Minimized Melodrama: Uncanny Avengers #5

The following is my review of Uncanny Avengers #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Anyone who has ever had a lousy holiday understands that the promise of a gift is sometimes better than the gift itself. There are those who take this promise and exploit it in the worst possible way. These are the parents who will give their kid what looks like a brand new X-Box One, but when they open it they find out it’s just a sweater wrapped around a brick. It takes a truly devious soul to do something like this to a kid. I won’t say that the story in Uncanny Avengers #5 is nearly as devious, but it’s built on a foundation of disappointment.

That’s not to say that the post-AXIS narrative for Uncanny Avengers has been bad. In many ways, the story flowed smoothly from the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS by following up on the major revelation that Magneto was not the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Ignoring the outcry and conspiracy theorists who claim this is a result of Marvel and Fox’s flame war, it’s a story that’s worth exploring. On a very basic level, it does successfully follow the Maximoff twins in their pursuit of the truth. Beyond that, however, there’s little success and a lot more disappointment.

Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch just learned something traumatic and profound about themselves. They went out of their way to find out the truth from the High Evolutionary, getting caught up in a full-fledged race war on Counter-Earth in the process. But from a substantive standpoint, it has all the makings of a less humorous version of the third Hangover movie.

The revelations have been bland. The action has been muted. The personal journeys of the characters have been stagnant at best. But Uncanny Avengers #5 still tries to bring all these forces together to realize what’s left of that potential. It gets some parts right, but not enough to make it feel as warranted as the third Hangover movie. At the very least, it completes the story and establishes an important turning point for the Maximoff twins. But anyone looking for bonuses is setting themselves up for disappointment.

The biggest flaw in this arc has nothing to do with the concept and everything to do with the structure. In the aftermath of Avengers and X-men: AXIS, the lineup for Uncanny Avengers changed. Newcomers like Vision and Dr. Voodoo joined the team, along with the new Captain America in Sam Wilson. That means none of the team dynamics established in the previous iteration of Uncanny Avengers carried over. That may work for a new Power Rangers series, but it doesn’t work here, especially when this series directly follows the events of AXIS.

Without those dynamics, there’s next to no team chemistry. The only conflict that has any dramatic weight is the Maximoff twins’ search for their true origins. Everything else becomes an unnecessary side-plot that adds little substance to this story. And without any of that team chemistry, those stories feel more like the filling of a cheeseburger than a meaningful contribution the plot. There’s little sense of tension or mystery. The end result is too predictable and nobody aside from the Maximoff twins say anything memorable. Even a bad Bruce Willis movie has a few decent one-liners. This had next to none.

The intricate details of this story were lacking. However, the bigger picture of this story remained intact to the point where the story still had some sense of resolution. This wasn’t about the Vision finding a new robot woman to fall in love with or Rogue struggling with having Wonder Man stuck in her mind or Captain America being turned into a Groot rip-off. This was about the Maximoff twins fighting the High Evolutionary in their search for the truth. In that fight, there was some meaningful action.

The High Evolutionary was probably the most well-developed character in this whole arc in that he provided insight into why he does what he does. His efforts to create the perfect creature led him to adopt a very callous, but understandable view towards what he considered failures. The Maximoff twins, being part of those failures, have to battle a man who casts them aside the way most people cast aside a burnt hot pocket.

It leads to a defining moment for Quicksilver where he establishes his value directly by beating the snot out of the High Evolutionary. It’s probably the most satisfying moment that Quicksilver has ever been a part of that didn’t involve humiliating the X-men. What makes it satisfying is the insight into how he sees himself in the context of these recent revelations. He can no longer blame Magneto for his problems. He has to confront them directly and he does that in a very literal sense with the High Evolutionary. It’s almost like therapy, but cheaper and less prone to a lawsuit.

This defining moment for Quicksilver helps give Uncanny Avengers #5 a sense of accomplishment. But beyond him and some dramatic lamenting by the Scarlet Witch, there’s little else worthy of note. In the same way the first season of Heroes gave the show value in light of terrible follow-up seasons, this issue gives some value to the overall story in this series.

As a whole, Uncanny Avengers #5 gives the overall arc the bare minimum it needs to feel complete. If it were a term paper in college, it would get a C-minus at best. It addresses the primary issues, but offers little else. Anyone looking for added value should stick to the dollar menu at the McDonald’s. Anyone looking for additional development into the struggles of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch will get exactly what they pay for.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #5

There comes a point in a shitty movie where it’s clear that it’s not going to turn into the Godfather anytime soon. But you still sit until the end, if only as a lesson against getting movie recommendations from a stripper fresh off two lines of blow. Like a finding out the hot chick in a porno is actually a transvestite, you still keep at it to finish the job because who wants to leave something like that incomplete? It’s hard to imagine that Uncanny Avengers: The Quest to Justify Another Bullshit Retcon will be anywhere near as satisfying. But I’m still determined to see it through, even if the chances of it being awesome at this point are on par with the chances that Megan Fox will respond to my dick pic.

Now I’m not going to say that the story Rick Remender has been trying to tell with the High Evolutionary, Counter-Earth, and the Maximoff twins has been completely without merit. It does set out to answer an important question: who are the real parents of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch? The problem is this story goes about answering that question the same way most kids go about cleaning their room. They eventually do get around to it, but the results are messy and unsatisfying. The High Evolutionary didn’t offer the twins any soul-crushing, heart-wrenching revelations. Hell, he’s dealt this conflict the same way most people deal with a pizza that gets delivered late. It certainly hasn’t helped that all the side-plots have been dull and disconnected as fuck. But Uncanny Avengers #5 finally starts to bring them together. However, like condoms at the Duggars home, it’s a little late to have much effect.

It still tries to establish a foundation for those effects. Before we all figure out how the Uncanny Avengers deal with the High Evolutionary’s douche-baggery, we get a quick flashback to an era before bullshit retcons where goofy costumes weren’t restricted to gay pride parades. It recapped the fateful moment when Magneto confronted the Maximoff twins and claimed he was their father, thereby birthing a generation of lawyers for Fox and Marvel/Disney. It feels like another harsh reminder of how this moment was essentially shit all over by a retcon, but it actually helps re-establish the Maximoff family dynamic that has been central to this story. It still reeks of legal wrangling between Disney and Fox, but I get the sense those two would sue each other over pizza toppings at this point.

There’s a much less successful effort at establishing dramatic effects with Vision. As much as I enjoy hearing Paul Beatty’s voice in the words, the whole sub-plot with Vision and his hot new robot wife falls flat. She talks about leaving Earth behind and raising their robot children on some perfect utopian world where there’s no conflict, poverty, or shitty reality TV shows. As appealing as that sounds, she comes off as sort of the antithesis to Morpheus in the Matrix. She doesn’t want to guide Vision into a better world. She just wants him to say “fuck it!”

Now nobody at all would blame Vision for taking a hot robot woman up on such an offer, but there’s really no indication that he even considers it. There’s no passionate argument. It’s as flat as a debate on a physics message board. Like the rest of the sub-plots in this story, it feels forced. It’s basically a distraction with a predictable ending. And for a sub-plot that involved a hot robot woman, that’s downright tragic.

