Heart, Rebirth, and Vision: X-men: Red #1

The following is my review of X-men: Red #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When a hero dies and comes back to life, it tends to cause varying degrees of upheaval. For some characters, namely villains like the Joker or icons like Thor, the extent of that upheaval is limited because it's assumed rather than expected that they'll return. The only real upheaval involves how team lineups get reshuffled and how much it'll frustrate heroes like Batman. Heroes returning from the dead is so routine, at this point, that the dramatic impact is almost muted.

Routine or not, the return of Jean Grey after a 14-year death sentence warrants an exception. Few characters affect the entire X-men narrative with their presence or lack thereof. It's impossible to make sense of the major events surrounding the X-men over the past decade-and-a-half without understanding the influence of Jean Grey. Her death and subsequent absence affected the X-men in ways that went beyond any death, resurrection, clone, shape-shifting alien, or time traveler.

As such, her return carries with it the kind of upheaval that's rare in an era where everyone not named Uncle Ben is a candidate for resurrection. That upheaval is still unfolding. With the conclusion of Phoenix Resurrection, there are no more teases or jokes. Jean Grey is back and she's returning to a world that is so different from the one she left that it's difficult to imagine her finding a place in it. After 14 years of functioning without her, a couple superhero civil wars notwithstanding, Jean faces the prospect of finding a new place in this world.

X-men: Red #1 marks Jean's first steps into re-entering a world that has left her behind, but has still struggled in her absence. The state of the X-men is mixed at best and messy at worst, a common byproduct of having too many time travelers and clones. In a sense, the time is right for someone like Jean to come along and get the X-men back on track.

Tom Taylor and Mahmud Asrar set the stage for that effort, establishing a new narrative for her with a new team. The core mission of that narrative is pretty familiar for an X-men comic. It's very much a back-to-basics approach, focusing on the true underpinnings of Charles Xavier's dream of peaceful coexistence. That dream may seem even more remote these days with mutants fighting Inhumans and X-men fighting Avengers. However, that's exactly why Jean's approach is so refreshing.

She doesn't try to reinvent what it means to be an X-man. From the very beginning, she does what the X-men have been doing for 50 years, helping innocent mutants who victims of hate or injustice. Like Charles Xavier before her, she doesn't just stop at saving the day and humiliating anti-mutant lynch mobs. She actually goes out of her way to show compassion and understanding to both scared young mutants and their parents. It's the kind of love and heart that even Charles Xavier couldn't always convey, even when portrayed by Patrick Stewart's uncanny charm.

That personal touch, going out of her way to show an extra bit of compassion, is an element of Xavier's dream that has been notably lacking during Jean's 14-year absence. That's not to say it was completely gone, but there's only so much heart and compassion the X-men can manage when Emma Frost is the lead telepath. X-men Red #1 effectively reaffirms Jean's place as the heart and soul of the X-men. She plays that part well, but that's still only part of the underlying narrative.

In returning from the dead after such a long absence, Jean Grey is in a unique position to assess the X-men and their efforts at human/mutant peace. By not being around during M-Day, Avengers vs. X-men, or the conflict with the Inhumans, she can be more objective than most in judging the effectiveness of their efforts or lack thereof.

Beyond just saving a couple innocent mutants, Jean acknowledges the no-win situation that mutants often find themselves in when attempting to better their situation. When they ban together and create mutant havens like Utopia, they become bigger targets. When they try to live their lives as individuals, they just become easier targets for hate-fueled lynch mobs. In either situation, they're targets and there seems to be no way around it.

When she's not saving innocent mutants, Jean attempts to forge a new path that's somewhere in the middle. It's not enough to just help mutants one at a time. Like Cyclops and Charles Xavier before her, she attempts to give mutants a larger voice on the international stage. While that makes her a target too, it can't be any less nerve racking than being dead for 14 years so there's little doubt that Jean can handle it.

It's her ability to forge a new team of X-men who can help her pursue this vision that brings out the true strength of the narrative. In the same way she injects a little heart into saving innocent mutants, she does the same in recruiting other mutants like Nightcrawler and Namor to her cause. She doesn't approach it like a diplomat or the leader of a mutant army. She just presents her hopes and dreams for a better future for mutants, never talking down to them or acting as though she's right by default. That ends up being more effective, much to the chagrin of every Magneto fan.

That element of heart is a big part of what gives X-men Red #1 so much appeal. It's not just about Jean Grey being alive again and having a chance to contribute to the X-men. It's about infusing elements into the greater X-men narrative that have been missing during her long absence. Even though these are familiar elements to anyone who saw an X-men movie other than X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they still resonate on a personal level that gives the story dramatic weight.

That weight ends up being important, especially at the end when Jean's approach gets tested in a big, brutal way. Heart or no heart, X-men Red #1 still exists in a world of killer robots, evil clones, and potential Skrull agents. There will always be powerful forces looking to strain, wound, or even break the hearts of someone like Jean Grey. The end reveals a threat that is in a position to strain her more than most, but that only makes her efforts more critical.

X-men Red #1 presents a flawed world in which Jean Grey is in a unique position to help. More than anything else, it shows that she has plenty to contribute, despite her long absence. In fact, that same absence puts her in a better position than most. If there's a shortcoming to that concept, it's that the scope of the story too limited.

It feels like it skips some critical elements, like showing Jean adjusting to a world she hasn't been part of for over a decade. Her place in the over-arching narrative of X-men isn't really established and, with the exception of a couple characters, she doesn't get a chance to deepen her personal connections to her new team. Some just end up going along with her because she's Jean Grey. Granted, that's not a bad reason to follow her, given her history, but it can't be the only reason.

This doesn't detract from the core of the story, though. If the goal of X-men Red #1 is to re-establish Jean Grey's place in the X-men, then it succeeds. If part of that goal involves reminding everyone what the X-men stand for and why a little compassion goes a long way, even in the face of hate, then it succeeds in that effort too. Taylor and Asrar do plenty to forge a narrative that remind everybody why Jean Grey was so sorely missed. Hopefully, she gets a chance to explore to pursue that narrative without cosmic forces trying to kill her.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Hammering Hard With Worthy Themes: Generations Unworthy Thor & The Mighty Thor #1

The following is my review of Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of who is truly worthy is Marvel's ultimate philosophical McGuffin. It's one of those ideas that can be endlessly debated, argued, twisted, and misconstrued in any number of ways. It's also a major driving force for Thor in nearly every era. From Walter Simonson to Jason Aaron, his struggle to be worthy, stay worthy, and understand what makes him worthy is part of what makes Thor's story compelling.

In terms of major turning points in that story, few are as pivotal as the events that played out in Original Sin. In that story, Thor becomes unworthy with just three words whispered by Nick Fury. It doesn't just upend Thor's idea of worthiness and the story around it. It opens the door for a new Thor with a new understanding of what it means to be worthy.

This is where Jane Foster's story enters the picture and that story is built on a very different foundation. She is not a god, a demigod, or anyone who would ever be mistaken as one. She is a moral woman who also happens to be suffering from one of the most debilitating diseases any mortal can endure. Her ascension to the title of Thor is one of the most significant shifts in Thor's story in decades. There are times when it breathes new life into the world of Thor. There are other times when it triggers incessant whining about identity politics. The fact that Jason Aaron manages to balance that narrative in any capacity is nothing short of astounding.

Now, through Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, Aaron has a chance to build bridges between that vast philosophical gulf between one era of worthiness and another. It may not end the constant whining about female heroes taking on the mantle of male heroes, but it does flesh out the core elements of the Thor mythos that are as relevant today as they are in the ancient times before angry arguments on internet message boards.

Unlike some of the previous narratives in Marvel Generations, there are clearer connections between the events in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 and the conclusion of Secret Empire. Those connections are few and somewhat vague, but their presence helps create an important context between the past and present. Jane Foster isn't so much the catalyst as she is the unexpected guest, who helps bring clarity to the hopelessly unclear concept of worthiness.

While her role in the story cannot change the path of Odinson, it can provide guidance. Granted, it's a guidance he will undermine with his arrogance on many occasions in the future, but it still offers clarity to the narrative while giving Odinson fewer excuses. In a sense, what happens in the story gives the impression that he was destined to lose Mjolnir at some point, even without any devious whispers of Nick Fury. It's just an inevitable consequence of the arrogance that comes with being Thor and with being a god, in general.

The substance of that story isn't very novel in that it builds on a story that has been explored before in the pages of Uncanny Avengers. Once again, the son of Odin clashes with Apocalypse in an era before the Avengers can assemble and before the X-men can astonish. It's basic and crude, but it provides the necessary setting for the arrogant young Asgardian to learn a lesson or two about divinity and mortality.

