Avengers: Age of Ultron Review - Flawed Yet Still Awesome

Having great expectations is usually the first step towards being more disappointed than your typical Chicago Cubs fan. We know crushing disappointment hurts. We get reminded of how much it hurts on a regular basis every time we play fantasy football. But we’re still gluttons for this soul-crushing brand of punishment because the reward is worth the risk. Like having a shot at copping a feel from that cute cheerleader, it’s worth the black eye and the restraining order.

Avengers: Age of Ultron couldn’t possibly have greater expectations. The first Avengers movie set the bar so high that Willie Nelson, Wiz Kalifa, and Snoop Dog combined couldn’t smoke enough pot to reach it. This movie can’t just be awesome. It has to somehow become a religious experience. It has to inspire Scientology level awe to the point where Joss Whedon starts harassing the IRS for tax exempt status. It was bound to be weighed down the moment fans came out of the first Avengers movie craving Shwarma. So how can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly measure up?

Well I saw the movie. I had a chance to give it my full sober attention, something I usually don’t give without a judge’s order. And after having time to digest the movie and pick my brains up off the floor, I can offer an assessment. The short answer is yes, it does measure up in most respects, but not in some. The long answer requires more than a few beers to make sense of.

Tis a worthy answer indeed

Avengers: Age of Ultron is a fun, wildly entertaining movie. That’s something most everybody can agree on. It hits the ground sprinting and it keeps moving at a blistering pace from start to finish. There’s action, drama, intrigue, heart, and humor. It has everything the first Avengers movie had. It just isn’t as polished and not just because of the impossible expectations.

First the good. Avengers: Age of Ultron hits all the right notes in terms of theme and scope. It puts the Avengers in a high-stakes conflict that’s every bit as dire as Loki’s invasion of New York. That conflict takes them to multiple corners of the world. It’s not just restricted to New Mexico or New York. It truly feels like a global conflict that only the Avengers can handle. No amount of diplomacy, drone strikes, or bribery can stop this threat. It’s a tense, engaging conflict that keeps fans on the edge of their seat and tests your bladder in ways few things can.

The key ingredient here is Ultron. As a villain, he’s right up there with Loki in terms of charisma and presence. He shows up on screen and he carries himself like he’s got a 13-inch cock and a 10-figure net worth. He’s not just some mindless robot. He’s not a wannabe deception and he’s not an overly subtle version of Agent Smith from the Matrix. Ultron feels like a truly refined character, one that sees the world through a strange lens that leads him to conclude that he’s right in destroying it. He’s also able to manipulate and coerce, but without having to rely solely on mind control. Sure, he does take advantage of it the same way any competent villain would take advantage of a weapon that was readily available. But he doesn’t rely on it completely and never fails to seize the moment. He is, by far, the best part of this movie.

He'll make you terrified and horny at the same time.

Other characters shine as well. Some characters who didn’t get much face time in the first movie really got to let their nuts hang. Hawkeye was by far the best example. For one, he was among the few Avengers who didn’t get mind-fucked at one point. After the first movie, that’s a hell of an upgrade. We also got some extra insight into his life and he actually comes off as the most likable character in the Avengers. Sure, his only powers involves a fancy bow and being friends with Black Widow. But he’s the kind of guy you root for and you root for all the right reasons.

Captain America and Iron Man shine as well, but only to the extent that we’ve always seen them shine. They’re pretty much the same characters we know and love from previous movies and that’s a good thing. Those movies fucking worked. There was no need to change it in this movie and it didn’t. What helped them shine was how they constantly argued. It’s an argument that lays the foundation for Captain America: Civil War and it’s one that’s actually compelling.

There really is a lot to like about this movie. I could do several blog posts of all the things Avengers: Age of Ultron did right. But being a drunk, I do have to highlight the flaws here and this movie definitely has some.

The most egregious flaw has to do with the shallow romantic sub-plot between Black Widow and Hulk. I know this was already teased in the trailer. I wasn’t against it. I’m of the opinion that any relationship can be made to work if done right. I mean fuck, the comics had Iceman hook up with Mystique at one point. But this was one romantic sub-plot that failed at one too many turns.

It’s not that they didn’t have chemistry. They had some. It just never felt wholly believable. It felt like it was just a way to add some romantic element, as if there needed to be some in a movie about a killer robot. The end result was very damaging to both characters. Bruce Banner came off as the kind of vulnerable dork we’ve seen in every episode of the Big Bang Theory. Black Widow came off as a character whose only purpose is to flirt with a guy when she’s not fighting. For someone like Joss Whedon, who claims to be an ardent feminists who hangs out with uber-feminist ball-busters like Anita Sarkisian, it’s dangerously close to hypocrisy.

Hell, he actually turned Black Widow into a damsel at one point. Seriously, the Hulk had to rescue her in a cage like she was fucking Princess Peach. I’m okay with that in a Mario game, but this is a fucking Avengers movie and this is fucking Black Widow. She could cut a man’s balls off with her eyebrows. And that’s what she got reduced to in this movie. If it came from Michael Bay, I wouldn’t be surprised. But Joss Whedon? Dude, you’re supposed to be the kind of evolved man that feminists don’t bitch about.

A male feminist shouldn't have such a creepy gaze.

Speaking of bitching, that’s a good summation of the second most glaring flaw in Avengers: Age of Ultron. That has to do with the Maximoff twins. Now ignoring for a moment how Marvel had to probably blow several lawyers to get away with using these characters, they basically tried to work around these limitations in the sloppiest way possible. They gave them new backstories that didn’t use the M-word, they tweaked their powers, and they gave them shitty accents. But that’s not what made them insufferable.

Spoiler: Quicksilver does NOTHING this awesome in this movie.

