Unforgettably Unforgotten: Fantastic Four #1

The following is my review of Fantastic Four #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is the Marvel universe without the Fantastic Four? That's a difficult question that many fans have had to answer since the conclusion of Secret Wars in 2015. Since then, Marvel's First Family has been absent, scattered, or a solemn combination of both. The reasons for their limited status are many and prone to speculation, ranging from bitter disputes over movie rights to simply not having a place in Marvel's ever-evolving landscape. Whatever the reason, there's one inescapable truth. The Marvel universe just isn't whole without the Fantastic Four.

Their absence is a glaring flaw in a world that was built on a foundation that Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben helped forge during the golden age of the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby partnership. While many other Marvel heroes have seen their star rise, the Fantastic Four only ever seem to decline. Regardless of which hot new superhero emerges or who gets an overdue overhaul, it's never a matter of whether the First Family will ascend once more. It's just a matter of time, opportunity, and vision.

With Fantastic Four #1, that moment is here. Dan Slott and Sara Pichelli are poised to reaffirm the Fantastic Four's importance to the Marvel universe. Overall, they succeed in almost every meaningful way. The most important thing they do is demonstrate how much the Richards family is still missed. It's not just Ben and Johnny who miss them, either. Many of their close associates, including Medusa, Crystal, and Luke Cage, all get a chance to say how they feel about a world without the Fantastic Four. They don't need Reed's vast vocabulary to make clear how much that world is lacking.

That sentiment starts as simple longing on Ben and Johnny's part. There's this underlying sense of solemn, but uplifting kind nostalgia. They both handle it very differently, though. Throughout the story, Ben is more resigned to the idea that Reed, Sue, and their kids are gone for good. It still hurts, but he's trying to move forward with his life. He even has a chance to make an important life decision with Alicia. From Ben's perspective, the best way to deal with the lost of his old family is to build a new one.

That's not Johnny's approach, though. In fact, he's downright offended by Ben's methods. Johnny, being the literal and figurative hot-head of the bunch, isn't inclined to move forward. He resists any inclination to just accept that the Fantastic Four are gone for good. He clings to the idea that Reed and Sue will find a way, as they often do. Considering that these two can outwit Galactus, navigate the negative zone, and resist Namor's efforts to undermine their marriage, his faith in them is not entirely misguided.

That doesn't make it any less frustrating for him, though. To some extent, Johnny's anger towards anyone who accepts that Reed, Sue, and their kids are never coming back reflects that of every other Marvel fan who misses them. It goes beyond the comics themselves. The marginalization of the Fantastic Four is hard to miss, even for those who don't follow news about mismanaged movie rights. Given their importance to the history of Marvel and the way the landscape of Marvel has unfolded without them, a little frustration is more than warranted.

It culminates in a powerful moment where Slott captures that feeling perfectly through Johnny. Rather than celebrate the progress Ben makes in his personal life, he lashes out at the stars where he and the First Family got their powers. He says what so many others have thought, felt, and articulated in fan mail. Reed Richards is one of the smartest beings in the Marvel universe. No secret war, incursion, or Disney lawyer can keep him and the Fantastic Four apart. He shouldn't need a reminder, but Johnny gives him one anyways.

He does it in a way that almost makes you want to shout with him. This isn't just another superhero team that can form, dissolve, and join a super-powered civil war within the same week. The Fantastic Four are a family. No matter how many planet eaters there are, family finds one another. That's something that no Avenger, X-men, or Champion can match. In the end, both Johnny and those who share his frustration get a welcome and overdue answer. It's both a sign and a gesture of reassurance. The Richards family is coming home. The Fantastic Four will be whole once more.

That sentiment, built around the affirmation that the First Family is coming together again, is Slott and Pichelli's most important achievement with Fantastic Four #1. This isn't just a team reforming after a dramatic schism. This is a family finding itself after being torn apart by forces that literally ripped apart the multiverse. Regardless of how much or how little you missed the Fantastic Four during their prolonged absence, it's easy to appreciate that longing these characters feel to be whole once more.

Slott and Pichelli evoke the right emotions throughout Fantastic Four #1, but the story isn't without shortcomings. As a whole, it comes off as more of a prelude rather than the first issue of a larger story. Even though Reed and Sue make an appearance, there are times when the story feels more like a movie trailer than the start of a new chapter for the First Family. The inclusion of a flashback sequence didn't seem to contribute much to the plot, either.

