Showing posts with label comic books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comic books. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The Problem With Inhumans vs. X-men (via ComicsVerse)

The following is an article I wrote for ComicsVerse. Just thought I'd share it here. Enjoy!


Did you hear? Marvel is pitching another hero-versus-hero event for this winter. Again.

We shouldn’t be too surprised. Ever since 2005, when the first CIVIL WAR sold like tacos at a Deadpool convention, this has been the go-to story for big Marvel events. It’s not enough to see Captain America punch the Red Skull in the jaw anymore. We need to see him knock Tony Stark’s teeth out. It may be overplayed, but it sells and we can’t blame Marvel for giving the people what they want.

There’s just one big problem with this upcoming event: It involves the X-Men and the Inhumans. On paper, this looks like a diet version of AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, but people still drink Diet Coke and tolerate the taste. If it can pit another couple of superhero teams together and get the message boards going, then why wouldn’t it be a good idea? It’s working with CIVIL WAR II. So, what’s the problem?


To illustrate this issue, here’s a little thought experiment. Go back and watch the first BACK TO THE FUTURE movie. Specifically, watch the scene in the diner where Marty McFly has to fight off Biff Tanner. Now, imagine for a second that Biff Tanner is given a shot of steroids, a fully-loaded AK-47, and an unlimited supply of crystal meth. That should give you a good idea of the problem with an X-Men vs. Inhumans conflict.

To their credit, Marvel is making a concerted effort to set up this clash. Since the nebulous eight-month gap that followed SECRET WARS and the excessive flexibility it allows, they’ve set up a status quo where mutants have been sterilized yet again after having just solved their last sterilization plot three years ago. This time, they have the Inhumans to thank for this. It turns out that the big green cloud that turns people into Inhumans also poisons mutants.

For some reason, Cyclops has a problem with this. Given how the solution to the last sterilization crisis landed him in jail, who can blame him? Naturally, he fights the Inhumans in an off-panel conflict and somehow screws up so badly that mutants are more hated than head lice, cockroaches, and the IRS combined.

The Inhumans, on the other hand, are celebrated and subject to zero Sentinel attacks, despite having their base near a heavily populated area. By all accounts, the X-Men have a long list of reasons to go to war with the Inhumans. At the top of the list: the fact that their sacred cloud is roaming the Earth, killing and sterilizing mutants everywhere, and they aren’t doing much about it. The only surprise is that it took this long for Marvel to make an event of it.

Despite these efforts, the problem remains. There’s a fundamental difference between mutants and Inhumans from a conceptual standpoint. Those differences make it impossible, if not downright asinine, for this to be a balanced conflict. It goes back to what mutants stand for. They are, and always have been, a metaphor for minority struggles. They came about in the early 1960s, just as the Civil Rights Movement was taking hold in America. They embody the traits of the marginalized, the denigrated, and the persecuted.

That’s still a powerful message today. There are outgroups and outcasts in every era. They didn’t ask to be born in their current condition. This is just the hand they were dealt. In the same way that we can’t change the color of our skin or the gender we’re attracted to, mutants and minorities like them can’t change what they are.

Compare that to the Inhumans. They are, by their own admission, not a product of nature or evolution. They’re a product of alien science experiments. That alone doesn’t set them apart too much. However, like the disclaimer in every pharmaceutical ad, it’s the fine print that makes the details so frustrating. From a mutant perspective, and a minority perspective for that matter, these details are an affront to the struggles they endure.

It’s not enough for someone to be born with Inhuman DNA. In order for them to become what they are, they have to be exposed to a very specific catalyst. In this case, it’s the Terrigen Mists. This isn’t some unseen, unpredictable force. It’s big green cloud. It’s tangible, it’s predictable, and it sweeps through an area like fog. It does nothing other than activate latent Inhumans. It’s a convenient, if not crass, way to gain superpowers. It also makes the theme of the Inhumans the complete antithesis of mutants.


As I previously stated, mutants are a metaphor for minorities. They are born this way. Just being alive is what makes them mutants. With the Inhumans, it takes an outside force to make them what they are. As a real-world parallel, that’s like saying that it takes a specific form of trauma to make somebody gay or it takes a specific kind of mental illness to make someone transgender. These are the arguments that anti-gay protesters have been using for decades. The Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world say that nobody is born this way. They say these people have a disease that must be cured.

A mutant doesn’t have control over how and when their powers manifest. For most of them, it just means surviving until puberty. An Inhuman, on the other hand, does have some level of control. Even if they don’t know whether they carry Inhuman DNA, they can just avoid the Terrigen Mists and not take a chance. This ensures they never manifest any Inhuman powers. If a parent doesn’t want their child to become an Inhuman, they can just hide them or take them to a place where the Terrigen Mists can’t get them. The parents of mutant children don’t have that luxury. It’s completely antithetical to what it means to be a minority. It’s not something that can be avoided.

The Inhumans, as a concept, are an affront to the themes of the X-Men. Despite their differences, though, the two teams could still share certain struggles. Their powers and their ability to control them makes them different. There’s still some chance that they can relate on some levels. Unfortunately, that chance passed them by long ago.

Whereas mutants emerged all over the world within various parts of human society, the Inhumans remained completely isolated and cut off from the world for most of their history. Not only that, but they govern themselves in a manner that has one too many similarities with Game of Thrones and North Korea.

The Inhumans are not run like the Xavier Institute, where there’s a mentor who simply offers others a chance to learn and grow in a safe environment. They operate in a rigid caste system the likes of which would give Mahatma Ghandi a heart attack. There’s a royal family whose power is absolute. There’s an entire population of slaves in the Alpha Primitives. Those that aren’t slaves are still isolated from the rest of the world, immersed in a kingdom whose traditions include an inherent mistrust of outsiders and a xenophobia that Ann Coulter would find extreme.

These are the X-Men’s foes: a group of super-powered, racist, xenophobic slave owners who didn’t bother doing anything for anyone until they couldn’t stay hidden anymore. It wasn’t until the events of Infinity War that the Inhumans actually made an effort to contribute to the world. Say what you will about the X-Men and their inability to foster peace with humanity. At least they actively tried to integrate with the human race. They tried to make meaningful contributions to civilization. The Inhumans never did squat until they didn’t have the luxury of staying hidden anymore.

Despite this, the Marvel Universe accepts the Inhumans as heroes. They still carry themselves as heroes. They’re still celebrated as heroes. Wannabe villains still send killer robots to attack mutant schools, but a society of racist xenophobic slave-owners? They somehow get a pass.

The very foundations of these two teams are at odds with one another. Part of what makes superhero clashes like CIVIL WAR work is that both sides have valid points. It’s possible to argue the merits of either side. It’s a little bit harder to argue the merits of a side whose traditions include racism, xenophobia, and slavery. They have to fight the X-Men, who do have a long history of helping other superhero teams and saving the world, even when it’s not convenient.

It simply can’t be an equal fight. Marvel has been trying to raise the profile for the Inhumans, albeit for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways. They dedicated an entire season of AGENTS OF SHIELD to making the Inhumans popular. The problem is that they did this by trying to make them exactly like mutants. This simply cannot be done. Making the Inhumans into mutants is like making the New York Yankees into underdogs. It cannot be done logically, believably, or with a straight face.

Despite this, the Inhumans still have the advantage in one key area: movie rights. It’s a poorly-kept secret that Marvel gives preferential treatment to characters and properties whose movie rights they own. They may deny this, but how else do they explain the X-Men and Fantastic Four being absent from cartoons, toys, posters, video games, and various merchandise? What other reason could they have for going out of their way to marginalize mutants while giving extra leniency to a secret society of super-powered beings who segregate themselves from the world, maintain a rigid caste system, and only act heroic when it’s convenient?


It’s debatable just how much movie rights will be a factor in Inhumans vs. X-Men. From the perspective of Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire, the writers of this event, it may not be more than a passing thought. Unfortunately, the perception has already weaved its way into the reality that message boards and paranoid comic fans form in their heads. Anyone who has been following politics during this year’s election season understands all too well just how much paranoia and perception play into debate.

Whatever the outcome and whatever the legal undertones, the concept between Inhumans vs. X-Men is flawed. On one side, you have a minority that has been forcibly sterilized twice in the past decade. On the other, you have a team with a tradition of racism, xenophobia, and slavery. It’s not a battle between heroes as much as it is an exercise in contrivance. The only way this story is going to work on any level is for the fundamentals to be contrived in the mold of Bat Shark Repellant. For the same company that gave us CIVIL WAR and AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, Marvel has no excuses.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Announcement: Hiatus On Reviews


I've been waiting for the right time to announce this. There really is no easy or funny way to say it, regardless of how sober or not sober I am. I've been doing reviews on this blog for years now. I've been providing regular drunken rants on major events like Fear Itself, Brightest Day, Avengers vs. X-men, and Secret Wars. I've offered my colorful commentary on all sorts of developments, from DC's New 52 to Marvel NOW! During that time, I've tried to make this blog a source for entertainment, reviews, and insight. I've also tried to use it as a means of promoting X-men Supreme and my various publishing efforts.

Now, after a lot of time and some careful meditation, I've decided to take a break from reviewing comics on this blog. I know this will come as a disappointment to those who rely on my drunken rants to fill them in on the events of X-men, Marvel, and DC comics. For this, I apologize. I did not come to this decision easily, but in recent times, I feel as though the quality of my reviews has declined or stagnated. They just aren't on the same level as they used to be and that has everything to do with me and not the comics themselves.

