Time (Inevitably) Runs Out: X-men Blue #35

The following is my review of X-men Blue #35, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain time-displaced, alternate universe, or cloned characters never wear out their welcome. Time paradoxes aside, someone like Cable is here to stay. Josh Brolin's role in Deadpool 2 and Dafne Keen's role in Logan effectively cements that. Those are rare exceptions, though. For the most part, characters derived from others or a byproduct time travel have an expiration date. It's arguable when that date was for the original five X-men who first came to the future in All-New X-men, but most agree that date has long since passed.

Pretty much every circumstance that kept the time-displaced X-men in the future is moot at this point. Jean Grey is no longer dead. Cyclops never causes a mutant genocide. Iceman doesn't stay in the closet. Angel never loses his wings. At one point, there are legitimate barriers keeping them in the future, which play out in X-men: Battle of the Atom. However, most of those barriers crumble throughout Cullen Bunn's run on X-men Blue. They're now at a point where they not only have the ability to go back. They accept that they must go back.

While the logistics of that story play out in Extermination, there's room for reflections and reconciliations. X-men Blue #35 doesn't act as a prelude to Extermination as much as it does an epilogue to the journey that Brian Michael Bendis began in All-New X-men. These characters, despite the many myriad of complications incurred by time travel, are in a very different place than they were when they first arrived. Some improve their situations. Some see it become much worse. In any case, they're all painfully aware of the headaches generated by time travel.

No matter their status, these iconic characters are no longer the wide-eyed idealists that they were when Charles Xavier began training them. They've seen a future where ideals get tainted at every turn and spirits get broken almost as often. In doing so, these characters diverge considerably from the path they were on before. The structure of X-men Blue #35 is built around each member of the time-displaced X-men confronting their future selves, but affirming that they're not the same person.

The problem is they can't be the person they've become anymore. Beast makes clear that in order to avoid any further pitfalls relating to time travel, he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have to forget everything they've experienced during their time in the future. Going back with the knowledge they have, from who wins in every superhero civil war to who plays in every Super Bowl, has serious implications for the overall continuity of the Marvel universe. Given the many convolutions of that continuity, as it stands, the timeline just can't handle that.

This makes for a strange, but intriguing tension between the characters. In each conversation they have with their future selves, they try to affirm they're their own person. However, they also acknowledge that they can't separate themselves from who they're destined to become. If they do, they break reality and after the events of Secret Wars, the timeline just can't handle that.

Each member of the time-displaced X-men deals with their own existential crisis, of sorts. Jean comes off as having a full-blown identity crisis, lamenting at how she feels false in the presence of her older self. To some extent, she's right. She and her teammates aren't the "true" version of the original five X-men at this point in the timeline. They're anomalies that have to disappear completely in order to keep reality intact. To them, though, going back to their own time doesn't mean resolving a long-standing time travel plot. It means erasing themselves from existence.

It's actually Bobby who seems to understand this more than the others. For him, going back in time means going back to being closeted and that bothers him. It's one of those ideas that would bother anyone identifying as LGBT, having to go back to that isolated place and live a lie. Even though his older self is in a much better place in terms of accepting his identity, it doesn't make the underlying notion less distressing.

That's the overall sentiment of each time-displaced character in X-men Blue #35. They agonize over the idea that everything they've done in the present will only serve those in the present. They still have to go back and endure all the hardships, heartaches, and losses. Despite accepting that they must return to their own time, they establish that their preference is to stay. Existing is just inherently more appealing to oblivion.

While it's easy to sympathize with those feelings, Bunn belabors the consequences of following those feelings. Parallel to the interactions between the time-displaced X-men and their counterparts, there are brief flash-forwards that depict the future that unfolds if they don't go back. This side-story doesn't just link X-men Blue #35 with the events of Extermination. It reveals the extent of the existential crisis the X-men face.

Even if going back to their own time is overdue, there are still a lot of problems that these characters want to resolve. Angel is still going to lose his mind and become a horseman of Apocalypse. Cyclops is still going to end up dead and vilified for all the wrong reasons. Beast is still going to end up a blue, furry ape man who plays fast and loose with time machines. Despite the many harsh realizations they've endured, they still retain that youthful idealism that defines the original five X-men.

If that's the primary goal in X-men Blue #35, it definitely succeeds. In terms of furthering the various other plots that have been unfolding since X-men Blue began, it doesn't fail, but it comes up short. There's a lot of lamentation and frustration, but not much else. This being the penultimate issue of the series, there isn't time to tie up every loose end. However, that's the appeal/irony of time travel stories. If everything were resolved, then time travel wouldn't be necessary in the first place.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

A Real (And Relevant) Coolness: Iceman #1

The following is my review of Iceman #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

No character ever becomes iconic without doing something to set themselves apart. For years, going all the way back to the Lee/Kirby era of Uncanny X-men, Iceman never gets that chance. Despite being a member of the iconic Original Five X-men, he never gets his own Phoenix Saga. He never undergoes a transformation like Angel or Beast. He never even goes through the twisted melodrama of marrying a clone or have a time-displaced child. In a sense, Iceman is like a capable backup quarterback on a team of pro bowl players. He can hold his own. He just never gets a chance to show his skill.

That all changed after the events of All-New X-men #40. In what is, without a doubt, the biggest upheaval in Iceman's 50-plus year history, Jean reveals that he's gay. Now, there's a lot that can be said about how his outing was handled. Jean's somewhat callous approach to the situation, as well as the circumstances in which it occurred, are somewhat troubling. There's also the issue of Iceman's past entanglements with women. Some of them even count as serious. One of them, namely Mystique, almost got him killed.

However, that only makes the reveal more powerful because it reflects the real-life conflicts that many homosexuals deal with. Sometimes, they spend decades of their lives pretending to be something their not. Adding this on top of the underlying themes of the X-men, which is somewhat analogous to LGBT issues, it puts Iceman's story in a whole new context. It does more than set him apart from the rest of the Original Five X-men, who've already done plenty to distinguish themselves. It puts Iceman in a position to forge a unique path, one that few characters of his status have ever attempted.

Iceman #1 isn't entirely structured around Bobby Drake's homosexuality or how he deals with it. It's not built around him just going on solo adventures either. He's not Wolverine, Iron Man, or even Squirrel Girl. His path has the potential to be both unique and revealing. Sina Grace doesn't try to fit Bobby into another Phoenix Saga, a Dark Angel Saga, or any kind of saga. More than anything else, Grace tries to focus on Bobby's very human struggles while still giving him a chance to be Iceman.

In setting up the story, Grace establishes a distinct difference between Iceman and his time-displaced counterpart. Whether due to recklessness or immaturity, the teenage Iceman does a much better job of accepting his sexuality. He even has a male love interest that he's been exploring in other X-men comics. Ironically, the older, adult Iceman is behind the curve of his teenage self. He's admitted that he's gay, but he hasn't done anything with it yet. He's still more focused on being Iceman rather than Bobby Drake.

