Priming A New Future: X-men Prime #1

The following is my review of X-men Prime #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Victory in every conflict comes at a price, but sometimes the price is secondary to the situation. For the X-men, the situation tends to be convoluted in detail, but simple in substance. Either they achieve victory or they go extinct. There's very little gray area in between. Those are the stakes that play out in Inhumans vs. X-men. Those are the stakes that drive the X-men's overall narrative as a series.

Now, with the conclusion of Inhumans vs. X-men, the situation is ready to evolve. The X-men once again have a chance to do more than just fight for their right to exist, which has been at the heart of nearly every major conflict since House of M. It's a chance they can't afford to squander. Stories involving sterilization and extinction are rapidly losing their ability to generate dramatic weight. More than any other ongoing series, the X-men need a new conflict with new stakes.

That's exactly what X-men Prime #1 sets out to do. Under the pen of Marc Guggenheim, Greg Pak, and Cullen Bunn, and a couple other top-tier artists, the X-men's story finally moves forward from yet another extinction/sterilization plot. It is, effectively, a bridge from one era to another. It helps settle the dust of one conflict while preparing the X-men for another.

The conflict itself is still secondary compared to the situation. Compared to the X-men's situation after Secret Wars, it doesn't take much to improve their predicament. In essence, this is one situation where over-achievement is necessary to elicit the necessary impact. It's a challenge and not just because impacting the X-men usually requires killer robots. He is tasked with essentially molding a new situation for the X-men to navigate. What he ends up crafting is as polished as it is compelling.

There are no killer robots. There are no poison gas clouds, time-traveling assassins, or clone army. X-men Prime #1 isn't structured for those kinds of fireworks. It's very much an epilogue and a prelude for the X-men as a whole. It unfolds primarily through the eyes of Kitty Pryde, who was lucky enough to have avoided the whole sterilization/poison gas cloud/war with the Inhumans. In many respects, that makes her uniquely qualified to take in this new status quo.

Kitty, having spent much of her time guarding the galaxy with her ex-fiance and a talking raccoon, returns to the world of X-men that wants to change. From Storm to the time-displaced X-men, Guggenheim, Pak, and Bunn create this prevailing sentiment that the way they're doing things has to change. Their current way put them at war with the Inhumans and forced them to live in a demon-infested realm. With or without mutant powers, any system that puts anyone into close proximity with demons is definitely a system in need of revision.

This makes for some very personal moments between Kitty Pryde and several characters who have been deeply affected by recent events, some of which don't even involve demons. Most of those moments involve Storm, who presents herself as a relic of the old system, in a sense.

She accepts responsibility for the decisions that led to the X-men's war with the Inhumans. She makes clear and gives some fairly understandable reasons why she doesn't feel inclined to lead anymore. Again, the X-men ended up living in a demon-infested realm under her leadership. She realizes on some levels that there's room for improvement.

Not every moment is as personal, though. Kitty does get a chance to meet up with Colossus, which is understandably awkward, but promptly avoided. She also gets a chance to meet up with the time-displaced X-men, albeit indirectly. These moments aren't quite as dramatic, but they do serve a purpose in that they show how portions of the X-men are going in different directions. Kitty can only do so much to influence them, but she's in a position to do more for the X-men than most. At this point, any direction that doesn't involve close proximity to demons counts as an upgrade.

X-men Prime #1 doesn't just succeed in using these personal moments with Kitty to move the X-men forward. It succeeds in making it feel dramatic and sincere. Being able to do this without killer robots or sterilization plots counts as an accomplishment these days. Through Kitty Pryde, he's able to convey a sense of hope and determination, two of the most important elements in any era of X-men.

As good as these moments are, there are a few that don't feel quite as dramatic. Kitty's interaction with Colossus is relatively minor and doesn't get too personal. A side-plot involving Lady Deathstrike and Weapon X feels disconnected and unnecessary to the overall story. While the moment with the time-displaced X-men offers a nice twist, it doesn't have many specifics. Some elements are left a bit vague, but it never feels too convoluted. In a series with clones and time-displaced characters, that still counts for something.

In terms of setting the stage for a new era of X-men, X-men Prime #1 checks nearly every box. Guggenheim, Pak, and Bunn establish a direction for the team. He takes the X-men out of the demon-infested and into a more promising situation. Considering how grim and dire the X-men's condition has been since the conclusion of Secret Wars, it's downright refreshing.

Sure, there are bound to be more attacks by killer robots. Sure, it's very likely that more clones and time travelers will enter the mix and frustrate the X-men. Like Wolverine and beer, certain elements are inescapably linked. The challenge is making the narrative behind these links compelling. In that sense, X-men Prime #1 rises to the challenge. For now, there's hope for the world of the X-men and, provided nobody ends up sterilized, that hope holds a great deal of promise and potential.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Capping Off A (Somewhat) Extraordinary Journey: Extraordinary X-men #20

The following is my review of Extraordinary X-men #20, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For certain eras, there are characters who become symbolic of the conflicts. Sometimes they are the catalyst for the conflict. Sometimes they are the reaction to it. In either case, these characters embody a certain mentality and perspective of a period in time. When the history is written about the post-Secret Wars, pre-Inhumans vs. X-men era of the X-men comics, no one character will be singled out as the sole symbol of the conflict. However, Storm and the time-displaced Jean Grey are likely  in the top five.

When Extraordinary X-men began under Jeff Lemire, Storm went out of her way to identify Jean Grey as the heart of the X-men. That alone says a lot about the state of the X-men, singling out a time-displaced version of a character that has been dead for over a decade. Oddly enough, it's entirely warranted. Jean Grey is very much an embodiment of the X-men's highest ideals, if only because time travel allows her to skip the many eras of setbacks, retcons, and evil clones.

When the story of Extraordinary X-men begins, both Storm and Jean Grey are reluctant, if not downright hostile, to the idea that they're now the greatest hope for the X-men. Jean is a time-displaced teenager. She has enough on her plate as it stands and not just because of acne. Storm is a reluctant leader who ended up in her role because the world believed, thanks to Emma Frost, that Cyclops is the worst thing to happen to the world since poor wi-fi.

Then, as Extraordinary X-men progresses, they both settle into their roles. They confront the challenges that come with being an inspiration for every generation of X-men. Now, in wake of Inhumans vs. X-men, Storm, Jean Grey, and the rest of their teammates faces a whole new challenge and a whole new era for the X-men as a whole.

Extraordinary X-men #20 acts as a bridge between these eras. The Inhumans/X-men war is over. The entire mutant race doesn't need to hide in a demon-infested realm anymore. Naturally, most in X-Haven are eager to leave for a home where killer robots are more likely than demon attacks. For Storm, however, there's a lingering sense of uncertainty that bothers her. Having lived in a demon realm, being bothered by anything is quite an accomplishment.

It's through Storm's point of view that the uncertainty unfolds. It's through a time-displaced Jean Grey that the X-men confront it. In many ways, it's fitting that that these two characters are the ones tasked with tying up the loose ends of Extraordinary X-men. They are still the main catalyst for the story. They bore most of the burdens throughout the series. Lemire acknowledges the extent of those burdens. However, the story itself doesn't do much to give them greater weight.

The primary plot in Extraordinary X-men #20 actually deals with some unresolved aftermath from Inhumans vs. X-men. In a sense, Lemire addresses a practical issues regarding Emma Frost's hidden agenda, which most of the X-men only recently uncovered. In world where magic and time travel are often used to cover plot holes, this is somewhat refreshing.

It also makes use of some lingering side-plots that have fallen to the wayside in Extraordinary X-men, namely those involving Cerebra and No Girl. Again, these are usually the kinds of side-plots that are first to get overlooked. Lemire's efforts to address them give the story an attention to detail that the X-men comics have lacked, due largely to the constant doom and gloom caused by other characters whose movie rights aren't owned by a rival studio.

