San Diego Comic Con X-men Panel: Nightcrawler Lives!

Another year has gone by with me spending too much money on booze to fly out to San Diego Comic Con, but I still manage to stay sober enough to keep up with the events. Every year the fans, the cos-players, and the people who masturbate to those cos-players show up to unite in their love of all things geek and learn a thing or two about the next sinister plot that comic companies are planning.

And there has been a fuckton of amazing shit this year. DC Comics and Warner Brothers announced that rather than a Justice League movie in 2015, we'll be getting a Batman/Superman movie. It's not Justice League, but it's the next best thing. Marvel Studios announced that the next Avengers movie will be titled Avengers: Age of Ultron. And Fox proved that they didn't learn a damn thing from the failure of X3 when they announced that they were going to fuck up Days of Futures Past by making Wolverine the center of attention...yet again.

As big as those announcements are, this is a fucking X-men blog last I checked. And I focus on the big X-men news. So when Marvel held their X-men panel today, it came with a few major announcements. And the biggest announcement by far was that once again, death is as permanent in the Marvel universe as Larry King's wedding vows. Because everyone's favorite fur fetish, Nightcrawler, is coming back to life after being dead for nearly four years. And I say fuck yes to the nth degree!

CBR: SDCC - Marvel Announces Return Of Nightcrawler, More At X-Men Panel

Fans of the X-Men poured into room 6DE at San Diego’s Comic-Con International to hear the creative teams behind their favorite mutants speak at the Marvel Comics X-Men panel.

Moderator Arune Singh began the panel with the creative teams behind the X-books onstage: senior editor Nick Lowe, Brian Michael Bendis (“All-New X-Men”), Paul Cornell (“Wolverine”), Gerry Duggan (“Deadpool”), Peter David (“X-Factor”), Sam Humphries (“Uncanny X-Force”), Chris Hastings, and Brian Posehn (“Deadpool”). Singh told the room editor Jeanine Schaefer will be joining them later, and that Frank Cho and Terry Dodson may also appear later on, interrupting his introduction to cheer Schaefer as she ran up to the stage.

“This is the best panel you’re going to see all convention!” Singh told the packed room to cheers and applause.

They then began by speaking about Marvel’s brand new September and October “Battle Of The Atom” event happening over the X-books, featuring art by Frank Cho, Stuart Immonen, David Lopez, Chris Bachalo, Guiseppe Camuncoli, Esad Ribic.

“The X-Men from the future show up and tell them they have to get out of here, right now, just go,” Bendis said. Of course this does not happen, and the events that follow kick off the crossover, something Bendis promised would have “Major implications for the line.”

“It’s the first X-Men event that Brian [Bendis] is working on with us...and it’s the first one Brian Wood is working on,” Lowe said, adding that it will be the past, present and future of the X-Men colliding.

Singh also showed the image for Steve McNiven and Rick Remender's “Uncanny Avengers” “Ragnarok Now” story, which showed Scarlet Witch’s shattered hat.

Cornell then said in “Wolverine” the character has lost his healing factor, “An original idea, I know!” he joked as the room laughed.

Drawn by Alan Davis, Cornell said that Wolverine will first be grappling with the idea of dying, then defending himself as every foe he’s made decides to go after him, something that Cornell told the room would end in a major shift for the book and character.

“It’s a Wolverine you’ve never, ever seen before and you have no idea what’s coming,” Schaefer said.

“And we killed Peter Parker twice, we’re serious!” Singh joked as the room cracked up.

“It’s a guy whose whole fighting style is ‘Throw myself in front of bullets.’ When he doesn’t have that anymore, what does he have?” Schaefer added, she and Lowe telling the room that his loss of powers will be consistent over all the Marvel books.

“Uncanny X-Force” was next, Humphries telling the fans that “Runaways Artist Adrian Alphona will be drawing a solo story starring Spiral in issue #12, telling the story of her hunting down a young girl. Ramon Perez will also be working on the book.

The room cheered as Duggan and Posehn’s “Deadpool” issue #18 cover flashed up on the big screen.

“We kill Wolverine. Spoiler,” Duggan joked. Posehn said that issue #20 was his favorite upcoming issue so far, Duggan asking the audience “Do you like some Kirby crackle?” to applause and whistles.

Lowe laughingly recalled how the editors had to “Re-examine their life decisions,” after reading the scripts for the upcoming issues that took a “Dark turn.”

“We haven’t dropped the ball yet,” Posehn joked to audience laughter, adding, “But don’t go on the internet.”

Looking at the end of “X-Factor” which showed X-Factor literally closing shop, story drawn by Neil Edwards, David laughed, “That has nothing to do with the story, but it’s a good cover!”

He then said he was so happy to have written the book and to hear fans come up to him and saying how they loved how he turned around B and C-level characters in the book.

“It’s one of the steadiest books in all of comics...’X-Factor’ is this unstoppable, strong and steady book,” Lowe said of sales. Singh added that David will have another new book coming out from Marvel soon.

David also took the time to praise artist Leonard Kirk’s work, telling the audience the industry doesn’t always appreciate a “real solid artist like Leonard,” before leading the room in a round of applause.

Dodson joined the panel in time for Singh to announce he will be joining Brian Wood’s “X-Men.” Schaefer said of the decision to make the team all women, a first for Marvel, “It just made sense.”

“We decided to call it 'X-Men' because they were X-Men, they weren’t X-Women, they were always X-Men,” Schaefer added, telling the room Marvel was very supportive of female-led books and that it was a passion project for her.

“We’ve heard female-led books don’t sell, but...all you have to do is point at ‘X-Men,’ point at ‘Captain Marvel’...you’ve proven the critics wrong,” Singh said to thunderous applause.

Hastings then announced his new book, “Longshot Saves The Marvel Universe,” wherein Longshot, “Gets very lucky,” Hasting said to audience laughter. With artist Jacopo Camagni the first issue will be out in November.

The room bursts into applause again as Singh asked who in the audience wants Nightcrawler back in the Marvel Universe. The room cheered again as the panel announced Nightcrawler will be in the brand new series “Amazing X-Men” by Jason Aaron and artist Ed McGuinness.

“Firestar is going to take her place as a major X-Men character for the first time,” Lowe added, pointing to her on the cover of the first issue along with Azazel. The panel then called Aaron and had the room cheer into the phone.

“We’ve been having to keep this a secret pretty much since Jason was writing ‘Wolverine And The X-Men,’” Lowe said, adding that this book will answer where the little blue and red Bamfs have been coming from. “Nightcrawler is dead, but that’s not the end of his story,” Lowe continued, explaining Azazel is a pirate that is stealing something the X-Men need and Nightcrawler needs to stop him. The team on the book will also include Northstar, Wolverine, Beast, Iceman and Storm.

The panel then threw the floor open to the floor, everyone saying each fan’s name as they came up to the microphone. The first fan asked if the X-Factor characters will be in other books. Lowe said the characters will show up in other Marvel Comics books and places, “In very important roles.”

The next fan wanted to know what characters they want to kill or bring back. “Kill Jim Balushi?” Posehn joked.

“I’m happy with Nightcrawler and I’d like to kill Wolverine!” Cornell laughed. Bendis said Peter Parker to both.

“I’d say bring back Uncle Ben but I already did that, and killing -- is Pixie still around?” David asked as the room cracked up.

“I love Maggot!” Schaefer said as Lowe rolled his eyes and the room cracked up again.

A fan wanted to know if in “Battle Of Atom” there would be new future X-Men yet to be revealed. “There’s a lot of things to be revealed,” Bendis said.

The next audience member to the microphone wanted to know why more mutants haven’t sided with Cyclops. “We’re just at the beginning to see how a lot of mutants are going to react to this, to how some of these new mutants aren’t seen as ‘pure’ mutants by older ones so there’s some racism in their ranks,” Bendis told him, adding all that will begin to be revealed in the next few issues.

Another fan said he wanted to give his well-wishes to David, who explained to the room he had suffered a stroke and had to relearn how to walk. He also said he was surprised how many people and fans gave him messages of support and prayers, including a temple of Buddhist Monks because they, “Liked my run on ‘Hulk!’” David said as the room laughed. He then thanked the comics community for the love and support as the room cheered.

That fan then asked the panel what superpowers they would want.

“Flight!” David said. Lowe wanted teleportation, Bendis wanted “the power of a nap,” Hasting wanted teleportation "without the smell," Cornell wanted Storm’s powers, Posehn wanted “invulnerability to sadness,” Duggan wanted Kitty Pryde’s powers, Dodson wanted Multiple Man’s powers and Humphries wanted the Phoenix Force.

“Should we just kill you now?” Lowe joked as Humphries laughed.

The next fan asked about the possibility of a “Deadpool Max.” Duggan said there was no plans at the time.

“As far as Max, I feel like we’re pushing it already,” Posehn added with a laugh.

Lowe told an X-23 fan the character will show up again, though he wouldn’t say where. He then laughed along with the audience as Bendis pointed to himself.

A fan from the earlier Ultimates panel wanted to know why Brian Wood’s “Ultimate Comic X-Men” was glossed over at the panel. Bendis said they glossed it over because anything they said about the book, “Would be a spoiler” for what’s coming up.

