Uncanny X-Force #4 - Old Plot Holes And New Drama

What do you get when you take a strong black woman, an angry black man from the future, an hot Asian ninja chick, a Canadian midget and put them in a comic? First off, you get a comic that would make the average Fox News viewer or Glenn Beck supporter shit themselves. Second, you get the cast of Uncanny X-Force. No one could ever claim that this series doesn’t have a diverse cast with a gritty backdrop. But what exactly does this mix create? After three issues, three reviews, and many bong hits I’m still not sure.

This series has been among the re-launched X-books that has not been up to par with the quality of the other books. And I say that not because of the cast. I say that because the story is all over the fucking place. What happens is exciting and action-packed, but it’s lacking on details. We don’t know what the hell happened to Bishop or how the hell he ended back in the past. We don’t know what the hell is going on with the Fantomex twins, but we’re pretty sure it demonstrates a creepy level of incest/masturbation not seen since the Maximoff twins in the early Ultimate comics. Now I’m usually a very patient guy. That’s one of the many benefits to being a drunk. I always have ways to pass the time. But with so many other X-books raising the bar, this series that Rick Remender made synonymous with constant awesome has been getting left behind.

However, there is still a story to be told here. A new team of X-Force led by Storm and Psylocke has plenty of appeal, if for no other reason than to see two pissed off women fight for reasons that don’t involve a jaded ex. They started out just seeking a mutant that was getting people high with her powers. They ended up fighting Spiral and Bishop. There was some rather random developments with the Fantomex twins, but the less explored there the better. Uncanny X-Force #3 started putting the pieces in place, but it still lacked the details. With Uncanny X-Force #4, shit is ready to start blowing up again and without the aid of crystal meth no less.

The explosions begin with Bishop tracking down Spiral and Ginny to a subway station. I could probably make a fuckton of insensitive race jokes about an angry black man hunting down a couple of white women, but I’d rather not make friends with the KKK or end up on Al Shaprton’s shit list. I’ll just say that Bishop is still packing some strange new power (which hasn’t been explained) and he’s dead set on attacking Ginny (which also hasn’t been explained). I imagine there will be some serious delays on the subway because of this and for once it won’t be because some drunk fell on the tracks and tried to pick a fight with an oncoming train.

An equally destructive, albeit one that won’t affect anybody’s commute, is also unfolding in Bishop’s mind. At the end of the previous issue, Psylocke finally managed to break into Bishop’s mind, which apparently had been warped to a point where his thoughts manifested around angry bears. I’m not sure if that’s because of doing too much time travel or if Bishop was mauled by a bear as a child, but we get some very nice action scenes that show Psylocke kicking ass in the mental world as well as she does in the physical world.

But beyond the fact that Psylocke is undeniably hot when she’s kicking ass, she also learns that this may actually not be a result of Bishop just being fucked up. There’s another presence in his mind. It’s a very light tease that is not expanded on in the slightest, but at the very least it will offer some comfort to Bishop fans who think his character has been more shat upon than the handicapped toilet at the Buffalo Wing Factory. He’s not in control here. Another force is influencing him. Yet I’m sure that would not stop the Avengers from blaming him for all the shit he does and throwing him in a jail cell next to Cyclops.

However, Bishop seems blissfully unaware of the fact that a hot Asian woman is fighting giant bears in his mind. He’s still got a hard-on for fighting Spiral and Ginny, but not in the Catholic way thankfully. Spiral, who is drained from running and teleporting, decides to leave Ginny behind and confront Bishop head on. She’s got six arms and he’s only got some fucked up force in his mind with a bear fetish. It should be a fair fight on paper. Hell, I would bet money on it and probably lose my rent money for the next two months. But it still isn’t as epic as Psylocke kicking mental ass.

I would have loved to see how this battle played out, but instead we get one page (one completely wasted page in my drunken option) of Fantomex fighting…well, another Fantomex. This is another one of those gaping plot holes that involves a creepy level of incest/masturbation/a completely new form of fucked up that even a Tijuana hooker wouldn’t do. Fantomex (the one with the penis) is pining for Psylocke despite having a female version of himself to bone. So they decide to go after her. At least they’re within the same neighborhood, but before they can make any meaningful contribution to the story the evil Fantomex (it’s as fucked up as it sounds) barges in and knocks him off the roof.