Between Jean's efforts and Storm's inner musings, the story in Extraordinary X-men #20 helps make this transition from one era of X-men comics to another feel personal. It tries to do more than just shove the X-men into the next extinction-level plot. It tries to step back and take in the situation. In some respects, they don't step back far enough because they end up fighting killer robots. However, compared to demons, Inhumans, and sterilization, it still counts as an improvement of sorts.

It still makes for a very simple, very basic kind of story. The X-men fighting a host of killer robots, be they Sentinels or discarded Sentinel prototypes, is as classic a plot as any extinction story. This one isn't all that memorable or epic, nor does it try to be. However, it's not the kind of battle that is there just to give the X-men something to blow up. There is a purpose do it. It's a minor purpose, but a purpose none-the-less.

The battle in Extraordinary X-men #20 may be somewhat forgettable, but it doesn't change the underlying situation facing the X-men. They don't have to hide in a demon realm anymore. They're not facing imminent extinction anymore. Given how rare these moments are for the X-men these days, it's an important situation to take in. Storm offers the perspective. Jean Grey offers the catalyst. In the grand scheme of things, it uses all the right ingredients, even if there's not enough of them to make a cake.

What makes the outcome of Extraordinary X-men #20 most satisfying is that, while it does attempt to tie up loose ends, it tries to give the series closure without dropping one too many ominous hints about the next extinction plot the X-men will face. Lemire makes a genuine effort to end the series on an upbeat note. For a series that began with off-panel deaths, sterilization, mutant-hunting death squads, that's quite an undertaking.

Taken as a whole, the end of Extraordinary X-men #20 doesn't give the sense of a complete, satisfying journey. Given the exceedingly bleak circumstances of its beginning, it's hard to go from one extreme to another. To go from the brink of extinction to a friendly baseball game is a journey that requires a lot more than 20 issues and a crossover event. Even if details are lacking, the primary spirit of the X-men narrative is still there. The fact that a series like Extraordinary X-men can end in a friendly baseball game is a testament to the strength of that spirit.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

The Truth Hurts (and Astonishes): All-New X-men #18

The following is my review of All-New X-men #18, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The truth is supposed to hurt. The truth is supposed to set us free. Lies are supposed to be cockroaches that run into the cracks of the wall the second a light is exposed. That's the narrative the real world tries to convey, if only to convince children not to lie when they've taken one too many cookies from the cookie jar. It's not an entirely false narrative, but it is incomplete.

Lies can be every bit as harsh as the truth and the X-men comics have been demonstrating this since the conclusion of Secret Wars. So much of the narrative surrounding the X-men and their struggles against the Terrigen Mists is built around certain assumptions that helped give the story weight. Those assumptions included the understanding that Cyclops committed this horrible, heinous atrocity that made mutants more hated than whoever came up with Deadpool's mouthless design in Wolverine Origins.

Both the X-men and the readers share in these assumptions for most of the X-men's narrative after Secret Wars. Then, Death of X comes along and reveals the truth that these assumptions are inaccurate. The so-called crimes committed by Cyclops aren't his crimes. They aren't even his idea. They are an elaborate ruse, one only known to a select few individuals. It's not a conspiracy theory on the same level as Captain America being a Hydra agent, but it still has major implications.

Now, as Inhumans vs. X-men unfolds, this effects of this ruse are getting harder to conceal. All-New X-men #18, which directly ties into the events of Inhumans vs. X-men, sets the stage for undoing this ruse. Dennis Hopeless has a chance to explore the breadth of teen Cyclops' torment, being reviled for what his older self did and stuck in a future where every horrible thing anybody does exists forever on social media. Hopeless doesn't squander that chance and crafts one of the most dramatic issues of All-New X-men since Secret Wars.

It's not just that the truth finally comes out. Teen Cyclops does learn about the elaborate ruse surrounding the events of Death of X. That's actually the simplest part of the story. It's how Hopeless sets it up that gives it so much dramatic weight. The fact that this drama has nothing to do with Jean Grey, clones of Jean Grey, or a Shi'ar sneak attack makes this all the more remarkable.

Most of the story takes place in between the panels of the main Inhumans vs. X-men series. Teen Cyclops is part of the main attack on New Attilan. However, he doesn't contribute too much to this attack. The fact that he's an inexperienced teenager who has yet to become the man who will one day hook up with both Jean Grey and Emma Frost certainly shows. This is actually important to the structure of the story.

Hopeless makes it a point to show just how unpolished this version of Cyclops is. He's not the master tactician who fights Sentinels for breakfast and takes down Apocalypse before brunch. He's still a kid who's struggling with the legacy his older self left behind. That legacy, however skewed it may be, torments him in ways that have guided his story since the conclusion of Secret Wars. To this point, it's a burden he carries and one he thinks he can never escape. This helps make the Death of X spoilers all the more powerful.

It's not one of those reveals that's akin to Morpheus offering a teenage Cyclops the red pill. If anything, the reveal is a byproduct of another plot unfolding between the panels of Inhumans vs. X-men. Specifically, this plot involves Mosaic, the Inhuman who can possess other bodies. This ability is key to balancing the scales of the conflict, which to this point has played out in the X-men's favor. Part of this process involves him possessing teen Cyclops. While it's not entirely clear why this needs to be part of Mosaic's plan, it does have an important impact, even if it's unintended.

Mosaic's actions may very well be critical to advancing the main plot of Inhumans vs. X-men, even if the particulars are unclear, but what he does in All-New X-men #18 may end up having much bigger implications for Cyclops and the rest of the time-displaced X-men. Unintended or not, he helps teen Cyclops uncover the truth about what happened to his older self. More importantly, he finds out who is really behind the burdens, the self-loathing, and the angry flame wars on message boards.

This knowledge threatens the X-men's plans and motivations in Inhumans vs. X-men. Emma Frost is a major driving force in these plans and only a select few know of her role in Death of X. Now teenage Cyclops knows and is in a position to react with a level of extreme melodrama that only a teenager can appreciate. It doesn't just create a major turning point in teen Cyclops' overall narrative. It may very well change the entire outlook that he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have on navigating the future.

This dramatic shift is the biggest selling point of All-New X-men #18. Hopeless doesn't get too bogged down in the various nuances of the Inhumans vs. X-men conflict and, given the various flaws surrounding this conflict, this helps keep the story concise. However, some of those flaws do manifest at times. The whole concept of Cyclops being a war criminal for attacking a cloud still feels exceedingly contrived. It makes some of teen Cyclops' various musings seem forced, even by the lofty standards of teenage melodrama.

It leads to some parts being choppy and chaotic, but it doesn't take away from the impact of the main plot in All-New X-men #18. Mark Bagley's colorful renderings of the various moments helps to move things along as well. Whatever flaws there may be in the over-arching narrative of Inhumans vs. X-men, it doesn't undermine the big reveal that gives this issue so much weight.

It's not just another tie-in where a teenage character mopes and whines at being so overwhelmed. This story digs deeper, achieving an impact that goes beyond an ongoing crossover. For a tie-in that focuses on an anxious teenager, that's quite an accomplishment.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Xtreme Satifaction From A Most Xtreme Era: X-men 92 #10

The following is my review of X-men 92 #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every era has distinct spirit and style that defines it. Just as the Beatles define the 1960s and disco music defined the late 1970s, the edgy grit of the X-men helped define the 1990s. Along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and the OJ Simpson trial, the X-men embody an era where differences and extremes shoved their way into the mainstream. Mutants, being an over-arching metaphor for minorities, set the tone for this era and ran with it full-speed.

That time now seems so long ago as a new era driven by movie rights and the rival companies that fight over them takes hold. While the X-men still have a place in this era, it is nowhere near the prominence they enjoyed in the 1990s where toys, trading cards, and Pizza Hut promotions embraced all things X-men. X-men 92 doesn't come with those same promotions and it's not just because Pizza Hut has scaled back their marketing efforts. Even without those promotions, X-men 92 still carries with it that same spirit and style.

X-men 92 is series that simply cannot fit into an era where a talking raccoon with a machine gun generates the same interest as Wolverine. In another decade, it could be the gold standard for an entire franchise. Instead, it can only manage a short 10-issue series that capitalizes on the nostalgia and style of a bygone era. This doesn't give Chad Bowers and Chris Sims much to work with, but that doesn't stopped them from making every issue of X-men 92 count.