Finally, the sub-plots fade and we get to the shit that blows up. Most of the Uncanny Avengers have finally caught up with one another, albeit in a very sloppy and uncoordinated manner. It’s like a bunch of kids with ADD coordinating on a group project. It’s chaotic, but it does produce some nice visuals that Daniel Acuna brings to life.

It appears epic, but it still falls flat in a way that’s not entirely avoidable. This story dragged so much with slow sub-plots that it’s hard to get too excited about this battle. While it does have some visceral moments, it lacks drama for the most part. The Uncanny Avengers are just fighting the High Evolutionary’s forces in a way that’s not going to inspire the General Patton’s of the world. But it does finally establish a major confrontation, even if it took way too fucking long to get to.

The scale of the battle is quickly lost when the focus shifts to the Scarlet Witch. It’s not necessarily bad at first. We get to see the Scarlet Witch play the part of a merciful savior to a few innocent creatures, something she can never have too much of in the post-M-Day era. But she prioritizes beating the shit out of the High Evolutionary, if for no other reason than because he was a real dick about revealing their true history.

Now this is a problem. The High Evolutionary isn’t her father and he didn’t fudge the facts with her in the slightest. He flat out told the Scarlet Witch what happened to her and her brother. He needed test subjects. They fit the bill. That was all there was too it. It’s still a dick move, but again it really limits the impact here. Is she really going to be that pissed that Magneto isn’t her father? It’s just not really that clear she has a reason to go Wolverine-style berserker on his ass.

This still doesn’t stop her from taking her frustrations out on him and saving Rogue in the process. That’s another sub-plot that didn’t offer much drama. Rogue is pissed about the High Evolutionary purging Simon from her mind, but it really doesn’t add to the struggle here. Like the henchmen of James Bond villains, she’s basically a background character here. For anyone who came to enjoy Rogue’s sassy, sexy persona in the 90s cartoon, it’s just pain insulting. Seriously, how does an inverted Sabretooth have more lines than her in this issue?

While most of the sub-plots in this arc have contributed jack shit to the main plot with the High Evolutionary, one finally does something important. Hell, even the Oakland Raiders are capable of making a good draft pick every now and then. This one comes from Dr. Voodoo of all people. He managed to get in touch with the spirits of all those creatures that the High Evolutionary killed. Surprisingly, they didn’t like being cast aside like used toilet paper so they decide to fuck up the High Evolutionary’s shit. It didn’t necessarily happen in the most cohesive manner, but fuck if it isn’t satisfying on some levels.

This forces Luminous, the recently revealed half-sister to the Maximoff twins, to step up and pick up the slack. She’s a cunt, but not on Joffrey Baratheon’s level. She just tries to finish off the Scarlet Witch so that she can’t aid Dr. Voodoo. That and I’m pretty sure that beating up her siblings gets her sexually aroused. That’s all that has really been revealed about her to date. So she doesn’t even have Joffrey’s charisma going for her.

That makes it a relief of sorts when Vision shows up to take her down in the least surprising, least flashy twist since Bernie Sanders’ last campaign speech. Despite Vision’s history with the Scarlet Witch, there’s a distinct lack of drama in this moment. He just saves her, leaving behind a hot robot woman off-panel. It succeeds in neutralizing Luminous, but it doesn’t do much more beyond that other than give them a front row seat to watching the High Evolutionary get tormented by pissed off souls. I admit I’d pay to see a show like that. If the Paranormal Activity movies can turn a profit, why the hell couldn’t a show like this work?

But even the spirits of the damned can’t stop the High Evolutionary. He still shrugs them off the same way Taylor Swift shrugs off an Apple user agreement. He no longer has the same charisma and vision that he had earlier in the arc. He’s just an asshole making excuses now. He’s basically a smaller, less menacing, and gayer-looking version of Megatron from Transformers. He’s still powerful, but in the least interesting way possible. A villain can only look so menacing when his color scheme matches one of Elton John’s old outfits.

So if the spirits of the dead creatures he killed can’t stop him, who can? How about Quicksilver? No, that’s not a rhetorical question that Joss Whedon probably asked during a bar bet. That’s actually the guy who steps up to finish the shit once and for all. Given how few shits anyone gave about him getting killed in Age of Ultron, it sounds out of place. However, it somehow works here.

I’m as serious as anyone who puts whiskey in his coffee can be. Quicksilver manages to emerge from utter obscurity in the battle to take on the High Evolutionary before he can escape with Sabretooth and Rogue, who I’m guessing he wants to dissect or breed, not necessarily in that order. But as he’s going after him, there’s this insightful inner monologue that gives insight into the mind of someone who has only ever looked for more reasons to be an asshole.

It’s probably the most defining moment of the arc aside from the High Evolutionary’s revelations. He muses over how he’s always used his ties to Magneto as an excuse to be an asshole. Now he doesn’t have that excuse anymore. He actually has to own his douche-baggery and either live with it or hope Bravo gives him his own reality show. And he does all this while kicking the High Evolutionary’s ass. If he had done this in Age of Ultron, I might actually have been able to overlook his goofy accent. At the very least, he made sure the High Evolutionary doesn’t get out of this battle without looking fucked up.

While he’s able to rough the High Evolutionary up pretty damn good, he doesn’t get a chance to finish him off. Rather than stick around and tease the Maximoff twins about how they were just one of his many failures, he opts to ditch them and Counter-Earth. Luminous follows him as well because I guess he needs stay creepy by having an insanely super-evolved bitch at his side. He drops a few ominous warnings, but they’re no different than anything Dr. Claw has said on Inspector Gadget. It makes for a very rushed and unceremonious ending because he still had a whole fucking planet with which to fight the Uncanny Avengers. He just seemed to get bored and throw it away.

The aftermath of the battle is also pretty rushed. There’s no picking up the pieces of Counter-Earth or helping out the Low Evolutionary. They just skip right back to the part where they return to the Avengers Mansion and basically try to undo all the shit the High Evolutionary did to them in the most convenient way possible. That means Captain America will ditch his Groot-like appearance and Sabretooth will go back to looking like a deranged lumberjack on crystal meth. There’s still some nice insight from Vision regarding the hot robot woman he left, but that’s another element that basically gets ditched. So we didn’t even get a sexy new robot character out of this story. It would’ve made a nice bonus/consolation prize, but I guess society isn’t ready for sexy robot characters. If we can’t even get a fucking Wonder Woman movie until 2017, what hope do sexy robots have?

There’s still some effort to deal with what happened to Simon in this arc. It leads to another moment between Vision and the Scarlet Witch that falls somewhat flat within the context of their history. The Scarlet Witch is still upset that she can’t save Simon, which is understandable since she recently boned him in the previous Uncanny Avengers series. But it just leads to the kind of reassuring, friend-zone moment that seemed to happen in every other episode of Saved by the Bell. It was nice in that it showed there’s still a connection between these two characters, but not much beyond that.

Overall, Uncanny Avengers #5 offers something akin to light beer. It’s watered down. The taste isn’t going to soak anyone’s panties. But drink enough of them and it’ll get the job done. This story had the right ingredients. It just never mixed them together in a cohesive way. This issue finally brought the team back together to battle the High Evolutionary. And while the battle had its moment, it still lacked impact. It didn’t leave everything on the field and glossed over too much to feel really satisfying. That said, it didn’t just piss everything away. Something did come of it in terms of character development, but in a very limited manner.

