Time (Inevitably) Runs Out: X-men Blue #35

The following is my review of X-men Blue #35, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain time-displaced, alternate universe, or cloned characters never wear out their welcome. Time paradoxes aside, someone like Cable is here to stay. Josh Brolin's role in Deadpool 2 and Dafne Keen's role in Logan effectively cements that. Those are rare exceptions, though. For the most part, characters derived from others or a byproduct time travel have an expiration date. It's arguable when that date was for the original five X-men who first came to the future in All-New X-men, but most agree that date has long since passed.

Pretty much every circumstance that kept the time-displaced X-men in the future is moot at this point. Jean Grey is no longer dead. Cyclops never causes a mutant genocide. Iceman doesn't stay in the closet. Angel never loses his wings. At one point, there are legitimate barriers keeping them in the future, which play out in X-men: Battle of the Atom. However, most of those barriers crumble throughout Cullen Bunn's run on X-men Blue. They're now at a point where they not only have the ability to go back. They accept that they must go back.

While the logistics of that story play out in Extermination, there's room for reflections and reconciliations. X-men Blue #35 doesn't act as a prelude to Extermination as much as it does an epilogue to the journey that Brian Michael Bendis began in All-New X-men. These characters, despite the many myriad of complications incurred by time travel, are in a very different place than they were when they first arrived. Some improve their situations. Some see it become much worse. In any case, they're all painfully aware of the headaches generated by time travel.

No matter their status, these iconic characters are no longer the wide-eyed idealists that they were when Charles Xavier began training them. They've seen a future where ideals get tainted at every turn and spirits get broken almost as often. In doing so, these characters diverge considerably from the path they were on before. The structure of X-men Blue #35 is built around each member of the time-displaced X-men confronting their future selves, but affirming that they're not the same person.

The problem is they can't be the person they've become anymore. Beast makes clear that in order to avoid any further pitfalls relating to time travel, he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have to forget everything they've experienced during their time in the future. Going back with the knowledge they have, from who wins in every superhero civil war to who plays in every Super Bowl, has serious implications for the overall continuity of the Marvel universe. Given the many convolutions of that continuity, as it stands, the timeline just can't handle that.

This makes for a strange, but intriguing tension between the characters. In each conversation they have with their future selves, they try to affirm they're their own person. However, they also acknowledge that they can't separate themselves from who they're destined to become. If they do, they break reality and after the events of Secret Wars, the timeline just can't handle that.

Each member of the time-displaced X-men deals with their own existential crisis, of sorts. Jean comes off as having a full-blown identity crisis, lamenting at how she feels false in the presence of her older self. To some extent, she's right. She and her teammates aren't the "true" version of the original five X-men at this point in the timeline. They're anomalies that have to disappear completely in order to keep reality intact. To them, though, going back to their own time doesn't mean resolving a long-standing time travel plot. It means erasing themselves from existence.

It's actually Bobby who seems to understand this more than the others. For him, going back in time means going back to being closeted and that bothers him. It's one of those ideas that would bother anyone identifying as LGBT, having to go back to that isolated place and live a lie. Even though his older self is in a much better place in terms of accepting his identity, it doesn't make the underlying notion less distressing.

That's the overall sentiment of each time-displaced character in X-men Blue #35. They agonize over the idea that everything they've done in the present will only serve those in the present. They still have to go back and endure all the hardships, heartaches, and losses. Despite accepting that they must return to their own time, they establish that their preference is to stay. Existing is just inherently more appealing to oblivion.

While it's easy to sympathize with those feelings, Bunn belabors the consequences of following those feelings. Parallel to the interactions between the time-displaced X-men and their counterparts, there are brief flash-forwards that depict the future that unfolds if they don't go back. This side-story doesn't just link X-men Blue #35 with the events of Extermination. It reveals the extent of the existential crisis the X-men face.

Even if going back to their own time is overdue, there are still a lot of problems that these characters want to resolve. Angel is still going to lose his mind and become a horseman of Apocalypse. Cyclops is still going to end up dead and vilified for all the wrong reasons. Beast is still going to end up a blue, furry ape man who plays fast and loose with time machines. Despite the many harsh realizations they've endured, they still retain that youthful idealism that defines the original five X-men.

If that's the primary goal in X-men Blue #35, it definitely succeeds. In terms of furthering the various other plots that have been unfolding since X-men Blue began, it doesn't fail, but it comes up short. There's a lot of lamentation and frustration, but not much else. This being the penultimate issue of the series, there isn't time to tie up every loose end. However, that's the appeal/irony of time travel stories. If everything were resolved, then time travel wouldn't be necessary in the first place.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Tenuous Temporal Deconstruction: Extermination #1

The following is my review of Extermination #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There comes a point in every time travel story where the damage to the timeline become untenable. Sometimes, it takes too long to get to that point and when functional time machines are involved, that's saying something. It's debatable whether the original five X-men that, as ripped from the earliest issues of Uncanny X-men, have gotten to that point, but the circumstances surrounding Extermination #1 make a pretty convincing case that their time has come.

The details are unavoidable. The reasons why the time-displaced X-men came to the future and stayed there are obsolete. Cyclops never causes a mutant genocide. Jean Grey doesn't stay dead. Angel doesn't permanently lose his mind. Iceman doesn't stay in the closet. Everything that once horrified them about the future no longer applies. It makes their continued presence both superfluous and confusing. Ed Brisson and Pepe Larraz promise to resolve that with Extermination.

That necessarily requires more time travel and all the timeline-twisting machinations that come with it. As Back to the Future so eloquently demonstrates in 1985, the source of the temporal disruption must also be the solution to some extent. The events of Extermination #1 just add more urgency, as well as a new threat that promises to step up the time tables, literally and figuratively.

The nature of that threat is vague, but it involves familiar names. Things happen fast and suddenly. Big messy battles unfold, giving Larraz plenty of chances to create stunning visuals. There are also multiple casualties, each of which have weighty implications. However, since casualties in a time travel story are often tenuous at best, the drama is limited. Despite this temporal barrier, Brisson and Larraz find plenty of ways to inject it into the plot.

The stakes go beyond the integrity of the timeline. They get personal very quickly and hit the time-displaced X-men right in the proverbial heart. Some get hit harder than others and the emotions from characters like Cyclops and Jean Grey are palpable. For a time travel story, which often relies heavily on sub-plots laden with sci-fi technobabble, this kind of heartfelt anguish is refreshing. It makes Extermination #1 feel like something other than a time travel story, of which the X-men have many.

However, some of that melodrama comes off as forced. In between the destructive battles, the personal dimensions of the conflict emerge from outstanding side-plots that have been unfolding among the time-displaced X-men in recent years. The overall structure of Extermination #1 doesn't rely too heavily on it, but it doesn't complement it, either. There are even moments that don't entirely mesh with recent developments in the books that precede it.

The moments between Teen Cyclops and Bloodstorm don't really match with what has been going on with them in X-men Blue. There's an implied connection between them, but one that comes off as contrived for the sake of increasing the impact. The moments between Teen Jean, Rachel, and Cable also assume a lot about the relationship they have. While past issues of All-New X-men and X-men Gold establish that they are aware of one another, there's little indication that they've fleshed it out to any meaningful extent.

This doesn't make the events in Extermination #1 less coherent, but for anyone who has been following the journey of the time-displaced X-men, it feels disconnected from their over-arching story. To some extent, this keeps the story from getting bogged down by continuity. At the same time, it also overlooks the larger implications of the original five X-men's presence in the future. 

That's not a requirement to making the plot work, though. The time-displaced X-men don't need to have a deep, well-developed relationship with every character involved. Just knowing who Rachel and Cable are is enough to understand why the events that unfold are a big deal, both for original five X-men and the integrity timeline. It effectively shoves the cold, hard truth in their face in a way they can no longer ignore. Their presence in the future cannot continue. This is the end of the line for them and there's no scenario in which they can stay without incurring greater losses.

