The Maturation of (Regenerating) Degenerates: Deadpool Assassin #1

The following is my review of Deadpool: Assassin #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When it comes to gratuitous violence and genuine heart, Deadpool is in a class all his own. In fact, it's not unreasonable to say that Deadpool, as both a character and a concept, goes out of his way to stand out and isn't afraid to be obnoxious about it. Regardless of whether his name and design was derived from Deathstroke, he's someone who does more than most to stand out in a sea of Wolverine, Superman, and Batman rip-offs.

Thanks to two successful movies and the inherent likability of Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool's star has never burned brighter. It's safe to say that in his efforts to stand out, he has succeeded. His mask, his tumor-laden face, and his propensity to break the fourth wall are now every bit as iconic as Wolverine's claws or Captain America's shield. He has nothing left to prove. He's earned the right to brag and gorge on all the chimichangas he wants.

As much as he's achieved, Deadpool always finds ways to stay busy and entertain. Most of those ways still involve the kind of destruction and vulgarity that would get most characters fined by the FCC, but he never does it out of pure malice. He's not Sabretooth, Norman Osborn, or Dexter Morgan. He's crazier than a sack of ferrets, but he still maintains a code of conduct that sets him apart from less scrupulous mercenaries. Those who undermine that code are likely to be on the wrong end of Deadpool's guns, katanas, and toilet humor.

That's both the setup and the appeal of Deadpool: Assassin #1. Cullen Bunn and Mark Bagley put Deadpool in a position to further set himself apart by showing that there is merit to having a code of conduct as a mercenary. That process involves a hefty bit of bloodshed and mayhem, but anything other than that just wouldn't be true to Deadpool's increasingly powerful brand and he does plenty to maintain it in this story.

Bunn and Bagley don't try to reinvent the regenerating degenerate. They just put him in a situation where he can do what he does best, which means being in close proximity to far less ethical mercenaries and evil ninjas. For Deadpool, that's like mixing chocolate and peanut butter, but with several extra sides of carnage and bloodshed. It's every bit as potent as it tries to be.

These crude, but colorful basics give Deadpool: Assassin #1 plenty of entertainment value. However, there are some other side-plots thrown into the mix that keep it from being a generic story about a Deadpool-centric shooting spree. One involves Deadpool's old friend Weasel, whose life has taken a far more domestic turn. He still works with Deadpool and still provides him with plenty of opportunities to shoot things, but he's got other priorities. In revealing those, Deadpool himself reveals something striking and potentially profound.

Being so unhinged and eccentric, Deadpool never comes off as one of those guys who plans for a simpler future that doesn't involve as many explosions. Between his skills as a mercenary and his fourth-wall breaking awareness, he rarely shows interest in settling down, retiring, or taking up a hobby that doesn't require heavy firearms.

He operates on a moment-by-moment basis, going from one job and/or wisecrack to the next. While he may occasionally mix things up by joining the X-men or marrying a succubus, Deadpool still acts primarily on an impulse. Even with the limited ethical standards by which he operates, he's not known for his foresight any more than he's known for his choice of underwear. Wherever there's violence to be had, he tends to gravitate towards it. With an unstable mind and a body covered in tumors, that's kind of how he has to be.

That's what makes his admission that he's getting bored with mercenary work so striking. He still makes clear that he loves killing unscrupulous mercs and ninjas, but that's not enough for him anymore. He claims he's only doing a few more jobs before he moves onto something else. It's not clear how serious he is. It's like Peter Parker saying he doesn't want to be Spider-Man anymore, but that sentiment goes away the second he has an excuse to change his mind. Unlike Peter, though, Deadpool isn't known for responsible decision-making.

That makes the plot surrounding Deadpool's changing priorities seem tentative, at best. Nobody, fictional or otherwise, can buy that he wants to retire to his own tropical island and sip margaritas for as long as his healing factor allows him to live. He gets bored too easily, enjoys dangerous surroundings too much, and makes too many impulsive decisions. While that makes his antics fun to watch, it also makes any effort to settle down less believable.

To some extent, Weasel's situation reflects that. He's no longer a former Hydra agent who just happens to be friends with an unhinged mercenary. He's got a stable job, a wife, and an overall easier life that involves less killer ninjas and more credit card bills. It's less hectic, which Deadpool claims to want, but Weasel never gives the impression that it's very fulfilling.

If anything, he sends the message that settling down can make a man feel domesticated. This doesn't impact Deadpool's intentions or his ninja-fighting skills, but it does throw shade on the idea that seeking a less damaging occupation comes at a cost. It also establishes that if Deadpool really does attempt to hang up his katanas and guns, he'll end up changing his mind faster than Peter Parker ever did.

Long-term intentions aside, still provides plenty of value in terms of giving Deadpool fans what they want. Bagley's artwork makes it colorful while Bunn's dialog makes it witty. It checks all the necessary boxes for a fun, engaging Deadpool story. It tries to do more and while it lays a foundation, it doesn't offer much in terms of clues. He's still doing mercenary work, as only he can, but what does someone like Deadpool do when he wants to move onto a new endeavor?

That question goes unanswered in Deadpool: Assassin #1. More than anything, it puts Deadpool in a position to mix things up again. It probably won't result in him getting a job as a tax attorney or a janitor, but if it leads him to novel forms of violence, then it can only help the potty-mouthed merc in his never-ending struggle to overshadow Deathstroke.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

The Truth Hurts (and Astonishes): All-New X-men #18

The following is my review of All-New X-men #18, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The truth is supposed to hurt. The truth is supposed to set us free. Lies are supposed to be cockroaches that run into the cracks of the wall the second a light is exposed. That's the narrative the real world tries to convey, if only to convince children not to lie when they've taken one too many cookies from the cookie jar. It's not an entirely false narrative, but it is incomplete.

Lies can be every bit as harsh as the truth and the X-men comics have been demonstrating this since the conclusion of Secret Wars. So much of the narrative surrounding the X-men and their struggles against the Terrigen Mists is built around certain assumptions that helped give the story weight. Those assumptions included the understanding that Cyclops committed this horrible, heinous atrocity that made mutants more hated than whoever came up with Deadpool's mouthless design in Wolverine Origins.

Both the X-men and the readers share in these assumptions for most of the X-men's narrative after Secret Wars. Then, Death of X comes along and reveals the truth that these assumptions are inaccurate. The so-called crimes committed by Cyclops aren't his crimes. They aren't even his idea. They are an elaborate ruse, one only known to a select few individuals. It's not a conspiracy theory on the same level as Captain America being a Hydra agent, but it still has major implications.

Now, as Inhumans vs. X-men unfolds, this effects of this ruse are getting harder to conceal. All-New X-men #18, which directly ties into the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, sets the stage for undoing this ruse. Dennis Hopeless has a chance to explore the breadth of teen Cyclops' torment, being reviled for what his older self did and stuck in a future where every horrible thing anybody does exists forever on social media. Hopeless doesn't squander that chance and crafts one of the most dramatic issues of All-New X-men since Secret Wars.

It's not just that the truth finally comes out. Teen Cyclops does learn about the elaborate ruse surrounding the events of Death of X. That's actually the simplest part of the story. It's how Hopeless sets it up that gives it so much dramatic weight. The fact that this drama has nothing to do with Jean Grey, clones of Jean Grey, or a Shi'ar sneak attack makes this all the more remarkable.

Most of the story takes place in between the panels of the main Inhumans vs. X-men series. Teen Cyclops is part of the main attack on New Attilan. However, he doesn't contribute too much to this attack. The fact that he's an inexperienced teenager who has yet to become the man who will one day hook up with both Jean Grey and Emma Frost certainly shows. This is actually important to the structure of the story.

