Brightest Day Aftermath #3 - A Legacy of Awesome

Twas the night before the DC relaunch and all the crack house, not a creature was stirring except strung out comic fan with half a bottle of whiskey and worn out crack pipe. There are only so many drugs in the world that can make you forget that DC Comics is about to undergo the biggest shift since Power Girl's boobs. If there are such drugs I've yet to take enough of them. It's hard to contemplate what will come of DC and comics and general as the new 52 hits the shelves. Some are already eager to leave the old DCU behind. But before this amazing world is relegated to the quarter bin of history, there is one series that I must complete before I'm too hung over to give a proper send off.

Brightest Day has been one of DC's shining gems. I reviewed every issue and at the end of each review I had a six-foot boner with fresh joint on the end of it. Reviewing Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search for Swamp thing has been different. It hasn't been on the same scale or scope as Brightest Day. Like cheap blow from Brazil, it offers only a mild rush. That's not to say it's worth ignoring. There is a story to be told here. John Constantine is back in the DC universe, stinking it up with his cigarette smoke and snooty British accent. He's off to resolve a little issue regarding Swamp Thing and his alter ego, Alec Holland. It hasn't been on nearly the same level as the original Brightest Day. The last issue was a bit of a let-down. But with one issue left, I feel obligated to cap off my Brightest Day review log. Then I can dive head first with only mild brain damage into the new DCU.

In the last issue of Brightest Day Aftermath, Constantine enlisted help from Superman to track down Alec Holland. In between cartons of cigarettes, it was revealed that Swamp Thing and Alec Holland weren't exactly in sync and that was dangerous on new fewer than 28402948502982 different levels. Why is this? Well Swamp Thing currently thinks Alec Holland is driving it. And if it finds out that's not the case, well that tends to fuck up an overly powerful monster. A monster that needs a human driver and for some reason John Constantine is at the top of the list. Now anyone who knows John Constantine from the comics knows putting him in the driver's seat of a monster like Swamp Thing is like making Robert Downy Jr. the head of a Bankok pharmacy. Nothing good can come of it and if that weren't enough, Lexcorp has somehow found Alec Holland and is fucking with him in a way that only Lex Luthor can. So that leaves John Constantine relying on DC's finest to put a stop to it.

First, Constantine had to find Holland and the Lexcorp assholes that took a break from blowing the head of Goldman Sachs to fuck up the world. For this, he got help from Madame Xanadu. Aside from staring at her cleavage, she helped Constantine go on a spirit quest that didn't involve ingesting a fuckton of magic mushrooms. Here he gets help from our old Brightest Day pal Deadman, who at the end of Brightest Day ended up dead...again. But he still is nice enough to lend a hand. He's the one that informed Constantine that Alec Holland isn't playing poker with Einstein, Jimmy Hendrix, and Jesus in the afterlife. He's alive, well, and running with a rough crowd in Lexcorp's many secret labs. Seriously, with all the labs Lexcorp has to fuck with people you would think BP would have bought them out by now.

Back in the swamp we revisit Alec Holland and his Lexcorpt captors. The masked Lexcorp scientist, who looks like Dick Cheney fucked him up after getting fired from Halliburton, finally confronts Alec. Since Swamp Thing is an elemental and Lex Luthor just can't resist god-like power of any kind, they recreated Swamp Thing with some trademark DC technobabble. But in order to make it work and not kill everything that looks at it cross-eyed, they need to map Alec's consciousness to the creature. Because remember the creature thinks it's Alec Holland. Alec of course has a problem with that, but seriously when has moral outrage ever stopped Lexcorp?

While Alec is most likely getting the Lexcorp equivalent of a rectal probe, Constantine is in the swamp trying to get to Holland. Now I'm a little high right now so it didn't dawn on me until I was sober that there was some shitty transition along the way. Not only does Lexcorp's mysterious mad scientist not break out the waterboarding to convince Alec, but Constantine goes from Xandu's sweet bosom to the swamp. Now if you didn't read the last two issues, you could have assumed it was a flashback of sorts. But it's really hard to tell. In fact, without a few hits of LSD you probably wouldn't notice it. It's something that has been a nuisance since Brightest Day Aftermath began. It just hasn't flowed as nicely as it's predecessor.

Lousy transitions aside, Constantine's visit into the swamp is short lived. Like all Lexcorp facilities, trespassers are dealt with in the same way James Dobson and Pat Robertson would deal with homosexuals. They hit him over the head with the butt of the gun and threaten to fuck him up in ways that no amount of cigarettes can help.

Unfortunately for Lexcorp's hired guns, Batman shows up. And as anyone knows, he dines on the bones and souls of hired thugs for breakfast in between eating cake off of Catwoman's ass. He saves Constantine from a world of hurt, but he doesn't take much satisfaction in doing so. Who would? Constantine was a dick when he last crossed paths with Batman, but then again he's a dick to everyone. When Constantine says he needs to kill Alec Holland, Batman has a problem with that. For some reason he just can't get around the idea of killing a man to save John Constantine's ass. He's weird like that.

Well Batman doesn't have to enjoy it. He doesn't get to argue with Constantine all that much either because while he's lighting another cigarette, that quaint little lab where Lexcorp is committing their latest crimes against humanity erupts. Their bastardized version of Swamp Thing has been let loose and it's a big ass problem. Again, we don't get to see how that scientist convinced Alec Holland to lend his mind to this creature. We can only assume it involved threats of castration or being locked in a room with Andy Dick. Either way, Swamp Thing is on the loose and they're kind of fucked.