With X-men 92 #10, the limited narrative they've crafted reaches its premature conclusion. In many respects, its too premature to generate the same impact, even to those passionate X-men fans that cling desperately to the glory days of the mid-1990s. Despite these limits, Bowers and Sims still find a way to make X-men 92 #10 conclude in a way that feels epic, compelling, and dramatic to an extent that works beautifully in any era.

What begins in the Secret Wars tie-in culminates in this issue. It's not an overly elaborate plot. It doesn't have the same twists, turns, clones, retcons, and superhero civil wars that every plot after 2004 seems to mimic. That's not to say it's an overly simple plot either. It's not just the X-men fighting a killer robot. It's not just Wolverine snarling every other panel. There's a certain level of depth and drama that help heighten the emotions. For a series that draws from the fond memories of a cartoon that ended in 1997, that's quite an accomplishment.

The primary conflict, which has been building since the series began, involves a threat so big that even Apocalypse dreads it. It's the kind of extreme, over-the-top threat that emerged every other week in the '90s X-men comics. It's not too contrived either, building off the X-men's history with the Celestials. These space god robots definitely qualify as extreme and over-the-top, making them the perfect threat for this brand of X-men to face.

Beyond the threat, Bowers and Sims do what they can to resolve the outstanding plots that unfolded throughout the series. Given the tragically limited breadth of this series, this isn't too difficult. They resolve the side-plot with Cyclops and Jean Grey. They build off what they established with Dead Girl during the first major arc of the series. They take the time and effort to incorporate every one of these elements into the final resolution. That kind of impact reflects a genuine effort that isn't always obvious in a comic, be it a limited mini-series or a full-blown crossover event.

X-men fans from both the '90s and every other era will appreciate such efforts. They make for beautiful moments, some of which could easily fit right into the famous '90s cartoon. Moments like Cyclops and Jean Grey confronting Cable or Gambit finally sharing a moment with Rogue will warm the hearts of anyone who made watching that cartoon part of their Saturday morning. It's presented in a way that even those who never watched that cartoon can appreciate.

As nice as these moments are, they still only deliver a fraction of the dramatic weight that X-men 92 #10 delivers. Bowers and Sims really swing for the fences in resolving the Celestial conflict, taking Charles Xavier's dream and raising the stakes to a level that can only ever work in the final issue of a series. It goes beyond merely fostering peace between humans and mutants. More than anything else, it reveals the most important tenant of this dream and why it sets the X-men apart from their enemies, human and mutant alike.

For men like Charles Xavier, peace and understanding cannot be forced. It cannot be coerced, imposed, or telepathically forged. It has to be chosen and embraced. This is something that the Magnetoes, the Apocalypses, and the Sinisters of the world refuse to acknowledge. They don't trust ordinary humans to choose such a path. Charles Xavier has faith in humanity that they will make this choice when given a chance. That faith is ultimately rewarded in X-men 92 #10.

This reward still comes at a price, but one that is both fitting and satisfying. Bowers and Sims set it up in a way that feels right. It gives the impression that this is how Charles Xavier's dream must be realized. This is how that dream takes form and substance in the context of the X-men's overall narrative. It doesn't need to be tragic, but it doesn't need to be as fanciful as a Disney movie either. At a time when it's easy to be extremely cynical about human nature, the culmination in X-men 92 #10 offers a wonderfully refreshing perspective.

Even with a series that had so little time to grow and ends so abruptly, X-men 92 #10 manages to accomplish so much in such a short span of time. Given the scope and scale of the narrative, it's impossible to resolve every element without making a triple-sized issue, complete with bonus pages. Chad Bowers and Chris Sims still succeed in completing the X-men's narrative. Whether it's a cartoon from the mid-90s or a limited comic book series from 2016, it's still extremely satisfying. For X-men fans of all eras, especially the extremes of the '90s, it's astonishingly fitting.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Incomplete Moments With Shallow Revelations: Death of X #4

The following is my review of Death of X #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

If a fight is rigged and rigged well, then it's usually hard to tell which side has the advantage. Those fights can be quite entertaining, as the success of WWE wrestling routinely demonstrates.  When the rigging is too obvious though, the entertainment value suffers. It's just not very fun or interesting when it's easy to tell who is getting an extra shot of Hulk blood on the side.

This is the biggest flaw in the Death of X narrative. It isn't a passionate disagreement between Iron Man and Captain America over methods for administering justice. It's a cage match between one side that has the unconditional backing of Disney's lawyers and another that remains under the boot of a rival company. The X-men and the Inhumans are not on a level playing field and haven't been since Marvel Studios began churning out billion-dollar blockbusters on a regular basis.

This means there's little to no suspense in the outcome of Death of X #4. It's a foregone conclusion that the X-men will lose, the Inhumans will come out on top, and the lawyers negotiating movie rights will keep getting billed by the hour. It gives Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire a poor foundation to build on, but it's a foundation that can still fill in some unresolved issues. They just have to build carefully because they don't want to give the X-men more reasons to resort to clones and time travel.

There's a genuine effort to extract every ounce of drama from this final issue, but there's not much worth extracting here. There's a distinct absence of detail and polish to the overall story. It does not complete the narrative that began in the first issue, nor does it fill in the blanks left by the various X-men titles that spun out of Secret Wars. There is some intrigue. There are some heated, passionate moments. It doesn't fall flat, but it does feel distinctly incomplete.

If there is a defining moment in Death of X #4, it manifests during the confrontation between Cyclops and the Inhumans royal family. This moment feels very much like a trailer of sorts, complete with ominous warnings and angry pleas. The trailer may lack the star power of Hugh Jackman or Sir Patrick Stewart, but it effectively ensures that there will be a war between the Inhumans and the X-men. It's not just inevitable at this point. It's overdue.

While this moment is vital in giving Death of X #4 the necessary impact, it's pretty much the only moment that's memorable or impactful in any way. Every other moment throughout the narrative is either lacking in substance or devoid of style. There's little else in terms of drama. None of that drama feels like an emotional gut punch either. For a comic where a major character dies, that's pretty telling.

It's also the most frustrating aspect about Death of X #4 and the X-men comics as a whole since Secret Wars. The lack of drama and the lack of details ensures this story adds little context to the overall narrative surrounding the X-men. Much of that narrative is crafted around this idea that Cyclops did something so horrific and so despicable that it would make James Marsden violently ill if someone said it out loud. That idea, however, becomes exceedingly complicated here.

It's not just because Soule and Lemire try to throw in a twist at the end that effectively ensures that Cyclops can die with some credibility intact. It's also because the sequence of events that unfold throughout Death of X do little to warrant such an idea. There's no overt atrocity here. Cyclops doesn't suddenly become Thanos, Victor Von Doom, or whoever canceled the last X-men cartoon. He does what he and the X-men always do and tries to protect innocent mutants.

Now this does draw the ire of the Inhuman royal family for reasons that are understandable, albeit petty. However, it's worth emphasizing here that what Cyclops does, be it overt or indirect, can't qualify as an atrocity. He doesn't kill anyone. He doesn't destroy anything. He doesn't even make a joke about Medusa's hair. There really is nothing here that warrants the hatred and disdain that is so prominent in the current X-men comics.

If there are any unforeseen consequences to Cyclops' actions, they aren't revealed. They aren't even hinted at. What Cyclops does simply prevents a cloud of Terrigen Mist from descending upon a populated area and killing every innocent mutant in its path. No human or Inhuman dies as a result. In fact, only one other person dies and that person dies willingly in a heroic sacrifice that the Inhuman royal family tried to prevent.

In terms of a balanced, albeit rigged, conflict, the entertainment value really suffers here. Death of X does little to create even the illusion of balance between mutants and Inhumans. If anything, it only shows that the Inhuman royal family is disturbingly comfortable letting an entire minority suffer horribly so their race can propagate. While Cyclops did make clear to them that he was just as comfortable letting the Inhumans stagnate, there's little effort to have a passionate, balanced discussion.

