Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #29

I’m a man who enjoys simple pleasures. Give me a pizza, a bottle of whiskey, and a football game and I’m one happy motherfucker. Books like All New X-men might have all sorts of serious and complicated themes. Hell, that shit is unavoidable when time travel is concerned. But one of the major features that have made this series one of the best X-books to come along in the past 10 years is that it’s full of these simple pleasures. Seeing O5 Jean Grey knock Wolverine out, seeing O5 Cyclops and X-23 hug, and seeing O5 Jean Grey kick Gladiator’s ass are all simple yet enjoyable pleasures that help make this series extra satisfying. Now those kinds of pleasures have been hard to come by in recent issues because Xavier Jr. and the future Brotherhood of Mutants have been pissing everyone off in so many ways. More than anything else, these past few issues have made me really hope that Xavier Jr. gets his ass kicked in the most humiliating way imaginable. I know I may never see the day when Ann Coulter is arrested for going down on Rachel Maddow in the basement of a Mosque, but I hold out hope that Xavier Jr. and his goons will suffer an equally degrading fate. All New X-men #29 promises to deliver. But just in case, I’ve got a pizza and a bottle of whiskey handy.

I don’t have to wait too long to find out if I need it. There isn’t much build-up to X-23’s arrival to the battle. We get a nice, simple explanation about how she was able to sneak past the future Brotherhood. O5 Jean just flexed her new psychic muscle and masked her presence from Xavier Jr. I’m sure it helps that X-23 is already pretty pissed off. Raze did kind of stab her a few issues back and X-23 tends to not be too understanding when it comes to stabbing. So she’s quick to return the favor. As soon as she’s close enough, O5 Jean Grey makes sure she takes full advantage of it. X-23 is then able to give Xavier Jr. the kind of wound that even Chris Brown would find excessive. It’s as satisfying as it sounds. For once, my hopes have not been dashed by the DEA or Fox News.

O5 Jean also reveals that Xavier Jr. did not know about her power upgrade. As far as he knew, she was just another inexperienced telepath at an age when she was just starting to realize how disgusted she is that she ever listened to Justin Bieber. He has no idea that this teenage girl just recently got done kicking Gladiator’s ass. It means she can take extra satisfaction as well, knowing she just humiliated him in a way that caught him completely off guard. She couldn’t have pwned him harder without using sleeping pills, crazy glue, and a pile of horse shit.

For X-23, however, stabbing Xavier Jr. just isn’t satisfying enough. Some people are just not satisfied with the simpler pleasures in life and that’s fine. Because for X-23, that means she also is still plenty pissed off to take on Raze. Some might even argue that he deserves more of an ass-kicking than Xavier Jr. I’m not going to get into that argument. I’ll save my arguments for the next traffic cop I confront. I’ll just assume now that they’re in the same general echelon of douche-bag and enjoy the sight of X-23 maiming him.

But much like my ex-girlfriend, Xavier Jr. doesn’t go down. He’s wounded and outmatched, but still determined to savor the sight of seeing the X-men kill each other. After being wounded by X-23, the rest of the O5 X-men and the New Xavier School are briefly free. They’re also plenty pissed off as well because apparently being mind-fucked in the Marvel universe ruins everyone’s morning. So they attempt to join the battle before X-23 can chop him up into too few pieces, but Xavier Jr. is still able to fight back and mind-fucks them again into attacking each other. I’m assuming this is going to ruin their morning for the rest of the week. There is no coffee strong enough to get around being forced to maim friends and teammates.

However, Xavier Jr. being wounded revealed something to the X-men that was already hinted at in previous issues. His so-called Brotherhood wasn’t exactly a brotherhood as much as it was a team of mind-fucked meat puppets. While that would make an awesome name for a heavy metal band, it doesn’t bode well for Xavier Jr. Now his team, minus Raze, are all too eager to turn on him. Unlike the rest of the X-men, he had been mind-fucking them for more than just a few minutes. So I imagine they’re right up there with Brazil’s World Cup soccer team right now in terms of being pissed.

While this isn’t too shocking since it was already hinted at, it certainly does retroactively change a few things with respect to X-men: Battle of the Atom. In some ways, it clears shit up a bit. In others, it fucks it up. But in this rare instance, the former is more potent than the latter. Now it makes a bit more sense as to why Beast and the others would just turn on their former friends and teammates. The assassination of President Dazzler might have been the trigger, but it didn’t feel like a full blown turning point. Now we know it was Xavier Jr. working behind the scenes, making sure everyone was properly mind-fucked into submission. It takes away some of the drama from X-men: Battle of the Atom, but at least it makes a bit more sense.

It’s now painfully clear that Xavier Jr. is the prime douchebag here and Raze is his Vice President. Now that he no longer has the element of surprise or a team backing him up, O5 Jean Grey and the Stepford Cuckoos attempt to shut him up for good. However, Xavier Jr. reveals that the extent of his douche-baggery is even greater than they suspected because he also happens to be a fucking coward. Before they could land the finishing blow, he masks his mind and escapes. This means that the X-men don’t have time to listen to the heartfelt apologies of their future friends. Now they all have plenty of incentive to hunt Xavier Jr. down and kick his ass.

