X-men: Days of Future (Undoing the) Past - A Painfully Detailed Review

When it comes to providing quality awesome to the fine folks to who follow this mess of drunken ramblings some call a blog, I am fully willing to put myself through plenty of punishment. I will endure hangovers, brain damage, and strange burn marks on my ass that I don't remember getting after blacking out at a rave in Miami. That's how dedicated I am. Now it's easier for me in some respects because sometimes pain gives me a boner. But what I just did is nowhere near as enjoyable as paying a couple of strippers to bite my nipple and choke me while I touch myself. Since I know some fans would be clamoring for it, I sucked it up and did it. I saw X-men: Days of Futures Past.

Now I had planned to see this movie at some point, preferably when it came out on cable so I could go to the bathroom during commercial breaks and throw up when I needed. But I decided to just bite the bullet, sneak some whiskey into a movie theater, and saw the movie so that I can at least give the impression that I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I discuss it. Sure, I left drunk, but I also left with a full assessment of this movie that was supposed to give the X-men movies a fresh start.

Let's start by getting one thing out of the way. X-men: Days of Futures Past is NOT as awful as X3 or Wolverine Origins or The Wolverine. But again, that's like saying punch in the jaw feels better than a kick in the balls. The bar for quality in the X-men movies has been set so fucking low that Homer Simpson has the athletic ability to jump it. So making a movie that didn't make fans want to violently shit out their intestines through their eye sockets wasn't very hard. However, that doesn't mean it was worth massaging Bryan Singer's ego.

Because that's really the impression I got when I saw this movie. X-men: Days of Futures Past was all about ego. There's a very salient scene that was blatantly spoiled in a trailer where Xavier and Magneto have this little exchange:

Xavier: You took the things that meant most to me.

Magneto: Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.

Then Magneto fucks up the plane to make his point, which is a pretty effective way to win an argument. But when I saw this, I got the sense that this same conversation happened at some point behind the scene.

Bryan Singer: You destroyed something that meant so much to me.

Brett Ratner: Well maybe you should have fought harder for it.

That really is what this is about. Singer himself stated outright that this movie was meant to fix the steaming mountain of shit that Brett Ratner created when he spewed out X3 through his colon. But let us not forget the context of that epic tragedy. Singer is the one that ditched the X-men movies. Ratner was just the dipshit Fox hired to try and replace him. Singer put Ratner in a position to desecrate his own mountains of shit and for what? So he could make a movie that turned Superman into a fucking deadbeat dad? I'm sorry, Mr. Singer, but you have nobody to blame but yourself for this shit.

And that is very much the same situation that Charles Xavier finds himself in. He just fucking up and quit, turning into a burned out Saturday Night Fever wannabe after he lost his team and his students. And it wasn't like Magneto took them from him. They all got drafted into the Vietnam War because back in the 60s and 70s, public lynchings of minorities were less tolerated so the the government did the next best thing and sent their asses to war. Yes, it's a dick move. But it's an even bigger dick move to not do dick about it.

It's only when Xavier and the rest of the surviving X-men in the dystopian world of 2023 concoct the plan to send Wolverine back to the past to give his younger self a good kick in the ass. This in and of itself reeks of the same bullshit that made X3 such an infuriating subject for drunken X-men fans. In the same way Wolverine was forced into the main role that Cyclops should have had in X3, Wolverine is forced into the main role that Kitty Pryde should have had in X-men Days of Futures Past. At the very least, this time Kitty Pryde still plays a significant role. Unfortunately, she plays the role Rachel Grey should've played, but that's to be expected since Rachel Grey's parents were fucking killed. So from the beginning, this movie walks the same shit-stained path of X3.

However, it doesn't stay on that path. X-men Days of Futures Past actually relies less on shitty action and more on actual plot. There is a greater emphasis on making character moments that actually bring out a little emotion. The problem is those emotions still ring hollow. At no point in this movie does it make anyone forget just how badly the previous X-men movies were fucked. These emotions feel like nothing more than teases, like a stripper only pretending to take her top off. They never feel totally sincere.

