Melodrama Within the Heat of Battle: Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1

The following is my review of Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a time and a place to deal with personal issues. An all-out alien invasion, is not one of them. There's a reason why there aren't any crossovers between Twilight and War of the Worlds. One conflict just does not accommodate the other. It's like trying to throw a fancy dinner party and a paintball tournament at the same time. It just doesn't work. However, this is often what Superman and Wonder Woman have had to do over the course of their relationship.

Throughout this series, which has created a strong narrative around a blossoming relationship, Superman and Wonder Woman do set time aside to develop their relationship, as all healthy couples do. It has led to many strong, intimate moments in between battles against gods, aliens, and everything in between. Whereas most couples have a hard time planning their private time around work and football games, these two have to find that time when a new global threat seems to enter the picture at least twice a month. Because of this, they often have to multitask between being two of Earth's most powerful heroes and being in a mature relationship. In the Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1, their capacity to multitasking is tested in a big way and they don't necessarily pass with flying colors.

For most of the Superman/Wonder Woman series, DC's de-facto power couple have been able to achieve a consistent balance between dealing with threats and growing together as a couple. In the same way that couples who play together stay, couples who take on gods and killer aliens between date nights have more going for them than a typical Friday night fling. But threats like Doomsday, Brainiac, and Cyborg Superman are not the kind of threats that can accommodate a date night. As a result, there's a noticeable lack of balance for Superman and Wonder Woman as a couple. However, the struggle for them as individuals is still plenty compelling.

When Superman became infected with Doomsday, he became one of those problems that can't be worked out by cuddling with Wonder Woman over a candle-lit dinner at an overpriced restaurant. The struggle to control the urge to bring death to anything more complex than a bed of dead algae has been the driving force behind Superman: Doomed. It's a struggle that Superman has to fight on his own because most of it takes place within his own psyche. The persona of Doomsday and the persona of Clark Kent are constantly at odds, wrestling for control. It's like an arm-wrestling match with one of the contestants being on steroids.

This is a struggle that Wonder Woman can do little to effect. She was already able to do her part by helping Superman get off the planet and away from innocent people. But when Superman is forced to return to Earth to deal with an invasion by Brainiac and Cyborg Superman, Wonder Woman has to do even more. However, her struggle isn't as personal because the Justice League and the rest of Earth's heroes get involved as well. Even a power couple needs reinforcements at time. Love alone is not a viable defense against alien drones.

The scale of this battle is well-developed and more than appropriate in the context of the story. It would have been easy to shrug it off and assume that the heroes of the DC Universe are so used to fighting off alien invasions that it's not a story worth telling. For a story built around personal struggles, it provides a greater perspective that is easily lost in big crossover stories in the same way a chirping bird is lost at a rock concert. However, this also has the effect of limiting the collective struggle between Superman and Wonder Woman that gave so much weight to the drama in this battle.

In the midst of this global battle that involves some of DC's biggest heroes, Wonder Woman has to confront Superman again. And once again, she has to fight him while he struggles to regain control of himself. But it's a struggle that becomes secondary in wake of the many other ongoing conflicts involving Brainiac and Cyborg Superman. That's not to say the priorities aren't in order. A global invasion and a psychopathic alien intelligence definitely takes priority over personal struggles. Because of that, Wonder Woman's struggle to help her lover has a limited impact in the overall struggle. It's more a salad than a main course.

That's not to say there aren't some emotional moments in this struggle. Wonder Woman's presence definitely affects Superman's inner struggle against Doomsday. And Wonder Woman is certainly affected when she comes close to slaying Doomsday. However, these emotional moments lack significant depth. There's never that heart-wrenching, Old Yeller level struggle. The way Superman is able to assert control over Doomsday just seems too easy and too smooth. It's pretty jarring from earlier struggles in this story, many of which involved a more intimate struggle with Wonder Woman. This didn't really come off as one of those struggles that they would tell and re-tell their grandkids one day. It felt like one of those more tedious steps in a much larger conflict.

That overall conflict is still unresolved. Superman is still infected by Doomsday and the invasion by Brainiac is not over. Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1 succeeded in expanding the scope and scale of this conflict, but did little to expand upon the personal drama. It had the feel of a Superman comic more than a Superman/Wonder Woman comic. There was plenty of room for melodramatic substance, but that room was taken up by theatrical style. Overall, it helped move the Superman: Doomed narrative forward in a meaningful way, but with less emotional weight than previous entries. This is still a conflict that's going to require more than a few date nights and flower bouquets to work through, but it's not going to require extensive couple's therapy just yet.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1

In an era of no-fault divorce, mail order brides, and cheap boob jobs, there’s a lot of incentive for people to give up on relationships. If given the option between actually working through a problem or just finding someone else who doesn’t have that problem, a majority of those people will just say, “Fuck it,” I’m done with this shit. And it’s not just out of sheer laziness, although trophy wives and burned out rock stars make that hard to believe. Some people just have problems that are too fucked up to fix with counseling and make-up sex. Human beings are often irrational, unreasonable creatures who tend to get even more irrational and unreasonable when someone else doesn’t solve their problems for them. That’s why the strongest relationships and the most epic love stories aren’t the bullshit premise of every Hugh Grant movie ever made. They’re the result of couples who take the time to work through their shit.

Superman and Wonder Woman are one of those couples that has to deal with more shit than most. Even a couple of recovering alcoholics don’t have to survive being in a nuclear explosion or dealing with asshole relatives who happen to be gods. Yet despite all the complications and all the bitching and moaning from fans claiming it’s just a gimmick for the 50 Shades of Grey crowd, they’ve found a way to make it work. Since hooking up in Justice League #12, Superman and Wonder Woman have actually put a conscious effort into developing their relationship and making it stronger. That means doing crazy things like supporting one another when shit gets tough and enduring when things go wrong. That doesn’t take someone with a PHD in psychology and gender relations to figure out, but dozens of shitty Disney movies have led us to believe that everything works itself out on its own. Well now that Superman is turning into fucking Doomsday, he and Wonder Woman can’t exactly get through this with self-help books and therapy. They need to find a way to get through this shit while being willing to beat up anyone or anything that gets in their way, which includes fending off an alien invasion. The Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1 is ground zero for this struggle and I hope other couples follow along. Maybe then they’ll understand why leaving the toilet seat up isn’t grounds for divorce.

That struggle has already reached epic levels of fucked up. Superman, still infected with Doomsday, had to leave the Earth, both because he can’t fight the urge to kill everything within a 200-mile radius and because Lex Luthor poisoned the atmosphere with Kryptonite. For once, the cold emptiness of space is a lot safer than Earth and since this is the same Earth that contains spiders, jellyfish, Donald Trump, that’s saying something. But it doesn’t stay safe for long and not because of space spiders either.

Superman end up confronting Cyborg Superman, who is like an erector set powered by a billion nuclear reactors. Yet it’s still an unfair fight because a Doomsday-powered Superman still sees it the same way most people see a wounded tarantula. The only natural instinct is to crush it and burn the entrails. Cyborg Superman tries to taunt Superman, saying that he’s got a whole fleet of fancy alien robots heading to Earth and he’s too late to stop it. He might as well told a meth head his mother is fat because even with an alien fleet of killer robots, it’s still not a fair fight. This only means Superman isn’t going to stick around to rip apart Cyborg Superman in ways that would make Charles Manson nauseous. But I imagine it’s still on his to-do list.

And Superman isn’t the only one who is going to be pissed at an alien army is heading to Earth. The Justice League usually take an interest in incoming alien invasions. This is the same league that fought off an invasion from Darkseid so they’re going to take this shit pretty seriously. Steel, who has been working with Lana Lang for most of this crossover event, give them a few warnings, but they don’t end up being necessary because the fleet ends up taking out Earth’s defense grid. While defense contractors may appreciate being paid to rebuild it, this doesn’t bode well.

