Brightest Day #14 - Teasing Awesome

Whenever I get a new issue of Brightest Day, it's rarely a disappointment. Some books you just expect excellence in the same way you expect douche-bags to attend a Kanye West concert. For the past few months, Brightest Day has been doing for DC what Madonna did for bat-shit religious sects like the Karbala. It took a tried and trued product of awesome and made it even better and even a little sexier (most men would still nail Madonna even if they won't admit it). The last few issues have been inching the overall story closer to a ball-busting, brain splattering conclusion. Boston Brand is getting closer in his search for the guardian to the White Lantern. The Hawks are battling it out on Hawkworld. J'onn J'ozz is trying to resist being pussy whiped by the other last Green martian. Firestorm has to contain his Black Lantern counterpart from setting off another big bang. And somewhere along the way, Aquaman is coming between Black Manta and his illegitimate son.

That's a lot of shit to deal with in one series, even if it is biweekly. For the most part, Geoff Johns has managed it with the same mastery that Donald Trump masters shitty hair styles. So when the last issue ended with a hint that Batman would be showing up, he upped the ante to levels that would make even Trump's over-sized balls shrivel. Each issue is getting more focused, giving screen time to only one or two sub-plots. This come at the unfortunate price of leaving other plots dangling worse than Hugh Hefner's scrotum. However, Geoff Johns has made it a price worth paying. The last issue focused on the Hawks and only spent a few pages setting up the story for Boston Brand, which picks up in Brightest Day #14. Just like the last issue, it remains pretty focused and the promise of Batman showing up should cause a certain level of tingling in the brain, heart, and lower extremities of DC fanboys (if that tingling turns to burning, please consult a doctor immediately).

The issue starts of literally right after the last panel of the last issue. Boston Brand sees the bat signal and that proverbial light bulb flashes over his head. Like bat shit creation scientists, he assumes on the spot that this is the guy who will act as guardian to the White Lantern. It's not a bad choice. Anyone who has been following the Batman comics lately knows that he's been feeding worms for a while, but he eventually got bored and kicked the grim reaper in the balls. Now he's alive again and back to making criminals shit themselves again. That's all the convincing Boston needs to re-take his Deadman form (which may come as a surprise to some people because he hasn't really demonstrated he could still do that) and seeks him out.

He leaps through the city like an acrobat on crystal meth, Along the way he comes across a crime involving guys in snow gear without any snow. This is another somewhat random occurrence you don't usually see in a Geoff Johns comic. Seriously, he just happens to pass by these guys? One could argue that the ring is guiding him, but that isn't made clear. It's the most random Johns has been this entire series. It may not be jarring to those used to reading half-rate stories written by underpaid writers who can't come up with witty dialogue unless their blood alcohol is no lower than .04, but given this is a Geoff Johns comic it does come as a shock to the system.

It does help that the fight is nicely done even if it is on a small scale. This is the first time Boston has ever got to kick ass in his new non-corpse body. It's the strongest he's been to this point. For so much of this series he's just been pissing and moaning about how it sucks to be running errands for the White Lantern. This makes him slightly less sissy and it's always fun to see poorly dress criminals get their asses kicked.

Dead or alive, even Boston should have been able to figure out who was behind this half-hearted crime. Yet he still managed to allow Mr. Freeze to sneak up on him. While he may not be a sissy for being a decent hero again, he still qualifies as a dumb-ass for not using more than two neurons to work out some strategy. It does play to his advantage though because when Batman does show up, he takes down Mr. Freeze with no fewer than two moves. It shows just how far ahead of Boston that Batman is in the kicking-ass-after-being-dead department.

This ends the fight against Mr. Freeze. He basically takes a nap for the rest of the issue while Boston confronts Batman. Dove shows up as well, having just missed the fight and essentially playing the role of the obligatory hot chick that's supposed to accompany guys like Boston on their journey. All card carrying members of the National Organization for Women should direct their outrage to DC and not me. I'm just the messenger here. There's no elaborate setup here with the ring. Boston basically just tells basically that he's the ultimate champion for this ring and he wants to get this shit off his back. It's about as poetic as it sounds.