That doesn't make the emotional weight of Fantastic Four #1 any less impactful. It still sends the message that Fantastic Four fans have been waiting to hear for years. The First Family of the Marvel universe is coming back and they've been sorely missed. While they probably won't solve every lingering problem with superhero civil wars and pushes for diversity, they'll still be together. For any family, that's the most important part of any challenge.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Growth and Regression: Amazing Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Amazing Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain characters have certain characteristics that make them iconic, lovable, or at the very least acceptable. On the surface, characters like Batman or the Punisher would be diagnosed with serious personality disorders in the real world. But within their respective narratives, they're portrayed in a way that makes them respectable despite whatever disorder they might have. Whereas they would need serious counseling and medication in the real world, they're able to channel their problems into a personal journey. And in some respects, that might be healthier, given the side-effects of certain medications.

The personal journey of Peter Parker isn't nearly as dark or distressing as Batman or the Punisher. It's not all rainbows and ponies either, given how he's lost loved ones and endured trauma that few therapists are equipped to treat. But his journey has always been conveyed in a way that feels more relatable than most characters. He's not an alien from a distant world. He's not an ex-marine or eccentric billionaire. He's a kid from Queens. If he were in a high school yearbook, he'd be voted the most likely to be completely forgotten the day after graduation.

But over the past few years, that reliability has been undermined and this time it's not because he married a supermodel. He's gone from a no-name kid from Queens to an aspiring Tony Stark wannabe. He has his own company. He has a doctorate. The amount of people who can make that claim these days could probably fill Yankee's Stadium and still have enough room left for an open bar and buffet.

Now, in Amazing Spider-Man #1, the journey of Peter Parker goes in a bold new direction. But does this direction remain true to the narrative that makes Peter Parker respectable? The answer isn't a clear yes or no. However, there are clear undertones that attempt to keep this new direction from being too bold. And in some respects, this is a major crack in the foundation of Spider-Man. It hasn't caused the whole building to crumble, but it does give the impression that it bribed the building code inspector.

That's not to say the foundation doesn't support an engaging story. It's a story that involves an oversized car that can climb walls. And if the success of the Fast and the Furious movies has taught us anything, it's that obscenely overpowered cars are awesome. Peter Parker might not Vin Disel, but he does finally put that genius IQ to work for him and he's able to do it without losing any hair. That alone is an accomplishment.

It feels like one of those stories that shouldn't have taken this long to develop. Like a state that only recently revoked laws that banned short skirts, it feels like Peter should've done something like this earlier. A big part of his character is that he's a nerd with an above-average IQ. It's because of that IQ that he was able to make the kind of artificial webbing that DARPA probably spent $10 billion trying to develop. That kind of resourcefulness gives him all the traits he needs to be a successful businessman. Elon Musk is proof enough of that.

But however long it took, Peter never gives the impression that he's all that comfortable with this role. His definitely not Tony Stark in that he carries himself with the kind of Kanye West swagger that would lead him to spend six figures on a toilet seat. He does still come off as the kind of humble everyman that makes Spider-Man so iconic. While this is admirable, it's also the greatest flaw in the narrative.

A good chunk of the story is spent showing how Peter runs his company. He basically tries to run it in the way Bernie Sanders thinks all companies should be run. He doesn't pay himself an obscene salary. He tries to put himself on the same levels as his workers. And he tries to be charitable in a way that the Bill Gates of the world would approve of. But it's the Bruce Waynes and Tony Starks of the world who would sense something amiss.

The readers already know what's amiss and they don't need Bruce Wayne's detective skills to figure it out. Peter Parker, for all his brilliance and humility, doesn't give the impression that he knows what he's doing. In the same way he basically fell into his powers, he fell into this company as well. He didn't create it out of a garage like Steve Jobs. Otto Octavious created it. He just inherited it when the whole mind-swap story finally regressed. And because of this, there's this underlying sentiment that Peter will regress.