But that’s not to say that Lana and Steel aren’t completely useless in warning the league. This is where it shows there has been some real, honest-to-Rao effort put into this story. Lana Lang, who is two parts Elon Musk and one part Jessica Alba in the New 52, reveals the source of the mysterious plague that knocked everyone in Smallville and Metropolis into a coma. She says the plan is to do this to the entire world, that way Brainiac’s forces don’t have to deal with these annoying humans. It’s so brilliant that it makes Darkseid’s plan look like it was organized by Andy Dick. It also shows that Lois Lane isn’t the only human woman in the DC universe who can contribute with an attitude and a great rack.

Despite having plenty of warning and details of the alien battle plan, it still couldn’t hurt to have Superman on the front lines. I know it makes for a shitty situation on all sides in that people have to choose death by Doomsday or death by alien robots. But since Doomsday has made it clear that he doesn’t use anal probes and Brainiac has shown no such assurances, I think that makes the choice pretty clear.

This still requires Clark Kent to fight for control against the influence of Doomsday. It’s a struggle that has been ongoing for most of this event. At times, it has fluctuated wildly. Clark Kent’s will-power is strong, but Doomsday is basically the Hulk on cocaine binge. Yet in some strange way, Superman ends up influencing Doomsday. It actually supports the idea of returning to Earth to protect Superman’s adopted home. That may just be because it’ll surround him with more fleshy targets, but it’s the first time that Doomsday is shown to have a personality with more depth than Al Gore.

The battle against the Brainiac invasion begins and again, there’s considerable effort at making it appropriately epic. Other members of the Justice League get involved, as anyone would expect in the face of an alien invasion. The scope and scale of the attack is nicely conveyed. It might not sound like a big deal, but in an era where refinement is only reserved for energy companies and hard liquor, it feels refreshing. It’s like a bag boy at a grocery store going out of his way to help. Few expect it these days, but it’s deeply appreciated when it happens.

When Superman arrives to the battle, the Kryptonite in the atmosphere knocks out Clark Kent and lets Doomsday give a spikey middle finger to all notions of anger management. That means Brainiac’s fleet stands no chance. They might as well be shooting at a tank battalion with marshmallow guns and stuffed kittens. It’s as satisfying as it sounds without adding chocolate and graham crackers to the mix.

The scope and scale continues to grow, giving the battle an even more epic feel. It goes beyond the Justice League, touching on skirmishes all over the world. The Teen Titans, Swamp Thing, and the Red Lantern Corps all get to play a part. And Cyborg, being the Justice League equivalent of Siri, monitors the whole thing to help give a comprehensive perspective on this battle. Again, this is way more effort than I expect. If only the post service and my cell phone carrier put this much effort into their work, I wouldn’t be waiting in line at the post office or dealing with dip-shit tech support people every other Tuesday. It shouldn’t be this overwhelmingly awesome. It shouldn’t have to be. Yet here we are and I’m not complaining, not until my cell phone service starts fucking up again anyways.

As this epic battle is going on, Steel and Lana aren’t done contributing. The alien invasion by Brainiac’s fleet is in full swing, but Cyborg Superman is nowhere to be seen. And he’s not doing the cyborg equivalent of jerking off either. He doesn’t seem to think that a global alien invasion is enough. Darkseid already did that and it’s about as trendy as crocs and ug boots. So Cyborg Superman is planning something else, which involves constructing this big ass ring on the dark side of the moon. He’s assuming the rest of the world is distracted with the whole alien invasion and it’s not an unreasonable assumption. Lana and Steel know this and understand they can’t expect anyone to lend a hand when they’re fighting off alien rectal probes. So they have to be the ones to deal with this. It’s a pretty woman and a badass black guy in a steel suit. That sounds like both a fair fight and an awesome porno.

It’s just another in many other awesome fights that continue to unfold. Doomsday is certainly enjoying himself, having both killer alien robots and a planet full of fragile, squishy life to maim. But when he starts to have a little too much fun, Clark Kent tries to fight back to keep him from going on a Hulk-style rampage. Keep in mind, he’s trying to do this while the whole planet is shrouded in Kryptonite gas. He really shouldn’t have the strength to fight back against someone like Doomsday, let alone stop himself from vomiting uncontrollably like a teenage boy sitting through a Twilight marathon.

Now I know Superman is all about strength, will-power, and accomplishing the impossible, but this is starting to push it. The first time the kryptonite came into effect, he went down faster than Jenna Jameson at a dildo factory. Now he’s up and fighting again, surrounded by kryptonite and going up against someone like Doomsday? I’m all for rooting for the underdog, but not when it’s this unrealistic. It’s like rooting for the Mighty Ducks against a team of Canadian ninjas.

To be fair, it’s not a struggle that Superman is able to win. He slows Doomsday down, but he doesn’t overcome him. If he did, then that would be too unbelievable even for Superman. This is the point where he needs help from a beautiful woman like Wonder Woman. This is supposed to be their book anyways, even if it is a tie-in. This is one of those struggles that a couple needs to work out together. Granted, this isn’t one of those anger management issues that can be addressed through counseling and appearances on Dr. Phil. But they’ve been helping each other and supporting each other since their relationship began. Why should it be any different when one of them is possessed by an alien killing machine and the other happens to be the God of War? It’s certainly a more reasonable fight than who left the toilet seat up.

While I’m sure the Lois Lanes of the world want to cook up some popcorn and jerk off to a Superman/Wonder Woman fight, this struggle ends up being secondary. There’s still the matter of an alien invasion and a secret plot by Cyborg Superman. That doesn’t mean the Superman/Wonder Woman battle should be secondary. As I said, this is still their fucking book. But it’s still part of a larger crossover event so the melodrama that has soaked the panties of many Superman/Wonder Woman fans in this series has to wait.

Steel and Lana Lang are still caught up in a fight that might end up being more important than any lover’s spat or alien invasion because they’re trying to stop Cyborg Superman from dumping napalm onto the fire. Steel tries to slow him down, but even he knows it’s not a fair fight. A man in a steel suit is not going to measure up to a cyborg Superman in the same way 12-year-old with boxing gloves is not going to measure up against a hungry polar bear. Even Lana knows this and she’s able to make it a fair fight, getting in a few shots with the ship and showing that she has bigger balls than most men could ever boast to having.

As badass as Lana Lang is, she still manages to get herself shot out of the sky. Cyborg Superman doesn’t just shake off cheap shots. It forces Steel to abandon this horribly unfair fight and rescue her from the ship. It’s incredibly heroic and all, a guy rescuing a pretty girl who just saved his ass. But it still leaves Cyborg Superman intact and probably laughing his ass off. To be fair, they were overmatched and had nobody to call. Yet that didn’t stop them from being as badass as the situation allowed them to be. Most would have started playing games on their phone and waited for Batman to solve the problem. These two actually made the effort and for that, they deserve a shot of tequila and a bong hit.

The fight against Doomsday Superman and God of War Wonder Woman is a bit more balanced, but not in the same way. This is the battle that has the most drama, an out-of-control Superman against a beautiful woman who’s desperate to save him. This the battle that’s supposed to soak the most panties and trigger the biggest boners. Clark Kent is losing his struggle to regain control and Wonder Woman is running out of time because Doomsday is ready to start using innocent people as chewing gum. At this point, the only way to stop him is to treat him like a zombie in a Resident Evil game and go for a headshot. And only Wonder Woman has the hand cannon to do it.

