Objectifying The Mission: X-Force #1

The following is my review of X-Force #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Very few professions outside of the circus involve having fun at work. Anyone else that tries to make light of their job is either fired or reflected in a Dilbert comic strip. And that shouldn’t surprise anyone. Work isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a serious, boring, and tedious array of tasks that reward competence with a means to enjoy tasks that are exactly the opposite. However, there are a select few that dare to enjoy their work and even fewer dare to have fun with it. But an occupation that involves being part of a secret team of superheroes that skip the part where the heroes dutifully hand the bad guys over to the authorities doesn’t sound like a place where any sane human being would dare to have fun. Yet that’s exactly the sentiment that X-Force #1 conveys.

This issue is part of a second wave of re-launched titles that makes up Marvel’s All New Marvel NOW! initiative. While this has opened up many new creative avenues for other series, X-Force has been one of those avenues that has been meandering aimlessly since the end of Rick Remender’s run on Uncanny X-Force. There used to be two X-Force teams operating with a different set of characters, a different set of missions, and a different set of circumstances. But in the same way shining two flashlights together doesn’t make a room brighter, having two teams didn’t make the concept of X-Force more engaging. It just made everything more chaotic.

From the beginning, X-Force #1 streamlines the concept of X-Force and it does it in a way that not as brooding as it could have been. It’s still a much darker tone than the other X-men titles. At its core, X-Force is a team that takes on missions that can’t be accomplished through heroic means. They’re like the sewer system of a clean city. Nobody sees it or appreciates it, but it has to be there or things get very messy in the worst possible way. It has Cable returning to his role as a battle-hardened soldier who has a very low tolerance for incompetence and an immense bravado that allows him to dip his hands into the dirtiest missions. However, what really sells this new breed of X-Force is the perspective of its newest member, Marrow.

She’s a C-list character that has been MIA from the X-men comics for many years. She’s also one of those characters that has never been sufficiently developed, but she does have a certain edge to her. She’s tough, she’s brave, and she’s immature to a fault. That makes her the perfect guide in a sense for introducing this new era of X-Force. And she does it in a way wholly unfit for a shadowy team of X-men with questionable ethics in that she sees it as a fun new job. At times, she sounds like a kid that just got a job as a taster in an ice cream factory. Marrow sees the violence surrounding X-Force and likens it to music. That’s akin to calling rotting meat appetizing.

This tone offers an interesting perspective to X-Force, but it also detracts from the very serious mission that the team has taken on. It’s not a very novel threat. Someone has turned a mutant into a bomb and that bomb has already been used to secretly kill thousands of people. It’s a threat that seems to emerge every other month in the Marvel universe, but it’s a threat that X-Force is best equipped to deal with because those involved make it clear that they respond to violence and not diplomacy. And the way X-Force deals with this threat is appropriately violent and effective. Marrow’s playful and at times childish assessment of this mission is entertaining, although at some point it does become a distraction.

That point takes place when Marrow gets to act as the proverbial hammer that delivers the most violence against this mysterious foe. The way she talks to Cable, Psylocke, and her teammates sounds more befitting of a co-op mission in Call of Duty. It’s childish to the point where it detracts from the underlying mission for X-Force. While nobody can claim she isn’t having fun with her new role, it makes for an uneven tone throughout the book.

And it isn’t just Marrow’s immature perspective that creates this tone either. Fantomex joins the team as well and is quick to exploit his history with Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force. But unlike previous interactions, there’s little melodrama or romantic tension. Fantomex is about as charming as a drunken frat boy and Psylocke is as hostile to his remarks as Nickelback haters. While their romantic sub-plot has already played out, they have no excuse for lacking maturity. It removes any possibility of drama from the story.

This may be the biggest shortcoming of X-Force #1. In an effort to keep the tone of the book from getting too grim and gritty, it tries to inject a little infantile banter in between the mission. In the process it prevents the story from having a dramatic impact. In addition, the circumstances surrounding the mission lack details. There’s little explanation about what happened to the members of the other X-Force teams. There’s also little explanation as to why Hope Summers is now in a coma for some reason. While the concept itself works on paper, the transition to it and the execution are lacking. It’s like building a train set with half the pieces missing. Some parts of it come together while others don’t.

None-the-less, X-Force #1 succeeds in presenting a more classic incarnation of X-Force. This is a team that has a clear mission that won’t be mistaken for any other X-men team. Cable provides the classic, hardnosed leadership to set the tone for a team of this nature. And its newest member Marrow provides an entertaining, albeit immature perspective. That perspective may not resonate with everybody, but it’s a concept that still works. It also proves that no matter how dirty a job may be, there will always be someone who finds a way to have fun with it.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #18

Was it really that long ago that Hope fucking Summers was actually a sympathetic character and not some bullshit Jean Grey ripoff? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm serious. I don't know if I've killed too many brain cells, but I really can't remember a time when she actually was sympathetic and not some bratty little bitch who was about as likable as a rectal wart. She is one of the reasons why Avengers vs. X-men sucked so hard that it would have given Larry Flint a boner. She is also by far the least compelling character Marvel has conjured since fucking Geldoff. But once again, she is supposed to be at the center of a big crossover between Cable and X-Force and Uncanny X-Force. These are two books that have never been that awesome. They've been dry-humping the line between mediocrity and awesome for quite some time. Now they're not just crossing over. They’re setting the stage for yet another relaunch and that process begins in Cable and X-Force #18. I want to be excited, but I’m still hung over from the holidays so I’ll just try not to dry heave whenever I mention Hope fucking Summers in this review.

In an effort to keep my hangover from getting any worse, there is a nice little montage of the time when Hope fucking Summers was at least partially sympathetic. It takes the form of a nightmare where she remembers how Bishop dedicated every moment of every second of her life to hunt her down and kill her. If anything, that makes me more sympathetic to Bishop because 16 years of failures would be enough to discourage even the dumbest wannabe assassin. But it’s still more traumatic for her so she wakes up scared, gets herself some ice cream, and joins Boomer. It helps that Boomer also can’t sleep, but she has a much healthier (and sexier) way of dealing with it. She likes to dance around in her underwear to music while playing video from Cable’s apocalyptic visions of the future. Okay, so maybe it’s not that much healthier, but it’s still much sexier.

