Scanned Thoughts: X-men #2

Every week I induce severe head trauma and ingest various mind-altering substances before reading a comic. Then I write out the thoughts that emerge. They're not always coherent, logical, or healthy. But I've long since destroyed the part of my brain that gives a shit. So here are those twisted thoughts associated with X-men #2. Read on if you dare.

In a book already dripping with boobs and estrogen, it's only fitting that the big baddie in this series be the pissed off sister of John Sublime, Arkea. First, she hitched a ride on a cute little baby that derailed a train in a way that didn't involve crying like a banshee having his nuts squeezed. Then once at the Jean Grey Institute, she jumped into a much more capable body in Karima Shapandar, aka Omega Sentinel. It's basically a killer robot with boobs and her first act is to pwn Beast and hack the Jean Grey Institute. It's as awesome and sexy as it sounds.

As a result, the entire Jean Grey Institute goes all PMS on the X-men. Yes, that was a lady parts joke. Get used to it. It's an all-women comic. Sublime basically warmed them about this shit and they didn't listen. John Sublime may be a total douche-bag, but even a broken clock is right twice a day I guess. And Arkea even adds to the pwnage, making the computer systems actually laugh at Rachel Grey when she tries to override her shit. That's basically like a hacker flashing a picture of your girlfriend blowing him. It's cruel, but effective adds a nice touch of humor. And few things are more enjoyable than laughing with a raging boner.

Arkea is enjoying the benefits of her little surprise attack. That's the benefits of hopping a ride on a baby. Nobody suspects a baby of being evil, outside a Chucky movie that is. But once the surprise wears off, Beast manages to at least partially inflate his now collapsed scrotum by opening the door to his lap and leading Rogue to Arkea. So he's still getting a woman to do his fighting for him. I guess the Feminazis will have something to bitch about after all.

But it's still a pretty awesome fight. Rogue, being the heavy hitter of the team, roughs up Arkea. But keep in mind she's still in Omega Sentinel's body. That means it's two beautiful women beating the shit out of each other in an ape man's lab. It sounds like a masturbatory fantasy from Stephen Hawkings. It's still pretty damn awesome. And it's not like Beast does nothing. He does try to knock Omega Sentinel out with a little morphine. But that does jack shit against Akrea, who sounds like Martha Stewart on Adderall. So this issue now has beautiful women and drugs. Add some bacon to the mix and it would be the perfect comic.

While this hot girl on cyber-girl action is going on, the rest of the X-women try to get some answers out of John Sublime. He basically tells them that she moves through technology. In the process she learns all she can and then destroys everything in her way before moving on. She's basically like Brainiac, but instead of a freaky robot she's a collection of bacteria that hops into hosts that include babies and hot cybernetic women. I'm just going to call it here. Arkea would bitch slap Brainiac in a second. For that reason, John Sublime offers his help. Yeah, he's still a douche-bag, but he's a douche-bag that's terrified of his sister. So I guess that also makes him a pussy.

The plan now amounts to slowing Arkea down before she can get too much data. And since Kitty Pryde has a talent for fucking up machines by phasing through them (which is probably more efficient than dropping them in the toilet), she's best equipped to handle this. But Arkea gets wind of this and decides to fight back. At this point she has already taken down Rogue, who is the heavy hitter like I said. So Kitty Pryde might as well be trying to convince a man to take her to her grandmother's house on the day of the Superbowl.

But unlike Rogue, she tries to beat her in ways that don't just involve beating her up. Rachel encourages her to try and reach out to Omega Sentinel. That involves threatening her by saying that if she phases through her, she'll effectively kill Omega Sentinel and possibly Arkea. It's the kind of threat you don't usually expect to see in a cute little girl like Kitty Pryde. But just because you want to fuck her doesn't mean you would want to fuck with her. Arkea knows this and just opts to ditch her and the Jean Grey Institute. Is it cowardly? Fuck yes. But is it smart. Definitely.

Now Arkea's on the loose and the X-women have to track her down before she derails more trains or blows up more schools. But since she's still in Omega Sentinel, that means she's moving fast and probably not going to slow down unless it's to give them another big fuck you. If that weren't hard enough, they need John Sublime to tag along for the ride. He's a douche and he looks like the kind of guy who will betray them, wave his dick in their face, and ditch them the moment they take care of his crazy, genocidal sister. But they're basically stuck with him. He might as well be herpes.

Then Jubilee decides to join the mission. But wait...doesn't she now have an adopted baby to take care of? I can understand her wanting to tag along with the mission. She's a vampire teenager with poor impulse control. But what bothers me here is that Storm and the rest of the X-women actually fucking let her. It's not like the baby is now key to stopping Arkea...as far as we know. But she just points out that she's involved and somehow that's reason enough to have her go on this dangerous mission and take the fucking baby with her? I'm all for occasional child endangerment, but this is just fucking irresponsible. And that's coming from a drunk.

Even if it is irresponsible as fuck, it does lead to a nice moment where John Sublime confronts Jubilee and apologizes for basically stalking them in ways that only the Catholic Church could equal. He also informs her that the baby is now perfectly healthy since Arkea has jumped ship. She even called him Jubilee's son. It makes for a nice, emotional moment that shows Jubilee demonstrating the kind of maturity that we never saw in two seasons of 16 and Pregnant. Suck it, MTV!

Yet to this point, there's still no mention of the fact that Jubilee is still a fucking vampire. She hasn't even shown her fangs yet. I'm glad this issue focuses on Jubilee more as a character, but when one of her defining skills involves being a bloodsucker, that's a pretty tough thing to overlook. Plus, she's caring for a fucking baby now. Isn't anyone in the X-men going to point out how fucked up that is?