Hopeless makes it a point to show just how unpolished this version of Cyclops is. He's not the master tactician who fights Sentinels for breakfast and takes down Apocalypse before brunch. He's still a kid who's struggling with the legacy his older self left behind. That legacy, however skewed it may be, torments him in ways that have guided his story since the conclusion of Secret Wars. To this point, it's a burden he carries and one he thinks he can never escape. This helps make the Death of X spoilers all the more powerful.

It's not one of those reveals that's akin to Morpheus offering a teenage Cyclops the red pill. If anything, the reveal is a byproduct of another plot unfolding between the panels of Inhumans vs. X-men. Specifically, this plot involves Mosaic, the Inhuman who can possess other bodies. This ability is key to balancing the scales of the conflict, which to this point has played out in the X-men's favor. Part of this process involves him possessing teen Cyclops. While it's not entirely clear why this needs to be part of Mosaic's plan, it does have an important impact, even if it's unintended.

Mosaic's actions may very well be critical to advancing the main plot of Inhumans vs. X-men, even if the particulars are unclear, but what he does in All-New X-men #18 may end up having much bigger implications for Cyclops and the rest of the time-displaced X-men. Unintended or not, he helps teen Cyclops uncover the truth about what happened to his older self. More importantly, he finds out who is really behind the burdens, the self-loathing, and the angry flame wars on message boards.

This knowledge threatens the X-men's plans and motivations in Inhumans vs. X-men. Emma Frost is a major driving force in these plans and only a select few know of her role in Death of X. Now teenage Cyclops knows and is in a position to react with a level of extreme melodrama that only a teenager can appreciate. It doesn't just create a major turning point in teen Cyclops' overall narrative. It may very well change the entire outlook that he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have on navigating the future.

This dramatic shift is the biggest selling point of All-New X-men #18. Hopeless doesn't get too bogged down in the various nuances of the Inhumans vs. X-men conflict and, given the various flaws surrounding this conflict, this helps keep the story concise. However, some of those flaws do manifest at times. The whole concept of Cyclops being a war criminal for attacking a cloud still feels exceedingly contrived. It makes some of teen Cyclops' various musings seem forced, even by the lofty standards of teenage melodrama.

It leads to some parts being choppy and chaotic, but it doesn't take away from the impact of the main plot in All-New X-men #18. Mark Bagley's colorful renderings of the various moments helps to move things along as well. Whatever flaws there may be in the over-arching narrative of Inhumans vs. X-men, it doesn't undermine the big reveal that gives this issue so much weight.

It's not just another tie-in where a teenage character mopes and whines at being so overwhelmed. This story digs deeper, achieving an impact that goes beyond an ongoing crossover. For a tie-in that focuses on an anxious teenager, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

All-New X-men #13: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. We love redemption stories almost as much as we love underdog stories. Why else would Disney be inclined to give is three Mighty Ducks movies? That same part of us that roots for the psycho killer in a slasher movie also wants to see the bad guys redeem themselves. It worked for Return of the Jedi and everything since then has been trying to match it.

Sadly, Kid Apocalypse is no Darth Vader and O5 Iceman is no Neil Patrick Harris. There are no shitty prequels that hint that either of them may be more than just unlucky and under-developed. Kid Apocalypse had a chance to change his fate during Apocalypse Wars. He fucked that up, courtesy of O5 Beast. Now, he's back in the future and still doomed to become the genocidal asshat whose movie failed to out-gross Deadpool. It's a sad state of affairs to say the least, but just because he's screwed doesn't mean O5 Iceman has to share the same fate.

In All-New X-men #13, Kid Apocalypse attempts to cope with his shitty state by doing something awesome. He's going to try and get O5 Iceman laid. What kind of future genocidal madman do such a thing? The awesome kind, that's who.

With help from Idie, Kid Apocalypse sets out on a new mission that probably won't change his future, but it will help his friend get laid so it's not a total loss. They take O5 Iceman to Miami, a very gay-friendly city. I would know. I've yet to find a city that as many gay clubs as they have ass bleaching services. It's like one never-ending Lady Gaga concert. It's basically perfect for O5 Iceman to channel his inner Clay Akin and not have to worry about the Todd Akins of the world.

It's a chance O5 Iceman should be positively giddy over. Hell, he's giddy about most other shit. His entire history with the X-men involves him being an immature little shit. This time, however, he's more nervous than I am when I have to take a sobriety test the day after St. Patrick's Day. It's actually pretty revealing in that it brings out a different side of Bobby Drake. It's one who doesn't come off as a poor man's Spider-Man for once. He even reveals his bad history with dating women. It's probably the most personal he's ever gotten in a comic without being psychically manipulated by Emma Frost.

As nice as it is to see O5 Iceman show a little depth beyond being a half-rate class clown, he doesn't really put much energy into his first gay outing. Despite Idie going out of her way to introduce him to a few open-minded studs, he chickens out faster than vegan at a butcher shop. They manage to make him at least talk to these guys, which is usually not too hard for O5 Iceman. He ends up talking about cheese and McNuggts. It's not nearly as gay as it sounds.

If anything, it's downright forced. For someone who claims to finally be out and proud, he shows the same awkwardness around men as he does with women. I want to have sympathy for him, but as a man who finds Brad Pitt attractive, I can only offer so much.

So if O5 Iceman isn't going to cooperate, Kid Apocalypse is still going to find a way to be awesome. That means he's going to forget about how O5 Beast fucked him over and dance his troubles away in a gay club in Miami. By the horribly skewed standards of the Marvel universe, this is probably the healthiest way I've ever seen a future tyrant deal with his issues.

O5 Iceman can learn a thing or two from Kid Apocalypse. That's right. The future tyrant of the mutant race has valuable lessons for O5 Iceman at this point. That's the state he's in right now. How sad is that? He continues to ignore these lessons and tries to ditch the two awesome friends who are trying desperately to get him laid. Some people are just ungrateful fucks I guess.

He does manage to finally talk to someone in ways that don't involve what kind of fast food he enjoys. He lets Idie and Kid Apocalypse dance their problems away while he brags about his exploits with the X-men to a guy at a bar. I imagine the exploits of a superhero are intriguing to people of every major orientation. It beats listening to someone talk about that time their ex threw lit firecrackers in your car.

Then, just as it seems O5 Iceman is going to have his first Glee moment, he freaks out again. He goes all icy and makes a total fool of himself. I know O5 Iceman has a knack for being foolish, but at least he generally avoids being pathetic while he's at it. He doesn't avoid it this time. I may not be gay, but even I know freaking the fuck out is a dick move.

He ends up running out of the club as quickly as he can and into the back ally, which is stupid because that's how half of all horror movies and 85 percent of all porn, gay or straight, starts out. Lucky for him, he doesn't run into a guy in a hockey mask with a chainsaw. He just runs into a cute guy his age named Romeo. With a name like that, you get the feeling this can only end in tragedy.

It doesn't start out too tragic though. Again, O5 Iceman manages to have a meaningful conversation with a fellow gay guy. This time, he doesn't create a big fucking blizzard to kill everyone else's boners. I guess that counts as progress. They share some awkward man-love stories, none of which involve Ted Haggard or Catholic priests, so they seem to have some healthy similarities. Could this be O5 Iceman's chance to finally get a real taste of quality man love?

