Time (Inevitably) Runs Out: X-men Blue #35

The following is my review of X-men Blue #35, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain time-displaced, alternate universe, or cloned characters never wear out their welcome. Time paradoxes aside, someone like Cable is here to stay. Josh Brolin's role in Deadpool 2 and Dafne Keen's role in Logan effectively cements that. Those are rare exceptions, though. For the most part, characters derived from others or a byproduct time travel have an expiration date. It's arguable when that date was for the original five X-men who first came to the future in All-New X-men, but most agree that date has long since passed.

Pretty much every circumstance that kept the time-displaced X-men in the future is moot at this point. Jean Grey is no longer dead. Cyclops never causes a mutant genocide. Iceman doesn't stay in the closet. Angel never loses his wings. At one point, there are legitimate barriers keeping them in the future, which play out in X-men: Battle of the Atom. However, most of those barriers crumble throughout Cullen Bunn's run on X-men Blue. They're now at a point where they not only have the ability to go back. They accept that they must go back.

While the logistics of that story play out in Extermination, there's room for reflections and reconciliations. X-men Blue #35 doesn't act as a prelude to Extermination as much as it does an epilogue to the journey that Brian Michael Bendis began in All-New X-men. These characters, despite the many myriad of complications incurred by time travel, are in a very different place than they were when they first arrived. Some improve their situations. Some see it become much worse. In any case, they're all painfully aware of the headaches generated by time travel.

No matter their status, these iconic characters are no longer the wide-eyed idealists that they were when Charles Xavier began training them. They've seen a future where ideals get tainted at every turn and spirits get broken almost as often. In doing so, these characters diverge considerably from the path they were on before. The structure of X-men Blue #35 is built around each member of the time-displaced X-men confronting their future selves, but affirming that they're not the same person.

The problem is they can't be the person they've become anymore. Beast makes clear that in order to avoid any further pitfalls relating to time travel, he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have to forget everything they've experienced during their time in the future. Going back with the knowledge they have, from who wins in every superhero civil war to who plays in every Super Bowl, has serious implications for the overall continuity of the Marvel universe. Given the many convolutions of that continuity, as it stands, the timeline just can't handle that.

This makes for a strange, but intriguing tension between the characters. In each conversation they have with their future selves, they try to affirm they're their own person. However, they also acknowledge that they can't separate themselves from who they're destined to become. If they do, they break reality and after the events of Secret Wars, the timeline just can't handle that.

Each member of the time-displaced X-men deals with their own existential crisis, of sorts. Jean comes off as having a full-blown identity crisis, lamenting at how she feels false in the presence of her older self. To some extent, she's right. She and her teammates aren't the "true" version of the original five X-men at this point in the timeline. They're anomalies that have to disappear completely in order to keep reality intact. To them, though, going back to their own time doesn't mean resolving a long-standing time travel plot. It means erasing themselves from existence.

It's actually Bobby who seems to understand this more than the others. For him, going back in time means going back to being closeted and that bothers him. It's one of those ideas that would bother anyone identifying as LGBT, having to go back to that isolated place and live a lie. Even though his older self is in a much better place in terms of accepting his identity, it doesn't make the underlying notion less distressing.

That's the overall sentiment of each time-displaced character in X-men Blue #35. They agonize over the idea that everything they've done in the present will only serve those in the present. They still have to go back and endure all the hardships, heartaches, and losses. Despite accepting that they must return to their own time, they establish that their preference is to stay. Existing is just inherently more appealing to oblivion.

While it's easy to sympathize with those feelings, Bunn belabors the consequences of following those feelings. Parallel to the interactions between the time-displaced X-men and their counterparts, there are brief flash-forwards that depict the future that unfolds if they don't go back. This side-story doesn't just link X-men Blue #35 with the events of Extermination. It reveals the extent of the existential crisis the X-men face.

Even if going back to their own time is overdue, there are still a lot of problems that these characters want to resolve. Angel is still going to lose his mind and become a horseman of Apocalypse. Cyclops is still going to end up dead and vilified for all the wrong reasons. Beast is still going to end up a blue, furry ape man who plays fast and loose with time machines. Despite the many harsh realizations they've endured, they still retain that youthful idealism that defines the original five X-men.

If that's the primary goal in X-men Blue #35, it definitely succeeds. In terms of furthering the various other plots that have been unfolding since X-men Blue began, it doesn't fail, but it comes up short. There's a lot of lamentation and frustration, but not much else. This being the penultimate issue of the series, there isn't time to tie up every loose end. However, that's the appeal/irony of time travel stories. If everything were resolved, then time travel wouldn't be necessary in the first place.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Clawing For Relevancy: X-men Blue #4

The following is my review of X-men Blue #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for certain comic book characters to be too awesome. It's rarely the fault of the characters themselves. The problem is that when one writer finds a winning formula, a hundred others work tirelessly to recreate it, which leads to some predictably spectacular failures. With all due respect to characters like Hyperion and Sentry, the sheer volume of characters that try to match Superman's winning formula proves that even great success can breed greater problems.

When it comes to the X-men, Wolverine is the spitting, swearing poster boy of this issue. In terms of the overall X-men mythos, he is the standard by which all others are measured. He's an amazing character with a convoluted, but compelling past. He has personality, charisma, and mass appeal that's easy to stick on a T-shirt or lunch box. Few characters can hope to match that standard. Some characters, such as X-23, come surprisingly close. Others, however, fail miserably and become afterthoughts at best.

Up until Secret Wars, Jimmy Hudson was a case study in such failure. In the now-defunct Ultimate Marvel, he attempts to replace Wolverine and falls woefully short at every turn. He does nothing to distinguish himself. He brings nothing new or compelling to the story. He's basically just a teenage Wolverine, minus the skills, the mysterious past, the personality, and the overall appeal. At a time when there are so many other characters, such as X-23 and Old Man Logan, who do a much better job following that formula, Jimmy Hudson enters X-men Blue with some significant headwinds.

In some respects, he's entering a favorable situation. Like him, the original five X-men are exiled from their own timeline. They're also teenagers with lofty legacies to live up to. However, the baggage of being a failed replacement character from a failed series is not easy to escape. Cullen Bunn and Julian Lopez try to make the case in X-men Blue #4 that Jimmy can overcome that baggage. The verdict, however, is incomplete. The jury is still out, but the evidence is not on Jimmy's side.

The structure of the story, itself, as concise and well-crafted. The original five X-men respond to news of a distressed mutant. That's what the X-men of all generations do, time displaced or otherwise. Bunn establishes in the first three issues that this is the core mission of the team. It's simple, familiar, and functional. It works in the sense that it brings out the best in the original five X-men. It continues to work in X-men Blue #4. However, when Jimmy Hudson enters the picture, this core mission clashes with his heaviest baggage.

If Jimmy didn't have claws, wasn't related to Logan, and hadn't been part of a defunct world that stopped being relevant years ago, then his appearance would have some intrigue. Instead, he enters the world of X-men Blue in a way that's so familiar, so predictable, and so devoid of drama that it's hard to get excited about his arrival. Nothing he does sets him apart as a new and intriguing character. If anything, everything he does will just make Wolverine fans miss Logan.

