Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #15

There are few very simple, common sense ways to deal with whiny, teenage brats. First and foremost, if you give them a reason to act like more of an asshole, they'll use it to create ten more reasons. And from those ten reasons, they'll create ten more. And when a teenager like Hope fucking Summers gets a chance, it's only a matter of time before she gives drunks like me more reasons to hate her. Cable and X-Force has been a solid series, but fuck if it hasn't given Hope fucking Summers more reasons to be a whiny little bitch. Like the banking lobby, she gets her way if she just whines and bitches enough. Now she's back being along Cable's side, basically acting as both a Cable rip-off and a Jean Grey rip-off. It's like taking two massive shits in a well. I'm going to try and not taste it too much as I review Cable and X-Force #15. All I ask is that at some point I'm not given another reason to hate this whiny little bitch that Marvel refuses to throw away.

A fresh new arc seems to be just what Cable and X-Force needs. Now that the Uncanny Avengers are off their tail, they can focus more on being the renegade outlaws that X-Force prides themselves on being. Unfortunately, being renegade outlaws doesn’t coincide with being smart. If it did, then Tiger Woods would’ve signed a pre-nup before he got married. This whole series was triggered by Cable’s premonitions of some really shitty futures that Hank McCoy didn’t cause for once. But those skills and the massive headaches that came with them were stopped at the end of the previous arc.

Not willing to throw away such a useful tool like seeing the future, Forge took it upon himself to try and upload Cable’s visions into his head. That’s like watching someone get explosive diarrhea from eating half a burger containing a bad batch of meat and then finishing the other half. I don’t know why Forge has it going into his head. He must have lost a bet with Dr. Nemesis because there’s no excuse for such voluntary stupidity. It already is showing in his mood. He’s acting like a total dick to Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom, but I guess that’s a fitting consequence of stupidity.

Forge’s attitude only gives them more reasons to work the kinds out of this whole precognition shit. Seeing the future really won’t do them much good if it means one of them will always be a total asshole. So Dr. Nemesis enlists Boom Boom to help him map Forge’s brain while he’s quarterbacking a couple of ongoing X-Force operations. It adds some more diverse personality beyond Forge being a dick. Boom Boom does more than just play the pretty blond o the team. She has the same lovable attitude that a sober Miley Cyrus has, plus access to Cable’s guns. She basically has the shit that Hope fucking Summers badly needs and Dr. Nemesis takes full advantage of it, knowing that it’s never a good idea to leave an impulsive hot blond alone with big guns for very long.

As for those operations, one is unfolding with Cable and Hope fucking Summers in the Australian outback. The visions they took from Forge revealed that a bunch of Reavers, who are basically douchebag versions of Robocop, have stolen a bunker buster bomb and plan on using it on a bunch of new mutants. And since Hope fucking Summers made it clear to Cable that she’s not going to leave him the fuck alone anymore, he enlists her help to deal with this.

She doesn’t do too much and she really doesn’t have to. The Reavers are about as coordinated as an Irish Pub on St. Patrick’s Day and they barely notice Hope just walking towards the bomb. And since she’s such a bitch, she flat out alerts them to her presence so she can kick their asses. Although in this instance, they fucking deserve it. All she really has to do is coordinate with Forge to shut down the bomb so that it can’t be used. It’s basically the X-Force equivalent of a Sunday picnic.

The other operation, however, is more like a Friday night as a frat party. This one involves Colossus and Domino teaming up in an operation that takes place outside of Bolivar Trask’s old stomping grounds in Colorado. But since X-Force isn’t known for being upstanding heroes, Colossus and Domino take time to ignore Forge’s angry bitching to have a quick fuck in the snow. It’s another nice touch that shows how these are not upstanding superheroes. Captain America would at least have the decency to fuck a beautiful women in a warm hotel room that he paid for.

In addition to showing Forge being an asshole again, it provides some insight into the relationship that’s developing between Colossus and Domino. A few issues ago, they established that their first romp had been about as meaningful as a one-night-stand with Bankok whore. But Colossus convinced Domino that it could be more than that. While he’s still clearly hung over from the Phoenix, he wants something more with her and she decides to take him up on it. And for her that means sex in the snow. I don’t know how much more Colossus was hoping for, but if he asked me for advice, I would tell him to marry her right now.

After finishing their sexy time and listening to Forge bitch, they begin their attack. A bunch of heavily armed guys who aren’t cyborgs seemed to think it was a good idea to break into one of Trask’s old private vaults and kick the tires on an old Sentinel. They might as well have been Yankees fans walking around outside of Fenway Park with a target painted around their balls. Colossus and Domino make quick work of these guys, exercising the kind of methods that would probably give Charles Xavier plenty of headaches. Then Domino scales the Sentinel and places a transmitter on it so Forge can work his magic as he calls it. I don’t know if that would be any less effective than blowing it the fuck up, but I’m guessing the premonitions indicated that this would be too subtle.

It all seems to be going so smoothly. Hell, Domino and Colossus might actually have time for another quicky on Trask’s grave. But then Forge’s dumb-ass decision to download the premonitions into his brain catches up with him. Before he can work his magic or continue being an asshole, he collapses like a guy who just passed out after a few shots of tequila. This is a problem and not just because it means Domino and Colossus won’t have time for another romp in the snow.

As this has been going on, Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have been mapping Forge’s brain to better understand the premonitions. Everything seemed to be going smoothly there as well with Boom Boom getting a brief lesson in brain mapping that she’ll probably forget the moment she picks up another one of Cable’s big guns. But during the process, Dr. Nemesis discovers that there’s something very wrong with Forge’s brainy hardware. And by that he means there’s something poking around his brain that’s helping to make him such an asshole. I’m not saying it’s a valid excuse, but it’s no less understandable than a woman blaming her overbearing mother for being such a bitch.

This discovery also coincides with Forge not being able to complete the two ongoing operations. In Australia, Cable and Hope fucking Summers discover that the big fucking bomb they were trying to deactivate is already active. Now it’s doing a 24 style countdown and they have precious little time to get the fuck out of the way. In Colorado, the Sentinel boots up and effectively kills whatever sexy mood there was between Cable and Domino. And just like that, this seemingly routine operation for X-Force goes from a walk in the park on Sunday to a full blown IRS audit on Monday. It fits together in such a beautifully chaotic way that captures the entire personality of X-Force.

And the source of all this unpleasantness for X-Force is apparently some creepy ghost-like creature that manifested inside Forge’s mind. It always has to be something creepy and ghost like when it happens in someone’s head apparently. This may or may not be the source of the headaches. It also may or may not be the reason why Forge was being such an asshole earlier. But it is officially the reason why the two operations are going to hell and now Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have to clear it up before they all end up with exceedingly painful headaches. It’s part of the hazard of being X-Force. I contend it’s still not as bad as being hung over after Mardi Gras.