That's not to say there isn't a concerted effort, but they leave me more confused than touched. Like why the fuck would Mystique get all weepy and teary-eyed over the deaths of Emma Frost, Azazel, or Banshee? There was absolutely no material in this movie or in X-men First Class to establish that she gave more than a partial fuck about them. I understand that they're all mutants and they're all supposed to be one big happy mutant brotherhood, but it's hard to take those emotions seriously when we have to just assume that Mystique, a character who has given fewer fucks than anyone in the X-men comics for the past decade, was actually really close to her teammates.

That's another thing that made me wish I snuck in another bottle of whiskey into the theater. A lot of the characters from X-men First Class were dead before this movie even began. Apparently, they had all been captured and subject to Nazi style torture by Bolivar Trask. No flashbacks. No teaser scene. They're all just dead and that's supposed to be what sets Mystique on the path to killing Trask, which somehow ushers in the dark and dangerous future that needs to be undone.

And that's yet another thing. Mystique is supposed to have killed Trask in 1973. And somehow THIS was supposed to be the trigger point. Yet in that time, the events of X1, X2, and X3 were able to transpire. Xavier said it himself. Trask's death is what kickstarted the Sentinel program. Yet his X-men, with all their power, did absolutely jack shit about it in all that time. The X-men are many things, but they're not nearly as inept as the fucking government. It lacks so many details, the least of which involves Bolivar Trask being alive and black in X2. Those are details that can be ignored in some circumstances, but this movie is trying to squeeze itself into the same universe as every other X-men movie. And therein lies the biggest flaw of X-men Days of Futures Past.

In Singer's effort to save his baby and his ego, he forgets that there are a fuckton of inconsistencies that should've made X-men First Class a reboot from the get go. 

First off, why the fuck is Bolivar Trask in X2, black, and not dead?

Second, how the fuck did Xavier and Magneto team up in X3 to recruit a young Jean Grey when they were clearly mortal enemies?

Third, how was Xavier able to walk when he met a young Jean Grey in X3 and still wield his telepathic powers when this movie established that so long as he took this drug to treat his legs, he couldn't use his telepathy?

Fourth, how is it that Xavier and Beast developed a serum that effectively suppressed their powers back in fucking 1973, yet they claimed they couldn't help mutants like Rogue or Cyclops, who couldn't control their powers?

Fifth, if a cure for mutant powers was developed that long ago, why the fuck was it such a big deal in X3?

Sixth, if Emma Frost is dead, then who the fuck was that same diamond-skinned woman in Wolverine Origins?

Seventh, if the Sentinels had working models as far back as 1973, why the fuck didn't they ever show up sooner? William Stryker knew about them. Yet he didn't bother using them when he attacked the X-men in X2?

Eighth, after Magneto demonstrates his power by taking an entire fucking football stadium and plop it down around the White House, how is it that Richard fucking Nixon, of all Presidents, basically shrugs his shoulders when Mystique decides to stop him? This is Richard Nixon, the man who began the drug war and spied on anyone who he couldn't make his bitch. Yet he's not paranoid enough to come up with some insane weapon to stop mutants like Magneto?

I could go on. There are so many inconsistencies in this movie that the idea that it takes place int he same universe as the other X-men movies makes no fucking sense, no matter how much LSD or weed anyone ingests. The only thing that can be said about this movie is that it did succeed in one important way. It completely undid the events of every other X-men movie, from X1 to The Wolverine. None of that shit happened. In the end, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor Xavier are alive. Rogue is still at the school and not swapping spit with Iceman, hinting that her powers aren't cured. The Xavier Institute is still intact and Wolverine didn't turn into a complete fucking pussy by ditching the team to run off and hump Mariko Yashida. I admit this did make the movie feel satisfying. All these other X-men movies that I hated with the passion of a billion lit farts have officially been nullified. However, the same problems still persist.

Characters like Rogue are still horribly underdeveloped and utterly different from their entire history in the comics. Cyclops is still just the pretty boy who acts as an obstacle to Wolverine humping whoever he wants to hump at the moment. Jean Grey is still this passionless, dead-eyed barbie doll that exists only to turn Wolverine into Edward Cullen. Storm still lacks the grace and charisma that she's supposed to have because it doesn't jive with Halle Barry's acting style. And since Singer is staying on board, there's no reason to believe this shit will change, even with the complete reboot that this movie created.