They may figure it out enough. But right now, they've got more shit to deal with. The Jean Grey Institute is in ruin...again. And Kitty Pryde is sitting the mission out to help with the clean-up efforts. The problem is that Arkea wasn't exactly done fucking with the X-men before she left. Before she took off, she apparently hot wired a ticking bomb of sorts. Now it's not clear if it's the kind of bomb that explodes in a big ass fireball, but given the Jean Grey Institute's propensity to being blown up I think it's a pretty safe bet.

Something is about to go boom and for once it isn't my dick. This issue is lighter on the drama compared to the first, but more than compensates by having Rogue kick some serious ass. Jubilee's role is still not clear. She hasn't even flashed her vampire fangs or allowed me to make a Twilight joke. I guess I'll have to stick to 16 and Pregnant jokes now that she has a baby. That's fine by me and those are my twisted thoughts on X-men #2. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #274 - Past Relationships and Future Awesome

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't review another issue of X-men Legacy that involved the dongs of cat people. I'm sorry. I may be an X-men fan with a drinking problem, but I have my limits. I simply cannot bring myself to review a comic whose premise is too ridiculous no matter how much weed I smoke. It sure didn't help that X-men Legacy did such a great job of tying in with Avengers vs. X-men at first, only to piss it all away for fucking cat people dongs. I've been on the business end of some pretty shitty trades, namely one where I unknowingly gave a couple hundred bucks to a guy who sold me Flintstone vitamins and claimed they were ecstasy. But there's no fair trade for cat people dongs.

Thankfully, that story was over and t ended as predictably as it should with Rogue getting back to her world just in time for the shit storm in Avengers vs. X-men #11. That comic may have sucked, but at least it didn't involve cat people dongs. Sorry if I seem like I'm beating a dead horse here, but some shit is just too hard to forget no matter how many brain cells you kill. And as bad as that story was, I'm not inclined to just ditch X-men Legacy. The series is one of the numerous titles that will be relaunching as part of the Marvel NOW! non-reboot that Marvel is hyping. That means there are only a few issues left with which to tie up loose ends and I might as well check them out before the non-reboot brings in a different kind of dong.

As much as I've enjoyed X-men Legacy, there is one aspect aside from dongs that makes my asshole clench like a Rabbi in Iran. That's the Rogue/Magneto relationship. Now Marvel has a long list of shitty, downright toxic relationships in their comics. Hell, they've had Hank Pym beat the shit out of his wife for making a joke about how many Pym particles it took to make his dick big. But this relationship was like a two hungry cannibals drenched in steak sauce going down on each other. It was bound to go horribly bad at some point. So when Rogue left for the Jean Grey Institute and Magneto stayed on Genosha, my stomach rejoiced. Now it could save the vomiting for alcohol and cocaine benders in Cancun. However, they never officially wrapped up this abomination of a relationship. And that's what X-men Legacy #274 is expected to do.

Now in reading this comic, we do get exposed to a few spoilers for Avengers vs. X-men. But they're about as surprising as Ricky Martin's sexuality. The X-men lost. The utopian world the Phoenix Five created was blown to shit. And now everybody hates mutants again and not the assholes (the Avengers) who picked a fight with them. It means people are in danger, buildings have collapsed, and wi-fi signals are weak. So despite humans having more reasons to piss themselves around mutants, Rogue tries to help in Washington DC with rescue efforts. She gets a gun pointed at her, but it still beats cat people dongs. Okay, I promise that'll be the last dong reference.

Since it has been a while since Magneto used a tragedy to try and snake his way into Rogue's panties, he shows up and offers to help. He also gets a few guns pointed at him (and by a few I mean a shit ton along with automatic weapons) and more deservedly so. This is a guy who talks about wiping out the human race as casually as most people talk about ordering Chinese food. Yet for some reason that still got Rogue's panties wet. I'll never understand that in the same way I'll never understand why supermodels marry butt-ugly rock stars, but for the sake of this comic I'll hold back my nausea. Rogue also manages to hold back the guys with the guns, as if she really needed to against a guy who could have easily turned them on everyone and danced to the sound of their blood hitting the pavement. But he didn't. He's here for Rogue's pussy and not for killing humans. As such, he agrees to help her free the people trapped in the subway. Plus, it means being in an enclosed space with her and anyone who has been in a closet with a drunk chick knows how all sorts of crazy shit can happen in that environment.

But there's crazy and there's just plain fucked up. As they're sifting their way through the wreckage, Magneto gets down on one knee and not in a way that would lead you to believe he's trying out for gay porn. My stomach almost declared war on me on the spot, but thankfully Gage isn't quite that cruel. Magneto wasn't proposing. It just looked like he was, so much so that even Rogue got a little sickened. Magneto quickly tucks it back in his pants before explaining that since the world nearly came to an end (again and not by his hands for once), it's led him to reevaluate his priorities. And her pussy is now at the top of the list. He tells her this after he casually justifies what he did during Avengers vs. X-men as always doing what's best for mutants. And if humans get in the way, fuck them. Considering the casual way in which he talks about both subjects, I can't see how any sober woman that hasn't dated Charlie Sheen could take him seriously.

And this is a microcosm of why the Rogue/Magneto relationship is so utterly fucked. How can you take Magento's affections seriously when the only thing he takes seriously involve mutants dominating humans? I'm not saying he's incapable of feeling love. I'm just saying that love is only as deep as Michael Vick's love for dogs. That's why their relationship was like nitro and glycerine. Alone, they're okay. But together, shit is just bound to blow up and not in the way that makes for a good porno.