The fact he learns it from a mortal woman wielding the hammer he craves provides both personality and entertainment value. It'll also provide more fodder for internet debates, but that doesn't derail the main thrust of the story. It's the setting that's vital here in that it takes place in a time before Odinson first lifted Mjolnir or taken the title of Thor. In this time, he's still the divine equivalent of a teenager who hasn't gotten his driver's license yet, but still wants to take his father's car out for a joyride.

While it annoys Odin to no end, it puts the future Thor in a position to ditch some boring formal gathering of gods to pick a fight on Midgard between Vikings and Apocalypse's Clan Akkaba. Given that formal gathering prohibits mead and mostly involves Odin bellowing orders, it's hard to blame a juvenile Odinson for ditching it.

It's only when he meets a time-displaced Jane Foster that his casual deviance becomes an important learning experience for both of them. The fact that experience also involves an elaborate, violent, lightning-filled battle against Apocalypse that brings out the best in Mahmud Asrar's art is a nice bonus. It just isn't a very memorable experience for any generation of Thor if there isn't some epic battle to fight.

That fight, as entertaining as it is, remains secondary for the most part. The primary struggle still revolves around Odinson's desire to be worthy and Jane Foster's lingering uncertainty about her future. It's a struggle that both characters have a stake in, but one that has limited influence on both characters. While Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 makes the necessary effort to explore those classic themes of worthiness that is so critical to Thor's mythos, the extent to which it impacts the characters involved is somewhat minor.

This is an issue that shows up in previous issues of Marvel Generations, but a limited impact doesn't mean there can't be heavy drama. The potential for that drama is there in Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1, but not much of it is realized. Jane Foster and the future Thor do get a moment to interact outside of a major battle, but little comes of it. Both still gain critical insight, though. Both are in a better position to make decisions about the course of their immortal and mortal lives alike. It's not dramatic, but it does make the overall story feel complete.

That story even includes a few bonus parts that make Generations: Unworthy Thor and The Mighty Thor #1 a prelude to other critical events in the past and future. It offers intrigue beyond the basic lessons in worthiness, which is something that previous issues of Marvel Generations has not done. It adds value to a story that can only offer so much before it undermines the hopelessly convoluted, ever-evolving timeline that is the Marvel universe. That value may not make anyone inherently worthy of lifting Mjolnir, but it will put them on the right track.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

A Familiar and Weaponized Narrative: Weapons of Mutant Destruction #1

The following is my review of Weapons of Mutant Destruction #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are some ideas that are just so wrought with failure that the mere act of entertaining them again is akin to giving Deadpool an unlimited supply of napalm. It's one thing to revamp and reconsider a failed idea. Sometimes, ideas are just too ahead of their time or not properly managed. Others, however, are akin to fixing a cracked windshield with a sledgehammer.

When it comes to ideas that fail in the most spectacularly destructive ways possible, the Weapon X program and the gamma experiments that made the Incredible Hulk are basically co-champions. These are experiments with simple, albeit devious goals. One seeks to create the ultimate living weapon. The other seeks to create an unstoppable monster that can be controlled and directed like a bomb that never stops going off.

They are weapons that anyone, be they the Avengers or Hydra, wouldn't mind having in their arsenal. When it comes to developing them, however, there sheer breadth of the failures are so staggering that even the most deranged James Bond villain wouldn't dare attempt them again. Even with the combined efforts of the Scarlet Witch and every good luck charm that ever existed, the odds just aren't in anyone's favor.

That's why the premise for Weapons of Mutant Destruction is akin to waiting for a demolition derby where every car is armed with a machine gun and a rocket launcher. Weapon X and all things gamma related have done enough damage to the Marvel universe to buy Hulkbuster armor for every man, woman, and child. Greg Pak and Mahmud Asrar believe there's still plenty of entertainment value in that level of destruction. Weapons of Mutant Destruction #1 shows that even if that value is there, making it compelling is a challenge that even heavy doses of gamma can't help.

The foundation of the story is built on ongoing stories unfolding in two of Pak's other books, Weapon X and Totally Awesome Hulk. From a structural standpoint, the transition is seamless. A narrative that begins in Weapon X #1 starts to culminate in Weapons of Mutant Destruction #1. The key, with respect to the actual substance of the story, is that the culmination only starts. It just doesn't go very far. It's akin to a drag racer that makes a lot of noise, but stalls just as the race commences.

That's not to say the ingredients are there. Pak makes it a point to give the conflict in Weapons of Mutant Destruction #1 larger implications that go beyond his own books. Mutant-killing living weapons, as overdone as they may be, still pose an existential threat to the rest of the X-men. The use of gamma power poses a similar threat to anyone still affiliated with the Hulk. Every character involved has a purpose and a clear motivation in the story. Nobody ever gets involved in a living weapons program for fun. Even Deadpool isn't that deranged.

As the story unfolds, though, there's a sense that it's trying to avoid the familiar tropes associated with conflicts built around living weapons. There's a lot of exposition, not all of which is necessary. There are some mystery elements, which are organic extensions of the events unfolding in Weapon X. However, the very fact they involve living weapons somewhat limits the mystery.

The obscenely poor and exceedingly violent track record of living weapons programs in Marvel Comics doesn't hint at any major twist. In an era where Skrull agents and Hydra agents are overused, twists like that are limited in terms of impact. There's never a sense that Weapons of Mutant Destruction is going to break new ground. It has mutant-killing cyborgs and gamma-powered monsters. For both the X-men and the Hulk, these kinds of stories are aren't exactly as rare as adamantium.

Even though the story has many familiar elements, Pak does manage to mix in some unique details along the way. Teaming Amadeus Cho up with the likes of Old Man Logan, Sabretooth, and Lady Deathstrike adds some much-needed novelty to the story. Unlike Bruce Banner, Cho is less experienced with smashing mutant-killing machines. At the very least, though, Pak gives him plenty of incentive to learn quickly and not hesitate.

At one point, Cho is a little disturbed at the brutality of living weapons programs. Considering how Lady Deathstrike and Old Man Logan barely bat an eye, that's pretty revealing in terms of how common these stories are and how inexperienced Cho still is as the Hulk. From his perspective, fighting mutant killing machines isn't something he does every other Monday like the X-men. His role creates some new dynamics that help make the story feel fresh to a limited extent.

That extent still isn't enough to make Weapons of Mutant Destruction more than the latest in a long line of living weapons programs that need to be smashed and/or stabbed with adamantium claws. The story's reliance on exposition, as well as its slow pace, isn't going to make anyone hulk out. With the way the events plays out, the story acts more as a teaser rather than a culmination. That kind of structure works when a story is breaking new ground. It doesn't work quite as well when it's relying on the kind of living weapons tropes that have played out any number of ways since the disco era.

The concept of Weapons of Mutant Destruction is still sound. The story is, by no means, bereft of value. By most measures, Pak's handling of the story is competent and concise. The characters are spot on and the plot never gets too convoluted. Asrar's artwork complements these efforts as well, creating the kinds of dark, sinister undertones that are to be expected with any story involving living weapons or anyone who has ever had to deal with Lady Deathstrike and Sabretooth.

There's something to be said about a story that's so familiar that nothing short of clowns and Cosmic Cubes can make it feel novel. The concept of living weapons in the Marvel Universe is still one that will make anyone who has ever had to clean up blood stains roll their eyes. It can still make for a fun story though. Like a cold beer for Wolverine, it's a familiar and comforting experience. There will always be a place for stories like that in Marvel.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

A Fan Among Heroes: All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1

The following is my review of All-New, All Different Avengers Annual #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The success of Deadpool proves there's a fertile market for a story that dares to be overly meta. It's not just about breaking the fourth wall or acknowledging the erratic sentiments of comic book message boards. The appeal of a meta-narrative acts as a mirror of sorts, reflecting the passions of fans, be they the healthy kinds and the not-so-healthy kinds.

Most fans agree that passions like Deadpool aren't exactly healthy. More often than not, they earn the same R-rating as his movie. That doesn't mean that a more PG-13 version of these passions is impossible. In fact, there's another character who embodies the best of these passions and doesn't need to make dirty jokes about it. That character, of course, is Kamala Khan.

There's a long list of reasons why Kamala Khan is such a lovable, endearing character. Chief among them is the fact that she's a fan. Before she becomes Ms. Marvel, she's just another passionate fangirl who loves superheroes and writes fan fiction . She is very much the embodiment of the passions of countless fans. That makes the setup in All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1 especially engaging because it offers insight into the fan fiction that reflects Kamala's passions for superheroes. That insight makes for a cartoonish yet uniquely entertaining narrative that inspires the fanboys and fangirls alike.