Sadly, the mood is ruined when a demon moth creature attacks. No, that's not a metaphor for an impromptu Trump rally. A demon moth creature actually attacks for no reason, out of nowhere, and completely without context. It's as contrived as it sounds.

This is where the story about O5 Iceman's first night out as an open gay guy basically goes to shit. Instead of seeing him go through some actual personal growth, we see him, Idie, and Kid Apocalypse fight a demon moth creature. At a time when the X-men are based in a fucking demon realm, this is like ninjas attacking Jack and Rose on the Titanic. It makes no fucking sense.

It's a bad night for O5 Iceman. It's a bad night for the X-men in general, having to fight another demon moth. There can't be too many ways to make it worse, right? Well, there is one way. How about an appearance by the fucking Racist Xenophobic Slave Owners whose other name I refuse to acknowledge on this blog? Yeah, those fuckers who Marvel keeps trying to push show up because apparently, the first gay guy O5 Iceman connects with happens to be one of them.

While this blog may give other impression, I'm actually a pretty calm and forgiving guy. I try not to get too petty and pissed off over certain people who aren't Fox News anchors. I can only try so much with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. I'm sorry, but I just can't be reasonable with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

Romeo ends up putting down the demon moth in the least entertaining way possible. Turns out he's an empath of sorts and he uses that to calm the damn thing down whereas Wolverine would've just stabbed it. The difference is one is boring as fuck and the other is totally badass, yet Marvel still wonders why nobody likes the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners as much as the X-men?

On top of that, Romeo actually busts O5 Iceman's balls and not in a sexy way for attacking the demon moth. Well it's not like the fucking thing tried to hug them when it showed up. What the fuck was he supposed to do? I wish O5 Iceman had pointed that out, but it's too late. Romeo still tries to argue that his kind don't hate mutants. They just can't be bothered to do jack shit about the big fucking cloud that's poisoning them. Really? If that's not hate on some levels, then I'll quit drinking tonight.

So thanks to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, everything that was interesting about this comic and all the boners it may have inspired are gone. O5 Iceman still gets Roemo's number, but I imagine it's going to be hard building a relationship around someone who rubs elbows with Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Dude, their giant fart cloud is killing his friends and his entire fucking race. I know love is supposed to conquer all, but love has its limits when genocide and legal issues over movie rights come into play.

So...is it awesome?

This comic is bound to piss off every anti-gay, family values, religious asshole from here to Mississippi. I can already here them crying like school girls in a room of spiders saying, "How dare a superhero comic not conform to my bullshit religious values! Now I have to have unpleasant conversations with my children! Why? WHY must I be inconvenienced like this?" It makes Glenn Beck cry. It makes Rick Santorum sick. It makes Mike Huckabee angry. In that sense, this book is a gift to the human race.

As an actual comic, however, it falls somewhat flat and the presence of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners doesn't help. I get that there's some Shakespearean appeal to falling in love with someone from a forbidden society. Hell, the guy's name is Romeo for crying out loud. That appeal ends when one of the families belongs to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners whose fart cloud is poisoning all of Iceman's friends and fellow X-men and they're not doing jack shit about it. But I digress.

Other than fighting a demon creature, O5 Iceman and Romeo don't really don't accomplish much other than being able to form coherent sentences with one another. That's good for a one night stand, gay or straight. It's shitty for pretty much everything beyond that. I like that O5 Iceman gets a chance to play the field, but the fact that the only like-minded stud he could find in Miami was a Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner is pretty fucked.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Requiem For The Green Goliath: Civil War II: The Fallen #1

The following is my review of Civil War II: The Fallen #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What makes a defining moment so defining has little to do with the immediate impact it has on a story. That impact may be intense and memorable by every objective measure, but it's often just a prelude to the much larger conflicts that it inspires. Whether it's Doomsday killing Superman, the Joker crippling Barbara Gordon, or Tony Stark taking his first shot of tequila, these moments only become defining when that larger conflict takes shape.

Without question, the death of Bruce Banner is the defining moment for Civil War II. The impact of this moment creates the catalyst for the real meat of the story. After this moment, the lines are drawn, the divisions are set, and the hearts of Marvel's greatest heroes are pulled in opposite directions. It's the last straw for Tony Stark. It's that painful moment of clarity that only admitted alcoholics can appreciate.

There's no question that the death of the Hulk lit the match that ignited the powder keg that is Civil War II. However, in the midst of this raging inferno, it's easy to overlook the personal impact of the Hulk's death. Bruce Banner dies surrounded by friends and former teammates who knew him as more than just the oversized brute with anger-management issues.

That sentiment is understandably sidelined by the larger conflict in Civil War II, but Greg Pak and Mark Bagley attempt to explore that sentiment in Civil War II: The Fallen #1. That sentiment proves vital to delivering the dramatic impact of the Bruce Banner's death. It takes a step back from the legal, philosophical, and ethical debate surrounding proactive punishment and focuses solely on the emotions surrounding those closest to Hulk and Bruce Banner. There's nothing that'll overwhelm a message board here. There's just raw, genuine drama surrounding the death of a beloved friend.

There are no monster battles. There are no alien invasions. There are no homages to Bill Bixby walking solemnly down a highway. Civil War II: The Fallen #1 deals solely with the reactions among Bruce Banner's friends and family. Those reactions are not divorced from the larger context of Civil War II, but they are secondary. The primary focused here is the mixed legacy the Hulk leaves behind.

The bitter part of that mixture plays out at Bruce Banner's funeral. Whereas Bruce's friends and fellow heroes are on hand to honor his memory, there are plenty of protesters as well who still condemn the Hulk in death. This is an important context to include because it highlights the unique dimensions of the Hulk. It's a big part of what makes him unique among heroes. Plenty of heroes have green skin and big muscles. Few deal with the kinds of complications that the Hulk deals with, even when he isn't angry.

It's easy to forget that the Hulk's rampages can be pretty destructive. Given the enemies he deals with, his battles incur more collateral damage than most. In a world that includes shape-shifting aliens, uncontrollable mutant powers, and helicarrier that crash every other week, that's saying something. Unlike those destructive elements though, the Hulk is a singular face on which people can focus their blame. As any minority, real or fictional, can attest, it doesn't take much blame to inspire outrage.

Despite this outrage, Bruce Banner spends his life trying to make the Hulk a force for good. Those are the efforts that his friends and family honor. Throughout Civil War II: The Fallen #1, the darker parts of his legacy aren't ignored. Instead, they are seen in context, which isn't easy to do with a rampaging monster. It's a testament to Banner's efforts and it nicely highlights the sentiment of every character involved.

However, the funeral of Bruce Banner isn't what gives Civil War II: The Fallen #1 the bulk of its dramatic weight. It's the living will that Bruce shares with his friends and family after death that evoke the most emotion. It doesn't just involve his assets, his work, or his acknowledgement that his anger management skills had room for improvement. It involves creating a legacy that appropriately embodies the impact of the Hulk. Naturally, it has to do with anger.

It all comes back to anger and how to deal with it. For most people, including Hulk's own friends and family, dealing with anger doesn't result in the same consequences or collateral damage as him. As a result, he has to work harder than most. That means he has to master anger management techniques that cannot be found in self-help books or overpriced seminars. His efforts to share this mastery, as imperfect it may be, acts as his greatest legacy as the Hulk.

It's fitting in so many ways. How many problems in the real world and comic book world could be solved if people just managed their anger better? How many battles would that avoid? How many buildings would go un-smashed? It's the best legacy that Bruce Banner could've left. However, it resonates with some more than others.

