Sexy Side-Project "The Red Queen Chronicles: The Divine" is LIVE!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I started writing sexy side-projects, it’s that fans want their favorite characters to hook up with all sorts of characters. It doesn’t matter that it’s ridiculously non-canon. It doesn’t matter that it would never happen in the books either. Fans just love seeing certain characters get sexier than they’re allowed to be.

Since I started my “New Red Queen” series, I’ve gotten all sorts of suggestions for sexy hook-ups. Given that Mary Jane Watson, with all her amazing sex appeal, is at the center of the story, I expected to get plenty lurid requests for her. However, I didn’t expect to get so many for another fiery redhead, namely Jean Grey.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised, given all the uncut scenes I’ve done with her in my X-men Supreme series. After the events of “The Red Queen Chronicles: The Phoenix,” though, I’ve opened the proverbial floodgates. I’ve effectively unshackled Jean Grey-Summers from the traditional confines that has kept her fully clothed for too damn long. Apparently, there are a lot of Jean Grey fans who have been waiting for this sort of thing. Surprised or not, I’m going to run with it.

That’s why I’m proud to announce another sexy side-project of the most uncanny kind. It involves Jean Grey hooking up with someone she rarely encounters in the comics and being unapologetically sexy about it. She married Cyclops and flirted with Wolverine, but now that she’s the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club, she’s going to set her sights higher. By that, I mean she’s looking for some truly divine sexiness from someone who just happens to have a big movie coming out.

Yes, I’m referring to the God of Thunder himself, Thor. He and Jean Grey have rarely shared a scene together in the comics, but that doesn’t matter in the world of the Red Queen Chronicles. Through this ambitious, but straightforward one-shot, these two characters you didn’t know you wanted to see hook up are going to get frisky. If this doesn’t get you excited for both the “Thor: Ragnarok” movie or “X-men: Dark Phoenix,” I don’t know what will.

The Red Queen Chronicles: The Divine

As always, I encourage everyone to provide feedback and leave comments. I can’t promise I’ll pursue every sexy suggestion, whether it involves Jean Grey, Mary Jane Watson, or Squirrel Girl. I’m always open to new ideas, though, especially the sexy kind.

A Most Worthy Milestone: The Mighty Thor #700

The following is my review of The Mighty Thor #700, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Whenever a comic reaches a major milestone, it seems obligated to do something big, flashy, and groundbreaking. More often than not, that can be more obstacle than opportunity. Obligation or not, these kinds of upheavals in a story cannot and should not be forced. That doesn't stop some from trying, but that also ensures the results will be mixed. That's exactly what makes The Mighty Thor #700 one of the most intriguing milestone issues of the past decade.

There's no need to force anything here. Jason Aaron has all the necessary pieces in place. What began several years ago in the final issue of Original Sin is set to culminate in The Mighty Thor #700. The concept of worthiness is now far beyond tired arguments of whether the Hulk, Superman, or Squirrel Girl can lift Mjolnir. It isn't just some mystical McGuffin meant to frustrate Thor, Odin, and all of Asgard, although it can come off as such.

Aaron often walks a fine line with Thor, one side being controversy and the other being contrivances. Jane Foster being Thor and wielding Mjolnir blurs that line to an extent that still bothers a certain segment of fans. However, even those fans can't deny the dramatic overtones that The Mighty Thor has conjured since Original Sin. It isn't just about a god struggling with unworthiness. It's about a dying mortal woman wielding the power of a god, knowing she's got little time left.

That time is exceedingly limited and The Mighty Thor #700 adds even more urgency for Jane Foster to make every swing of Mjolnir count. She's not the only one either. For a 50-page milestone issue, Aaron goes for broke by getting every corner of Thor's world involved and does so with an all-star cast of artists that includes the likes of Russell Dauterman, Walter Simonson, Oliver Copiel, and many more. That includes the past, present, and potential future of Asgard, Midgard, and everything in between. It's ambitious, but a worthy ambition befitting of any magic hammer.

There's a glut of material that touches on nearly every major player in Thor's world, from another major clash with Malekith to destructive fight with She-Hulk to a brief interlude with Frog Thor. All cards, including a few that haven't been played in a while, are on the table. They're all part of the same gamble to link every part of Thor's world into a singular conflict. That gamble doesn't necessarily hit the jackpot, but it does pay out in a lot of ways.

Despite all the many elements that find their way into The Mighty Thor #700, there are a few major connections to tie them together, some more so than others. Aaron digs deeper into the mythological foundations of Norse Mythology, literally to some extent, by setting the stage in Nornkeep. It gets even more literal as actual threads of fate start weaving various Thor-centered stories across the realms and across time.

These broad, diverse stories give a chance for every artist employed in this milestone issue to maximize their talent. Some utilize different themes, touching on the future of Thor and what lays in store for all those whose lives revolve around magic hammers. Others unfold in the present, which build on threads from previous issues leading up to The Mighty Thor #700. Some are colorful asides that don't add much to the overall plot, but belabor all things Thor in a way that feels necessary in an oversized issue.

This is where some of the ambition ends up overplaying the plot. Even though the connection of each plot has ties to the events in Nornkeep, those connections aren't always clear or concise. Some are so loose that it's hard to make sense of the role they play in the larger narrative. In addition, the scale of that narrative covers so many times, places, and hammer-centered battles that some end up feeling rushed. Even Jane Foster's battle against She-Hulk doesn't get the kind of elaborate smashing that most battles involving Hulk and Thor require.

Even with connections that are weak and rushed, at times, the direction of the story never gets derailed. Even after Frog Thor provides a little comic relief, the destination of each plot becomes clear. The conflict that begins in Nornkeep is set to spread through every realm, involving the likes of Maliketh, Loki, War Thor, and any number of divine forces that have been hit by Mjolnir one time too many. In that sense, the ambition serves to make The Mighty Thor #700 feel as epic as it needs to.

The worth of any milestone issue is measured in its ability to encompass the past, present, and future of a story. Given the size and scope of the story Aaron tells, The Mighty Thor #700 checks all the necessary boxes. There's a general sense, as well as a major teaser at one point, that the future of Thor is poised for upheaval. Jane Foster's battle with Hulks, gods, monsters, and cancer is about to culminate. Odinson is about to confront his agonizing unworthiness. Frog Thor is going to wade through some puddles. Everyone in Thor's world is poised to have their moment.

Ultimately, that's the most important aspect of any milestone issue. It should act like a catalyst and not an endpoint. It doesn't have to be a full-blown movie trailer, complete with heavy voice-overs and messy editing. It just has to make the journey thus far feel meaningful while making the journey ahead that much more appealing.

It may not have the loud explosions, coupled with heavy metal music, but The Mighty Thor #700 is plenty appealing in all the right ways. Worthiness may still be a hopelessly esoteric concept that fans will be arguing over on message boards for another 700 issues, but this one proves its worth, as only a Thor comic can.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Hammering Hard With Worthy Themes: Generations Unworthy Thor & The Mighty Thor #1

The following is my review of Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of who is truly worthy is Marvel's ultimate philosophical McGuffin. It's one of those ideas that can be endlessly debated, argued, twisted, and misconstrued in any number of ways. It's also a major driving force for Thor in nearly every era. From Walter Simonson to Jason Aaron, his struggle to be worthy, stay worthy, and understand what makes him worthy is part of what makes Thor's story compelling.

In terms of major turning points in that story, few are as pivotal as the events that played out in Original Sin. In that story, Thor becomes unworthy with just three words whispered by Nick Fury. It doesn't just upend Thor's idea of worthiness and the story around it. It opens the door for a new Thor with a new understanding of what it means to be worthy.

This is where Jane Foster's story enters the picture and that story is built on a very different foundation. She is not a god, a demigod, or anyone who would ever be mistaken as one. She is a moral woman who also happens to be suffering from one of the most debilitating diseases any mortal can endure. Her ascension to the title of Thor is one of the most significant shifts in Thor's story in decades. There are times when it breathes new life into the world of Thor. There are other times when it triggers incessant whining about identity politics. The fact that Jason Aaron manages to balance that narrative in any capacity is nothing short of astounding.

Now, through Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, Aaron has a chance to build bridges between that vast philosophical gulf between one era of worthiness and another. It may not end the constant whining about female heroes taking on the mantle of male heroes, but it does flesh out the core elements of the Thor mythos that are as relevant today as they are in the ancient times before angry arguments on internet message boards.

