Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron - Trailer 3

At this point, I don't think I need to say jack shit about Avengers 2: Age of Ultron. It comes out on May 1st and that day is taking way too fucking long to get here. But Marvel released another trailer today. It revealed more juicy bits that should make fans everywhere squee. And I'm pretty sure Disney's accountants will be squeeing the most when all is said and done. Now sequels can be hit or miss. For every Dark Knight there are more Matrix Reloadeds. But that's not going to stop this movie from being the bigger than my dick at the Playboy Mansion. Enjoy!



Am I just really fucking high or was that the Soul Gem in Vision's head at the end? I'm just going to say I'm high and see for myself when the movie comes out. Nuff said!

New Avengers Trailer Arrives - Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron Trailer 2

We've seen one trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron. It was awesome enough to make me want to run down my street naked thanking the gods that I have something this awesome to look forward to in 2015. Unfortunately, the sheriff of my neighborhood is a humorless pussy and some asshole killjoy passed some law about indecent exposure. I don't know. All I do know is that a second trailer has come out and I've got an aching desire to test those indecent exposure laws again. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cataclysm - The Ultimates' Last Stand #2

In every major comic book event or blockbuster movie, the world always seems to be on the brink of coming to an end. Earth is like that crazy drunk in a bar who fights every night, but in the context of events like Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand he might as well be picking fights with an army of ninjas and Chuck Norris clones. The guy is asking for it because Ultimate has already distinguished itself as that sandbox all the retarded kids shit in because the powers that be thought it would be a good idea to just let stupid ideas run wild in this once awesome comic book series. Now Cataclysm is like that same drunk trying to flirt dry hump the President's daughter. It has finally gone too far and now Galactus has arrived to put Ultimate Earth out of its misery. Cataclysm: the Ultimates' Last Stand #1 brought Galactus to Ultimate Earth and pretty much everyone was more overmatched than a squirrel fighting a hungry wolf. Now in Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 they have to make sense of it before Galactus destroys more than New Jersey. Because if they could limit the destruction to permanently destroying memories of every season of the Jersey Shore, I think that would count as a win.

This whole event reeks of disaster porn, but at least there has been a concerted effort made to give it a personal touch. And since Brian Michael Bendis is the one piloting this crashing jet, it makes sense that Miles Morales would provide that touch. Like the previous issue, he provides the insight and the point of view. But unlike the previous issue, he puts himself in a position to make some ridiculously stupid decisions, like swinging from a helicopter to attack Galactus. He might as well be a flea trying to take down Mount Rushmore. The rest of Ultimate Earth's mightiest heroes are tempted to join his foolishness, but Iron Man urges them to stand down. Being the one of the few smart guys who hasn't lost his fucking mind, he encourages SHIELD to stop annoying Galactus so they can come up with a smarter plan. I don't know how much smarter it can be against a force like Galacuts, but at least it shows they're smarter than fleas.

The only one who doesn't seem to get the message is Miles, foolishly rides the helicopter all the way to Galactus's head. He doesn't do much damage in the same way spitting in the ocean doesn't cause flooding outside Al Gore's head. It would be funny if it weren't so futile, but it's not pointless. It still adds that important personal touch that the Ultimate comics have been missing more than castrated bull misses his nuts. He's still the perspective of sorts through which the story is told. It doesn't make it any less futile.

He ends up having to be saved by Thor before Galactus casually flicks him off like a booger. He then meets up with the Ultimates and the Fantastic Four. But they don't exactly have an attack plan. They just know from Iron Man that shooting at it is about as effective as teaching calculus to a brain damaged cat. They're all pretty pissed that they just lost New Jersey and the possibility of a Clerks 3 movie. But they understand that it's probably a good idea to listen to the smart guy who makes the fancy suit of armor.

We then get a nice mix of action and narration, which is something else that the Ultimate Universe has been lacking more than a logical argument from Glenn Beck. While the Ultimates are busy saving as many civilians as they can from Galactus's rampage, Iron Man explains to them that they're not just dealing with some giant man who hated everywhere Snookie ever lived. They're dealing with something from another universe. He knows this because he was involved when Peter Parker from 616 crossed over with Ultimate in Spider-Men. It not only provides a logical connection to this story and Spider-Men, it ensures that he doesn't just pull this knowledge out of his ass like Bill O'Riley.

It's actually pretty detailed, which is something I haven't seen in an Ultimate comic since President Obama's approval rating was over 50 percent. He points out that Galactus has an energy signature similar to the one he detected when Peter Parker from 616 entered their world. From this information, he logically infers that Galactus came from the same universe as Peter Parker. It's so logical that a creationist would burst into tears. All the while, there's some awesome heroics going on in the background that makes it sound less like a quick lecture in alternate universe physics and more like an epic fucking battle.

Since they can't just shoot Galactus with bombs, they decide to look for more information. And once again, the story connects nicely with Spider-Men in that Iron Man and Monica Chang pay a visit to Quentin Beck from 616, who was stranded in Ultimate after the events of Spider-Men and thrown in prison. Seeing as how he was an asshole in both world's, it's hard to feel bad for him. But at the very least, he does identify Galactus and lets them know that the Reed Richards in his world saved them from Galactus. This pisses Iron Man off because Reed Richards in Ultimate is the kind of colossal douche who blows up Washington DC. I'm sure if he just blew up K-street and Congress, it wouldn't have been as bad. But he just had to go for overkill.