This issue had a diverse range of action and plots that were all entertaining. And while Hope fucking Summers is still a whiny little bitch, she didn’t bring down the whole fucking series for once. This issue basically depicted the kind of shit I expect to see a team of outlaw X-men doing on a weekend. They fight mercenary cyborgs, break up deals involving Sentinels with extreme prejudice, and fuck recklessly in the snow. The only thing that wasn’t all that entertaining was basically recycling the whole killer headache plot. First Cable had to deal with it. Now Forge has to deal with it. I get that every hero, be they upstanding or renegade, have their share of headaches. But one plot involving headaches is more than enough. I get reminded of how much headaches suck with every hangover. Cable and X-Force #15 gets an 8 out of 10. I think that if X-Force is to function properly in the future, they need to either get better drugs or find better ways of coping with stress. After reading this, I’m going to see if sex in the snow can make a good hangover cure. Nuff said!

To Live Outside the Law, You Must Be Honest: "Cable and X-Force #10"

The following is my review of  Cable and X-Force #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is it about outlaws that people find so fascinating? How can one part of us be fascinated by people who represent a strong moral ideal while another part is fascinated by people who break the law with a smile and thumb their nose at anyone who tries to stop them? It’s like the public’s tastes are schizophrenic and nobody can seem to get the dosage right.

X-Force is been built around the premise of using X-men who behave like outlaws. Characters like Cable, Domino, and Dr. Nemesis aren’t known for being Eagle Scouts. They do the kind of things that other X-men only wish they could do, taking out possible threats with the kind of violence that would give Charles Xavier an omega-level migraine. Rick Remender showed in his run with Uncanny X-Force how shooting things, even a spooky kid Apocalypse, can have dire consequences. Dennis Hopeless has put Cable in a similar situation with Cable and X-Force. From the very beginning, this incarnation of X-Force has been driven by Cable’s visions of the future. Early on, the nature of their missions was confusing and hard to follow. But as the series has unfolded, it has become more streamlined and compelling for that matter. And every step of the way, X-Force’s brutal tactics have been necessary to get the job done.

However, it didn’t take long for those tactics to come back and bite them. They’re not just wanted fugitives anymore. They’re on Abigail Brand’s (she of S.W.O.R.D., sister outfit to S.H.I.E.L.D.) most wanted list after stealing her ship and setting an alien prisoner free. The target on their backs couldn’t be bigger if it included a neon sign, a boom box, and a Kickstarter campaign. Now X-Force is on the run. The Uncanny Avengers are on their trail and looking to use Cable’s adopted daughter, Hope Summers, against him. Cable already managed to get on their bad side as well when he punched Havok in the jaw during the first arc. After the events of the previous arc, they now have even more motivation to hunt him down. But Cable isn’t about to go quietly and that is what has helped this series become a compelling journey of outlaws and renegades.

Cable and X-Force #10 does a much better job than previous X-Force titles of depicting the unique challenges associated with being mutant outlaws. There’s no fancy base. There’s no secret support from other X-men. After the events of the previous arc, Cable and his team have to hide out on a Cheyenne reservation with Forge. There’s no Danger Room to train in or mansions to sleep in. It’s just a trailer, picnic tables, and horseshoes. It’s basically the kind of rudimentary setting you would expect for a team of outlaws.

But beyond their tenuous situation with the Uncanny Avengers, the guiding force behind X-Force’s mission remains the same. It’s still being fueled by Cable’s visions of the future and despite the team’s previous success, they’re getting worse. He keeps seeing more disasters and even the son of Cyclops and a Jean Grey clone can’t handle everything. This leads to what feels like a key moment for Cable’s team when Domino confronts him and encourages him to start treating them…well, like an actual team. Because to this point, he has just been giving orders and they’ve been nice enough to follow them. But that’s not enough anymore. To deal with these visions, they need to become a team and not just a misfit band of mutant outlaws. They have to become more like Ocean’s 11 and less like a coordinated bar fight.

In addition, this issue also offers a few hints as to the source of Cable’s visions. Since this series began, not much has been revealed about what happened to Cable after the events of “X-Sanction” and why he started having these visions. But Hope Summers stumbles upon a few clues when she catches up with Blaquesmith, who hasn’t been seen since “X-Sanction”. After ditching the life the Avengers and X-men went to so much trouble giving her, she wants to find Cable. However, she also finds out that somewhat tampered with Cable’s brain and Blaquesmith may know who it is.

But this comic isn’t just all turning points and melodrama. An X-Force book just wouldn’t be an X-Force book if there wasn’t some over-the-top action. The Uncanny Avengers eventually do catch up with Cable and his team. This time, there’s no pleading or diplomacy. Abigail Brand already gave them her blessing in beating X-Force into submission and Havok’s jaw is probably still hurting so there’s plenty of hostility to go around. The battle is somewhat small in scale, but it’s still nicely organized and very satisfying.

Given the recent string of defeats the Uncanny Avengers have faced (see All New X-men and Uncanny Avengers), they need at least some semblance of success. And that’s what they get here. While Cable’s team is able to escape, Cable is subdued. It creates a very volatile yet intriguing predicament for him and his team. They have disasters to stop, but now that guiding force is under the guard of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and some of its most experienced X-men. In that sense being a mutant outlaw just became a lot harder.

Cable and X-Force was a series that struggled with numerous plot holes early on. But in the past few issues, the story has become much more coherent. The emotions of the team and the nature of their mission is finally coming into focus and it has created fertile ground for some very compelling stories. This builds on that foundation while providing some entertaining action sequences that should satisfy any X-Force fan. The sub-plot with Hope Summers has still been slow and her character seems to become more unlikable with every act she takes in this post-“Avengers vs. X-Men” era. But the series as a whole is solid and this issue nicely reflects how this X-title has come to be exactly that...solid.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #10

Every week, I pick out a few comics to smear with brain matter. This week, that brain matter mixed with a whiney little bitch who has red hair, green eyes, and isn't named Jean Grey. That's right, it's another comic featuring Hope fucking Summers. These are the deranged and pissed off thoughts that emerge as a result of reading Cable and X-Force #10.

The first few pages of this issue suck donkey balls for the same reason the entire previous issue sucked elephant testicles. It involved Hope fucking Summers. She’s still looking for Cable, despite him making it very clear that he wants nothing to do with her for the time being. Either she’s had enough apocalyptic futures or she’s grown to the point where she reminds him way too much of his mother. And being a good adopted father is a lot harder when serious mommy issues are thrown into the mix. It’s also harder when said daughter is a bratty little bitch, but that’s beside the point. After pwning the Avengers and mind-fucking her foster parents, she catches up with Blaquesmith, who came with Cable from the future during X-Sanction, the last comic where Hope wasn’t such a bitch. Apparently, he’s now making a living running 7/11-like joints. As someone who has stumbled drunk into many such facilities, I can only offer Blaquesmith my sincerest thanks.