From the moment they were first introduced, the Maximoff twins were basically motivated by a desire to bitch and moan. Everything they did was to bitch and moan about Tony Stark and all the weapons he made. Never mind that he wasn’t the asshole that fired them. Blaming them would make too much sense. I don’t blame Miller Lite for my shitty liver, but that’s what these two basically did the entire movie.

That’s not to say they didn’t have their moments. They did. In fact, Quicksilver played a part in the movie’s most emotional moments. He and Wanda still came off as heroes, but they were fucking annoying little brats who essentially gave Ultron exactly what he needed to fuck everything up. A big chunk of this movie basically involved the Avengers helping the twins clean up their fuck-up.

Bryan Singer is still probably laughing his ass off.

There are other smaller flaws. It’s a bit jarring how the Avengers essentially come together in the beginning, as though the events of Iron Man 3 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier were essentially shelved. But after the action gets going, it’s hard to really give a shit about these details.

And that’s the biggest takeaway from Avengers: Age of Ultron. It’s strengths are much greater than its weaknesses. They more than make up for them. Even if you’re going to be a petty douche-bag, you can’t deny that the movie is fun and delivers the same brand of awesome that its predecessor offered. I know it’s easy to find flaws in every movie, but you have to make a real effort to find flaws in the first Avengers movie. You don’t even need to be sober to find flaws in this one. It’s just that Avengers: Age of Ultron works well enough to the point where you can overlook these flaws, with or without the aid of alcohol. And if you can use both, all the better.

How can anyone stay mad at that face?

It’s hard to really rate this movie without rating it in the context of its predecessor. But I suppose if the first Avengers movie was a perfect 10 out of 10, then Avengers: Age of Ultron would be an 8 out of 10. It fucks up in some ways, but not to the point where it derails the whole movie. And the things it does well will give fans wonderful feelings in their hearts and in their pants. There’s little doubt that Marvel has found a winning formula and they’re sticking to it, for the most part. Now if only DC had the balls to copy it. Nuff said!

Avengers Movie News: Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch Joining the Cast?

I know this isn't a site people go to for movie news. This is a site where people go to so they can see a semi-functioning drunk review comics. But every so often, some news comes along that I feel is worth reporting because it is either so big that it deserves to be reported on no matter how drunk I am or it's just so WTF that it must be brought up. This is the latter.

Spinoff: Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch Confirmed for Avengers 2

In case there was any doubt that writer/director Joss Whedon was referring to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch last week when he teased there’s “a brother-sister act” in The Avengers 2, we now have confirmation.

According to Entertainment Weekly, an unnamed source states the twin children of Magneto will indeed join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in Marvel’s 2015 sequel. When the question was posed to studio President Kevin Feige, he would only say, “I’m not confirming or denying. The draft could change six months from now.”

Of course, that does confirm Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch appear in Whedon’s first take on the script, which the writer acknowledged is “an evolution, and that goes on in editing,  it goes on all through shooting and it never stops. [...] You do come to a point where you all agree, OK … I’ve got these two characters — my two favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie, that’s exciting — you lock certain things in. But then, there’s a certain fluidity …”

Judging by Whedon’s enthusiasm, it seems likely Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch will be among those things locked in throughout the development process.

While Fox owns the film rights to the X-Men franchise, Feige indicated in April 2012 that, presumably because of the characters’ long histories with the Avengers — they joined the team within a year of their introduction as X-Men villains — Marvel could use Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch as well.

“It’s a little complicated,” he said, “but if they [Fox] want to use them in the X-Men movie they could, [but] if we want to use them in The Avengers movie, we could.”

The Avengers 2 opens May 1, 2015.

Make no mistake. Avengers 2 has the capacity to set a standard of awesome that would make the universe shit itself. Marvel Studios has a wealth of characters and history to draw from, even with many characters belonging to other studios (fuck you, Fox and Sony). Yet they're risking multiple orgasms from lawyers by bringing in Quicksilver and the fucking Scarlett Witch? Two characters who for the past decade are best known for fucking things up with the Avengers rather than helping them? And then there's the incest. By Odin's divine shit, the fucking incest.

The image this panel burns in your mind will never go away. EVER.

How the fuck did someone wake up one day at Marvel studios and say, "Gee, you know what would be awesome? Putting two characters with incestuous tendencies and a knack for fucking up reality in our biggest franchise!" Anyone who said that should have either been fired or drug tested.

Now I have nothing against Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch. I understand they have a history with the Avengers. But throwing them in a movie where lawyers make sure that the X-men (which Fox has the rights to) never dare touch Marvel's greedy hands just seems needlessly complicated when there are already a long list of Avengers characters to explore.

Is anyone out there really going to argue in a sober state of mind that Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch are bigger names than Miss Marvel, Black Panther, Wasp, Ant Man, or She-Hulk? There is way too much fucking material for Marvel to work with on a movie this big so they have no fucking excuse. Now don't get me wrong. I am going to be among those waiting in line to see Avengers 2, but it won't be for Quicksilver and the Scarlett fucking Witch. If decades down the line Marvel has sodomized enough lawyers to get the X-men rights back from Fox, I would fully support a bigger crossover. But not like this. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #536 - Drunk on Awesome

So it's the week of the Thor movie premier and I'm planning to get so shit-faced on the sweet alcohol of awesome that I will likely wake up naked at the foot of Charlie Sheen's bed or in a gutter outside Tijuana with a note pinned to my balls. It's been a hectic week and I've had more than my share of personal issues. Let's just say my skewed view on comics is only the 283th thing wrong with me. As a result I wasn't able to review Uncanny X-men #536 last week. Cut me some slack. I was practicing my hangover recovery strategy. But after Kieron Gillen's solid showing in Uncanny X-men #535 I had every intention of giving a thorough assessment of this book. Since Mr. Gillen has been such a generous sport, I'm not going to review this issue while drunk! I may be a little stoned, but two out of three ain't bad.