It’s a moment that should be very emotion. However, it’s somewhat rushed. Wonder Woman does plead with Superman to regain control so she doesn’t have to give him the Marie Antoinette treatment. It just doesn’t feel as dramatic as it could have been. Compared to the effort and details put into every other part of the story, it feels sub-par. If it were a math test in high school, it would get a C-plus. It’s still a passing grade, but not as great as it could be. I don’t mean to channel like my bitchy old algebra teacher, but I hold stories of this scale to a higher standard.

In the end, Wonder Woman’s pleas aren’t the deciding factor. It’s actually Batman’s doing, of course. I know some Superman fans will bang their heads against the wall for this, but his role is important here because he finds a way to remove the kryptonite cloud from the air. That means Clark Kent is no longer weakened and incredibly pissed off because Doomsday was hurting his girlfriend. It allows him to regain control so Wonder Woman doesn’t have to resort to a head shot. Again, it could have made for a much more dramatic moment than it turned out to be. It didn’t fail, but it didn’t pass with flying colors either.

It still helps that plenty of effort is put into conveying the scope and scale of this battle. We get another big-picture look at the overall struggle. Cyborg reports that heroes on multiple fronts are beating back the alien invaders in a way that would make an awesome Independence Day sequel. And with Superman regaining control, it seems the tide for the battle has finally turned. It’s still not over. Superman and Wonder Woman aren’t quite yet ready to get to the makeup sex just yet, but they’re a bit closer now.

Unfortunately, they’re not as close as they think. The battle on Earth might be won, but Cyborg Superman didn’t seem to give three hundredths of a shit about that battle. He was busy working on that big cosmic ring behind the moon. Once Steel and Lana left the battle, he finally had a chance to reveal what it was for. Turns out, it wasn’t meant to be a cock ring for Ron Jeremy. It was meant to be a planetary sized boom tube to allow a planetary sized monster through. I’m not sure what kind of monster this is. But it’s the size of a planet and it looks like a cross between a squid, a tarantula, and the Terminator. I think I’ll just skip the part where I guess and go right to shitting myself.

There were plenty of epic struggles in this issue. We had an alien invasion from Brainiac, a plot from Cyborg Superman, and Doomsday attempting to overwhelm Superman yet again. All these struggles were presented on a global scale that was richly detailed and gushing with awesome on so many levels. However, there were a few levels of awesome missing from the mix. One of the greatest strengths of the Superman Doomed arc has been its ability to inject sincere personal drama into a plot that involves spikey gray Hulk wannabe fighting the urge to sterilize all life from everywhere within a 200 mile radius. The personal struggle with Clark Kent trying to fight the influence of Doomsday along with Wonder Woman doing everything she can to help him in that struggle has made this event both compelling and epic.

However, that greatest strength might as well have been a watered down shot of light beer in this issue because it played only a minor role in the overall global struggle that emerged. Now it helps that this global struggle was very well-developed and very epic in its own right. However, that lack of dramatic impact is very noticeable. There’s not the same sense of emotional struggle that there was before, which makes the issue feel somewhat unbalanced. It’s not unbalanced to the point where it needs a high dose of lithium and shot of Valium to settle down, but it’s still noticeable enough for a drunk. I give the Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #1 a 7 out of 10. It has a lot of great shit going for it. It’s just not the same shit that made this event so compelling to begin with. I’m all for a diversity of awesome. But when it gets to a point where it can only be consumed while sober, I think that defeats the purpose in some respects. Nuff said!

Doomed Concept: Superman Doomed #1

The following is my review of Superman Doomed #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The best tools have multiple uses for multiple tasks. That's how some people can be dropped on a remote desert island with nothing but a pocket knife and some duct tape and survive in ways that would put Gilligan's Island to shame. But some tools are defined by their utterly singular use. A sledge hammer only has so many functions. Nobody can ever say a sledge hammer helped them craft an ice sculpture of the Virgin Mary. However, these tools are often designed with this singular use in mind. It's fairly reasonable to conclude that the inventor of tequila didn't call it a success because it tasted good. Like any drink only meant for getting drunk, certain characters are brewed for one desired outcome. Doomsday is basically the sledge hammer/tequila of the DC Universe, which makes an event surrounding him conceptually questionable.

Doomsday as a character has only one use: to kill Superman. It has succeeded before to an extent. This was the creature that killed Superman in the now iconic Death of Superman arc, a story that might or might not have been nullified by the New 52 reboot. It has already shown up before in Superman/Wonder Woman, albeit briefly. Now an entire event is being built around Superman battling Doomsday. The main selling point is that unlike 99 percent of Superman's enemies, this one is as strong as him and fully capable of killing him. That means that those who complain that Superman is too powerful will have little to complain about in Superman Doomed #1, the first issue in a crossover story that will consume every Superman comic.

This story effectively builds on Doomsday's earlier appearances. Before, this mindless creature was like Stan Lee in the Marvel movies, popping up every now and then and not having much of an impact. Now the creature has stopped biding its time and begins making its presence known, which for Doomsday involves the kind of wholesale slaughter usually found only in Rambo movie. Superman, obviously not a Rambo fan, takes it upon himself to stop Doomsday. He gets help from everyone he can, including Lex Luthor. That alone demonstrates the power of this creature. It's dangerous enough for Superman to actually agree with Lex Luthor.

But this issue doesn't just involve Superman looking for ways to battle Doomsday. This battle unfolds in the midst of another conflict that involves everyone in Smallville falling into a coma. This is how Lois Lane and Lana Lang get involved, adding some personal stakes to what could have otherwise just been a glorified street brawl between overpowered characters. However, the link between this story and Doomsday is poorly defined. The lack of connections make it an aside of sorts. The same thing happens with Steel, who briefly gets to have a shot at Doomsday. But he might as well be a warm-up battle because little comes of it. So while there is an effort made to make this story about more than a mindless beast capable of killing Superman, those efforts lack refinement. It's like a computer with no WiFi in that its function is limited.

In the end, it still turns into a story that's mostly about Superman battling Doomsday and therein lies the flaw in the concept. This is pretty much the only way for the story to go. It's like a destination that has only one road leading to it. The story has to unfold this way. As a concept, it's inherently predictable. As a theme, it's exceedingly narrow. However, an effort is still made to ensure Superman Doomed #1 doesn't become just another Death of Superman knock-off. While most of the story does involve Superman fighting Doomsday, the end result opens the door to paving a different path that helps make it at least somewhat less predictable.

There's no question that when Superman is focused on a single task, he's more than powerful enough to see it through. This is someone who has moved planets, traveled through time, and managed to befriend Batman. So when he takes on Doomsday, he doesn't hold back. But in doing so, he finds out the hard way that he's fighting something he doesn't fully understand. This is yet another instance where Superman could learn a thing or two from Batman because by focusing on stopping Doomsday from hurting anyone else, Superman sets into motion the most menacing threat from the creature. He essentially sets the stage to become Doomsday himself. That's something Batman would've figured out, albeit at the last possible moment. But in the end, it's too late.

So even though the battle between Superman and Doomsday doesn't turn into a ripoff of Rocky IV, it's still somewhat predictable. Superman tries to defeat Doomsday, but by using only his fists, he incurs some unexpected damage. It might be an epic, visually stunning battle, but it's only the first round. And few fights that don't involve Mike Tyson or Muhammed Ali in their prime end in the first round. Future rounds promise to take on a very different form, which involves Superman fighting himself even harder than he fought Doomsday. And that's another concept that is inherently flawed on many respects because if the only way to stop Doomsday is to become him, then that just reinforces the character's primary purpose of challenging Superman.