This is what makes it hard to get overly excited about the bold new direction of Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man #1. There's this sense that because Peter doesn't know what he's doing, he's going to screw it up somehow and regress back to the guy who lives with his Aunt and works a lousy job for J. Jonah Jameson. He calls it Parker Luck, but it's really a flaw in system that makes it hard to get attached to any of these new developments.

It's played out many times throughout Spider-Man's history. Gets a really nice job that pulls him out of poverty? He screws it up. Gets a really nice girl? He screws that up too. Gets his own company that somebody else created for him? He hasn't screwed that up yet, but there's a distinct sense that he will. The ending already lays the foundation in that a familiar enemy re-emerges who is bound to make screwing up that much easier.

For the moment, Peter Parker is in a new position with a new narrative. There are elements in Amazing Spider-Man #1 that give that narrative plenty of promise. At the same time, it feels more like a gimmick in the same mold of Superior Spider-Man. There's still a sense that at some point, Peter Parker will snap back to being that everyman who hasn't progressed beyond the stage of an indebted college student. And as relatable as that is, there comes a point where someone stuck in that stage isn't all that amazing.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

A Step Back From Amazing: Amazing Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Amazing Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is it that makes Spider-Man amazing? It's a question with many answers and that range of answers is a big reason why Spider-Man has had such vast appeal over many decades. This is a hero who doesn't carry himself as traditional heroes and not just because he got his powers at as a teenager. Peter Parker, as a character, resonates with people in a way characters like Superman, Batman, and Captain America can never hope to do. Few people outside Donald Trump and Peyton Manning know what its like to have superhuman ability or billions of dollars in resources. But Peter Parker, despite having superhuman abilities, is defined by the everyday struggles that so many can relate to. This is what makes him amazing.

However, it's because of those qualities that Amazing Spider-Man #1 has a distinctly unamazing impact. That's not to say it doesn't present Spider-Man in a way that embodies all those qualities that fans have come to know and love. It's the circumstances that have been established as a result of Superior Spider-Man that make these qualities akin to the wrong ingredients in a cake. The premise itself isn't the problem. Peter Parker is back, having regained control over his body from Doctor Octopus. Now he's trying to rebuild his life in a way he's never had to do before. But in doing so, he takes a step back from being amazing and several steps forward to regression.

This gets back to those qualities about Spider-Man that makes him so amazing. He struggles to balance his responsibilities with the real-world problems of his life. But anyone who has ever made it past their teen years intact and only slightly traumatized is still able to make some kind of progress with their lives. They seek higher education, greater training, new jobs, and new opportunities. Sometimes they slip up, but even in those instances most competent people move forward. Well in his first issue back from limbo, Peter Parker gives the impression that he has made little progress as an adult or a hero for that matter. If he were a real person, he would be the kind of guy who habitually crashes on the couches of willing friends and never sees the flaws in his methods.

This is best demonstrated in the battle against a colorful team of thieves that call themselves the Menagerie. They're basically a team of cos-players with fancy gadgets and humanoid hippo for muscle. They're the kind of ridiculously tacky villains that Spider-Man faces all the time. While it was refreshing to see Spider-Man with a sense of humor again, his incompetence was anything but humorous. If anything, it was an ominous sign that Peter Parker is falling back into old habits. This would be tragic and compelling if he were a drug addict. But as a superhero, it's like a grown man trading a motorcycle for a tricycle.

It wasn't that the Menagerie getting the better of him. It's a matter of him going back to his old methods, abandoning the infrastructure and resources that Doctor Octopus acquired as the Superior Spider-Man. He ditched the new suits and all the fancy gadgets and went back to basics. This might be good from a conceptual standpoint for the issue, but from a pragmatic standpoint he might as well be a cop exchanging his gun for a musket. The Menagerie reveal why using just a normal uniform made out of the same threads that make up discount apparel at Wal-Mart is a bad idea. Peter Parker is literally and figuratively exposed in a way that Doctor Octopus never was.

But it isn't just losing his uniform and web-swinging in his underwear that demonstrates his regression. He carries himself around Parker Industries, the company that Doctor Octopus founded under his name, like an unpaid intern pretending to be his boss for a day. He tries to save face around his co-workers and investors. Yet even he admits to himself that he has as much business savvy as kid running a lemonade stand.