As fitting and heartfelt as Bruce Banner's final testament may be, there are those who need more than better anger management skills. Amadeus Cho, who Pak is developing in Totally Awesome Hulk, does not take time to grieve like so many of Hulk's friends. For him, the sentiment in Civil War II: The Fallen #1 is hollow at best. He sees what happened to Bruce Banner as an injustice and that just makes him too angry.

Cho's reaction, as well as the reaction of others like General Ross, are somewhat muted at times. There are some inconsistencies in the narrative and with certain characterizations, but the underlying sentiment is spot on. The tone in Civil War II: The Fallen #1 is solemn, but appropriate. Pak and Bagley craft a fitting, heartfelt sendoff to the Green Goliath. For once, anger takes a back seat to a Hulk story and it works, creating far less collateral damage in the process.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

All-New X-men #12: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. Teenagers have a fucked up understanding of romance. It's not entirely their fault. Every day, they're constantly bombarded by bullshit love songs and vampire novels that they don't understand that romance isn't contingent on someone being an emotional slave or a sparkling vampire. It takes a lot more than that. A drunk adult knows more about romance than a sober teenager.

I say this because even at my most drunk, which is saying something, I never got the impression that the relationship between X-23 and O5 Angel was meaningful romance. Is it sweet at times? Yes. Is it cute? Sure. Is it a blossoming romance? No. It's not. It just isn't. Ever since the events of Black Vortex, it's like they're just looking for an excuse to break up or star in their own vampire series. All-New X-men #12 promises to give them that excuse or drag this shit out even longer. We're either going to squee or we're going to throw up. Or maybe we'll do both. Either way, I'm drunk enough to handle both.

At the moment, there's about as much romantic chemistry between X-23 and O5 Angel as there is between a pile of dog shit and a dead frog. O5 Angel is going to some rich douche fashion gig in Milan. X-23 is alone, bored, and restless as fuck. Unlike most teenagers, bitching about things on Facebook and taking shitty selfies on Instagram doesn't help. She's the fucking Wolverine now. She needs to stab shit in order to function properly. That's still healthier than some of the teenage girls I knew in high school, but that's another story.

O5 Angel is gone. O5 Beast is locked in his lab, still fucked up after the events of Apocalypse Wars. Kid Apocalypse and Idie are out trying desperately to get O5 Iceman laid. On top of that, O5 Cyclops is still stuck in a wheelchair, recovering from shit that happened before Apocalypse Wars. Seeing as how his adult self ends up killing Charles Xavier, there's something poetically just about his condition.

He still makes the most of it. He takes some of O5 Beast's gear and helps X-23 find something to stab. On top of that, he sees how pissed off she is about O5 Angel. Being in a wheelchair doesn't make him less perceptive and understanding. It's enough to make you wonder why X-23 didn't make a greater effort to hump him instead of a perpetually brooding rich pretty boy. Maybe she just wasn't willing to dye her hair red or wear white lingerie. She has her limits, I guess.

With O5 Cyclops' help, she's off to start stabbing shit. With help from the junk food addicted Pickles, who is still way more fun than 99 percent of the shit we've seen from X-23 and O5 Angel's relationship, she arrives in the Amazon ready to bust some heads. There's some nice inner musings where Hopeless captures X-23's approach to a stab-heavy mission. It's an approach that would make Logan so proud.

There's just one problem. She arrives too late. Before she can start stabbing anyone, she finds out they've already been stabbed. Someone beats her to the punch. That's like stealing my whiskey or hiding Snoop Dogg's weed. It denies X-23 something that defines her. It's pretty damn infuriating. For a teenage girl with excessive stabbing tendencies, it can't be healthy.

She tries a couple more missions, courtesy of Pickels' teleporting and O5 Cyclops' aid. One takes her to Toronto where Mole Man is growing killer plants. One takes her to a train trying to suck up Inhuman fart clouds for Cameron Hodge. Both end up being a bust. Mole Man is already defeated. Then again, he's the kind of guy that Squirrel Girl can probably take down on an off-day so maybe that's a good thing.

It's when she finds Hodge beaten that X-23 really starts to get pissed. She needs to stab something, damn it! Hopeless makes this very clear with her inner musings. Again, it's a decent insight into the mind of a teenage girl who became Wolverine. The lack of stabbing is just getting to her, so much so that she drowns her sorrows in Twinkees. Unless you're a stoner, that's just physically and emotionally unhealthy.

Finally, she finds a mission where there's still something to stab. Naturally, it's in Florida, the land of gators, drunk Gator fans, and 95 percent of America's embarrassing headlines. There's a demon infestation at some self-storage unit. Considering the shit Florida tends to find in Disney World dumpsters, I'd say that's about a 6.2 on the weirdness factor. It doesn't matter though. It's finally something to stab.

For X-23, it's as therapeutic as a trip to Tahiti and an endless supply of martinis. She describes her inclination to violence as a curse, which makes her more self-aware than most teenagers who just think their English teacher is out to get them. She turns that curse into something positive, like stabbing demons and assholes who deserve it. That's perfectly in line with the legacy of Wolverine, taking an inclination to violence and doing something awesome with it. Pretty sure Logan would be crying tears of joy right now.

Logan would probably start banging his head against the wall when O5 Angel shows up to undermine X-23's therapeutic stabbing. He doesn't just show up reeking of rich douche and caviar either. He's packing a full Black Vortex powered rage boner, which helps incinerate demons and makes shit awkward with his pseudo-girlfriend. I say pseudo because I may be a little high and some teen romances just aren't genuine enough to be otherwise.

What follows disrupts a perfectly good demon-stabbing party. It's also a case study in all the shit that's wrong with the X-23/Angel relationship. Once again, O5 Angel lies. He yells at her for being so fucked up by normal standards, but perfectly healthy by Wolverine standards. X-23 admits she fakes not being fucked up around him. I doubt that's all she fakes. Keep in mind, she originally wanted to bone O5 Cyclops, the same guy who is destined to bone Jean Grey and Emma Frost. I'm pretty sure she knows on some level that she's getting sloppy seconds at best.

More yelling and bullshit teen angst follow. There's more demon fighting in between, but that shit gets crowded out by more yelling. O5 Angel brings up X-23's history of cutting herself, which is a nice reference to the wonderful run Marjorie Liu had with X-23. It's still a real dick move for him to bring up. It's not the only dick move between them. There's all the angst about X-23 letting herself get hurt all the damn time and O5 Angel getting too drunk on Black Vortex. It's shit we've heard before. It brings nothing new or meaningful to the table.

That, in my ways, is the biggest shortcoming of the Angel/X-23 relationship. They bitch and moan about the same shit again and again. They never really take more steps. Even teenagers understand shit needs to progress after a while. These two yell at each other about the same shit and it never fucking changes. They don't support each other. They lie to each other. They shut each other out. Even by teen standards, that's not a healthy relationship. There are Seinfeld reruns that have healthier relationships than this.

It would be a damn good time for these two to just cut their losses, end things right here, and try to salvage some form of friendship. If Gwyneth Paltrow can do it with her ex-husband, then they have no fucking excuse. Well, they need a fucking excuse now because despite all the unhealthy shit they yell at one another, they still come together and fucking kiss. It's like a fight on Jerry Springer that ends with a kiss, a blowjob, and a massage. It's totally out of place, out of character, and reeking of bullshit.

Again, Hopeless tries to make it sincere. It just comes off as forced. O5 Angel gets all angsty about the Black Vortex. X-23 comforts him. Somehow that's enough to overshadow all the fucked up problems they yelled at one another. I know teenagers are irrational creatures, but even their hormones and melodrama have their limit. X-23 just claims she understands and that's enough? I'm sorry, but understanding how fucked up someone is doesn't make for a healthy relationship. It makes for a competent therapist, but that's about it.