Thankfully, Rogue doesn't get a chance to respond to Magento's affections. Unlike him, she still gives a damn about innocent people. That includes the people whose blood Magneto would gladly use as anal lube if he was so inclined. So despite her panties remaining locked, he helps her free some innocent people who were trapped in the rubble of a subway car. Magneto even offers her some of his power to help, but she's extremely reluctant to touch him. I'm pretty sure she knows she's just going to get images of his fantasies of her in stiletto heels covered in Nazi blood and she doesn't need that when she's trying to rescue people.

But not everyone is lucky enough to just be trapped. Rogue comes across a guy named Richard who was unlucky enough to be impaled in the wreckage. Surprisingly, he has a good sense of humor about it. At this point the rubble is starting to give way and he's wounded to the point where even Dr. House wouldn't be able to save him. He seems to know this and while Rogue is trying to free him, he tells her about his own love story and unless you're a conservative Christian or Muslim it's a billion times more touching than Rogue and Magneto's relationship will ever be.

This guy, Richard, is a closet gay who works on Capitol Hill and presumably wasn't tweeted a picture of Anthony Weiner's penis. But he has a stud lover named Dale with whom he's been hiding his relationship. Now that he's dying, he's kicking himself for not giving the finger to the Christian Right and choosing to be with him. He also talks about heeding the decisions of those around him who think the asshole is only for shitting. Now he's realized how fucked that is and it's a beautiful thing. Again, if the whole homosexuality thing isn't for you, then you're probably not comfortable reading comics about minorities in the first place so go back to sucking Pat Robertson's dick.

Rogue manages to free him, but the tunnel finally collapses. It forces Magneto to give a damn about this dying man because Rogue is intent on saving him. He's able to use his powers to get them out, but it's too late for Richard. He's declared dead on the spot. It's tragic. A gay man dies while an old man with a history of supporting mass genocide against humanity lives and has the chance to bone a pretty girl. I'm pretty sure GLADD will send hate mail to Marvel for shit like this, but they already got a gay wedding in Astonishing X-men so I think Marvel can brush it off. It also clearly affects Rogue because Richard's situation was similar to hers, minus the sodomy. It only reinforces the notion that she needs to lock her panties from Magneto forever, but in the nicest way possible.

Rogue and Magneto finally have their overdue conversation in a park in the classic Hugh Grant moment. It gets to be sickening in some ways. They do share a kiss that should sit about as well as a stomach full of sulfuric acid, but Rogue makes it clear that she wants to take a lesson from Richard and not let other assholes decide her life for her. A part of her also understands that a guy willing to justify any atrocity for the good of his people is not someone she should be boning. In the end she makes clear that her decisions don't involve her and Magneto swapping body fluids. He seems to understand, but he doesn't give the impression that he's taken her pussy out of his list of priorities. It's a solid resolution, but not one that's absolute. So the potential for more of this stomach churning bullshit is still there, but far more tolerable and nothing a few shots of tequila and NyQuil can't fix.

Since Mike Carey's glory days on this series, X-men Legacy has been Rogue's journey. She's gone through her share of growth, drama, and tampons. She's one of the X-men's heavy hitters and this series has been a constant reminder why. But the Magneto relationship is like finding gay porn under Chuck Norris's bed. It's a rather disturbing aspect of an otherwise badass journey. Never-the-less, Christos Gage went out of his way to lay this shit to rest in this issue. And for that, my stomach and I thank him.

But this issue did more than just assure readers that they wouldn't have to endure any more thoughts of Magneto's wrinkly ball sack slapping against Rogue's chin. It showed how Rogue's journey had evolved. She's now in a very different place compared to where she was after Schism. She's at a crossroads in her life and ready to make her own decisions instead of letting others decide for her with some trying to snake their way into her panties. It also reminds readers that Magneto is still a tool who will justify all his bullshit under the guise of doing what's best for his people. He's not the kind of guy you want to bone sober and Rogue seems to finally understand that even if it took her way too fucking long. Even if these revelations were painfully obvious and long overdue, at least they've finally been addressed.

This alone makes the issue satisfying, but what definitely helps is the added drama of the gay couple that never got to say goodbye. If you're a registered Republican, it'll probably disgust you. But if you don't have that kind of evil in your heart, it'll add some extra emotion to the mix. Is it contrived? Fuck yes. But does it matter? Fuck no. The premise of this comic wasn't built around an epic struggle. It was a personal journey and each element linked up nicely in the end. For that I give X-men Legacy #274 a 3.5 out of 5.

So it's almost over. Just one issue left of X-men Legacy before the big non-reboot! Rogue is on her way to joining Uncanny Avengers while Magneto is on his way to justifying his next great atrocity. It's an exciting time for the X-books. Fuck Avengers vs. X-men and bring in Marvel NOW! Just leave out the cat people dongs. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #3 - Divinely Deceptive Awesome

We all like pleasant surprises and despite the unpleasant ones. To me, a pleasant surprise is like finding an extra bag of weed between my couch cushion or finding a whole bottle of vodka in the back of the freezer. But unpleasant surprises are less fickle. They are usually variations of a bad hangover. Sometimes it's as simple as a kick in the nuts from a hooker after you pay them for a quick hummer in a gas station bathroom. Other times it's as complex as an overhyped comic event falling flatter than Kristen Stewart's acting. I've practically run out of shit analogies for Avengers vs. X-men, but I try to take some comfort in that the X-books are a big, overbloated property that Marvel does anything and everything to exploit in order to suck out every last cent from consumers. It may get the Occupy Wall Street crowd's panties in several knots, but for fans like me it just means more opportunities for those pleasant surprises.

