Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #14

When new comics come out, that's just another excuse for me to get fucked up and write fucked up shit about what I read. Every now and then, I'm able to write something insightful. Most of the time, it comes off as the ravings of a drunken madman. Either way, people seem to enjoy reading that shit so that's what I do on this blog. What follows is a drunken madman's interpretation of All New X-men #14. Read on if you dare!

The first page may make drunks like me start dry heaving because it’ll bring back unpleasant memories of Avengers vs. X-men. The last time Marvel fucked with the Phoenix, the collective assholes of the entire Marvel universe were torn in ways that would make a gay porn star cringe. Well they seem to be at it again, this time having Lady Mastermind mind-fuck O5 Jean into going Dark Phoenix on everyone. And she’s not even wearing her sexy Phoenix costume. That’s like being served a bacon burger you know has been spit in, but without the bacon. It’s doubly infuriating and for raging alcoholics reading this, you might want to nail down any furniture that can be easily thrown.

What happens at first is predictable. Wolverine, who I imagine is equally burned out on the Phoenix, decides to stroke Brett Ratner’s cock again and be that guy who has to kill Jean Grey. O5 Cyclops stops him, but it’s still painful at how unsurprising this is. Especially considering the fact that stabbing the Phoenix is akin to trying to piss on a forest fire. It doesn’t do shit.

But before you get too drunk with rage, Brian Michael Bendis shows an act of mercy that couldn’t have been more appropriate without packing this comic with a coupon for a free blowjob by a Tijuana hooker. It turns out that Lady Mastermind actually wasn’t the one mind-fucking Jean Grey. It was the other way around. O5 Jean was actually the one putting on the Phoenix show. But as she already demonstrated in the previous issue, she’s as experienced a telepath as I am a brain surgeon. So the others picked up on it, which they didn’t enjoy. But she apologized. All was forgiven and they went ahead and started beating the shit out of Mystique’s team and Hydra. I don’t know if this qualifies as a twist, but it’s more satisfying than a lap dance from Jessica Alba so I’ll take it.

But Lady Mastermind isn’t about to be upstaged by a novice, even if it is Jean Grey. She mind-fucks people in the same way a 13-year-old with a stash of Playboys jerks off. So rather than fuck with the O5 X-men by using the Phoenix, she uses the image of Professor Xavier. It’s not quite as terrifying as the Phoenix, but it definitely resonates with the X-men…for about five seconds. The O5 may be a bunch of inexperienced teenagers, but they’re not fucking stupid. They figure out really quickly that this is Lady Mastermind’s work. It still allows Mystique to shoot Wolverine in the gut (which is only half as satisfying as seeing him get shot by Cyclops), but it doesn’t slow the O5 down. They still shrug it off and proceed to kick ass.

At this point Lady Mastermind has done plenty to piss off O5 Jean Grey. And anyone who ever survived high school knows that pissed off teenage girls are a force not to be fucked with. Give said teenage girls telepathic powers and it’s safe to assume that everyone is fucked. Yet that doesn’t stop Lady Mastermind from trying to piss her off more, parading images of Emma Frost and Cyclops smooching in front of O5 Jean Grey. She might as well have smothered herself in the blood of baby seals and jumped into a den of hungry polar bears.

O5 Jean Grey, who only a few issues ago was crying and hugging Kitty Pryde, finally flexes her inner badass and mind-fucks Lady Mastermind in a way that I’m sure made her panties wet. It frees the rest of the team from further mind-fucking so they can focus on more important things, like roughing up Sabretooth or beating up Hydra. It’s as basic as you can get in a Marvel comics, but in a series that has been so heavy on teen drama, it’s immensely satisfying.

But like my ex-girlfriend, they don’t go down easily. The O5, who in a recent issue botched a simple Danger Room scenario, effectively coordinate to take down Mystique and Sabretooth. And they do it in a way that actually makes them look like a competent team. Now maybe Cyclops’s visit to the Jean Grey Institute added motivation for them to shape the fuck up and stop being whiney teenagers. Bendis is usually pretty good at pointing out what either motivates characters or pisses them off. But in this instance it’s somewhat glossed over. It’s still satisfying though. Seeing O5 Jean Grey make Sabretooth whine like a little bitch put a smile on my face and a boner in my pants.