Some parts of that setup are built upon Ms. Marvel's current narrative. She's an Avenger now and rapidly ascending the ever-shifting hierarchy of the Marvel universe. She even manages to do it without time travel, clones, or someone dying. That alone is a testament to her strengths. Despite this, she is still a teenager and she is still woefully inexperienced. This means she constantly clashes with her teammates, especially her younger cohorts in Spider-Man and Nova.

This inexperience and immaturity, the foundation on which most teenage superheroes grow, makes her reaction to fan fiction stories about Ms. Marvel all the more entertaining. She can't be expected to just ignore the insanity that often manifests in fan fiction. She's a young hero who still isn't accustomed seeing her name associated with embarrassing, easily accessible media. After the events of  All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1, she'll likely need advice from Peter Parker.

The story is organized through several colorful, laughably cheesy stories written by multiple writers, including Mark Waid and G. Willow Wilson. They each act as a commentary of sorts on the colorful proclivities of fan fiction, such as tendencies to create bizarre romantic entanglements and making unpopular political statements. These stories never take themselves too seriously and aren't going to be confused with canon in this or any other universe. That's what gives them their charm.

It's because of that unique charm that these stories tend to evoke strong reactions. As some of these stories unfold, Kamala's reactions are almost as relevant as the story themselves. Take one story involving Ms. Marvel attaining the rank of Captain Marvel. At first, it plays out like a story that Kamala Khan would love. Then, an overtly politically incorrect twist at the end completely reverses her reaction. It's the kind of reversal that no competent editor will allow in a comic, but one that manifests all too easily in fan fiction.

Then, there's the story about She-Hulk and a love triangle. It's not a love triangle that would make it into an X-men movie, but it involves She-Hulk being woefully out-of-character in professing her love to a giant monster. It's as strange and entertaining as it sounds. It's also not-so-subtle commentary on the way love triangles play out, both in canon and in fan fiction. It doesn't take much to make them laughably absurd.

Despite this absurdity, it's the strange love story that involves Ms. Marvel, Miles Morales, and a world where everyone is an anthropomorphic animal that bothers Kamala the most. What makes this part of the story stand out is that, as quirky and cartoonish as it is, neither she nor Miles are completely out-of-character. It's another not-so-subtle comment about fan fiction. As crazy as it can be, it is possible for certain truisms to manifest within these absurdities.

These truisms play right into the meta themes of this story. In the end, Kamala Khan's sentiments are similar to those of fans. A few intriguing reveals at the end shows that she's not alone. It creates a larger message of sorts, one that implies that superheroes are aware of the quirky fandoms they inspire. Sometimes those quirks reveal genuine insight for these characters. It doesn't have to involve the bizarre quirks of fan fiction, but they do help get the point across.

For the most part, however, the quirky little stories in All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1 don't factor too heavily into Kamla Khan's reaction. Some are just pure entertainment value of the most absurd kind. At a time when Marvel is exploring the dire, depressing issues manifesting in Civil War II, this offers a nice reprieve, even if it doesn't tell a wholly cohesive story.

The lack of cohesion keeps the narrative from gaining any depth. In a story that explores the absurdities of fan fiction, there's only so much depth that's possible, but not much is realized outside a couple stories. Some of those stories may be quirky. Some are more forgettable than others. There's still undeniable entertainment value to be had. There's also an important message to convey.

The internet can and will annoy superheroes every bit as much as the villains they face. With All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1, Kamala Khan learns this the hard way. It's just one of many steps she'll have to take in her quest to become a better hero.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Living in a (Fleeting) Moment: All-New, All-Different Avengers #4

The following is my review of All-New, All-Different Avengers #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a reason why the YOLO (You Only Live Once) meme became annoying quicker than a failed American Idol audition. As a concept, it's not inherently wrong. Despite what some world religions might claim, we only know for certain that we have one life to live. In the Marvel Universe, however, the concept becomes a bit more flawed and a lot more complicated.

It's not just because death in comics is a revolving door with a rusted lock. Because of retcons, reboots, and clones the concept of living in the moment might as well come with an asterisk. That still doesn't stop some characters from embracing the concept in a completely non-hipster type way. It's the primary lesson conveyed on All-New, All-Different Avengers #4. And it's conveyed in a way that even the cynical and the jaded can appreciate.

Mark Waid was tasked with assembling a new team of Avengers in the post-Secret Wars world. It sounds like a simple task, but when billion-dollar movie franchises are built on these teams, the stakes are a bit higher than placating fickle fanboys. Waid still rose to the occasion, creating a team of Avengers that includes familiar faces, rising stars, and a solid mix of diversity. While Glen Beck hasn't complained about it yet, it's a team that reflects a fitting and appropriate sentiment for 2016.

The first three issues of the series was a standard coming together story. It wasn't nearly as epic as a certain movie staring Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., but it didn't feel as overplayed as a certain movie starting Andrew Garfield. All-New, All-Different Avengers #4 offers the first real insight into how this new team of Avengers functions and it does so in a way that never feels like a bad reality show or a 60s era sitcom.

There's just a real insight into this new team that feels genuine and balanced. It's basically the complete antithesis of the team dynamics we see in Lethal Weapon movies. There are very different personalities with characters like Nova, Ms. Marvel, and Vision. However, those personalities find a way to mesh in a manner that never feels forced. They don't need a drill sergeant or football coach to whip them into shape. They're not the Cleveland Browns. They're the Avengers.

When they get a chance to demonstrate their competence as Avengers, they pass the test. They don't necessarily pass with flying colors, but when the enemy involved is Cyclone, the test is graded on a curve. He's no Red Skull. Even Hugo Weaving couldn't make Cyclone an intimidating threat. However, he does give this new team of Avengers a chance to shine. While the scope of their efforts are as generic as a traffic stop on the Jersey Turnpike, the battle against Cyclone reflects the new normal for this era of Avengers.

It's not just the diversity that makes this new team of Avengers feel appropriate. It comes back to those sensibilities that we, the society of 2016, have developed in recent years. It's no longer enough for the Avengers to show up, fight monsters, punch the Red Skull in the face, and tell kids to eat their vegetables. As the backlash against movies like Man of Steel have shown, modern audiences care about civilian casualties. Indeed, in an era when the failures of our heroes are more scrutinized than ever, society is much less forgiving of missteps and oversights.

The Avengers in this conflict go out of their way to protect the civilians caught in Cyclone's attack. It takes up a good chunk of the fight. While Cyclone eventually gets knocked out in the same tradition as the Red Skull, the emphasis on protecting civilians adds an important dynamic to what would otherwise be the superhero equivalent of a typical Tuesday.

Beyond the new dynamics of a diverse, civilian-focused Avengers, there is another moment that adds weight to an otherwise typical clash in the new Prime Marvel universe. It comes in the form of a kiss between the new Captain America, Sam Wilson, and the new Thor, Jane Foster. In this case, the cover isn't an elaborate form of trolling in the tradition of Action Comics #600 or Astonishing X-men #14. This kiss does happen, but it's not the kind of kiss that will appeal to the Twilight crowd.

This moment between Sam Wilson and Jane Foster is another keen reflection on 2016 sensibilities. It comes after both characters get reminded that they look nothing like Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth. There are fans, even within the comic itself, that whine about Captain America and Thor not being the "classic" versions. It's the whining internet trolls of comic book message boards taking form and substance. However, Sam and Jane deal with it in the best way possible and it doesn't involve whining to a moderator.

The two characters kiss. They do so after Sam laments about living up to the high bar set by Steve Rogers. Jane, whose true identity is still a mystery to everyone on the team, understands that these are unreasonable standards set by unreasonable people who make unreasonable comments on the internet. The kiss is just a good way of reinforcing her point and shutting him up.

At the same time, however, it isn't conveyed as a kiss that will create Marvel's next big power couple. This is not their response to DC's efforts with Superman and Wonder Woman. At the very most, this is just an awkward kiss at the end of a junior prom. In the context of the story, this is probably for the best.

Over the past decade or so, Marvel has treated romance and iconic couples with the same tact and care as a Jerry Springer rerun. It's gotten to a point where there are no iconic romances left in Marvel's vast mythos. Some have been killed off, retconned out of existence, or denigrated beyond repair. Marvel has treated their most iconic romances with the same care a two-year-old treats bowl of pasta. They only know how to make it into a mess and neither Sam Wilson nor Jane Foster deserve such treatment.

