Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #18

In the real world, conspiracy theories are as likely to be true as miracle cure for weight loss. Some people just can't accept the fact that the world is just way more boring than it is in their fantasies. These are the same people who watch Oliver Stone movies and think they're documentaries. They're probably the same people that watch porn and think the women don't fake their orgasms. That's part of why the unfolding story in Uncanny Avengers is so compelling and no, I'm not referring to fake orgasms. The Apocalypse Twins hatched a conspiracy to destroy the whole planet and transport every mutant to a new world without them knowing the truth. In the end they succeeded. Only Havok and Wasp know the truth. Every other mutant is probably content to accept that the human race just got tired of attacks by Thanos and cosmic birds and decided to off itself. Well now that conspiracy is set to unravel in Uncanny Avengers #18 with the arrival of Planet X. I just hope those same conspiracy buffs don't find some shitty way to link this story with the JFK assassination.

But the format of this story is not like a shitty Oliver Stone movie that takes way too many liberties with history. In addition, anyone who read the previous arc doesn't need Kevin Costner to go on some long-winded bullshit speech about grassy knolls and secret CIA operations. The conspiracy that led to Planet X is already well established. But most of the mutant population doesn't know this. They only know that a Celestial destroyed Earth and wiped its ass with the entrails. The official explanation is that Thor's balls just got bigger than his hammer and he got too drunk one night and picked a fight with the wrong Celestial. As a result, the entire fucking Earth got destroyed and all humans died with it.

Now all the mutants live in a comfortable, cozy utopia known as Planet X. There are no Sentinels hunting them down, no governments threatening to throw them into concentration camps, and no Fox News. It's practically paradise and it once again comes courtesy of the Scarlet Witch and her incredibly overpowered skills. I imagine most mutants are okay with not having to deal with us crazy humans anymore. But Havok, who knows how the Apocalypse Twins gave the finger to the Earth, the Celestials, and everything in between, is trying to undo it. Now years into the future as Planet X is now akin to a shitty Disney ride about the world of tomorrow, he's on the run for not embracing a world without humans. In addition, he's got some nice inner monologue as he's running through the crowds and none of them involve, "Bitch, get out of my way!" I guess he never walked through downtown Baltimore in the middle of a snowstorm. It doesn't reveal much. It just reveals he has a daughter and he's telling her how much he wants to undo the shit storm that the Apocalypse Twins unleashed. But first, he has to escape the likes of Blob, Pyro, and an old school Brotherhood of Mutants line-up. Except they call themselves X-Force. And they don't explain how the fuck Blob got his powers back either. Maybe he just went on a strict pig, steak, and cheesecake diet. Anyone who can go on that diet and not die of a heart attack has to be a mutant.

Yet despite his exceedingly unhealthy physique, Havok manages to evade Blob. He then blatantly rips off Star Wars Episode II by leaping out of a window and into a sea of flying cars. But I guess if he's going to rip off any Star Wars movie, it might as well be from one of the shitty prequels. It helps that Havok is a bit more sympathetic than Anakin Skywalker. Sure, he's been a bit of a douche over the course of Uncanny Avengers. But he's no Dearth Vadar. He keeps talking about his daughter and how being a hero in this instance means destroying this utopian world.

Now that may sound like a dick move and on some levels it is. If I were a little more drunk, I might actually root against him. But I'm only on my third shot of tequila so I can see why this does technically count as heroic. Havok knows, unlike every other mutant on Planet X, that this sweet little deal came at the expense of an elaborate practical joke that ended in mass genocide. The human race did nothing to deserve the bullshit judgment of the Celestials. It was all the Apocalypse Twins. And as nice as Planet X looks, it just isn't worth the death of 7 billion people. Maybe if it cost only Wyoming, South Dakota, and Afghanistan it might be worth it. But not 7 billion people.