What about the demons? Well, they just fucking leave. That's right. It's not enough that this bullshit teen romance that even 90210 fans roll their eyes at seems destined to drag. The entertainment value that usually comes with a demon fight is essentially ditched. Are we really supposed to find more bullshit from X-23 and O5 Angel to be more entertaining? Maybe I'm too drunk to make sense of it, but that just doesn't seem right.

We do get a glimpse of the source of the demons. She looks like Madelyne Pryor. She has horns like Magik. I don't know who she is, but if her demons do a way with this bullshit teen romance that can only function through force, she can't be all evil.

So...is it awesome?

I usually do give points for effort, if only because my old gym and calculus teachers weren't so merciful. I get the sense Hopeless is genuinely trying to make X-23/Angel a thing. I really don't doubt his sincerity. The problem is that, even by teen drama standards, it falls flatter than warm bottle of non-alcoholic beer.

There's no way around it. X-23 and O5 Angel have to really be forced in order for them to function. That's like a marriage that can only work by having both members cheating on one another at all times. It gives absolutely no indication that it can function in a believable, compelling way. At a time when Deadpool's marriage to a succubus is the most functional relationship in the comics, that's pretty fucking sad. All-New X-men #12 tries to be deep. It doesn't fail miserably, but it doesn't succeed spectacularly either. It just ensures we'll have to endure this bullshit phony teen drama a bit longer. It may work on 90210, but even that shit got canceled after a while.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

All-New X-men #11: Nuff Said!

As kids, we tend to be overly simplistic in our logic. If it means we don't get a cookie or can't watch cartoons, it's inherently evil. The same logic applies to our understanding of villains. We see Lex Luthor, Apocalypse, or the ugly ass girl in a Disney movie and immediately assume they're the villain. We're usually right, but these days that childish logic just isn't enough. If it were, Family Guy wouldn't have been canceled twice.

Dennis Hopeless is kicking that logic in the balls with Apocalypse Wars. He is rewriting our understanding of who Apocalypse is. He makes the case in the pages of All-New X-men that any kid growing up around the Sand Stormers is bound to become a genocidal asshole. It's just a matter of inspiring the genocidal tendencies in any kid. Now, Kid Apocalypse and O5 Beast are trying to change that. Fate, destiny, and dick-fighting over movie rights are working against them. All-New X-men #11 shows how much they succeed or fuck up. I'm not used to rooting for Apocalypse, but if I just picture a younger Oscar Isaac, I find it's easier.

Not going to lie. I really am rooting for Kid Apocalypse this time and my inner woman doesn't need to picture Oscar Isaac naked to justify it. In the last issue, Dennis Hopeless put time and effort into showing Kid Apocalypse getting to know the boy who is destined to become the Big Bad Asshole Apocalypse. It's more time and effort than some people spend on their hygiene. It doesn't just paint Apocalypse in a new light. It gives Kid Apocalypse a fuckton of incentive to save this kid before he becomes that big bad asshole he doesn't want to be.

This means working with young En Sabah Nur to save O5 Beast in a way that won't end with someone embracing genocidal tendencies. This already leaves them half-fucked. Young En Sabah Nur explains how the Sand Stormers don't fuck around. They arrange meetings in places so tough to defend that Zack Snyder can make multiple movies out of it. That means they have to walk into a trap with their dicks hanging out and a big target on their ass. I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse, but even I can see how fucked they are.

There's no Solid Snake style stealth or elaborate Mystique level deception. Kid Apocalypse and young En Sabah Nur ride right into the trap where they find O5 Beast in a semi-crucified state. That is to say he isn't dead, but probably wishes he were. I won't say he deserves worse because he isn't quite the same douche as his adult self, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't appreciate this moment to some degree.

Kid Apocalypse and his non-genocidal counterpart easily free him. It's too easy, essentially confirming that they are definitely walking into a trap. This is like every James Bond movie ever made. It's going to all go to shit at some point before they start passing out martinis. They already went swimming with a topless girl in the last issue so it's only a matter of time before they endure a heavy punch to the dick.

As such, nobody whose attention span is longer than Dory from Finding Nemo can say they're surprised when the trap is sprung. It's not quite the same spectacle as a typical Zach Snyder movie, but it is fitting. The creepy old blind guy who spends way too much time in tents with teenage boys shows up and uses a little Dr. Strange type magic to capture En Sabah Nur. That means he's going back to the Sand Stormers where his genocidal proclivities will be back on track. Not saying it's a very elaborate trap, but it gets the job done. Work smart, not hard. It applies just as much to Ancient Egypt as it does to the 21st century.

Naturally, Kid Apocalypse is pissed. Lucky for him, the Sand Stormers are nice enough to throw some troops at him, thinking they have a chance at containing a pissed off teenage boy. Clone or no clone, even the ancients have no excuses. Pissed off teenagers can never be contained. Not in this era and not in any era. When that teenage boy just sees his hopes at fixing his fucked up destiny, he's extra pissed.

However, it's because Kid Apocalypse connected with his younger self that his anger feels more meaningful than a typical teenage temper tantrum. He comes so close to getting En Sabah Nur away from the asshole Sand Stormers. Then, some creepy old guy with magic fucks everything up. He's right to be pissed. It's usually hard rooting for pissed off teenagers in any situation, but it's amazingly easy this time around. It's a testament to the time and effort that Hopeless put into Kid Apocalypse.

Despite doing exactly what everyone in the universe expected and falling into the Sand Stormer's trap, Kid Apocalypse is determined to save his younger self. He didn't come this close, go swimming with a topless girl, and connect with his younger self to just throw his hands up. That's something the Inhumans do. That's not what X-men do.

However, this leads a tough argument with O5 Beast and yes, O5 Beast does find a way to come off as a total ass. While Kid Apocalypse's destiny remains in flux, O5 Beast remains right on track to become the asshole we know and despise. He basically tries to tell Kid Apocalypse that it's no use. Not only that, they may tear the timeline one too many assholes. On top of that, if he saves his younger self, he might not even exist. Kid Apocalypse doesn't give a shit. Unlike O5 Beast, he's actually willing to make a noble, genuine sacrifice. Compare that to O5 Beast's older self, who joined the fucking Inhumans.

It's a great moment for Kid Apocalypse. It makes me root for him even more. We know now that a big part of Apocalypse's douche-bagger came from just spending too much time with the Sand Stormers. He wants to create a better future for him. How much good could someone like Apocalypse do if he got the chance? Not going to lie. That's an intriguing thought. Maybe he would make it so that every teenage boy has a chance to go swimming with a topless girl. How much better would that world be?

The Sand Stormers are intent on denying us that world. They truly are assholes. Ba'al is getting ready to put young En Sabah Nur through some ritual that will help make him a man, but we all know that's just code for making him pro-genocide. I get that every culture has manhood rituals. I just think that any ritual beyond spankings, tea-bagging, and drinking dog piss are excessive.

Kid Apocalypse must feel the same way because he comes storming in, trying to disrupt the ritual in the most blunt way possible. Again, there are no tactics, no subtlety, and no cunning of any kind. Again, he's a pissed off teenage boy. You can't expect a lot of cunning from that.

That's not to say there aren't some tactics involved. While Kid Apocalypse is doing what pissed off teenage boys do, O5 Beast is trying to be productive. That involves finding the Third Eye of Horus, which brought them to this time in the first place. He also has to avoid the creepy old guy/mystic as well. He better clench his asshole tight is what I'm saying.

