Uncanny X-men #13: Nuff Said!

When villains become heroes and heroes become villains, it doesn't always mean the Scarlet Witch got drunk on chaos magic again and inverted everybody. It can also mean that a situation is now so utterly fucked that we can't help but cheer for villains to some extent. For the X-men, who rely heavily on sterilization, time travel, and alternate universes to hold themselves together, I'd say they're fifteen steps past fucked.

That's why I think people are ready to actually root for the Hellfire Club. For once, it won't just be the pro-orgy, pro-corruption, pro-Victorian fashion enthusiasts who will be cheering. The world is basically giving a big middle finger to the mutant race. The Hellfire Club is poised to do the same and get laid in the process. Who wouldn't respect that? They've been operating behind the scenes since Uncanny X-men began under Cullen Bunn. In Uncanny X-men #13, he's finally getting around to digging a little deeper. I'm expecting plenty of orgy and wine to be mixed in. Bet you're not going to get that shit on New Attilan.

Other than orgies and wine, the X-men do show that they can work with the Hellfire Club when corrupt companies and Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are involved. Together, they launch an attack on an oil rig run by the Someday Corporation, the overly shady motherfuckers from the first arc of this series that claimed to help mutants by letting them sleep through this latest shit storm. They suspect that a company that puts mutants in comas may have a less noble agenda. That's like saying Mel Gibson may have an anger management problem.

In the least surprising development since Adam Sandler failed to get nominated for an Oscar, the X-men and their orgy-loving allies are attacked on the rig by a team of weaponized mutants. This makes for some heavy action, complete with some nice little insight from Psylocke, who is basically the one getting most pissed off by this team-up. Seeing that she's on a team with Sabretooth, that's saying something.

It's a fun, gritty battle that's perfectly in line with the battles Magneto's team has fought throughout this series. With the Hellfire Club involved, it becomes even more appropriate. However, they all do keep their clothes on during the fight so maybe there's still room for improvement.

It's not just mindless slap-fighting either. There is a strategy involved here. That strategy involves Mystique doing some sneaky shit behind the scene and being sexy as hell while doing it. That's a damn good strategy by default. It involves singling out one weaponized mutant, sedating him, and letting Arcangel carry him off. I don't know the merit of that strategy, but Mystique is involved so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Well, that and my penis won't let me do otherwise.

The battle intensifies. The X-men and their new orgy-loving buddies are surrounded. Shit is going south faster than a constipated horse with food poisoning. Then, one of the weaponized mutants gets a psychic message and they leave. It's ominous and vague as fuck, but that's what happens. They just up and leave.

Is it a somewhat disappointing way to end a gritty, visceral clash between X-men and weaponized mutants? Yes, to some degree it is. However, it doesn't come off as completely meaningless because Mystique still succeeds with her strategy. Either the Someday Corporation is just trolling them or they have a strategy of their own. If it leads to Mystique being sneaky and sexy as hell, then I'm all for it.

Once all the weaponized mutants are gone, they enter the belly of the rig and find the same disturbing shit they've found before with Someday. They have mutants in statis tubes, hoping they'll wake up in a future where mutants aren't sterilized, heroes aren't fighting one another, and every hooker looks like Emma Frost. That's probably hoping for way too fucking much, but I can't say I blame them for wanting to sit this shit out.

Again, there's no big surprises here. These people weaponize mutants. Anyone who thinks they're being entirely honest with their business probably buys diet pills from Dr. Oz. Psylocke finds out there's some mind-fucking going on with these mutants and not the fun kind that the Hellfire Club probably enjoys every other Tuesday. Nobody looks surprised, nor should they be. They just know for certain now that more people need to have their heads bashed in.

They return to the Hellfire Club, which also happens to have a research lab that may or may not also act as a porno set. There's more curious insight from Psylocke, whose attitudes towards the Hellfire Club are skeptical at best. I'm sure she doesn't trust any organization that thinks lingerie is a suitable uniform. Then again, she has been on teams with Emma Frost so maybe she's not one to talk.

She remains less focused on those who enjoy one too many orgies and more on the mind-fucking that the Someday Corporation is pulling. She dips into the mind of the mutant they captured from the rig. She finds out he's from Mongolia and his life as a mutant really sucks donkey balls, which is fairly typical in any world where Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get preferential treatment. He jumps at the chance to find sanctuary with Someday for reasons that are entirely understandable. Even so, he had to know on some levels that they were going to screw him over. It's like getting a loan from Tony Soprano. Somebody is going to break some bones at some point.

