Hammering Hard With Worthy Themes: Generations Unworthy Thor & The Mighty Thor #1

The following is my review of Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of who is truly worthy is Marvel's ultimate philosophical McGuffin. It's one of those ideas that can be endlessly debated, argued, twisted, and misconstrued in any number of ways. It's also a major driving force for Thor in nearly every era. From Walter Simonson to Jason Aaron, his struggle to be worthy, stay worthy, and understand what makes him worthy is part of what makes Thor's story compelling.

In terms of major turning points in that story, few are as pivotal as the events that played out in Original Sin. In that story, Thor becomes unworthy with just three words whispered by Nick Fury. It doesn't just upend Thor's idea of worthiness and the story around it. It opens the door for a new Thor with a new understanding of what it means to be worthy.

This is where Jane Foster's story enters the picture and that story is built on a very different foundation. She is not a god, a demigod, or anyone who would ever be mistaken as one. She is a moral woman who also happens to be suffering from one of the most debilitating diseases any mortal can endure. Her ascension to the title of Thor is one of the most significant shifts in Thor's story in decades. There are times when it breathes new life into the world of Thor. There are other times when it triggers incessant whining about identity politics. The fact that Jason Aaron manages to balance that narrative in any capacity is nothing short of astounding.

Now, through Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, Aaron has a chance to build bridges between that vast philosophical gulf between one era of worthiness and another. It may not end the constant whining about female heroes taking on the mantle of male heroes, but it does flesh out the core elements of the Thor mythos that are as relevant today as they are in the ancient times before angry arguments on internet message boards.

Unlike some of the previous narratives in Marvel Generations, there are clearer connections between the events in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 and the conclusion of Secret Empire. Those connections are few and somewhat vague, but their presence helps create an important context between the past and present. Jane Foster isn't so much the catalyst as she is the unexpected guest, who helps bring clarity to the hopelessly unclear concept of worthiness.

While her role in the story cannot change the path of Odinson, it can provide guidance. Granted, it's a guidance he will undermine with his arrogance on many occasions in the future, but it still offers clarity to the narrative while giving Odinson fewer excuses. In a sense, what happens in the story gives the impression that he was destined to lose Mjolnir at some point, even without any devious whispers of Nick Fury. It's just an inevitable consequence of the arrogance that comes with being Thor and with being a god, in general.

The substance of that story isn't very novel in that it builds on a story that has been explored before in the pages of Uncanny Avengers. Once again, the son of Odin clashes with Apocalypse in an era before the Avengers can assemble and before the X-men can astonish. It's basic and crude, but it provides the necessary setting for the arrogant young Asgardian to learn a lesson or two about divinity and mortality.

The fact he learns it from a mortal woman wielding the hammer he craves provides both personality and entertainment value. It'll also provide more fodder for internet debates, but that doesn't derail the main thrust of the story. It's the setting that's vital here in that it takes place in a time before Odinson first lifted Mjolnir or taken the title of Thor. In this time, he's still the divine equivalent of a teenager who hasn't gotten his driver's license yet, but still wants to take his father's car out for a joyride.

While it annoys Odin to no end, it puts the future Thor in a position to ditch some boring formal gathering of gods to pick a fight on Midgard between Vikings and Apocalypse's Clan Akkaba. Given that formal gathering prohibits mead and mostly involves Odin bellowing orders, it's hard to blame a juvenile Odinson for ditching it.

It's only when he meets a time-displaced Jane Foster that his casual deviance becomes an important learning experience for both of them. The fact that experience also involves an elaborate, violent, lightning-filled battle against Apocalypse that brings out the best in Mahmud Asrar's art is a nice bonus. It just isn't a very memorable experience for any generation of Thor if there isn't some epic battle to fight.

That fight, as entertaining as it is, remains secondary for the most part. The primary struggle still revolves around Odinson's desire to be worthy and Jane Foster's lingering uncertainty about her future. It's a struggle that both characters have a stake in, but one that has limited influence on both characters. While Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 makes the necessary effort to explore those classic themes of worthiness that is so critical to Thor's mythos, the extent to which it impacts the characters involved is somewhat minor.

This is an issue that shows up in previous issues of Marvel Generations, but a limited impact doesn't mean there can't be heavy drama. The potential for that drama is there in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, but not much of it is realized. Jane Foster and the future Thor do get a moment to interact outside of a major battle, but little comes of it. Both still gain critical insight, though. Both are in a better position to make decisions about the course of their immortal and mortal lives alike. It's not dramatic, but it does make the overall story feel complete.