Iceman #1 puts him in a position where he has to be both. He doesn't face a cosmic entity or a killer robot. Instead, he faces a very real, very relevant issue with his parents. Unlike the rest of the X-men, they don't know that he's gay. His mother even asks about whether or not he has any girlfriends. It establishes that while Iceman may be out as a gay character, he's not quite out with the world at large.

It's the kind of situation that real homosexuals with real families deal with, not knowing how to talk to their parents about their sexuality. Bobby's parents make it even harder because they're not necessarily proud of his mutant status either. They give the impression that they'd much rather see him holding down a steady job as a garbage man rather than regularly saving the planet from Apocalypse. It's not so much that they have unreasonable standards as much as it is they want a "normal" son.

It's a concept that resonates with both mutants and the LGBT community, the idea of being so not normal that it undermines friends, family, and everything in between. In Bobby's case, he's got a double dose of non-normalcy. He's a minority within a minority, a homosexual man and a mutant. That means he can expect double the hate from every racist bigot, of which there are plenty in both the real world and the Marvel universe.

Fittingly enough, the main conflict in Iceman #1 isn't a killer robot or invading aliens. It's a wannabe Purifier, who are basically Marvel's that anti-mutant version of the KKK. While they don't make their position on homosexuality known, it's hard to imagine that would make them any less hostile to someone like Bobby.

It gives Bobby a chance to be a hero and, strangely enough, that's the most normal thing he does. When he's fighting a rogue Purfier, he's the same Iceman that people have known and loved since the Kennedy Administration. It's only when he has to be Bobby Drake that he faces an insurmountable conflict, of sorts. His parents don't accept him. The world, as a whole, doesn't accept him. Even other mutants seem more "normal" by comparison.

It's a powerful message that makes for a story that feels real and relevant. That's the greatest strength of Iceman #1. Grace tells a story that real people can relate to and Alessandro Vitti's artwork makes it visually appealing. Anyone who is LGBT, an outcast, or just not "normal" in a classic sort of way will find something to appreciate.

While the story may feel real, it also lacks the kind of dramatic impact or emotional upheaval that so many other major X-men characters have enjoyed in their 50-year plus history. That may be too much to hope for in one issue of a solo series for a character who hasn't had one before, but while the plot feels real and relevant, the substance is somewhat lacking. It's a competent, cohesive story that delivers a powerful message. It just doesn't go much further than that.

What gives this series promise, though, is the way Grace and Vitti frame Bobby's story at this point in his history. He's a minority within a minority, still trying to be a hero while trying to find his place. Being a hero is the easy part for him. Trying to find his place is a far greater challenge, one that he's very uncertain about. It's easy to be certain when there are killer robots to smash and evil mutant racists to fight. It's much harder to live a distinctly non-normal life that still feels normal. For mutants and LGBT individuals alike, it's an important story to tell.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Clawing For Relevancy: X-men Blue #4

The following is my review of X-men Blue #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for certain comic book characters to be too awesome. It's rarely the fault of the characters themselves. The problem is that when one writer finds a winning formula, a hundred others work tirelessly to recreate it, which leads to some predictably spectacular failures. With all due respect to characters like Hyperion and Sentry, the sheer volume of characters that try to match Superman's winning formula proves that even great success can breed greater problems.

When it comes to the X-men, Wolverine is the spitting, swearing poster boy of this issue. In terms of the overall X-men mythos, he is the standard by which all others are measured. He's an amazing character with a convoluted, but compelling past. He has personality, charisma, and mass appeal that's easy to stick on a T-shirt or lunch box. Few characters can hope to match that standard. Some characters, such as X-23, come surprisingly close. Others, however, fail miserably and become afterthoughts at best.

Up until Secret Wars, Jimmy Hudson was a case study in such failure. In the now-defunct Ultimate Marvel, he attempts to replace Wolverine and falls woefully short at every turn. He does nothing to distinguish himself. He brings nothing new or compelling to the story. He's basically just a teenage Wolverine, minus the skills, the mysterious past, the personality, and the overall appeal. At a time when there are so many other characters, such as X-23 and Old Man Logan, who do a much better job following that formula, Jimmy Hudson enters X-men Blue with some significant headwinds.

In some respects, he's entering a favorable situation. Like him, the original five X-men are exiled from their own timeline. They're also teenagers with lofty legacies to live up to. However, the baggage of being a failed replacement character from a failed series is not easy to escape. Cullen Bunn and Julian Lopez try to make the case in X-men Blue #4 that Jimmy can overcome that baggage. The verdict, however, is incomplete. The jury is still out, but the evidence is not on Jimmy's side.

The structure of the story, itself, as concise and well-crafted. The original five X-men respond to news of a distressed mutant. That's what the X-men of all generations do, time displaced or otherwise. Bunn establishes in the first three issues that this is the core mission of the team. It's simple, familiar, and functional. It works in the sense that it brings out the best in the original five X-men. It continues to work in X-men Blue #4. However, when Jimmy Hudson enters the picture, this core mission clashes with his heaviest baggage.

If Jimmy didn't have claws, wasn't related to Logan, and hadn't been part of a defunct world that stopped being relevant years ago, then his appearance would have some intrigue. Instead, he enters the world of X-men Blue in a way that's so familiar, so predictable, and so devoid of drama that it's hard to get excited about his arrival. Nothing he does sets him apart as a new and intriguing character. If anything, everything he does will just make Wolverine fans miss Logan.

It's one of Jimmy Hudson's biggest problems, both as a character and as plot for X-men Blue #4. It's a problem that has lingered since his first appearance in Ultimate X. The fact that Jimmy Hudson is Logan's son isn't the issue. The problem is he does nothing to really set himself apart.

In every comic since his first appearance, he doesn't carry himself as Jimmy. He carries himself as teenage Logan. It would be far more intriguing if someone had just cast a magic spell and reverted Logan back to a teenager. Given the abundance of overpowered sorcerers and time machines in the Marvel universe, that really isn't much of a stretch.

That all-too familiar tradition continues in X-men Blue #4. All the familiar Logan tropes are there. Jimmy is alone in a hostile wilderness, stuck in a blood rage, and can't remember where he came from. These are all core themes of at least a dozen other Wolverine stories since 1975. There's nothing distinct or memorable here. Jimmy once again conducts himself as a teenage Logan and nothing more. Unlike the original five X-men, though, he can't use time displacement as an excuse.

It might be understandable for Jimmy to struggle to escape his Logan's shadow in the sense that he sets the bar pretty high. Wolverine is one of the most popular comic book characters of all time. He's the one who helped make Hugh Jackman famous. Expecting Jimmy to even come close to that bar seems unreasonable. However, that excuse fails too because there is a precedent, which further undermines Jimmy's case.