Finally, we ditch the Hope fucking Summers sub-plot that made the last issue so shitty and catch up with Cable and X-Force. Because…you know, it’s supposed to be their fucking book last I checked. They’re on the run and lying low, living on Forge’s Cheyenne reservation out of a trailer. Throw in some beer and a deep fried turkey and you’ve got the closest we’ll ever get to a redneck team of X-men. There’s something poetic about that, but it does offer a nice explanation of what they have been up to while Hope fucking Summers is busy being a total bitch. The exchange between the team is nicely done from Boom-Boom’s whining to Dr. Nemesis’s mastery of playing horseshoes. This is the part about Cable and X-Force that I missed. I’d much rather have this shit than stories about Hope fucking Summers being a bitch.

It’s not all beer and horseshoes for Cable though. He’s still having nasty visions of the future and apparently, these visions are starting to come in bunches. It’s not enough to just save the future once. Multiple forces just have to keep coming at them, trying to tear the world a new asshole. He describes how he now sees epic disasters in five different locations and apparently blowing up a fast food warehouse or setting a genocidal alien free didn’t fix much. At some point, I have to wonder if Cable just wants to say, “fuck it.”

But as overwhelmed as he is, Domino offers some advice that doesn’t involve dry humping or shooting pennies from a mile away. She kindly points out that X-Force is a team. They can actually get shit done on their own without him barking orders. He can maybe try trusting them to take on these disasters without him being on the front lines. It’s a novel concept, I know. And it’s coming from a hot chick who runs around in tight leather outfits. You’re not going to get better advice without it being engraved on Pamela Anderson’s last boob job.

Cable’s not the only one with leadership deficiencies either. Havok is still regularly falling flat on his ass in trying to lead the Uncanny Avengers. His team was already pwned by a bratty little Jean Grey ripoff in the previous issue. Their balls couldn’t be more shriveled if they let Mike Tyson punch them fifty times. But he’s still intent on finding Cable because the Summers family name is already tainted enough. Cable is a wanted mutant terrorist and his brother is a wanted mutant revolutionary. That officially makes him the sober one in Charlie Sheen’s family.

He still has a nice little conversation with Rogue. While Cable and his team may not be on the same level of “holy shit!” as the Apocalypse Twins or the Red Skull, it’s important that he be the one to bring Cable in. It’s personal because it’s a family affair. And it’s that personal touch that has helped make Cable and X-Force compelling, except when Hope fucking Summers is involved. And given all the pwnage the Uncanny Avengers have faced, they need to do something to un-collapse their balls.

They manage to locate Cable just as he’s trying to take Domino’s advice and delegate to his team. Now he’ll have to punch Havok in the jaw again, but his little condition that allows him to see the future makes that a little tricky to say the least. He suffers a full blown brain hemorrhage, forcing the rest of X-Force to take on the Uncanny Avengers. Thankfully, Forge has had way too much free time on his hands and apparently no internet porn. So he’s been hard at work, building some shit that he probably saw on the Discovery Channel or Night Rider reruns to help defend them. It’s not clear just where the fuck he stored this shit, but it does help buy X-Force some time and gives them a better shot at further pwnage.

And just when I was getting to enjoy NOT seeing Hope fucking Summers, we have to catch up with her and Blaquesmith. I guess I shouldn’t be completely repulsed. It’s not like this side-plot is being ignored, even though I wish it were. Hope basically tells him what we already know. Cable doesn’t want anything to do with her and why the fuck would he? She’s a messiah that didn’t sacrifice jack shit. That makes her the Ryan Leaf of messiahs. But then Blaquesmith reveals something interesting that has nothing to do with this failed rip-off character. He knows who has been fucking with Cable’s brain. Cable apparently was mulling retirement, but how the fuck can anyone who was born to a Jean Grey clone and raised a Jean Grey ripoff expect to retire?

And to add a little icing to this shit cake, Blaquesmith shoots Hope Summers. I’m sure it’s not going to kill her, but I can dream can’t I? It just makes her disappear. If only it would make her disappear permanently, but it’s still satisfying to see. This little bitch just mind fucked her adopted parents and the Uncanny Avengers. She deserves way worse than being shot.

Thankfully, that’s the last we see of Hope fucking Summers. From here on out, it’s all X-Force vs. Uncanny Avengers round 2 and it’s a pay-per-view worthy fight. There’s no negotiating or impassioned pleas this time. It’s just two opposing teams beating the shit out of each other and it’s very satisfying. We get to see Boom-Boom fight Sunfire, Havok and Captain America fight Forge’s toys, and Rogue take on Domino. My boner was hard enough, but when Thor kicked Colossus’s ass and Rogue took on his metal skin, I was officially equipped to hunt deer with this hard-on.

This is the kind of action that an X-Force comic ought to have, not an entire issue dedicated to some failed mutant messiah. I want to stop harping on how shitty the last issue was with Hope fucking Summers, but this battle and the story surrounding it was so awesome that I feel downright bitter about having to go through an issue of shitty filler. Thankfully, my attention span is very short when it comes to awesome comics. That or it’s the weed.

For the most part, the Uncanny Avengers avoid further pwnage. They rough up X-Force and show that Cable’s little band of outlaws are overmatched. But then Cable shakes off his brain hemorrhage with the same badass swagger (with help from Dr. Nemesis, of course) and uses his telepathy to mind-fuck the Uncanny Avengers into submission…again. It gives him and the team a golden opportunity to escape once again and destroy whatever is left of the Uncanny Avengers’ balls. At this point I want to feel sorry for the Uncanny Avengers, but given their collective douche-baggery since Avengers vs. X-men I’m still going to take a sadistic pleasure in it.

But unlike before, the pwnage isn’t complete. While X-Force does manage to get away, Cable’s tendency to give medical advice the finger caught up with him. He fell flat on his face after his telepathic attack and his team had to leave him behind. So while the Uncanny Avengers don’t have a whole team to throw in the jail cell that Cyclops escaped from, they have the guy responsible for it. In that sense their balls are allowed to unshrivel just a little. And with Cable in custody and more disasters to stop, it looks like X-Force is going to be stretched pretty thin, but in a very awesome sort of way.

These are my twisted thoughts on Cable and X-Force #10. Overall, it’s a solid recovery from the shit storm caused by Hope fucking Summers in the previous issue. This series is back on track to being awesome, provided it can keep the Hope fucking Summers content to a bare minimum. Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #9 - The Bitch is Back

In case I haven't made it abundantly clear in my many drunken rants, I like to sometimes kill a select number of brain cells that contain memories and feelings that piss me the fuck off. I've spent a good deal of my adult life trying and failing to kill most of my memories of high school and summer camp between the 5th and 6th grade. But I consider those the big issues that my therapist loves to bitch about. Some of the smaller issues that I try to suppress involve certain feelings about comics. I already made clear in previous posts how much the X-men movies and Bryan Singer pisses me off. But there's one other figure in comics that I've dedicated many reviews and many drunken rants towards shitting on like a constipated elephant. That figure has red hair, green eyes, and is NOT named Jean Grey.

