All-New X-men #11: Nuff Said!

As kids, we tend to be overly simplistic in our logic. If it means we don't get a cookie or can't watch cartoons, it's inherently evil. The same logic applies to our understanding of villains. We see Lex Luthor, Apocalypse, or the ugly ass girl in a Disney movie and immediately assume they're the villain. We're usually right, but these days that childish logic just isn't enough. If it were, Family Guy wouldn't have been canceled twice.

Dennis Hopeless is kicking that logic in the balls with Apocalypse Wars. He is rewriting our understanding of who Apocalypse is. He makes the case in the pages of All-New X-men that any kid growing up around the Sand Stormers is bound to become a genocidal asshole. It's just a matter of inspiring the genocidal tendencies in any kid. Now, Kid Apocalypse and O5 Beast are trying to change that. Fate, destiny, and dick-fighting over movie rights are working against them. All-New X-men #11 shows how much they succeed or fuck up. I'm not used to rooting for Apocalypse, but if I just picture a younger Oscar Isaac, I find it's easier.

Not going to lie. I really am rooting for Kid Apocalypse this time and my inner woman doesn't need to picture Oscar Isaac naked to justify it. In the last issue, Dennis Hopeless put time and effort into showing Kid Apocalypse getting to know the boy who is destined to become the Big Bad Asshole Apocalypse. It's more time and effort than some people spend on their hygiene. It doesn't just paint Apocalypse in a new light. It gives Kid Apocalypse a fuckton of incentive to save this kid before he becomes that big bad asshole he doesn't want to be.

This means working with young En Sabah Nur to save O5 Beast in a way that won't end with someone embracing genocidal tendencies. This already leaves them half-fucked. Young En Sabah Nur explains how the Sand Stormers don't fuck around. They arrange meetings in places so tough to defend that Zack Snyder can make multiple movies out of it. That means they have to walk into a trap with their dicks hanging out and a big target on their ass. I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse, but even I can see how fucked they are.

There's no Solid Snake style stealth or elaborate Mystique level deception. Kid Apocalypse and young En Sabah Nur ride right into the trap where they find O5 Beast in a semi-crucified state. That is to say he isn't dead, but probably wishes he were. I won't say he deserves worse because he isn't quite the same douche as his adult self, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't appreciate this moment to some degree.

Kid Apocalypse and his non-genocidal counterpart easily free him. It's too easy, essentially confirming that they are definitely walking into a trap. This is like every James Bond movie ever made. It's going to all go to shit at some point before they start passing out martinis. They already went swimming with a topless girl in the last issue so it's only a matter of time before they endure a heavy punch to the dick.

As such, nobody whose attention span is longer than Dory from Finding Nemo can say they're surprised when the trap is sprung. It's not quite the same spectacle as a typical Zach Snyder movie, but it is fitting. The creepy old blind guy who spends way too much time in tents with teenage boys shows up and uses a little Dr. Strange type magic to capture En Sabah Nur. That means he's going back to the Sand Stormers where his genocidal proclivities will be back on track. Not saying it's a very elaborate trap, but it gets the job done. Work smart, not hard. It applies just as much to Ancient Egypt as it does to the 21st century.

Naturally, Kid Apocalypse is pissed. Lucky for him, the Sand Stormers are nice enough to throw some troops at him, thinking they have a chance at containing a pissed off teenage boy. Clone or no clone, even the ancients have no excuses. Pissed off teenagers can never be contained. Not in this era and not in any era. When that teenage boy just sees his hopes at fixing his fucked up destiny, he's extra pissed.

However, it's because Kid Apocalypse connected with his younger self that his anger feels more meaningful than a typical teenage temper tantrum. He comes so close to getting En Sabah Nur away from the asshole Sand Stormers. Then, some creepy old guy with magic fucks everything up. He's right to be pissed. It's usually hard rooting for pissed off teenagers in any situation, but it's amazingly easy this time around. It's a testament to the time and effort that Hopeless put into Kid Apocalypse.

Despite doing exactly what everyone in the universe expected and falling into the Sand Stormer's trap, Kid Apocalypse is determined to save his younger self. He didn't come this close, go swimming with a topless girl, and connect with his younger self to just throw his hands up. That's something the Inhumans do. That's not what X-men do.

