Empires, Ambitions, and Atrocities: Star Wars #38

The following is my review of Star Wars #38, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When it comes to evil empires, Star Wars sets the bar high and the scope even higher. It's one thing to subjugate a kingdom, continent, or planet. It's quite another to conquer an entire galaxy. Even someone as bad as King Joffrey from Game of Thrones can only inflict so much evil. It says a lot about Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, and the Empire, as a whole, when that evil is so far-reaching that blowing up a planet is no more ambitious than Joffrey cutting out someone's tongue.

At times, however, the evil of the Empire becomes an afterthought in order to focus on the story surrounding Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia. While the original trilogy and the much-maligned prequels do plenty to explore the cruel nature of the Empire, few outside the ruins of Alderan can appreciate how bad it can get for those living under its thumb. It's important for the overall Star Wars mythos to belabor why the Empire is evil in the first place. That makes seeing the Death Star blow up all the more satisfying.

This is where Kieron Gillen and Salvador Larroca come in. Having made various contributions to Marvel's line of Star Wars comics, they enter a mythos far, far away that is rarely short of drama, dread, and droids. At times, the narrative lacks direction, but Gillen and Larroca have already made numerous contributions through Darth Vader and Dr. Aphra. Star Wars #38 offers them a chance to contribute to the bigger picture and leave a more indelible mark on the galaxy. Having to do that without the aid of another Death Star is always a challenge.

The Force is on Gillen's side, though, because the Empire's atrocities don't stop at just blowing up planets. Like many other evil empires, it also goes out of its way to plunder the places they've destroyed. While there are many real-world parallels of evil empires that plunder, going back to the days of the pyramids, not even the most blood-thirsty ruler could do so on the scale of the Empire.

That's what brings Luke, Han, Chewy, and Princess Leia to Jedha, a planet that the Empire partially destroyed, but not out of mercy. The planet happens to be a rich source of kyber crystals, a mineral that the Empire values. That means they can only partially destroy it, but that still means blowing a huge chunk of the planet away. For the Empire, that's the most mercy it'll ever show. This says a lot about how they operate and why blowing up multiple incarnations of the Death Star is so cathartic.

There's nothing that big for the Rebels to destroy in Star Wars #38, but there's still a chance to frustrate the Empire. That's an opportunity that Luke and his friends rarely pass up. That also involves teaming up with the residents of Jedha, which include someone named Chulco Gi, a name that sounds custom-made for the world of Star Wars. His story and the way it ties into that of the Rebels further expands on the evil of the Empire because that can never be too belabored.

It isn't enough that the Empire partially destroyed Jedha, just to get its resources. It also isn't enough that it displaced a huge chunk of its population and did so with the kind of overkill that's akin to swatting a fly with a bazooka. The people of Jedha have their own culture, customs, and religion. Gi is a pious adherent of that religion. However, the Empire just blows that up like they do everything else that gets in their way. Whether it's a planet, a people, or a culture, they deal with it by destroying it. When they have weapons that blow up planets, it's just easier than diplomacy.

This sort of callous approach leaves plenty of scars, even on Gi. He, like Luke to some extent, believes that all the suffering and loss has a greater destiny in mind. So much of the Star Wars mythos is built around fulfilling or fighting destiny. The atrocities of the Empire just raise the stakes even more, which helps give greater weight to the struggle in Star Wars #38.

That struggle has more moving parts than simply sending Storm Troopers and Imperial Droids to shoot things. Gillen also takes some time to explore the logistics of plundering a planet with the Empire. It doesn't just involve shooting giant lasers or Darth Vader force choking subordinates. Gillen actually taps some characters from the pages of the Darth Vader comic, namely Shu-Torun. While the Empire makes few allies that aren't easy to blow up, they tend to be pragmatic when it comes to allegiances. That shows that the Empire isn't just evil. It's competent, which only makes it scarier.

That added fear factor helps make Star Wars #38 feel like part of a larger picture, one that is actually impacted by events in other Star Wars comics. That's something many of the Star Wars comics have been missing since the Vader Down event, which Gillen also helped right. The fact that a story with those connections unfolds without creating a new Death Star makes the story that much more impressive.

It's still a story that only gets so much time to develop. Star Wars #38 does plenty to establish that the situation on Jedha is dire and its people are suffering. It also establishes the personal stakes for characters like Gi, who have more reason than most to fight the Empire. What isn't clear, at least from the outset, is the larger plan the Rebels have. When there's no Death Star to blow up or plans to steal, their tactics tend to be more subtle. They also tend to be vague, which makes it hard to evoke the same drama that comes with watching Luke hit a thermal exhaust port only two meters wide with nothing but the Force.

There are a number of blanks that need to be filled. Star Wars #38 creates a story that feels part of a larger narrative, but that story isn't quite as concise in terms of purpose and intent. It still marks an overdue improvement, of sorts, with Marvel's Star Wars comics. It's not just trying to fill the sizable gaps between iconic movies. It's trying to build bigger worlds in a story where worlds regularly get blown up. It's still a challenge, as is often the case with Evil Empires, but the payoff is worth its weight in destroyed Death Stars.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #9

Every iconic romance is kind of like a twisted form of porno. But instead of sex and nudity, it’s full of these crazy passions that are about as unrealistic as Jenna Jameson taking it up the ass from a pizza delivery boy. And like porno, it’s because it’s so unrealistic that it’s appealing. And it’s for that very reason that the romance between Han Solo and Princess Leia is so refreshing, even over three decades later.

There was no instant attraction with these two. In fact, they hated each other’s guts when they first met. It was a long, strange process that took them from hating each other to bumping uglies. It involved carbonite, exploding battle stations, and chain mail bikinis. But we already know how it ended for Han and Leia. They do eventually have their moment at the end of Return of the Jedi. However, Marvel has decided to make the journey to that moment a bit more difficult and fucked up.

Enter Sana Solo, who claims to be the wife of Han Solo. She entered the picture in Star Wars #8 and for pretty much that entire issue, Han kept denying it. We don’t know if this was just some drunken romp in whatever the galaxy’s equivalent of Las Vegas is or if Sana is one of those creepy stalkers that only Justin Bieber fans can understand. Well, Sana is making it exceedingly difficult to rely on a restraining order because she basically get the Empire to get Leia out of the picture. Now, in Star Wars #9, this rather fucked up complication in the eventual romance of Han Solo and Princess Leia takes another turn. It’s a complication that fans of both romance and porno can appreciate.

But fucked up romance isn’t the only plot of this story. There’s something else for those who are less interested in swapping body fluids and more interested in watching Luke Skywalker navigate Nar Shaddaa, a planet-sized version of Mos Eisley. So yeah, there’s something for everyone. Rather than fighting an ex-wife, Luke is just fighting to get his light sabre back after some thief in a bar swiped it. Is it as tense as fighting with a pissed off ex-wife? No. But it’s the basis of nearly every James Bond movie ever made so it’s still awesome.

Luke shows in his pursuit of this thief that he’s not so much a Jedi at this point as he is a reckless space redneck from a desert planet. And this thief just stole the equivalent of a redneck’s truck so of course he’s going to chase him down in the most reckless way possible. Reckless or not, he still succeeds. He manages to catch up to the thief before he can get on a ship. Sure, he ends up doing some property damage and falling into a pile of garbage. But he saved his light sabre. I think that’s more than worth sacrificing a little dignity, hygiene, and self-preservation.