In terms of the bigger picture surrounding the X-men/Inhuman conflict, Death of X #4 has too many blanks to fill and not nearly enough ink to make a concerted effort. It does what it can, but not much else. There is a sense of rhythm and flow to the narrative. It never becomes too chaotic and it avoids completely denigrating certain characters, although there will likely be a certain segment of fans that will passionately disagree on message boards. There is a sense that this story is part of a much larger narrative that has yet to unfold.

Death of X #4 doesn't read like the end of an event so it's not going to check every box before the final page. While it manages to be coherent and revealing in some respects, it still comes off as woefully incomplete. If it were a school project, it couldn't be adequately graded because it doesn't present a finished product. This may be okay for a movie trailer, but for a complete story that kills off one of the most iconic X-men in history, it's not even close to being enough.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Death of X #4: Nuff Said!

Well, it's here. The (unofficial) final review of nuff said. I've been looking at it the same way a cow looks at an oncoming train. I know it's coming. I know it's close. I'm just too bloated with hormones, illegal chemicals, and fatty foods to give enough shits. I want to say it's fitting that a series called Death of X is the final review for nuff said. However, with a title like Death of X, it's only fitting in the same way that a colonoscopy is a fitting way to end taco eating contest.

This is it. This is where we find out what the fuck Cyclops did that made him more hated than Chuck Austin, Brett Ratner, and the assholes that canceled Wolverine and the X-men after just one season. We know he's trying to stop the big green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners refuse to do jack shit about. We know he's trying to save his species from extinction and sterilization yet again after having already gone through that shit before. At this point, who can blame him for losing his fucking mind and going evil?

It's still a big fucking blank to fill into just one issue. Death of X #4 has a fuckton of questions to answer if the events of Extraordinary X-men, Uncanny X-men, and All-New X-men are to make half a piece of dog shit worth of sense. I'm skeptical that it can do this in a way that won't piss off X-men fans, Cyclops fans, and fans of anything that actually makes sense. This being my last review for nuff said, I'll either have to be extra drunk or extra sober to get through it.

I get the feeling that Storm could use a few shots of bourbon on her end because she now has to contend with a determined and pissed off Magneto. She, and everyone else in the entire fucking Marvel universe, should know by now that he's not a fan of genocide by toxic gas. That shit is kind of a sensitive issue for him. Even those on the alt-right wouldn't push his buttons when there's a big green mutant-killing cloud on the loose.

He effectively ends the little spat between the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in Madrid. He doesn't kill or maim anyone, which for Magneto requires a level of self-restraint that would allow a guy like me to walk through a whiskey distillery and come out sober. Crystal and her genocide-enabling people better fucking count their blessings. The fact they have intact assholes in this situation should make them want to go out and buy an extra lotto ticket.

With Crystal's crew of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners neutralized, Cyclops and his team go to work stopping the big green cloud of death that's going to maim countless innocent mutants. Yet somehow, he's going to become the monster? No, it still doesn't make sense and spoiler alert, it's not going to no matter how much weed you smoke. If you have some though, fill your bong because you're going to need it.

Cyclops' plan doesn't involve genocide, bloodshed, or anything that may make Wolverine horny. It involves using Alchemy, the nerdy D-list mutant he recruited in the last issue, to turn the big green fart cloud into something that won't horribly maim innocent mutants. For some reason, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't like the idea of their big green fart cloud NOT killing innocent mutants so they shoot him right out of the sky before he can read the cloud. Yes, a team of super-powered racist, xenophobic, slave-owners is pro-genocide and Marvel wants to give them a fucking TV show. Even the most bigoted neo-Nazi skin-head would be paralyzed by the WTF on display here.

However, an attack by a group of racist, xenophobic slave-owners who are okay with the idea of gassing an entire minority to death has never stopped the X-men before. Cyclops manages to find Alchemy, who now has a broken arm and no whiskey to dull the pain. He then gives him the kind of pep talk that would make high school football coaches envious, which helps Alchemy's balls grow ten times bigger so he can get another shot at giving a big middle finger to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. If I were a woman, I'd have jumped Alchemy's bone on the spot.

The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are decidedly less horny. They somehow think in their racist, xenophobic, slave-owning minds that they've won. They've saved their big green fart cloud of mutant-killing death. They're fucking wrong. With Sunfire's help, Alchemy gets another shot. I assume he gave them all the finger somewhere along the way.

With help from Magik and the Stepford Cuckoos, the royal family of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners remains distracted. They can't take Alchemy down this time. Instead, he makes it into the big green fart cloud and uses his powers to turn it into a big red fart cloud, but it's a cloud that doesn't kill or maim anyone. To the rest of the non-racist, xenophobic, slave-owning population of the planet, that's a good thing. To the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, it may as well be one big kick in the dick. Now I'd definitely jump Alchemy's bone, even if I'm not a woman.

Unfortunately, Alchemy isn't very bonable after this stunt. After turning the big green fart cloud into a harmless red fart cloud, he returns just in time to find out he's now dying of M-pox. That means he sacrificed himself to stop a big cloud of mutant-killing death. That's objectively awesome on every level. Again, this a D-list X-men character who hasn't been relevant since the Regan administration and he just gave the finger to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

This issue is to Alchemy what the Dark Phoenix Saga is to Jean Grey. He sacrifices himself to save countless innocents. Alchemy, you are a true hero. May the next life be filled with endless pools of whiskey and endless hordes of naked Emma Frost clones. You've earned it.

It's a true hero's end for Alchemy. For Cyclops, however, it's not so noble, but it's every bit as heroic. He calls out the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners and the royal family responds. They're still shocked and appalled that someone would stop their big green fart cloud from maiming innocent mutants. I guess genocide and the suffering of minorities is important to the culture of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Even the most ardent Bernie Sanders supporter would call bullshit on this and so does Cyclops.

The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners do and say nothing to justify their bullshit. They still act all appalled and offended that someone would dare to stop their big green fart cloud from killing innocent mutants. Cyclops boldly confronts them, flexes his nuts, presumably makes the red-headed Medusa extremely horny, and tells the royal family to fuck off. He makes clear that he's going to keep fighting these big green fart clouds of mutant-killing mayhem and if they don't like it, then they and their shitty movie rights can just go fuck themselves.

Naturally, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' first instinct is to just kill him. Yes, that's how Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners solve problems. They kill those who want to stop an ongoing genocide. Hell, even racist skin-heads have the decency to just beat the shit out of minorities and say shitty things on message boards. For the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, they don't even try to see things from Cyclops' side. They just let Black Bolt kill Cyclops so their big green fart clouds can continue maiming mutants.

Cyclops doesn't do anything to fight back. He just lets it happen. He doesn't really need to do anything. He claims that he's not just a leader now. He's an idea. He's an idea that inspires mutants and makes beautiful telepathic women horny. That idea can't die, no matter how much Black Bolt whines about it. It's one last epic middle finger that should make all the telpepaths, blondes, and redheads both proud and horny. It may be a somewhat inglorious way for Cyclops to die, but he dies giving the finger to Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. That means he dies with a hell of a boner.

A week later, the shit storm is settled. The big green mutant-killing fart clouds are still out there and the X-men bury their leader. There's a small ceremony on Muir Island. They even have the decency to give Cyclops a gravestone. Nobody spits on that gravestone though. Nobody shows any of the vehement Cyclops hatred we've seen in the post-Secret Wars X-men comics. It's almost like Cyclops didn't do anything that shitty. He just tried to destroy a mutant-killing gas cloud. So how the fuck is he now the most hated mutant that didn't appear in the Wolverine Origins movie?

That's not just a drunken remark. That's an honest fucking question and it's a question that doesn't get answered. That's a big fucking deal too because that means all this Cyclops-hatred that fueled so many shit storms still makes no fucking sense. It also means that everybody just agreed to let the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners keep their mutant-killing gas cloud. They're all suddenly okay with mutant genocide and yet Cyclops is the asshole? Seriously, what the everloving fuck?