Other characters inspired or derived from Wolverine have succeeded. Both X-23 and Daken have established themselves as solid, compelling characters who can hold their own without being too similar to Logan. X-23 does such a good job of this that she went onto become one of the best parts of the last Wolverine movie. Jimmy Hudson, though, gives no impression that he deserves a role next to Hugh Jackman.

Unlike Daken and X-23, Jimmy does nothing to stand out whether he's in a fight or standing on a street corner. His only distinguishing feature is his blond hair. If Molina were to use the wrong color, then few would be able to discern Jimmy from an overly youthful Logan. Given all the other distinguishing traits of Daken and X-23, which include tattoos and different claw configurations, Jimmy feels less like a derivation and more of a rip-off.

At the very least, his presence doesn't derail the story in X-men Blue #4. Bunn never makes him the primary focal point and that keeps the narrative on-track and consistent with the themes of the series. Jimmy's presence even manages to incur a distinct twist to the story that couldn't be done with X-23 or Daken. He acts primarily as a catalyst for the original five X-men's next challenge. He succeeds in this, but fails be distinct or compelling at any point in the process.

He's still that character who failed miserably to fill the void left by Logan's death in Ultimate Marvel. Now, he's in a world where two other characters can claim some measure of success, one of which made Dafne Keen famous. Jimmy is a long way from that kind of success. That baggage is still as heavy as ever. He's still that character few mourned when Ultimate perished at the end of Secret Wars. Escaping that baggage isn't easy and with X-men Blue #4, he's off to a poor start.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

An Original Cast With Renewed Energy: X-men Blue #1

The following is my review of X-men Blue #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Some concepts work well in any era, no matter the context. Those concepts are few and far between, but their universal appeal is what helps make them iconic. When it comes to the original five X-men, as created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby over 50 years ago, they check all the right boxes with respect to those concepts.

They're young, idealistic, vulnerable, determined, anxious, eager, and even a little arrogant at times. They believe in following a dream. They also haven't experienced the harshest realities of the real world, which tend to crush dreams like Juggernaut in a china shop. Since arriving in a future where they find out their future selves are dead, disfigured, or had lost their minds, they fight desperately to cling to those dreams. Despite the knowledge that those dreams shattered under the weight of cosmic forces, psychic manipulation, and evil clones, they still fight for that dream. It says a lot about both their youthful spirit, as well as their youthful arrogance.

They may not need that arrogance quite as much these days. After the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, the dream the original five X-men fight for isn't quite as shattered as before. Mutants are no longer being gassed to death by a giant green cloud and the Scarlet Witch hasn't had a mental breakdown lately. That means mutants have a future again and, despite being the product of an out-of-control time travel plot, they seek to forge part of that future in X-men Blue.

Cullen Bunn and Jorge Molina bring the original five X-men back together in X-men Blue #1, attempting to capture as much of those classic concepts as possible while fitting them into a new status quo. That includes everything from teenagers complaining about random things and fighting the Juggernaut. By all those lofty standards of the Kirby/Lee tradition, it still checks the right boxes boxes.

From the outset, the story is fairly basic. The Original Five X-men go up against an old enemy in Black Tom, but from their time-displaced perspective, he's a fresh face with a sinister mustache. There's not much to Black Tom's plot. He's just holding a lot of rich people hostage, twirling his sinister mustache, and generally doing all the things Lex Luthor used to do before he got into politics.

There may not be much complexity to that plot at first, but it still leads to some entertaining theatrics that allow the time-displaced X-men to stop lamenting about their future selves and just be heroes. Given that they're still teenagers, there is some lamenting, but Bunn makes sure it's doesn't devolve into the kind of teen angst that often plagued the characters after Secret Wars. That makes the effect of X-men Blue #1 all the more profound because it shifts the tone back to a sense of youthful idealism. After surviving a poison gas cloud, it's a shift that needed to happen.

As the story unfolds, new complexities emerge. The narrative doesn't just rely on a group of teenage mutants flying in and saving the day. The battle also illustrates some new dynamics within the team. Most notably, Jean Grey is now the leader. It may not be akin to making Doop the leader, but the change is notable in the way the X-men conduct themselves.

It's different in that Cyclops doesn't go barking out orders while everyone else jokes about how uptight he is. Jean Grey's style of leadership is different in that she'll spearhead the charge, but trusts her teammates to handle themselves, even against someone like Juggernaut. This style isn't without its faults though. They quickly get overwhelmed and end up having to wing it in order to save the day, so much that they end up having to cheat with magic.

This is where X-men Blue #1 ties itself into the larger narrative that has been unfolding with the time-displaced X-men since they arrived in the future back in All-New X-men. Bunn doesn't ignore the nuances have emerged with certain characters. In this case, Beast's newfound appreciation of magic proves pivotal, both in terms of resolving a conflict and establishing new levels of tension. It makes for different tactics, but it also leads to arguments and uncertainties about how the team operates. In a team made up of entirely of teenagers, that's always fertile ground for conflict.

It also establishes that while X-men Blue is relying on more traditional X-men dynamics, the team is still very much a work-in-progress. Jean Grey is still learning how to lead. Beast is still learning how to manage his new mystical abilities. All the while, Cyclops has to resist the urge to start barking out orders again. As a team, they're not a finished product. They're still rookies who have the potential to be all stars, but are a long way from that level.

That sense of growth is one of the greatest strengths in X-men Blue #1. Even though it uses a team line-up that was introduced during the Kennedy Administration, it still comes off as novel. It's very much a product of an evolving narrative, one that has taken many twists and come dangerously close to being derailed. Magic and tactics aside, Bunn seems to have the original five X-men back on track and Molina's artwork makes them look good while they do it.

That track even has some interesting turns towards the end. While the story starts off as fairly basic, it gains greater intrigue towards the end. There are hints and teases about the Original Five X-men's larger goals and how they intend to go about it. Coming on the heels of a classic clash that brings new energy to a team that underwent so much upheaval, X-men Blue #1 creates a new foundation for an old cast of characters. For characters are teenagers, time-displaced, and dabbling in magic, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

All-New X-men #40 Reveals Iceman as Gay...So WTF?

It used to be that somebody famous coming out as gay was a big fucking deal. There are still some people out there who refuse to believe that Rock Hudson, Elton John, and Ricky Martin are gay. These are probably the same people that believe Elvis is still alive. That's not to say it's an irrelevant issue. There are entire organizations, many of them following the proud tradition began by Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who make it their mission to treat gays the same way Michael Meyers treats babysitters. These people are a growing minority and will one day go the way of the Zune, but that doesn't mean gay issues aren't relevant.