Bendis also reported that Aarons had text him back from the grocery story, reading the text out loud.

“Please tell everybody there I’ve been waiting years to do a story with Nightcrawler...and does anybody there know what a shallot look like?” Bendis said as the room yelled back that a shallot was a “green-looking onion.”

Posehn told a “Cable And Deadpool” fan that somewhere down the line they wanted to have Deadpool and Cable meet up and, “They might be wearing trench coats and they might have Tommy guns, form another time,” the writer said as the panel laughed.

Speaking more about bringing Nightcrawler back, Bendis said they took the idea of resurrection very seriously and didn’t want to do it cynically or do it just for the shock.

Bendis also told there was something coming down the line called “The Utopians” which will have some female X-Men and other mutants readers haven’t seen yet.

The last fan to the microphone was a young boy who reprimanded the group for killing Peter Parker, the audience laughing as the panelists shrugged and Singh brought the panel to a close.

Now if only Marvel would stop killing these characters off in the first place. But then again, these gimmicks would actually have to not work for them to do that. And until drunken fans like myself realize that, we're destined for more of this shit. But if it means more awesome comics and more reasons to kill my brain cells, I'm all for it! Nuff said!

All New X-men #9 - Setting The Stage For Awesome

Before I go into my typical drunken rant, let me say one thing for the record. Being a teenager sucks every kind of ass that has ever existed. Unless your rich, beautiful, and a complete sociopath, being a teenager is like having your asshole being operated on by a blind doctor wearing a boxing glove. I’ve made this point many times in many different reviews, but I think it’s worth reinforcing in the context of All New X-men.

Brian Michael Bendis made it clear from the beginning that the X-men he’s dealing with are teenagers. It doesn’t matter whether they’re time-displaced or pathetic rip-off characters meant to replace someone that was killed off (looking at you, Miles fucking Morales), being a teenager is central to the theme. It has already played a big part in the events of All New X-men. Cyclops is no longer the large and in charge leader who gets to bone Emma Frost every night. He’s an awkward teenager who isn’t sure of himself and isn’t sure of his future. Jean Grey isn’t the loving, compassionate woman that men can’t help but fall in love with and try to bone. She’s also an awkward teenager trying to figure out new powers while wrapping her head around the fact that she’s died multiple times and has been replaced by a shitty rip-off character in Hope Summers.

And then there’s Angel. Oh Lord have mercy, there’s Angel and he feels like he’s in hell. The entire previous issue was basically dedicated to Angel freaking out on a level usually reserved for teenagers that find out the girl they boned in a drunken stupor is pregnant and has a father with a licensed shotgun in his possession. The Avengers finding out about Beast’s time travel shenanigans was secondary. Angel’s freak-out was sort of a microcosm of how the Original Five X-men are dealing with being in the present. That is to say they’re dealing with it in a way you would expect of a bunch of hormonal, emotional, and utterly irrational teenagers.

Yet they’re intent on changing the future so that it doesn’t suck so damn much and they’ve enlisted help from Kitty Pryde to train them. I guess she can take some comfort in the knowledge that teenagers are easily bored and need shit to stimulate that underdeveloped mind of theirs. After freaking the fuck out in the last issue, they still have to get their shit together if they’re to have any impact on the future. I normally have sympathy for teenagers going through their own personal hell, but Bendis has made this so entertaining that it’s almost masochistic in a non-porno sort of way.

The masochism in All New X-men #9 continues in that it doesn’t just focus on the physical rigors. Kitty Pryde goes so far as to call out Jean Grey for the mind-fucking she did to Angel in the previous issue. Jean’s response is typical of any teenager who thinks they can solve all the world’s problems by legalizing pot and having hippies run the government. She claims it was the right thing to do and Kitty Pryde calls bullshit. However, not much else is made of it. Last I checked, teenagers don’t just change their mind when you call their actions bullshit. Tell someone not to do something and it usually has the opposite effect. Just ask the Catholic Church.

While it would have been nice to see Kitty Pryde or anyone for that matter give Jean Grey a crash course in the ethics of mind-fucking other people, instead the O5 X-men get a crash course in X-men basics. That means they need to start fighting giant robots and go about it the same way most people go about taking a shit. Kitty Pryde treats them like virgin schoolgirls in Japanese anime porn in that she throws them into a den of tentacle monsters by having them fight sentinels in the streets of New York City. It’s a classic scenario that anyone with a nostalgic fetish should be able to jerk off to. But it’s important to keep in mind that what seems so basic to X-men veterans is actually akin to having an intern with cerebral palsy perform open heart surgery on their first day.

The battle between the O5 X-men and the sentinels is a classic struggle, but one that once again reveals just how inexperienced these teenagers are compared to the X-men we know and love. They start off as you would expect a bunch of teenagers, just charging head first into the problem without giving much thought to teamwork and trying to conceal their boners. Cyclops attempts to be the leader that Mystique told him he should have been in previous issues, but it works about as well as a Mormon missionary at a crack house.

Keep in mind, this is just a simple sentinel. The O5 opted to stay in the future so they could fix all the shit that’s wrong with it. And if they are struggling with one fucking sentinel, they might as well go back to the past and ask Charles Xavier to both wipe their minds and give them diapers. It shows just how inexperienced this team really is. Maybe it’s because I still get a kick out of any story of a teenager fucking up hilariously, but I took a special satisfaction in this scene.

In the end the team fails the mission and fails it badly. Kitty Pryde ends up stopping the simulation early and calmly explains to the O5 the extent to which they fucked up. Granted, she’s pretty generous about it. And O5 Iceman even goes so far as to say that this is way more fucked up than the Danger Room sessions they did in the past. While it’s still as satisfying as ever to see teenagers fail, it does make an important point. It identifies the gap in training between the O5 X-men and the modern X-men. They need to adjust to this fucked up future and they need to adjust fast. It's a message every other teenager would be wise heed, but we know they're not. So we might as well just sit back, grab a beer, and laugh our ass off as they continue to learn the hard way.

But in the same way it is in the nature of teenagers to fuck up and not heed good advice, it is also in their nature to challenge authority. Some, like the recently mind-fucked Angel, haven’t forgotten that they were roped into visiting the future because Beast told them Cyclops was going to commit mass mutant genocide. Well he’s been in the future long enough to be mind-fucked, but so far he hasn’t seen any genocide. And he’s not sure how this sort of training is going to help them prevent it, if it even is a threat. I usually don’t agree with any teenagers I’m not trying to bone, but O5 Angel makes a damn good point.

And he’s not the only one fucking with team dynamics. Jean Grey, who still can’t seem to understand why it’s wrong to poke around someone else’s mind without their permission, finds out that O5 Cyclops was hanging out with another redhead who may or may not have given him an erection. She asks him about Mystique. And naturally, he’s not too happy with her being in his mind again. Even if he does still want to bone her, a man has his limits. It offers both a nice connection to the recent comics and a nice segway into other issues that involve shit blowing up.

Mystique made it clear in All New X-men #7 that she had a good reason for fucking with the O5 and playing on O5 Cyclops’s hormones. She has a plan of her own and it doesn’t involve the X-men interfering. She encouraged O5 Cyclops to take more initiative than any teenager should and while it’s hard to tell how much influence she’s had, she’s carrying on as if the X-men are too occupied to stop her plans.

And these plans involve her disguising herself as Maria Hill, pretending that Sabretooth can be restrained outside her bedroom, and casually strolling into a high security prison. It’s pretty basic. It’s the kind of shit you would expect Mystique to do on her typical Thursday afternoon, but it adds an element of action that doesn’t involve fucking holograms. In a series like All New X-men where teen drama supersedes action, it adds some much needed balance. If an X-men comic goes too many issues without blowing shit up, I feel the same way the military probably does when they go a few too many days without an illegal drone strike.

Mystique’s plans quickly progress as she proceed to break out a prisoner that she believes can help her plan. That prisoner is our old friend, Lady Mastermind. Now maybe I killed one too many brain cells last weekend, but I can’t for the life of me remember how Lady Mastermind ended up in a prison cell. I know she was part of the Sisterhood of Evil Mutants and got her ass kicked by Emma Frost while she was in her underwear (you don’t forget shit like that). But after that, she ends up in prison? Well, whatever the reason, she’s a hot blond and we all know hot blonds never stay in prison for very long. Just ask Paris Hilton.

While I’m all for Mystique having a hot blond on her team, her plan is anything but ambitious. After reading All New X-men #7, you got the sense she was planning the kind of shit that would make sentinel manufacturers cum in their pants. But instead, her plan involves gathering a few powerful mutants, using their powers to make fucktons of money, and using that money to live in luxury while the rest of the world sorts out this shit. Granted, that’s probably the most logical plan any villain in any comic has ever come up with. However, for someone like Mystique, it’s pretty fucking underwhelming. Maybe I just miss a Mystique that had ambition, but it if this was reason enough to fuck with the O5 then it’s a pretty shitty reason.