One X-book that has been largely unaffected by the shit tornado that is Avengers vs. X-men is Greg Pak's Xtreme X-men. This comic is a lot like that guy at a party who would just grab the prettiest drunk girl he could find, slip out the back, and say "So long you drunk dumb-asses!" before banging the girl in the back of a pickup truck. It's just as fun, but without noise and potential liver damage of the big events.

And as luck would have it, Xtreme X-men is a series based entirely around a pretty girl that isn't even drunk (okay, so nobody's perfect). Dazzler has been mixing it up in the Marvel multi-verse, rubbing elbows with alternate versions of Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Emma Frost. They team up with a disembodied head of Charles Xavier on a universe-hopping adventure to keep the space time continuum from collapsing worse than the Libyan government. The last issue had Dazzler cross paths with a version of X-men that believe they're actual gods and act like divine assholes to prove it. It wasn't a terrible story, but it was no line of blow off a strippers tits. However, Greg Pak has been known to shine in unexpected ways before so I'm always willing to give him a chance, provided he doesn't do some crazy shit like send Rogue to a world of cat-people...okay, bad example.

Xtreme X-men #3 picks up shortly after Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler escape Storm and the X-gods wrath. In the last issue they made the mistake of not making them less bored so they decided to attack. It was a lopsided battle, but thankfully they got an assist from this world's version of Magneto and Xavier. Apparently in this universe, they're still BFF's and not in the slash fiction sort of way. They help Dazzler and her pals escape while creating a psychic illusion that has the X-gods take their divine douche-baggery on an unpopulated area. But Xavier and Magneto are keen to point out that these X-gods have killed millions in this world and have probably can't even get boners anymore without some mortal begging for mercy. Whether it's a guilt trip or a revelation, they make sure that Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler aren't comfortable letting that shit stand.

These alternate BFF versions of Xavier and Magneto take Dazzler and her team to an alternate version of utopia. However, it's about as utopian as downtown Detroit. It essentially contains the small minority of people who the X-gods haven't fucked over with their divine dicks. They're only about 5,000 strong and contain some familiar faces like Reed Richards and Hercules. It's somewhat tense because in this world Hercules is still part god, but he's only a demigod so he's cool. It's like being quarter Cherokee on a college admissions application. It's not much and it amounts to jack shit in the grand scheme of things, but it suffices. It also ensures that they have some muscle on their side to take on the X-gods.

But Dazzler and her team's arrival isn't all about forging inter-dimensional Facebook friends. Their presence has actually seriously fucked up a status quo that has already been gang banged more than Jenna Jameson. Not only that, they lost their Xavier head in a jar and they kind of need him back in order to ditch this Clash of the Titans knock-off X-men. But while using their own version of Cerebro to scan the X-god's Olympus-like palace, they learn that when Emmeline betrayed them in the previous issue she fucking meant it. She uses her own powers to give Xavier the psychic finger and that's a big fucking problem for reasons that go beyond Xavier getting schooled by a hot blonde. Now that the X-gods have a psychic, they can find Utopia and pretty much wipe their asses with if it they want. For that reason, Xavier says they have to kill all the telepaths working for the X-gods. Dazzler has a slight problem with that, but then he coyly points out that their pet Xavier in a jar tasked them with killing this universe's version of Xavier so that puts them in a pretty awkward position. It seems the least they could to maintain some form of dignity is to help out. Arriving in a universe to find out you're trying to kill the last hope for humanity to avoid being nothing more than a mild rectal itch to these gods kind of makes you obligated.

A night goes by and Xavier prepares to rally what's left of Utopia's army. They know they're basically akin to a bunch of grasshoppers trying to take down Mike Tyson wearing clown shoes so morale isn't exactly high. So Hercules gets Dazzler to do a little singing to inspire them. It's not much, but I think most people feel better about fighting to the death after hearing a hot chick sing. That seems to be another constant in most universes, comic book or otherwise.

But in addition to her singing, Dazzler also takes time to have a little chit-chat with Kid Nightcrawler. She actually tries to encourage him to sit out this battle because he's just a fucking kid. Throwing him into a battle against gods is a parenting tip right out of Michael Jackson's book. But Kid Nightcrawler isn't going to take that shit. He's going to partake in the battle regardless of how much it makes Dazzler's tummy hurt. It seems mundane, but it's actually a compelling scene in the sense that it shows Dazzler developing a kinship with these alternate reality X-men. To this point they really haven't developed much of a bond. Dazzler just got tossed in with them in the first issue. Now they're starting to get more friendly and that helps make for a more compelling narrative. It's like getting drunk with your best friend. It always beats getting drunk with a stranger that may try to pick a fight the moment you say something about their mother.

The next day, Xavier and Magneto march their army into battle. It looks to be a typical battle royal between a bunch of underdog mortals and gods who can't be bothered to listen to their bitching in between orgies. Storm and Thor don't seem too concerned, but as the army approaches the Xavier in a jar that they kept from Dazzler's team mentions some strange psychic interference. It may not sound like much and even if it means something, it's quickly lost once the battle begins. It's pretty standard at first. Kid Nightcrawler teleports them into the X-gods's domain while the main army harasses the rest of their godly army that is completely unlike what Pat Robertson probably imagines. Dazzler tries to get back at Storm for dressing her up like a stripper and trying to make her a Slave Leia of sorts. It seems like your typical battle where those underdog X-men reach deep down, channel their inner Braveheart, and overcome impossible odds. Well I'm sorry to say if you want that shit, you'll have to stick to Mighty Ducks movies because that ain't how this plays out.

