Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #19

There are certain people who nobody wants to be on bad terms with. Everybody has a shit list of some kind, but most people don't have the resources or the means to start checking it off in the most satisfying way possible. I imagine that Bill Gates and Warren Buffet could get pretty damn creative if they really wanted to fuck with the people they hated back in high school. I know if I had their money, there would be a few old bullies and teachers that would be in the ER right now waiting for an ass-transplant. I imagine that Maria Hill's shit list is way longer than most, but Odin help anyone who finds their way to the top. And right now, Cyclops has earned that coveted position. Since the beginning of Uncanny X-men, Maria Hill has had a rage boner for arresting Cyclops and throwing him back in jail. She has shown that like George W. Bush, she's willing to give the middle finger to the Constitution and fuck with anyone who could get her closer to slapping handcuffs on Cyclops. She hasn't succeeded yet, but I imagine every failure is only putting Cyclops higher on her shit list. So as I review Uncanny X-men #19, I'll try not to imagine all the trouble I would cause if I had SHIELD resources at my disposal. But one thing I can be damn sure of is pot would be legal pretty fucking fast if I did.

Speaking of being high, remember how Mystique drugged Dazzler in a way that probably involved a shit ton of roofies? Well, we don't exactly know what happened to her after. We just know that Mystique took her place and has been having a lot of fun taking full advantage of Dazzler's position. Hell, for all we know, Mystique went back and fucked all her old boyfriends and Tweeted naked pictures of her to every major tabloid. While this may earn Dazzler her own reality show at some point, it's hard for her to enjoy it when Mystique is keeping her in a coma. Because that's exactly where she has been since she roofied her and probably copped a feel. She's boning Sabretooth at the moment. I imagine she has some perverse sexual proclivities. But even without these disturbing/sexy images, it's nice to finally get an explanation about what happened to Dazzler after Mystique took her place. It's a bit late, but it's worth it to see how Mystique deals with the people she switches places with. It really is amazing what a sadistic mind can do with a handful of roofies and a boner.

But for Maria Hill, she doesn't need no stinkin' roofies to fuck with someone. She has the resources of SHIELD. That's better than every roofie in Roman Polansky's stash. And with that stash, she was able to track down Hijack with the same ease as ordering Chinese take-out. A few issues ago, Hijack managed to get himself kicked off the team for disobeying Cyclops's "no cell phone" rule. Well he basically vindicates Cyclops because he continues to use his phone with the assumption that the authorities aren't going to hack is every message and piss all over the 4th Amendment in the process. In SHIELD terminology, I think that would be called "just plain fucking stupid."

Not only does Maria Hill show up in Hijack's room with enough armed men to storm a Mexican meth lab, she even has the time to tow every vehicle he might be able to use against them. She then tells him that since he rubbed elbows with someone she considers a full blown terrorist, she can basically wipe her ass with his constitutional rights at this point. She also gives him some friendly advice about begging his girlfriend to take him back. I know I may be a drunk who has a pretty shitty history with women, but even I'm not dumb enough to know that begging like a little bitch doesn't work. It may get some pity sex, but not from a woman like Maria Hill. Hell, I doubt she would even give him a sympathy hand-job.

I'm also pretty sure Mystique isn't big on sympathy, especially for anyone she keeps drugged and unconscious. I'm going to assume she finds plenty of creative ways to take advantage of the unconscious and some of those ways would make my penis both happy and petrified. But for Dazzler, it's not exactly R-rated. However, it is something that does fit into the plans she already revealed to Magneto a couple issues ago.

When Magneto paid her a visit, Mystique bragged like an anorexic supermodel that she took over Madripoor and made it a mutant version of Disneyland/Las Vegas. And part of what fuels this decadent world is mutant growth hormone. She has been passing that out like blowjobs in a Tijuana whore house. But where is she getting it from? Well, she gets it from Dazzler. Now I don't know how Dazzler's blood is somehow the key ingredient to MGH, but she is a mutant and she is unconscious. I guess that's all the reason Mystique needs to use her rather than some other hapless mutant. She's pretty, blond, and unconscious. I'm pretty sure that's the criteria for a victim and a porno.

It's not clear whether Dazzler is going to break free and start contemplating all the horrible ways Mystique took advantage of her. But it is clear that Maria Hill has every intention of taking advantage of Hijack and not in a sexy way either. She's prepared to interrogate him in ways that would make a Taliban member shit themselves if he doesn't tell her where Cyclops is. The big problem with that is Cyclops went to some pretty great lengths to make sure none of his students knew the exact address of their base. He understands that most teenagers couldn't resist the urge to Tweet that shit the moment they had a chance. And in Hijack's case, he was right. He doesn't know and that's not good enough for Maria Hill. I guess this means he can skip the part where he calls a lawyer and go right to the part where Jack Baur interrogates him. And it's all because he wouldn't obey a simple fucking rule about cell phones.

While this is going on, I imagine Cyclops is still hard at work trying to figure out what the fuck happened to the O5 X-men and how he's going to horribly torment the Shi'ar for attacking his base. He did make a pretty big fucking deal about that in the previous issue. So why would he let it go? That's a damn good question because that's exactly what happens. That question is not answered and flat out forgotten because despite the fact that the O5 X-men are going up against the Shi'ar Imperial Guard, he's back to just sitting on his ass and waiting for another mutant or Sentinel to pop up. I'm a little too drunk to list all the ways why this is fucked up and completely shits all over the wonderfully close coherence established in the previous issue so I'll just say it's a hell of an oversight.