From one shitty reason to another, O5 Angel shows that he’s not dropping this whole genocide bullshit that Beast pulled on them. He confronts Beast, who is now healthy and no longer looking like Thundercats cos-player, and calls him out. He basically demands he explain why he told them that Cyclops was going to commit mass genocide on mutants. He dances around the question for the most part. All he does is say Cyclops is going to provoke human fears and that’s going to cause some shit. But genocide? He claims that by just being here the O5 could prevent it, but he doesn’t admit he may have been pushing it when he used that excuse to draw the O5 to the future. That’s akin to telling Republicans that President Obama is amassing a secret Kenyan army to take over the White House. It’s obviously bullshit, but the Michelle Bachmann’s of the world will take it seriously and that’s just a dick move.

There’s plenty more dick moves to discuss, including O5 Cyclops’s encounter with Mystique. But before anyone can start pissing and moaning about it, a more pressing issue emerges and it takes the form of sweet, beautiful convergence. In Uncanny X-men #3, Brian Michael Bendis penned another issue that was light on action yet heavy on drama of the most awesome variety. It ended with Cyclops pwning the Avengers in a gloriously fitting way and taking a trip to the Jean Grey Institute for a recruitment run. Well that’s exactly how this issue ends as well. Rather than come off as repetitive, it comes off as two comics in perfect harmony in terms of events. In the world of Marvel comics where time is often more flexible and fucked up than a Russian gymnast on crack, this kind of convergence is a true thing of beauty.

After reading this issue, I’m compelled to say it again and say it with the certainty of the most annoying creationist. Being a teenager sucks. Now I’m not sure if Brian Michael Bendis is just belaboring a point or if there’s a larger message in this story, but at this point he’s hitting readers upside the head with this concept so hard that the NFL would give him a lifetime suspension for inducing concussions. It’s not enough for it to just suck. In All New X-men, it has to suck and involve getting your ass kicked by killer robots. It’s like high school, a prostate exam, and being arrested at the same time. While it may evoke some traumatic memories in some readers, it’s still a fucking awesome comic.

This issue took a break from the drama in some respects to explore the finer details about how the Original Five are being conditioned for this mission of theirs. For a series that has been so heavy on the drama and subtle with the action, this issue added some much needed balance. We didn’t just get to see the Original Five fuck up their first Danger Room session. We also got to see Mystique fuck up life for a group of unlucky SHIELD agents while gaining a new member to her plan. And yes, it helps that said member is a hot blond. And no, it doesn’t help that her plan is basically the same as every white collar criminal that ever gave the finger to the SEC. So in that sense it balances out in more than one way.

But as much as I enjoyed seeing Mystique blow shit up while giving me a boner, some dramatic elements seem to be getting lost in the mix. The impact of Jean mind-fucking Angel was only lightly touched on, but other elements like Cyclops giving Jean that wedding invitation a few issues ago seems to be completely lost. These are issues that have serious personal implications for these characters, but Bendis has basically cast them aside.

However, the seamless convergence at the end with the events of Uncanny X-men #3 provided the perfect excuse for such oversight. I mean how can you squeeze that sort of shit in when you know shit is going to be hitting the fan when Cyclops shows up with his revolutionary team? I understand that Bendis takes his sweet fucking time when it comes to developing certain sub-plots. For a guy like me who only has so much weed to pass the time, that can be frustrating. But he always finds a way to move shit forward and make it awesome. This issue is no exception.

If there is a flaw here, it’s that this issue is built mostly on potential. Lady Mastermind joining Mystique and Cyclops’s revolutionary team showing up didn’t really move the plot forward. For the most part, all it did was set things up for future issues. It’s frustrating in that it leaves readers like me foaming at the mouth to see more sexual tension between Mystique and Lady Mastermind and more Angel calling out Beast on his bullshit. Maybe I’m just getting greedy or I’m way too fucking sober while I’m writing this, but I give All New X-men #9 a 4 out of 5. This issue just left me wanting more and wanting it bad! I mean come on, Bendis! This throbbing erection I’ve got isn’t going to go away on its own! Nuff said.

Uncanny X-men #3 - All Talk, All Awesome

I consider myself an atypical American patriot with a drinking problem. I say atypical because even at my most drunk and most sober, I’m not so blinded by the red, white, and blue mantra that I cry uncontrollably when I hear the Star Spangled Banner. I have functioning balls last I checked and a head with a few functioning brain cells that I haven’t damaged yet. That means I’m not going stick my head in the same pit as Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity and say that America’s school system is in the shitter, our health care system is below average at best, and our policy of sending drones to murder people is fucked up. That also means I’m not going to defend the de-facto super-patriot that represents America in Marvel comics, which happens to be Captain America.

When it comes to my sentiment of Cap and the Avengers, I’ve been about as subtle on this blog as a bad hangover. I think their assholes were left way too intact at the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They had the billion-dollar movie. They had Joss fucking Whedon. They had Sam fucking Jackson. Conversely, the X-men had X3, Wolverine Origins, and Brett fucking Ratner. So while I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that they came out with their shit smelling like French perfume, the extent to which the X-men were screwed simply defies my drunken abilities.

Now I don’t care to go over all the ways in which the Avengers were dead wrong and utter assholes over the course of Avengers vs. X-men. I know I sound like I’m shooting a dead horse with a bazooka here, but this issue is still not resolved in the comics. And it’s still very relevant in the pages of Uncanny X-men. It’s because the Avengers came out on top that Cyclops is a wanted fugitive, Emma Frost no longer lets him see her naked, and Magneto is secretly aiding SHIELD. Now that’s not to say Cyclops is innocent either. He’s still been a straight-A dick-cheese on more than one occasion. But he’s starting a new revolution in the pages of Uncanny X-men and he’s still stuck having to work around all the ways he was screwed over in Avengers vs. X-men.

The first two issues of Uncanny X-men have basically been Brian Michael Bendis showing how Cyclops’s new team functions in this new world where the Avengers have clean assholes and mutants are being shit on all over the world. He hasn’t exactly been subtle (or peaceful) in his efforts to protect a new generation of mutants, but he has succeeded in recruiting a handful of eager young teenagers. And he’s even managed to gain some public support as Cyclops has become sort of the Bill Murray while the Avengers are David Hasselhoff. The world doesn’t know that he killed Charles Xavier and even if they did, him being fucked up on the Phoenix Force still helps his case. Plus, he still can say he boned Emma Frost AND Jean Grey. That alone should earn him respect in any universe.

But ever since he busted out of jail, it has only been a matter of time before his new team crossed paths with the Avengers again. And at the end of Uncanny X-men #2, Magneto hastened that confrontation in the same way giving firecrackers to a 5-year-old hastens a trip to the emergency room. After one of the new mutants, Eva, convinces the team to visit her family in Australia, he called up SHIELD to let the Avengers know where Cyclops was going to be. Now it’s Avengers vs. X-men Part 2: Whose Shit Stinks The Least?

The first thing that happens in Uncanny X-men #3 is we find out that Tempest, the X-men's newest Aussie time-displacing mutant, admires Captain America the most. Hell, she even wrote a school essay about it. And it sounds like she actually wrote it while sober. I never had an essay topic that I felt that passionately about so that says a lot about this girl. But unfortunately, she gets to confront her idol while he and the Avengers are being a douche because once that flashback is over, she and the rest of Cyclops's team are standing face-to-face with the Avengers again. They still have a hard-on for throwing Cyclops in jail for murder. If only they could be as dedicated in throwing third world dictators that use the skulls of their victims as dildos in jail, then maybe they wouldn't come off as total assholes.

What comes next is an argument that should have happened immediately after the end of Avengers vs. X-men, which is someone pointing out that Tony fucking Stark was responsible for fucking up the Phoenix Force in Avengers vs. X-men. And this is pointed out by a woman he once fucked no less, namely Emma Frost. I don't know why, but something about that makes this scene all the more satisfying. It's like a girl telling a guy to fuck off just as he was about to give her herpes. And she's completely right. Iron Man and the Avengers were responsible for the shit that happened with the Phoenix, yet they want Cyclops and Emma to pay for it. That's like having a house party where you burned the house down and making the guy you set on fire pay for a new house.

Even if this scene was way overdue, I found it very satisfying. Bendis once again shows that he's great at playing on tension, especially between characters that have boned. However, the argument is somewhat unbalanced. Everything Emma and Cyclops say is perfectly valid. But all the Avengers respond with is "You killed Charles Xavier. You got to jail, motherfucker." That's the only substance to their argument. They don't address their role in Avengers vs. X-men...again. Iron Man claims he helped fix the Phoenix Force when he broke it with his big micro-dick compensating gun, but he didn't do shit. That was all Hope freakin' Summers. Yet nobody pointed that out. While I'm glad to see the Avengers get pwned in a way they should have long ago, it was still more unbalanced than a bipolar schizophrenic off their meds.

Eventually, the debate shifts away from who fucked up during Avengers vs. X-men the most. Cyclops rightly points out to the Avengers that mutants are being treated in the same way the Vatican treats abused alter boys, namely by ignoring them. They point out that the mutants they've saved were arrested and harassed by the authorities for reasons that essentially boiled down to "They made me shit my pants! Arrest them!" Captain America claims they are doing something about it by hiring Havok for their Uncanny Avengers team. But that's like saying you're going to solve global warming by not farting anymore. It's a hollow gesture that doesn't change how mutants are being treated. Cyclops knows this. Captain America doesn't seem to give enough shits see that as well.

