X-men Legacy #274 - Past Relationships and Future Awesome

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't review another issue of X-men Legacy that involved the dongs of cat people. I'm sorry. I may be an X-men fan with a drinking problem, but I have my limits. I simply cannot bring myself to review a comic whose premise is too ridiculous no matter how much weed I smoke. It sure didn't help that X-men Legacy did such a great job of tying in with Avengers vs. X-men at first, only to piss it all away for fucking cat people dongs. I've been on the business end of some pretty shitty trades, namely one where I unknowingly gave a couple hundred bucks to a guy who sold me Flintstone vitamins and claimed they were ecstasy. But there's no fair trade for cat people dongs.

Thankfully, that story was over and t ended as predictably as it should with Rogue getting back to her world just in time for the shit storm in Avengers vs. X-men #11. That comic may have sucked, but at least it didn't involve cat people dongs. Sorry if I seem like I'm beating a dead horse here, but some shit is just too hard to forget no matter how many brain cells you kill. And as bad as that story was, I'm not inclined to just ditch X-men Legacy. The series is one of the numerous titles that will be relaunching as part of the Marvel NOW! non-reboot that Marvel is hyping. That means there are only a few issues left with which to tie up loose ends and I might as well check them out before the non-reboot brings in a different kind of dong.

As much as I've enjoyed X-men Legacy, there is one aspect aside from dongs that makes my asshole clench like a Rabbi in Iran. That's the Rogue/Magneto relationship. Now Marvel has a long list of shitty, downright toxic relationships in their comics. Hell, they've had Hank Pym beat the shit out of his wife for making a joke about how many Pym particles it took to make his dick big. But this relationship was like a two hungry cannibals drenched in steak sauce going down on each other. It was bound to go horribly bad at some point. So when Rogue left for the Jean Grey Institute and Magneto stayed on Genosha, my stomach rejoiced. Now it could save the vomiting for alcohol and cocaine benders in Cancun. However, they never officially wrapped up this abomination of a relationship. And that's what X-men Legacy #274 is expected to do.

Now in reading this comic, we do get exposed to a few spoilers for Avengers vs. X-men. But they're about as surprising as Ricky Martin's sexuality. The X-men lost. The utopian world the Phoenix Five created was blown to shit. And now everybody hates mutants again and not the assholes (the Avengers) who picked a fight with them. It means people are in danger, buildings have collapsed, and wi-fi signals are weak. So despite humans having more reasons to piss themselves around mutants, Rogue tries to help in Washington DC with rescue efforts. She gets a gun pointed at her, but it still beats cat people dongs. Okay, I promise that'll be the last dong reference.

Since it has been a while since Magneto used a tragedy to try and snake his way into Rogue's panties, he shows up and offers to help. He also gets a few guns pointed at him (and by a few I mean a shit ton along with automatic weapons) and more deservedly so. This is a guy who talks about wiping out the human race as casually as most people talk about ordering Chinese food. Yet for some reason that still got Rogue's panties wet. I'll never understand that in the same way I'll never understand why supermodels marry butt-ugly rock stars, but for the sake of this comic I'll hold back my nausea. Rogue also manages to hold back the guys with the guns, as if she really needed to against a guy who could have easily turned them on everyone and danced to the sound of their blood hitting the pavement. But he didn't. He's here for Rogue's pussy and not for killing humans. As such, he agrees to help her free the people trapped in the subway. Plus, it means being in an enclosed space with her and anyone who has been in a closet with a drunk chick knows how all sorts of crazy shit can happen in that environment.

But there's crazy and there's just plain fucked up. As they're sifting their way through the wreckage, Magneto gets down on one knee and not in a way that would lead you to believe he's trying out for gay porn. My stomach almost declared war on me on the spot, but thankfully Gage isn't quite that cruel. Magneto wasn't proposing. It just looked like he was, so much so that even Rogue got a little sickened. Magneto quickly tucks it back in his pants before explaining that since the world nearly came to an end (again and not by his hands for once), it's led him to reevaluate his priorities. And her pussy is now at the top of the list. He tells her this after he casually justifies what he did during Avengers vs. X-men as always doing what's best for mutants. And if humans get in the way, fuck them. Considering the casual way in which he talks about both subjects, I can't see how any sober woman that hasn't dated Charlie Sheen could take him seriously.

And this is a microcosm of why the Rogue/Magneto relationship is so utterly fucked. How can you take Magento's affections seriously when the only thing he takes seriously involve mutants dominating humans? I'm not saying he's incapable of feeling love. I'm just saying that love is only as deep as Michael Vick's love for dogs. That's why their relationship was like nitro and glycerine. Alone, they're okay. But together, shit is just bound to blow up and not in the way that makes for a good porno.

