Convergence of Character and Chaos: Dr. Aphra #9

The following is my review of Dr. Aphra #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every now and then, a character comes along that fills a need that nobody even knows is there until it's shoved in their face. It's like there are all these blind spots in the world of popular culture and nobody bothers to look until something jumps out and surprises everyone for the best possible reasons. For a mythos like Star Wars, where endless debates rage over whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first, it's hard to imagine there are any blind spots left. Then, Dr. Aphra and her two homicidal droids, Triple-0 and BT, come along and suddenly everyone has a reason to forget about Greedo.

Ever since her debut in Darth Vader #3, Dr. Aphra keeps finding ways to be the most compelling character in Marvel's evolving Star Wars universe. She's part Indiana Jones, part Han Solo, part Lara Croft, and part Catwoman. For such a new character, relative to a mythos that has been around since the disco era, that's an eclectic mixture, to say the least. However, Kieron Gillen finds a way to make Dr. Aphra work brilliantly. She's a character Star Wars didn't know it needed, but it's that much better because of her.

What helps set Dr. Aphra apart from Luke, Han, Leia, and Jar Jar Binks is her ability to play both sides. She's neither on the side of the Empire nor the Rebel Alliance. She's very much on her own side, as seen in arcs like Vader Down and Screaming Citadel. She has no qualms with changing her allegiance on a whim whenever it suits her. She's downright Machiavellian in her tactics, but somehow finds a way to be lovable.

These tactics are on full display within Dr. Aphra #9. While fans of all things noble and true in the galaxy may have a hard time rooting for her, it's hard to deny her ambitious. Dr. Aphra is the personification of Mos Eisley in that she surrounds herself with the worst thieves, thugs, and deviants in the galaxy. Unlike Luke Skywalker, she's exceedingly comfortable in their company. She gives the impression that she prefers it. For her, the scum of the galaxy are preferable to Jedi or Sith, if only because they have deeper pockets.

That's another aspect of her character that sets her apart. Like Han Solo, Dr. Aphra is more concerned with paying off old debts and turning a profit rather than bringing balance to the Force. Unlike Han Solo, though, she's not as inclined to step up and play the hero when the chips are down. If it means losing a payday or a valuable asset, she'll generally brush it off. She'll even screw over anyone who tries to nudge her in a certain direction. More than anything else, Dr. Aphra prefers to serve her own agenda and will employ any number of murder drones and renegade wookies to achieve it.

The agenda in Dr. Aphra #9 isn't that complex, but the setup is pretty elaborate. For the past several issues, she's been trying to make use of an ancient Jedi artifact that dates back to the Old Republic. Beyond satisfying her scientific curiosity as a renegade archeologist, she also understands that all things Jedi have greater value in a galaxy where most were wiped out. She may be a deviant, even by Sith standards, but she understands market forces.

Knowing the Empire is more prone to blow up planets rather than bargain, she invites some of the galaxy's most accomplished thieves and criminals to bid on it. She even turns it into a party of sorts, one in which puts Dr. Aphra's charisma and cunning on full display. She's not some inexperienced farm boy. She's not even some privileged princess. She's very much in a category all her own. In a galaxy full of Death Stars, smugglers, droids, and Lando Calrissians, she finds a way to stand out.

That's not to say Dr. Aphra is that efficient at pursuing her agenda. In fact, a good chunk of her nascent history is full of ambitious plans blowing up in her face, going all the way back to when Darth Vader first enlisted her help. It's one of the reasons she finds herself in so much debt in the first place. She's great at forging these elaborate schemes to acquire resources. She's just not that good at adapting those schemes when something goes horribly wrong, which tends to happen a lot in a galaxy where even Death Stars are prone to blowing up.

In a sense, she's very much the anti-Rey. Nobody can read Dr. Aphra #9 and claim she's a Mary Sue type character. Dr. Aphra is ambitious and skilled, but she doesn't exactly endear herself to everyone around her. It's also painfully obvious by the end that at least part of her plan is doomed to fail again. Unlike Han Solo and Princess Leia, she can't expect to rely on the love of friends and allies to save her.

Dr. Aphra isn't that kind of person. For her, friends and allies are expensive and potentially distracting. Granted, that puts her in many difficult positions, especially when her schemes go awry, but that's what provides so much of the entertainment value in Dr. Aphra #9 and her story as a whole. She is very much a deviant and a renegade, but she's no Jabba the Hut. She's not cruel or vindictive. She's not the kind of person who will Force choke anyone who disagrees with her. However, she is willing to leave dead bodies and broken droids in her wake.

Those who've grown fond of Dr. Aphra since her introduction in Darth Vader #3 will find plenty to enjoy in Dr. Aphra #9. In a sense, Dr. Aphra #9 highlights all of the traits that make her story compelling and her character endearing. Those who haven't been following her exploits since Screaming Citadel may be lost, though. Dr. Aprha's story is difficult to just pick up and follow. There are also times when the flaws in her schemes seem a bit too obvious. Those hoping for a big revelation on par with The Empire Strikes Back will be disappointed. That's not how Dr. Aphra works. It's the little revelations that make her story so engaging.

That doesn't prevent Dr. Aphra's character from being any less endearing. She's still someone that's easy to root for. At the same time, she's also someone that can slip up and not upset too many people. Gillen's development of her character continues to be strong and Andrea Broccardo's art adds visual appeal with that distinct Star Wars style. Dr. Aphra may not care much for the Force since it can't pay her debts, but she doesn't even need it to be a great character. Debts or not, the galaxy is inherently richer because of her presence.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Infighting With Underdogs: Civil War II: X-men #4

The following is my review of Civil War II: X-men #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

A balanced conflict goes a long ways towards crafting a compelling narrative. While it is possible for an arm-wrestling context between the Hulk and Howard the Duck to be entertaining, it's not a struggle that's going to be all that interesting. Civil War II goes to great lengths to create a conflict in which the divisions between characters are genuine, understandable, and intriguing. It's as balanced as any conflict can be and it doesn't even need time travel, magic, or deals with Mephisto.