Don’t get the wrong idea. This arc is not going to make everybody love Quicksilver. He still comes off as a raging douche whose entire life has been fueled by shitty excuses. He couldn’t be less likable without being one of the spoiled Hilton kids. But at the very least, he has a moment of clarity in this story that makes it feel like something came of this. But beyond that, there’s not much else to get anyone’s heart racing. The High Evolutionary is still an asshole who is on the loose. The Maximoff twins now have no family ties to Magneto. There’s not much else that can be said other than their accents in Age of Ultron still sucked. I give Uncanny Avengers #5 a 5 out of 10. In the same way light beer can only be so refreshing, this issue can only feel so complete. But on a hot summer day and in an era where it’s easy to gloss over certain details, it gets the job done. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #4

There comes a point where trying to do something too much has the opposite effect. While this may not work for endeavors like masturbation, it can happen in an ambitious comic book arc. There's no question that Marvel was going to make a lot of buttholes clench when they revealed that the Maximoff twins weren't fathered from Magneto's nutsack. It is a bullshit retcon and I think they understand that on some levels. But they also understand that we're okay with bullshit retcons if the stories that follow are awesome. The success of the Winter Soldier is proof of that.

The same really can't be said with the post-AXIS narrative in Uncanny Avengers. It did the right thing by focusing on Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch looking for answers on their true origins. However, that's one of the few things this story has done right. It's tried to tell other stories about the High Evolutionary, Vision, Dr. Voodoo, and Sabretooth. These stories have been more forgettable than a Paul Blart movie. It's not that the ideas are bad. It's just that there are so many fucking stories unfolding at once and I can only stand to stay sober for so many of them. Uncanny Avengers #4 makes an effort to try and bring them together. It succeeds only in part.

However, it succeeds in the most critical part in that it answers the burning question that triggered this whole story. Who are the true parents of the Maximoff twins? Well, the answer is as underwhelming as it blunt as it is underwhelming. The High Evolutionary, who captured the twins in the last issue, tells them what they came to discover. He doesn't make them beg for it. He doesn't tease them with riddles or whatever shit the Batman villains are doing these days. He just tells them with the same crass demeanor that I would use when I tell the barista at Starbucks that they got my order wrong.

It's nothing out of a Tolken novel or anything. It turns out that the High Evolutionary just abducted the Maximoff twins as infants, as a baby-napping asshole is prone to do. Then he did some experiments that gave them powers. It wasn't enough. So in his disappointment, he returned them to their parents, which he implies are the Maximoffs. That's it. That's their secret origins. They're not mutants or Inhumans. They're just the High Evolutionary's failed experiments. It's as bland as it sounds. It still has an impact on the twins, but it's hardly satisfying in that it still doesn't make the retcon any less shitty. It really couldn't, given the vast history between the twins and Magneto. It's still not an excuse. And if excuses can't get you out of a traffic ticket, it doesn't warrant a retcon.

This revelation is the most concise part of the story at this point. And because it's so bland, it's easy to skip the part where the twins whine about it. There's still a shit storm going on. The High Evolutionary sent one of his perverse experiments that wasn't a disappointment to deal with it. Her name is Luminous and she looks like she got locked in a tanning booth. That still doesn't stop her from kicking an unholy amount of ass.

She was the one that subdued the Maximoff twins. She's also tasked with subduing the attack by the Low Evolutionary, who tried to help the twins. Their reward for being so helpful is getting their asses handed to them by someone who has the power of a mentally stable Scarlet Witch. She also has the benefit of not having an annoying, whiny brother to distract her. So in that sense, I can see why the High Evolutionary likes her more than Wanda. She's still a raging sociopath, but she still comes off as less likely to go crazy and commit mass genocide with a sentence fragment.

That's not to say the battle is completely unbalanced. Sabretooth finally does something that doesn't involve being the Uncanny Avenger's glorified pet. Like the Maximoff twins, he was manipulated by the High Evolutionary as well. He finally got sick of that shit and decided to fight back. He's able to cop a feel on Luminous and rough up the High Evolutionary's forces in ways that would make Wolverine at least somewhat proud. He'd still probably want to punch Sabretooth in the balls, but an inverted Sabretooth would probably forgive him.

It's still somewhat generic, but it helps that we get a little insight into the inverted Sabretooth's mind. He reveals that on some levels, he's still the same brutal psychopath that he's always been. However, he's now able to channel that brutality into something more productive, just like Wolverine. It's not the most in depth insight into an inverted villain's mind we've seen, but it adds a little something extra to a story that really fucking needs it.

We really don't get that kind of insight from anywhere else. Dr. Voodoo is still trying to contribute in a way I'm too stoned to make sense of. Like many of the other characters, he got separated when the Uncanny Avengers traveled to Counter-Earth. And at this point, it's hard to give more than half a shit about his story when he's doing so little.

It was almost as hard to give a shit about Rogue, who has been strapped to a gurney by some guy who looks like a walking cure for constipation. But finally, we get some measure of convergence because the Maximoff twins join her. They didn't spend any more time yelling at the High Evolutionary or demanding to know more about what he did to them. They just get thrown into the shitty trap where the creepy old guy can torment them too. Again, it's as bland as it sounds. Am I really that stoned or is there a pattern here?

For that reason, it's just as unsurprising when the Maximoff twins decide they've had enough of this creepy old guy and break free. There's really no struggle or cunning to it. They just use their powers in the least spectacular way possible and somehow the old guy still acts appalled. It's poorly detailed and hard to follow. All anyone needs to know is that the twins escape and they manage to free Rogue in the process. She's been stuck in a room with this guy for nearly the entire arc. She's a whole new level of pissed at this point.

Her escape and her taking her frustrations out on this guy still isn't as satisfying as it sounds. She yells at him for silencing Wonder Man, who is still trapped inside her and not because of a bizarre sex accident either. Then Quicksilver knocks him out, telling Rogue he's not worth maiming at this point. He may be right on some levels, but this guy has been about as memorable as an Inspector Gadget villain so it might have helped to see Rogue rough his ass up a bit. Instead, she just lets him go. That's right. She let another creepy old guy live and didn't even debate it. And this is a guy who may have murdered Wonder Man. Yet Rogue just yells for a moment and shakes it off? I've seen waitresses at restaurants make a bigger deal out of a shitty tip.

There are still other characters in the Uncanny Avengers who have yet to do jack shit since arriving on Counter-Earth. Dr. Voodoo is one, but the Vision is the other. Even though Wanda Maximoff is a big part of this story, he still hasn't been doing shit. Instead, he's spent his time hanging out with a hot new robot chick named Eve that apparently loves him and wants to have robot babies with him. I guess in that respect, I can't blame Vision for opting to spend time with her. She's probably less inclined to go crazy and commit mass genocide as well. Vision's standards really aren't that high at this point.

Not much really comes of this, but it does give Vision a chance to finally decide whether he'll give a shit. Eve basically gives him the same ultimatum that every woman gives the main male character in shitty romantic comedies. Either come with her and be happy or stay and be miserable. This is usually the point in the movie where a shitty Green Day song starts playing, which makes Vision's decision painfully clear. Sure, it might be better in the long run to stay with a hot robot woman capable of creating a superior life with him, but he's still loyal to his friends. He's admirable in that sense, but it's still a moment that lacks any sense of emotional weight.