It only becomes exceedingly unsexy when one of the visions of the future includes Bishop. This naturally causes Hope fucking Summers to freak out and drop her ice cream, thereby insulting ice cream lovers all over the world. She hasn’t seen Bishop alive since before she even returned to the present and learned there was such a wonderful invention like ice cream. I imagine it would be somewhat jarring, but I do have a slight a problem with this. And by slight, I mean it’s enough to make me dry heave again.

Bishop has been back in the present for a while now. I know Cable and his team are on the run, but they do have the fucking internet in the Marvel universe. And I imagine Cable isn’t stupid enough not to keep tabs on the activities of the X-men. If he did, then he would at least have gotten a hint that Bishop has been back in the pages of Uncanny X-Force for quite a while now. Now I understand that time in comics flows more inconsistently than the plot of Inception, but for a guy that tormented Cable and Hope fucking Summers for 16 fucking years, I find it too fucked up that a vision of the future would reveal that he’s back. Hell, I find it hard to believe that Bishop wouldn’t have trended on Twitter in the Marvel universe once he returned. And since Hope fucking Summers has to find new ways to make people hate her, she decides to hit Boomer with a cattle prod when she tries to get her to slow the fuck down after deciding to go hunt down and kill Bishop. There is a short list of unforgivable crimes in the Marvel universe. Tasing a pretty blond in her underwear is definitely top 5 and leave it to Hope fucking Summers to overachieve.

Now the other X-Force team enters the equation. But unlike Cable and X-Force, Uncanny X-Force has been more forgettable than Tim Tebow’s career as a New York Jet. The only noteworthy event that has taken place recently is that Storm recently erased a good chunk of Bishop’s memories, namely those having to do with when he was trying to kill Hope. It was basically something cut and pasted from what Marvel did to redeem Tony Stark after Civil War. When a character is too much of an asshole, just erase their memories. When that fails, make a deal with Mephisto and blame magic. I’m glad they didn’t take it that far, but I can tell they were probably tempted.

It’s a nice little recap for those who boldly followed Uncanny X-Force after it plunged head first into mediocrity. It reveals the bullshit method that was used in Uncanny X-Force to make Bishop at least somewhat less of an asshole. That doesn’t keep him from being an asshole though. He still doesn’t appreciate Storm fucking with his mind. He understands why it was done and he might even concede that it was a good idea. It still pisses him off. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be pissed off, but it comes off as inane and petty. The guy basically just got to reboot the part of his character that made him an asshole without a retcon or clones. That, in and of itself, is an accomplishment.

Back with Cable’s X-Force, Boomer wakes up from Hope fucking Summers’s latest feat of douche-baggery and alerts Cable. She figures he would take a strong interest in his adopted daughter going on a one-man mission to kill a guy who spent 16 years trying to kill her. And she figures right. She even did it while still in her underwear. Again, everything is more awesome when it’s done by a cute blond in her underwear. But Cable’s first reaction isn’t to say, “That’s my girl! I’m going to go help her just in case.” He actually wants to go and stop her and for a reason that’s every bit as fucked up as Bishop’s redemption.

Cable flat out concedes that Bishop probably deserves to get shot in the head and thrown into trash compactor. But he also argues that Hope fucking Summers doesn’t deserve to become a cold-blooded killer. And for that, I say bullshit on a solid gold platter. Cable has taught this girl from birth to be a soldier and to shoot guns. What did he expect her to do with those skills? Only kill for the right reasons? He fucking let her join a team with unapologetic killers, some of whom have probably murdered in cold blood before. And now he’s suddenly concerned about how she employs the skills he taught him? Cable may be badass, but he’s totally full of shit.

I continue to sympathize more with Bishop at this point, who decided he needed some fresh air from the rest of his team. But fresh air can be pretty fucking deadly when he’s a target of Hope fucking Summers. He’s just minding his own business, being pissed off in a way that will only upset a few random bums sleeping on the streets. Then the next thing he knows, Hope fucking Summers shoots an RPG at him. Now I haven’t forgotten that Bishop has tried to shoot her with far worse. I even concede that he probably has this coming. But the way Hope fucking Summers goes about it, trying to sound all brave and bold about confronting her own personal boogyman, only makes her less sympathetic. She’s not a scared little girl anymore. She’s grown into an unapologetic bitch that even my penis can’t respect anymore.

That RPG triggers Round 601 of Bishop vs. Hope fucking Summers and the rest of Storm’s X-Force has no idea at first. They believe for some reason that it’s a good idea for Bishop to just go for a walk and fume on his own because it’s not like anyone has ever gotten into trouble for walking around pissed. Hell, that’s what the entire Grand Theft Auto series is built on. When Psylocke does eventually get around to scanning for his mind, she finds out that he’s neck deep in Hope fucking Summers’s bitch rage. Now they know how fucking stupid it was to just let him wander off, but it’s too late. Now they have to go after him and calmly explain to an unreasonable 16-year-old brat that things are different now and Bishop doesn’t need to be killed. They might as well try to explain science to Pat Robertson.

The battle between Bishop and Hope fucking Summers is pretty predictable. They throw a bunch of punches while Hope fucking Summers bitches and moans about how much she hates him. Again, she has completely shit all over any trace of sympathy that her character once had at this point. Bishop does try to explain himself, but he barely gets out any coherent words. He probably sounds like a drunk James Earl Jones to her at this point. And just before Hope fucking Summers is about to deliver the final blow and cement herself in the little bitch hall of fame, something unpredictable happens in the worst possible way.

Stryfe shows up. That’s really the only way I can describe it. He shows up in a big glowing portal of light. There’s no reason, no buildup, and no logic to it. While Stryfe did show up in one of the visions that Boomer was dancing to earlier, there’s still not a single fucking detail surrounding his appearance. It just fucking happens. If it’s an effort to be shocking, it fails miserably because it didn’t build off anything. Stryfe just stepped in before Hope fucking Summers could finish the job. It’s not just too convenient. It makes no fucking sense.