In addition to the quality, I've also begun a new blogging project for my writing at Jack Fisher's Official Publishing Blog. With this blog, I'm hoping to make more of a push to become an established writer. As much as I enjoy writing X-men Supreme, I want to make a career out of writing and this blog just isn't helping me enough with that.

It's gotten to a point where writing these reviews every week has become a chore and in my experience, when something becomes a chore, it limits the ability to make it awesome. I don't want to pump more crap onto the internet because there's already enough of that to go around. I want to contribute quality awesome.

Now in an effort to provide some level of poetic closure, I will be reviewing Death of X. I think this will be a fitting way to shelve Nuff Said! After that series concludes, I'll continue posting my PopMatters reviews and my extended previews for X-men Supreme, however long that series goes. I'm also working on developing partnerships with other comic book websites like ComicsVerse. I may also try a few more things down the line, but I haven't decided yet. For now, Death of X will be the end of the road, at least for now.

Again, I'm sorry to all those who have come to enjoy my reviews, but between stagnant traffic and lower quality, I can't in good conscious continue. Now I am willing to post reviews and feedback from other writers. If you're at all interested, please let me know and I'll try to coordinate. If someone wants to contribute to this blog, I'm more than happy to work on that.

At the moment though, I feel like I need to direct my energy into other projects. This could change down the line, but for now, I feel like this is the right thing to do for me and for this blog. Thanks to everyone who has supported and commented on this blog at every turn. I hope that support continues with future projects. Nuff said!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Announcement: No More Scanned Thoughts

For the past several months, I've been contemplating the future of this blog. I've been working on it for the past five years now, providing weekly reviews and offering my own colorful insight into comics. And I've enjoyed it. It's been a fun ride, adding a humorous twist to reviewing comic books. But at the same time, I feel as though the quality of my work has stagnated. It shows in the declining traffic coming to this blog. Now some of that might be my fault in that I'm just not providing enough quality material. But it's gotten to the point where it feels like I'm putting a lot of work into these reviews and getting nothing out of them. So as of now, I will no longer be doing reviews in the mold of Scanned Thoughts.

I know this is disappointing to some. For that, I apologize. However, I get the sense now that most people read my reviews just for the scans and not the content. It makes for a lot of work and not a lot of reward. So for now, it makes sense to end these reviews until I can figure out a better way of using this blog.

I will continue to submit reviews to PopMatters.com and I'll be posting those reviews here. I'll also be providing extended previews of upcoming issues to X-men Supreme, at least for now. But until I figure out a better use of this blog, I will not be posting anymore Scanned Thoughts. To those who have supported this blog, I sincerely appreciate it. If anybody has any suggestions on how to best use this blog, I'd be happy to listen. But now, I think it's best that I stop for now and re-evaluate the best way to provide quality content to readers.

Jack

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

X-men Supreme + PopMatters.com = Major Announcement


Got some exciting news to announce! No, Marvel hasn’t offered me a job and no, Scarlett Johannsen still hasn’t responded to my marriage proposal. But hopefully, this will improve the future of X-men Supreme. I have received an offer from the fine folks at PopMatters.com and they were sufficiently intrigued by my passionate, and sometimes obscene, reviews that they have offered me a chance to write regular comic book reviews for them. So I won’t just be another faceless fanboy posting his comic book rants on some obscure blog. My work will actually be posted to a regular website! To say I’m excited about this would be like saying Power Girl’s tits are just average.

I rest my case.
So because of this opportunity and the maybe foolish hope that it will help both this blog and the official X-men Supreme website, the format for my reviews will change. I understand I spend a lot of time ranting and raving, sometimes going off on complete tangents that recount the horrors of high school or why ex-girlfriends are living incarnations of Satan. For these reviews, I’ll have to be more concise. So they’ll be shorter and edited by the fine folks at PopMatters.com for widespread public consumption. Hopefully, that means less spelling mistakes and punctuation errors. In other words, suck it, grammar Nazis!

I’ll also have to wait a while to post my reviews until they’re analyzed by people way smarter than me. I know I’ve been pretty good about posting my reviews regularly, but now I’m trying to make them more professional and hopefully more awesome. I started doing reviews just as something to help provide extra content for my blog and for my X-men Supreme website. I’ve come to enjoy it so much that it seems as though some people are genuinely fond of them. For that I thank those people and I hope they continue to enjoy my distinct critical style under PopMatters.com.

As for those of you who don’t give a damn about the hard work I put into my reviews and care only about the images I post, I want to say tough shit, but I have too much love for those people as well. Some don’t get a chance to read the books I review and rely on my reviews for insight and updates. With that in mind, here’s how I’m going to try working this blog from now on.

Every week, I’ll pick some comics to review and work with PopMatters.com to post it. And once PopMatters.com posts it, I’ll also post it on my blog, possibly with a few extra tweaks and rents. In addition, I’ll create separate posts that I’ll call “Scanned Thoughts.” It’ll basically post some of the images that I usually use in my reviews and add a few quick blurbs. Like if in a new issue of Uncanny X-men there’s a page where Emma Frost and Dazzler strip down to their underwear and have an oil wrestling match, I’ll post it and make a few quips about it. But I won’t be as thorough as I was with my previous reviews. I’ll save that for the actual insight that I’ll post in PopMatters.com.

Now if this shit doesn’t work, I’ll tweak it. If someone has a better idea, I’ll listen. But there are only so many hours in the day and I can’t write two reviews for the same damn comic. Maybe if I had Sage’s brain and the Flash’s speed, I could. But for now, I’ve got to work within my mortal constraints and I think this is the best way to do it.

Almost as excited as Cyclops. Almost.
So once again, I thank the wonderful people at PopMatters.com for giving me this opportunity! Hope this is a bold new phase for X-men Supreme. Excelsior!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Quick Message About Comments

You know what today is, my wonderful readers! It's new comic day! That means I'll be getting started on reviews soon enough. But before I get to that, I just wanted to make an announcement to the fine folks who take the time to post comments on my reviews.

In short, my bad guys! I usually try to respond to those comments. While I may be a drunk, I do want to show those who take the time to support this blog and the X-men Supreme fanfiction series that I give a damn and appreciate their efforts. But these last few weeks have sucked for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with the typical hangovers. I've been sick. I've been tired. I've just had more issues than usual. So while I may not have time to respond to all the comments posted here, I none-the-less deeply appreciate them all. Thanks guys! Please keep them coming and I'll keep getting drunk and reviewing comics!

To further placate your outrage, here is an overtly pornographic image of Emma Frost.






We good now? Nuff said!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Marvel's New #1 Teaser - What Could It Be?!

I'll accuse Marvel of a lot of crazy shit, but I'll never accuse their marketing and PR people as being lazy. It seems we can't go more than a few weeks without them teasing something that will tear the Marvel universe several new assholes. I've done posts on teasers before and usually they're just vague enough to get you scratching your head. But every now and then they do one that is so perplexing that if it were an anime it would induce lethal seizures. This is one of them and it is only summed up as a big ass #1.

Marvel Promises "HUGE Story" With "Marvel" #1 Teaser


So what the hell could it be? First off, let's state clearly what it is and that's another excuse for Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic book. I've already pointed this out many times before and fans continue to roll their eyes for some reason whenever it's vindicated multiple times. Books with #1 on them sell and until they stop selling, Marvel and DC will continue to churn out books with this magical number that allows them to get more money without having to do any additional work. Speaking on behalf of stoners everywhere, I can say without hestiation that there is inherent worth to such tactics. The folks at Marvel need stripper and booze money too.

But beyond what we know, what the fuck could this #1 entail? It listed a wide range of Marvel characters, some major and some minor and some pissant little redhead that should be dead by now. Is this a new series or some new event spinning right out of Age of Ultron? It's hard to tell, but fuck if I'm not intrigued. I'm sure that's exactly how Marvel planned it. A big ass #1 is all it takes for us brainless consumers to get interested. I want to be ashamed, but I'm too intrigued to give a shit. Nuff said!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

X-men #35 - Brainwashing Awesome


At some point in our lives, we all join a cult of some kind. It may not be the kind of cult that requires you to shave your head, eat nothing but grass, and give your daughters and sisters to some charismatic leader that claims salvation flows through his penis. But it can be every bit as irrational. When I was a kid, I spent times in cults such as Power Rangers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'm pretty sure there were fans that would have waged a second civil war on the merits of why Rapheal was cooler than Leonardo or why the Green Ranger could kick the ass of every Red Ranger that ever existed. Maybe we're just wired to take a nose dive into Lake Bullshit and savor the stench before it threatens to give us permanent brain damage. Unfortunately, there are cults out there like the aformentioned cult leader who tries to base an entire religion around his penis. And those peoples' brains are damaged beyond repair.

