Defending Old School Avenging: Avengers #1

The following is my review of Avengers #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Superhero comics often go through cycles upheavals. There's an accepted status quo that acts as a baseline, of sorts. Then, every once in a while there will be some upheavals that try to shake up the system and introduce new reforms. Some of those reforms stick. Some fail spectacularly. Most just fade into the background. Eventually, though, that familiar status quo returns to maintain the core appeal of a series.

For the Avengers, the traditions established by Thor, Captain America, and Iron Man act as the pillars of Marvel's top-tier heroes. The membership of the team may fluctuate every other week with Wolverine showing up one day while Squirrel Girl shows up another, but the core identity of the Avengers emerges from these three heroes. Every now and then, there's an effort to shake things up by bringing in new characters. No matter who shows up, though, be it a time traveler, a teen prodigy, or a Skrull agent, the Avengers are still built around these three iconic heroes.

In recent years, this core underwent plenty of upheaval with Thor becoming unworthy of Mjolnir, Captain America becoming a Hydra agent, and Tony Stark languishing in a coma. Some of those plots are still controversial and not necessarily for the right reasons. Whatever the controversy, though, it's only ever a matter of time before the Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, and Thor Odinson regain their roles as the Avengers' trinity of heroes.

Jason Aaron, who was behind some of the upheavals, and Ed McGuiness are now tasked with bringing that core back together and moving them forward in Avengers #1. At a time when the Avengers: Infinity War is topping the box office, the stakes are higher than usual for a new Avengers series. There are still lingering scars from the events of Secret Empire and Civil War II. There are also some extenuating circumstances that bring the Avengers together once more.

Despite these strained particulars, though, the stage for is set for the classic core of Avengers to return and Aaron makes good use of it. The events that kept Steve, Tony, and Thor apart aren't ignored. They even acknowledge the sentiment that the world around them is changing, both in terms of world-destroying threats and with respect to the growing diversity among the superhero community. However, even in musing over such changes, this classic trio finds a way to reaffirm that there's still a place for them.

It certainly helps when new threats emerge in the form of dead Celestials falling out of the sky. It's a threat that's not quite as random at it initially seems. This sudden catalyst for such a classic reunion has a basis in the events from Marvel Legacy #1, which introduced the Avengers of 1,000,000 BC. It's a concept that, even within that single issue, hasn't had much impact on anything in the present time to date. Those connections begin to emerge as the Avengers, new and old, begin to assemble.

While it's a refreshing scene, especially to those still recovering from the end of "Avengers: Infinity War," the spectacle is somewhat scattered. Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor are the driving force of the story, but there's also a supporting cast that's caught up in the same plot. That cast includes Black Panther, Dr. Strange, Captain Marvel, She-Hulk, and Ghost Rider. It's a potent mix of heavy hitters and a few emerging stars, but there aren't many opportunities for then to contribute.

They're still in a position to assemble, as Avengers do. Their part in the story, though, is somewhat disconnected from the personal drama going on among Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor. They don't do much to influence the uncertainties that Tony expresses about the future of the Avengers. Those uncertainties are almost as important as the threat of Celestials falling out of the sky, if only because it keeps the story from becoming another generic excuse to get the Avengers to unite.

Avengers #1 doesn't present itself as a simple reunion. Aaron dedicates just as much time discussing the place of the Avengers' old guard in an era where they're shortcomings and vulnerabilities catch up to them more and more. To some extent, their legacy works against them. New threats learn from old threats, adapting and evolving their attacks. They're now at the point where they can make Thor unworthy, turn Captain America into an agent of Hydra, and render Tony Stark comatose.

None of this is lost on the team. At one point, Tony even expresses doubt that he, Steve, and Thor should be the ones to re-assemble the Avengers. That doubt reflects the sentiment that old heroes need to step aside in order for new ones to emerge. It's a sentiment that has fueled a lot of the controversies surrounding these characters, going all the way back to the events of Original Sin.

While the events of Avengers #1 acknowledge that sentiment, it does little to actually address it. Some of that is due to the unavoidable distraction that comes with Celestials showing up out of nowhere, but it still leaves some questions unanswered. The assorted side-plots that put other Avengers in a position to assemble later on do little to help find those answers. One minute, Tony is pondering some important questions that have real implications for the future of the Avengers. The next, he just jumps back into his old role with his fellow Avengers to confront a new threat.

That threat is still intriguing in its own right, thanks to the tie-in with the 1,000,000 BC story line. It also helps that McGuinness' artwork makes it the kind of cosmic spectacle that warrants having these classic heroes take on their iconic poses once more. There are layers to the story and Aaron does plenty to establish the potential for this latest round of upheaval. It even says something about the extent of recent upheavals when it's just refreshing to see classic heroes reunite and feel relatively confident that it's not due to Skrull agents.

Overall, Avengers #1 does plenty to get the Avengers back on track, but doesn't do much to address why they got off track in the first place. There are important conversations to go along with the major events, both in the present and in the distant past. Most of those discussions remain incomplete, but there's still plenty of opportunities to have those discussions, preferably when there aren't dead Celestials lying in in the middle of major cities.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

A Most Worthy Milestone: The Mighty Thor #700

The following is my review of The Mighty Thor #700, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Whenever a comic reaches a major milestone, it seems obligated to do something big, flashy, and groundbreaking. More often than not, that can be more obstacle than opportunity. Obligation or not, these kinds of upheavals in a story cannot and should not be forced. That doesn't stop some from trying, but that also ensures the results will be mixed. That's exactly what makes The Mighty Thor #700 one of the most intriguing milestone issues of the past decade.

There's no need to force anything here. Jason Aaron has all the necessary pieces in place. What began several years ago in the final issue of Original Sin is set to culminate in The Mighty Thor #700. The concept of worthiness is now far beyond tired arguments of whether the Hulk, Superman, or Squirrel Girl can lift Mjolnir. It isn't just some mystical McGuffin meant to frustrate Thor, Odin, and all of Asgard, although it can come off as such.

Aaron often walks a fine line with Thor, one side being controversy and the other being contrivances. Jane Foster being Thor and wielding Mjolnir blurs that line to an extent that still bothers a certain segment of fans. However, even those fans can't deny the dramatic overtones that The Mighty Thor has conjured since Original Sin. It isn't just about a god struggling with unworthiness. It's about a dying mortal woman wielding the power of a god, knowing she's got little time left.

That time is exceedingly limited and The Mighty Thor #700 adds even more urgency for Jane Foster to make every swing of Mjolnir count. She's not the only one either. For a 50-page milestone issue, Aaron goes for broke by getting every corner of Thor's world involved and does so with an all-star cast of artists that includes the likes of Russell Dauterman, Walter Simonson, Oliver Copiel, and many more. That includes the past, present, and potential future of Asgard, Midgard, and everything in between. It's ambitious, but a worthy ambition befitting of any magic hammer.

There's a glut of material that touches on nearly every major player in Thor's world, from another major clash with Malekith to destructive fight with She-Hulk to a brief interlude with Frog Thor. All cards, including a few that haven't been played in a while, are on the table. They're all part of the same gamble to link every part of Thor's world into a singular conflict. That gamble doesn't necessarily hit the jackpot, but it does pay out in a lot of ways.

Despite all the many elements that find their way into The Mighty Thor #700, there are a few major connections to tie them together, some more so than others. Aaron digs deeper into the mythological foundations of Norse Mythology, literally to some extent, by setting the stage in Nornkeep. It gets even more literal as actual threads of fate start weaving various Thor-centered stories across the realms and across time.

These broad, diverse stories give a chance for every artist employed in this milestone issue to maximize their talent. Some utilize different themes, touching on the future of Thor and what lays in store for all those whose lives revolve around magic hammers. Others unfold in the present, which build on threads from previous issues leading up to The Mighty Thor #700. Some are colorful asides that don't add much to the overall plot, but belabor all things Thor in a way that feels necessary in an oversized issue.

This is where some of the ambition ends up overplaying the plot. Even though the connection of each plot has ties to the events in Nornkeep, those connections aren't always clear or concise. Some are so loose that it's hard to make sense of the role they play in the larger narrative. In addition, the scale of that narrative covers so many times, places, and hammer-centered battles that some end up feeling rushed. Even Jane Foster's battle against She-Hulk doesn't get the kind of elaborate smashing that most battles involving Hulk and Thor require.

Even with connections that are weak and rushed, at times, the direction of the story never gets derailed. Even after Frog Thor provides a little comic relief, the destination of each plot becomes clear. The conflict that begins in Nornkeep is set to spread through every realm, involving the likes of Maliketh, Loki, War Thor, and any number of divine forces that have been hit by Mjolnir one time too many. In that sense, the ambition serves to make The Mighty Thor #700 feel as epic as it needs to.

The worth of any milestone issue is measured in its ability to encompass the past, present, and future of a story. Given the size and scope of the story Aaron tells, The Mighty Thor #700 checks all the necessary boxes. There's a general sense, as well as a major teaser at one point, that the future of Thor is poised for upheaval. Jane Foster's battle with Hulks, gods, monsters, and cancer is about to culminate. Odinson is about to confront his agonizing unworthiness. Frog Thor is going to wade through some puddles. Everyone in Thor's world is poised to have their moment.

Ultimately, that's the most important aspect of any milestone issue. It should act like a catalyst and not an endpoint. It doesn't have to be a full-blown movie trailer, complete with heavy voice-overs and messy editing. It just has to make the journey thus far feel meaningful while making the journey ahead that much more appealing.