I’m not trying to be anti-Fantomex here, but the way he and his split personality has been handled in this series makes him hard to give a shit about. This guy is still a douche and he’s not helping his case by essentially boning himself. It also doesn’t help that he’s had absolutely no effect on the story at hand here. I get that he’s still got a hard-on for Psylocke, but if he’s not even going to play a part in the story then why waste the ink? That’s like pouring paint thinner on chicken wings. It can only do damage.

Thankfully, that’s the last we see of Fantomex and his twisted tastes in incest. We go right back to the battle between Bishop and Spiral. It’s not a very epic battle, especially for an X-Force comic. But it is well-done in that it conveys the visceral grit that I credit the series for maintaining despite the plot holes. Whether because of his warped mind or those convenient bear powers that have only been partially explained, Bishop manages to subdue Spiral. But as he’s showing off his fancy new powers, Storm and the rest of the team arrive. Storm didn’t think that just attacking Bishop’s mind was going to do the job. They need a more direct approach and that happens to be X-Force’s specialty.

For Storm, the direct approach doesn’t mean a punch to the face or a kick in the nuts. It means a big fucking lightning bolt right down an enemy’s spine. While she more than any other character tried to approach Bishop as a former X-man and not the guy who ended up shooting Charles Xavier in the fucking head, she finally came to the conclusion that the only solution to this problem was lightning. Seeing as how Wolverine solves all his problems with his claws and Storm may be boning him, that makes perfect sense. And just to make sure Bishop is completely emasculated, Puck knocks him out. Because a man who gets shocked by an angry black woman and punched out by a Canadian midget just isn’t getting back up if he knows what’s good for him.

While Bishop may have to deal with much smaller testicles moving forward, his defeat at least offers something more compelling than just Storm, Psylocke, and Puck kicking his ass. For a moment, he snaps out of his bear-rage or whatever the fuck it’s called and seems to be disoriented. This lends further credence to Psylocke’s earlier revelation that there’s another presence inside Bishop’s head. It doesn’t fill in the still gaping plot hole, but it at least provides some of the materials to do so. And I’d rather get the duct tape and wood to fix a problem than to have the contractor just piss on the hole in my wall and drive off.

With Bishop now subdued along with his manhood, the team turns their attention to Spiral. Psylocke, still itching for a fight, confronts her. But Spiral isn’t in much a mood to fight. First she lost Ginny and then she got her ass kicked by Bishop. You can’t blame her for not wanting to fight. So instead of more mindless action, we get some much needed drama. It makes Sprial come off as less of a total douche and reveals that Psylocke is still dealing with some serious issues after her last stint in X-Force. Thankfully, Storm is there to console her in a way that I know fanfiction writers will go crazy with. I only ask that you hold off on it until we know for certain that the plot holes in his series won’t be filled. Okay, perhaps that was a poor choice of words.

So the fighting is over. Bishop is down. Spiral is all tuckered out. But that doesn’t stop Puck from doing a little boasting. The guy may be small, but he talks like he’s seven feet tall. And I guess someone must have caught this shit on a cell phone and posted it to youtube because Wolverine later finds out at the Jean Grey Institute that this little mission caused a public raucous. It seems somewhat trivial, but considering how Wolverine urged Psylocke to be discrete early on in this series this definitely has the potential to piss him off. And usually good stories happen when Wolverine is pissed off.

There are still way too many plot holes that have not been filled or are only partially filled, but one that does finally get some attention is Ginny herself. From the get-go, we really haven’t learned much about her. She’s come off as some scared little girl that Spiral is protecting for reasons that come off as creepy, but not quite in the Catholic sort of way. She is the one who was the source of that strange drug craze that Wolverine sent Psylocke to investigate. But she hasn’t shown that she’s more fucked up than any young girl who is still learning how to use a tampon.

Well that finally changes. Having run off from Spiral, just as she was instructed, she ends up at a bar in a hotel. Usually when an underage girl goes to a bar in a hotel, nothing good comes of it. Well this is no exception. Because after asking for a drink like an alcoholic who endured one too many AA meetings, she reveals that she’s still fucking with minds and using it to get booze. But I have to say it’s a lot more logical than just making people dance like idiots.

