Astonishing X-men #51 - A Gay Affair (of Awesome)

What is it that makes someone want to marry someone else? Is it love? Is it sex? Is it the desire to get on their insurance plan? I've often wondered this as the closest I've ever come to getting married was proposing to my drug dealer when I was low on blow for Mardi Gras. I suppose I can't understand the kind of commitment that doesn't involve earning a hand-written thank you letter from Mexican drug lords. But for reasons that only show that religious people have too much free time on their hands, marriage is a big issue. In particular, the notion of two men getting married just makes people who worship magic sky pixies makes them feel all dirty inside. I say fuck those assholes (figuratively speaking) and let the man-love flow freely. In the pages of Astonishing X-men, there's been plenty of man-love to go around.

Astonishing X-men #50 actually gained national news when Northstar, the X-men's resident elf-eared homosexual, proposed to his longtime boyfriend, Kyle. This proposal comes after a rather messy attempt to become more serious by moving in together. Anyone who has ever had to move in with anybody without the aid of powerful muscle relaxers know that shit is stressful. For the past two issues, Marjoie Liu has been piling on the drama between these two and it eventually culminated with Northstar proposing. It was certainly no Disney moment (and I'm pretty sure Disney refrains from showing gay characters in their movies, although I have my suspicions about the 7 dwarfs). However, it coincided with developing plot involving mind-control, the Marauders, and guys armed with rocket launchers. In other words, it's basically your typical Thursday in the Marvel universe.

Now the marriage issue is something that Marvel has been pushing and low and behold, people are responding. There are actually gay weddings that are going to be performed in accord with this issue. Never mind the fact that Marvel's history with married characters is more fucked than every episode of Jerry Springer. Just ask Peter Parker about his marriage. Oh wait...bad example. Selling your marriage to the devil is too much even for Springer. But at a time when this country's religious nut jobs are trying desperately to revert mankind back to an era where gays were target practice, women were cattle, and minorities were slaves I applaud Marvel for celebrating love and pissing off these religious dick holes. The way I see it, if Rick Santorum and Glenn Beck burst out crying from this comic, I'll see it as an epic win.

At the end of the last issue, Northstar was tasked with confronting his mind-controlled boy toy before he gave himself the Kurt Cobain headache cure. It was a tense moment that ended on a rather tense cliffhanger. Astonishing X-men #51 begins by pretty much skipping ahead of all that shit and skipping ahead of the whole issue of Kyle rejecting Northstar's proposal as well. I can't remember the last time the beginning of a comic required a spoiler warning on the first page, but I guess with the massive public interest Marvel raised in promoting this wedding it's not too big of a shock. It starts with Northstar on his wedding day, making the final preparations before he becomes a married man and a nightmare to Christians everywhere. Iceman comes by to let him know it's time. This scene alone crushes the souls of all the die-hard Northstar/Iceman shippers. Surprisingly, there is a massive amount of gay fanfiction porn for these two. If you're among them, I suggest you avoid this comic because it'll kill your will to live.

But the events of the previous issue weren't completely forgotten. While it's all smiles and pre-wedding jitters to begin with, the plot from the previous issue wasn't forgotten for too long. Marjorie Liu picks up at that tense moment when Northstar was staring down a gun behind held by a mind-controlled Kyle. He manages to get it away from him and get grazed with a bullet in the process. This all comes after Northstar had to fight his way through the a bunch of other mind-controlled X-men. But even the X-men can't keep a gay man from his lover boy. They might as well try to keep a fat kid away from a chocolate covered hot dog...okay, bad example.

The source of all this mind fucking hasn't been revealed yet, but at the end of the last issue Karma had the rotten luck of being the only gay character Marvel will allow to get overly fucked in a comic. She was taken over by the same mysterious force that took over the Marauders in an earlier issue. Northstar managed to rough her up in a way that won't jeopardize his membership with the log cabin republicans, which allows her to reassert some form of control over herself and subsequently freeing Kyle in the process. While Northstar reconnects with his boy toy, Karma shows she's still in a world of pain. However, she's still under the thumb of whatever mysterious force that was hinted at being a hot brunette woman in the last issue. Unfortunately, we don't get to see her again. This is a comic centered around a gay wedding so for once a nice rack and a vagina gets you nowhere.

This is pretty much it for the big struggle to free the X-men from mind control. It wasn't much of a struggle. Hell, it was remarkably light for the melodrama, which is pretty surprising given how Marjorie Liu loves to pour melodrama on a story in the same I like to pour whiskey in my coffee. Northstar saves Kyle and confronts Karma, but that's about it. None of the other X-men play a part. There's no struggle. It's essentially glossed over, most likely as a ways to get to the wedding. I know that's the big draw for this comic, but a little extra material here really would've helped. Maybe it's just because my luck with women has left me with scars and alimony that I'm still repaying, but rushing to get to the wedding just doesn't make for a good story.

Not only is the battle with Karma glossed over, but the drama between Kyle and Northstar isn't too heavy either. There's still tender moment between the two after they get back to the Jean Grey Institute. Kyle's ability to avoid shooting his lover boy was definitely a testament to the power, regardless of which body parts it involves. So after they have a tender reunion, Kyle (who rejected Northstar's initial proposal mind you) changes his mind and says yes. Apparently, that's all it takes for a man to change his mind. He just has to be mind controlled into thinking he's going to kill you. It sounds unreasonable, but given the way marriage is these days it's probably necessary for some people.

While tender, this moment was still a far cry from the detail Marjorie Liu put into earlier scenes between these two. It's a big fucking deal, someone changing their mind about a marriage proposal. I've seen the cops called as a result of arguing over marriage and that was just neighbor/pot dealer. A larger discussion would have been nice, but it really wasn't fleshed out and that's a shame because regardless of how you feel about gay love there just isn't enough romance in comics these days. Not when marriages die or are sold to the devil.

We finally return to the present from which this comic started. The spoilers are over and it's all about the wedding bells now. There's not much action or drama. There are just characters like Rogue, Sasquatch, and Kyles parents showing up. It helps build the scale of this marriage. It's not some quickie in Las Vegas done on a whim when you've had too much to drink and the stripper that's dry humping you is in need of a green card. It's basically treated like a normal wedding and not a gay wedding. In some sense that shows just how far Marvel is willing to take it, not playing up the gay aspect. Shit like that has to make Glenn Beck cry his eyes out.