Flawed concept or not, the execution of the story is still solid and the conflict it creates is set to expand into every Superman title. The connections to this story are still not in place, but the scale of the conflict has been effectively set. Superman Doomed #1 manages to set itself apart from a typical Superman-battles-a-killer-monster narrative. It creates a conflict that is both daunting and personal for Superman and one that will rely as heavily on his supporting cast as it will on his strength. While the concept may be akin to a very simple tool with a singular use, this doesn't make that tool any less effective.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Super Anger Management: Action Comics #30

The following is my review of Action Comics #30, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Good anger management skills are vital in certain fields. Regardless of whether someone has superpowers, the impact of poor anger management skills is the same. Nobody makes rational decisions when they're angry. In an angry mind, every mental resource is dedicated to putting the perceived source of that anger into horrible pain. Sometimes it's a telemarketer, sometimes it's a traffic jam, and sometimes it's just some random person who says the wrong thing at the wrong time. This is why people who work in fields like technical support, nursing, and sales have to have good anger management skills. It's also why people who play contact sports can get away with having only mediocre anger management skills. But for Superman, he has to have the best. Since he has the power to throw the Earth into the sun if he has a bad enough day, he has to know how to control his anger.

This ability for a powerful being to control his temper is the main challenge Superman faces in Action Comics #30. For the past few issues, someone has been attacking him on multiple fronts with ghost soldiers. It's not the strangest way someone has attacked Superman, but it is definitely more effective than most. What better way to attack a man who can kill pretty much anything in any number of ways than to attack him with soldiers that are already dead? These ghost soldiers have attacked Wonder Woman, slaughtered innocent creatures from Subterranea, and put Lana Lang in the crossfire. Just one of those acts would be enough to upset Superman. But doing them all at once is like annoying someone the day after their dog got run over. It's too much, even for the Man of Steel.

As frustrating as these attacks may be, they are consistent with the most daunting challenges that Superman faces. There are very few threats in the DC Universe that threaten Superman physically. Aside from Doomsday, General Zod, and Darkseid, he can usually punch his way through most major threats. The biggest danger he faces is losing control of his power or having someone else control him. This is what happened during the events of Trinity War. Superman let himself be controlled to a point where he took a life. But controlling Superman's mind is a task that few have the means to attempt and even fewer have the means to succeed. For most people, it would be like a caveman attempting to hack the NSA. That's why making Superman angry is a much easier way to make him lose control. And it requires no powerful psychic so anyone who is sufficiently annoying or foolish can do this.

The fool in this instance is Harrow. She commands The Tower, which has been coordinating the attacks on Superman. She also has the most effective non-robot army it's possible to have. She raises the dead and uses them to do their bidding. And since they're already dead, they provide a challenge that Superman can't solve with punching or heat vision. That and they're not subject to labor laws either.

By all accounts, she has the perfect army and she uses it to frustrate Superman in ways that would test anyone's anger management skills. Even with all his power and his ideals, Superman still has the capacity to get pissed off. And that's what gives his struggle in this story meaning. In the same way it's difficult to find credible threats for Superman, it's just as difficult to find threats that push him to crossing those lines that he cannot cross. These are lines that characters like Batman, Wolverine, Green Lantern, and Iron man probably cross while sleepwalking. But Superman can't cross those lines because he's supposed to be that ideal that everyone is supposed to strive for. And that ideal shouldn't have anger management issues.

Harrow pushes Superman's anger management skills to the edge. It's painfully obvious that Superman wants to just solve this problem with a few punches and some heat vision. That's probably how most people would solve such a frustrating problem if they had Superman's power. But he manages to keep himself from crossing that line. He constantly muses on the value of taking a deep breath and counting to ten. It's one of the most basic anger management skills anyone can learn. Most teenagers learn it when they find out that hormones are a potent fuel for irrational anger. Yet it ends up working for Superman so it must have some merit.

It should mark another victory for Superman. He is able to avoid crossing that line. He can continue to be that ideal that he's supposed to be. However, Harrow turns this around on him completely and she does so in a way that's far more reasonable than anything Lex Luthor has attempted. She essentially uses his victory over her dead army to prove that Superman is more a threat to the world than anything she or his enemies can ever conjure. It may sound like the desperate musings of a defeated villain, but it's not entirely wrong.

By being an ideal and not crossing certain lines, Superman prevents himself from making difficult decisions at times. And no decision is more difficult than one that involves taking a life to save others. It's a decision that police officers, doctors, and soldiers have to make on a daily basis and they don't have the luxury of being more powerful than a locomotive. It's easy for anyone to ask who has the right to determine whether someone lives or dies. But in Superman's case, he has the power to end a threat before it hurts others. Harrow points out that he could have ended her and her attacks by simply making those hard decisions and living with the consequences. He chose not to. His actions might be ideal on paper, but in practice he basically left a festering wound untreated. He might be able to handle those wounds, but others might not.

This powerful message gives the impression that Superman lost the battle in Action Comics #30. Harrow made her point and while The Tower was destroyed, she proved to Superman that he could have avoided all these infuriating frustrations easily. But he chose not to and only made it worse. It provides a sobering message for Superman and one he'll have to consider when facing threats like Zod and Doomsday. This issue is billed as a prelude to the upcoming Doom crossover event and in many respects, it provides the perfect context for the challenge that Superman faces. But that's part of what makes him Superman.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Worlds Apart - Superman Meets Jean Grey In A Special (Sexy) Way

In addition to writing X-men Supreme, novels like Skin Deep, and reviewing comics, I actually do find time for other little side-projects. I honestly don't know where I find the time either, but some ideas are just too much to keep inside. Ever since DC's New 52 relaunch, I've contemplated a possible Marvel/DC crossover. I know I'm not alone either. There was a time when Marvel and DC actually did share their awesome and create epic crossover events. Lawyers have long since put the kibosh on that, but this hasn't stopped fan fiction writers from carrying on the legacy. Some are even pretty damn awesome. A very good friend of mine named The Writer With No Name has written some pretty epic stuff with his Last Son saga. He set the bar so damn high that I honestly don't see how I could ever match it, but that won't stop me from trying.

So I came up with this little idea to just test the waters of a Marvel/DC crossover. It's nothing too epic. It's basically just me trying a little something different to see if it has the potential to be awesome. It involves two awesome characters, Superman and Jean Grey, and brings them together in a very special (and sexy) way. It's just a simple one-shot. But if enough people like it, I'll try to turn it into something more awesome. Enjoy!

Worlds Apart

Idealism Becomes Compelling: "Action Comics #23"

The following is my review of Action Comics #23, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Characters that resonate with a wide audience create the most compelling stories. And more often than not, characters resonate when the audience can relate to them. People look at characters like Batman or Peter Parker and see someone who is human and flawed yet they are able to accomplish amazing feats. However, this creates a challenge for someone like Superman, who is not human and whose feats are practically god-like in their scale and impact. No matter how much Superman resonates with an audience, nobody will ever know what it feels like to fly at the speed of light, move a planet with sheer muscle, or survive being Wonder Woman’s lover.

Yet Superman still resonates with audiences because unlike Batman and Peter Parker, he represents an ideal. He personifies all that is good, moral, and just. That ideal is more powerful than any human in the same way that Superman is more powerful than any human. And upholding that ideal can make stories about Superman seem more like a morality tale than a compelling narrative. But Action #23 manages to create a narrative that shows that upholding that ideal can still be a compelling story. It also shows that as easy as it is to relate to certain less-powerful characters, there’s not much they can do when an alien monster shows up to devour the Earth. Let’s face it, Batman doesn’t have anything in his utility belt for a threat like that.