That's the underlying message of the story and Brisson effectively belabors that. Some characters, namely Teen Cyclops, openly acknowledge that they have to go back to their own time at some point. They even understand that has to happen soon, but there are a lot of factors keeping them in the future, including the unpleasant fact that one of their future selves is still dead. Like any approaching time paradox, though, they don't get much say in the matter.

When the past, present, and future finally catches up to the time-displaced X-men, it feels abrupt, yet necessary. There's a sense that there has to be consequences to them being in the future for as long as they have. Some characters suffer more than others and it weighs heavily on the time-displaced X-men. It also sets the stage for a much bigger, much more personal confrontation with two familiar characters who have a tendency to show up in dystopian futures.

Even with all these personal and temporal connections, there isn't a sense that what happens in Extermination #1 is a culmination of everything the time-displaced X-men have done. There's no critical mistake that puts them past the point of no return. Forces they neither control nor know about simply catch up to them and make them pay for daring to have personal attachments in the future. It's a common consequence of time travelers, but one that has just enough depth to work.

Extermination #1 certainly succeeds in firing the first shots in the conflict that will ultimately send the original five X-men back to the past. There's little mystery as to who is behind it. Brisson doesn't drag anything out and still leaves room for plenty of intrigue. The situation is dire, but it isn't hopeless and since the X-men are always one misstep away from creating another dystopian future, that counts for a lot.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Poison and Perils Within Symbiotic Plots: Venomized #1

The following is my review of Venomized #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Alien life has an uncanny ability to fascinate because it is, by definition, alien. Humans have amazing imaginations, but no matter how creative or elaborate it gets, it's still limited by the amount of gray matter within the human brain. Alien creatures like the symbiotes, whose function is both radically different and somewhat disturbing in the context of the non-comic book world, push those perceptions even further.

As a character, Venom checks all the right boxes for a menacing creature operating with an alien mindset. It's not just some monstrous glob with a biological imperative to hate Spider-Man. A part of that hatred comes directly from its alien persona. It's part of a race whose survival depends on more than just finding a host. It must also improve that host, something that puts it far beyond any tapeworm or tick.

Venom, and symbiotes in general, take on the best and worst of a host, turning the volume on their most defining traits up to the max and beyond. For someone like Eddie Brock, it takes almost any story to extremes. Whether it's trying to kill Spider-Man or a cosmic journey with time-displaced X-men, every element takes on an a more intense context. Whereas hating Spider-Man is a fairly common narrative that has played out any number of ways since the Reagan Administration, Cullen Bunn crafts a different story with Venom in Venomized.

Spinning right out of the events of X-men Blue, another series Bunn writes, Venomized builds directly on top of those events that brought Venom into conflict with the Poisons. That story establishes that, like all forms of life, there's competition for resources, as well as diseases. For symbiotes, Poisons are both. Bunn establishes that these creatures are to symbiotes what mosquitoes and malaria are to humans.

In Venomized #1, the Poisons grow even bolder. Whereas Poison X in X-men Blue focused primarily on the time-displaced X-men, this story expands that conflict to the wider Marvel universe. The X-men, the Avengers, SHIELD, Spider-Man, and even the villains who fight them get involved. The symbiotes don't discriminate. When it comes to hosts, they're more egalitarian than most humans can hope to be.

Much of the story revolves around corrupted symbiotes attacking and infecting other heroes. It makes for plenty of colorful sequences involving major characters like Thor, Hercules, Storm, and Iron Heart getting infected. It's not the kind of epic struggle that often plays out with Spider-Man every time he encounters a symbiote, nor does it try to be. Turning heroes into hosts is just part of a larger agenda that unfolds quickly and chaotically.

It's an agenda that's more ambitious than anything Venom has attempted before. With and without a host, be it Peter Parker or Eddie Brock, Venom is a highly individualistic character. Sometimes it's downright greedy, which is part of what leads it to clashing with Spider-Man so often. It makes for an unusual dichotomy, having that sense of individualism while still needing a host to survive. That's part of what gives Venom his character. It's also part of how it influences its hosts.

By contrast, the Poisons work to subvert the individualism in symbiotes like Venom. They're not content with simply improving a host, which is as far as any symbiote will go. They'll completely consume it and use the body of that host to empower a larger collective. It's like communism mixed with parasitism mixed with cannibalism. Even by symbiote standards, it's pretty gruesome.

The elements of a larger symbiote war are in place. However, Venom and the time-displaced X-men are behind the curve for most of the story in Venomized #1. They don't arrive on the scene until after the Poisons have landed and started attacking the heroes. Even when they do arrive, they aren't able to do much to slow the Poisons down. Their already several steps ahead of them. While this does add more urgency to the story, it also hinders it in some ways.

Things don't just happen quickly. There's a lot that apparently happens off-panel. Even if the agenda of the Poisons is fairly clear, the details are somewhat lost in the spectacle. That's to be expected, to some extent, for a story that covers so much ground with so many characters. However, those lack of details creates the impression that there's so much more going on behind the scenes and too little of it unfolds in the actual narrative.

While this helps create many symbiote-fueled battles throughout Venomized #1, there isn't much in terms of drama. Compared to the Poisons X arc that played out in X-men Blue, there aren't a whole lot of emotions to explore beyond Thor and Hercules drunkenly stumbling out of a bar. Even when Spider-Man gets involved, a character whose history with symbiotes is full of drama, the drama falls fairly flat.

The potential for drama is still there and hints of it even emerge towards the end once Carnage enters the picture. It's still somewhat limited in terms of impact. The story has plenty of structure to build around, going back to the Edge of the Venomverse. It's only lacking the dramatic weight that gives greater purpose to all the symbiote-fueled fighting.

Even without that weight though, Venomized #1 still has plenty to offer. It's very much in keeping with the spirit of symbiotes and extremes. It puts heroes and villains alike in a position where they have to take part in a war that spans the both the multiverse and Venom's own personal ego. In terms of scope, it's hard to get more extreme than that.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Transcending Time-Tested Tropes: X-men Blue #20

The following is my review of X-men Blue #20, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Time travel stories are kind of like those needlessly loud stereo systems that some people put in their cars. From a purely functional standpoint, there's not much to gain by having the ability to project music at volumes that make most peoples' ears bleed. However, the functionality of such a system is hardly reflective of its value. There are other, less tangible reasons why someone would want those systems in their cars. More than anything else, such elaborate systems create equally elaborate spectacles.

Time travel plots are similar in that they rarely function as a means to simplify or clarify a story. Most of the time, they create additional complications that only get more complicated when time paradoxes enter the picture. Such stories may not be simple, but they can work even in light of those paradoxes, as multiple Back to the Future movies have proven. The X-men also have a better track record than most when it comes to compelling time travel stories, going all the way back to Days of Future Past from the Chris Claremont era. Cullen Bunn and R.B. Silva are making a concerted effort to channel Claremont's skills with Cross Time Capers in X-men Blue.

In some respects, this is a story that had to happen sooner or later. Going all the way back to the early days of All-New X-men, when the original five X-men first ventured into the future, those inescapable complications that come with time travel continue plaguing the young X-men. They can't avoid the fact that their presence in the future and their absence in the past is bound to have serious ramifications. Some of those ramifications play out over the course of their story, particularly in events like X-men: Battle of the Atom.

With Cross Time Capers, though, Bunn puts the time-displaced X-men in a position to confront the consequences of their time-traveling shenanigans. It may have taken longer for them to feel those consequences, but they finally get a sense of perspective throughout the arc. It's only in the concluding conflicts in X-men Blue #20 that they gain a better understanding of how they're affecting the space-time continuum.

If there's any lesson the original five X-men should learn from this, it's that when there's a gaping hole in the timeline, someone or something will come along to exploit it. Biff Tannen did it in Back to the Future. The future Brotherhood of Mutants, led by Charles Xavier Jr. and his omega-level daddy issues, do the same. While they're not quite as ambitious as Biff Tannen, they are every bit as devious. What they do to exploit the time-displaced X-men's absence is neither subtle nor minor. It leaves an impact, one that goes beyond the usual lessons learned by messing with time travel.