Naturally, Cable is way too fucking late to stop him. He arrives just in time to see Stryfe take both Bishop and Hope fucking Summers back into the glowing portal he came from. He doesn’t say anything that Dr. Doom hasn’t already said before. He taunts Cable for not being as powerful as he used to be. He basically gives him a big middle finger and claims to have some big, elaborate plan. But if that plans involves abducting Bishop and Hope fucking Summers, I can’t imagine a plan like that making any sense whatsoever. He leaves Cable before he can make it even somewhat interesting. It really is as random and poorly set up as it sounds. The only way I could be more accurate is if I built a diorama out of horse shit.

And as soon as Stryfe disappears, Storm and her X-Force team show up. Like Cable, they’re way too fucking late. Once again, the traffic in Southern California costs lives and fucks everything up. They arrive knowing only that Hope fucking Summers is trying to kill Bishop. They don’t know Stryfe showed up and snuck off with them like a kid in a Hershey’s factory. And since so much of this issue has been built around shit that doesn’t make sense, they decide to gang up on Bishop and blame him. It seems like one of those wrong-place-wrong-time moments for Cable, but it’s still makes too little sense for an unsober mind to read. Hell, even a sober mind couldn’t make sense of it, not that I would know.

I can already see where this shit is going. Storm’s X-Force is going to try and kick Cable’s ass. Cable’s X-Force is going to try and kick their ass in return. Nobody is going to just take a deep breath and try to explain that Cable’s evil clone is back and just took Hope fucking Summers and Bishop. In the Marvel universe, that is actually a valid explanation every now and then. It reeks of the same pointless superhero brawling that turned Avengers vs. X-men into a steaming pile of shit. And seeing Hope fucking Summers take a shit on everything that made her a sympathetic character didn’t help. Hell, the best thing this issue had going for it was Boomer in her panties. That’s inherently awesome in its own right, but not awesome enough to get this big crossover off on the right foot. Cable and X-Force #18 gets a 4 out of 10. I could give it a lower score, but I do give points for effort. This comic at least tried to make an effort to have shit make sense, which is more than I can say for Avengers vs. X-men. It just wasn’t believable or compelling. And somehow, it made me think hate Hope fucking Summers even more and that’s saying something. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #15

There are few very simple, common sense ways to deal with whiny, teenage brats. First and foremost, if you give them a reason to act like more of an asshole, they'll use it to create ten more reasons. And from those ten reasons, they'll create ten more. And when a teenager like Hope fucking Summers gets a chance, it's only a matter of time before she gives drunks like me more reasons to hate her. Cable and X-Force has been a solid series, but fuck if it hasn't given Hope fucking Summers more reasons to be a whiny little bitch. Like the banking lobby, she gets her way if she just whines and bitches enough. Now she's back being along Cable's side, basically acting as both a Cable rip-off and a Jean Grey rip-off. It's like taking two massive shits in a well. I'm going to try and not taste it too much as I review Cable and X-Force #15. All I ask is that at some point I'm not given another reason to hate this whiny little bitch that Marvel refuses to throw away.

A fresh new arc seems to be just what Cable and X-Force needs. Now that the Uncanny Avengers are off their tail, they can focus more on being the renegade outlaws that X-Force prides themselves on being. Unfortunately, being renegade outlaws doesn’t coincide with being smart. If it did, then Tiger Woods would’ve signed a pre-nup before he got married. This whole series was triggered by Cable’s premonitions of some really shitty futures that Hank McCoy didn’t cause for once. But those skills and the massive headaches that came with them were stopped at the end of the previous arc.

Not willing to throw away such a useful tool like seeing the future, Forge took it upon himself to try and upload Cable’s visions into his head. That’s like watching someone get explosive diarrhea from eating half a burger containing a bad batch of meat and then finishing the other half. I don’t know why Forge has it going into his head. He must have lost a bet with Dr. Nemesis because there’s no excuse for such voluntary stupidity. It already is showing in his mood. He’s acting like a total dick to Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom, but I guess that’s a fitting consequence of stupidity.

Forge’s attitude only gives them more reasons to work the kinds out of this whole precognition shit. Seeing the future really won’t do them much good if it means one of them will always be a total asshole. So Dr. Nemesis enlists Boom Boom to help him map Forge’s brain while he’s quarterbacking a couple of ongoing X-Force operations. It adds some more diverse personality beyond Forge being a dick. Boom Boom does more than just play the pretty blond o the team. She has the same lovable attitude that a sober Miley Cyrus has, plus access to Cable’s guns. She basically has the shit that Hope fucking Summers badly needs and Dr. Nemesis takes full advantage of it, knowing that it’s never a good idea to leave an impulsive hot blond alone with big guns for very long.

As for those operations, one is unfolding with Cable and Hope fucking Summers in the Australian outback. The visions they took from Forge revealed that a bunch of Reavers, who are basically douchebag versions of Robocop, have stolen a bunker buster bomb and plan on using it on a bunch of new mutants. And since Hope fucking Summers made it clear to Cable that she’s not going to leave him the fuck alone anymore, he enlists her help to deal with this.

She doesn’t do too much and she really doesn’t have to. The Reavers are about as coordinated as an Irish Pub on St. Patrick’s Day and they barely notice Hope just walking towards the bomb. And since she’s such a bitch, she flat out alerts them to her presence so she can kick their asses. Although in this instance, they fucking deserve it. All she really has to do is coordinate with Forge to shut down the bomb so that it can’t be used. It’s basically the X-Force equivalent of a Sunday picnic.

The other operation, however, is more like a Friday night as a frat party. This one involves Colossus and Domino teaming up in an operation that takes place outside of Bolivar Trask’s old stomping grounds in Colorado. But since X-Force isn’t known for being upstanding heroes, Colossus and Domino take time to ignore Forge’s angry bitching to have a quick fuck in the snow. It’s another nice touch that shows how these are not upstanding superheroes. Captain America would at least have the decency to fuck a beautiful women in a warm hotel room that he paid for.

