Objectifying The Mission: X-Force #1

The following is my review of X-Force #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Very few professions outside of the circus involve having fun at work. Anyone else that tries to make light of their job is either fired or reflected in a Dilbert comic strip. And that shouldn’t surprise anyone. Work isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a serious, boring, and tedious array of tasks that reward competence with a means to enjoy tasks that are exactly the opposite. However, there are a select few that dare to enjoy their work and even fewer dare to have fun with it. But an occupation that involves being part of a secret team of superheroes that skip the part where the heroes dutifully hand the bad guys over to the authorities doesn’t sound like a place where any sane human being would dare to have fun. Yet that’s exactly the sentiment that X-Force #1 conveys.

This issue is part of a second wave of re-launched titles that makes up Marvel’s All New Marvel NOW! initiative. While this has opened up many new creative avenues for other series, X-Force has been one of those avenues that has been meandering aimlessly since the end of Rick Remender’s run on Uncanny X-Force. There used to be two X-Force teams operating with a different set of characters, a different set of missions, and a different set of circumstances. But in the same way shining two flashlights together doesn’t make a room brighter, having two teams didn’t make the concept of X-Force more engaging. It just made everything more chaotic.

From the beginning, X-Force #1 streamlines the concept of X-Force and it does it in a way that not as brooding as it could have been. It’s still a much darker tone than the other X-men titles. At its core, X-Force is a team that takes on missions that can’t be accomplished through heroic means. They’re like the sewer system of a clean city. Nobody sees it or appreciates it, but it has to be there or things get very messy in the worst possible way. It has Cable returning to his role as a battle-hardened soldier who has a very low tolerance for incompetence and an immense bravado that allows him to dip his hands into the dirtiest missions. However, what really sells this new breed of X-Force is the perspective of its newest member, Marrow.

She’s a C-list character that has been MIA from the X-men comics for many years. She’s also one of those characters that has never been sufficiently developed, but she does have a certain edge to her. She’s tough, she’s brave, and she’s immature to a fault. That makes her the perfect guide in a sense for introducing this new era of X-Force. And she does it in a way wholly unfit for a shadowy team of X-men with questionable ethics in that she sees it as a fun new job. At times, she sounds like a kid that just got a job as a taster in an ice cream factory. Marrow sees the violence surrounding X-Force and likens it to music. That’s akin to calling rotting meat appetizing.

This tone offers an interesting perspective to X-Force, but it also detracts from the very serious mission that the team has taken on. It’s not a very novel threat. Someone has turned a mutant into a bomb and that bomb has already been used to secretly kill thousands of people. It’s a threat that seems to emerge every other month in the Marvel universe, but it’s a threat that X-Force is best equipped to deal with because those involved make it clear that they respond to violence and not diplomacy. And the way X-Force deals with this threat is appropriately violent and effective. Marrow’s playful and at times childish assessment of this mission is entertaining, although at some point it does become a distraction.

That point takes place when Marrow gets to act as the proverbial hammer that delivers the most violence against this mysterious foe. The way she talks to Cable, Psylocke, and her teammates sounds more befitting of a co-op mission in Call of Duty. It’s childish to the point where it detracts from the underlying mission for X-Force. While nobody can claim she isn’t having fun with her new role, it makes for an uneven tone throughout the book.

And it isn’t just Marrow’s immature perspective that creates this tone either. Fantomex joins the team as well and is quick to exploit his history with Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force. But unlike previous interactions, there’s little melodrama or romantic tension. Fantomex is about as charming as a drunken frat boy and Psylocke is as hostile to his remarks as Nickelback haters. While their romantic sub-plot has already played out, they have no excuse for lacking maturity. It removes any possibility of drama from the story.

This may be the biggest shortcoming of X-Force #1. In an effort to keep the tone of the book from getting too grim and gritty, it tries to inject a little infantile banter in between the mission. In the process it prevents the story from having a dramatic impact. In addition, the circumstances surrounding the mission lack details. There’s little explanation about what happened to the members of the other X-Force teams. There’s also little explanation as to why Hope Summers is now in a coma for some reason. While the concept itself works on paper, the transition to it and the execution are lacking. It’s like building a train set with half the pieces missing. Some parts of it come together while others don’t.

None-the-less, X-Force #1 succeeds in presenting a more classic incarnation of X-Force. This is a team that has a clear mission that won’t be mistaken for any other X-men team. Cable provides the classic, hardnosed leadership to set the tone for a team of this nature. And its newest member Marrow provides an entertaining, albeit immature perspective. That perspective may not resonate with everybody, but it’s a concept that still works. It also proves that no matter how dirty a job may be, there will always be someone who finds a way to have fun with it.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #18

Was it really that long ago that Hope fucking Summers was actually a sympathetic character and not some bullshit Jean Grey ripoff? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm serious. I don't know if I've killed too many brain cells, but I really can't remember a time when she actually was sympathetic and not some bratty little bitch who was about as likable as a rectal wart. She is one of the reasons why Avengers vs. X-men sucked so hard that it would have given Larry Flint a boner. She is also by far the least compelling character Marvel has conjured since fucking Geldoff. But once again, she is supposed to be at the center of a big crossover between Cable and X-Force and Uncanny X-Force. These are two books that have never been that awesome. They've been dry-humping the line between mediocrity and awesome for quite some time. Now they're not just crossing over. They’re setting the stage for yet another relaunch and that process begins in Cable and X-Force #18. I want to be excited, but I’m still hung over from the holidays so I’ll just try not to dry heave whenever I mention Hope fucking Summers in this review.

In an effort to keep my hangover from getting any worse, there is a nice little montage of the time when Hope fucking Summers was at least partially sympathetic. It takes the form of a nightmare where she remembers how Bishop dedicated every moment of every second of her life to hunt her down and kill her. If anything, that makes me more sympathetic to Bishop because 16 years of failures would be enough to discourage even the dumbest wannabe assassin. But it’s still more traumatic for her so she wakes up scared, gets herself some ice cream, and joins Boomer. It helps that Boomer also can’t sleep, but she has a much healthier (and sexier) way of dealing with it. She likes to dance around in her underwear to music while playing video from Cable’s apocalyptic visions of the future. Okay, so maybe it’s not that much healthier, but it’s still much sexier.

It only becomes exceedingly unsexy when one of the visions of the future includes Bishop. This naturally causes Hope fucking Summers to freak out and drop her ice cream, thereby insulting ice cream lovers all over the world. She hasn’t seen Bishop alive since before she even returned to the present and learned there was such a wonderful invention like ice cream. I imagine it would be somewhat jarring, but I do have a slight a problem with this. And by slight, I mean it’s enough to make me dry heave again.

Bishop has been back in the present for a while now. I know Cable and his team are on the run, but they do have the fucking internet in the Marvel universe. And I imagine Cable isn’t stupid enough not to keep tabs on the activities of the X-men. If he did, then he would at least have gotten a hint that Bishop has been back in the pages of Uncanny X-Force for quite a while now. Now I understand that time in comics flows more inconsistently than the plot of Inception, but for a guy that tormented Cable and Hope fucking Summers for 16 fucking years, I find it too fucked up that a vision of the future would reveal that he’s back. Hell, I find it hard to believe that Bishop wouldn’t have trended on Twitter in the Marvel universe once he returned. And since Hope fucking Summers has to find new ways to make people hate her, she decides to hit Boomer with a cattle prod when she tries to get her to slow the fuck down after deciding to go hunt down and kill Bishop. There is a short list of unforgivable crimes in the Marvel universe. Tasing a pretty blond in her underwear is definitely top 5 and leave it to Hope fucking Summers to overachieve.