Now as nice as these connections are, it may be confusing for those who didn't read Spider-Men or don't know the circumstances surrounding it. Anyone who smoked too much weed may be like, "Whoa...Mysterio is in prison in the Ultimate Universe? My carpet looks like my ex-girlfriend's pubic hair? Green Bay isn't even Green?" It's one of the trade-offs with making these sorts of connections. Dumb-ass stoners or casual fans who ditched Ultimate after it started sucking elephant balls might be confused. However, I still think it's a trade-off worth making.

After getting some badly needed information from Mysterio, they decide they'll need to venture into 616 for help since this is their monster. They venture to a special site where the Ultimate version of Amadeus Cho, who looks like a Krillen rip-off from Dragonball Z, has been studying the portal that Mysterio used to enter Ultimate. It was bound to happen at some point. Ultimate is going to cross over with 616 again. Now there was a time when Marvel was dead set against ever crossing over the two universes. Joe Quesada himself once said if they did that, then they would be out of ideas. Well considering how badly Ultimate has sucked so much ass, I think those words were nothing short of prophetic. Now I could list all the ways a crossover story with Ultimate at this point would just shovel more shit on the shit pile. But I think the pile is so big at this point that it's pointless.

There's a big debate of sorts as to who gets to go to 616, a world that isn't in the process of being destroyed. Iron Man first makes the argument that he should go and it makes a pretty decent amount of sense, but they then logically argued that he needs to stay in Ultimate because he's their top egghead now. And they can't afford to lose him. Again, it's another instance of logic that would give Richard Dawkins a boner and make creationists cry. So then someone else has to go and Miles Morales volunteers.

This is hardly surprising. Again, it's Brian Michael Bendis who is writing this shit. And it's Miles who is providing the narration and perspective for this story. It makes sense that he should be the one to travel to another world to help save his own. Plus, Peter Parker already came to his world. It's only fair that he return the favor. It's the perfect plan. But in Ultimate, there's no such thing.

Before Miles can boldly spark yet another crossover in a world where so many are already sick to death of them, Ultimate Reed Richards shows up. Like I said earlier, he's a colossal douche in Ultimate, so much so that Thor hits him with his hammer the moment he shows up. Now that's not to say that Reed was always like this in Ultimate. The story of how he became said douche is a long, horribly written story that's right up there with Adam Sandler's last movie in terms of how bad it is. And for that reason, I'm okay that they're somewhat glossed over.

But Reed didn't just show up to become an even bigger douche. Sure, he blew up Washington DC. But he has a vested interest in Galactus not devouring the planet. He also points out that at the molecular level, he is still Reed Richards and he would be recognized as such in 616. So if he went there, he could access all of 616 Reed's hardware and intel. The rest of the Ultimates hate the idea of trusting him more than the Tea Party hates the idea of watching President Obama succeed. Again, the use of logic here is uncanny. That and they're kind of working on a time limit here with Galactus attempting to devour their world. Under these circumstances, they have to be willing to work with a colossal douche-bag.

So the Ultimates now have a plan. The only ones missing from the action are the X-men, or what's left of them. That's the fucked up thing about this event and Ultimate in general. There are no X-men. There are just a bunch of mutants basically going through the same stories we already read when Matt Fraction told them five years ago with his Utopia story. The difference here is that this version sucked much worse. For some reason, Ultimate Jean Grey is standing with them after mind-raping and trying to kill some of her friends. And for other reasons that make no fucking sense, they still act like they're X-men when they might as well be cos-players.

This is one part of the story where the logic breaks down. All these X-men wannabes do is just comment on how it looks like the world is about to end and nobody really gives a shit about mutants in the Ultimate universe. It's not wrong. But all they do is just stand around and look more deadpanned than a stoner at a 7-Elevan that just ran out of chips. I get that Marvel wants to involve every aspect of the Ultimate universe. This is just a piss poor way of doing it.

There's a good reason why I don't usually review Ultimate comics on this blog anymore. I hate having to grade them on a curve because Ultimate has been built on upon a foundation of soft, steaming pile of whale shit for the past four years. Grading Ultimate is like grading Paris Hilton's IQ test. That said, I'll still concede that Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 was an improvement. But saying its an improvement is like saying the sewer water in India is cleaner. It's a shitty reference point so to speak. But what made this issue better than the first was that it took a step back from the flashy, end-of-the-world bullshit that we've seen in every Michael Bay movie ever made and added some personal touches. Some of it was random, like Ultimate Reed showing up and Ultimate Jean Grey being among the people she recently tried to murder and mind rape. But given how fucked up Ultimate is to begin with, I think it's too much to ask to be that refined. Like a pool with a big turd in the center, the best anyone can do is swim around it. I give Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 a 8 out of 10. If this took place six years ago, it might be on the level of a young Jenna Jameson. Now it might as well be on the level of Liza Minelli. Nuff said!

Epic Destruction: Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #1

The following is my review of Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It used to be a real challenge to sufficiently convey the epic scale of a story. Now with the advent of CGI and Photoshop, it’s possible for anyone with moderate to advanced computer skills to operate on a scale equivalent to a heavyweight prize fighter in boxing. This has made it so people don’t have to overly use their imagination to put a story into a certain context. However, it has also made it so the concept of epic scale is graded on a reverse curve. It has gotten to the point where if it were a course in college, getting a mere C-minus would require the kind of effort that usually warrants an A.

In Marvel’s Ultimate comics, that grading scale has become so horribly skewed that even the biggest overachievers in every Ivy League school in the world would be turned off by it. Throughout its history, the Ultimate comics have raised the bar for epic storytelling. There was even a time when it contained some of the most epic stories in contemporary comics. However, that might as well have been a lifetime ago when AOL was still the most popular internet service and Apple’s stock price was under ten dollars a share.