Thankfully, Rogue doesn't get a chance to respond to Magento's affections. Unlike him, she still gives a damn about innocent people. That includes the people whose blood Magneto would gladly use as anal lube if he was so inclined. So despite her panties remaining locked, he helps her free some innocent people who were trapped in the rubble of a subway car. Magneto even offers her some of his power to help, but she's extremely reluctant to touch him. I'm pretty sure she knows she's just going to get images of his fantasies of her in stiletto heels covered in Nazi blood and she doesn't need that when she's trying to rescue people.

But not everyone is lucky enough to just be trapped. Rogue comes across a guy named Richard who was unlucky enough to be impaled in the wreckage. Surprisingly, he has a good sense of humor about it. At this point the rubble is starting to give way and he's wounded to the point where even Dr. House wouldn't be able to save him. He seems to know this and while Rogue is trying to free him, he tells her about his own love story and unless you're a conservative Christian or Muslim it's a billion times more touching than Rogue and Magneto's relationship will ever be.

This guy, Richard, is a closet gay who works on Capitol Hill and presumably wasn't tweeted a picture of Anthony Weiner's penis. But he has a stud lover named Dale with whom he's been hiding his relationship. Now that he's dying, he's kicking himself for not giving the finger to the Christian Right and choosing to be with him. He also talks about heeding the decisions of those around him who think the asshole is only for shitting. Now he's realized how fucked that is and it's a beautiful thing. Again, if the whole homosexuality thing isn't for you, then you're probably not comfortable reading comics about minorities in the first place so go back to sucking Pat Robertson's dick.

Rogue manages to free him, but the tunnel finally collapses. It forces Magneto to give a damn about this dying man because Rogue is intent on saving him. He's able to use his powers to get them out, but it's too late for Richard. He's declared dead on the spot. It's tragic. A gay man dies while an old man with a history of supporting mass genocide against humanity lives and has the chance to bone a pretty girl. I'm pretty sure GLADD will send hate mail to Marvel for shit like this, but they already got a gay wedding in Astonishing X-men so I think Marvel can brush it off. It also clearly affects Rogue because Richard's situation was similar to hers, minus the sodomy. It only reinforces the notion that she needs to lock her panties from Magneto forever, but in the nicest way possible.

Rogue and Magneto finally have their overdue conversation in a park in the classic Hugh Grant moment. It gets to be sickening in some ways. They do share a kiss that should sit about as well as a stomach full of sulfuric acid, but Rogue makes it clear that she wants to take a lesson from Richard and not let other assholes decide her life for her. A part of her also understands that a guy willing to justify any atrocity for the good of his people is not someone she should be boning. In the end she makes clear that her decisions don't involve her and Magneto swapping body fluids. He seems to understand, but he doesn't give the impression that he's taken her pussy out of his list of priorities. It's a solid resolution, but not one that's absolute. So the potential for more of this stomach churning bullshit is still there, but far more tolerable and nothing a few shots of tequila and NyQuil can't fix.

Since Mike Carey's glory days on this series, X-men Legacy has been Rogue's journey. She's gone through her share of growth, drama, and tampons. She's one of the X-men's heavy hitters and this series has been a constant reminder why. But the Magneto relationship is like finding gay porn under Chuck Norris's bed. It's a rather disturbing aspect of an otherwise badass journey. Never-the-less, Christos Gage went out of his way to lay this shit to rest in this issue. And for that, my stomach and I thank him.

But this issue did more than just assure readers that they wouldn't have to endure any more thoughts of Magneto's wrinkly ball sack slapping against Rogue's chin. It showed how Rogue's journey had evolved. She's now in a very different place compared to where she was after Schism. She's at a crossroads in her life and ready to make her own decisions instead of letting others decide for her with some trying to snake their way into her panties. It also reminds readers that Magneto is still a tool who will justify all his bullshit under the guise of doing what's best for his people. He's not the kind of guy you want to bone sober and Rogue seems to finally understand that even if it took her way too fucking long. Even if these revelations were painfully obvious and long overdue, at least they've finally been addressed.

This alone makes the issue satisfying, but what definitely helps is the added drama of the gay couple that never got to say goodbye. If you're a registered Republican, it'll probably disgust you. But if you don't have that kind of evil in your heart, it'll add some extra emotion to the mix. Is it contrived? Fuck yes. But does it matter? Fuck no. The premise of this comic wasn't built around an epic struggle. It was a personal journey and each element linked up nicely in the end. For that I give X-men Legacy #274 a 3.5 out of 5.

So it's almost over. Just one issue left of X-men Legacy before the big non-reboot! Rogue is on her way to joining Uncanny Avengers while Magneto is on his way to justifying his next great atrocity. It's an exciting time for the X-books. Fuck Avengers vs. X-men and bring in Marvel NOW! Just leave out the cat people dongs. Nuff said!