In my recent review of Uncanny Avengers #8, I preached the value of patience when following a comic. I still stand by those words. Awesome is always worth waiting for, but there was a caveat. It has to at least be hinted at or implied that being patient will pay off in the long run. If it doesn’t, that’s like buying a stock that offers no indication that it’ll make you any money. That shit may work for the Bernie Madoff’s of the world, but it doesn’t work for comic.

After four issues, this new iteration of Uncanny X-Force still has gaping plot holes and few hints as to when they’ll be filled or even if they’ll be filled. We still don’t have a fucking clue how Bishop came back from the future, what that other presence in his head might be, what crazy presence is driving Ginny, what the fuck the Fantomex clan is trying to do other than raise the bar for incest in comics, or how this new X-Force team is going to function. I want to believe that an effort will be made, but I also want to believe that Sarah Palin will one day realize why people call her an ill-informed dipshit and we know that’s not happening. I may be a drunk, but even I understand when something ceases to be practical at some point. That’s why I don’t make bongs out of dead rats and old blenders.

Despite these astonishing gaps, this issue did at least put all the major characters in the same general area. I guess that counts for something because the issue wasn’t all over the place like it had been in previous issues. And at least the hint of some strange psychic presence in both Bishop and Ginny offers some clues as to other forces being at work. But those forces were poorly explored and still left me scratching my head and searching for another joint.

However, I will give some credit to this issue being more concise. We now know that Ginny isn’t exactly and innocent bystander. And the drama surrounding Spiral, Psylocke, and Storm was nicely done. I’m sure there are any number of fanfiction writers who could make that scene into a casual lesbian orgy. Puck also went out of his way to look awesome so there’s definitely some merit there, but this series still has a long ways to go and I’m not sure I have the patience to wait much longer. Guess I’ll just need more weed in the meantime. I give Uncanny X-Force #4 a 3 out of 5. If you’re picking up this book hoping for answers, you’re going to be disappointed. If you’re picking up this book to see beautiful women and vertically challenged Canadians kick ass, you should get some enjoyment out of it. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #1 - Repackaged Awesome

It wasn't that long ago that Rick Remender launched a bold new book that emerged from the ashes of X-men: Second Coming. That book was Uncanny X-Force and it was one of those few books for which I reviewed every damn issue on this blog and did it with a hard dick in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. Very few comics have such distinction. In this day and age where for every Avengers we get a Battleship movie, we've come to not expect consistency from the people we trust to entertain us. Uncanny X-Force was one of those rare gems that kept delivering at a high level. If it were a drug, it would be so potent that the DEA would shoot users on sight out of fear that they would no longer need our corrupt modern clusterfuck of a world to be happy. And when it ended after over two dozen issues, it was sad day for comics.

But at least some of the folks who work at Marvel took basic economics so they understand that ending something won't kill the demand for it. The success of Twinkees, Jimi Hendricks, and Tupac for proof. While Rick Remender has moved onto bigger and bolder projects in Uncanny Avengers, Marvel understands that he left a large audience in withdraw from the end of Uncanny X-Force. So it's perfectly logical that they would relaunch it again as part of Marvel NOW!

This time, it's Stan Humphries at the helm. He's taken on the challenge of relaunching Uncanny X-Force under a different set of circumstances with a different cast of characters. It's not going to be the same team that Remender put together, but there will be some carry-over. Psylocke, who was by far the most fucked up by the events of Uncanny X-Force, was billed a major player. She has to do something for making up for boning Fantomex. But this comic also promises to bring in an array of new X-men, including Storm. Those are awesome ingredients to work with, but even the best ingredients can taste like shit if you don't know how to work a stove. Rick Remender set the bar pretty damn high with his run. Can Stan Humphries measure up?

The relaunched Uncanny X-Force #1 is similar to the first Uncanny X-Force #1 in that it follows up a major event for the X-men. And I’m not just talking about Avengers vs. X-men (thank Odin because I’m sick of having to reference that pile of shit), which left Storm divorced and inclined to get a new haircut (see Wolverine and the X-men #24 for an explanation of that). The end of Remender’s Uncanny X-Force has the team break up in wake of its final battle against the Brotherhood. Those events left Psylocke exceedingly pissed off and unfit to be a teacher at a school for mutant teenagers. After having boned Fantomex, who can blame her? But beyond being jaded, she reflects on how they lost control of X-Force while Storm tries to get a handle on the many lingering scars. It might have just been easier to assume she was having a bad case of PMS.