Like any other wedding, it's also a family affair albeit with less bar fights. Northstar's sister, Aurora, shows up to wish him well. They even go on a quick flight and she presents to him a little wedding gift from his Alpha Flight days. It's another nice moment that takes the place of the action that usually fills an Astonishing X-men comic. Again, this isn't a bad thing considering how this issue was billed as a wedding issue and not a brawl. I'm sure Marvel is saving that for their first trip to marriage counseling, but hopefully that's a long ways off.

The ceremony begins and it seems the entire Jean Grey Institute has turned out to take part in the festivities. This is probably the one wedding that the Westboro Baptist Church wouldn't dare picket. How could they harass an affair that involves those with superpowers that can only make them wish their gay-bashing god was real outside their twisted imaginations. Members of Alpha Flight are present. Jubilee and X-23 show up. Havok and Storm even show up. No one from Utopia is there however. Given Wolverine's hatred of Cyclops, I'm assuming he "lost" their invitations. But I guess that's another story this issue glossed over.

The big moment is still very fulfilling. If you're a gay bashing bigot, it'll make you cringe. If you have any appreciation for love, it'll make you smile. So I guess it's win-win. There's no exchange of vows like there were with Cyclops and Jean Grey's wedding. Given how that ended with one of them dying, Northstar and Kyle probably prefer to wing it their own way. It would have been nice if some sentimental words were exchanged, but again it's also glossed over. In the end actions speak louder as they so often do and the ceremony culminates in a big kiss. And it happened without shit blowing up or Christian Conservatives staging a protest. It's as smooth a wedding as you could hope for in the Marvel universe.

Well, I suppose it's all relative because Marjorie Liu didn't completely forget about the plot with Karma. After Wolverine tried yet again to bone a married women with Storm, he slipped away for a covert drink. In doing so he met up with Karma, who is still under the influence and I'm not talking about the way that would get the Olson twins arrested. The wedding may have been successful, but their mission was not and that means Karma is able to take over Wolverine. And this a guy that's already comfortable hitting on married women. So he's the perfect guy to fuck up a wedding without inviting my Aunt Scrotumcrusher to the ceremony.

In terms of weddings, this one went over much better than the last wedding I attended. Hell, this one didn't have anyone's cousin get drunk off champagne and fuck one of the bridesmaids over a punch bowl. In fact, having it end with someone being turned down by a married woman and descending into a homicidal rage is actually a proud family tradition. So the last part of this comic brought a tear to my eye as I recalled my uncle's last wedding. He and his third wife couldn't be happier now. I hope Northstar and Kyle share that happiness. Their wedding here was wonderfully done. But for the comic as a whole, I'm afraid I can't share the same festive spirit.

Now I get that the premise of this comic was billed to be the big wedding. Marvel made sure the wedding dominated this issue because that's how they played it. However, it fit poorly into the overall story. The plot with a mysterious mind-controlling enemy was almost lost in the midst of the wedding. I say almost because it was thrown into the mix at the end. What's going on with Karma is clearly not over yet and the events that have been building since the first issue of this arc haven't been resolved. However, the two plots just weren't blended as well as they could have been. Also, there wasn't nearly as much of an interplay between Kyle and Northstar as there was in previous issues. Kyle just had a change of heart and said yes. There was no drama building up or no reflection of what they had overcome. It was just thrust ahead so they could get to the ceremony. Even with a comic that was giant sized, it felt rushed and that's a shame because this comic did plenty of things right beyond the wedding. It just didn't do them in conjunction with the rest of the story.

Astonishing X-men #51 is an important comic for reasons that go beyond the story. This is a time where gay marriage is a big issue and the loveless, joyless, assholes who use Bronze Age mythology to justify their bigotry are fighting tooth and nail like a real life Lex Luthor to stop it. Comics like this essentially give the big middle finger to assholes like that, as well they should. However, the story in this comic simply didn't fit together as well as it could have. Compared to how well-crafted Marjorie Liu's other stories have been, it was disappointing. That's why I can only give Astonishing X-men #51 a 2.5 out of 5. I can't give it extra points for sticking it to the Michelle Bachmann's and Rick Santorum's of the world. I can only grade it based on the content. But I understand the importance of this issue and no one else should discount it. We should all take a moment to cherish our inner gay and fantasize about making Pat Robertson cry. Celebrate love, people! Celebrate straight love, gay love, all love! Fuck Rick Santorum! May the marriage of Kyle and Northstar succeed until the day they die or the day they make a deal with Mephisto, whichever comes first. Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #50 - Holy Matrimony of Awesome

I'm a man of simple tastes. Give me a comic book, a bag of weed, and a bottle of whiskey and I can entertain myself for a week. I feel a certain sense of pity for the miserable assholes who make a living getting pissed off about random shit. Zealous religious nuts, right-wing politicians, overly politically correct liberals, and anyone that ever had a job at Fox News are among the elite in this special brand of douche-baggery. Rush Limbauh, Glenn Beck, and Pat Robertson are all men that if they existed in comics would be Lex Luthor's prison bitch. That leads me directly to an issue that has gotten these humorless fucks more worked up than a monkey in a banana factory, gay marriage.

Now I consider myself a friend, ally, and enabler of the gay community. Homosexuals are the latest boogymen and booywomen that have haunted the closets of right-wingers since racism stopped being cool. Hell, sex between gays wasn't made legal in the United States until fucking 2003. So of course when gay couples ask for the right to cut back on having sex with their lover and get on their insurance plan, the men and women who make their living being pissed off at minorities fought tooth and nail to oppose it at every turn. Hell, even our last President supported a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, but that was the same president that thought it was a good idea to invade a country on intelligence that was as credible as the messages carved in the bathroom of a highway rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike. So his position on any issue is beyond fucked. Yet still Fox News and everyone who just can't wrap their heads around two guys bumping uglies insist on dedicating time and energy to acting like douche-bags and denying gays their basic human rights.

