Not-So-Epic Showdown: Wolverine #12

The following is my review of Wolverine #12, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In video games, the final showdown against the final boss is the culmination of a long journey that included various dungeons, mini-bosses, and cheat codes where necessary. The quality of the game is often measured by how satisfying that final fight is. If the final battle ends and all those tedious levels before felt worth it, then that's the sign of a great game. That's why Mario beating Bowser or Link beating Gannon never gets old. The journey each character takes to get to that final battle makes it worthwhile.

The same concept applies to comics, minus the cheat codes and frequent price gouging on hardware. It's also why there can be dozens of stories where Wolverine and Sabretooth try to kill each other and yet they're still compelling. The concept is amplified when an entire series is built around setting up what's supposed to be the biggest battle to date between these two characters. It would be like having multiple Mario games where each game only got the player a step closer to the final showdown against Bowser. It's needlessly elaborate and requires way more of an investment on the part of the consumer, but it would still be a price worth paying if that final battle is worth it. However, by following this model, Wolverine #12 is a ripoff on the level of the old ET Atari game.

This latest Wolverine series was built around Wolverine having lost his healing factor and having been humiliated by Sabretooth. From the first issue on, the story has centered around Wolverine seeking a rematch against his arch nemesis. He went to needlessly elaborate lengths, pretending to quit the X-men and teaming up with a rag-tag group of super-powered nobodies that have the name recognition as a stunt double in a James Bond movie. At times, the lengths Wolverine went to made for compelling development where he learned to cope with his newfound mortality. But all that development might as well have been side-quest in this issue.

The setup was already painfully familiar. Sabretooth lured Wolverine to a mall full of civilians, just like he did in their previous fight. And like last time, he has a hostage that keeps him from fighting with reckless abandon. But unlike last time, he's armed with an exotic alien weapon that he can use to summon an infinite amount of alternate versions of himself and others. It's like having an unlimited item duplication code in a Pokemon game. He uses it to great effect, turning this army of duplicates against SHIELD and all the backup Wolverine brought with him. But like a sushi chef trying to cut up vegetables with his fingernails, Sabretooth doesn't use this weapon against his arch rival.

That's not to say Sabretooth prefers a fair fight. In fact, his preferences aren't even that clear. He just lets Wolverine get under his skin to the point where he sets this potent alien weapon aside and decides to fight the same way he's always fought (and lost) against Wolverine. It would be like a football team making it all the way to the Superbowl and cutting their star quarterback just before kickoff.

There's no believable reason for why Sabretooth takes this approach. There's also no believable reason why Wolverine would be just as foolish and agree to shed the special armor he had been wearing to compensate for his lost healing factor. There's no epic trash talk. There's no berating each other or reflecting on their bloody history. They just taunt each other in ways that would never make it into a rap album and that's somehow enough to get them fighting. They might as well have insulted each others' mothers because that's how shallow their dialog was.

And even when they start fighting, it's nowhere nearly as epic as it was set up to be. There's a distinct lack of visceral anger and heightened emotions. It doesn't at all come off as a battle between two rivals that have been trying to maim each other for decades. It feels more like a glorified bar fight over which brand of light beer tastes best. There's no blood, no yelling, and no passion. It's like a Die Hard movie that was watered down to a PG rating. Nothing about it felt epic. Nothing set it apart from the many other brawls that Sabretooth and Wolverine have fought.

There were any number of chances for the fight to escalate to the levels that had been promised. All those chances were basically thrown away when this passionless brawl ended in the most generic way possible. There was no brutal disembowelment or bloody decapitation. Wolverine just landed one lucky punch that Mike Tyson probably could have landed way sooner and that was enough to knock Sabretooth out. And this is the same Sabretooth that hasn't lost his healing factor. It would be like 1980 US Olympic hockey team beating the Soviets after one period on a technicality. It's incredibly unsatisfying to the point where no amount of Kurt Russell movies could ever make it feel epic.

The potential was definitely there for Wolverine #12. The setting and the emotions were all in place. But it all went to waste. It wasn't mishandled or destroyed either. It was just flat out ignored. It's like lottery winner spending millions of dollars on their dream home and opting to live in the dog house. There was no emotional weight to the struggle and little impact from its aftermath. This was set up as the most important chapter of the Wolverine/Sabretooth rivalry to date. In the end it barely qualified as a footnote.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #12

I often have nightmares of waking up in the principals office of my old high school. I'm 16-years-old again, I've just been caught stealing the cheerleaders' underwear for the fourth time, and one of the cheerleaders happen to be my gym teacher's daughter. I know I'm really fucked. I know it's going to be bad. No matter how long I live or how long the alcohol and blow take to kill me, my worst hell will go back to moments like that. For a guy like Wolverine who dealt with the equivalent of asshole principals armed with killer robots, I'm sure his version of hell is a lot worse. At the same time, it always comes back to Sabretooth, who is like an asshole principal armed with an atomic bomb. Since Wolverine lost his healing factor, everything has revolved around getting back at Sabretooth. He's gone to great lengths to put himself in a position to make him want to throw himself into a meat grinder to be served as hot dog filling for Raiders fans. Well Wolverine #12 promises to be the end of that journey.

It hasn't been a smooth journey to say the least. At times, it has been like driving an old pickup truck over a road paved with bowling balls. Wolverine pretended to ditch his friends, then he didn't. He boned another woman and got a tattoo along the way. At times it felt no different than an all-nighter in Vegas, but now the party is over. The big showdown is here. I've got my popcorn, my whiskey, and an ice pack for my balls if necessary. If I get to use all three, I'll know if this was worth the complications.

From a purely tactical perspective, Sabretooth has employed a strategy that would make General Patton proud. Armed with the alien weapon, he has isolated his enemy from any support. He's created an impenetrable shield around the mall where he and Wolverine are trapped with dozens of innocent civilians. He also uses the weapon to summon an army of alternate versions of those allies so they'll be too busy to help him. It's probably only slightly more effective than an army of ninjas defend him, but I give it points for creativity. It does exactly what Sabretooth needs it to do, ensuring the battle is just between him and Wolverine. Sure, he had to go to excessively elaborate measures, but it's probably still cheaper than paying an army of ninjas.

That doesn't mean Sabretooth has shunned ninjas entirely. He still has a few guarding him while he's using the alien weapon to keep everyone outside the barrier occupied. He also still has Pinch's daughter as a hostage. He has every possible advantage. He also won't shut up about creating a new world for himself, one where Wolverine dies a terrible death every hour and beautiful naked women roam the planet with whiskey dripping from their nipples. It's the kind of ambition that he essentially plagiarizes from the Red Skull or Loki, making him feel less like Sabretooth and more like just another guy begging to French kiss the business end of Wolverine's claws. It's a trend that has been unfolding throughout this series. It does little to make Sabretooth more compelling as a character, but it gives Wolverine yet another reason to kick his ass because he can never have too many of those.