So what more can I say about X-men: Days of Futures Past that I can't say while sober? In terms of comic book movies, this one has to be graded on a reverse curve because every other X-men movie sucks so horribly that it's impossible to compare it to other movies like the Avengers or Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But it did at least attempt to catch up to the new, refined style of comic book movies by undoing the shitty movies that came before it. 

However, it tried way too fucking hard to make X-men First Class fit into the same world. It would have been much easier and opened so many new doors to just say, "Fuck it, X-men First Class is a reboot." But Singer just had to undo the shit that fucked up his precious X2. I can't give this movie too high or too low a score in that respect. Right now, I'll give it a 5 out of 10 because while it still sucked when it came to details, it did succeed in what it was supposed to do. Now we can all just cheer that X3, Wolverine Origins, and The Wolverine officially didn't happen. Then we can look forward to Singer fucking up this new timeline. For that, I'm going to need way more whiskey when I go into the theaters to see X-men: Apocalypse. Nuff said!

Wolverine: Days of Futures Past Trailer - Guest Starring The X-men

I can't make any jokes about certain issues. Genocide, racism, and rape are all touchy subjects and I'm no Danial Tosh. For me, the X-men movies are right up there. I've already made my sentiment clear in plenty of previous posts. I fucking hate every fucking X-men movie that Fox has shat out of their diseased twat. Bryan Singer took a big steaming piss on the concept with his first two movies. Brett Ratner took a massive shit that made it completely irredeemable. Brian K. Vaughn had a chance to reboot the whole thing and substantially unfuck it. But now Singer has come back and is intent on ensuring it remains fucked.

I could go on and on about why these movies are so fucked. I could talk about how James Marsden turned Cyclops into the same fucking character he plays in every movie where he's just the pretty boy who loses out to some other guy who steals his girl, his livelihood, and his life. I could talk about how Jean Grey was given the personality of a comatose chimp. I could talk about how Rogue became the exact opposite of everything that made her awesome in every other X-men medium. I could talk about how every movie turned Wolverine from the ultimate badass to a walking vagina that disgust even Edward Cullen. But I won't. I don't have the strength or the liver capacity to review the long list of reasons these X-men movies suck. It usually just comes down to Bryan Singer not giving enough fucks about characters not named Wolverine. And even when he does care, his only method seems to be making Wolverine into a fucking pussy. But I digress.

Fox and Singer still aren't done fucking the X-men up beyond all recognition. They've got this movie coming out called Wolverine: Days of Futures Past. Actually, they claim it's called "X-men" Days of Futures Past. But we all know that's bullshit on a stick. This is not an X-men movie. It's just Wolverine with the X-men playing a supporting role. Because Singer knows that all worked SO fucking well in X3 where they took the greatest X-men story of all time, the Phoenix Saga, and made it all about fucking Wolverine. Now they're going to take the second greatest X-men story of all time, Days of Futures Past, and make it about fucking Wolverine. That's like someone who just shot themselves in the foot choosing to shoot their other foot just because they want to finish the job. It's like snorting anthrax and then getting an small pox enema. There's no fucking excuse. And the latest trailer basically confirms that this piece of shit movie is going to be another X3. It's not an X-men movie. It's just another bullshit Wolverine movie.



I don't think I need to say anything else. I know this movie is going to make a metric fuckton of money that it doesn't deserve. Even if every fucking person who sees it hates it, Fox will turn a profit and that's all the excuse they need to make another one. They don't own these characters. They just own the rights. That is the extent of the amount of fucks they give. And short of a total fucking reboot, every X-men movie is destined to be completely and utterly fucked. Nuff said.