It makes for an intense, dramatic battle. Kid Apocalypse takes on Ba'al and there's no ambiguity here. We know who to root for. Even if he does have hidden genocidal tendencies, Ba'al makes clear throughout Apocalypse Wars that he's still the bigger asshole. He doesn't just inspire genocide in others. He probably jerks off to it every night. There are some great moments with Kid Apocalypse. He makes clear that he's willing to nullify his own existence in order to change the future and save his younger self. It may or may not be a futile effort, but it's hard to deny the kid's passion and heart.

That's why it's so damn heartbreaking when O5 Beast once again steps in to be the necessary asshole. He stops Kid Apocalypse in the middle of the fight, having retrieved the relic, and transports them back to the future. On some levels, it is a reasonable recourse. They've probably done enough damage to the timeline, giving young En Sabah Nur some time away from the Sand Stormers. They need to get the fuck back before Beast can claim he's fucked up the timeline as both an adult and time-displaced teenager.

While reasonable on some levels, it's still a dick move. It still basically ends the battle too abruptly. Kid Apocalypse doesn't get a chance to say goodbye to his younger self. We don't get a hint of what kind of person Apocalypse would be if he didn't have the Sand Stormers encouraging genocidal hobbies. The drama is there, but the way they just up and leave feels so abrupt. It's an overly simplistic resolution to a conflict that had grown so dramatic.

I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse. However, if you read this and still don't think Beast is a douche, then you're just being difficult.

They return to the present. Near as they can tell, the timeline is intact. That may be necessary at a time when Marvel is fucking around with cosmic cubes and retcons, but it's still bittersweet. It still feels rushed and forced. That doesn't take away from the dramatic impact on Kid Apocalypse. He finally knows with more certainty that being a genocidal asshole isn't innate. It takes nurturing from assholes like the Sand Stormers and O5 Beast just doomed his younger self to a live with those assholes. That, in some respects, makes O5 Beast an even bigger asshole. It's sad, but that's what we've come to expect from O5 Beast.

So...is it awesome?

Well before I answer, let me say this. Hank McCoy is a dick, regardless of whether or not he's time displaced. All I'll say about his O5 self is that at least he pretends to have a reason for being a dick. It's not always a good reason, but unlike my old gym teacher, I do give points for trying. The reason he gives in All-New X-men #11, which effectively dooms Kid Apocalypse, is lacking. Then again, it isn't exactly a new reason. Changing the future and fucking up the timeline is kind of what the O5 do every second they exist in the future. So it's not like he pulled the reason out of his ass. He's not a televangilist.

Even so, Dennis Hopeless still manages to give All-New X-men #11 a heavy impact. He succeeds in using Apocalypse Wars to rewrite our understanding of who Apocalypse is. Granted, it didn't end up fucking over the timeline. However, the timeline is fucked enough thanks to the O5, Inhumans who predict the future, and deals with Mephisto. I can't really blame him for not wanting to fuck it up even more. The impact might be somewhat muted in the end, but it still has more kick than a light beer or the last two Seth Rogan movies. Hopeless proves that it is possible for Apocalypse to be a more well-rounded character. That's a hell of an accomplishment and he didn't even need Oscar Isaac's sex appeal to do it.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

All-New X-men #10: Nuff Said!

Is someone born a genocidal douche-bag are they made? Despite what Lady Gaga songs would have us believe, this question has no clear answers. It's often a combination of the two. Some people are just born with a greater capacity to be assholes than others. Some are just molded into an asshole by a potent combination of shitty parenting, shitty upbringing, and shitty circumstances. Put anyone in the right position and they'll gladly rub elbows with the likes of Apocalypse, Thanos, and whoever Spider-Man happens to piss off.

All-New X-men #10 is exploring this question with Apocalypse, a character I just listed as someone who might share a cold beer with Thanos. While Extraordinary X-men explores yet another dystopian future, Dennis Hopeless has O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse exploring a lesser-known past. It has major implications for the Apocalypse Wars event as a whole and the entire fucking timeline as a whole. Then again, tearing the timeline a new asshole has never bothered Beast before.

Now that he's a prisoner of the Sandstormers, it damn well better be bothering him now. I'm sure Marty McFly would've taken a bat to every time machine in the world if he had to spend more than 10 minutes with these assholes instead of making his future mother horny. O5 Beast manages to find a way to travel to the past, but fucks up as only he can by ending up with the fucking Sandstormers.

Naturally, they're curious about his arrival and wondering how he can help them slaughter more innocent villages. That curiosity, as well as the aid of a creepy old blind guy who shouldn't be within 100 miles of a teenage boy, keeps him alive, but only in a way that'll make him wish he were dead in the long run.

Time travel is much nicer to Kid Apocalypse, probably because he hasn't craved one too many new assholes in the timeline yet. The defining moment in the last issue was him meeting with his younger, pre-Apocalypse self and helping him escape the Sandstormers. Now, Kid Apocalypse is rubbing elbows with his past self and his past self has no fucking clue just what kind of an asshole he grows up to be. It's awkward, but not incest in 1955 awkward.

Dennis Hopeless goes out of his way to really flesh out Kid Apocalypse and his predecessor here. He makes it clear that young En Sabah Nur isn't exactly a fan of the Sandstormers. He's more like one of those unlucky in-laws whose family marries into a family of Raider fans. As far as pre-Apocalypse knows, Kid Apocalypse is just another blue-skinned freak like him and he can help him get the fuck away from the Sandstormers. At this point in his life, he's willing to trust him and probably kiss him if he can get him out of this shit. It's still creepy, but understandable and not technically incest.

This is a big fucking deal to anyone who knows much about Apocalypse's past. That's not saying much though because even his Wikipedia page doesn't give much insight into how some kid in Ancient Egypt became a genocidal asshole for the ages. Hopeless does something remarkable here in revealing that En Sabah Nur hasn't always been that asshole. He makes the case that hanging around the Sandstormers will turn any kid into an asshole of cosmic proportions.

Hopeless actually strengthens that case as he has Kid Apocalypse help his younger hide from the Sandstormers inside a settlement. There, they cross path's with Erika, a woman who looks ripped from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie and is far more bonerific than Johnny Depp. She has the subtlety of Johnny Depp too, as well as Russell Crowe's temper when she picks a fight with some guy selling fruit. Immediately, she comes off as the kind of person who picks a fight with someone who looks at her tits cross-eyed.

However, what makes this fight important isn't how petty overly sober people can be, regardless of the timeline. It's how pre-Apocalypse defuses the situation without maiming anybody. I'll give X-men fans a second process that. Apocalypse, or the kid who becomes Apocalypse, defused a situation without violence. Sure, he uses the fact that everyone is fucking terrified of his father, Ba'al, but he prevents anyone from getting their throats cut. He even pays for the food Erika ate.

Yeah, he's against violence and pays for his meal. At one point, Apocalypse had the manners of Oliver fucking Twist. I know. I'm still struggling to process it too, but in a good way. If Oscar Isaac got to reference this shit, his sex appeal would've been off the charts.

So at this point, my sympathy for Apocalypse is way higher than O5 Beast. Granted, that shit is graded on a steep curve, but it's still worth pointing out. O5 Beast is still trapped with the Sandstormers and the creepy old man who would be barred from being near children at most points in history is learning all he can. Behind the creepiness though, he does offer some important insight.