Kieron Gillen began his run by revisiting one of the seminal stories from another run. You may have heard of it. It's by the guy who's now directing the Avengers movie, aka the role most fanboys masturbate to in addition to pictures of Emma Frost and Jean Grey going down on each other. His name escapes me. But all you need to know is the story was pretty damn awesome and was left open ended. That story involved the aliens of Breakworld, a planet where war and violence are activities at summer camp. In the last issue they arrived at Earth, prompting Abigail Brand of SWORD to call the X-men for help. They infiltrated their approaching ship and met up with Kruun, the grand poobah of Breakworld's blood-loving brethren. But to everyone's surprise, they didn't come to Earth in hopes of finishing what that giant bullet was supposed to do. They came seeking refuge, which left many including the reader more confused than Paris Hilton in a quantum physics lecture.

Uncanny X-men #536 begins with Kruun explaining himself. His ship has docked with SWORD and he's sitting at a table with Brand and the X-men. He doesn't demand they play an alien version of Russian Roulette. He doesn't even ask Colossus to arm wrestle him for the right to see Kitty Pryde naked. He just talks, expressing his disdain for diplomats and describing how Breakworld has devolved into a series of slapfights. There's no grand megawar that they can all jerk off to. It's just a bunch of whiny guys bitching about someone having a bigger dick than them. Apparently that wasn't to Kruun's liking so he fled and now wants to set up shop on Earth. Cyclops, unable to resist that puppy dog look from a blood-thirsty alien, agrees to help while Brand agrees to do the paperwork. I can just see how Republicans would spin this comic as a protest against illegal immigration.

This goes over about as smoothly as a date with Rick James. The X-men don't just agree to help. They agree to let Krunn and his cronies stay on Utopia, all without consulting the mutants who live there no less. You wonder how they feel about a race of aliens that shot a giant bullet at them might feel about this. Then again, Cyclops points out correctly that they were responsible for what happened to Breakworld. Kruun left his planet because of what they did. So they're responsible whether they like it or not. It results in turning Utopia into an Early version of Mos Eisley's from Star Wars.

It's especially disconcerting for Colossus, who was for a time labeled the anti-god for Breakworld. So he takes a stroll with Kitty, who is still wearing that stupid space suit. Being the nice guy that he is, Colossus actually shows some sympathy for these aliens that took his girlfriend away from him. That alone makes him more forgiving than Jesus on Vicodin. Kitty shows no hard feelings about being trapped in a bullet as well. Together they go out of their way to learn more about the aliens that so fucked them up. It's either exceedingly badass or stupid, but Colossus isn't waving his dick in their face so it's nothing if not heroic.

They talk to a number of Breakworld aliens. They all have their story to tell. Gillen does a good job here showing that they really aren't human. They think in terms of beating the shit out of one another. The whole concept of mercy to them is like the concept of sobriety is to an alcoholic. It just doesn't compute. It's a nice insight at a situation when it would be so easy to start blowing shit up. I admire the restraint because I can see so many other writers turning this into mutants vs. aliens round 293852.

For a moment, it looks as though Kitty and Colossus are making some friends. Then Kruun has to be a massive tool and basically put a clamp on any potential for peace between Breakworld and the mutants that got the better of them. He basically whines how his people are so pathetic, running from their homeworld and seeking refuge with the very people that fucked him over. In a ways he has a point. It's still no excuse for being a douche-bag.

There's an interesting exchange here where Kruun describes how he brought Colossus back to life. A planet like Breakworld isn't exactly on the cutting edge of resurrection science. They don't do the whole life-saving shit. They sacrifice people to bring them back and that's what happened with Colossus. It's an unusual perspective, his life being the result of a sacrifice from five slaves. Because of that, Kruun looks down on Colossus. He lost his damn arm and he still thinks Colossus bears more shame. He pities the man so much that when someone from Breakworld finally tries to get back at him for fucking up their already fucked up lives, Kruun stops him.

It's a provocative moment. Not quite as provocative as Joss Whedon's foot fetish in his movies, but right up there. The Breakworld aliens may be brutal, but they do have their own sense of culture. That culture emphasizes shame, not unlike cultures in the real world that think burning incense around the bodies of prostitutes will absolve them of their shame. Kruun has more reason than anyone to stick a blade between Colossus's eyes, but he won't do it in a shameful way. He may be a douche, but he's an honorable douche. I'll give him that.

While he's scorning his people and himself for being so dishonorable, he's confronted by Magneto. Anyone who read Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men #534.1 remembers that he's had a major boner for the metal that made up the bullet that Breakworld fired at them. Being the inquisitive sociopath he's always been, he asks Kruun to explain it. Kruun isn't a scientist, but he's got a lot of free time on his hands and since Breakworlders don't appear to jerk off too often he humors the man.

It's a meeting of sociopathic minds. There's another interesting play on Breakworld culture here. They don't have much use for words like technology or magic when describing what their metal can do. They use the same word they've always used. They think of it as a weapon, one they use to train themselves in the art of brutalizing their enemies. Magneto wants to learn more. Kruun says he needs more metal to show him. Magneto, never missing an opportunity to help a fellow sociopath, asks for a half hour. This leaves Kruun alone in the lab with nothing to do. That's like leaving Keith Richards in a room with a mountain of cocaine. You're just asking for trouble.