It's one of Jimmy Hudson's biggest problems, both as a character and as plot for X-men Blue #4. It's a problem that has lingered since his first appearance in Ultimate X. The fact that Jimmy Hudson is Logan's son isn't the issue. The problem is he does nothing to really set himself apart.

In every comic since his first appearance, he doesn't carry himself as Jimmy. He carries himself as teenage Logan. It would be far more intriguing if someone had just cast a magic spell and reverted Logan back to a teenager. Given the abundance of overpowered sorcerers and time machines in the Marvel universe, that really isn't much of a stretch.

That all-too familiar tradition continues in X-men Blue #4. All the familiar Logan tropes are there. Jimmy is alone in a hostile wilderness, stuck in a blood rage, and can't remember where he came from. These are all core themes of at least a dozen other Wolverine stories since 1975. There's nothing distinct or memorable here. Jimmy once again conducts himself as a teenage Logan and nothing more. Unlike the original five X-men, though, he can't use time displacement as an excuse.

It might be understandable for Jimmy to struggle to escape his Logan's shadow in the sense that he sets the bar pretty high. Wolverine is one of the most popular comic book characters of all time. He's the one who helped make Hugh Jackman famous. Expecting Jimmy to even come close to that bar seems unreasonable. However, that excuse fails too because there is a precedent, which further undermines Jimmy's case.

Other characters inspired or derived from Wolverine have succeeded. Both X-23 and Daken have established themselves as solid, compelling characters who can hold their own without being too similar to Logan. X-23 does such a good job of this that she went onto become one of the best parts of the last Wolverine movie. Jimmy Hudson, though, gives no impression that he deserves a role next to Hugh Jackman.

Unlike Daken and X-23, Jimmy does nothing to stand out whether he's in a fight or standing on a street corner. His only distinguishing feature is his blond hair. If Molina were to use the wrong color, then few would be able to discern Jimmy from an overly youthful Logan. Given all the other distinguishing traits of Daken and X-23, which include tattoos and different claw configurations, Jimmy feels less like a derivation and more of a rip-off.

At the very least, his presence doesn't derail the story in X-men Blue #4. Bunn never makes him the primary focal point and that keeps the narrative on-track and consistent with the themes of the series. Jimmy's presence even manages to incur a distinct twist to the story that couldn't be done with X-23 or Daken. He acts primarily as a catalyst for the original five X-men's next challenge. He succeeds in this, but fails be distinct or compelling at any point in the process.

He's still that character who failed miserably to fill the void left by Logan's death in Ultimate Marvel. Now, he's in a world where two other characters can claim some measure of success, one of which made Dafne Keen famous. Jimmy is a long way from that kind of success. That baggage is still as heavy as ever. He's still that character few mourned when Ultimate perished at the end of Secret Wars. Escaping that baggage isn't easy and with X-men Blue #4, he's off to a poor start.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

An Original Cast With Renewed Energy: X-men Blue #1

The following is my review of X-men Blue #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Some concepts work well in any era, no matter the context. Those concepts are few and far between, but their universal appeal is what helps make them iconic. When it comes to the original five X-men, as created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby over 50 years ago, they check all the right boxes with respect to those concepts.

They're young, idealistic, vulnerable, determined, anxious, eager, and even a little arrogant at times. They believe in following a dream. They also haven't experienced the harshest realities of the real world, which tend to crush dreams like Juggernaut in a china shop. Since arriving in a future where they find out their future selves are dead, disfigured, or had lost their minds, they fight desperately to cling to those dreams. Despite the knowledge that those dreams shattered under the weight of cosmic forces, psychic manipulation, and evil clones, they still fight for that dream. It says a lot about both their youthful spirit, as well as their youthful arrogance.

They may not need that arrogance quite as much these days. After the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, the dream the original five X-men fight for isn't quite as shattered as before. Mutants are no longer being gassed to death by a giant green cloud and the Scarlet Witch hasn't had a mental breakdown lately. That means mutants have a future again and, despite being the product of an out-of-control time travel plot, they seek to forge part of that future in X-men Blue.

Cullen Bunn and Jorge Molina bring the original five X-men back together in X-men Blue #1, attempting to capture as much of those classic concepts as possible while fitting them into a new status quo. That includes everything from teenagers complaining about random things and fighting the Juggernaut. By all those lofty standards of the Kirby/Lee tradition, it still checks the right boxes boxes.

From the outset, the story is fairly basic. The Original Five X-men go up against an old enemy in Black Tom, but from their time-displaced perspective, he's a fresh face with a sinister mustache. There's not much to Black Tom's plot. He's just holding a lot of rich people hostage, twirling his sinister mustache, and generally doing all the things Lex Luthor used to do before he got into politics.

There may not be much complexity to that plot at first, but it still leads to some entertaining theatrics that allow the time-displaced X-men to stop lamenting about their future selves and just be heroes. Given that they're still teenagers, there is some lamenting, but Bunn makes sure it's doesn't devolve into the kind of teen angst that often plagued the characters after Secret Wars. That makes the effect of X-men Blue #1 all the more profound because it shifts the tone back to a sense of youthful idealism. After surviving a poison gas cloud, it's a shift that needed to happen.

As the story unfolds, new complexities emerge. The narrative doesn't just rely on a group of teenage mutants flying in and saving the day. The battle also illustrates some new dynamics within the team. Most notably, Jean Grey is now the leader. It may not be akin to making Doop the leader, but the change is notable in the way the X-men conduct themselves.

It's different in that Cyclops doesn't go barking out orders while everyone else jokes about how uptight he is. Jean Grey's style of leadership is different in that she'll spearhead the charge, but trusts her teammates to handle themselves, even against someone like Juggernaut. This style isn't without its faults though. They quickly get overwhelmed and end up having to wing it in order to save the day, so much that they end up having to cheat with magic.

This is where X-men Blue #1 ties itself into the larger narrative that has been unfolding with the time-displaced X-men since they arrived in the future back in All-New X-men. Bunn doesn't ignore the nuances have emerged with certain characters. In this case, Beast's newfound appreciation of magic proves pivotal, both in terms of resolving a conflict and establishing new levels of tension. It makes for different tactics, but it also leads to arguments and uncertainties about how the team operates. In a team made up of entirely of teenagers, that's always fertile ground for conflict.

It also establishes that while X-men Blue is relying on more traditional X-men dynamics, the team is still very much a work-in-progress. Jean Grey is still learning how to lead. Beast is still learning how to manage his new mystical abilities. All the while, Cyclops has to resist the urge to start barking out orders again. As a team, they're not a finished product. They're still rookies who have the potential to be all stars, but are a long way from that level.

That sense of growth is one of the greatest strengths in X-men Blue #1. Even though it uses a team line-up that was introduced during the Kennedy Administration, it still comes off as novel. It's very much a product of an evolving narrative, one that has taken many twists and come dangerously close to being derailed. Magic and tactics aside, Bunn seems to have the original five X-men back on track and Molina's artwork makes them look good while they do it.