Now the other X-Force team enters the equation. But unlike Cable and X-Force, Uncanny X-Force has been more forgettable than Tim Tebow’s career as a New York Jet. The only noteworthy event that has taken place recently is that Storm recently erased a good chunk of Bishop’s memories, namely those having to do with when he was trying to kill Hope. It was basically something cut and pasted from what Marvel did to redeem Tony Stark after Civil War. When a character is too much of an asshole, just erase their memories. When that fails, make a deal with Mephisto and blame magic. I’m glad they didn’t take it that far, but I can tell they were probably tempted.

It’s a nice little recap for those who boldly followed Uncanny X-Force after it plunged head first into mediocrity. It reveals the bullshit method that was used in Uncanny X-Force to make Bishop at least somewhat less of an asshole. That doesn’t keep him from being an asshole though. He still doesn’t appreciate Storm fucking with his mind. He understands why it was done and he might even concede that it was a good idea. It still pisses him off. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be pissed off, but it comes off as inane and petty. The guy basically just got to reboot the part of his character that made him an asshole without a retcon or clones. That, in and of itself, is an accomplishment.

Back with Cable’s X-Force, Boomer wakes up from Hope fucking Summers’s latest feat of douche-baggery and alerts Cable. She figures he would take a strong interest in his adopted daughter going on a one-man mission to kill a guy who spent 16 years trying to kill her. And she figures right. She even did it while still in her underwear. Again, everything is more awesome when it’s done by a cute blond in her underwear. But Cable’s first reaction isn’t to say, “That’s my girl! I’m going to go help her just in case.” He actually wants to go and stop her and for a reason that’s every bit as fucked up as Bishop’s redemption.

Cable flat out concedes that Bishop probably deserves to get shot in the head and thrown into trash compactor. But he also argues that Hope fucking Summers doesn’t deserve to become a cold-blooded killer. And for that, I say bullshit on a solid gold platter. Cable has taught this girl from birth to be a soldier and to shoot guns. What did he expect her to do with those skills? Only kill for the right reasons? He fucking let her join a team with unapologetic killers, some of whom have probably murdered in cold blood before. And now he’s suddenly concerned about how she employs the skills he taught him? Cable may be badass, but he’s totally full of shit.

I continue to sympathize more with Bishop at this point, who decided he needed some fresh air from the rest of his team. But fresh air can be pretty fucking deadly when he’s a target of Hope fucking Summers. He’s just minding his own business, being pissed off in a way that will only upset a few random bums sleeping on the streets. Then the next thing he knows, Hope fucking Summers shoots an RPG at him. Now I haven’t forgotten that Bishop has tried to shoot her with far worse. I even concede that he probably has this coming. But the way Hope fucking Summers goes about it, trying to sound all brave and bold about confronting her own personal boogyman, only makes her less sympathetic. She’s not a scared little girl anymore. She’s grown into an unapologetic bitch that even my penis can’t respect anymore.

That RPG triggers Round 601 of Bishop vs. Hope fucking Summers and the rest of Storm’s X-Force has no idea at first. They believe for some reason that it’s a good idea for Bishop to just go for a walk and fume on his own because it’s not like anyone has ever gotten into trouble for walking around pissed. Hell, that’s what the entire Grand Theft Auto series is built on. When Psylocke does eventually get around to scanning for his mind, she finds out that he’s neck deep in Hope fucking Summers’s bitch rage. Now they know how fucking stupid it was to just let him wander off, but it’s too late. Now they have to go after him and calmly explain to an unreasonable 16-year-old brat that things are different now and Bishop doesn’t need to be killed. They might as well try to explain science to Pat Robertson.

The battle between Bishop and Hope fucking Summers is pretty predictable. They throw a bunch of punches while Hope fucking Summers bitches and moans about how much she hates him. Again, she has completely shit all over any trace of sympathy that her character once had at this point. Bishop does try to explain himself, but he barely gets out any coherent words. He probably sounds like a drunk James Earl Jones to her at this point. And just before Hope fucking Summers is about to deliver the final blow and cement herself in the little bitch hall of fame, something unpredictable happens in the worst possible way.

Stryfe shows up. That’s really the only way I can describe it. He shows up in a big glowing portal of light. There’s no reason, no buildup, and no logic to it. While Stryfe did show up in one of the visions that Boomer was dancing to earlier, there’s still not a single fucking detail surrounding his appearance. It just fucking happens. If it’s an effort to be shocking, it fails miserably because it didn’t build off anything. Stryfe just stepped in before Hope fucking Summers could finish the job. It’s not just too convenient. It makes no fucking sense.

Naturally, Cable is way too fucking late to stop him. He arrives just in time to see Stryfe take both Bishop and Hope fucking Summers back into the glowing portal he came from. He doesn’t say anything that Dr. Doom hasn’t already said before. He taunts Cable for not being as powerful as he used to be. He basically gives him a big middle finger and claims to have some big, elaborate plan. But if that plans involves abducting Bishop and Hope fucking Summers, I can’t imagine a plan like that making any sense whatsoever. He leaves Cable before he can make it even somewhat interesting. It really is as random and poorly set up as it sounds. The only way I could be more accurate is if I built a diorama out of horse shit.

And as soon as Stryfe disappears, Storm and her X-Force team show up. Like Cable, they’re way too fucking late. Once again, the traffic in Southern California costs lives and fucks everything up. They arrive knowing only that Hope fucking Summers is trying to kill Bishop. They don’t know Stryfe showed up and snuck off with them like a kid in a Hershey’s factory. And since so much of this issue has been built around shit that doesn’t make sense, they decide to gang up on Bishop and blame him. It seems like one of those wrong-place-wrong-time moments for Cable, but it’s still makes too little sense for an unsober mind to read. Hell, even a sober mind couldn’t make sense of it, not that I would know.

I can already see where this shit is going. Storm’s X-Force is going to try and kick Cable’s ass. Cable’s X-Force is going to try and kick their ass in return. Nobody is going to just take a deep breath and try to explain that Cable’s evil clone is back and just took Hope fucking Summers and Bishop. In the Marvel universe, that is actually a valid explanation every now and then. It reeks of the same pointless superhero brawling that turned Avengers vs. X-men into a steaming pile of shit. And seeing Hope fucking Summers take a shit on everything that made her a sympathetic character didn’t help. Hell, the best thing this issue had going for it was Boomer in her panties. That’s inherently awesome in its own right, but not awesome enough to get this big crossover off on the right foot. Cable and X-Force #18 gets a 4 out of 10. I could give it a lower score, but I do give points for effort. This comic at least tried to make an effort to have shit make sense, which is more than I can say for Avengers vs. X-men. It just wasn’t believable or compelling. And somehow, it made me think hate Hope fucking Summers even more and that’s saying something. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #12

Looking for an insightful assessment of a comic that incorporates legitimate literary criticisms and puts the story into a larger context of modern life? Well I'm sorry to say you're shit out of luck. If you want something written by an overly intellectual douche-bag, go somewhere else. This is a review written by a raving drunk with strong opinions and poor impulse control. So the New Yorker and the Walls Street Journal can kiss my ass because this is my review of Cable and X-Force #12. So unless you're one of those overly intellectual douche-bags, read on and enjoy the uncritical musings of an unsober mind.

The format in this issue is the same as the last issue in that it divides the ink between Cable’s team trying to stop one of his terrible visions of the future and Hope Summers becoming more of a whiney little puissant. It was fun in the last issue because we had two beautiful woman with Domino and Boom Boom having more fun than a hooker and a gallon of lube. Now Colossus gets in on the action. But instead of a car chase, he has to break into the safe in a Swiss bank. Granted, it’s not as thrilling or anywhere near as sexy, but it’s definitely an appropriate use of his skills.

And once again, Domino is the partner in crime with this issue. She’s a busy girl, first dealing with an explosive yet sexy Boom Boom and now dealing with a guy whose bone she jumped a few issues back. She gets around and not just in the way a Las Vegas stripper would with a double shift. She’s the one with the plan and Colossus is the one with the muscle. So together, they bust into the Swiss safe to retrieve what she calls the “Spawning Wellspring.” It sounds like a bad nature film or an awesome porno. It looks like a simple chess piece, but it’s actually a key to unlocking a demonic dimension. And as is often the case with demonic relics, they accidentally activate it and trigger a demon onslaught.