Brian Wood introduced us to a cult with more than their share of brain damage in his last issue. Fresh off the mediocre yet enjoyable proto-mutants arc, he has Storm and her security team investigating this freaky cult that's being run by this guy who looks uncomfortably similar to Jesus Christ. I'm sure Brian Wood has gotten his share of death threats from devout Christians with too much free time on their hands, but probably no more than I get on a weekly basis for the religion jokes I tell on this blog. This cult is basically a mix of Heaven's Gate, Mormonism, and Rastafarianism. They believe in seeking perfection with a capital P. And for some reason that Wood hasn't explored just yet, Domino has a history with them. Both she and Psylocke infiltrated a cruise ship full of followers in hopes of tracking down the leader and the exotic substances he's seeking to exploit thanks to guys you probably don't find on Craigslist. Now they have to channel their inner blasphemy to end this shit so these people can go back to slightly less crazy cults that only demand you worship books written by Bronze Age goat herders with epilepsy.

X-men #35 depicts a volatile situation involving a volatile guy with gullible followers and a shit ton of guys with guns. It's essentially David Koresh and the Branch Davidians all over again, minus any apparent polygamy. And in the post 9/11 world, the United States government is a little wary when it comes to crazy religious cults that don't fund the Family Research Council or support Rick Santorum. Storm tells Psylocke, who managed to tap the cult leader's Asian fetish in the last issue, that cruise missiles are on their way. And the cult leader doesn't seem to give a shit. He claims he'll become immortal by using the samples from the proto-mutants that Wood introduced in the previous issue as an energy drink. It's not unlike Pat Robertson's energy drink, but in this case it actually works without having to send him money. It sounds pretty fucked up, but it actually fits nicely because it ties this arc into Wood's first arc. And like having pot dealers that know good hookers, those connections go a long ways.


Whoever this cult leader is, he must have really done something to piss off the American government. Apparently, politicians and military folk are a bunch of pussies in the sense that a crazy cult leader with a bio-weapon derived from proto-mutants gives them a tummy ache. Rather than chug some Pepto Bismal like most normal people, they decide to fire a cruise missile at the cruise ship with all those innocent people who were just too gullible to stick to traditional Bronze Age mythology. Because if there's one thing George W. Bush taught us, it's that no problem can't be solved with the proper application of cruise missiles and children's do learn.

This forces Pixie to once again upstage every teenage girl who ever lived by flying out of the comforts of the plane and getting to the missile before it reaches the ship. Meanwhile, Domino managed to work her way up to the deck and look damn sexy while doing it. She's quite eager to shoot the cult leader, but Storm reminds them that they need that proto-mutant sample. And since the son-of-a-bitch drank it, they can't go blowing his brains out. I'm pretty sure Domino is thinking Storm is the biggest killjoy since Mitt Romney.


As you would expect, chugging a bunch of proto-mutant DNA like jello shots tends to fuck a guy up. The cult leader pulls a gun on Psylocke and points it right at her while boasting how creepy glowing eyes are his idea of perfection. Makes me wonder what he considers to be a the perfect size for a pair of breasts. But the man is clearly undergoing a fucked up transformation and Domino's plan to blow his brains out becomes increasingly more appealing. However, Storm reminds them that they need that sample of proto-mutant DNA. She talks about how this shit could do more than just give cult leaders boners after they're tired of marrying underaged girls. It could actually help mutants in the same way stem cells help the people who don't give money to radical anti-abortion nutjobs. So they have to be gentle with this deranged zealot and get a sample of his blood.


It turns out not to be quite as difficult as it sounds. Domino is probably disappointed that she didn't get to use her gun. I'm sure that dries her pussy up faster than a picture of Rick Santorum's anus. But with Psylocke, this battle is over with a quick psionic blade to the head. The cult leader demonstrates no crazy powers. He doesn't shoot fire from his nose or fart energy blasts. He just boasts for a while how this proto-mutant stuff has made his dick bigger, but then Psylocke takes him out. But while the fight itself may not be very exciting, something intriguing does happen along the way. It's not as fun as watching two beautiful women beat the shit out a Jesus wannabe, but it's still compelling.

While they're attempting to get a blood sample, Domino suggests they just throw the sample in the ocean and let sharks shit all over it. Now why would they want to do that after going through all this trouble and dressing like New Age nuns? Well Domino points out that Storm hasn't exactly been too honest lately. She's been lying to Cyclops and the rest of the team has gone along with her because she's fucking Storm. She's also a competent leader and can shoot a lightning bolt up your ass if you don't get with the program. But Domino points out that by continuing this lie, they'll only doom themselves to more missions like this. So it may be best to just nip it in ass right now and ditch the sample, despite all the help it could do. It may sound extreme, but it actually shows signs that Storm's lies and deception are having an effect. It's a different kind of drama that goes beyond which character is trying to bone the other. It hints at a larger internal conflict with Storm's team and one I hope Brian Wood pursues, if for no other reason than to see Domino, Psylocke, and Storm fighting each other, preferably while naked and covered in oil. What? Don't tell me that thought hasn't crossed your mind.


Eventually, Psylocke decides to risk taking the sample. That pretty much guarantees that Domino will get to say "I told you so, bitch" in a later issue. But once this little debate is done, we do get some more classic action in the form of Pixie stopping the cruise missile. It's not as visually appealing as seeing two beautiful women beat the shit out of crazy cults, but it helps fill the action void. Brian Wood may favor more subtle means of action, but there will never be a substitute for seeing a teenage girl teleport a cruise missile to the arctic circle and watching it blow up. It's like stoners with aluminum foil, minus the lower sperm count.


When all is said and done, Storm's team returns and they give a quick report to Cyclops. Storm continues to follow the same theme established since Wood took over in that she doesn't give Cyclops the full story or even hint at what her intentions will be from here on out. She only tells him they have the sample and aren't returning to utopia. But she does it in a coy, playful manner that any man with a functioning dick would find hard to ignore. It still confirms what Domino pointed out earlier. They're now pretty much stuck in Storm's little personal vendetta here and that's bound to get them neck deep in more shit. She already seems to have the next round planned as she contacts Sabra, who has been helping her since the previous arc. Now she wants to invite more shit into this conflict. Apparently, being neck deep just isn't enough for her.


The comic could have easily ended there, but Wood throws in a few juicy extras. It's not a coupon for a free lap dance at a strip club, but it's right up there. He shows that while Storm may have succeeded in her mission, she's starting to lose the loyalty of her team. Domino, who has never been one to just let shit slide be it a mission or a chance to get laid, is shown confronting Colossus who also hasn't been too fond of Storm keeping Cyclops out of the loop. Storm believes she's missing a piece of the puzzle and Domino knows they're going to be the ones that have to find it. So whatever this piece may be, someone is going to try and screw someone over and the money shot is bound to be extra messy.


For most new writers on a series, they try to start things out with a bang. They're like that guy that yells, "Sex! Now that I have your attention..." to open a speech.  Wood didn't use those tactics. At times, I think he should have. In reviewing his issues, I've often been underwhelmed. His proto-mutant arc wasn't bad, but it wasn't going to give anyone a boner they couldn't get from watching reruns of Nip Tuck. It never crashed and burned, but Wood clearly had a plan and he stuck to that plan. I think I can finally say it has paid off with this issue.

The story surrounding the proto-mutants linked up nicely in this short two-issue arc. It wasn't apparent in the previous issue, but Wood did a good job of tying up the loose ends in this issue. He didn't go light on the action either like he's done in previous issues. This issue had Domino fighting her way through a cruise ship, Pixie diverting cruise missiles, and Psylocke showing cult leaders that they'll need to find some other creative way to get gullible people to give them money and pussy. It all makes for a very satisfying conclusion that also continued Storm's growing theme of keeping Cyclops out of the loop. Since this shit happens before Avengers vs. X-men, it's clearly a prelude of sorts that Storm is prepared to turn on Cyclops, her husband, and pretty much anyone she damn well pleases.

The issue isn't without its faults. The ending was left a bit overly ambiguous. Wood is clearly not done with the proto-mutant story, but he doesn't really set anything up here. And overall, the mystery surrounding the proto-mutants really hasn't been explored any further other than showing that cult leaders love to take short cuts to becoming more crazy. Moreover, the cult leader was pretty damn inept. You never got the sense that he was a real threat that the X-men were going to struggle with. So while there was plenty of insight, there wasn't a whole lot of suspense. Your bladder and your colon are pretty much intact with every page.

None-the-less, this is by far the best issue of X-men that Brian Wood has written to date. He continues to show that while he may start slow, he's capable of catching up for those who have patience. In this day and age where peoples' attention span is only as long as their last Twitter post, that may not be a good long-term strategy. But for this issue, it works. I give X-men #35 a 4 out of 5. Let this be a lesson to all you folks out there looking to join a new shady religious group. If he demands complete devotion, walks around with body guards, and talks about perfecting the human spirit or some shit like that, he's either crazy or just wants to fuck you and is too cheap to get a hooker. Nuff said!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Justice League #12 - The Kiss That Shocked (and Aroused) The World


I know it's been a long time since I reviewed a DC comic on this blog. If you haven't killed as many brain cells as I have, you would remember that there was a time when I reviewed DC comics regularly on this blog. Hell, I reviewed the entire fucking Brightest Day series from beginning to end. There are a number of reasons why I had to stop reviewing DC comics, most of which involved having too little time and a shitty meth dealer who shall go nameless. But just because I haven't been reviewing too many DC comics doesn't mean I've stopped reading them. Hell, since the New 52 began, I've been reading more DC comics than I have since Brightest Day. I haven't had too many opportunities to review any of them, mostly because there's been so much crazy shit going on in Marvel involving cosmic parrots and red-haired, green eyed women NOT named Jean Grey. But then something came along that actually made national fucking news and I just couldn't hold my wad anymore.

