Announcement: No More Scanned Thoughts

For the past several months, I've been contemplating the future of this blog. I've been working on it for the past five years now, providing weekly reviews and offering my own colorful insight into comics. And I've enjoyed it. It's been a fun ride, adding a humorous twist to reviewing comic books. But at the same time, I feel as though the quality of my work has stagnated. It shows in the declining traffic coming to this blog. Now some of that might be my fault in that I'm just not providing enough quality material. But it's gotten to the point where it feels like I'm putting a lot of work into these reviews and getting nothing out of them. So as of now, I will no longer be doing reviews in the mold of Scanned Thoughts.

I know this is disappointing to some. For that, I apologize. However, I get the sense now that most people read my reviews just for the scans and not the content. It makes for a lot of work and not a lot of reward. So for now, it makes sense to end these reviews until I can figure out a better way of using this blog.

I will continue to submit reviews to PopMatters.com and I'll be posting those reviews here. I'll also be providing extended previews of upcoming issues to X-men Supreme, at least for now. But until I figure out a better use of this blog, I will not be posting anymore Scanned Thoughts. To those who have supported this blog, I sincerely appreciate it. If anybody has any suggestions on how to best use this blog, I'd be happy to listen. But now, I think it's best that I stop for now and re-evaluate the best way to provide quality content to readers.

Jack

Sunday Rant: The Phoenix Five and the Morality of Superheroes

I've had some time to think about the events of Avengers vs. X-men #5. I've pondered, pontificated, got drunk, took a few hits of acid, smoked some weed, and tapped the power of every brain cell I haven't yet killed. Usually when I do this the only conclusion I can reach is, "Fuck, I need more weed." But this time, some of those brain cells actually made a few connections and it has led me to a contemplate a certain topic in comics that is usually superseded by Emma Frost's bra size. That would be the topic of superheroes and morality.

Now I know the notion of having an admitted drunk who spends his spare time making dick jokes in comic book reviews talk about morality may seem more fucked up than an acrobatic nymphomaniac, but it is a serious issue that guides many stories throughout comics. Marvel, more so than any other comic company, loves to tell stories that involve morally gray conflicts. I'm not just talking about the kind of conflicts where you have to choke a puppy to save the life of 20 kittens either. I'm talking about the kind of conflicts that pit two sides against one another and both sides have a valid point to make.

One of those points being NOT to reveal your identity and NOT to get shot by your ex-girlfriend

Avengers vs. X-men hasn't had the same kind of social and political undertones as stories like Civil War. On the surface, it has the usual musings of your typical superhero brawl. One group of superheroes questions the size of another group's dick and they slug it out until one side proves their dick is bigger or they just bludgeon each other to the point where they agree that both their dicks can get the job done. Avengers vs. X-men offered somewhat more depth than that. This was another instance where both sides did have a valid point to make. They stem from two very different approaches to this conflict. That conflict involves the Phoenix Force, a power known for using entire planet to wipe it's butt, coming towards Earth in search of a new red-haired, green eyed host NOT named Jean Grey.

For the X-men, they're approach comes from the point of view of a species that's been endangered since House of M. Hope's arrival did bring 5 new mutants into the fold with the Five Lights. However, 5 new mutants to a dying race is like pissing in the ocean in an effort to refill it. They need something more to kick start their species and why not the Phoenix Force? The Scarlet Witch butt-fucked reality in so many different holes that the only way to even remotely undo the damage is to use something as powerful as the Phoenix Force. Moreover, the X-men have dealt with the Phoenix. They've seen Jean Grey and Rachel Grey control it for a while. That means it can be controlled and with it, they may be able to restart their dying species.

That's all well and good, but the Avengers come at it from the point of view that tampering with cosmic forces is like giving a pyromaniac 100 metric tons of napalm. Their job is and always has been to protect the Earth from the kinds of threats that would put Earth between the giant butt cheeks of evil and fart it out of existence. Given that the Phoenix has already ravaged more planets than Motley Crue has hotel rooms, they have plenty of reason to stop this shit even it means sacrificing a dying species. I mean, it's not like they're the ones that caused mutants to become endangered. Hell, they distanced themselves completely from the Scarlet Witch. Why should they give a fuck?

