X-men #1 - Girl Powered Awesome

Between Marvel NOW and DC’s New 52, I think I speak for most fans when I say I’m getting burned out by all these relaunches and not in a good way. I don’t mind being burned out on tequila or weed. At least when you’re blacked out on that shit you either have a chance at getting laid or becoming famous on the internet. Just ask David Hasselhoff. Marvel has overhauled so many of their books, relaunching nearly every major title to the point where there’s only one book numbering in the triple digits (X-Factor) and that book is ending as well. So what could possibly make yet another relaunched title appealing?

Four words: all female X-men team. That’s right, Marvel. When in doubt, throw a bunch of tits into a series. Yes, it’s shallow. Yes, it will piss off the feminists out there. But if you’re honest about your love of tits or the fact that women in comics have them, you’ll see the appeal. Because that’s what Brian Wood is giving us in a relaunched adjectiveless X-men title. He already showed some potential when he wrote towards the latter end of the previous adjectiveless series. But at that point there were too few fucks left to give on the part of fanboys and the series ended.

Now some of you may be sober enough to remember that we already had a reluanched ajectiveless X-men a few years ago when Victor Gischler tried to cash in on the vampire craze with Curse of the Mutants. I’m not sure if I have enough brain cells to recall, but it did have its moments. The most lasting impression this series did in my drunken opinion was turn Jubilee into a vampire and do it in a way so that she didn’t become Bella fucking Swan.

But along the way, Jubilee faded into the background once more and hasn’t been active in recent X-men events. Well now Brian Wood is promising to bring her back into the fold with a team of X-women that include Rogue, Rachel Grey, Kitty Pryde, Storm, and Psylocke. It’s a premise that is the basis for no fewer than thirty percent of the masturbation fantasies among male X-men fans and gay female X-men fans. There are enough books involving characters with dicks. So why not give the ladies a shot at captivating readers in ways beyond mere boners?

This new series promises to give Brain Wood a fresh start with the X-men and his “no dicks allowed” policy already gives it a unique backdrop to work with. It's a little vague at first in that it gives a brief lesson in the history of life that would make a creationist's head explode. We don't know who is narrating yet (but it is revealed later on), but he basically explains how there were two siblings of primordial goop in the early days of the planet. And one of those siblings was an asshole in that it cast the other one out so that it could be the Darwinian life seed of the planet. It proves once again that fighting with your siblings isn't just natural. It's a biological imperative.

Skip the rest of the biology lesson and give creationists a moment to clean their brains off the floor and we meet up with our old gal pal, Jubilee. Last we saw her, she joined a team of vampires to learn how to be Twilight style hippies that don't kill other humans, minus the fucking sparkling. Well someone must have had some kick ass blow since then because now Jubilee is on her own, on the run, and caring for an infant. Where did this infant come from and why is it so adorable? That's not clear, but what is clear is that someone is after her and it isn't MTV looking to make another reality show. Or maybe it is and if that's the case, both the X-men and the Avengers need to beat the shit out of whoever is running MTV these days.

I've often noted the parallels between the Jean Grey Institute and my old high school. And at times I admit those comparisons may be a little extreme, but one thing I do credit Marvel with doing since they introduced the Jean Grey Institute is including some bits of realism. It is a school and as such, it has all the crazy shit you would expect to find in a school. That includes teenagers beating each other up for no reason aside from looking at each other cross-eyed. That's what happens with Mercury and Bling, which Rachel Grey has to come in and break up. Two teenagers beating each other up in the pages of an X-men comic may seem trivial, but for anyone who has survived high school, it's as real as last Thursday.

In addition to evoking painful memories of high school, this scene introduces us to the core cast of X-women that will be making up this estrogen-laden team. They're not giddy school girls talking about how hot Robert Pattinson looked in the last Twilight movie. They're teachers and administrators trying to run a school. Teenage mutants make that difficult in the same way quantum mechanics makes physics a pain in the ass. Then they get a call from Jubilee and they have an entirely new pain in the ass to deal with.

After arriving via plane from Europe, Jubilee hops a train. And some creepy R. Kelly motherfucker is following her every step of the way. So rather than just wait at the train station like reasonable adults, the X-women say "fuck it!" and hop the train themselves. Why? Because they fucking can, that's why. Rogue, Kitty Pryde, and Storm use their powers in simple yet effective ways to board the train, all while ensuring none of the passengers so much as spills their coffee. Kitty is the first one to meet Jubilee and reacts as most would expect to react when they see a teenage girl with a baby.

Once Rogue and Storm catch up, Jubilee offers an explanation that's only slightly more believable than a teenage girl that says the condom broke and the abortion clinic was closed for nine months. Apparently, this baby is an orphan like her. She rescued her from an orphanage that was the site of some terror bombing and/or a meteorite and/or Dr. Doom being too bored with internet porn. Now she's on the run because that creepy R. Kelly motherfucker earlier is after her and she believes the only way to protect the baby is at the Jean Grey Institute.

It's a welcome touch of novelty because usually when a story involves a teenage girl and a baby, it's either a reality show or some anti-sex bullshit from the religious right that is trying to control women's vaginas. But what makes it more compelling is that Jubilee is an orphan as well. She has a connection with this baby and it shows in how she treats it. Wood and Oliver Coipel's art conveys that sense of drama nicely and that sort of shit is rare in an X-book not written by Brian Michael Bendis. But as is often the case with babies and teenage girls, there is often more to the story than it seems. And it shows in the way the baby seems to fuck with the train's electronics.

As adorable as the baby may be, she managed to fuck up the whole train just by touching the speaker system. It finally forces a little action into this issue in the form of a train going out of control like a drunk Jeff Gordon on the New Jersey Turnpike. It allows Rogue to finally do more than just bitch at the Scarlet Witch like she has been doing in Uncanny Avengers and stop the train in a nicely drawn out action sequence. Yes, it's somewhat basic. Stopping a renegade train in the Marvel universe is akin to a cop citing a drunk for public urination. But given that this time the train was derailed by a fucking baby, I think that adds a little more intrigue. As if we didn't need enough reasons to not want to sit near a baby on a train.

While some of the all-female cast is busy meeting up Jubilee, the R. Kelly motherfucker that has been stalking her does something completely unexpected. He flies to the Jean Grey Institute and surrenders. They don't even try to tear his balls off or threaten to throw his brain in a blender. He just up and surrenders. In the process, we find out that said motherfucker is John Sublime. For those of you who missed the pop quiz last week, John Sublime isn't exactly a man or a mutant. He's a glorified pack of primordial goo that occasionally takes the form of a guy who looks like he should be a registered sex offender. But beyond his creep factor, he does offer an explanation that ties in nicely with that creationist-killing prologue from earlier.

Once Rachel and Psylocke contain him in a completely non-pornographic way, he explains that his sister has returned. And his sister happens to be that other blob of protoplasmic goo that he kicked out a billion years ago. And anyone who has ever had a sibling knows that no amount of time heals the vindictive wounds of an angry sibling. Now she's back and he's probably shitting whatever primordial goo shits. He also mentions that she can possess machines the way he possesses people. So that little trick with the train is now even more distressing.

But as Rachel and Psylocke are interrogating Sublime, Jubilee arrives at the institute with the baby in hand and doesn't seem to know that this baby just derailed a train. She gets a warm welcome from her fellow X-men and a nice clean room. The baby, however, wasn't content with just derailing a train. Sublime also makes clear that his sister is dangerous and he's not equipped to handle her, which I'm guessing is code for him being too lazy as well. And the baby shows that by using Jubilee's cell phone to pull off more mischief. Because kids just can't be satisfied with a little destruction. They have to go all out to satisfy their ADHD mentality.