Still confused? Well sit back and tuck your nuts in people because it's about to get even more fucked up. Remember all the nut-flexing and bravado that Cyclops had been demonstrating for the past few issues? Well, it turns out that Cyclops isn't the one doing the flexing. In fact, he was never even in a position to. Instead, that shit was all an illusion. I'm not talking about a David Blain/David Copperfield type of illusion that makes people pay several hundred bucks for a glorified stage show. I'm talking about a real actual mass delusion the likes of which would give British tabloids multiple orgasms.

Emma Frost, right after Cyclops' funeral no less, meets up with Havok, who was apparently too busy to participate in stopping mutant genocide. She reveals that Cyclops did pretty much none of the shit that has transpired in this series. He actually died in the first issue the second he entered Muir Island. There was no epic sacrifice. There was no final message from Jean Grey. He just took a whiff of the big Inhuman fart cloud and died. That's it. It's as inglorious and unfitting as it sounds.

Naturally, Emma Frost had a big fucking problem with this. She let this man see her naked without paying, damn it. He deserves better than that. So with the help of the Stepford Cuckoos, she projected a psychic image of Cyclops and that image is the one that did all the crazy shit that everyone in the world hates him for, even though there's no fucking reason given for that hatred. Even if there was, it still wouldn't be warranted because Cyclops still didn't do anything. He just went to Muir Island looking to help mutants and died, all because the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners didn't know their big fucking fart cloud maimed innocent mutants.

It's a big fucking blow to Emma Frost. Even though they broke up, she still makes clear that she cares about Cyclops more than she does most men who see her naked. The idea that an ex-lover of her's dies and it has nothing to do with her being pissed off and vindictive really fucks with her. She knows better than most that Cyclops is the only X-man with the balls to lead mutants against pro-genocide racist xenophobic slave-owners. Hell, she's probably licked them so she knows their power. Now, he's dead and she has to have the biggest balls in the X-men from now on. I guess she accepts that challenge.

It still makes for an unsatisfying, callous end for Cyclops. He doesn't die fighting to save his people. He dies because of some big green fart cloud. It's the kind of end that seriously fucks with Emma Frost's head because now she's intent on carrying on this idea she's created. She makes clear that without Cyclops, someone needs to have the balls to take on the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners and their big green fart cloud. It might as well be her. She knows how to bust balls. Now, she gets to flex them. In that sense, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are truly fucked in the long run. It's one thing to kill Cyclops and protect mutant-killing fart clouds. It's quite another to piss off Emma Frost.

So...is it awesome?

Short answer? Not really. Shorter answer. Not fucking close. Is it terrible? Well, that actually requires a longer answer because I can't just spit out my whiskey and say fuck yes. Even at my most drunk, that wouldn't recognize the full context of the story here. I can't say Death of X #4 is fucking awful because it isn't. It doesn't horribly butcher Cyclops' character like it promised. Hell, it makes him a victim of shitty luck, which is kind of appropriate for the guy who was lucky enough to see Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked in his lifetime.

Even if Cyclops doesn't go down in history as the worst thing to happen to the X-men since Chuck Austin and Brett Ratner, Death of X #4 is still an incomplete issue at best. It does set the stage for a future clash between the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It even raises the personal stakes of that clash. It just doesn't fill in enough blanks in a satisfying way. Like a porn star using a dildo that's too small and doesn't vibrate, it just doesn't get the job done.

It doesn't shit all over the job and light it on fire either. These days, that's the best the X-men can hope for. Death of X #4's biggest shortcoming is that it doesn't give a damn good reason for why Cyclops is so hated. He didn't kill anybody. He did cause panic, but he didn't kill anyone. Hell, he wasn't even in a position to kill anyone. None of his fellow X-men came out and spit on his grave. Nobody was so disgusted by what he did that they wanted to vomit violently into the nearest trash can. All he did was turn a big green fart cloud into this creepy red mist. The worst he did was make it too easy to film a shitty horror movie.

Death of X #4 isn't going to traumatize X-men fans, but it's not going to get anyone's heart racing like the death of Jean Grey, the death of Charles Xavier, or the realization that X3 is officially retconned now. It is going to confuse the fuck out of many of them. It's also going to annoy the fuck out of Emma Frost fans and make the Cyclops-hating shit show that emerged after Secret Wars all the more confusing. Then again, if that's the worst that X-men fans have to endure these days, then that in and of itself is a win.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

PS: I really wish I could make my last profanity-laced, drunken rant of a review more uplifting. At the very least, it's not overly depressing, but I still feel like this is a good way to cap this off. I've enjoyed writing these reviews and I hope you've all enjoyed reading them, hopefully while both drunk and sober. Thanks again to everybody who supported my drunken ramblings. From the bottom of my failing heart, I thank you. Nuff said!

Death of X #3: Nuff Said!

I'm of the firm belief that anyone is capable of becoming a total asshole. I don't care if you're a pacifist nun who nurses sick animals back to health. Get stuck in traffic for three hours, get overcharged by your cable company, or get the wrong order from Starbucks and your inner asshole is going to emerge. You may not be the kind of asshole that takes a baseball bat to a window, but you'll still show you have it in you.

Cyclops has been an asshole at many stages of his life. Nobody is really shocked by that shit anymore. They haven't been since he got shit for marrying a clone. However, the key to being a true asshole is to take it out on those who don't deserve your assholery. In that sense, it's debatable how much of an asshole Cyclops is in Death of X because he's taking it out on the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. These are a team of unapologetic assholes who never did shit for anyone until it became too much of an inconvenience, but thanks to movie rights bullshit, they're treated as though their shit doesn't stink.

I say all of this because Marvel is making a concerted effort to turn Cyclops into the ultimate asshole. That shouldn't be too hard because he's been an asshole before, but against the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, Marvel is really pissing into the wind. They start going for broke in Death of X #3 and let's just say I'm not standing downwind of them in anticipation.

Just as in the last two issues, you can really tell which group has their movie rights with Marvel and which has their rights held hostage by a bunch of crack-addicted Fox lawyers. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners decided it's too damn inconvenient to just go to Madrid, work with the X-men in containing the riots that Cyclops helped trigger, and do actual hero work. Instead, they used the powers of their newest recruits to knock every single mutant and human out cold in Madrid. On top of that, they did it with a goddamn smile as though they just brought a sick puppy back to life.

Crystal and her team of fellow Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners stand over a messy, decimated city full of unconscious people and smiles. She and her buddies just shrug this shit off, thinking they just succeeded because they didn't have to unnecessarily inconvenience themselves. This is what passes as heroic for these guys. Never mind that they knocked all these people out without asking and didn't even warn the X-men, who were actually trying to get their hands dirty in saving lives. You know, like actual heroes.

I guess that concept is retarded Latin for them. Instead of actually getting their asses in gear, looking to mitigate the damage they caused by knocking everyone unconscious, they focus more on giving their new recruit a fucking code-name. Seriously, that's a higher priority for the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in this situation. Even so, we're still supposed to think these asshats are the heroes. I don't think there's enough whiskey or weed to make sense of that.

If nothing else, it continues the same theme that Death of X #1 established. It's basically an unspoken rule that the shit of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners doesn't stink. In fact, they don't even fart. They cough breath mints and spit imported vodka. Nothing they do is bad, but nothing they do is all that heroic either. Never-the-less, the X-men are supposed to work with them to fix this problem. I may be a drunk, but even I know when some relationships are just doomed to fail.

Storm and her team of X-men can keep trusting that a team of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners will go out of their way to help a vulnerable minority. Hell, she can trust that Lindsey Lohan won't fail another drug test. That still does mutants a disservice. Emma Frost understands this. That's why she's trying a different approach. That approach probably doesn't require her to be damn sexy every step of the way, but that's never stopped her before.

She and Cyclops are already hatching a plan and she's even recruiting Magneto to help them. It's not a complicated plan. It just involves Magneto keeping the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in Madrid so they can do what they need to do. Given Magneto's history with other groups that have a legacy of racism, xenophobia, and genocide, it's safe to say he'll be plenty motivated. Emma doesn't even need to flash him her tits.