Unlike some of the previous narratives in Marvel Generations, there are clearer connections between the events in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 and the conclusion of Secret Empire. Those connections are few and somewhat vague, but their presence helps create an important context between the past and present. Jane Foster isn't so much the catalyst as she is the unexpected guest, who helps bring clarity to the hopelessly unclear concept of worthiness.

While her role in the story cannot change the path of Odinson, it can provide guidance. Granted, it's a guidance he will undermine with his arrogance on many occasions in the future, but it still offers clarity to the narrative while giving Odinson fewer excuses. In a sense, what happens in the story gives the impression that he was destined to lose Mjolnir at some point, even without any devious whispers of Nick Fury. It's just an inevitable consequence of the arrogance that comes with being Thor and with being a god, in general.

The substance of that story isn't very novel in that it builds on a story that has been explored before in the pages of Uncanny Avengers. Once again, the son of Odin clashes with Apocalypse in an era before the Avengers can assemble and before the X-men can astonish. It's basic and crude, but it provides the necessary setting for the arrogant young Asgardian to learn a lesson or two about divinity and mortality.

The fact he learns it from a mortal woman wielding the hammer he craves provides both personality and entertainment value. It'll also provide more fodder for internet debates, but that doesn't derail the main thrust of the story. It's the setting that's vital here in that it takes place in a time before Odinson first lifted Mjolnir or taken the title of Thor. In this time, he's still the divine equivalent of a teenager who hasn't gotten his driver's license yet, but still wants to take his father's car out for a joyride.

While it annoys Odin to no end, it puts the future Thor in a position to ditch some boring formal gathering of gods to pick a fight on Midgard between Vikings and Apocalypse's Clan Akkaba. Given that formal gathering prohibits mead and mostly involves Odin bellowing orders, it's hard to blame a juvenile Odinson for ditching it.

It's only when he meets a time-displaced Jane Foster that his casual deviance becomes an important learning experience for both of them. The fact that experience also involves an elaborate, violent, lightning-filled battle against Apocalypse that brings out the best in Mahmud Asrar's art is a nice bonus. It just isn't a very memorable experience for any generation of Thor if there isn't some epic battle to fight.

That fight, as entertaining as it is, remains secondary for the most part. The primary struggle still revolves around Odinson's desire to be worthy and Jane Foster's lingering uncertainty about her future. It's a struggle that both characters have a stake in, but one that has limited influence on both characters. While Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 makes the necessary effort to explore those classic themes of worthiness that is so critical to Thor's mythos, the extent to which it impacts the characters involved is somewhat minor.

This is an issue that shows up in previous issues of Marvel Generations, but a limited impact doesn't mean there can't be heavy drama. The potential for that drama is there in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, but not much of it is realized. Jane Foster and the future Thor do get a moment to interact outside of a major battle, but little comes of it. Both still gain critical insight, though. Both are in a better position to make decisions about the course of their immortal and mortal lives alike. It's not dramatic, but it does make the overall story feel complete.

That story even includes a few bonus parts that make Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 a prelude to other critical events in the past and future. It offers intrigue beyond the basic lessons in worthiness, which is something that previous issues of Marvel Generations has not done. It adds value to a story that can only offer so much before it undermines the hopelessly convoluted, ever-evolving timeline that is the Marvel universe. That value may not make anyone inherently worthy of lifting Mjolnir, but it will put them on the right track.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Worth Within Unworthiness: The Unworthy Thor #1

The following is my review of The Unworthy Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Discussions over who is worthy and what constitutes worthiness in the first place is one of those topics that has consumed generations of Avengers fans. Go to any Avengers message board or comic book convention and chances are, there will be some people arguing what it means to be worthy, why Hulk can't lift Thor's hammer, and how someone could get around this rule.

This discussion even found its way into Avengers: Age of Ultron in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It's clear that even Joss Whedon gets caught up in these discussions. He just has the resources and financial backing to turn it into a billion-dollar cinematic spectacle. Jason Aaron doesn't have those kinds of resources, but he did add a twist to the discussion when he made Thor Odinson unworthy to wield Mjolnir after the events of Original Sin.

That twist led to Jane Foster taking up the mantle of Thor. Her story is still one that is evolving in a way that continues the discussion over worthiness down a new path. However, Thor Odinson remains on a very different path and that's the path that The Unworthy Thor #1 explores. It has the feel of a story that's been brewing behind the scenes, but is only now ready to be served. It still feels late, overdue, and a little frustrating.

Despite this, it never feels stale. At a time when Jane Foster is flexing her worthiness like Namor at a beach, that's a remarkable accomplishment. Since becoming unworthy in Original Sin, Odinson carries himself less like a champion of Asgard and more like a whiny teenager who had his cell phone taken away. Aaron makes it a point to abandon that sentiment early, giving us an Odinson that is much more motivated and much less mopey.

The Unworthy Thor #1 puts Odinson right in the middle of brutal battle against the kinds of monsters he used to tear through on a boring Sunday afternoon. It doesn't just hit the ground running in terms of action, giving Oliver Copiel ample opportunity to create appropriately brutal visuals. It establishes that this former God of Thunder is learning the hard way what it means to be unworthy. He can't rely on his hammer or any enchanted weapon to carry him through a battle. He has to take a gut punches and blows to the jaw before he can think about the celebratory mead.

It's not just that he's unworthy of wielding Mjolnir. He's a weaker, more jaded Odinson who doesn't have the same power or ability he once did. He's already lost one of his arms. This means he has to fight that much harder to avoid losing more limbs. It helps bring out a different side of his character, one devoid of the nobility, poise, and bravado that once defined him. He actually resorts to biting his enemies now. That's as unworthy as it gets in battle.

Odinson definitely wields more drive and ambition. He's still not the same Thor that Chris Hemsworth did so much to bring to life in the movies, but we do see traces of that proud warrior throughout the narrative. That narrative isn't just restricted to brutal fighting with occasional biting either. Jason Aaron shifts the sequence of events around to add further context and this context actually goes a long way towards giving weight to the brutality.

Since Jane Foster picked up Mjolnir, the events of Original Sin and Secret Wars have been afterthoughts at best. There's just too much of an imperative to show why Jane Foster is so worthy of wielding the title of Thor. That's entirely understandable. It still leaves Odinson with little to work with.

By revisiting the site where he became unworthy, Aaron sets up an appropriate reunion between him and the new Watcher, who calls himself the Unseen. We still know him as Nick Fury, namely the one David Hasselhoff failed to turn into a viable movie franchise, but that only makes this connection all the more fitting. By having him be the one that gives Odinson a chance at being worthy again, it feels like an overdue continuation of the aftermath of Original Sin. Again, it's a story that feels late and overdue, but it never comes off as stale.

This sentiment helps make The Unworthy Thor #1 feel relevant in that it gives Odinson some badly-needed development that he hasn't gotten since he lost his hammer. It also makes this narrative feel somewhat disconnected and not just because Jane Foster is literally stealing his thunder. It feels like this story took too long to set up. Events like Original Sin and Secret Wars have been over for a while now. Reconnecting with those events at this point feel outdated.

Even if the timing is off, the narrative is still compelling. Jason Aaron still gives us a side of Odinson that is genuine and sincere. This is a character who lost a lot more than his favorite weapon. He lost a title and an identity. Now, he finally has the motivation and opportunity to follow a new path. This path doesn't require those same discussions of worthiness that make for such great fodder in the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. It's uncharted territory for Odinson, but he's forging ahead and it's hard not to root for him.

Overall, The Unworthy Thor #1 creates a narrative that has the right impact. It gives us a former God of Thunder who has to fight harder and cope with being weaker than he's ever been before. It brings out some of his less noble traits, but he still carries himself like a warrior. He gets a chance to become more worthy and he jumps at that chance, if only to ensure he doesn't have to bite his enemies anymore.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Thor's Identity REVEALED! **SPOILERS***

Every now and then, I come across a spoiler I just have to share. And this is one that I think definitely warrants an extra bottle of whiskey, but for a good reason. Tomorrow, Thor #8 comes out and this issue promises to reveal the identity of the new lady Thor. But since we live in the internet age where a dick pick from any public figure becomes a scandal within an hour, it's impossible to keep that shit a secret. So of course it's going to leak.

Now I could go on a number of drunken rants about the new Thor, but it wouldn't be a very long one. This is one of those rare occasions where I really can't get drunk enough to give Marvel shit for this. They didn't do what they did with Spider-Man in Ultimate. They didn't kill off the original and replace him. Instead, Marvel kept the original Thor alive and had him develop on a different path. That left the title of Thor free for someone else to develop. That means this new Thor could grow on her own and establish herself on her own path. What a concept, right? Well now we know who she is and fuck, they got it right.