Creating a balanced conflict in Civil War II: X-men is already a challenge. Before Civil War II even begins, the X-men and the entire mutant race are stuck playing a rigged game while handicapped. They're on the brink of extinction yet again. They're despised, sterilized, and a good chunk of their top characters are either dead, time displaced, or holdovers from an apocalyptic universe. Even by underdog standards, the X-men are depleted in terms of what they can bring to a conflict.

This makes the tone of Civil War II: X-men so distinct compared to other tie-ins. The X-men already lost one war against the Inhumans. Now, they have Ulysses, whose precognition powers may as well be cheat codes. Cullen Bunn goes to great lengths drawing the lines between the X-men, crafting some level of balance between those who want to work with the Inhumans and those who feel they have one too many advantages at this point. Civil War II: X-men #4 maintains that balance for the most part, but doesn't take it far enough.

There's nothing elaborate or subtle about the narrative. This final clash between Magneto's team and Storm's team is effectively streamlined into a single, simple clash. It's light on drama, but solid on details. Andrea Broccardo's art makes this clash visually engaging and well-organized. Mutant battles tend to get chaotic, but since this one doesn't involve time travelers, it's a lot easier to follow.

While the infighting makes up the bulk of the story, it's Magneto who gives the narrative some personal dimensions. More than any other character in this tie-in, he establishes himself as a hardened realist. He now operates on a level that's several steps beyond the debate between his vision and Charles Xavier's dream. He sees the mutant issue as a struggle for survival now and the Inhumans are actively undermining that survival. Giving them an advantage at this point would be tantamount to running up the score.

This emphasis on survival and fighting those who undermine it isn't knew for Magneto. What Civil War II: X-men #4 does is frame it in a new context, one that makes the infighting among the X-men feel somewhat misguided. In this context, Magneto's approach is actually more understandable than Storm's in a backwards sort of way.

Storm wants to work with the Inhumans just like Charles Xavier wanted to work with the human race. However, the conflict with the Inhumans is a bit more specific. A cloud that they unleashed is killing an entire race and they refuse to do anything about it. Working with them has produced little to no tangible results. This makes Storm's efforts to coordinate with them seem misguided. Her heart is in the right place, as it often is, but it disrupts the fragile balance of the conflict that makes the Civil War II narrative work.

This balance is somewhat restored once Magneto gets a chance to interact with Ulysses. This ends up being far more meaningful than any interaction he could have with Storm. The discussion they share is significant in that it forces Magneto to re-evaluate his tactics. However, this meaningful interaction ends up leading to a bland and inconsequential conclusion.

There aren't any meaningful changes that emerge from this clash between Magneto's team and Storm's team. Once Magneto meets Ulysses, the battle just ends. There are no major scars. There are no serious injuries that can't be treated with off-panel magic and bed rest. There aren't even any major consequences to lies, betrayals, and deception. The characters just shrug it off, as though it happens every other week.

What makes this outcome somewhat palatable is the context behind it. Magneto, being a cold and callous pragmatist at heart, sees how this conflict will play out and quite literally. The only way to make sure that he's in a position to protect his people and take on the Inhumans again down the line is to just swallow his pride and leave. It's an inglorious way to end a conflict, but it's perfectly in line with who Magneto is and why he does what he does.

That's not to say there isn't some kind of meaningful impact in Civil War II: X-men #4. It does add more bricks to the foundation on which the X-men and Inhumans will clash down the line. It also supplements some of the ongoing tensions within the teams, such as Magneto and Psylocke. These bits and pieces of progress aren't enough to give the overall story enough weight. It still feels like an overblown round of infighting that doesn't amount to much.

In the ongoing debate between aiding the Inhumans and fighting them, the balance may very well be too fragile to function. Civil War II: X-men #4 only reinforces the inevitability of another clash between these two teams. It also further proves that such a clash may not be a balanced one. At the end of the day, one side still has its movie rights. The other is tied up with another studio. Even with X-men being the ultimate underdogs, it doesn't feel like a fight that'll benefit them in any way.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #4: Nuff Said!

If you're playing Call of Duty and you know there's an asshole on the opposing squad who's cheating, your first inclination is to either do something about it or call the kid's mother a whore. As human beings, we do value fairness to some degree. Unless we all get to cheat, we get pissed and want to see the cheaters punished, shamed, and humiliated. Unfortunately, Marvel is willing to give a past to a group of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

They now have Ulysses, a precog who can win every fantasy sports league without breaking a sweat. He's already saving the world and getting other heroes killed. Now, some in the X-men are a bit uncomfortable with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners gaining even more of an edge. They've already got their own country. Their fart cloud is sterilizing mutants and exiling them to a fucking demon realm. That shit just isn't fair in the slightest and Magneto is trying to do something about that.

The odds are against him though and some X-men are actually willing to team up with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. How sad is that? Civil War II: X-men #4 doesn't promise much fairness, but it has Magneto doing what he does best. The fact it's easier to root for him over Storm really says something.

Why is Magneto so easy to root for? Well, Storm and her people are hiding out in a fucking demon realm while the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' big green fart cloud roams the Earth, maiming their fellow mutants. Magneto is confronting the source of that big fucking fart cloud. Which one do you think is being more proactive?

With Rachel Grey's help, he fights his way through New Attilan like a motherfucking boss. Rachel tries to tell him that these people don't hate him like he thinks. However, she also fails to give a damn good reason why they're not doing jack shit about the big fucking fart cloud that's maiming their entire species. Yet they're still considered fucking heroes? If I were Magneto, I'd shit in every one of their sinks just to send a message. Sadly, he doesn't have time for that. He has to get to Ulysses, who naturally expects his arrival. He's a fucking precog. He probably knows how much the Cleveland Browns will lose by this Sunday.

While Magneto is busy taking the fight to the asshole Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who are butchering the mutant race, Storm and her team are busy fighting their fellow X-men. Seriously, I'm very uncomfortable rooting against Storm to this degree, but she's making it goddamn hard.

At the very least, she shows she can put up a damn good fight and Andrea Broccardo's art makes it a damn pretty sight. The problem is, she's fighting Arcangel. This guy is a fucking horseman of Apocalypse. He's supposed to bring war and death. A fucking thunderstorm may as well be pillow fight for him, minus the sexy co-eds. So of course he gets in a nasty shot that knocks Storm out of the sky and for once, it doesn't bother me. Again, I'm very uncomfortable with that feeling.