Another part of this elaborate plan involves the Stepford Cuckoos recruiting the services of another mutant. This takes them to England, home of Dr. Who, James Bond, and countless James Bond rip-offs. There, they meet up with Thomas Jones, also known as Alchemy. He's a mutant. He's not the kind of mutant who jumps at the chance to wear skin-tight spandex uniforms, but he's in a position to help. He also doesn't need to have to be knocked out or psychically manipulated to help a situation. That alone makes him more likable than every Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners not named Kamala Khan.

As this plan goes into motion, the rest of the X-men in Madrid wake up and realize that there may be some risks to working with Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who don't like being inconvenienced. Considering they got knocked out in a city that's supposed to be ground zero for a big green mutant-killing fart cloud, that's bound to make some of them anxious. Storm certainly understands that. Having been the one to reach out to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, I imagine she's a little pissed, especially when Iceman points out that everybody got knocked out except Crystal and her Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner buddies.

If we didn't already know how badly this shit would play out for the X-men and the entire mutant race, this scene might have had more impact. Sadly, we do know how it plays out. We do know that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners come out of this smelling like Jennifer Lawrence's panties while the X-men come out smelling like Johnny Depp's last three movies. It does at least sew the seeds of doubt in the heads of the X-men that maybe the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners aren't going to do shit to help them when their species is going extinct. They may not know this now, but it does set them up to learn the hard way down the line.

After wasting plenty of time fawning over the code name of their newest recruit, Crystal and her fellow Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners finally feel inclined to get their asses in gear and help out all the people they knocked out without permission. Storm and her team of X-men decide to confront them first, if only to point out that what they did was an omega level dick move.

Crystal acts as though it's not a big deal. They knock out a bunch of innocent people and accomplished heroes without permission. She treats it like she just overcharged them for a burrito at Taco Bell. Apparently, Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't understand that knocking out innocent people is a bad thing. Does it really take a lecture from Captain America to teach these assholes what constitutes a dick move?

Naturally, things get more tense than one of Tom Cruise's divorce settlements. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, still averse to being inconvenienced in any way, decide the best way to deal with the X-men is to knock them out again. If anyone still has any sympathy for the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, then I can't help you and neither can my weed dealer. Just stick to watching reruns of Duck Dynasty.

This time, however, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't get to do things the easy way. This comes courtesy of Magik, who drops by and snatches up the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner who knocked everybody out. This confuses both sides, but at least it makes things more balanced. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners probably aren't used to that shit so that's fitting. It says a lot about them that a demon-loving teenage girl is more likable than they are. She makes this conflict feel balanced for once, which can't sit well with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's the first time where they can't carry themselves like their shit doesn't stink.

The situation gets unbalanced again, but this time in the X-men's favor. Seeing as how they got knocked out against their will when they went out of their way to work with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, I'd say this makes them even. However, this imbalance comes courtesy of Magneto so we have to grade this situation on a curve.

He comes packing plenty of Magneto-level heat. He also brings backup like Colossus, Wolfsbane, Rockslide, and Warpath. These are X-men who can do way more than just inconvenience the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. He makes clear that they're not going to do shit at this point. They just proved that they like to solve problems by knocking people out and treating it as though they just cured a sick baby. He even keeps Storm's team from interfering because they already lost their credibility by thinking they could trust the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's often hard to take Magneto's side when he's got a rage boner, but in this case, I don't even need to be high to sympathize with him.

With the rest of the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners restrained, Cyclops and his people put their plan into motion. They arrive outside of Madrid, staring down a massive green fart cloud that's on its way to maim innocent mutants while strengthening Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's the kind of sight that would make a lawyer at Disney squee with joy, but for mutants, it's the kind of pants-shitting terror that hasn't been seen since Brett Ratner.

Before it hits, Cyclops has a word with Alchemy. In doing so, he actually sounds like the Cyclops we know and love from the past several years. He doesn't come off as someone whose about to commit the worst atrocity since Joel Shumacher. He comes off as someone who just wants to save his people. He doesn't even force Alchemy to help them. That alone makes him much more credible than the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, who jump at the chance to knock innocent people out cold when the situation becomes too hard.

It still feels hallow though. We know how this is going to end. We know Cyclops is still going to become the most hated person in Marvel comics who isn't a secret Hydra agent. At the very least, we're getting one last glimpse into who Cyclops is. He's not out to commit atrocities. He's out to save his people. If that's going to make him a monster, then so be it. He'll still be more likable than any Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner not named Kamala Khan.

So...is it awesome?

The story is coherent. Things move forward, tensions rise, and nobody is more an asshole than they need to be. Given that the bar is so damn low with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, that's probably the best we can hope for these days. At the very least, the rest of the X-men start to recognize that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners can be assholes who will only ever do what is least inconvenient to them, even if it means knocking people out against their will.

If Death of X #3 accomplishes anything, it lays the foundation for future conflicts, namely Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners vs. X-men. It also provides a greater hint for what sort of horrifically evil shit Cyclops will end up doing that makes him so hated. It's still overly vague, but at the very lease, his motivations are the same as they've always been. He wants to save the mutant race from yet another extinction. After the last one killed Charles Xavier, his reputation, and his relationship with Emma Frost, I'm pretty sure he's extremely motivated to avoid another shit storm like that.

There are still a lot of problems with the setup, characterization, and context of this story. We know how it ends. We know mutants get an omega-level screw job thanks to Cyclops. Death of X has a chance to provide context to it all. For now, all it's doing is showing that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners can be assholes and nobody gives a shit. That, more than anything, sums up the current state of the X-men.

It's like watching a football game where you know the Patriots are cheating, but nobody does shit about it. Even Roger Goodell would see the issues with this setup and you wouldn't have to bribe him. This makes for a hallow story, but at least Death of X #3 tries to be more coherent and balanced than previous issues. It still fails, but it doesn't fail miserably and that's as close to a win as the X-men can get these days.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

The Problem With Inhumans vs. X-men (via ComicsVerse)

The following is an article I wrote for ComicsVerse. Just thought I'd share it here. Enjoy!

Did you hear? Marvel is pitching another hero-versus-hero event for this winter. Again.

We shouldn’t be too surprised. Ever since 2005, when the first CIVIL WAR sold like tacos at a Deadpool convention, this has been the go-to story for big Marvel events. It’s not enough to see Captain America punch the Red Skull in the jaw anymore. We need to see him knock Tony Stark’s teeth out. It may be overplayed, but it sells and we can’t blame Marvel for giving the people what they want.

There’s just one big problem with this upcoming event: It involves the X-Men and the Inhumans. On paper, this looks like a diet version of AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, but people still drink Diet Coke and tolerate the taste. If it can pit another couple of superhero teams together and get the message boards going, then why wouldn’t it be a good idea? It’s working with CIVIL WAR II. So, what’s the problem?

To illustrate this issue, here’s a little thought experiment. Go back and watch the first BACK TO THE FUTURE movie. Specifically, watch the scene in the diner where Marty McFly has to fight off Biff Tanner. Now, imagine for a second that Biff Tanner is given a shot of steroids, a fully-loaded AK-47, and an unlimited supply of crystal meth. That should give you a good idea of the problem with an X-Men vs. Inhumans conflict.

To their credit, Marvel is making a concerted effort to set up this clash. Since the nebulous eight-month gap that followed SECRET WARS and the excessive flexibility it allows, they’ve set up a status quo where mutants have been sterilized yet again after having just solved their last sterilization plot three years ago. This time, they have the Inhumans to thank for this. It turns out that the big green cloud that turns people into Inhumans also poisons mutants.

For some reason, Cyclops has a problem with this. Given how the solution to the last sterilization crisis landed him in jail, who can blame him? Naturally, he fights the Inhumans in an off-panel conflict and somehow screws up so badly that mutants are more hated than head lice, cockroaches, and the IRS combined.