The most emotionally satisfying part of the story we get at this point comes from Luminous kicking ass. She may look like a football that Tom Brady tried too hard to under-inflate, but she knows how to torment her enemies. She finally manages to turn the tide on Sabretooth. She doesn't opt to just snap his neck either, which really wouldn't amount to much in terms of impact. Remember, this is a guy who got fucking decapitated and still survived. So she opts for something better and decides to use her powers to age him to Old Man Logan type status. It's creative, I'll give her that. But it's still Sabretooth. Even when he's inverted, it's hard to know who to root for so I usually root for the character with the nicer rack.

The High Evolutionary stops Luminous just before she could make Sabretooth dependent on depenz and boner pills for the rest of his life. He's still a guy who hates to throw away perfectly good genetic material. He's a psychopath, but he's not a wasteful psychopath.

Being environmentally friendly still doesn't earn him any points with Rogue or the Maximoff twins. They finally show up to join the battle. They're finally starting to meet up with the rest of the team against the chief architect of this douche-baggery. I admit it is at least somewhat satisfying to see more of the Uncanny Avengers converge around the High Evolutionary. It's still hard to get very excited at this point without the aid of really good blow. But if it means Rogue and the Scarlet Witch have a chance to be BFFs again and kick someone's ass, I'm willing to get on board with that.

The High Evolutionary still has to flex his douche-baggery. He still has an entire fucking planet full of his creations to fight for him. This even includes an army of Groot ripoffs that rise up from the ground and surround the team. However, this isn't as daunting as it seems. One of them happens to be Captain America, who has also been doing jack shit since he showed up on Counter-Earth. Somehow and in ways that were not at all detailed, he managed to break control of these Groot rip-offs and join his friends. So the Uncanny Avengers are getting close to full strength again. It's just been so slow and bland at this point that I couldn't get worked up about it even if I were sober.

It took it's sweet fucking time, but this story is finally starting to come together in a meaningful way. Granted, it's past that point in a porno where there's a viable boner to work with and the convergence is still sloppier than drunk monkey in a shit-throwing contest, but it's still partially coherent. We have an explanation about the Maximoff Twins finally. It's still more bland than Dick Cheny's facial expression, but it does fulfill a key purpose for the story. We now know the true origin of the Maximoff Twins, at least until the next bullshit retcon. That's really the only thing this issue accomplished, but at least it accomplished the most important part of the story.

Besides that, this is a story that leaves a metric fuckton to be desired. The struggle between the Low Evolutionary and the High Evolutionary wasn't all that epic. The struggles with Sabretooth were a little more enjoyable, but still fairly bland. The biggest problem with this issue is that despite what it accomplished, the story has been so choppy and dragged so much that there's little emotional weight to it at this point. There's no emotional hit for the Maximoff Twins or anyone for that matter. It's valid, but it's unsatisfying. Like me getting a rejection letter from Harvard Law School, it offers no surprise. This isn't a bad issue in terms of the big picture, but it is very forgettable. I give Uncanny Avengers #4 a 5 out of 10. It's not going to make anyone's head's explode. It's not going to give Lewis Black another aneurism. It's just going to answer a question that most have stopped giving a shit about. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #3

Every now and then, I go to a movie that I don’t understand or Google just to see if I can keep up. I guess I like to keep my fucked up tastes refined to some extent. Sometimes I find something really awesome. That’s how I saw the Matrix for the first time. That and a buddy of mine watched it stoned and swore it was the best thing ever, but that’s another story. But more often than not, I get halfway through the movie and wondering out loud, “Where the fuck is this going and why the fuck didn’t I sneak more beer in here?” Sometimes that gets me thrown out, but other times that makes a few new friends. That’s sort of how I feel about Uncanny Avengers right now.

This new series that spun out of the events of AXIS has been more chaotic than a field trip of pre-schoolers to a candy factory. It had a simple premise. The Maximoff twins wanted to hunt down the High Evolutionary to learn about who their real father was. It didn’t take too long for someone get drunk and drive completely off-road because it’s been tumbling and stumbling like a drunk who just stole a motorcycle. It’s still somewhat coherent, but it’s not very concise. I want to give it a chance to do something meaningful, but it’s getting to the point where even a lazy traffic cop would pull it over. I’m still going to give Uncanny Avengers #3 a fair shot, but I’m keeping my fucking seat belt on.

I probably should’ve worn looser pants as well because this issue involves what I can only describe as robot sex. And no, I’m not talking about the kind that involves the Terminator porn parody. Like everyone else in the Uncanny Avengers, Vision got separated from the team. But luckily for him, he ended up with a hot sexy robot version of himself. I guess it was love at first interface because they start hooking up in ways that I’m sure other robots would jerk off to if they had the right equipment. Vision describes it using romantic language that would give lonely housewives a pussy boner. I’m not sure if Marvel is trying to cash in on the 50 Shades of Grey crowd, but it’s a bit late to the party.

That’s not to say there’s more to this than inducing pussy boners. Vision has apparently completely forgotten about the team’s mission and the former lover he came to Counter-Earth to save. Now he’s busy making cute robot babies for the High Evolutionary. Never one to pass up a new potential life form, the High Evolutionary shrugs off the fact that Vision kept this from him and is probably in the process of screwing him over. But he got some robot poon out of it so he wins either way. It’s really not clear what this scene is intended to do other than appeal to those with a robot fetish. I won’t say it succeeds, but I can’t say it fails either.

The unanswered questions with Vision continue with more unanswered questions regarding Rogue. She’s still being kept prisoner by some creep old guy obsessed with her powers. He apparently thinks that her powers and sexy southern accent will help create the ultimate soldier. I’m not sure I get that logic unless all life has an inherent weakness for sexy southern accents and last I checked, the South lost the Civil War so I’m not buying it. All this creepy old guy does is keep Rogue from doing anything meaningful.

Between Vision shrugging off his old team in favor of a hot robot woman and Rogue being rendered useless by some creepy guy who looks like a vulture fucked a priest, there really isn’t much to go on here. The unanswered questions only help continue the overly choppy narrative that has plagued this series from the beginning. I get that the team got split up, but how the fuck is this supposed to move the story forward? If someone with ADHD read this, they would probably worry about upping their meds.

That’s not to say there isn’t a meaningful story to tell here. It’s just that pretty much every character in the Uncanny Avengers doesn’t do jack shit to advance it. The only ones who do help move it forward are Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Since they’re the ones that triggered this shit storm by going to Counter-Earth in the first place, that’s both understandable and appropriate. And they do actually uncover something meaningful.

After the High Evolutionary flexed his genocidal rage-boner, the Maximoff twins track down some of the creations that managed to escape his wrath. With help from a new ally who goes by the Low Evolutionary, he leads them to a refugee area where the High Evolutionary’s failures live like homeless crack addicts in downtown Detroit. It’s a sad sight, but one the Maximoff twins are familiar with so it strikes the right emotional chord. It gives them even more incentive to beat the answers about their parents out of the High Evolutionary, amongst other things.

As for the Low Evolutionary himself, he’s somewhat intriguing. However, he’s still poorly developed. He’s basically the High Evolutionary’s son who decided not to be the same dick-cheese as his father. He’s basically Eminem, minus the music. He doesn’t have his father’s charisma, brilliance, or respect. But he does have an incentive to help Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch so that makes him relevant. It just doesn’t make him much more than that. He wants to attack his father and channel his inner Luke Skywalker. Bug given what the High Evolutionary has shown thus far, he’ll probably lose more than a hand.