It may not have the loud explosions, coupled with heavy metal music, but The Mighty Thor #700 is plenty appealing in all the right ways. Worthiness may still be a hopelessly esoteric concept that fans will be arguing over on message boards for another 700 issues, but this one proves its worth, as only a Thor comic can.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Past, Present, and Perspective: Marvel Legacy #1

The following is my review of Marvel Legacy #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Building a legacy is a long, tedious process that usually involves twice as many mistakes than it does successes. In some cases, a half-century of world-building is hardly enough to forge the kind of legacy that stands the test of time, changing writers, and retcons. For Marvel and the extensive world that continues to unfold after over 50 years of continuity, it's safe to say that its legacy has proven its worth. The world that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created decades ago is worth an entire workshop of Mjolnirs.

The legacy of the Marvel universe is often in flux with the times. There are all sorts of eras that vacillate from grim and dark to upbeat and optimistic. Events like Onslaught, Age of Apocalypse, and Civil War define and redefine what the world of Marvel stands for. Sometimes it takes years to appreciate way in which these events shaped Marvel's legacy. That will likely be the case with Marvel's latest legacy-shaping event, Secret Empire.

Being an event so controversial, coming at a time when all things related to fascism inspire Hulk-level outrage, the current legacy of Marvel is in a tenuous position. It's at one of those forks where it can either go down a dark, dire path or re-invent itself in a new, more positive light. These are uncertain times for Marvel and Marvel Legacy #1 is in a position to shape a new path, provide a sense of certainty, and showcase the strengths of top-level writing and artistic talent.

Jason Aaron, one of Marvel's top writers, and an all-star team of artists that include Esad Ribic, Russell Dauterman, Stuart Immonen, Ed McGuinness, and many more, have a chance to use Marvel Legacy #1 as a gateway towards the future of the Marvel universe. With so much talent to work with, the scope and scale of the story can be nothing short of awe-inspiring. While that bar may be impossibly high, Aaron and his all-star cast of artists come very close to matching and exciting it.

The structure of Marvel Legacy #1 is both fitting and overdue in that it revisits elements from Secret Wars that have been absent for years, namely those of the Richard family. In a sense, their presence acts as a reminder regarding what the greater Marvel universe is missing. To date, Marvel operates in a world where the Fantastic Four are no more, Thor is unworthy, the X-men's leadership is dead or time-displaced, and Steve Rogers is a secret Hydra agent. To say that legacy is on shaky ground is like saying the Hulk is moody.

Aaron doesn't try to fix all that in the span of a single issue. However, the story in Marvel Legacy #1 does establish links to the past, present, and future. It doesn't just provide hope that the missing elements of Marvel's legacy will return. It provides a potential mechanism. It doesn't just offer promises. It offers solutions that don't involve time machines, retcons, or deals with Mephisto.

The links to the past offer the most intriguing and complete part of the plot in that it establishes a period in the history of the Marvel universe that has major implications for the present. It takes familiar faces and forces like the Phoenix Force, the Iron Fist, and the spirit of the Black Panther and personifies them in a battle against a Celestial. That added personality gives greater weight to the events that unfold in the present.

Those events are a little less cohesive, though. Marvel Legacy #1 is understandably ambitious, attempting to jump around into multiple areas and explore a wide variety of elements throughout the greater Marvel universe. It touches on the Avengers, the X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the remaining members of the Fantastic Four. It even tries to deal with the lingering aftermath of Secret Empire, from Steve Rogers' efforts to rebuild his credibility to the disillusion of SHIELD. There are so many elements to explore that the narrative gets downright erratic at times.


There's only so much Marvel Legacy #1 can address, but it manages to avoid Deadpool-level eccentricity. While the transitions from setting to setting aren't all that seamless, they never feel totally random or out-of-place. If anything, they feel like a succession of teaser trailers that offer glimpses into the near and distant future of the Marvel universe. Some are more subtle than others. Others, namely the ones involving Norman Osborn and Loki, offer a more overt hint. Certain characters, despite being actual gods, just aren't capable of such subtlety.

Beyond just the teaser elements, though, Marvel Legacy #1 adds some significant upheavals to the mix, namely by revealing the return of a certain grumpy Canadian that helped make Hugh Jackman a star. His appearance comes off as sudden, but it also comes with purpose. It feels like part of a larger story that's just beginning to unfold. In many respects, that's the core theme of the entire story. It doesn't just lay the foundation. It provides some very specific, very compelling building materials.

That's not to say every element is equally compelling. Some are underdeveloped and overlooked. Some aren't effectively linked to the larger narrative, but they still have a place in the greater legacy of Marvel so their presence never feels too random. That, in many respects, is the most revealing accomplishment of Marvel Legacy #1. It crafts a story in which everything feels connected on some level. While some connections are stronger than others, it still conveys the sense that Marvel has a vision and that vision is worth exploring.

While the Marvel universe seems to get redefined at least once a month, it's rare for a story to feel as large in scope as it's trying to be. Marvel Legacy #1 succeeds in conveying that feeling. From those disillusioned by Marvel's recent direction and enamored by its past, it offers something to latch onto. The fact it does all that without a time machine, clones, or magic spells makes it all the more astounding.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Hammering Hard With Worthy Themes: Generations Unworthy Thor & The Mighty Thor #1

The following is my review of Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of who is truly worthy is Marvel's ultimate philosophical McGuffin. It's one of those ideas that can be endlessly debated, argued, twisted, and misconstrued in any number of ways. It's also a major driving force for Thor in nearly every era. From Walter Simonson to Jason Aaron, his struggle to be worthy, stay worthy, and understand what makes him worthy is part of what makes Thor's story compelling.

In terms of major turning points in that story, few are as pivotal as the events that played out in Original Sin. In that story, Thor becomes unworthy with just three words whispered by Nick Fury. It doesn't just upend Thor's idea of worthiness and the story around it. It opens the door for a new Thor with a new understanding of what it means to be worthy.

This is where Jane Foster's story enters the picture and that story is built on a very different foundation. She is not a god, a demigod, or anyone who would ever be mistaken as one. She is a moral woman who also happens to be suffering from one of the most debilitating diseases any mortal can endure. Her ascension to the title of Thor is one of the most significant shifts in Thor's story in decades. There are times when it breathes new life into the world of Thor. There are other times when it triggers incessant whining about identity politics. The fact that Jason Aaron manages to balance that narrative in any capacity is nothing short of astounding.

Now, through Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, Aaron has a chance to build bridges between that vast philosophical gulf between one era of worthiness and another. It may not end the constant whining about female heroes taking on the mantle of male heroes, but it does flesh out the core elements of the Thor mythos that are as relevant today as they are in the ancient times before angry arguments on internet message boards.

Unlike some of the previous narratives in Marvel Generations, there are clearer connections between the events in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 and the conclusion of Secret Empire. Those connections are few and somewhat vague, but their presence helps create an important context between the past and present. Jane Foster isn't so much the catalyst as she is the unexpected guest, who helps bring clarity to the hopelessly unclear concept of worthiness.

While her role in the story cannot change the path of Odinson, it can provide guidance. Granted, it's a guidance he will undermine with his arrogance on many occasions in the future, but it still offers clarity to the narrative while giving Odinson fewer excuses. In a sense, what happens in the story gives the impression that he was destined to lose Mjolnir at some point, even without any devious whispers of Nick Fury. It's just an inevitable consequence of the arrogance that comes with being Thor and with being a god, in general.

The substance of that story isn't very novel in that it builds on a story that has been explored before in the pages of Uncanny Avengers. Once again, the son of Odin clashes with Apocalypse in an era before the Avengers can assemble and before the X-men can astonish. It's basic and crude, but it provides the necessary setting for the arrogant young Asgardian to learn a lesson or two about divinity and mortality.

The fact he learns it from a mortal woman wielding the hammer he craves provides both personality and entertainment value. It'll also provide more fodder for internet debates, but that doesn't derail the main thrust of the story. It's the setting that's vital here in that it takes place in a time before Odinson first lifted Mjolnir or taken the title of Thor. In this time, he's still the divine equivalent of a teenager who hasn't gotten his driver's license yet, but still wants to take his father's car out for a joyride.

While it annoys Odin to no end, it puts the future Thor in a position to ditch some boring formal gathering of gods to pick a fight on Midgard between Vikings and Apocalypse's Clan Akkaba. Given that formal gathering prohibits mead and mostly involves Odin bellowing orders, it's hard to blame a juvenile Odinson for ditching it.

It's only when he meets a time-displaced Jane Foster that his casual deviance becomes an important learning experience for both of them. The fact that experience also involves an elaborate, violent, lightning-filled battle against Apocalypse that brings out the best in Mahmud Asrar's art is a nice bonus. It just isn't a very memorable experience for any generation of Thor if there isn't some epic battle to fight.

That fight, as entertaining as it is, remains secondary for the most part. The primary struggle still revolves around Odinson's desire to be worthy and Jane Foster's lingering uncertainty about her future. It's a struggle that both characters have a stake in, but one that has limited influence on both characters. While Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 makes the necessary effort to explore those classic themes of worthiness that is so critical to Thor's mythos, the extent to which it impacts the characters involved is somewhat minor.

This is an issue that shows up in previous issues of Marvel Generations, but a limited impact doesn't mean there can't be heavy drama. The potential for that drama is there in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, but not much of it is realized. Jane Foster and the future Thor do get a moment to interact outside of a major battle, but little comes of it. Both still gain critical insight, though. Both are in a better position to make decisions about the course of their immortal and mortal lives alike. It's not dramatic, but it does make the overall story feel complete.