It shouldn't come to anyone's surprise that Kruun uses this window to show that he's the bigger douche. Magneto has gone soft. His curiosity leads Kruun to take out Madison Jefferies and have a little fun with the whole mutant cure serum that happens to be lying around. You get the sense here that Gillen had to do a great many favors for Joss Whedon. Some of them may involve acts that aren't legal in certain states, but for a story that carries on his Astonishing legacy I would say it's worth it.

Kruun shows that his world may have gotten old broadcasts of McGuiver. He takes the samples of the cure and fashions them into poison darts, the likes of which Bear Grylls would be proud of. So when Magneto returns 28 minutes later, Kruun definitively proves that his sociopathic dick is way bigger. He effectively de-powers Magneto. Now it's doubtful whether it's permanent or not, but he renders the man as impotent as Elton John at a Hustler club. You would think Magneto would be smarter, but the guy is just not as crazy smart as he used to be. He's just half-crazy and half-smart, which for Kruun isn't nearly crazy enough.

Magneto doesn't put up much of a fight without his powers. Kruun, being the guy from the race of brutal warriors, ties him up and throws him in a closet with Madison Jefferies. This could make for a great gay joke, but Kruun demonstrates more of his unique insight. Everything to him is a weapon. It's a weapon necessary for him to get what he wants, which is revenge against the guy who fucked up his world. Armed with the metal Magneto so generously gathered for him, he's prepared to go after Colossus and avenge his people. It's almost Shakespearean, but Shakespeare never used kick-ass aliens. It sets the stage for a major clash in the next issue. The one-armed alien psychopath against the metal-skinned Russian, it's a fight so laced with awesome that you could put on on pay-per-view!

There's a lot to like about this issue. Kieron Gillen continues to take Uncanny down paths Matt Fraction never attempted, perhaps because it did too little to make Cyclops and Emma Frost more awesome. With this arc, he's giving other characters a chance to really shine. Colossus and Kitty were the diplomatic ones in this issue, not Cyclops and Emma Frost. There was also a continuation of the story surrounding Magneto's fascination with the Breakworld metal. It's an example of the dreaded C-word, continuity. Gillen has been using it wisely since he took over. From this side-story with Magneto, the story with Kruun and Breakworld takes a new and exciting twist. It comes together so perfectly that you almost want to toast it with a shot of gin. Then again, I toast damn near everything with a shot of gin so that may not be saying much.

If there's any shortcoming to this issue, it's that the action was somewhat sporadic. There were only a few minor fights, but they weren't insignificant. They all had a purpose for the story. Not every fight has to involve a planet-busting brawl. Kieron Gillen chose to keep the scale small, at least for this issue. It helped add depth to Kruun and the aliens of Breakworld, which is something you don't see enough of in comics. Usually the aliens are just Independence Day style psycho-killers that would grind our bones and snort them. It's nice to see some aliens with a little personality, deranged it may be. While the scale was acceptable, the transitions were a bit shaky at the beginning and the pacing of the story felt a little sporadic. But it's not nearly enough to take away from the quality of the book.

Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men run continues it's good start. This issue is solid all around. It takes the events of the previous issue and develops them in a way that doesn't feel rushed while not feeling too boring either. The pacing may be a little spotty, but it's still a satisfying story in the end. It sets the stage for what could certainly be a very brutal ending. So overall, I give Uncanny X-men #536 a 4.5 out of 5. Gillen has done a great deal to keep Uncanny X-men in the same league as books like Uncanny X-Force. With Fear Itself looming, he has his work cut out for him. For now, he's handling it with the same skill that Kruun handles his weapons. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #535 - Breaking Down Awesome

There are many special moments in a man's life. There's graduating from college, getting his first job, getting married, and discovering internet porn for the first time. These are all big steps, but few ever get to take a step like writing Uncanny X-men. For countless humble comic fans, that's like getting a job as a personal gigolo to Natalie Portman. Kieron Gillen recently got that job (writing Uncanny, not the Natalie Portman gig). He got his first taste of action with Uncanny X-men #534.1. It may or may not count since it's a point-one issue. Anyone who ever had to do fractions in grade school knows that making anything a fraction is like lacing it with the deadly poison of blowfish mixed with oddly colored discharges from Courtney Love's pussy. Gillen made reliving the horrors of sixth-grade math class a bit less traumatizing by making the issue awesome. Now he's done with fractions and ready to get back to whole numbers. That means I can finally stop sending hate mail to my old math teacher.

Kieron Gillen takes over an Uncanny X-men series that's been in decline for the past few years. The previous writer, Matt Fraction, set the bar pretty high when he brought Uncanny to a prominence not seen since the days before the Chuck Austin run scarred fans for a decade. He had many great moments in his run, but he also had some major flaws that I've pointed out in pretty much every review I've done form him. I won't list them again. I'll just say they're pretty apparent and will wear on you more than Kathy Griffin's singing. Kieron Gillen has already set himself apart with his work in Generation Hope. Now he's set for his first arc in Uncanny and he's chosen a plot that was more overlooked than Dennis Kucinich in the last presidential election. I'll give you a hint. It begins with B and rhymes with Breakworld. Okay, I'm too lazy to come up with a cleaver match. Sue me.

It was a story that dominated Joss Whedon's run on Astonishing X-men. It's a run many X-men fans place right up there with Emma Frost's fake tits as one of the greatest contributions to the world of X-men. It ended with Kitty Pryde being stuck in a giant bullet. Then Joss Whedon left the X-books to direct the Avengers movie. That's like leaving a three way with Megan Fox and Scarlett Johanseen to join a gang-bang with 25 Playboy Playmates on top of a mountain of blow. For a while Kitty was out of the picture and the story was basically ignored. Then in Uncanny X-men #522, Kitty returned when Magneto brought the bullet back to Earth. But for reasons not entirely explained, Kitty Pryde was stuck in phase mode and now has to walk around in a fucking space suit. She played a minor part in the Quarantine arc, but for the most part she hasn't done squat.