The Low Evolutionary still ends up contributing way more than the Uncanny Avengers, which is pretty fucking pathetic. Even so, it puts Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch on the right track. They just have to help the Low Evolutionary piss off his father, which isn’t as hard as it sounds. They’re tasked with taking out the High Evolutionary’s new tracking mechanism that’s being used to hunt them down. They’ve been pissing off authority figures for most of their existence. This should come naturally do them.

As they go about this mission, there is some discussion about Magneto and their family history. It’s still very light and very under-developed. The emotions surrounding this huge revelation about who they are and where they came from are basically shrugged off. They shrug it off the same way Snooki shrugs off an anal wart. I get that there’s an ongoing conflict involving the High Evolutionary and a bunch of innocent beings he’s trying to slaughter, but glossing over this part of the story is like glossing over Pamela Anderson’s tits in a photo shoot.

Callousness aside, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch do eventually find what they’re looking for. That tracking mechanism the Low Evolutionary mentioned is actually pretty familiar. It’s Sabretooth, who the High Evolutionary decided to mind-fuck into working for him. The saddest part is this is probably the most anyone in the Uncanny Avengers actually contributes to the story. That’s not saying much because Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch make quick work of him. He’s Sabretooth. He’s been getting his ass kicked by X-men and others like the X-men since the Reagan Administration. It still hasn’t gotten old though so I won’t deny I enjoyed it.

However, the next challenge they face is a lot trickier than pwning Wolverine’s old scratching post. Her name is Luminous and she was revealed in the last issue to be Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s long lost sibling. She’s got Quicksilver’s hair, the Scarlet Witch’s rack, and the High Evolutionary’s douche-bag attitude. Overall, that’s makes her a pretty daunting threat and she proves it.

She ends up being the most entertaining part of this issue with how she takes down Quicksilver and looks downright bored while doing it. He’s fast, but she’s able to counter him with some speed of her own. She barely even moves from where she’s standing. She just lets Quicksilver make an ass of himself and lets her fist do the rest. As much as I enjoy watching Sabretooth get his ass kicked, I admit I enjoy seeing Quicksilver get his ass kicked almost as much.

The battle against the Scarlet Witch is much more volatile. There’s a lot of firepower involved, but it’s the kind that stoners everywhere will appreciate. Luminous demonstrates that like the Scarlet Witch, she can wield chaos magic as well. But unlike the Scarlet Witch, she can actually control it in a way that won’t lead to mass genocide or inversions. I’m almost conflicted on who to root for because the Scarlet Witch has done a lot of bad shit over the past decade and somehow nobody really blames her for it. She’s not Quicksilver or Sabretooth, but I admit she’s due an ass-kicking and that’s what Luminous gives her.

The action here is fairly solid and I haven’t been able to say that very much about this series since it began. It’s been so choppy and disorganized that there hasn’t been many enjoyable battles that aren’t horribly one-sided and/or involve the High Evolutionary committing mass genocide. It still feels disorganized in that only the Maximoff twins get to do anything relevant. That doesn’t make the battle against Luminous any less solid. It’s probably the most enjoyable battle this series has offered to date, which isn’t saying much.

After the Maximoff twins are defeated, Luminous casually traps Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch so she can take them to the High Evolutionary. She even hints that he’s their real father. She also hints that the truth will destroy them. But then again, that could be subject to retcons as well. The only thing to take away from this moment is that Luminous is really badass and she’s got an awesome rack. She would’ve made an excellent bond girl in Goldfinger. Given how little effort she needed to take down the Maximoff twins, I don’t think James Bond’s dick would stand a chance.

And while Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are enjoying this family reunion with their sister, they fail to notice that Sabretooth recovered enough to do his job. He was then able to track down the Low Evolutionary’s headquarters like a good, obedient pet that only occasionally makes a mess on the carpet. So now the High Evolutionary has neutralized the Maximoff twins and he knows where to find what’s left of his failed experiments. By all accounts, he’s doing pretty damn good. He sends out his hit team to finish the job so he can prepare to make the Maximoff twins more miserable than they already are. Even if every other character has it rough in this series, it’s safe to say the High Evolutionary is really enjoying himself.

This series was already playing with a bad hand before it even began. The whole concept of retconning Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s lineage already kicked a shit storm whose stench this series could not escape. That alone made it hard to enjoy. But it sure as shit doesn’t help when the narrative remains disorganized and choppy. There are more than one sub-plots unfolding and only one of them gets any meaningful development. Granted, that development leads to a pretty meaningful battle that offers some tantalizing hints at what the Maximoff Twins are up against. But that’s really all it offers.

I guess the best thing this issue can offer is it didn’t make any of its lingering flaws any worse. Sure, that’s like saying someone didn’t shoot themselves more times than they already had, but it’s still a flawed and uneven narrative. It just isn’t any worse than it was before. There’s still a story worth telling here, but that story is slow as fuck and most of the characters in the Uncanny Avengers aren’t contributing jack shit to it. I won’t say this series did anything overly egregious. I won’t deny the battle between the Maximoff twins and their long lost sister wasn’t good. It just wasn’t much better than that. I give Uncanny Avengers #3 a 6 out of 10. It’s good, but it’s starting to drag. If someone doesn’t do something meaningful, they should just sit on the bench or run for Congress. That way everybody will be more comfortable. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #2

Deadbeat parents are the source of many Disney movies and rap albums. It’s like the fart joke of stories. It’s classic and overdone, but it can still be entertaining if done right. A fart joke in an episode of the West Wing is not going to work as well as a fart joke in Family Guy. The Seth MacFarlanes of the world have a special talent for fleshing out certain elements, be they fart jokes or talking babies. Those elements don’t always work well in certain circumstances. And deadbeat parents is one of those issues that’s struggling to work in Uncanny Avengers.

Aside from Tony Stark being a drunk again, the big fallout from Avengers and X-men: AXIS was the revelation/bullshit retcon that Magneto wasn’t the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Naturally, this left them pretty curious so the first arc of the newly relaunched Uncanny Avengers series is built around this mystery. It brought Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch to Counter-Earth so they could search for the High Evolutionary. The Uncanny Avengers got dragged into it too because why the fuck not? It’s been an uneven narrative, but it hasn’t completely fucked itself to the point of absurdity. Uncanny Avengers #2 gives it another chance and it’s already dangerously close to not needing too many others.

It certainly helps when a battle between Sabretooth and the High Evolutionary ends with Sabretooth getting a hole blown in his torso. And no, that’s not quite as gay as it sounds. Sabretooth was the lucky/unlucky asshole who managed to show up on Counter-Earth in a perfect position to get his ass kicked by the High Evolutionary’s creations. The High Evolutionary just happens to be there to finish the job. It’s an inglorious end, but one that’s somewhat fitting because it forces Sabretooth to fight in a way that’s as inverted as he is. He doesn’t just go for his typical Plan A of slaughtering anything that moves and fucking anything that’s still warm. Sure, this ends with him getting a hole in the torso, but it clearly establishes the High Evolutionary as the asshole here.