Remember that point I made earlier about pleasant surprises? I'm asking because I don't remember it much either. You smoke enough weed and you forget the shit you write. It happens. But part of what goes into a pleasant surprise is a plot twist that's not so twisted that it gives the impression that the writer was stoned. It's a plot twist that's so unexpected yet so fitting that makes you feel like the hooker you paid to blow you didn't realize you paid her in monopoly money. I usually don't expect such twists from Greg Pak, but here he pulls something off that leaves me almost as shocked as the aforementioned hooker.

That minor warning from the Xavier in a jar that was glossed over earlier wasn't just a warning. It was a sign that something in this universe was more fucked up than your typical X-men as gods ordeal. It turns out that Storm, Thor, and the rest of her X-god buddies weren't just acting like douche-bags because it got their dicks hard. It turns out the Charles Xavier in this world was actually as big an asshole as they expected and then some. The Xavier in a jar reveals that this universe's Xavier drove the X-gods to being the assholes that took a giant shit on the world. And why would he do that? Well, he says it's because by having gods to oppose, he and Magneto could be the best they could be. Okay, that's about the second worse reason anybody ever went to war. At least George W. Bush only fucked over a country and not the world. Magneto didn't care for that reason either. He snapped this universe's Xavier's neck, which effectively frees the world from his douche-baggery while accomplishing the mission Dazzler's team set out to do. It's like a three-way at a whore house in that it accomplishes two goals at once.

Once this universe's asshole Xavier is dead, the X-gods begin the tedious process of unfucking the world. And in a shakeup that's expected in some ways and surprising than others, Emmeline decides to stay. Seeing as how she turned on Dazzler's team in the last issue, I figure it would be pretty damn hard to trust her at this point. Plus, the X-gods are nice enough to grant her a wish of not giving a damn anymore so she's pretty much bound to this universe. But even though she's Emma Frost from another world, she's still an Emma that gives only so many fucks. Not to leave on a sour note, Dazzler throws in a quick smooch on a hot guy before leaving with Wolverine, Kid Nightcrawler, and Xavier in a jar. They're not exactly leaving Las Vegas with a full bag of chips, but they're not leaving flat broke anyways. In terms of inter-dimensional hopping, I think this qualifies as a win.

This issue offered far more than I expected. From the get go, I've branded Xtreme X-men as a novelty that helps fill the void left by Exiles. It's a void not easily filled and one that I've done my best to fill with certain cocktails of alcohol and a few other exotic substances I dare not name less the fine folks at the DEA are X-men fans. But this issue goes beyond merely filling a void. This issue doesn't just carry the story forward. It throws in a remarkable twist that you won't find outside a Christopher Nolan movie, minus subtle anti-liberal propaganda. The issue began with one set of assumptions about Storm, Thor, and the rest of these X-men wannabe gods. Greg Pak effectively took those assumption, choked them with a piece of barb wire, and shot them with a 12-gauge shotgun in the head. Not only that, it tweaked the line-up in the story by having Emmeline stay while Dazzler continued her journey with Howlett and Kid Nightcrawler. That ensures the next arc won't follow the same formula. Now Dazzler and co. have to function without a hot blonde telepath on their side. Fuck if that isn't a challenge.

As great as the twist was, I still found Xavier's little justification for his deception pretty weak. And it wouldn't be the first time a version of Charles Xavier has had a bullshit reason to mind-fuck people. It appeaars to be another one of those trends that spans multiple universes on top of the trend that ensures Deadpool will always be batshit crazy. Charles Xavier comes off as this shining beacon of virtue, but behind the scenes he's a scheming, sleazy asshole who would gladly make you shit out your own brain cells if it made his mission a little easier. I probably shouldn't be too disappointed that Dazzler's crew came across yet another Xavier who spent too much time in Gary Busey's head. That is, after all, what set the stage for this crazy multi-verse spanning adventure going all the way back to Pak's Astonishing X-men run. But still, in a multi-verse that's infinitely big, is it too much to ask for at least one Charles Xavier that's not a total douche-bag?

Maybe Dazzler will find a universe like that in her journey. For now, her trip in this issue and the series as a whole continues to be wildly entertaining. Greg Pak continues to write her as a solid character, utilizing solid dialog while setting up some pretty amazing battles that involve gods, demi-gods, and psychics with way too much free time on their hands. Xtreme X-men is still a very different kind of book that some people will still bitch about because it doesn't really tie in with the other X-books. I consider these people to be the same assholes that double park their Hummers in handicap spots and refuse to take off that Bush/Cheney bumper sticker fron the back. These are comic fans that this series can do without. I give Xtreme X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. How can I give a book any less when it demonstrates an ability to twist my perceptions in a way that's entirely legal...for now. Mr. Pak, if you're watching this, keep an eye out for the DEA. You never know what kind of shit they'll ban next. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #272 - Too Much Talking and Not Enough Awesome

When it comes to a comic book that has fucked itself like a triple-jointed nymphomaniac acrobat, I'm usually pretty forgiving. I'm no fucking Gandhi, but I am a reasonable drunk if nothing else. I'm always willing to offer a second chance, whether it's with a comic or with someone who is sincerely sorry they smoked all my weed and took a shit on my couch. Now I've yet to see a comic book ever outright apologize for shitty issues. Marvel has never shown even the slightest remorse for shit like the Clone Saga or Chuck Austin's Uncanny X-men run. DC isn't much better, who still haven't apologized for that shitty Superboy Prime continuity punch. But I'm of the opinion that the best way for a comic to make up for shitty issues is to make the next issue extra awesome.