Uncanny X-men #535 starts off with her and Piotr having a nice picnic on Utopia. Kitty is still wearing that ridiculous space suit, but at least she is finally getting some private time with her Russian stud. It's another element that was overlooked after Joss Whedon left. Kitty and Colossus's relationship took a big step in Astonishing. Not only did they bump uglies, they had some pretty emotional moments. It hasn't really been fleshed out except for a few panels. Here they're just carrying along like a normal couple, trying desperately to ignore the fish bowl Kitty's wearing on her head.

As is often the case with X-men, this tender moment is interrupted by a killer robot. I'm out of jokes for that so I'll just skip it. Namor offers a brief explanation. He says it's some Atlantean tech that his old frienemy, Krang, was tinkering with. In the Marvel Universe, tinkering is synonymous with programming it to go on a murderous rampage. It looks badass, but seeing as how the X-men have been fighting giant robots since hippies were having mud-orgies during the first Woodstock concert it's not a terrible cause for concern.

To take it down, Colossus and Kitty pull a classic Fastball Special. Since Wolverine is off humping news reporters, Kitty plays the role of the ball. She phases through it, the ugly bastard child of the Terminator and sentinel starts to go ape-shit, and Colossus and Namor finish the job. It's so routine that Namor doesn't even shout his trademark "Imperius Rex" attack. It's the Atlantean equivilent of "Fuck you and every generation of your family," but this robot was so lame it didn't even warrant it.

Now on the surface it seems like just a shameless effort to squeeze some action into the pages, but reading through the scene it really doesn't feel like that. It's just an entertaining moment between Kitty and Colossus. It has the appearance of filler, but doesn't read like filler. So I'm not going to call it filler. I'm just going to call it a public service announcement by Marvel explaining why destroying killer robots is awesome no matter what the story. Message received, Marvel! Thanks for the reminder.

When all is said and done, Kitty emerges from her ridiculous space suit. She's still wearing the same uniform she wore in Astonishing, not that it's a bad thing. But when Colossus goes to embrace her (or cop a feel, it's hard to tell), he still phases right through her. So that means she still has to wear that fucking space suit.

This prompts Colossus and Kitty to pay another visit to X-men's science team. Dr. Rao doesn't offer a very promising assessment. She likens Kitty's condition to having a cramped muscle that keeps her in phase mode. I'd rather liken it to having a baby alligator biting down on your nipple and not letting go, but that's just me. I suppose Rao's metaphor is more scientific. She still boils it down to a simple "I don't have a fucking clue how to help your girlfriend" and that can't bode well for a guy who hasn't had any sweet Kitty loving since the last Breakworld arc.

Colossus and Kitty aren't the only ones seeking help from the science team. Magneto has his own curiosities. It began in Kieron Gillen's first issue, Uncanny X-men #534.1. In that issue Magneto was carrying around a piece of the Breakworld bullet that Kitty was trapped in like Paris Hilton carries around a chihuahua in her purse. He wants Dr. Nemesis to look into it. He says in so many words "I don't have time. Fuck off." He was a bit more polite about it, but given his history of being a douche-bag (see Generation Hope for a few examples) it's sort of implied.

Magneto's fascination with the Breakworld bullet isn't completely random though. Keep in mind, Matt Fraction isn't writing this book anymore. While Nemesis is basically writing off the bullet material as a glorified paper-weight, another old Breakworld plot enters the picture. This one has boobs. Abigail Brand, who hasn't had much happen for her since Kieron Gillen's doomed SWORD series was canceled, has a fresh otherworldly problem that requires people in spandex to solve. Now she's no Nick Fury. Aside from having boobs, Brand proved herself to be a cross between an angry grizzly and a super-intelligent fox. After a few genocide jokes, she decides to ask for help. She's about as thrilled about it as a guy who recently got his herpes test results.

Back on Utopia, Magneto still won't let the whole freaky metal issue go. He's like Donald Trump who refuses to believe Barack Obama wasn't a secret Kenyan agent sent to destroy America by instigating a tax on all stupid hair styles. So he goes to Cyclops, saying that because he doesn't understand this metal that they should be concerned. It's the first time readers have been reminded that Magneto has an ego that makes Trump look like Mother Teresa.

He doesn't get a chance to flex that ego because Brand shows up via Star Wars style hologram to gravel to the X-men. There are some witty remarks in between about how reality TV is the comic equivalent of the Legacy Virus and whether Breakworld is one word or two. You can tell Kieron Gillen is trying to flex his literary muscle and doing a pretty good job of it. When in doubt, mock reality TV. Yeah, it's an easy target. But if it wasn't true it wouldn't be so damn funny/tragic.

Brand tells the X-men to get their asses into space. They agree and Brand is nice enough to provide a space shuttle. It's probably the nicest she'll be through this entire arc. Only the main Astonishing team goes, minus Beast. He's instead replaced by Magneto, which may or may not be an upgrade. It only means that Brand has no one to exercise her fur fetish around. Unless Wolverine dyes his hair blue it's a pretty safe assumption that Brand's panties will be bone dry for the rest of this story.

The goes through the whole "Where's Beast?" conversation, which in a ways is a nice reminder that Beast is still at odds with the X-men. Why he's not stalking Brand is still a mystery. Even a man/beast can only do so much when his desired mate it so uptight that she could be used to prop up Sarah Silverman's TV career. They get down to far more pressing needs, namely a big fucking alien ship from Breakworld that's heading right towards them. This time it looks a lot fancier than a bullet. Brand describes it as having enough fire power to turn entire countries into Larry the Cable Guy's backyard barbecue pit. Terry Dodson's art certainly helps reinforce that notion.