Moreover, it’s a nice reminder that this Luke Skywalker is nowhere close to being the Luke Skywalker who defeats Darth Vader. Sure, he can use the Force to help him destroy the Death Star. But he’s still a long ways away from being a legendary Jedi and that’s how it should be at this point. A big part of what made Luke Skywalker an iconic character was the process he went through to become a Jedi. Right now, he’s at a part in the process that lands him in piles of garbage. I think that’s as fitting a context as any.

While Luke did get his light sabre back from the thief, he did find out he’s more screwed than he previously thought. What kind of thief would be crazy enough to steal a light sabre anyways when it would surely attract the attention of the Darth Vaders of the galaxy? Well, how about someone hired by Grakkus the Hutt? And yes, these are the same huts that enjoy extorting smugglers and putting women in chain bikinis. This one in particular is interested in Luke’s light sabre. So yeah, Luke is just that fucked at this early stage of his Jedi training.

As much fun as it is to see Luke obsess over retrieving his light sabre, I’m sure there are way more people interested in the bonerific love life of Han Solo. He probably hates his penis right now because his ex-wife called the Imperials on his future wife to collect the bounty on her head. That’s more than enough reasons for Leia to add another lock onto her panties. It’s all part of an elaborate plan for Sana to collect the bounty and get Han back, presumably so they can start making Solo babies or consolidating their debt with the Hutts.

There’s just one major problem with that plan. Han is also wanted by the Empire. Shooting at Darth Vader’s tie-fighter and helping someone destroy the Death Star will do that. Apparently, Sana didn’t get the memo, which effectively derails her plan because the Imperials start shooting at him as much as they shoot at Leia. Naturally, Leia fights back, probably by picturing Han’s face underneath those helmets.

But it now forces Sana to help them both. If she gives enough of a fuck about Han to marry him and piss off his future wife, then she cares enough to get him away from the Imperials. It’s a coherent yet hilarious twist of fate, one that forces Han to be stuck in close quarters with Leia and Sana. And honestly, who wouldn’t want more of that at this point? Two pissed off women and a man dumb enough to try and bone both of them? That might make for shitty reality shows, but it makes for awesome Star Wars comics.

The tension for Han and Leia couldn’t be worse right now. While Han’s dick probably hates him, I imagine Luke hates the Hutts almost as much at this point. One ruled his home planet with an iron fist and bikini-clad women. Now one wants to take his light sabre. He’s got plenty of motivation to tell him to fuck off like the piss-stained snail that he is. But again, this is not the same Luke Skywalker who can take on Darth Vader. This is a Luke Skywalker who will still get his ass kicked. He can beat Stormtroopers, but advanced droids paid for by a Hutt with enough money for bikini-clad women? That’s more of a challenge. And while he makes a noble effort, he still loses.

But when Luke wakes up, he’s not in a prison cell or in the digestive tract of a Sarlac. He’s not in a metal bikini either. He’s still a prisoner, but Grakkus the Hutt reveals he’s a different kind of Hutt. Sure, he’ll send thieves and thugs to fuck with people, but he actually has a different reason for doing so other than to find more women to put in bikinis.

It turns out he’s a collector of Jedi artifacts, so much so that he’s gathered everything that remains of the Jedi temple. Grakkus still freely admits that he enjoys the company of bounty hunters, smugglers, and corrupt bureaucrats as any other Hutts. However, he’s got more sophisticated tastes. That alone makes him more likable than any Hutt in the galaxy. But don’t add him to any Christmas list just yet. He still proves that he honors the Hutt tradition of being ruthless assholes.

The whole reason he hired someone to steal Luke’s light sabre was to lure him to his collection. That collection includes a holocron, something that any Star Wars fan who endured the prequels can recognize. It can only be opened by a Jedi and since the Hutts repel the Force like a nun from a gay bar, he needs Luke to open it. And he’s not willing to ask politely either.

It puts Luke in a difficult position. Either open the holocron or get shot. And he still hasn’t passed Jedi 101 yet so he’s not even sure he can do it. But as inexperienced as he is at this point, he still destroyed the Death Star. That more than qualifies him to open a fucking holocron. And that’s exactly what he does. He succeeds in opening not just one but every holocron in Grakkus’ collection. He gets his first real look at Jedi relics and records. It’s not complete. None of them contain a warning about how his father is kind of an asshole. But it’s a nice feat that shows this is the same guy who is destined to beat Darth Vader.

But despite this success, Grakkus is hardly content with Luke’s contributions. He’s still a Hutt and it’s been more than 10 minutes since he screwed someone over. I imagine that’s like me going a month without booze. While he doesn’t threaten to put Luke in a bikini, he makes it clear that Luke is now his prison bitch. And he intends to find other ways to make money off the last remaining Jedi. It’s cruel and sadistic, yes. But it’s also a smart business decision. If people come far and wide just to see a few baby pandas, how much do you think those same people would pay to see the last Jedi?

So Luke is still pretty screwed at the moment. Han, Leia, and Sana are slightly less screwed. They’re on the run, being chased and shot at by Imperials. For Han and Leia, that’s basically Tuesday. For Sana, I’m sure that’s the kind of shit she usually goes out of her way to avoid. None-the-less, they are able to avoid getting shot down. And the two women even manage to tell Han to shut the fuck up. At this point, I’m certain Han’s scrotum has collapsed on itself.

While there’s plenty of tension and danger, not much else is added to it. The story with Han, Leia, and Sana really doesn’t move forward all that much. It’s just the Imperials show up and they have to run. That’s about it. There’s no further insight into who Sana is and how she ended up married to Han Solo. Granted, they don’t have much time to chat because Imperials are shooting at them, but there’s not much else that happens here other than making Han feel more awkward.

There might be nothing more that can be done with that plot until the Imperials stop shooting, but there’s still plenty that can be done with Luke. He’s not in a position to do much as a prisoner of a Hutt. However, he still has R2-D2 with him and R2 tends to find a way to help his master when he’s done too good a job of screwing himself over. This time is no exception. He gets a distress signal out to the Rebel fleet. While they claim they can spare no resources to save one kid from a Hutt, they do leave the door open for volunteers. But who would possibly volunteer to go a planet of smugglers to rescue just one guy? Who could possibly be daring/crazy/ballsy enough?

Enter Chewbacca. That’s right all you Furry fetish folks. Chewbacca happens to not be doing anything at the moment. And since I doubt he wants to be around Han when he’s bickering with his ex-wife and future wife, why not kick some ass on a planet of thugs and save Luke in the process? Hell, that’s probably Chewy’s idea of a fun Saturday night.

Well I think it’s safe to say now that both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are having a pretty typical Monday. Get chased by the Imperials? Check. Get caught up in crime syndicate run by the Hutts? Check. Unlock ominous secrets of the Jedi? Check. Stay stuck between an ex-wife and future wife? Okay, that’s not on the list, but it damn well ought to be. Every element in this story fits perfectly within the greater Star Wars mythos. It doesn’t try to do anything too crazy. It doesn’t introduce any Gungans. It doesn’t try to make Hayden Christiansen likable. It just sticks to what makes Star Wars awesome.

As a result, this issue is awesome. It effectively continues the ongoing plot involving Luke and Han Solo. Granted, it doesn’t move the plot forward a great deal, but it never becomes chaotic or contrived. It remains consistent in every important area and in an era where little consistency exists outside of a Big Mac, that counts for a lot. There’s still not much that is going to blow anybody’s minds or soil anybody’s panties, but it’s still as fun as a Star Wars comic can be. I give Star Wars #9 an 9 out of 10. But if anything can lead to brain stains and wet panties, it’s throwing a Wookie with a blaster into the mix. Nuff said!