This is where I actually applaud Marvel and DC because they're willing to give the finger to the Glenn Becks and Pat Robertsons of the world that insist on following the whims of a sex-hating desert god. They already piss these assholes off regularly by showing ridiculously hot men and women dressing in overly revealing costumes and carrying out questionable acts of heroics that may or may not corrupt the youth of a nation. So why not piss them off a little more by throwing homosexuality up their asses? Okay, maybe that's a poor choice of words, but you get the idea. Archie comics already made headlines by introducing a gay character and then marrying him off. DC Comics also recently waved their dicks in the face of the Christian Right when they announced that the New 52 would result in a prominent character becoming gay. Not to be outdone, Marvel has been hinting that another wedding was in the works for the Marvel universe. Never mind the fact that marriages in their comics tend to end very badly, so much so that deals with the devil are deemed viable alternatives. It's still a big deal and wouldn't you know it? It's a gay wedding! Suck on that Rush Limbauh! I mean, after you're finished sucking on your prescription pain pills.

It was one of the least surprising revelations Marvel has done since revealing that Emma Frost's tits were fake. It spins directly out of the events that have been unfolding in Astonishing X-men, a series that was recently taken over by Marjorie Liu. She's been telling a story that involves Northstar moving in with his long time boy toy, Kyle, while a number of other X-men get caught up in a battle against someone who gets their kicks out of mind-fucking people. In the previous issue, Northstar joined Wolverine, Gambit, Karma, Warbird, Iceman, and Cecellia Reyes in a battle against Chimera. They found out that she was being mind controlled and while they were off searching for the source, Northstar and Kyle shared a tender moment. It could have been much sweeter, but then Karma had to go and cross paths with the crazy bitch behind the mind-fucking. It promised to be a major buzz-kill for any tender moment.

Astonishing X-men #50 begins by continuing a story that's not quite as likely to make Rick Santorum want to puke. In the previous issue, the X-men discovered a GPS tracker on one of the mercenaries that tried to repave a New York City street with their bones. The story picks up with them following the source of the signal to an old complex owned by the fine folk at Hatchi Tech, Inc, makers of creepy abandoned buildings with built in prison cells. Although I bet Goldman Sachs have nicer prisons, this revelation doesn't answer the more pressing questions like who thought it was a good idea to mind-fuck some mercenaries into randomly attacking? Along the way, Northstar starts talking about his relationship woes with Kyle and with Gambit no less. Taking relationship advice from Gambit is like taking driving lessons from Lindsey Lohan. Iceman rightly points that out and tells him he needs to find a more efficient way of dealing with relationship woes.

 
It turns out that finding answers about a creepy old factory/prison is slightly easier than dealing with relationship woes. Plus, you get to interact with a hot redhead. Fuck if that isn't the most unfair concept since the cancellation of Firefly. But Wolverine (or at leas this penis) has that kind of reach. When he wants more information on Hatchi Tech, he calls up a master spy with a great rack who was also written by Marjorie Liu if you can believe that. Black Widow is among the few redheads that can make Wolverine's scrotum shrivel. She agrees to meet with Wolverine in a restaurant and look pretty fucking hot in the process. Being a master spy, she like the Google of shady intel and she offers plenty in this instance. Hatchi was once a supplier of the more mundane products for shield like bullets, computers, and skin-tight outfits that show off boobs in just the right way. But then their owner, Susan Hatchi, became ill and/or dropped off the face of the Earth. In the Marvel Universe that's usually code for going evil or losing your fucking mind or both. She offers Wolverine some extra intel to follow the trail she left behind. Then Warbird comes barging in demanding that he either get her to another fight or let her sample the buffet. Neither the enemy or the buffet stands a chance.

While Wolverine is being a good X-men and following up leads, Northstar is trying to be a good boyfriend and patch things up with Kyle. Even though they shared a tender moment in the last issue, they're a long ways away from being the gay equivalent of Reed and Sue Richards. Kyle spends a good deal of time bitching about how he can't get internet in his apartment and can't run his business. In this day and age where internet is so important, that's a perfectly valid reason to be an ass to your lover. But Northstar tries to go the extra mile to show Kyle that he loves his perfectly sculpted and cleanly shaven ass. He flat out proposes to him in the middle of a busy park. The audience is either captivated or disgusted, depending on which presidential candidate they gave money to.

Now this is build as an emotional moment and it is for the most part, but the exchange between Kyle and Northstar is just really cliched here. It's the whole "I feel left out" vs the "I love you and I want to make it work" ordeal that has come up with straight couples. Hell, I think it may have been copied and pasted from an argument that Peter Parker and Mary Jane had (pre-devil deal of course). Maybe that was the point, to make it feel like a normal relationship. That's all well and good, but it certainly didn't feel unique. For Marjorie Liu, who has shown a talent for giving characters a great voice like she did in X-23, it's disappointing even if it does get the right message across. Northstar loves Kyle and wants to be serious with him. He's just taking it way too fucking far and thinking with the wrong head.

Perhaps that's why Kyle flat out said no. It made for a painfully awkward moment, but not quite as awkward when Kyle found himself in the cross hairs of a mysterious villain. It's exactly as cliched as it sounds. For something that was billed as such a landmark moment for Marvel, it really didn't feel that unique. There's not one line between them that's memorable and when you're telling a love story, that's going to kill one too many pussy boners. It leads to a sad moment, but one that really doesn't feel all that unexpected. Even if you're not into gay romance, it's a moment that should have a greater impact than it does. Even with the help of a few extra joints, you just can't feel like this is any different than the same love stories we've been fed since we first realized that being alone sucks our genitals hate us if we neglect them.

While the romance between Nothstar and Kyle was cliched yet meaningful, the ongoing mystery with Hitachi doesn't do much better. Wolverine leads Warbird, Iceman, and Gambit to a stereotypical abandoned warehouse. Seriously, what is it about warehouses that they have to be the site if every fucking conflict in every fucking comic? I don't mind comics that stick to formulas, but even if you have the best strain of weed you get sick of it after a while. It's pretty standard here. They encounter another Marauder. This time it's Blockbuster and he's more fucked than the video store he's named after. It's only a short fight. Warbird stabs his back and he actually seemed grateful. It was clear that whatever fucked up Chimura's mind in the last issue was in the process of sodomizing his.

Since someone tried to kill them, the X-men know they're on the right track. So they do the same dumb thing every hero does in this situation and barge right into the creepy abandoned warehouse. This leads them to make a very grim discovery. The Marauders apparently were forced to slaughter each other, presumably while someone watched with popcorn, a bottle of lube, and no pants. It's a grim sight, but one the X-men should be used to in their line of work. They should also be used to evil masterminds sneaking up on them, but again that's what happens when you go barging into a creepy warehouse. You either get attacked or mind fucked. In this case it's the latter. We don't see the source, but it's clear that whoever was behind the Marauders cage match just wasn't content forcing regular superpowered mercenaries to beat each other up. He/she wants to graduate to X-men and like most cliched plots, you can figure out where it goes from there.

