Astonishing X-men #49 - Gay Old Awesome

Every so often, someone will provoke the over-sensitive right-wing douche-bags of this world in a way that is so blatant that even the most progressive among us will raise an eyebrow. No matter how blatant it may be, I'm always in favor of pissing off this particular segment of the population. Whenever I see the Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world seethe with outrage whenever someone throws a taboo subject like homosexuality in their faces, I usually just grab myself a cold beer, light up a joint, and enjoy the show. And if by chance it means getting an awesome comic book in the process, hell that's just a bonus!

After reading Astonishing X-men #48, I could literally hear the assholes of every conservative Christian clench. The sound was so deafening I thought God herself had farted (I imagine that if there is a god, it's a big-titted women by the way). It wasn't because the comic involved the X-men collectively taking a piss on the tomb of Jesus Christ. It was because it actually dared to tell an X-men storty that involved one of their most prominent gay characters, Northstar, dealing with an actual homosexual relationship with his long-time dong-enthusiest, Kyle. As if that weren't blasphemous enough, it wasn't depicted as the plot of a gay porno or a Lady Gaga concert. It was actually depicted as a normal relationship with all the drama. The only difference was that one of them had mutant powers that gave him no excuses to being late for a cheese-tasting party. Yes, somewhere out there Glenn Beck was crying like a little girl over the damage this would do to the country and innocent children everywhere. But fuck Glenn Beck. He wouldn't know a decent comic if God herself inserted it into his brain through his rectum.

Beyond simple fun of making homophobes uncomfortable, Astonishing X-men has been in the midst of a transition. After Greg Pak's lone arc, Marjorie Liu is establishing her run with a new cast and a new setting. It takes the likes of Iceman, Northstar, Wolverine, Gambit, Warbird, and Cecelia Reyes out from the flashy surroundings of Utopia or the Jean Grey Institute and places them right in New York City where they can draw in danger to populated areas. I know they don't intend to attract danger, but they should at least take that shit into account when they visit a major city. While Northstar was busy moving in with Kyle, he got called up by Wolverine to track a new threat within the city. It led them to Gambit and Cecelia, who soon found themselves targeted by a guys with bazookas and the Marauders. It's enough to ruin any trip to the Big Apple, short of several detours through the Bronx.

Like the last issue, Astonishing X-men #49 begins with a brief glimpse into the future. Someone is clearly controlling the X-men and forcing Nothstar to go on the run with the same urgency as Pat Robertson at a Lady Gaga concert. In the last issue he had to escape Wolverine and Gambit. Now he has to escape Karma, one of the only other prominent gay characters in X-men. And in a scene that should have GLADD up in arms, she's unable to fight off whatever is controlling her and forces Northstar to get rough with her in a way that Rick Santorum can only dream of. If that weren't bad enough, Northstar's man-squeeze, Kyle, is also fighting the same control and he's having just as much luck as Karma. Except when the time comes to point a gun at his lover, he ends up turning it on himself. It has all the dangerous makings of a bad "It Gets Better" video, but before we know the outcome we flash back from the near future to the present.

The time shift isn't as confusing as it sounds. The last issue ended with the X-men facing down Chimera and the Marauders after Gambit's apartment was blown to hell. Naturally, the X-men don't take kindly to having their insurance premiums jacked up so they start fighting back. Chimera subdues Iceman and Northstar with her flashy green dragons that could definitely be mistaken for penis metaphors. Wolverine has to deal with taking a fucking harpoon to the heart. Even for a guy with a healing factor, that shit's gotta hurt. And this is all in the middle of New York City, mind you. You won't get a much greater spectacle outside a gay pride parade, which in this case I guess is more than appropriate.

One X-man (or former X-man) that's trying to not take part in this bloody battle is Cecelia Reyes. She spent a good chunk of the last issue explaining that she didn't care for a life of violence with the X-men. She's a doctor and just wants to have a simple job passing out antibiotics to women who were stupid enough to sleep with Tommy Lee. The Marauders just don't let her. One of them is stupid enough to put a gun to her head. That's usually a very menacing gesture, but considering how Cecelia's powers involve creating force fields you might as well be pissing on an electric fence. When the Marauder is stupid enough to shoot, his reward is a nice shower of bullet shards to the face. I'm sure the Andrew Zimmerman's of the world now have a new worst nightmare.

