Deadpool Official Sneak Peek #1 (2016) - Ryan Reynolds Movie HD

Ryan Reynolds was once on top of the world. He was an A-list star, a Hollywood hot guy, and married to Scarlett Johanssan. Then, shit just started going wrong in so many ways. And I'm not just talking about the Green Lantern movie. Reynolds has a lot of crap in his career that he may never live down. Barakapool will be one of those things is one of them. But with an R-rated Deadpool movie set to come out in 2016, I like to think he's on the road to recovery. Today, that road begins with the teaser trailer to the Deadpool movie that we've all wanted, but Wolverine Origins denied us.


Will it make Wolverine Origins suck any less? No. But will it help make up for it? If it's awesome, fuck yes. Nuff said!

New Avengers Trailer Arrives - Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron Trailer 2

We've seen one trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron. It was awesome enough to make me want to run down my street naked thanking the gods that I have something this awesome to look forward to in 2015. Unfortunately, the sheriff of my neighborhood is a humorless pussy and some asshole killjoy passed some law about indecent exposure. I don't know. All I do know is that a second trailer has come out and I've got an aching desire to test those indecent exposure laws again. Nuff said!

X-men: Days of Future (Undoing the) Past - A Painfully Detailed Review

When it comes to providing quality awesome to the fine folks to who follow this mess of drunken ramblings some call a blog, I am fully willing to put myself through plenty of punishment. I will endure hangovers, brain damage, and strange burn marks on my ass that I don't remember getting after blacking out at a rave in Miami. That's how dedicated I am. Now it's easier for me in some respects because sometimes pain gives me a boner. But what I just did is nowhere near as enjoyable as paying a couple of strippers to bite my nipple and choke me while I touch myself. Since I know some fans would be clamoring for it, I sucked it up and did it. I saw X-men: Days of Futures Past.

Now I had planned to see this movie at some point, preferably when it came out on cable so I could go to the bathroom during commercial breaks and throw up when I needed. But I decided to just bite the bullet, sneak some whiskey into a movie theater, and saw the movie so that I can at least give the impression that I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I discuss it. Sure, I left drunk, but I also left with a full assessment of this movie that was supposed to give the X-men movies a fresh start.

Let's start by getting one thing out of the way. X-men: Days of Futures Past is NOT as awful as X3 or Wolverine Origins or The Wolverine. But again, that's like saying punch in the jaw feels better than a kick in the balls. The bar for quality in the X-men movies has been set so fucking low that Homer Simpson has the athletic ability to jump it. So making a movie that didn't make fans want to violently shit out their intestines through their eye sockets wasn't very hard. However, that doesn't mean it was worth massaging Bryan Singer's ego.

Because that's really the impression I got when I saw this movie. X-men: Days of Futures Past was all about ego. There's a very salient scene that was blatantly spoiled in a trailer where Xavier and Magneto have this little exchange:

Xavier: You took the things that meant most to me.

Magneto: Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.

Then Magneto fucks up the plane to make his point, which is a pretty effective way to win an argument. But when I saw this, I got the sense that this same conversation happened at some point behind the scene.

Bryan Singer: You destroyed something that meant so much to me.

Brett Ratner: Well maybe you should have fought harder for it.

That really is what this is about. Singer himself stated outright that this movie was meant to fix the steaming mountain of shit that Brett Ratner created when he spewed out X3 through his colon. But let us not forget the context of that epic tragedy. Singer is the one that ditched the X-men movies. Ratner was just the dipshit Fox hired to try and replace him. Singer put Ratner in a position to desecrate his own mountains of shit and for what? So he could make a movie that turned Superman into a fucking deadbeat dad? I'm sorry, Mr. Singer, but you have nobody to blame but yourself for this shit.

And that is very much the same situation that Charles Xavier finds himself in. He just fucking up and quit, turning into a burned out Saturday Night Fever wannabe after he lost his team and his students. And it wasn't like Magneto took them from him. They all got drafted into the Vietnam War because back in the 60s and 70s, public lynchings of minorities were less tolerated so the the government did the next best thing and sent their asses to war. Yes, it's a dick move. But it's an even bigger dick move to not do dick about it.

It's only when Xavier and the rest of the surviving X-men in the dystopian world of 2023 concoct the plan to send Wolverine back to the past to give his younger self a good kick in the ass. This in and of itself reeks of the same bullshit that made X3 such an infuriating subject for drunken X-men fans. In the same way Wolverine was forced into the main role that Cyclops should have had in X3, Wolverine is forced into the main role that Kitty Pryde should have had in X-men Days of Futures Past. At the very least, this time Kitty Pryde still plays a significant role. Unfortunately, she plays the role Rachel Grey should've played, but that's to be expected since Rachel Grey's parents were fucking killed. So from the beginning, this movie walks the same shit-stained path of X3.