After a few more annoying monologues from Sabretooth, Wolverine finally gets into position to get this pay-per-view worthy event going. All the civilians that could've been caught in the crossfire have conveniently gotten away. Now Sabretooth is isolated in the open, surrounded by only a couple of ninjas and a little girl. It's a strategy that would make General Patton roll his eyes because it essentially ignores what could have been a much more chaotic fight. Instead, Wolverine just decides to wait until Sabretooth is about to kill Pinch's daughter before throwing the first punch. It's as predictable as it sounds. But at least that means the battle can officially begin, right?

Wrong. This is where the pay-per-view scale of this Wolverine/Sabretooth battle starts to feel like a bigger ripoff than a pack of used Q-tips. The battle outside with all the alternate versions of Lost Boy, Pinch, Thor, and anyone else who decided to help contributes nothing. It just serves to ensure that everybody else stays busy and doesn't bother Wolverine and Sabretooth. Then after Wolverine makes quick work of the three or four ninjas protecting Sabretooth, they just start talking.

That's right. They don't tear into each other like a drill sergeant at a camp for fat kids. On top of it all, Sabretooth says that he has the power to remake the whole fucking world with the alien weapon in his hand. He doesn't even need to fight. He just needs to flip the proverbial switch and the next thing he knows, he's in a world where every river flows with whiskey and Wolverine's blood. Then Wolverine points out that he can't remake his world with him still in it. For some reason, Sabretooth has to kill Wolverine first before he makes this world. Anyone looking for an explanation here can smoke all the dope they want. They're not going to find it. For some reason, this alien weapon isn't powerful enough to get the job done while Wolverine is still breathing. If it were a new smart phone, I would have kept the receipt and traded it for an old iPhone. It does finally get Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting, but not with the same emotion that we had hoped.

Nothing they say to each other builds up the big moment whatsoever. The only thing it accomplishes is getting Wolverine to ditch the special armor he's been using to compensate for his lack of a healing factor. That's like daring someone to fight a tank with a butter knife. Taking that dare isn't a show of badass toughness. It's a show of Jackass style stupidity and not in the way that'll make anyone laugh. All it accomplishes is getting Wolverine in his underwear. The ladies might enjoy it, but anyone looking for Wolverine to fight smart will be pissed off.

And Wolverine choosing the dumbest possible means of attacking Sabretooth isn't even the worst part. All the talking they did that led up to this stupid decision didn't really amount to much. All the history and hatred these two have for one another is supposed to make it one of the greatest rivalries in the history of comics. But none of that shows in a word they say. It's just Wolverine taunting Sabretooth about how he would make a shitty god to a new world. That's like George W. Bush saying, "We may have mismanaged Iraq." It's one of those "No shit!" moments that really doesn't need to be belabored. There are so many other things they could have said to add some fuel to this battle. But all it did was show that Wolverine and Sabretooth would make shitty motivational speakers.

The big battle finally begins. It's pretty basic, but still fairly detailed. Wolverine and Sabretooth punch, kick, slash, and scratch at each other as they've done countless times before for far less compelling reasons. But at no point does it feel anywhere near as epic as it was built up to be. Hell, the fight between Cyclops and Wolverine was far more epic in Schism and they were on the same fucking team at the time. It's not very bloody. It's not very brutal. It's like a PG-13 version of a slasher movie. It so watered down that it feels like a rip-off. Even when Wolverine throws in a little inner monologue, it adds nothing whatsoever. It just makes keeps this fight and a disappointingly pitiful scale.

But the most disappointing part by far is saved for the ending. Like every shitty sports movie made since the Mighty Ducks, Wolverine manages to overcome the fact that he's in his fucking underwear and has no healing factor to deliver the knock-out blow to Sabretooth. There's still no blood. He doesn't cut him in his jugular. He doesn't try to decapitate him the way he's done in the past. He just hits him with one punch to the jaw. Let me say that again. He hits Sabretooth with one fucking punchy. And somehow that's enough to knock him out. Sabretooth, the guy who is at least two feet taller and has a healing factor, gets knocked out by a single punch from Wolverine to end what was supposed to be such an epic fight. That's the ending the final episode of the Sopranos with some overly ambiguous fade to black. Okay, bad example.

It is by far one of the most disappointing final battles in quite some time. This whole series was built around the premise of Wolverine seeking a rematch with Sabretooth after he got humiliated in their last encounter. They went to all these crazy, fucked up lengths make it happen, going so far as Wolverine pretending to quit the X-men. And in the end this rematch was about as epic as a Happy Days rerun. Nothing was really accomplished. Wolverine beat up Sabretooth, stopped him from using an alien weapon, and saved Pinch's daughter. And he did it in the most boring way possible. If it were a Disney movie, even kids would say, "Well that sure was a waste of time." Anyone who had any excitement whatsoever for this battle would be better off watching reruns of Miami Vice.

Even after his victory, it doesn't get any more satisfying. Wolverine wins, he conveniently passes out from his injuries, and he wakes up in a hospital bed to find out from SHIELD that all the boring clean-up crap that nobody wants to read about has been taken care of. The alien weapon is contained and Sabretooth is in custody, as if that ever stopped him before. He even meets up with Pinch and Lost Boy. Even though he betrayed them, using them only to get to Sabretooth and putting Pinch's daughter in danger in the process, they shrug it off and wish him a fond farewell. There's being forgiving and then there are symptoms of severe head trauma.

There's no emotion here. Pinch and Lost Boy did nothing to endear themselves to Wolverine or anyone for that matter. They might as well have been stunt doubles. If these two never showed up in another comic book again, I don't think too many fans would get pissed. Then again, fans get pissed enough when Wonder Woman's uniform changes so it's hard to say.

There is still some effort to add meaning to the end. Kitty Pryde pays a visit to Wolverine while he's recovering. They have a little chat, but they don't say much. It basically amounts to Wolverine accepting his mortality, as if being beaten to death before didn't get the point across, and wanting to enjoy what little time he has left. There's really nothing groundbreaking about this. He probably could've come to the same conclusion from dry-humping Storm. While I do give some points for effort, it's a piss poor effort that doesn't come close to make up for a piss-poor conclusion to what had been set up to be anything but piss poor.

When I finished reading this book, I reacted the same way I imagine Warren Buffet acts when someone tells him he made another million dollars today. After so much build-up and so many elaborate, needlessly complicated plots, this final class between Wolverine and Sabretooth just fell flat. The alien weapon and the cut little hostage he went to such great lengths to torment did absolutely nothing for him in the end. It just turned into a typical Wolverine/Sabretooth street fight, one that could have easily have happened anywhere and for any reason. In the end Wolverine won, but it was about as satisfying as seeing the Yankees win another World Series. There was nothing epic about it. There was little drama surrounding it. They fought, Wolverine won, he headed up, and that's about it. There might have been some deeper symbolism to his victory here, but it's the kind of symbolism that adds nothing to the plot. It's like the plot just went, "Ah fuck it, let's just get this over with and get drunk."