It's a debate the Avengers aren't winning and aren't even trying to win from the looks of it. Everything Cyclops and Emma tell them are valid. And they aren't even assholes about it (well, Emma is still a bitch, but that's besides the point). They even ask some of the Avengers to join them in helping mutants, which is pretty remarkable seeing as how these are the same assholes that threw them in jail. Even Tempest, the girl who said in a flashback that she admired Captain America the most, came out and said that she was arrested for being a mutant. She is living proof that they're not doing dick to help people like her.

The Avengers only have one recourse in the end. It essentially boils down to "Fuck it! Let's just kick their ass and forget all the perfectly valid points they made!" Hawkeye best embodies this spirit of who gives a shit? He and the rest of the Avengers make it clear that Cyclops and Emma can't sweet talk their way out of jail. They still blame them for the death of Charles Xavier and not the assholes who put them in that position in the first place. So does this mean we're going to get yet another round of Avengers vs. X-men? Is this yet another big overhyped event that will give Michael Bay some disturbing new ideas for his movies?

In short, fuck no. There's no need to get it up for that overfucked corpse of a story. Before the Avengers can channel their inner LAPD, Tempest steps in and freezes the Avengers in a time bubble. So even though she says she admired Captain America the most, she's not willing to ignore it when he's responsible for a dick move. I think that adds a little extra drama too the moment, having someone who admitted to admiring Captain America so much be the one that had to stop him. It allows the X-men to avoid another damaging battle and it also gives Tempest time to say goodbye to her mother again. Cyclops even does a little granstanding for the folks with camera phones. Is it shameless? Hell yes. Does it help reinforce the point that mutants are screwed and the Avengers don't give a shit? Fuck the hell yes.

While they leave Australia emboldened and intact, they return to their base with yet another unpleasant confrontation. In the first issue of Uncanny X-men, we found out that Magneto did something really fucked up in that he shaved his head and betrayed the team. In the previous issue, he opted to stay behind and call SHIELD so the Avengers could be there in the first place. That makes it pretty fucking obvious who tipped them off and Cyclops is none too happy about it. The confrontation here has the potential to be way more volatile than the one they had with the Avengers. Cyclops just can't seem to get a break in that he just pwned the Avengers. Now he's being betrayed.

However, Bendis throws in a twist that M. Night Shyamalan would scoff at. Magneto admits to betraying the team, but he claims he does it for a strategic reason. He's actually playing the role of a double agent, earning SHIELD's trust so that the team could have a leg up on the authorities that seem hell bent on throwing them and every mutant like them in jail. Cyclops is not happy with it, but everyone else seems to think it's fucking brilliant. It is on some levels, but in terms of story it effectively nullifies any tension that was established in the first two issues. So Magneto isn't actually betraying them. That was just a ruse and if you fell for it, then tough shit. All that really came of it is Magneto ended up bald.

The team seems fairly eager to forgive Magneto for going behind their backs. Cyclops still doesn't like it, but it does present them with some pretty compelling opportunities. After things settle, they find out from a news broadcast in Australia that the Avengers are still frozen in time. In addition, Tempest's mother says on camera that the Avengers were acting like assholes. It can only be a good thing for Cyclops's team because that means the Avengers can't stop them if they choose to fuck with them. Magik even suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging all their toilets, probably after binging on expired Mexican food. But Cyclops has something more pragmatic in mind and involves less strain on their assholes. I still would go to the tower and put crazy glue on all the condoms and tampons they have, but I guess Cyclops isn't as willing to push his luck.

Instead of fucking with the Avengers, he and his team choose to pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute. Since no Avengers are going to be there to arrest them, that means they're free to make their pitch to any of the mutants who have gotten sick of Wolverine's training. It also means they're poised to confront the Original Five again, who they initially encountered in All New X-men. Seeing as how that confrontation was flat out ignored in the first two issues, we may actually see something come of it now. Plus, it means Cyclops will be in a position to shoot Wolverine again. And that can only make any comic more awesome!

I get the sense that this issue of Uncanny X-men was written explicitly for the fans who were pissed off by the end of Avengers vs. X-men. For that, I owe Brian Michael Bendis and Chris Belacho a round of beer, a few joints, and a line of my best blow. This could have easily become one of those comics where they just copied and pasted the battle scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and saved themselves the time and trouble of actually doing some work. But that didn't happen here. Cyclops and his team confronted the Avengers, but they didn't pwn them by just beating them. Everyone from the Red Skull to Thanos knows that shit doesn't work. Instead, they beat them by pointing out how they were just as responsible, if not more so, for fucking up during the events of Avengers vs. X-men. This is something I have pointed out multiple times on this blog, both sober and drunk. It took a while for my arguments to show up in a comic book, but it was worth the wait and the extra liver damage!

Now whenever a comic is mostly talk and not much action, there's always a risk that it's going to turn out boring, lame, or fucked up. Comic fans these days have been raised on a steady supply of mindless action featuring killer robots, macho men, and big-breasted women dominating movies, TV shows, and comics. While this issue had the macho men and big-breasted women part down thanks to the presence of Captain America and Emma Frost, there wasn't much mindless action. You actually had to read and think for most of this issue and for some people, that's just unacceptable. But for me, I say fuck those people! By not having mindless action, this issue was all the more awesome.

Brian Michael Bendis has been very consistent in terms of making the dramatic moments count and taking things slowly over the course of a story. In both All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, the big action scenes that involve shit blowing up actually are pretty rare when you get right down to it. Bendis's greatest strength is his ability to really develop the characters and the circumstances surrounding them. With three issues of Uncanny X-men, he's set up a pretty awesome theme. Cyclops and his team are on the run. They're trying to help the new generation of mutants while the Avengers won't loosen their panties and insist on throwing him in jail while they do jack shit for mutants. Seriously, do they really think they can do as much good as Cyclops could do with Alex freakin' Summers? I think not.

The one issue that may be a buzzkill on par with your parents finding your porno stash is Magneto's so-called betrayal. While I admit it makes perfect sense to work smarter and not harder when your powers are on the fritz, but Magneto pretending to betray the X-men just kills whatever tension there may have been surrounding this plot. It could have made for a very daunting challenge for Cyclops and his team to face. Now it's just another act of pwnage that could blow up in their face and probably will. I get that Magneto's triple-cross was meant to give the team a tactical edge, but it just seemed like another missed opportunity. I actually believed Magneto in the first issue when he said he wanted Cyclops to suffer for killing Charles Xavier. Now he's just shrugging that shit off, continuing to be Cyclops's de-facto lieutenant. It essentially puts Magneto back into the same position he was in before Avengers vs. X-men. The only difference now is that he shaved his head and that rarely works for an old white guy.

But Uncanny X-men #3 wasn't about Magneto's betrayal. It was about pwning the Avengers and in that sense it succeeded. Cyclops and his team didn't have to bitch-slap Captain America to prove their point. They only needed to make his balls shrivel to the point that they could work around him. And now they are. Cyclops's team is in position to get around SHIELD and the Avengers while continuing their goal of helping a new generation of mutants. And now they're also poised to get a few new recruits from the Jean Grey Institute, and maybe cop a feel from a teenage Jean Grey in the process. If that isn't an epic win, then how much close can you possibly get without the use of blow? I give Uncanny X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. After reading this issue, I stood up proudly and said "Suck it, Avengers!" Of course, that ended up getting me thrown out of the Starbucks, but one of the baristas was a comic fan so I got her number. Guess that's an epic win for both me and Cyclops! Nuff said!

Age of Ultron #1 - Prelude or Sign of Awesome?

What would you think about a guy who kept going to the same bar again and again, only to get his ass kicked by the time he left and wake up hung over the next morning? You would probably think that guy was pathetic, stupid, or a glutton for punishment that even S&M enthusiasts would find troubling. I’ve been called all those things before. Hell, I’ve been called ten times worse and have the scars to prove it. But in many ways it symbolizes how I’ve come to see Marvel’s so-called event books.

While they may start out awesome and even stay awesome throughout much of the series, they usually crash and burn in the end when the writers run out of patience and say “Fuck the details, let’s just do something shockingly crazy!” This is what has left me with an overly tender asshole after following events like Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men. Each event was billed as this big ass blockbuster that was supposed to redefine the Marvel universe, which is also code for making Marvel a fuckton of money through shameless marketing gimmicks. And even though they ended horribly, they did sell and for that reason Marvel has every excuse to call it a success. As I’ve said in previous drunken rants, Marvel’s capacity to give a fuck about how its customers feels ends the second the purchase is finalized. It is not their job to make you feel better after you buy it. They see outraged fans the same way we see brain damaged puppies, cute and lovable yet still irrationally stupid.

Since the big wigs at Marvel have apparently blown all the Avengers vs. X-men money on strippers and cocaine, they’re ready to throw another overblown event at us and they call it Age of Ultron. This is an event that actually was teased as far back as 2010 when Marvel showed a messy yet eerily accurate schematic of the future. It showed things like the Heroic Age, Avengers vs. X-men, and the return of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men. One of the other events it showed was the Age of Ultron. Having burned themselves out fighting each other, the heroes of the Marvel universe seemed destined to get back to basics and what could be more basic than fighting a killer robot?