However, it doesn't stay on that path. X-men Days of Futures Past actually relies less on shitty action and more on actual plot. There is a greater emphasis on making character moments that actually bring out a little emotion. The problem is those emotions still ring hollow. At no point in this movie does it make anyone forget just how badly the previous X-men movies were fucked. These emotions feel like nothing more than teases, like a stripper only pretending to take her top off. They never feel totally sincere.

That's not to say there isn't a concerted effort, but they leave me more confused than touched. Like why the fuck would Mystique get all weepy and teary-eyed over the deaths of Emma Frost, Azazel, or Banshee? There was absolutely no material in this movie or in X-men First Class to establish that she gave more than a partial fuck about them. I understand that they're all mutants and they're all supposed to be one big happy mutant brotherhood, but it's hard to take those emotions seriously when we have to just assume that Mystique, a character who has given fewer fucks than anyone in the X-men comics for the past decade, was actually really close to her teammates.

That's another thing that made me wish I snuck in another bottle of whiskey into the theater. A lot of the characters from X-men First Class were dead before this movie even began. Apparently, they had all been captured and subject to Nazi style torture by Bolivar Trask. No flashbacks. No teaser scene. They're all just dead and that's supposed to be what sets Mystique on the path to killing Trask, which somehow ushers in the dark and dangerous future that needs to be undone.

And that's yet another thing. Mystique is supposed to have killed Trask in 1973. And somehow THIS was supposed to be the trigger point. Yet in that time, the events of X1, X2, and X3 were able to transpire. Xavier said it himself. Trask's death is what kickstarted the Sentinel program. Yet his X-men, with all their power, did absolutely jack shit about it in all that time. The X-men are many things, but they're not nearly as inept as the fucking government. It lacks so many details, the least of which involves Bolivar Trask being alive and black in X2. Those are details that can be ignored in some circumstances, but this movie is trying to squeeze itself into the same universe as every other X-men movie. And therein lies the biggest flaw of X-men Days of Futures Past.

In Singer's effort to save his baby and his ego, he forgets that there are a fuckton of inconsistencies that should've made X-men First Class a reboot from the get go. 

First off, why the fuck is Bolivar Trask in X2, black, and not dead?

Second, how the fuck did Xavier and Magneto team up in X3 to recruit a young Jean Grey when they were clearly mortal enemies?

Third, how was Xavier able to walk when he met a young Jean Grey in X3 and still wield his telepathic powers when this movie established that so long as he took this drug to treat his legs, he couldn't use his telepathy?

Fourth, how is it that Xavier and Beast developed a serum that effectively suppressed their powers back in fucking 1973, yet they claimed they couldn't help mutants like Rogue or Cyclops, who couldn't control their powers?

Fifth, if a cure for mutant powers was developed that long ago, why the fuck was it such a big deal in X3?

Sixth, if Emma Frost is dead, then who the fuck was that same diamond-skinned woman in Wolverine Origins?

Seventh, if the Sentinels had working models as far back as 1973, why the fuck didn't they ever show up sooner? William Stryker knew about them. Yet he didn't bother using them when he attacked the X-men in X2?

Eighth, after Magneto demonstrates his power by taking an entire fucking football stadium and plop it down around the White House, how is it that Richard fucking Nixon, of all Presidents, basically shrugs his shoulders when Mystique decides to stop him? This is Richard Nixon, the man who began the drug war and spied on anyone who he couldn't make his bitch. Yet he's not paranoid enough to come up with some insane weapon to stop mutants like Magneto?

I could go on. There are so many inconsistencies in this movie that the idea that it takes place int he same universe as the other X-men movies makes no fucking sense, no matter how much LSD or weed anyone ingests. The only thing that can be said about this movie is that it did succeed in one important way. It completely undid the events of every other X-men movie, from X1 to The Wolverine. None of that shit happened. In the end, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor Xavier are alive. Rogue is still at the school and not swapping spit with Iceman, hinting that her powers aren't cured. The Xavier Institute is still intact and Wolverine didn't turn into a complete fucking pussy by ditching the team to run off and hump Mariko Yashida. I admit this did make the movie feel satisfying. All these other X-men movies that I hated with the passion of a billion lit farts have officially been nullified. However, the same problems still persist.

Characters like Rogue are still horribly underdeveloped and utterly different from their entire history in the comics. Cyclops is still just the pretty boy who acts as an obstacle to Wolverine humping whoever he wants to hump at the moment. Jean Grey is still this passionless, dead-eyed barbie doll that exists only to turn Wolverine into Edward Cullen. Storm still lacks the grace and charisma that she's supposed to have because it doesn't jive with Halle Barry's acting style. And since Singer is staying on board, there's no reason to believe this shit will change, even with the complete reboot that this movie created.