A demon threat alone would be a basic enough plot for this story. But that’s not all that happens here. Colossus, being either a hopeless romantic or starved for pussy during his stint in prison, tries to talk to Domino about their night together. She’s dismissive as Donald Rumsfeld, brushing it off as one of those “the adrenaline made me horny and the batteries on my vibrator died” situations. It’s cold, but it’s very in character for Domino. This woman once boned Wolverine on top of a bed of money. Why? Because she’s horny and because she can. What more could you want in a comic book woman?

On the other side of that coin, what LESS could you want in a comic book woman that hasn’t been demonstrated in Hope fucking Summers to date? Yes, I still hate her fucking guts. And yes, she gives me more reasons to do so in this issue. But it’s not immediately apparent. Sadly, Blaquesmith didn’t take his chance to end her sorry ass in the previous issue and she ended up transported to…you guessed it, ANOTHER apocalyptic future. Seriously, didn’t apocalyptic futures lose their appeal after the last Terminator movie? I guess not because this future involves killer robots, sentinels, and a female version of Stryfe. Hope is obviously confused, but why should she be? Hell, why should anyone be? It’s an apocalyptic future. Does there need to be an explanation? It only helps if Marvel wants that story to actually be good.

A much better story is already unfolding in the past. Colossus and Domino are fighting an army of evil demons, which on its own is only slightly more entertaining than fighting robots in an apocalyptic future. But what makes the battle here a lot more intriguing is that Cable and Domino actually manage to have a serious conversation about their relationship, or lack thereof, while it’s going on. It seems pretty out of place. Talking about relationships while fighting demons is like trying to play dodge ball with bowling balls while doing a crossword puzzle. One activity serious hinders another. Yet there is actually some genuine drama that comes from this chaos.

Colossus seems to want to try something serious with Domino. That must mean the sex with her is really that awesome. But Domino basically brushes it off, saying the sex was fun and all. But the relationships for people in their line of work rarely pan out. And she’s right. She could have referred to Cyclops and Emma Frost, but she doesn’t really need to provide examples when demons are attacking them. She could have just offered to still have sex, but not do much else. Most men spend their whole lives trying to set up an arrangement like that. Colossus is either a total dipshit or a genuine guy that Domino has never dealt with before. I’m leaning towards the former.

But as much fun as this relationship talk is, they still have to give the demon army a higher priority. And yes, I mean a higher priority than Domino’s pussy. This was supposed to be another pit stop in the ongoing mission to prevent Cable’s visions from coming to pass. They may have stepped in a few piles of cow shit by letting the demons out early, but they’re able to effectively wipe off their shoe and kick the ass of the cow. It’s a tough battle that feels more meaningful because of the relationship talk. It’s like a soap opera mixed with professional wrestling. It sounds like it shouldn’t work, but it does.

And the effects of Cable and Domino’s victory over the demon army doesn’t just mean more time to figure out how they’re going to keep boning. Apparently, this demon army that they unleashed somehow contributed to the apocalyptic future with Hope fucking Summers and the boobalicious version of Stryfe. The fight with Hope running from the killer robot demons isn’t all that intriguing. I don’t usually enjoy apocalyptic futures where I root for whatever fucked up the world. But for once, Hope fucking Summer actually becomes part of the story in a way that makes her scenes less frustrating.

By destroying the demon army in the past, they disappear in the future. So Hope fucking Summers gets a quick lesson in the Back to the Future physics of time travel. It may sound simple, but this sort of shit rarely happens in comics. It has only been recently that Marvel has tried to actually show time travel affect the future with Age of Ultron. The effect in this issue isn’t quite as dramatic, but it proves a valid point. X-Force is actually doing more than pissing off Havok and the Avengers. They are saving the future. In other words, suck it Avengers!

Saving the future also makes it easier for Colossus and Domino to finally have a quiet moment. The demons are gone and they’re stuck in a confined area with awkward silence. It would have been less awkward if they just started boning again. But Colossus has to be the romantic and flat out tell Domino that they can make it work beyond just casual fucking. A bigger question for him might be why the fuck would he want to? But that doesn’t stop him from sneaking in a kiss with Domino and effectively getting the ball rolling on what may be either a very volatile or very sexy relationship. Either way, Colossus can finally get his man card back. Anyone who can bone Domino deserves a second chance.

With all this drama and saving the future, it’s almost easy to forget that Cable had been captured by the Uncanny Avengers a few issues back. And we didn’t get even a hint at what was going on with him in the previous issue. Well now we finally catch up again and it makes that punch in the jaw he gave Havok in the first arc all the more justified. Havok is basically interrogating Cable while he’s in a contentment field of sorts. He’s trying to understand why Cable suddenly has an urge to punch him in the jaw and fight the Avengers, not paying attention to the fact that he’s been a cheap imported douche. And Cable, who is still dealing with the kind of seizures you don’t get without watching 10 hours of old anime in a row, tells him that he needs to stop his visions from happening and the Uncanny Avengers are getting in the way.

That still doesn’t explain the mystery of where the fuck these visions came from in the first place. Well at the end of the book, we finally get an answer and another reason to hate Hope fucking Summers. Still in the future, Blaquesmith and lady-Stryfe lead her into some kind of lair. And that’s where they make the big reveal. Lady Stryfe isn’t exactly Stryfe. She’s an older and presumably bitcher Hope fucking Summers. It’s not too surprising, but not too inane either. She basically admits that she’s the one giving Cable the visions because she understands better than anyone that fixing the future requires that she fuck with the past.

Now let’s examine the implications here. Hope fucking Summers is already a whiney little bitch who ditches the X-men after they do everything they can to save her, ditches the Avengers after they try to give her a normal life, and mind-fucks her foster parents after they try to give her a decent home. You would think that this puissant little rip-off character can’t do much worse, but she does here because she now admits that she’s the one fucking with Cable’s head. She’s actually tormenting the one person she claims to care about more than anyone else. Even if she’s doing it to save the future, she doesn’t seem to give a shit that she’s tormenting Cable. I want to say I’m surprised, but I’m either numb to her being such a bitch at this point or I’ve smoked too much weed. Or maybe it’s both.

Hope Summers is still a total bitch and every comic she’s in just keeps adding more reasons. But the chemistry between Domino and Colossus is pretty fucking hot. It’s amazing that this kind of drama can unfold in the midst of a fucking demon attack, but it did. I suspect Marvel is already in the process of patenting this therapy for future use. Plus, it shows that Colossus is finally flexing some balls, something he hasn’t done since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. That along with some beautifully convergent plots that finally start filling in the blanks make this comic a quality and boner-inducing story. Now let the smut fanfiction begin! I give Cable and X-Force #12 a 9 out of 10. It’s quite possibly the best issue in the series to date and if anyone feels otherwise, you’re welcome to challenge me in a drinking contest. Or just because you feel like it. Whichever comes first. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #10

When new comic books come out, a fuckton of chemicals in my brain mixes with a fuckton of chemicals I ingest to create the kind of assessment you won't find outside a bar fight at Comic Con. I've taken it upon myself to give comic book fans the perspective of a drunk for their comics because I've always felt that drunks offer the kind of twisted insight that reveals those special details that a sober mind misses. This is what my drunken mind came up with after reading Uncanny Avengers #10. If you're sober enough to handle it, please read on and prepare to be confused, amazed, and offended.

This issue actually begins the same way a Michael Moore movie begins, with a solemn monologue that berates America in ways that make registered republicans cry like little girls around a nest of spiders. But this time, it’s Rogue who leads the monologue so it’s way sexier than Michael Moore. She also makes a very valid point at how much of an asshole Captain America has become. Like the real America, he’s not so much concerned with being right rather than saving lives. Because so long as he doesn’t have to hear anyone say those dreaded four words, “I told you so,” he’s okay with invading a sovereign country, pissing off cosmic forces, and throwing people in jail for bullshit reasons. But I digress.