This is the threat that Superman has to face in Action #23. It’s called Lexus and instead of a luxury car, it’s a planet-sized cross between a monster truck and a demon. And the knights of Pax Galactica have been fighting this creature for 23 years. Its origins are basic, but the details are important to the story. Lexus was forged from the disembodied heart of Queen Lourdes’s brother, who apparently had an evil in his heart strong enough to forge a terrifying body out of the disembodied planets he destroyed. Essentially, he’s evil on a level that makes it so nobody will complain about Superman having to kill him so critics of Superman: Man of Steel can rest easy.

While Lexus as a threat may be somewhat basic, it serves an important role in the scope of the story. This is a threat of pure, uncompromising evil. In the same way Superman represents the pure idealism of all that is good, a creature like Lexus represents the exact opposite. Normal humans and less than upstanding heroes can’t comprehend evil on that scale in the same way they can’t comprehend Superman’s ability to be good. At the same time, nobody except someone who is as powerful and as good as Superman has the ability to take on someone like Lexus while also dealing with Queen Lourdes’s knights of Pax Galactia. Because in the same way it’s challenging for mature adults to deal with immature children, it’s difficult for someone as good as Superman to deal with creatures this arrogant.

Before Lexus even arrives, Superman clashes with the knights of Pax Galactica. They treat him the same way the the weakest kid is treated in a game of dodgeball. But as soon as Lexus arrives, the game stops and the battle begins. And Superman, understanding that any frustration or anger he feels towards these creatures won’t help, looks past their juvenile behavior so that they can battle Lexus. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to overlook such petty misgivings. But in the real world, people hold grudges. In the real world, something as trivial as being cut off in the freeway is enough for someone to be seething with rage for a two-hour drive. But Superman doesn’t have that kind of time. He overlooks it and focuses on a more important task, namely saving the world.

And his ability to succeed where Queen Lourdes’s knights have failed says something else about Superman’s persona. Since he tries to fight with a level head that is clear of arrogance, he is able to surmise the weakness of the Lexus. The details of its origin are key in that it allows him to devise a strategy to end the creature once and for all. It’s a strategy that Queen Lourdes, her knights, and no being without god-like powers could carry out. But because Superman is Superman, he is able to to do so and destroys the Lexus by destroying its heart.

It’s not just an amazing display of power. It’s a perfect demonstration of how Superman isn’t just some overpowered demigod. He’s as powerful as he needs to be to do the right thing. Using more power might be easier, but it wouldn’t be just. He demonstrates this in another way that’s almost as dramatic as destroying a planet-sized robot demon. After seeing such a feat, Queen Lourdes and the knights of Pax Galactica swear their eternal allegiance to Superman. Now most people probably wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to have completely obedient superpowered slaves in the same way they wouldn’t tear up a winning lottery ticket. But that is exactly what Superman does. He didn’t destroy the Lexus to gain favor with Pax Galactica. He did it because it was the right thing to do.

That embodies the true core of Superman. Action #23 doesn’t really break new ground in Superman’s story or do anything too novel. It establishes a powerful threat that only Superman can stop and shows him stopping it while not cutting any corners along the way. There’s no shortcuts. There’s no cut-and-paste. Superman does things the right way and that’s all there is to it. That’s what makes Action #23 a satisfying Superman story. While less durable characters like Batman still has a place in modern mythology, there will always be room for living embodiments of an ideal like Superman.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Superman: Man of Steel TV Trailer

I know this is an X-men blog and I don't talk about DC Comics all that much, but like finely aged whiskey I have a special appreciation for the classics. And that includes Superman. In case you're brain damaged or joined cult that required you to live without electricity, the internet, and fun you already know that Superman: The Man of Steel is getting the Batman Begins treatment this summer. After finding out that audiences really didn't care for a Superman who knocks up a woman, leaves the planet, and returns only to ditch the kid, DC and Warner Brothers felt it best to just start from scratch. There's no kid. There's no underwear on the outside. And Perry White is black. It's all new for a new generation of hipsters raised on anti-heroes, badasses, and douche-bags. Will it work? Check out the new TV spot and be your own judge.

I think the answer to the question is pretty clear. The world is ready for Superman again. And if you're still among that jaded generation who won't accept a superhero that isn't an asshole, just know this. Superman is now banging Wonder Woman in addition to saving the world. What the fuck have you done with your life, fictional or otherwise, lately?

See this movie or she will hang you by your scrotum and beat you to death with her pinkie toe.

Justice League #12 - The Kiss That Shocked (and Aroused) The World

I know it's been a long time since I reviewed a DC comic on this blog. If you haven't killed as many brain cells as I have, you would remember that there was a time when I reviewed DC comics regularly on this blog. Hell, I reviewed the entire fucking Brightest Day series from beginning to end. There are a number of reasons why I had to stop reviewing DC comics, most of which involved having too little time and a shitty meth dealer who shall go nameless. But just because I haven't been reviewing too many DC comics doesn't mean I've stopped reading them. Hell, since the New 52 began, I've been reading more DC comics than I have since Brightest Day. I haven't had too many opportunities to review any of them, mostly because there's been so much crazy shit going on in Marvel involving cosmic parrots and red-haired, green eyed women NOT named Jean Grey. But then something came along that actually made national fucking news and I just couldn't hold my wad anymore.

A few weeks ago, I reported that DC leaked the ending of Justice League #12 by saying Superman and Wonder Woman would hook up. And this shit wasn't just big news for comics. This shit made national fucking headlines. Apparently, it's a big fucking deal with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time hooks up with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time in a way that's not some cheap gimmick. It's been pointed out by a number of major sources that the idea of Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies is not new. But most of the time, it turns out to be a ruse or part of some alternate universe. And in comics, alternate universes are basically glorified fanfiction minus the part where the writers don't get paid jack shit for all their work. When this shit happens in the main continuity, it tends to either royally fuck up the main series or take it in a bold new direction or a mixture of the two. Seeing as how Superman's penis has been exclusively reserved for Lois Lane since the fucking Great Depression, it is a big fucking deal when that relationship is essentially ditched so something new and potentially bonerific is introduced. As such, I'm prepared to end my long sabbatical on reviewing DC comics and post a full review of Justice League #12.

Now it would take me at least six blog posts to cover all the shit that has happened since the New 52 began. I only reviewed some of the early issues and a lot has happened since then to say the very least. So for the sake of the assholes who claim I'm not attentive to detail, here's a quick rundown of what's been going on in Justice League. The first arc was basically a prelude, a look back five years into the past when superheroes were still a novel concept and before anyone thought Apple could make a decent smart phone. The next arc and the one that's culminating in Justice League #12 depicts the fucked up logistics of having a superhero team in the world of youtube, TMZ, and a Congress with a lower approval rating than Todd Akin's support with women voters. The early issues shows how this has royally fucked up the life of Colonel Steve Trevor, who historically has been Wonder Woman's closest parallel to what Lois Lane is to Superman. While Trevor does come off as a douche at times, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy because he flat out told Wonder Woman he was in love with her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fuck, and I just thought men only loved certain parts of a woman." Okay, so maybe she was nicer about it, but you get the idea.

The point of the Steve Trevor story is that he's basically the public whipping boy for the Justice League. He's like Lindsey Lohan's publicist, having to do the impossible and give the impression that it's okay to trust the League implicitly with protecting the world without any kind of governmental oversight. He might as well be tasked with convincing the entire Catholic Church that God wants them to jerk off to gay porn for six hours a day. Well in addition to having this impossible job, Steve Trevor also makes himself a target by being the official PR guy for the League. But not to your typical bad guys like Lex Luthor, Braniac, or the Christian Coalition.