Marvel is no stranger to exploring that rainbow-colored side of the garden. Just a few years ago, Marvel celebrated its first gay wedding between Northstar and his boyfriend in Astonishing X-men #50. That didn't piss off anyone who doesn't donate money to Rick Santorum. And Marvel already has a pretty impressive cast of gay or bisexual characters such as Mystique, Northstar, and Loki. Then there's Daken, but I'm convinced that guy will fuck anything with a pulse so maybe that's not a good example. Then earlier today Marvel attempted to make Jerry Falwell turn over in his grave again. They revealed that Iceman, one of the original X-men, is gay.

Newsarama: Original X-men Comes Out As Gay

This is not a joke. This is not something that a bunch of stoners came up with while stoned out of their minds on 4/20. This is a real news story, complete with scans from All-New X-men #40. There's nothing subtle about it. There's nothing built up. O5 Jean just pulls O5 Iceman aside and basically tells him she knows he's gay. That's it. This massive WTF retcon is about as contrived as the original ending to Mass Effect 3.

Now I have no problems with Iceman being gay. He's had no real female love interests that have stuck over the years. He's dated Kitty Pryde. He's dated Mystique. He's dated Opal. Unless someone went out of their way to follow Iceman's love life, they would never know these relationships existed. And it happens in the real world. Gay people do try to date straight people. They do it for the same I go to male strip club. Sometimes you just like to wander onto the other side of the fence. It's not right or wrong. However, it does present a big fucking problem.

First and foremost, there was absolutely no build-up to this. Iceman never dropped any hints. He never flirted with any men. He never showed even a shred of interest. There's being closeted and then there's just being fucking stupid. And for it to be revealed like this...it feels like a little girl telling her parents she killed a hobo while talking about her day at school. It just comes out of fucking nowhere. It has no depth behind it. It doesn't have any significant meaning other than changing something randomly.

It also really fucks with his history in ways that are nearly as bad as the Maximoff twins retcon from AXIS. O5 Jean Grey is not the only telepath in the X-men. She's not even the most powerful. O5 Iceman has lived around the likes of Emma Frost, Professor Xavier, Kid Omega, Psylocke, Rachel Grey, and an adult Jean Grey. These are not novice telepaths. Hell, Iceman was actually involved with Emma Frost at one point. And if Emma Frost can't pick up that he's gay, then how the fuck can a teenage Jean Grey pick up on it? Then again, it's Emma Frost. I don't care how gay any man is. If they have a chance to hook up with Emma Frost, they're going to fucking do it.

Then there are the other relationships he's had. He dated Kitty Pryde very recently and he wasn't the one that broke up with her. She did that to him. Moreover, there was even a glimpse into the future as recently as Wolverine and the X-men #29 where it was shown that Kitty and Iceman had a kid named Carmen Drake. Now I get that gay men can sometimes father children, but this just shows that the idea of making Iceman gay feels like one of those knee-jerk instincts that leads to half the marriages in Las Vegas.

Overall, this feels way too forced. O5 Iceman is the only character in All-New X-men who hasn't had anything meaningful happen to him. He hasn't experienced any fucked up revelations or had any stories that really center around him. This just feels like a cheap way to make him relevant in a series where he's done jack shit. If that's the only reason Marvel is doing it, then it's a shitty reason. It would make perfect sense if Iceman was bisexual. At least that would explain his past relationships and behavior. But this just feels way too fucking forced. There are other ways to make Iceman relevant in the comics, but those ways might require additional effort and I guess that was something that Marvel wasn't willing to do. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #7 - A Scientific Method for Awesome

Whenever I read stories about the human body it often reminds me that my internal organs are probably more fucked than a Bangkok whore on coupon day. I'm often amazed at the sheer majesty of the human body, especially when beautiful women allow me to observe it up close after a few shots of tequila. Stories about people shrinking themselves and exploring god's handiwork are as old as Betty White's last used tampon. So how do you add a novel twist on this plot? Three words: aliens, alien spores, and alien conspiracies. Okay, so maybe just aliens will suffice.

Wolverine and the X-men has already proven to be a wildly entertaining book without aliens. In it's inaugural arc it brought homicidal kids, an army of Frankensteins, and a living island. And yes, that was just one arc. Apparently, Jason Aaron treats his stories the same way he treats his beard. He just doesn't know when to cut it off. If anything, a plot involving aliens feels almost normal in a comic that has prided itself on being awesome in a more light-hearted way that still involves the threat of gruesome death. It may sound as awkward as an Amish hacker, but Jason Aaron has made it work in a way that would make the late Steve Jobs proud. May he rest triumphantly in Valhalla!

Mr. Aaron has taken Marvel's favorite race of hostile aliens who treat blood the same way my ex-girlfriend treats chocolate when she's PMSing (only with slightly less hostility). They have been unleashed both on the Jean Grey Institute and on Kitty Pryde's innards. In the last issue it was revealed that the mastermind behind this rather misogynistic plot that would give Rush Limbaugh a boner was orchestrated by another alien that seems to enjoy keeping the Brood as pets. Perhaps he killed one too many goldfish as a kid, but who am I to judge? This nameless alien showed up at the institute and attacked Broo and Kitty Pryde while Beast led an expedition into Kitty's body in an effort to destroy the army of mini-Brood that had been unleashed inside her. All the while, the institute is still dealing with financial issues after Angel lost his fucking mind and the Hellfire kids took control of his company. So Wolverine decided to take the most ridiculous approach towards solving this problem and dragged Kid Omega to an alien casino where he hoped to cheat his way into enough funding. I think someone needs to pull him aside and explain the merits of a fundraiser, but then again he's Wolverine. If he's not laying his dick on the edge of an axe, it's just not worth doing for him.

At the end of the previous issue, both sides were chin deep in shit. This issue begins in a way that doesn't make it smell any nicer. Kid Gladiator, the institute's resident egotistical douche from every bad 80s teen movie, thought he could handle an army of invading Brood by himself. So it's almost satisfying to see him get turned into a Brood. It sucks for Iceman, Warbird, Beast, and everyone else who are having a hard enough time trying to make sure these mini-Brood don't ravage Kitty's womb in a way almost as bad as what Tommy Lee did to Pamela Anderson. Despite Kid Gladiator acting like more of a douche than usual, Beast manages to locate the main egg sack where all the mini-Brood are coming from. It's not entirely clear if this sac is located in Kitty's stomach or lady parts. I'm guessing Marvel wants to leave explaining female anatomy to parents and internet porn.