So all that popcorn and whiskey I saved up for this blockbuster battle ended up going to waste. That in and of itself is a tragedy from which this book cannot be redeemed. Wolverine #12 gets a 4 out of 10. In the end this story is painfully simple. Wolverine battles Sabretooth. Wolverine wins and learns to appreciate his new limited life a bit more. That's it. There's no need to draw it out for 12 fucking issues and waste a bunch of perfectly good whiskey. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #11

Ever since Wolverine’s upcoming death was announced months ago, I’ve approached Wolverine comics the same way I approach a prostate exam. I know what to expect. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable, but I hold out hope that it can be awesome in a weird way if done right. The march to his inevitable date with the Grim Reaper has been chaotic. Sometimes it even feels like a drunk is leading the parade. But over the past few issues, things have finally started to sober up. The extent of Wolverine’s plan to confront Sabretooth has been revealed. He has reconnected with all the friends and allies who he went to great lengths to piss off. Now he’s got to work with those friends to take on Sabretooth as he prepares to take a huge shit all over New York City. It would be so exciting if the outcome hadn’t already been spoiled. That doesn’t mean it can’t be awesome. Wolverine #11 has a chance to prove that and I’ve made sure to keep an extra tube of lube handy just in case.

At the very least, it proves that Pinch is not capable of outwitting Sabretooth when he’s holding her daughter hostage. She knows that Sabretooth will use that alien device to paint New York City in his blood and jerk off with the entrails. She knows he’ll probably use it to do a salsa dance on top of Wolverine’s grave. But she has to help him anyways. She’s not Captain America or Superman. She’s just the latest woman to jump into bed with Wolverine and end up on Sabretooth’s shit list. It’s a pretty long list, but one that doesn’t afford her the luxury of making hard choices. For that, I can’t entirely blame her. She still has to know on some levels that Sabretooth is going to kill her and her daughter just for shits and giggles.

Flash back an hour ago and we see that Wolverine is prepared to unfuck the Sabretooth shit, with or without his healing factor. This time, he’s bringing backup. He’s got a fuckton of SHIELD personnel, courtesy of Nick Fury Jr., and Thor at his side. Sabretooth has a little girl for a hostage and Mystique, aka Mrs. Charles Xavier. It’s a very unbalanced fight to say the least, but it’s a fight with many personal dimensions. Nick Fury Jr. even points that out, which leads to a nice little exchange about bearing the burden of being a killer and learning how to live life without the ability to shake off gunshot wounds. It shows that Wolverine has come to accept his mortality, but he’s still willing to fight and be the same badass that he’s always been. Something about that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and for once it didn’t come from heroin.

Flash forward and Sabretooth is ready to get to work, killing more of Wolverine’s friends. He intends to start with Lost Boy, who bonded with Wolverine over beer and video games earlier in the series. He probably doesn’t recall those times very fondly because Wolverine ended up ditching the team and going back to the X-men, having basically used them as part of an elaborate plan to get to Sabretooth. But Wolverine does his part to make him seem like less a dick when he drops in and saves his hoodie-loving ass. He doesn’t bring his army. They have their role. Wolverine is keeping his parts of the battle personal, which he should. He’s screwed over enough people in his life. He doesn’t need anyone else aching for revenge.

Lost Boy doesn’t completely ignore Wolverine’s betrayal, but he doesn’t belabor it either. He’s a lot more reasonable than Sabretooth. Plus, they’re both surrounded by ninjas who still want to kill them. Forgiveness is a lot easier when surrounded by killer ninjas, I imagine. Wolverine doesn’t make a big deal about it either. He just joins Wolverine in killing ninjas, something I’m sure is a much better bonding experience than any video game that isn’t Call of Duty. Sabretooth is hardly surprised. I’m sure Wolverine’s appearance gave him a semi because just killing a woman and her daughter doesn’t do it for him anymore. Too bad Pfizer doesn’t make a pill for that.

While it is as fun a battle as Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas can be, it isn’t very epic in the classic Akira Kurosawa sense. However, it doesn’t have to be. There are plenty of stories that involve Wolverine fighting ninjas. They’re almost as overdone as slutty cheerleaders being slaughtered in slasher movies. What makes this fight and this overall battle feel meaningful is the personal aspects of it. Wolverine established some level of rapport with this team, even though it was all a bullshit ruse. He didn’t just love them and leave them like a Las Vegas whore. He cared enough about them to save them. That shows that while he’s no Goku, he does have a sense of honor to go along with his brutal badassery. That’s what makes him Wolverine.

On the other side of that coin, absurdly huge dick moves are part of what makes Sabretooth the unlovable bastard we all know him to be. He might be foaming at the mouth like a dog in a bacon factory, but he is still treating this like he’s about to fight the same Wolverine he humiliated recently in the Killable arc. He’s basically assuming that a Wolverine without a healing factor is no more dangerous than a bunch of hippies protesting an oil rig. The Offer says that’s a mistake. He makes a sound, logical case that Wolverine will use a different approach this time. And Sabretooth responds to this reasonable argument by flat out murdering his ass.

This is what makes Sabretooth such an unrepentant dick. He sees everyone around him as walking meat bags that he’ll throw in the deep fryer, even when he’s not hungry. He has no honor, no class, and no tact. I’m willing to guess that he has a very small penis as well because he has to be compensating for something pretty fucked up. That’s not to say he completely writes off the Offer’s warning. He just solves it with another dick move, taking Pinch’s daughter and basically using her as a meat shield so that any of Wolverine’s friends that tagged along have to be extra careful. Even if they are, that’s not going to stop him from making another massive dick move. That’s just what he does and sadly, he’s pretty damn good at it.

Now armed with a cute and adorable hostage, Sabretooth meets up with Mystique and takes the alien weapon. He wants to activate it, but only when he’s in the perfect position to maim Wolverine and everyone he holds dear. He tasks Mystique with slowing Wolverine down. I’m thinking he means try to bone him again. I think that might be pushing the power of her pussy. Then again, this is Mystique. She gave birth to Nightcrawler, Raze, and Xavier Jr. The power of her pussy is beyond dispute here.

There’s also still the matter of all the backup Wolverine brought with him. This gives Sabretooth a chance to show that he’s capable of sound tactics as well as dick moves. He unleashes Lord Deathstrike and Silver Samurai on the SHIELD army. This keeps the battle somewhat even, but it’s a battle that is poorly detailed and not very epic. It doesn’t have any of the personal elements that the others have had. It’s purely pragmatic, making sure that Sabretooth isn’t relying too much on Mystique or her pussy.