This monologue, while awesome, doesn’t really lead into how the Uncanny Avengers confront Apocalypse’s old man-servant, Ozymandias. He’s now out of work, having been replaced by two younger and stronger Apocalypses. I guess now he knows what it feels like to be one of Hugh Hefner’s ex-wives. The team is basically willing to carve as many assholes as they need to find the Apocalypse Twins. And since Sunfire, a former horsemen, has a serious axe to grind, they casually shrug off everything from the Geneva Convention and get their answers. So I guess Rogue’s monologue does have some connection. Like the modern America, Captain America and his associates are okay with torture so long as they find some way to justify it. And they didn’t even need Dick Cheny for this. I think that says a lot.

But torturing former associates of Apocalypse isn’t their only tactic. Havok, who is supposed to be the leader of this mismatched, embittered team of superhumans, has split the Uncanny Avengers up to investigate different areas. He and the Scarlet Witch are tasked with investigating an Akkaba Temple in Guatemala. I’m sure this is just Havok’s way to get a little alone time with another one of Magneto’s daughters. He wasn’t content just boning Polaris. He needs to go for her more powerful, less sane sister. You can’t fault the guy for not having extreme tastes.

It’s clear that Havok’s penis is the last thing on the Scarlett Witch’s mind. As they explore the temple, she confides in him how proud/attracted she is of Havok for keeping the team together. But she also discloses that she has little hope that humans and mutants will ever co-exist. Between the shit the Red Skull pulled in the first arc and Cyclops running a full blown mutant revolution, the odds are stacked against them to say the least. That and she is Magneto’s freakin’ daughter. But it makes for a genuinely nice moment where the Scarlett Witch, at least for a moment, doesn’t seem like that same crazy bitch that fucked an entire species over on M-Day. It’s hard to tell if she’s at that point where she’s willing to bone Havok, but she makes it clear that she supports him and maybe will support his penis if he plays his cards right.

This nice Hallmark moment is eventually interrupted when one of the new horsemen that was revealed at the end of the previous issue finally makes their big entrance. The first one up is Banshee, who has a good reason to want to rip Havok’s ears out through his anus. His younger brother, Vulcan, was the one that fucking killed him. Not only that, his older brother, Cyclops, killed Charles Xavier. And since neither Summers brother is present, he settles for the next best thing, which is like an Olympian saying they’re okay with a bronze metal. But Banshee makes up for it by abducting the Scarlett Witch. For those of you keeping track, this marks the second time the Scarlett Witch has been abducted in Uncanny Avengers. Somebody really need to put a collar on that bitch.

The next horsemen to show up is someone who actually took a dirt nap very recently. In an earlier issue of Uncanny Avengers, the Grim Reaper crashed Havok’s infamous “M-word” speech. And for that, he deserves a pat on the back and a beer. Then Rogue killed him on live TV, which is not a bad way to go all points considered. But I imagine he’s still pissed off and so now that he’s a horsemen, he takes it out on Simon, his pacifist brother. Now I personally would have chosen to attack Rogue while she was taking a shower, that way I could get my revenge and a boner in the process. But I guess this works as well if he’s more interested in dealing with family issues rather than getting boners. It’s also a lot easier because Simon made it clear to Havok and the Scarlett Witch, who he was supposed to be monitoring, that he’s not into fighting anymore. So he might as well be a baby rabbit and Grim Reaper might as well be a wolf on crystal meth. It’s not a fair fight, but at least it doesn’t end with another beautiful woman getting abducted.

As for Captain America himself, Mr. I-need-to-be-right-no-matter-what is doing his part by teaming up with Wasp. They have a nice little conversation as well, but it’s not nearly as productive, or relevant for that matter, as the others. He just talks to Wasp about how much his chat with Immortus fucked him up. That’s about as interesting as me describing every beer I had at my birthday party and detailing every second of the hangover that follows. It really doesn’t amount to much other than Captain America suddenly realizing where they can find the Apocalypse Twins.

By this point in the comic, a clear theme has emerged. Hell, that theme has been persistent since Uncanny Avengers began. Rick Remender is taking a page right out of Chris Claremont’s playbook and trying to squeeze in as much inner monologue as possible. Now Claremont knew how to make it work and Remender does as well most of the time, as he has shown in other parts of this issue. But when a scene consists mostly of Captain America and Wasp describing how fucked up they are, that’s not the kind of shit that needs to waste precious ink. I would much rather see more panels of the Grim Reaper teaching Simon why Ghandi was full of shit than just seeing a boring conversation like this. I’m not saying that these conversations aren’t good for the story, but at least with Havok and the Scarlett Witch it actually had some emotional weight. We already know that Captain America is fucked up and rapidly turning into an all-American douche-bag. We don’t need to read about him talking about it.

I would much rather read about the results gained from torture and I think the fine folks at the CIA will be pleased to see that torturing Ozymandias yielded results. Wolverine, Thor, Sunfire, and Rogue beat a location out of him, probably through means that would make the last two Saw movies look like G-rated Pixar spin-offs. But they location they get looks like parts of downtown Detroit, but it ends up concealing a gateway that leads them to a place that looks like something that J. J. Abrams rejected from the last Star Trek movie (but he may save it for Star Wars). They find that the Apocalypse Twins are packing some pretty impressive hardware and since Thor was stupid enough to lose Jarnbjorn, which he used to fight Apocalypse in a flashback a few issues ago, they’re especially fucked. And before they can even clench their assholes, they get their first taste.

Another one of Apocalypse’s horsemen shows up and this time it’s someone that even Thor’s asshole dreads. It’s the fucking Sentry. He may be a Superman rip-off, but fuck if he isn’t one of the hardest hitters in the entire Marvel universe. He died during Siege, but now he’s armed with some Apocalypse mojo and he uses that to literally beat Thor’s ass across the galaxy. And no, I’m not exaggerating as I tend to do when I’m tripping on acid. Sentry is strong enough to fucking do that. Plus, he did bone Rogue at one point. That alone puts him above Thor and pretty much everyone else in the Marvel universe or any universe for that matter.

Sentry’s attack basically scatters the team, which leads to Wolverine being swallowed by a giant fucking worm. Again, that’s not me exaggerating. I ran out of acid last week. And the rest of the team is basically scattered or running scared because they know they have no fucking chance at beating Sentry. Their best bet at this point is to do what they tell us to do in grade school when we’re on fire and tuck and roll. As someone who has seen many mishaps with fireworks, I can say that doesn’t do jack shit.

I can also say that Sentry makes it clear to Thor that he’s the god of jack shit when he beats him all the way to an alien planet that has green gamma lava. I’m sure it’s like regular lava, but a billion times more awesome. And he uses that to basically turn Thor into that pathetic little kid that could never hold onto his lunch money. I’m not going to say that Thor deserved it because he has been way less of a douche than Captain America or Iron man lately. I’ll just say he’s way overmatched and that’s probably the point.

So three horsemen have been revealed. That means there’s only one left and this one has been crafted specifically to fuck with Wolverine. Granted, that’s not too hard to do. This is a guy who gets pissed off when someone steals his whiskey. The Apocalypse Twins could have just hired a transvestite to look like Cyclops and that would have been enough. But they have to take it a step further and throw Wolverine’s son at him, as in the son he fucking killed in Uncanny X-Force.