That story even includes a few bonus parts that make Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 a prelude to other critical events in the past and future. It offers intrigue beyond the basic lessons in worthiness, which is something that previous issues of Marvel Generations has not done. It adds value to a story that can only offer so much before it undermines the hopelessly convoluted, ever-evolving timeline that is the Marvel universe. That value may not make anyone inherently worthy of lifting Mjolnir, but it will put them on the right track.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Sci-Fi Cast Away: Star Wars #33

The following is my review of Star Wars #33, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In terms of a modern mythos, complete with philosophical, psychological, and cos-playing implications, Star Wars is the standard by which all others are measured. Few other sagas, from Marvel's ever-evolving continuity of reboots and retcons to multiple eras of Star Trek, even come close. It manages to be both incredibly expansive, yet remarkably concise. It's themes, emotions, and drama create a perfect blend that gives it a special place in popular culture.

Given the sheer breadth and scope of Star Wars, it's easy to forget that there are various parts that remain unexplored. Ever since Disney and Marvel began expanding some of those unexplored areas, new elements of that mythos are emerging. Given the iconic status that Star Wars has for generations of fans, it's a careful balancing act. There are only so many ways that Star Wars can be expanded without undermining the larger narrative. Even an iconic mythos cannot withstand the force of too many Jar Jars.

Jason Aaron manages that balancing act better than most, taking full advantage of the gap between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back to flesh out elements of Star Wars that never get a chance on a movie screen. One element that never gets much development is the relationship between Luke and Leia. Even without knowing their secret sibling connection, so much of the drama is centered around Leia's constant clashes with Han. It's easy to forget that her story is closely tied to Luke. Aaron, with the artistic talents of Salvador Larroca, use Star Wars #33 as an opportunity to explore that story.

The setup is simple, if not unremarkable by Star Wars standards. Luke and Leia get stranded on a planet that's mostly water and dotted with a few small islands. The circumstances are fairly generic in that it's not part of some larger story arc. It's just another case of a routine mission going horribly wrong, which seems to happen at least once a week for the Rebellion. There's nothing about it that rattles the continuity of the original trilogy. It's basically the sci-fi equivalent of Cast Away, but with more sea monsters and fewer volley balls.

This bland, but simple setup does serve an important purpose though. It puts Luke and Leia in a position where they have to work together and rely on each other to survive. They know they can survive an onslaught of storm troopers and escaping the Death Star. They've even shown they can survive working with Han Solo for more than two weeks and survive. However, their strength is often defined by their ability to be part of a team. They're rarely in a situation where they can only rely on each other.

It makes for some compelling moments, exploring some of the inner struggles within both characters. It's easy to forget between blowing up the Death Star and falling in love with a smuggler that Luke and Leia are still processing some major upheavals. A part of Luke still sees himself as a farm boy and a part of Leia still sees herself as a princess, complete with all the ceremonial formalities. What stands out in Star Wars #33 is just how uneasy they both feel with their previous roles.

There's a distinct sense that being a farm boy never sat well with Luke. Leia shows a similar sentiment. She reveals that at one point, she ran away to escape some of the formalities that come with being a princess. While this puts her at odds with most traditional Disney princesses, it reveals an important element to both characters.

On some levels, they sense that their situations in life aren't right. They sense that they're meant for something else. Aaron gives the impression that the Force is somehow letting them know that their story is tied with that of Darth Vader and the legacy of Anikan Skywalker. They don't know this, given the story's place in the existing Star Wars timeline. However, they do feel it. If it is a manifestation of the Force, then Yoda himself would be proud.

Beyond the personal exploration, there's also some reflection on recent events, relative to the outcome of A New Hope. Leia is still mourning the destruction of Alderan. The emotions don't get too heavy, though. Leia comes off as more hardened than most princesses. She's no Cinderella, but she's no Elsa either. If she ever broke into song, it wouldn't be very uplifting.

These moments of personal insight and inner character struggles are the highlight of Star Wars #33. While they succeed at providing greater insight into Luke and Leia, as characters, the rest of the narrative falls somewhat flat. Their struggles for survival on the island never create much strain. At most, they only ever seem inconvenienced by their situation. There's never any despair, anguish, or strain. Despite one of them being a princess and the other being a farm boy, their outlook on the situation is remarkably dispassionate.

There are some elements that keep the story from becoming too much like Cast Away. They eventually find out that the planet isn't as desolate as they think. That helps put them in a position to escape and even make a few new allies. However, that story is lacking in terms of detail and insight. It comes off as just a simple, convenient way to get Luke and Leia off the planet before readers can start making incest jokes.

There's nothing about the story in Star Wars #33 that feels out of place, out of character, or inconsistent with the larger mythos. Even if parts of the story lack details, it never comes off as flawed or incomplete. The primary strength of the narrative is the deeper exploration of Luke and Leia, as characters.

When all is said and done, they both come off as more complex characters, which can only give greater weight to the iconic narrative that is Star Wars. While that won't stop some fans from cracking incest jokes about Luke and Leia, Star Wars #33 will give them a greater appreciation for who they are as characters. Anyone hoping for more than that, though, is asking too much of the Force.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Worth Within Unworthiness: The Unworthy Thor #1

The following is my review of The Unworthy Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Discussions over who is worthy and what constitutes worthiness in the first place is one of those topics that has consumed generations of Avengers fans. Go to any Avengers message board or comic book convention and chances are, there will be some people arguing what it means to be worthy, why Hulk can't lift Thor's hammer, and how someone could get around this rule.

This discussion even found its way into Avengers: Age of Ultron in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It's clear that even Joss Whedon gets caught up in these discussions. He just has the resources and financial backing to turn it into a billion-dollar cinematic spectacle. Jason Aaron doesn't have those kinds of resources, but he did add a twist to the discussion when he made Thor Odinson unworthy to wield Mjolnir after the events of Original Sin.

That twist led to Jane Foster taking up the mantle of Thor. Her story is still one that is evolving in a way that continues the discussion over worthiness down a new path. However, Thor Odinson remains on a very different path and that's the path that The Unworthy Thor #1 explores. It has the feel of a story that's been brewing behind the scenes, but is only now ready to be served. It still feels late, overdue, and a little frustrating.

Despite this, it never feels stale. At a time when Jane Foster is flexing her worthiness like Namor at a beach, that's a remarkable accomplishment. Since becoming unworthy in Original Sin, Odinson carries himself less like a champion of Asgard and more like a whiny teenager who had his cell phone taken away. Aaron makes it a point to abandon that sentiment early, giving us an Odinson that is much more motivated and much less mopey.

The Unworthy Thor #1 puts Odinson right in the middle of brutal battle against the kinds of monsters he used to tear through on a boring Sunday afternoon. It doesn't just hit the ground running in terms of action, giving Oliver Copiel ample opportunity to create appropriately brutal visuals. It establishes that this former God of Thunder is learning the hard way what it means to be unworthy. He can't rely on his hammer or any enchanted weapon to carry him through a battle. He has to take a gut punches and blows to the jaw before he can think about the celebratory mead.

It's not just that he's unworthy of wielding Mjolnir. He's a weaker, more jaded Odinson who doesn't have the same power or ability he once did. He's already lost one of his arms. This means he has to fight that much harder to avoid losing more limbs. It helps bring out a different side of his character, one devoid of the nobility, poise, and bravado that once defined him. He actually resorts to biting his enemies now. That's as unworthy as it gets in battle.

Odinson definitely wields more drive and ambition. He's still not the same Thor that Chris Hemsworth did so much to bring to life in the movies, but we do see traces of that proud warrior throughout the narrative. That narrative isn't just restricted to brutal fighting with occasional biting either. Jason Aaron shifts the sequence of events around to add further context and this context actually goes a long way towards giving weight to the brutality.

Since Jane Foster picked up Mjolnir, the events of Original Sin and Secret Wars have been afterthoughts at best. There's just too much of an imperative to show why Jane Foster is so worthy of wielding the title of Thor. That's entirely understandable. It still leaves Odinson with little to work with.

By revisiting the site where he became unworthy, Aaron sets up an appropriate reunion between him and the new Watcher, who calls himself the Unseen. We still know him as Nick Fury, namely the one David Hasselhoff failed to turn into a viable movie franchise, but that only makes this connection all the more fitting. By having him be the one that gives Odinson a chance at being worthy again, it feels like an overdue continuation of the aftermath of Original Sin. Again, it's a story that feels late and overdue, but it never comes off as stale.

This sentiment helps make The Unworthy Thor #1 feel relevant in that it gives Odinson some badly-needed development that he hasn't gotten since he lost his hammer. It also makes this narrative feel somewhat disconnected and not just because Jane Foster is literally stealing his thunder. It feels like this story took too long to set up. Events like Original Sin and Secret Wars have been over for a while now. Reconnecting with those events at this point feel outdated.

Even if the timing is off, the narrative is still compelling. Jason Aaron still gives us a side of Odinson that is genuine and sincere. This is a character who lost a lot more than his favorite weapon. He lost a title and an identity. Now, he finally has the motivation and opportunity to follow a new path. This path doesn't require those same discussions of worthiness that make for such great fodder in the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. It's uncharted territory for Odinson, but he's forging ahead and it's hard not to root for him.