This extra awesome is vital for a series like X-men Legacy and not just because it's one of the many titles relaunching under the Marvel NOW! initiative. Anyone who read my review of X-men Legacy #271 should still have their assholes clenched at the thought of how fucked this title has become. At the onset of the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins, X-men Legacy was the early gold standard. Now it's standards are lower than the producers of the Jersey Shore. It's one thing to just tell a shitty story. It's quite another to take an awesome character like Rogue and essentially cast her out from the shit storm that is AvX into some crazy world where a bunch of cat-people offer to bone her (both literally and figuratively). It was quite possibly the most forgettable tie-in in the history of tie-ins. I mean how the fuck do you go from fighting cosmic forces to fending off cat people that want to bone you? There isn't a magic mushroom in the world magical enough to conjure that shit.

But I am more than willing to give X-men Legacy #272 a shot. X-men Legacy has had it's ups and downs before, but it has a history of fighting it's way back, kicking my ass, and doing it in a way that gives me a serious boner (amongst other things). Now I'm not expecting an apology from Marvel or pictures of the asshole that lost the bar fight that led to this issue (although they would be much appreciated). But I would at least expect a story that is somewhat more memorable and somehow relevant in way that can't be forgotten with a single bong hit. That may be asking a lot. Then again, this is X-men Legacy. It does have a legacy to hold up and not just in name alone.

X-men Legacy #272 picks up after the overly predictable ending in the previous issue. Actually, it picks up AFTER that overly predictable ending hinted at some action. In the phantom pages between the end of X-men Legacy #271 and the first pages of X-men Legacy #272, Rogue is subdued by the cat people's arch enemies, the Swarm. We don't get to see the struggle. We don't get to see much of anything aside from the the king of the cat people thinking this pretty girl who they offered their finest studs wasn't as good as her rack made her out to be. The only action we get is when we catch up with Rogue while she's being marched away with the Swarm while they try to influence her with their hive mind. She tries to break free, but fails without much of a battle. It's as exciting as it sounds.

If you thought it couldn't get more predictable, then clearly you have awesome weed because the first thing the Swarm does is take Rogue to their queen and the source of the hive mind. That's like giving North Korean gangsters your passport and credit card info. Shit is not going to turn out well. The queen tries force her into the Swarm's hive mind (again). And (again) she fails miserably and Rogue fights her way out. Since she doesn't have her Miss Marvel powers, there's nothing really spectacular about it. It's just a hot girl running from a pack of monsters. You can pretty much get the same shit from EVERY slasher movie ever made.

Since she's not armed with the same power as before, the Swarm subdues her (yet again). At this point, no amount of weed is enough to make you overlook the growing trend here. The queen tries (yet again) to bring Rogue into their collective hive mind. But instead of another epic struggle, we get something that different that actually ends up being more boring if you can believe that.

The queen takes Rogue into a psychic journey of sorts that's about as exciting as a staring contest between a couple of dead fish. She explains with some very shitty visuals the joys of being part of a hive mind. It's pretty much everything you hear from North Korean propaganda. Everybody is on the same team. There are no secrets. Everybody has a common goal. Nobody is better than everybody else except for some great leader who probably jerks off behind the scenes while everyone else suffers. It's not quite as vile as Nazi collectivism and to the credit of the queen, she tries to paint it as a good thing. But it's all just needlessly wordy and any reader that isn't part of a Mormon cult won't take it seriously.

Rogue responds with an equally wordy, equally predictable rebuttal. It basically amounts to "being a mindless drone sucks" and "thinking for yourself is awesome." It all sounds so nice, like something you would see in a Mitt Romney add, minus the subtle racism. But again, it's so painfully predictable and bland that you really don't even have to read it. You can just assume Rogue reads from a script of every evil empire vs. freedom loving hero story ever made and it's pretty much the same thing. Rogue doesn't say anything that stands out aside from the queen, the great leader of the hive mind, keeping secrets. They're probably not as bad as Kim Jong Ill's porno collection, but to make the queen ditch the whole "free will is overrated debate." It's probably for the best.

The queen orders the Swarm to attack Rogue and the one other Swarm that tried to corrupt her earlier, who may have overheard the queen's dirty little secret. So he/she or whatever the fuck qualifies as a gender for these things is like the guy who walked in on Sadam Hussein while he was masturbating to pictures of Hillary Clinton. He might as well not exist. The attack isn't all that spectacular. Instead of fighting back this time, Rogue just decides to play dead and allows herself and the unfortunate Swarm to fall into a canyon. Of course they survive because this comic just wasn't predictable enough I guess. If you're still awake at this point, consider yourself lucky.

After the rest of the Swarm are confident they're dead, Rogue and the now excommunicated Swarm break out. Rogue is even nice enough to completely cut his link from the hive mind. This is probably as traumatic as cutting off a teenage girl from her Facebook account. This helps reveal a secret that really shouldn't be very startling. This whole war between the cat people and the Swarm is nothing more than a theater between a couple of power-hungry monarchs. It would be a great twist if there was at least some indication that there was a mystery behind it. That shit was never even hinted at so when you find out, it has about as much impact as another sex scandal involving a gay-bashing politician and male prostitute.