Bunn closely follows the traditions of Chris Claremont in that respect in that the sci-fi elements associated with time travel are secondary to the dramatic elements. The story is less about the original five X-men traveling through time to fix the past than it is about them confronting the consequences of their actions. Their continued presence in the future has consequences and these are the kinds of consequences that literally fight back.

It's that element of drama that helps subvert the usual complications and confusion often associated with time travel. Classic stories like Days of Future Past show that this is an effective way to give time travel stories a genuine impact without making every other conversation an existential crisis on time paradoxes. Those conversations still happen in X-men Blue #20, but the assorted techno-babble is kept to a minimum.

Instead, Bunn relies on converging the various elements seeded throughout the journey that unfolds in Cross Time Capers, throwing a many of them as possible in the final battle. It's a battle that Silva effectively turns into a colorful, vibrant spectacle that feels epic in both size and scope. While it unfolds quickly, it hits on all the necessary dramatic elements, from confronting Xavier Jr. to the original five X-men reuniting with their mentor. Each moment carries weight and without incurring more time paradoxes.

That's not to say the time travel elements don't also carry weight in this story. Given the circumstances and context of the original five X-men's time displacement, those aspects of the conflict are unavoidable. The story clearly establishes that their decisions in the future have an impact on the past. It also provides some ominous, albeit not too surprising, foreboding about the decisions they'll have to make at some point.

Like Battle of the Atom before it, Cross Time Capers makes clear that what the original five X-men are doing still has an impact on the overall timeline. The choices they make, the battles they fight, and the impact they have on the past and future all matter. It also puts the team in an awkward position because to some extent, they already know what they'll end up having to do. It's like reading an unwanted spoiler in that they can't unread it.

This is where X-men #20 stumbles a bit into the inevitable complications of time travel stories. Even with the drama, there are some details that don't get fleshed. There are moments that have the potential to become very emotional and impactful, but some of that potential is lost for the sake of keeping the story going. Certain elements from the early parts of the story don't really play a role in the final battle, but they aren't rendered meaningless by the final conclusion.

In terms of the most critical elements, X-men Blue #20 handles those very well. There's reason and purpose behind every decision. The motivations and emotions of each character is clear. The events of previous issues influence the outcome of the final battle. Even with the complications of time travel and the erratic pacing of that final battle, the end result is a concise, cohesive story that satisfies as much as any time travel story can without getting too caught up in paradoxes.

That's not just an accomplishment that honors the standards set by Chris Claremont. It's a testament to the unique challenges of time travel stories. They have so many moving parts and so many potential complications that may or may not result in someone like Biff Tannen messing up the timeline. Being able to tell that story and not lose track of all the frustrating time travel tropes that derail so many stories is quite a feat. While Cross Time Capers may not be in the same league as Back to the Future, it certainly makes the case that those stories are still worth telling.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Doubling (And Tripling) Down On Time Travel: X-men Blue #16

The following is my review of X-men Blue #16, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a certain point in a narrative where a certain subplot either needs to be abandoned or shoved back into the spotlight. It's like that point in a poker game where pushing all the chips to the center of the table is the only sound tactic left. It's a major risk and one that potentially undermines the entire foundation of a story, but the payoff is significant. For the time-displaced X-men in X-men Blue, the time is right for that kind of gamble.

There's no getting around it. Since arriving from the past in the pages of All-New X-men, the mission of the original five X-men seems to change every other week. One week, they're trying to stop Cyclops from ushering in a full-blown mutant genocide. The next, they're joining Cyclops to become mutant revolutionaries. The week after that, they're working with Magneto, the same guy who tried to kill them on their first mission. While it's not uncommon for teenagers to have erratic priorities, time travel seems to exacerbate the situation for the time-displaced X-men.

Beyond these varying missions and allegiances, though, there remains one common, unresolved thread. These time-displaced X-men are, for reasons not yet explained, cannot go back to the future. The events of X-men: Battle of the Atom establish that there is something keeping these time traveling teenagers stuck in the future. The nature of that mechanism is vague and rarely hinted it. For the most part, it's like Spider-Man's marriage in that it's overtly ignored for the most part.

In X-men Blue #16, Cullen Bunn and Thony Silas finally revisit this issue in a way that requires them to push those proverbial chips to the center of the table. It all happens quickly and under the backdrop of some typical teenage melodrama that always seems to find its way into the pages of X-men Blue. The mixture and transitions aren't always seamless, but few things involving teenage melodrama are.

That melodrama is only a small part of a much more serious conflict that has roots that extent back to X-men: Battle of the Atom and beyond. Anyone who has seen Back To The Future more than once understands the erratic and chaotic nature of time travel. Mess with the timeline too much and eventually, it'll get impatient. Whatever patience kept the original five X-men intact in the future seems to have run out, albeit quite suddenly.

There's little build-up or foundation to the sudden fracturing of time. It just starts happening, forcing the time-displaced X-men to react on the spot. Part of that reaction involves them engaging in more time travel. On the surface, that seems like fighting fire with napalm. In this rare instance, though, it makes sense and it addresses an important issue that has remained vague since X-men: Battle of the Atom.

Even those who haven't seen Back To The Future understand on some levels that time travel, especially one that involves changing the past, tends to incur an unpredictable impact on the present. For the most part, the impact of the original five X-men being in the future hasn't been that significant. The final few issues of Dennis Hopeless' run on All-New X-men even imply that their presence may not affect the timeline at all, which undermines the entire premise of a time travel story to begin with.

Like the events of X-men: Battle of the Atom, the temporal details remain vague. However, X-men Blue #16 ditches much of those subtleties and makes one thing very clear. The original five X-men's presence is indeed having an impact on the timeline. They aren't just a bunch of clones or alternate versions of themselves from a dystopian future, of which the Marvel universe already has plenty. They are from the same timeline and what they do does effect the present. That reaction may have been delayed, but it's happening.

It's an important facet that Bunn and Silas belabor, which helps establish the premise and the stakes of the Cross Time Capers arc that begins in X-men Blue #16. It's an overdue dose of clarity for an issue that many recent stories involving the time-displaced X-men go out of their way to ignore. It's both refreshing and profound in that sense that it gives the story genuine stakes, but still doesn't forget that those involved are teenagers. That means that no matter how serious the story may be, there's going to be some entertaining awkwardness along the way.

There is some of that in X-men Blue #16, but not nearly enough. Much of the melodrama involves ongoing emotional entanglements between Cyclops and Jean Grey. While those kinds of entanglements are a major part of X-men drama, regardless of timeline, they seem somewhat forced. It's as though these two always have to have the same kind of drama thrown in, as though that's the only drama they know. Being teenagers, that's less believable than anyone shooting lasers from their eyes.

Even if the melodrama is forced and the pace is quick, the sheer intensity of X-men Blue #16 make it a solid beginning to what promises to be a chaotic arc involving time travel. Given how X-men Blue is coming off an event that involved Mojo, that's saying something. Bunn's concise storytelling and Silas' colorful lay a solid foundation that has the potential to incur more significant implications than anything the time-displaced X-men have experienced to date. Like Marty McFly though, they will likely have to learn about those implications the hard way.

Final Score 6 out of 10

Clawing For Relevancy: X-men Blue #4

The following is my review of X-men Blue #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for certain comic book characters to be too awesome. It's rarely the fault of the characters themselves. The problem is that when one writer finds a winning formula, a hundred others work tirelessly to recreate it, which leads to some predictably spectacular failures. With all due respect to characters like Hyperion and Sentry, the sheer volume of characters that try to match Superman's winning formula proves that even great success can breed greater problems.

When it comes to the X-men, Wolverine is the spitting, swearing poster boy of this issue. In terms of the overall X-men mythos, he is the standard by which all others are measured. He's an amazing character with a convoluted, but compelling past. He has personality, charisma, and mass appeal that's easy to stick on a T-shirt or lunch box. Few characters can hope to match that standard. Some characters, such as X-23, come surprisingly close. Others, however, fail miserably and become afterthoughts at best.