He cites a few important aspects of Apocalypse's established past, including Rama-Tut and stories of time travel. None of what he says is contrary to any established canon surrounding Apocalypse. Considering how fucked up the timeline is in the X-men movies, this shows that Hopeless gives considerable more fucks about continuity than most. Unlike my old gym teachers, I do give points for effort. The creepy old man cares a lot about that continuity as well. He seems to like a future where Apocalypse grows up to be a genocidal asshole and wants to make it happen. That or he's also a huge Oscar Isaac fan.

Back with Kid Apocalypse, we see even more insight into this kid who grows up to be the genocidal asshole that one day gets his own movie. There's some important moments here with Kid Apocalypse still looking at his younger self and seeing the monster he grows up to be. However, in this particular time, his younger self is just a happy-go-lucky kid who enjoys swimming and spear-fishing. He doesn't torture young animals or beat up kids on the playground. He's actually a healthy, normal kid with healthy, normal interests. I'm as shocked as Kid Apocalypse here, although he's probably way more sober.

He has a nice little conversation with Erika and she's even topless, so you know Kid Apocalypse is going to take her seriously. She believes Ba'al is the real asshole here. She makes the case that he's the one who turns this lovable young boy into Apocalypse. It leaves Kid Apocalypse pretty damn conflicted. Hell, I'm conflicted too. I still don't believe my old gym teacher wasn't born an asshole, but the insight in the story here does give me pause.

If there's anyone in this story who is an unambiguous asshole, it's Ba'al. There's no effort to humanize him and that's probably for the better. He comes off as the kind of guy who loved torturing animals as a kid and probably pissed on their corpses for good measure. When he visits O5 Beast and the old man, he's gone way too long without murdering someone. On top of that, his adopted son who he wants to mold in his assholery image is missing. He wants him back and he's perfectly willing to torture O5 Beast in any way necessary. While I still think O5 Beast is a total douche, I'll happily concede he's not on the same level as Ba'al. That man is a league of his own in terms of douche-baggery. He's almost as bad as Hope fucking Summers. Almost.

Since it's only a matter of time before Ba'al's douche-baggery finds them, things get a lot more urgent with Kid Apocalypse and his past self. His past self is still eager to get the fuck away from Ba'al, hopefully to another continent or timeline, whichever is easier. However, Kid Apocalypse is still reluctant to leave O5 Beast behind. Even he understands that this cannot be good for the timeline in the same way an extra shot of tequila cannot be good for my liver.

That discussion ends abruptly when one of the Sandstormers' rivals attack them at the port. Apparently, being a marauding band of assholes tends to make enemies, regardless of the era. Go figure. A nice little fight breaks out, one where Kid Apocalypse and his younger self get to be heroic. I'm still not used to that shit, but it's quickly growing on me. Pre-Apocalypse shows that, despite being less of an asshole, he can still kick way more ass than most kids his age. He just does it in a way that makes him lovable. Other characters can learn a lot from him.

Looking at you, Hope fucking Summers!

Kid Apocalypse sees this too. We get some nice inner musings about how he and this kid really are more alike than he thought. This young pre-Apocalypse is basically trying to do everything Kid Apocalypse is doing. He's trying to not become an asshole, but constantly gets distracted when bloodthirsty assholes attack him. It's a wonderfully poetic moment of sorts, one that says a lot more about fate and destiny than every Terminator movie ever made. No killer robots from the future are necessary here. It's just a powerful realization at a moment where Kid Apocalypse sees that maybe being an asshole isn't carved into his destiny with an adamantium dildo.

Kid Apocalypse and his past self manage to get away before they start enjoying the bloodshed too much. They're on the ship with Erika, who might be inclined to take her top off again. So everything is looking up for them, right?

Well, Ba'al is still alive so they're still fucked to some unenviable degree. He finally gets in touch with them, courtesy of the creepy old guy's mystic shit. He shows that he's just that determined to turn young Apocalypse into a genocidal asshole and he's willing to torture O5 Beast to do it. That means the prospect of swimming with more topless women got a lot more remote. I honestly can't think of a worse tragedy for Kid Apocalypse.

So...is it awesome?

Before I answer that, let me just point out that most stories that center around Beast tend to be graded on a reverse curve. This is a guy who joined the Inhumans, blames Cyclops for everything, and sticks his furry dick into an already-ravaged timeline whenever the fuck he feels like it. That said, All-New #10 essentially kicks that reverse curve in the ass. It's not just because O5 Beast does jack shit for the most part. It's because this story does something incredible. It gives depth, context, and intrigue to Apocalypse as a character. Read that sentence over again because for long-time X-men fans, it warrants repeating.

Anyone who just saw X-men: Apocalypse can understand that as a character, Apocalypse is as basic as the Red Skull, Darkseid, or one of Peter Parker's ex-girlfriends. Pretty much everything about him to this point is built around influences that make him a genocidal douche-bag. All-New X-men #10 completely fucks that overly simple setup in the best possible way. It paints Apocalypse as someone who became evil because of assholes like Ba'al influencing him, not because he's just an inherent douche-bag. It makes his story interesting in ways that Oscar Isaac's sex appeal can only help. At a time when Marvel seems to give three-tenths of a shit about making the X-men more interesting, this is as awesome an upheaval as any X-men fan can ask for. Remember that because I might not be able to say that with a straight face for much longer.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

All-New X-men #9: Nuff Said!

Some things can never be overdone. Masturbation, chocolate, and boobs come to mind. Marvel seems to be making a concerted effort to add time travel to that list. They've already introduced yet another overly dystopian future in Apocalypse Wars with Extraordinary X-men. Then again, the present is pretty fucking dystopian already thanks to clouds of Inhuman farts so that's really not saying much. Now, All-New X-men is joining the shit storm with Apocalypse Wars. And wouldn't you know it? More time travel is about to enter the picture.

Ignore for a moment how time travel will never be on the same level as chocolate. Apocalypse Wars is a huge opportunity for one particular character, Kid Apocalypse, to finally show that he's not destined to be the genocidal asshole who tries to wipe out all life on Earth every other week. But that would mean he would never be played by Oscar Isaac so maybe he'll be conflicted. Kid Apocalypse has a chance to start kicking destiny in the balls in All-New X-men #9. I just have another excuse to review comics and get drunk. So I still win motherfucker.

What's one way of kicking destiny in the balls? How about a kick-ass party? That's how college frat guys do it, minus the hazing and lighting of farts. Why not try it with mutants destined to destroy the world?

As it just so happens, Kid Apocalypse is celebrating a birthday. Granted, the circumstances of his birth are fucked, but it's still an excuse to have a party and he's a teenager so the circumstances mean precisely dick. And despite being in a world where clouds of Inhuman farts are maiming and sterilizing mutants, there are still enough to meet up in the ruins of Utopia and have a kick-ass party. We even manage to see a few faces that were basically MIA even before Secret Wars, like Transonic, Shark Girl, and Broo. They even have Kid Gladiator being a DJ. That's as awesome and fucked up as it sounds.

So in terms of having a birthday party, this is as awesome as it can get without involving strippers. Even a kid destined to be a world-destroying menace can't help but have a good time.

Even O5 Cyclops, who is still on the mend after getting his ass kicked by Toad (not a joke by the way), shows up to celebrate. There are smiles all around. Everybody is supporting Kid Apocalypse. There's only one tiny reference to O5 Angel bitching and moaning about his relationship with X-23. So overall, the shit that made them whiny and annoying for much of this series is totally absent. It's more than refreshing. It's way fucking overdue.

