Ultimate X #4 - Bullshit Has A New BFF

Strap on your rubber boots because we're about to take a swim through an ocean of bullshit mixed with elephant jizz. That's right. I'm about to review an Ultimate book. I know what some of you may be thinking. I've gone on record as stating that I hate the Ultimate books with the fire of a trillion supernovas. It's gotten to the point where I wish I never got into these comics in the first place. If I could go back in time, I would strangle my younger self while telling him to put his life savings into Apple and Netflix stock to prevent myself from ever giving half a damn about these books in the first place. I wasted 10 years of my life that I'll never get back on this shit. Ultimatum ruined it and Ultimate X is the skanky cousin who got gang-banged by a bunch of meth-head hobos that was spawned from it. The writing has been terrible, the story has been shit, and most insulting of all the characters that were maimed in Ultimatum are now being replaced by pathetic replacements.

If that weren't enough, this fucking series was delayed more than Guns n' Roses's last album. The last issue came out in June 2010. Well it's March 2011 and only NOW issue four is coming out. This is because artist Art Adams sees fit to draw as slowly as possible for quality that's no better than a ten-year-old tracing the boobs on a Victoria's Secret model. Seriously, the man's art is praised as if it was drawn with the entrails of Jesus and menstrual blood from the Virgin Mary. The only thing worth praising here is how anybody has the patience to wait for this guy when in the time that this series has been delayed books like Uncanny X-Force, Generation Jean Rip-off, and X-23 have all released more than four issues and done a much better job of it. Oh, and they fucking sold better as well! Uncanny X-Force was the #1 selling book when it came out. Ultimate X doesn't even outsell the later issues of Ultimate X-men. Yet they still won't call this shit a failure? What the fuck are they smoking at Marvel and where can I get some?

So again, why am I reviewing this? It's a slow week for comics and I had a string of very bad days. I need some time to vent. Plus, everyone is lining up to praise this piece of shit just because it finally came out and Art Adams is drawing it. That's like praising George W. Bush for only fucking up two countries instead of three. There should be an opposing viewpoint for those who are still fuming at how Ultimatum destroyed what was once such a wonderful series. It means I actually have to read this book and resist the urge to rip my eyes out and throw them in the nearest bonfire, but that's how much I care about this blog and those that read it. So here goes nothing and if you have a weak stomach, please for the love of Galactus, Zeus, Odin and everything holy go to the closest German fetish porn site. That will be far less disturbing than the crap I'm about to review.

Ultimate X #4 is based on Liz Allen, who used to be a mainstay in Ultimate Spider-Man. Then before Ultimatum ruined everything, she found out that she was a mutant (the Ultimate version of Firestar to be precise) and that Blob was her father. How a girl can be as thin as her and related to Blob defies even the lousy physics that comics puts forth, but she's had her share of issues. After Ultimatum she basically disappeared and this comic tells her story and tells it in a way that sucks the scrotum right off a rhino. It turns out Ultimatum didn't hurt her a damn bit. She moved to fucking Orange County with her mother and started living life all the pompous douche-bags on the Jersey Shore. Not only that, she found out she has a brother. Apparently Liz Allen's mother couldn't keep her legs closed and let Blob knock her up a second time. And the kid she shat out of her twat takes after her father a lot more in that he's a fat stereotype slob.

There are these annoying red text boxes all over the pages. They're supposed to be Liz Allen's mother narrating, but it might as well be Jeph Loeb himself trying to explain his shitty rationalization for making garbage like this. Mini-Blob's name is Theodore Allen and he gets himself into trouble with the principal (who looks like the Grinch fucked Wolverine). For some reason, throwing a fucking cheeseburger is all it takes to get suspended for a week. I've been to high school and I know for a fact that's bullshit. Throwing food may get you detention, but a week-long suspension? What was on that burger, C4?

If that weren't bad enough, the narration from Liz Allen's mother is progressively more disturbing. She actually describes how she got drunk and snorkled Blob's chud. She described it like an Earthquake. In a series that already has full blown incest with the Maximoff twins, this is enough to make you want to surgically remove your stomach. What good is it to describe how a cute girl fucked a fat ugly slob? There's fetish porn for shit like that and at least those have the decency to not depict fucking Earthquakes!