Yes, I'm talking about Hope fucking Summers. I used to call her Jean rip-off, but now that O5 Jean Grey is back I'll just stick to calling her Hope fucking Summers. She's basically everything you hate in a character. She's an unoriginal, whiney, pissant little cunt who you wish Marvel would kill off in ways even more disrespectful than the ways they killed off Nightcrawler. It's not enough that she did jack fucking shit in Avengers vs. X-men. She was no mutant messiah. All she did was fucking let the Phoenix Force go. And somehow that required special training and shit? Hell, my mom could make me let go of my fucking dick just by scolding me. Since when did that shit become a power? But I digress.

It's bad enough Hope fucking Summers survived Avengers vs. X-men. Yet she kept giving me more reasons to want to take a shit on her grave. After Avengers vs. X-men, did she actually try to help the people who sacrificed everything to save her? Did she try to vouch for Cyclops after he dedicated a whole fucking island to protecting her? Fuck no! She just ditched the X-men and ran off to some private school so she could leave a 'normal' life. And low and behold, that shit wasn't enough for her so she ran off to find Cable. But he has since made it clear that he's had enough of her whiney little bitching and is busy with his new X-Force team.

Now Cable and X-Force was a series that started slow, but in recent times it has gotten a lot better. In recent issues this comic has become a compelling, eventful story involving a different kind of X-men team. And best of all, it got better without Hope fucking Summers and relied on more reasonable methods like Tabitha in a bikini or Colossus boning Domino. And while I've enjoyed these methods, in the back of my head I knew it was only a matter of time before Hope fucking Summers entered the picture again. And since I haven't killed enough brain cells to make me forget why she's a pissant little cunt, I suppose I must endure.

The story of Cable and his new team continues to unfold in Cable and X-Force #9 fresh off their little pwnage of Agent Brand and SWORD, but only to the extent that they crashed the ship they stole and left the Uncanny Avengers to comb through the wreckage. Now why would they crash a perfectly good ship? Okay, well maybe stealing a ship from Abigail Brand that was probably wired with all sorts of tracking wasn’t something they should have held onto. But whatever the reason, Cable is nowhere in sight and neither is his team. It leaves Havok and Rogue to talk about how fucked up it is how so many X-men have switched sides, including her. Never mind that some of them only switched sides because they were screwed over, but I guess with Cable it’s tougher since he did sort of fuck up a fast food chain. And what crime besides creating a global utopia with a cosmic force is worse than fucking up our ability to get cheap, unhealthy, processed food? Well if they are going to find Cable, it won’t be in this ship. They have to use other means and unfortunately those means involve asshole teenage girls with red hair and green eyes that aren’t named Jean Grey.

So here we go, the pissant little cunt is back after being MIA from the X-books for not nearly a long enough time. And surprise surprise, she’s finding new ways to be a total bitch. Remember that nice foster family that the Avengers went to so much trouble getting for her? Well like most bitchy teenage girls, she didn’t appreciate it in the slightest. And just to go the extra mile, she mind-fucked them into letting her go. She even ripped off a famous Star Wars quote. That means this little bitch hasn’t just fucked up the X-men. Now she’s shitting all over Star Wars. Is there no limit to the shit this bitch won’t taint?

Shortly after she’s done NOT showing her gratitude to two innocent people, the Uncanny Avengers show up. Naturally, they’ve been keeping tabs on her because why wouldn’t you want to keep tabs on a whiney teenage bitch that packs a full arsenal of mutant powers? They calmly and politely explain to her that they can’t let her join Cable. He’s a wanted fugitive who recently blew up a fast food warehouse, killed people, freed an alien tyrant, and stole a space ship. That’s a long list of crimes that they don’t need the so-called mutant messiah associated with.

But what’s even more remarkable and thus makes Hope even more a bitch is that she knows it’s a bad idea. She also tells them that Cable doesn’t want her to seek him out either. He’s basically cut her from his life and why shouldn’t he? He did his job and helped her be the mutant messiah in the lamest way possible by just letting the fucking Phoenix Force go. He doesn’t need to care for her anymore, but she just won’t let this shit go in the same way other teenage girls won’t let anyone share their tampons. There’s being a rebellious teenager and then there’s just being a total dick and Hope fucking Summers doesn’t even try to walk the line.

There’s not much going on here. There’s just a lot of talking. It’s just the Uncanny Avengers trying to reason with a teenage girl. They might as well try to convert Ozzy Osborne to being a fucking Mormon. To their credit, the Uncanny Avengers try to adopt a less authoritarian approach. They try to reason and empathize with Hope, telling her that she doesn’t have to get involved with this shit again. Rogue even tries to be friendly again, drawing parallels to what she went through with Mystique. She says she wants to make her own choices. But to a teenage girl that just means “I want to do whatever the fuck I want and I don’t give a shit about the consequences.” And given all the shitty things Hope fucking Summers has done to everyone who placed their faith in her, that’s even a bigger dick move than usual and this scene does nothing to make it compelling.

And she’s not done making people hate her more just yet. Remember how she mind fucked those two innocent foster parents that let her into their home and tried to give her a better life? Well where did she get such a skill? She’s got a long list of mutant powers, but she needs to pick up on them first. Well that is actually explained. During their conversation, we find out that Hope managed to ditch whoever was keeping tabs on her for the Avengers just long enough to pay a visit to the exact prison where the Purple Woman was being held. And for some reason this prison lets random teenage girls visit dangerous prisoners without question. I could list any number of ways this makes no fucking sense even in the must fucked up of justice systems. But that would just cause me to waste some perfectly good vodka. There’s nothing interesting whatsoever about Hope’s conversation with Purple Woman. She’s just there to get her power. That’s it. It’s by far the worst conjugal visit in the history of prison.

Armed with the Purple Woman’s power, Hope fucking Summers proceeds to mind fuck the Avengers into fighting each other. She even does it with an evil glare to show that she always goes the extra distance when it comes to being a bitch. So now she’s fucked over the X-men after they did everything to save her from Bastion. She’s fucked over the foster parents that lovingly let her into their home. And she’s fucked over the Avengers who gave her that home. Is there no lines this bitch won’t cross?

Again, there’s not much to this scene. Captain America and Havok fight over leadership. It’s basically the same fight we saw in the pages of Uncanny Avengers, but twenty times more awesome. Hell, I would prefer that the Red Skull was mind-fucking them more than Hope fucking Summers at this point. It’s not very action packed or compelling. It’s just some mindless bit of action in a comic that has consisted mostly of reasoning with a teenage girl. So it should come to nobody’s surprise that it devolved into an epic fail.