This kiss and the dynamics built around it give All-New, All-Different Avengers #4 just the right impact. There's a sense of hope, albeit fleeting, that this team can function in 2016 in all its unique sensibilities. Mark Waid has taken a diverse cast with iconic names and made it feel genuine. Glen Beck may still protest at some point, but that would only confirm that this new team of Avengers is doing something right.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

All-New X-men #40 Reveals Iceman as Gay...So WTF?

It used to be that somebody famous coming out as gay was a big fucking deal. There are still some people out there who refuse to believe that Rock Hudson, Elton John, and Ricky Martin are gay. These are probably the same people that believe Elvis is still alive. That's not to say it's an irrelevant issue. There are entire organizations, many of them following the proud tradition began by Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who make it their mission to treat gays the same way Michael Meyers treats babysitters. These people are a growing minority and will one day go the way of the Zune, but that doesn't mean gay issues aren't relevant.

Marvel is no stranger to exploring that rainbow-colored side of the garden. Just a few years ago, Marvel celebrated its first gay wedding between Northstar and his boyfriend in Astonishing X-men #50. That didn't piss off anyone who doesn't donate money to Rick Santorum. And Marvel already has a pretty impressive cast of gay or bisexual characters such as Mystique, Northstar, and Loki. Then there's Daken, but I'm convinced that guy will fuck anything with a pulse so maybe that's not a good example. Then earlier today Marvel attempted to make Jerry Falwell turn over in his grave again. They revealed that Iceman, one of the original X-men, is gay.

Newsarama: Original X-men Comes Out As Gay

This is not a joke. This is not something that a bunch of stoners came up with while stoned out of their minds on 4/20. This is a real news story, complete with scans from All-New X-men #40. There's nothing subtle about it. There's nothing built up. O5 Jean just pulls O5 Iceman aside and basically tells him she knows he's gay. That's it. This massive WTF retcon is about as contrived as the original ending to Mass Effect 3.

Now I have no problems with Iceman being gay. He's had no real female love interests that have stuck over the years. He's dated Kitty Pryde. He's dated Mystique. He's dated Opal. Unless someone went out of their way to follow Iceman's love life, they would never know these relationships existed. And it happens in the real world. Gay people do try to date straight people. They do it for the same I go to male strip club. Sometimes you just like to wander onto the other side of the fence. It's not right or wrong. However, it does present a big fucking problem.

First and foremost, there was absolutely no build-up to this. Iceman never dropped any hints. He never flirted with any men. He never showed even a shred of interest. There's being closeted and then there's just being fucking stupid. And for it to be revealed like this...it feels like a little girl telling her parents she killed a hobo while talking about her day at school. It just comes out of fucking nowhere. It has no depth behind it. It doesn't have any significant meaning other than changing something randomly.

It also really fucks with his history in ways that are nearly as bad as the Maximoff twins retcon from AXIS. O5 Jean Grey is not the only telepath in the X-men. She's not even the most powerful. O5 Iceman has lived around the likes of Emma Frost, Professor Xavier, Kid Omega, Psylocke, Rachel Grey, and an adult Jean Grey. These are not novice telepaths. Hell, Iceman was actually involved with Emma Frost at one point. And if Emma Frost can't pick up that he's gay, then how the fuck can a teenage Jean Grey pick up on it? Then again, it's Emma Frost. I don't care how gay any man is. If they have a chance to hook up with Emma Frost, they're going to fucking do it.

Then there are the other relationships he's had. He dated Kitty Pryde very recently and he wasn't the one that broke up with her. She did that to him. Moreover, there was even a glimpse into the future as recently as Wolverine and the X-men #29 where it was shown that Kitty and Iceman had a kid named Carmen Drake. Now I get that gay men can sometimes father children, but this just shows that the idea of making Iceman gay feels like one of those knee-jerk instincts that leads to half the marriages in Las Vegas.

Overall, this feels way too forced. O5 Iceman is the only character in All-New X-men who hasn't had anything meaningful happen to him. He hasn't experienced any fucked up revelations or had any stories that really center around him. This just feels like a cheap way to make him relevant in a series where he's done jack shit. If that's the only reason Marvel is doing it, then it's a shitty reason. It would make perfect sense if Iceman was bisexual. At least that would explain his past relationships and behavior. But this just feels way too fucking forced. There are other ways to make Iceman relevant in the comics, but those ways might require additional effort and I guess that was something that Marvel wasn't willing to do. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #36

There comes a point in every shitty vacation where the lines between torture and frustration become so obscure that it might as well be its own circle of hell. We’ve all been there. Whether it’s an ill-fated family vacation to the Grand Canyon that’s most remembered for being broken down on the side of the road for eight hours or a trip to New Orleans that was ruined by a nasty case of food poisoning, at some point we just want to go home and sleep it off. I imagine the O5 X-men passed this point during their trip to the Ultimate universe when they found out that incest and cannibalism aren’t quite as taboo as they are in their home universe. And that was before they encountered a version of Dr. Doom that had goat legs. That alone shows how fucked the Ultimate universe has become.

But the end is in sight. They’re almost back on the road, ready to give the finger to this shit-stained universe, at least until it rubs its shit all over 616 in the upcoming incursion during Secret Wars. To do that, they have to go through a goat-legged Dr. Doom. I suppose there are worse parts of the Ultimate universe that they would have to endure, but a goat-legged Dr. Doom is right up there with watching a private porno from the Maximoff twins in terms of shitty obstacles. All-New X-men #36 is not going to be the last time the O5 X-men have to deal with this shitty universe. However, it’s very likely this experience will make them feel relieved when it finally gets flushed down the same shitter that swallowed Heroes Reborn.

And whenever that happens, Ultimate Dr. Doom will be the largest kernel of corn in that massive pile of shit. He made both the O5 X-men and their Ultimate counterparts feel about as welcome as a Mormon at a gay bar in Bangkok. He managed to successfully kick all their asses and lay them out like a gallon of spiked punch. He’s basically doing the same thing 616 Doom would do. He just does it with fucking goat legs. That should tell everyone all they need to know about the Ultimate universe. Fuck the characters and the shitty stories. Just give them goat legs and hope that’s enough.

In his triumph, Dr. Doom tries to flex his goat nuts a little. He singles out Miles Morales for a little extra douche-baggery because if George Zimmerman can get away with it, why can’t he? He apparently hasn’t kept up with the new Spider-Man. He must not watch Glen Beck. But he’s ready to fuck him up in ways Wesley Snipes’ accountant can’t even match. O5 Jean Grey has a problem with that. She’s had enough time to become friends with Miles and she doesn’t appreciate people fucking with her friends, especially when they do it with fucking goat legs.

So while her shitty counterpart just lays there like a wounded puppy, O5 Jean Grey gets her shit together and shows off her all-new skills against Dr. Doom. It’s the first real challenge where she’s gotten a chance to use these powers. And she uses them pretty fucking well. She’s able to go toe-to-toe with Dr. fucking Doom. This should also tell everyone a little more about the Ultimate Universe. Their counterparts are shit and goat legs don’t make anyone more powerful.

O5 Jean Grey is able to match Dr. Doom’s bullshit just long enough to get her friends to wake the fuck up and join her. She’s softened them up. Now they get a chance to prove they’re not as useless as a wet fart in the Sahara Desert. Storm, both Jean Greys, and both Icemen get in on the action. But that’s about it. Nobody really does much else to fuck Dr. Doom up. They really don’t have to in the long run. They outnumber him and they have O5 Jean Grey on their side. That alone makes it a fair fight.

It still makes for a decidedly unepic battle. Most of the Ultimate characters don’t even say anything. Maybe that’s for the best. They’ve contributed about as much as my pizza guy did to this fight. I’m not saying I expected it to be as epic as an arm-wrestling match between Thanos and Onslaught. It really didn’t have the manpower for it. In the end, it just felt a bit too rushed. It didn’t give enough chances for the others to contribute. But again, they had two Jean Greys on their side. They really didn’t have to.

Dr. Doom understands this. He’s not some shitty Power Rangers monster who just keeps fighting until he’s blown up. He decides that once he has to face two Jean Greys and two teams of mutants, he’s cutting his losses. So he ends up just ditching the battle. He teleports away, presumably grabbing his balls Marshawn Lynch style. It’s as unspectacular as it sounds. But again, this was one of those battles where it didn’t really have the manpower or the resources to be that epic. Expecting it to would be like expecting Don Draper to start hiring ugly women. It’s unreasonable.

That’s not to say that everyone just shrugs their shoulders and walks away. They’re still in the middle of fucking Latveria where Doombots outnumber the people. They still have to deal with those Sentinel wannabes so there’s still some fighting. Even so, it’s not all that epic or detailed. They’re fucking Doombots, not the entire droid army from the Clone Wars. They could just stick around and waste their energy ripping them to shreds. Or they could work smarter and not harder like every CEO, hall-of-fame athlete, or anyone who ever played Contra.