That track even has some interesting turns towards the end. While the story starts off as fairly basic, it gains greater intrigue towards the end. There are hints and teases about the Original Five X-men's larger goals and how they intend to go about it. Coming on the heels of a classic clash that brings new energy to a team that underwent so much upheaval, X-men Blue #1 creates a new foundation for an old cast of characters. For characters are teenagers, time-displaced, and dabbling in magic, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Priming A New Future: X-men Prime #1

The following is my review of X-men Prime #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Victory in every conflict comes at a price, but sometimes the price is secondary to the situation. For the X-men, the situation tends to be convoluted in detail, but simple in substance. Either they achieve victory or they go extinct. There's very little gray area in between. Those are the stakes that play out in Inhumans vs. X-men. Those are the stakes that drive the X-men's overall narrative as a series.

Now, with the conclusion of Inhumans vs. X-men, the situation is ready to evolve. The X-men once again have a chance to do more than just fight for their right to exist, which has been at the heart of nearly every major conflict since House of M. It's a chance they can't afford to squander. Stories involving sterilization and extinction are rapidly losing their ability to generate dramatic weight. More than any other ongoing series, the X-men need a new conflict with new stakes.

That's exactly what X-men Prime #1 sets out to do. Under the pen of Marc Guggenheim, Greg Pak, and Cullen Bunn, and a couple other top-tier artists, the X-men's story finally moves forward from yet another extinction/sterilization plot. It is, effectively, a bridge from one era to another. It helps settle the dust of one conflict while preparing the X-men for another.

The conflict itself is still secondary compared to the situation. Compared to the X-men's situation after Secret Wars, it doesn't take much to improve their predicament. In essence, this is one situation where over-achievement is necessary to elicit the necessary impact. It's a challenge and not just because impacting the X-men usually requires killer robots. He is tasked with essentially molding a new situation for the X-men to navigate. What he ends up crafting is as polished as it is compelling.

There are no killer robots. There are no poison gas clouds, time-traveling assassins, or clone army. X-men Prime #1 isn't structured for those kinds of fireworks. It's very much an epilogue and a prelude for the X-men as a whole. It unfolds primarily through the eyes of Kitty Pryde, who was lucky enough to have avoided the whole sterilization/poison gas cloud/war with the Inhumans. In many respects, that makes her uniquely qualified to take in this new status quo.

Kitty, having spent much of her time guarding the galaxy with her ex-fiance and a talking raccoon, returns to the world of X-men that wants to change. From Storm to the time-displaced X-men, Guggenheim, Pak, and Bunn create this prevailing sentiment that the way they're doing things has to change. Their current way put them at war with the Inhumans and forced them to live in a demon-infested realm. With or without mutant powers, any system that puts anyone into close proximity with demons is definitely a system in need of revision.

This makes for some very personal moments between Kitty Pryde and several characters who have been deeply affected by recent events, some of which don't even involve demons. Most of those moments involve Storm, who presents herself as a relic of the old system, in a sense.

She accepts responsibility for the decisions that led to the X-men's war with the Inhumans. She makes clear and gives some fairly understandable reasons why she doesn't feel inclined to lead anymore. Again, the X-men ended up living in a demon-infested realm under her leadership. She realizes on some levels that there's room for improvement.

Not every moment is as personal, though. Kitty does get a chance to meet up with Colossus, which is understandably awkward, but promptly avoided. She also gets a chance to meet up with the time-displaced X-men, albeit indirectly. These moments aren't quite as dramatic, but they do serve a purpose in that they show how portions of the X-men are going in different directions. Kitty can only do so much to influence them, but she's in a position to do more for the X-men than most. At this point, any direction that doesn't involve close proximity to demons counts as an upgrade.

X-men Prime #1 doesn't just succeed in using these personal moments with Kitty to move the X-men forward. It succeeds in making it feel dramatic and sincere. Being able to do this without killer robots or sterilization plots counts as an accomplishment these days. Through Kitty Pryde, he's able to convey a sense of hope and determination, two of the most important elements in any era of X-men.

As good as these moments are, there are a few that don't feel quite as dramatic. Kitty's interaction with Colossus is relatively minor and doesn't get too personal. A side-plot involving Lady Deathstrike and Weapon X feels disconnected and unnecessary to the overall story. While the moment with the time-displaced X-men offers a nice twist, it doesn't have many specifics. Some elements are left a bit vague, but it never feels too convoluted. In a series with clones and time-displaced characters, that still counts for something.

In terms of setting the stage for a new era of X-men, X-men Prime #1 checks nearly every box. Guggenheim, Pak, and Bunn establish a direction for the team. He takes the X-men out of the demon-infested and into a more promising situation. Considering how grim and dire the X-men's condition has been since the conclusion of Secret Wars, it's downright refreshing.

Sure, there are bound to be more attacks by killer robots. Sure, it's very likely that more clones and time travelers will enter the mix and frustrate the X-men. Like Wolverine and beer, certain elements are inescapably linked. The challenge is making the narrative behind these links compelling. In that sense, X-men Prime #1 rises to the challenge. For now, there's hope for the world of the X-men and, provided nobody ends up sterilized, that hope holds a great deal of promise and potential.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #13: Nuff Said!

When villains become heroes and heroes become villains, it doesn't always mean the Scarlet Witch got drunk on chaos magic again and inverted everybody. It can also mean that a situation is now so utterly fucked that we can't help but cheer for villains to some extent. For the X-men, who rely heavily on sterilization, time travel, and alternate universes to hold themselves together, I'd say they're fifteen steps past fucked.

That's why I think people are ready to actually root for the Hellfire Club. For once, it won't just be the pro-orgy, pro-corruption, pro-Victorian fashion enthusiasts who will be cheering. The world is basically giving a big middle finger to the mutant race. The Hellfire Club is poised to do the same and get laid in the process. Who wouldn't respect that? They've been operating behind the scenes since Uncanny X-men began under Cullen Bunn. In Uncanny X-men #13, he's finally getting around to digging a little deeper. I'm expecting plenty of orgy and wine to be mixed in. Bet you're not going to get that shit on New Attilan.

Other than orgies and wine, the X-men do show that they can work with the Hellfire Club when corrupt companies and Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are involved. Together, they launch an attack on an oil rig run by the Someday Corporation, the overly shady motherfuckers from the first arc of this series that claimed to help mutants by letting them sleep through this latest shit storm. They suspect that a company that puts mutants in comas may have a less noble agenda. That's like saying Mel Gibson may have an anger management problem.

In the least surprising development since Adam Sandler failed to get nominated for an Oscar, the X-men and their orgy-loving allies are attacked on the rig by a team of weaponized mutants. This makes for some heavy action, complete with some nice little insight from Psylocke, who is basically the one getting most pissed off by this team-up. Seeing that she's on a team with Sabretooth, that's saying something.

It's a fun, gritty battle that's perfectly in line with the battles Magneto's team has fought throughout this series. With the Hellfire Club involved, it becomes even more appropriate. However, they all do keep their clothes on during the fight so maybe there's still room for improvement.

It's not just mindless slap-fighting either. There is a strategy involved here. That strategy involves Mystique doing some sneaky shit behind the scene and being sexy as hell while doing it. That's a damn good strategy by default. It involves singling out one weaponized mutant, sedating him, and letting Arcangel carry him off. I don't know the merit of that strategy, but Mystique is involved so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Well, that and my penis won't let me do otherwise.