A few weeks ago, I reported that DC leaked the ending of Justice League #12 by saying Superman and Wonder Woman would hook up. And this shit wasn't just big news for comics. This shit made national fucking headlines. Apparently, it's a big fucking deal with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time hooks up with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time in a way that's not some cheap gimmick. It's been pointed out by a number of major sources that the idea of Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies is not new. But most of the time, it turns out to be a ruse or part of some alternate universe. And in comics, alternate universes are basically glorified fanfiction minus the part where the writers don't get paid jack shit for all their work. When this shit happens in the main continuity, it tends to either royally fuck up the main series or take it in a bold new direction or a mixture of the two. Seeing as how Superman's penis has been exclusively reserved for Lois Lane since the fucking Great Depression, it is a big fucking deal when that relationship is essentially ditched so something new and potentially bonerific is introduced. As such, I'm prepared to end my long sabbatical on reviewing DC comics and post a full review of Justice League #12.

Now it would take me at least six blog posts to cover all the shit that has happened since the New 52 began. I only reviewed some of the early issues and a lot has happened since then to say the very least. So for the sake of the assholes who claim I'm not attentive to detail, here's a quick rundown of what's been going on in Justice League. The first arc was basically a prelude, a look back five years into the past when superheroes were still a novel concept and before anyone thought Apple could make a decent smart phone. The next arc and the one that's culminating in Justice League #12 depicts the fucked up logistics of having a superhero team in the world of youtube, TMZ, and a Congress with a lower approval rating than Todd Akin's support with women voters. The early issues shows how this has royally fucked up the life of Colonel Steve Trevor, who historically has been Wonder Woman's closest parallel to what Lois Lane is to Superman. While Trevor does come off as a douche at times, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy because he flat out told Wonder Woman he was in love with her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fuck, and I just thought men only loved certain parts of a woman." Okay, so maybe she was nicer about it, but you get the idea.

The point of the Steve Trevor story is that he's basically the public whipping boy for the Justice League. He's like Lindsey Lohan's publicist, having to do the impossible and give the impression that it's okay to trust the League implicitly with protecting the world without any kind of governmental oversight. He might as well be tasked with convincing the entire Catholic Church that God wants them to jerk off to gay porn for six hours a day. Well in addition to having this impossible job, Steve Trevor also makes himself a target by being the official PR guy for the League. But not to your typical bad guys like Lex Luthor, Braniac, or the Christian Coalition.

The second arc of Justice League deals with a villain that's a bit more devious and a bit more fucked up than your typical bad guy. He actually showed up in the first arc. Back then, he was just David Graves. After the Justice League took on Darkseid, he wrote a book that sold better than 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter combined that basically made the Justice League out to be modern day gods. You would think this guy would be the last person to fall in with a bad crowd and you would also have to believe that good people don't routinely get screwed over in both comics and the real world. If you sincerely believe that, stop taking whatever pills you are taking and see a neurosurgeon right away.

The past few issues of Justice League have shown how David Graves has not only lost his mind, but basically been fucked over worse than the guy who invested all his money in Facebook stock. His wife and children were overcome with a mysterious illness that killed them all. Then he got sick and was on the verge of dying as well. And in his twisted mind of illness and agony (and probably some kickass prescription drugs, he blamed the Justice League for his suffering). So he hatched this elaborate scheme that may or may not be a side-effect of said drugs to go to this mystical place called Mount Sumeru where the souls of the dead allegedly wait to be judged before entering the afterlife. It's basically what the Catholic Church thinks happens when you die, minus the part where Jesus drop kicks gays into Hell. From there, he somehow managed to tap into the power of this mystical place to become this walking death cult. He used his power to kidnap Steve Trevor and torture him so he could get to the Justice League and lure them to Mount Sumeru. It actually worked remarkably well, once again vindicating Dick Cheney's justifications for torture.

Justice League #12 doesn't start off with Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies, but mainly continues this story with David Graves as the League confronts his newfound death-loving powers. Now at Mount Sumeru, he's able to haunt them with ghostly images of their friends and loved ones. Superman sees his parents, Batman sees his parents, Green Lantern sees his father, and...okay, you can probably figure out the rest. And Wonder Woman sees Steve Trevor, who she promised to save but ends up being too late. So not only did she break his heart and his balls, but she got his ass killed. It creates the kind of psychological torture that the League is not equipped to handle and makes for a very spooky scene that allows Jim Lee to once again show why he's the comic book art equivalent of Pablo Picasso.


But Graves isn't just out to torment the Justice League with ghostly images of their loved ones. He actually tries to come off as sympathetic by saying he plans on destroying Mount Sumeru so that the spirits of the dead would be free to reunite with their relatives. It sounds noble on paper, even if Graves looks like something Freddy Kruger shat out on one of his victims. But it also leaves me wondering if that was his goal all along, then why the fuck get the Justice League involved? I get that he blames them for killing his family, but why invite them to party before the keg has been tapped? He's just asking for trouble. So while Geoff Johns and Jim Lee make an admirable effort to have Graves appear as sympathetic, he just comes off as a dumb ass.



As expected, Grave's piss poor planning comes back to bite him. While he appears to have the Justice League under his thumb, he conveniently forgets that he didn't torture Steve Trevor enough. He shows up in the fight looking like someone who just went 15 rounds with Mike Tysons and Muhammad Ali on meth armed with only a gun. And not some magic, ghost-killing gun. I'm talking the same gun Rick Perry probably keeps under his pillow. It seems less gutsy and more batshit insane. Graves just subdued the fucking Justice League. Yet Steve Trevor thinks he can take him on? He may not be worthy of Wonder Woman's pussy, but he's still worthy of plenty of respect.


The arrival of Steve Trevor does more than just throw off Graves and remind him why good villains are more thorough when it comes to torturing innocent people. It inspires the Justice League to fight back. They now know that these ghostly forms that appear to be their loved ones aren't real. In fact, they aren't even ghosts. They're called Petras, which are essentially the spiritual equivalent of tapeworms. They feed off the spirits of their victims in the same way Jerry Springer feeds off the tears of redneck transvestite strippers. That just means the Justice League won't have to deal with a touch of guilt in crushing them. Plus, it gives Wonder Woman a window with which to beat the shit out of Graves. Even though he's a misguided old man, you don't win any fucking sympathy from a woman scorned.


It's a quick, flashy fight. Almost too quick in some ways because Graves really is in no position to put up a fight. He's not fucking Lex Luthor or Darkseid. He's a sick old man for whom senility has kicked his ass. Even though Johns and Lee still try to make him come off as sympathetic as he begs the Justice League to kill him, you still don't feel too bad when the League just watches him squirm. And any sympathy you might have had for Graves pretty much goes out the window when Batman points out that he knew these ghostly parasites weren't his family. He just didn't want to believe it. And since Batman is the one saying it, he's got no hope of arguing. He might as well be OJ Simpson speaking out against spousal abuse. So in the end Graves wasn't misguided. He was just batshit insane. And I think the Justice League has enough of those in their rogue's gallery.


Later on after the League gets tired of watching an old man whine like a little bitch, Wonder Woman catches up with Steve Trevor in the hospital. It's a tense moment, but one the readers were probably expecting after seeing the cover. In order for Wonder Woman to swap spit with Superman, she needs to set aside Steve Trevor. She tries to play up the Peter Parker angle, which became defunct after One More Day. She says just knowing her led to his torture and she just can't have that. She can't have a guy close to her who is so fragile that the muscles in her pinkie toe could sever his spine. And she's pretty cold about it too, saying she doesn't want him to be the League's liaison anymore. So not only is she dumping his ass for a second time. She's firing him as well. Even Ann Coulter would raise an eyebrow at this point.

But she doesn't come off as entirely cold. Wonder Woman makes it clear that she still cares about Steve and doesn't want him to get hurt. He then points out that he's a soldier. Getting hurt is part of the job description and he was putting his ass on the line long before he was checking out hers. In the end he's the one that tells her off, saying she can go ahead with finding a new liaison. But she's running scared in a way that isn't very warrior-like. So even though he's wounded, he sounds like the one with the balls. And against Wonder Woman, that's saying something.


Without Steve Trevor or some pretty face to keep Congress and the UN off their backs, the Justice League is stuck doing damage control on their own. If that weren't tedious enough, Batman points out that they may have actually been responsible for what happened to Grave's family. So in some respects he wasn't completely insane in claiming that the League screwed him over. Granted, it was a result of him being too close to Darkseid's omega beam, but I guess it's just easier to torment the Justice League than it is Darkseid. But in the course of this battle, the League is hit with some rather lousy press due to footage of them fighting leaking out into the media. And in the era of youtube and Fox News, even heroes/gods get belittled by the Glenn Becks of the world. They're forced to conclude that they need to get their shit together and without Steve Trevor. Green Lantern decides to use a temporary fix by having him take the fall for the fight and quit the league. It's like solving a stubbed toe by cutting it off. It's a bit excessive, but when you're dealing with government and media there's no such thing as subtle.