So what more can I say about X-men: Days of Futures Past that I can't say while sober? In terms of comic book movies, this one has to be graded on a reverse curve because every other X-men movie sucks so horribly that it's impossible to compare it to other movies like the Avengers or Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But it did at least attempt to catch up to the new, refined style of comic book movies by undoing the shitty movies that came before it. 

However, it tried way too fucking hard to make X-men First Class fit into the same world. It would have been much easier and opened so many new doors to just say, "Fuck it, X-men First Class is a reboot." But Singer just had to undo the shit that fucked up his precious X2. I can't give this movie too high or too low a score in that respect. Right now, I'll give it a 5 out of 10 because while it still sucked when it came to details, it did succeed in what it was supposed to do. Now we can all just cheer that X3, Wolverine Origins, and The Wolverine officially didn't happen. Then we can look forward to Singer fucking up this new timeline. For that, I'm going to need way more whiskey when I go into the theaters to see X-men: Apocalypse. Nuff said!

X-men: Days of Futures Past - Decoding Whether It Will Suck

I've avoided talking about the upcoming X-men: Days of Futures Past movie on this blog and for good reason. Every time I start talking about the X-men movies, I get so worked up I need three shots of heroin just to keep the veins in my neck from exploding. I've made no secret of my sentiment towards the X-men movies. I think they all suck more balls than Jenna Jameson in her prime. But I know I can't ignore this shit. It's going to give off a shitty stench no matter what I say or don't say. But I wouldn't be much of an X-men fan and this wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least mention this movie. And at the request of someone from The Hollywood Reporter, I think I have something I can share with my wonderful readers that doesn't involve a shot of heroin.

Longtime X-Men fans have bemoaned the fact that this summer’s X-Men: Days of Future Past sends Wolverine back in time to prevent a particularly dystopian future instead of Kitty Pryde, who served that role in the original comic version of the story. But what if there’s more going on than people suspected?

Read More At The Following Link:

'X-Men: Days of Future Past': Decoding CinemaCon's Time-Traveling Clip (Analysis)

It's Official: Wonder Woman Will Be In Batman vs. Superman

I know this news has already set the internet on fire. It has been trending on Twitter, crashing Facebook, and making the dicks of generations of straight men gush with joy, amongst other things. After over a half-century, Wonder Woman is finally going to be in a fucking movie. That's right, Daredevil and Spawn got a fucking movie before Wonder Woman. And after years of waiting and generations of coked out Hollywood pricks making excuses, we're finally going to see Wonder Woman in a major DC Comics movie. There are so many things I could say on behalf of my penis and comic book fans everywhere, but I'll just let the news speak for itself and start counting down the hours until July 17, 2015. Gonna need a lot of booze and weed. Nuff said!

Newsarama: Superman/Batman's Wonder Woman Cast

Warner Bros. has announced the actress who will play Wonder Woman/Diana Prince in director Zack Snyder's still-untitled 2015 Superman-Batman Man of Steel sequel that will see Henry Cavill return as Superman, joined by Ben Affleck as Batman, along with the returning Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Laurence Fishburne as Perry White, and Diane Lane as Martha Kent. The role will be played by 28 year-old Israeli actress and model Gal Gadot.

“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe," Snyder said on the casting. "Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”

Gadot is best known for her role in the second "Fast Trilogy," starring as Gisele Yashar in Fast and Furious, Fast Five, and Fast & Furious 6. She played a pivotal role in the action franchise as a member of the team of fast-driving vigilantes alongside Vin Diesel and the recently (and suddenly) deceased Paul Walker. Outside of the franchise, she has played mostly bit roles, so a turn as Wonder Woman, the most iconic female superhero and one of the most well-known superheroes in the world, will be a major step into the spotlight for the actress. In addition to acting, Gadot served two years in the Israel Defense Forces, as well as being a professional sports trainer, so her combat skills won't come just from trainers and coaches, but from her real-life experience.

The film is currently scheduled for a July 17, 2015 release.

Superman: Man of Steel REVIEW - A Bold (and Awesome) New Superman

For the past 25 years, the world of comics and movies have given a giant middle finger to heroes in favor of the constantly lactating tit that is the anti-hero. The ideals and morals of true heroes like Superman have been deemed "uncool" by the Illuminati or some cynical shit like that and now people love Batman, Wolverine, Iron Man, X-men, and Watchmen. These anti-heroes are not the kind of people that we would want to associate with in real life. These are not the kind of people that we teach our kids to be like. Yeah, they may save the day, but they also drink heavily, lust after married women, break the law, kill people, and generally act like complete assholes.

In fact, it's gotten to the point where I can count all the true heroes on one hand. There's Superman. There's Goku. There's Optimus Prime from Transformers. But that's it. I would include Captain America in that group, but after events like Avengers vs. X-men and Civil War he doesn't deserve to be in that category anymore. Hell, he doesn't even deserve to buff the dings out of Optimus Prime's ass. That's why I was so excited to see a new Superman movie. It's not that I'm burned out on anti-heroes. But I think there's still a place for real heroes in this world where being good, upstanding, and moral is now "uncool" for some reason and being a fucking asshole is a virtue. And if the S on Superman's chest is supposed to stand for hope, then this movie does a great job of reminding people of that hope.

