X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #268 - Ball Busting Awesome

What is it about tough, mean women that could snap your neck with their twat if they were so inclined? For most high school, I actively avoided the individuals I knew were capable of kicking my ass. It's simple human nature. You see someone you know can beat the shit out of you and you're biologically wired to clench your asshole and sprint full speed in the opposite direction. But for some reason, the women I knew were capable of kicking my ass every bit as well as the starting linebacker of the football team with anger management issues often drew me in like Homer Simpson to a chocolate factory. And I know I'm not alone. I would make an educated guess that tough women account for new fewer than 30 percent of all masturbatory fantasies by sexually frustrated young men. It's not healthy and it's horribly impractical to want to bone a woman that could snap your dick off if you gave her a reason. Yet for the same reason that women want to fuck the motorcycle gang members with neck tattoos and outstanding arrest warrants, men want to fuck the tough girls.

X-men Legacy has it's share of tough, hard-nosed women that will make your balls shrivel and your dick harden at the same time. It's confusing to the body, but like rubbing cocaine into an open wound you just can't help but enjoy it. One character that has really grown into a world class scrotum slayer is Frenzy. I admit before Age of X I didn't know shit about Frenzy. But Mike Carey with the help of Cyclops's penis made her relevant. Since then, she's become awesome in a way that gives X-men Legacy a distinct flare. She's still as mean and as tough as she was when she was an Acolyte, but now she's the equivalent of that hardass gym instructor at the Jean Grey Institute that all the students dread and all the boys work into their S&M fantasies.

So far, Frenzy has played a small yet memorable role in the events of Avengers vs. X-men. While she didn't run off with the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff to take on the Avengers, she was the one that picked a fight with the Avengers snooping around the school by talking trash. Like Ray Lewis stuck in traffic, her mouth might as well be an omega level mutation. She ignited the fight at the Jean Grey Institute and that battle led more X-men into the conflict. So what does she do now that the Phoenix Force has arrived and set up shop in five X-men? Aside from soaking her panties at the sight of a cosmic Cyclops, that's part of the story behind X-men Legacy #268.

This issue marks the first tie-in of X-men Legacy after the events of Avengers vs. X-men #5. Now armed with the Phoenix Force, the Phoenix Five as they are now called (still sounds like a gay European boy band) have started making their mark on the world. And by making their mark, I mean carving it out onto the scrotum of the whole planet while they all kick and scream. Their first decree as the new harbors of god-like power...outlaw war. I admit I would first decree free boob jobs for all women and free penile implants for men, but that's just me. We see first hand how the Phoenix Five travel to war torn parts of the world and forcibly get people to stop fighting that simply don't know any other way to kill a boring afternoon. X-men Legacy opens up in Africa where some renegade militias think women and children are target practice and rape is an Olympic sport (I only wish that was a joke). So it's actually really refreshing to see the Phoenix Five come in and tell them to cut that shit out and find better ways to occupy their time. Maybe start a softball team or something.

But as powerful as the Phoenix Five are, they can't cleanse an entire continent of violence, war, and shit that goes boom. Some tenacious douche-bags will find a way to cling to their guns, not unlike republicans in Texas. This is what the Stepford Cuckoos explain to Frenzy as she's flown over an undisclosed part of Africa that might as well be Jeffery Dahlmer's backyard. She's told to land in Africa, hunt down the assholes that insist on spitting in the face of the Phoenix Five when they say no more war, and make them wish they weren't born with testicles. It's an easy enough job for Frenzy, but as soon as she lands in an impoverished African village she comes across a hulked out militiaman beating the shit out of his wife. While I've been accused of disrespecting women in the past, there's some shit even I'm not fucked up enough to smell. Frenzy doesn't care for it either and seeing this brings up the first of many flashbacks that reveal that (and I know this may shock many of you) the father that raised this future acolyte of Magneto was kind of a dick.

Frenzy is not gentle with the man. She grabs his arms, breaks them, and emasculates him in a way that could be patented as part of sexual reassignment surgery. I always take a perverse pleasure in seeing villains like Dr. Doom, Thanos, and Loki get humiliated by superheroes. But I get multi-orgasmic when guys who probably exist in the real world to some degree get the fuck beat out of them by a beautiful woman with more muscle in her labia than most men have in their entire bodies. The man clearly doesn't appreciate it or the new order of peace that the Phoenix Five are imposing, but that's his problem and if he thinks he can defy a cosmic force than more power to him. It just means his ass gets torched that much faster.

Thanks to Frenzy's little lesson in combating spousal abuse, the women who she spared a round of Rick James foreplay decides to help Frenzy track the rest of the militia. That's pretty bold for a woman with no superpowers and is less equipped to take on a militia than a group pf stoned hippies. Along the way she tries to get to know Frenzy. Because who doesn't want to know more about a woman that can snap the bones of any man that dares question how undercooked the meatloaf is? She quickly surmises that she has some experience with overbearing men that love to beat the shit out of women. At least women (well, those not living in countries run by religious nuts) can divorce a husband. You can't divorce a father and he just happens to be the asshole that taught Frenzy how to take a punch.

Most of the hunt for the militia base turns into one long strong of flashbacks. They really offer nothing to the mission that's supposed to contribute to the ongoing is supposed to be ongoing events surrounding Avengers vs. X-men and the Phoenix Five. They just tell more of Frenzy's backstory. That's not a bad thing though. Frenzy is one of those characters who has been in the X-books since fucking 1986 when Michael Jackson was still somewhat black yet her life has never been explored. It's rather odd timing to do it now, but I guess being on the hunt for a bunch of women-beating militiamen is as appropriate a time as any.

The story isn't too radical. Hell, some of it could be a template for an old episode of Jerry Springer. Frenzy came from a military family. Her father was pissed off that he couldn't beat the shit out of his drill sergeant so he took it out on her. He also didn't care for girls in the family. He saved all his pride for his son, who ended up getting himself killed while serving. Like any rational man with a drinking problem, Frenzy's father took it out on her. At this point, Frenzy didn't care for that shit anymore. Her powers manifested and the first thing she did with them is punch a hole right through her father's chest. It's the kind of shit most girls can only fantasize about every time their father takes away their cell phone or refuses to let them wear a thong to school. It looks hardcore, but it's a bit cliched. So Frenzy is pissed off because her dead was an asshole. It's an age old excuse that Freud himself loved to explore when he wasn't doing massive amounts of cocaine. It's gripping in some ways, but not very unique. When a comic character's origin seems ripped from an old Snoop Dogg album, it's just not that memorable.