Rogue manages to stop the brawl before it becomes an all out dick-measuring contest and stops Hope from bolting. But rather than try to mind fuck them again, Hope employs yet another power. That obscenely contrived prison that was way too fucking lenient on visitor policies helped Hope in another way. As it just so happened, Martinique Wynegarde was being housed at that prison as well. Why was she there? And how was it that Hope knew they were there? We don’t get an explanation. That would make too much sense and as we’ve seen in every recent story involving Hope fucking Summers, making sense just isn’t a priority. So through this incredibly contrived coincidence, Hope now has the power to cast illusions.

But if Hope had the power to cast illusions all along, why the fuck didn’t she just cast an illusion to begin with so that she never had to face the Uncanny Avengers? Why go through the trouble of mind-fucking them when she knew they weren’t going to convince her? Again, that shit might have made too much fucking sense. It might have actually forced this comic to be about more than Hope fucking Summers. But again, that’s not what we get.

Showing that she has no imagination in addition to being a total bitch, she creates a fucked up illusion that consists of a sentinel with the Red Skull’s head Photoshopped on top. It makes for another short and bland action scene that is over exceedingly quickly and causes no commotion whatsoever at a crowded bus station in the middle of the fucking day. Either the scene just wasn’t that well thought out or Hope fucking Summers just mind fucked everybody to ensure she got away. And she did too. She succeeded in once again giving the finger to a group of people who tried to help her. She might as well have punched a nun in the face and taken a shit in good will donation jar because that’s the kind of bitch she is.

It makes for a very unsatisfying ending because now Hope fucking Summers has escaped and is on her way to join Cable. She’s now on a bus where she even gets recognized by some kid who saw her televised exploits earlier in the series. But again, absolutely nothing comes of it. We’re just left with a renegade Hope fucking Summers that’s now on her way to meet up with Cable and probably fuck up the awesome story that has been unfolding over the past few issues. I still want to see how that story pans out, but I know that there’s next to no chance that Hope fucking Summers won’t make it worse by being the little bitch she is.

In recent times, I’ve given the impression that I enjoy seeing the Avengers get pwned. And I do. It’s one of the many things I’ve been jerking off to lately. But like all my masturbatory habits, there is purpose behind it. I enjoyed seeing the Avengers get pwned in Uncanny X-men and All New X-men because they fucking deserved it. They were being assholes, which is pretty fucked up considering how nice their shit ended up smelling after Avengers vs. X-men. And they were being assholes in this issue too, but once again they were upstaged by a whiney little bitch named Hope fucking Summers.

There are any number of ways to fuck up a comic. Just having 22 pages showing the Hulk take a shit is one of them, but I would consider that far more entertaining than any comic that focuses on Hope fucking Summers. I knew that this bitch could upset the hot streak that Cable and X-Force has been on lately. But once again, the little bitch outdid herself. She actually found a way to make me hate her fucking guts even more with this issue. She actually made it so I couldn’t get a boner watching the Avengers get pwned again. And there’s just no excuse for that. Ever.

The biggest flaw with this comic is that it didn’t even follow the plot that has been unfolding over the past several issues, aside from addressing the crashed ship that Cable stole from Abigail Brand. I was enjoying that plot. I didn’t need to see a whole fucking issue dedicated to Hope fucking Summers being an even bigger pissant little cunt. That’s all this issue was. Hope just wasn’t satisfied with ditching the X-men that did so much to save her and not doing a damn thing for Cyclops, who placed all his faith in her. She was given a nice, simple life on a silver platter that most teenagers would kill for and even more teenagers take for granted. And she didn’t just throw that shit away. She mind-fucked the innocent people trying to help her and completely gave the finger to Cable’s wishes, who has made it clear that he’s had enough of her whiney ass. There’s being an ungrateful little bitch and then there’s just being a bitch. There aren’t enough crazy glue laced tampons in the world for this little cunt.

It wasn’t all flaws though. At times the conversation between Hope and the Uncanny Avengers was compelling. The dialog was strong and so was the artwork. And as much as it makes me want to shove an ice pick in my balls, I knew Hope fucking Summers was going to get involved in Cable’s shit again and this did help set it up. But it did so without even hinting at what Cable and his team were doing now that they had pissed of Agent Brand. There was no balance and it all just amounted to the Uncanny Avengers failing to convince a bitchy teenage girl to listen to them. I mean they might as well have told a story about me attending an AA meeting because the whole premise was flawed to begin with.

I don’t want to throw Cable and X-Force into the shredder just because of Hope fucking Summers. This issue is an anomaly in a series that has been getting progressively better. And one shitty issue with one shitty character shouldn’t ruin it. Hope fucking Summers comes dangerously close, but doesn’t succeed. Cable and X-Force is still a viable series, but this is not a viable issue. Because of her bullshit, I can only give this issue a 1.5 out of 5. Other than some emotional dialog, there’s nothing memorable in this comic except a teenage girl not listening to people who know better. In other words, you can spend a day in my old high school and get the exact same shit that this comic offered, minus the wedgies. Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #8 - Present and Future Awesome

I’ve often wondered what aliens would think of the human race if they ever visited Earth. Part of me thinks that they’ll incinerate the entire planet down to the sub-atomic scale the moment they see the first two seasons of the Jersey Shore and meet the likes of Andy Dick, Pat Robertson, and Kim Jong Un. But another part of me (usually the one that’s not sober) tries to have a more optimistic view of aliens. Maybe when they arrive they’ll be just as fond of football, beer, and boobs as men like me.

For that reason, I relate to the creepy yet cool alien that was introduced in the pages of Cable and X-Force #7. This alien, despite looking like a cross between a shaved monkey and a cold sore on Tommy Lee’s scrotum, comes off as the kind of alien I would have a beer with. When Domino and Boom Boom freed him in the previous issue, his first inclination wasn’t to vaporize them or use them in some twisted breeding experiment as most would be inclined to do. He ended up toying with them, laughing at their pitiful human remarks. So he chose to protect them as they escaped from a high security prison that Colossus was too chicken shit to leave. Plus, he did it while keeping Boom Boom in her bikini. You have to respect that on some levels.

An alien with a fondness for beautiful women in bikinis is just one aspect of Cable and X-Force that makes it appealing. Cable and his team are on the run from the authorities, the X-men, the Avengers, and the imaginary voices in Michelle Bachmann’s head. Yet the amount of fucks they do not give could not be measured with multiple universes. This is because Cable is having visions of the future and those visions are about as appealing as a weekend locked in an Indian public bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in a decade. That is what led him to both break an alien out of prison and hijack one a ship from SWORD. Yeah, it’s that bad.