Batman questions his assumption as he's prone to thinking rationally, something very few people in comics or in real life tend to do. But Boston won't hear it. He uses the old flattery approach, basically saying that Batman is the most awesome human being in DC comics and is the only one worthy of this power. By comparison, he's like a Miss California trying to give a lecture on the big bang theory to Stephen Hawkings. He can't get the ring off his finger fast enough. He's like Larry King at a divorce hearing. And as soon as the ring reaches Batman, he becomes a White Lantern and looks 128372948292 times more badass.

Now this is what's been building for several issues now. Batman becoming a White Latern is more juicy than Jenna Jameson's pussy at a Chip'n Dales. Finally, the White Lantern has a guardian! Finally, the other plots surrounding Brightest Day can start coming together! And the ongoing stories involving Batman's return (which recently concluded) are given a novel twist. It's such an awesome premise. At least...it would be.

I'm sorry to report that this euphoria lasts about as long as Charlie Sheen's patience with a call-girl. While in his White Lantern getup, Batman basically becomes a mouth-piece for the white ring. What he says is very un-Batmanlike. He calls Boston out, telling him that he was chosen to guide the White Ring because when he was dead he had some backbone. He doesn't have it anymore it seems. He saw his task as a chore and when he chose Batman, he chose poorly. So that means Batman isn't the proper guardian, thereby aborting all those potential stories before they were born. The crazy pro-life crowd would be making pipe bombs if they read this. If that weren't enough, one of Mr. Freeze's goons rubs salt in the wound by coming back to life and shooting Boston. So it's basically a giant-sized screw-up.

So Boston goes down and as expected, his life flashes before his eyes...again. Remember, he did die at one point so he's walked this road before. There's a nice little shot of his childhood. An old memory of his teen years that showed how he started to become a bit of a douche-bag by essentially worrying more about a cheeseburger than a pretty girl sitting next to him. Unless that's the best damn cheeseburger on the planet, that's just mean. He then flashes forward to his full-fledged douche-bag persona in his adult years. This is when he was working in the circus as his old Deadman persona. He's not ordering burgers this time, but he's essentially the Kanye West of circus acts. All the while Boston's spirit has to watch this and ponder how he was so much nicer when he was dead. That's got to fuck with him.

Given this level of douche-baggery, it isn't completely disappointing to relieve the moment when he got shot (the first time that is). And in front of a live crowd no less. By whatever spiritual awakening happens here, Boston has a change of heart. Somehow seeing himself get killed (again) reminded him that being an asshole in life isn't a good thing. Since he's learning slower than Paris Hilton in a calculus class, he begs for a second chance. It's a little melodramatic and predictable, but it gets the point across.

Boston gets his second chance. He wakes back up in the alley with Batman. The White Ring heals the gunshot wound and knocks the shooter out for good measure. Now you know you've got a long way to go when a ring kicks more ass than you do. It also leaves Batman, showing that he's not the one Boston was looking for. The ring goes right back to him and gives him a few life lessons in the process. None are all that provocative, but the part about there being more to life than a good cheeseburger really speaks to the soul.

Not much else happens. Batman leaves. There's no hint or mention of the other plots with the Hawks, Aquaman, or Firestorm going on (never mind the fact he's got the resurrected Black Lanterns on his ass). The title of the next issue does mention the Martian Manhunter, but there's no solid transition or scene to speak of. Boston just throws in a nice kiss with Dove, which feels about as meaningful as a kiss between Courtney Love and Pamela Anderson (minus the porno and herpes context). It's a random way to end an issue for a series that has prided itself on not being so random. Even if Dove is very doable, she's not doable enough to justify such a bland gesture. It doesn't strike at the heart or the balls for anyone with an appreciation for comic book romance. To say they're no Clark and Lois would be an understatement so vast it could be used as a new euphemism for anal sex.