This isn't something Batman can just beat the shit out of like a hired gun. This is an elemental swamp creature that saved the world during Brightest Day. He can't exactly stop it by throwing money at it like most rich men would do. However, Superman stands a fighting chance. Even though he didn't care much for Constantine in the last issue, he does care when guys from Lexcorp fuck up the environment. Now this had the potential to be a really epic battle against Superman and Swamp Thing. Sadly, it's nothing of the sort. There's no two-page spread or anything. It quickly becomes a story where magic becomes a bland ass way to resolve a plot.

Again, the transitions suck. At some point Constantine transports Superman to some crazy mystical dimension where they can get to the very core of Swamp Thing sort of like how Dr. Phil gets paid millions of dollars to do so on a per-screened TV show. There's not a whole lot of action here. Superman just restrains Swamp Thing without much of a fight and then John Constantine casts a spell that's about as amazing as watching ants run around in circles. It's a pretty underhanded way to end the conflict even if it does end it effectively.

From here we get a few more scenes to tie up loose ends. They go into the lab and beat the shit out of the scientist that used Alec Holland. He ends up being some kind of mummy knock-off. I'm sure that's just Lex Luthor's way of hiring cheap labor. Then Constantine confronts Alec about the whole having to kill him to stop Swamp Thing ordeal. Once again, it's glossed over. There isn't a fight or even much of a debate. Alec Holland wants to live again and John Constantine just shrugs his shoulders and accepts it. Yeah, it's as interesting as it sounds. But he's still insists on being a dick about it.

So he and Alec Holland part ways. Superman and Batman leave with only slight damage to their lungs from Constantine's second hand smoke. It's not the happiest of endings. There's still a hint that Swamp Thing still has a hard-on for Constantine. But not much else comes of it. Alec goes on his merry way while Constantine goes back to filling his lung with tobacco smoke. Overall, it's as happy an ending you can get with John Constantine and you still feel the urge to binge drink. That says a lot about what a miserable asshole he is.

So in the end, John Constantine is still a selfish prick. But seriously, was that ever supposed to change? This was a story about Swamp Thing and for the most part, it was told and completed. Is it worth reading? Does it live up to standard set by Brightest Day? Well yes and no. For one, it's a decent story. But decent by Brightest Day standards is like a 10-6 season for the New England Patriots. For some teams it's great. But for their standards it's a bit of a let-down. This was a story that you could skip and it really wouldn't change how Brightest Day one bit. It doesn't come off as a necessary part of the story. It's just...there.

This issue did succeed in tying up many of the plots surrounding Constantine, Alec Holland, and Swamp Thing. It got other heroes like Batman, Superman, and Madam Xanadu involved in a believable way. However, the battle against Swamp Thing was underwhelming. For a story that has "Search for Swamp Thing" in the title, Swamp Thing really didn't seem to play much of a role. There was plenty of struggle, but not much fighting in between. It lacked the impact that Brightest Day set up. A few cheesy bits of dialog here and there didn't help, but John Constantine's wit along with fairly coherent narrative made for a solid finish.

I'm still a bit torn by the end of this story. It was a slight improvement over the last issue, but it still underwhelming in way too many ways. The first two issues built up a conflict and the third issue resolved that conflict with a whimper and not a bang. You may find yourself yawning through the end and no one would blame you. Maybe it's just because this series has been glossed over by Flashpoint and the new 52. But Brightest Day Aftermath remains only a slightly above average title. As a final score, I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not bad by most standards, but it had the potential to be so much more. It's a shame. Then again, I don't think DC gives one tenth a damn because it's ready to start from scratch and establish a new kind of awesome. No matter what the new 52 may bring, the legacy left by Brightest Day shall live. Nuff said!

Brightest Day Aftermath #2: Dragging Awesome

I know it's been a while since I reviewed a DC book. To tell the truth, I've been avoiding it because I'm waiting for DC to drop the infamous R-bomb. R being reboot. I'd rather not waste my fine repertoire of poop jokes and knocks on Donald Trump's hair on stories that are just going to get rebooted and retconned. Now don't get me wrong. I still love DC as much as any guy with an X-men fansite can love it. I know that didn't come out right, but bear with me. There's a method to my drunken madness and it doesn't' involve copious medications with more than 13 syllables (mostly).

I still miss the days where every couple of weeks, I would dedicate a full review to worshiping at the altar of Brightest Day. It was a series that I didn't expect to get hooked on. Just as crack addicts don't expect to be sucking dicks and knocking over 7-11s at 2 am for another hit. But Brightest Day was just that amazingly good. It was like a biweekly multiple nerdgasm fest. So when it ended and continued with the aftermath in Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search for Swamp Thing I was more than willing to give it a chance. However, I've had to taper my expectations. This isn't the same crack hit that Brightest Day was. That story is over. This is the aftermath and for the most part, after reviewing the first issue I was left feeling like Cher when she heard her daughter had a sex change.

I won't say that Brightest Day Aftermath has been a disappointment, but it has been a significant downgrade from the epic scale of awesome that Brightest Day delivered on a way so consistent that Bill Belichek tried to secretly video tape it. The story follows John Constantine and his nicotine-fueled adventures into the DC universe. He's been a little under the weather lately and this time it isn't lung cancer. The return of Swamp Thing in Brightest Day triggered a reaction that only those petrified of bee stings can appreciate. He believes the Swamp Thing that emerged in Brightest Day wasn't Alec Holland. It only thinks it's Alec Holland and when it finds out it isn't, some very swampy shit will hit the fan. He tried enlisting Batman's help, who in turn cashed in a favor (possibly sexual) with Zatanna. They couldn't help him so he was left at square freakin' one, which was part of what made the issue a bit of a let-down.