But Ultron is not your typical mutant-hunting Sentinel or Terminator rip-off. This is a powerful enemy that has tested the Avengers in some pretty obscene ways in the past. If karma intended to make Hank Pym pay for roughing up his wife, it went way overboard with making Ultron the kind of menacing threat that the frequently frustrates the Avengers. And since we’ve already seen futures and/or alternate universes where mutants and sentinels rule the world, why not a world where Ultron rules? Because what’s more original than a crazy robot taking over the world? Okay, bad example. But you get what I mean.

I’ll say it while I’m still sober enough to type it coherently. The appeal of Age of Ultron is nowhere near as great as the appeal of Avengers vs. X-men. The promise of a superhero battle and the return of the Phoenix Force offered so many possibilities. Those possibilities aren’t nearly as diverse or exciting with Ultron. He’s an evil robot. There’s not going to be any major debate on who will win if the very notion of winning applies in the slightest. I’ve been about as excited for this event as I’ve been about a traffic jam. But it is a big Marvel event. Therefore, I’m compelled to take a few extra shots and offer a review for the wonderful folks who enjoy this blog.

The first issue for this overhyped event doesn't begin with a bang or a brawl. In fact, it seems to begin long after that bang or brawl has transpired. The smoke has already settled, the drunks were already thrown out of the bar, and everyone is hung over. By that I mean the world is fucked and Ultron's dick seems to be the only one left intact. It has all the makings of yet another post-apocalyptic world. While Marvel has more fucked up alternate universe wastelands than Linsey Lohan has DUIs, this one isn't a typical kill-the-robots-and-try-not-to-get-killed apocalypse. In the rubble of New York City, Hawkeye is spying on what looks like a crack house. But I guess in this future a crack house might as well be a loft on Park Avenue. We're not sure what is going on inside, but for some reason it requires an arrow to the head. I'm assuming the crack might not be that good.

It turns out it's not crack this place is selling. It's Mutant Growth Hormone, also known as Kick. It basically gives you powers that makes you feel like your on crack, but involves giving less blowjobs behind a dumpster at McDonald's. For some reason, Hawkeye has a problem with thugs selling this shit to jaded survivors of an apocalypse so he starts shooting them. It makes for a nice, gritty action scene that Bryan Hitch has always been good at depicting. The girl he followed into the building is given a chance to leave while everyone else is given a few arrows to the skull. So I guess Hawkeye isn't without mercy. But when the woman tells him to fuck off, he shoots her in the arm with an arrow. I guess the moral of the story for her is don't make light of Hawkeye's mercy.

But why would Hawkeye be shooting up some crackhouse full of drug-dealing low-lifes? Well, we quickly find out these aren't the kind of lowlifes that walk around with their underwear exposed, their hats on sideways, and their teeth plated gold. This is a well-funded, well-equipped operation armed with real life Call of Duty cos-players armed with the kinds of heavy machine guns that the NRA doesn't think should be banned. Yet they're just dealing MGH in the ruins of New York City? Did I miss something here?

If there is an explanation, it's obscenely subtle. The men mention that Avengers are like gold in this apocalyptic future. Hunting them down and killing them is like finding Warren Buffet's credit card. It's basically a golden ticket. It has somewhat of a Days of Futures Past vibe, but not in the sense that they're basically deer in Ted Nugent's back yard. Something else is going on here and we're not given much insight onto what it is.

At the very least, we get clarification on why Hawkeye has decided to use this crack house as target practice. It's not just so he can be propaganda for the DEA. He's actually on a rescue mission. It turns out these thugs had Spider-Man tied up, beaten up, and fucked up in ways that is perfectly deserving of a guy who made a deal with the devil. But is this Peter Parker or just Doc Ock in Peter Parker's body? Or did some crazy shit happen to reverse that? Or did it even happen to begin with in this universe? Again, that's not made clear. But Hawkeye is there to rescue him and Spider-Man is still his usual immature self. I guess there's something to be said about a character that has been so beaten up by fans lately that he begins this story already beat up. I guess Marvel is just trying to be proactive.

Spider-Man and Hawkeye seem well on their way out, fighting through more thugs with more gritty action that will make some readers want to kiss Bryan Hitch the next time they see him. Then the star of the show finally makes his appearance. Ultron, having already fucked the world, is still perfectly willing to fuck it up even more. He and a few drones surround the building and demand that they prepare to suck the fattest part of his robot dick. While Ultron has never needed a reason slaughter Avengers, it still isn't clear if there is a reason for wanting to blow up buildings with Avengers inside it. The thugs mentioned that they paid Ultron off, which isn't exactly that telling. They say they deliver Avengers to Ultron and he leaves them alone. It's understandable, but still not very clear. However, Hawkeye and Spider-Man seem to know that Ultron has a reason for wanting to vaporize them and decide it's probably a good idea to get the fuck out.

Ultron doesn't listen to the thugs. Whatever reason he had for leaving them alive, he changed his mind in the same way Dearth Vadar alters deals made in Cloud City. In just a few panels the action goes from grim and gritty to a few big ass explosions that level the crack house and offer a larger view of this war torn landscape. It helps add a greater sense of scale to a story that began on a small street level. In doing so it reveals a landscape that is distinct from other apocalyptic worlds. As I said before, Marvel has a fuckton of apocalyptic worlds. Yet they still manage to make this one seem unique in how Ultron is hunting Avengers and letting thugs use them as currency.

Unfortunately for the thugs, however, Ultron has a very low tolerance level for letting Avengers escape. So while Hawkeye and Spider-Man escape the blast, the thugs are broiled like a rack of ribs at at barbecue. Hawkeye and Spider-Man are still battered and bruised, but alive. Yet even they seem to concede that they're thoroughly screwed in this world and we still don't know why. Maybe it's just the bitterness from Avengers vs. X-men still talking, but I'm enjoying seeing them humbled like this.

They eventually find their way to the ruins of the SHIELD Helicarrier, but they aren't exactly welcomed back with hugs and cookies. Once greeted by Luke Cage and She-Hulk, Hawkeye is yelled at for being reckless. That in and of itself isn't too striking. Anyone yelling at Hawkeye for his recklessness is like yelling at Willie Nelson for smoking pot. It shouldn't be that surprising anymore. But what is what he and Spider-Man have to go through once they arrive. Iron Man scans them with what looks like an oversized rectal probe and says they're clean. Ultron didn't infect them with any virus. Even Emma Frost and some of the X-men show up to indicate they're also clean. I guess in this world Emma Frost made up for her crimes as one of the Phoenix Five or she just boned enough people to get pardoned. It poses yet more questions without hinting at too many answers. Ultron seems to be going to great lengths to fuck with them and they're asses are clearly very tender at this point.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Hitch make clear, it's that the heroes in this world are fucked like a two-dollar whore on coupon day. We see in other parts of the bunker that there are a few other Avengers present, but not nearly enough to fight a robot army. Moreover, they're all more pessimistic than a goth at an Evanescence concert. They aren't just fucked. They're utterly demoralized. And the guy who usually rallies them, Captain America, is also at a loss. In the end we see him looking like a dog that just got neutered. He has no plan. He has no inspiring speeches. He might as well be Mel Gibson's credibility at this point. It sends a clear message, but doesn't really address how it got to this point. But if it's bad enough to make Captain freakin' America give up all hope, then we can only assume there are greater forces at work than a killer robot with a taste for human flesh.

Let me say this right now so that there’s no ambiguity or questions about my sobriety. The beginning of Age of Ultron was not like the beginning of Avengers vs. X-men. It’s not different in terms of scale or theme either. This is a completely different approach. That’s both promising and disconcerting in a number of ways. While Avengers vs. X-men sucked elephant balls in the end, it started out pretty fucking awesome. The same could be said for events like Fear Itself or Siege. Age of Ultron is taking a completely different approach in that the first issue doesn’t induce orgasms through your eyes, but it does lay the groundwork for a larger story. And perhaps by not following the same path as previous events, the ending will be as awesome as Marvel boasts for once.

I have mixed feelings about this approach, mostly because I’m really not sure what to make of this issue. Age of Ultron #1 doesn’t feel like the first issue of a big event. It has the feel of a prelude, as if to hint at the story to come. At the same time it also feels like we’re walking right into the middle of the story. It begins in the middle of a world where Ultron is the top dog and Captain America seems to have misplaced his balls. It’s that ambiguity and incoherence that leaves me somewhat puzzled by this issue. I’m not sure where’s it’s going in the same way I’m not sure where any event is going when it begins. But I’m not even sure where the fuck this came from or how the fuck it got here.

Uncertainty aside, there’s still plenty to enjoy here. If you’re a Hawkeye fan, you should be masturbating to this issue for the next few days. There’s a special charm to this dark, gritty environment where the Avengers are battered and broken. It doesn’t have the same feel as a typical apocalyptic future where killer robots rule. There are other forces at work. At least that’s how it seems at the moment. Brian Michael Bendis and Bryan Hitch have found a way to make this world feel unique without falling into the same patterns that Days of Futures Past set over three decades ago.