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That's right! It's Jane Foster! That's right, the woman that Natalie Portman made smart, sexy, and awesome is the new Thor. Whoever can get drunk enough to bitch about this is probably in need of a liver transplant by the time I finish typing this sentence. It couldn't be a more worthy selection. For the past few years now, Jane Foster has become somewhat of an afterthought in Odinson's story. She's been sick with cancer and hasn't been able to do much. As Thor, she can make the most of the time she has left. How can that be anything other than awesome? It's like the ultimate Make a Wish Foundation request. Before cancer claims her, she's going to kick as much ass as she can. That by default makes her more worthy to wield Thor's hammer than anyone.

It also opens the door to another tantalizing possibility. Thor 3 is still in the works. Could this be a prelude? Could this mean that Jane Foster might don the hammer and we'll get to see Natalie Portman decked out as Thor? I can dream and so can my penis. I'm hoping the penises of all those involved in Thor 3 are on the same page. There may be many butt-hurt fans still bitching about what happened with Black Widow in Avengers: Age of Ultron. But all will be forgiven if they can make Natalie Portman the new Thor. Nuff said!

Heavenly Beginnings: Angela: Asgard's Assassin #1

The following is my review of Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In this era of reboots, recons, and remakes, it often feels as though the bar for success is exceedingly low. These days, most fans will consider any remake that doesn’t dump burning napalm on their childhoods a success. It’s like every remake is a plane that’s always about to crash. It can only work if those involved can walk away alive. Even the successes, such as J. J. Abramas’ Star Trek, feel like flukes rather than accomplishments. Failures such as Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tend to be the norm.

These are the circumstances in which Marvel had to remake Angela, a character who is not at all native to their universe. She was an established character in Spawn. She had her own history and her own place in that world. But thanks to negotiations with Todd MacFarlane’s lawyers, which may or may not have included a deal with Mephisto, Marvel gained the right and the opportunity to incorporate her into the Marvel Universe. It has taken them a while to make good on that opportunity. At times, it has taken too long. But now Angela has a place in the Marvel Universe and Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1 makes it akin to the hot new club in town.

Make no mistake. This Angela is not the same Angela from Spawn. She has the same name. She has the same look. She has the same knack for slaying unholy monsters in ways befitting of any Angel of Death. But she is a different character. This issue attempts to build on what was established with Angela from the aftermath of Age of Ultron and Original Sin. While the results probably won’t satisfy those who enjoyed following her in Spawn, it does plenty to make her worthy of being in a universe where she can arm-wrestle Thanos and Dr. Doom.

The development of her character has been somewhat slow since Age of Ultron. It wasn’t until Original Sin that Angela established a more definitive place in the Marvel Universe, being the lost sister of Thor and raised in the Tenth Realm of Heven. This issue does build on the aftermath of this revelation. It even explores the personal impact it has on Angela. However, that impact is secondary. No matter what universe she’s in, she’s still Angela. She’ll find a way to be a badass, monster-slaying Angel of Death in any universe.

This is what brings her remote backwater portion of the universe reminiscent of Mos Eisley on Tatooine. She’s fresh off the disturbing revelations of her heritage and looking to take it out on someone. She puts herself in a perfect position to do so. She arrives with a stolen baby in her arms and plenty of angry monsters chasing after her and not the kind from Child Protective Services either. They attempt to attack her. Angela makes them wish they hadn’t. There’s absolutely nothing about her actions that’s out of character. This may even be her way of coping with the revelations of her Asgardian heritage. It’s not exactly the healthiest kind of therapy, but it works for her.

Angela’s ability and prowess in battle ends up being the central theme to the story. She does not fight the same way as She-Hulk, Black Widow, Catwoman, or Wonder Woman. She’s not some overly sexualized vixen who hides the impracticality of fighting in stiletto heels. She’s not overtly masculinized and she’s not completely devoid of sex appeal either. Angela fights with a style all her own. It’s a style that’s visceral, focused, and right at home in a universe where giant green monsters and killer robots are the norm.

This unique style helps give the story some flavor. It’s not just another case of a beautiful woman beating up monsters like a superpowered slasher movie. It gives Angela a unique appeal among male and female characters alike. And in a market flushed with powerful female characters like Storm and Captain Marvel, that in and of itself is an accomplishment. However, it isn’t just her fighting that makes Angela appealing. It’s her motivations that help her stand out and not necessarily in a heroic sort of way.

While Angela is fighting, her friend, Sera, gives a brief anecdote about why she does what she does. She may be Asgardian now, but she still sees herself as an angel. And angels in the Marvel Universe are anything by heavenly. They’re more like loan sharks and debt collectors for the mob. Angela’s motto is, “Nothing is for nothing.” Every act, including something as basic as saving a baby from a crashed spaceship, incurs a debt. And anyone who ever took out a student loan understands the dangers of debt

It sounds like the way Tony Soprano would operate and not an angel, but Angela still comes off as much more likable. Sure, she’s okay with wacking those who can’t pay, but she won’t take pleasure in it. She won’t be unreasonable about it. She’ll give others multiple chances. If they choose not to take them, then she will dish out Columbian Neckties with her sword. It’s not as cruel as it sounds, but it’s every bit as unheroic as it sounds.

This overview of how Angela operates provides great insight into her character. However, the insight does cause the story to drag considerably. Given how long and tedious it has been to get Angela to this point, it certainly tempers the impact. However, there is a major payoff in the end when it’s revealed whose baby she took and why monsters are coming after her. It leads right into a conflict that feels like a natural outgrowth from Original Sin. It feels like an investment that has finally paid off and without the need for insider trading.

There are many ways Angela can contribute to the Marvel universe. She’s shown she can be part of a team. She’s also shown she can fit into the overly convoluted history of the Marvel Universe. Now, Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1 shows that she can hold her own and do things her way. There will still be Spawn fans that refuse to accept that, but that’s their problem. It isn’t the perfect template on which to recast an established character. At the very least, it’s a blueprint for actually making it good and not just avoiding a horrible crash.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Angela Asgards Assassin #1

Beautiful redheaded women in the Marvel universe are like big-breasted blondes to Hugh Hefner. There can never be enough of them. Between Jean Grey, Black Widow, and Mary Jane Watson, I think every heterosexual man with a functioning penis would agree. So when Marvel’s lawyers pulled off a miracle with Todd MacFarlane (which I’m convinced involved someone getting blown more than once) to get the rights to Angela, I was all for it. Since she arrived at the end of Age of Ultron, her character and her whole story is being reimagined. Some have bitched and moaned about it, as they are prone to do about damn near everything.

But Marvel has found a way to incorporate Angela into their world while maintaining everything that makes her awesome. She’s a killer, badass angel of vengeance who likes to show off her washboard stomach and snap necks, often in that order. She also happens to be the sister of Thor from a previously-unknown tenth realm, but that’s beside the point. Angela is now part of the Marvel universe. Deal with it. Now she has her own series to help her find a place in that universe. Angela Asgard’s Assassin #1 is the first step in that process. After Original Sin, it’s probably not going to make her any more comfortable. However, I’m sure plenty of readers will find a reason to bitch and moan about it anyways.

As for Angela herself, she has way more legitimate reasons to complain. She just found out that she’s an Asgardian, who just happen to be the sworn enemies of angels. Now the angels who raised her hate her guts and she did plenty to make Asgardians hate her as well during Original Sin. I’m not going to say she’s completely blameless, but she certainly went out of her way to piss a lot of very powerful beings off. Maybe that’s just how she rolls. Not going to say it’s worthy of a rap video, but she’s definitely taking the hard road.

Now that shoe knows who and what she is, she’s basically off on her own. Heven hates her. Asgard hates her. So what does she do? Go out drinking with Dracula and arm wrestle the Hulk? Maybe that’s on her to-do list, but she still has shit to do. This leads her to some stereotypical mystical land that looks like a lost level in World of Warcraft. She’s carrying what looks like a baby, but it could be baby dragon for all we know. There’s some nice narration to recap what she’s gone through and how rough she’s had it lately. But this doesn’t stop her from walking right into another shit storm.