Sublime makes clear that the X-men are making a big fucking mistake by not locking that baby in a cell next to Loki. And the baby ends up proving him right by using Jubilee's cell phone to access Hank's lab. And from there, Sublime's sister with a billion-year grudge emerges in the body of Omega Sentinel. That body also takes a female form, which is entirely appropriate given the context of this story. It's a form that might or might not give you boner, but it makes clear that Sublime isn't entirely bullshitting the X-men when he says that this is a dangerous new threat and they're royally fucked if they don't do something about it. And isn't that key in any new comic series? Setting up a situation that threatens that one or many will be utterly fucked?

Usually when women are at main characters of a story, the plot either revolves around men they want to bone/marry, clothes, looks, or the Spice Girls. Feminazis have been pointing it out for years and there is some kernel of truth to it. A lot of these stories basically portray women as a walking ball of hormones obsessively seeking their own version of Ryan Gosling to make babies with when they're not shopping for a new dress that they may or may not wear more than once. Even as someone with a working penis, I find that pretty fucking bland. So reading X-men #1 with its all-female X-men cast was refreshing in that it gave the X-men's most prominent female characters an awesome story that gave the finger to typical stereotypes while also giving me a raging boner.

Brian Wood's work on the X-books always showed potential, but being able to start fresh with a new team on a book with a very different premise has finally realized that potential. He didn't just bring Jubilee back into the fold. He added some genuine emotion into the story along with a touch of dry humor about the frustrations that come along with running a school of teenage mutants and time displaced X-men. I may come off as an unfeeling drunk at times, but get a few beers in me or a few good joints and I'm capable of genuine feeling. Other than All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, not many X-books give me that feeling that Donald Trump probably gets when someone writes him a check for eight figures. I found myself actually caring about this mystery baby and Jubilee's struggles to take care of a child. And she didn't even need a fucking reality show on MTV to make it compelling. That along makes X-men #1 a win.

This issue was a solid first issue in that it didn't just establish a new cast. It established a new threat with John Sublime and his sister that the X-women are now caught up in. It's the kind of threat that is different from what they face in the other X-books, yet you don't get the sense that it's trying to capitalize on a fad like the last X-men #1 kept trying to capitalize on the vampire craze. Well Twilight is over, Kristen Stewart's career is in the shitter, and fans are hungry for something different. And this book delivers that something that provides a new avenue for awesome.

It would be too easy for a book featuring only X-women to become nothing more than a poor man's Playboy or jerk off material for teenage boys with no internet connection and no underwear magazines. But Wood made the story compelling and that has elevated this book in ways that make it a worthy relaunch for a series with a concept that should keep the National Organization for Woman from bitching at Marvel for more than once a month. The only thing keeping this issue from being perfect is the lack of explanations on what Jubilee has been up to since she joined her vampire crew. It's not even clear in this issue that she is still a vampire. I'm not sure if Brain Wood is going to explore that in future issues, but for now he's set up a foundation as hard as my dick. And for that, I give X-men #1 a 4.5 out of 5. Ladies and effeminate men, this is the book you've been waiting for. It's an all-female crew dealing with more than just all-female problems. More than anything else, this comic proves that unless you're Cyclops, you don't need a penis to get the job done. Nuff said!

Marvel Infinite Comics Announcement - More is Awesome!

A week ago, Marvel cruelly teased fans again by giving them reasons to endlessly drone on the possibility of a New 52 style reboot. I imagine for some fanboys that's like getting an overdue boob job or putting down a dog. Now I pointed out how fucking retarded a reboot would be after the Marvel NOW! relaunch, but that didn't stop some from speculating endlessly when they saw this.

Well over the weekend while I was sleeping off a hangover, Marvel finally added some clarity while dashing the hopes of some fans who constantly bitch about the need for a reboot. But even they have to admit that the announcement was still pretty awesome. Avengers vs. X-men sucked the asshole of a constipated rhino, but it introduced something called Infinite Comics and those comics were pretty fucking awesome. In an era where people value their smart phone almost as much as they value their liver, it makes perfect sense to create comics that are perfectly adapted to the digital medium. Well now Marvel is taking that shit a step further! And this is how:

SXSW 2013: Marvel Infinite Comics

Today at the South By Southwest Interactive Festival in Austin, Texas, Marvel announced the addition of weekly Infinite Comics to their publishing slate. These comics treat mobile devices as a new canvas and that take advantage of the technological opportunities inherent in them. Fans have gotten a taste of this format before with the AVENGERS VS. X-MEN and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Infinite Comics, but this new initiative promises to push the burgeoning medium to new places.

“What we’re doing with Infinite Comics is developing a new language for telling comic book stories," says Marvel Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso. “We’re getting more and more sophisticated as we move along. We see a progress with each venture, and an expanding of capabilities. The technology improves and allows us to do things that we weren’t able to do before."

Four leading Marvel characters will receive their own 13-part, weekly Infinite Comic story, totaling up to 52 weeks of new Infinite Comics, one released every Tuesday. WOLVERINE: JAPAN'S MOST WANTED kicks off the program, written by Jason Aaron and Jason Latour, with art by Paco Diaz. The latest Wolverine epic begins on July 9, providing a perfect jumping on point for anyone who enjoys this summer's film, "Wolverine."

The Infinite Comic marks seminal Wolverine writer Jason Aaron's return to the character's solo adventures.

“The reason we’ll be involving the monthly writer of each of these comic book stories we’re going to be telling through Infinite is that they’re all part of continuity," explains Alonso. "You know it’s as relevant to that particular character as anything you’ll find on the comic book stands that Wednesday."

The subjects of the subsequent Infinite Comics series remain under wraps for now.
“It’s not that certain characters are better in print and others aren’t," explains Peter Phillips, the Senior Vice President & General Manager of Marvel’s Digital Media Group. "I think this is an alternative way of storytelling. This is always about using digital for continued innovation. We’re always trying to extend that conversation with and for our fans."

"We’re at the forefront of developing a new language for comics," continues Alonso. "If we go back to the way comics were told, it started with a horizontal strip of panels and evolved into a comic book page. [Then] you could go vertical or horizontal and page design was a part of the process. Now we’ve taken it to the tablet and the handheld media and you’re seeing how, even in a short year or so that we’ve been doing [Infinite Comics], how we’re evolving this and getting better."

Marvel's New #1 Teaser - What Could It Be?!

I'll accuse Marvel of a lot of crazy shit, but I'll never accuse their marketing and PR people as being lazy. It seems we can't go more than a few weeks without them teasing something that will tear the Marvel universe several new assholes. I've done posts on teasers before and usually they're just vague enough to get you scratching your head. But every now and then they do one that is so perplexing that if it were an anime it would induce lethal seizures. This is one of them and it is only summed up as a big ass #1.

Marvel Promises "HUGE Story" With "Marvel" #1 Teaser

So what the hell could it be? First off, let's state clearly what it is and that's another excuse for Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic book. I've already pointed this out many times before and fans continue to roll their eyes for some reason whenever it's vindicated multiple times. Books with #1 on them sell and until they stop selling, Marvel and DC will continue to churn out books with this magical number that allows them to get more money without having to do any additional work. Speaking on behalf of stoners everywhere, I can say without hestiation that there is inherent worth to such tactics. The folks at Marvel need stripper and booze money too.

But beyond what we know, what the fuck could this #1 entail? It listed a wide range of Marvel characters, some major and some minor and some pissant little redhead that should be dead by now. Is this a new series or some new event spinning right out of Age of Ultron? It's hard to tell, but fuck if I'm not intrigued. I'm sure that's exactly how Marvel planned it. A big ass #1 is all it takes for us brainless consumers to get interested. I want to be ashamed, but I'm too intrigued to give a shit. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #1 - A Revolution In Awesome

A few years back I was at a funeral and after I had a few glasses of wine in me (or 20), I made a joke about a guy who put fire crackers in his ass and walked into a gay bar. I don't remember the details, but I do remember pissing a lot of people off because the deceased in question had died from an unfortunate accident at a fireworks stand. The guy's brother, who also had some wine in him, yelled, "Too soon!" and threw an empty wine bottle at me. The resulting bar fight got us kicked out of the funeral home/pool hall/tire care center. But a valid point was made. Sometimes you do have to wait a bit before you can be politically incorrect with your sense of humor again. I don't agree with it, but it spares us the indignity of being sued and a hefty bar tab.