Back at Liz's house, she talks with her mom about what a massive douche Teddy is. Even if she's right, her mother slaps her across the face because it's her late slob baby daddy who has been providing for them. That or she has to justify the massive damage done to her snatch for her. For a girl that actually lives a decent life and is a mutant, you would think she would have some sympathy for her own flesh and blood. She's an even bigger douche in this than Teddy and he's the Blob replacement in this series that is full of bullshit replacements.

We then catch up with the rest of the bullshit replacements that Ultimate X has squeezed out through it's proverbial poop tube. Jimmy Hudson (Wolverine rip-off) and Derek Morgan (the bastard son of Daredevil and Batman, two comics Jeph Loeb used to write coincidentally) are staying in a motel with Karen Grant (who is Jean Grey after Art Adams turned her into an emo bitch who looks fucking 14 when she's actually 20). The two rip-offs just piss and moan about not knowing what they're doing. All Karen does is say they're being stupid and careless while reminding them that the X-men are dead. Really? They still haven't gotten that message across? Then what the fuck is the point of a scene like this? To just show how royally fucked they are? Great writing! I've seen better filler in a bacon cheeseburger that the cook spat on.

So forget that useless scene and go back to the school. The next day Teddy's friend, Evan, who looks like a stereotypical mock-up of every school shooter in history mixed with Toad from X-men Evolution brings a gun to school. Then for reasons that aren't even that clear he starts shooting. No I'm not exaggerating. It's really not fucking clear in the slightest. Everybody was making fun of Teddy. Nobody said shit to this Evan kid. Yet he feels inclined to bring a gun to school? Where the fuck was his story? That seems like a pretty important part to overlook, a kid messed up enough to shoot up his school. It feels like yet more Ultimatum style shock value. Well after seeing shit like Blob eating Wasp, the shock card is pretty much played out. If Loeb or the editors can't get that, then they're beyond help.

Just as with Columbine and Virginia Tech, the shooting becomes a media frenzy. And what are the kids at the school doing? Are they running for their lives and taking cover like the survivors of previous shootings are? No! They're standing around Evan taking fucking pictures with their phones! Seriously, THAT'S what Loeb thinks people are inclined to do! So let me get this straight...these kids just stick around long enough for the news crews to arrive? And all they can do besides shit themselves is take fucking pictures with their phone?! Anyone who has seen a shooting of any kind will be able to call bullshit.

So Evan is basically feeling all hot and famous now. As if sociopaths are just cheerful as Charlie Sheen at the Playboy Mansion. Teddy, resisting his father's cannibalistic urges, tries to coax his friend into getting off the crazy train. In a perfectly reasonable response, Evan shoots his friend. Well given this is a replacement Blob we're dealing with here, the shot does jack shit. Blob ripoff says it tickles. Yeah, Loeb's dialog isn't going to give Shakespeare a run for his many anytime soon.

Well shit hits the fan because apparently mutants are more terrifying than gun-toting teenage psychopaths. NOW those dumb-ass kids who were snapping pictures with their phones start running. Really? A fat kid who can take a bullet is more terrifying than a gun? Are there even enough WTF's on the entire internet to rationalize that shit?

So in another completely random shift, Liz Allen decides to defend the brother she stated earlier that she couldn't stand to be around. She activates her power to come to his aid. Again, where the fuck is this coming from? She knows her brother isn't going to get hurt. He's a fucking Blob ripoff now! So why come to his rescue? He doesn't fucking need it! Seriously, what is she gaining from a stunt like this? It amounts to absolute dick.

Then there's an explosion. No, that's not a porno metaphor. That's what happens. Somehow Liz's fire conjuring creates an explosion. I shit you not. It's like Loeb is pathologically intent on making shit explode. There's no explanation as to how this happened. Liz touches the gun in one panel and in the next, there's an explosion. Since when does a fucking handgun have the ability to explode like that? And since when does Liz's fire powers involve making shit explode? How much of this is just being pulled out of the asses of the people making this garbage? In a series where Ultimatum was allowed to happen, this is par for the course yet still just as sickening.