Brightest Day Aftermath #2 starts off by showing Constantine seeking his next source of help. Now the transition here is pretty damn shaky. In the last issue he was talking to Batman and Zatanna. In this issue he's on a plane for Metropolis. There are some nice inner musings, but it feels random. It's as if he could have gone to Metropolis first and the last issue didn't matter. These are the kinds of transitions that Brightest Day used to avoid. So it's a little off-putting and it makes the story a bit more incoherent. Not the to the point of the third season of Lost, but still incoherent. So when Constantine's condition flares up, making his landing more bumpy than a night out with Charlie Sheen. It shows that Swamp Thing really loves fucking with Constantine and doesn't care who he threatens in the process.

Well guess who does care? Superman. He tends to notice with an angry swamp creature is fucking with a plane full of innocent people. It's not much of a problem for Superman. Him saving a crowded plane is such an old gimmick that it could do Cialis commercials if it wanted to. For Brightest Day, it's not all that innovative. Then Superman confronts Constantine and we're met with a genuine clash of personalities. Superman is a guy who uses his powers to do good when it needs to be done. Constantine is a foul-mouthed degenerate who only does good when it's convenient for him. He would rather smoke a cigarette first. So when Superman confronts him about this, it's a pretty interesting moment. Then when Constantine shows Superman his 'condition' he's a bit more understanding.

 Now it takes a bowling ball filled scrotum to talk down to Superman. Constantine isn't that bold, but an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. He's the only guy who has the stones to be an asshole to Superman and use a magic spell to prevent him from giving him a righteous spanking and not the kind you pay two hookers in Amsterdam to do. Superman sees that Constantine is the one drawing the swamp attack. He's a clear threat to anyone around him so it's only natural that he would want to get him away from crowded areas. But Constantine isn't having it. He uses a little magic to keep Superman at bay and since this is fucking Superman we're talking about, that's saying something.

Now there's a lot to be said about the differences in personalities I mentioned earlier. DC has all sorts of colorful characters, but none like John Constantine. He didn't develop in DC Universe proper. He's done his own thing in his own comics and as such, his attitude is very different and by different I mean he's an ass. But he's an ass in a way that is certifiably awesome. This kind of personality really clashes with the major heroes of DC and one thing this book does well is demonstrating how nicely those clashes truly are. Even if the action and the progression is sloppy as hell, it's nice to see some real contrast between the two characters.

While Constantine is pissing off the Man of Steel, Alec Holland is confused as hell. In the last issue, he showed up in the swamp minus Swamp Thing. Now this sort of fucks things up because as Constantine explained, Swamp Thing only thinks it's Alec Holland. If it finds out that Holland is alive, it'll be like those shitty action movies where someone finds out they have an evil clone and they lose their fucking mind. For Swamp Thing, that's a problem. But Alec Holland doesn't know that. When he emerges, he's greeted by a total stranger in a haz-mat suit. That's usually a bad sign you had a really fucked up night and drank some shit that a hobo with an eye patch gave you in exchange for clean toilet paper. Holland, being in no condition to think clearly, follows the guy into his old lab. Then the guy reveals he works for Lexcorp. He might as well say he's a lobbyist for Halliburton on a special assignment on behalf of News Corp. So yeah, it's a problem.

Constantine knows this shit is going to blow up in his face so he takes some time to explain the situation to Superman and is still a total dick about it in the process. He says Batman couldn't help him find Swamp Thing. Superman points out that the World's Greatest Detective is somewhat smarter than that. He sent Constantine to Metropolis because he knew that Constantine would bring the kind of bullshit that only Superman could confront. Despite being such a dick, Superman does help him. He says he knows where to find Swamp Thing and he doesn't need to be a fucking detective to figure it out. He just grabs Constantine and flies up him over the city. Rather than thank him, he just asks if he can smoke. So even when Superman is helping, he's still a dick. But he still makes it look pretty damn cool.

Once again, it's a little incoherent. If finding Swamp Thing was as easy as a trip to the Star City forest then why the fuck did he go to Batman in the first place? Is Constantine really that fucking dense or did he just want to rope the heroes into helping him? Either way, it comes off as a bit too convenient. He could have just gone to Superman in the first place and we would have been spared a whole issue. But I digress.

Once in the forest where the biggest battle of Brightest Day took place, it gets even more contrived. Constantine just stands around and casts another spell. There's not much mystery or build-up. It's just simple magic to bring out the next plot. The Brightest Day series that I remember was a bit more tactful and subtle. I feel the need to point this out because Brightest Day is in the fucking title of the book and with shit like this, it's not living up to the name.

Even if it is contrived, there's still always room for action in this series. Once Constantine does his little spell, Swamp Thing shows up and as expected it's pissed. For a guy who basically belittled Superman, I would say that Swamp Thing is well within it's right to do so. He grabs Constantine and starts choking him in a way you could make a whole new masturbation joke out of. Choking your Constantine. You heard it here first, folks! But keep in mind he has Superman with him and being such a nice guy (the anti-Constantine if you will) he's kind enough to beat back Swamp Thing. Now granted, it's over really quickly and it's not all that epic. But still, it's a nice burp of action in a book that has been pretty random to this point.

