Batman Beyond #8 - Blacked Out Awesome

It's almost here! The big DC relaunch is almost upon us! And here I am reviewing a book that really won't be affected by it. I don't know if that's luck, karma, or my tenancy to fuck with DC. Either way, it's hard to ignore at this point. It would be like coming home from work and ignoring a massive orgy with out-of-work penthouse models, midget wrestlers, and a donkey. It just can't be done. So I'm not going to try as I review Batman Beyond #8. I've been following this series since DC decided to dust this old idea off, give it a fresh enema of awesome, and relaunch it. For the most part, it's been pretty damn awesome. Even with the DC relaunch waving it's dick in the face of the comic industry, it still is able to stand out.

The first mini was about bringing in new enemies and revisiting old faces that never showed up in the cartoon. The new series took it a bit further, mixing both new characters and old. We got to see a new villain who was corny as hell that called himself Matter Master. We also got to see the future Justice League. Then in the last arc, Derek Powers (future DC's equivalent of Rupert Murdoch) returned as Blight and tried to fuck up both Batman and his son. It ended with him dissolving in a puddle of radioactive ooze while Bruce was left to undo the damage done by Powers's lawyers, which in an of itself should have been an equally epic battle. So by and large, the series has done a great job balancing new stories and old stories. The cynic in me says that it's only a matter of time before a story comes along that throws that balance out of whack. That or it's just the voice in my head that keeps telling me to drink more whiskey, but it's hard to tell.

Batman Beyond #8 may or may not be that book those voices were warning me about. Whereas the last arc reintroduced Derek Powers, this one revisits the second major villain that Terry McGinnis confronted when he put on the mask: Inque. Who is Inque? Picture a homicidal goth with shape-shifting abilities. She's like Mystique, only harder to masturbate to. She was one of Terry's most tenacious and frustrating foes, leading to moments that did push the Kids WB censors (let's just say they had to be tactful for a scene where Terry threw up black globs of ooze). This issue starts out with yet another battle between Inque and Batman. And when I say it starts out I mean there's no fucking build-up whatsoever. We walk in on the fight the same way a mother walks in on her 12-year-old son with a Victoria's Secret catalog in one hand and himself in the other. It's not quite as jarring, but it is a little unnerving.

If you've watched Batman Beyond, you'll see plenty of familiar shit. Whenever Inque and Batman are within spitting distance of one another, they see fit to beat the everloving shit out of one another. Now it's not clear why they're fighting. I'm assuming Inque hijacked a truck full of orphans or something, but I think the point of this scene is just to demonstrate that Inque is really badass and can rough up Batman and a bunch of Gotham's finest. If that was the goal, then I would say the defense rests.

However, it isn't enough for Inque to just rough up some cops. Remember, this is a comic. DC doesn't have to abide by those pussy Kids WB rules. That means they can be a little ediger this time. That means she can take full advantage of her Inque form and literally ram herself down a guy's throat and not in the way that makes for awesome gay porn. She can get in, fuck up their insides, and get out in a way that's worse than dry heaving over a dirty toilet in Tijuana. It's groteque and graphic. You'll never see that shit on TV, which makes it all the more awesome to witness in a comic.

This is something I was hoping that this series would do. Comics can afford to be a little edgier here. I'm not saying that Inque should become a tentacle monster and impersonate Japanese anime porn, but DC shouldn't be afraid to go a bit further than they did with the cartoon. I liked this scene and there have been a handful of others. I hope there are more in future issues because I'm just so sick of the FCC's bullshit.

There's no feel-good ending to this little scuffle. Batman doesn't outsmart Inque, encase her in ice, or wrap her up in a nice bow for the police to take in. Like most white collar criminals, the bad guy gets away this time. Inque roughed up Batman, but didn't stick around to finish him off. She's found out in previous battles that pushing her luck with Batman is like waving your dick at the IRS. He finds a way to make you regret it. So while Terry is pulling himself together and trying to assemble what's left of his dignity, Inque gets away. It's not the first time it's happened in Batman Beyond. It probably won't be the last. However, this is the point where the comic takes a defining turn that will leave some dizzy and others sick to their stomachs.

Start rolling your eyes because the clip show begins here! That's right, the rest of this comic is basically a fucking clip show in the form of a flashback. I remember clip shows. They annoyed the fuck out of me. They never moved the story forward. They were gimmicks so cheap that a billion of them couldn't get you a hand-job from a Zimbabwe hooker. But this isn't entirely a clip show equivalent. It's one big flashback that re-tell's Inque's past. It's actually a solid concept because we don't know shit about where Inque came from, but now they're telling us in this issue...the whole fucking issue. So yeah, if you don't care for flashbacks you're fucked.