It puts Northstar right in the line of fire. He might as well have camped out with the Westboro Baptist Church in a dark alley because when he finds out that Kyle has been abducted, he flies towards his fellow X-men with the urgency of Donald Trump to a toupee clearance sale. Along the way he continues whining about how he fucked things up with Kyle and not in a good way. It's still pretty cliched, but it does get the right message across that he's in a very emotional state. This only worsens when he arrives to find that Iceman is now being mind-controlled and doing his best impression of a giant ice cockroach that listened to one too many Jerry Falwell sermons. Northstar manages to knock some sense into him, but he's still no closer to saving Kyle.

This is where the cliches end and the storytelling talents of Marjorie Liu converge. For the past few issues, there have been brief shots of the near future showing Northstar running for his life while the X-men chase him. And it's not because he put a webcam in their toilets either. We now know why and we know the reason behind it. This helps tie the overall arc together in a way that goes a long ways towards making up for the cliches. It's always a great feeling when the elements of an arc fit together so nicely. It's like coming home and finding a beautiful naked women sitting on your couch with a fresh back of weed in both hands and this won't make you forget where you put your keys.

Once again, I applaud any piece of work that upsets uptight religious zealots or would be banned from the libraries at Liberty University. This issue certainly did that, treating a homosexual relationship with the same depth and passion as a heterosexual relationship. Somewhere out there a Catholic priest is weeping, Rick Santorum is dry heaving over his toilet, and Ricky Martin is shaking his hips with a little extra passion. However, pissing off bigoted assholes who need to get laid and smoke a joint is not enough to make a comic awesome. This issue did a good job of moving the story forward and following a logical progression from the events of the previous two issues. It also did a nice job of linking up the flash-forward scenes that were littered in the previous two issues to the end of this issue. However, it's the finer details that fell short.

The biggest issue in this comic wasn't that it offended bible thumpers. It was that too much of it was cliched. The abandoned factories were cliched settings. The emotional drama with Northstar and Kyle were cliched. There was no unique feeling to this issue. It felt as though you could cut and paste the setting and the sappy parts into other comics and it would still make sense. Marjorie Liu is usually very good at providing a special voice to her books. This was one instance where that voice was too bland. It doesn't bring the comic down completely or even halfway. It just makes it too easily forgettable.

Now I don't want to understate the important milestone this represents for Marvel. Taking on gay marriage at time when the talking heads of the political world are shitting themselves is a risky proposition and for the most part, it's handled nicely in this issue. It could have been handled better, but it still has the right impact. It may not undo the shitty ballot initiatives in North Carolina, but it does build around a solid story that still has the potential to finish strong once all the pieces are in place. Until then, I give Astonishing X-men #50 a 3.5 out of 5. Gay rights supporters, bigot haters, and fans of the Bravo network should rejoice! Marvel has joined your fight and what better ally to have than the same people that made their own messiah character not named after a Jewish carpenter? Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #49 - Gay Old Awesome

Every so often, someone will provoke the over-sensitive right-wing douche-bags of this world in a way that is so blatant that even the most progressive among us will raise an eyebrow. No matter how blatant it may be, I'm always in favor of pissing off this particular segment of the population. Whenever I see the Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world seethe with outrage whenever someone throws a taboo subject like homosexuality in their faces, I usually just grab myself a cold beer, light up a joint, and enjoy the show. And if by chance it means getting an awesome comic book in the process, hell that's just a bonus!

After reading Astonishing X-men #48, I could literally hear the assholes of every conservative Christian clench. The sound was so deafening I thought God herself had farted (I imagine that if there is a god, it's a big-titted women by the way). It wasn't because the comic involved the X-men collectively taking a piss on the tomb of Jesus Christ. It was because it actually dared to tell an X-men storty that involved one of their most prominent gay characters, Northstar, dealing with an actual homosexual relationship with his long-time dong-enthusiest, Kyle. As if that weren't blasphemous enough, it wasn't depicted as the plot of a gay porno or a Lady Gaga concert. It was actually depicted as a normal relationship with all the drama. The only difference was that one of them had mutant powers that gave him no excuses to being late for a cheese-tasting party. Yes, somewhere out there Glenn Beck was crying like a little girl over the damage this would do to the country and innocent children everywhere. But fuck Glenn Beck. He wouldn't know a decent comic if God herself inserted it into his brain through his rectum.

Beyond simple fun of making homophobes uncomfortable, Astonishing X-men has been in the midst of a transition. After Greg Pak's lone arc, Marjorie Liu is establishing her run with a new cast and a new setting. It takes the likes of Iceman, Northstar, Wolverine, Gambit, Warbird, and Cecelia Reyes out from the flashy surroundings of Utopia or the Jean Grey Institute and places them right in New York City where they can draw in danger to populated areas. I know they don't intend to attract danger, but they should at least take that shit into account when they visit a major city. While Northstar was busy moving in with Kyle, he got called up by Wolverine to track a new threat within the city. It led them to Gambit and Cecelia, who soon found themselves targeted by a guys with bazookas and the Marauders. It's enough to ruin any trip to the Big Apple, short of several detours through the Bronx.

Like the last issue, Astonishing X-men #49 begins with a brief glimpse into the future. Someone is clearly controlling the X-men and forcing Nothstar to go on the run with the same urgency as Pat Robertson at a Lady Gaga concert. In the last issue he had to escape Wolverine and Gambit. Now he has to escape Karma, one of the only other prominent gay characters in X-men. And in a scene that should have GLADD up in arms, she's unable to fight off whatever is controlling her and forces Northstar to get rough with her in a way that Rick Santorum can only dream of. If that weren't bad enough, Northstar's man-squeeze, Kyle, is also fighting the same control and he's having just as much luck as Karma. Except when the time comes to point a gun at his lover, he ends up turning it on himself. It has all the dangerous makings of a bad "It Gets Better" video, but before we know the outcome we flash back from the near future to the present.