The battle against the Marauders continues to unfold with the same messiness as any street brawl in New York, albeit slightly less destructive than a brawl in New Jersey. Chimera and the Marauders are doing a pretty good job of roughing up the X-men, but then Marjorie Liu throws in a twist. She was so good at it in X-23 so it stands to reason she would try again with Astonishing. It's like a good strain of weed. If it works, don't bother tweaking it. The twist comes courtesy of Karma, who happened to be in the neighborhood and met up with Kyle. She uses that powerful mind of hers on top of that lesbian body that would fit in nicely with so many pornos to uncover a slight wrinkle in this battle. Chimera, the crazy bitch with the dragons, is being mind controlled. She doesn't seem to know it, but once Karma works that lesbo psychic magic she exposes the unfortunate truth and suddenly this street fight takes on a new tone.

It's not the most insane twist that Marjorie Liu could have made. She didn't reveal that Chimera was Wolverine's long lost sister and she had been sent from the future to cut off his balls so that he wouldn't father any more deranged Daken-like children. She was just being mind controlled. That sounds typical at first until you consider the brief flash-forwards in this issue and the previous issue. It fits in nicely, showing that there are some psychic shenanigans going on. And when certain elements fit nicely, that's usually a good sign for a comic and a good reason to light up another joint. Then again, I've yet to come up with a bad reason to light up a joint so maybe that's not a fair comparison.

Once Chimera is free of her mind control, she immediately calls off the rest of the Marauders. They're understandably confused. They tend not to like the idea that they were being controlled and prefer to just keep fighting randomly and hoping someone pays them money or hands them over the keys to the universe, whichever comes first. Thankfully, Chimera's brain is still somewhat functional despite being mind-controlled. Even though they had the X-men on the ropes, she orders that Vanisher step in and teleport them away. This leaves the X-men in the middle of a decimated street amidst many confused New Yorkers, but lets face it this is probably not the craziest shit they've ever seen. Hell, they're all probably still obsessing over Tim Tebow's arrival to the Jets.

Chimura still stays behind, if for no other reason than to give her teammates the finger. She also allows Karma to dig deeper into her mind in order to find out who the hell mind-fucked her. That proves to be as good an idea as riding a roller coaster after eating a batch of extra-spice chicken wings laced with laxative. Whatever psychic took a bat to Chimura's mind made sure no one, especially not the X-men's lone lesbian, could find out who they were. It becomes a disturbing vision of maggots and pain, not unlike having to spend the night in my old college frat house after a party. It leaves them low on answers, but they still have a few clues in the form of the asshole that tried to shoot Cecelia in the head. He may have been given the John McClane lead facial, but even dead guys can offer clues. The guy actually has a GPS tracker on him so they can check out all the places he's been be it an evil lair or a strip club.

While the X-men dig deeper, Northstar decides to get away from the chaos and fly his boy toy around the bright shiny lights of New York City. It makes for an overtly romantic setting for them to have a nice, long conversation that even straight couples in comics rarely have. Set aside any revulsion you may have to two men swapping spit, there's some real drama here and it's the kind of drama Marjorie Liu has always excelled at. Kyle talks to Northstar about how fucked up it is to be in a relationship with a mutant while he's just a normal guy. How does something like that work? How does he function knowing that Northstar is out playing X-man while he's back in New York with nothing but his Elton John CDs and box set of the L-Word? But Northstar goes out of his way to let Kyle know that even when he's off being an X-man, he's an important part of his life. It's a strength and not a weakness. It makes for a tender moment that epitomizes every Lady Gaga song ever made.

Beyond the whole gay part of their relationship, Marjorie Liu highlights an important dramatic element here. All too often in comics, relationships involve people with superpowers. Aside from Superman and Lois Lane, you don't get too many couples where one has superpowers and the other doesn't. It's like being in a relationship where someone else makes a fuck-ton more money than you. It makes for a rather unequal relationship. But as Anna Nichole Smith has shown us, it can be made to work. If there's love, there's a chance. It's a good message and one that most writers readily gloss over. So what if it involves a gay couple? It's about damn time someone at Marvel addresses this shit.

This romantic moment is one of the highlights of the issue, but all those warm and fuzzy feelings have to content with that same feeling you get after you eat Mexican while drunk at 1 am. Having helped the X-men enough for one day, Karma heads back to her place with the intention of purging her mind of the disturbing visions she had earlier. Usually a head in the microwave helps, but that's just me. She's prepared to turn in and start fantasizing about the latest LPGA champions. Then she's met by a mysterious-looking woman who reveals that she was the one behind Chimura. While I can't quite identify who she is, she definitely has the psycho-Hillary Clinton feel to her. Not content with just mind-fucking Chimura, she's poised to mind-fuck the X-men again and have a damn good time doing it.