When she arrives, she’s greeted by an army of orcs that look like leftovers from Lord of the Rings. They welcome her to the Un-Town, which sounds like a bad Disney ride. She makes it clear she’s not interested in rides or waiting in line for the last Hobbit movie. She’s here looking for a friend. After all the bridges she burned and spat on in Original Sin, it’s hard to believe Angela has any friends. But she does. This one’s name is Sera. She’s like her in that she loves wearing badass armor and beating up those who think they’re stronger than her. It’s not entirely clear why Angela wanted to find her. I don’t get the impression they’re planning a spa day or something. But there is a reason for it and it’s usually safe to assume it involves something or someone that needs to be killed.

Low and behold, that’s exactly what happens. Angela reveals that she didn’t stumble across this fucked up version of an old western town on acid by accident. She was actually running from something and it wasn’t child protective services. It was actually scarier, but not as scary as the IRS. It was a horde of horse-riding demonic creatures that must have also been rejects from World of Warcraft. They apparently didn’t like Angela holding that baby and they’re not going to wait until she gets her own episode of Hardcopy to make her pay. There’s still not much in terms of details regarding this baby or why these creatures want to fight Angela. I’m assuming they don’t have a death wish, but I try to be careful with my assumptions. One accidental encounter with a transvestite hooker taught me that lesson.

Whatever their reasons, these creatures also learn the hard way it’s not smart to piss off Angela. They try to fight her and she fights back, albeit much more effectively. It’s brutal, visceral, and nicely detailed. It’s not overly bloody. It’s not overly gratuitous. It’s not even overly sexy, but it’s just sexy enough to put a smile on my face and a boner in my pants. It’s the perfect balance in that it shows the kind of fighter Angela is and what she’s capable of. She’s not the Hulk. She’s not Black Widow. She’s fucking Angela and she kicks ass her way.

As much fun as it is to see her kick ass, there are still plenty of blanks that need to be filled in here. Anybody who skipped Original Sin or is too drunk to remember it might be confused, but would probably be content to just follow one long story of her eviscerating orcs. However, this isn’t how the story unfolds. There actually is an effort to explain why Angela is doing this and it might even explain where that baby came from. For all we know, it’s still a dragon or the last discounted iPad from a Black Friday sale.

This is where Sera starts to narrate, which makes sense because Angela is busy decapitating orcs. She explains that Angela was out troving the galaxy, looking for work. I imagine she was trying to stay busy, as many often do after they’ve had a real shitty couple of days, like finding out she was the daughter of Odin. This led her to a crashed transport on some backwater alien planet that looks nothing like Tattoine. In the wreckage, she found an infant had survived. She saved it, but along the way Sera makes clear that she doesn’t do this out of the goodness of her heart. She still considers herself and angel and angels in the Marvel Universe are less about salvation and more about making the kinds of deals the mafia likes to make. Saving this child puts it in debt to her and like Joe Pesci in Casino, she intends to collect and she’s not afraid to use a baseball bat if necessary. “Nothing is for nothing,” is her motto. I’m pretty sure that’s also the motto for Goldman Sachs too.

To be fair, she demonstrates a lot more ethics than Goldman Sachs or the mafia ever does. She finds the infant a home on this world. She even tells its adopted parents who she is and makes clear that this kid is to know who she is. She just found out how much it sucks keeping secrets about an infant’s heritage. She’s going to spare this kid that torment. Like I said, she isn’t without ethics. She’s not the fucking DEA.

But eventually, a day comes when she returns to collect her debt. Angela returns to this world when she finds out her friend Sera has been taken prisoner. The infant she saved has since grown into a king. He’s not exactly a Game of Thrones caliber king and his throne is really shitty by comparison. But he comes off as fair and reasonable when he argues that Sera is guilty of crimes against his people. So even though Angela offers to forgive his debt by letting her go, he refuses. Angela begs with him. She asks him nicely multiple times. He still refuses. At that point, Angela channels her inner Joe Pesci and collects on the debt and her sword is way more effective than a baseball bat.

It’s cruel and not very heroic. But that’s part of what makes this moment so powerful. It shows that Angela does have a code of honor, but that code isn’t very honorable by some standards. She will kill those she has compassion for. She will be brutal when she has to. She’s not a big believer in altruism either. She’ll either balance out the debts or she’ll spill enough blood until the universe balances it for her. She doesn’t take sadistic pleasure in it though. She actually provided funds and resources to the kingdom to help maintain stability after the king’s death. At this point, they know to accept Angela’s terms. She is not someone they want to piss off.

Sera makes clear that this is the core of who Angela is and why she does what she does. She collects debts. She balances out imbalances. And from time to time, she shows a sense of loyalty to her friends. She’s not going to get emotional about it. She’s only ever going to get pissed when someone or something gets in their way. It’s makes her unique in how she operates. She’s not a villain. She’s not all that heroic either. Then again, the Avengers still have the Hulk on their team. So maybe the standards for heroics should be graded on a curve here.

After Sera is done recounting her history with Angela and why she does what she does, we finally get back to more immediate concerns. At this point, those concerns seem secondary. The whole flashback was like an extended halftime show of sorts. It was fun, but it kind of fucked up the rest of the football game. By now, Angela has finished maiming all the orcs. That really shouldn’t surprise anyone. Then Sera reminds her that if she was followed to the Un-Town, she’s probably being watched and not in the creepy gym-teacher-in-the-girls-locker-room sort of way.

Whoever or whatever was watching her figures out quickly that sending orcs after her ain’t going to get the job done. So instead, she gets a visit from another menacing threat. This time it’s from Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three. That’s like going from Hydra drones to Dr. Doom’s A-team. It promises to make for a much messier and more epic battle. To this point, the story was starting to drag, having spent so much time just establishing Angela as a character. But the arrival of the Asgardians, especially after the shit storm in Original Sin, definitely gets things back on track in a way rivaled only a line of top quality blow.

But that’s not the only thing that gets the story back on track in the most awesome way possible. Remember that baby and/or dragon Angela was carrying? Well it turns out, it was actually a baby. If that sounds like a letdown, take another bong hit. That baby happens to be the new heir to Asgard. When and how this new baby was born is not explained, but that’s really not the main concern here. More than anything else, it gives Thor and all of Asgard another very good reason to battle Angela. It’s the kind of family conflict that would impress Jerry Springer himself. It couldn’t be more awesome without midget strippers being involved.

This issue, more than anything else, establishes the method to Angela’s badassery in the Marvel universe. She’s not exactly an angel. She’s not exactly an Asgardian either. She’s more like a cross between She-Hulk, Jean Grey, and Tony Soprano. She’s strong enough to take on an army of monsters and beat the everloving shit out of them with only her fists and a lousy mood. She’s loyal and compassionate to those she considers friends. But at the end of the day, she’s all about business. Owe her something and she will collect. Deny her and she will kill and she won’t hesitate. She’s not some Catwoman-level femme fatal who thinks latex and stiletto heels function as a combat uniform. She’s not some butch, barely feminine agent of destruction who appeals only to lesbians and feminazis. She does have sex appeal, but it’s not the overly overt kind found in every Victoria’s Secret catalog ever made.

Angela is very much her own character. She’s not quite a hero. She’s not quite a villain. She’s in a category all her own and that makes her both sympathetic, but just enough of a bitch to be badass. It took a while to establish this persona and this comic moved way too damn slowly at times to make readers give a damn. But in the end, it still worked. That’s why I give Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1 an 8 out of 10. There will be some Spawn fans are still going to be pissed off. There will be some Marvel fans are going to be pissed off. But short of a gallon of morphine and extensive electro-shock therapy, I doubt these fans would ever be satisfied so fuck them. Nuff said!

Worthy of Unworthiness: Thor #1

The following is my review of Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of being worthy is as ambiguous as the concept of being weird. In the same way the concept of being weird breaks down considerably at a Marilyn Manson concert, the concept of being worthy breaks down when the standards become skewed. Since worthiness is the main basis by which Thor is able to wield his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, its standards are often undefined. This may or may not be on purpose because defining such an ambiguous term is like trying to nail pudding to a tree. Its very nature alone makes it impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely without substance.

That substance is the driving force of the story within Thor #1. The main concept of this re-launched title was already spoiled when Marvel announced that Thor would become a woman. The nuts and bolts of this concept still need to be screwed into place. The events of Original Sin did plenty to skew the standards of worthiness, almost as much as the NSA skews the standards of legality.

With one little whisper, the contents of which remain a mystery, Thor is no longer worthy to wield Mjolnir and a good chunk of this story is spent lamenting about it. That’s not to say he acts like a child that just lost his favorite teddy bear. The very idea that he is no longer worthy is more damaging than no longer having the most awesome hammer in the universe that isn’t used to smash watermelons. It creates a tense and somewhat solemn narrative for him and the other Asgardians, who are just as confounded by Thor’s inability to lift his hammer. It calls into question their own understanding of what it means to be worthy, further adding to the ambiguity.