The time shift isn't as confusing as it sounds. The last issue ended with the X-men facing down Chimera and the Marauders after Gambit's apartment was blown to hell. Naturally, the X-men don't take kindly to having their insurance premiums jacked up so they start fighting back. Chimera subdues Iceman and Northstar with her flashy green dragons that could definitely be mistaken for penis metaphors. Wolverine has to deal with taking a fucking harpoon to the heart. Even for a guy with a healing factor, that shit's gotta hurt. And this is all in the middle of New York City, mind you. You won't get a much greater spectacle outside a gay pride parade, which in this case I guess is more than appropriate.

One X-man (or former X-man) that's trying to not take part in this bloody battle is Cecelia Reyes. She spent a good chunk of the last issue explaining that she didn't care for a life of violence with the X-men. She's a doctor and just wants to have a simple job passing out antibiotics to women who were stupid enough to sleep with Tommy Lee. The Marauders just don't let her. One of them is stupid enough to put a gun to her head. That's usually a very menacing gesture, but considering how Cecelia's powers involve creating force fields you might as well be pissing on an electric fence. When the Marauder is stupid enough to shoot, his reward is a nice shower of bullet shards to the face. I'm sure the Andrew Zimmerman's of the world now have a new worst nightmare.

The battle against the Marauders continues to unfold with the same messiness as any street brawl in New York, albeit slightly less destructive than a brawl in New Jersey. Chimera and the Marauders are doing a pretty good job of roughing up the X-men, but then Marjorie Liu throws in a twist. She was so good at it in X-23 so it stands to reason she would try again with Astonishing. It's like a good strain of weed. If it works, don't bother tweaking it. The twist comes courtesy of Karma, who happened to be in the neighborhood and met up with Kyle. She uses that powerful mind of hers on top of that lesbian body that would fit in nicely with so many pornos to uncover a slight wrinkle in this battle. Chimera, the crazy bitch with the dragons, is being mind controlled. She doesn't seem to know it, but once Karma works that lesbo psychic magic she exposes the unfortunate truth and suddenly this street fight takes on a new tone.

It's not the most insane twist that Marjorie Liu could have made. She didn't reveal that Chimera was Wolverine's long lost sister and she had been sent from the future to cut off his balls so that he wouldn't father any more deranged Daken-like children. She was just being mind controlled. That sounds typical at first until you consider the brief flash-forwards in this issue and the previous issue. It fits in nicely, showing that there are some psychic shenanigans going on. And when certain elements fit nicely, that's usually a good sign for a comic and a good reason to light up another joint. Then again, I've yet to come up with a bad reason to light up a joint so maybe that's not a fair comparison.

Once Chimera is free of her mind control, she immediately calls off the rest of the Marauders. They're understandably confused. They tend not to like the idea that they were being controlled and prefer to just keep fighting randomly and hoping someone pays them money or hands them over the keys to the universe, whichever comes first. Thankfully, Chimera's brain is still somewhat functional despite being mind-controlled. Even though they had the X-men on the ropes, she orders that Vanisher step in and teleport them away. This leaves the X-men in the middle of a decimated street amidst many confused New Yorkers, but lets face it this is probably not the craziest shit they've ever seen. Hell, they're all probably still obsessing over Tim Tebow's arrival to the Jets.

Chimura still stays behind, if for no other reason than to give her teammates the finger. She also allows Karma to dig deeper into her mind in order to find out who the hell mind-fucked her. That proves to be as good an idea as riding a roller coaster after eating a batch of extra-spice chicken wings laced with laxative. Whatever psychic took a bat to Chimura's mind made sure no one, especially not the X-men's lone lesbian, could find out who they were. It becomes a disturbing vision of maggots and pain, not unlike having to spend the night in my old college frat house after a party. It leaves them low on answers, but they still have a few clues in the form of the asshole that tried to shoot Cecelia in the head. He may have been given the John McClane lead facial, but even dead guys can offer clues. The guy actually has a GPS tracker on him so they can check out all the places he's been be it an evil lair or a strip club.

While the X-men dig deeper, Northstar decides to get away from the chaos and fly his boy toy around the bright shiny lights of New York City. It makes for an overtly romantic setting for them to have a nice, long conversation that even straight couples in comics rarely have. Set aside any revulsion you may have to two men swapping spit, there's some real drama here and it's the kind of drama Marjorie Liu has always excelled at. Kyle talks to Northstar about how fucked up it is to be in a relationship with a mutant while he's just a normal guy. How does something like that work? How does he function knowing that Northstar is out playing X-man while he's back in New York with nothing but his Elton John CDs and box set of the L-Word? But Northstar goes out of his way to let Kyle know that even when he's off being an X-man, he's an important part of his life. It's a strength and not a weakness. It makes for a tender moment that epitomizes every Lady Gaga song ever made.

Beyond the whole gay part of their relationship, Marjorie Liu highlights an important dramatic element here. All too often in comics, relationships involve people with superpowers. Aside from Superman and Lois Lane, you don't get too many couples where one has superpowers and the other doesn't. It's like being in a relationship where someone else makes a fuck-ton more money than you. It makes for a rather unequal relationship. But as Anna Nichole Smith has shown us, it can be made to work. If there's love, there's a chance. It's a good message and one that most writers readily gloss over. So what if it involves a gay couple? It's about damn time someone at Marvel addresses this shit.

This romantic moment is one of the highlights of the issue, but all those warm and fuzzy feelings have to content with that same feeling you get after you eat Mexican while drunk at 1 am. Having helped the X-men enough for one day, Karma heads back to her place with the intention of purging her mind of the disturbing visions she had earlier. Usually a head in the microwave helps, but that's just me. She's prepared to turn in and start fantasizing about the latest LPGA champions. Then she's met by a mysterious-looking woman who reveals that she was the one behind Chimura. While I can't quite identify who she is, she definitely has the psycho-Hillary Clinton feel to her. Not content with just mind-fucking Chimura, she's poised to mind-fuck the X-men again and have a damn good time doing it.