Astonishing X-men has been an anomaly since Joss Whedon's run ended. It's never really established a sense of consistency, nor has it established a role amongst the other X-books. It seems to change on an arc-to-arc basis. It's less consistent than Mitt Romney at times, but Marjorie Liu seems to be making a conscious effort to give this book an identity. This issue had her really demonstrate the strengths she made so abundantly clear during her X-23 run. She wields mystery and drama with the same skill as Jason Vorhees wields a machete. The brief glimpses she's been hinting at in the beginning of each issue as well as the twists regarding mind control make for a story with a uniquely awesome feel. It sounds complicated, but Marjorie Liu finds a way to make it easy to follow (provided you don't read the comic while you're too stoned). If the mystery doesn't intrigue you, the drama between Northstar and Kyle damn well better. Unless you listen to one too many of James Dobson's lectures, the sheer breadth to which Liu fleshes out this relationship is...well, astonishing for lack of a better word. You won't find a more gripping experience without being Bart Simpson's neck.

If there is an inconsistency, it's the level of vagueness that Liu is willing to tolerate. She describes the drama and the mystery very well, but at times the mystery is too damn mysterious if that's the right word. It's clear that someone is mind-fucking the X-men and doing a pretty good job of it. It's not clear why they're doing it or even who could be behind it. Maybe I just didn't recognize the woman on the last page, but if a mystery is to remain at least somewhat coherent there needs to be a few clues as to why so much mind-fucking is going on. This isn't the fucking Matrix. The story is clearly meant to be more coherent and it could definitely use a few minor details, but to make a big deal out of it would just be petty. I'm petty about a lot of things in comics, namely bad replacement characters and red-headed, green-eyed Phoenix wielders not named Jean Grey. But I can't be too petty about this comic.

While certain details may be lacking, Marjorie Liu more than makes up for it by weaving an action-packed story that is nicely coupled with some drama. By offering a brief glimpse into what is about to happen in the near future, it makes the story all the more intriguing. It's probably the most intriguing Astonishing X-men has been in quite some time. For a series that has been pretty inconsistent if not outright negated by the events of other X-books, that's saying quite a bit. I can't be too petty, but I can't be overly generous either. This issue is pretty awesome, but it's just a few degrees off from perfection. I give Astonishing X-men #49 a 4 out of 5. This arc holds great promise. Not only is it telling a great story, it's giving the finger to everyone who ever gave money to Rick Santorum. For that, I deem this comic awesome. Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #48 - Born This Awesome

I like to think of myself as a progressive drunk. I've been harassed and annoyed by the government, religious zealots, and basically anyone who listens to Sean Hannity on a regular basis to be opposed to such douche-baggery. That extends to my sentiments regarding homosexuality. Overall, I'm for it. There needs to be a healthy mix of gayness in the population and I don't give a shit what the assholes at the Family Research Council say. Human beings are horny creatures, but we're also loving creatures. Why restrict our desire to love and bone to just one gender? It just seems like a horrible waste of human flesh.

With that said, the world of comics isn't exactly bursting at the seams with gay characters or gay themed stories. How can they when so many characters have women that look like porn stars and men that look like Calvin Klein models? It wasn't until recently that homosexuality in comics was apparent enough to piss off the right-wing religious nuts in One Million Moms (thanks Archie!), but that doesn't mean that there aren't good gay characters in comics. X-men in particular, a series that was built around being a metaphor for minorities, has a few notable gay characters. One of the best known is Jean-Paul Beaubier, aka Northstar. This guy is essentially Ricky Martin's wet dream. He's charming, he's good looking, and he's French. He's been in and out of a number of X-men comics in the same way George Michaels is in and out of public restrooms. He's spent time in Uncanny X-men most recently, but now he's getting a larger role in Astonishing X-men along with a new writing staff and I can just hear the gay pride parades along Castro Street celebrating in ways that make Rick Santorum violently ill (yet another reason to love gay people).

Not long ago, I delivered the solemn news that Marjorie Liu's most excellent run on X-23 came to a premature end. It was a sad day. I only finished half a bottle of tequila that night and was only marginally hung over the next day. As an accomplished drunk and fanboy, that's just pathetic. But Marjorie Liu's talent and ability to tell damn good X-men stories just can't be snuffed out that quickly. After Greg Pak finished his brief run on the series, she's taken over with a new line-up and a new focus. As someone who sobbed more than Glenn Beck at an Obama fundraiser after the end of her X-23 run, this was music to my ears. I celebrated with one or several drinks. I ended up sobbing more by the end of the night, but that was completely unrelated to comics and under order from a Baltimore judge I'm not at liberty to discuss the details.