Epilogues and Prologues: Journey To Star Wars The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1

The following is my review of Journey To Star Wars The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The phrase, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end,” isn’t just a lyric to the only hit song Semisonic ever released. It’s the cornerstone of Disney’s strategy for expanding Star Wars beyond its iconic mythos and disappointing prequels. Not content with the billions of dollars that the Star Wars brand generated over several decades through six movies, Disney is betting that continuing the saga will yield even more billions. Everyone from George Lucas’ accountant to Disney’s top executives believes it’s a pretty safe bet.

But unlike a lotto ticket, Disney has the ability to guide Star Wars into this new era. They have the resources of the House of Mouse and the House of Ideas in Marvel to forge this new saga. But to date, the most Disney has done is create a trailer. Granted, that trailer nearly broke the internet with an outburst of fanboy squeals not seen since Carrie Fisher first put on a chain mail bikini. Even so, there’s still the matter of actually building this new era for a new generation, hoping that a new legion of fans will step forth and fork over enough money to build a new Death Star.

This is the process that Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 attempts to begin. It doesn’t explore the history of the Star Wars universe. It doesn’t expand on the time gaps in between the first six movies, which have already yielded great comics and a couple of hit cartoon series. It’s going to boldly go where no one has gone before, if that’s not too inappropriate a term. It’s going to explore the future of Star Wars, picking up right where Return of the Jedi left off.

It’s a bold move and one that might scare some fans who still have nightmares about Jar Jar Binks. Those fears, however, are mostly unfounded. This story that unfolds from the closing scenes of Return of the Jedi contains nothing that will blow up message boards or crash the internet. There aren’t any Han-or-Greedo moments that will have Star Wars fans arguing for decades. That said, there aren’t many moments that will inspire the same feelings as Luke blowing up the first Death Star.

This story doesn’t actually follow Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia or almost any of the now-iconic characters that made George Lucas obscenely rich. It follows the story of Shara Bey. She’s not a Gungan. She’s not a princess. She’s not some random bounty hunter either. She’s just one of the many hotshot pilots who took part of the attack on the second Death Star. However, it’s established early on that she’s not a faceless extra in a Walking Dead rerun. Her story is actually woven into Return of the Jedi.

She’s the one who helped Lando make the final attack on the second Death Star with the Millennium Falcon. She’s also the one who helped Luke Skywalker escape in an Imperial shuttle without getting shot down. So right off the bat, she establishes herself as a pretty important character. And there’s nothing she does that fundamentally changes or undermines the events of Return of the Jedi. It doesn’t try to be like the last Terminator movie and fundamentally change the whole setup. Instead, it tries to expand it.

This expansion is what gives the story appeal. However, that appeal has limited scope. While we do see Shara playing an important role in this iconic battle in the Star Wars mythos, we don’t see her do much else that’s really noteworthy. That’s not to say she just sits around and dances with Ewoks either. She does make an effort to distinguish herself and she’s able to do it without a light sabre.

As the story unfolds, we learn a few things about Shara. In addition to being a capable pilot, she’s also married to a fellow Rebel named Tuck. And for the most part, their relationship is as passionate as any that involves surviving Imperial tyranny. It’s not nearly the spectacle of Han Solo and Princess Leia. In fact, by comparison it’s downright bland. In some respects, it’s refreshing. Star Wars doesn’t need another romantic struggle at this point, especially if someone ends up frozen in carbonite again.

Refreshing as it is, Shara and Tuck don’t do anything that’ll inspire cos-players at a Star Wars themed wedding. They just share a quiet moment to establish that this is one of those marriages where the passion is genuine and not something Jabba the Hutt imposed. It’s a moment that really doesn’t have much relevance other than putting them in a position to help their fellow Rebels with a follow-up mission on Endor.

It’s a mission that basically reveals that killing the Emperor and destroying his oversized battle station isn’t enough to destroy an Empire. There are still people in this world that think the Civil War never ended. So it makes sense that there would be plenty of Imperial holdouts. It makes for some nice action. It’s not nearly as epic as the battle against the Death Star, but then again few things are.

There’s nothing inherently flawed with the narrative. There aren’t any major plot holes. Shara Bey isn’t going to remind anybody of Jar Jar Binks either. The story, as a whole, is solid and concise. However, there’s nothing about this story that’s really memorable or jarring. There are no shocking revelations. There aren’t even any hints as to how this ties into Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. If it were a college essay, Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1would get a passing grade and nothing else.

This comic still offers a great deal of potential. Shara comes off as likable and compelling. The potential for battles against lingering Imperial forces also offers plenty of intrigue, but it fails to generate the kind of excitement that’ll start trending on Twitter. However, it does have a level of refinement that makes it a worthy supplement to Return of the Jedi. Princess Leia’s bikini will still be the most memorable part of that story, but every little detail helps.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1

This year is set to be the ultimate nirvana for Star Wars fans. This Christmas, at a time when we’re obsessing over sales and getting drunk off eggnog, it’s going to happen. A new Star Wars movie is going to be released. Not since the destruction of Alderan will so many voices collectively cry out at once. It’s a moment that fans and Disney accountants have been anticipating since Disney bought the Star Wars rights. It’s a new movie for a new era of the movie that redefined sci-fi, cinema, and incest overtones.

But before this most epic of holiday feasts can begin, Disney has tasked Marvel with wetting our appetites, as if Star Wars fans weren’t already gnawing on their arms like crack addicts in withdraw. To bridge the gap between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakened, they’ve commissioned Marvel to craft Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1. This series is supposed to set everything up so that those of us who fork over more money than others in our Star Wars fandom aren’t completely lost. It’s either meant to reward our loyalty or suck more money out of our wallets. I don’t care which is the case. If it’s awesome, my wallet can kiss my ass.

This journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakened begins at the end of the last journey in Return of the Jedi, which is entirely appropriate. We’ve all seen the epic saga, complete with implied incest. For those who haven’t seen it in a while, there’s a nice recap page that shows Luke’s showdown with Darth Vader and the battle against the second Death Star. However, the focus isn’t on Luke, Han, or Lando this time. Rather than tell us shit we already know, this story adds a new dimension to this familiar scene. Return of the Jedi is already a delicious cake. Why not add more frosting?

This new dimension has a name and a codename. Her name is Shara Bey and she’s Green Four of the Green Squadron, who were part of the epic space battle against the second Death Star. Lando and the Millennium Falcon are still there. But again, we already know how their story pans out. Shara’s the one who gets the focus. She’s among those who helps the Millennium Falcon make its epic run into the Death Star’s core. So in that context, she’s not fucking Jar Jar. She has a big fucking role in Star Wars right off the bat.

She’s still an unknown, but this is still a good way to establish her importance. She’s not a character who is just randomly thrown into the shit storm and expected not to stink. She actually has a role in a familiar scene. That’s a good way to tie her into the core fabric of the Star Wars universe. We still don’t know much about her or why we should give a shit about her, but we do know that she’s already contributed to the moments we know and love in a major way.

Once Lando and the Millennium Falcon start their run, Shara ends up contributing in another major way. Remember when Luke escaped the Death Star? Well, he was in an Imperial Shuttle and last I checked, those things are easy targets. So how the hell did he make it down to Endor without getting shot down? Well, the movie never revealed that, but we finally find out now over 30 years later. It was Shara who found out that Luke was on board. And she helped keep the other Rebels from blowing him out of the sky.