The future inches closer in Cable and X-Force #8 as our friendly, bikini-loving alien has Domino, Forge, Dr. Nemesis, and the bikini-clad Tabitha captured in his ship. As you might expect, SWORD is not very happy with this and sends a fleet of attack ships to confront him. But the alien isn’t as interested in them as he is his Domino. I admit she would probably draw my attention more than attacking space ships, depending on what she was or wasn’t wearing. The alien is genuinely curious. Why would X-Force free him when he has already dangerous enough to make it on Abigail Brand’s shit list. Then again she seems like the kind of woman who would put you on her shit list if you looked at her cross-eyed. So that’s still a pressing issue that hasn’t been resolved. But that doesn’t seem to bother Domino, nor should it. When you’ve got a rack like hers, not much should bother her.

Unfortunately for Cable, he doesn’t have a rack like Domino’s. That means he’s going to be bothered/pissed when he arrives at the now damaged prison to find out his team has been abducted by a potentially dangerous alien with a soft spot for pretty Earth women. He’s also going to be bothered/pissed when SWORD confronts him. They tend not to appreciate it when someone frees a dangerous prisoner under their guard. And since they confront him with a big fucking ship, he has no choice but to surrender. Even Colossus, who just stood around like a pussy while the alien got away, gets taken as well. Even if you’re not on Brand’s shit list, she’s not afraid to use the guilt-by-association approach.

Abigail Brand may be a harsh, unfair bitch, but she usually has reasons for being that way. Once she takes Cable and Colossus into custody, she goes through the trouble of explaining those reasons and unlike most vindictive women, they’re actually good ones. We finally find out just who this alien is and why he was locked up. His name is Kliktok the Cruel and aside from being guilty of having a goofy name, he’s also guilty of committing mass slaughter in 12 different star systems. Why? I assume the reason he gives amounts to “Fuck you and suck my six-foot alien dick.” And apparently SWORD had agreed to hold him so that other alien systems could debate on how the torture him to death. Because apparently, the alien justice system is as advanced as the Spanish Inquisition.

Sadly, this means that the alien that I thought I could have a beer with turned out to be a total genocidal asshole. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised, but one of these days I really hope Marvel introduces us to an alien that isn’t afraid to get drunk and fondle boobs. At least with this alien, we have a dangerous threat that only a group X-Force can deal with. You may be able to reason with mutant-hating bigots to a point, but not a genocidal alien. It helps answer a question that was a bit of a plot hole in the last issue and this certainly helps, although it means I’ll have to find someone else to share my beer with.

So Abigail Brand has a good excuse for being pissed. But what about Cable? Why the fuck would he want to free an asshole like Kliktok? Well he actually has a good excuse as well and to get the point across to someone of Brand’s bitchy inclinations, he uses his telepathy to show her part of that horrific vision of the future. And it actually fits in perfectly with the details Brand just gave. He reveals that the aliens that were fighting over how to torture Kliktok couldn’t hold their wad and decided to attack Earth, murder 6 million people, and then torture Kilktok. That essentially means that it’s Brand’s fault for agreeing to hold this alien asshole in the first place and by freeing him from his prison cell, Cable essentially took the target off of Earth.

Again, we finally have a few lingering plot holes filled. Cable’s visions of the future finally actually mean something other than, “we’re fucked and we have to do crazy shit that involves putting Tabitha in a bikini.” Not that I mind the bikini, but it really does help the story in a big way when these sorts of plot holes are filled in. Not only that, they make fucking sense. That means I can read this comic drunk and sober and still get it. And I always give extra points to that, almost as much as I give hot blonds in bikinis.

Since Brand really is the one that fucked up in the first place, she agrees to help Cable. She even lets him and Colossus ride along in her private space ship so that they can catch up with Kiktok and save the rest of the team. However, she makes it clear to them that she wants them punished for their bullshit. Never mind that they may have just saved 6 million lives. They still freed an alien prisoner and fucked up a secure prison. Not only that, they’re still wanted for the shit they pulled in the previous arc. It’s not a fair deal in the slightest, but it’s probably the fairest deal anyone will ever get from Abigail Brand without boning her.

Back with Kliktok, he’s still learning the intricacies of dealing with human women with a great rack. He’s starting to get hostile with Domino, although he hasn’t resorted to probing just yet (although I’m sure it’s on his list). But Domino keeps her cool in a way that just makes you love her even more. She really does shine while the rest of the team is out cold for most of the issue. She shows no fear in the face of an alien mass murderer and why should she? She always has luck on her side. And in this case it helps that Forge planted a bomb in Kliktok’s ship that goes off before he can take them into deep space for more extensive probing. It’s a great moment that feminists will love and men can still jerk off to.

And it isn’t just a bomb going off that Kilktok has to deal with. Now that his ship is crippled, he has to deal with Brand. Her ship is able to catch up with his and now he’s in deep shit once again. And for once, Colossus actually contributes this time in ways that don’t involve whining like a little prison bitch who ran out of band aids to stop the bleeding from his asshole. He still keeps droning on about how this shit is his fault. I’ve long since stopped trying to make sense of his whining, but what does make sense is throwing him into the vacuum of space and having him ram a hole right into Kliktok’s ship. They call it a Spaceball Special and it’s the first time Colossus has shown some testicular strength in quite a while.

Colossus helps add to his still damaged reputation by putting those big muscles of his to good use and beating the shit out of Kliktok. That alien dared to strangle a woman he recently boned. Even if he is a whiney little bitch now, you just don’t do that to a guy like Colossus. It’s a satisfying way to finally get Colossus involved in a story without him whining like a little bitch. He still has a long ways to go before I can respect him again, but this certainly helps.

With Kliktok down, they proceed to toss him to an incoming armada of alien ships. These were the same ships that Cable saw in his vision that would have torched Earth in the same way Sarah Palin torches nature preserves. So that effectively averts that horrible future while ensuring that Kliktok is fucked in whatever holes he has.

But there’s still the matter of X-Force having to turn themselves in after returning to Earth. Abigail Brand made it clear that she was not inclined to let them walk free. Well maybe the X-men would have shown some respect for the law, but these aren’t the X-men. They’re X-Force. They’re already fugitives. They are to SWORD what Mexican immigrants are to Lou Dobbs. And they’re not content to be deported back to prison cells. So in the most kind manner possible, they kick Abigail Brand out of her own ship. If they weren’t on her shit list before, they can be certain they are now near the very top.

Once X-Force ditches her, Brand calls SWORD so they can pick her up. But while floating in space, she also has time to phone the Uncanny Avengers. Because it’s not enough for her to just be pissed enough to make X-Force pay for their bullshit. She needs help making them regret being on her shit list. The first one she talks to is Havok, who Cable already pwned in the last arc. Well now he’s going to get another shot and he’ll also have the full faith and support of Abigail Brand. So even though Cable and X-Force saved 6 million lives, they’re still going to be treated like fugitives. That’s gratitude for you.