Let me get this out of the way first. Superman: Man of Steel is awesome. It is by far the most awesome movie I have seen this year. It's better than Iron Man 3. Hell, it's better than the first two Iron Man movies, the Green Lantern movie, the Captain America movie, the Thor movie, and every single X-men movie (although that may not be saying much since all those movies sucked). The only movie that is on the same level is Avengers and this movie is awesome for the same reasons that Avengers is awesome.

Superman: Man of Steel doesn't try to reinvent Superman's 75-year-old story. Watching this movie, you will see the same story that people have known for nearly a century. But this movie has a number of changes. The reason Krypton failed is somewhat different, but similar. The life of Clark Kent growing up in Smallville is somewhat different, but similar. The big threat posed by General Zod is somewhat different, but similar. Seeing a pattern here? Director Zack Snyder walked a fine line between changing Superman and respecting the source material. Some of those changes are really trivial. Perry White is black, played by Morpheus himself, Lawrence Fishburne. Jimmy Olson had a sex change and is now Jenny Olson. But some changes are a lot more substantive.

SPOILER ALERT

SPOILER ALERT

The biggest change has to do with Lois Lane. She's not just Superman's love interest if you can believe that. She's not just his human foil either. Lois Lane in this movie has more balls than Wolverine had in any of the X-men movies (again, not saying much). She also figures out who Superman is very early on. He never had to keep his identity from her. She knows because...well, she's a damn good reporter. And good reporters figure this sort of shit out. In fact, it makes you think that Lois Lane was completely inept at her job for not figuring it out sooner. But this shows that she's both resourceful and skilled, someone who you actually feel is worthy of Superman's love. No one else reaches out to him the way Lois does. Also, he didn't knock her up and leave the planet. Sorry, I just had to throw in another big fuck you to Bryan Singer.

Go back to blowing Joel Shumacher.

Beyond Lois, another big change is Krypton itself. Superman isn't exactly the last of his kind in this movie. We already knew from the trailers that General Zod was the big bad guy and not Lex fucking Luthor this time (although Lexcorp is mentioned in an easter egg). But Zod also had an army of fellow Kryptonian exiles that were all loyal to him and dedicated to beating Superman to a pulp. It was actually the first time in a Superman movie where he looked truly overwhelmed. And he was. He actually couldn't defeat them without help from the human race.

And this is the biggest and best change to the Superman mythos. Superman himself is not all power. He's not the one that comes in and saves the day in this movie. He actually teams up with the human race. Hell, even the military folks help him. Yeah, they act like assholes at first, but without them the world becomes Zod's personal toilet. Both the military and Lois Lane are instrumental in saving the world. And the point isn't just that Superman is powerful enough to save the day. The point is that Superman will always make the right decision, even when it's the hard decision. And that's who Superman is supposed to be.

This was still a dick move, but Superman didn't hold it against them.

Beyond just the changes, this movie is very nicely detailed. The motivations and emotions are thoroughly vetted of not just Superman, but all the characters. General Zod is not just a tyrannical douche in this movie. He wants to restore the home he lost. He's a proud Kryptonian. That's not inherently evil unless you bring Nazi metaphors into the mix. And the reason why Krypton as a planet failed is thoroughly vetted too. It's not the same as it was in previous movies or in the comics, but it shows an attention to detail that you don't always see in a comic book movie. And yes, I'm looking at YOU the Dark Knight Rises.

There details extend to some flashbacks of Superman's childhood. It's not exactly like Smallville, but it once again shows that the Kent's are the reason why Superman is who he is. There were some truly emotional moments where Superman learned from his parents the importance of doing the right thing and making hard choices. That all played out later in the story and later in his life in a perfectly harmonious way. It makes this movie somewhat long at times, but every minute is gripping and it fits into a coherent whole. In the same way that I value comics that take the time to make sense, I put this movie on a higher pedestal because it makes sense.

Now I get there are criticisms to this movie. Rotten Tomatoes actually rated this movie lower than Superman Returns. But I say fuck you Rotten Tomatoes! Too much CGI? Who gives a shit! Too much Michael Bay style action? Who gives a shit? It's entertaining! It tells a coherent story! Yes, it's a story we're all familiar with. And yes, it's not as campy as previous Superman movies. And why should it be? It's not grim and gritty. The whole movie is centered around hope and doing the right thing. And it succeeds. If you somehow have a problem with that, then you're not being an intelligent critic. You're just being a douche-bag.

Please take this to heart, motherfucker.