It was one of the biggest moments of Rick Remender’s Uncanny X-Force one, and there were a fuckton of them. Wolverine murdered his own son and unlike Cyclops, nobody gave him shit about it. But unlike Charles Xavier, Daken fucking deserved it. Now he has come back to life and is ready to confront his daddy issues with Apocalypse-powered mojo. The problem is this scene, which should have carried more emotional weight, doesn’t amount to much. Wolverine just looks at Daken the same way I look at the Pizza guy when he’s 20 minutes late and Daken tells him that all hope is lost. That’s like the Pizza guy telling me he got stuck in traffic. We’ve heard that shit before. It’s a weak way to end the comic, but seeing Sentry kick Thor’s ass more than makes up for it.

I'm convinced that whenever Marvel kills one of their characters, a baby seal is sodomized by Rush Limbaugh. I'm also convinced that whenever Marvel brings back a dead character, a cute blond stripper with low self-esteem gets a free boob job and the world is just a little bit happier. This comic didn't just bring back a slew of dead characters, albeit in evil forms. It effectively mixed in the interpersonal drama that makes it clear that Rick Remender writes awesome comics and he probably does so completely sober. For that, both he and Uncanny Avengers #10 deserve to be awesome. This is what I've concluded in my completely unsober state of mind and if it bothers you, then I'm assuming you're not drunk enough. Nuff said!

San Diego Comic Con X-men Panel: Nightcrawler Lives!

Another year has gone by with me spending too much money on booze to fly out to San Diego Comic Con, but I still manage to stay sober enough to keep up with the events. Every year the fans, the cos-players, and the people who masturbate to those cos-players show up to unite in their love of all things geek and learn a thing or two about the next sinister plot that comic companies are planning.

And there has been a fuckton of amazing shit this year. DC Comics and Warner Brothers announced that rather than a Justice League movie in 2015, we'll be getting a Batman/Superman movie. It's not Justice League, but it's the next best thing. Marvel Studios announced that the next Avengers movie will be titled Avengers: Age of Ultron. And Fox proved that they didn't learn a damn thing from the failure of X3 when they announced that they were going to fuck up Days of Futures Past by making Wolverine the center of attention...yet again.

As big as those announcements are, this is a fucking X-men blog last I checked. And I focus on the big X-men news. So when Marvel held their X-men panel today, it came with a few major announcements. And the biggest announcement by far was that once again, death is as permanent in the Marvel universe as Larry King's wedding vows. Because everyone's favorite fur fetish, Nightcrawler, is coming back to life after being dead for nearly four years. And I say fuck yes to the nth degree!

CBR: SDCC - Marvel Announces Return Of Nightcrawler, More At X-Men Panel

Fans of the X-Men poured into room 6DE at San Diego’s Comic-Con International to hear the creative teams behind their favorite mutants speak at the Marvel Comics X-Men panel.

Moderator Arune Singh began the panel with the creative teams behind the X-books onstage: senior editor Nick Lowe, Brian Michael Bendis (“All-New X-Men”), Paul Cornell (“Wolverine”), Gerry Duggan (“Deadpool”), Peter David (“X-Factor”), Sam Humphries (“Uncanny X-Force”), Chris Hastings, and Brian Posehn (“Deadpool”). Singh told the room editor Jeanine Schaefer will be joining them later, and that Frank Cho and Terry Dodson may also appear later on, interrupting his introduction to cheer Schaefer as she ran up to the stage.

“This is the best panel you’re going to see all convention!” Singh told the packed room to cheers and applause.

They then began by speaking about Marvel’s brand new September and October “Battle Of The Atom” event happening over the X-books, featuring art by Frank Cho, Stuart Immonen, David Lopez, Chris Bachalo, Guiseppe Camuncoli, Esad Ribic.

“The X-Men from the future show up and tell them they have to get out of here, right now, just go,” Bendis said. Of course this does not happen, and the events that follow kick off the crossover, something Bendis promised would have “Major implications for the line.”

“It’s the first X-Men event that Brian [Bendis] is working on with us...and it’s the first one Brian Wood is working on,” Lowe said, adding that it will be the past, present and future of the X-Men colliding.

Singh also showed the image for Steve McNiven and Rick Remender's “Uncanny Avengers” “Ragnarok Now” story, which showed Scarlet Witch’s shattered hat.

Cornell then said in “Wolverine” the character has lost his healing factor, “An original idea, I know!” he joked as the room laughed.

Drawn by Alan Davis, Cornell said that Wolverine will first be grappling with the idea of dying, then defending himself as every foe he’s made decides to go after him, something that Cornell told the room would end in a major shift for the book and character.

“It’s a Wolverine you’ve never, ever seen before and you have no idea what’s coming,” Schaefer said.

“And we killed Peter Parker twice, we’re serious!” Singh joked as the room cracked up.

“It’s a guy whose whole fighting style is ‘Throw myself in front of bullets.’ When he doesn’t have that anymore, what does he have?” Schaefer added, she and Lowe telling the room that his loss of powers will be consistent over all the Marvel books.

“Uncanny X-Force” was next, Humphries telling the fans that “Runaways Artist Adrian Alphona will be drawing a solo story starring Spiral in issue #12, telling the story of her hunting down a young girl. Ramon Perez will also be working on the book.

The room cheered as Duggan and Posehn’s “Deadpool” issue #18 cover flashed up on the big screen.

“We kill Wolverine. Spoiler,” Duggan joked. Posehn said that issue #20 was his favorite upcoming issue so far, Duggan asking the audience “Do you like some Kirby crackle?” to applause and whistles.

Lowe laughingly recalled how the editors had to “Re-examine their life decisions,” after reading the scripts for the upcoming issues that took a “Dark turn.”

“We haven’t dropped the ball yet,” Posehn joked to audience laughter, adding, “But don’t go on the internet.”

Looking at the end of “X-Factor” which showed X-Factor literally closing shop, story drawn by Neil Edwards, David laughed, “That has nothing to do with the story, but it’s a good cover!”

He then said he was so happy to have written the book and to hear fans come up to him and saying how they loved how he turned around B and C-level characters in the book.

“It’s one of the steadiest books in all of comics...’X-Factor’ is this unstoppable, strong and steady book,” Lowe said of sales. Singh added that David will have another new book coming out from Marvel soon.

David also took the time to praise artist Leonard Kirk’s work, telling the audience the industry doesn’t always appreciate a “real solid artist like Leonard,” before leading the room in a round of applause.

Dodson joined the panel in time for Singh to announce he will be joining Brian Wood’s “X-Men.” Schaefer said of the decision to make the team all women, a first for Marvel, “It just made sense.”

“We decided to call it 'X-Men' because they were X-Men, they weren’t X-Women, they were always X-Men,” Schaefer added, telling the room Marvel was very supportive of female-led books and that it was a passion project for her.

“We’ve heard female-led books don’t sell, but...all you have to do is point at ‘X-Men,’ point at ‘Captain Marvel’...you’ve proven the critics wrong,” Singh said to thunderous applause.

Hastings then announced his new book, “Longshot Saves The Marvel Universe,” wherein Longshot, “Gets very lucky,” Hasting said to audience laughter. With artist Jacopo Camagni the first issue will be out in November.

The room bursts into applause again as Singh asked who in the audience wants Nightcrawler back in the Marvel Universe. The room cheered again as the panel announced Nightcrawler will be in the brand new series “Amazing X-Men” by Jason Aaron and artist Ed McGuinness.

“Firestar is going to take her place as a major X-Men character for the first time,” Lowe added, pointing to her on the cover of the first issue along with Azazel. The panel then called Aaron and had the room cheer into the phone.

“We’ve been having to keep this a secret pretty much since Jason was writing ‘Wolverine And The X-Men,’” Lowe said, adding that this book will answer where the little blue and red Bamfs have been coming from. “Nightcrawler is dead, but that’s not the end of his story,” Lowe continued, explaining Azazel is a pirate that is stealing something the X-Men need and Nightcrawler needs to stop him. The team on the book will also include Northstar, Wolverine, Beast, Iceman and Storm.

The panel then threw the floor open to the floor, everyone saying each fan’s name as they came up to the microphone. The first fan asked if the X-Factor characters will be in other books. Lowe said the characters will show up in other Marvel Comics books and places, “In very important roles.”