The second arc of Justice League deals with a villain that's a bit more devious and a bit more fucked up than your typical bad guy. He actually showed up in the first arc. Back then, he was just David Graves. After the Justice League took on Darkseid, he wrote a book that sold better than 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter combined that basically made the Justice League out to be modern day gods. You would think this guy would be the last person to fall in with a bad crowd and you would also have to believe that good people don't routinely get screwed over in both comics and the real world. If you sincerely believe that, stop taking whatever pills you are taking and see a neurosurgeon right away.

The past few issues of Justice League have shown how David Graves has not only lost his mind, but basically been fucked over worse than the guy who invested all his money in Facebook stock. His wife and children were overcome with a mysterious illness that killed them all. Then he got sick and was on the verge of dying as well. And in his twisted mind of illness and agony (and probably some kickass prescription drugs, he blamed the Justice League for his suffering). So he hatched this elaborate scheme that may or may not be a side-effect of said drugs to go to this mystical place called Mount Sumeru where the souls of the dead allegedly wait to be judged before entering the afterlife. It's basically what the Catholic Church thinks happens when you die, minus the part where Jesus drop kicks gays into Hell. From there, he somehow managed to tap into the power of this mystical place to become this walking death cult. He used his power to kidnap Steve Trevor and torture him so he could get to the Justice League and lure them to Mount Sumeru. It actually worked remarkably well, once again vindicating Dick Cheney's justifications for torture.

Justice League #12 doesn't start off with Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies, but mainly continues this story with David Graves as the League confronts his newfound death-loving powers. Now at Mount Sumeru, he's able to haunt them with ghostly images of their friends and loved ones. Superman sees his parents, Batman sees his parents, Green Lantern sees his father, and...okay, you can probably figure out the rest. And Wonder Woman sees Steve Trevor, who she promised to save but ends up being too late. So not only did she break his heart and his balls, but she got his ass killed. It creates the kind of psychological torture that the League is not equipped to handle and makes for a very spooky scene that allows Jim Lee to once again show why he's the comic book art equivalent of Pablo Picasso.

But Graves isn't just out to torment the Justice League with ghostly images of their loved ones. He actually tries to come off as sympathetic by saying he plans on destroying Mount Sumeru so that the spirits of the dead would be free to reunite with their relatives. It sounds noble on paper, even if Graves looks like something Freddy Kruger shat out on one of his victims. But it also leaves me wondering if that was his goal all along, then why the fuck get the Justice League involved? I get that he blames them for killing his family, but why invite them to party before the keg has been tapped? He's just asking for trouble. So while Geoff Johns and Jim Lee make an admirable effort to have Graves appear as sympathetic, he just comes off as a dumb ass.

As expected, Grave's piss poor planning comes back to bite him. While he appears to have the Justice League under his thumb, he conveniently forgets that he didn't torture Steve Trevor enough. He shows up in the fight looking like someone who just went 15 rounds with Mike Tysons and Muhammad Ali on meth armed with only a gun. And not some magic, ghost-killing gun. I'm talking the same gun Rick Perry probably keeps under his pillow. It seems less gutsy and more batshit insane. Graves just subdued the fucking Justice League. Yet Steve Trevor thinks he can take him on? He may not be worthy of Wonder Woman's pussy, but he's still worthy of plenty of respect.

The arrival of Steve Trevor does more than just throw off Graves and remind him why good villains are more thorough when it comes to torturing innocent people. It inspires the Justice League to fight back. They now know that these ghostly forms that appear to be their loved ones aren't real. In fact, they aren't even ghosts. They're called Petras, which are essentially the spiritual equivalent of tapeworms. They feed off the spirits of their victims in the same way Jerry Springer feeds off the tears of redneck transvestite strippers. That just means the Justice League won't have to deal with a touch of guilt in crushing them. Plus, it gives Wonder Woman a window with which to beat the shit out of Graves. Even though he's a misguided old man, you don't win any fucking sympathy from a woman scorned.

It's a quick, flashy fight. Almost too quick in some ways because Graves really is in no position to put up a fight. He's not fucking Lex Luthor or Darkseid. He's a sick old man for whom senility has kicked his ass. Even though Johns and Lee still try to make him come off as sympathetic as he begs the Justice League to kill him, you still don't feel too bad when the League just watches him squirm. And any sympathy you might have had for Graves pretty much goes out the window when Batman points out that he knew these ghostly parasites weren't his family. He just didn't want to believe it. And since Batman is the one saying it, he's got no hope of arguing. He might as well be OJ Simpson speaking out against spousal abuse. So in the end Graves wasn't misguided. He was just batshit insane. And I think the Justice League has enough of those in their rogue's gallery.

Later on after the League gets tired of watching an old man whine like a little bitch, Wonder Woman catches up with Steve Trevor in the hospital. It's a tense moment, but one the readers were probably expecting after seeing the cover. In order for Wonder Woman to swap spit with Superman, she needs to set aside Steve Trevor. She tries to play up the Peter Parker angle, which became defunct after One More Day. She says just knowing her led to his torture and she just can't have that. She can't have a guy close to her who is so fragile that the muscles in her pinkie toe could sever his spine. And she's pretty cold about it too, saying she doesn't want him to be the League's liaison anymore. So not only is she dumping his ass for a second time. She's firing him as well. Even Ann Coulter would raise an eyebrow at this point.

But she doesn't come off as entirely cold. Wonder Woman makes it clear that she still cares about Steve and doesn't want him to get hurt. He then points out that he's a soldier. Getting hurt is part of the job description and he was putting his ass on the line long before he was checking out hers. In the end he's the one that tells her off, saying she can go ahead with finding a new liaison. But she's running scared in a way that isn't very warrior-like. So even though he's wounded, he sounds like the one with the balls. And against Wonder Woman, that's saying something.

Without Steve Trevor or some pretty face to keep Congress and the UN off their backs, the Justice League is stuck doing damage control on their own. If that weren't tedious enough, Batman points out that they may have actually been responsible for what happened to Grave's family. So in some respects he wasn't completely insane in claiming that the League screwed him over. Granted, it was a result of him being too close to Darkseid's omega beam, but I guess it's just easier to torment the Justice League than it is Darkseid. But in the course of this battle, the League is hit with some rather lousy press due to footage of them fighting leaking out into the media. And in the era of youtube and Fox News, even heroes/gods get belittled by the Glenn Becks of the world. They're forced to conclude that they need to get their shit together and without Steve Trevor. Green Lantern decides to use a temporary fix by having him take the fall for the fight and quit the league. It's like solving a stubbed toe by cutting it off. It's a bit excessive, but when you're dealing with government and media there's no such thing as subtle.

Now the stage is finally set for the big moment. Wonder Woman has left Steve Trevor at the hospital upset, demoralized, and saddened. So she skips the meeting with the rest of the Justice League and sets up shop on top of the Lincoln Memorial. Superman, who probably doesn't care to see Batman explain how fucked the League is either, catches up with her and tries to cheer her up. It doesn't sound like he intends to swap some bodily fluids, but it's clear they're both quite vulnerable. Wonder Woman talks about how confusing relationships are. It's easy to forget that she comes from an island of warrior women for whom men are either target practice or sperm factories. She doesn't know the first thing about how a man and a woman can get along. I'm pretty sure nobody in the history of the world has ever been able to understand that shit, but given where she came from her confusion is understandable.

Superman tries to be Superman and say all the right things. He points out that relationships are even more complicated since they aren't even close to being normal. He's an alien from another world. She's a woman from a mystical island of warrior women. They really don't have anyone in the world to relate to. There's no dating sight for people like them. Even though Superman has an alternate ego in Clark Kent, that ego is essentially a mask. In the New 52, nobody knows Clark Kent is Superman. Both his parents are dead. His relationship with Lois has been One More Dayed. He's alone in the same way Wonder Woman is alone. She's Zeus's daughter and her own sisters consider her an abomination. That and her mother fucking lied to her for most of her life. She's got nobody to turn to. So when they each establish how alone they are, what happens next is neither surprising nor unfitting.