Once the flashbacks are over, Frenzy and her guide, Angelique, find the milita base where all the guns and war-loving douche-bags are holding up. The action here is pretty standard. They start shooting. Frenzy brushes them aside. Then she busts their balls. It's as exciting as it sounds. Don't get me wrong. It's satisfying to see a bunch of woman-beating, gun-toating militiamen get their asses kicked. It just isn't all that flashy or well-developed. It does have one memorable moment though. Just as Frenzy is in a position to rip the head off another testosterone-loving thug, she sees Angelique's reaction. And rather than finish the job, she lets the guy mull over the collapse of his scrotum. It can be seen as both an act of compassion and cruelty. It also shows that Frenzy, despite her history, isn't the complete asshole her father tried to beat into her. That along with the power of Cyclops's penis makes her a hero.

In the end she succeeds with her mission. She destroys the militia and their guns. She then meets up with the Cuckoos, who plan to warp the minds of the militia and the people they ravaged. While Frenzy has no problem with them mind-raping a bunch of heartless thugs (I don't either to be honest), she tells them to not make anyone in the villiage forget. She gives this seemingly honorable speech about how the trauma they suffered is something that should be remembered because it's part of who they are. It seems to make sense, but I have a big fucking problem with that.

We all experience trauma in our lives. Some is worse than others. Sometimes it involves being caught by your grandmother with a box of tissues, a bottle of hand lotion, and a Sears catalog (my grandmother didn't care for Victoria's Secret). Sometimes it involves living in a world where being shot at, raped, and blown up are a fact of life. It's the kind of fucked up trauma that need not be remembered. I know some say it builds character. I say it builds character in the same way tequila builds hand-eye coordination. If this issue was supposed to have a special message about learning from experiences, it's a fucked up lesson. There are experiences and there are traumas. We can do without one, but not the other and it shouldn't take a drunk like me to figure out which.

Like a French hooker that hasn't shaved in a year, I won't beat around the bush. This issue didn't really contribute much to the grand scheme of things for Avengers vs. X-men. While it did nicely factor in the events of Avengers vs. X-men #5, it was essentially an isolated story that was mixed with a character story. Don't get me wrong. That's not a bad thing. Frenzy is a character that really hasn't been fleshed out despite her recent rise to prominence, courtesy of Cyclops's penis. The backstory here is fairly solid. We find out where Frenzy came from, why she's so pissed off all the time, and why she doesn't hesitate to beat the shit out of testosterone junkie douche-bags with guns. There's a nice little moment at the end as well, but it falls a bit hallow when you smoke a few joints and really think about it.

In terms of tie-ins, X-men Legacy has been a mixed performer compared to the other X-books. Recent issues have been pretty solid and this one definitely had the potential to be, but it just falls a bit flat. Frenzy's tough history feels a bit cliched. Having an abusive dad and wanting to kick his ass isn't much of a superhero origin story. It's every third episode of Dr. Phil. Christos Gage still manages to make it compelling enough for readers to wan to care about Frenzy. It's a personal story that is essentially a minute snippet of the greater changes the Phoenix Five are making. While it's an important story to tell, it just comes off as too predictable in some areas and too rushed in others.

It's still a solid book that still fits into Avengers vs. X-men, albeit loosely. If you're a fan of Frenzy or just like reading about women who can crush your balls with her eyelids, you'll find plenty to enjoy about this book. The action is a bit light while the personal elements are fairly enjoyable at the very least. It's a book you could probably skip and not miss a beat with the rest of the Avengers vs. X-men event. It's still a solid enough read to help pass time while your taking a shit. I give X-men Legacy #268 a 3 out of 5. Make no mistake. Frenzy is a kick-ass character and it's only now that she's starting to realize her potential. The over-bloated balls of every douche-bag with a penis should take notice. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #267 - Hulked Out Awesome

There are some women out there that look hot no matter what they do. You could have a picture of Natalie Portman and Pamela Anderson taking a shit in a gas station restroom and chances are it'll still give most men a boner. The women of Marvel comics and pretty much all comics for that matter are usually more stacked than Jenna Jameson and more ripped than Janet Jackson on steroids. And it's not just the women either, if only to appease the angry feminists among fanboys and fangirls. As men like Namor have shown, comic characters are designed with the intent to tighten pants or soak panties or both if you're a hermaphrodite. So the range with which they can flaunt their hotness is pretty broad and Rogue is among those characters that finds many novels ways with which to enduce boners and bad fanfiction.

X-men Legacy has showcased Rogue's hotness on more than one occasion and in more than one way. That hotness has taken a few serious blows lately after she developed a wrinkly scrotum fetish and shacked up with Magneto. However, she's been earning her way back into the perverted fantasies of fanboys everywhere under Christos Gage as he has taken her role to the Jean Grey Institute. She continues to flaunt her power and press plenty of buttons along the way, so much so that she's earned a place on Wolverine's shit-list right below Cyclops and just above watered down whiskey. During the events of Avengers vs. X-men, she seems to be making an effort to pull back to some extent. She was among Jean Grey Institute staff who chose to stay out of the shit storm that is Avengers vs. X-men, opting to protect their students and teach them new coping methods for dealing with the world coming to an end every other week. Weed and Angry Birds works for me, but then again I'm not a teacher.

This pacifist approach lasted all but a few pages because the Avengers decided it was a good idea to fly She-Hulk, Moon Knight, and Falcon to the Jean Grey Institute and essentially watch over them like that guy in a bar you know is somehow related to the girl you're trying to bang and is just waiting for the right opportunity to cut off your balls with a broken beer bottle. For any number of reasons, the X-men had a problem with this. So Frenzy came out and started trash-talking with Moon Night like Rex Ryan does before every game against the Patroits. The Avengers end up throwing the first punch. Rogue tries to break it up, but then some of the students get caught in the crossfire and that's the point where they give the finger to pacifism and start the arduous process of expelling the Avengers from the Jean Grey Institute. And they didn't even need to hide blow in their locker.