X-men: Days of Futures Past - Decoding Whether It Will Suck

I've avoided talking about the upcoming X-men: Days of Futures Past movie on this blog and for good reason. Every time I start talking about the X-men movies, I get so worked up I need three shots of heroin just to keep the veins in my neck from exploding. I've made no secret of my sentiment towards the X-men movies. I think they all suck more balls than Jenna Jameson in her prime. But I know I can't ignore this shit. It's going to give off a shitty stench no matter what I say or don't say. But I wouldn't be much of an X-men fan and this wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least mention this movie. And at the request of someone from The Hollywood Reporter, I think I have something I can share with my wonderful readers that doesn't involve a shot of heroin.

Longtime X-Men fans have bemoaned the fact that this summer’s X-Men: Days of Future Past sends Wolverine back in time to prevent a particularly dystopian future instead of Kitty Pryde, who served that role in the original comic version of the story. But what if there’s more going on than people suspected?

Read More At The Following Link:

'X-Men: Days of Future Past': Decoding CinemaCon's Time-Traveling Clip (Analysis)

X-men Days of Futures Past Trailer - Needless Hope

I don't claim to be without flaws. I know my flaws are long enough to earn me a spot on the Jerry Springer All-Pro team, but I don't minimize my major flaws or trivialize my numerous minor flaws. I like to think that I'm an honest drunk. And because of that, I get pissed off at people who think their biggest flaw is some contrived bullshit that can't be used to beat them over the head. So naturally, I'm extremely pissed off at the X-men movies.

I've already made my sentiment about these movies painfully clear on this blog. I despise them on a scale that would make Uatu the Watcher shit himself in awe. I could do several blogs listing all the ways the X-men movies suck worse than anything Joel Shumacher could ever produce. There's the bullshit characterization, the shitty character deaths, the piss poor pacing, the horribly underdeveloped relationships, bad acting on the part of otherwise awesome actors, and stories that take a big steaming shit on some of the most iconic comics of all time. The X-men movies actually did something that I thought was impossible. They turned Wolverine into a total fucking pussy despite Hugh Jackman doing everything he could to look badass enough for the part. And any X-men story turns the one of the most badass characters in all of fiction into a whiney pussy who gets all weepy over a woman he barely fucking knows for a few days deserves to be treated with the same contempt as that asshole kid in grade school who likes to take a shit in other kids' backpacks. That guy knows who he is and we know why we should hate him.

But it's not enough that the X-men movies took a massive shit on the Phoenix Saga, also known as the greatest X-men story ever told. Now Bryan Singer is back and may potentially take an equally massive shit on Days of Futures Past, also known as the second greatest X-men story ever told. He's already given the finger to the source material, once again making fucking Wolverine the central character that goes back in time instead of Kitty Pryde. I guess Singer forgot how badly that worked out when X3 tried to shove Wolverine into Cyclops's role with the Phoenix Saga. He probably thinks that he can thrust Wolverine into more places than a lesbian sex addict ina dildo factory and past movies have shown that the results are more fucked than a used condom at Ron Jeremy's house. While this movie is being billed as a soft reboot of sorts in an effort to fix X3 while not admitting that anyone fucked up, I have very little hope for it.

None the less, a trailer has finally come out. And in this trailer, "hope" is billed as the most important component to the X-men movies. "We need you to hope again" is somehow supposed to be all it takes to make the X-men movies not suck. I say that adding hope to these movies is like trying to take a piss to put out a forest fire. It just isn't enough.

This trailer doesn't change my conclusion. It's basically a bunch of flat characters with iconic names being thrust into a story that is going to be centered around making Wolverine the focus of fucking everything with Charles Xavier and Magneto playing minor supporting roles. But that's just the sentiment of a drunken lifelong comic book fan. I'm sure this shit will make a fuckton of money and it'll be declared a success, no matter how many people it pisses off. That's by far the biggest flaw. I'm sorry young burned out 70s Charles Xavier, but hope just isn't going to cut it. Nuff said!

Newsarama Update: What We Know About "X-men Days of Futures Past"

It's been a while since I talked about anything related to the X-men movies. I sort of have to because anytime I start talking about X-men movies I black out and wake up face down on my kitchen floor with all my booze gone and a stabbing pain in my ass. That's what happens when Fox and Marvel collectively gangbang the movies into oblivion with shit like X3 and Wolverine Origins. I mean what the fuck were they on when they came up with fucking Barakapool? There are some drugs that even I won't touch and that would be one of them.