Since then, Ultimate Marvel has become a victim of its own distorted scale. Events like Ultimatum, Death of Spider-Man, and President Captain America have left it in a state of stagnation where the narrative seems to be in a state of constantly healing from old festering wounds. But now Marvel seeks to recapture the sense of epic scale that once made Ultimate Marvel one of the most compelling narratives in comics. Cataclysm: The Ultimates’ Last Stand isn’t just another bit of disaster porn in a universe where Marvel has the luxury of horribly maiming its characters both physically and mentally. It actually is part of a much larger story that ties directly into Age of Ultron. That story already began with a prelude of sorts in Hunger, which showed Galactus entering the Ultimate universe in his never-ending quest to sate his hunger. Now he’s like a hungry wolf who just had a steak ripped from his mouth before he could fully gorge and Ultimate Earth represents a much thicker, juicer steak.

The very premise itself is epic in a way that simply would not work in Marvel’s mainline comics. The Ultimate comics is essentially a wounded duck where half the flock has been shot down by hunters equipped with machine guns. The Fantastic Four, S.H.I.E.L.D., the X-men, and the Ultimates are all considerably weaker, ravaged by years of ineptitude, ego, and utterly unheroic behavior. They are completely unequipped to deal with a threat like Galactus and for most of Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1, this is painfully apparent.

From the moment of his arrival, Galactus barely breaks a sweat. S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Ultimates throw everything they have at him and Galactus still manages to destroy the entire state of New Jersey as if it were an appetizer at dinner. But that isn’t what gives this issue an appropriate sense of scale. The story of Galactus’s arrival is told through the eyes of Miles Morales, who has been one of the few bright spots within an Ultimate series that has otherwise been in increasingly forgettable. In Age of Ultron, he saw a vision of Galactus entering the Ultimate universe. So it’s fitting that his perspective is the one that establishes the narrative. He may be a teenager, but who else other than an overwhelmed teenager could offer a fitting perspective of an attack by Galactus?

This perspective is what helps make Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1 resonate in a way that recent Ultimate events, such as Hunger, have failed to accomplish. It’s not enough to just throw the characters of Ultimate into a story that involves cities blowing up and beloved characters dying. Miles’s perspective makes the story more engaging. It’s not like just standing outside the bathroom while a massive bar fight breaks out during a football game. There is actually sense of personality that is perfectly complemented by the detailed artwork of Mark Bagley, who helped establish the style of Ultimate Marvel during its earliest days. So even if that skewed grading scale was applied, this issue would earn an A-minus in terms of presenting a sufficiently epic story.

But it’s only an A-minus because aside from Miles, there’s not much else that this issue offers in terms of plot. Galactus shows up and starts destroying Ultimate Earth. The heroes in Ultimate that haven’t been killed, gone crazy, or turned evil do their best to fight back. However, there’s never a point in the story where it seems like they’re doing anything more than throwing sand in the face of an angry grizzly bear. It still has the same problem that like Hunger had from the very beginning. Ultimate Marvel has just become so damaged in recent years that the threat of global destruction simply has little emotional impact. It’s like another beloved child star getting arrested for drugs. It’s so common that the strongest reactions are still tempered to the point of it being bland.

Like de-caffinated coffee, the impact of Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1 is limited. However, the circumstances of the story that tie it into the aftermath of Age of Ultron, which is still unfolding, give the plot some badly needed emotional weight. For once, Ultimate feels like a part of a greater narrative that involves more than just destroying things that can’t be readily destroyed in Marvel’s 616 comics. It gives the impression that this will fundamentally change the nature of Ultimate Marvel in a way that involves more than just global destruction and shock tactics. The gravity of the story is still muted, but the scope is refreshingly fitting.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cataclysm - The Ultimates' Last Stand #1

Break out the barf bags and camp out at the nearest toilet because I’m about to review another Ultimate book. I know it has been a while since I’ve even mentioned anything related to Ultimate comics and for good reason. The Ultimate comics have been such a clusterfuck over the past few years that if it were actual garbage, it would be hazardous to hold near an open flame. It has basically consisted of Miles bitching about being Spider-Man, the Ultimates acting like assholes, and the X-men basically telling the same fucking story about Utopia that was told only a few fucking years ago. Even if all the toilet paper on the planet ran out, I wouldn’t use this crap because I have too much respect for my ass and the shit that comes out of it. But now Marvel is promising more upheavals with Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand. It picks up right from where Age of Ultron ended with Galactus entering the Ultimate universe. And he’s got the munchies like a motherfucker and he’s going to gorge on Ultimate Earth. Given how fucked Ultimate Earth has been in recent years, it’s an act of mercy. Never-the-less, I have a sincere hope that this will somehow lead to an overhaul of the Ultimate comics that will make it so I can think about them without becoming violently ill. So here I go with my review of Cataclysm: The Ultimates’ Last Stand #1 and if at some point anyone experiences explosive diarrhea, don’t worry. That’s normal with Ultimate.

In addition to explosive diarrhea, it’s also painfully common in the world of Ultimate that Spider-Man sucks at keeping his identity secret. Peter Parker may be dead, but Miles Morales has adopted his tendency to be way too careless with who he shows is under the mask. His friend, Genke, already knows and it’s not clear whether he’s even whispering when he’s talking to Miles about being Spider-Man. That’s like my weed dealer singing out the names and addresses of his customers on a crowded street. It can’t end well. But beyond Miles’s knack for having friends who are very bad at keeping their voices down, they discuss one of the scenes that took place in Age of Ultron #10. When time broke, Miles saw Galactus appear briefly in the Ultimate universe. For whatever reason, he didn’t stick around and his journey was later captured in the mini-series Hunger, which was almost as forgettable as the Star Wars prequels. But since this Miles is still as confused as a baby in a topless bar at what he saw.