It doesn't bode well for him building on the foundation that the Superior Spider-Man laid out for him. In fact, it already shows cracks in the foundation. When Peter had a chance to pick out one of the many costumes Doctor Octopus created, he picked the one that had the least amount of utility in helping him carry out his responsibilities. And he picked it for no other reason than because it felt familiar. He might as well have been wearing his favorite pair of pants long after a hole formed in the back.

This isn't just a matter of classic "Parker luck" as it's often called. It's a matter of not learning from mistakes. The old uniform may look iconic, but even Batman is smart enough to use new gadgets every now and then. And unlike before, Peter has the resources of his own company to help him. He has these options and he doesn't use them. That isn't just incompetent. It's blatantly irresponsible, which makes it hard to root for him even against a team of villains as ridiculous as the Menagerie.

That irresponsibility sets the stage for an uncomfortable confrontation with Anna, the woman Doctor Octopus dated while he was in Peter's body. It also sets the stage for an all too familiar conflict between Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson. A bonus story even sets up the return of a very upset Black Cat who is intent on torturing Spider-Man the same way every villain he's ever encounter has fantasized about. These are all classic themes about Spider-Man that fans have come to expect over the years. And the way they unfold in this issue is not the problem. The problem is that Peter Parker insists on using the same approach he's always used, even though the Menagerie just proved its flaws. Jameson and Black Cat have excuses, but Peter Parker does not. It's an instant where reverting back to classic themes make for a choppy and somewhat predictable narrative.

In its efforts to recapture all those amazing qualities that make Spider-Man who he is, Amazing Spider-Man #1 sends Peter Parker down the road to regression. The humor is back, the classic themes have returned, and the tone is much more upbeat than it was during Superior Spider-Man. But bringing Spider-Man back to basics in the context of the story paints a less-than-amazing picture. Every character not named Peter Parker comes off as compelling while Peter Parker just comes off as a guy who refuses to be the superior Spider-Man that Doctor Octopus told him he could be.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Superior Spider-Man #1 Spoiler - You-Know-Who Might Not Be Dead After All

A while back, I got a little too drunk and posted spoilers for Amazing Spider-Man #700, which had been prematurely leaked in ways that would get most men fired from a porn set. It triggered the biggest comment/flame war on my blog since its inception. I’ve made so blatantly offensive remarks about men, women, animals, politicians, America, Japan, and teenagers yet the outcome of one comic triggers more outrage. Maybe I’m just not an overly offensive drunk or maybe I just need to channel my inner Rob Parker more.

The underThe underlying source of the outrage was pretty understandable. Dan Slott, after supplying a steady stream of awesome on Amazing Spider-Man, apparently pissed it all away when he swapped Peter Parker’s mind with Otto Octavious and apparently killed Peter Parker while in Doc Ock’s body in Amazing Spider-Man #700. That leaves Doc Ock free to enjoy Peter’s youth and shack up with Mary Jane. It’s as epic a win as any villain has ever accomplished in the comics.lying source of the outrage was pretty understandable. Dan Slott, after supplying a steady stream of awesome on Amazing Spider-Man, apparently pissed it all away when he swapped Peter Parker’s mind with Otto Octavious and apparently killed Peter Parker while in Doc Ock’s body in Amazing Spider-Man #700. That leaves Doc Ock free to enjoy Peter’s youth and shack up with Mary Jane. It’s as epic a win as any villain has ever accomplished in the comics.
  While I could list no fewer than 928,209,056,015 ways why that’s fucked up, it may not be as clear cut as us temperamental comic book fans may think. Today, Marvel released Superior Spider-Man #1, a book that promises to tell the story of how Doc Ock turns Spider-Man into a flaming douche-bag while shitting all over Peter Parker’s life. But in a major spoiler leaked by our good friends at Bleeding Cool, it looks like Peter might not be as dead as we think. I’m not high enough right now to articulate it so I’ll let the spoilers speak for themselves.    