The next fan wanted to know what characters they want to kill or bring back. “Kill Jim Balushi?” Posehn joked.

“I’m happy with Nightcrawler and I’d like to kill Wolverine!” Cornell laughed. Bendis said Peter Parker to both.

“I’d say bring back Uncle Ben but I already did that, and killing -- is Pixie still around?” David asked as the room cracked up.

“I love Maggot!” Schaefer said as Lowe rolled his eyes and the room cracked up again.

A fan wanted to know if in “Battle Of Atom” there would be new future X-Men yet to be revealed. “There’s a lot of things to be revealed,” Bendis said.

The next audience member to the microphone wanted to know why more mutants haven’t sided with Cyclops. “We’re just at the beginning to see how a lot of mutants are going to react to this, to how some of these new mutants aren’t seen as ‘pure’ mutants by older ones so there’s some racism in their ranks,” Bendis told him, adding all that will begin to be revealed in the next few issues.

Another fan said he wanted to give his well-wishes to David, who explained to the room he had suffered a stroke and had to relearn how to walk. He also said he was surprised how many people and fans gave him messages of support and prayers, including a temple of Buddhist Monks because they, “Liked my run on ‘Hulk!’” David said as the room laughed. He then thanked the comics community for the love and support as the room cheered.

That fan then asked the panel what superpowers they would want.

“Flight!” David said. Lowe wanted teleportation, Bendis wanted “the power of a nap,” Hasting wanted teleportation "without the smell," Cornell wanted Storm’s powers, Posehn wanted “invulnerability to sadness,” Duggan wanted Kitty Pryde’s powers, Dodson wanted Multiple Man’s powers and Humphries wanted the Phoenix Force.

“Should we just kill you now?” Lowe joked as Humphries laughed.

The next fan asked about the possibility of a “Deadpool Max.” Duggan said there was no plans at the time.

“As far as Max, I feel like we’re pushing it already,” Posehn added with a laugh.

Lowe told an X-23 fan the character will show up again, though he wouldn’t say where. He then laughed along with the audience as Bendis pointed to himself.

A fan from the earlier Ultimates panel wanted to know why Brian Wood’s “Ultimate Comic X-Men” was glossed over at the panel. Bendis said they glossed it over because anything they said about the book, “Would be a spoiler” for what’s coming up.

Bendis also reported that Aarons had text him back from the grocery story, reading the text out loud.

“Please tell everybody there I’ve been waiting years to do a story with Nightcrawler...and does anybody there know what a shallot look like?” Bendis said as the room yelled back that a shallot was a “green-looking onion.”

Posehn told a “Cable And Deadpool” fan that somewhere down the line they wanted to have Deadpool and Cable meet up and, “They might be wearing trench coats and they might have Tommy guns, form another time,” the writer said as the panel laughed.

Speaking more about bringing Nightcrawler back, Bendis said they took the idea of resurrection very seriously and didn’t want to do it cynically or do it just for the shock.

Bendis also told there was something coming down the line called “The Utopians” which will have some female X-Men and other mutants readers haven’t seen yet.

The last fan to the microphone was a young boy who reprimanded the group for killing Peter Parker, the audience laughing as the panelists shrugged and Singh brought the panel to a close.

Now if only Marvel would stop killing these characters off in the first place. But then again, these gimmicks would actually have to not work for them to do that. And until drunken fans like myself realize that, we're destined for more of this shit. But if it means more awesome comics and more reasons to kill my brain cells, I'm all for it! Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #11

A flood of new comics came out this past week and I consumed them the same way Charlie Sheen consumes cocaine. Comics may not make your dick shrivel and cause you to wake up naked in a Columbia whore house with a tattoo of a middle finger on your ass, but they can be just as much fun. So when I get fucked up on comics, I write about my fucked upedness here on this blog so that my internal organs have some consolation. What follows are the fucked up thoughts I have about Cable and X-Force #11. My internal organs beg you to read on.

In the previous issue, Domino gave Cable advice straight from an episode of The Office and encouraged him to delegate. He can’t prevent his visions from happening on his own. He has a team. No need to be Bill Lumburg and micromanage. Being X-Force shouldn’t involve TPS reports. Well since Cable was taken prisoner by the Avengers, he has no choice now. So the team has split up so they can prevent Cable’s sinister visions on their own accord. But instead of teaming up with Colossus, who she recently swapped body fluids with in a hotel, Domino teams up with Boom Boom. Granted, I wouldn’t mind seeing them bump uglies in a hotel, but first they have to rescue a mutant in a hospital that goes batshit and kills a bunch of people when his powers manifest. The mutant is drugged out of his mind and out cold so that makes it easier to work with and gives Boom Boom time to bust Domino’s balls about Colossus. It’s a great bit of girl talk, minus the pillow fights and pointless conversations about One Direction.

Domino probably wishes she were working with Colossus for another reason as well. At least with Colossus, she didn’t have to worry about him dealing with the impulses of a rebellious young blond. Hell, she could have used her tits to keep him in line. But that shit won’t work with Boom Boom, who just can’t resist blowing shit up to get the job done. She didn’t have to blow a lot of shit up in order to carjack an ambulance for the mutant they’re rescuing. She did it anyways. She doesn’t need a reason. She’s a cute blond girl in a comic book. She can get away with damn near anything. It pisses Domino the fuck off and probably ruins any chance that they may hump later on, but it’s still more fun than a drunk stripper at a dildo factory.

Cable and X-Force has been a lot of fun lately, except for scenes involving Hope fucking Summers. Yes, that bratty little ripoff character is still breathing. And sadly, she’s still part of this story and stealing ink that could otherwise be used to show Boom Boom blowing shit up. In the previous issue she tracked down Blaquesmith in hopes of locating Cable. He ended up dragging her into another apocalyptic future. I still would prefer more pages of Boom Boom blowing shit up.

I could dedicate 10 posts a week to how much I hate Hope fucking Summers. After the previous issue and many issues before it, she has proven to be an unapologetic little puissant who desperately wants Cable’s approval for damn near everything. She’ll even ditch the X-men and everybody who sacrificed a fuckton to protect her so she could save the mutant race. She has no redeeming qualities, even for a teenage girl. So it is somewhat satisfying to see Blaquesmith pwn her bitchy ass in yet another apocalyptic future. Not sure which future this is, but I’m going to assume Hope fucking Summers had something to do with it because there can be no good future for any Marvel universe as long as her bratty little ass is still alive.

But enough about bitchy rip-off characters. Let’s get back to the real draw of the issue, which is Domino and Boom Boom blowing shit up while saving an unconscious mutant. It’s every bit as awesome as it sounds and couldn’t be more awesome without them doing it naked and covered in bacon grease. As it turns out, blowing up a lot of shit and stealing an ambulance will get the attention of the police. Domino, who usually prefers swift and silent missions, is several levels of pissed off at Boom Boom. She does her best to make up for it by blowing up more shit. It may sound like trying to clean the hood of a car by shitting on it, but it works. It’s just what you would expect from a team of mutant outlaws. And isn’t that what X-Force is supposed to be? I say fuck the hell yes!

They end up ditching the cops and they still have the unconscious mutant safe in their grasp. Nothing can stop them now short of another attack by the Avengers. Hell, after the last issue, that would have been painfully predictable. But this time, something more powerful stops X-Force cold in their tracks. It’s not the Avengers. It’s not Apocalypse. It’s not even the Phoenix Force. It’s fucking traffic.

It sounds painfully trivial for a comic book and it is to some degree. But that’s part of what actually makes it satisfying. We’ve already seen X-Force take on the Avengers and fight mutant creatures from a fast food chain. Why not have them struggle against something much more real? Normal people might not have to deal with the Avengers and mutant monsters at a fast food factory, but they sure as hell have to deal with traffic. Anyone who has tried to do Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving knows that it can stop even the most determined of souls. It’s one of those mundane things we don’t see enough of in comics and that’s what makes it so great to see it here.