In the end, Mystique doesn’t get a chance to use the power of her pussy. Pinch allows them to skip the part where Mystique tries to kill him through a mix of strangulation and dry humping. She puts her in a great deal of discomfort before Wolverine can even pop a claw. She claims Wolverine might actually like the world Sabretooth is trying to create, but she might as well claim she can make soy milk taste good. It’s a somewhat inglorious role for Mystique, who hasn’t done much in this series other than give Sabretooth some eye-candy. I guess she’s busy being Mrs. Charles Xavier and pumping out evil children. That makes me feel somewhat less conflicted about seeing Pinch torture her ass.

After some moderate to severe brain damage, Mystique generously points them in direction Sabretooth went. SHIELD continues to play their supporting role, holding back the ninjas and giving Wolverine the time he needs to confront Sabretooth. It’s pretty pragmatic plan, although it is lacking details and scale in some areas. Sometimes it’s too pragmatic, giving the impression that it’s just fancy decorations around a plate of bacon. It doesn’t matter though. It’s still a plate of bacon. The bacon in this case is just another showdown with Wolverine and Sabretooth.

The pragmatic details get a little contrived along the way. Once Sabretooth activates the alien artifact, it conveniently creates a barrier that Pinch and Lost Boy aren’t able to pass through. That means Wolverine is on his own again and all that backup he brought can’t help him. They can only continue beating up the ninjas so they can’t help Sabretooth. It’s still a perfectly legitimate part of the plan, but it’s an awful lot of work to just get Sabretooth and Wolverine in the ring again. Inviting them both to a whiskey drinking contest would have worked just as well.

What keeps this setup from being too generic is that it still ends up being very personal. The site Sabretooth chooses to activate the weapon isn’t Times Square or a liquor store in Brooklyn. He does it in a mall. That might sound like a shitty place to hold the final showdown between Wolverine and Sabretooth, but it’s a place that recently became meaningful for both of them. When Wolverine first lost his healing factor, he took on Sabretooth in a mall. It was the first time he fought while being so vulnerable. Now, after all this time learning how to fight while being vulnerable, he’s in the same predicament. It might not be that pragmatic, but it couldn’t be more fitting without taking place in a brewery.

That tube of lube came in handy after all. This issue showed that a climactic battle need not be so big that it takes up an entire hemisphere to be epic. The battle between Wolverine and Sabretooth is epic enough from decades of bloodlust, bitterness, and bullshit. The strength of this story and the series as a whole has come from making Wolverine’s battles personal. It sure as hell didn’t start out that way and parts of it still make less sense than the plot of the last two Matrix movies, but it succeeded in making this drawn out battle between Wolverine and Sabretooth both personal and epic. This issue helped bring many parts of the story full-circle, albeit in a somewhat messy manner. It helped give this overall series the feeling of being Wolverine’s last great battle against Sabretooth. That will only help give meaning to Wolverine’s death in a universe where death is less meaningful than a trip to downtown Detroit. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself, which is why I give Wolverine #11 a 7 out of 10. So now the stage is set for one last battle between Wolverine and Sabretooth. I suggest Wolverine fans everywhere enjoy it while they can before Marvel resorts to retcons, clones, or time travel to undo it. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #10

And so the countdown continues to one of the least tense deaths since South Park started killing Kenny every episode. Since Wolverine’s impending death was announced and I began reviewing the series that would send him to his grave, there has been a distinct lack of enthusiasm among comic fans, myself included. Some will bitch and moan that death has become such a revolving door in comics that it’s not even worth getting worked up about. This sentiment has some merit, but that doesn’t mean a major death can’t be compelling. The circumstances with Wolverine are a bit different though. He’s one of Marvel’s most bankable characters so that means they’re sure as shit not going to keep him dead. The legions of women that touch themselves to the image of Hugh Jackman’s chest hair would riot. We all know he’s not staying dead. Plus, Marvel has already seen with Ultimate how a dead Wolverine tends to make a shitty series even shittier. I want to believe that they’re going to do something that will give his death some impact. The last issue actually made a good effort by bringing Rose into the mix. Wolverine #10 promises to raise the stakes, but I refuse to get too excited. That or I’ve got some kick-ass weed today.

It certainly helps that Wolverine is finally getting the rest of the X-men involved. Even though he flat out ditched them and didn’t even have the good sense to say he was going on a three-week bender in Madripoor, he has come crawling back to his former team. It’s not quite as pathetic as it sounds, even though Kid Omega answers the door in his underwear. It was already revealed several issues ago that Wolverine’s departure was part of an elaborate ruse to get close enough to Sabretooth to harvest his organs in ways that would disgust Hannibal Lector. He had his chance, but failed to maim him or stop him from obtaining a powerful alien weapon. Now that he plans on unleashing it on New York City, he needs the X-men’s help. It’s not pathetic. It’s downright practical.

It also helps that Wolverine actually takes the time to explain to his fellow X-men why he left. And remarkably, he doesn’t make light of it. It’s not something that is casually glossed over. He actually manages to sound strategic and even a little sympathetic, claiming that he needed it to seem genuine. At times, he admitted he got a little too genuine. But he makes it clear that he really does care about them and not just because they live in the same house where he keeps his beer. It’s not the most moving speech. It’s not Bill Pullman in Independence Day, but it gets the point across.

It doesn’t stop with a speech either. Wolverine also takes time to address his more personal affairs, which includes Storm. One of the major points of confusion I had when this series began was Wolverine boning some new woman and essentially ditching Storm. She’s a fucking goddess and he chose to shack up with some strange woman who doesn’t even have a nicer rack? I struggled to warp my head around that shit and I’m pretty sure most would expect Storm to tell Wolverine to fuck off when he tells her about Pinch. I’m pretty sure my ex-girlfriends would have done way worse. However, Storm has something none of my ex-girlfriends have. It’s a little something called heart.

She says outright that she and Wolverine never had a strong commitment. They weren’t married or anything. They never said outright that they were not going to bone anyone else. Unlike 98 percent of the women I’ve been involved with, she didn’t make the assumption that they were exclusive just yet. So when she basically uncovers what happened with Pinch, she doesn’t get mad. She doesn’t even say he’ll never see her naked again. She encourages him to deal with this situation, clear the air, and then they’ll have a chat about the future prospects of being naked in the same room. I didn’t think it was possible to love or respect Storm even more, but she once again proves why she’s a goddess worthy of worship. Sorry Thor. Sorry Odin. She’s just that much more awesome and she has a nicer ass.

While Wolverine humbles himself in front of his friends, Sabretooth is getting ready to do the exact opposite. He’s now in New York City armed with a creepy glowing orb that can create any alternate version of himself. In his hands, that’s a pretty potent weapon because it means he could overrun the world with AU Sabretooths until there’s nothing left by rivers of blood and the overwhelming odor of wet cats. Mystique, who is supposed to be his partner in crime and occasional fuck buddy, sees this as a way of furthering her goal of mutant dominance. But Sabretooth makes it clear that he doesn’t give a shit about mutant politics. He just wants to torment Wolverine. Nobody can say the man doesn’t have priorities.