Once all is said and done, Superman is understandably irritated. Even he doesn't appreciate having to fight swamp monsters for ungrateful assholes like Constantine. But once again, Constantine maintains his policy of being a total dick. He reminds Superman that as long as Alec Holland is out there and alive then this won't be the only time he stains his cape with swamp stains. The implications would certainly not sit will with anyone of even a moderately high moral compass. It means in order to contain Swamp Thing, Alec Holland has to die. That's the big difference between Superman and Constantine. Not only is Constantine a dick, he's willing to feed a man to a swamp monster.

Speaking of Alec Holland, remember that lab he's in? Well that mysterious masked man is still fucking with him. He convinces Alec that he's got some weird infection that you can't get without bare-backing a hooker in Brazil. Holland is still confused and trying to remember. The mystery scientist who we know is as credible as Jack Abramoff since he works for Lexcorp helps refresh his memory a bit. It involves showing him some of his old work and reminding him that he was once a powerful, monstrous swamp creature. Constantine may be an asshole, but this guy takes it to another level. He essentially assures that Holland is screwed and Constantine may end up being right, which is an epic fail for all that's good and decent in the DC universe.

At this point, it's worth repeating how much I miss Brightest Day. I know I've said it a lot and maybe all the pot in my system has fucked up my short-term memory, but I do miss it. I miss the large, interconnecting stories among many different characters. It was a story that really gave readers a firm grasp of the DC Universe. So to read that series and then Brightest Day Aftermath, the difference is like the gap between a blow job and a kick in the nuts. It's not terrible, but it's pretty underwhelming. It lacks the elements of what made Brightest Day so awesome and this issue threw away even more of those elements, almost like they were used tissues at the bushes of Megan Fox's bathroom window.

The lack of coherence between this issue and the previous issue is the biggest weakness. Constantine goes from Gotham to Metropolis in a way that really doesn't flow well with the story. In fact, certain elements of the previous issue could easily be thrown out and not much would change with this issue. That's not to say there weren't some nice moments. I'm glad Alec Holland got a chance to show up. He's finally starting to get involved in the story, but it was a lukewarm introduction at best. Anyone who really doesn't know much about the guy (which may be a significant number even for those without access to wikipedia) will probably be loss and not all that interested. Constantine's attitude is still gritty. His interactions with Superman were easily the best parts of the issue, but those interactions didn't lead to much. It really seems as though this mini-series isn't leading to much at all and with the reboot coming up fast, it may be completely overshadowed in the end.

So while I'm usually very enthusiastic for any DC book with a Brightest Day title, the second issue of Aftermath has really dampened my spirits. It isn't hitting me upside the head with awesome. It's very tame, like a dog that has been both neutered and lobotomized. The lack of coherence makes it difficult to follow. The underwhelming action makes it difficult to get excited about without a bottle of Red Bull and a line of blow. There are still some entertaining elements. Constantine is still a fun, crude pig of a Brit that makes you want to spit on anything related to British Royalty. But that's not enough to make this issue as awesome as it's predecessor set it up to be. That's why I give Brightest Day Aftermath #2 a 2.5 out of 5. Brightest Day still has a warm, fuzzy place in my heart. But the Aftermath just seems unnecessary. With the reboot coming up, it might be best for some readers to go on a few bender and wake up a few weeks from now to see what comes of it. Nuff said!

Brightest Day Aftermath #1: The Search For Swamp Thing - Awesome Mixed with Uncertainty

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Brightest Day #24 - A Saga of Awesome Ends

Well it's finally here. A part of me has been excited and another part of me has been sad, so much so that my brain has split in two on numerous occasions. That is the power of Brightest Day. This amazing series from DC that has been unfolding over the course of a year has done the impossible with the same swagger that Donald Trump wears a hair piece, minus the massive douche-bag factor. I've reviewed every issue. I'm going to be honest. I didn't expect the series to ever come close to Blackest Night. I was drunk off a few shots of battery acid and vodka, assuming that I would follow the series for a while and then move on. I never expected it to hold my interest like a vice on my balls for the entire run, but it did. So here I am at the very end, ready to give my full assessment of the Brightest Day series. Given how many times it's blown my mind, I'm pretty sure I've brained my damage beyond repair.

Now I know I've been praising this series like it was written with the hairs of Natalie Portman's pussy. I've gone overboard many a times describing how the pages of this book couldn't be better if DC laced them with cocaine. Given how long I've followed this series, I understand I may be riding the bandwagon in a NASCAR race and expecting Jeff Gordon to be at the wheel. That doesn't mean I won't try to be objective here. I understand I can't let my love of the previous books completely influence how I review this book. But as with all my reviews, I try to be honest while not sounding more drunk than I already am. I've got some Jack Daniels in me so I should be okay.

Brightest Day #24 is the culmination of all the plots that have been coming together in the past few issues. Boston Brand has gone on a bit of a killing spree. Or more accurately, the White Lantern hijacked him and used him the same way OJ Simpson uses kitchen knives. In some very shocking moments, the lantern seemingly killed Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Aquaman, Martin Manhunter, and Firestorm. It seemed like a real dick move after some of them came back in Blackest Night. Then in the last issue, we found out that the White Lantern really wasn't such a massive dick cheese after all. It brought those slain heroes back, but made them more awesome. They took the form of elemental forces so they could take on this dark, evil creature that was giving Mother Nature some serious PMS. Then the final piece of the puzzle came into place. The new guardian of the White Lantern arose and it was one of DC's latest acquisitions, Swamp Thing.