Brightest Day #14 is quite an anomaly. It's the first issue of the Brightest Day series to truly disappoint. It's probably the weakest feeling I've had reading this series so far. My mind isn't blown and my heart rate is still steady. It's like taking a bong hit only to realize you're smoking your mothers flowers instead of pot. The whole tease about Batman being the guardian that Boston was seeking had so much potential. In a ways I can see what Geoff Johns was trying to do here. He set up the expectations so that even the characters in the book felt they had found what they were looking for when in reality they hadn't completed their journey yet. It's very existential and it's not the way most comic writers would do a scene like this. They would go the easy way and try to use Batman more. Johns doesn't usually like to take the easy way, but this is one case where the easy way is more awesome.

The best way I could sum up my issue with this plot is that it was subtle for the sake of being subtle. It moved things forward by not moving them at all. That's not to say there wasn't anything good in this book. There was plenty. Batman showing up definitely adds to Brightest Day's repertoire of awesome.The easy flow from the previous issue from this issue worked very nicely as well. It was also nice to see how Boston Brand went through so many transitions from life to death to life again. The White Lantern also showed some personality here, strange as that may seem. It's trying to guide Boston, but it isn't always listening. It seems to have a mind of it's own and it's definitely got some character. If it had big tits it would already have it's own fan club. However, this is not enough to make up for the shortcomings in this story.

It pains me to say this, but Brightest Day #14 is a disappointment. The past 14 issues (including issue 0 for those of you who lost count already), this series has been masterfully crafted. Geoff Johns always delivered quality stories because he was a surgeon in his craft. He took care of the big things and the little things. In this he did take care of the big things in that he moved the story with the White Lantern forward. However, for once he negated the little things. He did not add in the details to make it work. The overall product is bland. It's not bland in the sense that Ben Stein's voice is bland or that juice you let sit next to a radiator for six weeks is bland (and potentially life-threatening). It's just bland.

In scoring this book I can't give it too low a score because it isn't terrible. It doesn't destroy the overall Brightest Day series. It certainly doesn't make me want to pick up the next issue any less, but it does end a streak of mind-blowing, heart bursting, scrotum swelling awesome. So for a final score, I give Brightest Day #14 a 3 out of 5. It's respectable, but for a Brightest Day comic it can do so much better. Geoff Johns is more than deserving of a mulligan here. If he blows me away with the next issue again, all will be forgiven. Nuff said!

Brightest Day #13 - Winged Awesome

Well it's happened again. A new issue of Brightest Day has come out and yet again I have to patron the local carpet cleaning company to take care of the mess left by having my mind blown. It's happened so much with this series I've gotten a hand-written thank-you note from Mr. Clean. The mess may be a bitch to explain to my landlord, but for a book this good it's worth it! Brightest Day has been DC's most consistent well of awesome and the last few issues have stepped it up several notches. Things are starting to come together. Plots are starting to bear fruit and those fruits and damn tasty!

The past few issues stemmed from Boston Brand (who used to be a hero that was poorly named Deadman) when he tapped the power of the mysterious White Lantern. In doing so he reached out to the many other heroes like Aquaman, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and the Martian Manhunter. They all for a time manifested the power of the White Lanterns, which was used to defeat the Black Lanterns in Blackest Night. It was only brief, but the ramifications of that event have taken the story down a new path and every turn as lined with trees bearing leaves of pure awesome. A key part of the plot centers around a new guardian for the White Lantern. Boston has been working with Dove and Aquaman to find it. Their search has led them to cross paths with the Martin Manhunter and along the way Firestorm manifested a Black Lantern version of himself.