What’s even more awesome is how Domino and Boom Boom deal with it. Whereas Domino would assess the situation and come up with a more tactical solution, Boom Boom solves this problem the same way she solves most of her problems that don’t involve finding a bra that fits. She blows it up. She acts on the impulses that can only be appealing when a pretty blond does it and pretends to be some sort of super-villain on the bridge where the backup starts. At first it doesn’t do shit. Then she starts blowing shit up and people get the message and run, hoping that their insurance covers mutant attacks (and it probably won’t).

It has been a while since Boom Boom has been a major player in an X-book. She didn’t contribute much in the previous arc aside from looking hot in a bikini. But as vital as that contribution was, she really hasn’t acted like she’s part of X-Force yet. In this issue, she carries the X-Force mantel with pride and utter recklessness. It’s so beautiful it’ll bring a tear to your eye and a boner to your pants. Boom Boom’s characterization is spot on, making her the perfect foil for Domino’s tactical style. Hell, throw Eddie Murphy into the mix and it would be the perfect plot for a buddy cop movie.

Unfortunately, Boom Boom’s reckless impulses don’t clear the traffic fast enough. Just as Cable’s vision foretold, the unconscious mutant’s powers manifested. And his powers somehow involve turning shit into water, including half a fucking bridge. Depending on where he was in Cable’s vision, that shit would probably maim more than a few people, especially if he happened to be at Sea World or on a cruise. In this instance it leads to him, Domino, and Boom Boom falling right into the East River. I suppose there are worse outcomes, but not many.

This time, Domino’s skill in planning saves the day. She somehow thought wise to both wear a parachute and keep an inflatable raft nearby. Now this comes off as a little contrived. Domino says this was part of her contingency plan and for all we know, she had plenty more. But it still comes off as overly convenient and lacks a sense of struggle that the story could have had. While the mission itself was successful, the way Domino and Boom Boom succeeded left a lot to be desired. But you’ll still probably have a boner.

It’s that unsatisfying resolution that may also remind readers that this issue didn’t address a number of dangling plots from the previous issue. There was no mention of Cable, who the Avengers took into custody. There’s no mention of the other members of X-Force, who may or may not be on similar missions. Granted, it’s probably a bitch trying to squeeze those details in and it would take precious ink away from scenes with Domino and Boom Boom. But it makes the issue feel choppy in terms of the overall arc.

Instead of more information about Cable’s fate and that of his team, we get more Hope fucking Summers. I would almost prefer a kick in the balls at this point. She’s still in the future with Blaquesmith. Not much is explained and not much of it is very interesting either. It’s just Hope fighting what looks like a fucked up version of Warlock. Then for reasons that only a sober mind might understand, some future version of Silver Samurai shows up. It’s really hard to tell where the fuck Blaquesmith is going with this. But I’m pretty sure I don’t give a fuck and it’ll still end with Hope fucking Summers being an even bitter cunt.

This issue had too much Hope fucking Summers, but plenty of beautiful X-women kicking ass and looking damn sexy doing it. So I think it balances out perfectly. We still don’t know what the fuck is up with Cable or what the rest of his team is up to. But the mission of X-Force continued successfully in this issue. It kept with the overall theme of trying to save the world while the Avengers want to royally fuck them up. It’s a beautiful thing and throw in the sexy dynamic between Domino and Boom Boom, it’s downright awesome. That’s what my damaged brain has surmised and I’m not hanging it. Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #9 - The Bitch is Back

In case I haven't made it abundantly clear in my many drunken rants, I like to sometimes kill a select number of brain cells that contain memories and feelings that piss me the fuck off. I've spent a good deal of my adult life trying and failing to kill most of my memories of high school and summer camp between the 5th and 6th grade. But I consider those the big issues that my therapist loves to bitch about. Some of the smaller issues that I try to suppress involve certain feelings about comics. I already made clear in previous posts how much the X-men movies and Bryan Singer pisses me off. But there's one other figure in comics that I've dedicated many reviews and many drunken rants towards shitting on like a constipated elephant. That figure has red hair, green eyes, and is NOT named Jean Grey.

Yes, I'm talking about Hope fucking Summers. I used to call her Jean rip-off, but now that O5 Jean Grey is back I'll just stick to calling her Hope fucking Summers. She's basically everything you hate in a character. She's an unoriginal, whiney, pissant little cunt who you wish Marvel would kill off in ways even more disrespectful than the ways they killed off Nightcrawler. It's not enough that she did jack fucking shit in Avengers vs. X-men. She was no mutant messiah. All she did was fucking let the Phoenix Force go. And somehow that required special training and shit? Hell, my mom could make me let go of my fucking dick just by scolding me. Since when did that shit become a power? But I digress.

It's bad enough Hope fucking Summers survived Avengers vs. X-men. Yet she kept giving me more reasons to want to take a shit on her grave. After Avengers vs. X-men, did she actually try to help the people who sacrificed everything to save her? Did she try to vouch for Cyclops after he dedicated a whole fucking island to protecting her? Fuck no! She just ditched the X-men and ran off to some private school so she could leave a 'normal' life. And low and behold, that shit wasn't enough for her so she ran off to find Cable. But he has since made it clear that he's had enough of her whiney little bitching and is busy with his new X-Force team.

Now Cable and X-Force was a series that started slow, but in recent times it has gotten a lot better. In recent issues this comic has become a compelling, eventful story involving a different kind of X-men team. And best of all, it got better without Hope fucking Summers and relied on more reasonable methods like Tabitha in a bikini or Colossus boning Domino. And while I've enjoyed these methods, in the back of my head I knew it was only a matter of time before Hope fucking Summers entered the picture again. And since I haven't killed enough brain cells to make me forget why she's a pissant little cunt, I suppose I must endure.

The story of Cable and his new team continues to unfold in Cable and X-Force #9 fresh off their little pwnage of Agent Brand and SWORD, but only to the extent that they crashed the ship they stole and left the Uncanny Avengers to comb through the wreckage. Now why would they crash a perfectly good ship? Okay, well maybe stealing a ship from Abigail Brand that was probably wired with all sorts of tracking wasn’t something they should have held onto. But whatever the reason, Cable is nowhere in sight and neither is his team. It leaves Havok and Rogue to talk about how fucked up it is how so many X-men have switched sides, including her. Never mind that some of them only switched sides because they were screwed over, but I guess with Cable it’s tougher since he did sort of fuck up a fast food chain. And what crime besides creating a global utopia with a cosmic force is worse than fucking up our ability to get cheap, unhealthy, processed food? Well if they are going to find Cable, it won’t be in this ship. They have to use other means and unfortunately those means involve asshole teenage girls with red hair and green eyes that aren’t named Jean Grey.

So here we go, the pissant little cunt is back after being MIA from the X-books for not nearly a long enough time. And surprise surprise, she’s finding new ways to be a total bitch. Remember that nice foster family that the Avengers went to so much trouble getting for her? Well like most bitchy teenage girls, she didn’t appreciate it in the slightest. And just to go the extra mile, she mind-fucked them into letting her go. She even ripped off a famous Star Wars quote. That means this little bitch hasn’t just fucked up the X-men. Now she’s shitting all over Star Wars. Is there no limit to the shit this bitch won’t taint?

Shortly after she’s done NOT showing her gratitude to two innocent people, the Uncanny Avengers show up. Naturally, they’ve been keeping tabs on her because why wouldn’t you want to keep tabs on a whiney teenage bitch that packs a full arsenal of mutant powers? They calmly and politely explain to her that they can’t let her join Cable. He’s a wanted fugitive who recently blew up a fast food warehouse, killed people, freed an alien tyrant, and stole a space ship. That’s a long list of crimes that they don’t need the so-called mutant messiah associated with.