So all we really find out in this debate between individualism and collectivism is that authority figures are dicks and war is just one big joke. It's almost as if Rogue was nothing more than a prop in that joke. This doesn't really feel like her journey anymore. It's a sci-fi cookie cutter story that offers nothing new or compelling. Rogue now has to stop a war between two alien races and it has absolutely nothing to do with the events of Avengers vs. X-men. If this issue was meant to rescue the series from obscurity and make up for the previous issue, it failed miserably.

When I finished reading the last issue, my first response was to bang my head against the wall and swallow copious amounts of sleeping pills. My reaction to this issue was similar, but I didn't need the sleeping pills. This issue was dull and boring enough to be a fucking Ambien commercial. Rogue was yanked out of Avengers vs. X-men and thrust into the middle of an alien war. Yet this issue made it look as though she was in the middle of a republican primary debate. It was mostly talk, a philosophical debate on the merits of collectivism vs. individualism. Of freedom vs. order. Now I'm all for philosophical debates after ingesting a certain amount of LSD, but shit like this has no place in a fucking comic book arc about an alien war. It's not like a new twist was put on this argument either. Being in a collective is boring. Being individualistic is chaotic. The connections between this and Avengers vs. X-men were more loose than the shit in an Indian public restroom. That makes this issue all the more forgettable and only half as nauseating.

At least with the previous issue, we had some funny and memorable moments. I still laugh when I recall the look on Rogue's face when she was offered to bone some of the finest studs the cat people have to offer. But this issue had no boning, no hints at boning, and embarrassing moments for Rogue. It was just her talking and getting the two opposing sides to talk. That's about as exciting as it sounds. There's not a single memorable moment or a memorable piece of dialog. You could probably take the speech of any Republican politician, minus the racist, anti-gay, and anti-woman innuendo, and paste it into Rogue's dialog here on the merits of individual free will and there won't be much difference. You would think Rogue would at least show some of her trademark sass in the face of an alien war, but we get none of that shit here.

Now I'm not giving up on X-men Legacy. I still love this series, but I'm ready for this fucking arc to be over. This issue and the previous issue were boring, forgettable, and dull. The only good thing I can say about them is that they haven't butchered any characters or done any major damage to the rest of X-men Legacy or the X-books as a whole. In that sense, it's nowhere nearly as fucked up as every Ultimate title at the moment. It's just completely useless and not worth picking up. And with no cat people dongs to save it, I can only give X-men Legacy #272 a 1.5 out of 5. It's boring. It's dull. There's really no reason for this issue or this arc to exist other than trying to subtly influence comic fans into voting Republican. In that sense, comics like this aren't just bad. They're a Republican conspiracy. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #271 - Utterly Forgettable (Except For Naked Cat Men)

When I was in high school, I missed my share of awesome parties for a number of extremely unawesome reasons. One time some dick-cheese who probably got sick of me beating his ass at beer pong once slipped roofies into my whiskey. Not only did I miss the party, I woke up naked in my high school locker spooning a tuba that I stole from the music department. Sometimes I missed a party for reasons that resulted in much less brain damage. One time in college, my stoner roommate gave me the wrong directions to a party and we ended up on a Mormon compound with this crazy preacher guy saying that we'll find god in his rectum. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he said, but he was speaking in tongues so I'm pretty sure his rectum was part of it. My point is, if there's any point to begin with, is that missing a party sucks balls and that extends to comics.

X-men Legacy has delivered some damn good tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men so far. We've seen Frenzy butcher a bunch of ruthless African warlords while dealing with some unresolved childhood issues in the process. We've also seen Rogue and Miss Marvel fight in a ways that could only have been more awesome if they did so in their underwear. In the last issue, Rogue's unwavering support of the Phoenix Five finally caught up to her when she found out they were imprisoning Avengers in a little slice of Limbo run by Magik. That's like making Ted Bundy the head of a sorority house. It was pretty fucking gruesome, but Rogue only ended up screwing herself out of the party when she attempted to free Miss Marvel and tell her she was right.

This led to Magik, being a merciful teenage girl with god-like power after all, to cast Rogue into some pocket dimension that James Cameron probably birthed when he was high on shrooms. It's an effective way of dealing with someone who wasn't afriad to get naked with Magneto. But at the same time, it takes Rogue and X-men Legacy by default out of the Avenger vs. X-men story. It's like being in the middle of open heart surgery and stopping to do a pap smear for Courtney Love. One isn't related to the other and each can be equally disastrous. Now I love seeing Rogue shine in crazy alternate worlds, but not during the middle of a big story. It's like taking a shit and jerking off at the same time. One sort of defeats the other.

Never-the-less, X-men Legacy #271 promises to show off Rogue's trademark awesome in all the right ways. It has her landing right in the middle of a battle between a couple of stereotypical alien hoards. Okay, so maybe stereotypical is a loaded term when you're referring to hoards. One looks like a hoard of disgusting insects. One looks like a hoard of Thundercats ripoffs. Since the insects don't have anyone nearly as hot as Cheetara, it's probably safe to assume that the cat people are the good guys.

As is the case for any hero that gets caught up in an alien war, they don't know which side to root for at this point. They usually have to wait until some hulking monster attacks them and decides for them. Well if you were hoping for this comic to buck the tend, go back to hoping they'll have gay marriage in Saudi Arabia because there's nothing surprising here. A very bland and very generic green hulking monster that looks like a prototype version of Swamp Thing (that or a very large glob of Hulk's semen) attacks Rogue and since she's still armed with Miss Marvel's powers, she blasts right through it and doesn't even get her hair messy. In an issue of X-men Legacy, we just can't have that now can we?