However, this leads a tough argument with O5 Beast and yes, O5 Beast does find a way to come off as a total ass. While Kid Apocalypse's destiny remains in flux, O5 Beast remains right on track to become the asshole we know and despise. He basically tries to tell Kid Apocalypse that it's no use. Not only that, they may tear the timeline one too many assholes. On top of that, if he saves his younger self, he might not even exist. Kid Apocalypse doesn't give a shit. Unlike O5 Beast, he's actually willing to make a noble, genuine sacrifice. Compare that to O5 Beast's older self, who joined the fucking Inhumans.

It's a great moment for Kid Apocalypse. It makes me root for him even more. We know now that a big part of Apocalypse's douche-bagger came from just spending too much time with the Sand Stormers. He wants to create a better future for him. How much good could someone like Apocalypse do if he got the chance? Not going to lie. That's an intriguing thought. Maybe he would make it so that every teenage boy has a chance to go swimming with a topless girl. How much better would that world be?

The Sand Stormers are intent on denying us that world. They truly are assholes. Ba'al is getting ready to put young En Sabah Nur through some ritual that will help make him a man, but we all know that's just code for making him pro-genocide. I get that every culture has manhood rituals. I just think that any ritual beyond spankings, tea-bagging, and drinking dog piss are excessive.

Kid Apocalypse must feel the same way because he comes storming in, trying to disrupt the ritual in the most blunt way possible. Again, there are no tactics, no subtlety, and no cunning of any kind. Again, he's a pissed off teenage boy. You can't expect a lot of cunning from that.

That's not to say there aren't some tactics involved. While Kid Apocalypse is doing what pissed off teenage boys do, O5 Beast is trying to be productive. That involves finding the Third Eye of Horus, which brought them to this time in the first place. He also has to avoid the creepy old guy/mystic as well. He better clench his asshole tight is what I'm saying.

It makes for an intense, dramatic battle. Kid Apocalypse takes on Ba'al and there's no ambiguity here. We know who to root for. Even if he does have hidden genocidal tendencies, Ba'al makes clear throughout Apocalypse Wars that he's still the bigger asshole. He doesn't just inspire genocide in others. He probably jerks off to it every night. There are some great moments with Kid Apocalypse. He makes clear that he's willing to nullify his own existence in order to change the future and save his younger self. It may or may not be a futile effort, but it's hard to deny the kid's passion and heart.

That's why it's so damn heartbreaking when O5 Beast once again steps in to be the necessary asshole. He stops Kid Apocalypse in the middle of the fight, having retrieved the relic, and transports them back to the future. On some levels, it is a reasonable recourse. They've probably done enough damage to the timeline, giving young En Sabah Nur some time away from the Sand Stormers. They need to get the fuck back before Beast can claim he's fucked up the timeline as both an adult and time-displaced teenager.

While reasonable on some levels, it's still a dick move. It still basically ends the battle too abruptly. Kid Apocalypse doesn't get a chance to say goodbye to his younger self. We don't get a hint of what kind of person Apocalypse would be if he didn't have the Sand Stormers encouraging genocidal hobbies. The drama is there, but the way they just up and leave feels so abrupt. It's an overly simplistic resolution to a conflict that had grown so dramatic.

I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse. However, if you read this and still don't think Beast is a douche, then you're just being difficult.

They return to the present. Near as they can tell, the timeline is intact. That may be necessary at a time when Marvel is fucking around with cosmic cubes and retcons, but it's still bittersweet. It still feels rushed and forced. That doesn't take away from the dramatic impact on Kid Apocalypse. He finally knows with more certainty that being a genocidal asshole isn't innate. It takes nurturing from assholes like the Sand Stormers and O5 Beast just doomed his younger self to a live with those assholes. That, in some respects, makes O5 Beast an even bigger asshole. It's sad, but that's what we've come to expect from O5 Beast.

So...is it awesome?

Well before I answer, let me say this. Hank McCoy is a dick, regardless of whether or not he's time displaced. All I'll say about his O5 self is that at least he pretends to have a reason for being a dick. It's not always a good reason, but unlike my old gym teacher, I do give points for trying. The reason he gives in All-New X-men #11, which effectively dooms Kid Apocalypse, is lacking. Then again, it isn't exactly a new reason. Changing the future and fucking up the timeline is kind of what the O5 do every second they exist in the future. So it's not like he pulled the reason out of his ass. He's not a televangilist.