In another bullshit fuck-up of reality, the rest of the non X-men show up. Again, how the fuck did they get there so quickly when they have no X-jet and admitted earlier to taking greyhound buses all over the country? It's like someone issued a memo to the Ultimate writers and said any effort at filling in plot holes will result in anal rape by a 12-inch dildo. Moreover, their pitch sucks. Aside from Jean ripping off a line from Terminator (again, Loeb's dialog is about artistic as a puddle of vomit) they offer Liz basically nothing. There's no X-men. There's no safe haven. Yet somehow they can keep them safe? What the fuck kind of an offer is that and why would anyone take it seriously?!

For once, the bad guys actually make a better pitch. Pietro shows up, who by the way looks like a ferret fucked a gypsy. He basically just offers a better life. No details. No specifics. Nothing. He just says he knows Teddy's father and that's about it. He argues with Jean for a moment, but again there's nothing of substance. They don't say anything about what they're doing or why the fuck they're doing it. They just say they're gathering mutants. That's it. It's not a mystery as much as it is pissing into the wind. Ultimatum rendered all mutants assholes and there's nothing they can do to change it. So why the fuck would they bother?

In the end Liz goes with the non X-men and Blob ripoff goes with Pietro. That's right, the son of the greatest mass murderer of all time is more trustworthy than a sibling that just stood up for your fat ass. Then he has the titanic sized balls to say his gun-toting friend was kind of right? What the fuck kind of logic is this kid using and what the fuck kind of storytelling leads to an outcome like this? It's the same bullshit that made Ultimatum such a horrible piece of garbage that shouldn't be held near an open flame. So Liz goes one way and we get another replacement character joining the other side. In a book that's already full of replacements, what kind of bullshit justifies a shit storm like Ultimatum when all that happens in return is a bunch of replacement characters? That remains the biggest problem with this book. Whereas Generation Jean ripoff only has one replacement character, this whole fucking series is built around them. Unless you don't mind shoving your face in hypocritical bullshit, this book should disgust you more than Japanese fetish porn.

There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this book. The dialog is shit and in some cases plagiarized. The art is horrible. Everybody in this book looks like they have fucking Marfan's Syndrome. I don't know what Art Adams did during the delays, but his character depictions in this book are so lousy you could have paid an autistic homeless guy in watered down vodka and he would have drawn better shit than this. It's not enough that this book is uglier than Courtney Love's pussy, but the story and characters in it are so completely fucked that it would take a nuclear powered microscope to find any trace of depth. Shit just happens. People talk and react as illogically as you can conceive. That's the basic summery of this collection of mule shit.

Jeph Loeb and Art Adams are a great team on Hulk, but in this book they might as well be nitro and glycerine. There is absolutely nothing appealing here. Unless you're brain damaged or high off your tits on a mix of DMT and Peyote, this book is dangerous to be around. It shouldn't be held around an open flame and it shouldn't be placed within 15 light years of another Ultimate comic. If anyone ever cared about Ultimate before Ultimatum, this book will act like sulfuric acid being injected into your urethra. Seriously, Marvel let Jeph Loeb butchered Ultimate X-men for this shit?! Just so we can get a bunch of shitty replacement characters and poorly conceived plots that hold together about as well as the former Soviet Union? Are you fucking kidding me?!

There isn't a score low enough to give this book. I can only give it a 0 out of 5. I'd give it negative numbers if I could, but I'd rather not completely fuck up my rating system for the sake of describing just how bad this book is. If all the shitty stories surrounding Ultimatum didn't bother you, then this shit won't bother you either. It won't blow you away. It'll make you envy the the deaf, the blind, and the comatose. I never thought I would be so disgusted by an Ultimate book. There was a time when Ultimate was my favorite series. There were rarely any books I even thought were just so-so. Then Ultimatum came along and fucked it up so bad that I want to burn every Ultimate book I ever bought and demand that someone at Marvel conceive of a way for me to get that last 10 years of my fucking life back. I would surrender a kidney and a left lung to completely forget about the Ultimate universe and Marvel comics in general. Even that would be less painful than seeing shit like this on the racks next to books that are actually worth reading.