Whether it’s a prelude or something else entirely, Age of Ultron #1 is solid. Bryan Hitch’s art is as spectacular as ever and Brian Michael Bendis flexes his talent for capturing the emotion of a story. This Avengers team is not the same overpowered team that Jonathan Hickman has been writing in his Avengers series or the same team that won Avengers vs. X-men. There are a lot of blanks to fill here and even if we don’t get too many clues as to what those blanks are, Bendis and Hitch have at least stoked plenty of curiosity. I give Age of Ultron #1 a 3 out of 5. So another overhyped comic book event has begun. If you’re really quiet, you can already hear the fanboys bitching about it on message boards. It’s not like they need a reason to bitch, but at least this issue didn’t give them more than they already had. Nuff said!

All New X-men #8 - Awesome On Wings

I’ve always been a fan of painfully unpleasant truths. It may sound strange, especially when some of those unpleasant truths involve your girlfriend telling you about a strange rash her gynecologist found during her last appointment. But the way I see it, I already give the finger to reality by reading awesome comic books and getting drunk. I don’t need to stick my head in a deep fryer and scream at the top of my lungs like a creationist at the Smithsonian whenever I’m confronted with an unpleasant truth. If it really is bad in the sense that my days of having an intact asshole are numbered, then I just consider that a great excuse to go out and get drunk. And you know we can never have too many of those!

In that sense I almost envy the Original Five X-men in the pages of All New X-men because they’ve encountered so many unpleasant truths since they showed up that the President of the United States should temporarily nullify the legal drinking age so they can go out and get pissed-faced drunk Led Zepplin style. Jean Grey found out she’s dead and her family was slaughtered. Beast found out that he grew up into a winey little bitch that looks like a rejected mascot for the Chicago Bears. Cyclops found out he’s asshole fugitive who killed Charles Xavier. And Iceman found out that he still hasn’t done jack shit to become any more than a walking beer cooler. So while the future may not be apocalyptic in that killer robots that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger aren’t hunting mutants, they still end up fucked.

But one unpleasant truth that has been tactfully avoided in All New X-men thus far is the fate of Angel. O5 Angel himself pointed out that nobody seems keen on telling him what the hell happened to his older self. Any X-men fan who has been following the X-books closely for the past year knows why everyone is being so polite about it. They don’t want to be the ones to tell O5 Angel, “Sorry kid, but you had your wings cut off and you joined an ancient mutant tyrant named Apocalypse, who you ended up becoming. Not only that, you had your entire mind completely wiped clean so that the guy you were is practically dead. Also, you once had a hot Asian chick for a girlfriend and now you’ve lost both her and the memory of what she looked like naked.” That’s pretty damn harsh, especially for a teenager who is rich and used to being able to buy his way out of shitty situations.

The previous issue of All New X-men focused primarily on O5 Cyclops getting a pep talk from Mystique while the others began their training with Kitty Pryde. It made for many powerful moments where O5 Cyclops confronted the unpleasant truth about the asshole he had become. Brian Michael Bendis captured all the drama and emotions of that realization perfectly. But in between the pages of this drama, he had O5 Angel meet up with his future self. They didn’t confront any painful truths. All Angel did was give his past self a hug in what may be the most uncomfortable moment a teenage boy could face that doesn’t involve a Catholic priest. O5 Angel is still anxiously curious, but the truth still hasn’t come out. And since this book is making a habit out of revealing uncomfortable truths, I think O5 Angel and O5 Cyclops are going to need several metric tons of Jack Daniels when they learn all the horrible details. I would pick up the tab if I could, but I’m content to see Bendis squeeze more drama from it.

All New X-men #8 is ripe with plenty of discomfort from the get go. O5 Angel isn’t exactly enjoying the flight with his future self. He tagged along in the previous issue in hopes of finding out why he’s more goofed up than a bleach blond cheerleader high on laughing gas. His future counterpart tries to explain, but does a piss poor job or doesn’t try very hard. It’s difficult to tell. But O5 Angel knows some crazy shit happened to him because his future self has metal wings and keeps referring to himself in the third person and not in the typical douchy David Hasselhoff way. But maybe I’m being too harsh. Does Angel even fully understand how much he was fucked up by the events of the Dark Angel Saga? He seems to know that his whole live was erased, but gives surprisingly few fucks about it.

O5 Angel keeps pressing for more information from his air-headed future self, but their otherwise horribly awkward flight is interrupted by a commotion at the Avengers tower. For reasons that I suspect involve alcohol and a bad batch of blow, Hydra decided to attack the Avengers Tower. I’m sure there are easier ways to spend a lazy afternoon, but I guess Hydra doesn’t have an X-box or internet porn. Any other questions O5 Angel had for his future self are put on hold so they can play hero.

Now I was initially tempted to rant a bit on how random the Hydra attack is. Because on the surface it really is one of the most bland threats the Marvel universe can slap into a comic without using killer robots. And it is contrived in that this attack takes place just as Angel and his O5 counterpart are flying over New York and having one of the most awkward conversations in history. And maybe it’s the watered down whiskey I bought on sale, but I don’t have too big a problem with it because it does serve a purpose. In some ways, that has to be somewhat reassuring. Even if he is a brain-dead blond who belongs on a reality show, Angel is still a hero and Hydra are your standard punching bags.

The action that follows is fairly standard, yet nicely detailed. O5 Angel’s inexperience shows in how he’s not exactly John McClane in taking on Hydra. Hell, the most badass thing he does is point out how retarded it is to just attack the front door of your hated enemy in broad daylight. But he’s still a teenager with very limited hero experience whereas his future self may be brain damaged, but he’s got metal wings. And metal wings are both useful and badass in fighting Hydra.

Again, it may seem bland on the surface, but the battle is refreshing in another way. It is actually the first dose of action that this series has had in quite a while. All New X-men hasn’t exactly been a battle royale since it started. It wasn’t touted to be one either. The past few issues have focused primarily on the O5 trying to get over how fucked up they are in the future. And since Marvel doesn’t like going too many issues without attacks by killer robots and Nazi wannabes, it’s both refreshing and fitting.

However, O5 Angel’s inexperience and overall whiny bitchiness catches up to him. Hydra may be glorified target practice in the Marvel universe, but even the dumbest drunk occasionally lands a punch. One of Hydra’s killer robot mechs manages to wound O5 Angel and since his future self clearly saw Back to the Future, he knows the consequences of his younger self dying and of trying to fuck his own mother. So he manages to stop being a walking blond joke and help out his younger self. This, of course, makes them more vulnerable to Hydra’s onslaught, but like Nazis in real life you can usually expect Hydra to fuck up every opportunity that comes their way.

Even if they don’t fuck up their opportunity, luck and karma eventually do them in. Even Hydra should have realized that it was only a matter of time before the Avengers figured out that someone was attacking their home. Given how protective Tony Stark is about his booze or Hawkeye is about his porno stash, they eventually show up in full force and proceed to beat the everloving shit out of them until their next head takes its place. It’s all over pretty damn quickly, but an attack by Hydra is basically a typical Tuesday for the Avengers. I imagine seeing a time displaced Angel is something that probably only happens once every couple of months.

Since disruptions to the space-time continuum are kind of a big deal if you want to keep a universe intact, the Avengers pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute where Captain America has a little chat with Beast. And by chat just assume that means “What the fuck were you thinking and/or smoking?!” We have to assume that because we don’t actually hear what they’re saying. It’s all happening in the background and instead we’re given the cliff notes by Iceman and Kitty Pryde. Granted, these cliff notes are probably less boring than Cap and Beast arguing the ethics of time travel. But they’re not all that memorable either. It’s a nice way for Bendis to maintain the tone of the series. However, it does somewhat distract from the real issue of the Avengers finding out that there time-displaced X-men among them.

But it isn’t the case that Beast convinces Captain America that he was right and/or sober when he brought the O5 to the present. After a few childish insights from Iceman and Kitty Pryde, O5 Cyclops actually enters the picture and addresses Captain America. And he does so with more maturity than a teenager is supposed to have. But this makes perfect sense in the context of the previous issue where Cyclops got a pep talk from Mystique and committed to making things right. And in order to do that in a future where the Avengers have a billion dollar movie, he needed the blessing of Captain America and that’s exactly what he got.

While this is perfectly fitting, it doesn’t really leave much impact. Once O5 Cyclops makes his plea, the Avengers just up and leave. Nothing else is said. No other concerns are stated. They’re just “You think you can handle this without fucking up the time stream beyond repair? Sounds okay to me! It can’t be any more dangerous than claiming a cosmic force is going to kick start the mutant race now can it?” Given how much more cohesive the Marvel universe has become since Avengers vs. X-men, it makes perfect sense that the Avengers would find out about the O5 at some point. But here it just seems like they shrug their shoulders and go back to hunting down Hydra. It seems like a missed opportunity and a relatively glossed over moment, but at least Bendis actually addressed it. There are too many writers who would probably take the “Let’s not and say we did" approach.