And the High Evolutionary really runs with his assholery in a major way, so much so that he kind of steals the show a bit. Once Sabretooth is down for the count, he reveals that he didn’t just drop by to horribly wound someone. He’s probably as bored of that as Wolverine was before he died. He’s actually there to tell his citizens that they are basically failed lab experiments, just like Sabretooth. He goes on this long, but not-so-meaningless rant about how his brand of evolution goes beyond just surviving and fucking. By that process, there’s not much difference between man and pond scum. And on some levels, he’s not wrong. But this guy strives for perfection and as it stands, these anthropomorphic creations aren’t making the cut.

For anyone who doesn’t know shit about the High Evolutionary and is too lazy to use Wikipedia, this moment perfectly conveyed the personality and motivations of this character. He’s not Magneto, Sinister, or Apocalypse. He’s something else. Sure, he’s still an asshole. But he’s an evolved asshole seeking to achieve the perfect life and he’s not using shitty self-help books to do it. He’s actually trying to create it from scratch. In that sense he’s not inherently an asshole. He’s just ambitious and has some fucked up ways of going about it.

This speech has nothing to do with the parentage of the Maximoff Twins or the Uncanny Avengers. But I’ll come out and say it anyways. The High Evolutionary is now the most interesting part of this story. His pursuit and his fucked up ways of going about it are way more interesting than who knocked up Pietro and Wanda’s mother. He’s no Dr. Doom, but he’s no Walter White either.

The asshole part of his pursuit is that he’s willing to exterminate huge populations of his creation with the same callousness as most people have when they click the undo button in an essay. While Sabretooth makes an attempt to stop him, he fails miserably in a way that probably has Wolverine laughing his ass off from beyond the grave. Then with a shrug and a smile, the Hugh Evolutionary proceeds to wipe out every living creature around him with a burst of power that might as well have been ripped from a rerun of Dragonball Z. It looks every bit as awesome as it sounds. And all this is done in the name of pursuing perfection. It makes me shudder to think how this guy would deal with typos.

After a display like that, catching up with the Maximoff twins feels like a downgrade. Sure, this whole story began with them traveling to Counter-Earth to find the High Evolutionary. That doesn’t mean it’s the most engaging part of this story. Their only accomplishment since showing up in this world is losing a bar fight and getting themselves captured. That’s like getting thrown out of a bar in New Orleans and still ending up in jail because the police had to fill a public drunkenness quota. And they don’t do much more than I did on my last trip to New Orleans.

Once they wake up, there is some nice inner musings from the Scarlet Witch. She talks about how she and Quicksilver have been dealing with the revelation about Magneto not being their father. In a nutshell, they’re still fucked up about it. But they still aren’t doing anything other than getting their asses kicked to deal with it. That doesn’t mean that this ends up being less productive than my last trip to jail.

When the Maximoff twins wake up, they find themselves in a bunker where three Rambo knock-offs are arguing about what the High Evolutionary just did. They seem to have a problem with the High Evolutionary just exterminating millions of lives on a whim. I guess they’re weird like that. It reveals that the High Evolutionary has enemies aside from the Maximoff twins and the Uncanny Avengers. It also reveals that these guys went out of their way to save the Maximoff twins rather than help the lives the High Evolutionary snuffed out. Given how easily he fucked up Sabretooth, they might have done the smart thing. They can’t help anyone if they’re dead or horribly maimed.

These people definitely need help if they’re going to fight the High Evolutionary. The Maximoff twins offer something. But given their issues with family and retcons, they can only offer so much. It’s easy to forget that the rest of the Uncanny Avengers were supposed to get involved with this. But there still isn’t much progress on that front. Only Dr. Voodoo gets to do anything of real merit here and even he’s behind the curve.

In a fucked up realm of the dead, he encounters the souls of all the lives the High Evolutionary just exterminated. They’re not exactly happy about it to say the least. Souls tend to get restless when some douche-bag in purple armor commits genocide on them. But Dr. Voodoo is in a position to do something about it and it has nothing to do with haunting the High Evolutionary in a blatant Paranormal Activity rip-off.

He gets in touch with Doniva, the first daughter of the High Evolutionary. She’s not exactly fond of her father. He treated her the same way most people treat a defective iPhone, casting her aside like a teenage boy casts aside dirty tissues during a porn marathon. She warns that like a teenage boy with an unfiltered internet connection, the High Evolutionary will keep doing this. And she wants to help stop him. There are no specifics, but it continues the trend of making the High Evolutionary the most interesting character in this story. The Uncanny Avengers might as well be guest stars at this point.

The High Evolutionary remains front and center, showing off just how much he’s in charge of this world. He’s still not satisfied after slaughtering millions of lives for the imperfections they’re not even responsible for. So he takes Sabretooth back to his lab and decides to dissect him as only he can. It’s not quite as gruesome as the last three Saw movies, but it is pretty fucking brutal. I wouldn’t be surprised if this shit gave the High Evolutionary a boner because he’s intrigued by Sabretooth’s healing factor. That just gives him another means of pursing his quest for perfection and fucking with those who don’t meet his standards. Now this isn’t a new tactic. Plenty of other assholes have tried to exploit healing factors. The High Evolutionary isn’t even the top 10, but his ability to torment Sabretooth still earns him some points.

As he’s torturing Sabretooth, he ends up getting a call from one of the guys dumb enough to help him in this endless pursuit of perfection. He’s the same asshole who was dumb enough to capture Rogue. While Rogue still isn’t doing jack shit along with the rest of the Uncanny Avengers, she’s still alive and still in a position to fuck things up when she gets a chance. Right now, her creepy old captor is just letting the High Evolutionary know that there are mutants stirring shit up on Counter-Earth. And Sabretooth has already proved that they can be quite a hassle.

The High Evolutionary doesn’t get too upset about this. He doesn’t even look annoyed. He has a, “Oh, that’s happening? How cute,” type reaction. But that doesn’t mean that he’s okay with anyone coming along and fucking up his perfect little world. So he calls in some help to deal with it in the form of Luminous. But who the fuck is Luminous? Well that’s not entirely clear, but the High Evolutionary does reveal that she’s related to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. It’s set up as one of those “Oh fuck!” moments. But at this point, the impact is lacking. So the Maximoff Twins have some siblings that want to kill them. That’s not too shocking. That’s the next three sitcoms on CBS.

There was a lot going on in this issue. But like watching an episode of Lost without the aid of weed, it didn’t make for a lot of progress. That’s not to say it did nothing of merit. More than anything else, it revealed special breed of asshole that the High Evolutionary has become. He’s the opposite of Spider-Man, so much power and no responsibility. He’ll create and slaughter as many living beings he has to in order to achieve his goal. He comes off as someone who took his OCD way too fucking far, but at least there’s a sense of perspective in terms of what the Uncanny Avengers are up against.

Beyond that, not a whole lot happened. Sabretooth gave everyone attitude in a way that was indistinguishable from Wolverine. The Maximoff twins slept through most of the story, not getting much closer to finding out who their real father is. And aside from Dr. Voodoo, none of the other Uncanny Avengers did or discovered anything of merit. I can’t say the story didn’t move forward because it did. I can’t even say it lacked depth and appeal. There is a story worth telling here, but it’s the kind of story that makes me less and less likely to give a fuck about who Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s parents are. If nothing else, this issue still retained just enough fucks to be interesting. It’s just getting way too side-tracked. I give Uncanny Avengers #2 a 6 out of 10. It’s not easy to get over bullshit retcons. Just re-read the Clone Saga and try to let it go. But it is possible to stop being pissed off enough to enjoy the stories that follow. So unless someone is in need of anger management or is Charlie Sheen, they shouldn’t be bothered by it at this point. Nuff said!