Overall, The Unworthy Thor #1 creates a narrative that has the right impact. It gives us a former God of Thunder who has to fight harder and cope with being weaker than he's ever been before. It brings out some of his less noble traits, but he still carries himself like a warrior. He gets a chance to become more worthy and he jumps at that chance, if only to ensure he doesn't have to bite his enemies anymore.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Dark Side Die Hard: Star Wars Vader Down #1

The following is my review of Star Wars: Vader Down #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It's the common theme that made Die Hard a successful movie franchise. It spawned a generation of sequels, rip-offs, and parodies, all of which failed to rekindle Sylvester Stallone's career. But it's a theme that still has undeniable appeal, a lone warrior surrounded by enemies having to fight their way out. It's Captain America trapped behind enemy lines surrounded by Nazis. It's Superman trapped in a subterranean cave surrounded by kryptonite-powered cyborgs. It's a classic underdog story in the mold of the Karate Kid and the Mighty Ducks, albeit with more guns and explosions.

But what happens when this classic setup is turned inside out and upside-down? What if it's the Red Skull who's behind enemy lines, surrounded by Captain America's friends? What if it's Lex Luthor trapped in the Fortress of Solitude, surrounded by cyborg Supermen? Does the story still have the same appeal? It's like rooting for the axe murderer in a slasher movie. It tests an audiences sensibilities in uncomfortable ways not seen outside a Marilyn Manson concert. And those are the exact sensibilities that Star Wars Vader Down #1 appeals to.

This isn't the hero escaping the villain. It's the villain escaping the hero. It's not the rebels beating the Empire against overwhelming odds. It's the Empire outwitting the rebels, snatching away a tantalizing sliver of hope. Like cheering for Ivan Drago in a Rocky movie, it sounds like one of those things we shouldn't enjoy. But it's that inverted nature which plays out in Star Wars Vader Down #1 that makes the story uniquely appealing.

It's a story that unfolds seamlessly from recent events in the Star Wars and Darth Vader comic series. However, neither of these books are required reading. Even if Star Wars: A New Hope is the only Star Wars movie you ever saw, you won't be lost at any point. You might be confused by the presence of a homicidal version of C-3PO in Triple-0, but in a good way.

The story feels organic in that it follows Darth Vader's pursuit of Luke Skywalker. He knows he's the one who destroyed the Death Star. He also knows Luke is his son. So he's more than a little motivated to hunt him down and kill anyone or anything that gets in his way, as one would expect of a Sith Lord. However, like diving into a mosh pit at a Metallic concert unprepared, this level of motivation leads Darth Vader into a situation much deadlier than most mosh pits.

Our decidedly unheroic Sith Lord arrives at Vorgas Vas where his secret ally/fangirl, Aphra, says Luke Skywalker has been holding up. It's a setting that has the same feel as a graveyard in a slasher movie in that it's a fitting location for everything to go horribly wrong. There aren't any promiscuous teenagers, but there are plenty of X-wings and space battles. For Star Wars fans, this is every bit as appealing.

Mike Deodato's art really shines here. It's not the Battle of Hoth, but it has the same intense feel. It's dark, detailed, and destructive, the three D's of every successful space battle. Darth Vader, making every character in Top Gun look like rookie, makes the Rebels pay a high price for getting in his way. Even though he's completely surrounded and has no Imperial support, he doesn't retreat or evade the danger. He shoots at it. If he could do it with a smile, he probably could. But being Darth Vader, he doesn't need to.

It's Darth Vader's utter tenacity and his cold attitude that makes him worth rooting for. It's not like rooting for the New England Patriots after another cheating scandal. It's a testament to just how powerful and dangerous Darth Vader really is. Throw an entire squadron of X-wings at him? Go ahead. Send a whole battalion to the planet? Do it. None of that matters. Darth Vader will still make it feel like an unfair fight and he doesn't need a rousing speech from Mel Gibson to rise to the occasion.

While Darth Vader's imposing tenacity is the main driving force of the story, the rest of the classic Star Wars cast play critical roles as well. Fittingly enough, it's Luke who delivers the shot that downs Darth Vader while the rest of his squadron act as glorified target practice. Princess Leia and Han Solo get involved as well once word gets out that the Rebels have a chance to take down Darth Vader. With the destruction of Alderan still fresh in Leia's memory, it's a given that she's every bit as motivated as Vader. It once again shows that being excessively motivated runs deep in the Skywalker family.

At no point does the pace slow down. At no point does the danger stop escalating. Even after Darth Vader crashes on Vorgas Vas, he keeps fighting. The Rebels have X-wings, troops, and tanks. Darth Vader has only a light sabre. And yet it still feels as fair a fight as anyone can hope to have against Darth Vader. In many respects, that is the greatest accomplishment of Star Wars Vader Down #1. It doesn't just invert every major Die Hard theme. It puts Darth Vader in a position where he has to show just how menacing he is.

There are times when you'll feel inclined to root for the rebels. There are times when you'll feel inclined to root for Darth Vader. But it never feels conflicted or forced. This isn't a matter of rooting for Jason Vorhees or against a virgin teenage girl. This is just a different kind of epic Star Wars battle. It might not involve a Death Star, but it feels every bit as epic and won't be decided by some obscure design flaw.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #9

Every iconic romance is kind of like a twisted form of porno. But instead of sex and nudity, it’s full of these crazy passions that are about as unrealistic as Jenna Jameson taking it up the ass from a pizza delivery boy. And like porno, it’s because it’s so unrealistic that it’s appealing. And it’s for that very reason that the romance between Han Solo and Princess Leia is so refreshing, even over three decades later.

There was no instant attraction with these two. In fact, they hated each other’s guts when they first met. It was a long, strange process that took them from hating each other to bumping uglies. It involved carbonite, exploding battle stations, and chain mail bikinis. But we already know how it ended for Han and Leia. They do eventually have their moment at the end of Return of the Jedi. However, Marvel has decided to make the journey to that moment a bit more difficult and fucked up.

Enter Sana Solo, who claims to be the wife of Han Solo. She entered the picture in Star Wars #8 and for pretty much that entire issue, Han kept denying it. We don’t know if this was just some drunken romp in whatever the galaxy’s equivalent of Las Vegas is or if Sana is one of those creepy stalkers that only Justin Bieber fans can understand. Well, Sana is making it exceedingly difficult to rely on a restraining order because she basically get the Empire to get Leia out of the picture. Now, in Star Wars #9, this rather fucked up complication in the eventual romance of Han Solo and Princess Leia takes another turn. It’s a complication that fans of both romance and porno can appreciate.

But fucked up romance isn’t the only plot of this story. There’s something else for those who are less interested in swapping body fluids and more interested in watching Luke Skywalker navigate Nar Shaddaa, a planet-sized version of Mos Eisley. So yeah, there’s something for everyone. Rather than fighting an ex-wife, Luke is just fighting to get his light sabre back after some thief in a bar swiped it. Is it as tense as fighting with a pissed off ex-wife? No. But it’s the basis of nearly every James Bond movie ever made so it’s still awesome.

Luke shows in his pursuit of this thief that he’s not so much a Jedi at this point as he is a reckless space redneck from a desert planet. And this thief just stole the equivalent of a redneck’s truck so of course he’s going to chase him down in the most reckless way possible. Reckless or not, he still succeeds. He manages to catch up to the thief before he can get on a ship. Sure, he ends up doing some property damage and falling into a pile of garbage. But he saved his light sabre. I think that’s more than worth sacrificing a little dignity, hygiene, and self-preservation.

Moreover, it’s a nice reminder that this Luke Skywalker is nowhere close to being the Luke Skywalker who defeats Darth Vader. Sure, he can use the Force to help him destroy the Death Star. But he’s still a long ways away from being a legendary Jedi and that’s how it should be at this point. A big part of what made Luke Skywalker an iconic character was the process he went through to become a Jedi. Right now, he’s at a part in the process that lands him in piles of garbage. I think that’s as fitting a context as any.

While Luke did get his light sabre back from the thief, he did find out he’s more screwed than he previously thought. What kind of thief would be crazy enough to steal a light sabre anyways when it would surely attract the attention of the Darth Vaders of the galaxy? Well, how about someone hired by Grakkus the Hutt? And yes, these are the same huts that enjoy extorting smugglers and putting women in chain bikinis. This one in particular is interested in Luke’s light sabre. So yeah, Luke is just that fucked at this early stage of his Jedi training.

As much fun as it is to see Luke obsess over retrieving his light sabre, I’m sure there are way more people interested in the bonerific love life of Han Solo. He probably hates his penis right now because his ex-wife called the Imperials on his future wife to collect the bounty on her head. That’s more than enough reasons for Leia to add another lock onto her panties. It’s all part of an elaborate plan for Sana to collect the bounty and get Han back, presumably so they can start making Solo babies or consolidating their debt with the Hutts.

There’s just one major problem with that plan. Han is also wanted by the Empire. Shooting at Darth Vader’s tie-fighter and helping someone destroy the Death Star will do that. Apparently, Sana didn’t get the memo, which effectively derails her plan because the Imperials start shooting at him as much as they shoot at Leia. Naturally, Leia fights back, probably by picturing Han’s face underneath those helmets.

But it now forces Sana to help them both. If she gives enough of a fuck about Han to marry him and piss off his future wife, then she cares enough to get him away from the Imperials. It’s a coherent yet hilarious twist of fate, one that forces Han to be stuck in close quarters with Leia and Sana. And honestly, who wouldn’t want more of that at this point? Two pissed off women and a man dumb enough to try and bone both of them? That might make for shitty reality shows, but it makes for awesome Star Wars comics.