But whether this shit kills my liver or not, it doesn't change the fact that these movies make a fuckton of money and Odin knows that the big wigs at Fox and Marvel can never have enough imported blow. While X-men First Class was an upgrade purely because it didn't follow any of the shit storms kicked up by the previous movies, Bryan Singer is looking to take it a step further with X-men First Class: Days of Futures Past. He's looking to do the exact opposite of what Brett Ratner did and NOT fuck up one of the most beloved stories in the history of X-men. That shouldn't sound too hard on paper, but given how Singer himself says he hated X3 he knows he's got a lot of unfucking to do.

Nope. Still not enough to undo X3. Nice try though.

Thankfully, Singer appears to be pulling out all the stops. He's not just bringing the X-men First Class crew back into the fold. He's bringing in other X-men veterans like Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian "Gandalf" McKellen. Apparently, the X-men alumni are just as eager to put X3 behind them as the rest of the universe. It's making for a crowded movie with a ton of star power who will likely be fighting for screen time, bonuses, and Eastern European hookers. As such, Newsarama recently did a nice article compiling everything we know so far about this movie. And after reading it, I've concluded we still don't know jack shit.

Newsarama: What We Know About X-men: Days of Futures Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a little under 18 months away, and director Bryan Singer is announcing casting news via his Twitter account on a regular basis, with what feels like everyone who showed up for a frame in the first few X-Men movies returning for this one.
So let's take a look at what we know so far, along with a little bit of speculation as to what could be next. 

WHO'S IN

A lot of people.

No, seriously: Days of Future Past is effectively of a direct sequel to 2011's X-Men: First Class, so it's not a shock that much of the main cast from the '60s-set film — Michael Fassbender (Magneto), James McAvoy (Charles Xavier), Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) and Nicholas Hoult (Beast) — are all back. 

But the time traveling nature of Days of Future Past means that a lot of the contemporary X-Men from the original three films — the first two directed by Singer, and the third by Brett Ratner — are also returning. Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine for the seventh time (counting his memorable First Class cameo), and Ian McKellen (modern-day Magneto) and Patrick Stewart (modern-day Xavier) are also on board, according to Singer.

This past weekend, three more X-alumni were added to the already large Days of Future Past cast: Anna Paquin (Rogue), Shawn Ashmore (Iceman) and Ellen Page (Kitty Pryde). The latter's inclusion seems especially notable, given the important part that Kitty Pryde played in the "Days of Future Past" comic book story that serves as inspiration to the film.

Though that's already a lot of X-Men, there's no indication that Singer is stopping here. Someone like James Marsden (Cyclops), who's playing a big role in the 30 Rock wrap-up, sure seems like a possibility given his importance to the franchise, but there's been no word yet on his involvement. (And yeah, his character died in The Last Stand, but a) time travel, and b) X-Men characters have been known to come back from the dead once or twice.) 

Halle Berry (Storm) may seem like a long-shot to return for what is likely a small part, but she is one of the many big names in Movie 43, so really anything is possible. Rebecca Romijn — the original movie Mystique — had a quick First Class appearance, so no reason to count her out, either.

There's even been word that Alan Cumming, who appeared in 2003's X2: X-Men United as Nightcrawler but did not return for The Last Stand, is interested in returning.

"Enough time has elapsed that I would like to go back to it," Cumming was quoted by NME via ComingSoon.net. "I haven't gotten the call. Someone told me that Nightcrawler doesn't appear in the story but I don't know, I think they would have called by now."

Also in the "no word either way" category: Kelsey Grammer, The Last Stand's Beast (but with younger Beast confirmed to be playing a role, maybe?); and plenty of First Class cast members like Caleb Landy Jones (Banshee), Lucas Till (Havok) and Zoë Kravitz (Angel Salvadore)

Also, hey: Along with the bonanza of returning characters, it's likely that the movie will introduce a couple of new-to-movie characters, right? Purely speculating here, but given the nature of the story, might noted time-travelers Cable or Bishop be a possibility? Or maybe Rachel Summers — a product of the "Days of Future Past" comic book story?