I still follow Ultimate because I have a sub-atomic bit of hope that at some point, Marvel will decide that horribly maiming the characters that Disney paid so much to get the rights to wasn't a good idea. Ultimate is not beyond saving, but books like Ultimate X make it require an act of God, a deal with Mephisto, a gesture from Galactus, and a war with Odin to become acceptable again. If you or a loved one values your health and passion for all things decent, you'll keep them away from Ultimate X and Ultimate comics in general. This comic is so fucked that even Keith Richards won't snort it. Fuck Ultimate! Fuck Ultimate X! Fuck Ultimatum! Nuff said.

Ultimate X #2 - Painful Nostalgia

A couple months ago I gave my review for the debut issue of Ultimate X, the comic by Jeph Loeb that was supposed to reinvigorate the Ultimate line by telling bold new stories about what is happening to the mutants after Ultimatum. The premise is good, but in a nutshell the execution smells worse than mule shit, elephant shit, horse shit, dog shit, cat shit, and pretty much every other form of shit on this planet combined. Scientists would have to formulate a whole new strain of shit to match how much Ultimate X sucks. It's not only an affront to people who used to like the Ultimate universe. It's akin to sending a hitman to the readers still in the hospital after Ultimatum and so they can anally rape them to add to the humiliation for ever having followed this series.

So if I hated Ultimate X so much, why did I read issue 2? Plain and simple, it was the only comic outside the pitiful X-men Forever series that offered a chance at a decent Jean Grey story. The preview art from months ago hinted that this supposed new character, Karen Grant, was actually Jean Grey in disguise. Loeb tried to make it out to be some big mystery, as if her secret was the only thing keeping the holy grail from being found. Problem is, from the first few pages a brain damaged retard could have figured out that Karen was Jean. If that was the entire premise of the issue then this comic wouldn't qualify as being worthy of toilet paper. Luckily, there was more to it. Unluckily, it was every bit as pitiful as the first issue.

Now I'm a sucker for Jean Grey stories. She's one of my favorite characters and I've always had an affinity for Ultimate Jean Grey. She was a lot edgier and outgoing than her 616 counterpart. It was ironic how she was one of the few Ultimatum survivors when in 616, the writers seem to look for ways to kill her. I sincerely wanted to see a fresh story of her that wouldn't make me sick to my stomach the way X-men Forever did (which sadly is the only other ongoing series where Jean is still alive). It started off promising, but it went down faster than the stock market.

Here's the premise. Jean changed her name, changed her appearance, got a job at a mall, used her telepathy to change everyone's perceptions to make them think she had been there for three years when it had only been three months, and tried to live a normal life. Only she wasn't the same Jean Grey from the pages of Ultimate. She was a new Emo Jean Grey, one who dressed goth and was painfully reserved, a complete departure from what made her Ultimate counterpart appealing. To add to the clusterfuck, the narration was done by her boyfriend Dave, who is basically a mall cop. While Dave tries to come off as some open character with a touch of depth, he ends up coming off as some creepy stalker for Jean/Karen. He talks about early on how he kept asking her out 10 times before she said yes and how she seldom opened up. He comes off less a caring boyfriend and more a stalker. He's some character, one best left for dead. And wouldn't you know it? He got killed near the end by Sabretooth. Normally, I would hate to throw any further death into the Ultimate series after Ultimatum, but this guy needed it. He was too lame to keep alive.