In chasing down Havok, Blob reveals he probably went to a school in Texas that teaches creationism because he flat out fails a simple physics lesson when he jumps out after Havok. He probably thought just landing on Havok's squishy bones and flesh would cushion his fall. That or praying would turn off gravity. He probably didn't think that Wasp would show up and catch Havok before he became a nasty stain on Blob's ass. Even a douche like Havok doesn't deserve such a terrible fate. But in saving him, we also find out that Wasp is the last human alive. And of all the sexy mutants she could have hooked up with, she chose Havok. I don't claim to understand why women hook up with certain guys so I'll just assume alcohol is involved to some extent. I'll also assume that Havok at least inherited some of the power of Cyclops's penis. Wasp isn't Jean Grey or Emma Frost, but she's right up there on my list of female Avengers I want to see naked. So I'll give Havok points for that.

There's not much time for romance or even a mid-air quickie. In wake of Blob's failed physics test, Magneto shows up and he makes clear he's a man who didn't get his education from Pat Robertson. He's a bit older. He's sporting a Mel Gibson style beard now as well. Yet he doesn't look anywhere near as crazy. Rather than go on some anti-Semitic rant, Magneto shows his powers aren't broken anymore by whipping up a little metal storm. So that makes two instances where mutants affected by M-Day and Avengers vs. X-men somehow shrug off their side-effects. I know that's only a minor detail, but again I haven't had enough shots of tequila to make me overlook such details. It's not too jarring, but if a drunk like me notices then the sober crowd out there will probably notice as well.

The details may be lacking, but there are only so many details necessary for a chase scene. That's basically what this is. Instead of guns, this involves mutant powers and that's what makes it 10 times more awesome. At least they don't have to reload off-screen like they do in every Mission Impossible movie. With help from Wasp, Havok shows that his powers sure as hell aren't broken. He unleashes a nasty blast that probably gives Magneto one of those "I'm too old for this shit" moments. He even manages to get Toad caught in the crossfire. I guess that means that even on a mutant utopia, Toad is still a pussy.

Havok and Wasp buy time, but Blob is still not willing to let explosions or gravity stand in his way. I'm guessing this guy really hated physics class in school. I see why Bill Nye is so worried about shitty education now. But Blob has already proven to be more inept than a drunk storm trooper so it's really no contest now. Wasp goes to take him on while Havok tries to finish what she couldn't in the previous issue, which was to destroy the temporal dam that kept them from using any Back to the Future gimmicks to undo the Apocalypse Twins' handiwork. I imagine something like this would have been really handy for Age of Ultron, but hindsight is like a sobriety test. It only shows how fucked we are when it's too late.

Wasp is able to make quick work of Blob and even throw in a few fat jokes. Hell, I'm surprised she resisted for this long. But Havok ends up having to confront Magneto. And not surprisingly, he's not too keen on the idea of undoing this mutant utopia that his daughter died to create. I also imagine he's not too fond of having to deal with us annoying humans again. I can't say I blame him. One episode of Duck Dynasty is all it takes for a guy like him to be okay with mass planetary genocide. But Magneto shows that he still doesn't know the full story. He still buys into the whole "Thor fucked everyone over in a drunken stupor" story. Granted, that story is probably more believable than any of the shit involving the Apocalypse Twins, but Havok isn't buying it.

While it still amounts to a glorified chase scene, there is at least a touch of drama added into this struggle. It's hard to root against Havok or Magneto in this instance. Havok wants to undo a cruel, genocidal trick. Magneto wants to preserve this mutant utopia while making sure he never has to go back to a world of bigotry, prejudice, and reality TV. It's basically a "do the right thing" vs. "shit happens so let's make the most of it" type deal. I'm sure plenty of people would love to go back in time and kill Hitler. But that would mean we would have no awesome World War II video games and where would the world be without those?

That's another debate though. And there's not much debate here. Havok just shoots Magneto in the face and escapes. So the drama is somewhat muted. At least it highlights the inescapable fact that some people are perfectly fine with a world built on a foundation that includes mass genocide. But it doesn't stay completely muted. In blasting Magneto, Havok gets tossed around like a crack pipe at a Rick Jame concert. And while Magneto gets roughed up like a hooker at said Rick James concert, he manages to capture Wasp. That effectively ends the chase because now it's not necessary. Now Havok has a reason to come to him. This is why guys like Blob probably cheated off of guys like Magneto in high school. He works smarter and not harder. Hell, that's the old mantra of Enron and since there's no SEC in Planet X, I imagine it's not frowned upon.