Up until Secret Wars, Jimmy Hudson was a case study in such failure. In the now-defunct Ultimate Marvel, he attempts to replace Wolverine and falls woefully short at every turn. He does nothing to distinguish himself. He brings nothing new or compelling to the story. He's basically just a teenage Wolverine, minus the skills, the mysterious past, the personality, and the overall appeal. At a time when there are so many other characters, such as X-23 and Old Man Logan, who do a much better job following that formula, Jimmy Hudson enters X-men Blue with some significant headwinds.

In some respects, he's entering a favorable situation. Like him, the original five X-men are exiled from their own timeline. They're also teenagers with lofty legacies to live up to. However, the baggage of being a failed replacement character from a failed series is not easy to escape. Cullen Bunn and Julian Lopez try to make the case in X-men Blue #4 that Jimmy can overcome that baggage. The verdict, however, is incomplete. The jury is still out, but the evidence is not on Jimmy's side.

The structure of the story, itself, as concise and well-crafted. The original five X-men respond to news of a distressed mutant. That's what the X-men of all generations do, time displaced or otherwise. Bunn establishes in the first three issues that this is the core mission of the team. It's simple, familiar, and functional. It works in the sense that it brings out the best in the original five X-men. It continues to work in X-men Blue #4. However, when Jimmy Hudson enters the picture, this core mission clashes with his heaviest baggage.

If Jimmy didn't have claws, wasn't related to Logan, and hadn't been part of a defunct world that stopped being relevant years ago, then his appearance would have some intrigue. Instead, he enters the world of X-men Blue in a way that's so familiar, so predictable, and so devoid of drama that it's hard to get excited about his arrival. Nothing he does sets him apart as a new and intriguing character. If anything, everything he does will just make Wolverine fans miss Logan.

It's one of Jimmy Hudson's biggest problems, both as a character and as plot for X-men Blue #4. It's a problem that has lingered since his first appearance in Ultimate X. The fact that Jimmy Hudson is Logan's son isn't the issue. The problem is he does nothing to really set himself apart.

In every comic since his first appearance, he doesn't carry himself as Jimmy. He carries himself as teenage Logan. It would be far more intriguing if someone had just cast a magic spell and reverted Logan back to a teenager. Given the abundance of overpowered sorcerers and time machines in the Marvel universe, that really isn't much of a stretch.

That all-too familiar tradition continues in X-men Blue #4. All the familiar Logan tropes are there. Jimmy is alone in a hostile wilderness, stuck in a blood rage, and can't remember where he came from. These are all core themes of at least a dozen other Wolverine stories since 1975. There's nothing distinct or memorable here. Jimmy once again conducts himself as a teenage Logan and nothing more. Unlike the original five X-men, though, he can't use time displacement as an excuse.

It might be understandable for Jimmy to struggle to escape his Logan's shadow in the sense that he sets the bar pretty high. Wolverine is one of the most popular comic book characters of all time. He's the one who helped make Hugh Jackman famous. Expecting Jimmy to even come close to that bar seems unreasonable. However, that excuse fails too because there is a precedent, which further undermines Jimmy's case.

Other characters inspired or derived from Wolverine have succeeded. Both X-23 and Daken have established themselves as solid, compelling characters who can hold their own without being too similar to Logan. X-23 does such a good job of this that she went onto become one of the best parts of the last Wolverine movie. Jimmy Hudson, though, gives no impression that he deserves a role next to Hugh Jackman.

Unlike Daken and X-23, Jimmy does nothing to stand out whether he's in a fight or standing on a street corner. His only distinguishing feature is his blond hair. If Molina were to use the wrong color, then few would be able to discern Jimmy from an overly youthful Logan. Given all the other distinguishing traits of Daken and X-23, which include tattoos and different claw configurations, Jimmy feels less like a derivation and more of a rip-off.

At the very least, his presence doesn't derail the story in X-men Blue #4. Bunn never makes him the primary focal point and that keeps the narrative on-track and consistent with the themes of the series. Jimmy's presence even manages to incur a distinct twist to the story that couldn't be done with X-23 or Daken. He acts primarily as a catalyst for the original five X-men's next challenge. He succeeds in this, but fails be distinct or compelling at any point in the process.

He's still that character who failed miserably to fill the void left by Logan's death in Ultimate Marvel. Now, he's in a world where two other characters can claim some measure of success, one of which made Dafne Keen famous. Jimmy is a long way from that kind of success. That baggage is still as heavy as ever. He's still that character few mourned when Ultimate perished at the end of Secret Wars. Escaping that baggage isn't easy and with X-men Blue #4, he's off to a poor start.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

An Original Cast With Renewed Energy: X-men Blue #1

The following is my review of X-men Blue #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Some concepts work well in any era, no matter the context. Those concepts are few and far between, but their universal appeal is what helps make them iconic. When it comes to the original five X-men, as created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby over 50 years ago, they check all the right boxes with respect to those concepts.

They're young, idealistic, vulnerable, determined, anxious, eager, and even a little arrogant at times. They believe in following a dream. They also haven't experienced the harshest realities of the real world, which tend to crush dreams like Juggernaut in a china shop. Since arriving in a future where they find out their future selves are dead, disfigured, or had lost their minds, they fight desperately to cling to those dreams. Despite the knowledge that those dreams shattered under the weight of cosmic forces, psychic manipulation, and evil clones, they still fight for that dream. It says a lot about both their youthful spirit, as well as their youthful arrogance.

They may not need that arrogance quite as much these days. After the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, the dream the original five X-men fight for isn't quite as shattered as before. Mutants are no longer being gassed to death by a giant green cloud and the Scarlet Witch hasn't had a mental breakdown lately. That means mutants have a future again and, despite being the product of an out-of-control time travel plot, they seek to forge part of that future in X-men Blue.

Cullen Bunn and Jorge Molina bring the original five X-men back together in X-men Blue #1, attempting to capture as much of those classic concepts as possible while fitting them into a new status quo. That includes everything from teenagers complaining about random things and fighting the Juggernaut. By all those lofty standards of the Kirby/Lee tradition, it still checks the right boxes boxes.

From the outset, the story is fairly basic. The Original Five X-men go up against an old enemy in Black Tom, but from their time-displaced perspective, he's a fresh face with a sinister mustache. There's not much to Black Tom's plot. He's just holding a lot of rich people hostage, twirling his sinister mustache, and generally doing all the things Lex Luthor used to do before he got into politics.

There may not be much complexity to that plot at first, but it still leads to some entertaining theatrics that allow the time-displaced X-men to stop lamenting about their future selves and just be heroes. Given that they're still teenagers, there is some lamenting, but Bunn makes sure it's doesn't devolve into the kind of teen angst that often plagued the characters after Secret Wars. That makes the effect of X-men Blue #1 all the more profound because it shifts the tone back to a sense of youthful idealism. After surviving a poison gas cloud, it's a shift that needed to happen.

As the story unfolds, new complexities emerge. The narrative doesn't just rely on a group of teenage mutants flying in and saving the day. The battle also illustrates some new dynamics within the team. Most notably, Jean Grey is now the leader. It may not be akin to making Doop the leader, but the change is notable in the way the X-men conduct themselves.

It's different in that Cyclops doesn't go barking out orders while everyone else jokes about how uptight he is. Jean Grey's style of leadership is different in that she'll spearhead the charge, but trusts her teammates to handle themselves, even against someone like Juggernaut. This style isn't without its faults though. They quickly get overwhelmed and end up having to wing it in order to save the day, so much that they end up having to cheat with magic.

This is where X-men Blue #1 ties itself into the larger narrative that has been unfolding with the time-displaced X-men since they arrived in the future back in All-New X-men. Bunn doesn't ignore the nuances have emerged with certain characters. In this case, Beast's newfound appreciation of magic proves pivotal, both in terms of resolving a conflict and establishing new levels of tension. It makes for different tactics, but it also leads to arguments and uncertainties about how the team operates. In a team made up of entirely of teenagers, that's always fertile ground for conflict.

It also establishes that while X-men Blue is relying on more traditional X-men dynamics, the team is still very much a work-in-progress. Jean Grey is still learning how to lead. Beast is still learning how to manage his new mystical abilities. All the while, Cyclops has to resist the urge to start barking out orders again. As a team, they're not a finished product. They're still rookies who have the potential to be all stars, but are a long way from that level.