It also means that Raze has no fucking chance at this point. After getting roughed up by X-23, Cyclops and Iceman finish him off. It’s not quite as satisfying as seeing Xavier Jr. get stabbed, but it still puts a smile on my face and a beer in my hand. He certainly deserves worse for the shit he has done. I’ll just assume X-23 gave him a few extra kick in the balls when nobody was looking.

It has all been so satisfying to this point, but then the retconing starts to escalate. One of the gross oversights that seems to be lingering in wake of this arc is that Xorna hasn’t said a fucking word. I would think after the way the last battle turned out, she would be fighting tooth and nail to get another shot at O5 Jean. Well, apparently there’s a good reason for that and it’s not because Xavier Jr. beat her in rock, paper, scissors. Xorna, in the sense that she’s an aged O5 Jean Grey, never existed. She was just another construct of Xavier Jr. and his bullshit mind-fucks.

Now this does a lot more than just change the circumstances of X-men: Battle of the Atom. It changes the whole dramatic landscape of it. A huge part of the emotional impact of that story came from Xorna being Jean Grey. She was the one that supposedly battled Emma Frost, the Cuckoos, and O5 Jean Grey. She was the one that convinced O5 Jean that the O5 needed to go back to the past. Yet now she’s just a psychic equivalent of an imaginary friend in a creepy mask? That basically means that some of the big battles in X-men: Battle of the Atom were basically no different than a squirrel wrestling a paper bag. It takes away the emotion, but it does help fill in more blanks about Xorna. It also reveals that O5 Jean’s future isn’t as fucked up as she thought. She’s not doomed to end up as a mentally unstable psychopath who is stuck in a creepy, yet badass suit for the rest of her life. That offers hope for her and confusion for the rest of us. But after all the shit O5 Jean has been through, I’m willing to endure a little confusion. It’s nothing an extra joint can’t fix.

Once the team is done scratching their head and shrugging their shoulders, they turn their attention to finding Xavier Jr. If this were an old rerun of a Saturday morning cartoon, the bad guy would get away, curse the good guys, and vow to get back at them through some other horribly generic plot. But since Saturday morning cartoons have sucked since the last episode of X-men Evolution aired, that doesn’t happen here. The X-men have a multiple psychics, an expert tracker, and teleporting demon child on their side. They have no fucking excuse for letting this guy get away. Naturally, they find his wounded ass trying to crawl away in the snow. Cyclops has plenty of reasons to kill this guy the same way he killed Xavier Senior, albeit far more justified. But since he doesn’t need the Avengers or the X-men riding his ass about that shit again, he decides against it. He is still capable of being a better man. That won’t make Captain America or Hank McCoy lose their rage boner for throwing him in jail, but it’ll help ensure he doesn’t add to his already long list of failures.

Once Xavier Jr. and Raze are taken care of, the O5 X-men help Xavier Junior’s former meat puppets go back to the future. But before they leave, there is a nice moment with O5 Beast and old and ugly Beast. They have a nice chat about the other plot-hole that emerged in X-men: Battle of the Atom, namely why the O5 X-men can’t go back to the past. Old and ugly Beast said he never figured it out, but he urged his younger self to succeed where he failed. Sure, he doesn’t provide him the slightest bit of guidance. He’s still Beast. He’s going to be a douche about it, even to his younger self. But it’s a nice reminder that this plot hole hasn’t been forgotten and will continue to be an issue. I still don’t trust Hank fucking McCoy to fix it in a way that won’t require him to be an even bigger douche, but it’s still a nice detail to include.

It’s even nicer to see Xavier Jr. and Raze handed off the Maria Hill and SHIELD. They’re now stuck in inhibitor collars and the X-men gave them specific instructions to never remove them. I want to say I trust Maria Hill to listen, but this is the same woman who never noticed Dark Beast infiltrating SHIELD’s systems so I’m just going to assume she fucks up and forgets at some point. At the very least, she doesn’t use this as a pretext to go after Cyclops again. I think she learned her lesson Uncanny X-men and is running out of dry panties.

But Xavier Jr. already hints that he’s not done mind-fucking the X-men. In the previous issue, he revealed how he sent notes to his future self to warn him that their previous plan to kill the X-men failed. Well now he’s going to have to send another one and now they’re going to have to account for an O5 Jean Grey that’s powerful enough to kick his ass and get him stabbed. I’ve no desire to see Xavier Jr. involved in any X-men story in the near future, but if it means he’ll get stabbed again, I’m okay with that.