This actually gives O5 Beast a chance to do something other than piss and moan about how much he hates Cyclops. While the others fight the Doombots, he fucks up Dr. Doom’s systems so that his castle blows up. Now I know I give O5 Beast a lot of shit, but anyone who blows up Castle Doom earns some points in my book. It’s still not a very epic or detailed battle, but it gets the job done. Nobody’s panties are going to be soaked. Nobody’s heart is going to be racing. It’s just a quick, somewhat rushed conclusion to a struggle that could only be so big. It’s messy, but it works. Anything that blows up Dr. Doom’s castle can’t qualify as a failure.

Now that they’ve beaten Dr. Doom and his goofy goat legs, the O5 X-men have more than earned the right to get the fuck out of Ultimate and never come back. To do this, they need to find the scared mutant girl who brought them there. At this point in the story, it’s pretty easy to forget about her even without the side-effects of really good weed. But she’s the one doing all this dimension-hopping. I guess she just couldn’t be patient enough to wait until Secret Wars and for that, I can’t blame her.

She’s seen jumping through a series of fucked up alternate universes that she has no business or desire visiting. It’s also a bit rushed, but there are only so many fucked up alternate universes anyone can take in at this point so it’s a relief when she finally ends up in Ultimate again. The O5 X-men are there waiting for her. There’s not much detail into how they ended up in just the right place. It’s not completely contrived though. They were able to locate her in previous issues using Cerebro. They just had to make a pit stop in Latveria. It still feels rushed, but I can’t blame them for wanting to get the fuck out of Ultimate as fast as they can.

This poor girl, Carmen Cruise, has probably shit herself multiple times at this point. At least she didn’t have to deal with Dr. Doom. For that, she still qualifies as being lucky. This gives both O5 Jean and Ultimate Jean a chance to help her calm down, stop shitting herself, and get control of her powers. For a brief moment, both Jean Greys interact with this girl in the way a good Jean Grey should. It’s the first real moment where the sheer shitiness of Ultimate fades and the characters revert to their core. They act like Charles Xavier before he was a total douchebag, helping this girl form a gateway that will take the O5 X-men home.

It’s not quite as easy as it sounds. She’s still a scared young girl. She’s not going to master this power just because two pretty redheads give her some encouragement. This grants a few more moments of action where the two teams have to fight off fucked up alternate versions of characters. I still imagine their worlds aren’t nearly as fucked as Ultimate. I’d much rather read a comic about a world where Wolverine was a minotaur. But that’s just me. Still, it doesn’t linger. It shouldn’t. At this point, the O5 X-men just want to fucking go home. They’ve had enough alternate universes for multiple lifetimes. That just means they’re going to hate Secret Wars.

Finally, they find their home world. O5 Jean Grey even confirms it by reading Tony Stark’s horrible, depraved thoughts. For a teenage girl who has endured more than her share of trauma, that’s pushing it. But it’s still a funny way to confirm that they now know how to go home.

It leads to one final goodbye that is somewhat lacking. The Ultimate characters really don’t say or do much. They’re so used to being completely fucked and utterly marginalized that I guess they don’t have much to say. That still doesn’t stop O5 Jean from giving Miles Morales a kiss on the cheek. Because why not? He helped her and he’s pretty much the only one in Ultimate that’s not worth throwing away. It’s not the kind of kiss that’ll make Twilight fans faint, but it’s a nice friendly gesture between two characters who did most of the heavy lifting in this story.

While the O5 X-men’s departure is welcome and bittersweet, it does feel like a missed opportunity. There’s a lot of shit the O5 X-men could learn from the failures in Ultimate. O5 Jean could learn a lot from her counterpart alone. But we never get any of those moments. They just fought Dr. Doom together and that’s it. Now I can understand why the O5 X-men are in a rush to get home, but there’s just so much they didn’t get a chance to talk about. I can’t say it undermines the story. It really would’ve been an aside if it did happen. It just feels like there could’ve been more.

As soon as the O5 X-men get home, they do as good X-men do and take Carmen back home to her mother. It makes for a nice reunion. It’s somewhat fitting, even though Carmen basically missed out on most of the shit storm that was Ultimate. It also has a rather ominous bit of foreboding, courtesy of O5 Beast. Like the others, he was traumatized by what he saw in Ultimate. He saw a world that totally went to shit and he realizes that it’s in all their best interest if they avoid that in their world. It feels like code for him doing something else to fuck everything up. I guess screwing with the timeline wasn’t enough. So while he did earn points for blowing up Dr. Doom’s castle, he seems more than ready to piss it away the first chance he gets.

So the O5 X-men’s journey into the soiled anus that is the Ultimate universe is over and they were only mildly traumatized by it. All things being equal, that’s probably the best they could’ve hoped for. They saw a world where the X-men were truly and unequivocally fucked. They even admitted it at one point. That alone helps this story convey just the right message. As fucked up as the O5 X-men’s future may be, it’s not even close to being the worst.

While the message is sound, the end product feels lacking in some respects. I can’t say the story didn’t feel complete. It succeeded in having the O5 X-men and what’s left of the Ultimate mutants population team up and get the fuck out of this world. The battle against Dr. Doom was a bit rushed, but satisfying. And for once, O5 Beast didn’t do something that reinforced his position as alpha douche-bag of the X-men. But it feels like there was a lot of shit left unaddressed. The O5 X-men never really had a chance to fully react to the fucked up scope of the Ultimate universe. And it feels like there was so much more Ultimate Jean could’ve discussed with her counterpart. However, given the nature of the plot, that kind of shit would’ve been a bonus. I can’t really get too pissed off about something that wouldn’t have really affected the plot. It also helps I’ve got a good weed dealer, but that’s beside the point.

This story didn’t change that Ultimate is more fucked than Marilyn Munroe’s corpse at a necrophilia convention. It didn’t really significantly change a lot of characters, but it did affect a few. Miles Morales got a kiss on the cheek from O5 Jean Grey. That’s going to affect anybody. There’s a lot more this story could’ve done, but it did just what it needed to do to complete the story and leave it open for more shit storms during Secret Wars. In the end, I give All-New X-men #36 a 7 out of 10. It gets the job done, just not in really memorable sort of way. Again, that’s kind of the best anyone can hope for from Ultimate at this point. Any story that ends without more acid being poured on this rotting corpse of a shitty universe is worthy of respect. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #35

There comes a point in our lives where we have to walk through a bad neighborhood or two to get where we want to go. And I’m not just talking about the neighborhoods that have more graffiti artists and crack dealers than high school graduates. I’m talking about the kind of neighborhoods that look normal, but have something really fucked up about them. Maybe some of the neighbors nudists when they really shouldn’t be. Maybe some of them have way too many pit bulls roaming the front yards than they should. Or maybe one of them just has this strange smell from the basement that nobody besides the DEA would want to fuck with. But we can’t always avoid these places. They often teach us about ourselves in some profound ways.

The Ultimate Universe is the Marvel equivalent of a crack house, a meth lab, an abandoned sewage plant, and an IRS branch office all rolled into one. It embodies everything that the characters of the Marvel universe hope to avoid. The O5 X-men have been learning this the hard way by getting trapped in this ever-deepening shithole while trying to help a young mutant. They’ve made contact with their counterparts, Mole Man, and Dr. Doom. The sad part is that every encounter showed them that this was not a universe they wanted to be. All-New X-men #35 begins the process of getting the fuck out of Ultimate and never looking back. And if they make it out while avoiding getting pissed on by a drunk bum at three in the morning, they should consider themselves lucky.

Even if they do, they probably won’t feel very lucky because at some point in their trip, the have to battle Dr. fucking Doom. And if there is one constant between Marvel universes, no matter how shitty they may be, it’s that Dr. Doom is an omega level douche-bag. The only difference in Ultimate Marvel is that he looks fucking ridiculous with goat legs. But then again, goat legs are hardly the most fucked up thing about a universe that deals heavily in incest and cannibalism.

It’s going to be jarring and confusing for those who took one too many bong hits. How the fuck did the O5 X-men get to the point where they meet up, agree with their Ultimate counterparts that Doom is an asshole, and launch an assault on Castle Doom? Well don’t throw the bong or the weed away. That will get addressed. This is just a flash forward/movie trailer of what can be expected. It’s not exactly as awesome as the Age of Ultron trailer, but it doesn’t have the aid of James Spader’s creep voice so I’m willing to cut it some slack.