That sense of growth is one of the greatest strengths in X-men Blue #1. Even though it uses a team line-up that was introduced during the Kennedy Administration, it still comes off as novel. It's very much a product of an evolving narrative, one that has taken many twists and come dangerously close to being derailed. Magic and tactics aside, Bunn seems to have the original five X-men back on track and Molina's artwork makes them look good while they do it.

That track even has some interesting turns towards the end. While the story starts off as fairly basic, it gains greater intrigue towards the end. There are hints and teases about the Original Five X-men's larger goals and how they intend to go about it. Coming on the heels of a classic clash that brings new energy to a team that underwent so much upheaval, X-men Blue #1 creates a new foundation for an old cast of characters. For characters are teenagers, time-displaced, and dabbling in magic, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

The Truth Hurts (and Astonishes): All-New X-men #18

The following is my review of All-New X-men #18, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The truth is supposed to hurt. The truth is supposed to set us free. Lies are supposed to be cockroaches that run into the cracks of the wall the second a light is exposed. That's the narrative the real world tries to convey, if only to convince children not to lie when they've taken one too many cookies from the cookie jar. It's not an entirely false narrative, but it is incomplete.

Lies can be every bit as harsh as the truth and the X-men comics have been demonstrating this since the conclusion of Secret Wars. So much of the narrative surrounding the X-men and their struggles against the Terrigen Mists is built around certain assumptions that helped give the story weight. Those assumptions included the understanding that Cyclops committed this horrible, heinous atrocity that made mutants more hated than whoever came up with Deadpool's mouthless design in Wolverine Origins.

Both the X-men and the readers share in these assumptions for most of the X-men's narrative after Secret Wars. Then, Death of X comes along and reveals the truth that these assumptions are inaccurate. The so-called crimes committed by Cyclops aren't his crimes. They aren't even his idea. They are an elaborate ruse, one only known to a select few individuals. It's not a conspiracy theory on the same level as Captain America being a Hydra agent, but it still has major implications.

Now, as Inhumans vs. X-men unfolds, this effects of this ruse are getting harder to conceal. All-New X-men #18, which directly ties into the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, sets the stage for undoing this ruse. Dennis Hopeless has a chance to explore the breadth of teen Cyclops' torment, being reviled for what his older self did and stuck in a future where every horrible thing anybody does exists forever on social media. Hopeless doesn't squander that chance and crafts one of the most dramatic issues of All-New X-men since Secret Wars.

It's not just that the truth finally comes out. Teen Cyclops does learn about the elaborate ruse surrounding the events of Death of X. That's actually the simplest part of the story. It's how Hopeless sets it up that gives it so much dramatic weight. The fact that this drama has nothing to do with Jean Grey, clones of Jean Grey, or a Shi'ar sneak attack makes this all the more remarkable.

Most of the story takes place in between the panels of the main Inhumans vs. X-men series. Teen Cyclops is part of the main attack on New Attilan. However, he doesn't contribute too much to this attack. The fact that he's an inexperienced teenager who has yet to become the man who will one day hook up with both Jean Grey and Emma Frost certainly shows. This is actually important to the structure of the story.

Hopeless makes it a point to show just how unpolished this version of Cyclops is. He's not the master tactician who fights Sentinels for breakfast and takes down Apocalypse before brunch. He's still a kid who's struggling with the legacy his older self left behind. That legacy, however skewed it may be, torments him in ways that have guided his story since the conclusion of Secret Wars. To this point, it's a burden he carries and one he thinks he can never escape. This helps make the Death of X spoilers all the more powerful.

It's not one of those reveals that's akin to Morpheus offering a teenage Cyclops the red pill. If anything, the reveal is a byproduct of another plot unfolding between the panels of Inhumans vs. X-men. Specifically, this plot involves Mosaic, the Inhuman who can possess other bodies. This ability is key to balancing the scales of the conflict, which to this point has played out in the X-men's favor. Part of this process involves him possessing teen Cyclops. While it's not entirely clear why this needs to be part of Mosaic's plan, it does have an important impact, even if it's unintended.

Mosaic's actions may very well be critical to advancing the main plot of Inhumans vs. X-men, even if the particulars are unclear, but what he does in All-New X-men #18 may end up having much bigger implications for Cyclops and the rest of the time-displaced X-men. Unintended or not, he helps teen Cyclops uncover the truth about what happened to his older self. More importantly, he finds out who is really behind the burdens, the self-loathing, and the angry flame wars on message boards.

This knowledge threatens the X-men's plans and motivations in Inhumans vs. X-men. Emma Frost is a major driving force in these plans and only a select few know of her role in Death of X. Now teenage Cyclops knows and is in a position to react with a level of extreme melodrama that only a teenager can appreciate. It doesn't just create a major turning point in teen Cyclops' overall narrative. It may very well change the entire outlook that he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have on navigating the future.

This dramatic shift is the biggest selling point of All-New X-men #18. Hopeless doesn't get too bogged down in the various nuances of the Inhumans vs. X-men conflict and, given the various flaws surrounding this conflict, this helps keep the story concise. However, some of those flaws do manifest at times. The whole concept of Cyclops being a war criminal for attacking a cloud still feels exceedingly contrived. It makes some of teen Cyclops' various musings seem forced, even by the lofty standards of teenage melodrama.

It leads to some parts being choppy and chaotic, but it doesn't take away from the impact of the main plot in All-New X-men #18. Mark Bagley's colorful renderings of the various moments helps to move things along as well. Whatever flaws there may be in the over-arching narrative of Inhumans vs. X-men, it doesn't undermine the big reveal that gives this issue so much weight.

It's not just another tie-in where a teenage character mopes and whines at being so overwhelmed. This story digs deeper, achieving an impact that goes beyond an ongoing crossover. For a tie-in that focuses on an anxious teenager, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

All-New X-men #13: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. We love redemption stories almost as much as we love underdog stories. Why else would Disney be inclined to give is three Mighty Ducks movies? That same part of us that roots for the psycho killer in a slasher movie also wants to see the bad guys redeem themselves. It worked for Return of the Jedi and everything since then has been trying to match it.

Sadly, Kid Apocalypse is no Darth Vader and O5 Iceman is no Neil Patrick Harris. There are no shitty prequels that hint that either of them may be more than just unlucky and under-developed. Kid Apocalypse had a chance to change his fate during Apocalypse Wars. He fucked that up, courtesy of O5 Beast. Now, he's back in the future and still doomed to become the genocidal asshat whose movie failed to out-gross Deadpool. It's a sad state of affairs to say the least, but just because he's screwed doesn't mean O5 Iceman has to share the same fate.

In All-New X-men #13, Kid Apocalypse attempts to cope with his shitty state by doing something awesome. He's going to try and get O5 Iceman laid. What kind of future genocidal madman do such a thing? The awesome kind, that's who.

With help from Idie, Kid Apocalypse sets out on a new mission that probably won't change his future, but it will help his friend get laid so it's not a total loss. They take O5 Iceman to Miami, a very gay-friendly city. I would know. I've yet to find a city that as many gay clubs as they have ass bleaching services. It's like one never-ending Lady Gaga concert. It's basically perfect for O5 Iceman to channel his inner Clay Akin and not have to worry about the Todd Akins of the world.

It's a chance O5 Iceman should be positively giddy over. Hell, he's giddy about most other shit. His entire history with the X-men involves him being an immature little shit. This time, however, he's more nervous than I am when I have to take a sobriety test the day after St. Patrick's Day. It's actually pretty revealing in that it brings out a different side of Bobby Drake. It's one who doesn't come off as a poor man's Spider-Man for once. He even reveals his bad history with dating women. It's probably the most personal he's ever gotten in a comic without being psychically manipulated by Emma Frost.