That ambiguity is downright frustrating at times because the concept of worthiness is now somehow so skewed that even Odin, the man responsible for using worthiness as the sole criterion for wielding Mjolnir, cannot lift it. That would be like Donald Trump not being allowed to fire anybody. It’s a major blow that sends a major message. The problem is that the ambiguity of that message limits its impact.

The only real substance offered by this new crisis of unworthiness comes from a threat that’s completely unrelated to it. While everyone else is struggling to understand what worthiness even means, Malekith launches an invasion at some underwater facility with an arm of Frost Giants. It’s as generic and plain as a threat Thor can face without including corn flakes and vanilla ice cream, but it’s a threat that creates the most meaningful impact because it demonstrates just how unworthy Thor has become.

Armed with his hammer, Thor can usually handle Malekith and Frost Giants with ease and still have plenty of energy to snuggle with Natalie Portman. This time, he might as well be fighting a pack of hungry wolves with a feather duster. He tries to compensate by attacking with an ax, but that ax is no Mjolnir. The battle isn’t too lopsided, but Thor’s unworthiness is still on full display for all to see. He’s sloppy, he’s unfocused, and he’s overmatched. He’s essentially become this year’s version of the Oakland Raiders. If he can’t handle Malekith and a few Frost Giants, then his season is as lost as the Raiders.

This is the most powerful message of the story, revealing the extent of Thor’s unworthiness. While the concept remains painfully ambiguous, it’s at least slightly clearer why Thor is no longer fit to be wielding it. If Mjolnir were a judge on American Idol, Thor would have been one of those contestants that left the stage in tears. However, this message is only powerful to the extent that the battle with Malekith forced it. The generic nature of this threat, which basically amounts to Malekith seeking something he and his Dark Elf buddies lost long ago, makes it too easy to gloss over. It still serves its purpose, but it’s still the least compelling part of this story.

The intent of this story isn’t to just shock the world into revealing that Thor is now a woman. Its purpose is to establish just how unworthy Thor and the other Asgardians have become. In this, the story succeeds, even though it does little to clarify the whole concept of unworthiness. Like the concept of weirdness, it’s one of those things that will remain forever undefined. It isn’t until the end where the woman now worthy enough to wield Mjolnir shows up and demonstrates her worthiness. But unlike Thor’s defeat, it lacks the same impact.

This woman basically acts as one of those shadowy figures that show up in every spy movie, not revealing her identity or even hinting who she might be. She just shows up on the moon, grabs the hammer, and just like that she’s Thor. It’s conveyed as one of those ongoing mysteries that won’t be resolved in the beginning. While this does offer intrigue, it doesn’t give many reasons to really care much about this character or even understand why they’re more worthy than Thor or Odin. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a woman. She could just as easily be just some random guy and it would have the same impact.

That’s not to say the impact isn’t meaningful. The mystery-woman says it herself. The world needs a Thor. It doesn’t matter if a man or woman has that title. A hammer doesn’t care which body parts its wielder has, only that it can hit the nails at the right angle. That takes away from the whole novelty of Thor now being a woman, but it doesn’t take away from the more tragic themes explored in this book. Thor struggling with his unworthiness helps make the story in Thor #1 compelling. The new woman who becomes Thor might as well be an afterthought. It might not make this story completely unworthy. But like grading a test on a curve, it still skews the concept as a whole.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Secrets No Longer Buried: Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1

The following is my review of Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In every major conspiracy theory involving the United States government, there’s one key factor that ensures that every conspiracy inevitably fails. Simply put, human beings are terrible at keeping secrets. This holds especially true in this day and age where any major leak that can be revealed in under 140 characters is exposed with uncanny ease. Even before the age of social media, the powers that be couldn’t even cover up the Watergate scandal. And if any major power can’t cover that up, what hope do they have of covering up something bigger?

For actual gods, however, the capacity for keeping secrets is considerably greater. Gods don’t have to worry about nosy press or renegade bloggers. They have the kinds of powers that the FCC only dreams of. But the events of Original Sin have revealed that even gods aren’t immune to whistleblowers. The death of the Watcher and the revelations of his many observations have had the impact of a billion Edward Snowdens. Among those revelations include some very distressing details regarding Thor’s family life. But this isn’t one of those secrets that involve a god siring one too many demigods. This involves the kind of censorship that erased an entire realm from existence. It’s like a divine version of the Kennedy assassination, except this one actually happened.

Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 deal directly with the impact this revelation has on Thor. The release of all the Watcher’s secrets showed him that he has a sister and that there’s a tenth realm his father never told him about. It’s the kind of revelation that has been lacking in other parts of Original Sin in that it really does shake up the entire foundation for certain characters. For most of his history, Thor’s world has been pretty solid. He knows who his parents are, who his family is, and the nature of the world they inhabit. This completely undermines all of that, setting the stage for the kind of family upheaval usually reserved for Opera.

In addition to shaking up Thor’s world, it also firmly integrates Angela’s history with the greater Marvel universe, completely detaching her from the world of Spawn. This might not sit well with some because it makes her an entirely different character on many levels, but the process laid out in this story does so in a way that still feels genuine. She’s still Angela. She still has all the same qualities and attributes. Her circumstances are simply different. The same applies to the Tenth Realm. This isn’t the world of Spawn. This is the Marvel universe and now Angela has her own unique place in it.

This also means that Angela’s origins are considerably different. Her life, and the role of Heaven, is built around war and tragedy, two themes that have often been part of Angela’s persona. On paper, it sounds outrageous that Odin would have a daughter born before Thor and an entire realm had been severed from the rest of Asgard. But as the history of this tragedy unfold, it feels appropriate and not overly contrived. The extent of this tragedy actually warrants the isolation of an entire realm and the utter censorship of Angela’s existence. Unlike the Richard Nixons of the world, it isn’t done out of paranoia or greed either. These acts were born from the pain and anger created from overwhelming loss. Odin and Freya’s heartache is palpable under the weight of the truth. They don’t come off less as gods and more as heart-broken parents.

There are so many emotional undertones throughout this striking revelation. It inspires Thor to seek out his lost sister and find the Tenth Realm, even if it means teaming up with Loki. However, some of those emotional undertones are lost in some of the ongoing side-plots involving Loki. They act as a distraction at times to the main narrative, which is the revelation about Angela and the Tenth Realm. However, this does not take away from the weight of that narrative. There are so many potential ramifications for Asgard and the Nine Realms. Thor and Loki are just beginning to explore those ramifications. What remains unclear, however, is how this fits into the greater narrative created by Original Sin.

This event as a whole has branched off into many different stories involving revelations surrounding many different characters. This has led many of the tie-in stories to become more detached from main story and Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 is no exception. Thor literally just ditches the rest of the Avengers after he finds out about Angela and the Tenth Realm. There’s no strategy to his actions. He just leaves. While it’s understandable that he would seek to understand these revelations, it essentially takes him away from a conflict that hasn’t been resolved. It’s one thing to fight other battles in a larger conflict. It’s quite another to just ditch that run away from that conflict when things are still exploding. That’s like Peyton Manning walking out of a football game in the middle of the second quarter.

Even if this tie-in is only minimally concise with Original Sin as a whole, it certainly delivers the impact that was intended for this event. Aside from a few distractions, the events of Original Sin: Thor and Loki #1 send Thor and Loki on a path to directly confront these dark secret that have been suppressed for so long. What makes these secrets all the more remarkable is that they’re presented in a way that give no indication that Marvel only recently acquired the rights to Angela. It’s a seamless dark revelation, if ever there was one. Most revelations from powerful authorities aren’t nearly this smooth, which is only a further testament to how secrets at any level can have an impact.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Fear Itself #7 - Fearless Awesome

Get yourself a spare pair of underwear, Marvel fans! The end has come on yet another Earth-shattering saga. Yes, I know that Marvel routinely blows up their world more times than Rick Perry in a presidential debate. Say what you will about it as a shameless marking ploy, but when the stories are awesome who gives a damn? Civil War was awesome. Second Coming was awesome. World War Hulk was awesome. Even if you make an ass of yourself hyping the event, so long as they're good then ass yourself to death! Fear itself is the latest event/ploy/whatever you want to call it. Marvel has made a big deal out of this story, building up the anticipation like a man's first trip to a strip club. For the last six issues it has delivered Fear Itself has been the kind of oversized, explosive, and just plain over-the-top story that will bring a tear to your eye while making your dick hard enough to joust with. But it isn't complete yet. I can't put this event on the same level as Civil War and Second Coming until the end is upon us.