Even so, Dennis Hopeless still manages to give All-New X-men #11 a heavy impact. He succeeds in using Apocalypse Wars to rewrite our understanding of who Apocalypse is. Granted, it didn't end up fucking over the timeline. However, the timeline is fucked enough thanks to the O5, Inhumans who predict the future, and deals with Mephisto. I can't really blame him for not wanting to fuck it up even more. The impact might be somewhat muted in the end, but it still has more kick than a light beer or the last two Seth Rogan movies. Hopeless proves that it is possible for Apocalypse to be a more well-rounded character. That's a hell of an accomplishment and he didn't even need Oscar Isaac's sex appeal to do it.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

All-New X-men #10: Nuff Said!

Is someone born a genocidal douche-bag are they made? Despite what Lady Gaga songs would have us believe, this question has no clear answers. It's often a combination of the two. Some people are just born with a greater capacity to be assholes than others. Some are just molded into an asshole by a potent combination of shitty parenting, shitty upbringing, and shitty circumstances. Put anyone in the right position and they'll gladly rub elbows with the likes of Apocalypse, Thanos, and whoever Spider-Man happens to piss off.

All-New X-men #10 is exploring this question with Apocalypse, a character I just listed as someone who might share a cold beer with Thanos. While Extraordinary X-men explores yet another dystopian future, Dennis Hopeless has O5 Beast and Kid Apocalypse exploring a lesser-known past. It has major implications for the Apocalypse Wars event as a whole and the entire fucking timeline as a whole. Then again, tearing the timeline a new asshole has never bothered Beast before.

Now that he's a prisoner of the Sandstormers, it damn well better be bothering him now. I'm sure Marty McFly would've taken a bat to every time machine in the world if he had to spend more than 10 minutes with these assholes instead of making his future mother horny. O5 Beast manages to find a way to travel to the past, but fucks up as only he can by ending up with the fucking Sandstormers.

Naturally, they're curious about his arrival and wondering how he can help them slaughter more innocent villages. That curiosity, as well as the aid of a creepy old blind guy who shouldn't be within 100 miles of a teenage boy, keeps him alive, but only in a way that'll make him wish he were dead in the long run.

Time travel is much nicer to Kid Apocalypse, probably because he hasn't craved one too many new assholes in the timeline yet. The defining moment in the last issue was him meeting with his younger, pre-Apocalypse self and helping him escape the Sandstormers. Now, Kid Apocalypse is rubbing elbows with his past self and his past self has no fucking clue just what kind of an asshole he grows up to be. It's awkward, but not incest in 1955 awkward.

Dennis Hopeless goes out of his way to really flesh out Kid Apocalypse and his predecessor here. He makes it clear that young En Sabah Nur isn't exactly a fan of the Sandstormers. He's more like one of those unlucky in-laws whose family marries into a family of Raider fans. As far as pre-Apocalypse knows, Kid Apocalypse is just another blue-skinned freak like him and he can help him get the fuck away from the Sandstormers. At this point in his life, he's willing to trust him and probably kiss him if he can get him out of this shit. It's still creepy, but understandable and not technically incest.

This is a big fucking deal to anyone who knows much about Apocalypse's past. That's not saying much though because even his Wikipedia page doesn't give much insight into how some kid in Ancient Egypt became a genocidal asshole for the ages. Hopeless does something remarkable here in revealing that En Sabah Nur hasn't always been that asshole. He makes the case that hanging around the Sandstormers will turn any kid into an asshole of cosmic proportions.

Hopeless actually strengthens that case as he has Kid Apocalypse help his younger hide from the Sandstormers inside a settlement. There, they cross path's with Erika, a woman who looks ripped from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie and is far more bonerific than Johnny Depp. She has the subtlety of Johnny Depp too, as well as Russell Crowe's temper when she picks a fight with some guy selling fruit. Immediately, she comes off as the kind of person who picks a fight with someone who looks at her tits cross-eyed.

However, what makes this fight important isn't how petty overly sober people can be, regardless of the timeline. It's how pre-Apocalypse defuses the situation without maiming anybody. I'll give X-men fans a second process that. Apocalypse, or the kid who becomes Apocalypse, defused a situation without violence. Sure, he uses the fact that everyone is fucking terrified of his father, Ba'al, but he prevents anyone from getting their throats cut. He even pays for the food Erika ate.