X-men Legacy #267 ditches the trash talk and gets right to the fighting. There's no aside. There's no recap and no inner musing over how they got to this point. It's just Rogue, Mimic, and Gambit taking on She-Hulk, Falcon, and Moon Knight in a fight that I'm sure beats the shit out of any class minus a sex ed class by Emma Frost. It's pretty standard, yet well drawn. But what really throws you off is the sudden appearance of Iron Man. In Avengers vs. X-men #4, he was busy at Stark Tower trying to come up with a technological solution for their little cosmic problem. Now he just ditches this very important project to join a fight at a school? I mean I know the man thinks with his dick and liver more often than he should, but fuck. Even I'm not drunk enough to overlook that and I've put a few transexual hookers through college.

The fight is pretty basic and pretty standard at first. Mimic, who only recently joined the Legacy cast, carries himself like the first guy who ever fought Mike Tysons. He gets his ass kicked by Falcon, which forces Rogue from the hot girl-on-girl action she has going on with She-Hulk to help him out. On behalf of all heterosexual men with functioning dicks, I protest. But she does get another power out of it, namely Falcon's. She uses it to sick some birds on to disorient him before she introduces his hedonistic ass to her knee. Then she goes back to fighting She-Hulk, which is really the only fight with substance to it. And by substance I mean just two super-strong women beating the shit out of each other. Is it shallow? Will it piss off feminists everywhere? Fuck yes on both counts, but it's still entertaining.

With the way this battle is unfolding, it's easy to forget that it's unfolding right on the front lawn of the Jean Grey Institute so naturally others are going to take notice. Most of the students are probably watching and filming it with their camera phones to upload to youtube in hopes of making Epic Mealtime money. Others like Kitty Pryde see a fight that the X-men are losing and as co-headmaster, it's her job to at least try and tip the balance. It's actually quite a shift since Kitty Pryde hasn't done much since swapping spit with Iceman and shitting an alien Brood army out of her twat in Wolverine and the X-men. But it's nice to get additional X-men involved, especially those who seem to have been ignored in other books.

Kitty doesn't enter the battle fast enough to prevent Rogue from making a very costly and very stupid mistake. You would think that someone with absorption powers would know not to try and absorb the powers and mind of someone with a history of mental illness and piss poor coping skills. But that's exactly what Rogue does with Moon Knight. This is the same guy who in the last issue was taunted into making an ass of himself by Frenzy's trash talk. So when Rogue absorbs him, she starts hearing the kind of conflicting thoughts that would make Deadpool squeal with joy and maybe give him a boner or two. It has the makings of a great inner struggle, but the details are extremely light and not very compelling if you've seen a woman get extremely pissed off and frustrated before. If you haven't, then grab your wooden stick and go back to your cave in the mountain because you've evolved beyond the need for comics and women.

The whole absorbing a deranged mind doesn't cause much conflict aside from reminding Gambit that he badly wants to bone Rogue. It only further pisses her off and gives her another excuse to bunch Iron Man in the chest. Wait...didn't she already do that earlier? Actually, she just kicked him. But the impact is pretty much the same. Rogue is in Hulk form so that means that she's going to get angry, strong, and relentless. In that sense she's a lot like January Jones with PMS.

While it's always fun seeing Rogue kick ass, it's starting to become apparent at this point that there's really not much to it. At least in the previous issue, the X-men were given a reason to fight when the Avengers roughed up some of the Jean Grey Institute students. Those students were barely touched on here aside from showing them returning to the school. There's no talk aside from the standard "I shall beat you in ways that will make you feel like 15-year-old's dick after he discovers internet porn!" It's the kind of battle that fits in nicely with the Avengers vs. X-men VS series, but this X-men Legacy damn it! A little purpose behind the brawling would definitely go a long ways.

The battle doesn't really change that much once Kitty Pryde gets involved. She tries to run in and phase through Iron Man's armor to short it out. She didn't contemplate for a second that a guy smart enough to build a suit of armor and fuck every Maxim cover model since 2002 wouldn't be smart enough to have effective counter-measures. And yet she's the one teaching at a fucking school. What kind of message is this sending to her students? That thinking an attack through is for pussies? That guys with too much money and free time will find ways of countering your every attack? I've given many mixed messages to kids regarding substance abuse, dating, and sex. Even I try to teach more common sense than that. Again, all it does is piss Rogue off even more. Seeing a pattern yet?

That pattern finally culminates with Rogue going full hulk on the Avengers. It's like Hulk's strength having dirty sex with Wolverine's berskerer rage and shitting out a super hot girl with green skin and a horrendous hormonal imbalance. The Avengers really don't stand a chance here. Again, if you like seeing Rogue this scene will put a smile on your face. If you're looking for a more profound story, stick to jerking off to 50 Shades of Gray. It's good eye-candy, but lousy story-telling. When it's over Rogue has successfully vented and manages to calm down just enough to realize that there's nothing left to smash. It's an overly simplistic way to end a battle and even if it works, it's still pretty bland.

Rather than shave the eyebrows off the Avengers and draw dicks on their faces, the X-men kindly put them back in their jet and program it to fly them home. Right, because keeping them around and tracking them for intel would just make too much sense. Not much else is said here. Gambit tries to get a little closer to Rogue to remind her that he still wants to fuck her, but there's little time for swapping body fluids. Rogue comes to the stirring conclusion that the X-men can't stay out of this battle with the Avengers. They have to play a part in this struggle. It makes sense, but should it really take an entire fucking issue to figure that out? I would argue there are more efficient ways to have such an epiphany, but they involve magic mushrooms and I suppose Rogue's method involves killing fewer brain cells.

When a woman gets angry it has the potential to be either a great porno or the first shot of World War IV. Giving Rogue hulk powers and pitting her against the Avengers is effective in creating an eventful brawl that you can still masturbate to, albeit with the aid of a turkey baster (if you don't know how then you obviously don't watch enough internet porn). It's also effective in continuing the struggle that began in the last issue. It's not unlike how the brawls in other tie-ins like Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men have unfolded. Unfortunately, this issue lacks something many of the other tie-ins have at least attempted. It lacks adding some actual plot to the battle. I'm not saying the battles have to be a fucking metaphor in a Chinese proverb. But it would be nice if the struggle in this issue did more than just turn Rogue green and help her realize that they need to fuck with the Avengers if they don't stop fucking with the X-men.