Outside the bounds of female anatomy, a conflict is still brewing from the source of this Limbaugh-esque assault on female biology. The big, tough, imposing alien that killed a legion of SWORD agents just a few issues ago went through a lot of trouble to get to Broo in the last issue. Well he finally reached his target and he could easily grab the little critter by the neck and snap it like my 8th grade Algebra teacher snapped any fondness I may have had for numbers. But that would be too basic and bland for someone with as twisted a mind as Jason Aaron's. Instead, Broo and the mysterious alien sit down and have a little chat. They don't light a joint or anything, but they do talk seriously and it's not as fucked up as it sounds. Okay, anything involving aliens is fucked up on some levels, but you get what I mean.

The alien's name is Professor Xanto Starblood. Aside from having the most awesome name for a professor ever since Professor Ironcock Hellbone, he's an extreme zoologist of sorts. He and Broo discuss the intricate order of evolutionary biology. To him, it's fragile in a way that would make a fundamentalist Christian's head explode. So when he finds a tiny little Brood that acts very un-Brood like, he sees that in the same way as we would see Pat Robertson digging up Charles Darwin's body and butt-fucking his corpse. He sees Broo as a massive flaw in the evolutionary web of life and like a neurotic roommate, he just has to clean it up. Unfortunately, that means wiping the floor with Broo's blood. As for Kitty Pryde? She was just bait and a diversion. Because what's more distracting than a woman for whom the integrity of her snatch is in danger?

Speaking of integrity, remember how Wolverine dragged Kid Omega across the galaxy to an alien casino in hopes of cheating his way into easy money to help fund the institute? I guess when you put it like that it sounds like a dick move. Naturally, the alien heads of the casino think so as well and show once again that no matter how alien a race may be, if you try to cheat them out of cash they will fuck you up. Armed with untold billions of alien loot, Kid Omega and Wolverine try to fight their way out of the casino and towards Warren Buffet's tax bracket. Kid Omega even shows off some kick-ass new psychic skills, namely forming a shotgun out of telekinesis and taking on the aliens in the tradition of Evil Dead 2. While Kid Omega may be a way bigger douche than Bruce Campbell, it's hard to deny that he looks pretty damn badass.

Broo could use such badassery in fighting for his life. It's not your typical alien vs. alien brawl because Broo is trying to maintain his whole hippie Brood persona. It's not just my drunken labeling of his persona. It's a vital aspect of his character. Professor Starblood doesn't seem to give three tenths of a damn about his pacifism. Broo, to his credit, still tries to reason with him. He brings up a prophecy of a peaceful Broo being born and tries to paint himself as sort of a Broo Jesus. Starblood doesn't buy it. Apparently, he doesn't care much for the prophecy angle. He's sort of the alien Richard Dawkins and as such, playing the magic card won't fly with him.

While Broo is clearly outmatched and a shitty fighter for a Brood, Kitty Pryde still tries to contribute in her faux-pregnant condition. She sicks an army of bamfs on Starblood, which are basically mini-Nightcrawlers minus the charming personality. It certainly succeeds in disorienting Starblood. It probably gives him a killer headache when they drop him at high altitudes and have Karoka slam his ass into the ground. It's the first time the bamfs have contributed to doing more than just reminding readers how much they miss Nightcrawler or stealing Wolverine's liquor. It's also the first time Karoka contributes in a way that doesn't involve driving seismologists and geologists crazy.

The battle against Professor Starblood and the battle against casino security quickly begin to decline. Karoka's body slam did little to stop Professor Starblood, much in the same way every croc in the world failed at subduing Steve Irwin. At the same time, all the telekinetic shotguns in the universe aren't enough to protect Wolverine and Kid Omega from casino security. After stabbing and fighting his way through glitz and glamor of an interstellar casino, Wolverine gets his legs shot out from under him in a way that would make Robert DeNiro proud. Starblood also fights his way back to Broo and roughs Kitty Pryde up for throwing him into the teeth of a living island. And this is what sends Broo over the edge. It's one thing to try to kill him, but when you smack up a lady that you also infected with with killer aliens that crosses a seriously fucked up line. So Broo finally ditches the hippie mentality and channels his inner Brood to attack Professor Starblood and all his bullshit credentials.

It gets pretty messy, but believe or not this isn't the messiest part of the story. Inside Kitty's innards, Beast has prepared a little biological smart bomb for the alien hive that set up shop in her lady parts. So even as they're restraining Kid Gladiator, he manages to set it off. This succeeds in destroying the spores, but it also succeeds in causing Kitty Pryde to puke up more crap than all sluts that ever got wasted at Charlie Sheen's house. If you aren't used to puking in trash cans at three in the morning, you might want to look away because it's as graphic as it is awesome.

So Kitty has officially turned off every bulimic in the history of the world and purged herself of the alien threat to her womb. She also seemed to barf up Beast and the rest of the X-men, who quickly return to normal size just in time to see Broo bloodying Professor Starblood like Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV. It's remarkable that a creature so undersized can rough up someone as imposing as Starblood, but the man is a professor. Not a cage fighter. So Beast ends up having to restrain Broo before he makes the cleanup any more expensive than it needs to be. Since shit with Wolverine and Kid Omega clearly didn't go that well in the alien casino, they need to think about cutting costs.

Later on while everyone is recovering and doing their best not to puke, we get some nice resolutions. Professor Starblood is hauled off by SWORD, but he leaves with a smile because he proved to Broo that on a basic level he's no different from his brethren. That means the biological order is safe. And all it took for him to prove was the death of a few SWORD agents and some irreparable damage to Kitty's insides. Seems like a fair trade for science. Speaking of Kitty, she's obviously a little fucked up after puking her guts up and thinking she was pregnant. But it actually becomes a more personal moment. She confides to Bobby that she was actually relieved when she found out it was aliens and not a baby in her lady parts. What's that say about her aside from shit that would make her best friends with Sandra Fluke? She sees it as a sign that she hasn't grown up. So what's she do? She kisses Bobby Drake in a show of clear maturity and/or hormonal imbalance. Is that supposed to be a sign of growing up? I don't know, but it means Iceman could be getting some long overdue play...after Kitty's pussy heals of course.

In addition, the whole funding issue with the institute is also resolved. However, it's not because of any winnings that Wolverine managed to wrestle away from an alien casino. Out of the blue, there's a panel that shows Rachel discovering that Karoka is capable of pooping out big ass diamonds that sell for a kings ransom. It has nothing to do with the plots in this arc. Absolutely nothing at all built up to it either. It just comes right out of the blue, ending the whole financial difficulties plot. Maybe I'm just bitter about people finding money-making schemes that work, but I have to call bullshit here. If fixing the money woes were that easy, then what was the fucking point of Wolverine heading off into space with Kid Omega?