Can we agree to disagree? Fuck no!

The events of Avengers vs. X-men changed the moral landscape of this series in a huge way and I'm not just talking about a difference in approach towards cosmic entities that want to give Earth a planetary enema. Throughout the first few issues, another stark difference has emerged that Marvel hasn't really explored. In the Marvel universe, the Avengers and the X-men are both accomplished superhero teams that have saved the world more times than Chuck Norris pretends he did. Yet the Avengers are hailed as heroes, given parades and praise. People love them, women want to fuck them, and little kids dress up like them. By and large, they are beloved.

The X-men, however, are looked upon with the same appeal as malignant lump on one's scrotum or tits. They have superpowers like the Avengers, but they're seen as freaks and monsters. They are scorned by society and some actively work to wipe them out as was shown most recently in Second Coming. And what do the Avengers do about this vile public hate? Absolutely jack shit. Now I know I'm just a drunk, but how the fuck is that fair? How the fuck does that even make sense? In the first few issues of Avengers vs. X-men, Cyclops calls the Avengers out on their bullshit and they don't answer. They just say "Give us your messiah or we'll kick your ass and take her." They might as well have walked into a Star Trek convention dressed as storm troopers and asked Trekkies to hand over Leonard Nemoy.

Well Avengers vs. X-men #5 changed the whole dynamic of this difference between the Avengers and the X-men. And the Avengers have no one to blame but themselves. Tony Stark proved that no only is he a lousy drunk, but he also builds machines that do a shitty job of stopping cosmic forces. The Phoenix Force clearly wanted Hope. However, by fucking with it, he split the damn thing and now it's in five new hosts that the Avengers have been annoying the fuck out of for the past five issues. Thus we have the Phoenix Five, X-men imbued with the Phoenix Force and with more than enough reasons to flex their Phoenix muscle to help collapse the collective scrotum of every Avenger.

This is how the Avengers cure their constipation.

But the Phoenix Five do more than just bitch slap the Avengers for fucking with their messiah. Now that they have the Phoenix, they're planning to use this power to do more than just shit on planets or kill characters that have red hair and green eyes. They want to actually use this power to make the world a better place. They want to show the Avengers that they can do more good than they ever hoped they could. It seems like a much more humane way of proving their dicks are bigger, but it gets the point across.

In recent previews of upcoming issues, we've seen how the Phoenix Five plan to carry out this motive. In a preview of X-men Legacy #268, we see the Phoenix Five doing something the UN was originally planned to do and failed miserably at for the past 60. They're actually outlawing war and beating the shit out of those who try to keep the war going. With their Phoenix powers, they travel to war ravaged places like Africa and disarm the militias who think using civilians as target practice is a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. They also talk about mind-wiping those who can't go more than five minutes without thinking about killing someone. While I'm generally against mind-control and psychic torture on general principle, when some people just can't fight the urge to maim I make exceptions.

We come in peace, motherfucker.

This creates another moral quandary that Marvel (or DC for that matter) has yet to explore. Is it right to impose this kind of peace on a world that has never taken kindly to those who impose? Even if a cause is just, trying to impose it will create more outrage than strippers at Sunday School. I mean we live in a country where people get outraged when the President tries to impose universal health care on the last industrialized country that doesn't have it. So how the fuck do you think people will react when five all-powerful figures descend from the sky and say killing each other for no reason is no longer cool?

It creates a very shady ethical question. Is using the raw force of the Phoenix to impose peace on Earth just? Moreover, is it ethical to just stand by and let people keep dying while trying to pursue less forceful but less effective means of peace? Let's face it, the Avengers spend their days fighting off Thanos and Loki. They tend not to give a fuck about stopping wars in Africa, the Middle East, Asia, South America, and Texas. They just say, "Eh, let the UN handle it." Never mind that the UN couldn't even get the tiny country of Mauritania to outlaw slavery until 2007. They save the planet, yet they let millions die every day when they have the power to stop it? I mean fuck they have a billionaire, a demigod, a super soldier, and a Hulk at their disposal. Yet they can't find a way to tell the Israelis and Palestinians to cut the violence and shit? That's fucked up right into the stratosphere.