The tension for Han and Leia couldn’t be worse right now. While Han’s dick probably hates him, I imagine Luke hates the Hutts almost as much at this point. One ruled his home planet with an iron fist and bikini-clad women. Now one wants to take his light sabre. He’s got plenty of motivation to tell him to fuck off like the piss-stained snail that he is. But again, this is not the same Luke Skywalker who can take on Darth Vader. This is a Luke Skywalker who will still get his ass kicked. He can beat Stormtroopers, but advanced droids paid for by a Hutt with enough money for bikini-clad women? That’s more of a challenge. And while he makes a noble effort, he still loses.

But when Luke wakes up, he’s not in a prison cell or in the digestive tract of a Sarlac. He’s not in a metal bikini either. He’s still a prisoner, but Grakkus the Hutt reveals he’s a different kind of Hutt. Sure, he’ll send thieves and thugs to fuck with people, but he actually has a different reason for doing so other than to find more women to put in bikinis.

It turns out he’s a collector of Jedi artifacts, so much so that he’s gathered everything that remains of the Jedi temple. Grakkus still freely admits that he enjoys the company of bounty hunters, smugglers, and corrupt bureaucrats as any other Hutts. However, he’s got more sophisticated tastes. That alone makes him more likable than any Hutt in the galaxy. But don’t add him to any Christmas list just yet. He still proves that he honors the Hutt tradition of being ruthless assholes.

The whole reason he hired someone to steal Luke’s light sabre was to lure him to his collection. That collection includes a holocron, something that any Star Wars fan who endured the prequels can recognize. It can only be opened by a Jedi and since the Hutts repel the Force like a nun from a gay bar, he needs Luke to open it. And he’s not willing to ask politely either.

It puts Luke in a difficult position. Either open the holocron or get shot. And he still hasn’t passed Jedi 101 yet so he’s not even sure he can do it. But as inexperienced as he is at this point, he still destroyed the Death Star. That more than qualifies him to open a fucking holocron. And that’s exactly what he does. He succeeds in opening not just one but every holocron in Grakkus’ collection. He gets his first real look at Jedi relics and records. It’s not complete. None of them contain a warning about how his father is kind of an asshole. But it’s a nice feat that shows this is the same guy who is destined to beat Darth Vader.

But despite this success, Grakkus is hardly content with Luke’s contributions. He’s still a Hutt and it’s been more than 10 minutes since he screwed someone over. I imagine that’s like me going a month without booze. While he doesn’t threaten to put Luke in a bikini, he makes it clear that Luke is now his prison bitch. And he intends to find other ways to make money off the last remaining Jedi. It’s cruel and sadistic, yes. But it’s also a smart business decision. If people come far and wide just to see a few baby pandas, how much do you think those same people would pay to see the last Jedi?

So Luke is still pretty screwed at the moment. Han, Leia, and Sana are slightly less screwed. They’re on the run, being chased and shot at by Imperials. For Han and Leia, that’s basically Tuesday. For Sana, I’m sure that’s the kind of shit she usually goes out of her way to avoid. None-the-less, they are able to avoid getting shot down. And the two women even manage to tell Han to shut the fuck up. At this point, I’m certain Han’s scrotum has collapsed on itself.

While there’s plenty of tension and danger, not much else is added to it. The story with Han, Leia, and Sana really doesn’t move forward all that much. It’s just the Imperials show up and they have to run. That’s about it. There’s no further insight into who Sana is and how she ended up married to Han Solo. Granted, they don’t have much time to chat because Imperials are shooting at them, but there’s not much else that happens here other than making Han feel more awkward.

There might be nothing more that can be done with that plot until the Imperials stop shooting, but there’s still plenty that can be done with Luke. He’s not in a position to do much as a prisoner of a Hutt. However, he still has R2-D2 with him and R2 tends to find a way to help his master when he’s done too good a job of screwing himself over. This time is no exception. He gets a distress signal out to the Rebel fleet. While they claim they can spare no resources to save one kid from a Hutt, they do leave the door open for volunteers. But who would possibly volunteer to go a planet of smugglers to rescue just one guy? Who could possibly be daring/crazy/ballsy enough?

Enter Chewbacca. That’s right all you Furry fetish folks. Chewbacca happens to not be doing anything at the moment. And since I doubt he wants to be around Han when he’s bickering with his ex-wife and future wife, why not kick some ass on a planet of thugs and save Luke in the process? Hell, that’s probably Chewy’s idea of a fun Saturday night.

Well I think it’s safe to say now that both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are having a pretty typical Monday. Get chased by the Imperials? Check. Get caught up in crime syndicate run by the Hutts? Check. Unlock ominous secrets of the Jedi? Check. Stay stuck between an ex-wife and future wife? Okay, that’s not on the list, but it damn well ought to be. Every element in this story fits perfectly within the greater Star Wars mythos. It doesn’t try to do anything too crazy. It doesn’t introduce any Gungans. It doesn’t try to make Hayden Christiansen likable. It just sticks to what makes Star Wars awesome.

As a result, this issue is awesome. It effectively continues the ongoing plot involving Luke and Han Solo. Granted, it doesn’t move the plot forward a great deal, but it never becomes chaotic or contrived. It remains consistent in every important area and in an era where little consistency exists outside of a Big Mac, that counts for a lot. There’s still not much that is going to blow anybody’s minds or soil anybody’s panties, but it’s still as fun as a Star Wars comic can be. I give Star Wars #9 an 9 out of 10. But if anything can lead to brain stains and wet panties, it’s throwing a Wookie with a blaster into the mix. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #8

With the kids going back to school soon, I imagine everyone is having nightmares about their least favorite classes. I’m sure even healthy adults still endure horrible cold sweats when remembering calculus exams. For Star Wars fans, there are certain parts of the prequels that induce the equivalent of 10 calculus exams. Mediglorians, Gungans, and Hayden Christiansen come to mind. Granted, the inclusion of Yoda, Natalie Portman, and pod racing more than made up for it, but it’s still one of those darker eras in an otherwise iconic mythos. And since Marvel’s new Star Wars series is exploring stories in ways that don’t require bringing Peter Mayhew out of retirement, it’s only a matter of time before some of those stories are revisited.

The previous issue proved that revisiting these eras can be pretty damn awesome. It can actually remind us that Obi Wan Kanobi was once more than just Anakin’s shitty babysitter. Now, Luke, Leia, and Han have other pressing conflicts that may or may not require them to visit these dark areas that many Star Wars fans wish they could forget with the Jedi Mind Trick. Star Wars #8 acts as the bridge that will expand these conflicts. One involves learning more about the history of the Jedi. Another involves Han Solo’s ex-wife. Honestly, I think Han Solo would prefer a prostate exam by a Sarlac, but it’s still way more interesting than another Gungan War.

If Star Wars had Jerry Springer, this would be a classic episode that would rank right up there with midget strippers. Han and Leia were already on a mission to a planet in the Outer Rim that looks like a set for an Elton John concert. Then, before Han can do anything to make Leia loosen the lock she has on her panties, his “wife” shows up. I put “wife” in quotes because if I had a spider-sense that responded only to crazy psycho bitches, it would be going haywire right now.

Her name is Sana. She has an ass that’s basically on the same level as Leia, but she carries herself like the kind of woman who keeps a jar of men’s testicles under her mattress. Han, clearly looking around for Jerry Springer, is probably wishing he kept his balls in a carbonite safe. She hints that this planet was the site of an epic, sci-fi honeymoon that could’ve easily spawned three more Hangover movies. But still, even my penis is wary about this woman.

The awkwardness and tension here is just too entertaining. Like every Jerry Springer fight that involves strippers and midgets, it’s impossible not to laugh. First, Sana kisses Han. Then, she slaps him. I’m not sure if that’s love or foreplay. It might be a mix of both for her. Leia is understandably confused and more than a little pissed. I imagine she’s adding extra locks to her panties at this point.

When Han finally manages to get a word or two in, he claims this woman is not his wife. She’s only his wife in the same sense that N’Sync fans claimed to be Justin Timberlake’s wife. It’s a strange, but intriguing situation. That or Han just had a really shitty divorce lawyer. And while Leia is plenty inclined to put a few light years of distance between herself and Han, Sana reveals something else about herself aside from being Mrs. Solo. She’s a bounty hunter and as it just so happens, the Empire still has a big fucking price on her head. So she gets a chance to screw over her husband and make a lot of money. For crazy psycho bitches, that’s like Christmas and a birthday all rolled into one.

The tension here keeps escalating and so does the yelling. Even Jerry Springer would stop them at this point. Sana continues making some pretty bold claims that would make Leia rip off his dick and throw it into the nearest black hole. Sana claims that Han likes to run con jobs where he seduces rich princesses and cons them out of rewards. Leia, having seen how much Han loves money, isn’t too inclined to reject this. It’s one of those arguments that makes sense, even if it is coming from a crazy psycho bitch. It’s why Ann Colter is a best-selling author.

Han, to his credit, tries to explain himself. I doubt Leia will respond in any way that doesn’t involve a kick in the balls. But Sana saves her the trouble by revealing that she could give two squats from a Sarlac’s ass about any con Han is running. She’s not just there to make Han wish he were being devoured by a Sarlac. She’s there because she intends to deliver Leia to the Imperials. In fact, she’s already got a deal in the works and she blows up their transport ship for good measure. Why? I’m guessing this might also count as foreplay for her, but she just might be that big a bitch.