It certainly didn't help that some of the details of the battle were pretty inconsistent. Like where the fuck did Iron Man come from? Even if that's addressed in another tie-in, this is one instance where at least a reference would be helpful. And while Christos Gage was able to mix things up a bit by showing Rogue learning first hand why you shouldn't absorb the mind of a mentally unstable basket case like Moon Knight. Aside from pissing her off more and giving Gambit an opportunity to weave his way back into her panties, it really didn't amount to much. It was too predictable if not downright bland.

I didn't hate this issue, but I wasn't all that entertained by it either. Compared to Wolverine and the X-men #11, which actually did help fill in a sizable plot hole in the Avengers vs. X-men story, this didn't do anything aside from give the Jean Grey Institute staff more reasons to side with their fellow X-men. Then again, it wasn't like that shit was ever in doubt. Hell, it would have been more interesting if at least some on the team entertained the notion that helping Hope take on the Phoenix Force was a shitty idea. For some reason, that didn't happen. While the spectacle was nice and all, in an event full of spectacles it might as well be wet fart in a forest of assholes. I give X-men Legacy #267 a 2.5 out of 5. If you have a fetish for hot women with green skin, then this comic will give you something to jerk off to. If not, it's just something to read while taking a shit and not much else. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #266 - Provoking Awesome

I tend to respect differences, no matter how fucked up they may be. It's not just because I'm an overall understanding person. It's just hard to give too much of a shit when you're drunk or stoned. I suppose that's why I find it so easy to enjoy comics that involve characters constantly butting heads about little things, big things, ugly things, sexy things, and pretty much every other kind of things. That's what makes for kick-ass stories. Sometimes those disagreements and divides make for some pretty chaotic stories, so much so that you need GPS and a Native American tracking guide to keep up. I'm at an advantage because I've been following these comics so closely that if you gave me some snow and got me drunk enough, I could paint out a detailed timeline with my piss. Not everyone has that kind of talent or that kind of attention span so at times, it's easy to get lost.

Therein lies the problem with tie-in issues. Since Avengers vs. X-men began, it's weaved it's slithery tentacles into every major ongoing for Avengers and X-men like the IRS in Willie Nelson's finances. For casual readers, you'll get more lost than a blind transvestite at a male strip club. I understand Marvel tries their best to make their books accessible to new and lapsed readers. I also understand they try their best make each issue fit together in a coherent story, tie-ins and all. Well like even the best lesbian porno, you can't have your pussy and eat it too. You have to sacrifice one for the other. Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men both took the plunge into the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Now it's X-men Legacy's turn.

For the most part, X-men Legacy has only loosely followed the events at the Jean Grey Institute as they're laid out in Wolverine and the X-men. It tends to follow it's own plot and highlight it's own set of characters, usually following Rogue and finding ways for her to fantasize about Magneto's wrinkly ball sack. The last brief arc brought Mimic into the mix. It was the last story before X-men Legacy was set to join the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Unlike Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men, it comes after a few issues so it's a bit late to the party. If you're following one issue to the next, you'll probably be left scratching your head and questioning the potency of the weed you bought. I'm here to tell you know that you shouldn't do either. X-men Legacy is still it's own book, but for Avengers vs. X-men it has to be more flexible than a Chinese contortionist.

The events of X-men Legacy #266 take place after the events of Avengers vs. X-men #3 and Wolverine and the X-men #10. If you don't want to get completely confused, you kind of have to read Wolverine and the X-men #3. I normally don't like it when reading an issue of one series requires that you read an issue of a completely different series, but given the circumstances and the scale of Avengers vs. X-men it's understandable. The important facts to gather from Wolverine and the X-men is the decision by some of the Jean Grey Institute's staff to go along with Cyclops and fight with him against the Avengers. This issue takes place during some stretch of time before that issue ends (and since time is so fucked up in comics, I won't even try to rant about it). Rogue is addressing the staff, letting them know that shit is going down between the Avengers and X-men and they're probably going to get caught in the crossfire. They all are given a decision to go with Cyclops or stay at the school. Only Rachel and Iceman go, as was shown in Wolverine and the X-men #10. The rest just figure they'll stay at the school, hope the world doesn't blow up, and listen to teenage kids complain. I guess teaching teenagers has a way of hardening people to the end of the world.

Rogue and the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff do their best to pretend that the Phoenix is not on it's way to scorch the Earth. They continue teaching their class of students who probably have iphones and internet access, so they know what's going on. They know whatever bullshit algebra test they're being taught probably won't mean dick if the world is reduced to ashes, but like any dispassionate teacher that spends too much time working with snot-nosed teenagers the staff doesn't bat an eye. It's a significant exercise in ignorance is bliss, but ignorance has a shitty track record when the truth is practically thrust into the mix. In the middle of class, a team of Avengers consisting of Falcon, Moon Knight, and She Hulk show up at the steps of the institute. Even if the students aren't worried about the world being torched by the Phoenix Force, it still beats the shit out of algebra.

The students are told to stay inside while some of the institute staff members go out to greet their unwelcome guests. It's actually not quite as tense as it looks. Unlike Captain America in Avengers vs. X-men #1, these Avengers didn't show up with a fucking helicarrier at their back (possibly because Colossus destroyed it but that's besides the point). So their sincerity carries a bit more weight when they say they're not looking to pick a fight. Falcon calmly explains that even though the Jean Grey Institute took no part in the battle and took no sides, the Avengers are suspicious of them and want to keep an eye on them. It's like the CIA spying on a mosque that has done absolutely nothing, minus the illegal wiretapping. It gets pretty tense and there's some pretty blatant trash talking. Kitty Pryde tells them outright they're not welcome in the school, but they're welcome to stay back and count piles of dog shit outside the boundaries of the school if they want. The Avengers clearly don't like it, but they don't blindly pick a fight.

This is quite a shift from the events of Avengers vs. X-men or even the events of Wolverine and the X-men that this book play off of. It doesn't rush into a fight the way it did in Avengers vs. X-men, nor does it throw meaningless dialog into the mix like Wolverine and the X-men. Christos Gage does a great job of developing the tension here and he adds an element of drama when he shows the X-men's reluctant to pick a fight in front of their students. It doesn't just show a little heart. It shows the lingering difference between Cyclops's X-men and Wolverine's X-men.