Now when I say a lot has happened, that's not the same as me saying I got a little tipsy last night. The six issues of Fear Itself has spanned the entire Marvel universe. The Serpent arose from centuries of being pissed off at Odin for beating him for the title of All-Father. He distributed an array of magic hammers to form an army of Asgardian thugs that he's used to terrorize the whole freakin' planet. As the fear grows, he gets stronger. He went from looking like Betty White's snatch to a pre-crazy Mel Gibson. He put Thor, Captain America, and the rest of the Avengers on the ropes. He killed Bucky Barnes and broke Captain America's shield. Now he's gathered his army of brutes in the ruins of Asgard in Brokton, Oklahoma where Captain America has assembled the Avengers for a final showdown. A lot of insane shit happened in between, but I'm too drunk to go over every detail. All you need to know is Captain America is leading every hero with the balls to fight against the Serpent to defend what's left of their overly fucked world.

It's basically an Alamo scenario for Captain America. His shield has been shattered. Everywhere around him has been blown to hell worse than downtown Tripoli. All the while the Serpent really doesn't seem to notice. He's more focused on drawing Odin out so he can pay him back for being locked at the bottom of the ocean for so damn long. All the heroes that are opposing him and the people he's terrorizing are just a mild rectal itch to him. He really hasn't been threatened that much since this whole fearfest began. He's come off as both overly powerful and overly douchy. Since this is the last issue, it's about damn time the man's balls get shoved back into his stomach in a completely no-gay way.

But just throwing themselves at the Serpent like they did before would be fucking stupid. He beat their asses worse than every gay S&M club in San Francisco before so they need a little something extra to guard their tenderized asses again. Enter Iron Man, much more sober and wielding his own Asgardian weapons courtesy of Odin's forge. Since it worked so well for the Serpent when he passed out his magical hammers, why shouldn't it work for the other side? Yeah, he's basically ripping the Serpent's idea off, but villains have been doing that shit to heroes for years. It's about damn time someone turned it back on them!

The Serpent remains unthreatened. He still has a hard-on for his brother in a completely non-incest sort of way. He's spent the last six issues trying to call Odin out so that he can take on the role that Odin won so unfairly. Never mind that he has to fill the world with destruction and fear. When it comes to sibling rivalries, pretty much anything is fair game. Sadly, I can see how this would happen between myself and my own siblings if we were gods. If we get pissed enough, then of course you're not going to care about unleashing unholy terror all over the world. It's your siblings fault for being such a douche!

It's heroes vs. god-powered supervillains. It's the kind of brawl you could put on pay-per-view, charge an exceedingly unreasonable fee, and still get plenty of people to watch. Yet at the same time, there's a distinctly human element that doesn't go unnoticed. While this super-powered brawl is going on, the people of Braxton are huddling together just hoping this shit ends before they tear the whole fucking world one too many assholes. Now these are not the kind of people that look good in spandex. These are normal people who most comic fans won't jerk off to. They look like real people, the kind you see driving by at rush hour or the kind you buy pot from. They all start getting sick of being so scared because let's face it, at some point you run out of ways to shit your pants.

Now this is one of the elements that makes Fear Itself so great. It takes time to focus on the effects these massive hero mash-ups have on real people. It's an element that often goes unnoticed in comics. There are ordinary people that actually live in the Marvel universe and their story often gets lost. So I'm glad Fear Itself has taken time to explore that element and not just rely on the senseless destruction, as awesome as that may be.

But if you're already bored by the added human element, you either have ADD or just care about watching superheros fight giant dragons. Now I won't criticize your tastes or lack thereof, but you're in luck! Thor, who has been in the thick of the battle for the past few issues, ends up fighting the Serpent in said dragon-like form. He already beat the shit out of Thor while looking like handsome body double for George Clooney. Why not do it as a real actual serpent? It sounds more practical than it really is, but it makes for some kick-ass visuals and it shows Thor doing what Odin was too chicken shit to do.

During this fight, Thor's hammer literally comes to Captain America's aid. Keep in mind Thor isn't using his hammer. He's using the Odinsword that was given to him in the last issue, once again revealing that Odin has a hell of an ego even for a god because he has to name all his shit after him. In addition, that ordinary guy that reminded the readers that Fear Itself affected real people shows up. While he may look like George Costanza from Sienfeld, he shows more balls than most readers ever will and helps Cap up. It's a great moment that shows the bystanders of the Marvel universe aren't just a bunch of cowardly pussies. They can actually be of help. Inspired by their ballsiness, Captain America takes on Thor's hammer and quickly finds out that it's way more effective than a gun.

What follows next are the kinds of fight scene spreads that makes Marvel fans jizz in their pants. We don't just get gods fighting mortals armed with godly weapons. We also get Sin and her Nazi robots. Because you just can't have a battle like this without Nazi robots! It has every heavy hitter in the Marvel universe taking a stab at the Serpent's forces. Unlike last time, he can't just brush them off the same way Brad Pitt brushes off the panties countless women throw at him. It's over-the-top, it's excessive, and it's very basic. Yet it's still amazingly awesome. That's really all you can say about it.

In the midst of this battle some remarkable changes begin to take place. While Earth's Mightiest Heroes are fighting back against the Serpent, Earth's not-so-mighty heroes are doing their part. We start seeing broadcasts of rescues and stories that are won't make the average joe shit themselves. Why is this important? Well aside from it being part of that human element I mentioned earlier, the event is called Fear Itself, remember? The reason the Serpent is so damn strong is because he feeds on fear. Well when people stop feeling that fear, those massive balls of his start to shrivel.

Now all those Agardian-powered assholes start getting served parts of their own asses for a change. It doesn't just come from nowhere. There's actually a sense that there is a turning point, which can often go overlooked in a big event like this. I admit I expected Matt Fraction to gloss over smaller details like this. He has a track record of doing so in other comics, but he avoided it here. For that I applaud him. It's the little things that separate good comics from the truly awesome comics that rob me of my hard earned money and soils so many perfectly good pairs of underwear. But it's worth it!

So the Serpent is finally weakening, the heroes and non-heroes alike are showing some backbone, and Thor is taking on the Serpent with the kind of brazen attitude you would expect of any god. Finally, Odin decides to join in. Given how late it is in the conflict, this just seems random in addition to being a dick move. Seriously, he couldn't have sent his massive armies to stem the tide of this onslaught when it was just getting bad? Wouldn't that have gone a long ways towards alleviating all the fear that drove the Serpent in the first place? Just after it seemed Matt Fraction was putting all those smaller details together, this one just seems off. I tried wrapping my head around it, but I ran out of weed. Odin is simply without excuse here. Given what was just shown on how the fuck with the Serpent, all the action of the past few issues just seems unnecessary because Odin could have helped put a stop to it in the beginning. It's the first time I've seen an egregious inconsistency in Fear Itself. There are any number of ways it could have been spun, but this just feels like it's missing an important detail.

Now I would say it's better late than never that Odin shows up with an army of Asgardian's behind him, but this is one instance where that's just pure bullshit. Because as soon as Odin gives the order, Thor delivers the finishing blow to the Serpent. It's an awesome moment, one that demonstrates Thor's true badassery. He did what his father should've (and definitely could've) done. He drives the Odinsword right between the Serpent's eyes. With the fear dwindling and an army bearing down on him, the Serpent can't shake this shit off. Yet Odin's forces don't even get to fire a single shot. There's being fashionably late and then there's just being late. Even in a comic, being this late is just fucked up.

As the Serpent falls, all his hammer-wielding minions start to fall. Their weapons and their fear-fueled mojo starts to dwindle. Odin helps throw a little dirt on the fire, but the flames are already out. It just seems unnecessary at this point. Even Thor's fellow Asgardians seem to feel pissed that they're so late to the game because they don't arrive in time to help Thor. So now it's not just Odin that's a dick. All of Asgard is a dick because they didn't do shit to help out in this victory. It was all the heroes of Earth, the people, and Thor for giving his father the finger and disobeying him. It adds to the feeling that they really could have done more at an earlier time and made a difference. It was just Odin being an ass and fucking stupid that prevented them.