The battle intensifies. The X-men and their new orgy-loving buddies are surrounded. Shit is going south faster than a constipated horse with food poisoning. Then, one of the weaponized mutants gets a psychic message and they leave. It's ominous and vague as fuck, but that's what happens. They just up and leave.

Is it a somewhat disappointing way to end a gritty, visceral clash between X-men and weaponized mutants? Yes, to some degree it is. However, it doesn't come off as completely meaningless because Mystique still succeeds with her strategy. Either the Someday Corporation is just trolling them or they have a strategy of their own. If it leads to Mystique being sneaky and sexy as hell, then I'm all for it.

Once all the weaponized mutants are gone, they enter the belly of the rig and find the same disturbing shit they've found before with Someday. They have mutants in statis tubes, hoping they'll wake up in a future where mutants aren't sterilized, heroes aren't fighting one another, and every hooker looks like Emma Frost. That's probably hoping for way too fucking much, but I can't say I blame them for wanting to sit this shit out.

Again, there's no big surprises here. These people weaponize mutants. Anyone who thinks they're being entirely honest with their business probably buys diet pills from Dr. Oz. Psylocke finds out there's some mind-fucking going on with these mutants and not the fun kind that the Hellfire Club probably enjoys every other Tuesday. Nobody looks surprised, nor should they be. They just know for certain now that more people need to have their heads bashed in.

They return to the Hellfire Club, which also happens to have a research lab that may or may not also act as a porno set. There's more curious insight from Psylocke, whose attitudes towards the Hellfire Club are skeptical at best. I'm sure she doesn't trust any organization that thinks lingerie is a suitable uniform. Then again, she has been on teams with Emma Frost so maybe she's not one to talk.

She remains less focused on those who enjoy one too many orgies and more on the mind-fucking that the Someday Corporation is pulling. She dips into the mind of the mutant they captured from the rig. She finds out he's from Mongolia and his life as a mutant really sucks donkey balls, which is fairly typical in any world where Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get preferential treatment. He jumps at the chance to find sanctuary with Someday for reasons that are entirely understandable. Even so, he had to know on some levels that they were going to screw him over. It's like getting a loan from Tony Soprano. Somebody is going to break some bones at some point.

It leads to a flashy psychic journey into the mind of an ordinary mutant who doesn't want to be an X-man or live in a world where it sucks this much for mutants. It's a rare insight into the mutant population that gets glossed over/screwed over in X-men comics too often. Having Psylocke enter a mind, wielding her classic costume, and uncovering a painful psychic presence is just a nice bonus that moves the story forward.

Mystique may not share Psylocke's psychic gifts, but she's every bit as good at doing her job and looking sexy as hell in the process. She still has her own strategy and it involves doing what she does best, infiltrating a shady organization and finding ways to screw them over in ways they won't enjoy. It's a beautiful thing. It helped make Jennifer Lawrence's career. I always get a little emotional seeing it.

She's not nearly as charming as Jennifer Lawrence this time around. She gets in, she fights a few guards, and snaps a few necks. That's pretty much Mystique on a Monday. Once she's in, she takes the form of one of the mutant weapons and does a little digging. She ends up finding a surgery center that probably isn't just doing cheap boob jobs. Historically, surgery and mutants are like napalm and meth labs. It's bad combination.

It's also usually a bad combination to have a powerful telepath in the mind of a disturbed mutant. It only helps when one of those telepaths is sexy as hell. The sexiness, however, doesn't protect Psylocke from a little psychic trap. While in the mind of the hapless mutant who just wanted to sleep through this shit storm, she finds out the mind-fucking began shortly after they put him into stasis. That's right. Someday didn't even let him dream about a future where Jean Grey is President, Charles Xavier is the Pope, and Wolverine is Secretary of Whiskey. They just go right to mind-fucking him. Even the folks at Halliburton would say that's cold.

It's painful. It's disturbing. It's also flashy as hell, as are most psychic battles. As Psylocke is trying to dig through this unlucky mutant's mind, Mystique is snapping more necks. She doesn't like being left behind of course she's going to overcompensate. It's part of what makes her so skilled and sexy. She tries fighting off the asshats in the surgery room while Psylocke tries to find the source of the mind-fucking. It gets a little chaotic and a little confusing, as do most things that involve mind battles and shape shifters. Again, it helps when the characters involved are sexy as hell so at least there's entertainment value.

In the end, it's Mystique who uncovers the source of the mind-fucking. She's competitive. She's not going to let a purple-haired ninja beat her to the punch. That's what makes her so damn good at her job. However, she may regret being so damn good because the source of the mind-fucking isn't someone whose neck is easily snapped. It's Exodus.

Remember this asshole? He's powerful. He's mean. He looks like he lost one too many fights with a tanning both. He's also a powerful psychic and someone who actively looks for excuses to piss off the X-men. His presence is intriguing in that it exposes some secrets about the Someday Corporation. It also hints that there may be another battle between X-men and Exodus. I guess it beats the hell out of them fighting other heroes for once.

So...is it awesome?

I guess that depends on how intrigued you are on any story that involves Exodus mind-fucking people. Personally, I find that shit pretty damn intriguing. Magneto is no boy scout, but Exodus is right up there with tobacco lobbyists and traffic cops in terms of being an asshole. Cullen Bunn has been weaving all sorts of vague mysteries surrounding the Someday Corporation since Uncanny X-men began. I took 13 issues, but we finally have some answers and I can now say it was worth the wait.

Like a slow-burning candle that fills a room with the scent of peppermint and chocolate, Uncanny X-men #13 took a while to get noticeably awesome. It drags at times and gets a little disorganized. However, it still finds a way to make your asshole clench for all the right reasons. It also gives you a damn good reason to pick up the next issue. For the good of the series and the good of Disney's accountants, that's a win in my book.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Infighting With Underdogs: Civil War II: X-men #4

The following is my review of Civil War II: X-men #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

A balanced conflict goes a long ways towards crafting a compelling narrative. While it is possible for an arm-wrestling context between the Hulk and Howard the Duck to be entertaining, it's not a struggle that's going to be all that interesting. Civil War II goes to great lengths to create a conflict in which the divisions between characters are genuine, understandable, and intriguing. It's as balanced as any conflict can be and it doesn't even need time travel, magic, or deals with Mephisto.

Creating a balanced conflict in Civil War II: X-men is already a challenge. Before Civil War II even begins, the X-men and the entire mutant race are stuck playing a rigged game while handicapped. They're on the brink of extinction yet again. They're despised, sterilized, and a good chunk of their top characters are either dead, time displaced, or holdovers from an apocalyptic universe. Even by underdog standards, the X-men are depleted in terms of what they can bring to a conflict.

This makes the tone of Civil War II: X-men so distinct compared to other tie-ins. The X-men already lost one war against the Inhumans. Now, they have Ulysses, whose precognition powers may as well be cheat codes. Cullen Bunn goes to great lengths drawing the lines between the X-men, crafting some level of balance between those who want to work with the Inhumans and those who feel they have one too many advantages at this point. Civil War II: X-men #4 maintains that balance for the most part, but doesn't take it far enough.

There's nothing elaborate or subtle about the narrative. This final clash between Magneto's team and Storm's team is effectively streamlined into a single, simple clash. It's light on drama, but solid on details. Andrea Broccardo's art makes this clash visually engaging and well-organized. Mutant battles tend to get chaotic, but since this one doesn't involve time travelers, it's a lot easier to follow.