Once again, the X-men have one the day. O5 Jean now has new hope that she won’t end up like Xorna and she can get a handle on her powers. And the rest of the team got to beat up Xavier Jr. again. Overall, I would say that’s a pretty satisfying day for any team of X-men. But O5 Angel just isn’t satisfied. He decides he needs to make this day better by asking X-23 out for lunch at a Bob Evans. I’m not sure he knows what a Bob Evans is. That would be like Bill Gates wondering what the dollar menu is at a McDonald’s. But X-23 accepts his invitation, if only because she get a free meal out of it. O5 Angel even steals Cyclops’ motorcycle, channeling his inner Wolverine. I guess that makes it painfully clear that X-23 is going to be jumping O5 Angel’s bone in the next issue. Sure, it would be pretty OOC and probably a little contrived after she just got done hugging O5 Cyclops so many times. But hey, it’s still a free meal at Bob Evans.

I guess in the end, that pizza and whiskey I had on standby can act as a bonus. This issue delivered what it was supposed to deliver, Xavier Jr. getting his ass kicked, followed by utter humiliation. To say it put a smile on my face would be like saying I only somewhat enjoy myself at a strip club in Las Vegas. Both Xavier Jr. and Raze got what they deserved. But what really gave this issue its impact was the way it essentially reframed X-men: Battle of the Atom. So much of the emotion and drama came from Xorna being Jean Grey. Now apparently, she was just an elaborate way for Xavier Jr. to fuck with her. Granted, it worked, but it still takes away from that story somewhat. But at the same time, it adds a little context that helps fill in more blanks left by that story. Like me when I recovered from a bad bout of constipation, there are still some irregularities. But the story now feels more complete. Plus, X-23 got a free breakfast and motorcycle ride out of it. I say that’s a win, but only in the sense that it lessens the confusion and opens some new doors. I give All-New X-men #29 an 8 out of 10. I’m trying really hard not to be too sadistic in taking pleasure in Xavier Junior’s suffering. As Cyclops said, we have to be the better man. Then again, that’s easy to say for anyone who has seen Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked. Nuff said!

All New X-men #29 Preview - Cunning Brutality

I know the whole concept of bloodlust is really disturbing to some people. I imagine those people have never been cut off on the freeway on a road trip in a car with no air conditioning and a busted radio. But I like to think that bloodlust has its place in the landscape of human evolution. I imagine there were plenty of assholes back during our caveman days. We needed that kind of bloodlust to either beat them to death with clubs or use them as bait for mammoths. In modern, civilized society, that kind of bloodlust had given way to less messy forms of outrage. Most involve lawyers, petty and unevenly applied drug laws, and crazy glue. I won’t say they’re better, but they’re effective in their own right.

But some people are assholes of such an epic caliber that the caveman approach is really the only approach that’s warranted. And if that level of asshole were a corporation, Xavier Jr. would be its CEO. As leader of the future Brotherhood of Mutants, this guy seems intent on dumping every kind of shit from every animal on his father’s (or grandfather depending on how fucked up the narrative is willing to be) legacy. He failed in his first attempt to kill the X-men back in X-men: Battle of the Atom. Thanks to more time travel bullshit, he has another shot in All New X-men. And in the previous issue, it looked like he had learned from his mistakes. Then he somehow forgot that stabbing a teenage girl who happens to be a clone of Wolverine and hoping she stays dead is the dumbest move since New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, or light beer.

Xavier Jr. went to great lengths to put O5 Jean Grey and the rest of the New Xavier School on the ropes. He struck at just the right time. O5 Jean Grey just manifested a new set of psychic powers, which she used to kick Gladiator’s ass. She’s not sure on the extent of these powers and hasn’t started training to use them. So if he’s going to get around the hostile mind of a teenage girl, he needs to make this shit count. But as we saw at the end of All New X-men #28, teenage girls can be deviously cunning, even when they’re not wearing mini-skirts and thongs. Now a lettered preview released by Comicsvine shows that this cunning is going to really fucking hurt for Xavier Jr. However, it’s still nowhere near the level of hurt this asshole deserves.

Comicsvine: All New X-men #29 Lettered Preview

ALL-NEW X-MEN #29
 
(W) Brian Michael Bendis (A/CA) Stuart Immonen
 
• Past, present and future collide as the Future Brotherhood exacts their final judgment on the All-New X-Men.
 
• Plus, Angel takes control!

I try not to let my bloodlust get to me outside of a traffic jam, but there’s so much about this I find satisfying. Seeing X-23, who didn’t get to participate in X-men: Battle of the Atom, stab Xavier Jr. the same way I stab a plate of bacon just put a smile on my face that I don’t usually get outside a strip club in Las Vegas. Many of the details that have been revealed about Xavier Jr. and his future Brotherhood may be fucked up and unrefined, but they do send a clear message. He’s a total asshole and badly in need of a dose of adamantium to the base of his spine.