As nice as it is to see O5 Iceman show a little depth beyond being a half-rate class clown, he doesn't really put much energy into his first gay outing. Despite Idie going out of her way to introduce him to a few open-minded studs, he chickens out faster than vegan at a butcher shop. They manage to make him at least talk to these guys, which is usually not too hard for O5 Iceman. He ends up talking about cheese and McNuggts. It's not nearly as gay as it sounds.

If anything, it's downright forced. For someone who claims to finally be out and proud, he shows the same awkwardness around men as he does with women. I want to have sympathy for him, but as a man who finds Brad Pitt attractive, I can only offer so much.

So if O5 Iceman isn't going to cooperate, Kid Apocalypse is still going to find a way to be awesome. That means he's going to forget about how O5 Beast fucked him over and dance his troubles away in a gay club in Miami. By the horribly skewed standards of the Marvel universe, this is probably the healthiest way I've ever seen a future tyrant deal with his issues.

O5 Iceman can learn a thing or two from Kid Apocalypse. That's right. The future tyrant of the mutant race has valuable lessons for O5 Iceman at this point. That's the state he's in right now. How sad is that? He continues to ignore these lessons and tries to ditch the two awesome friends who are trying desperately to get him laid. Some people are just ungrateful fucks I guess.

He does manage to finally talk to someone in ways that don't involve what kind of fast food he enjoys. He lets Idie and Kid Apocalypse dance their problems away while he brags about his exploits with the X-men to a guy at a bar. I imagine the exploits of a superhero are intriguing to people of every major orientation. It beats listening to someone talk about that time their ex threw lit firecrackers in your car.

Then, just as it seems O5 Iceman is going to have his first Glee moment, he freaks out again. He goes all icy and makes a total fool of himself. I know O5 Iceman has a knack for being foolish, but at least he generally avoids being pathetic while he's at it. He doesn't avoid it this time. I may not be gay, but even I know freaking the fuck out is a dick move.

He ends up running out of the club as quickly as he can and into the back ally, which is stupid because that's how half of all horror movies and 85 percent of all porn, gay or straight, starts out. Lucky for him, he doesn't run into a guy in a hockey mask with a chainsaw. He just runs into a cute guy his age named Romeo. With a name like that, you get the feeling this can only end in tragedy.

It doesn't start out too tragic though. Again, O5 Iceman manages to have a meaningful conversation with a fellow gay guy. This time, he doesn't create a big fucking blizzard to kill everyone else's boners. I guess that counts as progress. They share some awkward man-love stories, none of which involve Ted Haggard or Catholic priests, so they seem to have some healthy similarities. Could this be O5 Iceman's chance to finally get a real taste of quality man love?

Sadly, the mood is ruined when a demon moth creature attacks. No, that's not a metaphor for an impromptu Trump rally. A demon moth creature actually attacks for no reason, out of nowhere, and completely without context. It's as contrived as it sounds.

This is where the story about O5 Iceman's first night out as an open gay guy basically goes to shit. Instead of seeing him go through some actual personal growth, we see him, Idie, and Kid Apocalypse fight a demon moth creature. At a time when the X-men are based in a fucking demon realm, this is like ninjas attacking Jack and Rose on the Titanic. It makes no fucking sense.

It's a bad night for O5 Iceman. It's a bad night for the X-men in general, having to fight another demon moth. There can't be too many ways to make it worse, right? Well, there is one way. How about an appearance by the fucking Racist Xenophobic Slave Owners whose other name I refuse to acknowledge on this blog? Yeah, those fuckers who Marvel keeps trying to push show up because apparently, the first gay guy O5 Iceman connects with happens to be one of them.

While this blog may give other impression, I'm actually a pretty calm and forgiving guy. I try not to get too petty and pissed off over certain people who aren't Fox News anchors. I can only try so much with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. I'm sorry, but I just can't be reasonable with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

Romeo ends up putting down the demon moth in the least entertaining way possible. Turns out he's an empath of sorts and he uses that to calm the damn thing down whereas Wolverine would've just stabbed it. The difference is one is boring as fuck and the other is totally badass, yet Marvel still wonders why nobody likes the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners as much as the X-men?

On top of that, Romeo actually busts O5 Iceman's balls and not in a sexy way for attacking the demon moth. Well it's not like the fucking thing tried to hug them when it showed up. What the fuck was he supposed to do? I wish O5 Iceman had pointed that out, but it's too late. Romeo still tries to argue that his kind don't hate mutants. They just can't be bothered to do jack shit about the big fucking cloud that's poisoning them. Really? If that's not hate on some levels, then I'll quit drinking tonight.

So thanks to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, everything that was interesting about this comic and all the boners it may have inspired are gone. O5 Iceman still gets Roemo's number, but I imagine it's going to be hard building a relationship around someone who rubs elbows with Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Dude, their giant fart cloud is killing his friends and his entire fucking race. I know love is supposed to conquer all, but love has its limits when genocide and legal issues over movie rights come into play.

So...is it awesome?

This comic is bound to piss off every anti-gay, family values, religious asshole from here to Mississippi. I can already here them crying like school girls in a room of spiders saying, "How dare a superhero comic not conform to my bullshit religious values! Now I have to have unpleasant conversations with my children! Why? WHY must I be inconvenienced like this?" It makes Glenn Beck cry. It makes Rick Santorum sick. It makes Mike Huckabee angry. In that sense, this book is a gift to the human race.

As an actual comic, however, it falls somewhat flat and the presence of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners doesn't help. I get that there's some Shakespearean appeal to falling in love with someone from a forbidden society. Hell, the guy's name is Romeo for crying out loud. That appeal ends when one of the families belongs to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners whose fart cloud is poisoning all of Iceman's friends and fellow X-men and they're not doing jack shit about it. But I digress.

Other than fighting a demon creature, O5 Iceman and Romeo don't really don't accomplish much other than being able to form coherent sentences with one another. That's good for a one night stand, gay or straight. It's shitty for pretty much everything beyond that. I like that O5 Iceman gets a chance to play the field, but the fact that the only like-minded stud he could find in Miami was a Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner is pretty fucked.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

All-New X-men #12: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. Teenagers have a fucked up understanding of romance. It's not entirely their fault. Every day, they're constantly bombarded by bullshit love songs and vampire novels that they don't understand that romance isn't contingent on someone being an emotional slave or a sparkling vampire. It takes a lot more than that. A drunk adult knows more about romance than a sober teenager.

I say this because even at my most drunk, which is saying something, I never got the impression that the relationship between X-23 and O5 Angel was meaningful romance. Is it sweet at times? Yes. Is it cute? Sure. Is it a blossoming romance? No. It's not. It just isn't. Ever since the events of Black Vortex, it's like they're just looking for an excuse to break up or star in their own vampire series. All-New X-men #12 promises to give them that excuse or drag this shit out even longer. We're either going to squee or we're going to throw up. Or maybe we'll do both. Either way, I'm drunk enough to handle both.

At the moment, there's about as much romantic chemistry between X-23 and O5 Angel as there is between a pile of dog shit and a dead frog. O5 Angel is going to some rich douche fashion gig in Milan. X-23 is alone, bored, and restless as fuck. Unlike most teenagers, bitching about things on Facebook and taking shitty selfies on Instagram doesn't help. She's the fucking Wolverine now. She needs to stab shit in order to function properly. That's still healthier than some of the teenage girls I knew in high school, but that's another story.

O5 Angel is gone. O5 Beast is locked in his lab, still fucked up after the events of Apocalypse Wars. Kid Apocalypse and Idie are out trying desperately to get O5 Iceman laid. On top of that, O5 Cyclops is still stuck in a wheelchair, recovering from shit that happened before Apocalypse Wars. Seeing as how his adult self ends up killing Charles Xavier, there's something poetically just about his condition.

He still makes the most of it. He takes some of O5 Beast's gear and helps X-23 find something to stab. On top of that, he sees how pissed off she is about O5 Angel. Being in a wheelchair doesn't make him less perceptive and understanding. It's enough to make you wonder why X-23 didn't make a greater effort to hump him instead of a perpetually brooding rich pretty boy. Maybe she just wasn't willing to dye her hair red or wear white lingerie. She has her limits, I guess.