It’s not a very epic battle. It’s not exactly a pillow fight between a couple of kittens either. It’s got some snappy dialog that shows how the Ultimate X-men have been more negated than Homer Simpson’s health. They don’t say much, they get injured, and they really don’t shine in any way. That pretty much sums up everything wrong with Ultimate in a nutshell.

It’s up to the one character who hasn’t been more marginalized than democrats in Texas to actually do something meaningful in this fight. Miles Morales, the one character left in Ultimate that anybody gives half an ounce of shit about, decides to go after Dr. Doom himself rather than waste time with his Doombots. It’s ballsy for a kid who probably can count all the pubic hairs he has on one hand, but it’s pretty fucking dumb as well. Then again, dumb and awesome can sometimes be one in the same.

That ends the teaser trailer. Let’s get back to how the X-men ended up in the worst possible destination in any Marvel universe that doesn’t involve the Hulk’s toilet. After sharing a much-needed hug with her ultimate counterpart, O5 Jean Grey fired up the dormant Cerebro to locate the mutant that sent them to this ultimate mutant hell. And she succeeds. She does manage to find the mutant the same way she found her before. It sounds easy, but it’s not like I was expecting her to solve a crossword puzzle or something.

In addition, she even located the rest of her team. That makes sense. She can’t exactly go home without them unless she’s a total asshole. And she hasn’t spent quite enough time around Emma Frost yet so she’s going to find them and Ultimate Jean is going to help. They even have a nice moment together. They don’t hug, but they do get along. Considering how fucked up her Ultimate counterpart is, this alone is quite an accomplishment and a pretty fitting one as well.

It’s not quite as pleasant for X-23 and O5 Angel. Like O5 Jean, they’ve been getting a crash course in some of the many reasons why Ultimate sucks worse than Paris Hilton at a blowjob tournament. They just found out that unlike 616, mutants are just a failed experiment in Ultimate. It’s a hell of a downgrade, going from the next stage in evolution to something on par with the SEC. X-23 doesn’t take it very well. She decides to take her frustrations out on a tree. While some hippies might find this disturbing, it’s entirely appropriate. It’s akin to the reaction that every former Ultimate fan has had regarding Ultimate’s obscene decline. X-23 is just venting for us and for that, I thank her.

She ends up not having to vent for very long. O5 Jean and Ultimate Jean drop by to pick her, O5 Angel, and Hillbilly Wolverine up in the X-jet. It’s not exactly a tearful reunion, but I guess X-23 sees it as a way to help her find something else to stab. It also gives some of the Ultimate cast a chance to react to seeing another version of Angel. Unlike O5 Jean, their version was one of the many that died in Ultimate’s relentless effort to purge itself of anything that might make it appealing to anybody who isn’t being written by Brian Michael Bendis. There is a reaction and there is some emotion. It’s just not a very memorable one.

This was one of those moments that was bound to happen at some point, coming face-to-face with the massive body count that Ultimate has racked up over the years. There are so many emotions and stories to explore here. While I understand that there’s a limit to the scope and scale of a story like this, it just feels like this particular part didn’t try very hard. The meeting between O5 Jean and Ultimate Jean had much more impact. This just felt awkward, like telling a kid their dog just got run over by the garbage truck.

It’s not quite as awkward when the team catches up with O5 Iceman, who is still on the run from a bunch of cops who have apparently run out of minorities to harass. I guess fighting a giant mole monster is a crime in Ultimate. I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t come with a weed possession charge by default. And these cops are especially reckless because they decide to shoot their guns at Iceman even when he’s got a bunch of civilians behind him. Let me say that again for emphasis. These cops shot at someone with no fewer than five innocent civilians behind them. I know cops have had it rough lately, but this shit isn’t helping.

Luckily for police offers and the PR departments that support them, Ultimate Storm shows up to get O5 Iceman out of this jam. He doesn’t need a bullshit arrest on his record. Any teenage boy who gets a criminal record without even enjoying the chance to get high is a real tragedy. And it gets O5 Iceman back with his friends, ensuring that the team is almost completely united again.

That leaves just one member left and it happens to be the one who ended up in the worst possible part of the world outside of Syria. O5 Beast, probably due to the massive debt of karma he’s accumulated in recent times, ended up in Castle Doom where Dr. Doom drugged him to make him the most obedient house guest that’s not a character on Two and a Half Men. And after embarrassing him about his desire to bone Jean Grey, Dr. Doom makes O5 Beast work out a way for him to travel the multiverse and rub elbows with his other selves. Not sure what he hopes to accomplish other than seeing how much shittier his world is compared to theirs, but I’m sure he’ll be pretty embarrassed by being the only Dr. Doom with goat legs.

Despite O5 Beast’s shitty luck, the rest of the team arrives at Castle Doom to rescue him. They even take some time to find out that Iceman is as annoying in Ultimate as he is in 616. I guess there are just some quirks that never change in any Marvel universe. It’s comforting, but still lacks impact beyond just being funny. There’s a much greater impact when O5 Jean and Ultimate Jean team up to help O5 Beast break Dr. Doom’s mind control. That meant having the mind of two Jean Greys in his head for a brief moment. I’m not sure if that counts as a three-way, but I’ll be shocked if he didn’t come out of that with a raging boner.

Once O5 Beast is freed, he lays into Dr. Doom like Ray Lewis in his prime. The rest of the X-men from both worlds arrive to start kicking his ass and the asses of his Doombots. This is where the events of the teaser trailer from earlier catch up with the rest of the story. All the gaps are filled in for the most part. We find out how the team reunites and even how they react to some degree. It’s logical and pragmatic, two concepts that have been lacking in Ultimate to the point of famine.

It’s still the same battle though. Even though all the details effectively converge, there isn’t much added to it. The X-men fight the Doombots, Miles goes after Dr. Doom, the Ultimate X-men do nothing of value, and that’s about it. I still say it’s an accomplishment, moving the story forward and keeping it nice and cohesive. It usually doesn’t take much for a story to go more off-track than a blindfolded drunk, but this story still got to this point without feeling like it took a short cut. There’s something to be said about that, especially after it hasn’t been said in Ultimate for nearly a decade.

Although the Rick Santorum’s of the world may not like it, this issue is full of progress. The story moves forward and becomes more cohesive at a pace that’s not too fast or too slow. It is somewhat disorganized with the flashback/flash-forward elements, but it doesn’t completely derail the story at any point. Nothing is skipped. Nothing is glossed over. The O5 X-men got separated when they arrived in Ultimate. Now they’ve pulled themselves together and they’ve done it without pissing off their Ultimate counterparts. Sure, it was awkward as hell at times, but that only made it more enjoyable. Few things are more enjoyable than seeing Iceman make an ass of himself or see Beast get mind-fucked. Since this issue had both, I enjoyed it in so many levels.

That’s not to say there wasn’t room for improvement. While nothing was glossed over, some details were rushed. The whole revelation about who was dead in Ultimate had some reaction, but not nearly as much as it could’ve. Sure, the massive body count in Ultimate would slow the story down in ways that would probably turn it into a Martin Scorsese movie, but the lack of impact here felt like a missed opportunity. And while the clash against Dr. Doom was decent, it wasn’t exactly epic. However, it still has the potential to be, goat-legs aside. That’s why I give All-New X-men #35 an 8 out of 10. Ultimate still sucks elephant balls and I’m sure the O5 X-men would rather spend a weekend in Michael Moore’s asshole than be stuck in this shithole, but it hasn’t stopped the story from being awesome. Since both worlds are set to merge after Secret Wars anyways, the O5 X-men and Ultimate X-men might as well get ahead of the game and squeeze in a little foreplay while they still can. Nuff said!

The New and the Expendable: All-New X-men #35 Preview

I don't claim to be skilled at a lot of things, but I know for a fact that I would make a really shitty weatherman and a really shitty stock broker. I know this because when it comes to making predictions about the future, I'm more inaccurate than the future portrayed in Back to the Future II. Sure, I make predictions all the time about what will happen in comics and the world as a whole. Nearly 99 percent of the time, I'm dead fucking wrong. Gay conversion therapy has a higher success rate than I do.

I say this because I'm going to try and make a prediction about what happens at the end of the current arc of All-New X-men. I had a sense from the very begging that this was a story that would carry with it the putrid smell of rotting corpses dipped in diarrhea because it involved Marvel's increasingly defunct Ultimate universe. That hasn't stopped the story from being awesome in the way that All-New X-men has maintained to great effect for years now. But the O5 X-men's doomed trip to Ultimate is about to end. And whether I'm right or wrong about this, I'm pretty sure the O5 X-men would sooner visit Camp Crystal Lake during a full moon rather than visit this shit hole universe again.