Cut to Old Man Logan beating up Sabretooth and just like that, I'm comfortable again. Throw in fights between Mystique and Psylocke, as well as Gambit and Fantomex, and there's something for everybody to enjoy. Mystique and Psylocke's battle makes my penis happy. Gambit and Fantomex's battle should make the gay crowd happy. So everyone's penis should find a reason to enjoy this on some levels and that's never a bad thing.

It's still X-men fighting X-men though. At a time when they're getting sterilized while Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners just laugh while jerking off from afar, this feels unproductive to say the least. Then again, it is part of a Civil War event. So if heroes weren't fighting heroes, then that would be flagrant false advertising. We get enough of that from pharmaceutical ads so I'm glad X-men aren't adding to it.

As this battle is going on, making everyone's penises very happy, Magneto finally confronts Ulysses. Keep in mind, this kid isn't a fighter. He's a fucking college kid who just became ground zero for the latest superhero shit storm. So standing in the shadow of fucking Magneto, a guy who will snap your neck with a goddamn smile if he thinks it'll protect the mutant race, is pretty damn terrifying.

Knowing this, Ulysses opts not to fight. I can't tell if he shit his pants, but I imagine he's resisting the urge with every ounce of strength. Instead, he tries to talk Magneto down. He claims he's not a weapon that'll be used against mutants. Then again, he's new to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners so he probably doesn't know how few fucks they give about screwing over entire races. He also drops an ominous hint about how this shit will play out. If he has any cards at all to play, it's that he can see how Magneto's bullshit will screw him over.

Meanwhile, the battle with the rest of the X-men intensifies. Sabretooth and Old Man Logan bloody each other up a bit more. Nightcrawler kicks his mother in the face. Fantomex and Gambit rough each other up. It's standard, but satisfying. This isn't Cyclops and Wolverine fighting over an old pair of Jean Grey's panties. This is a fairly typical X-men vs. X-men clash. It's not Lord of the Rings epic, but it's not Weekend at Bernies cheap either.

It finally steps up a notch when Storm's team brings in some bigger guns. That includes O5 Jean Grey, Magik, and a Sentinel-packing Cerebra. This finally gives Storm's team a chance to ditch Magneto's team so they can catch up with him before he gives the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners another reason to sterilize them. Again, I still feel very odd rooting for Magneto at this point.

It seems like they're really going to fuck each other over, trying to stop Magneto from fighting the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. The concept alone just feels wrong, considering how fucked the mutant race already is. It doesn't look like it's going to turn out well for either side. If anything, it'll give the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners more reasons to laugh their ass off and jerk off with the blood of innocent mutants.

Then, this concept gets royally fucked when Ulysses shows Magneto one of his painfully accurate visions. In that vision, he sees just how much more he'll fuck over the mutant race by continuing this fight. It involves a dead Jean Grey, a dead Monet, a dead Iceman, and a dead Nightcrawler. It's pretty fucking terrible, but it also has a dead Beast so let's call it a push.

Either way, it gives Magneto enough pause to reconsider. He knows how annoyingly accurate this kid's visions can be. He also knows that any future that involves a dead Jean Grey tends to get fucked up real fast. While he may be a ruthless motherfucker with little love for Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, he's a pragmatist at heart.

So he just leaves. That's right. That's how this clash ends. Magneto just shrugs his shoulders, curses under his breath, and fucking leaves. It's as anti-climactic as it sounds. At the same time, however, it makes the most sense. Like I said, he's a pragmatist. He doesn't just go on random mutant crusades because it gives him a boner. He likes his crusades to have a fucking point. He knows this one won't give him that. So he just leaves.

It makes for somewhat of an awkward moment between Rachel, who fought by Magneto's side, and Storm's Extraordinary team. Then again, she's in the presence of her time-displaced teenage mother. Awkward is kind of a moot point for her. She basically just asks as a buffer, keeping the two X-men teams from fucking each other up any further. They need to save their strength for when they get a chance to get back at the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. They'll need it.

Speaking of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, of which I've already said way too much about, Magneto does manage to get one last message to Queen Medusa, also known as the only redhead in comics I don't jerk off to. They have a brief, but tense conversation where Magneto makes one thing clear. The next time he shows up on their doorstep, he's not going to come hoping to share freshly baked cookies. He's going to come to end their bullshit once and for all. Medusa doesn't seem opposed to this in the slightest. I guess Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't care how many people they piss off at this point. They got fucking movie rights on their side. They have the advantage.

It's still a bit of a whimper to say the least. Pretty much nothing changes as a result of this clash. Magneto goes back to his base. Storm goes back to her. Storm doesn't even give Nightcrawler any shit for joining Magneto. Yet she still gives Cyclops all the shit in the world? How the fuck does that make any sense? Maybe she should've slept with him at some point. That might have made her more understanding. It worked with Emma Frost.

With Magneto, he's done enough shit for one day to convince Rachel that this isn't the crowd she wants to run with. He also earned himself a slap in the face from Psylocke. However, a slap from Psylocke is likely to give most men a boner so I'm not sure Magneto can say he lost too much. At the very least, he gets both teams of X-men geared up for the moment when they'll have to fight the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Hopefully by then, they'll run out of reasons to blame this shit on Cyclops.

So...is it awesome?

Well, let me sum it up like this. Was it action packed? Fuck yeah. Was it entertaining and enjoyable? Fuck yeah. Was it somewhat anti-climactic at the end? Sadly, that's also a fuck yeah. At the very least, though, it was a fitting kind of anti-climax and outside a slasher flick, that's not usually a good thing. In this case, it works because it makes use of Ulysses' powers in just the right way. It also makes use of Magneto's tendency to not piss into the wind when he knows he can't win. He may be a ruthless motherfucker, but he's not stupid.