With O5 Cyclops' help, she's off to start stabbing shit. With help from the junk food addicted Pickles, who is still way more fun than 99 percent of the shit we've seen from X-23 and O5 Angel's relationship, she arrives in the Amazon ready to bust some heads. There's some nice inner musings where Hopeless captures X-23's approach to a stab-heavy mission. It's an approach that would make Logan so proud.

There's just one problem. She arrives too late. Before she can start stabbing anyone, she finds out they've already been stabbed. Someone beats her to the punch. That's like stealing my whiskey or hiding Snoop Dogg's weed. It denies X-23 something that defines her. It's pretty damn infuriating. For a teenage girl with excessive stabbing tendencies, it can't be healthy.

She tries a couple more missions, courtesy of Pickels' teleporting and O5 Cyclops' aid. One takes her to Toronto where Mole Man is growing killer plants. One takes her to a train trying to suck up Inhuman fart clouds for Cameron Hodge. Both end up being a bust. Mole Man is already defeated. Then again, he's the kind of guy that Squirrel Girl can probably take down on an off-day so maybe that's a good thing.

It's when she finds Hodge beaten that X-23 really starts to get pissed. She needs to stab something, damn it! Hopeless makes this very clear with her inner musings. Again, it's a decent insight into the mind of a teenage girl who became Wolverine. The lack of stabbing is just getting to her, so much so that she drowns her sorrows in Twinkees. Unless you're a stoner, that's just physically and emotionally unhealthy.

Finally, she finds a mission where there's still something to stab. Naturally, it's in Florida, the land of gators, drunk Gator fans, and 95 percent of America's embarrassing headlines. There's a demon infestation at some self-storage unit. Considering the shit Florida tends to find in Disney World dumpsters, I'd say that's about a 6.2 on the weirdness factor. It doesn't matter though. It's finally something to stab.

For X-23, it's as therapeutic as a trip to Tahiti and an endless supply of martinis. She describes her inclination to violence as a curse, which makes her more self-aware than most teenagers who just think their English teacher is out to get them. She turns that curse into something positive, like stabbing demons and assholes who deserve it. That's perfectly in line with the legacy of Wolverine, taking an inclination to violence and doing something awesome with it. Pretty sure Logan would be crying tears of joy right now.

Logan would probably start banging his head against the wall when O5 Angel shows up to undermine X-23's therapeutic stabbing. He doesn't just show up reeking of rich douche and caviar either. He's packing a full Black Vortex powered rage boner, which helps incinerate demons and makes shit awkward with his pseudo-girlfriend. I say pseudo because I may be a little high and some teen romances just aren't genuine enough to be otherwise.

What follows disrupts a perfectly good demon-stabbing party. It's also a case study in all the shit that's wrong with the X-23/Angel relationship. Once again, O5 Angel lies. He yells at her for being so fucked up by normal standards, but perfectly healthy by Wolverine standards. X-23 admits she fakes not being fucked up around him. I doubt that's all she fakes. Keep in mind, she originally wanted to bone O5 Cyclops, the same guy who is destined to bone Jean Grey and Emma Frost. I'm pretty sure she knows on some level that she's getting sloppy seconds at best.

More yelling and bullshit teen angst follow. There's more demon fighting in between, but that shit gets crowded out by more yelling. O5 Angel brings up X-23's history of cutting herself, which is a nice reference to the wonderful run Marjorie Liu had with X-23. It's still a real dick move for him to bring up. It's not the only dick move between them. There's all the angst about X-23 letting herself get hurt all the damn time and O5 Angel getting too drunk on Black Vortex. It's shit we've heard before. It brings nothing new or meaningful to the table.

That, in my ways, is the biggest shortcoming of the Angel/X-23 relationship. They bitch and moan about the same shit again and again. They never really take more steps. Even teenagers understand shit needs to progress after a while. These two yell at each other about the same shit and it never fucking changes. They don't support each other. They lie to each other. They shut each other out. Even by teen standards, that's not a healthy relationship. There are Seinfeld reruns that have healthier relationships than this.

It would be a damn good time for these two to just cut their losses, end things right here, and try to salvage some form of friendship. If Gwyneth Paltrow can do it with her ex-husband, then they have no fucking excuse. Well, they need a fucking excuse now because despite all the unhealthy shit they yell at one another, they still come together and fucking kiss. It's like a fight on Jerry Springer that ends with a kiss, a blowjob, and a massage. It's totally out of place, out of character, and reeking of bullshit.

Again, Hopeless tries to make it sincere. It just comes off as forced. O5 Angel gets all angsty about the Black Vortex. X-23 comforts him. Somehow that's enough to overshadow all the fucked up problems they yelled at one another. I know teenagers are irrational creatures, but even their hormones and melodrama have their limit. X-23 just claims she understands and that's enough? I'm sorry, but understanding how fucked up someone is doesn't make for a healthy relationship. It makes for a competent therapist, but that's about it.

What about the demons? Well, they just fucking leave. That's right. It's not enough that this bullshit teen romance that even 90210 fans roll their eyes at seems destined to drag. The entertainment value that usually comes with a demon fight is essentially ditched. Are we really supposed to find more bullshit from X-23 and O5 Angel to be more entertaining? Maybe I'm too drunk to make sense of it, but that just doesn't seem right.

We do get a glimpse of the source of the demons. She looks like Madelyne Pryor. She has horns like Magik. I don't know who she is, but if her demons do a way with this bullshit teen romance that can only function through force, she can't be all evil.

So...is it awesome?

I usually do give points for effort, if only because my old gym and calculus teachers weren't so merciful. I get the sense Hopeless is genuinely trying to make X-23/Angel a thing. I really don't doubt his sincerity. The problem is that, even by teen drama standards, it falls flatter than warm bottle of non-alcoholic beer.

There's no way around it. X-23 and O5 Angel have to really be forced in order for them to function. That's like a marriage that can only work by having both members cheating on one another at all times. It gives absolutely no indication that it can function in a believable, compelling way. At a time when Deadpool's marriage to a succubus is the most functional relationship in the comics, that's pretty fucking sad. All-New X-men #12 tries to be deep. It doesn't fail miserably, but it doesn't succeed spectacularly either. It just ensures we'll have to endure this bullshit phony teen drama a bit longer. It may work on 90210, but even that shit got canceled after a while.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

All-New X-men #9: Nuff Said!

Some things can never be overdone. Masturbation, chocolate, and boobs come to mind. Marvel seems to be making a concerted effort to add time travel to that list. They've already introduced yet another overly dystopian future in Apocalypse Wars with Extraordinary X-men. Then again, the present is pretty fucking dystopian already thanks to clouds of Inhuman farts so that's really not saying much. Now, All-New X-men is joining the shit storm with Apocalypse Wars. And wouldn't you know it? More time travel is about to enter the picture.

Ignore for a moment how time travel will never be on the same level as chocolate. Apocalypse Wars is a huge opportunity for one particular character, Kid Apocalypse, to finally show that he's not destined to be the genocidal asshole who tries to wipe out all life on Earth every other week. But that would mean he would never be played by Oscar Isaac so maybe he'll be conflicted. Kid Apocalypse has a chance to start kicking destiny in the balls in All-New X-men #9. I just have another excuse to review comics and get drunk. So I still win motherfucker.

What's one way of kicking destiny in the balls? How about a kick-ass party? That's how college frat guys do it, minus the hazing and lighting of farts. Why not try it with mutants destined to destroy the world?

As it just so happens, Kid Apocalypse is celebrating a birthday. Granted, the circumstances of his birth are fucked, but it's still an excuse to have a party and he's a teenager so the circumstances mean precisely dick. And despite being in a world where clouds of Inhuman farts are maiming and sterilizing mutants, there are still enough to meet up in the ruins of Utopia and have a kick-ass party. We even manage to see a few faces that were basically MIA even before Secret Wars, like Transonic, Shark Girl, and Broo. They even have Kid Gladiator being a DJ. That's as awesome and fucked up as it sounds.

So in terms of having a birthday party, this is as awesome as it can get without involving strippers. Even a kid destined to be a world-destroying menace can't help but have a good time.