There’s a lot of entertainment value to watching Han, Leia, and Mrs. Han Solo fight and argue. But there’s another plot unfolding in another part of the galaxy. It’s not nearly as entertaining as a galactic version of a hillbilly feud, but it still follows an ongoing story that has been unfolding for a few issues.

Luke, having retrieved Obi Wan’s dairy from Tattooine, is on a new mission now. He didn’t get what he wanted from that dairy other than proof that Obi Wan wasn’t always just a strange old man who occasionally talked like he was on LSD. But he’s still determined to learn more about the Jedi. To do that, he’s going to travel to Nar Shaddaa. What is Nar Shaddaa? Picture the worst parts of Somilia, Afghanistan, and downtown Detroit. Then, turn that into a planet. That’s Nar Shaddaa.

Why does Luke want to go here? Well, he’s searching for more information about the Jedi. Since the Empire gave the Jedi the Tony Soprano treatment, they can’t exactly live in the civilized parts of the galaxy. So that means traveling to the underground butthole of the galaxy. It’s a fucked up kind of logic, but it’s still logical none-the-less.

Following this logic, Luke makes his way into the seediest bar he can find that doesn’t involve alien crackheads. But just like we saw in A New Hope, Luke sucks Wookie dick when it comes to dealing with seedy bars. He could barely handle himself at Mos Eisley without Obi Wan as his wing man. So it’s laughably predictable when he starts getting his ass kicked. They don’t even have the courtesy to let him get drunk. It’s pretty pathetic, but it shows just how inexperienced Luke is at this point. He’s nowhere near the kind of Jedi who can go up against Darth Vader. That said, it’s still as entertaining as any bar fight can be without strippers.

Then, at one point in the battle, Luke breaks out his light sabre. This forces everyone in the bar to sober up much faster than they probably would’ve preferred. They’ll happily beat the shit out of anyone who stumbles into their bar looking like they just got off the bus from Montana. But if he breaks out a light sabre, then that’s cause for concern, even among these assholes.

Once sober, the bartender gives Luke at least some of the information he’s looking for. He says that if he wants to learn more about the Jedi, he needs to go to the temple on Coruscant. I’ll give those who hated The Phantom Menace a moment to cringe. The bartender even offers to smuggle him there since the Imperial still have a standing kill-every-Jedi-and-piss-on-their-corpses order. The problem is, he wants the light sabre as payment. Luke understandably refuses and just like that, these assholes are back to kicking his ass.

But before another galactic bar fight can break out, some mysterious guy/girl/alien of ambiguous gender enters the picture. Like a mystery guest in a bad spy movie, this cloaked figure kicks any lingering bit of sobriety in the balls by stealing Luke’s lightsabre. This mystery figure even seems to use the Force or something similar. Does that mean there are more Jedi that survived the order? More that could warrant shitty prequels? We can only speculate because the details are lacking. All we know is that someone is interested in Luke’s pursuit of all things Jedi and if they’re not trying to kill him, they might be worth talking to. The lack of details are a bit troubling, but it still makes for an awesome bar fight and I’m okay with any fight that doesn’t involve me getting my eye-socket punched in.

Bar fights are fun and all, but I imagine most are more interested in learning about Han’s psycho-bitch/wife. She still has Leia and Han at gunpoint and she’s negotiating with a Star Destroyer in orbit, hoping to collect on that big ass bounty. Leia is still understandably pissed and Han is doing his best to salvage what’s left of his balls. At first, he attempts to try sweet-talking Sana. It’s not an unreasonable approach. Hell, he got her to marry him. He must know something about loosening a woman’s panties, even if that woman is a crazy psycho bitch.

However, Leia isn’t willing to place that much faith in Han’s panty-loosening skills. She opts to just kick Han in the ass, pull out a blaster she had hidden in her boot, and hold them at gunpoint. Whereas most princesses would resort to whining to her daddy or calling on her knights, she sticks to blasters. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, she’s making it clear she’s not like those other whiney princesses. I can’t help but respect that and be turned on by it.

Leia doesn’t just point that blaster at Sana either. She lets Han know that she’s done putting locks on her panties. Now, she’s more inclined to shoot him rather than deal with any more of his bullshit. There may or may not be a reasonable explanation, but she’s not taking any chances. The problem is Sana didn’t leave much room to negotiate in her deal with the Empire. They’re already on their way and regardless of the bounty, they still want her head. She can be as pissed as she wants at Han. It’s still not going to protect her from the Empire. Sana made sure of that because she’s just that big a bitch. If she admitted at this point she pleasured herself when she found out Alderan had been destroyed, I wouldn’t be shocked.

At this point, I think two things are clear. One, Luke Skywalker sucks at dealing with smugglers and criminals. Second, Han Solo is the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch in the galaxy right now. Usually, when a series diverts into two unrelated stories, it tends to fuck up the narrative. It’s like having a sandwich that’s half bacon and half kale. One part may be awesome, but the other part keeps that sandwich from being a complete kind of awesome. However, on rare occasions, both stories turn out to be awesome. In that case, it becomes a sandwich that’s half bacon and half chocolate. Both are inherently awesome on their own. Put them together and they’re extra awesome.

I can’t say both stories are on an equal level. As much as I loved watching Han Solo’s balls retreat into his rectum, not a whole lot happened with him, Sana, and Leia until the end. The tension was great, but it took a while to make something of it. For those of us who read comics stoned, that counts for something. The plot with Luke was much more concise. It captures that naïve innocence that made Luke so lovable in A New Hope and so jaded in Return of the Jedi. There’s a lot to like about both stories, even if they lack that special ball-busting impact. They both have all the elements that make Star Wars so awesome and so absurdly profitable for George Lucas. I give Star Wars #8 an 7 out of 10. If at this point someone told Han that he’s going to get frozen in carbonite, I’d think he’d prefer the carbonite. Hell, most men in his position would dive in head first and give the ex-wife the finger just for good measure. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #7

How do you make something that’s already awesome even more awesome? It may sound daunting, but it’s the good kind of daunting. Bacon itself is already pretty awesome, but I imagine it only took a few joints or a dull Saturday afternoon for someone to figure out that dipping it in chocolate made it even better. And if that can be done with bacon, why not with Star Wars? Since Disney decided to splurge like Donald Trump at a hair salon, they’ve put Star Wars into the chocolate fountain that is Marvel Comics and attempted to make it awesome in a way that used to only be possible with cocaine and Quaaludes. So far, their effort has been a booming success.

The new Star Wars series under Jason Aaron and John Cassaday has captured everything we love about these movies, minus the incest overtones. It helps fill that virgin gap between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back like a gold-encrusted dildo. We get to see these characters evolve into the icons they’re destined to become and Wookies shoot Stormtroopers along the way. Anyone who can’t enjoy that on some levels needs to check the dosage on their meds. This ongoing orgy of classic sci-fi awesome continues in Star Wars #7, but with a character that some probably feel was explored a bit too much in recent times. Yes, I’m talking about Obi Wan Kanobi, the third most annoying part of the prequels after Jar Jar and Hayden Christiansen. But I’m willing to smoke an extra joint, forget how disappointing those movies were, and give this comic a chance to make him awesome again.

Obi Wan is certainly in just the right place to have an opportunity to be awesome. Tatooine is a lot like the Somalia of the Star Wars universe. It’s a lawless butthole of a planet with few resources except for an abundance of blood-thirsty warlords and criminals. On top of that, this story takes place at a time when he’s still trying to get used to the idea of being one of the last Jedi left. I imagine it takes a long fucking time to get over the kind of butthurt caused by having Emperor Palpatine slaughter the entire Jedi Order. In this context, having a good day usually means not wanting to do the swan dive into a tank of Jack Daniels.

It’s established early on that Obi Wan is living in one of the shittier parts of this armpit of a planet. Jabba the Hutt, most likely low on bikini-clad slave women, decides to impose a water tax on the Tatooine’s residents. And when some poor farmer doesn’t want to pay because he’s not a big fan of dying of thirst, Jabba’s thugs kick his ass and all Obi Wan can do is watch. He’s not a Jedi or a keeper of the peace anymore. He’s supposed to be dead with the rest of the Jedi. It pisses him off and this is beautifully conveyed with John Cassaday’s art. It almost makes me want to do the swan dive into a tank of Jack Daniels.

That’s the main theme of the overall story, Obi Wan struggling to live life as a recluse. Keep in mind, he was once a badass general who fought on the front lines of the Clone Wars. He used to spend his days slicing through droids with a light saber and telling Count Dookoo to kiss his ass. Now he’s just a hermit on a shitty planet full of shittier criminals. He actually makes fighting droid armies sound more appealing.

It’s a more human side of Obi Wan. Too many Star Wars fans know him only as the uptight asshat who failed to train Anakin Skywalker and the wannabe sage who tried to help Luke, only to get himself killed in the process. We never get to see him process just how shitty a turn his life took after the Clone Wars. It’s something that we needed to see, if only to stop telling him he’s a lousy teacher.

We get a glimpse of how he spends his days on Tatooine. He doesn’t fight thugs or aid rebels. He just keeps to himself, occasionally gets supplies at a market, and spends most of his time in some run down hut trying to forget the last three Star Wars movies. It’s a pretty shitty way to live, even by Tatooine standards. Nobody would blame him in the slightest if he started mixing cocaine and Scotch. However, he does have activities other than brooding.