The Ties That No Longer Bind: Uncanny Avengers #1

The following is my review of Uncanny Avengers #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Retcons are to comics what root canal is to hockey players. It’s an unavoidable hazard that often results in some ugly scars. Sometimes it’s necessary to minimize the damage of poorly thought-out stories. The entire Clone Saga comes to mind. But more often than not, a retcon is like adding nitro-glycerine to any mixture. It doesn’t take much to blow up in everyone’s face. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t make for a compelling story.

Marvel’s latest attempt at an overly bold retcon isn’t quite at Clone Saga levels, but it has the potential to be. The biggest fallout from Avengers and X-men: AXIS involved a complete deconstruction of the history of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. In a revelation that drops a load of napalm on several decades of established continuity, the Scarlet Witch found out that Magneto was not her biological father. That essentially means that all her roles in the human/mutant struggle might as well have been a Simpson cameo.

Such a retcon has left a lot of cracks in the foundation of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. And by some remarkable and completely expected coincidence, it’s just in time for their debut in Avengers: Age of Ultron. But this unstable foundation is the bedrock on which Uncanny Avengers #1 is built. From a conceptual point-of-view, it’s attempting to run a marathon with lead bricks attached to its feet. The ends results might not get it to the finish line in record time, but it still manages to run a competitive race.

The story doesn’t attempt to gloss over the big revelation about Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s lineage. Instead of dealing with the massive ramifications caused by Avengers and X-men: AXIS, it focuses in on this new issue of who fathered the Maximoff twins. It is admittedly a more pressing story than an inverted Sabretooth or the overly contrived drama surrounding Havok and Wasp. The problem is that this story doesn’t just hit the ground running. It hits the ground in the middle of the race.

Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch have already ditched the new Unity Squad, which had to undergo some impromptu recruiting. They’re now on their own personal quest to find out who their real father is and this takes them to Counter-Earth, a fascinating world created by the High Evolutionary. But for some reason, this quest involves them cheating at a card game and picking a bar fight. It makes Counter-Earth feel more like Mos Eisley in Star Wars and less like a strange new world that they have to navigate in order to uncover the truth. And unlike Han Solo, they don’t succeed. They end up getting shot, ensuring that no Greedo issues arise.

This conflict leads to plenty of bar fights, high speed chases, and angry poker players. There are some moments that explore how Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are reacting to this revelation, but it remains secondary. It ends up making the impact of that revelation feel rushed. They go from learning the truth about their heritage to picking bar fights on Counter-Earth. It gives a clear impression that they skipped a few steps.

More steps have to be skipped in order for the rest of the Unity Squad to go after them. They already know from recent experience that an upset Wanda Maximoff can only end badly. They attempt to go after them in hopes of preventing another inversion or genocide. Again, there is some effort made to explore their reactions to the revelation that Magneto did not father the Maximoff Twins. But these reactions really don’t factor heavily into the plot. They just follow their trail to Wundagore, try to teleport to Counter-Earth, and encounter some complications along the way. It’s basically follows the same structure as a rerun of Scooby Doo.

It’s at this point where the plot begins to diverge. The Unity Squad gets separated and the story becomes less concise. They do make it to Counter-Earth, but they end up getting separated like a bunch of teenagers in a haunted house. Each member encounters their own complication. Some are very uncomfortable and involve creepy old men. Some are even tempting in that they involve an attractive robot female. Not all of them are compelling, but they do add some new ingredients to the mix.

That’s not to say the plot gets too chaotic. Despite all these diverting plots, the story remains fairly coherent. Issues like Vision’s unresolved anger towards the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man being stuck in Rogue’s mind are touched on. They’re just rushed. This is the greatest shortcoming of the story. It tries to squeeze too many elements into the plot while maintaining a solid pace. But like open heart surgery, some things can’t be rushed. This story never flat-lines. It just moves too quickly to leave a lasting impact.

In addition to the pace, the setup of the story makes it feel like a full-blown re-launch of the title was unnecessary. The events in this issue directly follow the events of the previous arc in Uncanny Avengers. Most successful re-launches are pitched as good starting on points. Anyone who tries to use this issue as a starting point is going to get more confused than someone trying to understand Lost after starting on the third season.

There are plenty of compelling elements in Uncanny Avengers #1, even for those not happy about the retcon of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s heritage. However, it does little to make it feel as though that retcon was worth doing. It’s still too early to say whether it’ll be a failure on the level of the Clone Saga. It’s got a long ways to go before it gets to that point. In the end, some will never be satisfied. But like internet trolls or boy bands, this is an audience that is best ignored for the sake of the story.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #1

The word “rectcon” is to comics what the C-word is to women. Few things will offend, enrage, and annoy comic book fans than a bullshit retcon, especially if they perceive it as part of some petty agenda. That’s why there are still many fans still pissed off about “One More Day” and “The Clone Saga.” There’s just no better way to shit all over years and years worth of stories than just up and saying, “Fuck it, we’re magically changing this shit.” That’s not to say all retcons are bad. Madelyne Pryor is a retcon that needed to happen. But the latest relaunch of Uncanny Avengers, stemming directly from the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS, involves dealing with a retcon that has pissed more fans off than the Sopranos finale.

There’s nothing anyone from Marvel can say at this point to change the perception. By making it so Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are no longer Magneto’s children, they’re playing right into all the crackpot conspiracy theories that some fans have about the way Marvel treats mutants. They know like everyone else with an internet connection that Marvel doesn’t have the movie rights to X-men. Hell, they can’t even say the word “mutant” in their movies because Fox’s lawyers will pounce on that shit like a pot head pouncing on an unopened bag of potato chips. And since Joss Whedon wanted to use Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch in Avengers 2, Marvel is all too willing to suck his dick. And since Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch have a long history with the Avengers, there’s some legal wiggle-room that I’m sure involved a lot of dick-sucking.

Now it’s bled into the comics. Marvel has changed the history of two iconic characters whose legacy has been closely tied to Magneto for decades. It’s because of that legacy that their stories carry emotional weight. Then in AXIS, that legacy was shot to shit by the revelation that Magneto wasn’t their father. Sure, that’s a good thing to hear on Maury. It’s not quite as good to hear in this instance. Now ignoring for a moment this bullshit attempt to cash in on Age of Ultron, I’m not saying this concept still can’t be awesome. Uncanny Avengers #1 is going to make the effort regardless of how pissed off some fans are about AXIS. I’m just saying that it’s going to take a lot of awesome to mask the stench of a retcon like this.

To do this, an exotic setting helps in the same way exotic dancers give something extra to a lap dance. Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are just as annoyed by this retcon as everyone and are trying to understand it. That takes them to an exceedingly exotic location called Counter-Earth. It’s basically another Earth crafted by the High Evolutionar. It orbits on the opposite side of the sun and it’s full of the kinds of creatures that would make cos-players feel right at home.

And while it is full of exotic creatures that look like Thundercats rejects, it still has the same problem with assholes who cheat at poker. I guess that’s one evolutionary achievement that must always be preserved. Quicksilver somehow believes playing a game of poker with a bunch of thugs will help him find out who his real father is. This pisses off his opponents, who see right through his bluff and know he’s after the High Evolutionary. What follows is a bar fight and a street chase that tries to be like a James Bond movie, but lacks the charm. Maybe Quicksilver should’ve had a martini and a cool car.