In that sense, he shouldn’t be nearly as surprised/horrified as everyone else when Galactus returns and starts laying waste to everything around him. Not only that, he does it with a casual look on his face that reminds me of how I look when I’m fixing a sandwich. Shit starts blowing up. People start running and screaming in horror. Genke then urges Miles to get into costume and attack the giant skyscraper-sized man in the funny hat that’s currently destroying everything around him. Either Genke has way too much confidence in Miles or he’s just trying to make a clean getaway.

Miles still successfully suits up and goes after Galactus, who is basically asking the same questions. How the fuck do Spider-Man powers stack up against a guy this big and this powerful? Never mind the fact that he doesn’t know that this is fucking Galactus, the devourer of worlds from 616. This guy dines on planets in the same way I dine on Doritos after several bong hits. At the very least, Brian Michael Bendis provides some solid inner monologue to give insight into the mentality of a kid going up against Galactus. It adds a kind of personal element that the Ultimate books have been allergic too for way too fucking long. The problem is that Miles doesn’t even get a chance to finish his thought before Galactus unleashes his first attack and since he’s motherfucking Galactus, it’s pretty damn intense and pretty damn awesome.

If this sort of attack was going on in 616, it would be much more epic. And the beautiful artwork of Mark Bagely certainly gives it a very epic feel and Brian Michael Bendis gives Miles a solid voice. However, this isn’t 616. This is fucking Ultimate. This is a world where this kind of destruction is so routine and so frequent that I wouldn’t be surprised if people just started yawning instead of screaming. This isn’t the first time I’ve pointed this out in reviewing an Ultimate comic, but there’s just no emotional weight with these books anymore. Ultimate has overused plots about destruction and death so much that it might as well be as threatening as a feather. In a series where Nightcrawler, a fucking teleporter, died from drowning, there’s just no way to any kind of destruction will have any kind of impact anymore.

While the destruction may make for a boring plot, it doesn’t go unnoticed by SHIELD. Apparently, Galactus’s first attack was to wipe out all of New Jersey. I’m guessing the guys at Marvel aren’t fans of the New Jersey Devils, Kevin Smith movies, and the Jersey Shore. That or I guess they just want to show off Galactus’s power by destroying the one state that contains the largest per capita of annoying douche-bags. I’m honestly trying not to root for Galactus, but this is making it really hard.

Again, the artwork and epic scale of the battle here is awesome. But nobody is going to be on the edge of their seat. SHIELD launches an attack against Galactus and Galactus still looks like he’s just making a sandwich. It’s not a fair fight in the slightest. SHIELD might as well be throwing cotton balls at Galactus. They don’t make a single dent and like Ellen DeGeneres at a male strip club, there’s nothing too arousing or surprising. It just looks awesome. But depending on how many joints have been smoked, that may be more than enough.

The destruction keeps getting worse and worse, yet the impact still falls flatter than Al Gore’s voice at an economics lecture. But the focus isn’t only on the destruction. If SHIELD can’t even scratch Galactus and Spider-Man has no hope of contributing, he still does what Peter Parker would have done and tries to save the people. It’s a nice touch in what could have otherwise been developed as hardcore disaster porn. Since Ultimate began, Spider-Man has been one of the least douchebag heroes around and to his credit, Miles has kept that tradition going. But if Galactus is going to devour the entire fucking world, saving these people is no different than rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Then again, neither he nor anyone else in Ultimate know what they’re dealing with so they don’t know how fucked they are.

It may have taken the loss of an entire fucking state, but the Ultimates finally do arrive on the scene. It’s Ultimate so I can only assume they were too busy being assholes to get there fast enough. And unlike 616, they’re not nearly as stacked with powerful talent as 616. They have three quarters of the Fantastic Four, Thor, Spider-Woman, Iron Man, Hawkeye, and Captain America. They might as well be an NFL team without any offensive playmakers, like the Jasonville Jaguars. It’s not a fair fight to say the least. Then again, I don’t think it’s supposed to be a fair fight. I get the sense that the appeal of this battle is the same appeal of a battle between a puppy and a grizzly bear. It’s so horrific, yet it’s impossible to look away.

The battle intensifies and once again, we’re blessed with some incredible imagery and well-crafted action sequences. It’s the kind of Bendis/Bagley magic that once made Ultimate something that was actually more appealing than a giant a rectal wart. The Ultimates put up a much better fight than SHIELD. And for the first time in the whole issue, Galactus actually flinches. Granted, Galactus still looks like a guy stuck in traffic on a hot summer day, but it’s a much more compelling battle than just watching SHIELD throw expensive jet fighters at him.

And it’s not all just shooting and shit blowing up. While this battle is unfolding, Tony Stark is trying actually trying to figure out just what the fuck they’re up against. It’s actually somewhat fitting because 616 Tony Stark played such a major role in the events of Age of Ultron. Now his Ultimate counterpart, who is still basically an overly happy drunk, is picking up on his mess. The Ultimates have faced Gah Lak Tus, but that was basically a warm of cosmic bugs. This is the motherfucking he’ll-eat-your-whole-fucking-planet Galactus so it’s a much more daunting challenge to say the least.