The Inhumans, on the other hand, are celebrated and subject to zero Sentinel attacks, despite having their base near a heavily populated area. By all accounts, the X-Men have a long list of reasons to go to war with the Inhumans. At the top of the list: the fact that their sacred cloud is roaming the Earth, killing and sterilizing mutants everywhere, and they aren’t doing much about it. The only surprise is that it took this long for Marvel to make an event of it.

Despite these efforts, the problem remains. There’s a fundamental difference between mutants and Inhumans from a conceptual standpoint. Those differences make it impossible, if not downright asinine, for this to be a balanced conflict. It goes back to what mutants stand for. They are, and always have been, a metaphor for minority struggles. They came about in the early 1960s, just as the Civil Rights Movement was taking hold in America. They embody the traits of the marginalized, the denigrated, and the persecuted.

That’s still a powerful message today. There are outgroups and outcasts in every era. They didn’t ask to be born in their current condition. This is just the hand they were dealt. In the same way that we can’t change the color of our skin or the gender we’re attracted to, mutants and minorities like them can’t change what they are.

Compare that to the Inhumans. They are, by their own admission, not a product of nature or evolution. They’re a product of alien science experiments. That alone doesn’t set them apart too much. However, like the disclaimer in every pharmaceutical ad, it’s the fine print that makes the details so frustrating. From a mutant perspective, and a minority perspective for that matter, these details are an affront to the struggles they endure.

It’s not enough for someone to be born with Inhuman DNA. In order for them to become what they are, they have to be exposed to a very specific catalyst. In this case, it’s the Terrigen Mists. This isn’t some unseen, unpredictable force. It’s big green cloud. It’s tangible, it’s predictable, and it sweeps through an area like fog. It does nothing other than activate latent Inhumans. It’s a convenient, if not crass, way to gain superpowers. It also makes the theme of the Inhumans the complete antithesis of mutants.

As I previously stated, mutants are a metaphor for minorities. They are born this way. Just being alive is what makes them mutants. With the Inhumans, it takes an outside force to make them what they are. As a real-world parallel, that’s like saying that it takes a specific form of trauma to make somebody gay or it takes a specific kind of mental illness to make someone transgender. These are the arguments that anti-gay protesters have been using for decades. The Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world say that nobody is born this way. They say these people have a disease that must be cured.

A mutant doesn’t have control over how and when their powers manifest. For most of them, it just means surviving until puberty. An Inhuman, on the other hand, does have some level of control. Even if they don’t know whether they carry Inhuman DNA, they can just avoid the Terrigen Mists and not take a chance. This ensures they never manifest any Inhuman powers. If a parent doesn’t want their child to become an Inhuman, they can just hide them or take them to a place where the Terrigen Mists can’t get them. The parents of mutant children don’t have that luxury. It’s completely antithetical to what it means to be a minority. It’s not something that can be avoided.

The Inhumans, as a concept, are an affront to the themes of the X-Men. Despite their differences, though, the two teams could still share certain struggles. Their powers and their ability to control them makes them different. There’s still some chance that they can relate on some levels. Unfortunately, that chance passed them by long ago.

Whereas mutants emerged all over the world within various parts of human society, the Inhumans remained completely isolated and cut off from the world for most of their history. Not only that, but they govern themselves in a manner that has one too many similarities with Game of Thrones and North Korea.

The Inhumans are not run like the Xavier Institute, where there’s a mentor who simply offers others a chance to learn and grow in a safe environment. They operate in a rigid caste system the likes of which would give Mahatma Ghandi a heart attack. There’s a royal family whose power is absolute. There’s an entire population of slaves in the Alpha Primitives. Those that aren’t slaves are still isolated from the rest of the world, immersed in a kingdom whose traditions include an inherent mistrust of outsiders and a xenophobia that Ann Coulter would find extreme.

These are the X-Men’s foes: a group of super-powered, racist, xenophobic slave owners who didn’t bother doing anything for anyone until they couldn’t stay hidden anymore. It wasn’t until the events of Infinity War that the Inhumans actually made an effort to contribute to the world. Say what you will about the X-Men and their inability to foster peace with humanity. At least they actively tried to integrate with the human race. They tried to make meaningful contributions to civilization. The Inhumans never did squat until they didn’t have the luxury of staying hidden anymore.

Despite this, the Marvel Universe accepts the Inhumans as heroes. They still carry themselves as heroes. They’re still celebrated as heroes. Wannabe villains still send killer robots to attack mutant schools, but a society of racist xenophobic slave-owners? They somehow get a pass.

The very foundations of these two teams are at odds with one another. Part of what makes superhero clashes like CIVIL WAR work is that both sides have valid points. It’s possible to argue the merits of either side. It’s a little bit harder to argue the merits of a side whose traditions include racism, xenophobia, and slavery. They have to fight the X-Men, who do have a long history of helping other superhero teams and saving the world, even when it’s not convenient.

It simply can’t be an equal fight. Marvel has been trying to raise the profile for the Inhumans, albeit for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways. They dedicated an entire season of AGENTS OF SHIELD to making the Inhumans popular. The problem is that they did this by trying to make them exactly like mutants. This simply cannot be done. Making the Inhumans into mutants is like making the New York Yankees into underdogs. It cannot be done logically, believably, or with a straight face.

Despite this, the Inhumans still have the advantage in one key area: movie rights. It’s a poorly-kept secret that Marvel gives preferential treatment to characters and properties whose movie rights they own. They may deny this, but how else do they explain the X-Men and Fantastic Four being absent from cartoons, toys, posters, video games, and various merchandise? What other reason could they have for going out of their way to marginalize mutants while giving extra leniency to a secret society of super-powered beings who segregate themselves from the world, maintain a rigid caste system, and only act heroic when it’s convenient?

It’s debatable just how much movie rights will be a factor in Inhumans vs. X-Men. From the perspective of Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire, the writers of this event, it may not be more than a passing thought. Unfortunately, the perception has already weaved its way into the reality that message boards and paranoid comic fans form in their heads. Anyone who has been following politics during this year’s election season understands all too well just how much paranoia and perception play into debate.

Whatever the outcome and whatever the legal undertones, the concept between Inhumans vs. X-Men is flawed. On one side, you have a minority that has been forcibly sterilized twice in the past decade. On the other, you have a team with a tradition of racism, xenophobia, and slavery. It’s not a battle between heroes as much as it is an exercise in contrivance. The only way this story is going to work on any level is for the fundamentals to be contrived in the mold of Bat Shark Repellant. For the same company that gave us CIVIL WAR and AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, Marvel has no excuses.

Death of X #2: Nuff Said!

There are some people who just don't give enough fucks to hide their bias. I consider myself to be one of them, but I'm a drunk with no power, no influence, and poor impulse control. I didn't have a lot of fucks to give in the first place. For the folks in charge of X-men, a 50-year-old multi-billion dollar franchise, their capacity for giving fucks is inherently greater. That means they have fewer excuses and when they stop hiding their own bias, it's just a dick move.

That's what Death of X is to many X-men fans, an overtly bias dick move. They've made it painfully clear whose dicks they want to suck in this story. The X-men, under Cyclops' leadership, are grim and solemn, looking to start a war the second they have a chance. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are all sunshine and rainbows. Hell, Crystal probably shits chocolate milkshakes in their world. They've set up a horrendously bias, overtly unbalanced conflict that's about to take a bit steaming shit all over the X-men and it's not going to smell like chocolate. Death of X #2 is basically another dose of laxatives and I'll be holding my nose for the duration of this review.

My nose may suffer, but my eyes are more than happy to take in Aaron Kuder's artwork as Storm meets up with Medusa, the current ruler of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. She basically tells us the same shit we found out in the first issue. Their giant green fart cloud is killing mutants and Storm, like everyone else in the X-men, has a big fucking problem with that.

Medusa kindly points out that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners know nothing of these effects. As far as they know, their big fart cloud has the same impact on mutants as potato chips, minus the salty aftertaste. She comes off as sincere and shocked, but only to the extent that a North Korean diplomat comes off as sincere and shocked when he finds out his country has a bad reputation. At the very least, she seems willing to work with Storm on dealing with this issue, which is more than North Korea has ever managed. That much, I'll concede.