It's pretty basic. Picture every Oliver Twist knock-off you ever heard. Inque's life is one of great tragedy. Her country was a shit hole. She grew up in a shit hole. So it's really not too surprising that she had some shitty luck that landed her on the black market looking to survive. I know it's gritty and tragic, but it's been done before. And there are real stories in the real world that are just this bad. Basically parodying them like this without any real depth is a dick move.

The weepy tragedy angel continues. Inque somehow gets smuggled into America the same way the Mexicans are smuggled in to do shitty jobs for shittier pay. So basically, Lou Dobs wants this woman dead. She's hungry and desperate so when some guy comes along asking her to be part of some fucked up medical experiment, she doesn't even think. Because when you're hungry, you'll let someone shoot you with animal jizz if it will get you a hot meal. So that's what happens. She ends up in a lab where she gets pumped full of mutagen among other things.

What are those other things? Well it's semen mostly. That's because she gets pregnant and has a baby. Remember, she did have a kid in the cartoon, but of course the show would never tell the story of a war refugee who gets raped and impregnated. She has the kid, but puts her up for adoption because she knows her life is fucked. That's when shit starts getting fucked up. That mutagen along with the semen really didn't react well so she started becoming more Inque-like. Thus begins her life as a Batman villain.

The problem with this teary eyed bullshit is it makes her too damn sympathetic. So she had such a rough life and we're supposed to feel sorry for her when she maims cops? And as soon as she gets her powers, she has absolutely nor problems maiming people for money? Sorry, but there's tragic and then there's just tragic for the sake of being tragic. It's eye-rolling to the point where you think it gives a bad name to the real orphans of the world. DC just tried way too fucking hard with Inque. That or they didn't try hard enough. It's hard to tell.

Needless to say, her daughter wasn't too thrilled to find out that her mother was a sociopath that overplayed the tragedy role. So it's hard to imagine why she would be surprised when her daughter screwed her over in one of the most ironic and satisfying moments in the Batman cartoon. But like all good villains, Inque survived and kept an eye on her daughter. Even though her daughter ran off with all her money, she just shrugged her shoulders and kept watching her. Wait what? She didn't do shit about her own daughter trying to kill her? Okay, that's pushing it even further. I get that Inque's life sucks, but trying to make up for it like this is fucking stupid.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There are actually some answers within this issue. Like how the fuck did Inque pull her sloppy ass together after her daughter screwed her over? Well simply put, she had help. Your typical mystery man in a lab coat shows up and offers her a hit of mutagen. And like a crack addict in withdraw, she jumps at the chance. This explains how she was able to show up in the first place so that's one major plot hole filled. It's doesn't completely overshadow the many eye-rolling aspects of this issue, but it does show that DC hasn't forgotten the stories that led up to this one and made an effort to fill them.

So now Inque is back and somewhat coherent. So what does she do? She goes back to her daughter. Yes, the same one that tried to kill her and take her money. Now this is usually an incident where corporal punishment is more than appropriate, but Inque has something different in mind. As it just so happens, her daughter is in a hospital bed. Being the daughter of someone who sucked up mutagen the same way Glenn Buck sucks the life out of logic, it's going to affect her. Now it looks like she may follow in dear mommy's footsteps and rather than spare her the discomfort she decides to make it worse. It's tough parenting, but given that teenage girls are probably still spoiled as fuck in the future I won't say it's completely inappropriate. Plus, it sets the stage for yet another Inque plot. We still had to go through an entire fucking clip show to get it, but it could have been worse.

Now let's state the obvious here. Not a whole hell of a lot happened in this issue. It was the comic book equivalent of a clips show. While it did fill in an old plot hole and give some overdue depth to a pretty badass character, it didn't do much with it. The reader might as well be in a lecture hall in college, getting lectured on the history of the sordid subject that is Inque without falling asleep or playing Angry Birds on your cell phone. Aside from the fight in the beginning, of which no explanation is given, there isn't a lot of action to speak of. It doesn't tie into the plots of the previous issue. It doesn't offer any progression from previous arcs. It almost feels like this should have been a one-shot for all Inque fans out there...all seven of them. This issue was essentially in a no-win situation. I respect what DC and Adam Beechen were trying to do here, but it might as well be trying to paint the Mona Lisa with a jar of spit.

Now I'm glad Beechen took some time to flesh Inque out. The problem is she's made into too much of a tragic character. She's the victim of a war, she's a mother, and she just wants to do what she thinks is best. Well, that really doesn't jive well with who she was in the show. In the show, Inque was an unapologetic sociopath that would gladly choke a police officer to death with her inky form and not bat an eye. That's not too tragic. Where at any point in this vignette did she become okay with maiming people? Where at any point did she completely lose her moral compass? That's not clear at any point. In fact, it's a big ass plot hole that makes it difficult to feel sorry for Inque let alone appreciate her story. While it does hint that there could be an interesting plot with her daughter unfolding, it still feels underwhelming by the sheer lack of coherence.