It’s one of those minor details from the movie that didn’t need to get expanded. Even if there were message boards in the mid-80s, I doubt Star Wars fans would’ve been wondering how Luke made it down to Endor without getting shot down. Then again, these are the same fans who bitch and moan about who shot first, Han or Greedo. So maybe I’m giving them too much credit. But at least for now, there’s no more reason to bitch. Shara Bey is the reason Luke made it down to Endor in one piece and for that, I think she’s earned the right to be awesome.

More familiar details follow. The events of the movie take over again and we see nothing that hasn’t been seen or parodied by Family Guy and Robot Chicken before. Lando completes his run with the Millennium Falcon, the second Death Star explodes, and the Rebels rejoice. Shara joins her fellow squad mates back at the base where everyone is either ready to celebrate or take a long, overdue nap. There are some solemn words about their fallen commanders, but everybody is more inclined to party their ass off. And why shouldn’t they? They just beat the Galactic Empire. Even an Amish republican would say they’ve earned it.

That’s exactly what Shara does. She joins her fellow rebels down on Endor where the fireworks are going off, the Ewoks are dancing, and George Lucas is counting his money. There are some familiar faces with C-3PO, Lando, Chewy, and Han Solo. But they don’t really say much beyond the post-victory dick-measuring. Even so, their presence alone helps give Shara’s story more weight. It shows it’s a story that’s intimately entwined with the events of Star Wars.

At the same time, however, I’m still not seeing much reason to give more fucks about her than the other characters we know and love. As nice as it is to revisit this scene, we don’t really see anything with Luke, Han, Leia, or anyone else. I get that this is Shara’s story, but it feels like these major characters that people probably care way more about are getting overlooked. We’re seeing Shara’s post-Return of the Jedi story, but why the fuck his hers more important?

That question doesn’t really get answered. It really can’t be answered because we still know jack shit about who Shara is. Well, we do get some additional details, some of which are more important than others. While the others are partying, she catches up with a few of her squad mates in an Ewok hut. That’s where she meets Tuck Dameron, who happens to be her husband. And no, there’s no implied incest with these two. They really are just a husband and wife who have spent a good chunk of their lives and their marriage beating the shit out of imperials. And I guess the couple that fights the Empire together stays together.

There are some nice romantic scenes with these two, establishing that this isn’t one of those marriages that happens in Las Vegas over a bet. It’s a real, actual marriage. It’s the kind the Kim Davis’ of the world don’t quite appreciate. They actually talk about what the future holds for them and whether it’s truly over. It’s sweet, but fairly bland. There’s nothing about this scene that hasn’t played out in a Twilight book, minus emo vampires.

Naturally, beating the Empire and celebrating their victory makes them very horny. So of course Shara and Tuck are going to enjoy a little victory nookie. Again, it’s pretty bland. There’s nothing in here that hasn’t been seen in every other PG-13 movie with Linda Hamilton in it. It just shows that Shara and Tuck are in a relationship where they enjoy doing the nasty in exotic locations like Endor. There are couples in this world that enjoy getting it on in dumpsters behind McDonald’s. Again, it’s downright tame. But it shows a nice bit of intimacy between the two.

However, they don’t even get to enjoy the post-victory afterglow before someone starts barking orders outside. This is officially beyond the credits of Return of the Jedi. The ghosts of Yoda, Obi Wan, and some asshole who looks like Hayden Christensen are gone. Now, we’re officially in uncharted territory with Star Wars. I want to be excited, but I can only do so much while following Shara’s story at this point. That or I took an extra valium and forgot. It’s entirely possible.

Once everyone gets dressed and hides the puke stains, they find out from Han Solo that destruction of a Galactic Empire isn’t exactly a clean and tidy process. They found out from Imperial transmissions that while most are fleeing with their dicks tucked between their legs, there are some holdouts. And some of them happen to be on Endor. They still think the Empire is equipped to fight back. I want to laugh at them, but there are still people in this country who don’t know that the Civil War has been over for over 150 years. So I can’t give Stormtroopers shit.

Having saved Luke Skywalker and banged her husband, Shara is in a good mood. So she volunteers to be the pilot that transports a strike team to this rebel holdout. Again, there’s not much here that’s really memorable. They have a chance to rub salt in the wound of a defeated Empire. Fuck yeah, they’re going to take it. But beyond that, we learn nothing more about Shara or anything about Luke, Leia, or Lando. It just seems like there are better shows in town.

That’s not to say it isn’t enjoyable. When Shara arrives with the strike team, we get a nice battle that we never saw in the movie. It’s the Rebels and Ewoks against a bunch of Imperial holdouts. It makes for some visually stunning scenes that feel like they might as well have been ripped from the movie. Shara doesn’t really do much other than provide air cover while Han leads the team below. And this is the only part of it that’s disappointing. Maybe I’m just more gay for Han Solo than I’m willing to admit, but I’d rather see him beating the shit out of Imperials than watch Shara casually observe the battle from a pilot’s seat. This is Star Wars, not fucking Top Gun.

While the battle has some nice visuals, it’s over very quickly. It’s not all that epic, nor should it be. The Rebels just destroyed another Death Star. Any subsequent battle isn’t going to be nearly as epic by default. Some things just can’t be properly followed up. Trevor Noah is going to find that out soon enough. But it’s a battle that does serve a purpose. Han and the strike team emerge from the base announcing that they found more intel and battle plans from the Imperials. Even though the Death Star has been destroyed, it’s not over yet. There are more battles to come, which is to be expected. Emperor Palpatine might have looked like an infected scrotum, but he wasn’t a fucking idiot. He ran his Empire like Steve Jobs on crystal meth. That means unlike a typical crack whore, it’s not going to go down easy.

This is one of those issues that doesn’t do anything wrong, but it doesn’t do anything exceedingly awesome either. If the point of this issue was to expand on the events of Return of the Jedi, it succeeded. And if the point was to introduce an intriguing new character in Shara Bey, it succeeded at least in part. But like a stoner who fixes a broken window with duct tape, it doesn’t do anything beyond that. Don’t get me wrong. I want to like Shara Bey. There’s nothing about here that I don’t like. I just don’t understand why I should give what few fucks I have to give when Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Luke Skywalker are present. Greg Rucka made a conscious effort to establish Shara Bey and post-Empire galaxy. I won’t say he failed, but I will say my panties are very dry right now.

There’s nothing about Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 that tempers my excitement for the upcoming movie. There’s nothing that makes me want to beat up Dr. Who and steal his Tardis in order to see it either. It certainly has the potential to be awesome. It already took the first step in setting up the conflicts of the post-Empire Galaxy. It just needed to take a few more for me to spare some extra fucks. I give Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 a 6 out of 10. It’s concise, clean, and coherent. I don’t have to sober up to enjoy it. But it still a ways from being awesome in a way befitting of the Force. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #8

With the kids going back to school soon, I imagine everyone is having nightmares about their least favorite classes. I’m sure even healthy adults still endure horrible cold sweats when remembering calculus exams. For Star Wars fans, there are certain parts of the prequels that induce the equivalent of 10 calculus exams. Mediglorians, Gungans, and Hayden Christiansen come to mind. Granted, the inclusion of Yoda, Natalie Portman, and pod racing more than made up for it, but it’s still one of those darker eras in an otherwise iconic mythos. And since Marvel’s new Star Wars series is exploring stories in ways that don’t require bringing Peter Mayhew out of retirement, it’s only a matter of time before some of those stories are revisited.

