X-men Second Coming: Hellbound #3 - Hellish Yet Awesome

With so many big events emerging as a result of X-men Second Coming it's easy to forget that there's another plot going on related to the crossover. That plot has essentially been swallowed up like an ice cream cake at a weight watchers conventions. How couldn't it be when basically nothing in the story has any effect on the bigger issues with Hope, Cyclops, and Bastion? Granted, it's hard to tie everything together when the X-men involve so many characters. But still, just a slight connection would have been helpful. That way when you see this comic on the rack you don't think to yourself "Oh yeah! There's that Hellbound thingy going on! Now where the fuck is fourth re-print of Wonder Woman #600?" The final issue caps the last of the Second Coming related books and despite the lack of connections, it's still pretty decent.

It continues without missing a beat from the previous issue, which granted feels like it came out when the first George Bush was still in office (the only partially-retarded one). Sam and his contingent of X-men are fighting through Limbo in an effort to rescue Illyana and along the way, Pixie falls into old habits with N'Astrirh (the least pronounceable name this side of Japan). He's tempted her the same way a pedophile tempts kids with promises of free candy hidden in a secret pocket in his pants, saying he'll give her back the part of her soul he took if she harvests Magik's soulsword. This unfortunately, involves surgically ripping it out in a way that would igve Hannibal Lectre a boner.


While Pixie is getting a lesson in stranger danger, Sam is getting a lesson in FUBAR (Fucked UP Beyond All Recognition for you non-military types). As if fighting off hoards of Limbo demons wasn't hard enough, Gambit has taken on the mantle of Death again. Being in Limbo just brings out the worst in people it seems and he can't help but spread the joy the same way Tommy Lee spreads Hepatitis. He already corrupted Northstar and Dazzler in the previous issue. Now he sets his sights on Sam. But it isn't all typical Cajun douche-baggery. Gambit's Death persona also took control of the hoards of demons that had been attacking, thus changing the nature of the battle. It's a dick move, but only semi when you think about it. That means Sam and Anole have to adapt and see if they'll have to decapitate Gambit later on.


So the heat is on and while the demon hoards are shifting their allegiance faster than Mel Gibson's fanclub, Pixie confronts the still bound Magik who happens to be in a position all those cute girls in Japanese anime porn are in before they're violated in so many perverse ways. Since this isn't Japan, nothing that crazy happens. In fact, what ends up happening is the least surprising surprise in Second Coming thus far. Pixie doesn't rip the soulsword out of Magik. She stabs N'Astrirh instead. Yeah, I was about as shocked by that as I was when I heard that Rickey Martin was gay.


So that's one problem solved. N'Astrirh is about as meaningful as a promise from Bernie Madoff. Now Pixie faces another challenge in Gambit's Death hoards. Apparently, the whole Death persona has gone to his head again and he uses the demons to attack both Pixie and N'Astrirh. It's kind of like solving a hostage situation by throwing a bomb at it, but damn it if it doesn't work and damn it even more if it doesn't make for an awesome battle. It also helps that Gambit looks pretty badass in the process.


The battle unfolds and it's pretty damn epic. Death Gambit takes on N'Astrirh's forces and makes him look as helpless as the Don't Taze Me Bro guy. But he also takes on Pixie as well, looking to corrupt her the same way he did with Dazzler and Northstar. He wants to corrupt her the same way Dick Cheney's soul corrupts whatever new heart he gets implanted with every few months it seems. She seems overmatched and overwhelmed, but then Cannonball enters the picture again and he does it with style. And by style, I mean a big fucking explosion.


Now it's Sam's turn to shine. Up to this point he's been about as intimidating as a box of kittens, but this is a guy who has taken on a leadership role in the X-men. That's the equivalent of being crowned champion at a bear wrestling tournament. He goes onto show that he's no slouch. He knows how to kick ass and he proves his point to Gambit, hitting him hard and fast in a beautifully scripted fight that should put a smile on anybody's face with a taste for good old fashioned comic violence. Or if you just happen to hate Gambit, this should get your rock off.


It's easy to forget that despite all this action, Illyana still isn't free. Pixie still hasn't broken her out and she's still fighting the urge to give her the OJ Simpson treatment. But again, the surprise here is painfully bland. This is Pixie we're talking about her. Marvel has been going out of their way to make her the new standard by which cute, pink-haired girls are measured who also happen to have a rack traced from a porn star (not that there's anything wrong with that). There's no way she's ever going to go dark the way Gambit has. In that sense showing any sorts of conflict in her just seems like a waste.