That lack of stupidity means that this clash could only end with a whimper and never a bang. That's kind of a drag, but it's not like the whole thing cut to a car insurance commercial or something. Some of the outcomes are forced. The fact that Storm just shrugs off Nightcrawler joining Magneto is pretty fucking ridiculous. If only traffic cops were that forgiving. It may improve my driving record, but it doesn't help this book. In the end, too much shit gets cut off in Civil War II #4 before any real drama emerged. Sure, it gets cut off for a damn good reason, but like neutered dogs, it comes at a price.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #3: Nuff Said!

Go back and watch the first Back to the Future movie. Then, imagine if Biff Tanner had been given steroids, a bag of crystal meth, and an AK-47. That should give you a good idea of what the Inhumans have going for them right now in the Marvel universe. Yes, these racist, xenophobic, slave-owning asshats are getting those kinds of benefits because Fox demands too many blowjobs for anything involving mutants. That's what the X-men are up against in Civil War II.

Now, the Inhumans have the ultimate edge in Ulysses, as if having Kamala Khan on their side wasn't enough. While he does help save Magneto and the Uncanny X-men team, there are still those who aren't all that comfortable with the Inhumans having this kind of weapon. Naturally, Magneto is one of them. Tragically, Storm still thinks there's benefits to teaming up with racist, xenophobic slave-owners who don't want to do shit about the poison fart cloud that's killing her people. I normally support storm in all things, but I really have a hard time standing by her on this one. I'm hoping Civil War II: X-men #3 will at least add some balance to the argument because I am not comfortable siding against a woman who can turn my asshole into a lightning rod.

In the spirit of balance, it helps to find someone who knows a thing or two about this shit. You know who has a good idea of what shitty futures feel like? Rachel Grey-Summers. Yep! The daughter of two founding members of the X-men comes from a pretty shitty future to say the least. She's basically a mutant-hunting bloodhound, albeit a very sexy mutant-hunting bloodhound. I'm just saying that if I'm going to be hunted and killed in an shitty future, I want it done by a pretty redhead and not some giant Inhuman fart cloud.

Why is Rachel Grey suddenly relevant? Well, at the end of the previous issue, Magneto is in need of a telepath and Psylocke currently trusts him about as much as she can jerk off to him. So he needs another telepath who's on her level. Rachel Grey's mother is a telepath so powerful she bitch-slapped Emma Frost and hogtied the Phoenix Force for years. She's got a damn good pedigree is what I'm saying.

Magneto tracks her down in London where she's reading some pretty sick thoughts and not of the Austin Powers variety. Apparently, dying mutants generate about as much concern as potholes and cheap wine. The minds Rachel reads are basically cut and pasted from Disney lawyers. They're eager to see every mutant in the world wiped out to make way for the racist, xenophobic slave-owners to take their place. Suddenly, I feel like strangling Austin Powers and pissing on his grave.

Naturally, it doesn't take much to convince Rachel to help Magneto. She's already from a shitty future. Now, the racist xenophobic slave-owners behind the mutant-killing fart cloud have Ulysses on their side. Magneto makes the perfectly logical point that mutants would not be this screwed, were it not for the racist xenophobic slave-owners. So of course Rachel Grey agrees to help him. In her future, the racist xenophobic slave-owners don't do shit to help anyone. Now they've got a fucking pre-cog on their side? That's like Donald Trump winning the fucking lottery.

It's one of the strangest, yet most intriguing parts of this series. Magneto is making the most sense. Again, let me say that more slowly. Magneto is making sense. Anyone who has been an X-men fan longer than a few years understands how fucked up that is. That's just the kind of world X-men live in now, thanks to racist xenophobic slave owners.

While Magneto is making sense and recruiting powerful telepaths from shitty futures, Storm makes some effort at a peaceful solution. She meets with the queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners. It's admirable to some degree. Then, I remember that this is the same queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners who doesn't do jack shit to help an entire race that's dying because of a big fucking fart cloud.

Never-the-less, there is a genuine effort here to provide balance to the debate. Storm and Medusa of the racist xenophobic slave-owners discuss the recent break-in of Fantomex, one of Magneto's top spies. The racist xenophobic slave-owners don't appreciate spies, even if it's from another race they're helping to exterminate. Storm points out that they helped with this. They didn't even ask the racist xenophobic slave-owners to step it up on the whole M-pox issue. They just did the right thing, hoping to avoid another shit storm with racist xenophobic slave-owners.

The conversation here is actually pretty dense. Cullen Bunn really digs into the personalities of both characters. Storm is a former queen. Medusa is an acting queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners. They can relate to one another better than most. Hell, Old Man Logan would probably just try to bone her because she has red hair. Storm makes a genuine effort to avoid becoming enemies. She wants to be allies with racist xenophobic slave-owners. I'm not sure if that makes her hypocritical, but she's still sincere as she always is.

That said, she does show some frustration at some point. It's the first time Storm actually shows a little backbone against the racist xenophobic slave-owners. Instead of bitching about Cyclops and blaming everything on him, she actually gets hostile towards Medusa and her racist xenophobic slave-owners for the current state of mutants. What makes it remarkable is that it does work to some degree. Medusa agrees not to unleash the full force of the racist xenophobic slave-owners against Magneto. She still wants to try a more measured response, which is probably the best Storm can hope for from a bunch of racist xenophobic slave-owners.

The response is actually fairly measured. Medusa sends a spy on behalf of the racist xenophobic slave-owners to Magneto's base in the Savage Land. He arrives just in time to listen to Magneto say what pretty much every single X-men fan feels right now. The racist xenophobic slave-owners don't deserve to have a powerful pre-cog on their team for the same reason that Warren Buffet doesn't deserve tax breaks. Their only hope is to secure Ulysses to keep the racist xenophobic slave-owners from exploiting his talents. They make it clear they don't want to kill him, but knowing Magento, that's always an option. Against racist xenophobic slave-owners, he tends not to be that merciful.

He also tends to know when he's being spied on. This guy fought fucking Nazis. He's used to sniffing out racist xenophobic slave-owners. With Sabretooth on his team, it's even easier. Does it make for a bland spy movie? Sure. At this point though, how competent can you expect racist xenophobic slave-owners to be?