Superman: Man of Steel isn't just a reboot. It's a bold new Superman for a new era. This isn't the same world from which Superman was created. It's not 1938. But this movie shows that there is still a place for the ideals that Superman represents. He, like the symbol on his chest, represents hope. Now Jor-El himself said in the movie that humanity would stumble behind that ideal, but in time we would join Superman in achieving wonderful things. That's a very real message that is a lot better than messages from other movies like Batman can get away with anything, Iron Man can built a suit to make up for the fact that he's an asshole, and Wolverine can be a cold-blooded killer yet still be a hero. None of those movies convey that ideal that Superman represents. When you see this movie, you see the hope that is that ideal for which we should all strive. Not all of us can reach it, but its mere presence is like a beacon of hope that is every bit as powerful as Superman himself.

When this movie was over, I walked out of the theater feeling every bit as satisfied as I felt when I walked out of the Avengers movie. Superman: Man of Steel is more than just another superhero movie. It takes a classic story that we all know and love and reminds us of why we love it. Superman: Man of Steel gets a 5 out of 5 and my highest recommendation. I may be an X-men fan and a lifelong Marvel fan, but I'm not afraid to admit that this movie touched me as both a comic book fan and just a fan in general. Superman is and will always be the standard by which all other heroes and anti-heroes are measured. And if you don't like, then you can go kiss his Kryptonian ass. Nuff said!

Avengers Movie News: Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch Joining the Cast?

I know this isn't a site people go to for movie news. This is a site where people go to so they can see a semi-functioning drunk review comics. But every so often, some news comes along that I feel is worth reporting because it is either so big that it deserves to be reported on no matter how drunk I am or it's just so WTF that it must be brought up. This is the latter.

Spinoff: Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch Confirmed for Avengers 2

In case there was any doubt that writer/director Joss Whedon was referring to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch last week when he teased there’s “a brother-sister act” in The Avengers 2, we now have confirmation.

According to Entertainment Weekly, an unnamed source states the twin children of Magneto will indeed join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in Marvel’s 2015 sequel. When the question was posed to studio President Kevin Feige, he would only say, “I’m not confirming or denying. The draft could change six months from now.”

Of course, that does confirm Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch appear in Whedon’s first take on the script, which the writer acknowledged is “an evolution, and that goes on in editing,  it goes on all through shooting and it never stops. [...] You do come to a point where you all agree, OK … I’ve got these two characters — my two favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie, that’s exciting — you lock certain things in. But then, there’s a certain fluidity …”

Judging by Whedon’s enthusiasm, it seems likely Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch will be among those things locked in throughout the development process.

While Fox owns the film rights to the X-Men franchise, Feige indicated in April 2012 that, presumably because of the characters’ long histories with the Avengers — they joined the team within a year of their introduction as X-Men villains — Marvel could use Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch as well.

“It’s a little complicated,” he said, “but if they [Fox] want to use them in the X-Men movie they could, [but] if we want to use them in The Avengers movie, we could.”

The Avengers 2 opens May 1, 2015.

Make no mistake. Avengers 2 has the capacity to set a standard of awesome that would make the universe shit itself. Marvel Studios has a wealth of characters and history to draw from, even with many characters belonging to other studios (fuck you, Fox and Sony). Yet they're risking multiple orgasms from lawyers by bringing in Quicksilver and the fucking Scarlett Witch? Two characters who for the past decade are best known for fucking things up with the Avengers rather than helping them? And then there's the incest. By Odin's divine shit, the fucking incest.

The image this panel burns in your mind will never go away. EVER.

How the fuck did someone wake up one day at Marvel studios and say, "Gee, you know what would be awesome? Putting two characters with incestuous tendencies and a knack for fucking up reality in our biggest franchise!" Anyone who said that should have either been fired or drug tested.

Now I have nothing against Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch. I understand they have a history with the Avengers. But throwing them in a movie where lawyers make sure that the X-men (which Fox has the rights to) never dare touch Marvel's greedy hands just seems needlessly complicated when there are already a long list of Avengers characters to explore.

Is anyone out there really going to argue in a sober state of mind that Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch are bigger names than Miss Marvel, Black Panther, Wasp, Ant Man, or She-Hulk? There is way too much fucking material for Marvel to work with on a movie this big so they have no fucking excuse. Now don't get me wrong. I am going to be among those waiting in line to see Avengers 2, but it won't be for Quicksilver and the Scarlett fucking Witch. If decades down the line Marvel has sodomized enough lawyers to get the X-men rights back from Fox, I would fully support a bigger crossover. But not like this. Nuff said!

Superman: Man of Steel TV Trailer

I know this is an X-men blog and I don't talk about DC Comics all that much, but like finely aged whiskey I have a special appreciation for the classics. And that includes Superman. In case you're brain damaged or joined cult that required you to live without electricity, the internet, and fun you already know that Superman: The Man of Steel is getting the Batman Begins treatment this summer. After finding out that audiences really didn't care for a Superman who knocks up a woman, leaves the planet, and returns only to ditch the kid, DC and Warner Brothers felt it best to just start from scratch. There's no kid. There's no underwear on the outside. And Perry White is black. It's all new for a new generation of hipsters raised on anti-heroes, badasses, and douche-bags. Will it work? Check out the new TV spot and be your own judge.