Astonishing X-men #48 begins with a classic Fugitive moment, complete with shit-stenched sewers. Insert whatever gay connotations you want here, but it's not a good situation for Northstar. For reasons not yet explained, Wolverine and Gambit seem intent on killing him. Now maybe they've just been listening to too much of James Dobson's lectures, but it's rarely that simple in the Marvel universe. The first few pages just set the stage with some dramatic inner monologue. It's the kind of style that Marjorie Liu did so well in X-23. She can go from a very damaged teenage girl to a adult homosexual man running for his life so her unique touch in the pages of Astonishing X-men is already being felt. It's as welcome to this series as a Swedish massage by a topless ex-Playboy playmate.

Flash back to the past and Northstar is dealing with shit that's far less dangerous, but every bit as strenuous. Way back during the days of Nation X (and by way back I mean only three years ago), we got to see Northstar and his current boy toy, Kyle. He doesn't look like the kind of gay guy you would see on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He actually looks like the guy I buy my weed from, but I'm assuming that's a big fucking coincidence. Well in the time since then (depending on how much time has passed in the Marvel Universe which is always more confusing than quantum physics), Northstar and Kyle decided to take their relationship to the next level. No, I don't mean using different brands of lube. I mean moving in together. They decided to move into a place in Hells Kitchen of all neighborhoods. I don't know who their real estate agent is, but he or she needs to be fired.

Now if you're a homophobic bigot or you still get all icky inside when you think about two dudes kissing, you may have a problem with this scene. I personally have a problem with Cyclops wearing a full body condom for a uniform, but I can look past it. And unless you go to Tim Tebow's church, this is a pretty sweet scene. Kyle and Northstar don't carry themselves like the flaming gays you see in movies or gay porn. They come off as a normal couple trying to figure out how they're going to live together after being a long-distance gig. It involves shit as mundane as unpacking their shit and being interrupted by a phone call from Wolverine. It may not seem like much, but it's the kind of drama that Marjorie Liu did so well in X-23. And if she can make it work for a fucked up teenage girl, she can make it work for a gay couple in New York.

Northstar and Kyle aren't the only ones who are getting overly sweet with one another. During Marjorie Liu's X-23 series, Gambit caught up with Cecelia Reyes. He had a wound on his groin and she was nice enough to treat it. She must have treated it so well that Gambit caught up with her and she must have liked the package she saw because she went along with him. She joins him in an apartment Gambit rents when he's not playing the part of an X-man, a thief, or a guy who likes to hang around loose women and/or messed up teenage girls. It's another nice dramatic moment, both for Gambit and Cecelia. Gambit talks about the need to get away from the crazy life of an X-man and Cecelia talks about never wanting to have that life again. It's another one of those mundane things, wanting a normal life with problems that don't involve killer cosmic forces or mutant schools run by a guy with adamantium claws and a drinking problem. It's the kind of simpler things that Astonishing X-men used to have, but sacrificed in the name of ghost boxes and Hiroshima survivors.

It's all so nice and peachy for a bit, but this is a fucking X-men comic. You know that shit isn't going to last. Something is going to blow up. Remember that phone call that interrupted Northstar and Kyle before they could play a game of chocolate rocket explorer? Well it was Wolverine and he wasn't satisfied with just cock-blocked Northstar. He had to cock-block Gambit as well. He's not very descriptive in his reasons for denying both men the sex they so deeply deserve. He claims to have business, which could mean anything from streaking through Yankees Stadium or sucker punching the Kingpin. It certainly annoys Cecelia, who just finished explaining how she didn't care to get caught up in the X-men's shit and she knows better than most that said shit often follows Wolverine like a stripper follows investment bankers after they get their bonuses.

All that nice and peachy All My Children drama disappears pretty fucking fast when Warbird shows up, who is apparently assisting Wolverine in his cock-blocking. All she says is they're in deep shit (or something to that effect). Next panel...boom. They get attacked and shit blows up. NOW it's starting to feel like an Astonishing X-men comic! Cecelia is even more pissed than before. Once again, she's unable to avoid the inevitable chaos that follows the X-men wherever they go. They're like Motley Crue in the 80s, bringing mayhem and syphilis wherever they go. It's a nice spectacle, but it's a bit overly random. While the drama and sudden action is nice, not much has really been done to connect the events. It started in a sewer, went to a gay couple's apartment, and ended in Gambit's apartment. It sounds like the plot of a very bad low budget film by Oliver Stone, minus the excessive length and liberal underpinnings. But something awesome is clearly going on here. We just don't know how the fuck it ties together.