It was a shocking yet novel move. I admit I don't know much about Swamp Thing other than he's from the swamp and he's a thing. However, I do know that DC recently acquired his rights as DC feasted on the slain entrails of Vertigo. If ever there was a stage for Swamp Thing to become awesome, it's Brightest Day. This issue starts with Swamp Thing taking on it's new Brightest Day uniform and showing what it can do. Even if it has a name that's as generic as vanilla ice cream, it can still kick ass.

For readers too lazy to use Wikipedia, the story of Swamp Thing and Alec Holland is explained by the White Lantern. What makes it a big deal is that at the moment, Swamp Thing doesn't think it's Alec Holland. It thinks it's Nekron. You know? That big evil super-douche who was behind the whole Blackest Night ordeal? And now he has control over a force that allows him to basically turn the planet into his own personal prison bitch. So yeah, it's pretty bad. It's up to Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Aquaman, Firestorm, and Martian Manhunter to slow him down so the White Lantern can carry out it's plan, which for once doesn't make it look like such a dick.

With Boston Brand wearing his White Lantern duds, he's supposed to bring Alec Holland back to life. That's way easier said than done because Swamp Thing/Nekron is having too much fun watching the Earth fuck itself. So Boston, Hawk, and Dove have to protect Alec until he gets over the whole being dead thing. Fucking things up even more is Digger, who was lead to the forest in the previous issue. Whether by poor impulse control or being a massive douche (or the White Lantern telling him), he throws his boomerang at Dove.

Since Boston has grown so close to Dove (and certain parts of her anatomy), he does what any badass guy with a boner for hot girls would do. He jumps in front of the boomerang and saves Dove. The price of saving a hot woman is his life, which he only got back at the end of Blackest Night. He shares a nice moment with Dove, but the White Lantern makes it clear. There's no coming back this time. He learned to appreciate life again and now the only appreciation he'll get will be from worms when they shit out his rotting flesh.

As Deadman dies (again), the white ring leaves his hand and goes for Alec Holland. He goes from being an unsightly corpse to looking as healthy as a man who just took a really good shit. He's obviously confused as hell. Being dead will do that to a man. Then the White Ring does the rest. It helps him become Swamp Thing again, telling him that the elementals of the Earth have been corrupted and the only way to uncorrupt them is to beat the everloving shit out of the Swamp Thing/Nekron hybrid.

What follows next is a fight so massive it covers several pages. This isn't one of those glossed over battles that just has two superpowered monsters slap each other a few times before one of them gives some lame-ass egotistical speech before falling to their knees faster than a hooker at Charlie Sheen's house. This is a battle between two elemental Swamp Things. One is Nekron's remains trying like MC Hammer to make a comeback. The other is Alec Holland, finally on a stage where he can be more awesome than he's been in decades. It's such a beautiful sight that you almost want to roll it up and snort cocaine with it.

I won't mince words. The fight is a metric fuck-ton of awesome. At first they seem evenly matched. You can't expect two giant swamp monsters to have much edge over one another. But Alec Holland has more weapons at his disposal in the form of the elementals formed by the other heroes. So suddenly the White Lantern's plan that "killed" them doesn't seem like a dick move. It seems like giving his side the winning edge. It's not like a receiver in football using stick-em to catch or batters in baseball shooting steroids in their asses. It's more like lining boxing gloves with barb wire and channeling his inner Rocky Balboa. With help from the elementals and a renewed sense of awesome, Alec Holland shows that there's only one Swamp Thing. He takes down Nekron in a way so badass that Stallone will likely try to copy it in his next movie.

Swamp Things victory seems like the final blow that will put a stop to all the bullshit that Nekron keeps trying to inflict despite being dead. However, not everybody is thrilled. Boston Brand is dead again. He doesn't get to enjoy seeing Swamp Thing take a nice dump on Nekron's ashes. He basically goes back to being Deadman again, just like he was before Blackest Night. He's understandably pissed, but there is a difference now. As a spirit, he can be seen by Dove. It allows them to share one last moment together and shows that the White Lantern, while it may be a dick at times can be halfway decent when it wants to.

While he gets used to being dead again, the heroes that made up the elementals get a reward for helping Swamp Thing. That means they get to be alive again. So the White Lantern never killed them. He just borrowed them. It's sort of like how Mexican gangs borrow out-of-work Mexican workers and make them work in slaughterhouses for pennies a day. So the White Lantern is still a dick, but at least they got to save the world. I'm pretty sure if it just asked them from the get go, it would have been a lot less messy. But that just wasn't douchy enough.

But there's a problem. One of them is missing. Hawkman is back amongst the living, but Hawkgirl is not. She's gone. This leaves Hawkman understandably pissed. If you recall, he and Hawkgirl were just about to bump uglies in ways that only porno movies can mimic before the White Lantern killed them. Well he's not going to get his chance with her. Swamp Thing says she's gone, but in a bit nicer way. She's still in the form of air, which means the only lover Hawkman will have is a bottle of lube and a sock. It's a sad moment in an otherwise triumphant victory. It adds more emotion into what has already been a pretty damn emotional story.

While Hawkman is lamenting over losing his girl yet again, Swamp Thing does yet another move of badassery. He uses his new connection with nature to heal the Earth better than an aspirin and a cup of coffee. So all over the planet, the damage done by Nekron is healed. So first Swamp Thing beat back another giant swamp monster. Then he healed the whole fucking planet. What have you done with your life today?