There's more spy shit going on in other parts as well. In the previous issue, Storm's team manages to capture Fantomex, thanks to help from Gambit. These efforts mean Gambit gets to kiss Storm on the cheek without getting a lightning bolt up the ass. That's as good a reward as any in my book. It gives them a chance to interrogate Fantomex. Since Psylocke is on their team, I'm pretty sure they're eager to violate every provision of the Geneva Convention.

They don't have to though. Fantomex is happy to cooperate, telling them he just went to spy on the racist xenophobic slave-owners to scope them out. He was never going to harm Ulysses or any of the racist xenophobic slave-owners, which is a pretty big deal for someone who once shot a kid in the head. Even Psylocke, who wants any excuse to rip his eyes out, says he's telling the truth.

The only problem is that Fantomex, being the douche-bag that he is, doesn't cooperate this easily unless there's a tactical advantage. In this case, that means him setting up an attack by Magneto's team. Nightcrawler, Monet, Sabretooth, and Arcangel each storm in and release Fantomex. This officially sets off the war part of X-men Civil War II. It may have taken a while to unfold, but fuck if it isn't satisfying.

It has Sabretooth vs. Old Man Logan. It has Storm vs. Arcangel. It has Magik vs. Monet. It even has Mystique vs. Gambit and who doesn't want to see a bitter old woman deck the guy who tries to constantly screw her daughter? It's as satisfying as it sounds. While X-men do fight each other a lot these days, so do other heroes. It's an obscenely common theme in an event called Civil War. That's what makes it so fitting.

As much fun as it is seeing X-men fight X-men, even when it's the racist xenophobic slave-owners who are fucking them over, there are real tactical mechanisms in play here. As the X-men are making life that much easier for the racist xenophobic slave-owners, a few decide to actually do something. With Storm's team distracted, Magneto and Rachel Grey head towards Attilan to confront the racist xenophobic slave-owners and their newest weapon. It's still strange, rooting for Magneto this much, but he's too damn competent and too damn reasonable this time. A holocaust survivor against racist xenophobic slave-owners? No contest.

So...is it awesome?

Well for one, it's refreshing to see Storm show some backbone against Medusa. Sure, they're just a few sparks and she still gives the impression that she's not willing to lick Medusa's asshole clean if she were to ask, but she doesn't just bend over and take it. She has slightly more dignity than a gimp in a German fetish porno. Even so, her side still fails to make any case that working with the Inhumans makes any fucking sense. They're still racist xenophobic slave owners who don't do jack shit when mutants are dying. Magneto rightly points this out and I can't disagree with him.

Beyond Storm showing at least some backbone, the action here is solid. Cullen Bunn once again arranges the story masterfully. It doesn't have any major "Oh fuck me with a telephone pole!" type moments, but he puts all the major players in place. He creates a solid, well-detailed plan that doesn't just involve X-men bitching at one another. It's the kind of refinement that makes Bunn the kind of X-men writer that you could share a glass of imported wine with. For that, Civil War II #3 has everything going for it, except overpriced cheese.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #2: Nuff Said!

There are only a handful of circumstances when we feel comfortable rooting for the bad guy. Who among us doesn't watch a typical slasher movie and root for the killer when they zero in on the douche-bag jock or the bitchy cheerleader? Those circumstances are few and far between though. So it's more than a little jarring when Civil War II got me siding with Magneto over Storm in the conflict.

Don't get me wrong. I'll gladly side with Storm in damn near anything, be it a superhero civil war or a pie eating contest. I just can't bring myself to side with her this time. She actually favors helping the Inhumans, even as they have the ultimate weapon on their side with Ulysses. Magneto's argument of, "let's not kiss the asshole that's shitting on us," just makes too much sense. The divide is now set and Civil War II: X-men #2 is ready to widen it. I don't know about Storm or those who support her, but I tend to distance myself from conflicts that may result in shit stains on my lips.

Regardless of my support or the possibility of getting shit on my face, I will always side with Storm when it comes to her and the X-men fighting the Brood. Turns out that Ulysses is still deciding to be helpful to everyone, including mutants, and that means predicting a Brood attack in North Carolina because I guess the Brood are pissed off about bathroom laws as well. Storm is only too happy to help Captain Marvel stop this shit storm before it gets too messy and I'm only too happy to see the X-men work with Captain Marvel. With Emma Frost missing and Magik being a demon-loving teenager, the X-men needs a strong, tough, sexy blonde on their side.

Anyone who has seen the X-men fight the Brood before won't see anything they haven't seen before. It still makes for some solid action, but that action ends up being secondary. While they're kicking some Brood ass, Storm lets it slip that they told Magneto about Ulysses. Captain Marvel, knowing that Magneto is a vindictive son-of-a-bitch, is probably inclined to bang her head against the nearest adamantium-laced wall. She knows as well any strong, tough, sexy blonde that vindictive old asshats like Magneto tend to fuck things up. She also knows they'll be lucky if he does it with his pants on.

It makes for a tough, but necessary conversation between Storm and Captain Marvel. In any other situation, their words would inspire thoughts of them oil wrestling naked on a beach in Tahiti. However, this is too relevant an issue within the context of Civil War II. Storm is reluctant to act against Magneto, not wanting to immediately assume he'll do the biggest dick move first. It shows she really is no Cyclops. He'd assume that shit and he wouldn't even need Captain Marvel to flash her tits to convince him. Again, I don't usually like disagreeing with Storm, but when Cyclops and Captain Marvel are on the same page, that's a big red flag.

On top of her reluctance to make necessary assumptions, Storm is also having a hard time keeping her team intact. The end of the first issue already demonstrated how her leadership skills have plenty of room for improvement. Nightcrawler decided that being on the side that works with the Inhumans, the same assholes whose giant fart cloud is killing their kind, isn't exactly good for his soul. So he ditches them and shows up at Magneto's base. He then goes onto make the most reasonable argument a Catholic can make on a non-contraceptive issue.

He makes an argument not unlike the one Tony Stark made in Civil War II #1. The Catholic in him isn't comfortable condemning someone for shit before they actually do it. He also isn't comfortable with the idea of the Inhumans controlling someone as powerful as Ulysses. If they wanted, they could just say that he had a vision about mutants going crazy and they need to be slaughtered. That or some lawyers from Disney will get to him and then mutants would really be fucked.