I think the answer to the question is pretty clear. The world is ready for Superman again. And if you're still among that jaded generation who won't accept a superhero that isn't an asshole, just know this. Superman is now banging Wonder Woman in addition to saving the world. What the fuck have you done with your life, fictional or otherwise, lately?

See this movie or she will hang you by your scrotum and beat you to death with her pinkie toe.

Wolverine Trailer - Blood, Babes, and Ninjas

I have a love-hate relationship with the X-men movies and by that I mean I love it when I'm not reminded of how much I hated how these movies were butchered. Of all the comic book movies and yes, I'm including the Dolph Lungern Punisher and Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider, I found the X-men movies to be the most disappointing. It's one thing to be underwhelmed by a movie. It's quite another to feel like you just had a quart of molten iron shoved up your ass. That's how I feel about the X-men movies.

And I'm not just talking about X3 and Wolverine "Who the fuck came up with Barakapool?" Origins. It's blasphemy among some fans, but I think Singer fucked the dead donkey with his approach to X1 and X2. His approach was basically fuck the comics. Just make use the characters and try to leech off the inherent awesome of Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman. As much as I love those two, that shit only goes so far in a movie. You actually have to have a fucking story and unless your Michael Bay, that story has to have some sort of meaning to it. The X-men movies didn't really have that. Wolverine just falls in love with some chick he knows for less than a few days, Nightcrawler completely fucking disappears after one movie, and Rogue proves that you can solve all your problems with drugs. Real fucking genuine, Singer! Maybe you should piss off Spider-Man fans by having Doc Ock take over Peter's body! Oh wait...bad example.

But like a guy who keeps waking up hung over at an S&M club in Amsterdam, I keep coming back for more. Matthew Vaughn's X-men First Class actually proved that an X-men movie can still work. It took a novel approach of actually telling a story that the comics never even bothered to tell until recently, namely the history of the friendship between Xavier and Magneto. It still had some pretty fucked up twists on certain characters, but it also had Emma Frost and a naked Mystique so that's a win in my book. Now Fox hopes to capture that same magic with The Wolverine.

Granted, the bar is NOT that high. You could just have two hours of Hugh Jackman taking a shit and eating a burger and it would still be better than fucking Barakapool. It's based on one of the best eras of Wolverine comics, namely the Chis Claremont and Frank Miller run in the 80s that had Wolverine in Japan. It's a defining story for Wolverine and one that has everything you could want in a movie. There's ninjas, hot chicks, and more violence than a drunk Chris Brown at a strip club. It also has Hugh fucking Jackman. This movie has no excuse not to be awesome and this trailer shows that if Fox fucks this up somehow, then they're beyond redemption. Nuff said!

Iron Man 3 Superbowl Trailer - Rich People Troubles

You know you got too drunk watching the Superbowl when you wake up hung over on your bed spooning your laptop with a porno still playing. Between oversized men beating the shit out of each other and hot women dancing on a stage, there are few things more American than the Superbowl. Hell, it's the only time of year when you don't skip the commercials because you might actually find one that's entertaining. Because most major companies these days can't be bothered to put in the effort during the other 364 days of the year.

But among all the colorful commercials of stupid white men, clever animals, and overt sexual innuendo there are a few other gems, namely movie trailers. Because what better way than to spread the word about a movie you've been hyping up for over a year than to pay TV stations obscene amounts of money to show a trailer that most people would just as easily watch on Youtube? I don't get it either, but I guess that's why I'm not in advertising. My only ideas would be putting ads on beer bottles to entice already gullible drunks. But Marvel seems to be saving that as a last resort, it seems, because during the Superbowl they showed yet another trailer of Iron Man 3. And in case you were too drunk like me to remember or too busy jerking off to Beyonce, here it is.

We don't really learn much more than we already know. Apparently, Tony Stark is overly traumatized by the shit that happened in Avengers and like a typical rich douche and part time superhero he manages to make it a serious fucking problem. Don't get me wrong. I'll be standing in line to see this movie with Iron Man cos-players and sneaking in a six pack like every other self-respecting Marvel comics fanboy. But I can't feel too compassionate about a guy going through personal issues when he has billions of dollars to fall back on. That or I'm still bitter about him being the asshole who thought that shooting the Phoenix Force with a big ass gun in Avengers vs. X-men was a good idea.