Beyond the satisfying sight of seeing Xavier Jr. in agony, it also represents what could be a nice turning point for X-23 and O5 Jean Grey. Not long ago, there was some conflict between the two because X-23 became a bit too fond of hugging O5 Cyclops. O5 Jean had a bit of a problem with that, even though she had been busting his balls instead of hugging him for most of this series. But now, with O5 Cyclops running off to spend time with his dad and O5 Angel looking to swoop in for some sympathy pussy, X-23 and O5 Jean have less to disagree about. And aside from Kitty Pryde, O5 Jean doesn’t have a lot of female friends. She sure as hell could use a few, especially if she’s going to be mentored by Emma Frost. I’m not saying they’ll end up doing lesbian porn together, but maybe this will help establish some new ties for them to develop. Nothing bonds two people together than tormenting some sadistic asshole who deserves it. It’s messier than cocaine and weed, but almost every bit as satisfying. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #28

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All New X-men #28 Preview - Obsession Feeds Douche-Bags

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Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #27

I don’t mind the past coming back to bite me in the ass sometimes. Hell, I don’t mind someone biting my ass sometimes. Pay a Thai hooker enough money and she’ll find a way to make biting sexy. It’s when the past comes back to hit me over the head with a baseball bat and drop a cinderblock on my nuts that I start to worry. A drunk understands on some levels that when the blackout hits, the clock starts for when hindsight and regret prepares their attack. I don’t think the O5 X-men understood that when they beat the future Brotherhood of Mutants in X-men Battle of the Atom. I don’t even think they give half a fuck about them at this point, even though they know some of them survived. It’s only when they start striking back like a nasty hangover that it gets serious. In the previous issue, X-23 got the next worse thing after a hangover when she got stabbed. But that was just a warning shot. The dry heaves, vomiting, and awkward phone calls are set to begin in All New X-men #27. If the O5 are lucky, they’ll escape it without being arrested for indecent exposure.

It looks like someone got a bit too drunk and went to public school in Texas because the past biting back begins with a quick flashback (or flash forward, I’m too drunk to figure out which) of Moira McTaggart giving birth. Now I know some women will see this as a beautiful moment and some men will see it as the moment an unseen force rips their balls out through their wallets. I’ve seen enough crazy shit come out of peoples’ bodies to be fairly indifferent to concept of a woman giving birth. I also stayed sober long enough in health class to know women can get pretty fucked up after pushing a kid through their twat, but Moira’s emotions here are even more fucked up than that. Because after she holds the baby for the first time, she recalls how Cyclops killed Charles Xavier and decides on the spot she doesn’t want the kid anymore. Seriously, it took her nine months to come to that decision? I know hormones make people do crazy shit, especially teenagers and women who just gave birth, but even this is pushing it.

Well hormones alone couldn’t make this situation more fucked up than it already is, so why not throw something even more potent into the mix? How about Mystique? That’s right, the woman that Rebecca Romejan Stamos and Jennifer Lawrence made unbelievably sexy throws in a twist that should confuse everyone, including my penis. Apparently, she’s the one that just pumped out this kid while disguised as Moira. She even gets emotional in a way that can’t be attributed to hormones. For someone who has been an unapologetic sociopath since the “Get Mystique” arc, this is more than a little confusing. Then again, Mystique has never come off as entirely rational either.

However, this leaves a few significant and disturbing questions. So if Mystique gave birth to Xavier Jr., then why the fuck did he say he’s Xavier’s grandson in X-men Battle of the Atom. If Xavier was the one that knocked up Mystique and threw himself at the Phoenix before he had to pay child support, then wouldn’t that make him his son? Or could it be that Mystique decided to fuck Xavier over even more and bang Legion on top of his grave? He’s still alive last I checked and in a mentally unstable enough state to bang Mystique. But beyond the disturbing questions, why the fuck would Mystique even let herself get knocked up again? Didn’t the shit with Nightcrawler and Graydon Creed turn her off child-rearing enough? Seriously, I don’t get why she doesn’t just get her tubes tied or adopt a strict “No Glove, No Love” rule with the guys she sleeps with.

Believe it or not, that’s not the only disturbing question that needs to be answered. Back in the present, the future Brotherhood of Mutants are poised to attack the New Xavier School, as shown at the end of the previous issue. There’s just one problem. Some of them should be fucking dead. Future Deadpool and Xorna is with them and they died a pretty spectacular death in X-men: Battle of the Atom. I get that death in comics is less permanent than a marriage to Larry King, but this has me scratching my head and needing another bong hit. Because if these assholes are back to life just like that, then that kind of makes all the crazy battles they fought in X-men: Battle of the Atom seem more half-assed. These assholes survived and now they want another shot.

And this time, they’re working smarter rather than harder. The one that was supposed to warn them about the pending attack, a very wounded X-23, turned out to be a very effective “fuck you for getting lucky last time” from the future Brotherhood. That wounded X-23 turned out to be Raze, who quickly takes advantage of everyone’s concern for X-23 by stabbing Triag, the X-men’s healer. That means if the X-men get wounded this time, there won’t be a healer to give them that special Jesus touch to get them back in the fight. It’s a dick move, but fuck if it isn’t a smart move.

With the healer down, the future Brotherhood takes it a step further. They cut the power, thereby cutting off any communications or anyone’s ability to watch porn. It’s yet another dick move, but one that’s still pretty damn smart. They then go for the telepaths, namely the Stepford Cuckoos. Because they learned the hard way last time that too many psychics causes too many migraines, the future Brotherhood learns from their mistakes. They even throw in another special “fuck you” by using Mindee to fuck over her sisters. That sentence would be so much easier to jerk off to in another context, but it’s another smart move.