So I guess that Kliktok the Cruel wasn’t the kind of alien that guys like me could hang out and have a beer with. He’s yet another alien sociopath who likes to destroy entire worlds, piss on the ashes, and jerk off on the corpses. If real aliens had lobbyists, they would probably blacklist this book until the end of time. However, I’m perfectly fine with Kliktok not being one of those cool aliens I can hang out with. His role in this story and this overall arc came together perfectly in this issue. It may have taken a while, but Cable and X-Force #8 is officially the new high point of this series and I couldn’t be more satisfied.

Shit finally came together in a way that made a wonderful world of sense. We finally see the purpose behind Cable’s visions. We see why X-Force had to free this alien. We see why this alien was locked in a prison cell so deep that he was probably making Jimmy Hoffa his prison bitch. We see Colossus still being a whiney little bitch, yet he actually managed to contribute in a meaningful way. We even get to see Domino be her awesome self and with her clothes on no less. That’s quite an accomplishment for a series that started out more incoherent than my last trip to Amsterdam. Not only that, Tabitha stayed in her bikini. I definitely give this book bonus points for that.

When an arc comes together in such a nice, coherent way it brings a tear to my eye and a shot of tequila to my lips. But when an arc also offers some nice teasers for what the next story may be, more tears and more tequila start flowing. My liver my hate it, but my heart has priority in matters of comics. The Uncanny Avengers, a series that also has been improving lately, is about to get involved in a way that will most likely include Havok being a total douche-bag and X-Force pwning their asses. I know that shit has already been done in books like Uncanny X-men, but I’m still not sick of it so I’m still excited about it.

This book was concise, refined, and everything that I hoped it would be from the beginning. A killer alien and visions of the future is a great backdrop for X-Force. If this book does have a flaw, it’s Abigail Brand being too nice at times in helping Cable. That and Colossus heaping all this needless guilt on himself is getting old fast. If he just spent a little more time between Domino’s legs, he might actually salvage parts of his balls. But he hasn’t and because of that he’s still like that guy at a party who only drinks light beer. Never-the-less, Cable and X-Force #8 is by far the best issue to date thus far. I give it a 4.5 out of 5. Maybe one day X-Force will meet an alien that is fun to hang out with and will also keep Tabitha in her bikini. But until that day, let’s just hope that aliens don’t make friends with Al Sharpton. Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #7 - Creepy Alien Awesome

Having daddy issues is like the race card in terms of excuses for being an asshole/bitch/douche bag. A girl is shameless slut? Daddy issues. A boy is an undisciplined deviant? Daddy issues. An woman is vindictive and cruel? Daddy issues. A man has severe commitment issues? Damn it, more daddy issues! Now I’m not underplaying the importance of parents in the lives of children. Parents have a lot of potential to help or screw up their kids’ lives. But at some point, it becomes a shitty excuse. Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole because God is not a dipshit. Inspiration for supervillains in comics has to come from somewhere.

You could easily make the argument that many of the characters in X-men comics have serious daddy issues, but these aren’t the kind of issues that turns a girl into a slut and a boy into a star of America’s Most Wanted. The life of Cable is closely tied to daddy issues, both from the perspective of his father, Cyclops, and from the perspective of having raised a puissant little bitch of a rip-off character named Hope Summers. No one should really be surprised that he has a history of being a cold, cruel, gun-toting badass who prefers to solve problems by shooting them. He’s like Ted Nugant if he was fucked up by too much time travel. For that same reason, no one should be surprised that he’s a wanted fugitive in the pages of Cable and X-Force.

The reasons for him being a fugitive are iffy at best and fucked up at worst. The first four issues did an exceedingly shitty job of establishing Cable and his new team as someone the Avengers want to throw in jail, but recent issues have done a better job of making the Cable-as-a-fugitive concept more entertaining. He’s been having visions of the future that require a healthy application of lethal force to solve. So while Colossus let his conscious kick his ass and went to prison, Cable began formulating a plan to deal with these visions. That’s when he got a visit from his dad, who also happens to be a fugitive. There’s something beautifully fitting about a father/son moment like this, but I’ll save that for an episode of Dr. Phil.

It’s not like Cyclops doesn’t have good reasons for seeking out his son. Cable did kind of ditch the X-men in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men. He could have at least explained to the Avengers that he had visions of the future, as documented in X-Sanction, that showed the Earth being torched as a result of them seeking out Hope. This may have at least made them think twice about picking a fight with the X-men in the first place. But for some reason, he just left. Aside from deserving a good whip with the belt, he’s also joined Cyclops on the Avengers’ most wanted list. So I guess that helps make up for it.

Cable and X-Force #7 promises both a father/son moment and more shit blowing up. It starts with an overly casual greeting. If I were Cyclops, I would probably start with something like “Where the fuck were you when everything went to hell with the Phoenix Force?!” But I’m not a father so I guess Cyclops understands the value of being subtle with a time-traveling gun-toting son. Cyclops, being a fugitive himself, just seems to want to know if he’s okay and probably is a little curious as to how he ended up a fugitive as well. They don’t get a chance to really discuss anything because at the end of the previous issue, Cable was jacking a SWORD ship. And as we’ve seen on many occasions, Abigail Brand does not like having her shit stolen. Anyone who has ever borrowed a woman’s deodorant knows the kind of chaos this can cause.

As this father/son moment is being destroyed worse than a child support check from Terrell Owens, Forge and Dr. Nemesis are taking the alien craft they recovered in the previous issue for a joyride of sorts. Dr. Nemesis even finds some time to throw in a insensitive race joke. While it may put Dennis Hopeless on the ACLU’s shit list, it does add a nice element of dialog to the story. That’s one thing this series has done very well since the beginning. Each character has a solid voice. You can literally feel the arrogant prick tone in Dr. Nemesis’s voice and the pissed off minority with Forge.

But what about the alien craft itself? It was somewhat of a WTF moment in the previous issue and was coming dangerously close to being yet another example of this series being more all over the place than a Johnny Depp movie. Is there any hope at all we’ll get some kind of explanation? I’ve got my whiskey and bong handy just in case.

Another side-plot from the previous issue that was chaotic in all the right ways was Domino and Boom Boom’s break-in to a prison. Domino was her usual bonerific self, busting in and kicking ass in ways that you can jerk off to and not feel too disgusted with yourself. But she also met up with Colossus, who is still in his whiney bitch phase after turning himself in. Somehow he still thinks being locked in an environment of monotony and man-rape will help him atone. Domino points out how full of shit he is and even offers to help bust him out. He refuses and she just gives him an attitude that should give any man an even bigger boner before running off to meet up with Boom Boom. Again, the characterization here is spot on, just like Domino’s rack. Alone, they’re pretty cool. But together, they’re truly awesome.