It happens. Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. For once, the cover was not a bullshit ruse. DC is basically telling Marvel here to take all their phony Jean Grey covers and fuck off. Because in this moment where Superman and Wonder Woman come together, it doesn't feel like a gimmick or just something for fanfiction writers to turn into porn. These two characters are very alone in the New 52. They have nobody they can get close to. They have nobody they can share all their intimate secrets with. They already work together and trust each other in the Justice League. It may not be the best set of circumstances under which to hook up, but they definitely work. They work in ways that'll bring a tear to your eye while making your dick or clit hard as a slab of granite. For everything DC has done in the build-up to this moment with all the news coverage and what not, it still makes for an immensely satisfying scene.

I'll give fanboys and fanfiction writes a moment to contemplate how they can turn the previous scene into something they can jerk off to. It would have been a nice way for the issue to end, but it would have also been too fucking sappy. This is a Justice League comic in the post New 52 eras. It's not a massage parlor in Bankok where a happy ending is expected. There always has to be room for some more to stench up the story down the line and this issue is no exception. The final scene revisits Graves in a prison, who is still sick and dying and understandably pissed at the Justice League. So it's a given that someone like Amanda Waller will come along and ask him to write another book. She already gives him a title, "How to Destroy the Justice League." Speaking as someone who has been motivated to write some pretty fucked up shit in the past, I can say that when you're sick and pissed off you're not going to hold back. And with Graves, it's a given that there will be a lot less dick and boob jokes.

Whenever a comic promises to get everybody talking, it's normal for readers to roll their eyes and give it no more credence than those annoying male enhancement commercials. You wish it were true, but assume it's largely bullshit because more often than not it is. Well this time, it's not bullshit. This comic may not make your dick a foot long, but it delivers when it claims it'll get people talking. Getting mentioned by major news outlets and fucking Good Morning America definitely qualifies. It doesn't just show Superman and Wonder Woman sharing a friendly smooch at a vulnerable moment. It actually establishes that these two can and will have an actual relationship in DC's New 52 universe.

This opens the floodgates to all sorts of stories, 2/3rds of which involve the kind of damage these two could do if they start experimenting with thrill sex. Granted, Johns and Lee didn't drop a whole lot of hints regarding these two early on in the arc. However, the possibility was there. And the way it came together in this issue made it so there didn't need to be the kind of playful flirting that Hugh Grant made boring in every romantic comedy ever made. It may not be the best circumstances for a relationship. Hell, it probably would make for a better one-night stand or summer fling when you get right down to it, but the potential is still there. And fuck if the possibilities don't make my dick harder than a jackhammer in a diamond mine.

Now as for the comic as a whole, there is more at work than just Superman and Wonder Woman kissing if you can believe that. It did effectively end the arc with Graves and it moved the story forward with the Justice League, making it so they're now vulnerable in a way that's not going to work to their advantage to say the least. The world no longer thinks they're gods worthy of the same loyalty that Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber enjoy. They've also pissed off someone who was once a close ally in Steve Trevor, who has both the means and the motivation to fuck with them in the near future. The story, aside from inspiring fanfiction writers to do superpowered sex scenes, establishes an uncertain environment for the Justice League that promises to lead to some increasingly volatile conflicts at the very least.

If there is a flaw in this development, it's that it seems to be somewhat underplayed and not just because of the Superman/Wonder Woman kiss. Johns seemed to make too much of an effort to make Graves come off as sympathetic. And the whole battle between the League and these ghostly illusions of their loved ones didn't have the kind of epic feel that it should have. You never got the sense that the League was really tormented by these visions. When it was over, they basically shrugged it off. Only Wonder Woman seemed to be really effected. But in the end, the point of the story wasn't the battle. It was the consequences of the battle. It may not be as action packed as a battle against Darkseid, but it's still pretty damn awesome. For that, I give Justice League #12 a 4 out of 5.

It feels good to review a DC comic again and it feels good to see DC taking a chance with Superman and Wonder Woman. I've made my opinion on the relationship pretty clear and I pray to Odin that DC doesn't screw it up. These are two of the most iconic heroes in the history of comics. To screw them up at this point is to shit on the hearts of several generations of comic fans. Best of luck to you, DC! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a box of Kleenexes and a bottle of lube with my name on it. Nuff said!

Superman #707 - Ambiguous Awesome

Well I've been sick for nearly four days now and you know what that means! I have an excuse to get high out of my mind on cough meds, lay in bed all day, and read comics. I honestly don't remember much of the last few days, but when I woke up naked in my bath tub with some strange tattoo of a phone number on my ass I there was one particular comic I had in my grasp. It was Superman #707. I know it's been a while since I reviewed an issue of Superman. Blame Marvel. They've been churning out so many X-men books it's been hard to find time to review others. That doesn't mean my love for Superman has waned. The Grounded arc that has had Superman taking a casual stroll across the country Forest Gump style (minus the retardation) continues to tell some painfully down-to-Earth yet remarkably relevant stories.

For anyone who had been following DC comics the past few years, they're probably still dizzy as fuck from all the big events that have come within another Linsey Lohan drug arrest of destroying the universe. Between Final Crisis, Blackest Night, War of the Supermen, and the return of Bruce Wayne it's been like successive rounds of C4 being detonated from within your skull. There's only so much brain matter that survives so when a story like Grounded comes along, it takes a while to put the bits of brain back together in just the right order so you can appreciate it. It may not work for those who have become the equivalent of DC meth heads who need shot after shot of universe-ending Michael Bay style destruction. But for those who appreciate a damn find story, Grounded has been a case study in what makes Superman the most iconic comic character ever.

So far Superman has walked through run downed cities and the small town places that Sarah Palin loves to campaign in. Yet wherever he goes, he finds time to save a few lives. This issue has him starting off in Des Moines Iowa, a part of the country so white that a visit from President Obama completely fucks up the entire demographic stats. There's nothing too remarkable about his feats. He stops a bank robbery, stops a freight train, and catches a helicopter. It's the equivalent of my grandpa's old routine of waking up, getting his coffee, and scratching himself in just the right way that it ruins my appetite for the morning. It doesn't sound too grounded, but then he shows he's still somewhat ordinary by calling his wife on a cell phone. He doesn't use some high-tech communication gizmo that projects a hologram out of his ass. He uses a regular, as-seen-on-Monday-Night-Football-commercials cell phone. Even Lois points out that he could use something a bit more sophisticated, but Superman makes a point to show people that he's still human on some levels and you can't get more human than listening to your wife nag you over the phone.

Naturally, the whole "grounded" concept of walking through the streets of America goes out the window the moment Superman hears that Lois is in danger. Like Sarah Palin, she attracts craziness and all it's influences wherever she goes. This time it comes in the form of an exploding chemical plant. Because in the world of comic books, what could be more evil than a chemical plant that makes all those toxic chemicals that make modern life so wonderful? Superman does his job and doesn't do it the everyman way either. He uses flight, strength, and X-ray vision to assess the problem. There's only so down-to-Earth a guy can be and still be a kick-ass superhero and this is one case where pragmatics overshadow principles.

The damage is about what you would expect of an exploding chemical plant in a comic book. That is to say it makes BP look an ethical golden boy. Superman gets the workers to safety as he's so good at doing. It's hard to surmise how in one page he can get what must be hundreds if not thousands of workers out of a structure that just exploded, but then again he's fucking Superman. Still, there's only so much you can leave to the imagination before even the elf on your shoulder starts crying bullshit. It actually makes the whole using-his-super-speed-to-create-a-whirlwind-of-water-from-a-conveniently-located-stream act a lot more believable.