While Obi Wan still has to cope with being the second biggest loser of the Clone Wars after Jar Jar, she still has a mission of sorts to keep him from developing a drinking problem. He’s supposed to watch and protect a young Luke Skywalker who has no idea what a douche-bag his father turned out to be. There’s some nice internal monologue here where Obi Wan’s sorrow becomes more apparent. He wants to train Luke. He wants to make it so he’s not the last Jedi in the galaxy. And who can blame him? It would be a slight middle finger to the Emperor.

However, he still remembers what happened the last time he trained a Skywalker. Creating one Darth Vader is enough. James Earl Jones can only push that legendary voice of his so much. It’s a powerful moment and one that actually makes Obi Wan more likable, something there wasn’t nearly enough of over the course of three big budget prequels.

He can’t train Luke, but he can still protect him indirectly as only a skilled Jedi can. When the same thugs from earlier arrive to try and collect Jabba’s bullshit water tax from the Skywalkers, he just pulls a quick Jedi mind trick and sends them on their way. It’s not a spectacle. It’s not exciting. But it works. It averts a conflict before it turns into another galactic shit storm. If only that sort of thing worked in real life. There would be a Victoria’s Secret and a McDonald’s in Tehran tomorrow.

There’s more inner monologue that documents Obi Wan’s lament. He talks about dealing with Jabba’s thugs. He also mentions how they’re collecting this tax in the middle of a drought. And on a desert planet, that’s like akin to a giant “fuck you and your poor ass” tax. Even Jeb Bush wouldn’t support that shit. He has to protect Luke in this environment. It might have been easier if he had been asked to clean up every strip club in New Orleans after Mardi Gras. It’s a tough gig, but his options are limited so long as Emperor Palpatine’s “Kill Every Jedi On Sight” policy remains in place.

He still tries his best to deal with being a nobody. It’s something no Jedi trains for. It’s not like he can go ask Vanilla Ice for advice or anything. It’s not terribly exciting, but it does offer some important insight into Obi Wan. We see him trying to cope and trying to carve out a living on this galactic shithole of a planet. But there are still times when that Jedi itch needs scratching.

At one point Jabba’s thugs show up again and by now, everybody reading this wants these guys to get a light saber up the ass. They still demand that everyone pay their water tax, even in a drought. This is the IRS from Ron Paul’s worst nightmare basically. Again, Obi Wan has to stop them in a very subtle, very unspectacular way. He uses the Force to break their weapons, which doesn’t really stop them. But it keeps him out of sight and he can go back to his hut feeling less shitty about himself. It’s not a total win, but it’s better than nothing.

It’s still pretty unsatisfying for Obi Wan. Just harassing thugs instead of impaling them where they stand doesn’t sit well with him. It’s not the kind of noble restraint that the Jedi Order preached. However, like Bristol Palin doing abstinence lectures, he can only restrain himself for so long.

One night, Luke wanders off because he’s a kid. Kids tend to wander off and not think much of it. They do it for the same reason they pick their butts, eat their boogers, and ask why a drunk can’t keep his pants on. It’s annoying, but it’s normal. It worries his Aunt and Uncle, but guess who finds him first? Nobody in the galaxy should be surprised when it’s Jabba’s thugs who just happen to be passing by. They probably see little kids as target practice.

Like most kids who like to put on pajamas and pretend their ninjas, Luke says he’s not afraid of these guys. Obviously, his Aunt and Uncle haven’t told him about taxes yet. If so, he would’ve shit himself already. He might as well be a wounded kitten in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s kitchen. Once again, Obi Wan has to step in, but he has to do it indirectly. It’s still not as fun as cutting up an army of droids with a light sabre, but it still gets the job done.

With help from the Force and basic physics, Obi Wan finally has an excuse to ditch the noble restraint bullshit and give these thugs the ass-kicking they’ve done way too much to deserve. It’s not very well-organized and it’s a bit chaotic. All anyone needs to know is Obi Wan channels his inner Jean Grey, minus the part where he destroys a planet, and takes these assholes out. Luke falls on his ass at some point. Again, he’s a fucking kid. Falling on his ass might as well be a required subject in kindergarten.

When all is said and done, the thugs are womprat food and Luke is safe. It may seem like a glorified street fight, but it’s still pretty damn satisfying. After these thugs went through the trouble of making themselves the least likable criminals since the Neo Nazis in Breaking Bad, watching them get their asses kicked was fun even if it had to happen in an indirect way.

In some ways, it works because it shows that Obi Wan can resist the urge to solve problems with his light sabre. That’s something Anakin never quite mastered and it cost him more than Hayden Christiansen’s good looks. It helps him protect Luke without him even knowing he’s being protected. It’s a far more effective method for protecting children than teaching them that Stranger Danger bullshit. It may work for Ralph Wiggum, but not for Luke Skywalker.

It leads to a nice moment where Luke’s Aunt and Uncle find him, not knowing at all that Luke just got a lesson in how big an asshole a tax collector could be. They don’t even meet up with Obi Wan. As far as they’re concerned, Luke just wandered off, got bored, and fell asleep as kids are one to do. It’s a nice moment and one that culminates with Obi Wan putting away his light sabre. It’s another powerful moment that shows he’s serious about staying out of sight and not being the Jedi that got lucky enough to avoid being wiped out. It also effectively sets the tone for the kind of guy he becomes in A New Hope. Except this time, he’s more likable than some snarky old man with the emotional range George Takei.

This story offers a nice insight into a time in the life of Obi Wan Kanobi that isn’t well known. It ends up being an important time because it shows that’s he’s way more likable than a few lackluster movies would have us believe. But it actually offers even more than that. This story wasn’t just part of some random flashback. It came from Luke finding Obi Wan’s old journal back on Tatooine a few issues ago. So this story was basically read through Luke’s eyes. It adds even more weight to the moment, making it even more satisfying. I still would’ve liked to see Jabba’s thugs get a light sabre up the ass, but this is a nice consolation prize.

Now I know there’s a certain segment of Star Wars fans who will never get over the prequels failing to live up to the originals. These same fans will let that hatred prevent them from ever caring about Obi Wan Kanobi’s story because the last time they cared, they got Jar Jar Binks and Hayden Christensen. I can understand that perspective to some extent, but that doesn’t make it any less petty. to use those movies as an excuse to thumb your nose at a story like this one isn’t a mark of sophistication. It’s a mark of being a douche-bag and there are enough of those in the galaxy.

This issue follows the same themes that this series has so skillfully established. It explores some of the unexplored territory in the vast Star Wars universe and does so in an nerdgasmically awesome way. For those fans who aren’t douche-bags, this will make you love Obi Wan Kanobi again. It’s a story that shows him as a broken, lonely, exile from a war where he and every other Jedi in the galaxy got pwned. But despite these struggles, he’s still a Jedi and he’s still capable of being awesome. It may be light on action and details at times, but it’s still more intrigue than Obi Wan ever got from the prequels. I give Star Wars #7 an 8 out of 10. This comic won’t make the prequels any better. It won’t make anyone forget about Jar Jar either. But it puts Obi Wan in a position to do more than whine about Anakin Skywalker and that should appeal to any Star Wars fan in this day and age. Nuff said!

Thor's Identity REVEALED! **SPOILERS***

Every now and then, I come across a spoiler I just have to share. And this is one that I think definitely warrants an extra bottle of whiskey, but for a good reason. Tomorrow, Thor #8 comes out and this issue promises to reveal the identity of the new lady Thor. But since we live in the internet age where a dick pick from any public figure becomes a scandal within an hour, it's impossible to keep that shit a secret. So of course it's going to leak.

Now I could go on a number of drunken rants about the new Thor, but it wouldn't be a very long one. This is one of those rare occasions where I really can't get drunk enough to give Marvel shit for this. They didn't do what they did with Spider-Man in Ultimate. They didn't kill off the original and replace him. Instead, Marvel kept the original Thor alive and had him develop on a different path. That left the title of Thor free for someone else to develop. That means this new Thor could grow on her own and establish herself on her own path. What a concept, right? Well now we know who she is and fuck, they got it right.

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That's right! It's Jane Foster! That's right, the woman that Natalie Portman made smart, sexy, and awesome is the new Thor. Whoever can get drunk enough to bitch about this is probably in need of a liver transplant by the time I finish typing this sentence. It couldn't be a more worthy selection. For the past few years now, Jane Foster has become somewhat of an afterthought in Odinson's story. She's been sick with cancer and hasn't been able to do much. As Thor, she can make the most of the time she has left. How can that be anything other than awesome? It's like the ultimate Make a Wish Foundation request. Before cancer claims her, she's going to kick as much ass as she can. That by default makes her more worthy to wield Thor's hammer than anyone.

It also opens the door to another tantalizing possibility. Thor 3 is still in the works. Could this be a prelude? Could this mean that Jane Foster might don the hammer and we'll get to see Natalie Portman decked out as Thor? I can dream and so can my penis. I'm hoping the penises of all those involved in Thor 3 are on the same page. There may be many butt-hurt fans still bitching about what happened with Black Widow in Avengers: Age of Ultron. But all will be forgiven if they can make Natalie Portman the new Thor. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #3

There are some winning formulas that just work under any circumstances. There’s peanut butter and jelly, beer and buffalo wings, or pussy and weed. It’s simple and it can be crude, but why the fuck does it matter? It still works. Star Wars was revolutionary for its time, but it still followed a winning formula. That formula just got more awesome when aliens, Death Stars, and sexy women in metal bikinis were added to the mix. It doesn’t need to be radically altered. It just needs to stick with what works.