All these plots have been awesome in their own right, but one plot seems to have fallen to the wayside. That is the story surrounding Hawkman and Hawkgirl. They have had next to no panel time since the White Lantern made it's presence felt. They're like the Vanilla Ice of the multiple lines, big for the blink of an eye and quickly shoved aside. But unlike Vanilla Ice, they do have something to contribute. Their struggle led them to Hawkworld where Shayera had a little family reunion with her dear mother, who seems intent on being the Grinch that became a blood-thirsty tyrant. I know it's a little early for the holiday jokes, but I just started seeing Christmas decorations in the mall the other day. If shameless American marketing can exploit it, then so can I.

This issue finally picks up with the Hawkman and Hawkgirl plot on Hawkworld. It's an overall Hawk themed issue. Now it doesn't offer any indication that the struggle with Hawkman and Hawkgirl is somehow related to the White Lanterns or the other plots. To this point those other stories have been linked together in some way. That hasn't happened with the Hawks. This issue picks up from where the Hawks last left off, with Hawkman organizing an army of the human/animal locals to overthrow his girlfriend's mother. He's like Jake Sully in Avatar, only he doesn't need to ask a fucking tree for help. He tears into Momma Hawk's forces in a way that James Cameron only wishes he could get away with.

The battle scene is pretty kick-ass, although it's not Siege of Gondor in the third Lord of the Rings movie. Watching over this carnage from the Death Star like stronghold known as the Nth City, Hath Set and Hawkgirls loving mother have her at their mercy and not for a time out either. They look at this war the same way anime fans look at hentai porn. It excites them in a way that's disturbing while having a not-so-rediculous purpose behind it. Hath Set and Mama Hawk actually want Hawkman to attack. They need him and Hawkgirl present to act as the final two keys to the gate. And remember, this is the same gate made out of the dead bones of their ancestors. It's not just the kind of thing that would require extensive therapy to get over. This is shock treatment to the balls territory they're treading here.

Hawkman, being more Rambo when he needs to be McGuiver, walks right into it. He comes in guns blazing, only to get wacked upside the head by Hath Set. It's one of those times when the righteous hero demonstrates the skill of a retarded chimp stumbling around the jungle looking for a banana while not realizing there's a turkey buzzard hovering over just waiting for him to hit his head enough until he passes out. I'll let the readers figure out who the turkey buzzard is. It's not a pleasant way to be bested. Hawkman goes through all the trouble of organizing an army and he walks right into it. That's not even an it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time moment. It's more a and-then-we-started-drinking-tequila moment.

Like any good super-villain, once Hawkman is subdued Mama Hawk goes onto explain her evil plan to her daughter. It's actually not much different from a normal meeting between mothers, daughters, and the men who are currently bedding them. So it's nice to see Geoff Johns adding a touch of realism. It's your standard power play by a greedy queen who doesn't think people with penises are doing a good job running a kingdom. Back in Ancient Egypt where the Hawks began their little journey to and endless cycle of shitty reincarnations, Mama Hawk was enchanted with Hath Set's visions of the future and used them as an excuse to kill her husband (the Pharaoh) at the time. If that weren't enough, she listed to Hath Set even when he told her to kill her daughter and her husband. In terms of parenting, this woman ranks somewhere between Britney Spears and that woman who drowned her kids because she thought God told her to. There's simply no excuse for being a douche-bag, divinely inspired or otherwise.

But being queen wasn't enough. Mama Hawk wanted Egypt to be so glorious that her enemies would jerk off out of jealousy to the kind of glory that her kingdom radiated. That's what brought her to Hawkworld. She needed more Nth metal, which is the Avatar equivalent of unobtainium. She says she stayed longer than she anticipated, so long that the kingdom she killed her family and loved ones for collapsed and is now part of the glorious clusterfuck that is the Middle East. But like any good tyrant, Mama Hawk makes lemonade out of lemons while mixing some blood in it for added taste. She starts her own kingdom on Hawkworld and that's where her reign of terror has continued.