While the two sides part without exchanging any bear-knuckle handshakes, Frenzy decides to linger a bit. Unlike the other X-men, she doesn't have a history of turning the other cheek. She used to be part of Magneto's crew of mutant terrorists. It wasn't until the power of Cyclops's penis pacified her that she gave the peaceful methods of the X-men a shot. That doesn't mean she's still okay with taking shit from the same heroes that used to want to lock her up. She essentially makes it clear that if they're going to watch them, then they're going to return the favor. If they cross a certain line, shit is going to go down. It further adds to the tension, but unlike the X-men Frenzy is okay with that.

Naturally the presence of big name superheroes looking for a reasons to bust up more mutants draws plenty of attention. While Rogue and the institute staff try to get class going again, Frenzy stays outside and continues her tirade of trash talk. Even Gambit tells her that just holding their ground in the institute is still asking for trouble. He suspects the Avengers are expecting to pick a fight. Frenzy certainly doesn't help this when she starts provoking Moon Knight, criticizing him for being the same thug she once was. It's the kind of trash talk you don't see in normal X-men that weren't once batting for the bad guys. It makes for far more engaging dialog than the shit that dragged on in Wolverine and the X-men. It becomes even more engaging when Moon Knight finally snaps and throws the first punch. That officially makes them the aggressors and now the X-men are the ones who have an excuse to respond.

Nothing rallies a team better than the mentality that they're being bullied. Since the Institute staff failed miserably at restoring order, the students at the Jean Grey Institute saw the whole incident play out. As far as they're concerned, Frenzy was just talking to Moon Knight about the whether when he decided to smack her around. As the battle erupts and Frenzy tries to defend herself, some of the students led by Hellion run out and attempt to back her up. It's not a fair fight by even the most retarded measures. These are students in ugly ass uniforms. They're taking on three seasoned Avengers. It's a fight that shouldn't last very long and it doesn't. One quick mega clap from She-Hulk and the three students are subdued and not in a very humane way either. In fact, she fucking injures them pretty bad. She say she didn't mean to, but She-Hulk is a fucking lawyer by trade. She of all people should know that the law is very clear when it comes to overpowering adults beating up on kids.

This makes for a very different kind of battle compared to what has been seen in other Avengers vs. X-men books. In the main story, the X-men were the ones striking the first blow. Cyclops was the one that stood his ground when Captain America came and demanded they turn over their mutant messiah. This time the Avengers are the ones that threw the first punch. They didn't have to make it a big spectacle, but then they had to go and beat up on the students who like most stupid teenagers will throw themselves into a conflict without thinking. It shows the Avengers as bullies in this instance, which makes for a very different battle.

That battle, unfortunately, doesn't get much time to unfold. When Rogue sees what She-Hulk did to the students, she ditches the whole keeping-the-peace bullshit. When someone roughs up her students, she roughs them up. So without giving She-Hulk a chance to explain herself, Rogue pulls her absorption trick and becomes muscular and green. Yet somehow she still looks incredibly hot. Maybe that's just because I pulled a groin muscle fucking a woman that was a part time body builder (amongst other things), but it's a great moment that begins the big fight between the Avengers and the Jean Grey Institute staff. The only problem is that's all it does. The comic ends before we can see much fighting. I get that cliffhangers are a part of the business, but when they feel this abrupt they're annoying as hell.

In my Wolverine and the X-men #10 review, I complained how it was mostly talk and very little action. I don't mind lots of dialog in a comic so long as it has depth. This issue had more action and a lot of talking, but both had a certain level of depth that made it engaging. Christos Gage actually tops Jason Aaron for once in setting up a conflict without being too basic or overly subtle. When the small contingent of the Avengers arrive at the Jean Grey Institute, it doesn't immediately erupt into mindless brawl. Gage actually builds towards it, having Frenzy flaunt that coarse personality that only Cyclops's penis was able to tame in Age of X. Eventually, that taunting turned to punches and after that first punch is thrown, there's no more need to build up. Asses need to be kicked and that's all there is to it.

This issue does a much better job of making the conflict more engaging. It's still a bit choppy at times. The biggest issue is how the story was set up. This issue enters the Avengers vs. X-men conflict long after it's already begun. The first few pages are basically spent reminding readers in a very vague sort of way what's happened. And while Rogue and Frenzy's moments are solid, the Avengers cast really isn't given all that much. They seem overlooked until one of them throws a punch. I know this is an X-men book and the X-men are going to get favor by default, but leaves the issue feeling somewhat imbalanced. In addition, it leaves the reader hanging way too much at the end. We only get to see the beginning of a fight and not a fight itself. While that does make for a nice cliffhanger, it also makes for an abrupt and frustrating end that may leave some readers banging their heads against the wall and/or nearby liquor bottles.

X-men Legacy has always been awesome in it's own unique style. It manages to maintain that style even as it works its way into Avengers vs. X-men, but by coming in this late it really doesn't leave the kind of impact one would hope. I get that Wolverine and the X-men and Uncanny X-men are more prominent titles, but that doesn't mean X-men Legacy can't contribute. Christos Gage does a good job of setting the stage in this issue. It just ends way too abruptly and doesn't feel complete enough. Therefore, I give X-men Legacy #266 a 4 out of 5. This issue has more than talking. It has the kind of trash talk that would get most NFL players fined and/or suspended. Plus, it has two hot women with green skin fighting. You can't get that shit anywhere else outside of a Tijuana donkey show. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #263 - Making A Point (of Awesome)

Whenever I review X-men Legacy, I tend to be too harsh or too easy. I can be harsh because Mike Carey set such a high bar of excellence. It's like trying to go out drinking with Homer Simpson. There's a certain expectation of quality. The quality of a drunk is not unlike the quality of a comic, minus the hangovers and blackouts. It can leave an indelible impact and not just on your liver. X-men Legacy is an X-book with some pretty heavy hitters with characters like Rogue, Rachel Grey, Gambit, and Frenzy. It has no excuses for not meeting that level of quality and at times it does skew my perspective when I assess an issue, but I always try to be honest...honesty being proportional to my booze intake of course.