The problem is that Sabretooth is banking that Wolverine is going to be pissed off and stupid enough to hunt him down on his own. Well, he must suck at blackjack because Wolverine does the exact opposite. Instead of shrugging off the help of his friends like he usually does and going solo, he seeks out more help. He even tries to get help from the same friends whose bar he fucked up when he got into a fight with Thor. I get the sense that he’s really pushing the value of his friendship, but I guess he’s vindicated when the ninjas attack. Let’s face it, ninjas had to attack at some point. It’s a fucking Wolverine comic.

So Wolverine get a chance to give the same speech he gave the X-men. Instead, the Hand makes his point for him. It doesn’t matter what his reasons were for being an ass before. Sabretooth is still going to try and fuck them up because they happen to be associated with Wolverine. He essentially ensures that they’ll hate Sabretooth way more than they’ll ever hate Wolverine. Wolverine may trigger bar fights, but he never sends an army of fucking ninjas to attack him. Sabretooth just gave them all the more reason to help Wolverine. I’m not sure he knows that his strategy backfired, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a shit.

It also turns out that these friends of his aren’t just random drinking buddies. One of them happens to be a vampire and not the kind that sparkle either. Yes, it is random. Yes, it probably panders needlessly to the Twilight and True Blood crowd. But it makes the battle against the Hand all the more bloody and for that, I’m okay with it. I’m as sick and tired of vampires as much as the next buy, but if it makes a ninja battle more awesome, I’m all for it.

As if a vampire wasn’t helpful enough against an army of ninjas, another one of Wolverine’s friends showed up. This time it’s Thor, who is like a billion vampires armed with a big ass hammer. This is the same Thor that roughed Wolverine up a few issues ago when he was still pretending to be the kind of asshole that abandoned his friends. And unlike most gods, Thor is pretty forgiving about it. I’m guessing he saw that someone had sent ninjas to attack Wolverine and that was proof enough to him that he’s still a good guy. Naturally, the ninjas know they’re outmatched against a full-blooded god so they retreat. No amount of ninja skills or magic can help him against this shit. And just like before, Wolverine doesn’t have to explain himself. Thor already understands. That probably means he got a few text messages from Storm and like most gods, Thor tends to heed the words of beautiful women.

But Thor doesn’t stop with helping Wolverine beat up ninjas. I’m pretty sure that’s something they do during the intermissions of hockey games. That text message from Storm must have also included a picture of her ass because Thor was nice enough to both forgive Wolverine and bring a huge fucking heap of backup to help him. That includes a large contingent of SHIELD agents, led by Nick Fury, the Sam Jackson version and not the David Hasselhoff version. It’s a pretty impressive army he’s got going for him. The X-men, his bar buddies, Thor, and SHIELD are now ready to help him maim Sabretooth into a bloody smoothie. Suddenly having an army of AU versions of himself doesn’t sound like much of an advantage.

It sends a message that hasn’t really been conveyed in this series or any Wolverine series for quite a while. While he may be the ultimate loner and a hell of an asshole sometimes, Wolverine has a lot of friends that care about him. They know he’s vulnerable. They know Sabretooth is going out of his way to kill him in an obscenely elaborate way. They know this is one of those things that Wolverine likes to do on his own, but now they’re ready to help him. It would be so heart-warming if Wolverine’s inevitable death hadn’t already been spoiled. But I guess the fact this might be his last battle alongside his friends helps add to that warm and fuzzy feeling. That or it’s just the cocaine talking. It might be a little of both.

Sabretooth is still working under the assumption that he’s only going to deal with Wolverine and not his friends. That promise to make his reaction to all the backup Wolverine brings with him all the more satisfying. That doesn’t stop him from making his plants obscenely ambitious. He doesn’t just want to see Wolverine die. He wants to essentially unleash a massive wave of natural selection on the world. He wants to create a place where tough, savage, brutal assholes like him reign supreme. It’s a world where lobbyists, fancy clothes, and a nice car do about as much as a well-made baseball bat. In that world, Sabretooth is basically the Koch brothers. It’s every creationists worst nightmare and for once, it’s not coming from Bill Nye.

But unleashing this perverse form of evolution just wouldn’t be a big enough dick move for Sabretooth. He still has to take it a step further so that he’ll have an even bigger boner when he dances on Wolverine’s corpse. That involves getting Lost Boy, Pinch, and her daughter involved. He already has them imprisoned and they’re understandably pissed off at Wolverine. Plus, having Pinch’s daughter only gives them even more incentive to get back at him. It’s cruel and sadistic, even for a guy with a ninja army at his disposal. But since Wolverine is set to die soon, Sabretooth can’t afford to half-ass it. Like a pending whiskey and bacon shortage, he has to act fast and show no mercy.

When this series first started, I was more than a little confused (and more than a little high) about how Wolverine ended up on a new team and why the fuck he left the X-men. I came pretty damn close to dropping this series because reading it stoned wasn’t making it less confusing. But it has steadily improved, getting to a point where it has established an emotional weight to Wolverine’s impending depth. That weight can only be so much since we know Marvel is not going to keep dead the same character that Hugh Jackman made so sexy to so many men and women alike, but it’s better than nothing. This issue felt like it brought Wolverine full-circle, having his friends and loved ones rally behind him despite the stunt he recently pulled. Sure, it’s a little contrived, but it shows just how much Wolverine has endeared himself to others, despite being a prick on so many occasions. While the story itself didn’t move forward by that much, it did set the tone in all the right ways. Plus, it established that Ororo Munroe is the ultimate girlfriend in the Marvel Universe who isn’t a shape-shifter. Sorry Emma Frost, but big tits only go so far. Yes, I said that and I stand by it. Wolverine #10 gets a 7 out of 10. This might be the most love Wolverine has ever gotten outside of Japanese whore house. Since he’s about to die, I say give it to him. Let him feel the love and maybe throw in an extra bottle of whiskey. That way he can die happy and hopefully take Sabretooth with him. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #9

Ninjas are like bacon bits for comic books. There are very few things that they can't make more awesome. I've always found ninjas to have greater personality than killer robots or blood-thirsty aliens. They're not as inept as faceless henchmen and they're more menacing than some alien with a complexion that looks like whale shit and Ron Jeremy's foreskin. Let's not lie to ourselves. Ninjas are basically just meat bags that fuel the action in most comics, but like the shit that fertilizes my pot garden, they're necessary. Ninjas have become Wolverine's main obstacle on his path to being the lasted high-profile character Marvel wants to kill to give the finger to Fox and boost sales. The end is drawing near as he gets help from friends like Iron Fist and Shang Chi to come to terms with the fact that he's going to take a dirt nap like everyone else and he'll do it without having banged Jean Grey. It's a story that has been inconsistent since it began, but I'm trying not to stay too sober as the end draws near. Wolverine #9 is supposed to be another stage in the acceptance process, but I'm not convinced that Wolverine is done being pissed off. At least with an army of ninjas, he has someone he can take it out on.