Astonishing X-men has been an anomaly since Joss Whedon's run ended. It's never really established a sense of consistency, nor has it established a role amongst the other X-books. It seems to change on an arc-to-arc basis. It's less consistent than Mitt Romney at times, but Marjorie Liu seems to be making a conscious effort to give this book an identity. This issue had her really demonstrate the strengths she made so abundantly clear during her X-23 run. She wields mystery and drama with the same skill as Jason Vorhees wields a machete. The brief glimpses she's been hinting at in the beginning of each issue as well as the twists regarding mind control make for a story with a uniquely awesome feel. It sounds complicated, but Marjorie Liu finds a way to make it easy to follow (provided you don't read the comic while you're too stoned). If the mystery doesn't intrigue you, the drama between Northstar and Kyle damn well better. Unless you listen to one too many of James Dobson's lectures, the sheer breadth to which Liu fleshes out this relationship is...well, astonishing for lack of a better word. You won't find a more gripping experience without being Bart Simpson's neck.

If there is an inconsistency, it's the level of vagueness that Liu is willing to tolerate. She describes the drama and the mystery very well, but at times the mystery is too damn mysterious if that's the right word. It's clear that someone is mind-fucking the X-men and doing a pretty good job of it. It's not clear why they're doing it or even who could be behind it. Maybe I just didn't recognize the woman on the last page, but if a mystery is to remain at least somewhat coherent there needs to be a few clues as to why so much mind-fucking is going on. This isn't the fucking Matrix. The story is clearly meant to be more coherent and it could definitely use a few minor details, but to make a big deal out of it would just be petty. I'm petty about a lot of things in comics, namely bad replacement characters and red-headed, green-eyed Phoenix wielders not named Jean Grey. But I can't be too petty about this comic.

While certain details may be lacking, Marjorie Liu more than makes up for it by weaving an action-packed story that is nicely coupled with some drama. By offering a brief glimpse into what is about to happen in the near future, it makes the story all the more intriguing. It's probably the most intriguing Astonishing X-men has been in quite some time. For a series that has been pretty inconsistent if not outright negated by the events of other X-books, that's saying quite a bit. I can't be too petty, but I can't be overly generous either. This issue is pretty awesome, but it's just a few degrees off from perfection. I give Astonishing X-men #49 a 4 out of 5. This arc holds great promise. Not only is it telling a great story, it's giving the finger to everyone who ever gave money to Rick Santorum. For that, I deem this comic awesome. Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #48 - Born This Awesome

I like to think of myself as a progressive drunk. I've been harassed and annoyed by the government, religious zealots, and basically anyone who listens to Sean Hannity on a regular basis to be opposed to such douche-baggery. That extends to my sentiments regarding homosexuality. Overall, I'm for it. There needs to be a healthy mix of gayness in the population and I don't give a shit what the assholes at the Family Research Council say. Human beings are horny creatures, but we're also loving creatures. Why restrict our desire to love and bone to just one gender? It just seems like a horrible waste of human flesh.

With that said, the world of comics isn't exactly bursting at the seams with gay characters or gay themed stories. How can they when so many characters have women that look like porn stars and men that look like Calvin Klein models? It wasn't until recently that homosexuality in comics was apparent enough to piss off the right-wing religious nuts in One Million Moms (thanks Archie!), but that doesn't mean that there aren't good gay characters in comics. X-men in particular, a series that was built around being a metaphor for minorities, has a few notable gay characters. One of the best known is Jean-Paul Beaubier, aka Northstar. This guy is essentially Ricky Martin's wet dream. He's charming, he's good looking, and he's French. He's been in and out of a number of X-men comics in the same way George Michaels is in and out of public restrooms. He's spent time in Uncanny X-men most recently, but now he's getting a larger role in Astonishing X-men along with a new writing staff and I can just hear the gay pride parades along Castro Street celebrating in ways that make Rick Santorum violently ill (yet another reason to love gay people).

Not long ago, I delivered the solemn news that Marjorie Liu's most excellent run on X-23 came to a premature end. It was a sad day. I only finished half a bottle of tequila that night and was only marginally hung over the next day. As an accomplished drunk and fanboy, that's just pathetic. But Marjorie Liu's talent and ability to tell damn good X-men stories just can't be snuffed out that quickly. After Greg Pak finished his brief run on the series, she's taken over with a new line-up and a new focus. As someone who sobbed more than Glenn Beck at an Obama fundraiser after the end of her X-23 run, this was music to my ears. I celebrated with one or several drinks. I ended up sobbing more by the end of the night, but that was completely unrelated to comics and under order from a Baltimore judge I'm not at liberty to discuss the details.

Astonishing X-men #48 begins with a classic Fugitive moment, complete with shit-stenched sewers. Insert whatever gay connotations you want here, but it's not a good situation for Northstar. For reasons not yet explained, Wolverine and Gambit seem intent on killing him. Now maybe they've just been listening to too much of James Dobson's lectures, but it's rarely that simple in the Marvel universe. The first few pages just set the stage with some dramatic inner monologue. It's the kind of style that Marjorie Liu did so well in X-23. She can go from a very damaged teenage girl to a adult homosexual man running for his life so her unique touch in the pages of Astonishing X-men is already being felt. It's as welcome to this series as a Swedish massage by a topless ex-Playboy playmate.

Flash back to the past and Northstar is dealing with shit that's far less dangerous, but every bit as strenuous. Way back during the days of Nation X (and by way back I mean only three years ago), we got to see Northstar and his current boy toy, Kyle. He doesn't look like the kind of gay guy you would see on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He actually looks like the guy I buy my weed from, but I'm assuming that's a big fucking coincidence. Well in the time since then (depending on how much time has passed in the Marvel Universe which is always more confusing than quantum physics), Northstar and Kyle decided to take their relationship to the next level. No, I don't mean using different brands of lube. I mean moving in together. They decided to move into a place in Hells Kitchen of all neighborhoods. I don't know who their real estate agent is, but he or she needs to be fired.

Now if you're a homophobic bigot or you still get all icky inside when you think about two dudes kissing, you may have a problem with this scene. I personally have a problem with Cyclops wearing a full body condom for a uniform, but I can look past it. And unless you go to Tim Tebow's church, this is a pretty sweet scene. Kyle and Northstar don't carry themselves like the flaming gays you see in movies or gay porn. They come off as a normal couple trying to figure out how they're going to live together after being a long-distance gig. It involves shit as mundane as unpacking their shit and being interrupted by a phone call from Wolverine. It may not seem like much, but it's the kind of drama that Marjorie Liu did so well in X-23. And if she can make it work for a fucked up teenage girl, she can make it work for a gay couple in New York.