Now the stage is finally set for the big moment. Wonder Woman has left Steve Trevor at the hospital upset, demoralized, and saddened. So she skips the meeting with the rest of the Justice League and sets up shop on top of the Lincoln Memorial. Superman, who probably doesn't care to see Batman explain how fucked the League is either, catches up with her and tries to cheer her up. It doesn't sound like he intends to swap some bodily fluids, but it's clear they're both quite vulnerable. Wonder Woman talks about how confusing relationships are. It's easy to forget that she comes from an island of warrior women for whom men are either target practice or sperm factories. She doesn't know the first thing about how a man and a woman can get along. I'm pretty sure nobody in the history of the world has ever been able to understand that shit, but given where she came from her confusion is understandable.

Superman tries to be Superman and say all the right things. He points out that relationships are even more complicated since they aren't even close to being normal. He's an alien from another world. She's a woman from a mystical island of warrior women. They really don't have anyone in the world to relate to. There's no dating sight for people like them. Even though Superman has an alternate ego in Clark Kent, that ego is essentially a mask. In the New 52, nobody knows Clark Kent is Superman. Both his parents are dead. His relationship with Lois has been One More Dayed. He's alone in the same way Wonder Woman is alone. She's Zeus's daughter and her own sisters consider her an abomination. That and her mother fucking lied to her for most of her life. She's got nobody to turn to. So when they each establish how alone they are, what happens next is neither surprising nor unfitting.


It happens. Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. For once, the cover was not a bullshit ruse. DC is basically telling Marvel here to take all their phony Jean Grey covers and fuck off. Because in this moment where Superman and Wonder Woman come together, it doesn't feel like a gimmick or just something for fanfiction writers to turn into porn. These two characters are very alone in the New 52. They have nobody they can get close to. They have nobody they can share all their intimate secrets with. They already work together and trust each other in the Justice League. It may not be the best set of circumstances under which to hook up, but they definitely work. They work in ways that'll bring a tear to your eye while making your dick or clit hard as a slab of granite. For everything DC has done in the build-up to this moment with all the news coverage and what not, it still makes for an immensely satisfying scene.


I'll give fanboys and fanfiction writes a moment to contemplate how they can turn the previous scene into something they can jerk off to. It would have been a nice way for the issue to end, but it would have also been too fucking sappy. This is a Justice League comic in the post New 52 eras. It's not a massage parlor in Bankok where a happy ending is expected. There always has to be room for some more to stench up the story down the line and this issue is no exception. The final scene revisits Graves in a prison, who is still sick and dying and understandably pissed at the Justice League. So it's a given that someone like Amanda Waller will come along and ask him to write another book. She already gives him a title, "How to Destroy the Justice League." Speaking as someone who has been motivated to write some pretty fucked up shit in the past, I can say that when you're sick and pissed off you're not going to hold back. And with Graves, it's a given that there will be a lot less dick and boob jokes.


Whenever a comic promises to get everybody talking, it's normal for readers to roll their eyes and give it no more credence than those annoying male enhancement commercials. You wish it were true, but assume it's largely bullshit because more often than not it is. Well this time, it's not bullshit. This comic may not make your dick a foot long, but it delivers when it claims it'll get people talking. Getting mentioned by major news outlets and fucking Good Morning America definitely qualifies. It doesn't just show Superman and Wonder Woman sharing a friendly smooch at a vulnerable moment. It actually establishes that these two can and will have an actual relationship in DC's New 52 universe.

This opens the floodgates to all sorts of stories, 2/3rds of which involve the kind of damage these two could do if they start experimenting with thrill sex. Granted, Johns and Lee didn't drop a whole lot of hints regarding these two early on in the arc. However, the possibility was there. And the way it came together in this issue made it so there didn't need to be the kind of playful flirting that Hugh Grant made boring in every romantic comedy ever made. It may not be the best circumstances for a relationship. Hell, it probably would make for a better one-night stand or summer fling when you get right down to it, but the potential is still there. And fuck if the possibilities don't make my dick harder than a jackhammer in a diamond mine.

Now as for the comic as a whole, there is more at work than just Superman and Wonder Woman kissing if you can believe that. It did effectively end the arc with Graves and it moved the story forward with the Justice League, making it so they're now vulnerable in a way that's not going to work to their advantage to say the least. The world no longer thinks they're gods worthy of the same loyalty that Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber enjoy. They've also pissed off someone who was once a close ally in Steve Trevor, who has both the means and the motivation to fuck with them in the near future. The story, aside from inspiring fanfiction writers to do superpowered sex scenes, establishes an uncertain environment for the Justice League that promises to lead to some increasingly volatile conflicts at the very least.

If there is a flaw in this development, it's that it seems to be somewhat underplayed and not just because of the Superman/Wonder Woman kiss. Johns seemed to make too much of an effort to make Graves come off as sympathetic. And the whole battle between the League and these ghostly illusions of their loved ones didn't have the kind of epic feel that it should have. You never got the sense that the League was really tormented by these visions. When it was over, they basically shrugged it off. Only Wonder Woman seemed to be really effected. But in the end, the point of the story wasn't the battle. It was the consequences of the battle. It may not be as action packed as a battle against Darkseid, but it's still pretty damn awesome. For that, I give Justice League #12 a 4 out of 5.

It feels good to review a DC comic again and it feels good to see DC taking a chance with Superman and Wonder Woman. I've made my opinion on the relationship pretty clear and I pray to Odin that DC doesn't screw it up. These are two of the most iconic heroes in the history of comics. To screw them up at this point is to shit on the hearts of several generations of comic fans. Best of luck to you, DC! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a box of Kleenexes and a bottle of lube with my name on it. Nuff said!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

It's Official: Superman and Wonder Woman Are Hooking Up!

I know it's been a long time since I posted anything DC related on this blog. Don't blame me. It's not my fault the days aren't long enough and humans have to do shit like sleep, eat, and fuck in between writing kick-ass comic reviews. But don't think just because I review only Marvel titles on my blog means I've lost any love for DC Comics. Ever since the New 52, I've been more neck deep in the DCU than I've been in years. Books like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Justice League have been steady suppliers of awesome. Hell, Catwoman is worth buying just to see her bone Batman!

But every so often, some news comes along that requires me to take a break from getting drunk and hiding from my ex-girlfriends (or their fathers) that I just have to talk about. This news doesn't involve another relaunch, reboot, or whatever the hell DC calls it. It involves superhero romance. No self-respecting, red-meat loving, porno-watching fanboy will admit it, but they get very passionate about their favorite heroes' love lives. We all have an inner Twilight fan in all of us, minus the terrible story and graphically bloody childbirth. When our heroes bone someone or stop boning them, it resonates on a level akin to watching out favorite porn stars bone. DC seems to know this has decided to finally do what every fanfiction writer and porn parody has dreamed of doing. They're hooking up Superman and Wonder Woman.


Now DC is claiming this shit is no fluke. It's not one of those lame ass teases that we've seen many times before (see Action Comics #600). It's not one of those dream-like sequences that Wolverine probably has about Jean Grey whenever he's left alone in a room with a box of tissues and a bottle of lube. Geoff Johns and Jim Lee are saying this is the real deal. Superman and Wonder Woman are actually going to be an item.

If the concept of these two hooking up never crossed your mind, then please stop reading this blog right now and look up the world's greatest neurosurgeon because something is horribly wrong with your brain. This has been one of those relationships that seems so fucking obvious. They're both superheroes, they work on the same team, they're super strong and super durable, and they're both ideals for their gender. Why shouldn't they hook up? Well part of the problem if you can call it that is that Superman has always been linked to Lois Lane. Going all the way back to the days republicans think were better, they're romance has always trumped every other romance. It left Superman and Wonder Woman as that concept that would make for good fanfiction by writers with drinking problems and too much free time, but not for a legitimate story.

Well the New 52 changed all that. It not only One More Dayed Superman's marriage with Lois without having to make a deal with the fucking devil, it set up a world where Superman was more alien than human. In recent comics, he's been struggling to relate to damn near everyone. Wonder Woman isn't much different. She just found out she's yet another bastard love child from Zeus and that doesn't sit right. So what do you do when you're messed up? You either drink or try to get laid. Since DC doesn't like having heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman get drunk, that leaves only one option.

Now I consider myself to be somewhat old school when it comes to comic book romances. I always have a soft spot for the classics like Superman/Lois, Reed/Sue, Cyclops/Jean, and Peter/Mary Jane (fuck you, Mephisto). However, I'm of the opinion that any relationship can be made to work if it's written well enough. So I believe completely that Superman and Wonder Woman can work. Now I don't think they could ever work the way Superman and Lois did. I think that in the long run, Superman will always end up with Lois just as I'll always end up drunk at a bar on St. Patrick's Day. But that doesn't mean there can't be some soap opera in between.

So DC is finally doing it. They're going to give Superman and Wonder Woman a shot. I guess that only leaves one question now. How are they going to handle the unavoidable desire of fanboys to see these two fuck? Moreover, how hot can such heroic fucking be with these two? The world shall tremble in more ways than one. If nothing else, it'll give fanfiction writers a few more lurid ideas that they may or may not have had to begin with. Nuff said!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

X-men #34 - The Bad Side of Awesome


Sometimes when you risk getting on someone's bad side, they hold that shit against you as if they want it tattooed on your forehead. Now I know superheroes are supposed to be upstanding and moral and shit, but they are capable of holding grudges. The big problem is that sometimes those grudges are warranted. Guys like Dr. Doom who hate Reed Richards just because he may be smarter or his dick may be longer are petty. But when one hero essentially thumbs their nose at another that considers them a trusted friend, then that hero damn well ought to be on someone's bad side. Unless their trusted friend is Jesus Christ, they're going to get on someone's bad side.