Even if he isn't done being pissed off, he's still Wolverine. That means he's going to be fucked up in many other ways. He already came face-to-face with death herself in the previous issues. And at the risk of pissing off feminazis more than they already are after reading Hillary Clinton's new book, I'll just say that's fitting in its own twisted way. Wolverine, still trying to get through the acceptance process, is going along with Death's morbid tour of his impending doom. Part of that tour involves copping a feel and stealing a kiss.

No, I'm not exaggerating or stoned (for the most part). This is actually how Death gets the ball rolling with Wolverine's little death tour. He's so sexy, even Death in a woman's form can't resist her. I imagine the same thing will happen when Hugh Jackman dies one day. Now this could still be just an illusion or a sign that someone spiked Wolverine's whiskey, but at the very least it reveals that Wolverine is becoming intimately more familiar with his death. How intimate, though, is a matter of one's obscenely perverse imagination.

It also wouldn't be a very comprehensive process for Wolverine if Sabretooth wasn't somehow involved in an effort to fuck it all up. He's in a very good position to do so, more so than usual. He already has Pinch and the Offer, two people Wolverine has screwed over and quite literally in some cases. Plus, Sabretooth has Pinch's daughter. Between her motherly instincts and her utter disgust at having let Wolverine lied her way into her panties, she has a lot of reasons to get back at him. And she also is capable of wielding that fancy alien orb that Sabretooth believes will allow him to fuck Wolverine over in the most efficient way possible. That doesn't stop him from taunting Pinch or making him easier to hate. I get the sense he's just making it so it'll be all the more satisfying when Wolverine eventually kicks his ass.

If Wolverine is to get that point, he's going to need some coaching and who better than Death herself? This actually involves more than a Rocky Balboa style mantra and shitty 80s music. She actually takes the time to break down some of Wolverine's recent actions, going all the way back to earlier in the series when he froze in the face of a Sentinel attack. She claims he was chasing her the same way he chases married redheaded women with big tits. She even claims that he hates being afraid of her and that's not at all unreasonable. He's never had to be afraid of her until recently. Hell, this is a guy who once had his entire fucking flesh blown off and he still survived. He used to be as afraid of death as most people are afraid of wounded kittens. Now those kittens have turned into blood-thirsty tigers on crystal meth.

It's actually a nice breakdown of what Wolverine has become since he has been rendered killable. It sort of feels like long overdue therapy and since even an army of Dr. Phils couldn't give Wolverine the pep talk he needs, he has to hear this from death herself. That's a fucked up extreme, but that doesn't make it any less effective. She gets in deep, going back to when he joined the X-men and what drove him to become the big time superhero that helped make Hugh Jackman famous. Yet no matter what he did, he was never as heroic as he wanted to be. She even proved that by tricking him into drinking some wine made up of the blood of his victims. It's a fucked up way to get her point across, but I imagine it's way more effective than hypnotherapy or yoga.

With all this therapy and personal exploration, I imagine some are getting anxious like me when I've had to go without whiskey for more than three days. This comic was supposed to promise therapy that involved killing ninjas and Wolverine hasn't even stabbed one yet. Well, the ninjas are there. They're still outside the temple and both Shang-Chi and Iron Fist have been handling them. It's not quite as epic as some might hope, but it really shouldn't be. The point of Wolverine's visit to this island was to come to terms with his killable form, not fight ninjas. Hell, fighting ninjas are essentially a bonus he encounters in pretty much every endeavor. I imagine his idea of a good date involves killing ninjas. We only get a few reminders that this battle is going on. There is some slight insight with Shang-Chi, but it really just acts as a reminder that they're doing more than acting as glorified ninja janitors, just not that much more.

Seeing two kung fu masters fight ninjas might not be as entertaining as it sounds, but it acts as a nice interlude before Sabretooth gets around to finalize his plans for tormenting more people. He's still not making himself any less an asshole in the eyes of Pinch, the Offer, and Lost Boy. He makes it clear that Pinch begging for her life and the safety of her friends gives him a massive boner. It's still not completely one-sided. Pinch shows that she does know how to negotiate. I think any woman willing to fuck Wolverine needs something like that, otherwise shit can get really kinky in the bedroom really fast. She doesn't have much leverage, but she does have plenty of incentive to help Sabretooth fuck over Wolverine. I think Sabretooth insists there be some sort of poetic justice in Wolverine meeting his end through the help of a woman he boned. It's like a reverse OJ Simpson, but with no expensive lawyers.

By the same token, the beautiful women that Wolverine has crossed paths with should also play a role in getting him through this battle. And that leads to what might be the best act of fan service that didn't involve Brittney Spears showing her tits at a concert. Just a few issues ago, Wolverine got a tattoo that referenced Rose, the proto-Jean Grey he met as a kid that revealed his penis really has a thing for pretty redheads. Well as part of his therapy, Death has Rose pay him a visit from the afterlife. It creates an epic moment that couldn't be matched by an entire army of ninjas.

At first, Rose is understandably hostile. Wolverine did fucking kill her after all. But Wolverine is given a chance to earn her forgiveness and as vindictive as some women can be, he makes a good case. He comes off as very heartfelt and sincere, highlighting her death and her life as a critical moment for him. And in many ways, it was. What happened to her was really the beginning of all things Wolverine. Since he's about to die, it couldn't be more fitting for him to reach out to Rose and lay these feelings to rest. It would be like Captain Kirk earning the forgiveness of every hot alien chick he ever boned. It's a beautiful moment, even if ninjas do show up to cut it short.

Yes, there are still ninjas that haven't been stabbed. Yes, it's impossible for Wolverine to have any kind of therapy that doesn't involve him stabbing someone. Absolutely none of that should surprise anyone, regardless of how unsober they may be. But Death makes sure that the battle with the ninjas doesn't get too messy. She likes to keep shit clean when she's fucking with prospective souls. And just like the Sentinel battle several issues back, Wolverine still hesitates during the battle. And he knows that if he hesitates when a fucking ninja attacks, then he's in deep shit. It's one thing to flinch around a killer robot, but a ninja? That's like Hugh Hefner not being able to get it up in a hot tub full of blondes.

But in addition to the ninjas, Wolverine gets an unexpected visit from the dead. And for once, it's not someone he killed or boned. It's Fuel, who Sabretooth kindly slaughtered during Wolverine's latest visit to Madripoor. He manages to slip out of the afterlife briefly and warn him that Sabretooth has Pinch and the rest of the team. That's probably something he neglected since he basically betrayed them. Having confronted Rose and committing to be less an asshole during his final days, he takes it upon himself to save them. He needs to at least earn the forgiveness of one woman he's screwed over, both literally and figuratively, while she's still alive.