At the same time, there's still the question of using tyranny to fight tyranny. It's like using intolerance to fight intolerance. It's a very blurry ethical line that isn't easily managed. The Phoenix Five could make the whole world into a peace-loving utopia that would finally make Bono shut the fuck up. But that doesn't make what they did or how they did it right. It also doesn't make the Avengers victims either because it's their fucking fault for making the Phoenix Five in the first place. It's the kind of story that hasn't been told or debated in comics before and I'm glad Marvel is finally doing something like this. However it ends, it'll raise some pretty unsettling questions about heroes and their roles. In the meantime, I suppose the only thing we can agree on is how hot Emma Frost looks in Phoenix gear.

Phoenix Force + Boobs = Awesome

Objectifying Women in Comics - The Other Debate

I try not to get too political on this blog. I look at politics the same way drag racers look at speed limits. They're best ignored until the law comes back to bite you. But every now and then, I feel the inescapable urge to comment on a major controversy that won't go the fuck away. And since this controversy happens to involve women and how their boobs are portrayed in comics, I just have to say something.

It started when I read a recent article on CBR about the portrayal of female characters in comics. It's one of many articles that have emerged over the past few months where men and women alike complain about how women are being portrayed in modern comics. It was sparked largely by this.

That's Starfire, the bonerific heroine from Red Hood and the Outlaws, one of the new 52 that DC relaunched last year. She went from the happy-go-lucky alien babe to the mindless sexbot and for some very understandable reasons, people had a problem with that. Now it could have been contained to just this one issue and the result of some overly shitty writing on DC's part. But no. Like Ozzy Osborne taking a piss on the Alamo, it had to become something much bigger than it was. Now it's become a feminist boondoggle that has scrotums shriveling, ovaries kicking into overdrive, and drunks like me banging their heads against the wall for reasons that don't involve running out of blow.

I'm already a frustrated drunk to begin with and I was content to just let other people fight this out, but it's gotten to a point where there is no debate anymore. People are starting to miss the fucking point and I feel compelled to bring it up since nobody else will or at least won't without a few shots of tequila in their system. So for all you men and women, get ready because I'm going to go on a rant about gender issues. I'm probably going to offend some women and some men. There's absolutely no way around it in this politically correct world so please bear with me because I'm not just ranting this time. I'm actually going to try and make a valid point in this debate that I hope will set it to rest in some ways.

First off, I get it. I understand why women are upset with how they're portrayed in comics. That's not sarcasm or cynicism either. That's the honest truth. Women do have a reason to be upset with a lead female character like Starfire is turned into a glorified blow-up doll. They have a right to be upset when characters like Rogue, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Huntress are posed in ways that encourage masturbation. They're right when they say there's a double standard when it comes to men and women. Now does that mean I agree with the article on CBR and all others like it? Well it's not that simple. See, the debate for me goes like this.

Outraged Woman and/or Man: "Women in comics are being portrayed in an overly sexualized, objectified way that's insulting and demeaning!"

Me: "And?"

I know what you may be thinking. I'm implying that I don't care about their argument, but that's not what I'm saying. If I didn't care I would say "So what? Now where's the nearest bar?" But I didn't say that. I said "And?" because that argument isn't a complete thought. It's only half the debate. The other half is supposed to be the solution or at least what you think is a viable solution. At no point do I ever hear anybody propose such a solution. It's just "This is a moral outrage!" and that's it.

Well there's a word for that kind of talk. It's called whining. It's what little kids do when their parents tell them they can't get a candy bar at the check-out line in a grocery store. In the adult world when you point out a problem or criticism, you at least try to advocate a solution. Bringing awareness isn't a solution in and of itself. It can be part of the process, but at some point you need to put something down on paper or you're just wasting time and breath.