So I guess the voices in my head were right for once. I did get that extra bottle of whiskey and this was an issue that threw the careful balance of the previous stories out of whack. I can't completely step on it for revisiting a character from the show and trying to tell a story they never would have gotten past network censors. However, I can wave my proverbial finger at them for not tying it into the recent events of the series. It's an anomaly that is like a masseuse giving you a kick in the balls between the back rub and the happy ending. It's not a horrible story, but in the greater scheme of the series it does fall flat. So I'm left to give Batman Beyond #8 a 2 out of 5. This comic wasn't so terrible that I'm inclined to give up on the series, but this was a poor issue and one that DC should try hard to improve upon. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #6 - A Meltdown (of Awesome)

So the big wigs at DC comics got into my stash recently. They probably took a couple of the blue pills, broke up the purple pills, mixed them with the grayish powder wrapped in a used condom, and snorted it off the tits of a Power Girl cosplayer from last year's comic con. I assume after the strippers went home and the donkey passed out, the idea finally came to them that they should reboot their entire line. You have to be pretty fucking high to come up with something that bold and think it can work. Either Brett Favre is running DC secretly or they're really that crazy. But while the excitement/angst/outrage/shock sinks in, there are other ongoings quietly churning out awesome. Batman Beyond has been one of those books.

I know I don't review as many DC books anymore since Brightest Day ended. I'm sorry, but since then there hasn't been the same caliber awesome. Batman Beyond is an exception mixed as that hot step-sister you secretly jerked off to. It's not tied to the current insanity in the DCU. It basically takes the cartoon series that ended during Bush II's reign of error and continues it in a comic. It continues it well in fact. The mini brought Dick Grayson into the world of Batman Beyond when he hadn't even been uttered in the show. The new ongoing has picked up where Terry left off in the show, basically struggling with the same shit of being Batman and trying to manage what counts as a normal life in the 2040s. Yeah it's the future, but criminals are still everywhere and big businessmen are complete dicks.

This leads right into the current story that began in Batman Beyond #5. It started with a labor dispute at Wayne Industries that was triggered by a corrupt lawyer. Yeah, lawyers are dicks too in the future. No matter how advanced iphones get in the future, there's no app that'll stop men in suits from fucking people over. This came on the heels of the return of Derek Powers, aka Blight. He was the epitome of the future CEO douche-bag. While Bernie Madoff was content with stealing people's money, Powers was content to sell bio weapons to dictators with spare cash and an itchy trigger finger. An accident turned him into a radioactive Skeletor knock-off. In the show he was supposedly drowned in a sinking submarine. Well it took the show's cancellation and a new comic, but he's back. And what's the first thing he does? He tries to blow up both Batman and his douche-bag yet non-radioactive son, Paxton Powers.

The final page of the last issue made it look like there was no way they could survive, but this is fucking Batman we're talking about. Surviving explosions is like popping a zit. Paxton is a little less enthusiastic. Even after Batman saves him by stuffing him into an armored car, he's still whining like a little bitch who was forced to watch Pakistani animal porn. The whole building is coming down around him. Even though Paxton is the kind of overprivlidged douche who most people wouldn't mind watching get roasted like a redneck turkey, Batman still saves him. He also does it by taking a page right out of the Dark Knight, using the trade-mark motorcycle that just happened to be in the warehouse. I don't care of it is contrive or convenient. It looks pretty damn awesome. I just assume that's the 2030s equivalent of a Delorian.

Derek Powers sees all this from afar. He probably doesn't think it's nearly as awesome. He looks a bit different from his cartoon version. And why not? The show was on Kids fucking WB. They couldn't be too graphic to animate anything that resembled blood, tits, a wet fart. Powers has to wear this space-suit, which helps contain the radiation that he's dishing out more than free joints at a Willie Nelson concert. He offers a brief flashback as to how he survived. It directly recalls the sub from the episode in the cartoon. Not surprisingly, he survived and swam away. He then found a guy with brains and resources who he scared the piss out of enough to help him. It's not the most imaginative explanation, but it's still an explanation.

It further helps that this scene shows Beechen tying the comics directly to the show. Now this is part of what stands out about this series. It didn't have to follow the cartoon. It could have started from scratch and given Terry McGinnis a much grittier background. They could have made him a real deviant who dunked the heads of freshmen into a toilet he just pissed in and banging cheerleaders, all in the same afternoon. But they didn't. They kept everything from the cartoon. It's risky, but it keeps a strong sense of flow between the cartoon and comic. There aren't too many comics that have done that, especially for cartoons that only have reruns on random channels no one gives a shit about. So I applaud DC for taking the harder road.