In addition, remember how the first Ultimate X issue basically plagiarized the entire Superman Origins story for Jimmy Hudson? This issue took it a step further. It plagerized a story that came out LESS THAN A YEAR AGO. To make matters worse it came from the same damn series. Here's what happened. Mystique shows up and confronts Jean, telling her she should join her and Sabretooth. A fight ensues and Mystique and Sabretooth are beaten back. Want to know what happened in Ultimatum X-men Requiem that came out in August 2009? The same damn thing! Mystique and Sabretooth show up and try to recruit her. Part of the reason for Ultimatum was to add originality to the Ultimate universe again. But they use the same plot points from less than a year ago! What's that say about this series? They seem to be putting the same effort into it as Homer Simpson does in trying to lose weight.

Even worse? The art didn't offer any redeeming value like the first issue. Art Adams is supposedly an artistic genius in this area and he drew Jean Grey/Karen Grant like she was 13 fucking years old. In the comics it is well established that Ultimate Jean is 20. If this comic were actually decent then that may be forgivable, but the Ultimate series has earned no such leeway. I'm usually willing to cut Art Adams some slack, but now he deserves every bit the same scorn as Jeph Loeb.

It ends predictably enough. Jean meets up with Jimmy and that's about it. There's nothing new or fresh to be taken from this issue. As someone who has always had a special appreciation for Jean Grey, it usually takes a lot to get me to hate a comic with her as the main focus. Chris Claremont succeed with X-men Forever and I never thought that bombastic butchering of her character could be topped. Jeph Loeb, it seems, has matched Claremont blow for blow. It's a fucking Greek tragedy of godlike proportions.

Ultimate X #2 is another solemn reminder of how hard the series I once loved so much has fallen. Every book reeks of the stench left by Ultimatum. Even the most solid series like Ultimate Spider-Man can't get beyond the painful aftermath that basically killed an entire line. It doesn't matter of Hemmingway himself came back from the dead and wrote these books. Without the characters that made Ultimate great, the whole line is nothing more than cannon fodder laced with superhuman shit.

Earlier this week I posed a question to Tom Brevoort, Marvel's Vice President Executive Editor. I asked:

What would you say to all the fans of Ultimate who were seriously turned off by seeing so many beloved Marvel characters be horribly killed in Ultimatum?

His response is here:

Sorry about that. But most of those characters are still alive and active in the main Marvel Universe, so you can always follow them there. But if you just don't care for it, and aren't getting the same pleasure out of following the Ultimate books, then it's all right to stop buying them.

You hear that? It's basically saying "Sorry, you'll have to settle for 616 where those characters are still alive." Excuse me, but wasn't the whole point of Ultimate to create a fresh alternative from 616? Now that they killed off all the characters they're sending readers back to 616 where they weren't pleased with to begin with? Maybe I'm slow, but that logic would give Spock from Star Trek an brain stroke. He and Marvel seem to be okay with permanently handicapping a series. They're okay with taking away appeal and just churning out rehashes of plots so unoriginal it could be scientifically categorized as symptoms of insanity. Either they don't give a damn about the Ultimate universe anymore or they've just plain given up.

Ultimate X #2 gets a pitiful 0 out of 5. There's no redeeming value, not even from the art. Ultimate Marvel is becoming more pitiful with each passing month. It makes about as much sense to buy this comic as it does to stick your head in a microwave while sodomizing yourself with a salad fork. The sooner this entire line gets canceled, the better.

Ultimate X = Ultimate Trash

I've read my share of comics and I've always tried to be reasonable and objective in my assessment of a story. Even when I read a comic that has a premise I don't necessarily agree with, I still give it a chance and I try to be as thoughtful and insightful as I can. But every once in a while a comic will come along where my efforts just aren't enough. Every once in a while a comic will just show up that pisses me off in ways the Hulk would find disturbing. Well to my misfortune, that comic has come and it's called Ultimate X.

I've been very jaded about the Ultimate universe ever since the onset of Ultimatum. This gory, snuff film caliber trash heap was a pile of horse shit submerged in donkey piss coated in elephant jizz. It's not enough that a writer has to flat out destroy everything in a series. They have to practically butcher the characters, having no heart and no depth and no compassion for any of these characters that so many people deeply love. Ultimate X doesn't only rub salt in the wound, it jabs a red hot ice pick into it tipped with cobra venom and twists it.