The same logic applies to relaunched comic books. Like a bad joke about fireworks at a funeral, a relaunched series can come way too fucking soon if it was recently ended in a way that was anything but definitive. This goes double for when a series was already relaunched in the same span of time that can be covered by a couple of seasons of the Walking Dead. Ever since DC made relaunching the sexy thing to do, everyone seems to be trying to whore themselves out to the trend. Like parachute pants, the macarana, and the crocs certain trends in comics are a slave to gimmicks.

This is why I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I heard that Marvel was relaunching Uncanny X-men again. It really wasn't that long ago, even to a drunk that blacks out ever Friday night, that Marvel ended one of its longest running ongoing books with Uncanny X-men #544. I actually reviewed the damn book and thought it was a beautifully definitive ending to a landmark series. And when it was relaunched again as Uncanny X-men #1 under Kieron Gillen, I also reviewed that shit and thought the bar was raised even higher. But after only 20 fucking issues, it ended again so that it could be relaunched yet again as part of Marvel NOW!

Now let's not kid ourselves. Marvel wouldn't do this shit if it didn't work on some levels. They noticed with DC that comic fans are stupid enough to buy extra copies of any book so long as it has that magical #1 on the cover. I don't like it and it speaks very poorly of fanboys everywhere, but the sales speak for themselves and I'm not in a position to bitch about the basic rules of economics. Marvel and DC need to turn a profit and if these bullshit gimmicks work, they would be irresponsible to their yuppie shareholders if they didn't milk that teat until it was whithered and dry.

Relaunching Uncanny X-men again really isn't necessary. Uncanny X-men #20 ended with Cyclops and his Extinction Team in ruin. But since then, he's busted out of prison and rebuilt his team under a new revolutionary motto. It's put him on the shit list of the Avengers and his own fellow X-men, so much so that Beast fucked with the space time continuum to bring back the Original Five X-men. It suddenly make Cyclops admit that he was a douche, but it did set the stage for a new direction for his team. It could easily be a continuation of what Kieron Gillen started. However, I know and Marvel knows that they'll make a fuckton more money by relaunching it. So I guess for the sake of Marvel's profits and the cocaine-fueled orgies it provides for, Marvel is relaunching a new era of Uncanny X-men and Cyclops has yet another new team to lead.

Uncanny X-men #1 begins this new era by reminding readers that the X-men were fucked over with a cosmic sized dildo by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. SHIELD and the Avengers still consider Cyclops a fugitive because for some reason making a global utopia became a crime at some point. And to find him, they’ve found a mysterious and unrevealed figure who was captured and is willing to talk without their lawyer present. Apparently, this person hasn’t been arrested for public intoxication enough to know that the constitution can be your friend and can piss off those in uniform. But this person doesn’t seem to give a shit. After Maria Hill makes doubly sure that this person has been checked and searched in ways that even the TSA would find intrusive, she sits down with him to have a little chat. We don’t know who this person is, but since Bendis did indicate in earlier teasers that someone would betray Cyclops, readers should have a tiny inkling. Whether that inkling is correct or the result of sniffing too much paint thinner remains to be seen, but will be revealed soon enough.

The ominous figure basically gives Maria Hill and the readers by default an overview of their situation. The mutant population is growing faster than herpes at a Tijuana crack house and since the world is ill-equipped to deal with them, Cyclops has taken charge as the de-facto voice of this new generation. He’s no self-loathing Kurt Cobain either, despite being a fugitive and having killed Charles Xavier. He’s taking on a very revolutionary role, seeking to confront those who get boners from harassing mutants and forcing them to find other ways to jerk off. And while Cyclops may be a criminal in the eyes of SHIELD and the Avengers, he’s seen as a hero by many mutants and even a few humans.

We already saw hints of this in All New X-men #7 when a cute little bank teller showed her support for mutants by helping O5 Cyclops (and possibly wanting to bone him). But the whole notion that not everyone agrees with the Avenger’s official story of “Cyclops is evil because he tried to make a global utopia.” He’s still a hero in the eyes of many and that’s a good thing because the way Avengers vs. X-men ended made so little sense that the NFL has placed it in the same category as a concussion in terms of head injuries. It also adds some balance to Cyclops’s revolutionary approach. It shows that his approach actually is resonating with people and there’s not a damn thing that SHIELD or the Avengers can do about it.

As the mysterious traitor is explaining to SHIELD how fucked they are, we shift to events that apparently happened before this little interview. It’s a fairly typical scene in terms of an X-men story. A young mutant named Fabio (not to be confused with the guy women in the 90s fantasized about during sex) has manifested new powers that involve him shooting these strange looking balls from his body. There are just so many dick jokes I can make from that so I’ll take an extra shot of whiskey to hold back for now. The point here is that like the other new mutants in All New X-men, this unfortunate young man can’t control his powers and rather than help him the police decide to taze his unlucky ass. It’s the kind of thing we’ve seen in X-men comics many times before, but since this is a new #1 for Uncanny X-men it isn’t just appropriate for this issue. It’s almost as necessary as a beautiful woman with kinky sexual proclivities in a James Bond movie.

Since these cops have clearly decided that shit like due process and justice doesn’t apply to mutants, Cyclops and his team of revolutionaries show up to give them a brief lesson in the constitution. And unlike the boring civics classes we all took in high school, this one involves a hot Australian chick fucking with time. This is the same hot Australian chick from the first issue of All New X-men. Only now, she goes by the code-name Tempus and under Cyclops’s guidance she’s learned to control her powers to the point where she can create a big ass dome of space that would make Einstein himself proud. It allows them to subdue the authorities without making it hurt, which may be disappointing to anyone who ever got one too many bullshit traffic tickets. But at least it’s more efficient than their previous methods of just blowing shit up and it helps make a better impression on Fabio, who Cyclops attempts to help.

But as is often the case in any mission involving the X-men, killer robots show up. Now it’s not even hinted at by the mysterious traitor or anything for that matter where the fuck these sentinels came from and who sent them. I guess they’re available in every Wal-Mart or something because for some reason they’re able to just show up right where the X-men happen to be and fuck with them. This wouldn’t be too big a deal under most circumstances, but as was also revealed in All New X-men and repeatedly mentioned in the issue itself Cyclops’s team is operating with powers that have been utterly shat on by the Phoenix Force. Emma doesn’t have her telepathy. Cyclops can’t control his blasts. And Magneto doesn’t have the power to turn these robots into giant dildoes anymore.

It’s an important detail to reinforce because not only was this story first mentioned in All New X-men, but it adds a very difficult complication to Cyclops’s mission. It’s also a very stark shift from what they dealt with under Kieron Gillen. Before Avengers vs. X-men, Cyclops’s team wielded the kind of power that could take on a Celestial that had been hot wired by Sinister and come out largely intact. Now they’re powers are fucked up and they can barely handle typical sentinels, which forces them to improvise in the battle. Yet they still remain focused on helping the mutant. It provides a very different set of circumstances that helps make this book truly feel like a new #1.

Yet while their powers may be fucked up, that doesn’t mean they can’t pack a punch. As the mysterious traitor so eloquently narrates, Cyclops’s team was able to subdue to Sentinel attack and in a way so flashy you won’t find it outside a Lady Gaga concert. Cyclops, despite his powers being fucked up, manages to unleash a massive optic blast that effectively destroys the Sentinels and leaves him feeling like he just had a three way with Emma Frost and Jean Grey. He says it felt good and why shouldn’t it? When did destroying giant robots stop feeling good? But it does hint that his powers are more messed up than we think and if it can somehow lead to the destruction of more Sentinels, then the folks at SHIELD are even more fucked than they initially thought.