I don’t want to admire these assholes too much, but it’s worth pointing out that they seem to be learning from their previous mistakes. How many villains or teenagers can say they’ve done that? Hell, learning from mistakes might as well be a mutant power in this context. But they’re not all completely competent. Cyclops does show up and ensures they’re smart moves come with a little pain by hitting them with an overpowered optic blast. It makes the battle feel only slightly less uneven, but it still means they’re on the ropes.

Flash forward to the future (or the past, again I’m too drunk to figure out which) and we get a little more insight into the life of Charles Xavier Jr. After Mystique ditched him, he somehow found a home. He seems to be an ordinary teenager who just happens to be bald and who just happens to be named Charles by his adopted mother. I don’t know if that’s a coincidence or if the idea of calling him Herbert was too jarring, but he very clearly has his grandfather’s (or father’s if his birth was as fucked up as it seems) talent. And the day it manifests, it hits him like 1,000 hangovers and he accidentally kills his adopted mother. It fucks him up at first, but we already know he gets over it in the worst possible way. Maybe he should’ve found a better therapist.

While this doesn’t answer any questions about his heritage or his birth, it does offer a first glimpse into how Charles Xavier Jr. became such an asshole. The guy was birthed by Mystique and killed his adopted mother when his powers first manifested. That’s a pretty effective means of fucking someone up and sending them down the path of the dark side. Maybe Darth Vadar should’ve tried to knock up Mystique to get Luke on his side. Marvel is getting the Star Wars comic rights soon. I’m sure that story has been planned by someone.

Back in the present/past/future/whatever this is in the timeline, the students of the New Xavier School are stuck battling Raze without a healer. It seems like an unfair fight. Raze is the bastard son of Mystique and Wolverine. He should be able to take on a bunch of mutant teenagers, a Kitty Pryde whose love life has gone to Hell, and some time-displaced X-men. Actually, when I say it like that, it sounds like Raze is the one at the disadvantage. He’s fighting a bunch of mutant teenagers and a pissed off Kitty Pryde. Maybe he should stick to ninjas and killer robots.

It’s not a fair fight again. O5 Iceman helps take him down. Raze tries shifting into other forms, including O5 Cyclops, as if they’re not going to be too pissed at him for ditching the team. So it really is a relief when O5 Beast punches him out. Not only that, Triag managed to heal himself from Raze’s seemingly deadly wound. So while it was a smart move on paper, Raze seriously underestimated the shit he was up against. He should know that subduing teenagers is harder than convincing the Duggers to use birth control. But they still have psychic powers on their side so there’s that. If only someone could use that kind of power on the Duggers so they can stop making shitty reality shows.

Flash back/forward/whenever the fuck it is again. More insight is offered into the life of Xavier Jr. and the future Brotherhood. Having just accidentally killed his foster mother, Xavier Jr. seems well on the path to the dark side. So he seeks out someone who didn’t need an accident to walk that path in Raze. Apparently, he has been impersonating his mother, who is sort of a big fucking deal in Madripoor. Even Oedipus would find that pretty fucking disturbing. But that seems to work just fine with Xavier Jr. He meets Raze, reveals that he’s his sort-of brother, and finds out that Raze killed Mystique. Guess this means she gave up the wrong kid, but that’s beside the point.

The point to this scene is still unclear. At the very least, it establishes the beginning of the future Brotherhood of Mutants. But it still fails to answer how Xavier Jr. decided that he was going to be the kind of asshole that mind-fucks people when he can’t get a boner from German porn anymore. Whatever his reason, he’s an asshole now and that basically ensures that he’ll get along just fine with Raze. While Mystique’s kids may be pretty fucked up, they can form some pretty strong sibling bonds. Except for Graydon Creed. He’s too fucked up for any family.

Back in the present (I give up trying to figure out what to call it), Cyclops is trying to throw the future Brotherhood off their trail. He’s got Emma Frost and O5 Jean Grey with him, which is probably how most of his wet dreams unfold. Emma Frost is instructing O5 Jean to keep her psychic shielding up so that they don’t find them. It’s challenging since she just got a power upgrade and still doesn’t understand how the fuck it works. It seems to be doing just fine for a while. And like everyone else, they’re wondering how the hell some of these assholes are still alive. But before she can figure it out, O5 Jean’s shields fail. So Emma Frost does the most logical thing she can think of. She punches O5 Jean out. I said it’s the most logical thing she can think of, not the most logical thing. I’m sure that’s the best feeling she’s ever had with her panties on and I’m not sure what the point is. But after so many flashbacks/flash-forwards, I’ve stopped giving a shit.