That story even includes a few bonus parts that make Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 a prelude to other critical events in the past and future. It offers intrigue beyond the basic lessons in worthiness, which is something that previous issues of Marvel Generations has not done. It adds value to a story that can only offer so much before it undermines the hopelessly convoluted, ever-evolving timeline that is the Marvel universe. That value may not make anyone inherently worthy of lifting Mjolnir, but it will put them on the right track.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Worth Within Unworthiness: The Unworthy Thor #1

The following is my review of The Unworthy Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Discussions over who is worthy and what constitutes worthiness in the first place is one of those topics that has consumed generations of Avengers fans. Go to any Avengers message board or comic book convention and chances are, there will be some people arguing what it means to be worthy, why Hulk can't lift Thor's hammer, and how someone could get around this rule.

This discussion even found its way into Avengers: Age of Ultron in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It's clear that even Joss Whedon gets caught up in these discussions. He just has the resources and financial backing to turn it into a billion-dollar cinematic spectacle. Jason Aaron doesn't have those kinds of resources, but he did add a twist to the discussion when he made Thor Odinson unworthy to wield Mjolnir after the events of Original Sin.

That twist led to Jane Foster taking up the mantle of Thor. Her story is still one that is evolving in a way that continues the discussion over worthiness down a new path. However, Thor Odinson remains on a very different path and that's the path that The Unworthy Thor #1 explores. It has the feel of a story that's been brewing behind the scenes, but is only now ready to be served. It still feels late, overdue, and a little frustrating.

Despite this, it never feels stale. At a time when Jane Foster is flexing her worthiness like Namor at a beach, that's a remarkable accomplishment. Since becoming unworthy in Original Sin, Odinson carries himself less like a champion of Asgard and more like a whiny teenager who had his cell phone taken away. Aaron makes it a point to abandon that sentiment early, giving us an Odinson that is much more motivated and much less mopey.

The Unworthy Thor #1 puts Odinson right in the middle of brutal battle against the kinds of monsters he used to tear through on a boring Sunday afternoon. It doesn't just hit the ground running in terms of action, giving Oliver Copiel ample opportunity to create appropriately brutal visuals. It establishes that this former God of Thunder is learning the hard way what it means to be unworthy. He can't rely on his hammer or any enchanted weapon to carry him through a battle. He has to take a gut punches and blows to the jaw before he can think about the celebratory mead.

It's not just that he's unworthy of wielding Mjolnir. He's a weaker, more jaded Odinson who doesn't have the same power or ability he once did. He's already lost one of his arms. This means he has to fight that much harder to avoid losing more limbs. It helps bring out a different side of his character, one devoid of the nobility, poise, and bravado that once defined him. He actually resorts to biting his enemies now. That's as unworthy as it gets in battle.

Odinson definitely wields more drive and ambition. He's still not the same Thor that Chris Hemsworth did so much to bring to life in the movies, but we do see traces of that proud warrior throughout the narrative. That narrative isn't just restricted to brutal fighting with occasional biting either. Jason Aaron shifts the sequence of events around to add further context and this context actually goes a long way towards giving weight to the brutality.

Since Jane Foster picked up Mjolnir, the events of Original Sin and Secret Wars have been afterthoughts at best. There's just too much of an imperative to show why Jane Foster is so worthy of wielding the title of Thor. That's entirely understandable. It still leaves Odinson with little to work with.

By revisiting the site where he became unworthy, Aaron sets up an appropriate reunion between him and the new Watcher, who calls himself the Unseen. We still know him as Nick Fury, namely the one David Hasselhoff failed to turn into a viable movie franchise, but that only makes this connection all the more fitting. By having him be the one that gives Odinson a chance at being worthy again, it feels like an overdue continuation of the aftermath of Original Sin. Again, it's a story that feels late and overdue, but it never comes off as stale.

This sentiment helps make The Unworthy Thor #1 feel relevant in that it gives Odinson some badly-needed development that he hasn't gotten since he lost his hammer. It also makes this narrative feel somewhat disconnected and not just because Jane Foster is literally stealing his thunder. It feels like this story took too long to set up. Events like Original Sin and Secret Wars have been over for a while now. Reconnecting with those events at this point feel outdated.