But enough with the ominous hints! Who the fuck is this traitor that knows so much about this battle? Well first off, he makes a clear point that it would be stupid to try and just kill Cyclops with your typical unwarranted, illegal drone strike. That would only make him a martyr to mutants everywhere. The only way to beat him is to humiliate him publically in a way that can only be matched by having him shit himself while wearing a dress during the halftime show at the Superbowl. And who is in the best position to do that? How about fucking Magneto?

Yep! He’s the traitor. The guy who used to try to kill the X-men at least once a week has betrayed Cyclops. Excuse me while I act more unsurprised than I did when I found out one of the members of N’sync was gay. He claims that he’s pissed at Cyclops for killing Charles Xavier and fucking up his powers. His powers I can understand, but this guy used to torment Xavier like it gave him a hard-on. It’s only now that someone else has succeeded that he’s pissed? I find that to be pretty fucked up logic, but I think him being pissed about his powers more than makes up for it. I won’t say this is a big twist by any stretch because it’s fucking Magneto. But I will say that it is perfectly appropriate given the context of this book.

So in the end this new era of X-men begins with a sentinel attack, fucked up powers, new mutants, a traitor in the team, and a bald Magneto. It’s basically a pretty typical Thursday night in the Marvel universe where someone brought one too many kegs. The challenge for any comic that slaps a #1 on the front cover is to actually make it feel like a #1 and not just another cheap tactic by the Marvel marketing department. I personally don’t mind when a whore takes my money so long as I get something out of it, even if it stains my bed sheets. I know some do and I would tell those people to unclench their assholes because even if it is a shameless gimmick, it can still make for an awesome product. Uncanny X-men #1 succeeded in being worthy of that #1 and it didn’t even leave a stain on my bed sheets!

After reading this issue, it really does feel like a different kind of Uncanny X-men compared to what Kieron Gillen did during his run. This is a different team with a different set of circumstances. Yet on the surface, the mission is beautifully traditional in that it gets to the most basic elements of an X-men story. A new mutant has manifested powers and the authorities only response seems to be shitting themselves and harassing them, hopefully in that order. The X-men show up to help the new mutant and shit gets a little messy when killer robots enter the picture, as they so often do.

But what set this issue apart was twist at the end. Maybe it doesn’t count as a twist because Brian Bendis already pointed out months ago when we were still eating Christmas leftovers that there would be a traitor in Cyclops’s team. Well, this is one instance where the traitor doesn’t exactly make the readers gasp like they just saw their father in a gay porno, but it does make perfect sense. Magneto being the traitor just works and his little narration with SHIELD nicely summarized the current state of mutant affairs. A first issue needs to have some level of exposition and the problem with most comics is it either becomes more boring than a Dick Cheney interview or the writers just say, “Fuck it! Bring in the killer robots!” This issue struck a solid if not poetic balance. However, Magneto being bald still makes him look like a pedophile.

While this issue succeeded in being a worthy first issue of a new era of Uncanny X-men, it did have a few prominent flaws. First and foremost, it basically ignored the events of All New X-men. We already know about Cyclops’s new revolutionary team from what happened in All New X-men. We also saw him look like a baby in a topless bar when he saw his younger self and a young Jean Grey. However, that seemed to have about as much effect on his actions in this comic as another DUI for Lindsey Lohan. Moreover, there was no mention of where the fuck he got that new X-shaped visor. I’m not channeling my inner metrosexual or anything, but he didn’t have that shit in All New X-men. So where the fuck did it come from and why wasn’t it explained? Even if you didn’t read All New X-men before you read this issue (and your tastes in comics are utterly fucked if you skipped that book), there’s still the matter of how Magneto ended up with SHIELD anyways. These are the kinds of plot holes that you just can’t cover in mud and claim it was fucked by a horny grizzly and it does make the comic feel incomplete.

Brian Michael Bendis has taken over the X-men comics in a big way. All New X-men has already established him as the man who brought Jean Grey back into the X-books without using the Phoenix. That alone would earn him free blow jobs from every hot cos-player for the rest of the year. But he’s leaving a much bigger mark with his work on Uncanny X-men. His first issue succeeded in being a first issue and in setting up this new world for Uncanny X-men. It isn’t quite as awesome as what he’s done with All New X-men, but he’s got all the necessary tools to make this every bit as awesome. I give Uncanny X-men #1 a 4 out of 5. So the revolution has begun! Cyclops isn’t boning Emma Frost anymore, but he’s still destroying giant robots and pissing Magneto off to the point where he has to shave his head. I’ve never been much for revolutions that don’t offer free booze, but I’m ready to sign up for this one! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #1 - Repackaged Awesome

It wasn't that long ago that Rick Remender launched a bold new book that emerged from the ashes of X-men: Second Coming. That book was Uncanny X-Force and it was one of those few books for which I reviewed every damn issue on this blog and did it with a hard dick in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. Very few comics have such distinction. In this day and age where for every Avengers we get a Battleship movie, we've come to not expect consistency from the people we trust to entertain us. Uncanny X-Force was one of those rare gems that kept delivering at a high level. If it were a drug, it would be so potent that the DEA would shoot users on sight out of fear that they would no longer need our corrupt modern clusterfuck of a world to be happy. And when it ended after over two dozen issues, it was sad day for comics.

But at least some of the folks who work at Marvel took basic economics so they understand that ending something won't kill the demand for it. The success of Twinkees, Jimi Hendricks, and Tupac for proof. While Rick Remender has moved onto bigger and bolder projects in Uncanny Avengers, Marvel understands that he left a large audience in withdraw from the end of Uncanny X-Force. So it's perfectly logical that they would relaunch it again as part of Marvel NOW!

This time, it's Stan Humphries at the helm. He's taken on the challenge of relaunching Uncanny X-Force under a different set of circumstances with a different cast of characters. It's not going to be the same team that Remender put together, but there will be some carry-over. Psylocke, who was by far the most fucked up by the events of Uncanny X-Force, was billed a major player. She has to do something for making up for boning Fantomex. But this comic also promises to bring in an array of new X-men, including Storm. Those are awesome ingredients to work with, but even the best ingredients can taste like shit if you don't know how to work a stove. Rick Remender set the bar pretty damn high with his run. Can Stan Humphries measure up?

The relaunched Uncanny X-Force #1 is similar to the first Uncanny X-Force #1 in that it follows up a major event for the X-men. And I’m not just talking about Avengers vs. X-men (thank Odin because I’m sick of having to reference that pile of shit), which left Storm divorced and inclined to get a new haircut (see Wolverine and the X-men #24 for an explanation of that). The end of Remender’s Uncanny X-Force has the team break up in wake of its final battle against the Brotherhood. Those events left Psylocke exceedingly pissed off and unfit to be a teacher at a school for mutant teenagers. After having boned Fantomex, who can blame her? But beyond being jaded, she reflects on how they lost control of X-Force while Storm tries to get a handle on the many lingering scars. It might have just been easier to assume she was having a bad case of PMS.

In the end, however, Wolverine ends up firing her, but not without giving her a way to work off her anger. In a quick flashback, we find that Wolverine is trying to be overly pragmatic for once and distance himself from having been part of a secret kill squad. But he still sees the need for an under-the-radar team of X-men to take on threats that are best not associated with a school. One of those threats involves a new drug that has suddenly emerged. It’s not just your typical zombie-creating bath salts either. This drug is called Tao and it’s not because it involves some mystical eastern bullshit either. It’s an acronym for “together as one” and basically what the drug does is create a hive mind from the gullible masses stupid enough to ingest it. As we’ve seen in other recent comics like Uncanny Avengers #3, a hive mind can do a lot of damage. But as someone who knows a thing or two about exotic substances, I still say it sounds like an ecstasy knock-off. And if given the choice between linking my mind with others or sweating to death while I feel like I've just banged a thousand supermodels, I'll stick with the supermodels. But that's just me.