Blight's ambition isn't just to render Batman sterile and make him go bald from radiation. He wants to take back the life he lost. He wants to be the rich, pampered CEO of Wayne Industries again. Yeah, he's a walking nuclear meltdown, but I'm sure most investors won't care so long as he keeps the stock price up. To do that he can't just destroy Batman. He has to make it so Wayne Industries needs him. Hence using dick-cheese lawyers to stir up trouble. That's almost as bad as radiation poisoning.

It's pretty sinister ploy. There aren't too many plots that can't be made more evil with parasitic lawyers. When Terry returns to the bat cave, he finds out from Bruce that while Powers failed to blow his ass up he's doing a bang up job blowing up Bruce's company. That labor bullshit that started in the last issue did what you would expect. It tanked the stock price and left the company that pays for all of Bruce's fancy bat toys in jeopardy. So Bruce being the sneaky old coot he is hatches a plan. He's going to try and lure out the asshole fucking up his company by trying to buy out the stock. It's a fucked up ploy that even Ted Turner would find insane. But he's fucking Batman (and possibly a little senile). He can get away with it.

Terry's not brave enough for Wall Street yet so he sticks to high school. There he meets up with Max, who played the role of the girlfriend he wasn't boning in the cartoon. They talk about Dana, who Terry recently broke up with for what is probably the sixth time (or maybe tenth given all the crap they dealt with in the show). She's still not talking to him, but she has an excuse this time. Her brother is back in town. Her brother that was in jail no less. He had to have been a touchy subject because she never even mentioned him. I'm assuming she never cried his name during sex. Max has her own issues. She's been dealing with the future equivalent of a Facebook stalker. She hasn't told Terry yet, but it's a plot that's still building. It's just building painfully slow.

Speaking of Dana's brother, we actually get to meet him here. He comes off about as friendly and sociable as that monkey that ripped a woman's face off. Dana is clearly as comfortable as Bristol Palin at an abortion clinic. He doesn't say much. He just says he's out of prison and it changed him. Aside from the flexing capacity of his asshole, that can be taken many ways. Before he goes into detail, he offers to cook Dana dinner. Seriously, that's what an ex-con does in the future. He decides to fucking cook. I guess they don't serve the same goop to prisoners that they serve in high school cafeterias. It's not much of an advance, but it's something.

Not much is done here. Dana's brother goes off, looking creepy as hell in the process. But that's about it. There's no hint as to what he's up to. He has the look of Ted Bundy at a sorority house, but nothing is shown. It's a bit disappointing and it causes the story to further drag. You get the sense that Batman Beyond is trying to develop multiple plots. It's just not being very efficient in some areas.

One plot that hasn't been dragging is the return of Blight. While Dana's brother is off cooking up his sharpened shank surprise, Terry goes back on duty as Batman. Bruce is set to open the stock market the next day as part of his ploy to get the assholes fucking up his company to show themselves. Batman is there to make sure nobody sets any traps without getting a bat-o-rang up the ass. And that's not a prison rape joke. Bruce even goes on to explain that his company is more than just something that pays the bat bills. It's part of his family legacy. Even though being Batman is important, the Wayne name is pretty damn important as well. It adds a touch of depth to Bruce's otherwise old and brooding personality in Batman Beyond. Terry probably doesn't know jack shit about the stock market, but he still understands.

There's just one problem with this elaborate business-plot of his. The guy on the other side is a businessman as well with the ethical fortitude of Josef Stalin. It's worth remembering that Derek Powers wasn't always a glow-in-the-dark psychopath. In the cartoon, he managed to usurp control of Wayne Industries from Bruce. Even if you are a douche, you still need to be pretty smart to pull shit like that off. So when he suspects that Bruce is launching a counter-measure, he launches one of his own. When Batman shows up at the stock exchange, he's right there waiting. The fight that ensues ends too quickly along with the comic. Blight is pretty pissed about being sunk in a fucking submarine and he's looking to take it out on Batman. It sets the stage for a fight that could double as botched chemotherapy in addition to being a typical Batman style ass-kicking.

So despite some slow plots, the return of Blight in Batman Beyond delivers with awesomely satisfying results. It shows that despite the mental breakdown DC had recently before deciding to re-launch their books, they're still competent enough to tell great stories with the book that won't be stained in that potential shit storm. Batman Beyond doesn't miss a beat. If you got a good thrill out of the old cartoon, you'll enjoy experiencing that thrill again with this comic. It's like going back to your high school reunion and banging that former cheerleader you got drunk with during your senior graduation party. She still has a nice ass and it's still pretty damn awesome.