While the infighting makes up the bulk of the story, it's Magneto who gives the narrative some personal dimensions. More than any other character in this tie-in, he establishes himself as a hardened realist. He now operates on a level that's several steps beyond the debate between his vision and Charles Xavier's dream. He sees the mutant issue as a struggle for survival now and the Inhumans are actively undermining that survival. Giving them an advantage at this point would be tantamount to running up the score.

This emphasis on survival and fighting those who undermine it isn't knew for Magneto. What Civil War II: X-men #4 does is frame it in a new context, one that makes the infighting among the X-men feel somewhat misguided. In this context, Magneto's approach is actually more understandable than Storm's in a backwards sort of way.

Storm wants to work with the Inhumans just like Charles Xavier wanted to work with the human race. However, the conflict with the Inhumans is a bit more specific. A cloud that they unleashed is killing an entire race and they refuse to do anything about it. Working with them has produced little to no tangible results. This makes Storm's efforts to coordinate with them seem misguided. Her heart is in the right place, as it often is, but it disrupts the fragile balance of the conflict that makes the Civil War II narrative work.

This balance is somewhat restored once Magneto gets a chance to interact with Ulysses. This ends up being far more meaningful than any interaction he could have with Storm. The discussion they share is significant in that it forces Magneto to re-evaluate his tactics. However, this meaningful interaction ends up leading to a bland and inconsequential conclusion.

There aren't any meaningful changes that emerge from this clash between Magneto's team and Storm's team. Once Magneto meets Ulysses, the battle just ends. There are no major scars. There are no serious injuries that can't be treated with off-panel magic and bed rest. There aren't even any major consequences to lies, betrayals, and deception. The characters just shrug it off, as though it happens every other week.

What makes this outcome somewhat palatable is the context behind it. Magneto, being a cold and callous pragmatist at heart, sees how this conflict will play out and quite literally. The only way to make sure that he's in a position to protect his people and take on the Inhumans again down the line is to just swallow his pride and leave. It's an inglorious way to end a conflict, but it's perfectly in line with who Magneto is and why he does what he does.

That's not to say there isn't some kind of meaningful impact in Civil War II: X-men #4. It does add more bricks to the foundation on which the X-men and Inhumans will clash down the line. It also supplements some of the ongoing tensions within the teams, such as Magneto and Psylocke. These bits and pieces of progress aren't enough to give the overall story enough weight. It still feels like an overblown round of infighting that doesn't amount to much.

In the ongoing debate between aiding the Inhumans and fighting them, the balance may very well be too fragile to function. Civil War II: X-men #4 only reinforces the inevitability of another clash between these two teams. It also further proves that such a clash may not be a balanced one. At the end of the day, one side still has its movie rights. The other is tied up with another studio. Even with X-men being the ultimate underdogs, it doesn't feel like a fight that'll benefit them in any way.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #4: Nuff Said!

If you're playing Call of Duty and you know there's an asshole on the opposing squad who's cheating, your first inclination is to either do something about it or call the kid's mother a whore. As human beings, we do value fairness to some degree. Unless we all get to cheat, we get pissed and want to see the cheaters punished, shamed, and humiliated. Unfortunately, Marvel is willing to give a past to a group of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

They now have Ulysses, a precog who can win every fantasy sports league without breaking a sweat. He's already saving the world and getting other heroes killed. Now, some in the X-men are a bit uncomfortable with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners gaining even more of an edge. They've already got their own country. Their fart cloud is sterilizing mutants and exiling them to a fucking demon realm. That shit just isn't fair in the slightest and Magneto is trying to do something about that.

The odds are against him though and some X-men are actually willing to team up with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. How sad is that? Civil War II: X-men #4 doesn't promise much fairness, but it has Magneto doing what he does best. The fact it's easier to root for him over Storm really says something.

Why is Magneto so easy to root for? Well, Storm and her people are hiding out in a fucking demon realm while the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' big green fart cloud roams the Earth, maiming their fellow mutants. Magneto is confronting the source of that big fucking fart cloud. Which one do you think is being more proactive?

With Rachel Grey's help, he fights his way through New Attilan like a motherfucking boss. Rachel tries to tell him that these people don't hate him like he thinks. However, she also fails to give a damn good reason why they're not doing jack shit about the big fucking fart cloud that's maiming their entire species. Yet they're still considered fucking heroes? If I were Magneto, I'd shit in every one of their sinks just to send a message. Sadly, he doesn't have time for that. He has to get to Ulysses, who naturally expects his arrival. He's a fucking precog. He probably knows how much the Cleveland Browns will lose by this Sunday.

While Magneto is busy taking the fight to the asshole Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who are butchering the mutant race, Storm and her team are busy fighting their fellow X-men. Seriously, I'm very uncomfortable rooting against Storm to this degree, but she's making it goddamn hard.

At the very least, she shows she can put up a damn good fight and Andrea Broccardo's art makes it a damn pretty sight. The problem is, she's fighting Arcangel. This guy is a fucking horseman of Apocalypse. He's supposed to bring war and death. A fucking thunderstorm may as well be pillow fight for him, minus the sexy co-eds. So of course he gets in a nasty shot that knocks Storm out of the sky and for once, it doesn't bother me. Again, I'm very uncomfortable with that feeling.

Cut to Old Man Logan beating up Sabretooth and just like that, I'm comfortable again. Throw in fights between Mystique and Psylocke, as well as Gambit and Fantomex, and there's something for everybody to enjoy. Mystique and Psylocke's battle makes my penis happy. Gambit and Fantomex's battle should make the gay crowd happy. So everyone's penis should find a reason to enjoy this on some levels and that's never a bad thing.

It's still X-men fighting X-men though. At a time when they're getting sterilized while Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners just laugh while jerking off from afar, this feels unproductive to say the least. Then again, it is part of a Civil War event. So if heroes weren't fighting heroes, then that would be flagrant false advertising. We get enough of that from pharmaceutical ads so I'm glad X-men aren't adding to it.

As this battle is going on, making everyone's penises very happy, Magneto finally confronts Ulysses. Keep in mind, this kid isn't a fighter. He's a fucking college kid who just became ground zero for the latest superhero shit storm. So standing in the shadow of fucking Magneto, a guy who will snap your neck with a goddamn smile if he thinks it'll protect the mutant race, is pretty damn terrifying.

Knowing this, Ulysses opts not to fight. I can't tell if he shit his pants, but I imagine he's resisting the urge with every ounce of strength. Instead, he tries to talk Magneto down. He claims he's not a weapon that'll be used against mutants. Then again, he's new to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners so he probably doesn't know how few fucks they give about screwing over entire races. He also drops an ominous hint about how this shit will play out. If he has any cards at all to play, it's that he can see how Magneto's bullshit will screw him over.

Meanwhile, the battle with the rest of the X-men intensifies. Sabretooth and Old Man Logan bloody each other up a bit more. Nightcrawler kicks his mother in the face. Fantomex and Gambit rough each other up. It's standard, but satisfying. This isn't Cyclops and Wolverine fighting over an old pair of Jean Grey's panties. This is a fairly typical X-men vs. X-men clash. It's not Lord of the Rings epic, but it's not Weekend at Bernies cheap either.