Even if the timing is off, the narrative is still compelling. Jason Aaron still gives us a side of Odinson that is genuine and sincere. This is a character who lost a lot more than his favorite weapon. He lost a title and an identity. Now, he finally has the motivation and opportunity to follow a new path. This path doesn't require those same discussions of worthiness that make for such great fodder in the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. It's uncharted territory for Odinson, but he's forging ahead and it's hard not to root for him.

Overall, The Unworthy Thor #1 creates a narrative that has the right impact. It gives us a former God of Thunder who has to fight harder and cope with being weaker than he's ever been before. It brings out some of his less noble traits, but he still carries himself like a warrior. He gets a chance to become more worthy and he jumps at that chance, if only to ensure he doesn't have to bite his enemies anymore.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Worthy of Unworthiness: Thor #1

The following is my review of Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of being worthy is as ambiguous as the concept of being weird. In the same way the concept of being weird breaks down considerably at a Marilyn Manson concert, the concept of being worthy breaks down when the standards become skewed. Since worthiness is the main basis by which Thor is able to wield his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, its standards are often undefined. This may or may not be on purpose because defining such an ambiguous term is like trying to nail pudding to a tree. Its very nature alone makes it impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely without substance.

That substance is the driving force of the story within Thor #1. The main concept of this re-launched title was already spoiled when Marvel announced that Thor would become a woman. The nuts and bolts of this concept still need to be screwed into place. The events of Original Sin did plenty to skew the standards of worthiness, almost as much as the NSA skews the standards of legality.

With one little whisper, the contents of which remain a mystery, Thor is no longer worthy to wield Mjolnir and a good chunk of this story is spent lamenting about it. That’s not to say he acts like a child that just lost his favorite teddy bear. The very idea that he is no longer worthy is more damaging than no longer having the most awesome hammer in the universe that isn’t used to smash watermelons. It creates a tense and somewhat solemn narrative for him and the other Asgardians, who are just as confounded by Thor’s inability to lift his hammer. It calls into question their own understanding of what it means to be worthy, further adding to the ambiguity.

That ambiguity is downright frustrating at times because the concept of worthiness is now somehow so skewed that even Odin, the man responsible for using worthiness as the sole criterion for wielding Mjolnir, cannot lift it. That would be like Donald Trump not being allowed to fire anybody. It’s a major blow that sends a major message. The problem is that the ambiguity of that message limits its impact.

The only real substance offered by this new crisis of unworthiness comes from a threat that’s completely unrelated to it. While everyone else is struggling to understand what worthiness even means, Malekith launches an invasion at some underwater facility with an arm of Frost Giants. It’s as generic and plain as a threat Thor can face without including corn flakes and vanilla ice cream, but it’s a threat that creates the most meaningful impact because it demonstrates just how unworthy Thor has become.

Armed with his hammer, Thor can usually handle Malekith and Frost Giants with ease and still have plenty of energy to snuggle with Natalie Portman. This time, he might as well be fighting a pack of hungry wolves with a feather duster. He tries to compensate by attacking with an ax, but that ax is no Mjolnir. The battle isn’t too lopsided, but Thor’s unworthiness is still on full display for all to see. He’s sloppy, he’s unfocused, and he’s overmatched. He’s essentially become this year’s version of the Oakland Raiders. If he can’t handle Malekith and a few Frost Giants, then his season is as lost as the Raiders.

This is the most powerful message of the story, revealing the extent of Thor’s unworthiness. While the concept remains painfully ambiguous, it’s at least slightly clearer why Thor is no longer fit to be wielding it. If Mjolnir were a judge on American Idol, Thor would have been one of those contestants that left the stage in tears. However, this message is only powerful to the extent that the battle with Malekith forced it. The generic nature of this threat, which basically amounts to Malekith seeking something he and his Dark Elf buddies lost long ago, makes it too easy to gloss over. It still serves its purpose, but it’s still the least compelling part of this story.

The intent of this story isn’t to just shock the world into revealing that Thor is now a woman. Its purpose is to establish just how unworthy Thor and the other Asgardians have become. In this, the story succeeds, even though it does little to clarify the whole concept of unworthiness. Like the concept of weirdness, it’s one of those things that will remain forever undefined. It isn’t until the end where the woman now worthy enough to wield Mjolnir shows up and demonstrates her worthiness. But unlike Thor’s defeat, it lacks the same impact.