With so much chasing mixed with explosions and fat jokes, the substance for the story thus far has been pretty light. Hell, it doesn't need to be that elaborate. Havok and Wasp are just trying to travel to the past so they can undo the shit that the Apocalypse Twins unleashed. They spend most of this issue trying to keep their asses intact with Havok's inner monologue providing most of the depth. But I imagine many unsober minds like myself probably overlook that monologue at times and focus on the pretty explosions and the pretty women in skin tight outfits. That means a little extra substance goes a long way.

A good chunk of Havok's monologue was addressed to his daughter. Well after escaping Magneto, he manages to catch up with his daughter, Katie. She basically lives a very Anne Frank existence, hiding with Beast who Havok is hoping can send him into the past. He fucked Father Time in the ass before when he brought the O5 to the future. I imagine he's okay with doing it again. But adding Havok's daughter to the mix adds in a bit more urgency. It's a tender moment in an issue that involves old men getting shot in the face and fat guys getting their asses kicked by Sir Isaac Newton's laws of gravitation. However, this tender moment is also somewhat muted because it's built on a relationship between Havok and Wasp that really isn't all that epic. Hell, these two only flirted a bit in past issues. They're not Marvel's new power couple. Their love isn't nowhere near the epic love story that made Stephanie Meyer filthy fucking rich. It's basically just put together for the sake of adding more drama. It works in this context. It's just not going to get anybody's heart racing like the sight of a baby playing with a kitten.

But drama and epic love stories aren't going to fix this shit storm that the Apocalypse Twins kicked up. The whole reason why they're working so damn hard to destroy the temporal dam is because their buddy, Immortus, has gathered an A-team of future Marvel heroes to travel back in time and kick a little Apocalypse ass. Well that might sound good on paper, but then again I'm sure making Battlefield Earth into a movie sounded like a good idea at some point as well. While they managed to destroy the dam this time, the help they get doesn't come from Immortus. It comes from fucking Kang the Conqueror. Havok might have been better off trying to get help from Magneto, but he's somewhat past that point. Kang was the one that took the Apocalypse Twins in the first place and turned them into fucked up little tyrants. Who else is in a better position to unfuck them in the worst possible way? Plus, he has Thor, 2099 Doom, and a whole host of future Marvel characters backing him up. Even on a world dominated by mutants with Magneto acting as its protector, that makes for a much fairer fight.

This issue is part Fast and the Furious, part Back to the Future, and part Mission Impossible. With a combination like that, it sounds like it has way too much potential not to be awesome. And don't get me wrong. It is awesome. It's the kind of comic that's easy to read while drunk, stoned, or strung out on these weird green pills I got from this guy in a hoodie outside a gay bar. What keeps it from turning this potential into liquid awesome that could be injected like a fresh batch of heroin is that is there's not as much substance to match the style. It's like heroin that has been cut with chalk instead of baking soda or sugar. I don't mind it being cut. Drug dealers need to make their money too. It just needs to be cut in the right way. And while this issue did mix in some nice moments of drama and heart, it didn't do so in a way that will get anybody's panties wet. I give Uncanny Avengers #18 a 7 out of 10. But for those whose panties are soaked by the thought of extended chase scenes and fat guys getting roughed up, that score might be higher. Then again, style over substance that involves shit blowing up and fat guys getting humbled sounds downright American in some respects. So I guess only those who are true patriots or from Texas will get downright horny from this. Nuff said!

Ultimate X #4 - Bullshit Has A New BFF

Strap on your rubber boots because we're about to take a swim through an ocean of bullshit mixed with elephant jizz. That's right. I'm about to review an Ultimate book. I know what some of you may be thinking. I've gone on record as stating that I hate the Ultimate books with the fire of a trillion supernovas. It's gotten to the point where I wish I never got into these comics in the first place. If I could go back in time, I would strangle my younger self while telling him to put his life savings into Apple and Netflix stock to prevent myself from ever giving half a damn about these books in the first place. I wasted 10 years of my life that I'll never get back on this shit. Ultimatum ruined it and Ultimate X is the skanky cousin who got gang-banged by a bunch of meth-head hobos that was spawned from it. The writing has been terrible, the story has been shit, and most insulting of all the characters that were maimed in Ultimatum are now being replaced by pathetic replacements.