Speaking of which, their little scam turned out to be a complete bust. Kid Omega manages to get Wolverine out of the casino, but not before they fuck him up even more and turn his legs into pretzels. It's a pretty fucked up sight, but compared to Kitty puking earlier it's not even as nauseating as the last Ghost Rider movie. So Kid Omega and Wolverine fly back to Earth empty handed and with their asses served to them in a doggie bag. I ask again, what was the point of this plot when Karoka pretty much solved all their money woes in one panel? Was it just a means of getting Wolverine and Kid Omega to play high roller in an alien casino? It's an admirable ambition, but without purpose it's just all style and no substance. And in this day and age, it's best to leave that shit to the Lady Gaga's of the world.

There's a lot to love with the Wolverine and the X-men series. Every time I get wasted and do a review, I find another reason to get all giddy about this series. A lot of new series tend to start strong, but like cigarette companies they really stop trying once they get you hooked with those first few hits. They try to assume that the addictive nature of their product will keep you locked in. Unfortunately, comic companies don't have the luxury of working with nicotine and carcinogens. They actually have to keep the series coherent, enjoyable, and throw in a few nice twists along the way. Jason Aaron does all that with this comic while bringing a slight tear to your eye. While this issue was mostly about rescuing Kitty and funding the institute, Broo really stole the show. The lovable hippie Brood showed his vulnerable side, which also happens to be his badass side. In many ways it was almost as emotional as Kitty swapping spit with Iceman, although that could just be the faux pregnancy hormones kicking in. Even for a book that's more light-hearted than other X-books, it's a great way to really tug on the heart strings and make you actually care about the lovable creature that's so cute yet capable of ripping the spine from your body with his teeth.

It all made for a very solid ending to a rather colorful arc that went from casinos in deep space to the depths of Kitty Pryde's lady parts, all while remaining coherent. However, the resolution on some levels fell a bit flat in some areas. Wolverine and Kid Omega's venture in the casino turned out to be a bust and that's okay. But finding out along the way that Karoka can create diamonds that will essentially end the institute's funding problems seems to render the whole struggle a complete crock. Now that's not to say that this little adventure into the high-stakes world of alien gaming wasn't enjoyable, but in the end it was essentially rendered unnecessary. And nothing nullifies a great story more than making it worth the same as a Zimbabwe penny.

Never-the-less, this was still a quality issue with plenty of shit to enjoy. If you can get over Kitty Pryde puking her guts and an alien nest or Wolverine's legs getting the Joe Pesci treatment, then you'll have little reasons to complain. Jason Aaron, through either brilliance or awesome drugs that I'll never have access to, has found a way to mix alien attacks, fake pregnancies, and teen angst all into one arc. Like having a thousand dollars in unmarked bills in downtown Tijuana, it'll get you shit you'll never get anywhere else. I give Wolverine and the X-men #7 a 4.5 out of 5. A lot of people complain about how nothing is really new anymore. I say unto those whining assholes that there's a comic that has women getting pregnant with alien babies, real life issues of insufficient funding, and alien casinos. So stop whining like a bitch and enjoy this comic! Nuff said.

X-men Supreme Reflections: Bobby Drake is LIVE!

This is it! Another volume of X-men Supreme Reflections has officially ended. This has been a very fun little series to work on. It has allowed me to refine this fanfiction series in ways that help tie together all those special elements that make Marvel's famous X-men the awesome characters they are. I knew I wanted to give the Original Five the Supreme Reflections treatment at one point. Now that I've reached the end, I'm very pleased with how it turned out. The final entry of this round of Supreme Reflections is Iceman. I felt it was fitting to end with him because he went through so many emotional upheavals throughout X-men Supreme Volume 1 and 2 and it finally culminated in the final issue. Now I have a chance to reflect on all these issues. I hope you all enjoy it! I want it to be as cool as Iceman deserves.

Supreme Reflections: Bobby Drake

Now that X-men Supreme Reflections: Volume 2 is done, I can finally announce something that I've had planned for quite a while now. Before I get started on X-men Supreme Volume 3, I want to throw in a little something extra. Every now and then, Marvel will take some time to publish a giant sized one-shot that tells a largely self-contained X-men story. These usually come in the form of annuals or specials. Well since I'm treating X-men Supreme like a real comic book series, it's only fitting that I do one as well. So I'm proud to announce X-men Supreme Issue 0, a special one-shot that takes place before the beginning of this series and covers a special adventure with the Original Five X-men that we all know and love. It will come out in two weeks just in time for Christmas. Think of it as one last bonus before I begin Volume 3! I don't want to give too much away, but I promise to have more details within a week!

I have so many big plans for X-men Supreme. I hope you all are enjoying it thus far. As always, I urge everyone to take the time to read and review my work. There's a review function for every issue and you can always contact me if you wish to discuss this fanfiction series or X-men in general. I'm always open to feedback. Thanks again for all your support. Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Reflections: Bobby Drake PREVIEW

It's getting to be that time of year again and I'm not just talking about the holidays. The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is entering a critical area. I'm making a big push to finish up Supreme Reflections Volume 2 so I can start on X-men Supreme Volume 3 by the end of the year. So far I've covered four of Marvel's famous Original Five X-men. There's only one left, the ever lovable Bobby Drake. Like Angel before him, he underwent some serious drama throughout X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. His relationship with Polaris has been a major driving force throughout this fanfiction series. Now that it's over, he can take time to reflect. That's what I hope to do with the final entry of X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 2. I've prepared an extended preview of what you can expect from the X-men's lovable Iceman.

I shouldn’t be droning like this. I’ve never let myself get this down before. I’ve always found a way to pick myself up and make a joke out of my problems. So what happened? Why is it so much harder this time?

It’s not like I haven’t been through hardship. I was practically born into it in South Boston. I’m talking about a rough neighborhood with touch, ridged, blue-collar people whose sense of humor was as limited as their income bracket. My parents sure fit the mold. My dad busted his ass on the docks for 60 hours a week while my mom had been bussing tables at restaurants since she was 17. It was not a fun environment. Our house had more leaks in it than an incontinent dog and the only entertainment my folks would splurge on was a small TV with basic cable. It’s the last place you would expect a career class clown to emerge.

I guess it’s just how I learned to cope. When you’ve got so little growing up, you have to find a way to compensate. A sense of humor ended up working for me. I remember how when I was young, my parents would always come home tired and exhausted. They looked so miserable and being the only one not toiling away for paychecks, I took it upon myself to make them smile. I would walk into the living room with a cooking pot on my head, swim trunks on my arms, and a towel as a cape and claim I flew in from the planet Chocolaton-Five and was looking to gather all the chocolate ice cream in the galaxy. They got a real kick out of it. I wasn’t always the funniest kid, but I did get them to smile. From there, the whole jokester persona stuck.

It didn’t always go over well. I remember this time I went a little overboard with my act once. I grabbed my dad’s tools, put on my mom’s apron, and pretended to be a firefighter. It was cute at first until I tripped, bumped into the kitchen table, and knocked some of our less-than-fancy dishes onto the floor so they broke into a million pieces. To say I got yelled at would not do justice to the permanent hearing damage I probably inferred. I know now I went a little too far with that joke. It may even count as a sign of things to come with Lorna.