It finally steps up a notch when Storm's team brings in some bigger guns. That includes O5 Jean Grey, Magik, and a Sentinel-packing Cerebra. This finally gives Storm's team a chance to ditch Magneto's team so they can catch up with him before he gives the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners another reason to sterilize them. Again, I still feel very odd rooting for Magneto at this point.

It seems like they're really going to fuck each other over, trying to stop Magneto from fighting the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. The concept alone just feels wrong, considering how fucked the mutant race already is. It doesn't look like it's going to turn out well for either side. If anything, it'll give the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners more reasons to laugh their ass off and jerk off with the blood of innocent mutants.

Then, this concept gets royally fucked when Ulysses shows Magneto one of his painfully accurate visions. In that vision, he sees just how much more he'll fuck over the mutant race by continuing this fight. It involves a dead Jean Grey, a dead Monet, a dead Iceman, and a dead Nightcrawler. It's pretty fucking terrible, but it also has a dead Beast so let's call it a push.

Either way, it gives Magneto enough pause to reconsider. He knows how annoyingly accurate this kid's visions can be. He also knows that any future that involves a dead Jean Grey tends to get fucked up real fast. While he may be a ruthless motherfucker with little love for Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, he's a pragmatist at heart.

So he just leaves. That's right. That's how this clash ends. Magneto just shrugs his shoulders, curses under his breath, and fucking leaves. It's as anti-climactic as it sounds. At the same time, however, it makes the most sense. Like I said, he's a pragmatist. He doesn't just go on random mutant crusades because it gives him a boner. He likes his crusades to have a fucking point. He knows this one won't give him that. So he just leaves.

It makes for somewhat of an awkward moment between Rachel, who fought by Magneto's side, and Storm's Extraordinary team. Then again, she's in the presence of her time-displaced teenage mother. Awkward is kind of a moot point for her. She basically just asks as a buffer, keeping the two X-men teams from fucking each other up any further. They need to save their strength for when they get a chance to get back at the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. They'll need it.

Speaking of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, of which I've already said way too much about, Magneto does manage to get one last message to Queen Medusa, also known as the only redhead in comics I don't jerk off to. They have a brief, but tense conversation where Magneto makes one thing clear. The next time he shows up on their doorstep, he's not going to come hoping to share freshly baked cookies. He's going to come to end their bullshit once and for all. Medusa doesn't seem opposed to this in the slightest. I guess Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't care how many people they piss off at this point. They got fucking movie rights on their side. They have the advantage.

It's still a bit of a whimper to say the least. Pretty much nothing changes as a result of this clash. Magneto goes back to his base. Storm goes back to her. Storm doesn't even give Nightcrawler any shit for joining Magneto. Yet she still gives Cyclops all the shit in the world? How the fuck does that make any sense? Maybe she should've slept with him at some point. That might have made her more understanding. It worked with Emma Frost.

With Magneto, he's done enough shit for one day to convince Rachel that this isn't the crowd she wants to run with. He also earned himself a slap in the face from Psylocke. However, a slap from Psylocke is likely to give most men a boner so I'm not sure Magneto can say he lost too much. At the very least, he gets both teams of X-men geared up for the moment when they'll have to fight the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Hopefully by then, they'll run out of reasons to blame this shit on Cyclops.

So...is it awesome?

Well, let me sum it up like this. Was it action packed? Fuck yeah. Was it entertaining and enjoyable? Fuck yeah. Was it somewhat anti-climactic at the end? Sadly, that's also a fuck yeah. At the very least, though, it was a fitting kind of anti-climax and outside a slasher flick, that's not usually a good thing. In this case, it works because it makes use of Ulysses' powers in just the right way. It also makes use of Magneto's tendency to not piss into the wind when he knows he can't win. He may be a ruthless motherfucker, but he's not stupid.

That lack of stupidity means that this clash could only end with a whimper and never a bang. That's kind of a drag, but it's not like the whole thing cut to a car insurance commercial or something. Some of the outcomes are forced. The fact that Storm just shrugs off Nightcrawler joining Magneto is pretty fucking ridiculous. If only traffic cops were that forgiving. It may improve my driving record, but it doesn't help this book. In the end, too much shit gets cut off in Civil War II #4 before any real drama emerged. Sure, it gets cut off for a damn good reason, but like neutered dogs, it comes at a price.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #12: Nuff Said!

It's a basic law of physics. When people become rich and power, they tend to use both to enjoy fancy dinners, decadent orgies, and dresses that cost more than a typical mortgage. The Michael Moores of the world may see this as obscene, but admit it. If you had that kind of power and wealth, you'd be inclined to do the same thing.

That's why I have a certain level of respect for the Hellfire Club. They don't hide from this. Hell, they embrace it and they rarely do it fully clothed. For a long time, Emma Frost embodied this decadent, horny, don't-give-a-fuck spirit. Now that she's missing, thanks to the big fart cloud unleashed by the racist xenophobic slave-owners, there's room for a new order in the Hellfire Club. We've already seen hints of that order since Cullen Bunn began his run on Uncanny X-men. We finally get some insight into that order in Uncanny X-men #12. Sadly, this insight is very SFW, but it's still the Hellfire Club. It's safe to assume there's a gang-bang going on in between every panel.

Before they get to the gang-bangs though, we get a brief glimpse into how Magneto set things up before throwing in with a bunch of orgy-loving deviants. We venture to that magical period that Marvel used to fuck the X-men over worse than any bondage club ever could. During that period, Magneto seeks Psylocke out before he seeks help from the Hellfire Club. Considering she'd be more focused on helping mutants than trying on overpriced lingerie, it's probably smart.

They have a pretty meaningful conversation here. Psylocke is not all that enthusiastic about joining Magneto's new team. He does kind of have a history of turning into a selfish, murderous prick so she's right to be skeptical. Then again, this is a time when Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get preferential treatment so maybe a selfish, murdering prick is just what they need. She seems to agree that there's really no way that they can't make this shit worse and sadly, she's probably right.

Psylocke agrees to join Magneto's team, as was kind of already spoiled in the first fucking issue of the series. Flash forward to this issue where Psylocke meets the new Hellfire Club for the first time and she's probably questioning how sober she was when she made that decision. She's about as happy about this revelation as someone who just found out they have a malignant tumor festering inside their asshole.

For their part, the new Inner Circle, of which Magneto is a part of, doesn't immediately try to tie Psylocke up and whip her into submission. That's the kind of shit Emma Frost does on a Sunday. Instead, they're remarkably cordial, offering wine and friendship with orgies just being a nice side-benefit. They may be asshole deviants, but at least they have manners. That goes a long ways for some people. Plus, Pyslocke is British. That should make her hesitate at least somewhat before resorting to stabbing them with a psionic blade.

She's still not all that happy with Magneto keeping these kinds of secrets from her. Then again, even she has to concede this isn't the worst secret he could've kept. It's not like he's been eating live puppies on the side or anything. Psylocke bitches and moans for a good long while as Magneto introduces this new Hellfire Club. Unlike the club's previous incarnation, it doesn't involve any per-pubescent kids. That alone is a big fucking upgrade.