WHO'S OUT

Inevitably, a few X-Men wont be in Days of Future Past (as unlikely as that may seem right now). It's looking at this point that Famke Janssen, who played Jean Grey in the first three movies, is not planned to return. In a recent interview with Collider promoting Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Janssen said, "If you run into Bryan Singer, just tell him I’ve been sitting by the phone, I’ve been hearing rumors of all these people getting cast; what about me? I’m waiting." 

Yet there have been multiple reports that Janssen will cameo as Jean Grey in this year's The Wolverine, so don't count her out yet. (Yes, she also died in The Last Stand. It's Jean Grey we're talking about.) 

January Jones also doesn't seem optimistic about a Days of Future Past role — quoted by MovieWeb as saying "I don't think Emma [Frost]'s in this one" — news likely to please the many fans less than enthused by her performance in First Class.

WHAT'S THE STORY?

Days of Future Past is one of the most famous X-Men stories of all time, originally appearing in 1981's Uncanny X-Men #141-#142. It presents a bleak alternate future where most of the X-Men are dead, and mutants are hunted even worse than they are in the mainstream Marvel timeline. 

It's all because the X-Men failed to stop the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, led by Mystique, from killing the anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly. That caused all sorts of major problems for homo superior, and prompted the adult "Kate" Pryde to transports her mind back in time into her younger body to warn the X-Men about the consequences of the assassination. The story also served as the introduction of Rachel Summers, the alternate future daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey that remains an important part of current X-Men comics.

In a newly published interview with Empire, Singer made it clear that time travel is an important part of his story, and that he even consulted with James Cameron. 

"You have to create your rules and stick with them," Singer told the UK film magazine. "That's why Terminator and Back To The Future work so well. And there are certain mechanisms in X-Men, certain powers, perceptions and characters, that make this possible."

Singer also made clear that the movie will indeed take cues from the comic, albeit in a way that makes sense for the format.

"It has a lot of aspects of the comic," Singer said. "The actual comic of Days Of Future Past had a whole ton of stuff going on, so it’s like any of these things; you have to distill it. But I think the fans will be pleased that some of the most exciting parts of Days Of Future Past are going to be connected to this movie."

Comic book superstar Mark Millar is a creative consultant on Fox's Marvel movies, and a few months back implied that the movie will have something important to the "Days of Future Past" comic book story but not yet really seen in the movies: Sentinels, the giant mutant-hunting robots long a part of X-Men lore.

“You've got robots, you've got time travel, you've got superheroes," Millar said in an interview with SFX. "It's got everything in one film."

At the time, Matthew Vaughn — the director of First Class — was still scheduled to direct Days of Future Past, so any or all of that may no longer apply. Speaking of Vaughn, back in 2011, he spoke with HitFix about his speculative plans for a First Class sequel. (Keep in mind that First Class took place in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis, 13 months before John F. Kennedy was assassinated.)

"I've got some ideas for the opening for the next film," Vaughn said. "I thought it would be fun to open with the Kennedy Assassination, and we reveal that the magic bullet was controlled by Magneto.  That would explain the physics of it, and we see that he's pissed off because Kennedy took all the credit for saving the world and mutants weren't even mentioned."

Though Vaughn is no longer directing the film, now that we know Days of Future Past is the inspiration of the film, could it be that it's not Robert Kelly's assassination that the X-Men are trying to foil, but rather a much less fictional politician?

It's just speculation for now, but at the rate things are going, we'll likely learn a lot more about Days of Future Past between now and its scheduled July 18, 2014 release date. 
So what are we to make of this information? Fuck if I know. I still abide by the drunken logic that the only way X-men movies can ever be made palpable again is if X3 and Wolverine Origins is completely rebooted and denied like the moon landings for the rest of eternity. Days of Futures Past might be a way to actually accomplish that, but doing so might just make too much sense. The X-men movies are notorious for giving the source material a big middle finger. X2 was the only time they actually managed to get away with it partially, but more often than not Fox and Marvel eventually fuck it up. And I'm going to keep assuming they'll do that with Days of Futures Past until proven otherwise. Nuff said!