It's a powerful moment for a character in need of such a moment. It's also powerful in that Nightcrawler effectively establishes another side to the conflict in Civil War II, at least as it applies to the X-men. We all know where Magneto stands on anything that aids the Inhumans. This shows that others are capable of reaching similar conclusions without coming off as an asshole. In any conflict, that's an important thing to establish.

It's just as important to be ready to make a dick move the moment it becomes necessary. That means knowing the where and how of making such a dick move, which is where Fantomex comes in. Can you think of anyone more qualified to set up a dick move? I think not.

Magneto sends him to New Attilan, probably with a side-mission to take a shit in the Inhumans' living room and change their wi-fi passwords. Sure, he was a total dick in Apocalypse Wars and has been a generally oversized dick since Uncanny X-Force. However, so long as his dickisness is directed at the Inhumans, I can't help but root for him. Just typing that makes me throw up a little on my mouth.

Turns out Magneto isn't the only one preparing for a dick move against the Inhumans. Storm doesn't have anyone who's as big a douche as Fantomex, but she is friends with Gambit and that's close enough. She sends him to confront Fantomex and it goes about as well as Shaqille O'neil's rap career.

They start fighting. The ladies are probably disappointed to see that their pants stay on. I know Channing Tatum fans are still prepping their panties for a potential Gambit movie, but this only offers a fraction of that sexiness. It's actually the first time Gambit has helped Storm's team in any capacity since Secret Wars. He picks a damn good time to get up off his ass and do something because any side that has Fantomex is likely a side that's going to frustrate Storm in the immediate future. Good thing her hair is already white. 

The fighting here is covert and subtle, something that helps set it apart from a typical clash against the Brood. There's some nice banter between the two. Some heads get busted. Some noses get broken. This all happens while the Inhuman guards come off as competent as a Paul Blart style mall cop. It's rare that the Inhumans come off as anything other than Marvel's most cherished bitches these days so I'll take this while I can. It only gets a little messy when Fantomex forgets how Gambit can make shit blow up and not just women's panties. I still have a hard time rooting for Storm's side, but when Fantomex gets his ass kicked, I'm all for it.

So take comfort, Channing Tatum fans. Gambit wins this round. He kicks Fantomex's ass, knocks him out, and gets him out of New Attilan before the Inhumans have yet another reason wave their dicks in the face of the entire mutant race. Odin knows they don't need more of that. Gambit coordinates with O5 Jean to get the fuck out of there, but not before revealing that they've already lost some support among their ranks with Nightcrawler. That should be the second sign that they're about to walk right into a shit storm and since they're on the side of helping the Inhumans, they're going to come out stinking more than most.

Psylocke, for one, is not fond of excessive shit stains. She's also not fond of Magneto starting another war. It's not like the mutant race is equipped to win jack shit at this point. They've go the Inhumans, the Avengers, and Disney's legal team working against them. At this point, they might as well be the Cleveland Browns of the Marvel universe. On top of that, he works with Fantomex. That alone is reason enough for Psylocke to get the fuck out of there and spit in Magneto's face in the process.

It leads to a tense confrontation with Sabretooth. However, he knows he's ill-equipped to fight a badass psychic ninja. It's another solid moment of drama where we see dissent among the ranks of the X-men. Neither side seems able to generate a consensus of any kind and when you can't get consensus on a team with powerful psychics, then you've got a big fucking problem. At a time when the Inhumans get to play in the Marvel universe with cheat codes, you can't afford too many problems.

To his credit, Magneto doesn't add to these problems by going after Psylocke. He doesn't even crash the X-jet she steals. I get the sense he's saving a dick move like that for someone who deserves, namely the Inhumans. He's still down one badass psychic ninja. Not to knock Nightcrawler or anything, but Psylocke looks better in a thong and kicks more ass. So Magneto needs other allies to fuck over the Inhumans and honestly, I'm eager to see him tap every one of them. We know Marvel will let the Inhumans win by default, but we can at least trust Magneto to put up a decent fight.

So...is it awesome?

Well nobody's face is covered in shit just yet, but the approaching stench is clearly there. Again, Bunn does not rush things. He actually takes the time to lay out the differing sides within the X-men. What a fucking concept, right? Actually taking time to flesh out certain characters and explore their thoughts? Does he think this is a Brett Ratner movie or something? I'll set aside the sarcasm for a moment and just say there's a time for patience in a story. In a porno, it doesn't work. In a major tie-in story with a major crossover event, it does. It's really that simple.

Aside from a clash with the Brood, the action in Civil War II: X-men #2 was limited. However, the tension and the growing divide between the two teams of X-men escalates in a major way. Lines are drawn. Both sides try to stop one another before the shit starts flying. They only really delay it. The dramatic angle is the biggest appeal of this issue, but there's little doubt that asses are about to be kicked. Friendships are about to be strained. Balls are about to be busted and without Emma Frost no less. In other words, stock up on rubber boots and air freshners. Shit is about to get real.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Divisions in a Dystopian Present: Civil War II: X-men #1

The following is my review of Civil War II: X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It's an unspoken rule that no superhero team can say they've arrived until they experience a dystopian future. By that standard, the X-men are seasoned pros. There are so many dystopian futures that the Watcher probably gets migraines keeping track of them. Another dystopian future for the X-men at this point has about the same impact as shooting Deadpool in the head. It's so routine that it's downright boring.

That's what makes the setup for Civil War II: X-men #1 so intriguing. This isn't a dystopian future for the X-men. This is a dystopian present. Granted, the present is rarely ideal for the X-men. Killer robots attack at least once a week and the Xavier Institute gets blown up every couple of months it seems. However, the current status quo for the X-men and the mutant race as a whole is as dire as any future that doesn't involve a Brett Ratner movie.

Between the off-screen death of Cyclops and the spread of M-pox, the X-men's present has a lot of room for improvement. That makes their role in Civil War II more meaningful than most. They have reasons for improving the present beyond preventing another Thanos attack. The ethics, context, and consequences of utilizing an Inhuman who can accurately predict the future remain central to the themes of Civil War II, but those themes take on new dimensions with Civil War II: X-men #1.