If that weren't enough, this fucking series was delayed more than Guns n' Roses's last album. The last issue came out in June 2010. Well it's March 2011 and only NOW issue four is coming out. This is because artist Art Adams sees fit to draw as slowly as possible for quality that's no better than a ten-year-old tracing the boobs on a Victoria's Secret model. Seriously, the man's art is praised as if it was drawn with the entrails of Jesus and menstrual blood from the Virgin Mary. The only thing worth praising here is how anybody has the patience to wait for this guy when in the time that this series has been delayed books like Uncanny X-Force, Generation Jean Rip-off, and X-23 have all released more than four issues and done a much better job of it. Oh, and they fucking sold better as well! Uncanny X-Force was the #1 selling book when it came out. Ultimate X doesn't even outsell the later issues of Ultimate X-men. Yet they still won't call this shit a failure? What the fuck are they smoking at Marvel and where can I get some?

So again, why am I reviewing this? It's a slow week for comics and I had a string of very bad days. I need some time to vent. Plus, everyone is lining up to praise this piece of shit just because it finally came out and Art Adams is drawing it. That's like praising George W. Bush for only fucking up two countries instead of three. There should be an opposing viewpoint for those who are still fuming at how Ultimatum destroyed what was once such a wonderful series. It means I actually have to read this book and resist the urge to rip my eyes out and throw them in the nearest bonfire, but that's how much I care about this blog and those that read it. So here goes nothing and if you have a weak stomach, please for the love of Galactus, Zeus, Odin and everything holy go to the closest German fetish porn site. That will be far less disturbing than the crap I'm about to review.

Ultimate X #4 is based on Liz Allen, who used to be a mainstay in Ultimate Spider-Man. Then before Ultimatum ruined everything, she found out that she was a mutant (the Ultimate version of Firestar to be precise) and that Blob was her father. How a girl can be as thin as her and related to Blob defies even the lousy physics that comics puts forth, but she's had her share of issues. After Ultimatum she basically disappeared and this comic tells her story and tells it in a way that sucks the scrotum right off a rhino. It turns out Ultimatum didn't hurt her a damn bit. She moved to fucking Orange County with her mother and started living life all the pompous douche-bags on the Jersey Shore. Not only that, she found out she has a brother. Apparently Liz Allen's mother couldn't keep her legs closed and let Blob knock her up a second time. And the kid she shat out of her twat takes after her father a lot more in that he's a fat stereotype slob.

There are these annoying red text boxes all over the pages. They're supposed to be Liz Allen's mother narrating, but it might as well be Jeph Loeb himself trying to explain his shitty rationalization for making garbage like this. Mini-Blob's name is Theodore Allen and he gets himself into trouble with the principal (who looks like the Grinch fucked Wolverine). For some reason, throwing a fucking cheeseburger is all it takes to get suspended for a week. I've been to high school and I know for a fact that's bullshit. Throwing food may get you detention, but a week-long suspension? What was on that burger, C4?

If that weren't bad enough, the narration from Liz Allen's mother is progressively more disturbing. She actually describes how she got drunk and snorkled Blob's chud. She described it like an Earthquake. In a series that already has full blown incest with the Maximoff twins, this is enough to make you want to surgically remove your stomach. What good is it to describe how a cute girl fucked a fat ugly slob? There's fetish porn for shit like that and at least those have the decency to not depict fucking Earthquakes!

Back at Liz's house, she talks with her mom about what a massive douche Teddy is. Even if she's right, her mother slaps her across the face because it's her late slob baby daddy who has been providing for them. That or she has to justify the massive damage done to her snatch for her. For a girl that actually lives a decent life and is a mutant, you would think she would have some sympathy for her own flesh and blood. She's an even bigger douche in this than Teddy and he's the Blob replacement in this series that is full of bullshit replacements.