He doesn't stop there either. See this is one of those instances of the little things in a comic. Traditionally, writers who don't give enough of a damn get lazy and just blow through one scene the same way Madonna used to blow through the NBA All-Star game. They don't pay attention to the finer details that turns a boring scene into something awesome.

Now J. Michael Straczynski could have easily stopped at putting out the fire, but he didn't. He must have watched a few of those 9/11 truther videos because Superman mentions how the fires weakened the metal structure. So to prevent a bunch of far left crazies from claiming it was a government sponsored demolition he flies off and 'borrows' some steel bars from a passing truck. Now before you think 'borrows' means steal, Superman does mention that he'll check to make sure the insurance company covers the cost of the bars he uses. So he really is 'borrowing' and enriching an insurance company. So everybody wins (except for maybe the truck driver, but fuck that guy). And he puts these bars to good use too, using them to strengthen the structure and prevent it from collapsing. Thus rendering him an accomplice to more 9/11 truthers as complacent in a conspiracy just like everything else in the world. Sorry Superman, but you just can't win with some people.

So the toxic chemical plant is saved and the profits of a soulless chemical company are safe. Shareholders rejoice! Well it doesn't take THAT much of a left wing message. Okay actually, this is a comic that's read by young kids who still have the hippie parts of their brain active so of course there will be some tree hugging bullshit. It's not unreasonable either. Remember Lois and how she just happened to be near the plant when it exploded? Well it isn't because she ran over a stampede of black cats while shooting mirrors from under a ladder with a shotgun that has 666 etched in the stock. She was doing an investigative piece on how this plant was fucking up the environment by ignoring the basic safety procedures that most kids learn from their parents when they get smacked for not doing the dishes. It's got everything the people at Greenpeace probably masterbate to: bribery, corporate greed, and environmental destruction.

Superman does what any reporter who happens to be a superhero in a comic would do. He checks his facts (as opposed to filling in the blanks with bullshit as 98 percent of most mainstream news does in real life). He confirms in a second what probably would have taken years to test. The plant has been polluting the water like an army of bears with diarrhea taking a bath in a pond. Now if George Soros had his way, the comic would end here. But Glenn Beck must have bought stock in DC comics because it gets a little more complicated.

While the plant may be shitty, the workers make an impassioned plea to Superman. As it turns out, this evil chemical plant is actually doing some good besides making the toxic shit that we modern folk love to consume. It's the only major employer in the area. Despite the toxic shit, it's a good place to work that pays well and allows men to support their families. So all you ultra-liberal types better look away because hearing this side of the argument tends to make you as uncomfortable as Justin Bieber in the Vatican.

This puts Superman in the most uncomfortable position he could possibly be in...moral ambiguity. This is a shot to the scrotum because Superman doesn't deal with moral ambiguity. That's more like Batman's deal. In fact, Batman could probably sue Superman for half the Fortress of Solitude (and possibly win with his high-paid legal team) for his flirtation with moral ambiguity. But for once Superman does not have a black or white decision to make. It's not as simple as beating the shit out of Lex Luthor or throwing Darkseid into the sun. He either has to shut down a plan to protect the environment or save the plant to protect the people. It's an unfamiliar position for a guy who really isn't put in this position very often.

He ends up with a somewhat hallow compromise. He makes the guys at the plant promise to do a better job of cleaning up and in return he won't use his Superman level influence to shut it down. That's like telling bankers that they can still make shitty loans that screw people over so long as they don't screw people too badly. To be fair Superman does mention he'll come by and check and he's not nearly as easy to bribe as your local bureaucrat. So we might be able to assume the plant will be more inclined to shape up, at least a hell of a lot more of Superman was an EPA agent.

This is great for the plant, the workers, and greed-based capitalism. However, Lois is pissed. As most readers already know, Lois is a rare mutant freak among the reporter population in that she has no tolerance for glossing over the truth. Even if the truth sucks, she's going to report it. So Superman has to do something no man, not even the most powerful hero on the planet, it strong enough to do. He tells his wife to stand down. That's not a result of the cough medicine fucking me up. Superman actually tells Lois Lane that she can't run a story.

Take a few minutes for that to sink in because it's quite possibly the most uncomfortable thing a man who wears his underwear on the outside can possibly do. It's a new twist on the whole "Grounded" theme. The world from above may seem like a pretty cut and dry piece from some kids Ipad. But when you get down to the finer details, it's not so black and white. Superman wants to do good, but that's not as easy as rescuing a kitty from a tree. In order to save an entire community, he has to tell his wife not to run a story. Feminists may start protesting outside of DC comics when they read this book because Lois actually listens. I know, in pretty much every other sitcom or popular TV show the man would be the one to act like a pussy. But this time, Lois caves in and is not too happy about it. So while he does manage to save the plant and the livelihood of an entire community, his wife is now very upset with him and I imagine his penis is just as pissed (figuratively speaking).

It make for a pretty mixed ending. Does Superman save the day this time? If so it comes at the cost of his wife's scorn. For many men that's a hell of a cost. So as he gets back to his walk across America, he tries calling Lois. As expected, he gets her voice mail. That's universal woman's code for "I don't want to talk to you, asshole." It would have made for a real downer of an ending. But just as Superman is questioning the whole black and white aspect of morality, he's confronted with what is either a vision from the future or a the result of inhaling some really awesome chemicals at that plant. A bunch of Superman-dressed teenagers and a kid just appear right in front of him and say they can answer his questions. They call themselves the Superman squad. Again, this isn't me overdosing from cough syrup (although I did suspect it the first time I read this book). It's really random and doesn't really fit with anything that's happened with Grounded thus far, but it happens. I'm not sure what to make of it. I may need to down some extra doses of Nyquil to figure it out between now and when the next issue comes out.

So yeah, it's a somewhat cuckoo ending and one that sort of distracts from the theme of moral ambiguity. Without that last page, this is a pretty insightful book from a series that's known for being about as insightful as a Rocky Balboa movie. For the first time in quite a while Superman has to wrestle with the moral ambiguity of being a hero. He sees a wrong in the world, but by correcting that wrong it only does more wrong. So he has to compromise and when it comes to what's right and wrong, Superman doesn't compromise. Well this time he had to make a decision and it forced him to confront his wife in a very unpleasant way. It may be a commentary on marriage as well in that even when you make a whole community happy, if you piss off your wife you might as well stick your dick in a toaster. It plays up Superman's humanity and for a guy that really isn't human, that goes a long way.

There's still the matter of that last page that sort of disrupts the vibe of this issue. Superman is left wrestling with this whole moral ambiguity concept and out of nowhere a bunch of Superpeople appear and claim to have the answers? Even in comics, you have to be somewhat high for that to be believable. There's also some of the little things like saving every worker in that plant when it fucking exploded. It's one of those little things that the Grounded arc has been good about covering until now. It's not so egregious that it makes you want to write an angry letter to the editor and cite articles of Scientific America and Wikipedia to point out all the bullshit. But it does prevent the comic from matching the awesome of previous issues.

With the previous issues in mind, Superman #707 is still pretty damn awesome. It's as pure a Superman story as you can get without putting on a costume and flying to Richard Donner's old house and shooting your own series of youtube videos. It shows conflict and strife in Superman's life without having to blow up the whole freakin' DC universe. Some of the little things and the ending are a little sketchy though. That's why for this issue I give it a 4 out of 5. Superman is still a hero of heroes and when he's confronted with moral ambiguity, it really does make for great story. It's part of what has made the Grounded arc so enjoyable and for anybody who appreciates this extra layer to a comic, then it's a great time to be a Superman fan. Nuff said!