Part of what made the previous issue so endearing was the encounter between O5 Jean and her Ultimate counterpart. It led to yet another awkward yet glorious hug that helps highlight all the right emotions surrounding O5 Jean Grey. Those emotions are the driving force behind the O5 X-men's struggle to get the fuck out of this universe. In CBR's recent preview of All-New X-men #35, that struggle encounters a big ass complication that is sure to make their stay in Ultimate all the more unpleasant.

CBR: All-New X-men #35 Preview

I'm going to call this now and see if I can get my prediction average up. Ultimate Jean is going to die here. She's going to sacrifice herself at some point so that the O5 X-men, who are already set to be part of Secret Wars this year, can escape and survive. I make this prediction on the same week yet another Ultimate series ran its final issue after a lackluster 12-issue run, leaving Ultimate Spider-Man the last Ultimate title standing. Marvel has already killed off so many compelling Ultimate characters that killing one of the few remaining characters that once made Ultimate interesting is as easy as Vladamir Putin choking a kitten.

Now keep in mind, I could be wrong. I hope I am. But this feels like the only way the story can end at this point. The only way Marvel seems to be able to generate any interest in the Ultimate universe is to either cross it over with 616 or kill another major character. This will do both and it still won't generate enough fucks to be given about this once great series. So that's what they'll do. Ultimate Jean Grey is a character that got screwed over way more than most and since she's nobody's favorite character in Ultimate anymore, that means she can already pick out her tombstone.

So mark it down. You heard it here first. Ultimate Jean Grey will die either at the end of this issue or the next issue. I wouldn't be money on it. I wouldn't even bet loose change on it. But if I'm wrong about this one, I'll be only mildly surprised. Nuff said!

When It Really Could Be Worse: All-New X-men #34

The following is my review of All-New X-men #34, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The people who try to comfort others by saying, “Hey, it could be worse,” are the real-life equivalent of internet spammers, offering false and often fraudulent answers to a major problem. The sentiment itself isn’t wrong. Wherever there’s a convergence of horrible luck, there’s always a way to make a bad situation infinitely worse. A man might be broke, homeless, and suffering from a debilitating disease, but telling him he’s lucky that he doesn’t have to stand in line at the post office on Christmas Eve is just disingenuous. There are very few situations where this sentiment provides anything other than a valid excuse to punch someone in the jaw.

But every now and then, a situation comes along that does help provide a renewed sense of perspective as to just how bad things could be. It’s rare, but it’s more sobering than a shot of morphine and a thousand cold showers. It’s a perspective that the Original Five X-men need at this point. There’s only so much they can learn by facing future apocalyptic versions of themselves.

Since getting stuck in the future within the pages of All-New X-men, they’ve seen plenty of examples of how much their future sucks. One of them is dead. One of them is a fugitive. And one of them has completely lost their mind and memories. Sure, one of them got a school named after them, but that’s hardly comforting, given all the evil clones, cosmic forces, and killer robots that came in between.

Now the Original Five X-men find themselves in a world where evil clones and cosmic forces are the least of their worries. If Dante Alighieri created a special ring in Hell for mutants and the X-men, the increasingly irrelevant Ultimate Universe would be it. This is a world where mutants are a failed experiment, Reed Richards is evil, and incest is not quite as taboo. And in All-New X-men #34, Jean Grey has the details of this Hell shoved in her face and through her mind, courtesy of her Ultimate counterpart. It makes for a few jarring revelations to say the least. This might end up being the only instance besides a date with Jennifer Lawrence where fainting would be appropriate. It helps set an emotional tone for a conflict that has been unfolding somewhat slowly.

The revelation about just how bad the Ultimate Universe is for the X-men hits Jean Grey hard, but the rest of her teammates have it somewhat easier, relatively speaking. Some might not consider being trapped by Dr. Doom or fighting one of Mole Man’s monsters to be easier. However, the non-telepaths of the team have the luxury of not knowing the extent to which this world has fallen. That information is slowly being revealed, but at least they’ll have a chance to brace themselves.

This information doesn’t come all at once. Each member of the team learns they’re not in the world they know in different ways. Beast learns it from Dr. Doom. X-23 and Angel learn it from their visit to a Weapon X base. Iceman learns it from a couple of police officers armed with a cell phone and not-so-subtle racist sentiments. It doesn’t evoke the same emotions as it does with Jean Grey, but that actually helps keep the plot concise. They’re no longer just stumbling around the Ultimate Universe like a bad spin-off of the Hangover movies. They know where they are and they know this is not a universe they want to get stuck in.

Beyond the reactions to this information, there are other conflicts unfolding. This descent into the Marvel comic book equivalent to purgatory began with a young mutant wielding volatile, dimension-warping powers. That mutant hasn’t been forgotten, but Dr. Doom is starting to overshadow her, as he often tends to do. He has Beast in his possession, whose future self already has an impressive track record of ruining the timeline and destroying universes. His assistance, willing or not, kick-starts a conflict that promises to be much more volatile than tracking down a dimension-hopping mutant girl. It’s not that hard to make a situation involving a confused young girl worse, but Dr. Doom has always been an overachiever in that respect.

While there are plenty conflicts unfolding and evolving, the greatest strength of the story comes from the emotional impact. Jean Grey, who has been the emotional driving force since All-New X-men began, continues to guide this story from a compelling, almost innocent perspective. She elicits genuine emotional reactions from all those around her, regardless of which universe they’re from. She also has a knack for making every boy she meets fall in love with her, as Beast and Miles Morales revealed. But that only makes her more lovable.

This is not to say that other characters don’t contribute to the emotions. Some, such as Beast and Iceman, are starting to catch up. But they have a long ways to go, which ends up being the weakest part of this issue. It feels too short and ends too abruptly. There are a lot of conflicts and emotions manifesting throughout the plot. They just lack depth. That’s not to say those details are ignored or forgotten. They’re just deferred to a point where those with limited patience might get frustrated. And it might take more than just another hug from Jean Grey to endure.

Even without the hugs, there are many plots and conflicts worth exploring in All-New X-men #34. With every new conflict, the Original Five X-men gain a new perspective on their future. The Ultimate Universe is less known for perspective and more known for its destruction, pro-incest, anti-France sentiment. Aside from Miles Morales, there really isn’t much that can be learned from a world that hasn’t been relevant since Tiger Woods’ last major championship. But the O5 X-men are finding a way to learn from its horrors and that might be the best they can hope for at this point.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #34

Anyone whoever says that it could always be worse is usually the kind of person who deserves a traumatic head injury from a piece of heavy mining equipment. These people can somehow take a shitty day and find a way to make it shittier by saying the least effective, most contrived excuse ever conjured by guilt-ridden hippie liberal types. Nobody in the history of mankind has ever been told, "it could be worse," and felt better about it. But in the case of the O5 X-men, I think it deserves an exception. This is one instance where there’s a real, tangible example right in front of them just how much shittier their lives could be.

There’s no question that the O5 X-men are not happy with their future. They have every right to be a little disappointed. One of them ended up dead. The other ended up crazy. The other became a complete douche-bag whose only contribution to anything involves making snow cones. But the shit the O5 X-men endure in their future is nothing compared to the steaming pile of whale diarrhea that is the Ultimate universe. They’ve been stuck in it for a few issues and already, they’re finding out just how much shittier it could be and they haven’t even learned about Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s little venture into incest. I doubt that would make them feel any better in the long run, but at least they can never deny that it really could be worse. And All-New X-men #34 only gives them even more reasons. They probably won’t be enough to make Beast or Iceman lesser douche-bags in the future, but at least they won’t have to live with the disturbing thought of Maximoff-style incest in their world.

In that context, the meeting between O5 Jean and the Ultimate version of the pseudo-X-men isn’t as awkward as it could’ve been. I say pseudo because the X-men in Ultimate have been fucked up in ways that even make Brett Ratner cringe. They’re an endangered, artificial species that shrugs off typical X-men activities that don’t involve Galactus incursions. So I guess that just makes the situation more awkward. It doesn’t help that Ultimate Iceman claims O5 Jean is hotter than her Ultimate version. To be fair, Ultimate Jean does not do a good job pulling off the Lara Croft look. But it still leads to an interesting exchange that becomes way more than awkward real fast.

That tends to always happen whenever O5 Jean Grey dares to read someone else’s mind. First, she read Beast’s mind, which had to have been plenty disturbing with all the fantasies of how he would disembowel Cyclops. Now, she’s reading her Ultimate version’s mind in telepathic montage that’s not quite as epic, but still conveys all the right emotions. It essentially gives O5 Jean Grey a crash course in how fucked the Ultimate Universe is and how it fucked her up. And she didn’t even needed to die this time. So when both she and her Ultimate counterpart faint, it’s perfectly understandable. I’m just surprised they didn’t violently throw up first.