The previous issue proved that revisiting these eras can be pretty damn awesome. It can actually remind us that Obi Wan Kanobi was once more than just Anakin’s shitty babysitter. Now, Luke, Leia, and Han have other pressing conflicts that may or may not require them to visit these dark areas that many Star Wars fans wish they could forget with the Jedi Mind Trick. Star Wars #8 acts as the bridge that will expand these conflicts. One involves learning more about the history of the Jedi. Another involves Han Solo’s ex-wife. Honestly, I think Han Solo would prefer a prostate exam by a Sarlac, but it’s still way more interesting than another Gungan War.

If Star Wars had Jerry Springer, this would be a classic episode that would rank right up there with midget strippers. Han and Leia were already on a mission to a planet in the Outer Rim that looks like a set for an Elton John concert. Then, before Han can do anything to make Leia loosen the lock she has on her panties, his “wife” shows up. I put “wife” in quotes because if I had a spider-sense that responded only to crazy psycho bitches, it would be going haywire right now.

Her name is Sana. She has an ass that’s basically on the same level as Leia, but she carries herself like the kind of woman who keeps a jar of men’s testicles under her mattress. Han, clearly looking around for Jerry Springer, is probably wishing he kept his balls in a carbonite safe. She hints that this planet was the site of an epic, sci-fi honeymoon that could’ve easily spawned three more Hangover movies. But still, even my penis is wary about this woman.

The awkwardness and tension here is just too entertaining. Like every Jerry Springer fight that involves strippers and midgets, it’s impossible not to laugh. First, Sana kisses Han. Then, she slaps him. I’m not sure if that’s love or foreplay. It might be a mix of both for her. Leia is understandably confused and more than a little pissed. I imagine she’s adding extra locks to her panties at this point.

When Han finally manages to get a word or two in, he claims this woman is not his wife. She’s only his wife in the same sense that N’Sync fans claimed to be Justin Timberlake’s wife. It’s a strange, but intriguing situation. That or Han just had a really shitty divorce lawyer. And while Leia is plenty inclined to put a few light years of distance between herself and Han, Sana reveals something else about herself aside from being Mrs. Solo. She’s a bounty hunter and as it just so happens, the Empire still has a big fucking price on her head. So she gets a chance to screw over her husband and make a lot of money. For crazy psycho bitches, that’s like Christmas and a birthday all rolled into one.

The tension here keeps escalating and so does the yelling. Even Jerry Springer would stop them at this point. Sana continues making some pretty bold claims that would make Leia rip off his dick and throw it into the nearest black hole. Sana claims that Han likes to run con jobs where he seduces rich princesses and cons them out of rewards. Leia, having seen how much Han loves money, isn’t too inclined to reject this. It’s one of those arguments that makes sense, even if it is coming from a crazy psycho bitch. It’s why Ann Colter is a best-selling author.

Han, to his credit, tries to explain himself. I doubt Leia will respond in any way that doesn’t involve a kick in the balls. But Sana saves her the trouble by revealing that she could give two squats from a Sarlac’s ass about any con Han is running. She’s not just there to make Han wish he were being devoured by a Sarlac. She’s there because she intends to deliver Leia to the Imperials. In fact, she’s already got a deal in the works and she blows up their transport ship for good measure. Why? I’m guessing this might also count as foreplay for her, but she just might be that big a bitch.

There’s a lot of entertainment value to watching Han, Leia, and Mrs. Han Solo fight and argue. But there’s another plot unfolding in another part of the galaxy. It’s not nearly as entertaining as a galactic version of a hillbilly feud, but it still follows an ongoing story that has been unfolding for a few issues.

Luke, having retrieved Obi Wan’s dairy from Tattooine, is on a new mission now. He didn’t get what he wanted from that dairy other than proof that Obi Wan wasn’t always just a strange old man who occasionally talked like he was on LSD. But he’s still determined to learn more about the Jedi. To do that, he’s going to travel to Nar Shaddaa. What is Nar Shaddaa? Picture the worst parts of Somilia, Afghanistan, and downtown Detroit. Then, turn that into a planet. That’s Nar Shaddaa.

Why does Luke want to go here? Well, he’s searching for more information about the Jedi. Since the Empire gave the Jedi the Tony Soprano treatment, they can’t exactly live in the civilized parts of the galaxy. So that means traveling to the underground butthole of the galaxy. It’s a fucked up kind of logic, but it’s still logical none-the-less.

Following this logic, Luke makes his way into the seediest bar he can find that doesn’t involve alien crackheads. But just like we saw in A New Hope, Luke sucks Wookie dick when it comes to dealing with seedy bars. He could barely handle himself at Mos Eisley without Obi Wan as his wing man. So it’s laughably predictable when he starts getting his ass kicked. They don’t even have the courtesy to let him get drunk. It’s pretty pathetic, but it shows just how inexperienced Luke is at this point. He’s nowhere near the kind of Jedi who can go up against Darth Vader. That said, it’s still as entertaining as any bar fight can be without strippers.

Then, at one point in the battle, Luke breaks out his light sabre. This forces everyone in the bar to sober up much faster than they probably would’ve preferred. They’ll happily beat the shit out of anyone who stumbles into their bar looking like they just got off the bus from Montana. But if he breaks out a light sabre, then that’s cause for concern, even among these assholes.

Once sober, the bartender gives Luke at least some of the information he’s looking for. He says that if he wants to learn more about the Jedi, he needs to go to the temple on Coruscant. I’ll give those who hated The Phantom Menace a moment to cringe. The bartender even offers to smuggle him there since the Imperial still have a standing kill-every-Jedi-and-piss-on-their-corpses order. The problem is, he wants the light sabre as payment. Luke understandably refuses and just like that, these assholes are back to kicking his ass.

But before another galactic bar fight can break out, some mysterious guy/girl/alien of ambiguous gender enters the picture. Like a mystery guest in a bad spy movie, this cloaked figure kicks any lingering bit of sobriety in the balls by stealing Luke’s lightsabre. This mystery figure even seems to use the Force or something similar. Does that mean there are more Jedi that survived the order? More that could warrant shitty prequels? We can only speculate because the details are lacking. All we know is that someone is interested in Luke’s pursuit of all things Jedi and if they’re not trying to kill him, they might be worth talking to. The lack of details are a bit troubling, but it still makes for an awesome bar fight and I’m okay with any fight that doesn’t involve me getting my eye-socket punched in.

Bar fights are fun and all, but I imagine most are more interested in learning about Han’s psycho-bitch/wife. She still has Leia and Han at gunpoint and she’s negotiating with a Star Destroyer in orbit, hoping to collect on that big ass bounty. Leia is still understandably pissed and Han is doing his best to salvage what’s left of his balls. At first, he attempts to try sweet-talking Sana. It’s not an unreasonable approach. Hell, he got her to marry him. He must know something about loosening a woman’s panties, even if that woman is a crazy psycho bitch.

However, Leia isn’t willing to place that much faith in Han’s panty-loosening skills. She opts to just kick Han in the ass, pull out a blaster she had hidden in her boot, and hold them at gunpoint. Whereas most princesses would resort to whining to her daddy or calling on her knights, she sticks to blasters. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, she’s making it clear she’s not like those other whiney princesses. I can’t help but respect that and be turned on by it.