Thankfully, Wolverine didn’t throw Psylocke into this mission blind, gagged, and drunk (there’s a 50 Shades of Grey joke in there somewhere, but I’ll save that for another review). He included a lead with this mission and Storm, sensing Psylocke is in an incredibly reckless state of mind with no non-amnesiac Angel or chocolate to sooth her, decides to tag along. That lead is actually Puck, the vertically challenged yet oh so lovable member of Alpha Flight that has been MIA from Marvel for too long. His first reaction to seeing Psylocke and Storm is to hit on them. I admit I would probably do the same thing. Once they’ve convinced him his penis is best left kept in his pants, he agrees to help them find the source of the drug. Because who wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to be on a mission with two beautiful women that involves potent mind-altering drugs? It accounts for no fewer than 85 percent of all my wet dreams.

Once they reach the club, however, they found out that the source of this drug isn’t some Pablo Escobar wannabe who saw Scarface one too many times. It’s Spiral, another character who has been MIA for quite a while. We last saw her during Matt Fraction’s Sisterhood arc. I guess she got bored serving Cyclops’s deranged disembodied S&M enthusiasts for a wife and try another venture. I suppose that after you’ve tried to dig up the body of Jean Grey, getting into the drug scene is sort of a relief.

Whatever her reasons, Psylocke makes good use of her new “fuck the world” attitude and attacks Spiral without so much as a “What the fuck are you thinking dealing drugs that aren’t any better than your typical hit of ecstasy?” It may sound brash, but it actually fits nicely with the Psylocke that Rick Remender developed so thoroughly during his run. This is a woman who is unstable and upset. Her throwing herself into a battle with this kind of bravado both makes sense and is sexy as hell. If this doesn’t give you a boner, you had best up the Viagra dosage.

Psylocke’s “fuck the world” attitude is not only in character, but it also provides a tactical advantage as well. It gets the attention of all the drugged out club-hopping douche-bags that would otherwise interfere. It allows Storm and Puck to slip behind them and make their way to the back of the club where Puck believes the drugs are kept. But like the guy who paid for a high class hooker without noticing the oversized Adams Apple on her throat, they were met with a surprise. Instead of a cache of drugs, cash, and imported German porn they found a mal-nourished little girl. At first, she looks like a prisoner. But it’s implied that she may be the source of this hive mind that fucks people up worse than an LSD trip at a Marilyn Manson concert. She proves it as well by having her drugged out friends gang up on Psylocke, Storm, and Puck. It’s not the most earth-shattering surprise, especially for an Uncanny X-Force comic. But it does help create the impression that this is the kind of shit X-Force is supposed to deal with.

Stan Humphries set the stage for a pretty awesome struggle with Psylocke, Storm, and Puck. Then for reasons that I can only attribute to a fire drill or paint fumes, the comic just changes direction completely without even a hint of a logical transition. It goes from two beautiful women and a midget Canadian fighting in a club to the return of freakin’ Bishop.

I know Humphries already announced that Bishop would be coming back prior to this issue, but fuck if his return isn’t more random than a gay clown at a Mormon temple. He doesn’t really say much. He just relishes the fact that he’s back in the past and not shitting in buckets in an apocalyptic future. That’s all he really does. There’s no hint that he’s somehow tied to this whole drug plot. He just returns out of the blue and we don’t know how the fuck it’s connected. I’m assuming that it is or will be in future issues, but I approach comics the same way I approach topless bars. I like to be teased at the very least.

If that transition wasn’t random enough, Humphries then takes the story to Paris where we catch up with Fantomex, or at least parts of him. While I’m glad he’s acknowledging the end of Remender’s Uncanny X-Force run by showing Fantomex as three different beings, the premise is even more fucked up than time travel. Both Fantomex and his female counterpart, Cluster, just finished robbing some French guy of his wine and cheese or something. Then when they’re finished, they fucking kiss. I don’t know if that’s just an obscene display of narcissism or the most elaborate form of masturbation ever, but it makes as much sense as an entire army of clowns at a Mormon temple.

Now I’m willing to overlook some inconsistencies in my comics, but this is another instance where Stan Humphries has to live in the massive shadow cast by Rick Remender. Part of what made Remender’s run so epic was his attention to detail. He found a way to really tie in the events of each issue into the whole series. It fit together so beautifully that if it were a bra, it would belong to Pamela Anderson. Humphries didn’t show that detail with this or the Bishop scene. I get why he’s bringing them into the picture, but I don’t get why he doesn’t at least attempt to connect it with the drug plot. Those are the kinds of details that keep good comics from becoming awesome and successful criminals from becoming prison bitches.

After reading this issue, I don’t think it’s fair to compare it with Rick Remender’s first issue of Uncanny X-Force. This is a different book with a different cast and a very different set of circumstances. And on many levels, it’s not even a new book. The events of this issue closely follow from the end of Rick Remender’s run. That can be good and bad in some ways because it means if you don’t know how the last issue of Uncanny X-Force ended (and the shame of a thousand cases of herpes from a transsexual hooker if you haven’t) then you’ll probably be a bit lost in this issue. Stan Humphies does a decent job of filling in the blanks, but I can see how someone who hasn’t been keeping up being more confused than a stoner watching a Matrix marathon.

But beyond the continuity of Humphries’ first issue, it has a number of other issues. While the story with Psylocke and Storm was well-developed, the other plots with Fantomex and Bishop were a bit all over the place. At times, it felt as though this comic had ADHD and someone swapped its Ritalin for caffeine pills. Don’t get me wrong. It was fun and ominous to see Bishop return from the future and Fantomex engage in what has to be the most elaborate masturbation effort in the history of the universe, but Humphries really didn’t make an effort to tie it into the overall story. I’m assuming that it’s going to come together at some point, but it sure would help if we had even a slight hint at a connection. It would also help if he didn’t use those lame censor bars when Betsy swears like an angry Brit at a soccer game, but I’m not going to go on that rant again. I don’t think my heart could handle it.

These flaws don’t detract from all the things Stan Humphries did right in this book. He clearly established all the necessary elements for this to be an X-Force book. You’ve got a rogue, disgruntled X-man in Psylocke still struggling with the shame of having boned Fantomex and a recently divorced Storm looking to take her frustrations out in ways that go beyond banging Wolverine (again, see Wolverine and the X-men #24). Together, they confront a threat that involves drugs, drug dealers, hive minds, and horrible dancing. That’s the kind of shit that X-Force is better at dealing with. It’s not the same as a creepy kid Apocalypse, but it’s close enough.

This comic is like a fresh mound of blow with a few patches of chalk dust mixed into it. You can’t get around the chalk dust, but it’ll still get you high. Uncanny X-Force #1 was as groundbreaking as it was cock-smashingly awesome when Rick Remender first introduced it. It would be a dick move to ask that Stan Humphries do the same with his Uncanny X-Force #1. He didn’t demonstrate the same talent and mind-blowing brilliance that Remender did his first time around, but he still did a good job of establishing this comic as a worthy successor. I give Stan Humphries’ Uncanny X-Force #1 a 3.5 out of 5. It’s a comic with a pissed off Asian ninja chick, a divorced weather goddess, an undersized Canadian, and a woman with six arms. Throw in a few cameras and you’ve got yourself an awesome porno, but even without the cameras it’s still awesome in its own right. Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #1 - Gritty, Flawed, and Awesome

There are some people that are just more well-suited to a particular job than the average joe. Surgeons are well-suited because of their ability to not throw up at the sight of blood, puss, and undigested food. Mechanics are well-suited because of their ability to stick their hands into the guts of a machine and know how to not lose a limb. And politicians are well-suited because of their inherent ability to bullshit large groups of people. For a team like X-Force, who prides themselves on enlisting the help of X-men with certain personality disorders, some characters are just better at it than others. They're either trained killers, sociopaths, or so emotionally damaged that the thought of blowing a hole in somebody's head only reminds them that they skipped lunch. And few characters demonstrate that capability better than Cable.