This woman basically acts as one of those shadowy figures that show up in every spy movie, not revealing her identity or even hinting who she might be. She just shows up on the moon, grabs the hammer, and just like that she’s Thor. It’s conveyed as one of those ongoing mysteries that won’t be resolved in the beginning. While this does offer intrigue, it doesn’t give many reasons to really care much about this character or even understand why they’re more worthy than Thor or Odin. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a woman. She could just as easily be just some random guy and it would have the same impact.

That’s not to say the impact isn’t meaningful. The mystery-woman says it herself. The world needs a Thor. It doesn’t matter if a man or woman has that title. A hammer doesn’t care which body parts its wielder has, only that it can hit the nails at the right angle. That takes away from the whole novelty of Thor now being a woman, but it doesn’t take away from the more tragic themes explored in this book. Thor struggling with his unworthiness helps make the story in Thor #1 compelling. The new woman who becomes Thor might as well be an afterthought. It might not make this story completely unworthy. But like grading a test on a curve, it still skews the concept as a whole.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Secrets No Longer Buried: Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1

The following is my review of Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In every major conspiracy theory involving the United States government, there’s one key factor that ensures that every conspiracy inevitably fails. Simply put, human beings are terrible at keeping secrets. This holds especially true in this day and age where any major leak that can be revealed in under 140 characters is exposed with uncanny ease. Even before the age of social media, the powers that be couldn’t even cover up the Watergate scandal. And if any major power can’t cover that up, what hope do they have of covering up something bigger?

For actual gods, however, the capacity for keeping secrets is considerably greater. Gods don’t have to worry about nosy press or renegade bloggers. They have the kinds of powers that the FCC only dreams of. But the events of Original Sin have revealed that even gods aren’t immune to whistleblowers. The death of the Watcher and the revelations of his many observations have had the impact of a billion Edward Snowdens. Among those revelations include some very distressing details regarding Thor’s family life. But this isn’t one of those secrets that involve a god siring one too many demigods. This involves the kind of censorship that erased an entire realm from existence. It’s like a divine version of the Kennedy assassination, except this one actually happened.

Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 deal directly with the impact this revelation has on Thor. The release of all the Watcher’s secrets showed him that he has a sister and that there’s a tenth realm his father never told him about. It’s the kind of revelation that has been lacking in other parts of Original Sin in that it really does shake up the entire foundation for certain characters. For most of his history, Thor’s world has been pretty solid. He knows who his parents are, who his family is, and the nature of the world they inhabit. This completely undermines all of that, setting the stage for the kind of family upheaval usually reserved for Opera.

In addition to shaking up Thor’s world, it also firmly integrates Angela’s history with the greater Marvel universe, completely detaching her from the world of Spawn. This might not sit well with some because it makes her an entirely different character on many levels, but the process laid out in this story does so in a way that still feels genuine. She’s still Angela. She still has all the same qualities and attributes. Her circumstances are simply different. The same applies to the Tenth Realm. This isn’t the world of Spawn. This is the Marvel universe and now Angela has her own unique place in it.

This also means that Angela’s origins are considerably different. Her life, and the role of Heaven, is built around war and tragedy, two themes that have often been part of Angela’s persona. On paper, it sounds outrageous that Odin would have a daughter born before Thor and an entire realm had been severed from the rest of Asgard. But as the history of this tragedy unfold, it feels appropriate and not overly contrived. The extent of this tragedy actually warrants the isolation of an entire realm and the utter censorship of Angela’s existence. Unlike the Richard Nixons of the world, it isn’t done out of paranoia or greed either. These acts were born from the pain and anger created from overwhelming loss. Odin and Freya’s heartache is palpable under the weight of the truth. They don’t come off less as gods and more as heart-broken parents.

There are so many emotional undertones throughout this striking revelation. It inspires Thor to seek out his lost sister and find the Tenth Realm, even if it means teaming up with Loki. However, some of those emotional undertones are lost in some of the ongoing side-plots involving Loki. They act as a distraction at times to the main narrative, which is the revelation about Angela and the Tenth Realm. However, this does not take away from the weight of that narrative. There are so many potential ramifications for Asgard and the Nine Realms. Thor and Loki are just beginning to explore those ramifications. What remains unclear, however, is how this fits into the greater narrative created by Original Sin.