This is essentially what happened with Storm in Brian Wood's first arc of adjectiveless X-men. In addition to exploring the evolutionary history with mutants by introducing the concept of proto-mutants, he dedicated a good chunk of ink to having Storm resist calling in Cyclops for help at every possible turn. Even though her own teammates constantly badgered her about it like my ex-girlfriend constantly badgered me about my drinking, she didn't relent until the very end. Now Wood didn't have her do this just so Storm had an excuse to give Cyclops the finger that didn't involve him banging Emma Frost. She did this because she stated outright that Cyclops's whim is not the same as the X-men's whim. The X-men are bigger than Cyclops, which is a pretty ball-busting statement when you consider how much authority he's wielded in recent years. However, even if Storm's logic was valid, the end result amounted to a half-eaten cheeseburger and a promise from Bernie Madoff. She eventually did call Cyclops, but it was several issues too late.

Even though the arc itself was somewhat underwhelming, it had plenty of potential to be awesome. So it came as a relief of sort to see Wood continue this story in a new arc beginning in X-men #34. He plays up the mystery aspects of his story just as he did in his last arc. This time instead of using monsters and mad scientists with too much free time and too little porn, he shows a guy who looks a lot like a young Charles Manson getting his hands on an odd looking vial of goo. And in comics, odd looking vials of goo are usually either the seeds of a monster or the kind of shit people inject into their asses to make them monsters. It's kind of like meth, but without the bad teeth in that sense.


For Storm and her team, the mission with the proto-mutants in the previous arc is not finished. She finally did call Cyclops and he basically told her if she wants to keep him out of the loop, then she has to solve her own damn problems. He comes off as somewhat of an asshole, but then again Storm was the one that decided to keep him out of the loop. He's just giving her what she wants. Are we going to start condemning a man for giving a woman what she wants? The day that happens is the day every man's testicles turn to liquid helium.

Storm meets up with her team again and gets in touch with Sabra, the sexy female scientist who assisted Storm in the previous arc. She may not be an X-man, but what she lacks in the ability to shoot lasers or pop claws she makes up for with brains. And for some guys, that's almost as sexy as Emma Frost's boob job...well, maybe not almost. But she does tell Storm that one of the genetic samples from the proto-mutants was stolen and picked up by a group called Heavenly Path. Now unless that's the name of a female vibrator, you know that can only be trouble.


For whatever reason, Domino knows all about these guys. She explains that they're not into your usual cult shit like shaving their heads, ingesting hallucinogens, polygamy, or child slavery. They leave that shit to the Mormons and the Taliban. These guys are all about a religious pursuit of perfection. They eat, pray, and live with the sole intent of gaining perfection. Seeing as how perfection is pretty damn tough even in comics, they might as well be a cult intent on never taking a shit. Storm and Colossus speculate on how crazy a guy must be to form a cult like this. But is it really so crazy to want a legion of followers who will do whatever the fuck you want? Hell, that's not crazy. That's just your typical desire to be a complete douche.


Armed with this knowledge, Storm's security team tracks down Heavenly Path to a ship where they're holding one of their cruises. It's kind of like going on a church retreat, but with less beatings and exorcisms. Pixie flies Domino and Psylocke in, who they assume will fit right in since they're attractive women and we all know how cult leaders love attractive women. Well, it's more so they love what they can do with them. Just ask Warren Jeffs. But thanks to Psylocke's telepathy, they stay under the radar. They blend in with the spaced out hippie crowd, who all look like they've had one too many helpings from Jim Jones's punch bowl. They still look less crazy than your typical Mormon though.


After pretending to meditate for a while, the Jesus-looking cult leader we met earlier shows up and gives his little speech about how the world is corrupt and how they're all tainted. He claims the only way they can obtain perfection is through him. Usually when a cult leader says that, he's usually referring to his penis. He claims that the point of this little cruise is for them to be clean. Again, that sounds an awful lot like a cult leader referring to his penis. After he asks for volunteers, one of the cult leader's posse picks Psylocke out of the crowd, saying that the leader noticed her. Again, this guy really does seem to be thinking with his penis. Is it really too surprising that he picked out an attractive Asian woman?

Now I'm not trying to denigrate all cults here. I know most of them are just into harmless shit like tree hugging, yoga, and crystal worship. But I almost get the sense that Wood is trying to make a statement about these cults here. They remind me of Mr. Clean commercials. They make you feel like you're living in a dirty world and it's your god-given obligation to clean it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I don't think there are enough people in this world who are content being a little dirty from time to time. There's a time to get dirty and a time to get clean. Too much of either will kill you.


Psylocke, taking full advantage of the cult leader's Asian fetish, goes with them to meet the leader. Domino, never one to be too content with sitting around without a gun, decides to get a little dirty. She leaves the group, beats up one of the guards, and takes his gun. That's really all a woman like her needs to fuck shit up and she's off to a good start. She takes out some of the guards and stays in touch with Psylocke, who is learning from the leader what they're all about. Nothing seems too outlandish at first. He explains that they want to build a better human race through meditating, diet, population control (codeword for letting him impregnate all the pretty young women), and what not. He also says they're into gene therapy and this is where that scene at the beginning as well as the events of the last arc come into play.


The leader, who to this point has been wearing Kim Jong Ill style sunglasses, shows that he's been putting that proto-mutant sample to good use. By good use, I mean he injected it. Now I'm all for injecting exotic substances into one's veins provided the effects are desirable, but this guy injected something into his body that gave him freaky glowing eyes and what looks like various veins on his face. I'm not sure what his definition of perfection is, but I'm pretty sure his is more fucked up than your typical cult leader who just sees perfection in gullible young women. It's creepy as hell, yet very intriguing. It's probably the most intriguing ending Brian Wood has conjured to date and one that'll either make you excited or give you nightmares.


When you think of an X-men comic, you usually don't think of stories that involve going undercover unless it has Mystique as a main character. Those are also the comics you expect someone to get screwed over in both the best and worse ways, but Mystique isn't in this comic. And in the X-books, it's hard to go undercover when the X-men are about as known for their subtlety as Emma Frost is known for her modesty. Yet somehow, Brian Wood finds a way to make it work. Not only does he take the story he began in the previous arc and continue it, but he adds upon it a new twist that puts Storm and her security team in a very different and very compelling struggle. Granted, it took until the last page for that struggle to get really interesting, but it definitely ensures that readers will want to see what happens next if for no other reason than to see if this crazy Jesus wannabe uses his new eyes to seduce some X-women. Who among us wouldn't if given the opportunity?

While I've been waiting and hoping to see this series get as awesome as it deserves to be under Brian Wood's pen, this issue doesn't completely succeed in the way I hoped. However, it does take a much greater step than any of the previous issues. The problem with this issue and the problem with many of the previous issues is that it's a bit too subtle for the sake of being subtle. I love that Wood is trying to build a mystery here, but the comic just drags too much at times. This issue was too much setup and not enough crazy religious cult leader making the X-men exceedingly uncomfortable in ways their skin tight uniforms could never hope to match. Wood still made sure all the other elements were solid, including the ongoing drama between Storm and Cyclops. While there was room for more, it's nice to see this series finally getting interesting again.

X-men #34 is not a spectacular issue, but it's definitely a step up from the last four issues. As I've said before, I've come dangerously close to dropping this title. I spend a shit ton of money on comics that I could be using for booze and blow so if a comic starts sucking, I don't have much patience. But Brian Wood has kept me hooked on this title because of all the potential it shows and now I'm finally getting the sense that it's starting to manifest. Since this only the first issue of this two-part arc, I hope the next issue brings everything together and kicks the asses of numerous religious zealots. That alone will make this arc awesome, but for now this issue gets a 3.5 out of 5. In these dangerous times where religious zealots are actually taken seriously on issues like women's health and minority relations, I think it's all the more vital for comics to use them in compelling stories. And by use them I mean use them for target practice. Nuff said!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

X-men #33 - Backfiring Awesome


Here's something to do if you're bored on a Sunday. Quick question, how do you fuck with a creationist? It's as easy as claiming god gave you a special golden tablet that explained in graphic detail all the reasons why evolution was true. And in order for the creationist to see it, they have to do everything you say and take your word on faith. If they're even partially as gullible as the average creationist, you can get them to do some pretty twisted shit. I'm still waiting for this one creationist to finish counting the blades of grass in the state of Montana. I know it's a little cruel, but it just keeps getting funnier with every passing second.

Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men isn't quite as satisfying as fucking with a creationist direction, but the indirect approach works just as well. Since he began his run on this series, he's taken a different approach compared to Victor Gischler. Rather than big flashy events that capitalize on the Twilight and True Blood crowds, he favors a more steady approach by building up a story gradually while teaching a lesson in evolution in the process. Somewhere out there, Bill Nye the Science Guy is smiling and Kirk Cameron is shitting himself.