They have some pretty in depth discussions, but not much comes of it. Again, we're basically told shit we already know. And just as before, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are portrayed as all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn shit. Medusa carries herself as being just as shocked and appalled by this development. She even enlists Crystal to notify her that the next big fart cloud is heading for Madrid and they should get any mutants in its path into the next time zone. It's a wholly unreasonable request with an unreasonable time frame, but that's pretty much every Tuesday in the Marvel universe.

It seems like a concession, but there are X-men not named Cyclops who aren't convinced. Forge rightly points out to Storm that Medusa may be more inclined to help her own people than a bunch of mutants who have a nasty habit of getting attacked by killer robots. Remember, this is Forge. He builds awesome shit. He doesn't regularly beat Reed Richards in chess or anything, but if even he can sense that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners may not be entirely sincere, that's saying something.

There's a concerted effort here to make Medusa come off as an innocent, untainted victim here. She never gives the impression that the mutant-killing effects of their giant fart cloud were known. She just worries what may happen if one single mutant suspects as such. Once again, she comes off smelling like Taylor Swift's perfume.

Not surprisingly, Cyclops doesn't get that same effort. Before learning all the facts and assessing the situation, which he has done compulsively and effectively for nearly 50 fucking years, he decides to basically fuck himself over and go for broke. That involves using the collective psychic talents of Emma Frost and the Stepford Cuckoos to announce to the world that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners lied, their fart cloud kills mutants, and he's going to wage a fucking war to stop it.

Now let me stop for a moment, unclench my nose, and whiff in the bullshit here. This is the same Cyclops who, not so long ago, decided to do the exact opposite in Uncanny X-men #600. This is a character who, in nearly every other situation, assesses the situation carefully and does not jump the gun. He leaves that shit to Wolverine and others like him. Now here he is, throwing lit matches at a grease fire, and doing everything possible to NOT think this through. I expect this kind of shit from Wolverine, Deadpool, and even Spider-Man. For Cyclops though, it doesn't just feel forced. It feels like someone just spit on a blank piece of paper and called it the Mona Lisa.

He doesn't just stop at warning mutants either. He basically takes the objectivity of a North Korean reporter and claims this fart cloud will kill humans as well. Naturally, it causes the shit to hit the fan in Madrid. It's the exact opposite of sound strategy. Sure, it may rally humans and mutants to his side, but he's a fucking X-man. He knows what happens when people rally around fear and paranoia. Killer robots usually aren't far behind. The fact that Cyclops, the same skilled tactician that beat Bastion and pwned the Avengers, can't see this is a fucking joke. It's so forced that it kills any sense of drama or impact.

Along with a whole lot of terrified mutants and humans, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get the message as well. It completely changes their mission. In the last issue, it was all sunshine and roses when they traveled to Japan to watch their fart cloud roll through a populated area. Hell, some treated it like a 4th of July barbecue. Now, an entire city is losing their shit because Cyclops delivered a psychic message that gave them plenty of reason to. It makes their task of getting mutants out of the way that much harder. Again, they're set up as the heroes and the victims. It feels about as sincere as the comments section of an anti-feminist message board because it had to be so fucking forced.

At the very least, it leads to some decent action that allows Aaron Kuder to show off his art skills. Crystal heads out into the giant fart cloud and meets up with Storm, who is uniquely equipped to deal with fart clouds. It's enough to make you wonder why the fuck the X-men ever had to move to Limbo in the first place. They got someone who can control the fucking clouds. I'm sure there's a reason, but I'm not sure it's a non-bullshit reason.

Bullshit reason or not, it does the trick. It diverts the fart cloud from Madrid and saves whatever humans or mutants would've been fucked over. This still doesn't change the fact that Cyclops scared the everloving shit out of everybody with his psychic message, but it at least mitigates one problem. That's the most the X-men can hope for these days. That's probably the most that Fox's lawyers will allow.

It's still not much of a victory in the X-men's eyes. While the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are just inconvenienced by this shit, they're burying one of their fallen friends. On Muir Island, some of Cyclops' team, as well as some visitors, show up to bury Multiple Man and his clones. It's another grim, solemn scene that highlights the bleak, dire state of the X-men. It's sad, but it's consistent with the overall theme of the story so I'll give it that.

There's even a nice moment with Colossus and Magik, which is also kind of forced because before Uncanny X-men #600, these two had a lot of reasons to hate each other. Now, they just brush that shit off without really confronting it. That may be a good way to deal with internet trolls, but issues with demon-loving siblings? That's pushing it. Still, it's a sincere moment that reinforces the X-men's sentiment towards the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. They think their big fart cloud is sacred. They'll never just destroy it. They'll gladly let mutant suffer. That's just how fucked the mutant race is these days.

Back in Madrid, people are still losing their shit. The X-men decide, reasonably so, that they need to bring in some backup to settle people the fuck down. So how does Crystal decide to help? She decides, unreasonably so, to use the powers of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' lasted recruit from the last issue. Those powers involve putting everybody, including the X-men, to sleep. In a busy city with people driving cars, holding babies, and walking down stairs, this ranks right up there with mixing laxatives with sleeping pills in terms of a shitty idea.

They don't even have the fucking decency to warn Storm and her team. They just see all this chaos, decide it's too much of an inconvenience to actually do something, and resort to putting everyone to sleep. It works, but it's as big a dick move as anything Cyclops did. At the very least, Cyclops warned them of imminent danger. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners just created new danger by putting everyone to sleep without first checking whether they were holding babies, hot cups of coffee, or lit matches. Even so, they'll still come off as the innocent victims. It's so forced at this point that most people reading this will probably be numb to it at this point and I don't like being numbed unless weed is involved.

So now the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners have even more reasons to kill each other. For a moment, they're able to help one another. Then one side decides to put them all to sleep without warning them. Between this and Cyclops' bullshit, I think both sides have disqualified themselves from being labeled competent diplomats. So what's the solution? You bring in someone who's as diplomatic as a recovering crack head. That someone is Magneto.

It probably helps that Emma Frost is the one to contact him. Hell, she probably showed him her tits just to sweeten the deal. Magneto stopped putting up with Cyclops' shit towards the end of his non-revolution. Now, he has a chance to flex his nuts again with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. That means he's probably the most objective, untainted, unforced personality in this conflict. How sad is that?

So...is it awesome?

Well, I may have been better off just amputating my nose completely. Like Fox News, I never expected it to be fair and balanced. At the very least, I hoped there would at least be some fucking effort. Guess I was hoping for too much. This is not Civil War or Civil War II. Marvel is not trying to make this a balanced conflict in the slightest. They basically force Cyclops into being irrational, impulsive, paranoid, and stupid. This is the same guy who instinctively analyzes, strategizes, and counters every battle plan as a habit. Now, we're supposed to accept he's this fucking stupid? After waging war against Bastion, the Avengers, and the Phoenix Force?

Well toss a pile of shit in a bucket, mix in some ice, and call it Bud Light because that's exactly what we get in Death of X #2. There's no effort to assess or analyze the situation. It just jumps into full-blown conflict between the X-men and Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners without anybody thinking it through. There's no organization. There's no context. There's no possible way for there to be any drama whatsoever. Again, you can also tell which side Marvel favors. It basically ensures this story is so forced and contrived that it's not the least bit compelling.

Now I'm not going to blame the writers here. Charles Soule, Jeff Lemire, and Aaron Kuder are basically given a shit sandwich here that they have to eat. Too much of this reeks of the same agenda that ended the Fantastic Four's long-running series. They HAVE to make Cyclops evil and after Uncanny X-men #600, they really don't have the tools to do that. They HAVE to force it. I don't blame them, but that doesn't make the story any less shitty. If you're at all hoping for some context and depth, kill those hopes with a machete. They're not here and if Fox's lawyers have anything to say about it, they'll be legally barred for the foreseeable future.

Final Score: 3 out of 10