In addition to showing Forge being an asshole again, it provides some insight into the relationship that’s developing between Colossus and Domino. A few issues ago, they established that their first romp had been about as meaningful as a one-night-stand with Bankok whore. But Colossus convinced Domino that it could be more than that. While he’s still clearly hung over from the Phoenix, he wants something more with her and she decides to take him up on it. And for her that means sex in the snow. I don’t know how much more Colossus was hoping for, but if he asked me for advice, I would tell him to marry her right now.

After finishing their sexy time and listening to Forge bitch, they begin their attack. A bunch of heavily armed guys who aren’t cyborgs seemed to think it was a good idea to break into one of Trask’s old private vaults and kick the tires on an old Sentinel. They might as well have been Yankees fans walking around outside of Fenway Park with a target painted around their balls. Colossus and Domino make quick work of these guys, exercising the kind of methods that would probably give Charles Xavier plenty of headaches. Then Domino scales the Sentinel and places a transmitter on it so Forge can work his magic as he calls it. I don’t know if that would be any less effective than blowing it the fuck up, but I’m guessing the premonitions indicated that this would be too subtle.

It all seems to be going so smoothly. Hell, Domino and Colossus might actually have time for another quicky on Trask’s grave. But then Forge’s dumb-ass decision to download the premonitions into his brain catches up with him. Before he can work his magic or continue being an asshole, he collapses like a guy who just passed out after a few shots of tequila. This is a problem and not just because it means Domino and Colossus won’t have time for another romp in the snow.

As this has been going on, Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have been mapping Forge’s brain to better understand the premonitions. Everything seemed to be going smoothly there as well with Boom Boom getting a brief lesson in brain mapping that she’ll probably forget the moment she picks up another one of Cable’s big guns. But during the process, Dr. Nemesis discovers that there’s something very wrong with Forge’s brainy hardware. And by that he means there’s something poking around his brain that’s helping to make him such an asshole. I’m not saying it’s a valid excuse, but it’s no less understandable than a woman blaming her overbearing mother for being such a bitch.

This discovery also coincides with Forge not being able to complete the two ongoing operations. In Australia, Cable and Hope fucking Summers discover that the big fucking bomb they were trying to deactivate is already active. Now it’s doing a 24 style countdown and they have precious little time to get the fuck out of the way. In Colorado, the Sentinel boots up and effectively kills whatever sexy mood there was between Cable and Domino. And just like that, this seemingly routine operation for X-Force goes from a walk in the park on Sunday to a full blown IRS audit on Monday. It fits together in such a beautifully chaotic way that captures the entire personality of X-Force.

And the source of all this unpleasantness for X-Force is apparently some creepy ghost-like creature that manifested inside Forge’s mind. It always has to be something creepy and ghost like when it happens in someone’s head apparently. This may or may not be the source of the headaches. It also may or may not be the reason why Forge was being such an asshole earlier. But it is officially the reason why the two operations are going to hell and now Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have to clear it up before they all end up with exceedingly painful headaches. It’s part of the hazard of being X-Force. I contend it’s still not as bad as being hung over after Mardi Gras.

This issue had a diverse range of action and plots that were all entertaining. And while Hope fucking Summers is still a whiny little bitch, she didn’t bring down the whole fucking series for once. This issue basically depicted the kind of shit I expect to see a team of outlaw X-men doing on a weekend. They fight mercenary cyborgs, break up deals involving Sentinels with extreme prejudice, and fuck recklessly in the snow. The only thing that wasn’t all that entertaining was basically recycling the whole killer headache plot. First Cable had to deal with it. Now Forge has to deal with it. I get that every hero, be they upstanding or renegade, have their share of headaches. But one plot involving headaches is more than enough. I get reminded of how much headaches suck with every hangover. Cable and X-Force #15 gets an 8 out of 10. I think that if X-Force is to function properly in the future, they need to either get better drugs or find better ways of coping with stress. After reading this, I’m going to see if sex in the snow can make a good hangover cure. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #14

How many awesome stories area result of teenage girls who have serious daddy issues? By that same token, how many shitty stories come from teenage girls who have serious daddy issues? Most of the time, these girls are easy prey for douche-bags who show them as much respect as they show the semen encrusted sock they keep in a box with their porno stash. In comics, these girls can either be a fanboy's wet dream or an annoying bitch that deserves way more respect than any sock. Hope fucking Summers has long past sealed her fate as an annoying little cunt who has as many redeeming features as Ryan Seacrest has talent. Yet she's still bitching and moaning in the pages of Cable and X-Force. So far that hasn't kept the book from being awesome, but how much longer can it hold out? Keep some blood pressure medication handy because I'm about to review Cable and X-Force #14 and it may be one of the only instances where teenage girls with daddy issues don't give me a boner.

So far, Hope fucking Summers made it all the way to the future to find out from her future self that she’s the one who fucked up Cable’s mind and fucked up the future. Now she has to work with her future self to unfuck it. It may sound more confusing than the plot of Godfather 3 after smoking a few too many joints, but it’s actually pretty basic. Both her older self and Blaquesmith equip her with a weapon and a jet pack to help her fix what her future self would fuck up. She tries to come off as sympathetic in her inner musings, but at this point there’s as much sympathy for Hope fucking Summers as there is for Miley Cyrus. Her returning to the past to fix her own mistakes is probably the best anyone can hope for with a whiney little bitch like her.

But I haven’t stuck with Cable and X-Force because I like being reminded of how much I hate Hope fucking Summers. I read it because it offers the possibility of many awesome concepts, like X-Force fighting the Uncanny Avengers. It already led to Havok being punched in the jaw in the first arc. And as satisfying as that was, it left me wanting more. And in a recent issue, X-Force decided to make a daring rescue attempt for Cable, who the Uncanny Avengers captured for some of the excessive vandalism his team was responsible for in the first arc. And since it involved blowing up a fast food joint in a world where fat-asses have a lot of influence, that just couldn’t go unpunished.