The writer of the article was Kelly Thompson on CBR. She's a good writer and she makes plenty of valid points. But I ask both her and every other man and woman who has made the same argument. What's the alternative? What's the solution? Hell, what's the compromise? What is it? What would you do to make things different? Those are not rhetorical questions. Those are real questions that need to be answered if your argument is to have merit. Don't play a game of hypothetical and paint a picture of an ideal world in your head where this issue didn't exist and everything was all peaches, cream, and imported vodka. Give the rest of us, the readers and the male audience that are the targets, a viable solution with the keyword being viable.

Let's start simple. How would you want them posed? You want them all to pose like the men? You want every female character to do absolutely nothing to distinguish themselves from the other gender? That almost implies that they're ashamed to be women and want to be men. Same goes for clothes. You want Rogue, Catwoman, and Huntress to dress like men? Wearing baggy blue jeans and a shirt that says "Ask Me About My Prostate?"  More importantly, how would that be just as memorable or viable in the comic market? Would men still buy it? Would more women buy it? How do you know this? Flip these images of Hulk and She-Hulk and tell me they work just as well.

Let's look at it form another angle here. How much objectification is really at work here? Thompson claims that women are built like porn stars while the men are built like athletes. Are they? NFL linemen are considered athletes. Sumo wrestlers are considered athletes. Fuck, golfers are considered athletes. The men in comics are NOT fucking athletes. They're male models. Pretty boys. Jocks. The kind that make up over 99 percent of all the douche-bag antagonist in every 80s teen movie ever made.

Moreover, do comics do this because of or in spite of reader tastes? Comics don't exist in a vacuum. They're part of a market that relies both on sex selling and selling quite well. That market uses evolutionary biology to full effect. Men are visual creatures. That's not an opinion or a criticism. That's a scientific fucking fact. Here's a study that proves it in a way no whining can resist. Like it or not, men are going to respond more strongly to the presence of sexual imagery than women and comics are a visual medium. To be against using sexual connotations in comics is akin to being against birds for using wings. Now is the current situation excessive and egregious? I would argue yes. It is. But again, what the fuck are we supposed to do about it?

Finally, there's a reason why men aren't dressed up in the ridiculous outfits that female comic characters wear. It's the same reason why men don't pose like women in comics. It's because, and I know this is a politically incorrect thing to say, men and women are different. Men have a penis, balls, and hair on their ass. Women have boobs, a vagina, and ovaries. There are a long list of other differences and like every other animal in nature, those differences result in different manifestations of behavior. This isn't even about comics anymore. This is about fucking evolutionary biology. It doesn't justify the current situation, but it does imply a different perspective.

I know we live in a multicultural society that values equality and shit, but men and women are still fundamentally different at the end of the day. Whining about them not being completely equal is like whining about the sky being blue. It's just plain whining and it's no better than that little kid making a scene in the grocery store I mentioned earlier. It's not going to make the imagery of Emma Frost flaunting her sexuality or Namor flaunting his male bravado any less potent.

So I'm all ears. What do we do about the current situation? What do we, the consumers, propose to Marvel and DC and every other publisher out there as a reasonable solution that will ensure they're just as viable if not more so as an industry? I don't know what it is and I've yet to hear anything from anybody that offers something tangible. Maybe someone on this blog can offer something. I know I come off as a raving nut job here, but I'm not being disingenuous when I say I respect women. But I respect men as well. I'll comment on boobs as much as I'll comment on dicks. At the end of the day, it doesn't change anything. So for this debate about women and comics and all debates like it, I implore the morally outraged parties to quit with the fucking whining and start proposing viable solutions. Nuff said.

X-men Supreme Issue 29: Cajun Chaos Part 3 PREVIEW

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is nearing the end of another arc! Cajun Chaos has done a lot so far. It introduced Remy Lebeau to the world of X-men Supreme and it deepened the mystery surrounding the events of the first arc, Family and Fiends. As I said from the beginning, events from Volume 1: Mutant Revolution would fuel the events of Volume 2: War Powers. These events will continue to build and the final issue of Cajun Chaos will carry this fanfiction series forward. Will Remy Lebeau make it through the conflict surrounding the guilds? Will Rogue get caught up in the crossfire? All will be answered in the next issue! As always I've prepared a preview of the next issue to offer a taste of what's to come!