This event as a whole has branched off into many different stories involving revelations surrounding many different characters. This has led many of the tie-in stories to become more detached from main story and Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 is no exception. Thor literally just ditches the rest of the Avengers after he finds out about Angela and the Tenth Realm. There’s no strategy to his actions. He just leaves. While it’s understandable that he would seek to understand these revelations, it essentially takes him away from a conflict that hasn’t been resolved. It’s one thing to fight other battles in a larger conflict. It’s quite another to just ditch that run away from that conflict when things are still exploding. That’s like Peyton Manning walking out of a football game in the middle of the second quarter.

Even if this tie-in is only minimally concise with Original Sin as a whole, it certainly delivers the impact that was intended for this event. Aside from a few distractions, the events of Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 send Thor and Loki on a path to directly confront these dark secret that have been suppressed for so long. What makes these secrets all the more remarkable is that they’re presented in a way that give no indication that Marvel only recently acquired the rights to Angela. It’s a seamless dark revelation, if ever there was one. Most revelations from powerful authorities aren’t nearly this smooth, which is only a further testament to how secrets at any level can have an impact.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Avengers: The Movie - Assembling Awesome

There are very few things in this world that are worth waiting five years for. This is America. Usually, if we have to wait for more than a day we tend to say, "Fuck it, I'm going to a bar." For shit we're stuck waiting for, we tend to get easily distracted if we have to wait more than a year. This is a country where you could find the cure for cancer and solve world poverty, yet you will be completely forgotten the next day if news breaks that one of the Kardashians is in rehab. Yet as ADD as this country is, there is some shit we'll gladly wait for. The Avengers movie is a movie that's been building up hype for five fucking years ever since Sam Jackson had a brief two-minute part at the end of the Iron Man movie and after the fucking credits no less. Well now it's finally here and is really worth the wait? Well after having just seen it and after having endured my share of distractions over the past five years (most of them coming from titty bars), I can safely say that yes. It was so fucking worth it!

There's only so much I can do to dissect a two hour movie and explain all the ways in which it is awesome. I'll try to squeeze in as many as possible, but how much explanation do you really need? If you've seen the trailers, you've seen a good chunk of what it can deliver. Like most trailers, it tries to squeeze in as much as the good stuff as possible. The good stuff is usually shit that explodes, shit that laments over impending doom, and shit that has tits or a nice ass. The Avengers trailer is no different. Don't believe me? Look at the trailer and tell me I'm wrong.

But the trailer only tells one half of the story. I know, it's shocking...a heavily hyped movie that offers more depth than what you see in the trailer. But it's true. That big battle scene from the trailer was only the culmination of a story that hit the ground running and ran so fucking hard that if it had nipples they would be bleeding like a porn star after running 10 consecutive marathons. If you've been following the other Marvel movies such as Iron Man, Iron Man II, Thor, the Incredible Hulk (the new one and not the one that involved killer poodles), and Captain America then you'll see the story flow seamlessly. Even if you didn't see those movies (and welcome back from whatever cave in Mars you've been in for five years if you haven't), it's a very understandable story.

It boils down to a little something you could probably fit in your glove box. SHIELD is working with a new and potentially limitless source of power from a tiny little glowing cube called Tesseract, or the cosmic cube if you know anything about anything about Marvel comics. Following the events of Thor, Erik Selvig, the physicist who was grossly outshined by Natalie Portman, has been helping SHIELD tap it. Well that turns out to be a horrible fucking idea because during a test, it opens up a gateway that allows Loki to emerge. Despite being thrown off the Bifrost Bridge by Thor, he's as alive as a cockroach in a crack den and understandably pissed. Since he lost his chance to be king of Asgard, he'll settle for enslaving the Earth and ravaging it in the same way stoners ravage a bag of Doritos. I can think of some much better ways to cope with defeat, but none of them are nearly as awesome.