Yeah, he's against violence and pays for his meal. At one point, Apocalypse had the manners of Oliver fucking Twist. I know. I'm still struggling to process it too, but in a good way. If Oscar Isaac got to reference this shit, his sex appeal would've been off the charts.

So at this point, my sympathy for Apocalypse is way higher than O5 Beast. Granted, that shit is graded on a steep curve, but it's still worth pointing out. O5 Beast is still trapped with the Sandstormers and the creepy old man who would be barred from being near children at most points in history is learning all he can. Behind the creepiness though, he does offer some important insight.

He cites a few important aspects of Apocalypse's established past, including Rama-Tut and stories of time travel. None of what he says is contrary to any established canon surrounding Apocalypse. Considering how fucked up the timeline is in the X-men movies, this shows that Hopeless gives considerable more fucks about continuity than most. Unlike my old gym teachers, I do give points for effort. The creepy old man cares a lot about that continuity as well. He seems to like a future where Apocalypse grows up to be a genocidal asshole and wants to make it happen. That or he's also a huge Oscar Isaac fan.

Back with Kid Apocalypse, we see even more insight into this kid who grows up to be the genocidal asshole that one day gets his own movie. There's some important moments here with Kid Apocalypse still looking at his younger self and seeing the monster he grows up to be. However, in this particular time, his younger self is just a happy-go-lucky kid who enjoys swimming and spear-fishing. He doesn't torture young animals or beat up kids on the playground. He's actually a healthy, normal kid with healthy, normal interests. I'm as shocked as Kid Apocalypse here, although he's probably way more sober.

He has a nice little conversation with Erika and she's even topless, so you know Kid Apocalypse is going to take her seriously. She believes Ba'al is the real asshole here. She makes the case that he's the one who turns this lovable young boy into Apocalypse. It leaves Kid Apocalypse pretty damn conflicted. Hell, I'm conflicted too. I still don't believe my old gym teacher wasn't born an asshole, but the insight in the story here does give me pause.

If there's anyone in this story who is an unambiguous asshole, it's Ba'al. There's no effort to humanize him and that's probably for the better. He comes off as the kind of guy who loved torturing animals as a kid and probably pissed on their corpses for good measure. When he visits O5 Beast and the old man, he's gone way too long without murdering someone. On top of that, his adopted son who he wants to mold in his assholery image is missing. He wants him back and he's perfectly willing to torture O5 Beast in any way necessary. While I still think O5 Beast is a total douche, I'll happily concede he's not on the same level as Ba'al. That man is a league of his own in terms of douche-baggery. He's almost as bad as Hope fucking Summers. Almost.

Since it's only a matter of time before Ba'al's douche-baggery finds them, things get a lot more urgent with Kid Apocalypse and his past self. His past self is still eager to get the fuck away from Ba'al, hopefully to another continent or timeline, whichever is easier. However, Kid Apocalypse is still reluctant to leave O5 Beast behind. Even he understands that this cannot be good for the timeline in the same way an extra shot of tequila cannot be good for my liver.

That discussion ends abruptly when one of the Sandstormers' rivals attack them at the port. Apparently, being a marauding band of assholes tends to make enemies, regardless of the era. Go figure. A nice little fight breaks out, one where Kid Apocalypse and his younger self get to be heroic. I'm still not used to that shit, but it's quickly growing on me. Pre-Apocalypse shows that, despite being less of an asshole, he can still kick way more ass than most kids his age. He just does it in a way that makes him lovable. Other characters can learn a lot from him.

Looking at you, Hope fucking Summers!

Kid Apocalypse sees this too. We get some nice inner musings about how he and this kid really are more alike than he thought. This young pre-Apocalypse is basically trying to do everything Kid Apocalypse is doing. He's trying to not become an asshole, but constantly gets distracted when bloodthirsty assholes attack him. It's a wonderfully poetic moment of sorts, one that says a lot more about fate and destiny than every Terminator movie ever made. No killer robots from the future are necessary here. It's just a powerful realization at a moment where Kid Apocalypse sees that maybe being an asshole isn't carved into his destiny with an adamantium dildo.

Kid Apocalypse and his past self manage to get away before they start enjoying the bloodshed too much. They're on the ship with Erika, who might be inclined to take her top off again. So everything is looking up for them, right?