As fitting as it may be, it’s not entirely clear how Stark figures out that Galactus is from another version of Earth. I’m sure there’s some sort of elaborate explanation of technobabble to go along with it, but then again that would take away from Bagley’s pretty artwork and we can’t have that. However he figured it out, it doesn’t do any of the Ultimates good. Once Galactus is sufficiently annoyed, he blasts them the fuck away while Tony Stark informs SHIELD that this Galactus is from another Earth. Not only that, this Galactus isn’t just out to destroy New Jersey. He’s out to destroy everything. And just like that, the whole Ultimate universe knows how fucked they are.

Reading a story like Cataclysm is like watching the 10^th Friday the 13^th movie. At this point most people are so familiar with the setup and so desensitized to the destruction that like Elton John at the Playboy Mansion, it’s hard to feel anything. The impact is really muted. The issue consists largely of the remaining Ultimate characters that haven’t been maimed, turned evil, or been fucked up beyond the point of being useful shitting themselves at the prospect of facing a threat like Galactus. But I do admit I take a perverse pleasure in seeing the most powerful entity from 616 fuck up the world of Ultimate after it has spent the past few years taking a massive steaming shit on everything that once made it great. It’s like tracking down that asshole bully from high school that everyone hated and kicking his ass while waiting in line for his herpes medication. That and the visuals with Bendis and Bagley, the Bert and Ernie of Marvel Comics, were a sight to behold. So for those who have a sadistic side or just the unapologetic Ultimate fans who for some reason haven’t been utterly disgusted by this series, there’s plenty to enjoy here. Overall, I give Cataclysm #1 a 6 out of 10. It’s fun to see the fallout from Age of Ultron continue and to see the Ultimate world collectively shit itself. And it’s done in a way that’s fairly entertaining without having to waste too many barf bags. Nuff said!

The Broken Showcase: Hunger #1 Review

The following is my review of Hunger #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There was once a time when Ultimate comics were considered Marvel’s gold standard. It wasn’t just another series full of new iterations of well-known characters. It was a brand, not unlike Apple or Rolex, that denoted a certain level of quality. For years, that brand was very strong, introducing stories and concepts that would later find their way into Marvel’s 616 comics and the 2012 blockbuster the Avengers. However, in recent years that brand has deteriorated to a point where it keeps trying to be the next Apple iPod, but instead it has turned into the ill-fated Microsoft Zune.

Rather than being Marvel’s gold standard, Ultimate is now a line where quality has been sacrificed in favor of creative anarchy. Marvel now bills Ultimate as a series where anything can happen, even if it shouldn’t. This has led to stories built around shock value rather than an engaging plot. A very recent issue of Joshua Fialkov’s Ultimates had an evil Reed Richards performing brain surgery on a still-conscious Tony Stark. And the sad part is that’s not even close to the most shocking thing Ultimates has done. This is a series that has utilized cannibalism, incest, and sex tapes. And therein lies the problem that Hunger #1 faces before it even begins. It’s attempting to make a shocking change in a series where the audience has already been desensitized to shock tactics.

That’s not to say that Hunger #1 doesn’t have appeal. It definitely does and it delivers on that appeal to an extent. In many ways this issue and the concept of this series is less about the ongoing events in the Ultimate comics and more about the aftermath of Age of Ultron. This issue ties directly into the universal upheaval revealed in Age of Ultron #10, which showed Galactus tearing his way into the Ultimate universe. However, it takes a while for us to actually see that story.

Like going into a movie that has way too many bad previews, the first half of Hunger #1 follows the utterly unappealing story of Rick Jones. In the Ultimate universe, he was chosen by the Watchers to be the protector of the universe. And in this comic he approaches that responsibility the same way most teenagers would approach a part-time job at a McDonald’s. He spends most of this comic complaining endlessly about his responsibilities and carrying on like every juvenile stereotype ever portrayed in a John Hughes movie. He’s no Peter Parker or Miles Morales. He’s just a kid who whines incessantly about not getting his way.

It’s hard to really care about Rick Jones in a story that is supposed to be about Galactus entering the Ultimate universe. However, Rick isn’t the only Ultimate concept that is utilized in Hunger #1. After the Watchers drag Rick back to his responsibilities, they take him to the middle of an inter-stellar battle between the Kree and the Chitauri. Ultimate fans and fans of Joss Whedon’s Avengers should recognize the Chitauri, who actually come off as much more likable than Rick Jones. Even though they’re fighting a war that involves them sacrificing their own people, at least they carry some emotional weight in the story. It’s way more compelling than watching Rick Jones ditch his job so he can grab some burgers on Earth.

This battle between the Kree and Chitauri leads to a direct confrontation with Gah Lak Tus, which is the Ultimate incarnation of Galactus. It also brings back one of the more unique characters of the Ultimate universe that didn’t rely on shock tactics. In Ultimate, the concept of Galactus is different in that Gah Lak Tus is a massive swarm of world-destroying robots that have decimated life of countless planets for reasons that are very different than the mainstream Galactus. It’s a novel concept that was once consistent with the Ultimate policy of being the gold standard. And it would have made Hunger #1 a lot more engaging if it didn’t take half a comic of Rick Jones whining to get to this plot.

By the time the events of Age of Ultron #10 finally converge, the impact is overdue. Nonetheless, it is still very satisfying to see Galactus literally tear a hole through space and force his way into the Ultimate universe. And his presence immediately affects Gah Lak Tus. In what is definitely the most compelling moment of the issue, the Gah Lak Tus swarm tries to consume Galactus. But in the end they actually merge to become one being with the Gah Lak Tus swarm now acting as heralds. It effectively delivers what Hunger #1 promised, but only for those patient enough to endure the forgettable filler that preceded it.