But even being unconscious, O5 Jean’s mind is vulnerable and Xavier Jr. gladly exploits it. Now he has the Cuckoos on his side and Xorna, who may or may not be at full power after she blew herself up in X-men: Battle of the Atom. It still qualifies as overkill, but since O5 Jean recently took down Gladiator, I’m still going to call it a fair fight. She’s still confused, asking Xavier Jr. why he’s doing this. He probably only needs to say Mystique is his mother and Raze is his brother and that would probably be a sufficient answer. With so many plot holes and blanks, this is probably the best explanation anyone can hope for. I’m not saying it’s a good one. If it were a tactic to get out of a traffic ticket, it would probably only work only a third of the time. But like warm beer after a shitty day, I’ll take what I can get.

So the O5 X-men versus the future Brotherhood, Round 3 (or 7, I stopped keeping track after my third bong hit), was a lopsided affair. The future Brotherhood outsmarted the X-men on pretty much every front, which makes me wonder how the fuck they got their asses kicked so badly in X-men Battle of the Atom. Then again, they’re more pissed off and more experienced. Plus, they learn from their mistakes, which is way more than most Congressmen and traffic cops can say. The battle may have been nicely detailed, but there are still some pretty significant blanks...again. That was the problem with X-men Battle of the Atom and that’s the problem here. There’s still way too much WTF involving Mystique crapping out Xavier’s grandson, Deadpool and Xorna being alive again, and the sheer timing of their attack. Anyone hoping that Round 2 would answer some burning questions left by Battle of the Atom is going to be disappointed, but that’s nothing a shot of tequila and a Valium won’t fix. Get high enough, and it’ll just be another entertaining battle with some entertaining possibilities. All New X-men #27 gets a 6 out of 10. I still have so many burning questions. I’m sure anyone that ever boned Courtney Love or Paris Hilton say the same thing, albeit for different reasons. It’s not that I’m impatient about having them answered. It’s just at at some point, I stop giving a shit and I would rather not have that happen here. Nuff said!

All New X-men #27 Preview - Next Level WTF

The concept of WTF gets thrown around pretty liberally these days. It’s just so hard to surprise people without going on some racist, sexist, homophobic rant on a hidden camera. But every now and then, something does come along that is genuinely shocking in the most fucked up kind of way. Sometimes it’s overly random. Sometimes it’s overly illogical. Sometimes it just looks like the powers that be did way too much blow when they thought of it. But it does happen even in this day of desensitized violence and overused gimmicks.

We already knew from the ending in All New X-men #26 that the future Brotherhood of Mutants from X-men: Battle of the Atom was back. They even took some time to rough up X-23. But their return also offers the opportunity to answer some of the many unanswered questions from Battle of the Atom. Even though it was a big ass event, it left some big ass plot holes behind. On top of that, the future Brotherhood of Mutants stuck around to continue fucking up the past. Now they’re finally getting around to it.

But one of the less pressing questions had to do with Charles Xavier Jr. He revealed himself as Xavier’s grandson. Nobody really thought much of it. I know I didn’t, but I was stoned. I have an excuse. However, how the fuck did he end up going the complete opposite direction as his pacifist grandfather? Was he really just born with a “fuck the X-men” mentality? Well Newsarama released a preview of All New X-men #27 and it has in it a WTF revelation that could leave the most sober among us dazed.

Newsarama: All New X-men #27 Lettered Preview

So Mystique is the one that shat out Xavier Jr. Fuck, I’ve got nothing here. Even I can’t get stoned enough to make sense of this shit. For one, how the fuck does Mystique even let herself get knocked up? Given how badly shit turns out with Nightcralwer and Rogue, shouldn’t she have gotten her tubes tied? Plus, how can she even find time to get knocked up when she’s so busy being an unrepentant sociopath? I’m struggling to wrap my head around it and I just fought off a hangover.

But as fucked up as it is, it does answer one question. This is why Xavier Jr. is such an asshole compared to his grandfather. Mystique gave birth to him and ditched him. Unlike Nightcrawler, he didn’t get to join the circus or find religion to make him not be an asshole. Maybe this will come up in future issues. But right now, my head is still spinning and I’m going to need a shit tone of blow between now and next week when the issue comes out. I just hope that on the morning I get my comics, I wake up with my pants on and my kidneys still in place. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #26

It doesn’t take much to set some people off. For one person, crashing a shopping cart into the rear bumper will only evoke a scowl and a middle finger. For another, there mere act of tripping over them on a sidewalk is akin to taking a shit on their mother’s grave. These aren’t just people with anger management issues. These are people who are going through a bit of rough shit, be it divorce, shitty parents, or running out of weed. For O5 Jean Grey, it’s more than just a bit. She just got done being put on trial for a crime she hasn’t even done yet. She got so pissed that she somehow managed to upgrade her powers. Hell, if that’s all it took to become stronger, I’d be fucking Superman based on all the parking tickets I’ve gotten. But this power upgrade is only the latest nudge for O5 Jean down the path to becoming either Xorna or dead. Both results suck and with The Trial of Jean Grey Over, she now has to start dealing with it in All New X-men #26. Being a teenage girl who just watched O5 Cyclops take a vacation in space to play Han Solo with his father, I don’t have much faith in her coping skills.