 SPOILERS    




 SPOILERS



SPOILERS      




 SPOILERS




SPOILERS





SPOILERS




SPOILERS




SPOILERS



SPOILERS



SPOILERS



SPOILERS



SPOILERS



SPOILERS



  SPOILERS

  

So Peter Parker is now a ghost, a glorified Jimminey Cricket that keeps Doc Ock from fucking up his life too much. He still doesn't get to bone Mary Jane though so I'm not sure how glorified it really is. Never-the-less, it seems to indicate that Peter isn't entirely gone and hasn't been replaced by a token minority either. So he might actually play a role in this series. Is it enough to satisfy angry Spider-Man fans? I doubt it, but I also doubt Marvel gives three eights of a shit so long as they buy the comic. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 Update, Spoilers, and Drunken Advice

Well, I hope everybody had a great Christmas, complete with presents, family, and eggnog mixed with 80 proof whiskey. But like the hangover that often follows when you challenge your uncle to a drinking game while watching "A Christmas Story," Marvel finds ways to make the end of the holidays suck donkey dick just a little bit more.

A while back, I posted detailed spoilers about Amazing Spider-Man #700, which was finally released today despite everyone with an internet connection and poor impulse control having access to the details for nearly two weeks. It was a post that generated a level of outraged and pissed off that I haven't seen since I last went to a Philadelphia Eagles game. I'm not going to give any spoiler warnings this time. I have no sympathy for people who get pissed off after clicking on a link where the word "spoilers" is in the fucking title. Either don't click or relax. Hell, there are pills out there that'll help your lazy ass if you think it's too hard. But relaxing may not be possible here because the events of Amazing Spider-Man have many Spider-Fans both scratching their heads and hitting it with a sledge hammer.

You don't need to know a whole lot about the details of the story. Doctor Octopus switched minds with Peter Parker. Now he's in Peter's body and in Amazing Spider-Man #700, the final confrontation had Peter die in Doc Ock's body, leaving Doc Ock in Peter's body. A more detailed assessment was posted today, courtesy of the fine folks at Newsarama. I can only imagine the staff that wrote this is going to be out with a concussion for the rest of 2012 after banging their head against the wall, but for that reason I respect their work a great deal.

Newsarama: Marvel's Amazing Spider-Man Ends, Revealing Superior Spoilers

There's some crazy bullshit about Peter's memories and experiences flashing before Doc Ock and somehow that is enough to turn him from a homicidal douche-bag into a guy who wants to be a hero just as much as he wants to bang Mary Jane. Because that's such a logical path for a story to follow. After all, don't we turn hardened criminals into upstanding members of society by merely having them experience recordings of great men and women doing the right thing? Oh wait, we don't? Then how the fuck does this shit make a lick of sense?

Above is a completely inaccurate portrayal of going from douche-bag to hero.

I'm not going to be completely cynical, despite whatever drunken inclinations I may have. There are some people that can turn their lives around. It happens all the time. I'm sure that before Michal Vick's cognitive functions were completely undermined by concussions, he did make a solid change in his thought process after losing $100 million and going to jail and becoming the most reviled athlete who doesn't play for the New York Yankees. But that kind of self-reform takes time, commitment, and work even in comics. Characters like Hawkeye and Magneto were able to reform themselves into semi-heroic characters, but that shit took years and a fuck-ton of compelling stories. For Doc Ock, all it took was a quick powerpoint presentation of Peter Parker's memories. And some how that shit is enough?

I don't want to belabor this point, but I bring it up to highlight what I'm sure has pissed a fuckton of fans off. Now Peter Parker isn't just dead in Amazing Spider-Man. He's effectively been reduced to nothing more than a collection of memories and experiences. He's not even a fucking character anymore. He's just a concept for Doc Ock to exploit. I may be a drunk, but even I find that to be a bullshit way to treat a character, fictional or otherwise. Now the hero that preached with great power comes great responsibility is a mind-swaped supervillain parading around as Peter Parker. And we're supposed to find it compelling that the asshole who did so many dick moves in the history of the comics is now just shrugging his shoulders and is content to be the guy he hated more than anyone? I did as many bong hits as I could to wrap my mind around this and all I got was no answers and an insatiable appetite for Doritos.

And as the comments on my first post indicated, there are plenty of fans out there who are pretty pissed about this. There are some screaming at the top of their lungs, "FUCK YOU, MARVEL! I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER COMIC BOOK AGAIN! MAY MEPHISTO SODOMIZE YOU WITH A FLAMING SPIKED DICK FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Granted, that may be a little excessive, but there's a problem with that approach...it's exactly what Marvel wants.