X-men Legacy is still settling after the events of X-men Regenesis. Rogue, Gambit, Frenzy and the rest of the Legacy crew minus Magneto are adjusting to their roles as the main staff/security guards for the Jean Grey Institute. They've already had to fight off a demon invasion, which in most jobs would have a pretty high turnover. But that's just another day at the office for the Jean Grey institute. In this arc, the Jean Grey Institute has to content with an overly motivated Exodus. In addition to being a mutant with a ridiculous amount of power, Exodus also had way too much free time on his hands. In that time he determined that the mutant race was rowing downstream off a waterfall into an ocean of pure shit. The whole schism that divided the X-men has left the entire mutant race vulnerable and since he's got so much power to go along with his oversized balls, he's going to fix that. First, he tried forcing the Jean Grey Institute to make amends with Cyclops's team. He might as well have tried to get Pat Robertson and Richard Dawkins to get along. When that failed, he figured in his less than infinite wisdom that he was going to kill Cyclops. This forced Wolverine, Rogue, and the rest of the institute staff to chase him down. It only ended up with Exodus kicking their asses again. It looked to be a pretty bloody brawl. Then Hope Summers, the Lights, and some New Mutants showed up and ass fucked the circumstances to a new bloody level.

Now why is this a big fucking deal? Well if you read Schism (and you damn well ought to if you're going to call yourself an X-men fan) you'll know that one of the many things that Cyclops did to piss Wolverine off was to use young mutants in the field of battle. It's not quite as egregious as getting to bone Jean Grey, but it was right up there. The way he saw it, kids shouldn't be in battles against assholes like Exodus. And he has a valid point. Kids should be worrying about school, getting laid, and avoiding negative influences from guys like me. But in the first few pages of X-men Legacy #263, Hope Summers shows that being a mutant and being a kid sort of fucks up that which seems logical. Seeing as how Wolverine's side was getting their asses handed to them by Exodus, a little humility was in order from the fucking mutant messiah.

While Wolverine is pissed once again at Cyclops for reasons that don't involve him sticking it to Jean Grey, it doesn't stop the little mutant messiah that looks like Jean Grey from making a difference early on in the fight against Exodus. It's not clear if she taps a bit of that Phoenix power that's threatening to pit the Avengers against the X-men, but given the level of douche-baggery that Exodus has unleashed it's more than appropriate. But beyond the flare, there's still a debate going on between punches. Wolverine and even Rogue are trying to tell Hope and the kids to pull back, but neither Hope nor her comrades are willing to do so. Hope says that Cyclops and the Extinction team were busy with another extinction event and couldn't bother to be distracted by some wannabe unifier whose last name isn't Obama. So they're stuck working with kids. And while it clearly pisses Wolverine off in ways that only a whiskey shortage could come close to, he and the rest of the Legacy crew have to accept that.

Armed with Hope's messiah-level firepower, they finally start roughing Exodus up in a way that effectively silences him from more shitty preaching. If only Kirk Cameron was so easy to silence. The entire Legacy crew gets involved. Wolverine gets in some stabs. Rogue throws in a some Cannonball fueled body shots. Everyone else surround him like the kid in the playground with the most lunch money and the least amount of muscle mass. What follows is a bombardment of ass-kicking of many different varieties from many different angles. It's a glorious sight and immensely satisfying given how big a douche-bag Exodus has been over the course of the past few issues. The combined efforts of the Legacy crew and Hope's crew effectively shut his ass up like one of Vladamir Putin's political rivals.

As satisfying as this scene is, there is a problem with it. It's too damn short. Don't get me wrong, it has all the flash and flare you want in a big ass fight scene. The problem is that while it looks big, it doesn't feel big. What I mean by that is while characters like Hope, Rogue, and Wolverine all contribute, everyone else does pretty much nothing. Some don't even talk. I get that it's hard to squeeze everyone into the mix, but it really doesn't feel like over half of the characters involved really contributed. The scene could have been drawn out longer. It could have had a few more glorious details, but it didn't. It just ended too quickly before the awesome could be milked from every character. It's a tragedy almost on par with running out of ketchup at a Five Guys.

When the end comes in an all too quick manner, Exodus looks more fucked up than Tom Hanks at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Yet he's still smiling and for good reason. He essentially proved his point to Wolverine and the rest of the X-men. He demonstrated that they couldn't handle him while they were divided. They still needed to go whining to Cyclops's team like a little girl whose brother just rubbed boogers in her face. It's not your typical boasting from a bad guy that just got his ass kicked. Exodus technically won by losing here. He proved his point and the X-men don't really have much ground with which to debate him. It's one of those deeper moments that result from a battle that is so distinctive in X-men Legacy. Mike Carey did a damn good job with it time and again. Now Christos Gage has done his share.

After Exodus is done waving his dick in the face of his enemies, Pixie and the rest of the Utopia crew teleport him back to Utopia where he can be safely imprisoned in the brig. Yes, it's the same brig from which Sebastian Shaw escaped, but it's not like the Jean Grey Institute is big on keeping prisoners outside of a math class. But before they go, Rogue and Wolverine do make one last impassioned plea to the kids of Utopia that they don't have to be soldiers. They can be normal kids. But in another compelling exchange, they make clear that they're okay with being soldiers. They understand that they can't be normal and if it means they end up as fucked up as Wolverine or Rogue, they're okay with that. While Schism ended quite a while ago, the scars from that event still linger and this moment serves as a compelling reminder of just how deep this divide runs.

Even though the Legacy crew effectively beat Exodus, they return to the Jean Grey Institute with their heads hung low and their balls partially deflated. It's especially bad for Rogue because in the last issue she was the one that stayed behind to call Utopia for backup. Wolverine told her specifically not to do that for reasons that were completely vindicated when kids showed up to save their asses. Whether it's because he's exceedingly pissed or just bitter about having to be saved by a bunch of kids, Wolverine effectively demotes Rogue on the spot. If he can't trust her to not go whining to Cyclops's side, then he can't trust her. It's the second time in recent years that Rogue has pissed on the trust given to her by her leaders. Even when she tries to do the right thing, the girl just can't win for losing.

If that weren't bad enough, her clam is still wet for Magneto. After being effectively dressed down in a way that doesn't make for good porno, Rogue mopes around a bit with Rachel. They have a brief chat about her, Magneto, and how she's not over her throbbing need to snorkel his chud. Rachel points out that she went to Utopia for backup with the hidden desire to see him again. She rightly points out how unhealthy and fucked up that is. She doesn't point out how unhealthy and fucked up it is to want to bang Magneto in the first place when she's got guys like Gambit around who want to also want to bang her. It essentially leaves the disgusting Rogue/Magneto plot exactly where it began with this arc, which is probably a good thing because the last thing this series needs is more scenes with Rogue shacking up with men four times her age.