His price for being such a dick? His son dies. That's right. In striking down the Serpent, Thor dies. I know. I had the same WTF reaction. Thor wasn't wounded. He wasn't hurt. The Serpent didn't even say he was going to take his ass with him to the end. Yet somehow he just dies in the spectacle? For a series that has been so solid and adding method to the madness, it's not so much a shocker as it is a "Really? They actually did this?" moment. Just as Odin's final entry into the battle, this just seems so needless. There's no reason for this to happen aside from forcing some emotion into the story that really wasn't necessary. It feels as though plenty more could have been done if Thor was still alive. Instead he's just killed to prove once again that Odin was a massive dick-cheese, as if we needed any more reasons in this story.

Now a death in an event like this isn't completely uncalled for. Hell, they killed Bucky (again) earlier in the story. At least his death did have some merit to it. His death led Steve Rogers to become Captain America again. And he was actually wounded before he died. Here Thor is fighting the Serpent one moment and is dead the next. Marvel has handled deaths poorly before. While this isn't as egregious as they way they killed Jean Grey, it's still pretty lame. It takes what has been a truly awesome story and just makes it an "Aw! So close!" type moment. Very disappointing. Excuse me while I take a quick shot of vodka.

So the war that Odin had no excuse in letting get out of hand is over. In the ruins the Avengers prepare a funeral pyre for Thor. The emotions here are somewhat light, but I suppose the characters are just as jaded about the death as I am. Odin, in one last act of douche-baggery, isn't even present at his son's funeral. He's still standing over the body of the Serpent. So rather than stick around and apologize to everyone for allowing their world to be fucked six-thousand ways till next April, he takes the Serpent back to Asgard space and then seals it off. This not only strands the rest of the Asgardians back on Earth, it ensures that the Serpent is trapped. It's not a complete dick move, but if you don't think Odin is a complete ass after this what more does he have to do? Strangle a puppy?

So the funeral commences. We also get a shot of Buckey's funeral as well. Like Thor's death, it's somewhat glossed over. Iron Man also returns the weapons he made, which really doesn't seem to make sense because I have a hard time imagining that those wouldn't come in handy. On the plus side he does manage to fix Captain America's shield, albeit with a Liberty Bell style crack. It's not much, but it shows that this event will have more marks than just needless death. Captain America offers a nice speech to the Avengers and the rest of the world. It's your standard "Let's work together and repair" deal. Seeing as how it's only a matter of time before the world is attacked again, it seems rather redundant. That or the sense of needless deaths just further rob it from it's impact.

We do get one last shot of the George Costanza wannabe, the everyman that seems to represent the human touch of Fear Itself. He helps reinforce that element by offering help to other neighbors that are rebuilding. It's a nice touch that doesn't completely gloss over the deadpanned feeling of the ending. But it still works and it leads to a nice ending scene.

Now after the official end, there are some nice epilogues that cover characters like Sin and Hulk. However, they're really not all that important to how Fear Itself ends so I won't go over them. All they really do is just tie up some loose ends that really didn't need to be tied up in this issue. While it does make the issue feel bigger than it already is, the ending still falls flat. Given how amazing Fear Itself has been up to this final issue, it's a real let-down. It makes me feel like I need another drink, but then again I would probably feel that way no matter how it ended.

Now that this obscenely hyped event is over, I'm left with mixed feelings. I've enjoyed Fear Itself a great deal. It's been a wildly entertaining if not overly basic Marvel event. It doesn't have the same political undertones as Civil War or the same social undertones as Second Coming. Yet it succeeds in creating a vast, complex, coherent battle between the heroes of Marvel and a new villain. The build-up to Fear Itself was great. It followed the events of Siege and the story of Sin. However, the ending comes off as flat. While it feels complete, it also feels light on substance. We don't see at what point the fear stops gripping the people that have been fueling the Serpent. We really don't get a sense of why Odin no longer cares to let the Serpent butcher everyone on Earth. It feels as though he could have confronted the Serpent earlier and not a whole lot was done to change his mind. There was no method to his god-like madness. So when the Serpent is defeated it makes it seem as though this event was longer than it needed to be.

What really hurts this ending is the way in which it killed Thor. Now I know Marvel has made killing major characters a huge selling point for years now. They killed Johnny Storm. They killed Ultimate Peter Parker. It hasn't been the first time that Thor has gone KIA, but the way he died in this story just felt too flat. It was the same problem for Bucky. It wasn't completely callous, but it just felt hallow in the end. I'm not arguing that Thor shouldn't have died. I just think it could have been given more impact. It feels like cheap vodka that only gets you partially drunk while tasting bitter. The death doesn't completely kill the issue or the ending, but it certainly doesn't help either. Regardless of whether or not this death sticks, it is still lacking as an honorable comic book death should. We can make all the jokes we want about comic characters dying and coming back, but the key is and always has been the story surrounding those characters. It doesn't matter if they're killed or revived. If they story lacks impact, it really doesn't matter.

That's not to say this isn't a good comic. The battle between the Serpent and Marvel's massive legion of heroes was a sight to behold. Matt Fraction did a great job making this issue and all of Fear Itself the spectacle it was meant to be. The dialog is solid. He avoids writing anything that can be made into a bad internet meme, but nothing really sticks out either. The sheer breadth of the events and the story as a whole was very nicely done. Fear Itself really feels like a story that involved the entire Marvel universe. And getting ordinary people involved was a nice personal touch.

I was ready to christen Fear Itself the best Marvel event of the last decade. I was ready to make that bold claim and tattoo it on my forehead. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to cancel my appointment with the barber and the tattoo artist. Fear Itself is great both in the beginning and for much of the middle, but the end just falls flat. It's not a complete disappointment, but it's not a case study in comic book awesome either. It is what it is, a half-full bottle of booze that won't get you completely high but will still get you plenty of buzz. I give Fear Itself #7 a 3 out of 5. I would give the whole series a 3.5 or 4 out of 5 depending on how drunk I am. Marvel did a great job with this story, but like Tony Romo in the clutch it fell short in the big game. It's still an awesome series and I would recommend it to anyone as a starting point if you're just getting into Marvel comics. In terms of events, let's just say I'm already looking forward to the next overhyped story that Marvel has in their back pocket. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #3 - Unamerican Awesome

Before I begin this review, let me start by saying I'm still a high after the announcement by DC Comics. There's just something wonderful about news that some of your favorite comics are being relaunched and given day-and-date digital release. It's almost as effective as a line of blow mixed with ecstasy. The prospect of a new era in DC almost overshadows what Marvel is doing using the old publishing methods that the interweb is putting out of business. But whether it's on paper or my new iphone, awesome comics are awesome comics and Fear Itself has been pretty awesome so far.

Marvel will have to put it's fingers in it's ears and sing Lady Gaga songs if they want to stay focused on this story. It is still billed as the biggest event of the year for Marvel and so far it has delivered. In just two issues, the story is doing some far-reaching damage. It's almost like when Tiger Woods admits he's banging a new porn star, but with more explosions. The Serpent, who Odin was kind enough to bury at the bottom of a fucking ocean, is back and he's pissed. In the last issue he triggered a new wave of hammers similar to Thor's to fall from the sky. From there, others such as the Hulk, Juggernaut, and Absorbing man picked them up and became hos while Serpent became their pimp. If that weren't enough, the Red Skull's daughter, Sin, unleashed a full on attack on Washington DC using killer Nazi robots. It's as awesome as it sounds, no more no less.

The last issue was great in that it set the stage for a much bigger battle and then fired the first shots of that battle in the last few pages. Now this issue picks up from that battle, showing Captain America (the non-Steve Rogers version) leading the Avengers into battle. You might call it a bit cliched. Captain America fighting Nazi killer robots and the daughter of his greatest enemy sounds like a story that's been done before. It doesn't make the battle any less intense. There's plenty of room for terrified civilians to run around shitting their pants. That whole fear concept doesn't really seem to play out any different than it would if this story was just called Giant Nazi Robots and Pissed Off Gods. It's just what you want it to be and that's it.

The fight takes on a more personal touch with Cap (again, the non-Steve Rogers version) and Sin. They're basically legacies trying to finish what their predecessor's couldn't. Bucky has the advantage of the courage, training, and shield of Steve Rogers. However, Sin has the full power of the Serpent behind her. That's like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. When they clash, it's not too surprising who hits harder. Bucky still fights admirably, but he might as well be fighting with a fly swatter.