Writer Jeph Loeb recently did an interview about Ultimate X for Newsarama.

Jeph Loeb Picks up the Pieces in Ultimate X

In it he flat out admits that Ultimatum was a Michael Bay film. I weep for Michael Bay. He does not deserve that kind of association. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had a mountain range more substance than Ultimatum or Ultimate X for that matter. It's one thing to basically admit there was nothing of substance behind a story. It's quite another to have the gall to say you're taking a new path and putting it back together.

Are you serious? Putting it back together? The characters were fucking butchered! How do you put that shit back together? You would need all the magic of Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, Odin, Yawah, Eywa (Avatar god), and the Allah to even make it resemble a pile of shit again! Ultimate X tries to make itself seem relevant, but it ultimately fails and I do mean ultimately.

The premise of the book is about as original as a Xerox machine. A new character is introduced named Jimmy Howlett. He's the son of Wolverine (only not as interesting as Daken or even X-23). Kitty shows up and reveals that Wolverine is his father, he has claws, and that he's supposed to take up the Wolverine mantle. That's about it. There's nothing else very novel about it. Granted, the story is well-crafted, well-drawn, and well-told. But it's about as exciting as a kick in the balls. If you read Ultimatum you can't help but think "they had to kill damn near everybody for this shit?!" If you haven't you can't help but think "wait a second is this another cheap knockoff of Superman?"

It's sad, but true. You can't expect anything less from a former Superman writer. Is this really all they could come up with? Jimmy was an adopted child, found out he had powers one day, and learned from a hologram that his real father was an important figure and he has to take up his mantle. That's basically the same origins as Superman. If I wanted to read that story I would fucking read Superman! In fact, there's a series going on right now called Superman Origins by Geoff Johns that actually tells this EXACT same story in a much better, much more coherent way. It's the Hope Diamond compared to a hunk of fossilized dinosaur shit.

The worst part of all is that this story could just have easily been told WITHOUT Ultimatum with very few adjustments. If that's all the writers can do after horribly destroying everything in the Ultimate universe then something's wrong with them. Now I want to condemn Jeph Loeb for this travesty, but I can't blame him completely as so many others do. He was not alone in the travesty that was Ultimatum. The editors allowed it and Bendis and Miller supported it. They're basically cohorts and accessories to the mind raping of every Ultimate comics fan that ever lived. Yet they have the balls to think this will inject new life into the line? New life that comes from killing all the characters that made it great and replacing them with half-rate look-a-likes that have the depth of a mud puddle on Everest? If I didn't know any better I would say they're flushed this out during their lunch break. I see stoners on LSD more motivated than the effort in Ultimate comics. There aren't enough drugs in Michael Jackson's medicine cabinet to make this story entertaining on any level. If the writers had any decency they wouldn't waste great art talent like Art Adams and restart the whole series.

Ultimatum was the worst comic I ever read. Ultimate X is like that serial rapist who comes back while you're still recovering and has their way with you again just for good measure. I would send this book on a fishing trip with Scott Peterson before I recommend it to anybody. I wouldn't use it to wipe the ass of a rhino with diarrhea out of respect for both the ass and the diarrhea. Ultimate deserves a special spot on the wall of shame right next to the Clone Saga and One More Day.

And yet, I try to leave room for hope. I can only imagine that at some point the loss of so many characters is going to catch up with Ultimate and the replacements just won't be able to hack it. Sooner or later, Wolverine fans will be too tough to ignore and someone is going to have to be brought back. Ultimate X can redeem itself. All comics can redeem themselves. I will give it that chance and if it does, I will eat every word the same way I eat a cheese pizza. But Ultimate dug a HUGE hole for itself with Ultimatum. It has a LONG way to go to get back. I can only hope 616 maintains it's quality or else DC will be getting more of my money. I do not look forward to that day. I still remember fondly looking forward to every Ultimate release. I want to be able to do that again. It would be a shame if all those glorious Ultimate X-men and Ultimate Spider-Man graphic novels I bought were for nothing.