Even O5 Cyclops, who is still on the mend after getting his ass kicked by Toad (not a joke by the way), shows up to celebrate. There are smiles all around. Everybody is supporting Kid Apocalypse. There's only one tiny reference to O5 Angel bitching and moaning about his relationship with X-23. So overall, the shit that made them whiny and annoying for much of this series is totally absent. It's more than refreshing. It's way fucking overdue.

And yet, Kid Apocalypse still can't help but brood. However, I give him somewhat of a pass. Sure, he'll later be associated with Oscar Isaac, but he's still kind of bothered by the idea that he grows up to be this genocidal maniac. There's some great inner monologue here, which Dennis Hopeless hasn't done enough of in this series. It offers great insight into what Kid Apocalypse is contemplating on his birthday as he gets one year closer to being that madman who will one day get his own X-men movie. I normally don't say this about characters destined to be assholes, but it's hard not to like him.

On the flip side, it's easy to hate O5 Beast. I still feel the urge to kick him in the dick every time I see him in a comic. At least this time, he's trying to do something productive. After a painfully bland filler story with him and Dr. Strange, he's decided to address one of those annoying plots that hasn't even been mentioned since Battle of the Atom. That's right. He's actually trying to figure out why the O5 X-men can't go back to their own time.

It's an important and meaningful shift for O5 Beast, who has spent too much time bitching and moaning on a level preparing him to be his douchier older self. Someone has to figure out this shit that kept the O5 X-men in the present. It might as well be a douche-bag like Hank McCoy, armed with the arrogance of youth and some lessons from Dr. Strange. Considering his older self stole time travel technology from Dr. Doom, I'd say he's in a slightly better place. Sure, he's failing so far, but he still has an adorable pet bamf. So I'll give him that.

After borrowing the pet bamf and leaving O5 Beast to start picking at this annoyingly lingering plot hole, Kid Apocalypse takes a quick trip to a simpler setting. He goes to a generic, small-time town in Kansas. It's basically the kind of town Ted Cruz loved to campaign in, exploiting the politics of those who are poorly educated and dumbed down by religious indoctrination. Sure, he gets some shit there from some redneck types who hate mutants. But these assholes probably do the same Mexicans, Asians, and anyone else Mel Gibson ever ranted about. So it's all relative.

To his credit, Kid Apocalypse doesn't use this as an excuse to go into his first genocidal rage. I'm sure he's saving that for his 21st birthday. But more internal monologue offers more insight. Hopeless really shines here, fleshing him out while referencing the events of Uncanny X-Force. I'm still reluctant to like Kid Apocalypse, but damn it if Hopeless isn't making that difficult.

What makes him so likable is that he knows that he's destined to be a genocidal psychopath with an annoying resemblance to Ivan Ooze. He also knows that the memories he has of most of his life are all implanted lies, courtesy of Fantomex. He knows all of this, but he still makes a genuine effort to not be a total asshole. He could easily use this as an excuse to be a total dick, but he doesn't. He still makes an effort to be better. Not a lot of characters do that and some go out of their way to just be assholes.

Looking at you, Hope fucking Summers!

Kid Apocalypse arrives back on Utopia just as the party is winding down. He has a nice moment with Idie. She says they're all about to watch a birthday movie, probably American Pie or the Hangover. He's 16, remember? But he opts to check in with O5 Beast again so he can return his pet bamf. That's when he demonstrates why teenagers shouldn't be in close proximity to obscenely destructive shit.

Remember that magic mask that Dr. Strange gave O5 Beast? Well if you do, you have my sympathy because it means you had to read that shitty filler story in the previous issue. You didn't, don't bother and don't worry. All you need to know is Kid Apocalypse tries it on, it magically gets O5 Beast's time travel shit to work, and they're transported back into the past. Why? It's magic. It doesn't need to make sense. Ask Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson.

So where in the timeline do they end up? There are any number of shitty time periods they could've gone. Any that don't have indoor plumbing and bowls made out of lead are bad enough. But since O5 Beast has a fuckton of bad karma working against him, they land in Ancient Egypt. And not just the whip-cracking, Charlton Heston version of Egypt either. They arrive in the era of the Sandstormers, the brutally violent nomadic tribe that helped turn the first mutant into Apocalypse. They're basically a less polite version of a Mexican drug cartel. So yeah, this is what Apocalypse grew up around. Who wouldn't become a genocidal madman in that environment?

O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse arrive just in time to see the Sandstormers executing some random guy who probably just looked at them cross-eyed. That or this is basically they're only form of entertainment since internet porn and video games are still a few thousand years off. The Sandstormers greet their arrival with the same warmth as I would greet anyone who tries to steal my beer and piss on my lawn. They might even see this as a bonus. They were just going to execute a guy and get drunk. Now they have two more people to execute. It's like the ancient equivalent of finding an extra slice of pizza.

We get some intense, well-designed action scenes, courtesy of Mark Bagley. These aren't killer robots. These aren't drunk Toads either. These are the fucking Sandstormers. It's chaotic, but intense. It's very much reflective of the world Apocalypse came from. In that chaos, Kid Apocalypse manages to slip away with one of the younger Sandstormers who seems to have a problem with just executing people for shits and giggles. I guess that's just an obligatory statement that not everyone from the past was a blood-thirsty savage. I'm sure the politically correct crowd demanded this kind disclaimer.

But the important outcome in this fight is that O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse get separated in the chaos. They each do their part to get away. Kid Apocalypse used to hang out with Fantomex and Deadpool so naturally, he has the edge. O5 Beast, however, only has experience beating up Toad, Blob, and Unus the Untouchable. Not saying he's a pushover, but against the Sandstormers he might as well be kitten fighting a shark.

O5 Beast manages to get his ass captured. Kid Apocalypse and his new best friend manage to get to a nearby settlement. Here, Kid Apocalypse demonstrates that having horrible influences like Fantomex and Deadpool does have its perks. He's able to kick a little ass and escape the Sandstormers. Sure, he doesn't get to shoot or maim anyone, which I'm sure would disappoint Fantomex. But he's able to defend himself. That's something most teenagers not armed with baseball bats can't do. That puts Kid Apocalypse well above most kids in his age bracket. It also makes him more respectable than 95 percent of 16-year-old boys I know. Again, I'm trying not to get too attached to Kid Apocalypse, but Dennis Hopeless keeps making that difficult.

This is where the timeline might just gain a new torn asshole. Remember that new friend Kid Apocalypse made from the Sandstormers? Well, it turns out it's him. More accurately, it's a distant past version of him. Sure, he's still kind of creepy as fuck and nowhere near as handsome as Oscar Issac is on an average day, but his presence is a big fucking deal. He's now face-to-face with his past self. He has a chance to definitely change his future as a genocidal madman. I'm sure he's tempted, but I hope he takes into account how badly the O5 X-men have failed. He should know better than most the dangers of tearing the timeline a new asshole, but then again he's 16. His ability to be that responsible and think that far ahead is limited.

So...is it awesome?

Not going to lie. I've approached Apocalypse Wars the same way I approach my taxes. It's sort of unavoidable, this major event that Marvel is forcing itself to do so they can mask just how badly they're fucking every mutant-related character not named Deadpool. But if I'm going to still not lie, this is a damn good issue. And yeah, I say that with a straight face. This series, which is more hit-or-miss than the NFL draft at times, actually manages to have heart, sincerity, and character drama for all the right reasons. I don't get that kind of pleasant surprise while doing my taxes.

Sure, time travel bullshit is still confusing as fuck and X-men overdo it compulsively masturbating monkey/meth head. It's still somewhat refreshing to see this series finally address some of the unanswered questions from X-men: Battle of the Atom while giving Kid Apocalypse a bit more depth. It might be too late for Oscar Isaac make use of it, but explores elements of Apocalypse that the X-men haven't explored before. And they actually do it well so I can say with a semi-sober tone that this actually works. It's a time travel and Apocalypse story that works.

Take note, Bryan Singer! If the reviews for X-men: Apocalypse are any indication, you're going to need it.

Final Score: 9 out of 10