Northstar and Kyle aren't the only ones who are getting overly sweet with one another. During Marjorie Liu's X-23 series, Gambit caught up with Cecelia Reyes. He had a wound on his groin and she was nice enough to treat it. She must have treated it so well that Gambit caught up with her and she must have liked the package she saw because she went along with him. She joins him in an apartment Gambit rents when he's not playing the part of an X-man, a thief, or a guy who likes to hang around loose women and/or messed up teenage girls. It's another nice dramatic moment, both for Gambit and Cecelia. Gambit talks about the need to get away from the crazy life of an X-man and Cecelia talks about never wanting to have that life again. It's another one of those mundane things, wanting a normal life with problems that don't involve killer cosmic forces or mutant schools run by a guy with adamantium claws and a drinking problem. It's the kind of simpler things that Astonishing X-men used to have, but sacrificed in the name of ghost boxes and Hiroshima survivors.

It's all so nice and peachy for a bit, but this is a fucking X-men comic. You know that shit isn't going to last. Something is going to blow up. Remember that phone call that interrupted Northstar and Kyle before they could play a game of chocolate rocket explorer? Well it was Wolverine and he wasn't satisfied with just cock-blocked Northstar. He had to cock-block Gambit as well. He's not very descriptive in his reasons for denying both men the sex they so deeply deserve. He claims to have business, which could mean anything from streaking through Yankees Stadium or sucker punching the Kingpin. It certainly annoys Cecelia, who just finished explaining how she didn't care to get caught up in the X-men's shit and she knows better than most that said shit often follows Wolverine like a stripper follows investment bankers after they get their bonuses.

All that nice and peachy All My Children drama disappears pretty fucking fast when Warbird shows up, who is apparently assisting Wolverine in his cock-blocking. All she says is they're in deep shit (or something to that effect). Next panel...boom. They get attacked and shit blows up. NOW it's starting to feel like an Astonishing X-men comic! Cecelia is even more pissed than before. Once again, she's unable to avoid the inevitable chaos that follows the X-men wherever they go. They're like Motley Crue in the 80s, bringing mayhem and syphilis wherever they go. It's a nice spectacle, but it's a bit overly random. While the drama and sudden action is nice, not much has really been done to connect the events. It started in a sewer, went to a gay couple's apartment, and ended in Gambit's apartment. It sounds like the plot of a very bad low budget film by Oliver Stone, minus the excessive length and liberal underpinnings. But something awesome is clearly going on here. We just don't know how the fuck it ties together.

What we do know, however, is where this latest dose of mayhem came from. A helicopter hovering over Hells Kitchen happened to be in the neighborhood and one of the guys was armed with a rocket launcher. Apparently, post 9/11 New York City has even shittier airspace security and restriction on military grade weapons than a Mexican pot farm. It's not clear why they're trying to kill the X-men, aside from the usual they're freaks or Wolverine boned someone's wife. For all we know, the X-men are just legally designated as target practice under Marvel universe common law. But before they can shoot any more rockets, Iceman shows up and freezes their asses and crash their helicopter. And if they're lucky, these assholes don't have insurance. Again, we don't know what the conflict is here. There's a lot going on, but we're just lacking details.

We do get some details once the helicopter crashes and Wolverine's buddies catch up with Iceman, but these details raise more questions than answers. What kind of questions? How about the kind of questions that involve a sexy woman in a green outfit that summons green energy dragons? In other words, the awesome kind. She's not alone either. She has backup and for whatever reason she thinks it's necessary to fuck the X-men up and ruin what should be a night of gay and straight boning. Again, no reason is given. Nothing is even hinted at. No ominous message is offered. Maybe this is another woman Wolverine boned and never called. Maybe this is someone hired by Pat Roberson to ruin Northstar and Kyle's relationship. It could be anything. Like Mitt Romney's appeal, we just don't know.

It isn't just X-men that get involved though. Kyle, Northstar's lover boy who got left behind while he caught up with Wolverine, is curious when he sees an explosion in the middle of the city. Who wouldn't be curious? Well like a good lover who likes to keep tabs on his stud muffin and doesn't know how to use Facebook, Kyle was keeping tabs on Northstar and when shit started blowing up it was a foregone conclusion that he was in the thick of it. But before Kyle can go after his man, he gets attacked by a different treat. Once again, few details are given. It could be zombies. It could be Tea Party supporters. We just don't know. There's definitely a clear threat here. It just isn't revealed, almost to the point of it being less ominous and more annoying.

Marjorie Liu's writing style is unique in that it fits nicely within a certain type of story. X-23 was a great fit because it allowed her to focus on the growth and general fucked up mentality that comes along with being both a teenager and a clone of a living weapon. Astonishing X-men is know for a lot of shit, but it isn't known for that kind of introspection. It's more known for Kitty Pryde getting stuck in a giant bullet. But in a sense Astonishing is probably the best series she could have taken over because this series is so all over the place that the next writer could make it a Squirrel Girl solo series and it would still be appropriate. Astonishing has had a serious identity crisis ever since Joss Whedon left and Marjorie Liu's more dramatic style is a welcome change. Just as Whedon's focus on the Cyclops/Emma relationship made his early run in Astonishing so memorable, Marjorie Liu is capturing some of that drama with the likes of Northstar and Kyle and even Gambit and Cecelia. On the surface it shouldn't fit in Astonishing, but it does damn it! And it's pretty fucking awesome.

Just as she did with X-23, Marjorie Liu did a nice job of mixing drama with action. Those sweet moments of gay and straight romance were coupled with action that involved attack helicopters and rocket launchers. It's par for the course in an X-men comic, which is more than Tiger Woods can say these days. But what keeps this story from being as memorable as Tiger's divorce settlement is the lack of overall connections. It's really not clear how the opening scene connects with the later scenes both with Kyle and the helicopter attack. I get that there are probably connections that haven't been revealed yet, but as it stands it's a bit too confusing. There's being subtle about connections and then there's just being too vague. The issue is still coherent. It just lacks the extra meat on the bones to make it sufficiently juicy.