So yeah, another big ass surprise when Pixie frees Illyana. It doesn't make for too much of a twist and it's practically expected from the X-men's new golden girl. At least her release doesn't hurt the underlying awesome that has been established in the fight that's still going on. If anything, it heightens it because now that Illyana is free she can show that Pixie isn't the only ridiculously big-breasted teenage girl who can kick ass in an X-men comic.


Illyana's powers with the soulsword prove to be the deciding factor. As soon as she's released, it's like calling in the A-Team. She and Pixie double team Death Gambit and not in the way he's used to with teenage girls. His darker part gets blasted and overwhelmed, releasing his hold on the hoards of Limbo. It's quite a spectacle and the art really shines here as it has since the beginning of this series. The real Gambit fights his way back to the surface and sends Death Gambit back to where he belongs, but not before he drops an ominous hint implying this isn't the last we've seen of Darth Gambit.


It's a nice ending, but it's kind of weak in the sense that he doesn't really seem to pay much a price for this transformation. A few panels later he's back to his old self, which is kind of weak. When Cyclops was influenced by Apocalypse he was deeply affected. For Gambit it's like getting over a slight cough. It doesn't set anything up or show any growth in his character and that's a real missed opportunity because there is so much potential with Second Coming ending that such chances may be hard to come by in the future. The only real character growth that happens is that Pixie and Illyana seem to make amends. That's about it and for what has happened in these last three issues, that seems like settling for a bronze metal when you had every opportunity to go for the gold.


So that's it. Hellbound ends with them returning to Utopia and the book ends. They don't show Illyana reuniting with Piotr or Sam confronting Gambit. The book just ends. It's a weak ending to what has otherwise been an action packed offshoot to Second Coming. But like I said initially, it suffers from not having any clear connection to the crossover. It's like this was just a way of getting these characters to do something while the heavy hitters took on Bastion. I know it's hard to balance out so many characters in a big event, but even a slight hint of continuity would have done wonders for this and it never happened.

It's still a solid book. Writer Chris Yost once again shows that he's one of the best when it comes to writing kick-ass fight scenes with the X-men. The issue is well scripted, the dialogue is solid, and art is beautiful. If only it came out a week earlier it may have been able to distinguish itself from the rest of Second Coming. But it just couldn't measure up and for that reason X-men Second Coming: Hellbound #3 gets a 3.5 out of five. It could have been a 4 or higher if the timing had been different, but sadly Chris Yost is not on speaking terms with Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Seeing as how Yost is leaving the X-comics it's still worth picking up to enjoy what may be a fond memory in the long run because awesome comics from awesome writers are worth their weight in vibranium covered gold. Nuff said.

X-men Second Coming: Hellbound #2 - Devilish Awesome

While the self-described biggest X-men crossover of the decade has been more erratic than a bipolar schizophrenic on her period at times, lost in the madness are the offshoot stories that emerge from it. One of those stories is the Hellbound arc, which spun directly out of the pages of Second Coming when Illyana was attacked and sent to Limbo. In response Cyclops sent Cannonball on a mission with Gambit, Anole, Trance, Northstar, Dazzler, and a reluctant Pixie to rescue her. The first issue was mostly a setup and pretty light on action and heavy on bloated cliched character plots. The new issue, however, is heavy on the action and the twists and it goes without saying that it makes the story a hell of a lot better.

It starts off with Illyana making an appearance. Her situation hasn't changed much. She's still screwed, captive in Limbo and being bound by something that looks like the Sarklac from Return of the Jedi. Were this a Japanese comic it would quickly turn into a tentacle rape scene for anime porn, but since Marvel is run by a bunch of prudes they're content to just show her struggling as if that's not suggestive enough.


The fight with the rest of the team involves a lot less S&M undertones. Sam Guthrie is given some nice scenes, showing that he really is taking charge and acting as a leader should. In the last issue he came off as being a bit weak, but here he definitely shows some balls. He's blasting his way through demons and looking pretty damn awesome in the process. If this doesn't get him some quality pussy back on Utopia then nothing will.


He's not the only one strutting his stuff. More detailed fight scenes are shown with Dazzler, Anole, and Northstar. They reflect what really is the strength of this issue and every Chris Yost comic for that matter. The action isn't just mindless fighting. There is structure and choreography to it. It's part of what has helped make X-Force a consistent well of awesome and Yost doesn't hold anything back here. Everybody gets a moment to shine.