Armed with a special staff given to him by a shadowy alien figure that claims command of the Chitauri, he takes control of Dr. Selvig and Hawkeye to steal the Tesseract. Like Loki, they seem interested in taking the Tesseract and will gladly help Loki sucker punch the planet Earth to get it. Now why an advanced alien species is stupid enough to trust the god of mischief is beyond me, but I guess being an advanced alien species must get pretty fucking boring. Maybe they should focus some of that alien know-how on better weed, but that's their problem. With the most powerful relic on the planet in the hands of a disgruntled god, Nick Fury (the Sam Jackson Fury and not the David Hasselhoff Fury) starts assembling the Avengers. He enlists help from Captain America, whose only way of coping with this crazy modern world of iphones and internet porn by hitting a punching bag, and Tony Stark while he's in between cocktails. He even gets Black Widow to take a break from crushing Russian gangsters with her legs to recruit Bruce Banner. No one mentions how Bruce suddenly turned from Edward Norton to Mark Ruffalo, but like the Ashley Olson's eating disorder it's just not shit they like to talk about. The important part is Banner says yes and he agrees to help.

Seriously, who would say no to this?

What follows for a good chunk of the movie is the Avengers basically bickering and getting along about as well as Pat Robertson in a gay bar. It certainly doesn't help when Thor drops in looking to bring his wayward brother to justice for usurping the throne of Asgard, but it makes for a pretty awesome fight scene with Iron Man and Captain America. It doesn't sound too interesting on the surface, dedicating a good chunk of a big budget movie to just having a bunch of superheroes with overly bloated egos argue about whose dick is big enough to screw Loki over. But Joss Whedon makes this shit work. When you think about it, beings this powerful probably should clash. It would be even more disturbing if they all just got along, went out for beers, and took turns hitting on waitress. They're not exactly a team that was trained to work together. They were essentially cobbled together because Nick Fury was in over his head and didn't know how the fuck to handle shit that involves a renegade Asgardian god. The interpersonal dynamics really help flesh each character out. Some that really haven't been fleshed out like Black Widow and Hawkeye get some much needed backstory. It makes things all the more satisfying when shit starts to get heavy.

And yes, it does get pretty fucking heavy. Loki isn't just content with stealing from SHIELD. He needs some extra rare materials to make the Tesseract open the gate he needs to let the Chitauri in so he can grab a drink and watch them fuck up the planet. To do that, he uses his control over Hawkeye and a few tricks that involve pretending to surrender so he can further fuck with the Avengers. Along the way he helps expose a mystery that really twists the dynamics of the movie and of SHIELD in general. It turns out that they weren't researching the Tesseract to tap it's unlimited energy to give every man, woman, and child on Earth free electricity and cell phones that don't die out in the middle of a Mardi Gras wet T-shirt contest (still haven't forgiven Samsung for that). They were going to take a page right out of the Red Skull's playbook in Captain America and use it to make weapons. For reasons that are entirely understandable, the Avengers have a problem with this and Nick Fury doesn't apologize for it.

What? You didn't see me winking when I said I would use it for peace?

This secret threatens to undermine the whole order that SHIELD is trying to maintain in defending the world. To be fair, Nick Fury does offer a pretty valid reason. In previous movies like Thor, alien visitors and gods with way too much fucking time on their hands pretty much decimated an entire town. Granted it was in New Mexico and few outside of a few cattle rancher lobbyists gave a shit, it showed just how woefully unequipped they were. So why not develop the kind of doomsday weapons that tell guys like Loki and the Red Skull "You really want to piece of this, motherfucker?" Even if his reasons are valid, the Avengers aren't too keen on trusting a guy who only has one good eye and a shitty poker face. So when shit goes down, they decide to strike out on their own and end Loki's shit themselves.

Once everything is in place, Loki uses Tony Stark's own massive building that would easily compensate for even the smallest of dicks to open a portal. From there, the Chitauri hit New York almost as hard as the news about Tim Tebow being traded to the Jets. What follows is the kind of epic battle scene that Michael Bay probably jerks off to every night. It's even more satisfying than the previews imply, mostly because the movie dedicated so much time to setting up the dynamics between the Avengers. Plus, it's funny as hell to see the Hulk slam Loki around like a rag doll. Seeing it in 3D makes it all the more engaging. You couldn't ask for a better drawn out battle scene if Joss Whedon himself offered to pack your neighbor's garage with C4 and offered you a front row seat before blowing it up. It's the Avengers taking on an alien hoard and every moment is so immensely satisfying that if it were a hooker, Bill Gates would go bankrupt if he paid by the hour.