The story involves Storm trying to subvert Cyclops while her security team seeks to uncover a mystery surrounding a group of resurrected proto-mutants. Someone with too much free time and too many PHDs is using proto-mutant DNA to resurrect them and attack random parts of the world for shits and giggles. In X-men #32, Storm continued to play hardball with her team despite their incessant desire to whine to Cyclops. Her stubbornness paid off when they managed to find out the name and location of the asshole that's behind these attacks. Now Wood's inaugural arc finally has the promise of some classic X-men ass-kicking.

X-men #33 has the security team putting that intel they uncovered in the previous issue to good use. They know who's behind these proto-mutant attacks. His name is David Michael Gray. You couldn't find a duller name outside of a Mormon temple so you would be forgiven for not expecting much on the initial attack. Storm, who still hasn't called Cyclops, leads her security team on an attack in the facility over the Mediterranean. They don't walk up to the front door and ring the bell either. They're the X-men. If they're not jumping out of a plane and giving gravity the finger, they're not trying very hard. Unfortunately, Gray is ready for them. He throws another proto-mutant at them in the form of another rock monster. This ensures that the ride down will be rough and gravity has a chance to get back at them.


When the X-men do land, they're welcomed with the same warmth that Richard Dawkins is when he visits the Vatican. Some more proto-mutant monsters are down there waiting for them. They're not too similar to the monsters they've faced in previous issue. It's your standard monster dog with three heads and swamp creature with a vagina-like face. There's some decent action here, but it's not all that epic. That's not as disappointing as it sounds because pretty much none of the battles against the proto-mutants have been on the level of Cyclops kicking Sinister in the balls. That's not how they've been developed by Wood. So while it may still keep in line with the characterization he's done for these proto-mutants thus far, it's still somewhat underwhelming.


It gets a bit more exotic if that's the right word when Colossus fights off the giant shit ball that attacked him in the sky. Once again giving the finger to gravity, he falls towards the surface and literally comes crashing right into Dr. Gray's lab. Like everywhere Colossus goes when he's in his Juggernaut form, he makes quite a mess. But Dr. Gray is no Gordon Ramsey when it comes to the neatness of his lab. In fact, he's no more intimidated than an unneutered pit-bull at a poodle grooming contest. Even with a Juggernaut powered Colossus approaching him, he claimed he just didn't have the parental instincts or give enough fucks to make these proto-mutants anything more than shitty science experiments. So rather than let Colossus kick his ass, he pulls a fucking gun on turns it on himself. Then before Colossus can knock his skull out through his colon, he blows his brains out.

It's not the most unexpected twist Wood could have thrown into the mix. It's not even the most gruesome. There are far more gruesome things in half the pages of a single issue of Uncanny X-Force. While it won't shock the readers, it will raise a few eyebrows because Dr. Gray didn't seem all that broken up about offing himself. Hell, he did it with the same smile most guys get when they manage to sneak a channel in the cheerleaders dressing room. It implies that this story isn't done, but this part of it sure is. It doesn't end in a very epic manner, but it doesn't end in an overly traditional manner either. So again, it's underwhelming without being disappointing.


After Dr. Gray offs himself, Colossus does a little scavenging throughout the lab. He finds out that the typical array of papers, materials, and hard drives (most of which are presumably loaded with Russian porn) have already been removed from the lab. So not only are they too late, they don't have any data to help them figure out why Dr. Gray would start dry-humping the crazy whore. But Dr. Gray does manage to leave them something that probably doubles as another "fuck you" of sorts. In the last issue, we got a quick glimpse into the history of the proto-mutants, namely from a figure known as Ister. He's the reason why the X-men were able to find Dr. Gray. Ister also had a sister. Well, Dr. Gray wasn't content to just fuck up Ister, he left his dead sister behind as well. Colossus takes her in his arms and reflects a bit on how she was ill-suited for both worlds she was a part of. It's tragic, but in a more poetic way than just saying "Fuck, she's dead." So I credit Brian Wood for trying to inject a little Shakespearean class.


Not content to just let Dr. Gray have the last laugh, the security team takes Ister's sister and prepares a little ceremony for the both of them on a beach. It's a nice ceremony, but one that only partially distracts the reader from the fact that the battle against the proto-mutants was essentially glossed over. There was no scene showing how the X-men attempted to clean up the mess left by the proto-mutants or look further into Dr. Gray's lab. Hell, we barely got a chance to see any X-man shine against the proto-mutants. Instead, we get an overly dramatic scene where we see Psylocke still struggling with having had Ister's mind in hers. There are some subtle hints about how she's lost her ability to give more than half a fuck in Uncanny X-Force. But she does make clear that learning about the proto-mutants has affected her and will affect mutants as whole. That shit is all well and good until you remember the still haven't fucking told anybody about this shit yet.


Moreover, Storm points out during the ceremony that Dr. Gray was overly prepared for them. In any comic that's both a sign that they have something else up their sleeve that is going to come back to bite them and that they fucked up on some level. You can sense that Colossus is fighting with all his Juggernaut strength to stop himself from telling Ororo "I told you so" with respect to not calling Cyclops. You think if Emma Frost was there that Dr. Gray would have been able to off himself that quickly? Fuck, Emma Frost would make him think he's Paris Hilton's chihuahua before he could pull the trigger. Yet that conversation never comes up, much to Colossus's credit. But Storm does acknowledge it. She talks about how Cyclops trusted her to be the conscious of the team after Schism when his is clearly compromised. Boning Emma Frost will do that. Now I'm not sure how the fuck this story deals with that, but if nothing else it shows that Storm is willing to keep secrets from Cyclops and keep them well.


So much of this story and many of my drunken rants revolve around Storm's utter aversion to calling Cyclops. She seems to be trying to prove a point and the fact they lost Dr. Gray and pretty much got absolutely jack shit from this ploy of hers only proves that keeping secrets in a world with Emma Frost sleeping with Cyclops and Magneto as part of the X-men is not a good idea. So it's pretty fitting in the end that the final panel has Storm actually calling Cyclops. Again, it's almost poetic in a sense that it forces Storm to humble herself somewhat. It's something she's always been good at doing, but this particular scene definitely gives the arc a solid feeling of finality.


Some arcs have all the potential in the world to be awesome, but never fully realize that potential. Most of the time, the story ends up crashing and burning like a binge drinker who foolishly takes up his buddy's dare to enter a drag race. But some of those stories end partially satisfying. They don't qualify as being fully awesome. They're like eating only half a slice of pizza or only getting half a blowjob. It's still good, but not as awesome as you want it to be. I like Brian Wood. I think his writing style is solid and I respect what he's trying to do with this series. I just don't think he succeeds in making it as compelling as it could have been.

The issue is how the story has dragged a bit over the past few issues. There's been a lot of talk, but not much action when you get right down to it. Granted, a lot of that talking has made for some interesting drama and a lot of that drama carried over nicely into this issue. Wood ended the arc in a very appropriate manner, having Storm call Cyclops after having made such a big deal about keeping him out of the loop. The problem was the confrontation with David Michael Gray and how abrupt it was. Granted, it was quite a twist to just have him kill himself. He clearly had other forces at work and I'm not just talking about a chemical imbalance in his brain. But the battle against the X-men and the proto-mutants didn't come off as all that epic. Hell, it wasn't even partially epic like you want the final battle in every arc to be. It just ended. It wasn't sloppy or poorly handled. It was just too short and bland. It's like the diet Coke of endings rather than a Coke Zero.

I kept with this series because I liked how Brian Wood was developing this story, focusing more on character issues rather than just conjuring random conflicts and throwing the X-men into them. This one drew on issues that have been lingering since Schism and highlighted them in a way that probably should have been done six months ago. He still manages to capture the dramatic elements well, but without the kind of action that leaves the desired impact you're still left underwhelmed even if you weren't disappointed. As such, I give X-men #33 a 3 out of 5. The potential is still there. Wood hasn't thrown it away and if nothing else, he showed that he's got a vision for this series and that vision has the potential to be pretty damn awesome. Hopefully the other half of that pizza/blowjob emerges in future arcs. Nuff said!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Xtreme X-men #1 - Xtreme Multiverse Awesome


It's no secret that Marvel has an abundance of alternate universes. Hell, Marvel has alternate universes in the same way Homer Simpson has a drinking problem. It's as broad and diverse as whatever the brilliant minds at Marvel can come up with and/or whatever exotic substances they can get their hands on. We've had alternate realities where mutants are shoved into concentration camps and hunted by sentinels (Days of Futures Past), another alternate reality where mutants are shoved into concentration champs and hunted by sentinels (Ultimate X-men, which is basically just one prolonged rip-off of Days of Futures Past among other things), and another reality where mutants rule over humans under Magneto's magnetic personality (House of M). You would think that would be enough alternate realities for Marvel to explore, but I'm sure everyone at Marvel would only laugh at the notion before calling security for stalking them in a Hulk costume. Like naked photos of Jessica Alba, you just can't get enough.

A new and exotic alternate universe was recently birthed from the womb of Greg Pak. While he's best known for having the Hulk wage war on the entire Marvel universe, he also had a brief run on Astonishing X-men where he introduced a universe where Magneto has decimated the world to the point where it's literally falling apart and Charles Xavier has lost his fucking mind in his effort to hold it together. During his brief run, Pak had 616 Cyclops travel to this crumbling world and free end Xavier's plan to hold the world together by sacrificing mutants from parallel universes. It's exactly as twisted as it sounds. He also took some time to swap spit with Storm, but that's another story.