It leads to a flashy psychic journey into the mind of an ordinary mutant who doesn't want to be an X-man or live in a world where it sucks this much for mutants. It's a rare insight into the mutant population that gets glossed over/screwed over in X-men comics too often. Having Psylocke enter a mind, wielding her classic costume, and uncovering a painful psychic presence is just a nice bonus that moves the story forward.

Mystique may not share Psylocke's psychic gifts, but she's every bit as good at doing her job and looking sexy as hell in the process. She still has her own strategy and it involves doing what she does best, infiltrating a shady organization and finding ways to screw them over in ways they won't enjoy. It's a beautiful thing. It helped make Jennifer Lawrence's career. I always get a little emotional seeing it.

She's not nearly as charming as Jennifer Lawrence this time around. She gets in, she fights a few guards, and snaps a few necks. That's pretty much Mystique on a Monday. Once she's in, she takes the form of one of the mutant weapons and does a little digging. She ends up finding a surgery center that probably isn't just doing cheap boob jobs. Historically, surgery and mutants are like napalm and meth labs. It's bad combination.

It's also usually a bad combination to have a powerful telepath in the mind of a disturbed mutant. It only helps when one of those telepaths is sexy as hell. The sexiness, however, doesn't protect Psylocke from a little psychic trap. While in the mind of the hapless mutant who just wanted to sleep through this shit storm, she finds out the mind-fucking began shortly after they put him into stasis. That's right. Someday didn't even let him dream about a future where Jean Grey is President, Charles Xavier is the Pope, and Wolverine is Secretary of Whiskey. They just go right to mind-fucking him. Even the folks at Halliburton would say that's cold.

It's painful. It's disturbing. It's also flashy as hell, as are most psychic battles. As Psylocke is trying to dig through this unlucky mutant's mind, Mystique is snapping more necks. She doesn't like being left behind of course she's going to overcompensate. It's part of what makes her so skilled and sexy. She tries fighting off the asshats in the surgery room while Psylocke tries to find the source of the mind-fucking. It gets a little chaotic and a little confusing, as do most things that involve mind battles and shape shifters. Again, it helps when the characters involved are sexy as hell so at least there's entertainment value.

In the end, it's Mystique who uncovers the source of the mind-fucking. She's competitive. She's not going to let a purple-haired ninja beat her to the punch. That's what makes her so damn good at her job. However, she may regret being so damn good because the source of the mind-fucking isn't someone whose neck is easily snapped. It's Exodus.

Remember this asshole? He's powerful. He's mean. He looks like he lost one too many fights with a tanning both. He's also a powerful psychic and someone who actively looks for excuses to piss off the X-men. His presence is intriguing in that it exposes some secrets about the Someday Corporation. It also hints that there may be another battle between X-men and Exodus. I guess it beats the hell out of them fighting other heroes for once.

So...is it awesome?

I guess that depends on how intrigued you are on any story that involves Exodus mind-fucking people. Personally, I find that shit pretty damn intriguing. Magneto is no boy scout, but Exodus is right up there with tobacco lobbyists and traffic cops in terms of being an asshole. Cullen Bunn has been weaving all sorts of vague mysteries surrounding the Someday Corporation since Uncanny X-men began. I took 13 issues, but we finally have some answers and I can now say it was worth the wait.

Like a slow-burning candle that fills a room with the scent of peppermint and chocolate, Uncanny X-men #13 took a while to get noticeably awesome. It drags at times and gets a little disorganized. However, it still finds a way to make your asshole clench for all the right reasons. It also gives you a damn good reason to pick up the next issue. For the good of the series and the good of Disney's accountants, that's a win in my book.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Doomed Concept: Superman Doomed #1

The following is my review of Superman Doomed #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The best tools have multiple uses for multiple tasks. That's how some people can be dropped on a remote desert island with nothing but a pocket knife and some duct tape and survive in ways that would put Gilligan's Island to shame. But some tools are defined by their utterly singular use. A sledge hammer only has so many functions. Nobody can ever say a sledge hammer helped them craft an ice sculpture of the Virgin Mary. However, these tools are often designed with this singular use in mind. It's fairly reasonable to conclude that the inventor of tequila didn't call it a success because it tasted good. Like any drink only meant for getting drunk, certain characters are brewed for one desired outcome. Doomsday is basically the sledge hammer/tequila of the DC Universe, which makes an event surrounding him conceptually questionable.