Despite having to read too much about Hope fucking Summers, it’s still a very satisfying fight. It’s not a very fair fight though and that’s to be expected. The Uncanny Avengers have fought the fucking Red Skull and the Apocalypse Twins. X-Force is strong, but they are pitifully overmatched by the likes of Thor, Captain America, Rogue, and the Scarlett Witch. At times it makes the fights seem less-than-epic, but some fights shouldn’t be epic. In the same way a fight between a lion and a squirrel is nothing to put on pay-per-view, a fight between the Uncanny Avengers and X-Force is not a battle that anyone should expect to be too drawn out. That’s part of what makes it both satisfying and believable.

And the one person who is supposed to be responsible for convincing X-Force to surrender peacefully isn’t even partaking in the fight. Havok, who is still new to this whole leadership deal, is stuck sitting on the fence and looking more indecisive than George W. Bush at a hotdog stand. Wolverine, who is just calmly drinking a beer with no desire to fuck up the lawn of the Avengers Mansion, comes off as the smartest guy on the team for once. He tells Havok that he has to make a decision on what to do with Cable. Sure, he’s a wanted terrorists, but now he knows he had a damn good reason for doing what he did. He has to decide how he wants to deal with it.

Lucky for Havok, he doesn’t end up having to make his choice immediately. Before he can confront Cable, that elaborate mind-fuck that Hope fucking Summers did to him finally overwhelms his mind and he starts going Carrie White. And Havok might as well have been the one to pour pigs blood all over his prom dress. I want to have some sympathy for Havok since he couldn’t possibly know how much Hope fucking Summers would fuck up Cable’s mind. But I’m too sober and too logical to give him the courtesy. Until he makes a decision that Cyclops wouldn’t have made with much more conviction, he’ll still be that guy that deserved the punch to the jaw he got earlier in this series.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that X-Force had to go up against Earth’s mightiest heroes and X-men, news choppers pick up on the fight. It’s a nice touch that doesn’t often happen in the pages of a comic book. When a bunch of superheroes slug it out on the front lawn of a mansion, that’s not just newsworthy. That’s the kind of shit that Don King would try to sponsor. It also gives a nice reminder that X-Force is still wanted. The Uncanny Avengers are the heroes and they’re the fugitives that blew up a fucking fast food factory. They can’t expect anybody to be rooting for them. It’s an important distinction that every X-Force comic needs to make and this scene does it nicely while continuing to show that X-Force is more overmatched than Betty White in a boxing match with Mike Tyson.

It would have been a fairly predictable match anyways. The stakes only change when Hope fucking Summer finally joins the party, armed with her new jetpack. She basically skips the battle between the Uncanny Avengers and X-Force because fuck X-Force. She couldn’t give a nanogram of shit about anybody who ever helped her if it kept her from confronting her serious daddy issues. But Wolverine, who is still the smart one avoiding the clash while drinking a beer, stops her just long enough for her to explain herself. He just wants a simple reason why he shouldn’t stab her, which is something he has tried to do in the past on more than one occasion. She just tells him that a lot of people will die if she doesn’t get to Cable. That alone isn’t very convincing, but when the mansion starts shaking that seems to do the trick. So with his beer still in hand, Wolverine lets her through, thereby making him the only character in this comic who didn’t fuck up on some level.

The whiney little bitch and unapologetic rip-off character arrives just in time to see Cable’s mind going batshit and she has nobody but her future self to blame. I suppose this could be a metaphor or something about messed up teenage girls that try to resolve their daddy issues and only end up making shit worse in the long run. But it’s Hope fucking Summers. She only seems to make everything worse no matter what she does or where she goes. So I’m not going to lump her together with the teenage girls out there who have real daddy issues. They deserve better while this little bitch doesn’t even deserve a stripper pole at a Mexican brothel.

Again, she tries to come off as sympathetic in her inner monologues. I’m glad they’re actually there because if she just did the shit she was doing without any insight into her thought, drunks like me would just assume she’s doing this because she’s a bitch. I get that Marvel is trying to keep her from becoming too irrelevant now that she’s no longer the mutant messiah and she has basically done what she was supposed to do. But there’s just no redeeming this whiney little bitch at this point.

What she does undo the shit her future self started isn’t going to make her seem any less whiney though. In a quick flashback, Blaquesmith reveals that the fancy battle ax he and her future self gave her is a specially designed tool that takes the excessive psionic energy from Cable’s brain and channels away from activity that involves putting him in chronic pain and destroying mansions. But like buying a cheap Iphone over Ebay, there’s always a catch. In order for it to work, she has to stab him in the fucking forehead. Because it just wouldn’t be in character for Hope fucking Summers to do something that doesn’t look like a dick move on some levels. Granted, it works. It effectively stops Cable’s outburst while unleashing a psionic wave that disrupts the battle between X-Force and the Uncanny Avengers. It doesn’t make it any less a dick move.

The reunion between Cable and Hope isn’t something that would fit into a Hallmark card. In fact, it’s pretty damn underwhelming. There’s no hug. There are few emotions. Granted, these are two battle-hardened soldiers. But Hope fucking Summers has a history of getting so damn emotional about Cable. Yet when she confronts him, she does it with the same attitude that I have when I meet up with my pot dealer. It could have been a big moment, but instead it’s just a scene where they catch their breath. That’s understandable to a point, but since there’s no hint about how this affected the battle going on outside or what it means for Cable’s visions, it’s still lacking.

The last issue to resolve is Havok. He still has to make a decision on what to do with Cable and his team. He could continue being a total dick and have him arrested along with the rest of X-Force, but after seeing what Cable showed him in the previous issue, he’s willing to be a bit more understanding. Captain America probably wouldn’t approve and neither would any DEA agent in the fine states of Colorado and Washington, but it’s his decision and he decides to take a chance. That means not arresting Cable and letting X-Force operate in a way that just doesn’t look good around news choppers. It actually is a decision that Cyclops would probably make, but Havok just seems nicer about it. I still think he’s a douche, but he effectively frees X-Force to keep doing what they’re doing. And now that Cable’s brain isn’t having a Chernobyl style meltdown anymore, they can do what they need to do. It’s satisfying while still missing a few minor details. But since they’re minor, it’s nothing that can’t be overlooked with a few extra joints and a line of blow.