The ship is currently in stealth mode, not showing any signs of aggression. To Agent Brand there might as well be an army of Breakworld warriors standing in front of her waving their dicks in her face. She goes onto explain that Breakworld underwent the same shit that Egypt and Tunisia went through recently. Their economy went right down the shitter and as is a common theme amongst all societies, people started blowing shit up. Now they want to spread that shit to Earth and Brand wants to tell them to piss off in the nicest possible way. To do that, she needs the same X-men who helped her do it before.

The X-men don't need much convincing. They agree to help Brand mount an assault on the ship before it can do to Earth what Barry Bonds did to Major League Baseball. There's a nice little montage with the X-men preparing for the fight. Anyone who read Joss Whedon's story about Breakworld (If you haven't, may the shame of a thousand Millie Vanillis corrupt your soul) knows what a crazy battle that turned into. It was a critically acclaimed story for a reason. Any alien race brazen enough to use a giant bullet as a weapon is not to be fucked with lightly.

Then when they arrive, something unexpected happens. There's no big fight. There's no alien gladiators dressed in thongs to greet them. Brand and the X-men enter the ship unopposed to find Kruun (the asshole that fired that bullet) looking about as threatening as a drunk squirrel. He lost his arm and announced outright that the ship he's on is decommissioned. It's about as threatening to Earth as an incoming feather duster. They're not looking for a fight or for sweet vengeance as so many deranged comic villains do. They seek political asylum.

That's right. These badass Breakworld aliens that gave the X-men such a run for their money in Astonishing don't want to fight. They're basically displaced Cubans looking to set up shop and sell sombreros on a planet that's only half as fucked as theirs. It's an unexpected twist. Some may think of it as a let-down because there's little struggle shown here. But it puts the story into a new light and sets the stage for something different. You may have a WTF feeling after reading the last page, but it won't make you yearn for the next issue any less.

Kieron Gillen got his foothold in the X-men only a year ago with Generation Hope. Now he has one of the top jobs. It's like an mail-room manager becoming a CEO. Not everyone can make that shift and not come out looking like an ass, but Gillen proved he has the talent and the vision. Reading this book along with the point-one issue, it's easy to see that Matt Fraction isn't writing this anymore. This is Kieron Gillen's book. He's already putting his stamp on this series and if this issue is any indication, it's a stamp that's been certified awesome.

This issue wasn't heavy on action and it didn't try to do too much. It wasn't pulled out of any particular ass either. It actually played on previous events, some of which had a few loose ends that have gone ignored since the George Wonder-Blunder Bush was in office. Gillen didn't just tap the Breakworld story. He continued his own little plot that he began in #534.1 with Magneto having an unhealthy fascination with the metal from the bullet. The focus on this issue was a lot different than the Uncanny issues that came before it. For once, Cyclops and Emma Frost were not paraded around like homoerotic floats at Carnival in Brazil. In fact, Emma Frost had only one line in this entire issue. If Matt Fraction was still writing, his head would have exploded at such a thought. But Kieron Gillen pulled it off, giving the spotlight to someone else for once. Colossus and Kitty Pryde haven't had this kind of attention since Joss Whedon's run and it's a beautiful thing. Right up there with a bottle of whiskey and drunk college girl.

While Kieron Gillen did make a solid statement with this issue, it wasn't perfect. While this issue didn't feel like it had a lot of filler, it definitely had the feel of a setup issue. The only real action was the battle with the robot between Namor, Colossus, and Kitty. There were plenty of solid scenes in between, but at times those scenes dragged a little. It felt as though there could have been more conflict. The dialog was a little wordy at times, but definitely more refined than Matt Fraction. The issue was good enough to get you excited about the next issue, but not excited enough to want to read the issue again and again. Unlike Uncanny X-men #534.1, it didn't have any really memorable lines like that ball-busting line from Namor. It was still solid and sets the stage nicely for this new arc.

Overall, Kieron Gillen's first arc is off to a great start. Matt Fraction left a tough act to follow, but also left plenty of room for improvement. Gillen is well on his way to improving. It's still early and there hasn't been an issue that I can rant about just yet. That may change, but for now Uncanny X-men #535 is as solid a book as X-fans could hope for. I give it a final score of 4.5 out of 5. For the moment, Uncanny X-Force is still the top X-books. But Uncanny X-men is definitely in the conversation. Kieron Gillen can make a big statement with his first arc. He's well on his way. Now if he would get Kitty out of that damn space suit, that alone would make his first arc a booming success. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men Getting New Writer - Kieron Gillen

I meant to post this sooner (like anybody gives a shit), but some big news recently emerged regarding one of the X-men's flagship titles. For the past few years Uncanny X-men has been guided by the wacky and sometimes offbeat pen of Matt Fraction. Uncanny has quickly taken over the role Astonishing once played as THE comic to follow for the biggest X-men events. It's been the comic that introduced the X-men to San Francisco, put them on Utopia, and set the stage for Second Coming. It has also been the comic where the events proceeding Second Coming has unfolded. Now the news has come out that Uncanny will be getting a new co-writer. Fraction isn't leaving, but now he has someone looking over his shoulder and that someone is Kieron Gillen.


CBR: Kieron Gillen joins Fraction on Uncanny X-men

Now for the most part, Matt Fraction has done a damn good job with Uncanny. He has plenty of detractors, but you don't get the Uncanny X-men job without being pretty good at it. He's always been great at telling big plot-driven stories with a lot of action and he's great with witty dialogue (for certain characters anyways). There are also the sales, the life-blood of any comic. Marvel has shown repeatedly that they could give six truckloads of donkey shit how much fans and critics hate a comic, but if the sales are good they'll embrace it like a drunk college girl wearing a black lace thong. Matt Fraction has kept Uncanny a top seller and has gotten his fair share of praise from fans and critics alike. However, he's not without his problems.