But while many of the other characters shine, Pixie is still the weak link here. In the previous issue she came off as a whiny little bitch for acting all "I'm so scared about going back to Limbo!" and "I don't wanna! I don't wanna go! You can't make me!" Put her in a pair of overalls and put a beanie on her head and she's a prototypical three-year-old brat. Now to be fair, she is being more heavily targeted than the others. She has a history in Limbo and she'll understandably draw a crowd. But still, she shows next to no backbone. I know she's a teenage girl and all, but a little badassery would give her some serious respectability. Right now, she's flirting dangerously close to Paris Hilton caliber lameness.

She does show some grit though. She has a genuine desire to save Illyana. However, her dialogue just seems dramatic for the sake of being dramatic. It's like she was just made to say these things and that doesn't reflect in her actions or her attitude. It's an inconsistent portrayal and Trance comes off as being more together than Pixie ever will. To be fair she's only there in spirit form, but this erratic characterization for Pixie makes her seem like she skipped her Thorazine meds.


While Pixie may be taking the awesomeness potential down a peg, it definitely gets a boost from the man who graces the cover of this issue. Gambit, whose badassery by far compensates for Pixie's lack thereof, gives this comic a major twist. In recent years he's been going back and forth between his human side and his Death persona, which Apocalypse instilled. It's not a very nice persona and it's never been clear how much control he has over this persona. For whatever reason, Limbo has brought out his more colorful side and being Death in a place like Limbo seems to fit as well as being a troubled NFL star in a strip club.


Gambit quickly gains the support and trust of the demons of Limbo. Because really, why fight when you can just get your enemies to join you? It's perfect for Gambit's persona. He's a thief and a scoundrel and he'll do bad in order to do good when everybody else is too much of a pussy to do the same.

With the demons under his control, he turns his attack on Dazzler and Northstar. They are understandably pissed and confused at his actions. They react as one would expect, looking to get away from his hoards while kicking his ass in the process.


That's easy for Northstar, who seems to have no trouble avoiding the attacks. But just because Gambit went a little off his rocker doesn't mean he's stupid now. He singles out Dazzler and gets her under his influence, turning her into a similar Death persona. Northstar doesn't stand a chance and eventually gets roped in as well. There's some gay joke in here somewhere, but the scene is just too awesome and I'd rather not taint it.


Now maybe it's a bad sign when Gambit in his Death persona is doing better than Cannonball, who is supposed to be the leader of this whole affair. He's fighting a losing battle to say the very least and his moments turn mostly into trying to save his team from taking a magma bath. It shows that while this team of his packs some serious punch, they're a far cry from a Cyclops-led team of veterans. It doesn't seem to help that Illyana is nowhere in sight and they've lost track of Pixie. Cannonball tries to stay calm, but he gets increasingly desperate and to his credit he doesn't lose his cool. But that changes when Gambit, Dazzler, and Northstar show up in their Death personas. But this is where the second twist takes place.

Gambit easily could have attacked and overwhelmed Cannonball and Anole. He could have easily subdued them like the 2008 Detroit Lions. However, that doesn't happen. He and his new hoard of allies don't strike a blow. He just asks that they talk. It adds a different level of complexity to this development. What's going on? Is Gambit really joining the Limbo hoards or does he have a plan for this? How is Cannonball going to react as a leader? How will this affect their rescue of Illyana? All are intriguing questions that jam a grappling hook into the reader and reels them in for the rest of the story.


While this moment with Gambit is oozing with awesome from every orifice, the next scenes with Pixie continue to be underwhelming. She and Trance continue to fight their way through the Limbo hoards, but along the way Trance gets knocked out of the fight and ends up going back to her body on Utopia. This leaves Pixie all on her own to take on Limbo and like Gambit, she succumbs to the influence of the dark forces there. And unlike Gambit, she doesn't look very badass doing it.


The demon is basically offering Pixie to get a piece of her soul back. What he wants in return is 'nothing of consequence' as he describes it. That should be a red flag to anybody. That's like the creepy guy in the windowless fan offering candy to kids. It should send anyone's bullshit sensor into overdrive, but Pixie seems to fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Maybe she'll do a turnaround in the next issue, but through two issues thus far she still comes off as a whiny, weak little brat. She's the weak link in an otherwise awesome comic and unfortunately, the issue ends with her taking this demon seriously. It almost makes the reader want to root for Death Gambit because at least he looks cool and doesn't whine like a little bitch.