This issue and this arc failed to make Hope fucking Summers any less a puissant little cunt. However, this issue did succeed in one key area. It effectively tied up nearly every loose end while establishing Cable’s new team as the kind of X-men squad that’s willing to get dirtier than the septic tank that feeds into Congress. It wasn’t as clean or detailed as it could have been, but it got the job done and was pretty damn awesome in the process. Hope fucking Summers is still going to be an insufferable bitch, but at the very least this issue didn’t give too many additional reasons to hate her. For that, I give Cable and X-Force #14 an 8 out of 10. So a bratty teenage girl abandons everyone that ever tried to help her, mind-fucked her own adopted father, and still gets rewarded with ice cream? That right there, my friends, is how teenage girls become grown up bitches. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #13

On this blog, I look for ways to combine the joys of reviewing comics with the fun of making dick, poop, and fart jokes. I’m no Seth MacFarlane, but I think there should always be a medium that mixes dick, poop, and fart jokes into the things we hold dear. I’ve always held comic book in high regard and not just because the women are overly sexualized and the men make me feel more inadequate than Mitt Romney’s PR campaigns. I believe comic books have something to offer the human race and I’m here to make sure it’s as fucked up as it is entertaining. So here’s my fucked up take on Cable and X-Force #13. Grab a dick, take a shit, and have a good fart because this comic gave me plenty to work with.

For a book that is supposed to be about an outlaw team of X-men, it has been dealing with a fuckton of magical creatures lately. In the previous issue, Domino and Colossus had to fight off an army of demons while talking about how they were going to go about being regular fuck buddies. In this issue, they meet up with Forge and Dr. Nemesis to fight a giant monster that looks like Cthullu’s dildo. I’m not sure if it’s magic, but in comics I guess it’s always a safe assumption in the same way it’s always a safe assumption that the slut will die a horrible death in a slasher movie. I also think the bitching between Forge and Dr. Nemesis helped. It reminded me of why I didn’t really miss them over the past two issues. It’s not as epic a battle as it could have been, but it continues X-Force’s recent history of fighting of fucked up threats.

Instead of a more detailed battle of how X-Force fights off yet another mystical monster, this issue focuses heavily on Hope fucking Summers dealing with the only thing more annoying than her…another older version of Hope fucking Summers. The previous issue revealed that the future female Stryfe that had been helping Blacquesmith was actually an older Hope fucking Summers. It was somewhat surprising, but only to the extent that a kick in the nuts from a transsexual hooker is surprising. And her reason for pulling her younger self out of the past is even less surprising. Hell, the only thing that Hope fucking Summers could do to surprise me at this point is admit she pleasures herself to old Ted Nugant songs.

Her explanation will make some readers yawn and others just roll their eyes. Apparently, the world went to hell because Cable decided that he had enough fighting and just wanted to sit back, relax, and fall asleep drunk watching Monday Night Football like someone who hasn’t been stuck in apocalyptic futures for most of his life. But him not fighting somehow meant that the world gets fucked worse than the IRS fucked Wesley Snipes. So using Deathlok’s ability to calculate the future, they started fucking with Cable’s mind in the past. Somehow, I think just sending him a letter taped to a brick would have been just as effective. But Hope fucking Summers can’t resist causing people more headaches, or in this case seizures.

Yet Hope fucking Summers has the audacity to claim that causing her adopted father painful seizures is working. Well in this case she might be right. Because as she’s trying to justify this dick move to her younger self, X-Force successfully subdue the giant Cthullu dildo. But it’s not as epic as previous battles. Colossus and Domino don’t even dirty talk with each other. It’s a very subdued battle that ends with Colossus just dive bombing the ugly monster in the head while Boom Boom blows the rest up. The only thing the battle accomplishes is getting X-Force back in one place again where Domino just happens to remember that Cable is still a prisoner of the Uncanny Avengers and probably isn’t too happy about it.

Even though another killer monster shaped like a sex toy is defeated, the younger little bitch is able to see through the older bitch’s ruse. In hearing that her older self chose to fuck with Cable’s brain rather than find a more efficient means of informing him of an apocalyptic future, Hope fucking Summers is actually able to figure it out. She finds out that her older self chose this incredibly invasive method because it meant Cable would not be able to tell her to fuck off anymore. Saving the future wasn’t her goal. She just wanted her adopted daddy to spend time with her. For someone who was supposed to be the mutant messiah, Hope fucking Summers has some incredibly petty issues.

I don’t know if this was supposed to make Hope seem sympathetic. It seems like this series has tried to do that a number of times, but no matter what happens, Hope fucking Summers always comes off as an even bitter little cunt than before. She actually fucks with the brain of her own adopted father just so she can spend more time with him. At no point does she mention the Avengers, the X-men, or the dozens of other superpowered individuals who beat up giant monsters in between snack breaks. Yet somehow it was all because Cable wanted to retire that the world went to hell? It’s as if somehow every one of Marvel’s best heroes became total pussies and it’s not explained in the slightest. I know this book is supposed to focus on Cable and X-Force, but since the Uncanny Avengers have shown up multiple times it’s a pretty gross oversight. It’s like a man finding out on his wedding day that his bride is a donkey with a Hilary Clinton mask. It takes way too much stupid to overlook shit like that.

Cable still doesn’t know that his own adopted daughter is causing him all this pain, but I imagine he has a pretty good idea. The Uncanny Avengers still have him imprisoned at the Avengers Mansion and Havok, who Cable did punch in the jaw back during their first encounter, is tasked with trying to figure out what to do with him. That’s like my ex-girlfriend being my parole officer. Nothing good can come of it. He has another seizure that probably way more painful than any punch to the jaw that Havok ever got. And since Havok and the rest of the Avengers don’t know shit about his crazy visions of the future, they might as well a headless chicken stumbling into a KFC.

Luckily for Havok and his jaw, Cable manages to focus enough to show him his dark visions of the future. The visions are pretty generic. More monsters are rampaging across the city. And for some reason, the Avengers, the X-men, and every other hero in the Marvel universe is too lazy or too hung over to do anything about it. Again, there’s no explanation as to why the same heroes that went toe-to-toe with Thanos and the Phoenix Force couldn’t stop a few rampaging monsters. But it is enough to leave Havok with a solid explanation as to why Cable has to punch him in the jaw.