We then catch up with the rest of the bullshit replacements that Ultimate X has squeezed out through it's proverbial poop tube. Jimmy Hudson (Wolverine rip-off) and Derek Morgan (the bastard son of Daredevil and Batman, two comics Jeph Loeb used to write coincidentally) are staying in a motel with Karen Grant (who is Jean Grey after Art Adams turned her into an emo bitch who looks fucking 14 when she's actually 20). The two rip-offs just piss and moan about not knowing what they're doing. All Karen does is say they're being stupid and careless while reminding them that the X-men are dead. Really? They still haven't gotten that message across? Then what the fuck is the point of a scene like this? To just show how royally fucked they are? Great writing! I've seen better filler in a bacon cheeseburger that the cook spat on.

So forget that useless scene and go back to the school. The next day Teddy's friend, Evan, who looks like a stereotypical mock-up of every school shooter in history mixed with Toad from X-men Evolution brings a gun to school. Then for reasons that aren't even that clear he starts shooting. No I'm not exaggerating. It's really not fucking clear in the slightest. Everybody was making fun of Teddy. Nobody said shit to this Evan kid. Yet he feels inclined to bring a gun to school? Where the fuck was his story? That seems like a pretty important part to overlook, a kid messed up enough to shoot up his school. It feels like yet more Ultimatum style shock value. Well after seeing shit like Blob eating Wasp, the shock card is pretty much played out. If Loeb or the editors can't get that, then they're beyond help.

Just as with Columbine and Virginia Tech, the shooting becomes a media frenzy. And what are the kids at the school doing? Are they running for their lives and taking cover like the survivors of previous shootings are? No! They're standing around Evan taking fucking pictures with their phones! Seriously, THAT'S what Loeb thinks people are inclined to do! So let me get this straight...these kids just stick around long enough for the news crews to arrive? And all they can do besides shit themselves is take fucking pictures with their phone?! Anyone who has seen a shooting of any kind will be able to call bullshit.

So Evan is basically feeling all hot and famous now. As if sociopaths are just cheerful as Charlie Sheen at the Playboy Mansion. Teddy, resisting his father's cannibalistic urges, tries to coax his friend into getting off the crazy train. In a perfectly reasonable response, Evan shoots his friend. Well given this is a replacement Blob we're dealing with here, the shot does jack shit. Blob ripoff says it tickles. Yeah, Loeb's dialog isn't going to give Shakespeare a run for his many anytime soon.

Well shit hits the fan because apparently mutants are more terrifying than gun-toting teenage psychopaths. NOW those dumb-ass kids who were snapping pictures with their phones start running. Really? A fat kid who can take a bullet is more terrifying than a gun? Are there even enough WTF's on the entire internet to rationalize that shit?

So in another completely random shift, Liz Allen decides to defend the brother she stated earlier that she couldn't stand to be around. She activates her power to come to his aid. Again, where the fuck is this coming from? She knows her brother isn't going to get hurt. He's a fucking Blob ripoff now! So why come to his rescue? He doesn't fucking need it! Seriously, what is she gaining from a stunt like this? It amounts to absolute dick.

Then there's an explosion. No, that's not a porno metaphor. That's what happens. Somehow Liz's fire conjuring creates an explosion. I shit you not. It's like Loeb is pathologically intent on making shit explode. There's no explanation as to how this happened. Liz touches the gun in one panel and in the next, there's an explosion. Since when does a fucking handgun have the ability to explode like that? And since when does Liz's fire powers involve making shit explode? How much of this is just being pulled out of the asses of the people making this garbage? In a series where Ultimatum was allowed to happen, this is par for the course yet still just as sickening.

In another bullshit fuck-up of reality, the rest of the non X-men show up. Again, how the fuck did they get there so quickly when they have no X-jet and admitted earlier to taking greyhound buses all over the country? It's like someone issued a memo to the Ultimate writers and said any effort at filling in plot holes will result in anal rape by a 12-inch dildo. Moreover, their pitch sucks. Aside from Jean ripping off a line from Terminator (again, Loeb's dialog is about artistic as a puddle of vomit) they offer Liz basically nothing. There's no X-men. There's no safe haven. Yet somehow they can keep them safe? What the fuck kind of an offer is that and why would anyone take it seriously?!