And by all accounts, O5 Jean is off to a pretty shitty start. She finally gets a chance to get some rest and like a hangover that kicks in just before the blackout, she has a nasty nightmare. It’s not the first time either. O5 Jean Grey has been having crazy nightmares since she arrived in the future. Her first nightmare involved a crazy, naked Wolverine stabbing her to death. This one is only slightly less horrifying in that she dreams about going Dark Phoenix, just as the Shi’ar showed her. Everyone around her is either dead or wishing they were dead. She’s drunk on power in a way only matched by Donald Trump’s fantasies. But what really makes it hit hard is that this is exactly what she feared. She admitted to being a monster in The Trial of Jean Grey. She just hasn’t found a way to cope with it yet. I still say it’s more terrifying than being stabbed by a naked Wolverine.

Naturally, the horrified gasp of Jean Grey having a nightmare is a major disturbance in the force for Cyclops. For once his brain, his heart, and his penis are on the same page when he comes for her. It’s more than a little awkward and not just because O5 Jean thought that O5 Cyclops had returned from space. Cyclops just found out about what happened with the Shi’ar and his younger self. He’s probably both pissed and a worried. He knows Jean Grey’s future better than anyone. Hell, he’s seen her naked. And he doesn’t have to be in love with her to know that the shit the Shi’ar showed her can have a nasty impact on a teenage girl. But it goes further than that in a way that both Twilight fans and X-men fans can appreciate.

In terms of the bigger picture, Cyclops is probably the one character in the entire Marvel Universe that understands what O5 Jean is going through the most. And it’s not just because he married her and raised a kid with her, although that definitely helps. He just recently experienced what it was like to go Dark Phoenix. He finally understands what Jean Grey went through when she struggled with this power. He even pointed it out to Wolverine in AvX: Consequences in another act of epic Wolverine pwnage that would only be topped by O5 Jean knocking him out in All New X-men #2. Now without O5 Cyclops around, he’s the only Cyclops she can turn to and it brings out a side of him and O5 Jean that is both refreshing and overdue.

It’s the heart-to-heart they admit they’ve been avoiding. First, Cyclops establishes he knows how much Dark Phoenix nightmares suck. Then he assures her that all their future space adventures aren’t going to suck quite as badly. But then it gets more personal with Cyclops telling her how he would have horribly maimed Gladiator if he had been there when they came to abduct her. It also addressed the new powers O5 Jean used to kick Gladiator’s ass and give Jean Grey fans everywhere a boner they haven’t had since the Grant Morrison era. And Cyclops rightly points out that this is something the old Jean Grey never showed. Like O5 Jean said in the previous issue, this shit is all new. And it reminds them both at how the older Jean didn’t have that tool in her arsenal to save herself.

It’s when their conversation gets so personal that this emotional discussion takes on a rich, profound detail that is so beautifully handled that if it were a diamond, only Lady Gaga could get away with wearing it. It doesn’t just provide profound insight for Cyclops, who admits there are so many things he would have done differently if he had the knowledge O5 Jean now has. It also highlights the powerful chemistry that Cyclops and Jean Grey have. And I’m not just talking about romantic chemistry either, although it is clear at one point that O5 Jean’s teenage hormones get the better of her. Nobody should expect her to be completely immune to the power of Cyclops’s penis. These two characters really do bring out the best in one another. The way they care for one another and the way they learn from one another is what helps make them two of the most iconic characters in the history of X-men, despite what Wolverine fans may say.

That said, Kitty Pryde isn’t all that comfortable with Cyclops being alone in a room with O5 Jean Grey. She understands the power of Cyclops’s penis and his inability to think rationally around all things Jean Grey. But that doesn’t take away from the emotional weight of their interaction. Beyond encouraging O5 Jean to train with her new powers, they worry about the damage Beast has done to the timeline in his effort to troll Cyclops. O5 Jean even admits she likes the kind of man Cyclops has grown up to be. She does overlook that little bit about him killing Professor Xavier. But after the murders the Shi’ar showed her, I think she’s the only one who truly understands how overwhelmed Cyclops was in that moment. So in that sense, they really are pretty much the only ones who really understand each other. And that just gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside that I don’t usually get without whiskey and porn.

On the opposite end of the warm and fuzzy spectrum, X-23 isn’t nearly as inclined to substitute O5 Cyclops for his older counterpart. While O5 Angel is off on his morning flight, trying to forget that his older self has lost his fucking mind, he finds X-23 loaded up with enough gear to cross Siberia. She says outright that she’s leaving. There’s nothing tearful or conflicted about it. She’s just ditching the New Xavier School. With O5 Cyclops gone and the power of his penis no longer present, she has little reason to stay. O5 Angel tries to do exactly what O5 Cyclops did in All New X-men #20 and stop her, but he simply lacks the charm or the penis to do so. To be fair though, X-23 is pissed off in a very different way. O5 Angel is perfectly reasonable and doesn’t say anything really stupid, which teenage boys have been known to do around girls. X-23 is just that determined to tell everyone to piss off.