One issue that Bendis didn’t gloss over, however, is that unpleasant little detail of Mystique having used the O5’s image to commit a long list of crimes. And as we saw a few issues ago, the Avengers were about as thrilled with that as Eagles fans were thrilled with their team’s record last year. So when they apparently swoop in and tell the O5 they’re still in deep shit, it’s an awkward moment. But it’s one of those awkward moments that turns out to be another bad dream, like showing up to work without your pants on or finding out you accidentally hit on your best friend’s mother while drunk.

Lady Mastermind tried to get away with one more mind-fuck, using the Avengers to leave the O5 deadpanned at the very least so she could get away. This time Kitty Pryde put a stop to that with her fist. So first she gets humiliated by a teenage Jean Grey. Then she gets decked by Kitty Pryde when she’s trying to escape. I think it’s safe to say that this bitch is right up there with Amanda Bynes in terms of being fucked up and burned out. At least she didn’t tempt anyone to murder her vagina.

And wouldn’t you know it? Right after the O5 X-men were mind-fucked into believing the Avengers were coming, they actually show up. It leads to a gloriously awkward moment between O5 Iceman and Thor. It also leads to a beautifully sincere moment between O5 Cyclops and Havok. While Havok may still be a total douche, it’s nice that he’s trying to get along with at least one incarnation of his brother. And while Captain America is still pissed at the situation Mystique created, he doesn’t give America any worse a name because O5 did manage to subdue Mystique and kick the asses of Hydra. I think that short of taking a piss on Hitler’s corpse, this will earn them some brownie points with Cap and the Avengers.

The only disappointing aspect with this scene is that we never get another scene with O5 Cyclops and Mystique. Back in All New X-men #7, they had some nice moments. Granted, Mystique was just fucking with him, but O5 Cyclops seemed reluctant to want to fight Mystique in the previous issue. There wasn’t even a second of hesitation in this issue. It’s one of those other details that Bendis glossed over, at least for this issue. It could definitely come up in another issue.

In fact, Bendis practically set it up in the very next scene. Once again, SHIELD proves that they can’t build a prison for shit. Maria Hill, who Mystique impersonated a while back, wanted to personally see to it that Mystique was sufficiently fucked over for her shit. Well, she’ll have to get back in line because once again, Mystique escaped. She even managed to steal a SHIELD helicopter. I’ll say it again. SHIELD can’t build a prison for shit. I wouldn’t trust them to watch my dog for the weekend, let alone imprison someone like Mystique. But beyond that, it means that Mystique is free and will probably find new ways of fucking with the O5 X-men, especially Cyclops. I’m still convinced that O5 Cyclops was checking out Mystique’s ass in All New X-men #7. Then again, who doesn’t?

O5 Jean Grey was undeniably badass in this issue, more so than she has been in any issue of All New X-men to date. But the comic ends with a firm reminder that she’s not quite on the same level as her adult self was under Grant Morrison. She’s not ready to tell Emma Frost to piss off, take control of the school, or look damn sexy in skin-tight black pants. She’s still a vulnerable teenage girl and she’ll keep being that way until she can prove she’s worthy of those skin-tight black pants.

All New X-men has been heavy on drama and teen angst. It’s like a CW show without vampires and slutty cheerleaders. Bendis has made it awesome thus far, but this time he threw in some good old fashioned fun. I mean who doesn’t love seeing the Original Five beat the shit out of Hydra, Mystique, Sabretooth, and Silver Samurai? And for once, Jean Grey wasn’t helplessly overwhelmed. That should make the feminazis out there bitch just a little bit less, but not nearly as much as we would all like. All semi-normal folk need to know is this is another awesome issue of All New X-men so says my drunken decrees. Nuff said!