Armed with this information and the new sense of self-awareness that Death helps him realizes, he leaves with her blessing. I'm sure if Death had panties, they would be very wet right now because she probably knows what he's in for. But Wolverine doesn't know and probably doesn't give as much a shit as most people who almost got killed by a ninja. He meets up with Iron Fist and Shang-Chi, who still contributed about as much as Ringo Starr in this story. Shang-Chi still does some musing, but only to the extent that it makes him and Iron Fist slightly less forgettable. Wolverine claims he's ready to start anew with a different outlook. Granted, it'll last about as long as the last Charlie's Angels reboot, but that doesn't make it less meaningful.

Now Wolverine has the mindset he needs to take on Sabretooth, probably for the last time. He even does a little Richard Sherman type trash talking, dumping a whole heap of dead ninjas on his front doorstep. Sabretooth isn't all that worried though. Hell, this kind of shit is to him what bacon on Jenna Jameson's tits is for me. With the Offer now his ally and Pinch's continued cooperation, he has all the right assets in place to confront Wolverine one last time. And naturally, he plans on doing so in New York City while armed with a fancy alien tech orb. I'm pretty sure Marvel made a movie with this same setup once. It involved Robert Downy Jr., Scarlett Johannsen, and Samuel L. Jackson I think. The name escapes me. But this is where Sabretooth wants to send Wolverine back to Death, preferably in pieces. I won't say it's fitting. I'll just say that Sabretooth could have picked a worse movie to rip off.

This issue accomplished two things that put a smile on my face and a boner in my pants. First, it highlighted some genuine personal development with Wolverine as he learns to accept the fact that he's now killable and has to fear death every time he drives down the Jersey Turnpike during rush hour like the rest of us. That's an important development in the scope of the story. Second, it provided awesome fan service by bringing Rose into the picture rather than just making her one of those passing references that anyone who hasn't read ever Wolverine comic since the first Bush administration would recognize. Rose's appearance really sold the weight of the story, so much so that the ninjas were a secondary concern. I can't remember the last time a book that involved fighting ninjas made the ninjas this much of an afterthought, but I'm not complaining. It's not like Marvel will ever have a shortage of evil ninjas to randomly throw into any conflict. The focus on Wolverine and his accepting of his fear of death marked a powerful moment that made it feel as though this comic was the final step towards Wolverine eventually bunking with the Grim Reaper. Now he just has to make sure Sabretooth suffers the agony of a trillion Justin Bieber concerts before that time comes. I give Wolverine #9 an 8 out of 10. We get ninjas, pretty redheads, and Wolverine brooding. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate his upcoming death without an Olympic sized swimming pool full of whiskey. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #8

Reading the Wolverine comics these past few months has been a lot like watching the first half-hour of a slasher movie. All the characters are in place. We then make note of the slutty girls and douche-bag jocks because we know their asses are going to get horribly butchered first. That's a given. It's how the ugly girls and dorky guys get through the last leg of the movie that makes the story. However, that's not what Wolverine now offers. Like the slutty girl and dumb jock, we know Wolverine is going to die. Granted, he's not going to stay dead. Hugh Jackman will probably refuse to show his bare ass in another X-men movie if Marvel does this and the reaction from women alone would raise unholy hell. But watching Wolverine work his way towards his impending death, trying to maim Sabretooth one last time, has not been without its moments. His new ongoing has finally become more organized to the point where I don't have to be sober when I read it. And now that his little ruse to the Offer has been exposed, maybe I can add a joint or two as I read Wolverine #8. It could end up being fucked up in an entirely new way, but that's never stopped me adding in an extra joint or two before.

Whereas a glass of wine or a nicely rolled joint can act as a good way to get a party going, Wolverine runs with a crowd that takes a different approach. While I don't deny that whiskey has its place in circles like his, I don't think anyone should be surprised that a few punches to the gut and a kick to the face counts as a handshake to some of his friends. That's exactly what he gets when he meets up with Iron Fist and Shang Chi on an island called Itsukushima. I have no fucking clue how to pronounce or even spell check that so I'll just make sure I tip the next Japanese hooker I see extra to make up for it. Given Wolverine's history with Japan, it's not an inappropriate setting. And given that he just betrayed his new team, including a beautiful woman who let him see her naked, a good ass-kicking is more than warranted.

Warranted or not, there is another reason behind Iron Fist and Shang Chi's rough greeting. In the same way a sleazy talent agent gets pretty girls to show him their tits, they use this well-deserved ass-kicking to assess Wolverine's current state. Being masters of Kung Fu, who are also probably Wolverine's Facebook friends, they know he has lost his healing and they notice that he now hesitates when he fights back. It's not the first time either. It happened earlier in this series with a Sentinel and if Wolverine is hesitating in the face of Sentinels and ninjas, then they know as well as him how fucked he is.

Aside from being highly handicapped in his usual badassery, Wolverine needs help from Shang Chi and Iron Fist to help him unfuck the situation he now finds himself in. Because of him, Pinch's daughter is in danger and Sabretooth is one step closer to taking a giant shit on everything he holds dear. He still wants to take down Sabretooth, but he might as well be hoping to beat up the 1985 Chicago Bears with a feather duster. He needs help and since he hasn't screwed over Shang Chi and Iron Fist yet, they agree to help him. They're the ones that suggested they meet on this island whose name I'll never be able to pronounce, even if I were sober. They claim death is forbidden on this land, which I guess would make it the ultimate retirement community. But since Wolverine contemplates retirement the same way Wesley Snipes contemplates his taxes, it's a given he probably won't stay.

It's also a given that the friends Wolverine screwed over are going have a lot of incentive to get him off that island as quickly as possible. At the end of the previous issue, Sabretooth revealed that he had Pinch's daughter. That pretty much ended the fight and forced Pinch and Lost Boy to surrender. Now she's trapped and surrounded by ninjas, but she still has something Sabretooth wants so they're both intact for now. And Sabretooth being Sabretooth, he has to let them know that he likes to play with his prey before he maims it. He's like a cannibal who enjoys jerking off on the bodies of his victims before he eats them. I'm sure Pinch was ready to throw up through her nose when she saw Sabretooth playing with her daughter. I'll bet she'll never claim that playing Grand Theft Auto games are as dangerous again. It's disturbing, but it gets the point across. Sabretooth is a psychopath and he's willing to do some pretty fucked up shit to get what he wants.

After Pinch is done throwing up, the Offer arrives. He's understandably worried, but probably only to the point that Donald Trump is worried that he'll run out of hair gel. He's still no Kingpin. He had no idea Wolverine would screw them over, but he probably should have. Since when has a former Avenger or X-man not screwed over a criminal? That's like hoping the IRS will forgive back taxes or a bank will forgive student loan debt. It just ain't happening. I want to say I have sympathy for the Offer, but there's only so much sympathy anyone can have for a guy who wears a suit that probably cost more than my last five mortgage payments.