But what’s even more remarkable and thus makes Hope even more a bitch is that she knows it’s a bad idea. She also tells them that Cable doesn’t want her to seek him out either. He’s basically cut her from his life and why shouldn’t he? He did his job and helped her be the mutant messiah in the lamest way possible by just letting the fucking Phoenix Force go. He doesn’t need to care for her anymore, but she just won’t let this shit go in the same way other teenage girls won’t let anyone share their tampons. There’s being a rebellious teenager and then there’s just being a total dick and Hope fucking Summers doesn’t even try to walk the line.

There’s not much going on here. There’s just a lot of talking. It’s just the Uncanny Avengers trying to reason with a teenage girl. They might as well try to convert Ozzy Osborne to being a fucking Mormon. To their credit, the Uncanny Avengers try to adopt a less authoritarian approach. They try to reason and empathize with Hope, telling her that she doesn’t have to get involved with this shit again. Rogue even tries to be friendly again, drawing parallels to what she went through with Mystique. She says she wants to make her own choices. But to a teenage girl that just means “I want to do whatever the fuck I want and I don’t give a shit about the consequences.” And given all the shitty things Hope fucking Summers has done to everyone who placed their faith in her, that’s even a bigger dick move than usual and this scene does nothing to make it compelling.

And she’s not done making people hate her more just yet. Remember how she mind fucked those two innocent foster parents that let her into their home and tried to give her a better life? Well where did she get such a skill? She’s got a long list of mutant powers, but she needs to pick up on them first. Well that is actually explained. During their conversation, we find out that Hope managed to ditch whoever was keeping tabs on her for the Avengers just long enough to pay a visit to the exact prison where the Purple Woman was being held. And for some reason this prison lets random teenage girls visit dangerous prisoners without question. I could list any number of ways this makes no fucking sense even in the must fucked up of justice systems. But that would just cause me to waste some perfectly good vodka. There’s nothing interesting whatsoever about Hope’s conversation with Purple Woman. She’s just there to get her power. That’s it. It’s by far the worst conjugal visit in the history of prison.

Armed with the Purple Woman’s power, Hope fucking Summers proceeds to mind fuck the Avengers into fighting each other. She even does it with an evil glare to show that she always goes the extra distance when it comes to being a bitch. So now she’s fucked over the X-men after they did everything to save her from Bastion. She’s fucked over the foster parents that lovingly let her into their home. And she’s fucked over the Avengers who gave her that home. Is there no lines this bitch won’t cross?

Again, there’s not much to this scene. Captain America and Havok fight over leadership. It’s basically the same fight we saw in the pages of Uncanny Avengers, but twenty times more awesome. Hell, I would prefer that the Red Skull was mind-fucking them more than Hope fucking Summers at this point. It’s not very action packed or compelling. It’s just some mindless bit of action in a comic that has consisted mostly of reasoning with a teenage girl. So it should come to nobody’s surprise that it devolved into an epic fail.

Rogue manages to stop the brawl before it becomes an all out dick-measuring contest and stops Hope from bolting. But rather than try to mind fuck them again, Hope employs yet another power. That obscenely contrived prison that was way too fucking lenient on visitor policies helped Hope in another way. As it just so happened, Martinique Wynegarde was being housed at that prison as well. Why was she there? And how was it that Hope knew they were there? We don’t get an explanation. That would make too much sense and as we’ve seen in every recent story involving Hope fucking Summers, making sense just isn’t a priority. So through this incredibly contrived coincidence, Hope now has the power to cast illusions.

But if Hope had the power to cast illusions all along, why the fuck didn’t she just cast an illusion to begin with so that she never had to face the Uncanny Avengers? Why go through the trouble of mind-fucking them when she knew they weren’t going to convince her? Again, that shit might have made too much fucking sense. It might have actually forced this comic to be about more than Hope fucking Summers. But again, that’s not what we get.

Showing that she has no imagination in addition to being a total bitch, she creates a fucked up illusion that consists of a sentinel with the Red Skull’s head Photoshopped on top. It makes for another short and bland action scene that is over exceedingly quickly and causes no commotion whatsoever at a crowded bus station in the middle of the fucking day. Either the scene just wasn’t that well thought out or Hope fucking Summers just mind fucked everybody to ensure she got away. And she did too. She succeeded in once again giving the finger to a group of people who tried to help her. She might as well have punched a nun in the face and taken a shit in good will donation jar because that’s the kind of bitch she is.

It makes for a very unsatisfying ending because now Hope fucking Summers has escaped and is on her way to join Cable. She’s now on a bus where she even gets recognized by some kid who saw her televised exploits earlier in the series. But again, absolutely nothing comes of it. We’re just left with a renegade Hope fucking Summers that’s now on her way to meet up with Cable and probably fuck up the awesome story that has been unfolding over the past few issues. I still want to see how that story pans out, but I know that there’s next to no chance that Hope fucking Summers won’t make it worse by being the little bitch she is.

In recent times, I’ve given the impression that I enjoy seeing the Avengers get pwned. And I do. It’s one of the many things I’ve been jerking off to lately. But like all my masturbatory habits, there is purpose behind it. I enjoyed seeing the Avengers get pwned in Uncanny X-men and All New X-men because they fucking deserved it. They were being assholes, which is pretty fucked up considering how nice their shit ended up smelling after Avengers vs. X-men. And they were being assholes in this issue too, but once again they were upstaged by a whiney little bitch named Hope fucking Summers.

There are any number of ways to fuck up a comic. Just having 22 pages showing the Hulk take a shit is one of them, but I would consider that far more entertaining than any comic that focuses on Hope fucking Summers. I knew that this bitch could upset the hot streak that Cable and X-Force has been on lately. But once again, the little bitch outdid herself. She actually found a way to make me hate her fucking guts even more with this issue. She actually made it so I couldn’t get a boner watching the Avengers get pwned again. And there’s just no excuse for that. Ever.

The biggest flaw with this comic is that it didn’t even follow the plot that has been unfolding over the past several issues, aside from addressing the crashed ship that Cable stole from Abigail Brand. I was enjoying that plot. I didn’t need to see a whole fucking issue dedicated to Hope fucking Summers being an even bigger pissant little cunt. That’s all this issue was. Hope just wasn’t satisfied with ditching the X-men that did so much to save her and not doing a damn thing for Cyclops, who placed all his faith in her. She was given a nice, simple life on a silver platter that most teenagers would kill for and even more teenagers take for granted. And she didn’t just throw that shit away. She mind-fucked the innocent people trying to help her and completely gave the finger to Cable’s wishes, who has made it clear that he’s had enough of her whiney ass. There’s being an ungrateful little bitch and then there’s just being a bitch. There aren’t enough crazy glue laced tampons in the world for this little cunt.

It wasn’t all flaws though. At times the conversation between Hope and the Uncanny Avengers was compelling. The dialog was strong and so was the artwork. And as much as it makes me want to shove an ice pick in my balls, I knew Hope fucking Summers was going to get involved in Cable’s shit again and this did help set it up. But it did so without even hinting at what Cable and his team were doing now that they had pissed of Agent Brand. There was no balance and it all just amounted to the Uncanny Avengers failing to convince a bitchy teenage girl to listen to them. I mean they might as well have told a story about me attending an AA meeting because the whole premise was flawed to begin with.

I don’t want to throw Cable and X-Force into the shredder just because of Hope fucking Summers. This issue is an anomaly in a series that has been getting progressively better. And one shitty issue with one shitty character shouldn’t ruin it. Hope fucking Summers comes dangerously close, but doesn’t succeed. Cable and X-Force is still a viable series, but this is not a viable issue. Because of her bullshit, I can only give this issue a 1.5 out of 5. Other than some emotional dialog, there’s nothing memorable in this comic except a teenage girl not listening to people who know better. In other words, you can spend a day in my old high school and get the exact same shit that this comic offered, minus the wedgies. Nuff said!