Leia doesn’t just point that blaster at Sana either. She lets Han know that she’s done putting locks on her panties. Now, she’s more inclined to shoot him rather than deal with any more of his bullshit. There may or may not be a reasonable explanation, but she’s not taking any chances. The problem is Sana didn’t leave much room to negotiate in her deal with the Empire. They’re already on their way and regardless of the bounty, they still want her head. She can be as pissed as she wants at Han. It’s still not going to protect her from the Empire. Sana made sure of that because she’s just that big a bitch. If she admitted at this point she pleasured herself when she found out Alderan had been destroyed, I wouldn’t be shocked.

At this point, I think two things are clear. One, Luke Skywalker sucks at dealing with smugglers and criminals. Second, Han Solo is the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch in the galaxy right now. Usually, when a series diverts into two unrelated stories, it tends to fuck up the narrative. It’s like having a sandwich that’s half bacon and half kale. One part may be awesome, but the other part keeps that sandwich from being a complete kind of awesome. However, on rare occasions, both stories turn out to be awesome. In that case, it becomes a sandwich that’s half bacon and half chocolate. Both are inherently awesome on their own. Put them together and they’re extra awesome.

I can’t say both stories are on an equal level. As much as I loved watching Han Solo’s balls retreat into his rectum, not a whole lot happened with him, Sana, and Leia until the end. The tension was great, but it took a while to make something of it. For those of us who read comics stoned, that counts for something. The plot with Luke was much more concise. It captures that naïve innocence that made Luke so lovable in A New Hope and so jaded in Return of the Jedi. There’s a lot to like about both stories, even if they lack that special ball-busting impact. They both have all the elements that make Star Wars so awesome and so absurdly profitable for George Lucas. I give Star Wars #8 an 7 out of 10. If at this point someone told Han that he’s going to get frozen in carbonite, I’d think he’d prefer the carbonite. Hell, most men in his position would dive in head first and give the ex-wife the finger just for good measure. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #7

How do you make something that’s already awesome even more awesome? It may sound daunting, but it’s the good kind of daunting. Bacon itself is already pretty awesome, but I imagine it only took a few joints or a dull Saturday afternoon for someone to figure out that dipping it in chocolate made it even better. And if that can be done with bacon, why not with Star Wars? Since Disney decided to splurge like Donald Trump at a hair salon, they’ve put Star Wars into the chocolate fountain that is Marvel Comics and attempted to make it awesome in a way that used to only be possible with cocaine and Quaaludes. So far, their effort has been a booming success.

The new Star Wars series under Jason Aaron and John Cassaday has captured everything we love about these movies, minus the incest overtones. It helps fill that virgin gap between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back like a gold-encrusted dildo. We get to see these characters evolve into the icons they’re destined to become and Wookies shoot Stormtroopers along the way. Anyone who can’t enjoy that on some levels needs to check the dosage on their meds. This ongoing orgy of classic sci-fi awesome continues in Star Wars #7, but with a character that some probably feel was explored a bit too much in recent times. Yes, I’m talking about Obi Wan Kanobi, the third most annoying part of the prequels after Jar Jar and Hayden Christiansen. But I’m willing to smoke an extra joint, forget how disappointing those movies were, and give this comic a chance to make him awesome again.

Obi Wan is certainly in just the right place to have an opportunity to be awesome. Tatooine is a lot like the Somalia of the Star Wars universe. It’s a lawless butthole of a planet with few resources except for an abundance of blood-thirsty warlords and criminals. On top of that, this story takes place at a time when he’s still trying to get used to the idea of being one of the last Jedi left. I imagine it takes a long fucking time to get over the kind of butthurt caused by having Emperor Palpatine slaughter the entire Jedi Order. In this context, having a good day usually means not wanting to do the swan dive into a tank of Jack Daniels.

It’s established early on that Obi Wan is living in one of the shittier parts of this armpit of a planet. Jabba the Hutt, most likely low on bikini-clad slave women, decides to impose a water tax on the Tatooine’s residents. And when some poor farmer doesn’t want to pay because he’s not a big fan of dying of thirst, Jabba’s thugs kick his ass and all Obi Wan can do is watch. He’s not a Jedi or a keeper of the peace anymore. He’s supposed to be dead with the rest of the Jedi. It pisses him off and this is beautifully conveyed with John Cassaday’s art. It almost makes me want to do the swan dive into a tank of Jack Daniels.

That’s the main theme of the overall story, Obi Wan struggling to live life as a recluse. Keep in mind, he was once a badass general who fought on the front lines of the Clone Wars. He used to spend his days slicing through droids with a light saber and telling Count Dookoo to kiss his ass. Now he’s just a hermit on a shitty planet full of shittier criminals. He actually makes fighting droid armies sound more appealing.

It’s a more human side of Obi Wan. Too many Star Wars fans know him only as the uptight asshat who failed to train Anakin Skywalker and the wannabe sage who tried to help Luke, only to get himself killed in the process. We never get to see him process just how shitty a turn his life took after the Clone Wars. It’s something that we needed to see, if only to stop telling him he’s a lousy teacher.

We get a glimpse of how he spends his days on Tatooine. He doesn’t fight thugs or aid rebels. He just keeps to himself, occasionally gets supplies at a market, and spends most of his time in some run down hut trying to forget the last three Star Wars movies. It’s a pretty shitty way to live, even by Tatooine standards. Nobody would blame him in the slightest if he started mixing cocaine and Scotch. However, he does have activities other than brooding.

While Obi Wan still has to cope with being the second biggest loser of the Clone Wars after Jar Jar, she still has a mission of sorts to keep him from developing a drinking problem. He’s supposed to watch and protect a young Luke Skywalker who has no idea what a douche-bag his father turned out to be. There’s some nice internal monologue here where Obi Wan’s sorrow becomes more apparent. He wants to train Luke. He wants to make it so he’s not the last Jedi in the galaxy. And who can blame him? It would be a slight middle finger to the Emperor.

However, he still remembers what happened the last time he trained a Skywalker. Creating one Darth Vader is enough. James Earl Jones can only push that legendary voice of his so much. It’s a powerful moment and one that actually makes Obi Wan more likable, something there wasn’t nearly enough of over the course of three big budget prequels.

He can’t train Luke, but he can still protect him indirectly as only a skilled Jedi can. When the same thugs from earlier arrive to try and collect Jabba’s bullshit water tax from the Skywalkers, he just pulls a quick Jedi mind trick and sends them on their way. It’s not a spectacle. It’s not exciting. But it works. It averts a conflict before it turns into another galactic shit storm. If only that sort of thing worked in real life. There would be a Victoria’s Secret and a McDonald’s in Tehran tomorrow.

There’s more inner monologue that documents Obi Wan’s lament. He talks about dealing with Jabba’s thugs. He also mentions how they’re collecting this tax in the middle of a drought. And on a desert planet, that’s like akin to a giant “fuck you and your poor ass” tax. Even Jeb Bush wouldn’t support that shit. He has to protect Luke in this environment. It might have been easier if he had been asked to clean up every strip club in New Orleans after Mardi Gras. It’s a tough gig, but his options are limited so long as Emperor Palpatine’s “Kill Every Jedi On Sight” policy remains in place.

He still tries his best to deal with being a nobody. It’s something no Jedi trains for. It’s not like he can go ask Vanilla Ice for advice or anything. It’s not terribly exciting, but it does offer some important insight into Obi Wan. We see him trying to cope and trying to carve out a living on this galactic shithole of a planet. But there are still times when that Jedi itch needs scratching.