It’s a disturbing moment for both of them, but one that makes me feel like I’m covered in baby kittens. This is the kind of encounter I often hope for, but never see in comics. O5 Jean and Ultimate Jean have a lot they can learn from each other. And I’m not just talking about all the reasons why boning Wolverine is a bad idea. Both of these characters were once so loving, charismatic, and powerful. Then they were badly screwed over in ways I’m too stoned to describe. This exchange might not make the extent of such screwing any less egregious, but it should give them some badly needed perspective.

As much as O5 Jean needs it, I would argue Ultimate Jean needs it more. Few character got screwed over worse in Ultimate than she did and not from anything that happened to her in a major story. Her character was just so utterly butchered and fucked that nobody would think that she was once this caring, outgoing young woman that always found a reason to smile. And instead of dealing with it, she became a raging psychopath who tried to murder all her friends. Then for some fucked up reason that was never explained, they shrugged it off and let her join them. It’s way more fucked up than a drunk like me can ever describe. So for her to finally get a meaningful dose of emotion is really refreshing. It may be way too fucking late, but it’s still a great moment.

It’s not quite as emotional for O5 Iceman, who has been fighting one of Mole Man’s monsters in the streets of Atlanta since he arrived. He still doesn’t know he’s in a world way more fucked than one where Kim Kardashian is still relevant, which is quite a feat. He just battles this monster in a standard, yet still satisfying battle. He doesn’t do anything too spectacular. His powers are somewhat hindered by the Atlanta heat. Anybody who ever went streaking in the middle of summer on a cocaine binge knows what I’m talking about.

O5 Iceman still finds a way to have a conversation with the creature. The creature doesn’t really talk back, but for once he does more than just whine and make shitty jokes. He even points out how he’s changed the least since getting stuck in a shitty future. He didn’t even get a school named after him. The best he did was become some Ice Wizard in the future and bone Kitty Pryde. It’s not much, but I don’t think he should be complaining too much.

He eventually does defeat Mole Man’s monster. Again, it’s not all that epic, but it’s still plenty satisfying. Not many characters can say that in the Ultimate Universe these days who aren’t named Miles Morales. So what’s his reward for such a feat? He gets arrested by the cops. He’s a minority in a big city. In wake of recent tragedies, I’d say that’s painfully accurate. O5 Iceman is the lucky one. He puts his hands up and he doesn’t get shot. There’s no joke I can make about this situation. Police brutality is a big fucking deal these days and I’m the asshole who complains mostly about parking tickets. But as lucky as he is, O5 Iceman still a long ways away from knowing just how fucked he is.

X-23 and O5 Angel are a bit farther along. They managed to find the hidden Weapon X facility in Canada that they thought was their school. Turns out it’s just a typical Weapon X facility, complete with blood stains and shit-filled pants. Hillbilly Wolverine, also known as Jimmy Hudson, is with them. He’s the one that reveals another shitty detail of the Ultimate universe. Mutants aren’t a product of evolution. They’re a failed science experiment. Being a failed science experiment herself, X-23 knows how much that sucks. Being a rich pretty boy with wings, O5 Angel is just deadpanned.

It leads X-23 to remember that it was some random new mutant that O5 Beast thought was PMSing who brought them to this world. Now they have even more incentive to find her and get the fuck out of this universe. Hillbilly Wolverine is understandably confused. He inherited Wolverine’s claws and healing, but he didn’t get his intuition or brains. He just stands around like a kid watching a couple of dogs fuck. It’s awkward, but I can’t say it’s not accurate.

Just learning they’re in another universe is hard enough, but Dr. Doom has to make it even more uncomfortable for O5 Beast. Few characters can make Ultimate a shittier place. Dr. Doom is at the top of a very short list and he’s genuinely intrigued about the world O5 Beast comes from. He now knows some random new mutant brought them to the Ultimate Universe and Dr. Doom went so far as to feed O5 Beast truth serum to make sure he’s not fucking with him. If only the CIA was so merciful.

Dr. Doom is now learning a great deal about mutants, X-men, and a world where they’re not completely fucked. He also learns how O5 Beast is in love with Jean Grey and how she no longer gives two licks of a ferrets asshole about his emotions. Considering the bullshit he pulled in X-men: Battle of the Atom and its aftermath, I think she’s more than justified. She would rather put adult Cyclops in awkward positions. For anyone sick to their stomach at how this pairing even became possible, it’s very satisfying to see him so humiliated. I know I give Beast a hard time on this blog, but until he stops giving me reasons, I’m going to enjoy scenes like this. And Dr. Doom is sure to enjoy it as well.

The only problem is we don’t even get a clue as to what he has planned. The Ultimate version of Dr. Doom is a bit more of an enigma compared to his 616 counterpart and not just because had fucking goat legs for a while. He might be just as eager as the O5 to ditch this shitty world. It’s just no fun living in a world where Reed Richards is the bigger asshole.

I think it’s safe to say O5 Beast is now the most fucked of the whole team. O5 Iceman would be a close second, now that he’s been arrested for the horrible crime of stopping a rampaging monster in the middle of a busy city street. That’s not to say his arrest is nothing more than another exercise in police being assholes. They end up revealing to him, albeit unintentionally, that he’s not in the same world he remembers. They bring up that time when the X-men were on magazine covers back in an era when Ultimate didn’t suck elephant balls. It doesn’t just give O5 Iceman a clue. It gives him a chance to re-charge his ice powers in the nice air-conditioning of a squad car, which he uses to break out. He doesn’t even need to call an overpriced lawyer. He just ditches them. I’d say, leaves them unharmed, and fucks up their car. Seeing has how they arrested him for bullshit reasons, I’d say this makes them even.

So now everyone in the O5 X-men is up to speed in terms of being in a shitty alternate universe. Now they have to actually deal with that shit. It’s a step that’s often skipped in a story like this, but it’s not skipped with O5 Jean Grey. When she wakes up, she’s in the Cerebro chamber with her Ultimate counterpart. They then have another moment, but this time it doesn’t overwhelm them to the point of fainting.

It’s actually a lot more meaningful than that. They get a chance to point out just how difference their lives are and yet they’re still the same person. It’s one of those fucked up concepts that still brings out all the right emotions, so much so that it inspires another hug. O5 Jean has needed more than her share since All-New X-men began. This one might be the best yet, awkwardness aside. And it’s Ultimate Jean who needs it most. She even admits that O5 Jean is better at being Jean Grey than she was. And she’s the younger one. It’s a pretty powerful moment and one that almost makes revisiting the rotting corpse that is Ultimate Marvel worth it. Almost being the key word there.

Once the hugs are out of the way, Ultimate Jean helps O5 Jean activate Cerebro so she can find the mutant who brought them to this epic fail of an alternate universe. She even throws in a little tidbit about Miles Morales being in love with her. I guess she’s used to that at this point with teenage boys. But when she starts scanning, it doesn’t take long for her to find something. Once again, it’s pretty jarring. But we don’t even get a hint at what it might be. Is it Dr. Doom? Is it the mutant? Is it another Kardashian photo shoot? We have no fucking clue. Now I’m the one who needs a hug.

As five-year-olds, we all have to learn very quickly how to deal with not getting what we hoped for. There are too many cases where I go into a movie expecting to see Jennifer Lawrence’s naked ass, but I only end up seeing Hugh Jackman’s. Not to say that I think Hugh Jackman has an ugly ass. Most straight women would strongly disagree. It’s just not what I was hoping to see. But this issue gave me a big part of what I hoped to see in this crossover between 616 and it’s shit-stained counterpart. The story moved forward, but not by too much. Plenty of emotions emerged, but only to a point. But it was still more than enough to be awesome. Anything that results in Jean Grey giving someone (even herself) a hug has to be awesome to some extent.

This issue had action, heart, and attitude in so many right places. It’s only major shortcoming was the lack of details and not just because the ending was too damn abrupt. We didn’t even get a hint at what O5 Jean Grey saw. We didn’t get a hint at what Dr. Doom was planning. But it’s not like these details were completely ignored or thrown away. The story just got cut off before it could get to them. And so long as my weed supply holds, I’m willing to be patient. I give All-New X-men #34 an 8 out of 10. If nothing else, this whole series is showing that Jean Grey has yet another mutation that involves wanting to hug people. I suppose there are way worse powers she could have. I guess she needs lots of hugs after hearing the thoughts of Hank McCoy and Wolverine. They may not be the overtly pornographic hugs I’m used to seeing, but they still put a smile on my face and a boner in my pants for all the right reasons. Nuff said!