And that’s the biggest problem with Hunger #1. Only one third of this whole comic is compelling. The plot with Rick Jones was needlessly juvenile and the war between the Chitauri and Kree felt like it was just shoehorned into the story to add a few obligatory explosions. It’s akin to throwing darts at a dart board blindfolded, but still hitting the target a few times. It’s not a bullseye, but it still delivers something appealing.

The promise of Hunger is definitely there, but the realization of that promise is lacking. Just throwing Rick Jones, the Chitauri, and Galactus into the story isn’t enough in the same way that just tossing ice cream and milk in a blender doesn’t make a good milkshake. It still needs to be effectively blended. And Hunger #1 failed to do that until the final third of the book. And for an Ultimate universe that has been lagging almost as badly as Lindsey Lohan’s movie career, that’s just not enough.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Age of Ultron #10 LEAK and SPOILERS!

I know I'm going to piss a few people off by doing this. Thankfully, I'm usually too shit faced to care. But in the same way nobody over the age of 16 will ever admit to liking Justin Bieber (you know who you are), nobody will ever admit to looking for spoilers when they leak out early on the internet. Like teenage boy caught having sex with his hot teacher, we pretend to be outraged yet we still gaze upon it the same way a dog gazes upon a juicy steak. I still remember how I pissed some people off by posting spoilers to Amazing Spider-Man #698 and #700. Well, fuck those people because I'm doing it again!

This time, the big spoilers come for Age of Ultron. On the surface it has been just another big time Marvel event that pits the Avengers against Ultron. It's pretty basic shit that has been mediocre for the most part, but from the very beginning Marvel has teased a huge, ass-clenching ending that will forever change the Marvel universe. Yeah, they promise that every other week, but this time they claim to mean it. Well tomorrow, Age of Ultron #10 comes out and Marvel has gone to great lengths to keep that ending secret. Well I guess they failed miserably because apparently, the issue has already leaked on file sharing sites and message boards. Because unfortunately for Marvel and all comic book publishers, the internet and scanners are just way too fucking easy to use. And unless they want to uninvent the interneet and incur the wrath of porn addicts everywhere, they have to live with this shit. And while I won't post scans (yet), I will post a leaked summary of Age of Ultron #10 that I found on a message board. If it's bullshit, I'll correct it. But this is what happens so clench your asshole and get ready.

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- Future Hank Pym gives present-ish Pym a code that will destroy Ultron

- Bendis-era Avengers fight the Intelligencia, then Ultron wakes up

- Pym uploads the program into Ultron as he fights the Avengers. Ultron thinks he's winning, but it activates some replicating virus thing that shuts him down, then Thor busts him into pieces.

- Sue and Wolverine return to the normal present and everything seems all hookers and whiskey...then everything starts to hiccup

Sort of like this.

- Pages of characters feeling the space-time continuum fucking up. We do see people from the 2099 stuff and MC2, like Female-Captain America and 2099 Doom.

- Things are somewhat normal, nothing's changed...except Wolverine's actions have caused tears into the multiverse. But, hey, we now have an official explanation for every plot hole and continuity error ever: It's all Wolverine's fault! So, yeah, other universes are starting to bleed into one another.

- In the Ultimate Universe, Miles is swinging around until the multiversal hiccups cause him to land on a roof... and looking up at Galactus. As in the 616 Galactus. Ladies and gentlemen, the premise of Hunger! No, really, Hunger is Galactus going to devour Ultimate Marvel's Earth.

I would say Ultimate was fucked, but it was fucked LONG before Galactus showed up.

- Hank and Tony are talking about how he could have fucked things up royally with Ultron, but now he discovers where Ultron went wrong.

- The ending: A page of a woman talking, not knowing how she ended up in the 616 universe. Next page, it's Angela, and she vows to kill whoever brought her here.

You can never have enough hot redheads. EVER.

So there you have it. Marvel is basically taking a page right out of DC's playbook and going the Crisis route. They're not just fucking up the 616 universe now. They're fucking up the entire Marvel multiverse. Is it an ending worththy of blowing brain matter from the skulls of every Marvel fan? I say no. DC was doing shit like this decades ago, but I actually welcome the prospect of involving 616 in other alternate universe. The multiverse is a big place and with characters like Angela and 2099 Doom, the possibility for awesome is pretty big.

And I admit I sqealed like a school girl in a new pair of shoes when I heard that Galactus was now in the Ultimate universe. I say good! Let him devour that rotting corpse of a Marvel universe. It has already been gang raped and shit on since Ultimatum and Death of Spider-Man. Let Galactus do the most merciful thing and destroy it completely. It's a series whose only contribution to Marvel is giving writers a way to kill characters that would get them tarred and feathered in 616. That makes it a glorified What If series that doesn't need to exist anymore. Just let it die and let Galactus gorge on it.

So Age of Ultron will definitely have some far-reaching implications. It takes what could have just been another Avengers vs. Ultron brawl and turns it into something with big possibilities. It remains to be seen what sort of possibilities that may be, but for now I'm all for it! And thus, I deem Age of Ultron #10 awesome. Nuff said!

Age of Ultron #1 - Prelude or Sign of Awesome?

What would you think about a guy who kept going to the same bar again and again, only to get his ass kicked by the time he left and wake up hung over the next morning? You would probably think that guy was pathetic, stupid, or a glutton for punishment that even S&M enthusiasts would find troubling. I’ve been called all those things before. Hell, I’ve been called ten times worse and have the scars to prove it. But in many ways it symbolizes how I’ve come to see Marvel’s so-called event books.