That also includes angry bears. PETA supporters might want to skip this part of the story, but I think X-23’s state of mind is worth emphasizing here. While O5 Angel is trying to convince her to stay, a curious bear shows up who probably thinks O5 Angel is an oversized chicken wing just waiting to be deep fried. Fuck, I’m hungry now. But lucky for O5 Angel, X-23 scares him away. Let me say that again to get the point across. X-23, a teenage girl with claws, terrified a bear so much that it ran away. I think that says something about both her and the terror inspired by teenage girls that’s worth noting.

But beyond scaring a bear, O5 Angel finds out that X-23 might have had a thing for O5 Cyclops. All those hugs they shared meant something and it didn’t just involve soaked panties. It probably confuses the hell out of O5 Angel. Apparently, he has yet to learn that teenage girls tend to react poorly when a guy they want to dry hump just up and leaves. Boy, he’s really fucking behind the curve. In that sense, O5 Angel has no chance of convincing X-23 to come back so she leaves and O5 Angel is left to contemplate just how much crazier teenage girls can be. Again, he’s got a long ways to go.

X-23 is off and ready to look for someone else to hug her. Then in what looks like her mind and her hormones playing tricks on her, O5 Cyclops shows up. He says he has come back to her. He just missed hugging her that much. Fuck having his own solo series where he gets to cruise around the galaxy with his father in ways that every Star Wars and Star Trek fan only dreams. He would rather stick around and hug her.

Anybody who believes that shit needs to lay off the weed or smoke more of it. Of course it’s a ruse, but it isn’t her raging hormones making her hallucinate either. It’s a shape shifter looking to both fuck with her mind and stab her. And she (or he) succeeds. I say it could be a he because in addition to Mystique, the renegade son she had with Wolverine in the Battle of the Atom future is still running around. And he seems to enjoy stabbing things associated with Wolverine just as much as his mother. He (or she) claims to take no pleasure in doing so, but I get the sense he’s hiding a massive erection after leaving X-23 for dead.

I also imagine mulling over complicated physics equations gives O5 Beast a boner. He’s just way better at hiding it. That’s what he ends up having to do as he’s going over a big ass chalkboard full of the kind of math that gives most high school juniors night terrors during mid-terms. It’s not the first time either. He was working on this board during the first issue of The Trial of Jean Grey. Now he adds some extra equations to the mix, namely O5 Cyclops leaving and O5 Jean’s new powers. This seems to hint that this is a significant change in the way their presence is impacting the timeline. They just keep finding new ways to fuck it up, but this way might actually be productive. It has to be because I don’t think the timeline can take any more new assholes.

Speaking of assholes, the rest of the New Xavier School staff are incredibly douchy when O5 Angel returns to tell them that X-23 left. In fact, some don’t even remember her name. O5 Iceman admits to calling her Wolverine Clone. Granted, that’s what she is, but it’s still a dick move, not even learning her name. The only one who really gets pissed off is Kitty Pryde and rightfully so. She already had one of her students ditch her. She doesn’t need it to become a trend.

But before she can give her students a much needed lesson in not being a dick, X-23 comes back on her own. To be fair, she kind of had to after being stabbed and all. It’s not quite clear how wounded she is or even why she’s so wounded. This is someone who has had all the flesh on her bones blown off before. She should be able to walk this off the same way Brett Farve walks off a broken ankle. But she has already shown that she can be wounded badly. It’s just hard to figure out how a simple stab wound could do this much damage.

That said, there is a pretty telling hint. There’s a good reason why I suspect that the shape-shifter that stabbed X-23 might not be Mystique. The future Brotherhood of Mutants that stuck around at the end of X-men Battle of the Atom are still pissed. They can’t go back to their own future, but they can keep fucking up the present. And as it just so happens, they’ve found the secret location of the New Xavier School. Stabbing X-23 was just a prelude. They’re probably sick of being at a point in time when they have to use outdated iPhones and slower internet. Who wouldn’t be pissed about being stuck with dial up? And if they have a way to wound X-23, they sure as hell have a way to wound the rest of the O5.

This is one of those issues where beautifully developed drama more than compensates for the lack of actions. And it’s not like there wasn’t any action. X-23 got fucking stabbed and left for dead. But just one issue ago, there was a ball-busting epic brawl between O5 Jean Grey and Gladiator. It’s perfectly okay to not have that kind of action in the next issue. In fact, this issue perfectly follows up on the impact of The Trial of Jean Grey. The heart-to-heart with O5 Jean and Cyclops was the real meat of the issue. It’s worth the price for that scene alone. Seeing X-23 scare off a bear is just a nice bonus. This kind of drama is something that has taken way too fucking long to unfold, but like a happy ending at a massage parlor it’s so worth the wait. It sets up a new dynamic with O5 Cyclops being absent and one that promises to actually make progress that doesn’t involve O5 Jean and O5 Cyclops being awkward and pissed all the time. And despite what Glen Beck may say, progress is a good thing and All New X-men #26 has plenty of it. I give it a 9 out of 10. Like a priest at the Little League World Series, there are going to be a lot of uncomfortable feelings between O5 Jean and Cyclops. But those uncomfortable feelings are what make it so much fun to watch. Nuff said!