Overall, there's so much to love about this movie that I would need several blogs to list it all. Comic book movies have had their ups and downs over the years. Men like Joel Shumacher and Brett Ratner have tried their best to completely destroy the genre, but Joss Whedon and all the fine folk at Marvel have done a great job of giving those douche-bags the finger and showing them how you make a kick ass comic book movie. Watching the Avengers, it should give fans a true appreciation of how far we've come. And I'm not just talking about the five years of movies that built up the continuity that culminated in this one. A lot has happened since the days when comic movies were underfunded and not taken seriously. Now with this movie, it feels like the genre can finally spit on the critics and flex it's muscle.

We've come so far.

The Avengers isn't a perfect movie, but no movie is perfect no matter how many shots of Scarlett Johanssen's ass it tries to squeeze in. Some people will find some shit to be disappointed in. I personally thought it was bullshit when they killed Agent Coulson, but there is simply too much to love about this movie. It is the epitome of comic book excellence. For a long time, Marvel has been playing catch-up with DC since they had great movies like Superman all the way back in the 70s. Now with Avengers, they can finally say they have one-upped their asses and they are now the new standards in awesome. It is a great power for them to bear and hopefully they understand the responsibility of what they've done here. They can easily fall into the same trap as the Wolverine Origins and Superman Returns of the world, but with Avengers they have shown that they can do this shit right and do it well. I give the Avengers a perfect 5 out of 5. If there's even one cell of your body that enjoys comic movies, action movies, thrillers, or just shit that assaults your senses with weapons grade awesome then the Avengers is a movie you must see before you consider your life complete. Nuff said!

Thor Movie Review - Awesome Worthy of Gods

The summer of 2011 has arrived and you know what that means! The women start wearing less, men start to stink more, and Hollywood unleashes an all our barrage of their biggest films. It's the time of year where all the big studios are like crack whore going through relapse and the only way to survive is to try and bilk movie-goers of every possible red scent. It's a time when us mindless consumers of pop culture enjoy an abundance of action, drama, boobs, explosions, bloodshed, monsters, comedy, and gimmicks and that's just from Adam Sandler movies. To kick things off this summer, Marvel kicks things off with a wad of C4 to ass with Thor. Since Marvel actually started making their own shit under Marvel Studios and not licensing it to asshole third parties like Fox, they've been hitting grand slams that have left comic fans more satisfied than a hippie at a hemp factory.

Last Summer they had Iron Man II. This movie took the star power of Robert Downy Jr., Mickey Rourke, and Scarlett Johannsen to deliver a satisfying if not somewhat predictable thriller. The predictability and gimmick aspects were countered by the overlying continuity the Marvel movies have established. That's what has set them apart from the other superhero movies of the past. These stories are all tied together and will culminate in a cocaine fueled gangbang of awesome, otherwise known as the Avengers movie. Thor is just the next step and it's a big step towards kicking more ass.

Like the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk movies before it, the Thor movie is set up so that the audience doesn't have to know dick about the comics in order to understand what's going on. It takes a similar formula from Iron Man II in that it uses some big name actors like Anthony Hopkins as Odin and Natalie Portman as Jane Foster. Because Hollywood has since realized that any movie with Natalie Portman is sure to attract any young man with a functional penis. There's even something for the Twilight crowd in Chris Helmsworth, who has a tendency to walk around with his shirt off. There are some scenes where all the Bella Swan wannabes out there will need to change their panties. But between the bonerific actresses and studly men, there is a story to be told.

The Thor movie does have the expected and somewhat eye-rolling origins angle. But you can't really roll your eyes this time because the visuals of Asgard, Earth, and all the vivid scenery that were once only depicted in comic books flashes across the screen (and in 3D if you're not a cheap bastard). It's far more stunning than anything in Iron Man or Hulk. The architecture of Asgard and the realm of the Frost Giants is so wonderfully rendered it feels like a comic book pumped with whatever shit Barry Bonds was on.

If you're able to stop drooling over the visuals, the story hits the ground running by showing what an arrogant daddy's boy Thor is. He's not unlike Tony Stark in the first Iron Man movie, over-privileged and an overbearing dick. On the day he's supposed to be crowned king, a couple of sneaky Frost Giants manage to infiltrate the palace. Thor, pissed off that his coronation has been delayed, wants to silence the Frost Giants once and for all even if it means breaking that treaty that Odin lost his damn eye to forge. He manages to convince Volstagg, Hogun, Fandrall, Sif, and Loki to join him on a Bruce Willis style mission. To say it screwed the pooch would be like saying Word War II was a pillow fight. It leads to an action-packed fight, but Odin has to be the one to step in and he's understandably pissed.