So Swamp Thing is back and more badass than ever. It has the White Lantern. It has some new street cred. It gives a nice hippie speech, saying that the world is going to need protection so guys like Nekron don't keep trying to fuck it with their slimy, pollution-filled dick. The White Lantern, douche or no douche, says it's work is done. The planet it safe. Deadman is still dead and pretty pissed. Hawkman still has to get used to the whole life thing without his girlfriend. But Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and Firestorm are back so there's a lot of positives. It's not a fully happy ending, but it's not a downer either. It strikes the perfect balance, which is like trying to juggle hand grenades on a unicycle. For that, Geoff Johns deserves a freakin' metal and a three way with the last three Maxim cover models.

So the White Lantern is gone. The heroes can get back to their lives, whether they're fucked up or not. Aquaman reunites with Mera. It's not as emotional as their first reunion. There's no big kiss and they don't bump uglies like a couple of squids in heat. I'm assuming Mera is used to that shit by now. But they go for a nice walk on the beach while contemplating the future. J'onn meets up the old woman he met up with early in the series and they share a nice moment. He also removes some huge shard from her head, thus saving her life. Because that's how Martians roll. It's another nice moment that really caps off his story on a high note.

It's not so nice for Hawkman. To say he's pissed is like saying Bill Gates isn't broke. He lost the love of his many lives and he's not happy about it. He's going to need a hell of a lot of therapy as a result. So while the world is safe again, it's about as much consolation as a kick in the balls for him. It's a bit more complicated for Ronnie and Jason. They're still Firestorm and they're still not going to get along anytime soon. It takes a while for a guy to get over someone else killing his girlfriend (albeit while he was Nekron's many prison bitches). If that weren't enough, that warning Professor Stein gave them about them causing another big bang is back to haunt them. Their slap-fight with Anti-Monitor a few issues ago sort of fucked up their chemistry. Jason, having not slept through physics class, says they're going to detonate in 90 days. So all that peace they worked so hard for may go up in another big bang. So their story is not over. It's just getting more fucked up.

Last but not least, we get to see Swamp Thing take on his new role as a guardian. He's in the DC Universe and he's here to stay. So armed with his new powers, Alec Holland does what no politician dare contemplate and makes good on his word. He seeks out those who would do harm to the Earth and gives them the Tony Soprano treatment. And who would be worthy of such a wrath? Lex Luthor? Darkseid? Nope! How about a bunch of rich, corrupt businessman who were behind that oil spill that Aquaman cleaned up earlier in the series? That and they were illegally dumping their shit like drunk with diarrhea. So Swamp Thing tells them to cut that shit out in so many words. For anyone who gets pissed when they see politicians blowing big businessman with enough money for lobbyists, it's a beautiful thing. Environmentalists and hippies will be jerking off to this page for years.

However, it doesn't end there. DC isn't content with just finishing off an awesome story. It has to set the stage for new stories with new characters that they recently acquired from Vertigo. It turns out Swamp Thing isn't the only one joining DC's already lengthy list of characters. One other guy who got picked up is a fella named John Constantine. On the final page of one of DC's most memorable series, he makes his DC debut. It's the end of one thing and the beginning of something new. And it isn't tainted by Keanu Reeves's shitty acting. You couldn't ask for a more complete ending if the book had a built-in blow job toy. If this doesn't get you excited about DC comics again, pull the plug because the coma you're in has no hope.

So there you have it! It's over! Brightest Day is officially done! Excuse me while I pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs to the comic gods for ending such an amazing series. It certainly helps that the series ended on a truly awesome note. It didn't just tie up the loose ends from the rest of the series. It set the stage for a new round of stories. They may not be as big as Brightest Day or Blackest Night, but they're still pretty damn exciting. After following all these characters through such a twisted and emotional story, you can't help but be compelled to see where it goes. I'm sure it's part of some master marketing scheme by DC to extract more dollars from my wallet, but I don't mind being fucked like that so long as the fucking is awesome.

There's so much to love about this series. I would need several blogs just to digest it all. Making a broad assessment of this series is difficult, but I'll take a stab at it. It started right from the ashes of Blackest Night and it carried some of those ashes into the story. Using characters that don't always make the cover of top books, Geoff Johns weaved a truly amazing story together for 24 issues. It's amazing considering there are writers out there who can't even finish five issues in a fucking year (looking at YOU Jeph Loeb). To be able to deliver so much rich content on a biweekly basis is more than awesome. It's fucking Herculean. DC pulled out all the stops to make this series as compelling as Blackest Night and they damn well succeeded.

It wasn't perfect the whole way through. There were a few hiccups along the way. There were some in this issue, but they were minor. It's a bit of a drag that Deadman is...well, dead again. It seems like he's back to where he started before Blackest Night, but there were some differences this time. Others could see him and his character underwent many strong developments. So that's bearable. We didn't get a very touching reunion with Mera and Aquaman either, but having already had plenty it's not too distressing. Everything else from the writing, the dialog, the art, and the hints for future stories were top notch. Unless you want to be overly picky about every little thing, you can't call this comic flawed.