Well, Ba'al is still alive so they're still fucked to some unenviable degree. He finally gets in touch with them, courtesy of the creepy old guy's mystic shit. He shows that he's just that determined to turn young Apocalypse into a genocidal asshole and he's willing to torture O5 Beast to do it. That means the prospect of swimming with more topless women got a lot more remote. I honestly can't think of a worse tragedy for Kid Apocalypse.

So...is it awesome?

Before I answer that, let me just point out that most stories that center around Beast tend to be graded on a reverse curve. This is a guy who joined the Inhumans, blames Cyclops for everything, and sticks his furry dick into an already-ravaged timeline whenever the fuck he feels like it. That said, All-New #10 essentially kicks that reverse curve in the ass. It's not just because O5 Beast does jack shit for the most part. It's because this story does something incredible. It gives depth, context, and intrigue to Apocalypse as a character. Read that sentence over again because for long-time X-men fans, it warrants repeating.

Anyone who just saw X-men: Apocalypse can understand that as a character, Apocalypse is as basic as the Red Skull, Darkseid, or one of Peter Parker's ex-girlfriends. Pretty much everything about him to this point is built around influences that make him a genocidal douche-bag. All-New X-men #10 completely fucks that overly simple setup in the best possible way. It paints Apocalypse as someone who became evil because of assholes like Ba'al influencing him, not because he's just an inherent douche-bag. It makes his story interesting in ways that Oscar Isaac's sex appeal can only help. At a time when Marvel seems to give three-tenths of a shit about making the X-men more interesting, this is as awesome an upheaval as any X-men fan can ask for. Remember that because I might not be able to say that with a straight face for much longer.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

X-Men: Apocalypse | Official Trailer [HD] | 20th Century FOX (Mutants Are Fucked)

The second and, presumably, final trailer for X-men Apocalypse came out. After seeing this, all I can say is this movie is going to get its mutant ass kicked by Captain America: Civil War. I love Sophie Turner, Jennifer Lawrence, and James McAvoy. I love X-men and will root for them over those who would try to replace them with bullshit Inhumans. But they're just not going to win 2016. Between Justice League, Captain America: Civil War, and a fucking Ninja Turtles movie that has Krang in it, I think I'm not crazy to say that X-men Apocalypse is fucked.

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE Official Trailer: Apocalyptic Odds

In the old X-men Animated Series, also known as the GREATEST CARTOON EVER, Apocalypse had one line that best summed up what an evil badass he was. He said this:

"There is no freedom from me. There is only freedom through me!"

THAT'S Apocalypse. That's who he is. Of all the complex villains in X-men history, he's probably the most basic. He's a mutant with god-like power, a god-like ego, and a god-like grudge against the weak. Surely, Fox is incapable of fucking up a movie with a character like this. I want to believe it. But time and again, Fox has proven that they're capable of fucking up any character. Just ask Dr. Doom.

That said, I do concede that Fox has done a better job minimizing their fuck-ups with X-men than it has Fantastic Four. I think Bryan Singer is a douche, but he's WAY better than Josh Trank. Pretty sure that shit is beyond dispute.

Singer indirectly admitted he let shit get really fucked up in the X-men movies when he left to make Superman a deadbeat dad when he rebooted the entire X-men canon in X-men: Days of Future Past. Pretty much everything from that movies is now as meaningful as David Hasselhoff's music career. It's probably for the best. Aside from Mystique running around naked, those movies were basically an elaborate circle jerk of stories centered around Wolverine whining about a woman he never got to fuck.

Fox now has a clean slate to work with. They shit all over the clean slate they had with Fantastic Four. Now, this might be their last chance to prove they can't fuck it up. And the trailer finally came out this past week, minus Ivan Ooze. So will it work? Will Singer avoid Trank's mistakes? I don't know. All I know is that Sophie Turner looks fucking gorgeous.


Even if this movie finds a way NOT to suck, the cards are already stacked against it. X-men Apocalypse isn't just battling other Marvel movies next summer. It also has to deal with Batman v. Superman and Independence Day as competition. And Marvel has proven time and again that even their sub-par movies beat the shit out of Fox's best. This is a movie destined to get swallowed up by the collective efforts of the Justice League, the Avengers, and Jeff Goldbloom. So put on some adamantium-coated underwear, X-men fans. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.