She seems poised to explain where she and Hawkman fit into it, but Hawkman doesn't really care for bullshit explanations. You kidnap his girl, he fucks you up. That's pretty much a superhero bylaw in section 43, paragraph 28, line 23 of the comic code. It also helps that Hawkman looks pretty badass keeping with standard superhero bureaucracy.

The explanation stops and the ass-kicking resumes. Hawkman tears into Mama Hawk while Hawkgirl kills Hath Set with her legs. Like Tiger Woods's image, a woman's legs took him down and it helps show that Hawkgirl is no Disney style damsel in distress. She actually fares a lot better than Hawkman, who ends up getting humiliated by Mama Hawk and in front of his girl no less. In the list of ways to be emasculated, that would definitely rank in the top ten between finding out a transvestite has a bigger dick than you and having your girlfriend find your hidden Twilight collection in a closet next to your porno stash. Apparently, Mama Hawk has skills in addition to being a certified MILF. She can control Nth metal the same way Hugh Hefner controls the rate of masterbation among boys between the age of 12 and 17. This doesn't make for a fair fight and like the Playboy Mansion Halloween party, Hawkman gets screwed over by a beautiful woman in a crazy costume.

So Hawkman and Hawkgirl, for all their troubles, basically get outsmarted by Mama Hawk. There's a message somewhere here that implies that no matter how tough anyone gets as they get older, their mother can still kick their ass. That's poetic and tragic at the same time. Some who read this may have to curl up in a fetal position for a few minutes before continuing. When they get back they arrive in time to see Hawkman and Hawkgirl open up the gate. Apparently, they did Mama Hawk a favor by killing Hath Set. He was another key as well. That shows just how greedy and sadistic this bitch is and she's perfectly okay with leaving Hawkman and Hawkgirl behind to suffer while she leads her Hawk hoards through the gate and into a charming place called Zamaron. I won't describe it in too much detail. I'll just say it's the kind of place where pants are endangered because visitors keep shitting in them.

At this point the entire story has been centered around the Hawks. There have been no major hints at how this ties into the greater story of Brightest Day. So when the next page goes right back to Boston Brand and Dove, it feels abrupt and disorienting. The past few issues have at least made some attempt at transitions. Usually, that's what Geoff Johns is good at. However, that's not what happens here. It just goes right to Gotham City (not really explaining how they got there from the ocean with Aquaman) and they're still trying to find the new guardian.

Boston's ring hasn't shown much activity since he touched the White Lantern a few issues ago. It's almost easy to forget that this whole series is related to what those little pieces of bling are capable of doing. First it was implied that the guardian would be somehow connected to Aquaman and Black Manta's son. That really hasn't been explained thus far. But then Boston makes an ominous and insanely awesome conclusion. The reason why the ring hasn't flashed for it's new guardian is because it's waiting for that guardian. Now who could it be waiting for? Well they're in Gothan City! If Batman didn't come to mind then the Alzheimers has kicked in early for you.

For those of you not up to speed with DC events, Bruce Wayne has been out of the picture. By out of the picture I mean dead. I say dead in italics because death in comics is like the aristocrats joke of comics. It's so obscene and dirty yet people still laugh. And for the past few months Bruce Wayne has been kicking death in the balls. Grant Morrison has been telling that story in "The Return of Bruce Wayne" and that return may tie in with Brightest Day. Even if you didn't care for the Hawkworld plot, it's hard to deny that such a notion should have triggered no fewer than four orgasms by the time you've finished reading this sentence.

It's the kind of ending that should leave readers salivating like Tiger Woods at the Playboy Mansion. It makes the next issue so enticing you want to knock yourself into a coma so you don't have to wait. I don't recommend that (although if you do running into a wall isn't as effective as a cocktail of cough syrup and codine) although I respect and understand those who try. It makes for a mind-blowing end to an issue that was somewhat of an anomaly to the Brightest Day saga.