At one point Jabba’s thugs show up again and by now, everybody reading this wants these guys to get a light saber up the ass. They still demand that everyone pay their water tax, even in a drought. This is the IRS from Ron Paul’s worst nightmare basically. Again, Obi Wan has to stop them in a very subtle, very unspectacular way. He uses the Force to break their weapons, which doesn’t really stop them. But it keeps him out of sight and he can go back to his hut feeling less shitty about himself. It’s not a total win, but it’s better than nothing.

It’s still pretty unsatisfying for Obi Wan. Just harassing thugs instead of impaling them where they stand doesn’t sit well with him. It’s not the kind of noble restraint that the Jedi Order preached. However, like Bristol Palin doing abstinence lectures, he can only restrain himself for so long.

One night, Luke wanders off because he’s a kid. Kids tend to wander off and not think much of it. They do it for the same reason they pick their butts, eat their boogers, and ask why a drunk can’t keep his pants on. It’s annoying, but it’s normal. It worries his Aunt and Uncle, but guess who finds him first? Nobody in the galaxy should be surprised when it’s Jabba’s thugs who just happen to be passing by. They probably see little kids as target practice.

Like most kids who like to put on pajamas and pretend their ninjas, Luke says he’s not afraid of these guys. Obviously, his Aunt and Uncle haven’t told him about taxes yet. If so, he would’ve shit himself already. He might as well be a wounded kitten in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s kitchen. Once again, Obi Wan has to step in, but he has to do it indirectly. It’s still not as fun as cutting up an army of droids with a light sabre, but it still gets the job done.

With help from the Force and basic physics, Obi Wan finally has an excuse to ditch the noble restraint bullshit and give these thugs the ass-kicking they’ve done way too much to deserve. It’s not very well-organized and it’s a bit chaotic. All anyone needs to know is Obi Wan channels his inner Jean Grey, minus the part where he destroys a planet, and takes these assholes out. Luke falls on his ass at some point. Again, he’s a fucking kid. Falling on his ass might as well be a required subject in kindergarten.

When all is said and done, the thugs are womprat food and Luke is safe. It may seem like a glorified street fight, but it’s still pretty damn satisfying. After these thugs went through the trouble of making themselves the least likable criminals since the Neo Nazis in Breaking Bad, watching them get their asses kicked was fun even if it had to happen in an indirect way.

In some ways, it works because it shows that Obi Wan can resist the urge to solve problems with his light sabre. That’s something Anakin never quite mastered and it cost him more than Hayden Christiansen’s good looks. It helps him protect Luke without him even knowing he’s being protected. It’s a far more effective method for protecting children than teaching them that Stranger Danger bullshit. It may work for Ralph Wiggum, but not for Luke Skywalker.

It leads to a nice moment where Luke’s Aunt and Uncle find him, not knowing at all that Luke just got a lesson in how big an asshole a tax collector could be. They don’t even meet up with Obi Wan. As far as they’re concerned, Luke just wandered off, got bored, and fell asleep as kids are one to do. It’s a nice moment and one that culminates with Obi Wan putting away his light sabre. It’s another powerful moment that shows he’s serious about staying out of sight and not being the Jedi that got lucky enough to avoid being wiped out. It also effectively sets the tone for the kind of guy he becomes in A New Hope. Except this time, he’s more likable than some snarky old man with the emotional range George Takei.

This story offers a nice insight into a time in the life of Obi Wan Kanobi that isn’t well known. It ends up being an important time because it shows that’s he’s way more likable than a few lackluster movies would have us believe. But it actually offers even more than that. This story wasn’t just part of some random flashback. It came from Luke finding Obi Wan’s old journal back on Tatooine a few issues ago. So this story was basically read through Luke’s eyes. It adds even more weight to the moment, making it even more satisfying. I still would’ve liked to see Jabba’s thugs get a light sabre up the ass, but this is a nice consolation prize.

Now I know there’s a certain segment of Star Wars fans who will never get over the prequels failing to live up to the originals. These same fans will let that hatred prevent them from ever caring about Obi Wan Kanobi’s story because the last time they cared, they got Jar Jar Binks and Hayden Christensen. I can understand that perspective to some extent, but that doesn’t make it any less petty. to use those movies as an excuse to thumb your nose at a story like this one isn’t a mark of sophistication. It’s a mark of being a douche-bag and there are enough of those in the galaxy.

This issue follows the same themes that this series has so skillfully established. It explores some of the unexplored territory in the vast Star Wars universe and does so in an nerdgasmically awesome way. For those fans who aren’t douche-bags, this will make you love Obi Wan Kanobi again. It’s a story that shows him as a broken, lonely, exile from a war where he and every other Jedi in the galaxy got pwned. But despite these struggles, he’s still a Jedi and he’s still capable of being awesome. It may be light on action and details at times, but it’s still more intrigue than Obi Wan ever got from the prequels. I give Star Wars #7 an 8 out of 10. This comic won’t make the prequels any better. It won’t make anyone forget about Jar Jar either. But it puts Obi Wan in a position to do more than whine about Anakin Skywalker and that should appeal to any Star Wars fan in this day and age. Nuff said!

STAR WARS: EPISODE VII - THE FORCE AWAKENS - Official Trailer #2 (2015) ...

Does this even need any drunken rants? Sometimes awesome can just speak for itself. With that in mind, I give you the latest Star Wars teaser trailer. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #3

There are some winning formulas that just work under any circumstances. There’s peanut butter and jelly, beer and buffalo wings, or pussy and weed. It’s simple and it can be crude, but why the fuck does it matter? It still works. Star Wars was revolutionary for its time, but it still followed a winning formula. That formula just got more awesome when aliens, Death Stars, and sexy women in metal bikinis were added to the mix. It doesn’t need to be radically altered. It just needs to stick with what works.

That’s exactly what Marvel’s new Star Wars series has done. It doesn’t try to make senate hearings more interesting. It doesn’t try to create goofy characters that are annoying as fuck. It just puts Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie in another clash with the Empire. And it fucking works. It picks up where Episode IV left off and maintains a raging space boner every step of the way. It’s led to light saber battles, an AT-AT hijacking, and prisoner rescues. At this point, my erection can only get so hard. If I have to call a doctor after Star Wars #3, I’m okay with that. A winning formula is just that worth it.

The potency of that formula is beautifully demonstrated, like using napalm to cook a plate of bacon. Han and Leia have jacked an AT-AT to lay waste to an Imperial base. Luke jacked a land speeder so he could ride around and use Storm Troopers as target practice. And at some point, they found time to free a bunch of imperial slave prisoners. Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is there to make sure it’s not too easy for them. This situation basically has everything. There’s auto theft, liberating slaves, and a pissed off Darth Vader. Seriously, there couldn’t be more going on without Leia giving Jabba the Hut a lap dance.

As fun as it is to fuck up an Imperial base, Hank and Leia understand they need to get the fuck off the planet. Like a house party that’s about to get raided by the cops, they have to be content with the damage they’ve already done. The problem is that they left C3PO in charge of protecting the Millennium Falcon. That’s like having a sick puppy guard a bunch of sleeping chickens against a pack of hungry wolves. C3PO has a lot of charming qualities. Fighting a bunch of scavengers trying to rip the Millennium Falcon apart ain’t one of them.

Lucky for him, fighting is one of Chewbacca’s greatest strengths in addition to making furry enthusiasts really horny. Despite being on the wrong end of one of Darth Vader’s attacks earlier, he survived and roughed up the scavengers before C3PO could further reinforce his reputation as a robot pussy. It’s very satisfying. Chewbacca is like Groot with a blaster and he’s more huggable. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, I imagine that counts for a lot.