Whatever the case, it's going to be a big fucking deal when this movie comes out. If for no other reason, it's big because it's the first Marvel movie to take place after Avengers. And if a rich douche like Tony Stark is going to get shell shocked in a way that Shwarma can't fix, what hope do the other Avengers have? Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man Movie Review: Unamazed and Underwhelming

I know this is later than Bristol Palin's last period. I know the Amazing Spider-Man movie came out a week ago and since then pretty much everybody, their brother, and their third cousin has reviewed or offered their input. I would have been among those, but this annoying shit called life got in the way. I won't say what it involved, but let's just say I wasn't in a position to make it to a movie theater last week and I may still have a bounty on my head in certain towns in Mexico. But I finally did manage to see it and since I have no other reviews this week, I figured I would at least let this horse finish the race.

Amazing Spider-Man was billed a fresh, juicy reboot. The first three Spider-Man movies with Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst made more money than the gross national product of Cambodia and earned more than its share of praise. I personally enjoyed all three of them. Some were better than others, but they were all movies you could sit through completely sober and still come out feeling good. Rather than risk making a Superman IV, Sony and Columbia pictures decided to just start from scratch again. This upset some people, but I thought it was a good decision. There's no use drawing out a series until it starts rotting like a cheese sandwich left in a parked car in Phoenix, Arizona. I think Batman and Robin as well as the X-men movies have shown how horribly that shit can go bad. Instead, Amazing Spider-Man was going to be different by keeping Peter Parker young and in high school while swapping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy. It's basically a redhead for a blonde. Hugh Hefner would call that a fair trade.

Who needs redheads anyways?

Unfortunately, rebooting the series also meant retelling Spider-Man's origin story, which is only slightly more well-known than the story of Jesus Christ. It also meant watching the same growing pains we saw in the first Spider-Man movie, albeit without Toby McGuire posing shirtless in front of the mirror. I guess Sony and Columbia decided they weren't going to win over the 50 Shades of Gray crowd with Andrew Garfield, but even if they did retell the origins story that doesn't mean the movie can't be good, right?

Well I'm sad to say that if all reboots were graded on a curve, Amazing Spider-Man would be that drooling, paste-eating kid in the classroom that set it. This movie wasn't awful. I didn't vomit uncontrollably like I did when I saw the third X-men movie. But this movie had so many facepalm moments that even I couldn't get drunk enough to enjoy it. They had the right actors. Andrew Garfield has a good presence on screen and Emma Stone is among one of the best rising stars that hasn't been busted for cocaine yet. Dennis Leary even took a break from fantasizing about every member of the New York Yankees suffering from explosive diarrhea to play Captain George Stacy. They just had a horrible script and a horribly disorganized plot.

Still not enough facepalms

The biggest problem had to do with Peter Parker's portrayal. In the comics, the first three movies, and pretty much every other major incarnation of Spider-Man, Peter Parker has been a scrawny geek who would be the last man alive to soak the panties of any of his female peers. Toby McGuire captured that persona well in the first Spider-Man movie. You really did believe that he was a nerd. Andrew Garfield never at any point sold that vital part of Peter Parker's character.

Instead, they opted to make Peter cooler. He didn't wear glasses. He wore contacts most of the time. He didn't walk around and run to catch up with buses that left him behind. He used a skateboard. And I can't remember the last time I met a science nerd who was into skateboarding. I met one girl in college who had the periodic table tattooed on her lower back as a tramp stamp. That's about it. Also, Peter was often bullied and made fun of in the comics. That happens here, but only because he tries to fight back against bullies. At one point he tries to stop Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's everyday douche-bag, when he's picking on someone else. So he was basically trying to play hero before he got his powers. That may be admirable, but that's a trait of Captain America and not Peter Parker.

Moreover, when Peter finally does get his powers, he comes off as the least likeable hero since the fucking Whizzer. A single spider bite not only gives him spider powers, but it teaches him how to fight. With no training whatsoever, he starts beating up assholes on a subway. At least in the previous movie, Peter got some experience as a wrestler. He doesn't get any of that shit here. Suddenly, he's so incredibly competent in his abilities to fight, you almost can't root for him because it's an insult to every hero and villain that ever put themselves through hell so they could learn to kick ass.

Real heroics takes years of training and a multi-billion dollar trust fund.

In addition to Peter's skills being completely contrived, his interactions with Gwen Stacy were pitiful. I'm not saying the dialog between him and Mary Jane in the first three Spider-Man movies was fucking Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. Here's how their dialog went.

Peter: So um you want to...

Gwen: Want to?

Peter: You know how...

Gwen: Yeah...I mean, sure.

Peter: So we can...

Gwen: Why not?

Gwen and Peter's conversations were so jumbled and retarded that I know kindergarteners that are more intelligible. Fuck, the Hulk was more intelligible in both his movies. Every time they were on screen together, I had to take a shot of bourbon that I sneaked into the theater (I can't be the only one that does that) so that my ears wouldn't start bleeding. Even at his most awkward in the comics, Peter is at least articulate when he's not making wise-cracks. He's supposed to be smart. He sounds fucking brain damaged in every moment with Gwen.