Now I enjoyed the Hawkworld story and I was blown away by the brain melting awesome of the final page, but what keeps this issue from being a true testament to DC comics perfection is the flow. The lack of connections to the other ongoing plots really hurts this because it feels as though the Hawk's story could be it's own comic and be plenty awesome in it's own right. It's somewhat out of place here in Brightest Day because there's nothing that seems to connect it with the other plots that the last few issues have done such a great job of fleshing out. Geoff Johns is usually so good at taking care of the little things. It didn't have to be excessive. Just some connection to the other stories would have made this issue a worthy addition to the 5-out-of-5 club that is already so packed with Brightest Day comics. That didn't happen unfortunately and it does effect the score I give this issue.

Even if it wasn't connected, the Hawkworld story was very well done and the hint at the end made it somewhat easier to overlook. So the best score I can give Brightest Day #13 is a 4 out of 5. It does what it does very well, but not within the full context of the series. While I'm foaming at the mouth for the next issue, I'm not high on the same level of awesome from this issue. I'm still buzzed enough where I'll get the shit beat out of me by cops if I try to drive, but it's not the same buzz that kept me stumbling around naked in my bedroom dancing to AC/DC songs. I'll be in withdraw until the next issue comes out. By then, I hope the connections are made. When all is said and done, if it's nothing less than an orgy of awesome the likes of which that Hugh Hefner himself would be shocked by then that will be disappointing. Nuff said!

Brightest Day and Even Brighter Awesome

I made no secret of my love for Blackest Night. The DC crossover that spanned over six months completely reshaped the DC universe and opened the door for new readers to enter. For me, a guy who hasn't followed DC in quite some time, it was an opening I could not resist.

This past week the aftermath of Blackest Night began with Brightest Day #0. Penned by Geoff Johns, the same mastermind behind Blackest Night, the series doesn't miss a beat and picks up almost immediately where Blackest Night left off. From the very first page, the emphasis shifts from death to life. The one narrating the story is Boston Brand, once known as Deadman. A more appropriate character couldn't have been used if his name was Bright Geoffjohns.

What follows is a remarkable insight into the mind of someone who has only known death. Boston Brand actually stands over his own grave, musing over what his role was now that he was alive again. Being dead means he has no money, no job, and no livelihood. So what's a guy to do? That's where the White Lanterns come in. Just as Brand is done smashing his own tombstone, the power of the White Lanterns reaches him and he begins a journey across the DC universe.

It's very well laid out. Brand goes on to visit the likes of Mera and Aurthur Curry of Atlantis, Kyle Raner of the Green Lantern Corps, Carter and Shiera Hall, and J'onn J'ozz of Mars. Everybody is getting accustomed to being alive again. Some are embracing it more than others. There are some nice shots of Mera in bed after she and Aurthur celebrate his rebirth.


Hawkman and Hawkgirl share a nice romantic moment as they muse over their past lives together and the love that seems to span it all. And J'onn J'ozz gets the greatest gift of all...a crate full of Oreo cookies. Could there be a more appropriate gift?

Overall, the tone is much different than Blackest Night but in a good way. It isn't all just joy and life. There are some real developments involving Sinestro finding the White Lantern and someone locating the original bodies of Hawkman and Hawkgirl. Like man issue #0's this merely sets the stage. Brightest Day #1 doesn't come out until next month and it promises to begin the next round of action that will span the DC universe. It's no bait and switch. It's a solid story designed to get the reader hooked and it succeeds in every way!

Geoff Johns continues to astonish me with his writing talent and Brightest Day carries on the legacy of sheer awesome left by Blackest Night. That is why this issue gets a solid 5 out of 5. If ever a comic lover wanted to get back into the DC universe, this is it! If you have any appreciation for the awesome of comics, what the hell are you doing? Get off your ass and get Brightest Day! Nuff said.