Now Greg Pak is back to revisit this crumbling world he birthed in the pages of a relaunched series, Xtreme X-men. That's right, the series where Chris Claremont explored subtle hints of lesbian attraction between Storm and Jean Grey is back and with a new premise. I'm not sure how much lesbian attraction Pak will employ, but I'll assume it'll be no more than the required allotment dictated by their Disney overlords. The world that 616 Cyclops left behind is still falling apart. Now Xtreme X-men promises to follow Captain James Howlett (alternate Wolverine), Emmeline Frost-Summers (alternate Emma Frost), and Kurt Waggoner (alternate Nightcrawler who looks suspiciously like the Nightcrawler in X-men Evolution) as they fight to save a world that Magneto fucked up.

Mr. Pak doesn't skip a beat in picking up where he left off with his Astonishing X-men arc. Wolverine and Emmeline are rallying what few X-men they have to protect the petrified human population as their world prepares to fall apart faster than Tiger Wood's squeaky clean image. They try to get some form of guidance by linking up all the floating heads of alternate dimension Charles Xaviers that were used to bring mutants into this broken world. Again, it's as fucked up as it sounds. They either need to find a way to fix this crumbling world or find a new universe to crash. It's like having a choice between fixing the toilet that's overflowing with shit in your apartment or crashing with a friend. I think we all know which we prefer.


And like trying to fix an overflowing toilet by repeatedly flushing it, these alternate world X-men manage to overload the elaborate array of Xavier heads. It seems like an inefficient and foolish way to solve a global problem, but when the world around you is literally falling apart sometimes the smartest thing you can do is bang on the machine you're relying on to save you and hope it does something. I'm sure it fails 99.99999999 percent of the time, but in this instance it "works" to a point. That is, if you call "work" creating a new portal that's supposed to accommodate over 6 billion people that are probably still in the process of shitting themselves.


So this alternate world is more fucked than a porn star in a dildo factory. But 616 for all it's schismed X-men and regularly besiged Avengers is still in one piece. Like his Astonishing X-men arc, Greg Pak seeks to link up 616 with this new world he's created. But instead of utilizing Cyclops when he's in an emo mood, he focuses on a pretty blonde with a beautiful singing voice who also plays guitar. For some reason, I'm pretty sure most of the male readers won't disagree with that. Dazzler, who has been somewhat of a tertiary X-man in the X-books, is enjoying the normal sights of San Francisco, which include a man dressed in drag with very little shame to spare impersonating her. But she doesn't seem to mind and uses it as an opportunity to flirt with a cute guy. Because let's face it, even special clams need a few pearls inside them every once in a while.


Unfortunately, Dazzler doesn't get a chance to measure the bulge in her new beau's pants. She's called upon by Cyclops to help Madison Jefferies and Danger with an experiment involving the Ghost Box. You can probably see where this is going. You might as well put put the Grateful Dead in a room full of cocaine. You know what's going to happen. For those of you who skipped the Astonishing X-men arc that introduced the Ghost Box (and you would be forgiving for doing so), all you need to know is it does to the space time continuum what Michelle Bauchman does to the credibility of the Tea Party. Madison Jefferies needed an influx of energy and he figured he would have better luck if a beautiful woman was the source. I can honestly find no flaw in such logic.


Even with sound logic, the Ghost Box does what it does best and anally rapes the space time continuum. Since this is the same gizmo that transported Cyclops to the crazy realm of a million Xavier heads, it's not entirely coincidence that it links up with that other massive glory hole that was torn in the other universe. It causes Emmeline, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler to tumble into the 616 world. However, it also causes a tentacle monster to follow them as well because apparently tentacle monsters are attracted to dimensional portals in the same way Donald Trump is attracted to European models. It's not quite as random as it sounds. It would be if there was a shitty explanation for it, but that comes a bit later. For now, Dazzler decides that since no one in the other X-books will let her demonstrate her awesome, she'll try to close the dimensional portal herself since she's the one that opened it. Again, it's not flawed logic. But even sound logic can be pretty fucked up.


It ends only slightly as messy as you would expect. No, it doesn't cause the universe to explode or cite any Back to the Future references for the 285983474239875th time. It just pulls the three dimensionally challenged X-men back into the portal and Dazzler goes with them. This is where we actually do get an explanation for that tentacle monster that looks like it was lifted from the set of a Japanese anime porno. That creature isn't just any phallic-metaphor monster that strikes fear into all girls who dress in school girl uniforms. It's actually Charles Xavier from one of the other universes. That's right, there is a universe where Xavier is a giant squid-like monster. I'm assuming it's the same universe where Magneto is a massive collection of vaginas, but I suppose they can't show that at Marvel. What with being owned by Disney and all. But since this version of Wolverine is immune to telepathy (that's another trait this squid-Xavier has), he's able to send him back to that big sushi bar in the sky.


Once girls in school uniforms everywhere can safely uncross their legs, Dazzler gets to know her new alternate reality X-men. This is where Greg Pak's knack for dialog and wit really shines. We get some interesting hints that the Dazzler that Emmeline knows is less dazzling and more lurid. Perhaps she has a nickname like the Squirter, Assplug, or the Titonator. Okay, those are all titles in my porno collection, but infinite universes mean infinite possibilities, right? Kid Nightcrawler's world seems slightly less lurid. He claims his world is called the United States of California and Dazzler is a world famous accordion player. Picture that for a minute. Not just Dazzler playing the accordion, but a world where California runs the government. I imagine it's run by celebrities and rapidly defaulting on debt. Wait...okay, maybe it's not that different anyways.

I bring this up because it's a novel and much smoother way to explain these details without turning the story into a documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman. One of the things consistently awesome comic book writers tend to do is actually work the exposition into the story in between action scenes. It's not an easy thing to do, but Greg Pak (who kicked ass on Hulk for years mind you) shows off his ability to do so right here. Now it would have been much nicer if he included some of the other alternate characters he introduced like Storm and Armor. They just seemed to flat out disappear after the first page. But it's good he's exploring some of these characters and putting Dazzler in an awkward position in the process. But then again, she recently saw a guy in drag singing her songs. I imagine awkward is a relative term for her.


They eventually settle down and address the floating head Xavier that Kid Nightcrawler has been carrying around with him since the initial jump. He claims that by overloading all the dimensional gizmos that were used to keep their world in one piece, they've awakened countless other evil Xavier's not unlike the walking tentacle rape monster they just faced. And they need to hunt those Xaviers down and kill them before they start nosing around the dimensional gate. Dazzler is a little uncomfortable with the prospect of killing other Xaviers, but given her limited options and being at the mercy of a floating head she has to go along with it. I think there's a message here about following disembodied heads. I'm not sure how useful that message is, but I'm sure it's somewhere on Disney's list of morals to teach young children.

With guidance from the Xavier head, he takes his new team of dimensional hopping X-men through another gateway. Having just faced a tentacle monster, you would think they would be ready for anything. They end up in a world where Xavier and a few other notable Marvel figures have gotten way too much into Greek mythology because they welcome these dimensional travels with the same warmth as a North Korean envoy welcomes democracy protesters. How much worse is it than a tentacle monster? Well, we'll have to wait until the next issue to find out.


Xtreme X-men is not billed as being the same book it was under Chris Claremont. It's a unique book with a unique premise that allows it to operate without diving too deep in the shit storm continuity of the other X-books. In that sense it's a lot like Uncanny X-Force in that it involves 616, but it doesn't deal with the events in 616 directly. The added universe hopping also gives it a very Exiles-like feel, which if you're a fan of that series that was painfully canceled in it's prime should have a deep appreciation for what Greg Pak is doing here. You don't even have to read his Astonishing X-men arc. The first few pages pretty much set you up with the premise and the story unfolds from there. And by and large, it's a pretty awesome story.

It's a story that combines universe-hopping sci-fi with some clever wit, stunning visuals, and memorable dialog. The mental image of Dazzler playing the accordion or the state of California running America is enough to make this comic worth buying alone. It's a little disorganized at times. If you skip just one page of this issue, you'll be more lost than Paris Hilton at a lecture on quantum mechanics. In addition, the very premise of there being infinite universes makes it seem as though the solution to the problem with this broken Earth is too easy. Anyone who can even begin to wrap their head around infinite (a hit of acid helps) understands that there are more than enough prospective worlds for this broken world to inhabit. You don't get the sense that there are other sub-plots developing or any deeper friendships forming. That and the absence of Armor and Storm were a little off-putting.

However, Xtreme X-men #1 is still a solid introduction to an exciting and exotic new X-book. Greg Pak's talent for telling more sci-fi type stories really shines here. The characters are lovable and the action is engaging. You just can't go wrong with tentacle monsters. It's not a series that will overshadow the big events currently going on in the regular X-books with Avengers vs. X-men. It's also not a book that will match the drama or grit of Uncanny X-Force. But if you love alternate worlds, universe hopping, or just have an itch that only Exiles used to be able to reach then there's plenty to love about this comic. I give Xtreme X-men #1 a 4 out of 5. Greg Pak has undergone the labor pains of birthing a new X-men universe. Now it's time to wipe away the placenta, cut the umbilical chord, and enjoy this beautifully Xtreme baby. Nuff said!