And yet, Kid Apocalypse still can't help but brood. However, I give him somewhat of a pass. Sure, he'll later be associated with Oscar Isaac, but he's still kind of bothered by the idea that he grows up to be this genocidal maniac. There's some great inner monologue here, which Dennis Hopeless hasn't done enough of in this series. It offers great insight into what Kid Apocalypse is contemplating on his birthday as he gets one year closer to being that madman who will one day get his own X-men movie. I normally don't say this about characters destined to be assholes, but it's hard not to like him.

On the flip side, it's easy to hate O5 Beast. I still feel the urge to kick him in the dick every time I see him in a comic. At least this time, he's trying to do something productive. After a painfully bland filler story with him and Dr. Strange, he's decided to address one of those annoying plots that hasn't even been mentioned since Battle of the Atom. That's right. He's actually trying to figure out why the O5 X-men can't go back to their own time.

It's an important and meaningful shift for O5 Beast, who has spent too much time bitching and moaning on a level preparing him to be his douchier older self. Someone has to figure out this shit that kept the O5 X-men in the present. It might as well be a douche-bag like Hank McCoy, armed with the arrogance of youth and some lessons from Dr. Strange. Considering his older self stole time travel technology from Dr. Doom, I'd say he's in a slightly better place. Sure, he's failing so far, but he still has an adorable pet bamf. So I'll give him that.

After borrowing the pet bamf and leaving O5 Beast to start picking at this annoyingly lingering plot hole, Kid Apocalypse takes a quick trip to a simpler setting. He goes to a generic, small-time town in Kansas. It's basically the kind of town Ted Cruz loved to campaign in, exploiting the politics of those who are poorly educated and dumbed down by religious indoctrination. Sure, he gets some shit there from some redneck types who hate mutants. But these assholes probably do the same Mexicans, Asians, and anyone else Mel Gibson ever ranted about. So it's all relative.

To his credit, Kid Apocalypse doesn't use this as an excuse to go into his first genocidal rage. I'm sure he's saving that for his 21st birthday. But more internal monologue offers more insight. Hopeless really shines here, fleshing him out while referencing the events of Uncanny X-Force. I'm still reluctant to like Kid Apocalypse, but damn it if Hopeless isn't making that difficult.

What makes him so likable is that he knows that he's destined to be a genocidal psychopath with an annoying resemblance to Ivan Ooze. He also knows that the memories he has of most of his life are all implanted lies, courtesy of Fantomex. He knows all of this, but he still makes a genuine effort to not be a total asshole. He could easily use this as an excuse to be a total dick, but he doesn't. He still makes an effort to be better. Not a lot of characters do that and some go out of their way to just be assholes.

Looking at you, Hope fucking Summers!

Kid Apocalypse arrives back on Utopia just as the party is winding down. He has a nice moment with Idie. She says they're all about to watch a birthday movie, probably American Pie or the Hangover. He's 16, remember? But he opts to check in with O5 Beast again so he can return his pet bamf. That's when he demonstrates why teenagers shouldn't be in close proximity to obscenely destructive shit.

Remember that magic mask that Dr. Strange gave O5 Beast? Well if you do, you have my sympathy because it means you had to read that shitty filler story in the previous issue. You didn't, don't bother and don't worry. All you need to know is Kid Apocalypse tries it on, it magically gets O5 Beast's time travel shit to work, and they're transported back into the past. Why? It's magic. It doesn't need to make sense. Ask Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson.

So where in the timeline do they end up? There are any number of shitty time periods they could've gone. Any that don't have indoor plumbing and bowls made out of lead are bad enough. But since O5 Beast has a fuckton of bad karma working against him, they land in Ancient Egypt. And not just the whip-cracking, Charlton Heston version of Egypt either. They arrive in the era of the Sandstormers, the brutally violent nomadic tribe that helped turn the first mutant into Apocalypse. They're basically a less polite version of a Mexican drug cartel. So yeah, this is what Apocalypse grew up around. Who wouldn't become a genocidal madman in that environment?

O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse arrive just in time to see the Sandstormers executing some random guy who probably just looked at them cross-eyed. That or this is basically they're only form of entertainment since internet porn and video games are still a few thousand years off. The Sandstormers greet their arrival with the same warmth as I would greet anyone who tries to steal my beer and piss on my lawn. They might even see this as a bonus. They were just going to execute a guy and get drunk. Now they have two more people to execute. It's like the ancient equivalent of finding an extra slice of pizza.

We get some intense, well-designed action scenes, courtesy of Mark Bagley. These aren't killer robots. These aren't drunk Toads either. These are the fucking Sandstormers. It's chaotic, but intense. It's very much reflective of the world Apocalypse came from. In that chaos, Kid Apocalypse manages to slip away with one of the younger Sandstormers who seems to have a problem with just executing people for shits and giggles. I guess that's just an obligatory statement that not everyone from the past was a blood-thirsty savage. I'm sure the politically correct crowd demanded this kind disclaimer.

But the important outcome in this fight is that O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse get separated in the chaos. They each do their part to get away. Kid Apocalypse used to hang out with Fantomex and Deadpool so naturally, he has the edge. O5 Beast, however, only has experience beating up Toad, Blob, and Unus the Untouchable. Not saying he's a pushover, but against the Sandstormers he might as well be kitten fighting a shark.

O5 Beast manages to get his ass captured. Kid Apocalypse and his new best friend manage to get to a nearby settlement. Here, Kid Apocalypse demonstrates that having horrible influences like Fantomex and Deadpool does have its perks. He's able to kick a little ass and escape the Sandstormers. Sure, he doesn't get to shoot or maim anyone, which I'm sure would disappoint Fantomex. But he's able to defend himself. That's something most teenagers not armed with baseball bats can't do. That puts Kid Apocalypse well above most kids in his age bracket. It also makes him more respectable than 95 percent of 16-year-old boys I know. Again, I'm trying not to get too attached to Kid Apocalypse, but Dennis Hopeless keeps making that difficult.

This is where the timeline might just gain a new torn asshole. Remember that new friend Kid Apocalypse made from the Sandstormers? Well, it turns out it's him. More accurately, it's a distant past version of him. Sure, he's still kind of creepy as fuck and nowhere near as handsome as Oscar Issac is on an average day, but his presence is a big fucking deal. He's now face-to-face with his past self. He has a chance to definitely change his future as a genocidal madman. I'm sure he's tempted, but I hope he takes into account how badly the O5 X-men have failed. He should know better than most the dangers of tearing the timeline a new asshole, but then again he's 16. His ability to be that responsible and think that far ahead is limited.

So...is it awesome?

Not going to lie. I've approached Apocalypse Wars the same way I approach my taxes. It's sort of unavoidable, this major event that Marvel is forcing itself to do so they can mask just how badly they're fucking every mutant-related character not named Deadpool. But if I'm going to still not lie, this is a damn good issue. And yeah, I say that with a straight face. This series, which is more hit-or-miss than the NFL draft at times, actually manages to have heart, sincerity, and character drama for all the right reasons. I don't get that kind of pleasant surprise while doing my taxes.

Sure, time travel bullshit is still confusing as fuck and X-men overdo it compulsively masturbating monkey/meth head. It's still somewhat refreshing to see this series finally address some of the unanswered questions from X-men: Battle of the Atom while giving Kid Apocalypse a bit more depth. It might be too late for Oscar Isaac make use of it, but explores elements of Apocalypse that the X-men haven't explored before. And they actually do it well so I can say with a semi-sober tone that this actually works. It's a time travel and Apocalypse story that works.

Take note, Bryan Singer! If the reviews for X-men: Apocalypse are any indication, you're going to need it.

Final Score: 9 out of 10