While they may start out awesome and even stay awesome throughout much of the series, they usually crash and burn in the end when the writers run out of patience and say “Fuck the details, let’s just do something shockingly crazy!” This is what has left me with an overly tender asshole after following events like Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men. Each event was billed as this big ass blockbuster that was supposed to redefine the Marvel universe, which is also code for making Marvel a fuckton of money through shameless marketing gimmicks. And even though they ended horribly, they did sell and for that reason Marvel has every excuse to call it a success. As I’ve said in previous drunken rants, Marvel’s capacity to give a fuck about how its customers feels ends the second the purchase is finalized. It is not their job to make you feel better after you buy it. They see outraged fans the same way we see brain damaged puppies, cute and lovable yet still irrationally stupid.

Since the big wigs at Marvel have apparently blown all the Avengers vs. X-men money on strippers and cocaine, they’re ready to throw another overblown event at us and they call it Age of Ultron. This is an event that actually was teased as far back as 2010 when Marvel showed a messy yet eerily accurate schematic of the future. It showed things like the Heroic Age, Avengers vs. X-men, and the return of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men. One of the other events it showed was the Age of Ultron. Having burned themselves out fighting each other, the heroes of the Marvel universe seemed destined to get back to basics and what could be more basic than fighting a killer robot?

But Ultron is not your typical mutant-hunting Sentinel or Terminator rip-off. This is a powerful enemy that has tested the Avengers in some pretty obscene ways in the past. If karma intended to make Hank Pym pay for roughing up his wife, it went way overboard with making Ultron the kind of menacing threat that the frequently frustrates the Avengers. And since we’ve already seen futures and/or alternate universes where mutants and sentinels rule the world, why not a world where Ultron rules? Because what’s more original than a crazy robot taking over the world? Okay, bad example. But you get what I mean.

I’ll say it while I’m still sober enough to type it coherently. The appeal of Age of Ultron is nowhere near as great as the appeal of Avengers vs. X-men. The promise of a superhero battle and the return of the Phoenix Force offered so many possibilities. Those possibilities aren’t nearly as diverse or exciting with Ultron. He’s an evil robot. There’s not going to be any major debate on who will win if the very notion of winning applies in the slightest. I’ve been about as excited for this event as I’ve been about a traffic jam. But it is a big Marvel event. Therefore, I’m compelled to take a few extra shots and offer a review for the wonderful folks who enjoy this blog.

The first issue for this overhyped event doesn't begin with a bang or a brawl. In fact, it seems to begin long after that bang or brawl has transpired. The smoke has already settled, the drunks were already thrown out of the bar, and everyone is hung over. By that I mean the world is fucked and Ultron's dick seems to be the only one left intact. It has all the makings of yet another post-apocalyptic world. While Marvel has more fucked up alternate universe wastelands than Linsey Lohan has DUIs, this one isn't a typical kill-the-robots-and-try-not-to-get-killed apocalypse. In the rubble of New York City, Hawkeye is spying on what looks like a crack house. But I guess in this future a crack house might as well be a loft on Park Avenue. We're not sure what is going on inside, but for some reason it requires an arrow to the head. I'm assuming the crack might not be that good.

It turns out it's not crack this place is selling. It's Mutant Growth Hormone, also known as Kick. It basically gives you powers that makes you feel like your on crack, but involves giving less blowjobs behind a dumpster at McDonald's. For some reason, Hawkeye has a problem with thugs selling this shit to jaded survivors of an apocalypse so he starts shooting them. It makes for a nice, gritty action scene that Bryan Hitch has always been good at depicting. The girl he followed into the building is given a chance to leave while everyone else is given a few arrows to the skull. So I guess Hawkeye isn't without mercy. But when the woman tells him to fuck off, he shoots her in the arm with an arrow. I guess the moral of the story for her is don't make light of Hawkeye's mercy.

But why would Hawkeye be shooting up some crackhouse full of drug-dealing low-lifes? Well, we quickly find out these aren't the kind of lowlifes that walk around with their underwear exposed, their hats on sideways, and their teeth plated gold. This is a well-funded, well-equipped operation armed with real life Call of Duty cos-players armed with the kinds of heavy machine guns that the NRA doesn't think should be banned. Yet they're just dealing MGH in the ruins of New York City? Did I miss something here?

If there is an explanation, it's obscenely subtle. The men mention that Avengers are like gold in this apocalyptic future. Hunting them down and killing them is like finding Warren Buffet's credit card. It's basically a golden ticket. It has somewhat of a Days of Futures Past vibe, but not in the sense that they're basically deer in Ted Nugent's back yard. Something else is going on here and we're not given much insight onto what it is.

At the very least, we get clarification on why Hawkeye has decided to use this crack house as target practice. It's not just so he can be propaganda for the DEA. He's actually on a rescue mission. It turns out these thugs had Spider-Man tied up, beaten up, and fucked up in ways that is perfectly deserving of a guy who made a deal with the devil. But is this Peter Parker or just Doc Ock in Peter Parker's body? Or did some crazy shit happen to reverse that? Or did it even happen to begin with in this universe? Again, that's not made clear. But Hawkeye is there to rescue him and Spider-Man is still his usual immature self. I guess there's something to be said about a character that has been so beaten up by fans lately that he begins this story already beat up. I guess Marvel is just trying to be proactive.