Doomsday as a character has only one use: to kill Superman. It has succeeded before to an extent. This was the creature that killed Superman in the now iconic Death of Superman arc, a story that might or might not have been nullified by the New 52 reboot. It has already shown up before in Superman/Wonder Woman, albeit briefly. Now an entire event is being built around Superman battling Doomsday. The main selling point is that unlike 99 percent of Superman's enemies, this one is as strong as him and fully capable of killing him. That means that those who complain that Superman is too powerful will have little to complain about in Superman Doomed #1, the first issue in a crossover story that will consume every Superman comic.

This story effectively builds on Doomsday's earlier appearances. Before, this mindless creature was like Stan Lee in the Marvel movies, popping up every now and then and not having much of an impact. Now the creature has stopped biding its time and begins making its presence known, which for Doomsday involves the kind of wholesale slaughter usually found only in Rambo movie. Superman, obviously not a Rambo fan, takes it upon himself to stop Doomsday. He gets help from everyone he can, including Lex Luthor. That alone demonstrates the power of this creature. It's dangerous enough for Superman to actually agree with Lex Luthor.

But this issue doesn't just involve Superman looking for ways to battle Doomsday. This battle unfolds in the midst of another conflict that involves everyone in Smallville falling into a coma. This is how Lois Lane and Lana Lang get involved, adding some personal stakes to what could have otherwise just been a glorified street brawl between overpowered characters. However, the link between this story and Doomsday is poorly defined. The lack of connections make it an aside of sorts. The same thing happens with Steel, who briefly gets to have a shot at Doomsday. But he might as well be a warm-up battle because little comes of it. So while there is an effort made to make this story about more than a mindless beast capable of killing Superman, those efforts lack refinement. It's like a computer with no WiFi in that its function is limited.

In the end, it still turns into a story that's mostly about Superman battling Doomsday and therein lies the flaw in the concept. This is pretty much the only way for the story to go. It's like a destination that has only one road leading to it. The story has to unfold this way. As a concept, it's inherently predictable. As a theme, it's exceedingly narrow. However, an effort is still made to ensure Superman Doomed #1 doesn't become just another Death of Superman knock-off. While most of the story does involve Superman fighting Doomsday, the end result opens the door to paving a different path that helps make it at least somewhat less predictable.

There's no question that when Superman is focused on a single task, he's more than powerful enough to see it through. This is someone who has moved planets, traveled through time, and managed to befriend Batman. So when he takes on Doomsday, he doesn't hold back. But in doing so, he finds out the hard way that he's fighting something he doesn't fully understand. This is yet another instance where Superman could learn a thing or two from Batman because by focusing on stopping Doomsday from hurting anyone else, Superman sets into motion the most menacing threat from the creature. He essentially sets the stage to become Doomsday himself. That's something Batman would've figured out, albeit at the last possible moment. But in the end, it's too late.

So even though the battle between Superman and Doomsday doesn't turn into a ripoff of Rocky IV, it's still somewhat predictable. Superman tries to defeat Doomsday, but by using only his fists, he incurs some unexpected damage. It might be an epic, visually stunning battle, but it's only the first round. And few fights that don't involve Mike Tyson or Muhammed Ali in their prime end in the first round. Future rounds promise to take on a very different form, which involves Superman fighting himself even harder than he fought Doomsday. And that's another concept that is inherently flawed on many respects because if the only way to stop Doomsday is to become him, then that just reinforces the character's primary purpose of challenging Superman.

Flawed concept or not, the execution of the story is still solid and the conflict it creates is set to expand into every Superman title. The connections to this story are still not in place, but the scale of the conflict has been effectively set. Superman Doomed #1 manages to set itself apart from a typical Superman-battles-a-killer-monster narrative. It creates a conflict that is both daunting and personal for Superman and one that will rely as heavily on his supporting cast as it will on his strength. While the concept may be akin to a very simple tool with a singular use, this doesn't make that tool any less effective.

Final Score: 6 out of 10