There was a time not long ago where Cable was an integral part of the X-books because he was responsible for protecting the mutant messiah that would grow up to be an annoying, pissant little brat named Hope Summers. He did his job, but had to have a little R&R from all the time-traveling, ball-busting bullshit that Hope put him through. In the Marvel universe, the only R&R anyone gets is death. And after Second Coming, he had more than his fair share. Even after he came back in X-Sanction and was fully healed from the techno-organic virus, he remained on the sidelines. Hell, he didn't even do jack shit during Avengers vs. X-men when the world hinged on Hope's ability to not fuck up. She ended up doing so anyways, ignoring some of Cable's most basic lessons such as not ditching the people who sacrifice damn near everything for you or running away when shit gets heavy. I suspect he chose not to involve himself because he knew his brains would fall out of his head for rolling his eyes so damn much. Now that he's fully rested, he finally has the strength to deal with Hope's bullshit and get back to doing what he does best in leading a team of sociopath killers and carrying big ass guns. He's basically a walking trailer for the Expendables movies.

This brings us to Cable and X-Force, one of the big Marvel NOW! titles for the X-books. It's a book that puts Cable back in his element, shifting the focus away from him having to change the diapers of an annoying Jean Grey ripoff and getting back to basics with a new X-Force. Now like the guy who prematurely ejaculates when he's with a hot prostitute, Marvel is jumping the gun here because Rick Remender's Uncanny X-Force hasn't ended yet. We still don't know the fate of the previous X-Force yet we're already getting a new one? Did All New X-men fuck with the space time continuum too much already? This may be one instance where Marvel just shrugs their shoulders and says, "It's magic. Assume Mephisto did it in exchange for more opportunities to fuck with Spider-Man." I usually despise that logic, but the promise of more X-Force and Cable being back in action is enough to make me overlook it. That and a few extra bong hits usually does the trick.

The new world of Cable and X-Force #1 has plenty to offer. It sets the tone early by jumping way ahead after Cable has recruited his full team Domino, Dr. Nemesis, and Colossus who apparently stopped whining after his sister fucked him over at the end of Avengers vs. X-men. Together, they emerge from your standard evil lair/chemical factory found in no fewer than a billion comic book plots surrounded by death and destruction. It may seem overly gritty to some, but if you know anything at all about X-Force books you know damn well that this kind of shit is obligitory in X-Force books. It would be like having a James Bond movie where he doesn't bone a hot chick. So save the bitching for something or someone more deserving!

Unfortunately for Cable's new team (for whom we have no explanation on how the fuck he got them together, mind you) that kind of death and destruction is a big no-no when it's not sanctioned by the government, the Avengers, or the voices in George W. Bush's head. This attracts the attention of the Uncanny Avengers, which makes for a nice little tie-in to the rest of the Marvel books. We usually don't get that shit in X-Force so I'll look at this as extra frosting atop a cake served right out of a war zon in Afghanistan. Havok, already pissed that Cyclops has given the Summers family a bad name, tries to get an explanation from Cable about why the fuck he's doing this at a time when mutants can't afford to be branded as terrorists. Cable's response...he shoots Havok in the face. Excuse me while I get some tissues and change my shorts.

Now usually everyone not named Dick Cheny doesn't support shooting people in the face. But after Havok proved to be a total douche in Uncanny Avengers and after doing absolutely jack shit in Avengers vs. X-men, he's more than deserving of a pounding migraine at the very least. When you bitch and moan about shit that you were perfectly capable of confronting beforehand, your whining has as much credibility as Donald Trump. Havok should consider himself lucky that being shot in the face by his nephew was all he got.

We go from a long overdue moment to a moment that could wait until the end of time for all I care. I've made no bones about my utter hatred for Hope "Jean Rip-Off" Summers. I could do no fewer than ten blog posts on all the reasons why she's the most annoying pissant little brat in X-men that wasn't created by Chuck Austin. But I understand that any story about Cable is going to involve Hope by default. He still raised her to be the annoying bratty pissant whose sole purpose as the mutant messiah was just to fucking let the Phoenix Force go once she got it. Right, like that shit requires a lifetime of training. And what did she do when the chaos was over and some of the people who sacrificed so much for her ended up in jail? She fucking left! If she wants sympathy, she'll have to pay a crack whore in withdrawal.

But I digress. Hope, despite enjoying all the comforts of having ditched the X-men and shrugging her shoulders as some of them suffer, has been trying to live a normal life at a fancy private school. Yet she still finds reasons to bitch and moan about it, which include still dealing with her mimic powers that led her to seeing one too many teenage boys naked. Fuck, hasn't this bitch discovered internet porn yet? But all she does here is piss and moan about how she's miserable when she's not getting shot at and how much she misses Cable. Cable knows this, but he keeps his distance from her as well he should. This bitch has caused him enough problems.

After checking in on Hope, he returns to his new base, which happens to be a shit hole junk yard in the middle of nowhere. It may sound like a questionable choice of residence, but when you come from an apocalyptic future I guess it's the closest you get to a Motel 6, minus the semen stains on the bed sheets. It also turns out he has a roommate in Forge. Now this is a little odd because Forge has been MIA in the X-books since the Ghost Box arc in Warren Ellis's Astonishing X-men. What the fuck has he been doing all this time and how the fuck did Cable get him to join his renegade team? We don't get an explanation unfortunately. But Cable does get a badass new cybernetic arm that shoots rockets. So it balances out.

While we don't get an explanation for how Forge ended up with Cable, we do get one for Domino and it's not just because she used to bone him (although that probably was a factor). Domino didn't seek him out or anything. She was just bored and was passing the time like she probably does on every Thursday night by going on a mission that involves infiltrating an AIM base armed with multiple layers of security, automatic sentry guns, and cybernetic dogs (not a metaphor). With her luck, it's amazing she doesn't get painfully bored by this shit. But her luck is even better this time because by the time she arrives, someone else has already done her work for her. Hope, having had shitty luck in finding Cable and being too much of a bitch to accept it, went ahead and finished Domino's mission in exchange for her help finding Cable. Since Domino would probably be too bored waiting for another life-threatening mission, she humors Hope's insufferable daddy issues.

While Domino helps Hope find Cable, he recruits another member for his team in Dr. Nemesis. Since Utopia is now defunct and the Jean Grey Institute already has an insufferable douche-bag scientist in Beast, he's out of a job. But as soon as he arrives at his junkyard base, he finds Hope there waiting for him. At first it looks like it's going to be an emotional reunion. It ends up being the kind of migraine inducing scene you won't see outside a Twilight movie. First, Hope just stands there all pissed and bratty, whining at Cable as to why the fuck he didn't come for her the moment he woke up. She's so pissed that she taps his telekinesis to kick up some shit. But all Cable has to do is give her that puppy dog look (or whatever the equivalent is for a guy as fucked up as him) and she forgives him. No explanation. No clues. He just says something incredibly bland and all is forgiven.

Now aside from this going against the utterly immutable laws of insane teenage emotional reactions, it basically avoids adding any more details as to just what the fuck has happened to Cable. The last time he was seen, he tried to kill the Avengers during X-Sanction and was completely healed from the techno-organic virus. Yet he clearly woke up and didn't see fit to help Hope out while the events of Avengers vs. X-men were ripping the world apart. You think a guy with foresight into the future would actually be useful, but fuck no! He just runs off and we don't know why. It's a very big blank and one that no awesome cybernetic arm can sufficiently overlook.