But what about Boom Boom? In the previous issue, she joined the team sporting a bikini, a bottle of booze, and a jet ski. She’s kind of my guardian angel is what I’m saying, but she was supposed to get herself arrested so that she could be in a position to blow some shit up and free an alien prisoner. Well, she did that, but unfortunately the alien prisoner is of a very creepy variety. Not quite anime tentacle rape-creepy, but still rape-creepy in that it apparently tried to put its alien babies in her and she had to blow it the fuck off her. In other words, it’s a perfect meeting of hot chick and creepy alien that will put a smile on your face and a bulge in your pants

The alien may be creepy, but it turns out it isn’t interested solely in breeding with Earth women (although I assume that’s still a high priority). By dry-humping Boom Boom, it was somehow able to learn English in ways that we only wish 7/11 employees would. Even though it understands her now, she doesn’t really get a chance to explain herself. Keep in mind she’s still wearing a bikini. I imagine that is pretty distracting for any species. However, the alien isn’t distracted enough to start blowing holes in the fucking wall. I guess that means Boom Boom needs a tighter bikini the next time she wants to hold the attention of a creepy alien.

Now to this point I’ve been able to criticize Cable and X-Force for doing a shitty job at explaining just what the hell is going on with these characters and the overall plot. It has been part of what has made this series so infuriatingly sub-par. But during Cable and Cyclops’s battle to not become a bug stain on Abigail Brand’s shoe, we finally get an explanation. It took too damn long, but we do get it.

It’s not overly complicated, but it’s not too basic either. That alien that was dry-humping Boom Boom is a war criminal awaiting trial by SWORD. Apparently, he knows some shit that could lead to the death of six million people. At least, that’s what Cable’s vision seems to indicate. And since his visions were so damn accurate for Avengers vs. X-men, I guess Cyclops gives him the benefit of the doubt. We may be able to debate Cable’s vision, but that doesn’t make it any less satisfying to finally have an explanation for this plot. Like a long overdue blowjob, it makes the rest of the story that much more enjoyable.

Armed with this explanation, Domino’s efforts to catch up with Boom Boom and their new alien fugitive become that much more important. She manages to fight her way through the rubble, only to get thrown into the water with Boom Boom. However, the creepy alien is nice enough to create some strange purple bubble that draws them in and allows them to breathe. The alien seems pretty amused, coming that it doesn’t know whether to eat or play with Earth women. I think many men would agree with him. A brief little conversation follows before the alien decides its hungry. Domino tells him they broke him out to free him and they have his ship. For some reason, the alien finds this fucking hilarious and laughs in a way that I can only imagine is as bad as playing Justin Bieber music at the highest possible volume.

By whatever other powers this alien has aside from attracting beautiful women, it is able to take control of the ship that Forge and Dr. Nemesis worked so hard to hijack and draws it right towards its position. It’s not just convenient. It gives a rather graphic display of just how powerful this alien is and offers additional insight into just how pissed off Abigail Brand is going to be. It helps make painfully apparent that an alien this power could easily be involved in something that leads to six million deaths and it doesn’t even have a goofy little mustache. That or it’s just trying to impress Boom Boom when she’s still in her bikini.

As for that father/son moment we were promised…well, the fishing trip will probably have to wait. Both Cyclops and Cable know that when SWORD starts shooting at you, your only chance of survival means being a moving target. We do get some sense of a moment in that Cyclops helps Cable escape and makes clear that he trusts his son. That says a lot, considering this is the same son that did jack shit to help out during Avengers vs. X-men. He says they’ll meet up again, but still a lot of shit was left unresolved.

And that’s somewhat of a letdown. Granted, you can’t discuss everything you want to when the fine folks at SWORD are shooting at you. But still, this could have been a great moment for Cyclops and Cable as well as an opportunity to mix and match the events of this book with that of Uncanny X-men. We really don’t get much from it. They don’t discuss the Phoenix Force. They don’t discuss the O5 returning from the past. It’s still nice to see Cyclops help out his son, but it still ends up feeling underwhelming and a missed opportunity. And that to me like throwing away a perfectly good case of beer. It’s downright tragic.

We may have lost out on bigger father/son moment, but there’s still time to throw in one last middle finger to Colossus for being such a pussy. Now armed with his ship, the creepy alien unites with X-Force and prepares to take off amidst a prison complex that is now badly in need of some remodeling. Colossus is still there, watching as the alien essentially mocks him for not embracing freedom. When a creepy alien thumbs its nose or whatever the fuck it has at you, you know you’ve stooped to a fucked up new low. I want to feel sorry for Colossus, but he turned his ass in while everyone else in the Phoenix Five is finding other ways to be productive. So I’m sorry big guy. I love you, but I can’t have much sympathy for whiney little bitches. We already have Hope Summers. We don’t need anyone else adding to it.

Creepy aliens and hot women are one of those beautiful combinations that go together like peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and marshmallows, or cocaine and whiskey. And like pizza and a blowjob, it’s very difficult to mess up. Dennis Hopeless seemed to understand that with this issue and the intrigue level for this story suddenly went beyond Domino’s boobs if you can believe that. We’ve got a creepy alien war criminal, a renegade ship, and an extremely pissed off SWORD that both Cable and Cyclops just gave the finger to. Throw in Boom Boom in a bikini and you’ve got either the perfect Roland Emerich movie or a kick-ass porno.

Cable and X-Force #7 may not have provided too many father/son moments to give you that warm and fuzzy feeling you hoped. If you really want that feeling, heroin is probably the way. This comic had a lot more action packed into it and the drama, while still present, was secondary. We have Cyclops catching up with his son, but we don’t see them talk at all about the events of Avengers vs. X-men or sharing a good laugh about pwning the Avengers. We also still have Piotr being a self-loathing little bitch who thinks rotting in a prison cell will act as some sort of atonement. So on the drama angle, this issue does fall short. But in terms of action and in terms of moving the plot forward, this issue succeeds like Jenna Jameson at a dick-sucking contest.

I said after the first arc of Cable and X-Force that this was probably the weakest X-book since the Marvel NOW! relaunch. I still stand by that assessment. However, this arc is succeeding in all the ways the first one failed. For one, this arc doesn’t go overboard with flashbacks or time jumping. It actually follows a clear, logical progression. In addition, the seemingly divergent plots actually do come together in the end in a coherent way that allows you to not be sober when you read it. And for any drunken comic fan, that makes this issue a cut above the rest. The creepy alien was just a bonus.

This issue may fail at making much out of Cyclops’s first encounter with Cable since Avengers vs. X-men, but it succeeds in making the overall story much more coherent and exciting. And still, you can’t help but get teary-eyed when you see Cyclops and Cable bonding over being wanted fugitives. They’re both on the run. They really don’t have time for fishing trips or any heart-to-heart for that matter. But they’re trying to make a best of a shitty situation and that alone gives them the kind of balls that Colossus desperately needs right now. Between a more concise story, solid in-character dialog, and hot chicks running around with aliens I have to give this issue high marks. Cable and X-Force #7 gets a 4 out of 5. It’s been a while since a story involving a creepy alien gave me a boner. Depending on this creepy alien’s mating rituals, it may be the first of many! Nuff said!