The sequence of events and the ramifications of these events closely mirror those of Civil War II. The conflict is built around a threat that is resolved with stunning efficiency by Marvel standards. This efficiency is due to the foresight provided by Ulysses, an Inhuman who can predict the future in ways that stock brokers can only dream of. It's not on the same level of a renegade Celestial, an vindictive Thanos, or drunk Juggernaut, but it's a conflict that sets the right stage.

Cullen Bunn even makes the conflict relevant to ongoing struggles in recent X-men comics. The Terrigen Mists are still circling the Earth, poisoning and sterilizing mutants in ways that can't be blamed on Wanda Maximoff's mental health this time. Bunn's team in Uncanny X-men and Jeff Lemire's team in Extraordinary X-men are both major players in this struggle, but they've never crossed paths or coordinated until Civil War II: X-men #1. It's overdue, but Bunn makes it worth the wait.

The coordination between teams is friendly at first, at least as much as any team-up where one side employs Magneto and Sabretooth. They work together to do what X-men have always done, protecting innocent mutants from a looming threat. They succeed in this. Bunn even takes time to show that characters in both teams still have close connections with one another. It's a small, but vital detail because it adds weight to the argument that forms.

Once the innocent mutants are safe and Magneto's team starts asking questions, the friendly team-up ends and another civil war within Civil War II begins. It happens the moment Magneto's team learns about Ulysses, thanks to some psychic insight from Psylocke and Monet. What he learns concerns him and for once, Magneto's concerns are actually valid. For a character whose concerns usually revolve around terrifying the entire human race, this is pretty striking.

Bunn utilizes the same dynamic that Brian Michael Bendis is using in Civil War II. There are two sides to a difficult issue. Both sides make a valid point. Only circumstances, luck, and tragedy can vindicate one side over the other, as the friends of War Machine can attest. In this case, the argument isn't just about using Ulysses' foresight to predict the future and avoid further sterilization efforts. It builds on the nature of the dystopian present the X-men now operate in.

It's very reflective of the classic conflict between Charles Xavier and Magneto. Storm favors cooperation with the Inhumans to improve the current situation for mutants. Magneto favors any other approach that won't aid the very group responsible for unleashing the Terrigen Mists. While the conflict lacks the natural charms of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, it remains very relevant and incurs a dramatic impact.

Unlike the Xavier/Magneto dynamic, both sides come off as reasonable. One side doesn't seem more inclined to hijack nuclear missiles or crash a metal asteroid in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It's the key ingredient to the chaotic concoction that makes the concept of Civil War II so dramatic. Both sides have a point to make. Both sides have a reason for fighting for their side of the argument. It's destined to pit heroes against heroes and friends against friends. In that respect, Civil War II: X-men #1 is right on schedule.

Bunn doesn't waste time creating disagreements between the two teams. He doesn't waste time having some characters question their allegiance either. It's a messy situation that feeds off the dystopian circumstances surrounding the X-men. It gives the divide between teams a level of dramatic weight that isn't possible in a setting where the mutants aren't being sterilized and current members of the X-men aren't time-displaced.

Civil War II: X-men #1 succeeds at achieving its primary goals. It effectively injects the primary conflict in Civil War II into the X-men's current predicament. Some of the secondary goals fall somewhat short. Aside from Magneto and Storm, few other characters get a chance to say or do much. In addition, the interactions between the two teams feels muted in some areas. While their arguments are meaningful, the instigating conflict never feels like too great a spectacle.

It's the early stages of Civil War II. Characters are still choosing their sides, weighting the benefits, and wondering how likely it is that Tony Stark can win two Civil Wars in a row. In Civil War II: X-men #1, the stakes are a bit higher for the X-men. Their entire race is already sterilized, exiled, and marginalized. They really can't afford to make things any worse, lest their dystopian present becomes overly apocalyptic.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #1: Nuff Said!

Let's not beat around the bush or get all JFK here. The X-men are fucked. There's no conspiracy about it. They really are more fucked than a two-dollar whore. Thanks to the movie rights and the shit head lawyers who enforce them, it's safe to assume that the X-men will always be fucked, no matter what the circumstances. That extends to Civil War II. How could it not? It centers around a fucking Inhuman. So yes, the X-men will be fucked in every hole and possibly a few new holes. However, that doesn't mean Civil War II: X-men #1 can't be awesome. It just means that it can only be awesome in the context of the X-men being fucked.

Within this context, there are those content to sit on the fences and wait for the shit storm to pass. It's a dick move, but it's also uncomfortably smart. It's also a good survival skill for those not used to fighting killer robots. A bunch of rich mutant douche-bags in Dubai understand this so they've sealed themselves off in a building, stocked up on overpriced wine and caviar, and are prepared to wait it out while the X-men wade through the shit. Yes, they're douche-bags, but they're smart douche-bags. Like shitty CEOs who still manage to get paid after being fired, they can laugh all the way to the bank and whatever private island they happen to own.

I'm guessing Magneto and his team of renegade X-men are Bernie supporters because they decide to barge right in on this douche-bag party, carrying a bunch of poor mutants who don't own yachts along the way. The rich asshole mutants are understandably concerned that these poor mutants might track dirt on their oriental rugs and eat all their caviar, but unlike Bernie, Magneto is a bit more convincing with his arguments. There's no Hillary Clinton to protect them this time.

As these rich mutants are trembling in their Italian shoes, they find out that their dick move of a plan to wait out the shit storm has a huge fucking flaw. It turns out the servants they have serving their food, pouring their wine, and cleaning their toilets are sentinels in disguise. Honestly, I'm a little conflicted here. Killer robots or rich douche-bags? Which is worse? I am not sober enough to figure that out.

Just like that, the rich mutant assholes are glad that Magneto and his team came barging in on their little bunker. He and his X-men fight these sentinels in a brief, but intense battle. They're more than equipped to handle a few sentinels and they didn't need a bunch of rich assholes to pay them. Bet none of their butlers would ever give them that.