There is at least some hint as to how Cable ended up in need of new cybernetic limbs in the first place. After his reunion with Hope, he suffers a terrible headache (which is normal when dealing with Hope). However, these headaches are part of a new string of symptoms he's been dealing with since he was healed from the techno-organic virus. Dr. Nemesis and Forge try to help him, explaining that the process fucked with his internal wiring as if it wasn't fucked up enough to begin with. And in the process, it gave him brief visions of the future. And as they're assessing Cable's condition, one of those visions that Hope saw earlier manifests right on the TV screen. It's a somewhat random way to end the comic. Fuck, it doesn't even explain how the hell they ended up having to shoot Havok in the face and give the finger to the Avengers. Maybe I'm just too happy to see someone stick it to the Avengers after Avengers vs. X-men, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind an explanation for that shit. Sadly, we don't get it, leaving yet another glaring blank for this issue.

X-Force books have always had a certain gritty style to them that makes you want to drool and throw up at the same time (in a good way). For any X-Force book to be considered successful by any degree, it has to uphold that style for the same reason you don't tell Superman stories that involve Lois Lane being a crack whore. Well I can safely say with a semi-sober mind that this first issue of Cable and X-Force captures that style. From the tone to the artwork, this book definitely oozes with X-Force from all the right orifices. It involves renegade X-men doing the kind of renegade things that John Rambo, Chuck Norris, and John McClane do every other Friday. Dennis Hopeless established a clear theme for the book and overall, it's pretty damn awesome.

However, on a more detailed level this book has its share of flaws, the least of which involve a girl with red hair, green eyes, and ISN'T named Jean Grey. I won't say that Hope Summer taints every book she touches in the same way Joel Shoemacher tainted superhero movies to such an extent that it nearly destroyed the genre. She did make Generation Hope enjoyable at times. But this is one book where her presence really drags the story while fucking up what already happened in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences. I won't belabor how much Hope deserves to receive a long string of severe concussions delivered by Ray Lewis for completely ditching the X-men in Avengers vs. X-men and walking away when the very people that tried to protect her were screwed over and thrown in jail. I'll just focus on her constant whining, erratic characterization, and inability to be anything more than a Jean Grey ripoff that has since become useless.

But beyond Hope, the other major flaw of this book is the general lack of coherence in terms of what the fuck is going on and when the fuck it happens. Those are two very important aspects of any book. In the first pages, we see that Colossus is on the team and X-Force is in a situation that somehow warrants shooting Havok in the face. Now maybe I'm still pissed at Havok for being a douche in Uncanny Avengers #1, but that's pretty broad ass situation. It's clear this happens in the near future, but it isn't clear just how the fuck it gets there. In some ways that scene at the beginning is more appropriate at the end because most of the issue was about setting up X-Force as a team. And that didn't even go as smoothly as it should have. We didn't get too many hints about what Cable did when he woke up from his coma, how he convinced Forge to help him, and how he managed to set up shop in Nebraska without raising any eyebrows in a world where anyone with a Summers name has a target on their ass.

Some of these flaws can be corrected in future issues. Some, like Hope Summers, are lingering tumors that will continue to fester in this book for as long as Marvel cares to keep this outdated rip-off character breathing. But overall, the underlying premise of Cable and X-Force is well-established by Dennis Hopeless. It's just seriously lacking the details that would make it awesome. There's still time, but for this issue on its own I give it a 3 out of 5. I want it give it more just for that one panel that involved Havok getting shot in the face, but I refuse to be that petty to my readers. I may be a drunk, but I have standards. It'll give you a solid, gritty X-Force story, but with a shit ton of blanks that need to be filled in. In that sense it's like the Dark Knight Rises, but with Domino replacing Catwoman as the primary source of boners and Cable replacing Batman as the primary source of gritty brooding. So long as it doesn't involve Gary Oldman whining incessently, I'll take it! Nuff said.

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron Answers Some of My Questions!

Depending on the mood I'm in or the exotic substances I'm on, I'm capable of asking some pretty decent questions. Well I must have been in a bad mood or the wrong kind of exotic substances because it's been a long ass time since I sent some questions into CBR's weekly X-POSITION column. That's not to say I haven't had questions, but questions regarding the nature of Mystique's role in the new Marvel NOW! status quo are not on the same level as questions about how big she can make her boobs.

Well I think I got my mood and my exotic substance intake stabilized because I was able to finally formulate some questions worth answering. This week, Jason Aaron and the beard that gives him his power was the guest of honor. He's been hard at work on Wolverine and the X-men, introducing new mutants that are half-shark/half hot Brazilian chick and exploring plots about circuses that can only be attended while on lethal amounts of LSD. It's one of the best X-men comics to read while stoned and it's been wildly entertaining, as I've recently articulated on this blog. But these twisted plots have left me with a few questions that CBR was nice enough to ask.

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron

1) First off, I'm really enjoying your run so far, Mr. Aaron. And one of my favorite characters in "Wolverine and the X-Men" right now is Kid Omega. What can we expect from him in the coming months as the events of "All-New X-Men" catch up with your series?

Jason Aaron: We see the first echoes of "All-New X-Men" in "Wolverine and the X-Men" #24, our "date night" issue. But that's certainly not the last time you'll see ripples from one book affecting the other. As for what Quentin's up to that issue, you'll have to wait and see. I'll just say there's some big stuff coming up for Kid Omega. His love life is going to get more complicated. And he may soon find himself in some very unfamiliar territory. There'll be more psychic shotgun action as well.


2) With Professor Xavier dead and Emma Frost on Cyclops's team, what can we expect from Rachel Grey now that she's the top telepath at the Jean Grey Institute? Will this role of hers evolve into something greater over time?

Well, like you said, she's the top telepath at the Jean Grey School. That's already a pretty huge role. Assuming she survives the current Murder Circus craziness, I'd expect to see Rachel getting back to what she was doing in issue #19: namely doing whatever she can to track down the Hellfire Club. For those that want to see more of Rachel unleashed, believe me, it's coming.


3) It's been revealed that Mystique will be playing a major villain role in both "All-New X-Men" and in "Wolverine and the X-Men." Can you talk a bit about her role and her motivations?

I can't say too much about what she's up to without spoiling one of our big arcs for next year. But she's obviously still working with Sabretooth's crew, along with Lord Deathstrike and the new Silver Samurai, who are all currently being contracted by the Hellfire Club to track down some of the new mutants popping up around the globe. As for what happens when they find those mutants... well, I expect we'll have an answer soon enough.

So Kid Omega may be getting laid, Rachel Grey will be focused primarily on trying to locate a team of sociopath per-pubescent kids, and Mystique is organizing a massive let's-all-fuck-with-the-X-men-party. Hell, Jason Aaron had me Mystique! I don't know if I revealed this, but Mystique was one of my first crushes growing up. She found her way into many of my twisted fantasies before I had access to internet porn. The prospect of her becoming more involved with X-books again makes me feel both nostalgic and horny at the same time. And if that's not a winning combination for an X-book, what is? Nuff said!

It's Official: Uncanny X-men Relaunch and Cyclops/Emma Breakup!

There are some things that are just so unsurprising that you have to actively fight the urge to roll your eyes. It's like finding out your wife secretly fantasizes about being double penetrated by Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Or that a porn star's tits aren't real. It's just one of those inescapable truths that you can't avoid unless you have the willful ignorance of a creationist.