While the victory is bittersweet, the rest of the students at the Jean Grey Institute emerge from lockdown to return to their semi-normal lives. Among them is blindfold, who was the first to sense Exodus at the beginning of this arc. It was her vision that set this brawl into motion and before the issue ends, we get another vision of just how fucked up everything still is. It serves as a reminder of sorts that while Exodus was defeated, Wolverine and his crew didn't win. They only proved Exodus right and Blindfold seems to agree with his sentiment that by not standing together, they're in for a world of shit. It may or may not be a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but it's hard to deny that if they had this much trouble with Exodus then they might as well start cooking their asses to serve as orderves for the Avengers when that conflict comes rolling around.

It's a pretty tense state of affairs for X-men Legacy crew. It's not enough that they were upstaged by a bunch of kids who in another reality were just learning to masturbate effectively and sneak into R-rated movies. They showed that the whole basis of the schism was not as solid as they once thought. The lines aren't as exact as they seemed. The younger mutants still had something to contribute and moreover, they needed to contribute. They proved Exodus right on some levels. By dividing the mutant race, they were all vulnerable as fuck. With Avengers vs. X-men on the horizon, that's not a nice state to be in. So in many ways this comic sort of acts as a warning to the other X-books. Their division may end up fucking them over in ways that'll leave them pretty vulnerable when the Phoenix Force comes knocking.

This issue sent a powerful message. It also had plenty of action and brawling to finish what the previous issue began. It was entertaining, but it fell flat in a few areas. The presence of Hope Summers, the Lights, and the New Mutants promised to be a major game-changer. But not much of it was realized. Hope Summers shined. Pixie shined as only a pink-haired elf-eared teenage girl could. But everyone else didn't do three quarters of a wet fart. The battle against Exodus was a spectacle that unfolded over the course of two issues. It didn't end with a whimper, but it left a bit too much potential on the table. While more dramatic elements like Rogue getting demoted and Blindfold's ominous vision helped add a few additional elements, in the end this issue just didn't feel as awesome as it could have been.

I still enjoyed this issue. Christos Gage has handled the many differing plots throughout X-men Legacy with skills that should make Mike Carey proud and relieved. That high level of quality that I mentioned earlier is still being met. X-men Legacy has it's own unique feel like Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men. That feel and tone was definitely flaunted in this issue in a way not unlike Jennifer Lopez flaunts her ass. It's a great book, but it leaves too much awesome on the table. It's too much JaMarcuss Russel and not enough Peyton Manning. But this comic still had nearly all the top tier elements of awesome that make it worthy of being a top tier book. With that in mind I give X-men Legacy #263 a 4.5 out of 5. You've got kids upstaging adults, religious nuts on a crusade, and Rogue's panties still getting wet over a man old enough to be her grandfather. It's either X-men Legacy or my last family reunion, but only one involves six kegs of booze. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #262 - Biblical Awesome

Usually when a character is grossly overpowered in a comic, they come off as more boring or bland than a speech by Al Gore when he's had several hits of Valium. Overpowered characters went out of style when people started realizing that the stories surrounding such characters were more predictable than Mitt Romey's hair style. There are only so many stories you can tell with a character than can literally punch his way out of anything whether it's an exploding planet or a parking ticket. So when an overpowered character like Exodus comes along, it usually means there's going to be a lot of fighting and a lot of trash talk. But you usually don't expect any existential elements that will make you question the inherent mysteries of the multiverse.

Yet Christos Gage managed to avoid that pitfall. In his previous issue of X-men Legacy, he brought Exodus back into the picture after being MIA for the last few years (presumably spending his free time fucking with Pat Robertson as I'm assuming that shit never gets old). Even though he's one of Magneto's former acolytes, he didn't show up at the Jean Grey Institute looking to bust their heads for not making him the school's official panty inspector. He showed up because he in his infinite wisdom had determined that the schism that divided the entire mutant race was going to destroy them all and he couldn't allow it. He was going to just ask Wolverine to work out his differences with Cyclops. He was telling him in the same way the IRS tells us that the income tax if voluntary. This led to a pretty elaborate and pretty awesome battle that ended with Exodus finding out the major details of what happened in Schism. He then determined that Wolverine's team wasn't the one he should be beating up. It was Cyclops that needed his ass kicked.

Now under less fucked up circumstances, I assume Wolverine would have no problem letting someone like Exodus slap Cyclops around a bit. If for no other reason than to wound him in a way that make-up sex with Emma Frost can't heal. However, Utopia is still full of kids that didn't join the Jean Grey Institute. While he still resents Cyclops, he and his team still have an obligation to stop Exodus. It's something that Rogue and Wolverine actually argue about in the first pages of X-men Legacy #262. It actually revisits the whole premise of what led the two teams to schis in the first place. Rogue wants to stay behind to warn Utopia. Wolverine wants to just go after Exodus since he lost his teleportation powers, once again due to Rogue. He just doesn't want Cyclops sending kids to take on someone like Exodus. But Rogue sees it differently. They both have very valid concerns and that's part of what makes the tension so very real. You usually don't get shit that real when a guy like Exodus is dicking around.

In an effort to avoid a very awkward reunion with Cyclops, Wolverine loads his team up in the Blackbird and flies them out in pursuit of Exodus before he can reach Utopia. Rogue later catches up with them via teleportation and right before they're about to crash into him no less. Makes me wonder if she was just holding back so she didn't have to listen to Wolverine bitch and moan about how much he hates the guy that married Jean Grey. Whatever her reason, she returns and even borrows Cannonball's powers to get the ball rolling on the battle. Even though Exodus was lightly drained in the previous issue, it still requires an all out assault just to stop him before he reaches his destination.

Some elements from other X-books were incorporated here, much to Gage's credit. He mentions the Jean Grey Institute's precarious financial situation, which makes crashing the jet into Exodus a financially unviable tactic. It's subtle, but it's one of those little things that goes a long ways in a book. Besides, it just means that Rogue has to teleport Wolverine and the others out into mid air where they wrestle Exodus out of the sky until he hits the ground in a meteor-like strike that would make Michael Bay cum in his pants. It's a nice way to get the ball rolling while showing everyone that there are more economically practical ways to take down an overpowered enemy without crashing expensive shit. The GOP candidates would do well to take notice.