Bobby cringed at the many indicators that should have been obvious with Lorna. He pulled the pillow off his face and let it fall to his side. With his arms and legs now lazily draping off the couch, he let out an embittered sigh. The sorrow was becoming too much and frustration was setting in. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be.

“Pull yourself together, Drake! The hell is wrong with you?” Bobby groaned to himself.

He wasn’t supposed to be like this. He refused to let it get him down. His missteps with Lorna couldn’t be the same as the mishaps of his past. The real Bobby Drake knew how to rise above those and move forward.

While my focus is on completing Supreme Reflections, I'm also getting ready to make a major announcement for a very special event for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Every so often, Marvel Comics will take time from continuing their epic stories to do one-shots that help add depth and history to their universe. Well the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is no different. I don't plan on following the events of this series in a completely linear fashion. I want to explore the entire history that I've set up in this unique brand of X-men. Now that I have two volumes of fanfiction under my belt, I'm ready to explore that history. I hope others are willing to explore it as well! So stay tuned for some big announcements. If you have any questions or comments in the meantime, feel free to contact me at any time. Until then, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Ultimate X-men #1 - The Ultimate Letdown

I consider myself an equal opportunity drunk. By that I mean if I get fucked up on one exotic substance, I make it a point to get fucked up on another just to ensure the karma of the universe remains intact. Sure, it makes me sick to my stomach. I think I puked up half my small intestines after reading Ultimate Spider-Man #1. And I can objectively say that the reddish brown entrails on the gas station toilet had more creative merit than that piece of shit. Ultimate comics have sucked so bad that it's made me wish that kid who kicked my ass in school spiked my milk with rat poison rather than laxatives. That would be far less painful than this shit. But in the spirit of fucking myself up on a balanced level, I've decided to review Ultimate X-men #1. After reading Ultimate X #4 I now go into uncontrolled convulsions every time I read the worlds Ultimate and X-men in one sentence. It's hard to believe that this used to be my favorite book for the better part of a decade. Since then it's crashed harder than Tiger Woods's image.

Ultimate X-men is like a corpse that's already been butt-fucked by necrophiliacs, lit on fire, pissed out by incontinent monkeys, and then shit on again by a pack of constipated elephants. Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Moses, and Xenu couldn't fix this shit with all the magic from every holy book ever written. That's what happens when you have an event like Ultimatum that essentially butchers good characters in a way so tasteless that Marvel might as well have paid a bum four bucks to stab their fans with a rusty knife. Now the only fans who seem to enjoy Ultimate X-men are the fans that never gave a shit about X-men in the first place or hate the major characters that make up the X-men. But by that definition, they aren't really X-men fans! So what the fuck is the point of this book?

Apparently, Marvel is treating Ultimate like that sandbox every kid takes a shit in. It was once fun, but nobody wants to go near it anymore. It's like that slut in your senior year of high school that everybody fucks and will do anything you want. Those sluts usually disappear without a trace for a reason. But not Ultimate X-men. Marvel insists on telling an X-men story where Cyclops, Wolverine, Professor Xavier, Magneto, Gambit, and Angel are dead. Well if that's the story they want to tell, then why the fuck call it X-men? But I digress.

Ultimate X-men is basically a world where all X-men are screwed. Magneto inflicted mass genocide. Now all mutants are basically criminals by association. They're to be shot on sight or thrown into prison camps. It's not an issue of them being victims. Magneto fucked them all over and there's no going back from it. They might as well be Nazis trying to win the Jewish vote in Florida. There's just no coming back from genocide. You're either screwed over or slightly less screwed over. The new writer, Nick Spencer, has a proven track record with titles like Morning Glories (a book you should totally read if you haven't already). However, he seems to have drawn the short straw and has to tell stories in this shitty series about how shitty the lives of mutants are. I actually feel sorry for the guy because he might as well be trying to market used toilet paper. But enough shitting over this already wrecked stage. What exactly does this shell of an X-book have to offer? Well that's why I'm here, people! I review this shit so you don't have to.

Ultimate X-men #1 starts off with Karen Grant. She's another brilliant fuck-up from the X-books. She was once Jean Grey, an outgoing and passionate character that was one of Ultimate's most lovable characters. Then after Ultimatum she changed her appearance, took on the role of Karen Grant, and become this emo porcelain doll with the personality depth of someone who had a botched frontal lobotomy. She even refers to Jean Grey in the past tense. She doesn't even consider herself Jean Grey anymore. And maybe that's for the better because she has the people skills of a crack head. It shows when she visits this woman who just found out her daughter is a mutant. She has red hair and telekinesis. Really? In a book where and I quote "Anything can happen" this is what they come up with? I'm sorry, but Generation Hope beat this book to the punch by over a fucking year. Since when did "anything" mean shit that was done less than a year ago?

So they're talking and Jean goes over how fucked all mutants are. They're basically under the thumb of the government and the only reason she's not in a prison camp is because Nick Fury says so. She didn't even say she could help. She says she's just visiting out of "concern." As if somehow that's enough to do much good. She has nothing to offer this woman. No hope for her daughter other than a life that sucks. So when there's a bang off panel and the girl's father comes down carrying a shotgun saying he just killed his daughter, there's really no impact. It's not all that shocking or all that hard hitting. It's meant to be an emotional scene, but since this is an Ultimate book it's just par for the course. So a man kills his daughter when she finds out she's a mutant. In Ultimate, that's like finding out that Lindsey Lohan got arrested again. Boring!

Then the book gets political because seriously, what's more exciting than politics in comic books? Isn't that why fans read books and not because of the characters that the title on the cover promises? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Anyways, Valerie Cooper basically holds a press conference telling the world what readers found out in Ultimate Origins (nearly four years ago). Mutants aren't a big step in evolution. They're just a failed science experiment. This as opposed to being the product of alien space gods like the Celestials in 616. That's like going from fucking Pamela Anderson to fucking Betty White.

Watching this news conference are the rag-tag team of non-X-men that were assembled in Ultimate X. They include Jimmy (Wolverine replacement), Derek Morgan (a Batman/Daredevil/Angel ripoff), and Liz Allen (whiny bitch that's just annoying). They're understandably frustrated by the royal screw-job that mutants are getting. But again, they got no choice and no hope. They're basically just hanging around Karen because she's on Nick Fury's good side and he's keeping them out of jail. This leaves Jimmy the Wolverine rip-off to basically copy his old man completely and strike out on his own. He wants to see this place where mutants were first made. For a moment it sounds like Wolverine isn't even dead. Ultimate X sucked ass, but at least Jimmy made an effort not to be too much like his old man. Seriously, if Marvel wants an X-men series where Wolverine is dead, why replace him with a kid that acts just like him?