That doesn't mean there isn't some merit to keeping an eye on mutant activity. As Cyclops is monitoring the mutant population, they find a pretty big signal flare up in President Obama's old stomping ground. I mean Chicago and not Kenya for those right-wing assholes who won't let it fucking go. It comes just as Tempus is trying to confront Cyclops about all those funny feelings she has been getting in her panties every time she thinks about him. She also had somewhat of a rough time during their previous training mission. I'm not sure if she thinks this is a basis for one of those relationships that is only ever appropriate in a porno movie, but she thanks him anyways and shows she is still ready to fight by his side on a mission. In the same way men will go to great lengths for a woman with a great rack, girls will go to great lengths for men who keep their panties moist.

Cyclops takes his team to Chicago, home of deep dish pizza, the Chicago Bears, and jaded Cubs fans. It's not the worst place for a new mutant to show up. It's not South Beach or Las Vegas, but at least they can get some awesome pizza out of the mission. However, that assumes the mission isn't yet another trap like so many missions before it. And guess what? It is a fucking trap. In fact, it's the same fucking trap they fell into shortly before X-men Battle of the Atom when they visited a college campus in Michigan and got attacked by a fucking Sentinel.

Now I know Sentinel attacks are as much a part of X-men comics as whiskey is part of St. Patrick's Day. I don't mind repeated Sentinel attacks, but when it's basically the same fucking attack from before it starts to get frustrating. Cyclops is smart enough to outwit SHIELD and hormonal teenagers who don't know how to follow simple rules about cell phones. Yet he can't see the same fucking attack he experienced just a few fucking issues ago? I get that even the best leaders fuck up sometimes, but this is just pushing it.

That's not to say there isn't some variation in this battle. Unlike the previous battle at Michigan, these Sentinels have a new trick. They can turn off their mutant powers and leave them more vulnerable than wounded bat at an Ozzy Osborne concert. It forces them to rely on some of their non-mutant abilities, namely Magik's knack for sorcery. She's a rebellious teenage blond who rubs elbows with demons. She's not going to limit herself to say the very least. She's going to create a huge fucking dragon out of magic and have it pick its ass with Sentinel parts. It's a bit over-the-top, but with Game of Thrones coming back soon I'll gladly take it. And to make sure the Sentinels don't re-enact the Red Wedding episode, Tempus protects them in a time bubble. Apparently, not all their powers were shut off. It doesn't make for much of an epic battle, but there's only so much epic that a battle against Sentinels can offer. When a pretty blond throws a dragon into the mix, that's enough to make it entertaining.

When they emerge from their time bubble, they find that Magik's pet dragon did the trick and for once that's not a euphemism for weed. And once the Sentinels are destroyed, their powers come back online. Goldballs even finds a way to throw in a few dick jokes. And just like the previous attack, they have no fucking clue who is sending these Sentinels. However, Cyclops does surmise that whoever sent them didn't know that Magik can summon dragons in addition to being a pissed off blond teenager that can teleport anywhere in the fucking world. They also didn't know that Tempus can create time bubbles that can send them into the future. The problem is now they do fucking know and can plan accordingly. And so long as Cyclops keeps walking into these traps, the Law of Averages will eventually screw him over.

But the attack did more than just give the Sentinels another big advantage for the next battle. Apparently, the residents of Chicago don't like being caught in the crossfire of a battle between a magic dragon and killer robots, at least when LSD isn't involved. They're pissed off enough that their baseball team hasn't won a World Series in over a century. They don't need this shit too and make it very clear that mutants are about as welcome in Chicago as Packer fans. So while the Sentinels didn't succeed in stomping out the X-men, they did take a big shit on their public image so I guess that counts as half a victory.

As for the person behind the Sentinel attacks, we still get no fucking clue. In fact, we see the same ominous figure that showed up at the end of the previous issue. Nothing is really revealed. It just shows that this Iron Man wannabe is still in a position to fuck with them and make Cyclops even more pissed at SHIELD. And for the most part, this plan is a booming success. Cyclops is clearly pissed off at SHIELD and no longer gives a fuck if they're actively behind it or not. If they're just letting it happen, that's reason enough for him to want to kick their ass. It basically sets the stage for him to walk into yet another trap when he could be focusing on saving the O5 from the Shi'ar. That's like trading Peyton Manning for Ryan Leaf. It cannot work out well in any capacity whatsoever.

This issue threw a lot of awesome ingredients into the mix. But like a stoner that doesn't realize he just walked into a 7-Eleven with no pants on, this issue didn't bother to actually fucking mix these ingredients. Pretty much every plot introduced in this issue was only introduced half-way. We never saw what happened with Dazzler. We didn't see what happened with Hijack and Maria Hill. And that mystery asshole that has been throwing Sentinels at the X-men since this whole damn series began is still a mystery. Not only that, the whole sub-plot with Cyclops being worried about the disappearance of the O5 was just flat out forgotten. That beautiful coherence between this series and the other X-books was basically thrown away like a used tampon. While I enjoyed these sub-plots, I can only enjoy them so much when they flat out stop like a hooker that only gives half a handjob. There's are plenty of ways that these respective sub-plots could be brought together. Instead, we're just left with a series of cock-teases and my cock can only take so much. I give Uncanny X-men #19 a 6 out of 10. It basically retells the same damn story from an earlier issue that didn't need to be told. And for those of us with limited attention spans and sobriety, that's a problem. I would try taking my Adderal prescription with more regularity, but I learned long ago that amphetamines, booze, and weed are a bad combination. I just can't afford another indecent exposure conviction. Nuff said!