The Scarlet Witch eventually joins in the fight, going after the other thugs who don’t take a poker game quite as seriously. She can fuck with reality. She easily win a bar fight. But beyond the action and the chases, there is some nice inner monolog about the impact of this revelation. They don’t just brush it off. This shit really fucking bothers them and it should. They just found out Magneto isn’t their father. The only problem with this scene is that it feels like they skipped a couple of steps to reach it. That doesn’t make Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch getting shot in the end any less intriguing. It just feels a bit rushed.

The Maximoff twins have picked a shitty time to go on their little spirit quest. The rest of the Unity Squad is still in the process of unfucking themselves after the events of AXIS. Thor isn’t on the team anymore. Havok is still inverted. Wasp is probably going to sue the Avengers for inflicting too much emotional distress and will probably win. That leaves a team that’s supposed to bridge the gap between Avengers and X-men with only two fucking mutants on the team. And rather than deal with all the mind-fucks they endured with AXIS and the shit leading up to it, they have to deal with Maximoff family drama.

It’s not like this issue shouldn’t be addressed, but it still feels rushed since it jumped right into bar fights and street chases. The Unity Squad, despite having just been shaken up, decides to go after the twins because I guess the whole tension between Avengers and X-men will solve itself. As a concept, it’s as fucked as it sounds. But it still has merit. Rogue even sympathizes a little with the Maximoff twins in their effort to find their real father and she was among those who wanted to choke Wanda to death. It helps give the situation some depth as they follow their trail to Wundagore.

This is where Sabretooth makes his first contribution to the Unity Squad. No, that’s not a typo or a drunk text. Sabretooth is part of the Unity Squad now. He’s still inverted so it’s not quite as fucked up as it sounds. But for some reason, they think he’s fit to be part of this team. How anyone was convinced of that must’ve involved a heated debate and/or a really lucky hand at poker. Whatever went into this decision, we don’t get to see it. Again, it just rushes into the plot with the Maximoff twins. It’s not unexpected, but it still feels like it’s skipping way too many steps.

It does help that despite being inverted, they keep Sabretooth on a tight leash. They make it clear they don’t even trust an inverted version of him and he makes it clear it pisses him off. But he’s still able to track the Maximoff Twin’s scent into the High Evolutionary’s old hangout. This is where they find out that the twins took a trip to Counter-Earth. Now it’s just a matter of catching up with them and convincing them to settle for an appearance on Maury.

That’s not as hard as it seems, but not as easy as it should be. The portal is destroyed so Brother Voodoo has to teleport them to Counter Earth with help from Vision. It sounds like one of those feats that Reed Richards does in his sleep. It’s only fucked up when one of the High Evolutionary’s guards finally decides that trespassers are a bad thing and attack. He does this just in time to fuck up Brother Voodoo’s spells. And as anyone who has known the Scarlet Witch for more than a week knows, fucking up a spell can really ruin their day and even fuck up an entire species if they’re really unlucky.

This time, no genocides or inversions occur. The only real consequence seems to be that they arrived on Counter Earth at different locations. That’s not terribly fucked up. Hell, that’s basically like the mid-season finale of the Amazing Race. The problem is that it segments the story somewhat and there are only so many different directions I can follow while drunk.

Brother Voodoo apparently pissed off some of his ancestors by fucking up the spell. That means the Unity Squad’s return ticket is now MIA because their day just hasn’t been fucked up enough. Vision also arrives in the middle of a metropolis on Counter-Earth. He even takes the time to admire it as being much more high-tech and clean than anything he’s seen. I guess this is a subtle way of him saying he’s found one too many condom wrappers in a park. But then he’s drawn by another AI that looks just like him, but has boobs. I don’t know the complexity of Visions machinery. I don’t even claim to understand those who are sexually attracted to robots. I’ll just say that, as contrived as this is, I think Vision should go for it. Machine or not, good pussy is good pussy.

It’s not nearly as comfortable for Rogue, who winds up in the lab of some creepy old guy who looks like he should be hiding in a dumpster outside a Victoria’s Secret. He’s found a way to paralyze Rogue so he can do some experiments. He claims that mutation has the power to build new worlds for new creations. I think that might just be code for saying he wants her to try on the custom thong underwear he’s designed for her. He also throws in that he managed to erase Wonder Man from her mind. He says it in the same casual manner that I throw out empty beer bottles. Given how this plot was never resolved and completely lost during AXIS, it feels forced in addition to being creepy as hell.

Even so, Rogue still didn’t get the worst of it. Winding up in the lab of some creepy old guy is bad, but Captain America wound up in some fucked up garden that’s more giant spider web than garden. Fortunately for all those with arachnophobia, it isn’t full of giant spiders. It’s just full of tree creatures that drain the life from its victims. I still think it’s less horrifying than spiders. Captain America sees how these creatures feed on their prey and he’s not eager to be digested like a hot dog at the Superbowl. He doesn’t end up escaping, but he’s still Captain freakin’ America. He just wouldn’t be very American if he was defeated by a fucking tree.

I guess the only one who could say they were lucky with where they ended up was Sabretooth. He appeared in the middle of what looks like a nice park with a pristine fountain. He even describes how there are no foul scents anywhere. There’s not even a moldy ham sandwich rotting in a dumpster. The creatures don’t try to kill him, but they welcome him with the same way animal rights activists are welcomed at barbecue.

Since he’s inverted, his first instinct isn’t to kill every one of them and roast their bodies over an open flame. He just tries to get the fuck out of there and find someone who’s breath stinks of burnt steak. But before he can get too far, he runs into the High Evolutionary. So he ends up finding exactly who the Maximoff Twins were looking for and he wasn’t even looking. I guess this is how he learns to empathize with what Wolverine had to go through. This is the kind of randomly contrived shit that ruined so many weekends and drinking binges.

I admit it’s hard to make an objective judgment on this issue when the shit stains of the big retcon are present in every moment. That said, I can’t say that this book didn’t just gloss over it. Magneto not being Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s father is a big fucking deal and this issue treated it as such. The whole conflict emerges directly from Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch reacting to it. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. Hell, it would’ve made the retcon even more egregious if they just shrugged it off like Peter Parker lost another job or pissed off another girlfriend. But in pursuing this story, it leaves a few shortcomings.

This issue really didn’t feel like it deserved to have a shiney new #1 on the cover. It felt like it could’ve easily been the next arc in the previous volume of Uncanny Avengers. The lineup changed, but it’s still following the same story. In addition, there’s a bit too much showing and not enough telling, even by kindergarten standards. There is some action, but there’s not a lot of explanation of depth to that action. There’s some “Oh fuck!” moments as well, but none that will cause anyone to spit out their coffee. In the end, this issue was solid yet unspectacular. It has promise, but nobody who was disappointed in the retcon is going to change their mind after reading this. Uncanny Avengers #1 gets a 6 out of 10. Maybe this is an issue that would’ve best been resolved by a stint on Maury Povich. Not saying that a trip to Counter Earth to fuck up the High Evolutionary isn’t a close second, but I just think that Eminem and Jerry Springer desensitized us to baby mama dramas at this point. Nuff said!