It's far from perfect. While the comic has the same awesome essence as the show, it really doesn't improve all that much. This isn't Kids WB anymore. The comic could go a lot further now and it has to some extent, but within limits. Blight's new look is pretty sick, but that's about it. Given Batman Beyond's circumstances, it can't afford to be too slow or bland. Otherwise readers are going to get caught up in the whole 52 new number ones. I wish I could think more highly of the comic market, but that's how shit works in this world. This along with the slow development of certain plots keeps Batman Beyond from reaching it's full potential.

While parts of the issue are forgettable, Batman Beyond #6 succeeds in the most important area. It brought Blight back into the picture and set up a strong, in depth plot for him. It even took time to offer more insight into Batman's logistical issues, namely Bruce Wayne's company. It's not always touched on in Batman books, but when so much of your crime-fighting involves paying for super-expensive shit it is important. Batman Beyond #6 dealt with it masterfully and for that it gets a 4 out of 5. Since I don't want to run the risk of going on a rant about DC's relaunch initiative and the many imitations it's spawned (namely Marvel's decision to relaunch Uncanny X-men), I'll just say Batman Beyond is a great escape from DC's current madness. Enjoy it before the shit hits the fan and everything starts stinking. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #5 - A Blight of Awesome

Let's face it, most of crazy futures predicted in fiction are complete bullshit. Whether it's the utopian future of peace, prosperity, and people generally acting like pussies or the post-apocalyptic future where humans are reduced to cattle it's always extreme in a ridiculously inane way. Then there's the future of Batman Beyond. From the old cartoon to the new comics, it's done something with the future that shocks any reader looking for a giant robot to floss it's teeth with the bones of captured humans. It shows frighteningly little progress in the human condition. The world of Batman Beyond and the new Batman, Terry McGinnis, isn't much different from the world of today. Crime is still rampant. Politicians are still dicks. Disease and death still make puppies cry. And corporations are still as greedy as ever. The only difference is the buildings are bigger and the cars are fancier. Seeing as how my old Chevy looks like a piece of shit compared to the latest Toyota, that's a future I'm inclined to believe.

It's this gritty realism mixed with futuristic elements that has made Batman Beyond such a joy to read. Since the series became an ongoing, it's gone beyond (I know it's a lousy pun so please don't bust my balls) picking up the slack from the old cartoon. It's become a force unto itself. The mini brought Dick Grayson into the mix. It also brought in a future version of Hush. The new ongoing brought in the future version of the Justice League and even Sam, the pink-haired chick who acted as Batman's annoying side-kick for the last two seasons of the show. It's been a unique blend of using new elements and old elements. Batman Beyond #5 continues that tradition by bringing in a plot that went unresolved from the show. It also has a theme that would make Ayan Rand rise from the grave and hang herself.

Batman Beyond #5 starts with our old friend, Paxton Powers. For those of you playing the home game, Paxton Powers is the douche-bag son of Derek Powers, the even bigger douche-bag that took control of Bruce Wayne's company and turned it into his own personal tool of douche-baggery. Derek Powers had to step down on account of being bathed in radiation and turned into a glow-in-the-dark supervillian called Blight. Paxton took over and did to the company what the Jersey Shore did to reality TV. It took a bad thing and made it even more shitty. He ended up in jail for the kind of corporate shenanigans that even Bernie Madoff would shake his head at. We revisit the bum in jail where he gets a very unwelcome visitor.

It's a one-page taste of foreboding. If you never saw the show you wouldn't know what the hell is going on. But if you're from Wisconsin you know all about what happens next. Batman's latest fight isn't against a new wave of Jokers, a new Mr. Freeze, or some terrifying futuristic villain with a terrible name (look at YOU Matter Master!). It's labor unrest. That's right. The future still hasn't resolved the issues between labor unions and businesses. Batman can do a shit ton of good, but he's powerless when it comes to angry labor unions.

What's odd here is the protesters treat Batman as if he's the one spending their pension funds on imported strippers and statues made out of cocaine. It seems to come out of nowhere. Bruce Wayne says to Terry that his company never had labor issues. But let's be honest, a business that never has labor issues isn't a business. It's a fantasy. This is just the first time someone had to use tear-gas. No really, that's how much progress they've made in the future. They still use tear gas at labor protests. So much for progress!

Now this is a pretty gritty issue for a comic to cover and that's actually worth noting. Whenever comics mix with politics, it's more awkward than a gay man marrying a trans-gendered lesbian. But this actually has some real-world connotations. Batman is up against a villain he can't just hand over to the commissioner. These are just regular guys who are pissed off at their jobs. Wayne suspects there might be mind control involved. Terry says he sees genuine anger. That may mean that this is real or just very well-hidden. Whatever the case, it's a very different battle for Batman to fight. The fact it takes place in the future while it's still a big problem in the present says a lot. I don't know if Adam Beechen is on the payroll for George Soros, but I'm sure he'll get a fruit basket for this scene. And just like in the present, news of labor protests don't bode well for stock prices. Wayne Enterprise's stock goes down faster than Snooki at a baccalaureate party.