But one person who isn’t satisfied with being in the present of O5 Angel. Unlike his fellow X-men, he voted not to stay in the future a few issues ago. And after seeing how fucked up his future self is, he’s officially had enough. So in a wonderfully crafted outburst of teenage drama, he storms off and attempts to use the time machine that brought them to the future to take him back to the past. His teammates argue with him, informing him that Professor Xavier would probably just wipe his mind. And he’s perfectly okay with that too because like the handcuffs and anal beads you find in your mothers room, it’s probably better not knowing.

It’s another prime example of Brian Michael Bendis capturing emotion and drama in a story. This is the life-blood in All New X-men and O5 Angel displays it very nicely here. In the same way he captured the emotions of O5 Cyclops, he did the same here with O5 Angel. In addition, he showed a completely different perspective to the others. Angel was so upset by his future that he was inclined to ditch the X-men completely. That shows that while the team is committed to staying in the future, they are not united in the slightest. Hell, they might as well be the Oakland Raiders.

As emotional as Angel’s rant is, he’s cut short in a very strange and sudden way. One moment he’s intent on going back to the past. The next he wants to know what’s for lunch. It’s a huge WTF moment at first until you find out the source of it. It’s name is Jean Grey and even as a teenager she has a nice rack. In a very un-Jean like moment, she mind-fucks her friend and someone she had the hots for in the early days of Uncanny X-men. She basically “calmed him down” as she said it, but probably only because “mind fuck” hasn’t entered her vocabulary just yet. But if this is a sign, it’s a word she probably ought to learn.

It makes for a powerful and ominous ending. Jean Grey just mind-fucked one of her teammates and everyone is looking at her like she just bit the head off of a chicken and spit down its neck. She claims to be in control, but only in the same way Iran claims to be a peaceful, non-nuclear nation. It’s ominous because that’s the same mentality that Jean Grey had when she died during the latter portion of Grant Morrison’s New X-men run. Has gaining telepathy really changed Jean Grey that much from the lovable teenager we know so well? It’s hard to say, but until she starts dressing in skin-tight leather pants we can only speculate!

Unless you’re a sociopath, a Nazi, or a registered Republican it’s perfectly natural to have sympathy for whoever is the most screwed over in a story. In a series like All New X-men, there’s an abundance of screwing for multiple characters. Brian Michael Bendis has been taking his time to explore the screwing of every character. He nearly killed Beast. He showed Jean Grey reacting to her multiple deaths and that of her family. And he exposed teenage Cyclops to a world where he’s a wanted fugitive and magazines cost five bucks a pop. This issue felt like a natural progression in how the Original Five X-men are dealing with this fucked up future that doesn’t involve killer robots ruling the world. More importantly, it continued the emotional and dramatic tone that has helped make this book that is both entertaining and something you can give your girlfriend without her bitching about how all the women have big boobs. That’s not to say she won’t find something else to bitch about, but at least this comic doesn’t make it easy for her.

But it wasn’t just progression that made this comic awesome. One thing that this issue had that previous issues didn’t was significant action. It wasn’t just Cyclops shooting Wolverine again. As much fun as that is, a battle against Hydra is almost as classic. Yes, it was somewhat random. But it was a nice way to get the Avengers involved. They had to notice at some point that someone had been fucking with the space-time continuum and for once it wasn’t Dr. Doom. It’s probably best they find out after a battle with Hydra instead of seeing it on Youtube in between cat videos and the Harlem Shake. And it didn’t just provide some mindless brutality, which I would argue was badly needed for this series. It showed just how uncomfortable O5 Angel was in this future and how goofy future Angel really is.

It was O5 Angel that made this issue compelling in the same way O5 Cyclops made the previous issue so compelling. Unlike his teammates, he wants no part in this future and has no desire to change it. Like so many other rich people, he’s content to live in a fantasy world where lower taxes reduces the national debt and where his older self doesn’t have the mental capacity of a brain damaged Paris Hilton. He’s been musing over this for multiple issues, which helps add to the tight continuity that Bendis has managed so well since this series began. Now it has finally overwhelmed him and it took Jean Grey to unclench his asshole and not in the fun way either.

This lack of impact is the only real sticking point of All New X-men #8. Everything else from the artwork to the dialog to the action scenes continued to meet the already high standards that Bendis has established. If this series were a porn star, it would be a young Jenna Jameson just after she got her first boob job. In that same sense All New X-men has all the tools it needs to bring joy to the readers without as much lube or tissues. And so long as Brian Michael Bendis keeps meeting such high standards, there will be plenty of awesome (and boners) to go around. I give All New X-men #8 a 4.5 out of 5. If you’re an emotional person with a heart condition, you may want to stay away from this comic in the same way you want to stay away from boner pills. Otherwise, this is probably the best X-men comic if not the best Marvel comic on the racks right now. And like a young Jenna Jameson, you want to enjoy it before it becomes jaded and hooked on prescription pain killers. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 - Heart-To-Heart Awesome

I imagine having to work closely with your ex is more awkward than having your prostate exam filmed in IMAX and showed in 3D in front of your whole family on your wedding day. There's a good reason why God gave human beings the ability to feel bitter and scorned. When two people have loved, boned, and lost their capacity to coordinate is complicated to a point where you would have a better chance teaching a cricket advanced calculus than finding a way to make it work. Bitterness is nature's way of telling us shit isn't working out and you'll only make it worse by trying.

Unfortunately, Cyclops and Emma Frost don't have the luxury of moving to different hemispheres and expunging all memories of one another through bitterness, alcohol, and revenge sex. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, their long-standing relationship that had Marvel had been pimping like a hooker with fresh breast implants for nearly a decade came to an end. There's just no coming back from lashing out at one another while high on cosmic force. I also imagine that Emma mind-humping Namor while he laid waste to Wakanda didn't help either. Brian Michael Bendis said outright when his relaunch of Uncanny X-men was first announced that Cyclops and Emma Frost would no longer be romantically involved. Yet they would be stuck on the same team because when you're a fugitive and your powers are fucked up, you don't have the luxury of not teaming up with your ex.

I admit I never thought Marvel would do this because for so long they seemed hopelessly intent on making Cyclops/Emma the number one fuck buddies in the Marvel universe. I wouldn't have had a problem with this if they actually did what they did for other famous comic book couples and built up their relationship. Instead, they decided to make it one long re-run of Two and a Half Men, consisting mostly of bed scenes ripped off from old pornos and one-liners that essentially robbed both characters of their romantic credibility. Now I'm all for tits, asses, dicks, and butts in my comic books. But if the intent was to make Cyclops and Emma's love more mature and powerful than Cyclops and Jean, then that's not the way to go about it. That would be like trying to make Jessica Alba hotter by rubbing shit on her face. I made many rants on this blog about how unwilling Marvel was to create any tension with this couple. Yet here I am, my jaw open and my dick hard at their decision to break them up. And for that, I applaud them.

But as surprised I was to see Cyclops and Emma break up, I was equally surprised to see them remain on the same team. All New X-men and Uncanny X-men #1 show that they are taking part in a new mutant revolution. In addition to ending their relationship, Avengers vs. X-men kick started the mutant race again. And Cyclops isn't dicking around. He's taking a far more revolutionary approach because he doesn't think the human race is going to react in a calm, rational manner in dealing with the sudden re-emergence of the mutant race after having gotten so used to dealing with them as an endangered species. He's not wrong, but he's still being a dick about it. That was the main reason why Magneto visited SHIELD in Uncanny X-men #1 with the intent of helping Cyclops lose more than his access to Emma Frost's pussy. So in a team with a bitter ex-girlfriend and a bitter teammate, Cyclops's revolution is already on shaky ground.

Uncanny X-men #2 takes plenty of time to explore these shaky grounds on which Cyclops is building his revolution. We first explore the inner musings of a pissed off ex-girlfriend. While I’m sure my ex-girlfriends probably thought more about where they would hide the dead bodies, Emma Frost dwells on how utterly broken she is. And Bendis doesn’t skimp on the details either. She reflects on how she fucked her powers up and how she fucked her relationship with Cyclops up by listening to the wet spot in her panties when she was around Namor. She really is broken in that the life she had before Avengers vs. X-men is in complete ruin.

But as dramatic as this musing is, a more striking musing is that she actually takes the time to blame Tony Stark for the shit that happened with the Phoenix Force. This is the first time any character has actually noted that it was Mr. I-Shoot-Shit-With-Big-Guns-And-I’m-Not-Referring-To-My-Penis who fucked the Phoenix up. And it comes from someone better known for her bra size than her brain. For that, I applaud Emma Frost for crafting the most rational musings of an ex-girlfriend in the history of humanity. That and she still has a nice rack.

Eventually, Cyclops confronts her before those thoughts of hiding dead bodies can enter her mind. From here, she and Cyclops have a true heart-to-heart. It’s a conversation that was long overdue and one that was building since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They essentially clear the air in that they make clear that they’re not going to be seeing each other naked anymore, but they will make an effort to work together for the sake of these new mutants. Bendis doesn’t leave any Matt Fraction-style ambiguity here in that he has Cyclops and Emma make clear that they can’t get back together after the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. And it makes perfect sense too. You just can’t go back from ripping cosmic forces out of one another and boning other people in your mind while they lay waste to a country. But having been together and exchanged an untold amount of bodily fluids, they trust each other and know they can help one another.