I can't say I have much more sympathy for Wolverine either at this point because he's still on an island where death is forbidden. But he's not there to snort snake venom and dine on poisonous spiders. He's there to get help from Shang Chi and Iron Fist. They give him this help by taking him to a temple they claim to be the Temple of Death. It seems strange yet appropriate that there would be such a temple on an island where death is forbidden. They claim death treats this place in the same way billionaires treat their own private islands, as refuges from their hectic life of screwing people over and listening to the whining of every overpaid asshole on CNN.

That's not to say that it's a very welcoming place either. Death is still an asshole, even while on vacation. As Wolverine enters the temple, he finds that it has a hell of a security system in that it unleashes an army of hideous demon creatures. It's the kind of system I would love to have in my car because these creatures only attack those who fight constantly. These are people who already have a death wish and once Wolverine figures that out, he's allowed to move forward. It's basically like a system that would only let me lend my car to people I knew would bring it back without a scratch. Fuck, I wish I had that.

When he enters the temple, he finds out that death has a secretary and death is also a chick. Somehow, I find that incredibly appropriate and not just because I know how vindictive women can be whenever a significant other sells their panties on Ebay for crack money. Women are the ones that give birth to us. Why shouldn't they be the ones that kill us? I'm sure plenty of feminists can appreciate that, but some will find a way to bitch about it. However misogynistic it might be, death's adorable little secretary leads Wolverine through a strange maze that gave me the urge to play Pac-Man for some reason. It's a bit confusing about how this temple works, but the end result is pretty clear. Death has been expecting Wolverine and knows all the ways he has kept her busy. In other words, he's fucked on an entirely new level.

In preparation for his arrival, Death has prepared a statue of sorts and a pile of skulls representing the many people he's maimed. Frankly, I'm surprised it isn't the size of the Great Wall of China. Keep in mind, death is still on vacation. I'm assuming she didn't want to bother getting too elaborate. It still gets the point across because one of the skulls belongs to Rose, a sort of proto-Jean Grey that Wolverine fell in love with long ago and who was also referenced in an earlier issue. It sends an even more powerful message than before. He's got a lot of bad karma built up with death so he's more fucked than he thought.

The Rose connection adds a badly needed personal touch to a story that has been so disorganized and chaotic at times. This series was billed as the countdown for Wolverine as he neared his death, assuming of course his death will only be as permanent as the release date of the next Wolverine movie. It hasn't delivered at times, but it has made connections with parts of Wolverine's past that aren't often touched on. Rose, who might be the reason he has a boner for Jean Grey, is a big part of that past and adding her to the story helps add to the drama. It's not much in that it doesn't cover the vast clusterfuck that is Wolverine's past, but it does give a more profound message than, "You gonna die, bitch!"

The mention of Rose isn't just intended to torment Wolverine, although I'm sure that's 80 percent of the reason. The point Death tries to make here is that Wolverine has spent a good chunk of his ridiculously long life never fearing death. She points out that even children learn to fear it at a young age when they find out their goldfish don't like it when they pour mountain dew into their tank. Now he has lost his healing factor and he has to get used to the idea that he can die really fucking fast, otherwise Sabretooth will be the one that reminds him and he'll be a lot less generous about it. Yes, Sabretooth is less generous than death at this point.

It's the kind of mid-life crisis that Wolverine probably should've had decades go. He's finally having to confront death. Conceptually, that's a pretty important plot to cover in this whole "Death of Wolverine" story. It's a fitting conflict for him to explore, but one that lacks the impact, at least in this issue. Let's face it, Wolverine has a list of sins longer than Led Zepplin's hotel bills. An entire season of Game of Thrones could be dedicated to the fucked up ways he's built up bad karma. Mentioning Rose helped make it personal, but it didn't give Wolverine the sense of just how fucked he is.

If Death really wanted to make Wolverine shit himself, she would first show him images of Cyclops and Jean Grey's honeymoon. Then she would show him the deal that the Offer is now making with Sabretooth. Since he doesn't like being screwed over anymore than Pinch, it's not too surprising that he's willing to cut a deal with Sabretooth. A man doesn't get to wear an overpriced suit like that without learning to negotiate with sadistic assholes about ways of screwing other people over.

And he still has leverage. He and Pinch still have that glowing orb they found in the previous issue and at the moment, only Pinch knows how to work it. Sabretooth wants that orb, if only to give him a more efficient way to make Wolverine suffer. So the Offer reveals that he knows how to find Wolverine. He apparently slipped a tracking device into his suit when he was busy banging Pinch. It's his way of demonstrating that he has the cunning and Ayan Rand caliber spirit to get shit done in a way that will benefit his organization. Sabretooth may be an asshole, but he knows the value of amoral assholes to criminal organizations like his.

Sabretooth makes good use of this new information. As soon as the Offer reveals Wolverine's location, he unleashes another wave of Hand ninjas. Now I doubt he expects that these ninjas will kill Wolverine. Even without his healing factor, Wolverine maims ninjas the same way sumo wrestlers maim buffets. But they'll at least rough him up a bit, ensuring Sabretooth can torment him with greater ease. They'll still have to go through Shang Chi and Iron Fist. Wolverine better make sure he doesn't screw those two over because he really can't afford to be without allies at this point. He's already rubbing elbows with death herself. He couldn't be living more dangerously if he were snorting anthrax and touring with Ozzy Osborne.

In terms of the bigger picture, this issue does have a novel concept in that it has Wolverine confronting his own mortality in a way so literal that it could be a skit on Saturday Night Live if it weren't so serious. He's screwed over his new team, lost the orb that was supposed to give him another crack at Sabretooth, and created another vindictive ex-girlfriend in the process. Donald Sterline might be able to get away with that shit and come out two billion dollars richer, but Wolverine can't. Seeing him confront death while teaming up with Shang Chi and Iron Fist in the process was a somewhat abrupt, yet still welcome chance of pace. With his time running out, he damn well better get used to the idea of death because it's about to kick him in the balls and slap him in the face. He took his first step here and Sabretooth took his first step towards screwing Wolverine over again. Granted, the whole plot about Pinch's daughter was basically forgotten faster than Johnny Depp's last movie that didn't involve Tim Burton. But the big picture is still solid and for a series that started off less coherent than stoner reciting Shakespeare, that's still saying something. I give Wolverine #8 a 6 out of 10. Wolverine has now looked death in the eye. Now he has to fight more ninjas. Sounds like an average Tuesday for him. He doesn't have much time left though so he better enjoy maiming these ninjas while he can. I'm sure he'll miss that almost as much as he'll miss whiskey and sexy redheads. Nuff said!