And this brings me to why I'm writing this post after a holiday hangover. Marvel is not stupid. They're a successful business that has been around for decades and makes a fuckton of money with their movies, comics, cartoons, and what not. And like every single publisher since the beginning of writing has noticed, shock and outrage get you attention. And in this society of zombie-like consumerism, attention is all you need to get sales. That's what Marvel is after...sales. And as much as it may sicken some fans, shit like Amazing Spider-Man #700 sells. Some may think, "Yeah, it sells well, but..." But nothing! After that purchase is made and the money has changed hands, Marvel and the business that serves them officially stops giving a shit. You bought their shit. Now you have to eat it. At the end of the day, you're the one with the shitty breath. Not Marvel. They only do what they believe will sell. They're a fucking business. For them to NOT do that would not only be fucking retarded, it would be financially irresponsible to them and their investors.

So with this in mind, I have a message for the many upset Spider-Man fans out there. This may be the most unhealthy advice I could give you without hooking people up with the guy I buy pot from, but don't vent your outrage. Don't yell, scream, and protest Marvel's decisions by writing letters, posting angry remarks on message boards, and harassing writers. That shit only encourages them because it indicates that a lot of people actually give a shit about their product. And they're smart enough to know that the assholes that yell at them probably still bought their shit. If they could respond, they would probably say, "I'm sorry, but I run out of fucks to give every time that purchase becomes final. So shut the fuck up and let me go back to wiping my ass with your money!" It may be counter-intuitive. Fuck, it's probably the most counter-intuitive thing a human being could do. When you feel like someone has kicked you in the balls, you want to kick back. But that doesn't actually solve anything. It only empowers the asshole doing the kicking. So please, if you're really that upset, do NOT respond. Do NOT voice your outrage. And above all, do NOT give Marvel your fucking money. Otherwise, you'll just get shit like this.

A douche-bag criminal gets to bone a hot woman. This is why the world sucks.

I'll make one final point before I lay this issue to rest. Marvel, Disney, DC, and every company like them feed on outrage. There really is no such thing as bad publicity for them. They're not politicians or celebrities. When people hate their guts, it actually helps them. They don't fear outrage. They don't fear fan hatred. The one thing they fear and do everything possible to avoid is apathy. Let me say that word again and bold it for you: APATHY. Do you know what that word means? It means not caring and having no visible emotional response. You may be fuming on the inside, but if you don't indicate to Marvel or anyone that you give a shit then what else are they supposed to conclude? This is the key. This is what cancels books, undoes big events, and gets people fired in publishing. It's apathy. When people are apathetic, Marvel and everyone like them stops doing what they're doing because naturally they say, "Fuck, this isn't working! Let's do something else!" It's like dealing with a child off his meds. They crave attention and the only effective way to stop reinforcing their shitty behavior is to ignore them. Kids go fucking crazy when they're ignored. Marvel and every business like them will do the same.

So to all the Spider-Man fans out there and comic book fans in general, I give to you this final holiday gift. It is the ultimate A-bomb for comics...apathy. This is how you send the message that this shit doesn't work. This is how you bring about change. Not by bitching and moaning about it, but by not responding at all. The response isn't immediate, but in the long run it works. It's a very hard thing to do and that's exactly why it's so effective. We fans have the power. And in the spirit of the now dead Peter Parker, we have the responsibility to use it. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 and UN-Amazing Spoilers

I did it once and I pissed a few people off in the process. So I'm doing it again because I'm a drunk and I stop giving a shit after a certain number of shots! I'm going to spoil another landmark issue of Amazing Spider-Man that has Marvel has been billing as the biggest Spider-Man milestone since Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's last simultaneous fart together. Amazing Spider-Man #700 isn't just billed as this huge milestone for a comic. It's supposed to set the stage for a big relaunch called Superior Spider-Man. I'm not sure how he's supposed to be superior. Early indications seem to imply that he's meaner, tougher, and more of an overall asshole. Shit, if that's superior, then my high school gym teacher was practically a god. But it's still speculation at this point.