If that weren't real enough, there's a quick break into Terry's personal life. At the start of this series and throughout the cartoon, he's been dating Dana Tan. On a number of occasions, Dana has broken up with him. She's done it with as much regularity as Barry Bonds faces new drug allegations. So it's not too surprising when she meets Terry at a diner and basically does it again. She makes some compelling points. She doesn't feel like she's treated well since he puts being Batman above everything else (granted she doesn't know about it). But what sets this apart from the past breakups is the backdrop. In the previous issue it was revealed that Dana's brother got out of prison. So it has the feel of something more complicated. And since Aquagirl has yet to dry hump Batman, Dana doesn't come off as being too serious.

The whole realism angle continues, which for a comic that takes place in a future fictional city is starting to get really awkward. A guy named Godfrey, who looks about as honest as hungry wolf with a full blown erection, meets with Bruce Wayne to discuss the labor issue. Bruce even points out that he's as corrupt as any guy in an imported suit can get. That doesn't stop Godfrey from smiling like a jackass and making demands so unreasonable that even a senile old man can smell the bullshit. That doesn't stop him from being the only guy who can resolve the labor dispute.

He may not be as deranged as the joker, but the sad truth is there are probably guys in the real world just like him. So if your faith in the future hasn't been shattered at this point, please let me know what drugs your on so I can get some.

If the book is too real for you at this point, I'm sorry to say it doesn't get much better. The next scene may be a painful reminder of your last family reunion because it involves an ex-con coming home. Remember Dana? The girl who just broke up with Terry? Well that brother of hers that's been mentioned a few times is back. As soon as she gets home, she confronts him. She looks about as thrilled as a girl who just saw her mother giving a blow-job to the mail-man. And her brother, Doug, looks about as honest as a guy who just blew up an orphanage and took a dump on the ashes.

There are so many unsavory characters in this book, yet they aren't even super-villains! Either I'm high or I'm missing something. Or both...either works. But Terry's personal issues are a secondary concern, at least for Bruce. We finally get some escapism as Terry dawns his Batman suit and flies around in his supped up flying car. Now there's a future to look forward to again! Bruce has him investigate that lawyer who tried to fuck his company with an eighty-story dick. He finds out that Paxton Powers, the same guy who got sprung earlier, is the one who paid him. So that's all the excuse Terry needs to find Paxton and beat the everloving piss out of him. All you ultra-liberal types are probably jerking off to the idea as we speak. I'll let you finish before I continue.

It doesn't take him long to find Paxton. He's set up shop in an old R&D building, which is about as generic a super-villain base you can get without it being at the south pole. Paxton looks about as thrilled a kid who just found out his dog was put down. He tries to explain to Batman that he's as confused as anyone else. He got out of jail and doesn't know how. That's either the greatest escape plan ever or the dumbest excuse ever. Terry is suspicious and probably ready to kick his ass. Then Bruce figures it out. It's a trap, which happens as often as the sun rises when dealing with corporate douche-bags. The whole damn building blows up. It may be a metaphor for corporate greed, but it's a pretty shocking way for Batman's meeting with Paxton go go in a book that hasn't been too heavy on shocks.

Now who would go through the trouble of solving problems by blowing them up? Outside of Mythbuster reruns, it takes a pretty unstable son-of-a-bitch to pull it off. On the final page of the issue, that's exactly what's delivered. The guy behind this explosive plot is not some lawyer or labor protester or ex-con of an ex-girlfriend. It's Derek Powers, aka Blight. There's no real-world metaphor for this guy. He's as basic a comic super-villain as they come and he's got a long list of reasons to blow up both his son and Batman. He disappeared from the show despite it being hinted that he would return. While I'm sure it would have made a killer episode, it's nice to see it finally come together in the pages of this issue!

The explosive ending was an explosive way to end a book that was full with more realism than you would expect in a comic book, let alone a book that takes place in the future. It's not a bad thing, trying to mix realism in with comic book stories. That's part of what makes them engaging. I'm all for escapism, but sometimes there's only so far you can take a story about an alien ripping the spinal fluid out of a giant insect. I'm also all for realism, provided it's balanced. This is a comic book. If I wanted to read stories about crocked lawyers and bad economic news, I'd watch Fox News without the mute on.

That's part of the problem in this book. I like that the realism elements were there, but it didn't feel properly balanced in the end. It wasn't until the final page that we got some genuine action. It was decent, but you could probably skip half the book and not skip a beat at the end. It leaves the book somewhat disjointed, but if you read it through it's still an enjoyable story. Batman Beyond has utilized a lot of classic Batman elements since it was brought back from DC limbo. This is the first time it's dipping into something new and overall, it's a very satisfying experience.