In the end, however, Wolverine ends up firing her, but not without giving her a way to work off her anger. In a quick flashback, we find that Wolverine is trying to be overly pragmatic for once and distance himself from having been part of a secret kill squad. But he still sees the need for an under-the-radar team of X-men to take on threats that are best not associated with a school. One of those threats involves a new drug that has suddenly emerged. It’s not just your typical zombie-creating bath salts either. This drug is called Tao and it’s not because it involves some mystical eastern bullshit either. It’s an acronym for “together as one” and basically what the drug does is create a hive mind from the gullible masses stupid enough to ingest it. As we’ve seen in other recent comics like Uncanny Avengers #3, a hive mind can do a lot of damage. But as someone who knows a thing or two about exotic substances, I still say it sounds like an ecstasy knock-off. And if given the choice between linking my mind with others or sweating to death while I feel like I've just banged a thousand supermodels, I'll stick with the supermodels. But that's just me.

Thankfully, Wolverine didn’t throw Psylocke into this mission blind, gagged, and drunk (there’s a 50 Shades of Grey joke in there somewhere, but I’ll save that for another review). He included a lead with this mission and Storm, sensing Psylocke is in an incredibly reckless state of mind with no non-amnesiac Angel or chocolate to sooth her, decides to tag along. That lead is actually Puck, the vertically challenged yet oh so lovable member of Alpha Flight that has been MIA from Marvel for too long. His first reaction to seeing Psylocke and Storm is to hit on them. I admit I would probably do the same thing. Once they’ve convinced him his penis is best left kept in his pants, he agrees to help them find the source of the drug. Because who wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to be on a mission with two beautiful women that involves potent mind-altering drugs? It accounts for no fewer than 85 percent of all my wet dreams.

Once they reach the club, however, they found out that the source of this drug isn’t some Pablo Escobar wannabe who saw Scarface one too many times. It’s Spiral, another character who has been MIA for quite a while. We last saw her during Matt Fraction’s Sisterhood arc. I guess she got bored serving Cyclops’s deranged disembodied S&M enthusiasts for a wife and try another venture. I suppose that after you’ve tried to dig up the body of Jean Grey, getting into the drug scene is sort of a relief.

Whatever her reasons, Psylocke makes good use of her new “fuck the world” attitude and attacks Spiral without so much as a “What the fuck are you thinking dealing drugs that aren’t any better than your typical hit of ecstasy?” It may sound brash, but it actually fits nicely with the Psylocke that Rick Remender developed so thoroughly during his run. This is a woman who is unstable and upset. Her throwing herself into a battle with this kind of bravado both makes sense and is sexy as hell. If this doesn’t give you a boner, you had best up the Viagra dosage.

Psylocke’s “fuck the world” attitude is not only in character, but it also provides a tactical advantage as well. It gets the attention of all the drugged out club-hopping douche-bags that would otherwise interfere. It allows Storm and Puck to slip behind them and make their way to the back of the club where Puck believes the drugs are kept. But like the guy who paid for a high class hooker without noticing the oversized Adams Apple on her throat, they were met with a surprise. Instead of a cache of drugs, cash, and imported German porn they found a mal-nourished little girl. At first, she looks like a prisoner. But it’s implied that she may be the source of this hive mind that fucks people up worse than an LSD trip at a Marilyn Manson concert. She proves it as well by having her drugged out friends gang up on Psylocke, Storm, and Puck. It’s not the most earth-shattering surprise, especially for an Uncanny X-Force comic. But it does help create the impression that this is the kind of shit X-Force is supposed to deal with.

Stan Humphries set the stage for a pretty awesome struggle with Psylocke, Storm, and Puck. Then for reasons that I can only attribute to a fire drill or paint fumes, the comic just changes direction completely without even a hint of a logical transition. It goes from two beautiful women and a midget Canadian fighting in a club to the return of freakin’ Bishop.