Reading this conversation gave me a tingly feeling I usually don’t get without a blowjob and a bag of premium Mexican weed. Having gone on so many drunken rants about the flaws in the Cyclops/Emma relationship that have emerged over the past few years, it’s actually a great relief to see them part ways in such a clean, amicable way. None of my post-breakup conversations with ex’s have ever gone this well. Hell, most didn’t end without some kind of property damage. But even though Bendis already made it clear that the relationship is over, there’s a certain power in seeing it truly end on-panel. While I know the Cyclops/Emma fanboys may be bawling like someone shoved a peeled onion up their ass, it is a historic moment. Cyclops and Emma as a couple are no more. Excuse me while I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels to commemorate this moment.

Like many powerful moments in comics, there’s an inevitable buzzkill and it’s not uncommon for a very disturbed teenager to be involved. This is certainly no exception. After Cyclops and Emma have their moment, Magik shows up to let them know their new students are ready for a little orientation. Unlike the others, her powers weren’t fucked up by the Phoenix Force and somehow she ended up becoming even more creepy. Even Cyclops and Emma concede she’s more fucked up than any teenage girl who hasn’t caught her boyfriend making out with her father. She too agrees that it’s good that Cyclops and Emma aren’t together anymore, but I’m not sure how much weight I would give the opinion of a pretty blond who rubs elbows with demons. I’ll overlook a lot of flaws in pretty girls, but Magik is one of the few that is more likely to make a man cringe rather than give him a boner.

We then shift from a dramatic and heart-felt conversation to something more pragmatic and less gay. Going all the way back to All New X-men, Cyclops and his team have recruited a number of new mutants such as Eva, Christopher, Benjamin, and the latest being Fabio (a Mexican teenager not to be confused with the hot guy women of the 90s wanted to bone). Having gone through the trouble of turning an old Weapon X Facility into a brank spankin’ new Xavier Institute, they give these new mutants a hint at what they’re in for.

They start by reminding them of the Sentinel attack in the previous issue, which offers a nice sense of continuity in the story. Then they point out that they’re not alone. They’re the first of a new generation of mutants that is poised to populate the world like Evander Holyfield’s illegitimate kids. It offers a nice overview of what these kids are now caught up in. Since this is still only the second issue of this latest forced relaunch, it’s a nice touch in terms of setting the stage for this series.

And beyond the bigger picture of mutant relations, Cyclops even gives them a brief overview of their new home away from home. We already know they’ve been constructing a new Xavier Institute since the beginning of All New X-men. We don’t know how the fuck they manage that when they’re powers are broken and they’re wanted fugitives. I guess when you’ve got Magneto, demon-loving teenage girl, a rich ex-girlfriend with big tits you can pull strings. But given how quickly Wolverine slapped his Jean Grey Institute together, I won’t belabor the how and just marvel at the finished product. It may seem like needless exposition, taking the time to depict the layout of the new base when most readers could give a milliliter of wolf piss about such details. But I think that kind of attention to detail is what separates good comics from awesome comics. You can accuse Brian Bendis of a lot of things like being way too bald for a white guy, but you can’t accuse him of not paying attention to details in a story.

But as nice as their new digs are, the new mutants express concern about their families and the lives they’re leaving behind. Some are all too eager to get the fuck away from their boring ass lives. Fabio mentioned he was selling corndogs on a stick before his powers kicked in. Who would want to go back to that? But others, like Eva, still have a family and want to stay in touch with them. Cyclops makes it clear they’re not prisoners and can leave whenever they want. And unlike the cult leaders that demand all the cute young girls sleep in his bed to find God, he actually means it. So with Magik’s help, they create a few portals so they can check in with some of the insanely worried families. Again, it’s the kind of detail you don’t usually see in an X-men comic. Usually, when someone becomes a mutant, it’s all “fuck the family and let’s kill giant robots!” It adds yet another nice personal touch that really helps give this comic a unique feel.

While visiting a family may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Magneto is in a position to fuck it up. At the end of the previous issue, Bendis revealed in one of the least surprising twists of all time that Magneto was secretly coordinating with SHIELD to bring about Cyclops’s downfall. And for some reason Cyclops wasn’t suspicious in the slightest when Magneto shaved his head and opted to stay behind while they left. While it’s reasonable to assume that his conversation with SHIELD took place before the sentinel attack in the first issue, we still don’t get any clarification on the sequence of events that led to him shaving his head. But it is another instance of Bendis not skimping on the details and taking advantage of an established plot, as unsurprising as it may be.

The team arrives in Australia and they manage to avoid being bitten by one of the many poisonous snakes that inhabit the County that God clearly wanted to keep uninhabited. The newbies are still getting over the novelty of teleporting through Limbo. One of the students, Benjamin, actually seems turned on by it and seems to indicate that he wants to be the pitchfork to Magik’s devil-loving fetish. That’s a very poor dick joke, but you get what I mean. Magik does tell him to keep it in his pants because the point of the visit is to talk to Eva’s family. It makes for another nice moment where Eva reunites with her mother. It looks like she may even invite Cyclops’s team in for tea. It’s as pleasant a visit as they could have hoped for.

But we all know where this shit is going. Anyone who has followed the X-men in any capacity knows they don’t have pleasant visits anywhere. At some point they’re going to be attacked by giant robots, evil geneticists, or religious bigots. They might as well a deer in Ted Nugant’s back yard. However, this time they’re confronted by a very different threat. Before they left, Magneto informed SHIELD of where they were going and before they could even get sun-burned by the Australian sun the fucking Avengers show up. It’s another stern reminder that Cyclops is still a wanted fugitive because nobody wants to blame Tony fucking Stark for shooting big guns and waving his dick in the face of a cosmic force. Now I could argue in several blog posts why the Avengers are total assholes for wanting to throw Cyclops in a jail cell while Wolverine and Wanda run free, but I’ll save that for another case of whiskey. I would much rather just entertain thoughts at how fucked up this battle is going to be in the next issue.

If the first issue of this ridiculously forced re-launch of Uncanny X-men was intended to offer a general taste of Uncanny X-men, this second issue dug deep into the shit-stained bowels of the personalities behind this book. And remarkably, what emerges smells less like shit and more like scented rose petals carefully placed on Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. Whereas the previous issue gave you giant robots and a pseudo-twist that was less surprising than the number of people Seth MacFarlane pissed off with his Oscar jokes, this issue addressed those smaller issues that usually get overlooked in between battles with giant robots.

The conversation with Cyclops and Emma was the highlight and taking the time to visit the families of their new recruits perfectly complemented the theme of adding a personal touch. In some ways it got a bit too personal, almost to the point that it feels like it belonged in a gynecology office. But Bendis made this issue awesome by presenting the characters in a profoundly raw manner. These aren’t just X-men. They’re people with issues too fucked up for Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and most (but not all) reality TV shows.

Beyond the personal elements, this issue was wonderfully concise in how it followed the events of the previous issue. In addition to recruiting new mutants, Cyclops’s new team has to go through the fun of teaching a bunch of hormonal teenagers how to manage their powers. When one of them seems to be fantasizing about boning a demon-loving blond, you know you’ve got an uphill battle. But as Cyclops pointed out himself, Emma Frost is a very good and very competent teacher. Her ability to reach young minds is only equaled by her ability to cause boners. In addition, Bendis even took the time to give readers a layout of the new Xavier Institute. Unlike Wolverine’s Jean Grey Institute, it doesn’t have the architecture or style of a Lady Gaga concert nor does it reinforce his obscenely unhealthy obsession with a woman he never got to bone. It may seem trivial, but it’s these little details that make good comics great and great comics ball-bustingly awesome.

I get that some readers will probably be bored senseless or not appreciate the decompressed, detail-oriented story-telling Brian Bendis is using here. I’m sure many of those readers will read this issue and say “To hell with all this talking shit! Either show us your boobs or fight more giant robots!” Look, if you want that kind of Michael Bay-inspired action, go drop some LSD and watch the Matrix. But it’s not inaccurate to say that this issue was a setup issue in some sense that it just set the stage for Magneto’s betrayal to lead the Avengers right to Cyclops. It just completely ignores all those special personal moments that actually make readers give a damn about what happens to these characters. But if some people can ignore laws, facts, and birth certificates I guess some people can ignore those special little things that make comics awesome.

At this point, I’m still of the opinion that All New X-men is superior to Uncanny X-men, but not by much. Uncanny X-men is still behind in terms of awesome, but so close that it could smell a wet fart. I still have some reservations about little details like Magneto being bald, where the new uniforms came from, and how Magneto got back from SHIELD custody. But those are not the kind of details that are necessary to keep this book from earning my highest praise. I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 5 out of 5. If nothing else about this comic appeals to you, at least celebrate that Emma Frost and Cyclops are now single and ready to mingle! The race is on. Who will they bone next? I’m sure Bendis has plans and I’m equally sure fanfiction writers will have something horribly depraved. Either way, it’s a great time to be an X-man fan and/or to have a boner. Nuff said!