While the world is getting fucked ten ways past the red light district in Amsterdam, Thor is in the slammer after he dared to question the firmness of his father's balls. The god of thunder is now the god of time-out. But he's not the only one who thinks Odin's balls have gotten too jagged for the cheap underwear he buys. Loki of all people uses one of this classic steaks-laced-with-sedative trick to knock the guards out. I used that same trick to get out of a few college exams with my professors. So I like Loki's tastes, although as the god of mischief I expect more from him. For some reason he has a problem with Odin taking a flamethrower to Earth. He probably doesn't want to lose all the people he loves to fuck with so much so he tells Thor that something has to be done and for once bullshitting him (or so it seems).

If family issues bore you more than a 7:00 am Economics class, a battle between Hulks tends to keep you awake. In the last issue, Bruce and Betty were working on their marriage and their anger issues that caused them to become raging monsters (not unlike me and my ex-girlfriend). Then Bruce became one of the Serpent's mindless minions, which is a little oxymoronic because Hulk was pretty mindless to begin with. So Red She-Hulk has to play hero for once and save people from her hubby's rampage. This is quite a change for anyone who has read her in the ongoing Hulks book where her sole desire is to have fun, look hot doing it, and force men to find creative ways to hide their boners. I've yet to discover one myself, but then I stopped hiding boners when I realized it kept me from pissing myself when I'm drunk.

Instead of channeling her inner Tanya Harding, Betty summons Tina Turner and tries to get through to Bruce. For a moment it looks like she's successful. It's a powerful moment because this is the first time someone seems to have resisted the Serpent's control. The hoes are trying to beat back the pimp. It's short lived though because the Avengers arrive and start attacking him. It's not shown how effective it is, but it shows that the Avengers can also have some piss poor timing.

This battle offers a nice variation from the beat-em-up that's been unfolding for most of the book. Betty and Bruce's relationship has been pretty rocky in the Hulk books. It's not clear when in the timeline this takes place, but then again the timeline in all comic continuity is so fucked that there are more holes than dicks to stick in them. So whenever it happens, it still offers a nice insight into Bruce and Betty's relationship. Their roles are reversed in that Betty now has to try and tame Hulk instead of obsessing over how hot she looks.

While some are trying to fight the Serpents growing army of superpowered hos, others are trying to study it. In New York City, Reed Richards and his FF (not the Fantastic Four anymore since Johnny bit the big one) are analyzing one of the unclaimed hammers. Now it's worth remembering that this guy is supposed to be one of the smartest men in the Marvel universe. He probably knows that everyone who picked up one of these hammers became a rampaging asshole. So when he suggests that Thing try and move it, it ranks right up there with the spiked dildo as the worst idea ever. The moment Thing grabs it, he joins Serpent's army. When he starts laying waste to New York City, it's hard to be surprised. I'm not saying Reed should be smarter than this, but seriously. George W. Bush would have given that plan more thought.

Thing's predicament sucks, now the victim of Reed's stupidity. Just as Thor's predicament sucks, having been a victim of Odin's douche-baggery. Having been sprung from his time out, he joins with Sif and his Asgardian buddies to figure out their next move. They all seem to agree that Odin is being a holy caliber dick. They also seem to agree that they're shit out of ideas. Before they can even brainstorm anything, Odin shows up. If they actually thought they could keep Thor's escape from the All-Father, then they might as well have shot themselves in the ass to begin with. It would have been just as productive.

Odin tries to make excuses. He uses the same tricks that child abusers, wife beaters, and OJ Simpson use. He claims that he's protecting Asgard and his children from a prophecy. He doesn't go into details, but at least he's making an effort to not be a massive tool. The Serpent genuinely scares the shit out of him and his son doesn't seem to understand that. Odin must be smart enough to realize that rationalizing with punk kids is like trying to take a shit upside down. It's bound to get messy. So when Thor refuses to stand by while Earth suffers, Odin essentially throws his hands up and casts Thor back to Earth with his hammer. It's not sure if he's just teaching him a lesson or giving up. Either way, it's putting Thor back into play.

It's another break from the action in that it highlights the family drama between Odin and Thor. In a way, Odin is in a no-win situation. He knows he can't convince Thor to see things his way. He doesn't understand and maybe he can't. So rather than fight him or punish him, he throws him back into the destruction on Earth. It could be a lesson or it could be a shitty parenting move. Either way, it's divine mix of family conflict that has helped give Fear Itself a personal touch.

Thor's return is probably necessary because pretty much everyone is getting their asses handed to them on an Asgardian platter. In Washington DC where Sin is parading around like an Asgardian hooker, she bloodied Bucky to a point where he looks like a kid who just suffered an atomic wedgie. Black Widow and Falcon try to be the voice of reason, saying that maybe evacuating and regrouping would be a good idea. That doesn't fly with Bucky. Unlike Steve Rogers, he's more balls than tactician. As far as he's concerned, retreating from Washington DC is like admitting your dick is too short. He's too proud for that.

He puts up his best fight. Against the daughter of the Red Skull armed with Asgardian mojo, he might as well be trying perform open heart surgery with a spoon. Sin is too pissed to let that old American spirit from Captain America bring her down. The constitution is no match for an Asgardian hammer. She lays into him with a light show that even Chris Angel may admire if he could stop banging Las Vegas hookers for more than ten minutes. Sin doesn't just bloody Bucky. She rips one of his fucking arms off. I'll repeat that. She rips a fucking arm off! Granted, it's a mechanical arm. It's still pretty bloody. It would be even more powerful if he put up more of a fight, but it's one of the few scenes in this issue that leaves a decent impact.

Now having your arm ripped off will definitely fuck up your day. Bucky is in bad shape. The American spirit can do a lot, but it can't heal you when you get your arm ripped off. All the democracy in the world won't take the place of a skilled ER surgeon. The only positive here is that now Bucky knows who they're dealing with. It seems like a lot of discomfort to endure just to find out who's fucking the world over. He end scene implies that he's dying. That's not too surprising given the beating he took. But then again, this isn't Steve Rogers. This is Bucky. He's been dead before and dead quite extensively. The image of him dying really doesn't hold much weight. Nor does simply knowing who they're up against. The readers already know that. It seems like there's not much point to this scene other than to show Bucky looking like someone who forgot to pay his cocaine dealer. It makes the situation a lot more dire. It's presented in an awesome way, but it's not going to blow your mind. Even snorting the ink fumes only goes so far.

It's a pretty dramatic ending. It doesn't feel quite as dramatic as it should though. Not long ago, Bucky Barnes was in the same league as Spider-Man's Uncle Ben as dead characters who would not be brought back. He was part of the anti-Jean Grey crowd. Well when he came back, it was quite a spectacle. That's part of what made it awesome. So when he gets his ass kicked and it looks like he's going to die, it doesn't hit with the same impact as one would expect. So Bucky is bloodied and battered. If he dies, well then he was dead for a long time anyways. If he doesn't, well that's okay too because he beat the odds. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea, but it does feel a little underhanded.

The other major battles don't do much in that they basically just showcase Serpents destruction. It makes for some great battle scenes, but not much progression in the story. The battle against Hulk had a nice personal touch with Betty. And having Thing become a new ho for Seprent's army of superpowered hos added yet another battle to the conflict, which is always a plus. Odin was still a dick to Thor and pretty much everyone else in Asgard. Not sure if that's a plus, but at least he's getting Thor back into the action hammer and all. Between all the hammers showing up in this story it feels like a big advertisement for MC Hammers comeback tour.

This issue had plenty of action. However, it lacked the impact of the previous issue. At the end of the last issue we saw this cloud of fear engulfing the entire world. In this issue that cloud didn't seem to do damn near anything. It looked as though the battle would have unfolded in pretty much the same way. What happened in the previous book didn't seem to affect this book all that much. Even if the fight scenes were nicely developed, their impact was limited. It's the first time in this Fear Itself story that I finished a book feeling underwhelmed. It's not bad, but I'm not grinding it up and snorting it with meth.

Fear Itself #3 continued the story, but not a whole lot. It set the stage for some interesting conflicts. It definitely makes the next issue worth picking up, but you may find yourself less excited than before. In that sense it does fall a bit short and I can't start making comparisons to boobs like I do when I'm high on a series. So for Fear Itself #3, I give it a 4 out of 5. You'll get everything you want, but nothing more. There's no bonus here. There's just a solid story that moves things along. It could be worse, but it could be a lot better as well. For an event like this the standards are a lot higher. There are still plenty of issues for Fear Itself to spray brain matter on the walls of every comic shop before DC's deal starts closing them. So for that it's still worth getting excited about. To pass the time, there's always DC's ongoing Flashpoint event. Nuff said!