That’s one problem solved, but Han and Leia still have plenty others that are more pressing. An AT-AT might be a badass Imperial weapon, but it’s a big fucking target and the Imperial have a lot of guns. Plus, they’re in the middle of a fucking weapons factory. Like trying to rob a gun store, they’re playing with a stacked deck. Luke is learning that the hard way too, but he’s in something that’s way more maneuverable than an AT-AT. The problem is he’s also in a fucking weapon’s factory. That means the Storm Troopers have land speeders too. The only advantage he has going for him is that Storm Troopers crash in weapons factories as easily as they do on Endor.

The action is intense and well-paced. The tension of the situation is beautifully vivid. It’s not the same climactic battle scene against the Death Star, but it isn’t intended to be. This is about the Rebels trying to kick the Empire when it’s down. So far, they’re doing a hell of a job and looking pretty damn awesome while doing it. This is the kind of epic space battles that made Star Wars awesome and George Lucas filthy fucking rich. Whether it’s 1977 or 2015, it’s awesome.

Han and Leia might have some big guns on their side with an AT-AT. But big guns don’t mean jack shit when the other side has Darth fucking Vader. He’s still pissed about the Rebels and in dire need of avenging the destruction of the Death Star. Since the Imperials are taking too long with their fancy weapons, Darth Vader decides to do it himself. They’ve got an AT-AT. He’s got a light sabre and the Force. Sounds like a fair fight.

And Darth Vader usually wins those fair fights in ways that don’t seem fair. He already found out that the Imperials were useful for something in that they stopped the meltdown of the factory’s core. That means the Rebels’ attack will amount to no more than a few puke stains on a frat house wall, which is way better than burning the whole fucking house down. He tells Chewy that they’re in deep shit and they need the Millennium Falcon. They’ll probably need more than that because Vader is able to clip one of the legs of the AT-AT, proving once again that the Imperials have a strange fetish for building weaknesses into their badass weapons.

It makes for another obscenely badass moment for Darth Vader. An entire army of Storm Troopers armed with tanks and cannons couldn’t bring down an AT-AT. But Darth Vader, armed only with a light sabre and a complete disregard for Imperial property, is able to take it down. This is not the same Anakin Skywalker that was utterly pussified in the prequels. This isn’t even the same Darth Vader that tried to get his son to join him. This is just a badass Sith Lord looking to fuck up his enemies as only a badass Sith Lord can do. He couldn’t have re-established his badassery any better without choking a Gungan.

The destruction of the AT-AT puts Han, Leia, and the slaves they freed at a huge disadvantage. They’re all forced to dust themselves off, get out of the wrecked vehicle, and outrun a pissed off Darth Vader with an army of Storm Troopers at his back. It’s a day that couldn’t be made worse without a visit from the IRS. Darth Vader even makes clear that there will be no prisoners this time. They’re overstocked on body bags and they’re looking to fill them with Rebels.

Luke manages to finally catch up before Darth Vader gets there. He’s able to give Han and Leia some room to escape while he takes one last shot at condemning the Imperial’s little frat house. Leia is against it, but Luke doesn’t listen. I guess he hasn’t been with Disney long enough to respect a princess’ authority. So he decides to go after the core. The problem is Darth Vader senses this and decides to go after him as well. It’s still not as bad as being chased by the IRS, but it’s right up there.

Another epic chase follows, carrying many of the same elements as the epic Death Star run. Darth Vader is chasing Luke, who is on his own to deliver the killing blow. Vader tries to shoot him down while he tries to stay on course. It might not be on the same scale, but fuck if it doesn’t exude the same awesome. There’s plenty of shooting, plenty of destruction, and plenty of Imperial assholes getting caught in the crossfire. So it has something for everyone to enjoy.

Even with Darth Vader jacking a ship and trying to shoot him down, Luke manages to get to the core and take it out with the land speeder. He doesn’t need to use the Force this time. He just needs to have a reckless disregard for Imperial property. That in and of itself doesn’t make it a great feat. What makes this feat truly meaningful is that he leaves the exploding facility feeling saddened, thinking he isn’t the Jedi his father was. Keep in mind, he still doesn’t know his father was a badass Jedi who ended up becoming a Sith Lord. As far as he’s concerned, he just pissed away an opportunity to honor his memory. That shit means something. It’s like pissing away an opportunity to make out with a hot cheerleader at a party. It’s something a lot of men end up regretting.

While blowing up the factory officially made the mission a success, they still need to get their asses off the planet and out of Imperial territory. And they have to do it in a Millennium Falcon that C3PO let a bunch of scavengers fuck up. Luke manages to meet up with Han, Leia, and the prisoners on the ship. They then take off just in time to confront a fleet of Star Destroyers. Since they don’t have any other weapons to hijack, they decide to make a run for it. They’re content with the damage they’ve done for one day and make the jump to light speed. Leia even manages to bust Han’s balls a bit because that shit hasn’t gotten old yet.

So the Rebels escape, but Darth Vader survives once again. In fact, he barely has a scratch. Compared to blowing up the Death Star, blowing a factory counts only as a minor rectal itch. But beyond the destruction, Darth Vader comes to an important conclusion that will later play out in the Empire Strikes Back. He figures out that Luke is the last hope for the rebellion and Obi Wan was trying to protect him. It’s an important realization and one that will eventually cost him and Luke a hand. It also helps give even more meaning to a conflict that has had so much.

So Han, Luke, Leia, and the rebels win the day. They freed a bunch of Imperial slaves, blew up one of their factories, and survived an encounter with Darth Vader. By rebel standards, it’s the equivalent of winning a football game and then having a three-way with a couple of cheerleaders afterwards. It’s still bittersweet for Luke, who is a long ways away from being the last hope of the rebellion. But he’s still a rookie. Even Peyton Manning sucked as a rookie.

But his whining isn’t just typical self-pity. While this battle is over, another conflict is already unfolding back on Luke’s home planet. And it involves the now-abandoned house of Obi-Wan Kanobi. Not much is revealed, but after the epic struggle that just transpired I’m not sure my heart or my penis could take anymore. It sets up some interesting possibilities. I’ll need to catch my breath for them, but I think it’s safe to say this was a good day for a galaxy that needed it.

Let me just say this because it needs to be said. To all the bitter Star Wars fans who still can’t get over the fact they actually paid to see Attack of the Clones that didn’t like this story on principle...fuck off. I get that the Star Wars brand took a Jar Jar sized shit as a result of the prequels. I really do. But that didn’t destroy the brand entirely. More than anything else, this issue re-established everything that makes Star Wars awesome. In addition, it added something meaningful to the mythos by exploring this underdeveloped period in the saga. And it turned out to be very meaningful.

Han and Leia are still a long ways from bumping uglies, but that spark of chemistry still showed. Luke is still a long ways away from being the Jedi that beat Darth Vader, despite losing a hand. But he showed that he’s still on that righteous path. And Darth Vader shows that he can still kick ass on a galactic scale. It doesn’t matter if someone saw the first movie 10 times back in the 1970s or just bought the whole set on Blu-Ray. This issue gives everyone a reason to squee like Ron Swanson at a bacon-eating contest. It’s the rebels battling the Empire while C-3PO acts like a pussy. It’s Luke Skywalker fighting Darth Vader on his path to becoming a Jedi. Star Wars fans, this is as good as it gets without Leia in a chain bikini. Embrace it. I give Star Wars #3 a 10 out of 10 and my highest recommendation. The Force truly is strong with this one. It brings tears to my eyes and various other fluids from my dick, but in the best possible way. Nuff said!