Brightest Day #24 was meant to bring an end to the Brightest Day series. Well it succeeded and did so on so many awesome levels. It has been an absolute pleasure following this series and offering my twisted reviews along the way. I think I exhausted all my boob and sex jokes describing how great this series was, but it was all worth it! This final issue gets a perfect 5 out of 5. It's the most satisfying comic series you'll read without reading it on the back of a supermodel's ass. DC comics has stepped up their game in a way that should leave Marvel quivering like a vegan in a slaughterhouse. If you're looking to get into DC comics again, this is a great place to start! Thanks Geoff Johns! Thanks DC! You guys kick every kind of ass! Nuff said.

Brightest Day #23 - Penultimate Awesome

Well after a week of digesting Ultimate X where I my passion for comics was ravaged like a slap of deer at Ted Nugant's house, I'm finally in a week where I don't have to worry about damaging my brain or losing control over my bowels. That's because this week the next issue of Brightest Day came out. That's right, the book that's like a three-way between Scarlett Johannsen and Natalie Portman in your brain is back! Not only is it back, it's the next to last issue! This series has been unfolding for over a year, telling a wide range of stories that cover a number of well-known DC characters like Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Firestorm. It came out biweekly and was rarely delayed. It's basically the complete antithesis of Ultimate X. Sorry Art Adams, but delays and replacement characters just don't cut it!

Everything has been coming together in the home stretch for Brightest Day. It's actually more akin to the two-minute warning in football because the last issue basically stopped juggling so many different plots and basically zeroed in on the one story that binds them all together. And that story is the White Lantern. As each successive plot has come to a close, the White Lantern has shown up and basically capped it off the same way North Korea caps off alleged treason. Aquaman, the Hawks, and the Martian Manhunter were all seemingly killed by the White Lantern after they finished their respective journey. The guy who has been the unwitting trigger finger of these killings has been Boston Brand, who for much of the book has been trying to get used to the whole being alive thing again. At some point it has to be pretty jarring when he realizes he has to eat, sleep, and take a shit. By that comparison being a corpse is a lot easier. At the same time he's been resisting the White Lantern because it's basically about as cooperative and understanding as an entire stadium of 6-year-olds with ADHD who had their Ritalin swapped out with crystal meth.

Brightest Day began with a mystery. That mystery has been all about the White Lantern. It keeps going on about a new protector the same way Donald Trump keeps going on about how Barack Obama was a Kenyan agent sent to overtake America and kill anybody who had a shitty comb-over. For a while it seemed like that protector was Boston Brand. Then for an issue it seemed to be Batman. At one point it seemed to be someone connected to Aquaman, such as the bastard son of Black Manta who couldn't keep his penis out certain affairs. Well none of these ended up being the protector. The White Lantern essentially took Boston on a trip downtown, but not before driving around Stone Henge and the Great Wall of China first. Now this issue promises (no bullshit for once) to reveal the protector.

It starts off like a monologue from Glenn Beck in that it shows how fucked the world is. Usually, the heroes of the DC Universe have to save the Earth from an outside threat. Well now the tables have turned in that the Earth is lashing out. Like Ned Flanders it had been happily hiding it's rage for years and now it's yelling "This is fuck-diddly up!" So it's unleashing Earthquakes, fires, floods, and Barbara Streisand concerts. It's forced every hero on the planet into overtime, but it leaves you wondering what the fuck are they trying to save now? The planet is off her meds and no one has a shot of ketamin to calm her down.

Boston Brand knows about this. The White Lantern told him that there was a powerful evil within the planet Earth that was basically going to turn it into a homicidal super-douche on par with Kim Jong Ill. The only way to stop it was to find the new protector for the White Lantern. So picking up from the events of the previous issue, Boston confronts Ronnie and Jason as Firestorm. Remember, they're the ones who have the White Lantern. They spent most of the previous issue getting it back from the Anti-monitor and a much lamer corps of the Black Lanterns.

Despite all their efforts, the White Lantern still comes off as a hell of a douche. It basically says it sat by and twiddled whatever it has as thumbs while Professor Stein died. It needed to see Ronnie and Jason witness this death so they would embrace being Firestorm again. It's a dick move, no one argues that. However, the White Lantern is at least trying to justify it's douche-baggery. The planet is having a bad case of PMS and it needs to move this shit along before there's no one left to be an asshole with.

This has led them to the Star City forest, which has major significance in that it's the one place where a pissed off Earth can't trash. The White Lantern does another dick move by not letting anyone else in to escape the carnage, but again it's not just jerking around. It explains to Firestorm that it needs the necessary life forces to defend Earth or stop whatever is fucking her up like a shot of tequila mixed with wood varnish. To add extra motivation for Deadman, the Lantern does what may be yet another dick move. It pulls Dove into this clusterfuck while she and Hawk are trying to protect people from the world they've so often protected. Confused? I think mindfucking has always been one of DC's most stringent policies.

Keep in mind, Dove is the girl Boston was banging before the White Lantern made him it's unwitting trigger-man. Now it's not clear why she's brought into the picture. It just says her presence is required. Perhaps the promise of pussy is the White Lantern's new way of keeping Boston Brand in line. You have to admit, that's pretty cruel. He tries to explain what's going on and warns them that he may or may not have killed Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Aquaman, and the Martian Manhunter. Just as OJ Simpson may or may not have brutally murdered his ex-wife. But before he can even say much, that whole dark evil that the White Lantern has been droning on about finally shows up. Suddenly, it doesn't seem like the biggest douche in the series anymore.

The evil that has turned the Earth into a kitchen run by Gordan Ramsey has taken a new form. It's a form that definitely has elements of the Black Lanterns from Blackest Night, only at least fifteen times more badass. This dark avatar as they call it, looks pretty damn pissed and is in position to give the White Lantern the same treatment that PETA gives Oscar Meyer.