Spider-Man and Hawkeye seem well on their way out, fighting through more thugs with more gritty action that will make some readers want to kiss Bryan Hitch the next time they see him. Then the star of the show finally makes his appearance. Ultron, having already fucked the world, is still perfectly willing to fuck it up even more. He and a few drones surround the building and demand that they prepare to suck the fattest part of his robot dick. While Ultron has never needed a reason slaughter Avengers, it still isn't clear if there is a reason for wanting to blow up buildings with Avengers inside it. The thugs mentioned that they paid Ultron off, which isn't exactly that telling. They say they deliver Avengers to Ultron and he leaves them alone. It's understandable, but still not very clear. However, Hawkeye and Spider-Man seem to know that Ultron has a reason for wanting to vaporize them and decide it's probably a good idea to get the fuck out.

Ultron doesn't listen to the thugs. Whatever reason he had for leaving them alive, he changed his mind in the same way Dearth Vadar alters deals made in Cloud City. In just a few panels the action goes from grim and gritty to a few big ass explosions that level the crack house and offer a larger view of this war torn landscape. It helps add a greater sense of scale to a story that began on a small street level. In doing so it reveals a landscape that is distinct from other apocalyptic worlds. As I said before, Marvel has a fuckton of apocalyptic worlds. Yet they still manage to make this one seem unique in how Ultron is hunting Avengers and letting thugs use them as currency.

Unfortunately for the thugs, however, Ultron has a very low tolerance level for letting Avengers escape. So while Hawkeye and Spider-Man escape the blast, the thugs are broiled like a rack of ribs at at barbecue. Hawkeye and Spider-Man are still battered and bruised, but alive. Yet even they seem to concede that they're thoroughly screwed in this world and we still don't know why. Maybe it's just the bitterness from Avengers vs. X-men still talking, but I'm enjoying seeing them humbled like this.

They eventually find their way to the ruins of the SHIELD Helicarrier, but they aren't exactly welcomed back with hugs and cookies. Once greeted by Luke Cage and She-Hulk, Hawkeye is yelled at for being reckless. That in and of itself isn't too striking. Anyone yelling at Hawkeye for his recklessness is like yelling at Willie Nelson for smoking pot. It shouldn't be that surprising anymore. But what is what he and Spider-Man have to go through once they arrive. Iron Man scans them with what looks like an oversized rectal probe and says they're clean. Ultron didn't infect them with any virus. Even Emma Frost and some of the X-men show up to indicate they're also clean. I guess in this world Emma Frost made up for her crimes as one of the Phoenix Five or she just boned enough people to get pardoned. It poses yet more questions without hinting at too many answers. Ultron seems to be going to great lengths to fuck with them and they're asses are clearly very tender at this point.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Hitch make clear, it's that the heroes in this world are fucked like a two-dollar whore on coupon day. We see in other parts of the bunker that there are a few other Avengers present, but not nearly enough to fight a robot army. Moreover, they're all more pessimistic than a goth at an Evanescence concert. They aren't just fucked. They're utterly demoralized. And the guy who usually rallies them, Captain America, is also at a loss. In the end we see him looking like a dog that just got neutered. He has no plan. He has no inspiring speeches. He might as well be Mel Gibson's credibility at this point. It sends a clear message, but doesn't really address how it got to this point. But if it's bad enough to make Captain freakin' America give up all hope, then we can only assume there are greater forces at work than a killer robot with a taste for human flesh.

Let me say this right now so that there’s no ambiguity or questions about my sobriety. The beginning of Age of Ultron was not like the beginning of Avengers vs. X-men. It’s not different in terms of scale or theme either. This is a completely different approach. That’s both promising and disconcerting in a number of ways. While Avengers vs. X-men sucked elephant balls in the end, it started out pretty fucking awesome. The same could be said for events like Fear Itself or Siege. Age of Ultron is taking a completely different approach in that the first issue doesn’t induce orgasms through your eyes, but it does lay the groundwork for a larger story. And perhaps by not following the same path as previous events, the ending will be as awesome as Marvel boasts for once.

I have mixed feelings about this approach, mostly because I’m really not sure what to make of this issue. Age of Ultron #1 doesn’t feel like the first issue of a big event. It has the feel of a prelude, as if to hint at the story to come. At the same time it also feels like we’re walking right into the middle of the story. It begins in the middle of a world where Ultron is the top dog and Captain America seems to have misplaced his balls. It’s that ambiguity and incoherence that leaves me somewhat puzzled by this issue. I’m not sure where’s it’s going in the same way I’m not sure where any event is going when it begins. But I’m not even sure where the fuck this came from or how the fuck it got here.

Uncertainty aside, there’s still plenty to enjoy here. If you’re a Hawkeye fan, you should be masturbating to this issue for the next few days. There’s a special charm to this dark, gritty environment where the Avengers are battered and broken. It doesn’t have the same feel as a typical apocalyptic future where killer robots rule. There are other forces at work. At least that’s how it seems at the moment. Brian Michael Bendis and Bryan Hitch have found a way to make this world feel unique without falling into the same patterns that Days of Futures Past set over three decades ago.

Whether it’s a prelude or something else entirely, Age of Ultron #1 is solid. Bryan Hitch’s art is as spectacular as ever and Brian Michael Bendis flexes his talent for capturing the emotion of a story. This Avengers team is not the same overpowered team that Jonathan Hickman has been writing in his Avengers series or the same team that won Avengers vs. X-men. There are a lot of blanks to fill here and even if we don’t get too many clues as to what those blanks are, Bendis and Hitch have at least stoked plenty of curiosity. I give Age of Ultron #1 a 3 out of 5. So another overhyped comic book event has begun. If you’re really quiet, you can already hear the fanboys bitching about it on message boards. It’s not like they need a reason to bitch, but at least this issue didn’t give them more than they already had. Nuff said!