Instead, we see a lot of familiar faces. It's not just Sebastian Shaw as the Black King that's familiar either. We have Black Tom Cassidy as the White King, a C-list X-men villain who hasn't had a chance at many orgies I imagine. We have Monet as the White Queen. Granted, she doesn't look as awesome as Emma Frost does in white lingerie, but then again very few people do. We even have Briar, who was one of the best parts of Cullen Bunn's Magneto solo series. If you don't know why her presence is awesome, then you need to read Magneto's latest solo series. It's so good I actually read it sober. That alone should tell you all you need to know.

It's a nice balance. The new club has some familiar deviants and a few new faces like Black Tom and Monet. That doesn't stop Psylocke from bitching and moaning even more, but even she has to admit there may be some benefits to teaming up with orgy-loving deviants. They aren't heroes, but they can get shit done and they can do it with or without their pants on.

They prove this first by offering Psylocke a new role as the Black Queen, a role that traditionally belongs to immortal mutant vampires with a knack for both giving and killing boners, among other things. Knowing she's inclined to bitch and moan even more, Briar offers her something more tangible in the form of a sample of brain matter. Why does this matter? Well, this is where Bunn shows that he puts more effort into his stories than most of us put into lattes.

It turns out this brain matter is from the Someday Corporation. Remember those assholes? In the first arc of this series, they offered mutants a chance to sleep through the latest shit storm caused by the Racist Xenophobic Slave Owners. Turns out desperate mutants don't read the fine print of the user agreement. They're the only organization that might actually have bigger assholes than the Hellfire Club and that goes a long ways with Psylocke. This still doesn't stop her from bitching and moaning to Magneto, but he still finds a way to make their conversation meaningful. It means that before she embraces wine and orgies, they have an actual mission.

We finally move away from wine, lingerie, and orgies and onto less kinky conflicts, relatively speaking. Knowing that the Someday Corporation is probably doing much worse than the Hellfire Club, minus the orgies, Psylocke and Magneto lead their team to a research station in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Because I guess if you have something to hide, you just have to do it on an ominous base in the middle of the ocean. Maybe there's something tactical to the Hellfire Club's use of orgies and parties.

Not surprisingly, they get attacked shortly after they arrive. It essentially confirms what Psylocke surmised from the Hellfire Club's little clue. Someday Corporation is up to more shit and they don't even give the courtesy of a good orgy. Even Psylocke has to admit that these assholes deserve stabbing more than anyone in the Hellfire Club.

A fight breaks out and Greg Land shows he can draw more than just sexy women in lingerie. This time, Someday doesn't just throw thugs with guns at them. Turns out those mutants they put in stasis really should've read the fine print after all. Now, they've been weaponized and turned into meat puppets. Because I guess nothing bad ever happened to anyone who tried to turn mutants into living weapons. I'm pretty sure Wolverine is rolling his eyes in his adamantium grave.

The action is quick, flashy, and intense. It's not rushed, but it's not overly epic either. Fighting mutants that were turned into living weapons doesn't happen as often as fighting killer robots, but it's still regular enough to seem inane at times. It's still entertaining. It also has some important details thrown into the mix, giving it the kind of refinement that sets it above a typical Street Fighter game.

Part of that refinement involves teasing the ongoing conflict between Monet and her brother, who is now inside her. No, I'm not talking about Game of Thrones style incest here. She merged with Emplate during the last arc and she's still struggling to control it. She still has the urge to feed on mutants the same way I feed on bacon. She doesn't fight that urge all that well. Then again, she's part of the Hellfire Club now. Fighting urges isn't their style.

There battle against the Someday Corporation is escalating quickly. That makes it a lousy time for another flashback, but it also gives the story a chance to gain further refinement. Once again, we go back to that magical 8-month gap where mutants got shafted by Fox's lawyers and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who benefit as a result. Magneto just made his pitch to Psylocke. Now, he's looking for new allies. This leads him to the steps of the Hellfire Club.

This is where Briar Raleigh comes back into the picture. Again, her presence only helps Magneto and this series. She may be human, but she proved during Magneto's solo series that she can kick more ass than most and do it after having lost part of her leg. She can also do it while looking sexy as hell and that goes a long ways in a place like the Hellfire Club. Magneto knows this and needs her help. Plus, it never hurts to have someone who's sexy as hell on your side.

The introductions go about as well as they can hope. By that, I mean everybody keeps their pants on and nobody gets gagged, although I'm sure that's part of the negotiations. Along the way, Magneto makes an important point. At a time when Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are getting preferential treatment left and right, mutants can't be petty anymore. They can't be divided. As far as he's concerned, every mutant is an X-man now. They have to be if they're to survive and sadly, he's probably right.

So...is it awesome?

It's kinky, deceptive, and ethically questionable on all fronts. In other words, it's perfectly in line with who the Hellfire Club is and how they operate. Cullen Bunn did not turn them into a charity for botched breast implants or to teach bondage to former nuns. He makes them allies of the X-men while still maintaining the spirit of decadence, bondage, and excessive cleavage. That alone is an accomplishment that sets Uncanny X-men #12 apart.

As a story that just happens to have a bunch of kinky, bondage-loving sadists, there's plenty of intrigue. Granted, some of that intrigue gets lost by having Psylocke bitch and moan for a good chunk of the story. While she's well within her right to be skeptical about a team-up with the Hellfire Club, she overdoes it somewhat at times. It still leads to a well-developed plot that connects with previous arcs and even Bunn's previous Magneto series. Those kinds of cohesive connections go a long ways towards showing that he gives a damn about making Uncanny X-men #12 awesome. In an era where relaunches and reboots happen more often than annoying car insurance commercials, that means something.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Civil War II: X-men #3: Nuff Said!

Go back and watch the first Back to the Future movie. Then, imagine if Biff Tanner had been given steroids, a bag of crystal meth, and an AK-47. That should give you a good idea of what the Inhumans have going for them right now in the Marvel universe. Yes, these racist, xenophobic, slave-owning asshats are getting those kinds of benefits because Fox demands too many blowjobs for anything involving mutants. That's what the X-men are up against in Civil War II.

Now, the Inhumans have the ultimate edge in Ulysses, as if having Kamala Khan on their side wasn't enough. While he does help save Magneto and the Uncanny X-men team, there are still those who aren't all that comfortable with the Inhumans having this kind of weapon. Naturally, Magneto is one of them. Tragically, Storm still thinks there's benefits to teaming up with racist, xenophobic slave-owners who don't want to do shit about the poison fart cloud that's killing her people. I normally support storm in all things, but I really have a hard time standing by her on this one. I'm hoping Civil War II: X-men #3 will at least add some balance to the argument because I am not comfortable siding against a woman who can turn my asshole into a lightning rod.

In the spirit of balance, it helps to find someone who knows a thing or two about this shit. You know who has a good idea of what shitty futures feel like? Rachel Grey-Summers. Yep! The daughter of two founding members of the X-men comes from a pretty shitty future to say the least. She's basically a mutant-hunting bloodhound, albeit a very sexy mutant-hunting bloodhound. I'm just saying that if I'm going to be hunted and killed in an shitty future, I want it done by a pretty redhead and not some giant Inhuman fart cloud.