For now, we know that Doctor Octopus swapped minds with Peter Parker. So for a while now Doc Ock has been parading around in Peter's body, playing the part of a hero, and boning all his women. It's basically the ultimate "fuck you" from a villain. Peter, now stuck in Doc Ock's body, is trying to fight back by getting his body back before Doc Ock fucks his reputation, ruins his relationships, or gets him one too many STDs. Amazing Spider-Man #700 is supposed to show how it all ends. Well until now, we could only speculate. Then the fine folks at 4chan leaked images online and since I'm such a generous guy, I'm going to share them here on this blog! First off, a clear warning. If you scroll down further, you will see some very spoilerific images!

SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING



 
SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING



 
SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING




SPOILER WARNING



 
SPOILER WARNING


THIS



IS



YOUR



LAST




WARNING



HERE



YOU



GO!

I know the image quality is pretty shitty. It's the best I can do. But if it helps, here are a few more images that break down the final pages.

Hint, that's not Doc Ock that's lying dead in the street...not entirely anyways.

This confirms one rumor, namely about Spider-Man being more of an asshole. It's like giving my old gym teacher super-powers. No good can come of it.

Just some casual boasting to end it all. It's the kind of boasting that is not the mark of a hero or anyone who preaches shit like power and responsibility, but I guess Marvel just thinks that shit isn't cool.

So there you have it. This is the new Superior Spider-Man. I'm not going to go too deep into my opinions while I'm this drunk, but I will make one important note to those hardcore Spider-Man fans that I know will be outraged. This is EXACTLY what Marvel wants. They figured out back during One More Day, Ultimatum, Avengers vs. X-men, Disassembled, and the Clone Saga that no matter how outraged fans get, they still buy their shit. I'm not sure they understand it. I don't think they give three tenths of a shit anyways. But for some reason, outraged fans still buy their shit. Marvel doesn't fear pissing off their fans anymore. They only fear their fans getting apathetic. That's the biggest weapon against comics. Apathy. The day fans become apathetic is the day Marvel knows they made a huge mistake. And because of outrage, this book will sell and they won't care how pissed off the people buying it are. So from one fanboy to many others, we've no one to blame but ourselves for this shit. It's not Marvel. It's us. We're terrible. I'm an adult. I know how to deal with it. And when I can't, I drink. It's a perfect solution! Nuff said.

Amazing Spider-Man #698 Spoiler - Spoiling Your Thanksgiving Appetite

It's been a long time since I ever talked about a Spider-Man comic and for good reason. After One More Day, I basically shrugged my shoulders, threw up a little, got drunk, and moved onto other comics that didn't involve characters making deals with the devil or retconning 20 years worth of comics. And while I rarely pass up an opportunity to knock Peter Parker for his bullshit, I do keep up with Amazing Spider-Man from time to time. Even I'm not drunk enough to deny that Spider-Island was awesome. But with Amazing Spider-Man closing in on it's big #700 and poised for a relaunch under the very douchy sounding Superior Spider-Man logo, Marvel knows they have to do something big. Well like butt-ugly oil tycoon at a gold diggers convention, Dan Slott stood up and said "I could hit that!"


Dan Slott has already publically stated that he will probably have to go into hiding after Amazing Spider-Man #698. And earlier today, we found out why because scans of the issue were leaked online. Now I'm of the opinion that if you don't want spoilers, you shouldn't be browsing the internet in the first place. Aside from internet porn, we use the web to spoil ourselves rotten in ways that our ancestors could only dream of! As such, I've decided to get in on the act. This is a pretty big freakin' deal for anyone who has ever had a slight interest in Spider-Man. So here's one last warning. If you don't want to be spoiled, do NOT scroll down.      

THIS




IS



YOUR




LAST



CHANCE




TO




NOT      




BE        




SPOILED        



STILL        



WANT        




MORE?        



HERE      




YOU        




GO!    

  Given that Marvel already did an elaborate gimmick about the death of Peter Parker, I'm not exactly banging my head against a brick wall. I do enough of that shit whenever Hope Summers is featured in a comic. But for die-hard Spider-Man fans, please be gentle on yourselves. You're only emboldening Marvel when they get such a crazy reaction. Then again, if it's crazy enough maybe they'll think twice about where they go with this. Who knows? But that's my spoiler for the day. Hope you enjoyed it! I try not to do it too often, but this was one instance where I just couldn't resist! Nuff said!