For once, the bad guys actually make a better pitch. Pietro shows up, who by the way looks like a ferret fucked a gypsy. He basically just offers a better life. No details. No specifics. Nothing. He just says he knows Teddy's father and that's about it. He argues with Jean for a moment, but again there's nothing of substance. They don't say anything about what they're doing or why the fuck they're doing it. They just say they're gathering mutants. That's it. It's not a mystery as much as it is pissing into the wind. Ultimatum rendered all mutants assholes and there's nothing they can do to change it. So why the fuck would they bother?

In the end Liz goes with the non X-men and Blob ripoff goes with Pietro. That's right, the son of the greatest mass murderer of all time is more trustworthy than a sibling that just stood up for your fat ass. Then he has the titanic sized balls to say his gun-toting friend was kind of right? What the fuck kind of logic is this kid using and what the fuck kind of storytelling leads to an outcome like this? It's the same bullshit that made Ultimatum such a horrible piece of garbage that shouldn't be held near an open flame. So Liz goes one way and we get another replacement character joining the other side. In a book that's already full of replacements, what kind of bullshit justifies a shit storm like Ultimatum when all that happens in return is a bunch of replacement characters? That remains the biggest problem with this book. Whereas Generation Jean ripoff only has one replacement character, this whole fucking series is built around them. Unless you don't mind shoving your face in hypocritical bullshit, this book should disgust you more than Japanese fetish porn.

There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this book. The dialog is shit and in some cases plagiarized. The art is horrible. Everybody in this book looks like they have fucking Marfan's Syndrome. I don't know what Art Adams did during the delays, but his character depictions in this book are so lousy you could have paid an autistic homeless guy in watered down vodka and he would have drawn better shit than this. It's not enough that this book is uglier than Courtney Love's pussy, but the story and characters in it are so completely fucked that it would take a nuclear powered microscope to find any trace of depth. Shit just happens. People talk and react as illogically as you can conceive. That's the basic summery of this collection of mule shit.

Jeph Loeb and Art Adams are a great team on Hulk, but in this book they might as well be nitro and glycerine. There is absolutely nothing appealing here. Unless you're brain damaged or high off your tits on a mix of DMT and Peyote, this book is dangerous to be around. It shouldn't be held around an open flame and it shouldn't be placed within 15 light years of another Ultimate comic. If anyone ever cared about Ultimate before Ultimatum, this book will act like sulfuric acid being injected into your urethra. Seriously, Marvel let Jeph Loeb butchered Ultimate X-men for this shit?! Just so we can get a bunch of shitty replacement characters and poorly conceived plots that hold together about as well as the former Soviet Union? Are you fucking kidding me?!

There isn't a score low enough to give this book. I can only give it a 0 out of 5. I'd give it negative numbers if I could, but I'd rather not completely fuck up my rating system for the sake of describing just how bad this book is. If all the shitty stories surrounding Ultimatum didn't bother you, then this shit won't bother you either. It won't blow you away. It'll make you envy the the deaf, the blind, and the comatose. I never thought I would be so disgusted by an Ultimate book. There was a time when Ultimate was my favorite series. There were rarely any books I even thought were just so-so. Then Ultimatum came along and fucked it up so bad that I want to burn every Ultimate book I ever bought and demand that someone at Marvel conceive of a way for me to get that last 10 years of my fucking life back. I would surrender a kidney and a left lung to completely forget about the Ultimate universe and Marvel comics in general. Even that would be less painful than seeing shit like this on the racks next to books that are actually worth reading.

I still follow Ultimate because I have a sub-atomic bit of hope that at some point, Marvel will decide that horribly maiming the characters that Disney paid so much to get the rights to wasn't a good idea. Ultimate is not beyond saving, but books like Ultimate X make it require an act of God, a deal with Mephisto, a gesture from Galactus, and a war with Odin to become acceptable again. If you or a loved one values your health and passion for all things decent, you'll keep them away from Ultimate X and Ultimate comics in general. This comic is so fucked that even Keith Richards won't snort it. Fuck Ultimate! Fuck Ultimate X! Fuck Ultimatum! Nuff said.