Like Brett Favre after he breaks his ankle in the middle of a championship game, Exodus gets up and shakes off the impact. Wolverine and his team take not chances with this guy. They attack in full force, laying into him before he can get his second wind. Seeing as how he roughed them up pretty good in the last issue, they're due for a little payback. And this time it isn't just Rogue that shines. Others like Iceman demonstrate that he can use his powers for more than making nude ice sculptures of Jessica Alba, taking on a hulking ice form to help add a little force to his attacks. All the while Rachel has to hold back and use her telepathy to keep Exodus from mind-raping them into thinking their bodies had been anally probed to the point of paralysis. Again, it's one of those little elements that Gage hasn't really demonstrated to this point, but damn it if he makes it work.

That doesn't mean Exodus doesn't start hitting back at one point. He's on a holy mission damn it and like most religiously motivated crusades, he's not going to let a little thing like reason hold him back. He manages to hit Wolverine with a blast that burns most of the flesh from his bones. Granted, that probably happens to him at least once a week, but it does show that Exodus can hit back and look badass while doing it. But it isn't just the hitting that makes the battle engaging. There's actually some character development in the mix of it all if you can believe that.

Since it wasn't until recently that Frenzy became a major player in the X-books, it's easy to forget that she and Exodus were once on the same team. They were once professional douche-bags as Magneto's acolytes, doing his bidding and finding ways to screw over the X-men and the human race. But then Frenzy was converted due to the power of Cyclops's penis in Age of X. Exodus readily points out that such an experience made her soft and he wasn't just referring to her cooch. Frenzy responds both with a punch to the face and a reminder that right or wrong, Cyclops didn't bail on everybody. It's nice way of showing where Frenzy is as a character and how she's come to accept her new role with the X-men. It's a great moment even if it is subtle. But if you can't appreciate it, then I'm sorry but you need better weed.

Since Exodus doesn't know or care about the power of Cyclops's penis, he has little issue with roughing up his old teammate. But to his credit, Exodus doesn't just do it because he's annoyed by her changing sides. He actually does a little preaching Billy Graham style, only not as insane. He admits he failed the Acolytes and in order to make up for his failure, he wants to reunite the mutant race. He genuinely believes that their lack of unity will destroy them. It's not your typical I'm-a-badass-so-I'm-gonna-beat-the-shit-out-of-people-who-annoy-me type babble and that's a good thing. Even if his efforts have some merit, the X-men don't buy it. Since Gambit has shown a desire to tap Frenzy's ass, he uses his powers to blow up Exodus's cape. It may not slow Exodus down, but it may increase his chances of getting laid and that's just as important.

Despite this onslaught and eccentric preaching, Exodus once again proves he's as overpowered as Pat Robertson wishes he were. He's able to beat back the X-men and shatter Rachel's psychic defenses. This allows him to use his own psychic powers to paralyze the team. It's not unlike the last issue where Exodus demonstrated too much power and too much insanity, even for a guy with a biblically inspired name. At this point readers may once again be frustrated by how overpowered this guy is. I share your frustration, but I have booze to help me with that. If there's been one flaw in this eventful arc, it's that everything the X-men do pretty much amounts to dick because Exodus is just that strong.

However, this is where Gage throws in yet another twist. Remember that argument Wolverine and Rogue had at the beginning of the book? The one where Wolverine would rather take down Exodus before Cyclops could throw kids into the battle? Well it turns out he wasn't drunk or just dwelling on the fact that he never got to lick Jean Grey's tits. Before Exodus can kill the X-men with his rants about salvation for the mutant race, Utopia's backup arrives. However, it isn't the Extinction Team. It isn't the security team either. It's Generation Hope and a couple of the New Mutants. Yep, they're all kids who in another world would be obsessing over SATs. It's a twist that may or may not vindicate Wolverine's concern, but they may be their best hope against Exodus so it makes for a very volatile situation with which to end the comic.

An arc based entirely around the premise of fighting one overpowered character still seems like it shouldn't work. It's something most of us can get in the real world by watching a boxing match with Manny Pacio against some wannabe lightweight that's 40 pounds lighter than him. But Christos Gage once again manages to take this premise and turn it into a damn good story. It's a story that involves more than just Exodus whipping out his dick and showing everyone that dares question it's prowess how much it hurts to fuck with him. He's on a biblical quest, misguided it may be, to reunite the mutant race whether they like it or not. Being reasonable just doesn't work for him. Diplomacy is for pussies. It may make him friends with Iran, but not with the X-men. It led to some great dramatic moments and a surprise twist with the appearance of Generation Hope. It's definitely the kind of overpowered brawl that actually measures up in ways that go beyond who punches harder.

I usually have some criticisms with X-men Legacy regarding how Rogue is often over-utilized as a cure-all for everything that ails the X-men. I still think it's a problem with other arcs involving her, but in this instance that sort of overuse actually has a valid purpose. She needs to be that flexible power-draining babe that shows off her cleavage in order to measure up against Exodus. And she doesn't take on every aspect of the fighting. Other characters like Frenzy and Gambit and even Iceman manage to shine. However, Gage still hasn't filled in some of the plot holes from the last issue. We still don't know what led Exodus to take this crazy stance about mutant unity. He was just thrown into the mix. That and some of the other dramatic elements that were discussed in the last issue like with Rogue, Gambit, and Frenzy were pretty much forgotten. But most readers probably won't give a shit since the drawn out battle is so damn entertaining.

X-men Legacy has been in a transitional state for the past few issues. The end of Mike Carey's legendary run and the beginning of Christos Gage's run has been a volatile time for this series. For the most part, Gage has measured up respectfully. However, this is the first issue to date where he's really set himself apart. With this issue, he's delivered the kind of awesome for X-men Legacy that I thought would take a while to match after Mike Carey's departure. As such, his accomplishments with this issue are all the more respectable. That's why I give X-men Legacy #262 a 5 out of 5. It feels good to be this thrilled by an issue of X-men Legacy again. So long as it doesn't throw in too many scenes with Rogue shacking up with men four times her age, I think the future of this series is bright. Nuff said!