One of the most glaring and egregious problems with his writing involves his characterization skills. To be brief, he has none when it comes to the characters he claims are his favorites. Nowhere is this more apparent than Cyclops and Emma Frost. These two characters benefited the most from Joss Whedon's pen during his run on Astonishing. Well that was completely flip-flopped with Matt Fraction. He claims to love Cyclops, Emma, and their relationship. Yet he's done more to make fans hate these characters and their relationship than almost any other writers.

It starts with his clear and almost blatant bias. The man has no subtlety. You can tell in his writing he loves Cyclops and Emma more than the other X-men. He goes out of his way to make them sound like they're inhumanly cool, coming at the expense of who they truly are. He's turned Cyclops into this Gary-Stu douche-bag who is always right, always awesome, and always competent. It's a long ways away from the insecure yet honorable guy from the past. Joss Whedon made it a point to show that Cyclops was a strong leader, but he did have some personal struggles that made him more human and that's what made him great. Fraction has done none of this, only making him seem like the coolest kid on the block and that just doesn't fit Scott Summers.

Then there's Emma Frost. We all love talking about Emma Frost, unless of course she's being written by Fraction. Since the Grant Morrison run, Emma has been one of the most intriguing and interesting characters in X-men. It also helps she's very easy on the eyes. However, a large part of her character is driven by her harsh personality. That personality has been pretty much ass-raped by Matt Fraction. Since he came on board, his love of the Cyclops/Emma relationship has turned it into something completely different compared to what Morrison and Whedon set up. There's none of the unique chemistry they once had. Emma is now essentially Cyclops's arm candy. She's the hot blond who always supports him, always forgives him, and never calls him out. She's basically been domesticated. She shows none of her usual personality or wit. She has none of the mean, cold-heartedness that made her so awesome during Morrison's run. She's just the loving hot blond who spreads her legs for the man in charge.

Even worse, Fraction has set up chances to make the relationship more interesting. He had Emma seemingly betray the X-men during Utopia and he introduced Namor as a potential love interest that cold make for a new classic love triangle. But he's done nothing with this. It turns out Emma never betrayed anyone and even after she found out about the secrets Scott had been keeping, they basically just kissed and made up and that's it. No conflict or growth came of it. Then Namor comes along and despite the fact he still very much wants to bone her and they have had some serious chemistry in the past, pretty much nothing is done with it. Matt Fraction seems allergic to any story that would make Cyclops and Emma less than a perfect couple. This completely ignores the premise that Whedon embraced on his run in that Cyclops and Emma weren't the perfect couple. They were nowhere near as close or loving as Cyclops was with Jean Grey. That's part of the appeal. Fraction, despite claiming to love Cyclops/Emma, has basically turned them into Cyclops/Jean except Jean Grey would never have been so casual about her lover's activities with X-Force.

It seems the longer Fraction writes Uncanny, the more Cyclops and Emma Frost suffer as characters. Well now it seems like there's finally hope for Cyclops and Emma fans. Kieron Gillen is coming on board in a way very similar to which Matt Fraction came aboard. He joined Ed Brubaker after Messiah Complex as a co-writer. Eventually, he got the main job. Kieron Gillen is coming on board while also working on a series called Generation Hope that is spinning right out of the events of Uncanny. It makes sense that he would be involved because his series is tied to Uncanny. So it would make even more sense that if the two series ever came together, he would be the one to do so. This also factors in how Fraction has more on his plate besides Uncanny. He's also working on Iron Man and Thor. So it's not unreasonable to think that when push comes to shove, he'll have to drop a title in order to focus on others. The last thing the X-men series needs at this point is Ultimates style delays.

This is, of course, all speculation. I could be talking out of my ass as I so often do. But the arrival of Kieron Gillen offers some hope that some of Fraction's misgivings will finally be over with. The man has done a great deal for Uncanny, but his take has run it's course. Someone else needs to come on board who can make good use of some of the plots he won't touch like Emma/Namor. There's no indication as to what Kieron Gillen's tastes and proclivities are, but he'll definitely get his chance when he begins his run in December. Then come 2011, he may be the main man on the Uncanny X-men campus. Only time will tell. He's got a familiar looking redhead to use and plenty of loose plots that Fraction won't ever touch. Overall, there's plenty to work with. Nuff said.

Astonishing X-men Xenogenesis - Good Idea and Bad Execution

I just had to give this a go before Second Coming. With so many other X-books in the middle of these dire, earth shattering arcs there really aren't a whole lot of comics that have the X-men in their more classic element. To fill that void Marvel seems to want to evoke the awesome of yesteryear in a title with the Astonishing label. It seems a little foolish that just calling it astonishing will make readers tap the awesome from the landmark Joss Whedon run, but can you blame them? This is a book by Warren Ellis, who is pound for pound one of the most consistently kick-ass writers for Marvel. He's been on a wide range of comics and he's been able to leave his mark on all of them, marking it with the vigor of a territorial wolf. He was the one given the Astonishing title after Joss Whedon left and while it seemed to be in good hands, the title just did not measure up and it's basically been relegated to the bargain bin between old DVDs of Biodome and Batman Forever. So when the concept for Xenogenesis was announced Ellis had a chance to start fresh, but the end result reeks of a tuna sandwich left in the glove box of a car in Las Vegas.