What we do know, however, is where this latest dose of mayhem came from. A helicopter hovering over Hells Kitchen happened to be in the neighborhood and one of the guys was armed with a rocket launcher. Apparently, post 9/11 New York City has even shittier airspace security and restriction on military grade weapons than a Mexican pot farm. It's not clear why they're trying to kill the X-men, aside from the usual they're freaks or Wolverine boned someone's wife. For all we know, the X-men are just legally designated as target practice under Marvel universe common law. But before they can shoot any more rockets, Iceman shows up and freezes their asses and crash their helicopter. And if they're lucky, these assholes don't have insurance. Again, we don't know what the conflict is here. There's a lot going on, but we're just lacking details.

We do get some details once the helicopter crashes and Wolverine's buddies catch up with Iceman, but these details raise more questions than answers. What kind of questions? How about the kind of questions that involve a sexy woman in a green outfit that summons green energy dragons? In other words, the awesome kind. She's not alone either. She has backup and for whatever reason she thinks it's necessary to fuck the X-men up and ruin what should be a night of gay and straight boning. Again, no reason is given. Nothing is even hinted at. No ominous message is offered. Maybe this is another woman Wolverine boned and never called. Maybe this is someone hired by Pat Roberson to ruin Northstar and Kyle's relationship. It could be anything. Like Mitt Romney's appeal, we just don't know.

It isn't just X-men that get involved though. Kyle, Northstar's lover boy who got left behind while he caught up with Wolverine, is curious when he sees an explosion in the middle of the city. Who wouldn't be curious? Well like a good lover who likes to keep tabs on his stud muffin and doesn't know how to use Facebook, Kyle was keeping tabs on Northstar and when shit started blowing up it was a foregone conclusion that he was in the thick of it. But before Kyle can go after his man, he gets attacked by a different treat. Once again, few details are given. It could be zombies. It could be Tea Party supporters. We just don't know. There's definitely a clear threat here. It just isn't revealed, almost to the point of it being less ominous and more annoying.

Marjorie Liu's writing style is unique in that it fits nicely within a certain type of story. X-23 was a great fit because it allowed her to focus on the growth and general fucked up mentality that comes along with being both a teenager and a clone of a living weapon. Astonishing X-men is know for a lot of shit, but it isn't known for that kind of introspection. It's more known for Kitty Pryde getting stuck in a giant bullet. But in a sense Astonishing is probably the best series she could have taken over because this series is so all over the place that the next writer could make it a Squirrel Girl solo series and it would still be appropriate. Astonishing has had a serious identity crisis ever since Joss Whedon left and Marjorie Liu's more dramatic style is a welcome change. Just as Whedon's focus on the Cyclops/Emma relationship made his early run in Astonishing so memorable, Marjorie Liu is capturing some of that drama with the likes of Northstar and Kyle and even Gambit and Cecelia. On the surface it shouldn't fit in Astonishing, but it does damn it! And it's pretty fucking awesome.

Just as she did with X-23, Marjorie Liu did a nice job of mixing drama with action. Those sweet moments of gay and straight romance were coupled with action that involved attack helicopters and rocket launchers. It's par for the course in an X-men comic, which is more than Tiger Woods can say these days. But what keeps this story from being as memorable as Tiger's divorce settlement is the lack of overall connections. It's really not clear how the opening scene connects with the later scenes both with Kyle and the helicopter attack. I get that there are probably connections that haven't been revealed yet, but as it stands it's a bit too confusing. There's being subtle about connections and then there's just being too vague. The issue is still coherent. It just lacks the extra meat on the bones to make it sufficiently juicy.

In terms of first issues, Marjorie Liu did a great job and it's refreshing to see her on another X-book. Hopefully her run lasts longer than Greg Pak's brief but memorable stint. Astonishing X-men is one a lot like that eccentric girl in high school that dressed differently every other day. Sometimes she looked smoking hot. Other times she looked like someone you wouldn't touch with a panda's dick. This is a series badly in need of consistency and Marjorie Liu is in a position to provide that. She demonstrated why she's the right gal for the job with this issue and I give Astonishing X-men #48 a 4 out of 5. There's action, drama, and the kind of romance that will make Rick Santorum vomit and any comic that can make Rick Santorum vomit is awesome in it's own right. Nuff said!