On the flip side, every now and then some genuinely surprising shit comes along that makes you swallow your tongue, grab your balls, and run for the nearest bunker because you're certain it's a sign of the end-times. Now comics have been known to do some pretty shocking shit. DC has Superman and Wonder Woman swapping superhuman bodily fluids. Marvel brought back Bucky freakin' Barnes. Hell, both companies were crazy enough to give Jeph Loeb a job. That shit is pretty shocking, but they both have certain tendencies that readers and drunks come to expect. We expect that Wolverine will be an asshole, that Hope Summers will be an insufferably annoying Jean Grey rip-off, and that Deadpool will never shut up. I've gone on plenty of rants in my reviews about how Marvel outright refuses to do shit they should while doing shit that a drunk monkey that just had his balls cut off wouldn't do. But every now and then, the geniuses at Marvel sober up and I have to eat my words and take a few extra shots of whiskey that I probably would have taken otherwise.

Let's start with the unsurprising shit. A week ago, Marvel teased a new Marvel NOW! series for the relaunch with Uncanny. I did a blot post about it calling it the least ominous teaser since Snakes on a Plane. And for once, Marvel didn't try to be coy about it like that guy who tries to pick up women at a bar by telling them they're licensed to do breast exams (it's shocking how much that shit works by the way). They outright confirmed that Brian Michael Bendis will be adding another X-men book to his already impressive pedigree with All New X-men with the help of Wolverine and the X-men artist, Chris Bachalo.

Marvel: Uncanny X-men Relaunch for Marvel NOW!

It's unsurprising because it makes perfect sense. As we saw at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5, Cyclops has escaped from prison and the Extinction Team is back in action. And since we already know that they'll be clashing with the Original Five in the pages of All New X-men, it's pretty clear they'll have a very different kind of story to tell and there just isn't enough ink for one book to tell it. This way Bendis can tell the story of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men and the Extinction Team in Uncanny X-men. It promises to put Cyclops in a new situation where mutants are not going extinct and some just aren't going to be okay with other bigoted humans trying to kill them.

That in and of itself isn't too shocking. What will have your balls shooting up into the back of your throat is one little twist that involves the beautiful women that Cyclops's penis has become so used to accommodating.

Marvel.com: Speaking of love, Cyclops and Emma Frost went through some rough times during Avengers Vs. X-Men. How does the fallout affect their relationship?

Brian Michael Bendis: The romance is done. They are not together anymore romantically. It's pretty hard to come back from what they went through in Avengers Vs. X-Men. Things were said, powers were stolen, and as we will discover in the very first issues of UNCANNY X-MEN, some things happen between them that cannot be taken back.

I had to read this shit at least six times, smoke a joint, read it again, sober up, take a shot of tequila, sober up again, and then read it six more times. I just couldn't accept that it was real until I had been sufficiently drunk, high, and sober. But I eventually came to accept it. Marvel has actually done something I never thought they would do. They ended the Cyclops/Emma relationship.

Cyclops's penis will NEVER forgive him.

This may not be a big deal to fans who don't care who is boning who in their comics, but for fans that give a shit about the personal lives of their favorite characters this is like your sister telling you she's having a sex change. This is one issue that I've ranted about many times, complaining endlessly and drunkenly how Marvel refuses to genuinely shake shit up with this relationship. It was great when it started out under Joss Whedon, but then it turned into a prolonged episode of Two and a Half Men that consisted only of the occasional one-liner and bed scenes. And since no relationship in Two and a Half Men has ever ended without a horrible breakup, laughable infidelity, or John Cryer coming off as a pussy it made no sense to think of this relationship as anything more than fodder for fans to masturbate to.

Sure, Marvel teased at some tension. In recent years Emma Frost has shown a strong desire to bone Namor, who never passes up an opportunity to put his penis in a hot blond. But nothing ever came of that shit. It was constantly swept under the rug or just shrugged off. I found that more annoying than those stoner friends that always insist they'll pay you back for the weed they stole, but conveniently forget even after you've kicked them in the balls several times. The guys at Marvel just seemed intent on keeping these two together, as if the writers were trying to live through Cyclops so that in a way they could bone Emma Frost. While it's completely understandable to want to fuck someone like Emma Frost, readers like myself are not okay with it coming at the expense of character, plot, and common fucking sense. Just keeping these two together for that reason is a bad fucking reason and anyone who has ever tried to get back with an ex-girlfriend for a bad fucking reason know that shit doesn't end well.

She's probably erasing every memory he's ever had of her naked.

Now shit got pretty heavy in Avengers vs. X-men when Cyclops flat out turned on Emma Frost, beat the Phoenix Force out of her, and took it for himself. That's the kind of relationship gaff that even Ike Turner would find disturbing. But I figured Marvel would find some way to work around that shit so they could keep pretending that they were the ones boning Emma. But I was wrong. And fuck, it never felt so good to be wrong. If one of my health teachers from high school heard me say that now, they would break down crying.

So Cyclops and Emma Frost aren't boning anymore. And that's great. Well, not for Cyclops's penis, but in a purely pragmatic sense it's perfect. Now Cyclops and Emma Frost have to be on the same team as ex-lovers. That's like your parole officer being your pot dealer. It's awkward as fuck and definitely screws up the mission.

Uncanny X-men promises a very different kind of mission under Bendis. Not only is Cyclops a fugitive on a team of other fugitives including his ex, he's in a world where mutants aren't going extinct. He made it clear at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences that he's prepared to do what Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute can't. He's prepared to protect the mutant race from extinction, even if it means being a douche about it. He had to stop being a boy scout after M-Day and he's not going back. That means there's the potential for new mutants, new X-men, and some very awkward moments between two ex's and Cyclops's past self. It's the kind of Uncanny X-men that could only be more often if every copy came with pictures of Mitt Romney crying like a little pussy for losing the election. And for that, I have high hopes that this will be awesome in a very special way.

So in closing, I propose yet another drink to honor to the end of the Cyclops/Emma relationship and the sorrow of Cyclops's penis. May Marvel find new ways to fantasize about boning hot blond telepaths. Nuff said!

New Uncanny X-men Teaser: All New Relaunch

Some comics you just know are going to get rebooted and relaunched because if Marvel is even semi-competent as a business, they know that we consumers are stupid enough to buy anything they slap a new #1 on. DC Comics proved this beyond all doubt with their New 52 relaunch. Marvel is preparing to do the same with Marvel NOW! albeit without the reboot part. So far, they've already announced numerous relaunches for books like Wolverine, Captain America, Fantastic Four, and Hulk. So is it really all that shocking when after ending Uncanny X-men a mere 20 issues after the last relaunch that they're inclined to do it again?

I already pointed out how the latest end of Uncanny X-men had about as much impact as a presidential endorsement by Snookie. And I've already posted numerous previews of the book that was supposed to replace it, All New X-men. But being all new just isn't enough for Marvel. They know that even without the brilliance of Kieron Gillen, Uncanny X-men is another source of income for their Disney overlords. So it wasn't too surprising when it was announced last week that Bendis would be writing another X-men book with a teaser so painfully obvious that it only could have been made more shocking if it was accompanied by a picture of Andy Dick's penis.

CBR: Marvel NOW! Teases Uncanny with Bendis and Bachalo

The reddish tint in the background is another telling hint that it's going to involve Cyclops. Not the teen boy scout Cyclops who yells "JEAN!!!" every other sentence. But the Cyclops who took on both the Avengers and the X-men, saved the mutant race, and willingly went to jail with his head held high because he was right all along. While he's still in jail in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, we already know from other previews of All New X-men that he either gets paroled or pulls a Shawshank Redemption on the Avengers.

And by all accounts, his asshole is still intact.

Now this could still be a complete ruse and Marvel could just be fucking with us gullible fans. But that might just be too awesome for them. It may not even be called Uncanny X-men either. Hell, they could call this shit Uncanny Brotherhood for all we know, but as Marvel has shown with Uncanny Avengers the sales of a book can be supplemented greatly just by throwing the word Uncanny into the title. Is it shameless? Fuck yes. Do fans give a shit? Fuck no. Depending on how Consequences plays out and how All New X-men shapes up, it could go in many different directions. If Bendis is as competent as X-men fans all hope, then it'll be worth stocking up on booze and weed for! Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!