I know Humphries already announced that Bishop would be coming back prior to this issue, but fuck if his return isn’t more random than a gay clown at a Mormon temple. He doesn’t really say much. He just relishes the fact that he’s back in the past and not shitting in buckets in an apocalyptic future. That’s all he really does. There’s no hint that he’s somehow tied to this whole drug plot. He just returns out of the blue and we don’t know how the fuck it’s connected. I’m assuming that it is or will be in future issues, but I approach comics the same way I approach topless bars. I like to be teased at the very least.

If that transition wasn’t random enough, Humphries then takes the story to Paris where we catch up with Fantomex, or at least parts of him. While I’m glad he’s acknowledging the end of Remender’s Uncanny X-Force run by showing Fantomex as three different beings, the premise is even more fucked up than time travel. Both Fantomex and his female counterpart, Cluster, just finished robbing some French guy of his wine and cheese or something. Then when they’re finished, they fucking kiss. I don’t know if that’s just an obscene display of narcissism or the most elaborate form of masturbation ever, but it makes as much sense as an entire army of clowns at a Mormon temple.

Now I’m willing to overlook some inconsistencies in my comics, but this is another instance where Stan Humphries has to live in the massive shadow cast by Rick Remender. Part of what made Remender’s run so epic was his attention to detail. He found a way to really tie in the events of each issue into the whole series. It fit together so beautifully that if it were a bra, it would belong to Pamela Anderson. Humphries didn’t show that detail with this or the Bishop scene. I get why he’s bringing them into the picture, but I don’t get why he doesn’t at least attempt to connect it with the drug plot. Those are the kinds of details that keep good comics from becoming awesome and successful criminals from becoming prison bitches.

After reading this issue, I don’t think it’s fair to compare it with Rick Remender’s first issue of Uncanny X-Force. This is a different book with a different cast and a very different set of circumstances. And on many levels, it’s not even a new book. The events of this issue closely follow from the end of Rick Remender’s run. That can be good and bad in some ways because it means if you don’t know how the last issue of Uncanny X-Force ended (and the shame of a thousand cases of herpes from a transsexual hooker if you haven’t) then you’ll probably be a bit lost in this issue. Stan Humphies does a decent job of filling in the blanks, but I can see how someone who hasn’t been keeping up being more confused than a stoner watching a Matrix marathon.

But beyond the continuity of Humphries’ first issue, it has a number of other issues. While the story with Psylocke and Storm was well-developed, the other plots with Fantomex and Bishop were a bit all over the place. At times, it felt as though this comic had ADHD and someone swapped its Ritalin for caffeine pills. Don’t get me wrong. It was fun and ominous to see Bishop return from the future and Fantomex engage in what has to be the most elaborate masturbation effort in the history of the universe, but Humphries really didn’t make an effort to tie it into the overall story. I’m assuming that it’s going to come together at some point, but it sure would help if we had even a slight hint at a connection. It would also help if he didn’t use those lame censor bars when Betsy swears like an angry Brit at a soccer game, but I’m not going to go on that rant again. I don’t think my heart could handle it.

These flaws don’t detract from all the things Stan Humphries did right in this book. He clearly established all the necessary elements for this to be an X-Force book. You’ve got a rogue, disgruntled X-man in Psylocke still struggling with the shame of having boned Fantomex and a recently divorced Storm looking to take her frustrations out in ways that go beyond banging Wolverine (again, see Wolverine and the X-men #24). Together, they confront a threat that involves drugs, drug dealers, hive minds, and horrible dancing. That’s the kind of shit that X-Force is better at dealing with. It’s not the same as a creepy kid Apocalypse, but it’s close enough.

This comic is like a fresh mound of blow with a few patches of chalk dust mixed into it. You can’t get around the chalk dust, but it’ll still get you high. Uncanny X-Force #1 was as groundbreaking as it was cock-smashingly awesome when Rick Remender first introduced it. It would be a dick move to ask that Stan Humphries do the same with his Uncanny X-Force #1. He didn’t demonstrate the same talent and mind-blowing brilliance that Remender did his first time around, but he still did a good job of establishing this comic as a worthy successor. I give Stan Humphries’ Uncanny X-Force #1 a 3.5 out of 5. It’s a comic with a pissed off Asian ninja chick, a divorced weather goddess, an undersized Canadian, and a woman with six arms. Throw in a few cameras and you’ve got yourself an awesome porno, but even without the cameras it’s still awesome in its own right. Nuff said!