Why is Rachel Grey suddenly relevant? Well, at the end of the previous issue, Magneto is in need of a telepath and Psylocke currently trusts him about as much as she can jerk off to him. So he needs another telepath who's on her level. Rachel Grey's mother is a telepath so powerful she bitch-slapped Emma Frost and hogtied the Phoenix Force for years. She's got a damn good pedigree is what I'm saying.

Magneto tracks her down in London where she's reading some pretty sick thoughts and not of the Austin Powers variety. Apparently, dying mutants generate about as much concern as potholes and cheap wine. The minds Rachel reads are basically cut and pasted from Disney lawyers. They're eager to see every mutant in the world wiped out to make way for the racist, xenophobic slave-owners to take their place. Suddenly, I feel like strangling Austin Powers and pissing on his grave.

Naturally, it doesn't take much to convince Rachel to help Magneto. She's already from a shitty future. Now, the racist xenophobic slave-owners behind the mutant-killing fart cloud have Ulysses on their side. Magneto makes the perfectly logical point that mutants would not be this screwed, were it not for the racist xenophobic slave-owners. So of course Rachel Grey agrees to help him. In her future, the racist xenophobic slave-owners don't do shit to help anyone. Now they've got a fucking pre-cog on their side? That's like Donald Trump winning the fucking lottery.

It's one of the strangest, yet most intriguing parts of this series. Magneto is making the most sense. Again, let me say that more slowly. Magneto is making sense. Anyone who has been an X-men fan longer than a few years understands how fucked up that is. That's just the kind of world X-men live in now, thanks to racist xenophobic slave owners.

While Magneto is making sense and recruiting powerful telepaths from shitty futures, Storm makes some effort at a peaceful solution. She meets with the queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners. It's admirable to some degree. Then, I remember that this is the same queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners who doesn't do jack shit to help an entire race that's dying because of a big fucking fart cloud.

Never-the-less, there is a genuine effort here to provide balance to the debate. Storm and Medusa of the racist xenophobic slave-owners discuss the recent break-in of Fantomex, one of Magneto's top spies. The racist xenophobic slave-owners don't appreciate spies, even if it's from another race they're helping to exterminate. Storm points out that they helped with this. They didn't even ask the racist xenophobic slave-owners to step it up on the whole M-pox issue. They just did the right thing, hoping to avoid another shit storm with racist xenophobic slave-owners.

The conversation here is actually pretty dense. Cullen Bunn really digs into the personalities of both characters. Storm is a former queen. Medusa is an acting queen of the racist xenophobic slave-owners. They can relate to one another better than most. Hell, Old Man Logan would probably just try to bone her because she has red hair. Storm makes a genuine effort to avoid becoming enemies. She wants to be allies with racist xenophobic slave-owners. I'm not sure if that makes her hypocritical, but she's still sincere as she always is.

That said, she does show some frustration at some point. It's the first time Storm actually shows a little backbone against the racist xenophobic slave-owners. Instead of bitching about Cyclops and blaming everything on him, she actually gets hostile towards Medusa and her racist xenophobic slave-owners for the current state of mutants. What makes it remarkable is that it does work to some degree. Medusa agrees not to unleash the full force of the racist xenophobic slave-owners against Magneto. She still wants to try a more measured response, which is probably the best Storm can hope for from a bunch of racist xenophobic slave-owners.

The response is actually fairly measured. Medusa sends a spy on behalf of the racist xenophobic slave-owners to Magneto's base in the Savage Land. He arrives just in time to listen to Magneto say what pretty much every single X-men fan feels right now. The racist xenophobic slave-owners don't deserve to have a powerful pre-cog on their team for the same reason that Warren Buffet doesn't deserve tax breaks. Their only hope is to secure Ulysses to keep the racist xenophobic slave-owners from exploiting his talents. They make it clear they don't want to kill him, but knowing Magento, that's always an option. Against racist xenophobic slave-owners, he tends not to be that merciful.

He also tends to know when he's being spied on. This guy fought fucking Nazis. He's used to sniffing out racist xenophobic slave-owners. With Sabretooth on his team, it's even easier. Does it make for a bland spy movie? Sure. At this point though, how competent can you expect racist xenophobic slave-owners to be?

There's more spy shit going on in other parts as well. In the previous issue, Storm's team manages to capture Fantomex, thanks to help from Gambit. These efforts mean Gambit gets to kiss Storm on the cheek without getting a lightning bolt up the ass. That's as good a reward as any in my book. It gives them a chance to interrogate Fantomex. Since Psylocke is on their team, I'm pretty sure they're eager to violate every provision of the Geneva Convention.

They don't have to though. Fantomex is happy to cooperate, telling them he just went to spy on the racist xenophobic slave-owners to scope them out. He was never going to harm Ulysses or any of the racist xenophobic slave-owners, which is a pretty big deal for someone who once shot a kid in the head. Even Psylocke, who wants any excuse to rip his eyes out, says he's telling the truth.

The only problem is that Fantomex, being the douche-bag that he is, doesn't cooperate this easily unless there's a tactical advantage. In this case, that means him setting up an attack by Magneto's team. Nightcrawler, Monet, Sabretooth, and Arcangel each storm in and release Fantomex. This officially sets off the war part of X-men Civil War II. It may have taken a while to unfold, but fuck if it isn't satisfying.

It has Sabretooth vs. Old Man Logan. It has Storm vs. Arcangel. It has Magik vs. Monet. It even has Mystique vs. Gambit and who doesn't want to see a bitter old woman deck the guy who tries to constantly screw her daughter? It's as satisfying as it sounds. While X-men do fight each other a lot these days, so do other heroes. It's an obscenely common theme in an event called Civil War. That's what makes it so fitting.

As much fun as it is seeing X-men fight X-men, even when it's the racist xenophobic slave-owners who are fucking them over, there are real tactical mechanisms in play here. As the X-men are making life that much easier for the racist xenophobic slave-owners, a few decide to actually do something. With Storm's team distracted, Magneto and Rachel Grey head towards Attilan to confront the racist xenophobic slave-owners and their newest weapon. It's still strange, rooting for Magneto this much, but he's too damn competent and too damn reasonable this time. A holocaust survivor against racist xenophobic slave-owners? No contest.

So...is it awesome?

Well for one, it's refreshing to see Storm show some backbone against Medusa. Sure, they're just a few sparks and she still gives the impression that she's not willing to lick Medusa's asshole clean if she were to ask, but she doesn't just bend over and take it. She has slightly more dignity than a gimp in a German fetish porno. Even so, her side still fails to make any case that working with the Inhumans makes any fucking sense. They're still racist xenophobic slave owners who don't do jack shit when mutants are dying. Magneto rightly points this out and I can't disagree with him.

Beyond Storm showing at least some backbone, the action here is solid. Cullen Bunn once again arranges the story masterfully. It doesn't have any major "Oh fuck me with a telephone pole!" type moments, but he puts all the major players in place. He creates a solid, well-detailed plan that doesn't just involve X-men bitching at one another. It's the kind of refinement that makes Bunn the kind of X-men writer that you could share a glass of imported wine with. For that, Civil War II #3 has everything going for it, except overpriced cheese.

Final Score: 7 out of 10