While Pixie's lameness may bring down the issue, there is still plenty of awesome from the other characters to compensate. The first issue was the setup and this issue was the meat of the story and it was carried out wonderfully by Chris Yost in spite of Pixie's portrayal. This isn't just one big fight scene in Limbo. There is a plot full of mystery and intrigue here. It's more than enough to keep the reader wanting to know what happens next and how this battle is going to resolve itself.

It's only natural for comics like this to get lost in the glare of big events like Second Coming, but since Second Coming has faltered in recent issues it is a nice break to have a comic this good stem from it. It may not make up for the shortcomings in the main series, but it certainly adds to the overall awesomeness of the event. Factoring in the Pixie damage, this issue gets a 4 out of 5. It could have been nearly flawless in the way Blind Science was, but damn it if that Pixie can't ruin a no-hitter. She still has one issue left to redeem herself. As Second Coming draws to a close, Hellbound has the potential to really supplement the event. I originally wasn't going to follow these side-stories, but thanks to Chris Yost and this issue of Hellbound I'm in it to the very end! Nuff said!

Second Coming: X-men Revelations Hellbound #1 - A Hell of a Ride

I know X-men Revelations: Hellbound came out a while ago. Posting a review of it at this point is like reporting the final score to Superbowl XVI like it's breaking news. But after reading X-men Revelations: Blind Science I feel compelled to give this comic it's due credit. I didn't have much interest in the side-plots apart from Second Coming, mostly because Second Coming itself was so blindingly awesome. But these off-shoots are awesome in their own right and they're helping to make an already kick-ass event fell all the more complete. It's like the cherry on top of a 2982 layer chocolate cake with 229 layers of icing.

This comic covers what happened to Illyana during the X-men's first attempt to retrieve Hope. Back in Uncanny X-men 523 she was about to teleport Hope to safety when Bastion had William Stryker it back with one of his many contingency plans. She was then blasted with a mysterious device that looks like something that could only be bought by the Russian Mob or from the deepest recesses of Ebay. She then disappeared into her own portal and was trapped in Limbo...again.


As expected, Piotr is understandably pissed. This is the second time he's lost his sister like this and you would think a guy as tough as him would be pretty hardened to this bullshit. But even a guy with metal skin can still get his panties up in a notch and when Cyclops says he's not letting him go after Illyana, he reacts with predictable outrage. For anybody who has been following the X-men for a few years now, it's probably the most emotional Colossus has ever been. It's not too surprising, but it still has a feeling of "it's about damn time!"


Lucky for Cyclops, he's able to reassure Piotr that he's not going to leave Illyana left hanging. He's going to put together a team to go into Limbo and get Illyana back. Piotr still wants to go, but for whatever reason he listens to Cyclops. It's eye-gougingly remarkable that Piotr's okay with being sidelined, but he goes along with it and Illyana's rescue team begins to take shape.

For this literal mission to Hell, Cyclops enlists Cannonball to lead. That's not a bad choice because Cannonball has been developing his leadership skills in the comics for a year now. He's still an up and comer, but being a leader has done more for his character than the TV show House did for Hugh Laurie's career. The only problem is that at times he still sounds like a whiney little pussy when he laments at how hard his job is. I understand that's how a lot of leaders start out, but it really couldn't hurt for Sam to show some balls so that he doesn't come off as a recovering eunuch.


Cannonball is still able to stuff his crotch and get to work assembling a team. He enlists a wide range of B-list characters that have only recently had a chance to shine in the comics. It's not like he's taking Tumbleweed Tech's polo team with him. These are some characters with some name recognition, but they haven't been in many big plots since the Clinton Administration. The team includes the likes of Dazzler, Northstar, and Trance. Overall, that's not a bad skill-set. But to really add some appeal to this plot, they need and A-lister and that's where Gambit comes in.


Now this is kind of a head-scratcher because there hasn't been much hint that Gambit is on anybody's shit-list. He's been practically cock-blocked ever since he showed up during Nation X and you would think that with Rogue controlling her powers now, he would be looking for ways to get down and dirty with her. Yet here he is, sitting in the dark and letting Rogue run off and flirt with Magneto. A guy like him who has pined for Rogue for the better part of two decades can't be okay with that, yet he looks as happy as a clam flicking cards into a hat. He doesn't even mention the other shit that's going on when Sam pitches the offer. Yet he accepts and writer Chris Yost does a menial job of trying to make it sound logical in the mindset of your typical fanboy.