The problem is this battle is taking place within a confined area, just as a cloud of Inhuman farts descends over the city. So all the Sentinels have to do is break a window. A kid with a baseball bat and a shitty batting stance can do the same. Just break a window and let the Inhuman farts do the rest. Again, it's a dick move, but it's smart. Can't remember the last time I said that about a killer robot and I've seen every Terminator movie.

Magneto and his X-men look fucked even more than they're used to. That's when they get a lucky break from the Extraordinary team. For some reason, they're in the neighborhood and offer a hand. They help protect the innocent mutants, destroy the sentinels, and protect them from the Inhuman fart cloud. It's a friendly gesture to their fellow mutant. That or they're just bored on a Sunday afternoon. When they live in a fucking demon realm, I imagine that happens a lot.

There's some decent action. Nothing as epic as Wolverine in a drinking contest with Thor, but still plenty enjoyable. It's a very simple, very basic act for the X-men. They protect innocent mutants and try not to get screwed worse than they already are. The fact that nobody ends up dead off-panel, sterilized, or time-displaced is a victory in and of itself.

Within this battle, there are also a few solid character interactions. Psylocke and Nightcrawler have a nice reunion. It acts as a reminder of sorts that the Extraordinary team and the Uncanny team operate very differently from one another. They haven't really interacted much since Secret Wars ended and Cyclops became more evil than Comcast's technical support. So this is kind of an overdue moment, but it comes together nicely and Cullen Bunn handles the interactions well. At the very least, he shows that both teams are united in their efforts to protect innocent mutants.

Some interactions fall a bit flat though. Old Man Logan and Sabretooth actually interact in this battle. Usually when Sabretooth and any version of Logan interact, it's a big fucking deal. It's kind of glossed over here though. They do bark at each other, as old enemies tend to do, but not much more than that. The focus is mostly on protecting mutants and destroying killer robots, which always takes priority.

The battle eventually ends. The mutants are safe. The X-men are safe. Nobody dies, gets sterilized, or gets killed off-panel. It's a great day for the X-men and a shitty day for Brett Ratner. For a moment, it seems the X-men make it through a day without getting screwed over worse than they already are. There's still the strange matter of the Extraordinary team showing up just in time to save Magneto's team from being choked by Inhuman farts, but that sort of shit happens every time in a re-run of Superfriends. The heroes always show up in time for no reason to save the day. Can they leave at that and be happy?

Short answer, fuck no. As they're all enjoying this moment of momentary unity, Monet senses the truth. The Extraordinary team didn't just aid them because they got bored talking to demons in Limbo. They had some foresight, thanks to Ulysses. The X-men played a part in the first part of Civil War II. O5 Jean even met the newest Inhuman who made sure a Celestial didn't wipe his ass with Earth's asses. That same Inhuman gave them the warning they needed to save the Uncanny team from being poisoned by Inhuman farts. Given that the Inhumans are responsible for their current status of being way more fucked than usual, it's kind of awkward.

Thanks to Monet and Psylocke's telepathy and O5 Jean Grey's direct involvement in the events of Civil War II, Magneto's team gets a full refresher course in the events if Civil War II. They find out who Ulysses is, what he can do, and how he already managed to save the world with his power. It's kind of sobering because it means that without him, Magneto's team would've died at the hands of Inhuman farts. Short drowning in Blob's toilet, it's a bad way to go for any mutant.

It leads to a major argument between the two teams, despite having just worked so well together to save a bunch of innocent mutants. This isn't Wolverine versus Cyclops over who gets to see Jean Grey naked. This is Magneto and Storm, arguing about the merits of helping the Inhumans or letting them have an asset like Ulysses. It's a powerful argument and for once, Magneto is the more reasonable side. Yes, the man famous for villainous performances from Michael Fassbender and Ian McKellan is the more reasonable one here. Let that shit sink in for a moment.

He points out one too many valid facts. The Inhumans are responsible for the current shitty state of mutant affairs and they aren't doing jack shit to help. They're celebrated, welcomed, and subject to no killer robot attacks while mutants have to live in fucking Limbo. Now, they've got the ultimate weapon on their side, ensuring they can never be beaten. After losing one war against the Inhumans, why the fuck would any mutant want to give them a greater edge?

I'm sorry, Storm. You have a great ass, great hair, and you made me forget about Hallie Berry's performance in Catwoman, but you're wrong here. Helping the Inhumans is like giving a tax break to the Bill Gates. It's creating way more problems than it solves.

The teams part on a bitter note. Storm and her team go back to a world where they tolerate letting the Inhumans shit all over them. Meanwhile, Magneto and his team discuss what to do about this newest Inhuman. He's already seen how the Inhumans can fuck over the mutant race and still be called heroes despite it. He's more than a little uncomfortable with them having an asset like Ulysses on their side.

Again, everything he says is perfectly valid. I really don't like agreeing with Magneto this much, but he's right. There's no way around it. I'm not the only one who sees that too. In the middle of discussing how fucked they are, Nightcrawler shows up and says he's sick of being fucked over by the Inhumans as well. He'll gladly work with Magneto to help prevent mutants from being screwed any further. When Nightcrawler, a devout Catholic and a very forgiving person by nature, has had enough of the Inhumans' shit, you know the X-men are fucked.

So...is it awesome?

It sets the stage for every member of the X-men getting pissed at Magneto. That on its own is nothing new. Shit, that's the basis of no less than 75 percent of every major X-men event. However, what sets Civil War II: X-men #1 apart is that Magneto is...well, kind of right. There's nothing he says that anyone, even an omega level psychic, can disagree with. Working with the Inhumans is kind of like lubing your own asshole up in prison. No matter how shit turns out, you're fucked in the worst possible way.

It's a powerful, compelling setup for the X-men. It ties in nicely with the ongoing conflicts in Civil War II while building on the X-men's current struggles in semi-dystopian present. Sure, the X-men are still fucked. Sure, there's nothing they can do until Marvel can make more obscene profits from movie deals. That still doesn't stop Civil War II: X-men #1 from being awesome. It sets up a simple, basic clash between Magneto and the X-men. What more do X-men fans want that doesn't involve Emma Frost's tits?

Final Score: 8 out of 10