So the news report continues because politics are just so exciting. Valerie Cooper continues answering questions, basically taking excuses right from the press in 1942 when everyone was justifying the internment of the Japanese. The difference here is that mutants are being prodded like cattle as a scene with Colossus so nicely illustrates. There are some places that claim to be nice such as the one Storm is at, but those are just for photo-ops. I'm not sure if the historical parallels are supposed to apply here, but they do to a point. The only difference is that if a guy like Magneto inflicts mass genocide then something as shitty as internment camps actually seems reasonable. That's how fucked up politics are in Ultimate. Michelle Bachmann would be right at home.

But it isn't just prison camps that are screwing mutants over. Some are still on the loose. Some still need to be hunted. How do they do that? Well here's a pop quiz for all you X-men fans out there. What other reality has mutants being hunted and thrown into prison camps? If you answered Days of Futures Past, you get a gold star and bonus points for being able to look up a story that is over 30 years old. Now Nick Spencer claimed that he's simply taking some inspiration from Days of Futures Past. He's not just ripping it off. I want to believe him. I really do. But when Rogue, who has been on the run since Ultimate X, is confronted by a Nimrod sentinel that might as well have been copied and pasted from the old Days of Futures Past storyline then I have to cry foul.

This is a huge problem for me among many. Ultimate has been pitched as this place where these new, novel stories can be told that can't be told in 616. But mutants being hunted and thrown into prison camps is not new. Days of Futures Past is an old story. It's one thing to take some elements from it. I know pretty much everything is a rip-off these days, but it's a matter of degree. When you throw the Nimrod sentinel into the mix and it looks almost exactly like it's 30-year-old counterpart then that's ten degrees too much. It's such an egregious level that Al Gore could make a documentary out of it.

So the White House press event went about as well as it does in real life. That is to say it triggered riots all over the country. So at least Ultimate still gets some things right. It falls on Nick Fury to do something about it. Yet he's the guy putting together a mutant team with a Karen Grant and Wolverine's kid. So how is he credible again? He's prepared to call in the National Guard, which in comics is like admitting your a pussy. That's when Quicksilver shows up. You know, the guy who basically manipulated Magneto into conducting mass genocide by making him believe his children were dead? He comes along and no one shoots on him the spot because only the readers know that. Now I know dramatic irony is supposed to heighten the moment here, but all it really does is make Fury and the President look like morons because they actually take him seriously. Pietro doesn't actually reveal what he has in mind. No, that's because this is a setup issue. That means shit isn't going to happen until the next issue. It's not a cliff-hanger. It's basically a hostage situation.

So most of this comic has essentially showed you how fucked mutants are and how fucked they're going to be with Quicksilver working out his daddy issues. Now we revisit some of the other X-men that weren't horribly butchered. Kitty Pryde, Bobby Drake, and Johnny Storm have all basically given up on the whole hero gig. It's hard to be a hero when everyone wants to kill you. So they just live the life of hobos, sleeping in old Morlock caverns. Yet they're aware of the crap that's going on and aren't inclined to thrust themselves into that shit storm. And who can blame them? This is one instance were being a hero is not just stupid. It's pretty much pointless.

But then Bobby points out on his nifty product placement ipad (I'm sure Marvel gets a shit ton of free itunes cards for this) that Rogue is involved in one of those riots. Well that seals it. When an old girlfriend is about to get lynched, that warrants coming out of the sewer and actually kicking some ass. It would be so heroic if at the end Kitty doesn't narrate it as saying this is how she became the world's most wanted terrorist. There's trying to twist the plot and then there's just trying too hard. So now they're going to become terrorists? Yet this book is called Ultimate X-men, isn't it? Four years ago I would have been confused and intrigued. Now I'm just bored. It's the end of the issue and all the elaborate setup, but I have no desire to see the action. I think it's safe to assume that the setup failed for me. Watching heroes become terrorists and mutants become increasingly screwed may make for a decent arc, but not a whole fucking comic series.

I know I come off as harsh, but in reality I'm saddened by how terrible this series has become. I can't find anything appealing about this book at all. A book where anything can happen except the return of the characters that most X-men fans actually give a shit about isn't a very good premise for a book. Not only is this book basically a setup issue, all it really sets up is that mutants are fucked. The only stories you can really look forward to is how fucked are they. The only way they can not be fucked is if the story becomes extremely contrived and just starts ignoring all the shit that led up to it. So in order for the stories to be good, it has to use bad storytelling. In a universe with working physics, that's just not possible. Nick Spencer is basically in a catch 22. There's really nothing he can do here other than roll with the punches and there's nothing to work with. Not in the slightest. Now like Brian Bendis, I like Nick Spencer. He's a great writer and if I met him and real life, I would buy him a beer and a hooker. But the circumstances of this book are beyond salvaging and he doesn't do anything to make it better. That's really the least I can say about this book.

I want to be excited for an Ultimate book again. I really do. But this series has just turned into a What If story that won't fucking end. What if Marvel was actually stupid enough to kill Peter Parker? What if Marvel was actually deluded enough to kill most of the X-men, try to replace some of the characters, and make a series out of it? What if Marvel made a series about the Avengers just being a bunch of assholes who only occasionally acted heroic? Part of the appeal of What If stories are that they're finite. They're not dragged out or used to destroy the potential of a series that actually was once a top tier series. But Ultimate X-men #1 epitomizes all that is wrong with Ultimate comics. It's boring. It's bland. The characterization sucks. The premise sucks. There's no sense of progression. No build-up or promise. No hope whatsoever. Now if this story happened without Ultimatum, then it may have some merit. But Ultimatum did such a thorough job of desensitizing the series from any shock or intrigue that there's nothing this book can do that will leave the readers' jaw on the floor. When a series has resorted to cannibalism, decapitation, and replacement characters shrouded in race gimmicks that's it. Game over. There's nothing left to surprise anyone.

At the very infinitesimal least, Nick Spencer makes sure his talent is apparent in the way the characters talk and interact. However, all the talent in the world couldn't make this shit ball shine. I hope Spencer gets a shot at another X-men book, but this just has nothing going for it. I can't find any reason to recommend it to anybody, even if they were just going to use it as toilet paper. No ass deserves the crap that's within these pages. If Ultimate were a dog, it would have been shot and buried by now. That's really the only thing that will make this series meaningful again. If Marvel decided to kill it like it should have after Ultimatum. Ultimate X-men #1 only gets a 0.5 out of 5. I didn't want to give the 0 I gave Ultimate X #4 because that book also had shitty art to go along. That book will make you spew diarrhea through your tear ducts. This one will just make you sick to your stomach and depress you that this is how low Ultimate has sunk. Nuff said.