But this plot with Gambit is just fodder for what appears to be the real story. Anybody who has been reading Uncanny since Matt Fraction came aboard has been getting a pink-haired teenage girl shoved in their face. Now if this were strip club nobody would have a problem with that. But this isn't the XXX-Club in the seamy side of Los Angles. This is X-men and that pink-haired teenage girl is Pixie. Now that Nightcrawler and Ariel are dead, she's the last teleporter and she's also been hyped up as having mystical powers. That's all well and good, but that's a lot of attention to heap on a character that isn't even a decade old. I'm all for fleshing out new characters, but there are plenty of others more deserving than this girl. I would feel a lot better about her role if she didn't come off as such a whiney brat.


I get that she's a teenage girl with a lot of shit being shoveled on her, but she's been developed to a point through Uncanny that makes her being the droning teenager unreasonably stupid. She looks and acts all "I'm scared!" and "I don't wanna!" It's hard to tell if she's complaining about the mission or if she's making a scene in the mall because mommy won't buy her the latest porn star barbie doll. Yost is seriously a better writer than this and while it's nice to see her and Anole share a friendly moment. It still feels painfully lame.

Eventually, Pixie caves and joins the mission. Cyclops and Colossus offer extra incentive when she continues to show her teenage bitchiness, but she stops whining and assembles with the team in the hanger. So Illyana's only hope now rests with Cannonball, Gambit, Trance, Dazzler, Northstar, Anole, and Pixie. Overall, that's not a bad team to send on a rescue mission and trips to Limbo are always so colorful.


As expected, Limbo is hardly welcoming. As soon as they arrive, a hoard of demons attacks them. They have pretty much no element of surprise and they're surrounded faster than Miley Cyrus coming out of an abortion clinic. It's the kind of scene Chris Yost is best at. There's no subtlety and no major teasing. He just jumps right into the action, pulling out all the stops and making it so there's an epic fight going down and plenty of carnage to be unleashed. This is both a good and bad thing because while that works well in books like X-Force, it seems kind of bland in a book like this. The premise doesn't exactly match the style and it would feel so much more meaningful if it didn't seem so rushed. This may be because the book is almost out of pages at this point, but it really does leave the reader wanting more.


The fight scene is still pretty awesome. It takes a special kind of retardation to fuck up a fight scene in Limbo, but as fun as it is to read it doesn't really move the plot forward. There's no sign of Illyana and there's no real semblance of a plan. I don't know if that's just Cannonball's inexperience showing or if he really did just think they could waltz into Limbo and fight their way through demon hoards to rescue their friend. It makes about as much sense as it sounds. Somebody should call his voicemail and describe this plan so he could listen to it himself to see how fucked up it is.

While the fighting is going on, the forces of Limbo get some input as well. They know Illyana is present as well and have no intention of letting her go. Seriously, a young blond teenage girl just happens to appear in a place full of evil and decadence? Who could blame them? This helps set up the rescue team's main opponent in this place God seemed to fart on. He may be Blackheart or Belasco, but whoever he is he looks pretty damn evil. It's just enough intrigue to make the next issue worth picking up while still leaving room for a shitload of improvements.


Compared to Blind Science, Hellbound is minor leagues. Whereas Blind Science had mystery, subtlety, and strong character moments going for it, this issue felt like one big setup for a fight that only had a few pages to unfold at the end. I'm all for setting up a story, but Chris Yost took it just a wee bit too far here. There were some character moments that were awesome to read while others were just eye-rollingly bland. Some of those moments could have easily been cut out to extend the fight scene in Limbo at the end. While I understand it's a fine line writers have to walk, mixing action with character. It's not outrageous that some stumble along the way. Here there's plenty of that, but not so much so that it destroys the potential of the comic. The next part is still worth picking up and hopefully Yost can step it up from there.

For having a decent mix of good moments and not-so-good, Hellbound doesn't get the same worship that Blind Science got. But it isn't bad enough to deserve a flat out panning. For that it gets a 3.5 out of 5. It's definitely worth picking up, but it's not a comic readers will want to encrust with flakes of gold. There are plenty of more deserving issues in the Second Coming crossover. It remains to be seen of this whole Hellbound plot is one of them.