Right off the bat it's hard to wrap your head around this book. For one, it's not even clear if this book is in continuity. It takes place while the team is in San Fransisco, so it's after Messiah Complex. The main plot centers around an African town with an abnormal level of mutant births, so it seems to imply it happens after Second Coming. However, Beast is still with the team and it's already well-known that he's left the X-men for the Avengers. The whole premise seems to blare the old computer error "Does Not Computer." Even in interviews the editors won't say whether or not this book is in continuity. If it is it's in a very fucked up part of it between the Clone Saga and One More Day. This would be completely forgivable if the story was decent. However, right off the bat it's pretty weak.


As previously mentioned, the story revolves around this small African town that has an unusual number of mutant births. Storm has come to visit the X-men, taking a break from being the Queen of Wakanda and part time fluffier for the Black Panther. At some point along the way she changed her style to give herself the classic mohawk look from the 80s. For those who remember this look of Storm, they'll recall the nerdgasm inducing days when she was more badass and right up there with Wolverine in terms of kicking ass. Now as a glorified house wife, it looks fucking goofy on her. Like she lost a bet with Emma and let Wolverine style her hair when he was plastered.


Hair jokes aside, she meets up with the others at the breakfast table to discuss the mission. This is where one of Ellis's strengths show. He's always wielded dialogue the same way sushi chefs wield knives. The wordage and tone is perfect for the characters. He really captures Emma Frost's snarky attitude, which seems to have been watered down by writers like Matt Fraction to make her more of a good girl for Cyclops, is maintained and demonstrated in all sorts of wonderful ways. But the real fun comes with the dialogue between Storm and Cyclops.

Historically, Cyclops and Storm are the most powerful voices in the X-men besides Charles Xavier. When one of them is unable to lead, the other is always there to pick up the slack. In addition they are really in tuned with one another in terms of intent and understanding. They are unable to hide each others' subtleties and that makes for some nice witty remarks that give an overall sense of fun to the comics. And really, isn't that with comics should be all about?


It's cute. If only the comic would end there because it just goes downhill from that point. This is where the X-men go from a serious superhero team to a total fucking joke. It leads one to understand why this book doesn't appear to be (and probably shouldn't be) in continuity with the rest of the books. On the very next page the X-men prepare to fly to Africa to investigate. Now one would expect for them to go in full force, carrying themselves with the same heroic aura that has made them such a present in Marvel. But anyone expecting that is in for a couple of painful nut shots because for this mission, they're going at it in baseball uniforms. That's not a joke and that's not a cute euphemism. They are literally going out on a mission looking like a minor league softball team.


Now Ellis tries to justify this as having the X-men not cause too much of a stir. But someone as creative as him should be able to think of something better than fucking baseball uniforms. It's a bad omen because everything just goes downhill from there. The rest of the comic is basically the team chatting away on the X-jet, talking about the mission and Africa and even throwing in some politics for good measure. Because that's what your typical fanboy wants to read about when they pick up an X-men comic...an expose on African politics. It's about as interesting as it sounds. You would probably be better off giving yourself a concussion, checking into a hospital, and letting them drug you.

This is made even more painful by the nauseating art. Now I get that some books like to have a specific style associated with them. Astonishing wouldn't be able to distinguish itself if it didn't look unique. Well here it's about as unique as a deformed raccoon. The coloring, style, and overall outline of the characters is a joke. Storm and Emma look like barbie dolls that were shoved into the microwave and dipped in pancake batter. The men are about as proportional as Oprah's diet plan. The coloring so uninspiring it should be patented as a treatment for insomnia. I get that this comic is meant to be different, but art like this can only be balanced out with a quality story and since that story is sub-par it only emphasizes the sheer ugly-ass breadth of this art. There's no other way to say it. This art is possibly the only art that makes a character as hot as Emma Frost look like as appealing as a dead horses anus. They try to make up for it by blatantly showing off her boobs, but even the power of cleavage has it's limits.


The comic ends with a yawn and not a bang. Basically, they keep yaking away and do a quick pass over the Serengeti for Storm. It was a nice gesture and all, but totally unnecessary. Then they land and they encounter a bunch of guys with guns. That's when the comic ends. There's no action, no fighting, no X-men kicking ass as we're so used to seeing. It just ends and you die a little inside knowing you spend this money on a comic book with Warren Ellis as the writer and got chewed up chunk of dog shit wrapped in some fancy paper.


Now it would be wrong to say that Astonishing X-men Xenogenesis is the worst X-comic ever written. It still has a long way to go to reach the sheer shit storm that was Ultimate X. This comic does actually have some redeeming qualities. The dialogue between the characters and the overall characterization is spot on and even with lousy art, that's a big plus. There are comics with far greater eye candy that have such piss poor characterization it seems like a crime to put that kind of art with it. Still, Warren Ellis is better than this. He's capable of so much more and this really feels like an unnecessary comic. It's like Marvel is just trying to put an Astonishing title out there and hope that the name is good enough to sell. The sad part is it may work to a point, but if this is the quality they manage then even the most dogged half-brained consumer will opt for something a little better in the long run.

So what's the final verdict? I'm not going to give this issue the worst possible score. For it's small benefits and major drawbacks, it deserves a 2 out of 5. There is room for improvement, but until the art improves Astonishing is going to be the eye gougingly ugly step-child of X-men comics. Nuff said.

Pretty Kitty Variant for Uncanny 522

I usually don't care much for variant covers, but ever so often one comes along that just puts a smile on my face. It's not every day you find awesome in your favorite comics. Most of the time your underwhelmed. Sometimes you're even disappointed. But there will always be those special moments when you see something that just makes you glad to be a fanboy. This is one of them! Uncanny 522 is set to bring Kitty Pryde back into the fold and she's already looking good for her return. Riding a bullet in a skin-tight outfit is awesome on so many levels. Thank you Marvel! I don't always give you enough credit, but you know how to give the fans something to be excited about!