Batman Beyond remains a guilty pleasure for DC fans that offers a nice change of pace from the sheer scale of the current DCU. You won't be blown away, but you'll get a solid story with solid characters. So for a final score, I give Batman Beyond #5 a 4 out of 5. The story is opening new doors while connecting with old plots from the cartoon. It's a great time to get into this series and for that I deem it awesome. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #3 - The Next Generation of Awesome

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Batman Beyond #1 - A New Ongoing of Awesome

Not long ago, Batman Beyond fans were drinking tequila and dancing naked in the streets to celebrate the return of this cult favorite series in the form of a comic six-part mini. After nearly a decade of nothing, it seemed for a while that the world of Batman Beyond would be a small sliver of gold lodged in a mountain of shit. It was beautiful in it's own right, but easily overlooked. The mini really re-captured the magic that made Batman Beyond such an entertaining ride as a cartoon (even without Kevin Conroy providing the awesome vocals for Bruce Wayne). I know I never got around to reviewing the final issue, but cut me some slack. There are only so many hours in the day and God had to fucking rest on the seventh so whose fault is that? But if drinking tequila and dancing naked int he streets was a worthy celebration for a mini, Batman Beyond fans may have to engage in a full on Roman orgy to celebrate the news of Batman Beyond the ongoing series.

That's right! In essence, that mini that brought Hush to the world of Batman Beyond was merely a prelude. This new ongoing picks up right after, continuing the story of Terry McGuinnis in this crazy non-apocalyptic future where there are flying cars, but teenagers are still dicks and crime is still rampant. It's billed as a possible future for the DC universe and not the future. Not only that, this series will be one of those rare day-and-date digital releases. So on the same day this book hits the stands it will also be available for digital download. It makes perfect sense. A book that takes place in the future is actually using a futuristic means to distribute itself. Never mind the fact that this futuristic means uses technology has been around since Bush (the president and not the pussy) was first in office. So I guess it's not exactly futuristic, but that's besides the point.

The first issue begins in a familiar yet classic predicament to set the tone. Batman (the new one) is beating the shit out of some Jokers. As anyone who saw the old show knows, the Jokers were the first villains Terry fought. They're just a bunch of thugs who dress up like the old clown prince of crime to win respect yet they end up looking like complete idiots. You would think wearing clown makeup and getting your ass kicked would make you think twice about taking up a life of crime. Apparently they still haven't fixed the country's shitty education system 40 years in the future.

Terry's enjoying himself, and why shouldn't he? Remember, this takes place after the mini so he's triumphed over Hush and gotten back to a semi-normal routine of balancing his teenage life with being Batman. Bruce is still Bruce, meaning he's an insufferably dark living manifestation of every Edgar Allen Poe poem. So that much hasn't changed. Now as normal as this seems, it would have been easy to just take another random villain from the Batman Beyond rogue's gallery or try to sneak a classic like Hush back into the mix. But instead, this book takes a different approach to bringing in a bad guy and it doesn't involve yanking a loser from Donald Trump's Apprentice.

Enter Carson Jatts. No he's not some classic DC villain. If you look him up in Wikipedia, he won't show up as some obscure character with a checkered history in the comics. He's actually a former employee at the Justice League watchtower. He also just got diagnosed with cancer. And rather than appeal to Bono or hold  a telethon, he uses cancer as an excuse to become a total dick. He's essentially a less sexy version of Gregory House in that respect. So seeing as how the Justice League doesn't rescind someone's clearance for being cancer ridden, Carson breaks into the Justice League vault which for some reason that must point to a laughably incompetent future isn't that well guarded.

Once inside, the lone guard (yes, only one guard is with him) doesn't seem capable of stopping some cancer ridden Lex Luther wannabe from taking a tiny wand that was hidden in a meta-human containment vault. Now you would think that if there was a magic wand that did more than spew smoke up someone's ass in a horribly botched trick involving a gerbil and Richard Geere it would be under heavier security. For whatever reason, this thing is kept in the equivalent of a locker at a bus station. So when Carson touches it, the damn thing reacts like a North Korean missile test and turns him into schizophrenic version of King Midas. Only instead of turning things into gold with his touch, he can turn anything into pretty much any material he wants and that includes lead. Although if that's the best he can come up with, he's got no imagination. Personally, I would have turned him into a barrel of oil because God only knows how expensive that shit will be 40 years from now.

So a new villain has been born. While this is going on, Terry is catching up with the girlfriend who has somehow stayed with him through the entire series. Either she's the single most patient in the world or Terry gives her the greatest oral sex in the history of mankind. Whatever the case, a rather messy intro leads to some general romance to show that for all his faults as the new Batman he knows how to handle women better than Bruce ever did. That's sort of like saying you're able to play soccer better than Tom Brady, but it still counts as something and does remind the reader that Terry has more of a social life than Bruce did.