Yet for reasons that make less sense than quantum mechanics, Gwen falls for him. There's really no reason or chemistry between them. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the fuck she would be into him. Even after he revealed that was Spider-Man (at this point, fuck spoiler warnings), her reaction and demeanor was pretty much the same. In the comics Gwen and Peter had chemistry because Gwen was a sweet girl who saw through his nerdy exterior. If you didn't now anything about their history, you would be confused as to why she would be into him. He didn't save her life like he did with Mary Jane in the first movie (at first). He didn't try to impress her all that much. She just fell into his lap. Unless you've got a $100 bucks hanging out of your zipper at a strip club, that shit doesn't happen.

There's nothing you can say or do that won't make me want to jump your bone.

Aside from bad characterization and equally bad jokes about PMS, the overall flow of this movie looks like it was organized by a fucking drunk with carpel tunnel syndrome. The whole movie was ridiculously choppy. It would go from scene to scene in such a chaotic way that you can actually tell that there was more that was chopped out to keep the movie from being longer than the last Lord of the Rings movies. I normally don't notice that shit in a movie because most movies are coherent enough to at least make it looks like they're not cut together with scotch-tape. But this one was so painfully apparent that no amount of alcohol could mask it.

Now I know I'm ranting a bit here, but that's not to say that this movie didn't have it's moments. It had a lot of solid premises that had a great deal of potential. This movie actually utilized the complicated history of Peter Parker's parents, which definitely added some family elements that weren't shown in previous movies. It also had a great villain in the Lizard. If there was one highlight, it was definitely the journey of Curt Conners as he became the big menace that Peter had to deal with. But good ideas are only as good as the way in which they're portrayed and they were portrayed horribly here. I can't overlook that nor drink enough to make me forget.

Amazing Spider-Man may have not been awful, but given the benchmark the other three movies set it was painfully underwhelming. Sony and Columbia had a clean slate here and they essentially cobbled together a bunch of Spider-Man associated imagery and packaged it as a movie without giving much thought to the actual story. I doubt they give three licks of a Lion's scrotum because this movie is going to make them a fuckton of money no matter what critics say. However, the tag-line of this movie (which was never even said out loud mind you) is that with great power comes great responsibility. The folks that made this movie had the power to do this story we all know and love justice and they were just flat out irresponsible. They may be able to sleep in a pile of money while supermodels suck their dicks, but they're no better than the Lizard in this movie. That's why I give this movie a 2 out of 5. It's not Batman and Robin, but it's by far the weakest comic book movie I've seen since Green Lantern.

There's still hope for this series. This movie wasn't so bad that I would not give the sequel a chance. But it needs to go through some major fucking improvements to make up for this shit. There's a lot of story to tell with Spider-Man. They got the reboot out of the way and now they need take it 10 steps further. There are any number of ways they could make this awesome. Given how badly this turned out, they have the responsibility to use as many of those ways as possible for the sequels.

When in doubt, add another hot chick.

The Losers is a Winner But Not By Much

Of the many comic book movies to get adapted for the big screen, the Losers was somewhat of an unknown. This comic, published by Vertigo, was not a heavily followed ongoing series and it certainly wasn't as critically acclaimed as other major titles like Watchmen and V for Vendetta. However, the Losers still had plenty of merit to make itself a movie and the end result is as enjoyable as anyone could hope for.

The main appeal to this movie is the heavy blend of over-the-top action and humor. There are raging gun battles and crazy explosions all throughout the movie in addition to some funny moments that balance out the destruction. In the middle of it all there is still a plot. Five soldiers are framed in an operation in Bolivia that left over 20 innocent children dead. The one who orchestrated this setup, Max, is a shady and obsessively evil arms dealer with ties to the CIA. So the five men go into hiding and have to rely on a mysterious and sexy woman, Aisha, to help them get back into the country and get their revenge on Max.

The plot is simple and so are the details. Nobody needs to be a reader of the comics to appreciate what's going on and nobody needs to be much of a comic fan to enjoy it. The explosions and battles are all well developed and there are even a few twists and turns towards the end that will keep viewers on their toes. There are some witty one-liners to remember and some nice shots of scantily clad women. All around it's full of mindless fun.

That also happens to be one of the movie's shortcomings. As fun as it is, the plot and the action are pretty mindless at times. There isn't a whole lot of depth to the characters or the plot. There aren't a lot of personal elements to really give the story a human touch and at times the story is pretty choppy. There are also some notable plot holes at the end that will leave some viewers scratching their heads and with no resolution it feels incomplete.

Overall, the Losers is still a fun movie. It's not the best comic adaptation by a long shot and it's not the best action movie by a longshot either. But it's still enjoyable and helps wet the appetite for Iron Man 2. It gets a 2.5 out of 5 and worthy praise for doing what it sets out to do.

Jack