What this creature wants is pretty simple. It craves death the same way Snookie craves a shot of tequila at P. Diddy party. So that leaves Boston, Firestorm, Hawk, and Dove in a pretty rough position. At the same time Digger Harkness, who was one of the villains brought back in Blackest Night, is brought into the scene for reasons that aren't entirely clear. This is a guy who usually wouldn't piss out a fire if it meant saving a bus of newborn babies. However, he has shown up in Brightest Day before, so his presence isn't coming out of nowhere like a steroid allegation from Barry Bonds.

While this is going on, Deadman is basically giving Firestorm the same look he gave all those other heroes before he turned them into dust for the new OxyClean guy to snort. It's pretty obvious where this is going. Firestorm gets the business end of the White Lantern's firepower. And no, that's not a joke about prison bitches. Yet like with the Martian Manhunter, the result is somewhat different. While it does look like Ronnie is being cooked like a Turduken at John Madden's house, he's not keeling over like Pamela Anderson in a sausage factory.

This time the White Lantern pulls out all the stops and like a party at Charlie Sheen's house, goes completely overboard. It doesn't actually kill Firestorm. In fact, it turns out it may not have killed anybody. It just made them more awesome. So awesome that I may have to take back every douche-bag joke I ever said about the White Lantern. Because once Firestorm becomes as fiery as his name implies, he's joined by a bunch of other elemental forces that have a striking resemblance to a few certain characters. By certain I mean the very characters that the White Lantern supposedly offed. Hawkman and Hawkgirl are wind, J'onn J'ozz is Earth, and Aquaman is water to round out Firestorm's fire. Throw in heart and you may have a Captain Planet reference, but without the lame hippie crap. There aren't many jokes I could tell about this shit. It's simply awesome beyond description.

So you have the four elements of life and a dark evil trying to suck the life out of them the same way Twilight sucks the life out of vampire movies. What's going to happen when these forces meet? They're going to kick some serious ass, that's what! Deadman's conscious is now clear and he can go back to banging Dove in between wolfing down cheeseburgers. First this crazy creature that looks like something that died under one of Snoop Dogg's pot farms has to be addressed. Even with a more awesome form of Aquaman, Firestorm, the Martian Manhunter, and the Hawks that's easier said than done. But it still looks pretty damn awesome.

While these newly reborn heroes test out their new awesomeness, Deadman has to work with Hawk and Dove to protect has to protect something that the forest has been guarding. As it turns out, the savior that the White Lantern has been bitching about has been buried in this forest the whole time. That dark creature was on it's way to destroy it because typically when you go on a rampage, you want to fuck up whatever may be in a position to stop you. That's what Deadman has to protect. The real savior that's going to end this shit once and for all is a corpse buried like a discarded candy wrapper. This sounds like a questionable way to end the book until you find out said corpses name. It's Alec Holland. For all you non-comic types, that's the name of Swamp Thing. That's right. The savior of the planet and the new guardian is fucking Swamp Thing. If you said you saw that coming, you're not only full of shit. You're lying through your shit-stained teeth!

So here we are, one issue left of Brightest Day. The loose ends are starting to come together! This issue finally started pulling back the veil from the White Lantern and revealed some of the biggest mysteries that have dominated this series from the beginning. You would think that a series that has been over two dozen issues in length would start dragging by now, but with so many epic plots and brain-melting battles it still feels like it just began a few weeks ago. Now we find out that those heroes we thought were dead didn't exactly die. They simply took on a new (far more awesome) form. That form is the key to stopping the planet from basically destroying itself in an amazing twist of irony. Also, we finally learn the name of the shmuck that's going to put a stop to it all! It's Swamp Thing! It's a twist without sounding like a twist. It's setting the stage for a finish that will leave your brain in pieces and your dick as hard as polished steel.

There's no cute way of saying it. Brightest Day has been awesome beyond words. It could have easily fizzled at any one point. With only one issue left, it's saved the biggest fight for last. It isn't just a mindless brawl to get everybody in the same arena. This battle ties together everyone else who has been involved in Brightest Day. It does so in a way that feels so right yet it's still so intense that you can't really predict how it's going to pan out. If there is any shortcoming at all it's that Geoff Johns left one too many loose ends to tie up in the final issue. Why are Hawk and Dove on the scene? Why was Digger brought in?

Since it is the next-to-last issue you can't expect all those issues to be tied up. Otherwise, why buy the last issue at all? I don't consider these really shortcomings, but if there's too many that could mean the final issue may falter when so many others that came before it have been so strong. The cynical part of me that's still jaded from reading Ultimate Marvel and ripoff characters worries that Brightest Day has set the bar too high for the last issue. However, this series has repeatedly delivered in a ways few comics have so I'm willing to give Geoff Johns and Brightest Day the benefit of the doubt here.

So loose ends aside, Brightest Day #23 still gets a perfect 5 out of 5. It has set an epic stage for the final battle in this incredible series. I came into Brightest Day not expecting it to even come close to the awesome that Blackest Night delivered. I was so wrong that I'm willing to whip myself to atone. Brightest Day is every bit as awesome as Blackest Night and deserves every bit of praise you can give a comic book. If you're a DC fan or a comic fan in general, what the fuck are you doing reading this blog? Go out and get this series! It's comics at it's finest. Nuff said!