That’s exactly what Marvel’s new Star Wars series has done. It doesn’t try to make senate hearings more interesting. It doesn’t try to create goofy characters that are annoying as fuck. It just puts Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie in another clash with the Empire. And it fucking works. It picks up where Episode IV left off and maintains a raging space boner every step of the way. It’s led to light saber battles, an AT-AT hijacking, and prisoner rescues. At this point, my erection can only get so hard. If I have to call a doctor after Star Wars #3, I’m okay with that. A winning formula is just that worth it.

The potency of that formula is beautifully demonstrated, like using napalm to cook a plate of bacon. Han and Leia have jacked an AT-AT to lay waste to an Imperial base. Luke jacked a land speeder so he could ride around and use Storm Troopers as target practice. And at some point, they found time to free a bunch of imperial slave prisoners. Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is there to make sure it’s not too easy for them. This situation basically has everything. There’s auto theft, liberating slaves, and a pissed off Darth Vader. Seriously, there couldn’t be more going on without Leia giving Jabba the Hut a lap dance.

As fun as it is to fuck up an Imperial base, Hank and Leia understand they need to get the fuck off the planet. Like a house party that’s about to get raided by the cops, they have to be content with the damage they’ve already done. The problem is that they left C3PO in charge of protecting the Millennium Falcon. That’s like having a sick puppy guard a bunch of sleeping chickens against a pack of hungry wolves. C3PO has a lot of charming qualities. Fighting a bunch of scavengers trying to rip the Millennium Falcon apart ain’t one of them.

Lucky for him, fighting is one of Chewbacca’s greatest strengths in addition to making furry enthusiasts really horny. Despite being on the wrong end of one of Darth Vader’s attacks earlier, he survived and roughed up the scavengers before C3PO could further reinforce his reputation as a robot pussy. It’s very satisfying. Chewbacca is like Groot with a blaster and he’s more huggable. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, I imagine that counts for a lot.

That’s one problem solved, but Han and Leia still have plenty others that are more pressing. An AT-AT might be a badass Imperial weapon, but it’s a big fucking target and the Imperial have a lot of guns. Plus, they’re in the middle of a fucking weapons factory. Like trying to rob a gun store, they’re playing with a stacked deck. Luke is learning that the hard way too, but he’s in something that’s way more maneuverable than an AT-AT. The problem is he’s also in a fucking weapon’s factory. That means the Storm Troopers have land speeders too. The only advantage he has going for him is that Storm Troopers crash in weapons factories as easily as they do on Endor.

The action is intense and well-paced. The tension of the situation is beautifully vivid. It’s not the same climactic battle scene against the Death Star, but it isn’t intended to be. This is about the Rebels trying to kick the Empire when it’s down. So far, they’re doing a hell of a job and looking pretty damn awesome while doing it. This is the kind of epic space battles that made Star Wars awesome and George Lucas filthy fucking rich. Whether it’s 1977 or 2015, it’s awesome.

Han and Leia might have some big guns on their side with an AT-AT. But big guns don’t mean jack shit when the other side has Darth fucking Vader. He’s still pissed about the Rebels and in dire need of avenging the destruction of the Death Star. Since the Imperials are taking too long with their fancy weapons, Darth Vader decides to do it himself. They’ve got an AT-AT. He’s got a light sabre and the Force. Sounds like a fair fight.

And Darth Vader usually wins those fair fights in ways that don’t seem fair. He already found out that the Imperials were useful for something in that they stopped the meltdown of the factory’s core. That means the Rebels’ attack will amount to no more than a few puke stains on a frat house wall, which is way better than burning the whole fucking house down. He tells Chewy that they’re in deep shit and they need the Millennium Falcon. They’ll probably need more than that because Vader is able to clip one of the legs of the AT-AT, proving once again that the Imperials have a strange fetish for building weaknesses into their badass weapons.

It makes for another obscenely badass moment for Darth Vader. An entire army of Storm Troopers armed with tanks and cannons couldn’t bring down an AT-AT. But Darth Vader, armed only with a light sabre and a complete disregard for Imperial property, is able to take it down. This is not the same Anakin Skywalker that was utterly pussified in the prequels. This isn’t even the same Darth Vader that tried to get his son to join him. This is just a badass Sith Lord looking to fuck up his enemies as only a badass Sith Lord can do. He couldn’t have re-established his badassery any better without choking a Gungan.

The destruction of the AT-AT puts Han, Leia, and the slaves they freed at a huge disadvantage. They’re all forced to dust themselves off, get out of the wrecked vehicle, and outrun a pissed off Darth Vader with an army of Storm Troopers at his back. It’s a day that couldn’t be made worse without a visit from the IRS. Darth Vader even makes clear that there will be no prisoners this time. They’re overstocked on body bags and they’re looking to fill them with Rebels.

Luke manages to finally catch up before Darth Vader gets there. He’s able to give Han and Leia some room to escape while he takes one last shot at condemning the Imperial’s little frat house. Leia is against it, but Luke doesn’t listen. I guess he hasn’t been with Disney long enough to respect a princess’ authority. So he decides to go after the core. The problem is Darth Vader senses this and decides to go after him as well. It’s still not as bad as being chased by the IRS, but it’s right up there.

Another epic chase follows, carrying many of the same elements as the epic Death Star run. Darth Vader is chasing Luke, who is on his own to deliver the killing blow. Vader tries to shoot him down while he tries to stay on course. It might not be on the same scale, but fuck if it doesn’t exude the same awesome. There’s plenty of shooting, plenty of destruction, and plenty of Imperial assholes getting caught in the crossfire. So it has something for everyone to enjoy.

Even with Darth Vader jacking a ship and trying to shoot him down, Luke manages to get to the core and take it out with the land speeder. He doesn’t need to use the Force this time. He just needs to have a reckless disregard for Imperial property. That in and of itself doesn’t make it a great feat. What makes this feat truly meaningful is that he leaves the exploding facility feeling saddened, thinking he isn’t the Jedi his father was. Keep in mind, he still doesn’t know his father was a badass Jedi who ended up becoming a Sith Lord. As far as he’s concerned, he just pissed away an opportunity to honor his memory. That shit means something. It’s like pissing away an opportunity to make out with a hot cheerleader at a party. It’s something a lot of men end up regretting.

While blowing up the factory officially made the mission a success, they still need to get their asses off the planet and out of Imperial territory. And they have to do it in a Millennium Falcon that C3PO let a bunch of scavengers fuck up. Luke manages to meet up with Han, Leia, and the prisoners on the ship. They then take off just in time to confront a fleet of Star Destroyers. Since they don’t have any other weapons to hijack, they decide to make a run for it. They’re content with the damage they’ve done for one day and make the jump to light speed. Leia even manages to bust Han’s balls a bit because that shit hasn’t gotten old yet.

So the Rebels escape, but Darth Vader survives once again. In fact, he barely has a scratch. Compared to blowing up the Death Star, blowing a factory counts only as a minor rectal itch. But beyond the destruction, Darth Vader comes to an important conclusion that will later play out in the Empire Strikes Back. He figures out that Luke is the last hope for the rebellion and Obi Wan was trying to protect him. It’s an important realization and one that will eventually cost him and Luke a hand. It also helps give even more meaning to a conflict that has had so much.

So Han, Luke, Leia, and the rebels win the day. They freed a bunch of Imperial slaves, blew up one of their factories, and survived an encounter with Darth Vader. By rebel standards, it’s the equivalent of winning a football game and then having a three-way with a couple of cheerleaders afterwards. It’s still bittersweet for Luke, who is a long ways away from being the last hope of the rebellion. But he’s still a rookie. Even Peyton Manning sucked as a rookie.

But his whining isn’t just typical self-pity. While this battle is over, another conflict is already unfolding back on Luke’s home planet. And it involves the now-abandoned house of Obi-Wan Kanobi. Not much is revealed, but after the epic struggle that just transpired I’m not sure my heart or my penis could take anymore. It sets up some interesting possibilities. I’ll need to catch my breath for them, but I think it’s safe to say this was a good day for a galaxy that needed it.

Let me just say this because it needs to be said. To all the bitter Star Wars fans who still can’t get over the fact they actually paid to see Attack of the Clones that didn’t like this story on principle...fuck off. I get that the Star Wars brand took a Jar Jar sized shit as a result of the prequels. I really do. But that didn’t destroy the brand entirely. More than anything else, this issue re-established everything that makes Star Wars awesome. In addition, it added something meaningful to the mythos by exploring this underdeveloped period in the saga. And it turned out to be very meaningful.

Han and Leia are still a long ways from bumping uglies, but that spark of chemistry still showed. Luke is still a long ways away from being the Jedi that beat Darth Vader, despite losing a hand. But he showed that he’s still on that righteous path. And Darth Vader shows that he can still kick ass on a galactic scale. It doesn’t matter if someone saw the first movie 10 times back in the 1970s or just bought the whole set on Blu-Ray. This issue gives everyone a reason to squee like Ron Swanson at a bacon-eating contest. It’s the rebels battling the Empire while C-3PO acts like a pussy. It’s Luke Skywalker fighting Darth Vader on his path to becoming a Jedi. Star Wars fans, this is as good as it gets without Leia in a chain bikini. Embrace it. I give Star Wars #3 a 10 out of 10 and my highest recommendation. The Force truly is strong with this one. It brings tears to my eyes and various other fluids from my dick, but in the best possible way. Nuff said!