“I got this!” said Henri, armed with a gun and knife.

“Back off, Henri!” spat Theoren, “You’ve done enough!”

“Shut it! He’s mine!” yelled Etienne as he lunged forth.

Nightcrawler easily teleported out of the way and appeared behind the angry Cajun. Before he could turn around and counter, he drop kicked him in the back so he crashed right into Theoren. Then Henri came at him. He managed to get a solid punch in, leaving a sharp stinger in the young mutant’s shoulder. But he pushed through it and did an acrobatic leap, flipping in mid air and kicking him right in the chin. This nearly knocked Henri out, but despite blood dripping from his mouth he showed no signs of stopping.

But Nightcrawler didn’t have time for this. They came here to get Rogue and Remy to safety. His main concern was Rogue, who was still struggling behind two other thieves. She once helped rescue him from Black Tom. It was only fitting he return the favor.

“Hold on, Rogue! I’ll be right zhere!” he called out to her.

“Ugh! Take your time, Kurt,” said Rogue as she struggled with her captors, “Those three need an extra beating for the attitude they’ve been given me!”

“Is zhat true? Have you been insulting my sister?” said Nightcrawler as he leered menacingly Henri.

“That’s your sister?!” scoffed Henri, wiping the blood from his face, “No wonder she be such a bitch!”

Kurt’s expression quickly shifted to a hard, determined scold.

“Now zhat vas just stupid.”

Henri lunged at Nightcrawler again, this time with more focus and intent. Theoren and Eitenne joined them, but Nightcrawler used his nimble agility to avoid them and counter their attacks. He made sure he added in a little extra punch this time. If they had given Rogue a hard time, he was going to make sure they didn’t dare try it again.

While Nightcrawler handled the thieves, Wolverine stepped up his attack on Julien. The young assassins proved tougher than the others. He kept shooting Wolverine in his legs and slashing him with his sword. It didn’t stop the feral mutant, but it did slow him down. Julien also started going for major veins, slashing his neck and wrist and trying to bleed him. Even with Wolverine’s healing, that would be difficult to recover from.

“I’ll cut every ounce of flesh off your body you fowl animal!” proclaimed Julien.

“That’s a lot of cuttin’ Frenchy! I don’t go down easy!” growled Wolverine.

“So you’re one of those extra durable mutants?” he scoffed, “No matter. It’ll only prolong your suffering!”

“Story of my life, bub.”

Grunting through the pain, Wolverine lunged with another attack. Julien tried to shoot him again to slow him down. Only one bullet hit, which wasn’t enough to slow him down, and with momentum and body weight on his side the former living weapon pinned the young man against a rail on the platform. He went for the final blow, slashing horizontally with his claws. Julien tried to block it with his sword, but Wolverine swung with such force he severed the blade from the base and cut a good chunk of Julien’s arm off in the process.

The young assassin howled in agony, clutching his arm and dropping his gun in the process. Blood quickly flowed from the wound and the throbbing pain maid it nearly impossible to fight back. He could only grasp his arm and try to stop the blood loss. But blood loss was the least of his worries as Wolverine now stood over him with his claws pointed right at his face.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fillet that pretty mug of yours like a T-bone steak!” he said menacingly.

This fanfiction series is taking many new turns and introducing a number of new characters. Gambit is the next, but I assure you he won't be the last! I'll continue to update the bios section as some of these characters are introduced. Keep in mind that while these characters have similar backgrounds to their comic counterparts, they will have a unique twist for X-men Supreme. Some characters will be a lot different than others. Some won't vary nearly as much. My goal is to maintain the core of the character so that X-men fans of every kind can enjoy them. This fanfiction series is on a big scale so it's important I get characters like Remy Lebeau right.

With this in mind, I once again urge all those who follow X-men Supreme to provide feedback at every turn. You can either post comments on the issues or you can contact me at any time. I'm always happy to hear from people. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask me! The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is very important to me and I want to make it enjoyable to everybody who reads it. There is so much I want to do and it's importance I have feedback to ensure that everything I do with X-men Supreme is sufficiently awesome.

Jack