It isn't just his girlfriend that makes an appearance either. Terry still has a mother and a little brother who weren't horribly gunned down (yet). They're still dealing with the trivial issues that 40 years hasn't seemed to change at all. Terry's mother is preparing his little brother, Matt, for his elementary school graduation. That may or may not be a sign of how bleak the future is because if people are still celebrating when a kid graduates from fucking elementary school then that's not much progress.

These happy and normal issues are quickly complimented by the over-the-top insanity that the DC universe brings regardless of what era the story takes place in. Remember Carson Jatts? Well now that he has his new abilities to turn anything he touches into anything else (yet he's still not using it to turn water into oil to help the energy crisis that has probably still being fought). He decides to joyride on a hover, which is only a mild upgrade from the hover-board scene in Back to the Future Two. Like Marty McFly, he ends up crashing it when Warhawk (one of the future members of the Justice League) locates him and attacks. Now it's not clear how he got away from the Watchtower beforehand, but what's important about this scene is that when Jatts crashes he crashes into the same mall where Terry's mother and brother are at.

Naturally, this gets Terry's attention. So he does what he did so often in the old show. He leaves his girlfriend behind to play hero. He's not a jerk about it this time though. He does give her a little smooch and finds a way to keep her busy, having her negotiate with a salesman in a way only hot young women can get away with. It's the kind of multi-tasking Bruce Wayne never had and can only envy albeit in his own brooding way.

The situation in the building gets serious. Gotham brings in the cavalry just as they always did in the past. Like the show, Barbara Gordon is leading the pack. She and the rest of Gotham have the added assistance of the Justice League. Anybody who remembers the show knows that like the Batman of old, the new Batman was not a full-time member of the league. He only helped out when he could. The team is small and doesn't contain the kind of classy names DC fans would expect. It includes Warhawk, Aquagirl, Micron, Barda, and a new Green Lantern who looks like Hallie Joel Osmond if he was a terminal cancer patient.

They all paint a pretty bleak picture. They explain that the little gizmo that Jatts stall is called metachem that was once wielded by a ridiculously unoriginal villain named Matter Master. He could turn anything into anything, but he couldn't turn his name into something respectable. They surmise that Jatts interacted with the material in the same way Ted Haggard interacts with homosexuality...in a very fucked up sort of way. The see him basically as a rogue nuclear bomb with a big red button on it that says 'push for horny strippers.' It's dangerous and it needs to be taken out, implying that body bags may be required. That's when Terry shows up in full Batman mode. He flat out says to the entire Justice League that he won't let them go through with their little plan. Now it's worth noted the planetary sized balls it takes to say something like that to the fucking Justice League, but remember Terry's family is in that mall so he has more motivation than Bruce would have had. We can only assume that means the tone in his voice was rough enough to melt the testosterone from Clint Eastwood's face, making for a fitting ending even if it is somewhat abrupt.

It may not be the best place to end the first issue of this new series, but it does leave enough reasons for a reader to foam at the mouth and want to see what happens. Even if you didn't particularly like the book, you would be a douche-bag if a part of you didn't at least want to see how this punk kid stand up to the Justice League. It helps set the stage for what is sure to be a chaotic fight where Terry may have to fight the Justice League as much as Carson Jatts. It puts him in the kind of position that Batman always found so difficult. It part of Batman's charm and it's put on full display in a package nice enough that it could have it's own UPS commercial.

That still doesn't make the book feel any less incomplete. The book is good, but it feels short for the first issue and is a bit too abrupt. There's also a fairly large plot hole that you could probably go skydiving through in that it's not explained how Jatts got from the Justice League vault to the mall. That sounds like it should have been a hell of a chase. There were certainly some pages left to channel some of that Michael Bay style magic. It's that feeling of incompleteness that is this book's greatest shortcoming. There was potential that was left unrealized and in a book that was so well-done in other areas, that's a tragedy worthy of it's own reality show on Lifetime.

Despite satisfaction that isn't quite filling, Batman Beyond #1 is a nice start to a new series. It doesn't start off with a huge bang or a big moment. It's more personal, starting with Terry McGinnis and not just Batman. This guy has been on hiatus for a while so it will take time for readers to get re-acquainted. This issue begins the process and begins it well. That's why I give Batman Beyond #1 a 4 out of 5. This series should have come out when the show ended so that the fans wouldn't have skipped a beat. Since it didn't, Batman Beyond has a long ways to go in order to regain the prominence it once had. If future issues continue to be this well-constructed, it should definitely get there. It may require blowing more shit up in the future DC universe, but if that's the price one must pay for awesome comics so be it. Nuff said!