He then makes a point that makes about a much sense as Sarah Palin’s stance on Russia. He says that rather than informing the most powerful heroes on the planet, the Uncanny Avengers should leave this shit to X-Force. He claims that they can do the kind of dirty shit that nicer, more upstanding heroes can’t be seen doing. He’s basically telling them to let X-Force fuck the ugly hookers so that they can keep the attractive ones can stay employed. It makes no sense. Aside from the incident with the fast food place, when have tactics ever mattered when fighting monsters? I’m pretty sure the public doesn’t mind seeing the Avengers and X-men being extra violent with monsters ravaging a city. So I think Cable is full of shit here and if Havok has any brains that haven’t been punched out of him yet, he would see that.

In the future, Hope fucking Summers would be also be wise to see that fucking with Cable’s mind probably isn’t going to make him any more inclined to spend some quality time with his adopted daughter. Even Blaquesmith tells them that despite their efforts to inform Cable of the future, shit is still getting worse. And not only is it getting worse. It could end up killing Cable. When daddy issues end up with daddy’s brains melting out of his ears, they cease to be issues and become something else entirely that requires potent medications. I don’t think all the anti-psychotics in the world could help Hope fucking Summers at this point. It shows that once again she cared more about working out her daddy issues than she did actually saving the future. It gives me yet more reasons to call her a puissant little cunt, as if I needed any more at this point.

At the very least, Cable is able to convince Havok that his visions are real and the threat is real. Even though his reason for leaving this shit to X-Force makes no fucking sense, Havok still seems perfectly willing to let Cable go so he can do what he needs to do. However, he’s understandably reluctant to just let him walk out the front door and give the finger to Captain America along the way. It just wouldn’t look good for the leader of the Uncanny Avengers if he let prisoners go without a fight. It quickly becomes a moot issue though when X-Force storms the mansion in an effort to rescue Cable. I guess this solves one problem for Havok, but it’ll probably mean he gets punched in the jaw again. So in that sense it’s a win-win.

X-Force may be unwilling cannon fodder for Hope fucking Summers and her daddy issues, but they’re neck deep in the shit right now. Even her older self knows this. So she eventually decides that maybe just fucking with Cable’s brain isn’t going to be enough. She needs to send her younger self back into the past to either fix things or fuck them up even more. She even gives her a weapon. At this point though, I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses that weapon to turn the Statue of Liberty into a giant dildo. That’s how little faith I have in Hope fucking Summers. I’m certainly glad to see X-Force battling the Uncanny Avengers again, but I can do without Hope fucking Summers being an even bigger cunt about it.

I have a soft spot for girls with daddy issues, but a lot of those girls are prone to suggestion and don’t bitch as often when they try kinky shit in bed. And that soft spot has no room for Hope fucking Summers. Only she could turn saving the world from yet another apocalyptic future into just another manifestation of her bitching and moaning about Cable. Even her younger self saw through the bullshit that her older self was feeding her. Saving the world and showing some fucking gratitude to the other heroes that saved her is not even top 10 on her to-do list. She just wants to shoot shit with Cable. While Cable and X-Force #13 didn’t make me hate Hope fucking Summers any less, it finally got Cable involved more and set the stage for yet another clash between X-Force and the Uncanny Avengers. That in and of itself is pretty fucking awesome and if it ends with Havok getting punched in the face again, I’m all for it. I give Cable and X-Force #13 a 6 out of 10. Unless strippers get involved with this series, I think it has enough daddy issues. I’ll be content to just see X-Force kick the Uncanny Avengers’s ass again. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #12

Looking for an insightful assessment of a comic that incorporates legitimate literary criticisms and puts the story into a larger context of modern life? Well I'm sorry to say you're shit out of luck. If you want something written by an overly intellectual douche-bag, go somewhere else. This is a review written by a raving drunk with strong opinions and poor impulse control. So the New Yorker and the Walls Street Journal can kiss my ass because this is my review of Cable and X-Force #12. So unless you're one of those overly intellectual douche-bags, read on and enjoy the uncritical musings of an unsober mind.

The format in this issue is the same as the last issue in that it divides the ink between Cable’s team trying to stop one of his terrible visions of the future and Hope Summers becoming more of a whiney little puissant. It was fun in the last issue because we had two beautiful woman with Domino and Boom Boom having more fun than a hooker and a gallon of lube. Now Colossus gets in on the action. But instead of a car chase, he has to break into the safe in a Swiss bank. Granted, it’s not as thrilling or anywhere near as sexy, but it’s definitely an appropriate use of his skills.

And once again, Domino is the partner in crime with this issue. She’s a busy girl, first dealing with an explosive yet sexy Boom Boom and now dealing with a guy whose bone she jumped a few issues back. She gets around and not just in the way a Las Vegas stripper would with a double shift. She’s the one with the plan and Colossus is the one with the muscle. So together, they bust into the Swiss safe to retrieve what she calls the “Spawning Wellspring.” It sounds like a bad nature film or an awesome porno. It looks like a simple chess piece, but it’s actually a key to unlocking a demonic dimension. And as is often the case with demonic relics, they accidentally activate it and trigger a demon onslaught.

A demon threat alone would be a basic enough plot for this story. But that’s not all that happens here. Colossus, being either a hopeless romantic or starved for pussy during his stint in prison, tries to talk to Domino about their night together. She’s dismissive as Donald Rumsfeld, brushing it off as one of those “the adrenaline made me horny and the batteries on my vibrator died” situations. It’s cold, but it’s very in character for Domino. This woman once boned Wolverine on top of a bed of money. Why? Because she’s horny and because she can. What more could you want in a comic book woman?