But Rogue doesn't stick around to find out who else the Hulk rip-off was attacking. She opts for some peace in quiet in what looks like an LSD trip into Wonderland. There's some light inner monologue here, but it's nothing too memorable. She just thinks the same shit anyone would think if they ended up on an alien planet, minus the part where they shit their pants. There isn't much talk about the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Hell, you wouldn't even know that shit is still going on if you were careless and/or high. If that weren't bad enough, the story continues to be overly predictable. Rogue is attacked yet again, this time by one of the cat people. He's no Cheetara or Lion-O, but I guess Marvel is saving their pet fetishes for the next big event featuring Squirrel Girl.

Rogue and her attacker exchange a few blows. The attacker is speaking an alien language so she doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. Probably something along the lines of "Whoever shaved that pussy must have been messed up." Or maybe that's just what an alien would think after seeing Kathey Bates get a fresh Brazilian. Either way, Rogue breaks the guys sword when he strikes her and he happens to conveniently graze her in the process, allowing her to absorb the creature enough to learn his language. It's nice that Gage takes the time to do those little things that most writers overlooked since there was a time when every comic writer thought the universe spoke English. But it's pretty fucking convenient and predictable in a comic that already has plenty of that shit.

The guy whose sword she just broke in a totally non-dick joke way is upset, but then one of his associates calls him off. Seeing someone break a sword and learn a language in a second is something that apparently impresses these creatures. He was among those who saw her kick that green monsters ass and the king of their little cat-race (whose not named Lion-O I imagine), was so impressed that he sent out a search party to find her. Rogue's new cat friend explains that they're in the middle of a war (as if that shit wasn't already apparent enough) with a race called the Swarm. It's as unoriginal as it sounds. They're basically just uglier versions of the Borg in that they try to assimilate minds into a collective hive. Apparently, these creatures have a problem with that and are at war trying to stop them. He asks Rogue for her help and she's reluctant at first, but then he says his people have some mystical shit that could help get her back home. That sure gets her attention and she agrees to help. Again, none of this shit should surprise anyone who has read more than three comic books in their life.

Rogue is brought back to their base. She meets the king, who is kind of a dick to her. But then again, what ruler isn't these days? His subordinate says she's an Alpha, which is their version of a badass warrior that you want to follow when you're at war with a bunch of creepy insects. The king still doesn't seem convinced and decides to give Rogue. Her new biggest fan takes her to a private room where she can rest. This leads to one of the only entertaining aspects of the issue in that in addition to the bed, she offers her the pick of the litter in terms of studs. He even has them whip out their dongs to prove their worth. Rogue, being too polite or not in touch with her inner cat fetish, respectfully declines. You have to imagine that if it was a man in her place and he was offered his pick of beautiful cat-women, he would fuck them regardless of whether or not he had a cat fetish.

Now I forgot pretty much all the events in the pages preceding this one, but this one is definitely memorable in a special way. Rogue, who has always attracted some crazy characters from Magneto to Gambit, has a way of making sexy entertaining in a way that'll make you laugh and give you a boner. As I speak, there are probably fanfiction writers out there working on a story that has Rogue in an orgy of cat-men. That's how you now you've got a memorable scene and in a comic that's been pretty boring thus far, it's a welcome sight.

Unfortunately, that's the only part of the comic that's worth remembering. Not much else happens. Once Rogues goes to sleep without partaking in cat-man dong, some of the insect creatures sneak into her bedroom and attack (with no explanation mind you). She begins fighting them off, but runs out of Miss Marvel power in the process. So she's essentially screwed and the comic ends on a cliffhanger. Again, if any part of that surprises you, see a doctor. You've clearly had one too many concussions and a blood vessel may have just popped.

After reading this issue, only two questions went through my mind. "What the fuck does this have to do with Avengers vs. X-men" and "Who the fuck drank all my whiskey?" I have some solid leads on the latter, but I'm utterly stumped on the former. This is exactly what I feared after the last issue of X-men Legacy. Behind running out of booze and weed, a comic series that crashes and burns in the middle of a big event is always one of my greatest fears. Granted, this is just a tie-in, but since this series had made for some really solid tie-ins to date this issue is a major kick in the balls. Rogue makes friends with some aliens and kicks a very small amount of ass and she gets a chance to channel her inner cat fetish. That's about it.

There are a lot of things wrong with this issue. The inner monologue is bland. The dialog is mediocre. Rogue's sassy nature does show, but it sure as hell doesn't shine like it usually does in an issue of X-men Legacy. The whole alien conflict is bland and generic without so much as a hint of there being a twist of sorts. Hell, it might as well have been ripped from an episode of Star Trek or the Green Lantern cartoon. It's like Gage got stoned and watched Thundercats reruns for inspiration. I'm all for ripping off quality shows, but I would at least try to make it so it's more interesting. Aside from some of those cat warriors showing off their dongs for Rogue, there was nothing compelling about this premise.

This issue fails for the same reason the John Carter movie failed, minus the shitty marketing and overbloated budget. It tries to be epic, but lacks the substance behind it to be epic. At least John Carter had flashy visuals that you can watch while stoned and still have a good time. I got stoned and read this comic and about halfway through I set it aside to get some Twinkies. When a comic can't hold the interest of someone who's stoned, something done gone horribly wrong. Rogue still kicked some ass and she got to have a humorous LOL moment with the cat warrior studs. But this is an utterly forgettable issue that has no effect on Avengers vs. X-men and offers little chance for character development. I give X-men Legacy a 1.5 out of 5. Unless your a Furrey or into bestiality, you have no reason to pick up this issue. Of course if you're either, I'm sure there are other outlets for your interests and I'd rather not know about them. Nuff said!