As a result of his pig-headedness and douche-baggery, Odin strips Thor of his godly powers and casts him down to Earth. He also casts down his hammer, Mjolnir, but makes sure that nobody can lift it unless they are worthy. And for breaking a treaty, disobeying his father, and being a self-important jackass it's pretty obvious even to an inanimate object that Thor isn't worthy.

From here, Thor crosses paths with Jane Foster. In this movie she's an astrophysicists as opposed to an EMT in the comics. Now this seems a little off because I've met astrophysicists before. I've yet to meet any of them who looked anything close to Natalie Portman. I understand that this is a movie, but even the guys at Marvel probably understand that it's hard to make an astrophysicists super-hot without triggering a few bullshit detectors. But she's Natalie Portman. She won a fucking Oscar for crying out loud. She still fills the role, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.

Foster and Thor hit it off immediately. However, Thor goes through some growing pains in terms of being a mortal. He seems to believe that all he has to do is go find his hammer and he can go home. He's willing to blow through SHIELD, giving our old friend Agent Colson from Iron Man I and II a few headaches. We even get to see Hawkeye for the first time. Granted, he's not given much facetime. This is Thor's movie after all, but it's nice to see a few other Avengers that Joss Whedon will put his golden touch on when the time comes. Even with his trusty bow and arrow, Thor still makes it to his hammer only to find out that he can't life it. He's not worthy yet. It's a very humbling experience and one that leaves him more frustrated than all the X-men fans who saw X3.

While Thor is being humbled, we also get another story surrounding Loki. There's a reason he's the God of Mischief. He's the kind of guy who will fuck with you in no fewer than ten different ways and even when it's painfully obvious that he's full of shit, he'll find ten more ways to keep the mischief going. That's what makes him a god. Without getting into too many details, his mischief is tied into every major mishap within this movie. However, what's really remarkable about it is Loki doesn't come off as a completely manipulative douche-bag. What he did was a simple trick that turned into something that even he didn't expect. When a few painful secrets come to light, you almost feel for the guy. It doesn't make trying to crown himself the new All-Father any less a dick move, but everything he does has a purpose behind it and it's not just to blow shit up (although that is a big part of it towards the end).

Loki's mischief eventually leads to an epic confrontation with Thor that goes from the deserts of New Mexico to the rainbow bridge of Asgard. There's action and heart every step of the way. Jane Foster, who seems so utterly obsessed with crunching the numbers when she isn't hitting Thor with her car, learns that there's some magic to the universe. It can't all have fancy names that guys like Albert Einstein can rub in everyone's face. There's something deeper and some of that extends to her attraction to Thor. And let's face it, the guy is a heavily muscled god. Any woman with a partial interest in men would find that attractive to the point of needing to change her panties again.

Overall, it's the most satisfying Thor experience you can get without having Odin himself cram it in your head. There's a perfect balance of the fantasy world of Asgard and the real yet less awe-inspiring world of Earth. You've got it all. Hot women, hot men, action, drama, romance, magic, technology, killer robots, plot twists, and mystery. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being an ass. It's a superhero movie. Don't expect it to read like some artsy foreign film. It's over-the-top, yet wonderfully balanced fun. Plus, it's in 3D! There really is something for everyone to enjoy. You couldn't ask for more if it came with a free joint with every ticket.

Oh, and you'll definitely want to stay till after the credits! Just like with Iron Man I and II, there's an extra scene featuring our old friend Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. It's yet another link to the upcoming Avengers movie that is poised to blow the minds of the next ten generations of comic fans. This comes in addition to the other hints that will likely come with the Captain America movie, which is set to come out later this summer.

Even as the first big blockbuster of the summer, Thor sets the bar ridiculously high. It does so much and does it so well that it's hard to imagine another movie short of Avengers ever topping it. I can safely say without a speck of bullshit that Thor is the best movie that Marvel has ever made. It's better than Iron Man or Hulk. I would put it right up there with the Spider-Man and Batman movies s well. Thor may not be a superhero that shows up on lunch boxes and T-shirts the same way as Spider-Man, Hulk, or Wolverine. But this movie demonstrates why he's one of Marvel's heaviest hitters both literally, figuratively, and everything in between. That's why I give it a perfect 5 out of 5. If you are a comic fan of any type or just a fan of big blockbuster movies, you should get off your ass and see this movie! Nuff said.