On the other side of that coin, what LESS could you want in a comic book woman that hasn’t been demonstrated in Hope fucking Summers to date? Yes, I still hate her fucking guts. And yes, she gives me more reasons to do so in this issue. But it’s not immediately apparent. Sadly, Blaquesmith didn’t take his chance to end her sorry ass in the previous issue and she ended up transported to…you guessed it, ANOTHER apocalyptic future. Seriously, didn’t apocalyptic futures lose their appeal after the last Terminator movie? I guess not because this future involves killer robots, sentinels, and a female version of Stryfe. Hope is obviously confused, but why should she be? Hell, why should anyone be? It’s an apocalyptic future. Does there need to be an explanation? It only helps if Marvel wants that story to actually be good.

A much better story is already unfolding in the past. Colossus and Domino are fighting an army of evil demons, which on its own is only slightly more entertaining than fighting robots in an apocalyptic future. But what makes the battle here a lot more intriguing is that Cable and Domino actually manage to have a serious conversation about their relationship, or lack thereof, while it’s going on. It seems pretty out of place. Talking about relationships while fighting demons is like trying to play dodge ball with bowling balls while doing a crossword puzzle. One activity serious hinders another. Yet there is actually some genuine drama that comes from this chaos.

Colossus seems to want to try something serious with Domino. That must mean the sex with her is really that awesome. But Domino basically brushes it off, saying the sex was fun and all. But the relationships for people in their line of work rarely pan out. And she’s right. She could have referred to Cyclops and Emma Frost, but she doesn’t really need to provide examples when demons are attacking them. She could have just offered to still have sex, but not do much else. Most men spend their whole lives trying to set up an arrangement like that. Colossus is either a total dipshit or a genuine guy that Domino has never dealt with before. I’m leaning towards the former.

But as much fun as this relationship talk is, they still have to give the demon army a higher priority. And yes, I mean a higher priority than Domino’s pussy. This was supposed to be another pit stop in the ongoing mission to prevent Cable’s visions from coming to pass. They may have stepped in a few piles of cow shit by letting the demons out early, but they’re able to effectively wipe off their shoe and kick the ass of the cow. It’s a tough battle that feels more meaningful because of the relationship talk. It’s like a soap opera mixed with professional wrestling. It sounds like it shouldn’t work, but it does.

And the effects of Cable and Domino’s victory over the demon army doesn’t just mean more time to figure out how they’re going to keep boning. Apparently, this demon army that they unleashed somehow contributed to the apocalyptic future with Hope fucking Summers and the boobalicious version of Stryfe. The fight with Hope running from the killer robot demons isn’t all that intriguing. I don’t usually enjoy apocalyptic futures where I root for whatever fucked up the world. But for once, Hope fucking Summer actually becomes part of the story in a way that makes her scenes less frustrating.

By destroying the demon army in the past, they disappear in the future. So Hope fucking Summers gets a quick lesson in the Back to the Future physics of time travel. It may sound simple, but this sort of shit rarely happens in comics. It has only been recently that Marvel has tried to actually show time travel affect the future with Age of Ultron. The effect in this issue isn’t quite as dramatic, but it proves a valid point. X-Force is actually doing more than pissing off Havok and the Avengers. They are saving the future. In other words, suck it Avengers!

Saving the future also makes it easier for Colossus and Domino to finally have a quiet moment. The demons are gone and they’re stuck in a confined area with awkward silence. It would have been less awkward if they just started boning again. But Colossus has to be the romantic and flat out tell Domino that they can make it work beyond just casual fucking. A bigger question for him might be why the fuck would he want to? But that doesn’t stop him from sneaking in a kiss with Domino and effectively getting the ball rolling on what may be either a very volatile or very sexy relationship. Either way, Colossus can finally get his man card back. Anyone who can bone Domino deserves a second chance.

With all this drama and saving the future, it’s almost easy to forget that Cable had been captured by the Uncanny Avengers a few issues back. And we didn’t get even a hint at what was going on with him in the previous issue. Well now we finally catch up again and it makes that punch in the jaw he gave Havok in the first arc all the more justified. Havok is basically interrogating Cable while he’s in a contentment field of sorts. He’s trying to understand why Cable suddenly has an urge to punch him in the jaw and fight the Avengers, not paying attention to the fact that he’s been a cheap imported douche. And Cable, who is still dealing with the kind of seizures you don’t get without watching 10 hours of old anime in a row, tells him that he needs to stop his visions from happening and the Uncanny Avengers are getting in the way.

That still doesn’t explain the mystery of where the fuck these visions came from in the first place. Well at the end of the book, we finally get an answer and another reason to hate Hope fucking Summers. Still in the future, Blaquesmith and lady-Stryfe lead her into some kind of lair. And that’s where they make the big reveal. Lady Stryfe isn’t exactly Stryfe. She’s an older and presumably bitcher Hope fucking Summers. It’s not too surprising, but not too inane either. She basically admits that she’s the one giving Cable the visions because she understands better than anyone that fixing the future requires that she fuck with the past.

Now let’s examine the implications here. Hope fucking Summers is already a whiney little bitch who ditches the X-men after they do everything they can to save her, ditches the Avengers after they try to give her a normal life, and mind-fucks her foster parents after they try to give her a decent home. You would think that this puissant little rip-off character can’t do much worse, but she does here because she now admits that she’s the one fucking with Cable’s head. She’s actually tormenting the one person she claims to care about more than anyone else. Even if she’s doing it to save the future, she doesn’t seem to give a shit that she’s tormenting Cable. I want to say I’m surprised, but I’m either numb to her being such a bitch at this point or I’ve smoked too much weed. Or maybe it’s both.

Hope Summers is still a total bitch and every comic she’s in just keeps adding more reasons. But the chemistry between Domino and Colossus is pretty fucking hot. It’s amazing that this kind of drama can unfold in the midst of a fucking demon attack, but it did. I suspect Marvel is already in the process of patenting this therapy for future use. Plus, it shows that Colossus is finally flexing some balls, something he hasn’t done since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. That along with some beautifully convergent plots that finally start filling in the blanks make this comic a quality and boner-inducing story. Now let the smut fanfiction begin! I give Cable and X-Force #12 a 9 out of 10. It’s quite possibly the best issue in the series to date and if anyone feels otherwise, you’re welcome to challenge me in a drinking contest. Or just because you feel like it. Whichever comes first. Nuff said!