In terms of first issues, Marjorie Liu did a great job and it's refreshing to see her on another X-book. Hopefully her run lasts longer than Greg Pak's brief but memorable stint. Astonishing X-men is one a lot like that eccentric girl in high school that dressed differently every other day. Sometimes she looked smoking hot. Other times she looked like someone you wouldn't touch with a panda's dick. This is a series badly in need of consistency and Marjorie Liu is in a position to provide that. She demonstrated why she's the right gal for the job with this issue and I give Astonishing X-men #48 a 4 out of 5. There's action, drama, and the kind of romance that will make Rick Santorum vomit and any comic that can make Rick Santorum vomit is awesome in it's own right. Nuff said!

X-23 #20 - Girls Night Awesome

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X-23 #19 - Heart Shattering Awesome

Teenagers are complicated, irrational creatures. One day they're so frail that the mere thought of taking a quiz in algebra class sends them into crying fits. The next they're so cold that they'll casually tell their parents that they choke small animals in their spare time. As a former teenager with more than his share of poor impulse control, comics like X-23 resonate with me. They don't just remind me that being a teenager sucks ass. They remind me that while it helps to have a healing factor and adamantium claws, you learn how to make tough decisions and live with them before you're too old make up for it.

X-23 under Marjorie Liu has been more a teenager than she has been a mutant or a Wolverine clone. It's been a boon for her character, so much so that it should be a federal crime that this series is getting cancelled. But I'd rather not go on that rant again. I'm still hung over from too much eggnog. Under Liu, X-23 has gone through some tough phases. She left Utopia, crossed paths with Sinister, took on Daken, and went through a self-mutilation phase. She even dabbled a bit in cosmic threats with the FF. Now she's taken a slightly less outrageous mission in the form of babysitting the children of Reed and Sue Richards. Wait...did I say that was less outrageous. Man, I am hung over!

Not surprisingly, this babysitting endeavor goes horribly wrong. The Richards children accidentally open a portal that takes them across the universe where a crazed fanboy with advanced technology and too much free time, abducts Franklin and Valeria. All the while, X-23 is dealing with her on-again/off-again boy toy Hellion. He was a bit of a jerk to her, but in his defense X-23 didn't say shit to him. She just visited him and left. He tried to catch up with her. A dragon and a time warp got in the way. That's pretty much par for the course in comics. However, I would argue it's no more serious than meeting your high school girlfriend's father and finding out he's a rabid NRA supporter whose eye twitches at you every time you stare at him for too long.

But I'd rather not relive memories of my ex. I'd rather focus on how this story continues with X-23 #19. In the last issue, X-23 met up with the Collector in his fancy ship only to find out that the Richards kids are now floating helplessly in space in a couple of bubble-like orbs. They're low on oxygen and time. The Collector, who seems intent on adding a Wolverine clone to his collection, decides to screw with her a bit by giving her a chance to rescue them. He gives her this fancy space suit and dares her to go after them. Hellion certainly doesn't like it, but X-23 is the babysitter if I recall. She's gotta get those kids or she doesn't get paid.

It's X-23 vs. the vacuum of space in an effort to get two pesky kids who got her into this shit by playing with dimensional portals. It seems more fair than it should be, but Hellion doesn't see it that way. He's still inclined to kick the Collector's ass for putting the girl he seriously wants to bone in this kind of danger. He continues to give him even more reasons because while he has him by the neck, he tells him that the fancy suit he so generously lent X-23 had a 'batteries not included' label. So like my ex-girlfriend's vibrator, it doesn't have the juice to get the job done and X-23 is that much more vulnerable.

What happens next is a test in physics. Pop quiz all you wonderful readers. What happens when you put someone in a vacuum? Answer, they suffer and choke in agonizing pain. For anyone else, that's death. But keep in mind that X-23 has lived a good deal of her life in agonizing pain. Hell, she was brought up in a lab where some guys probably jerked off to her suffering. So much to the Collector's chagrin, X-23 doesn't let a little something like a lack of oxygen stop her. Even with her healing, the vacuum of space is going to win that battle and even she knows it.

This is where it pays to be stuck with a guy who is seriously trying to bone you. When X-23 manages to break the air lock and send them both flying out into the vacuum of space, Hellion channels his inner Green Lantern and uses his telekinesis to save X-23. He's even nice enough to get Franklin and Valeria back to safety. Now I'm not sure if that's just nice or if that's his way of inching closer to getting inside X-23's panties, but it's probably the first real honest act of heroism that he's done in quite a while. I think there's a hidden message here. When teenagers are assholes, they're assholes to an amazing degree. But when given the potential for pussy, they'll be as heroic as Superman. Take note, parents! That's definitely something useful.

Once they're back in the ship and in the presence of sweet, wonderful oxygen, X-23 turns her attention back to the Collector. It's one thing to abduct Valeria and Franklin on her first babysitting run. It's another to trick her into flying out into space and then cutting off her air supply. Then he decides to go for the trifecta by attempting to kill Hellion for screwing his plan up. That's a no-no for X-23. Even if this kid is a jerk, he did save her life. While that may not get him into her panties, that will get him a vengeance kill. So even with a body that's still clearly fucked up from getting dangerously close to going down on the grim reaper, she takes on the Collector. At first he boasts how he's superhuman and immortal. She decides to test that claim by chopping off the guy's fucking head. Given all the crap he's put her through, a drawn out battle just wouldn't seem appropriate. When you piss a teenage girl off that much, decapitation is probably the most merciful fate one can hope for. Again, another lesson for would-be parents.

The Collector is dead. They're all still alive and in one piece, despite an unpleasant trip into space. So using the Collector's own gear, Valeria and Franklin program a portal that not only sends them back to New York it also sends the dragon back where it came from. See? Kids aren't completely psychopathic. They make it back to the lab only to see that it's royally fucked up. But these are the Richards kids. They're smarter than the average per-pubecant horrors and can clean up a lab in under 10 minutes. So since X-23 and Hellion were nice enough to save their lives and all, they do just that. So by the time Reed and Sue get home, they're both sleeping peacefully on the couch and you would never guess that they just got back from an adventure in space with a psychotic collector. But given their experience, they probably just assume it and shrug it off as another normal day.

X-23's first stint into babysitting is done. She leaves the FF understandably exhausted and probably jaded about a career in babysitting. But there's one other immature tyke she has to deal with and that's Hellion. He's waiting for her outside and he's intent on talking to her in the way she's been avoiding since this shit began. Now remember, she's the one that visited him at the institute when this arc began and she didn't do shit. She just showed up and left. So it's actually understandable that Hellion would want to talk to her to get some answers. But she still doesn't budge. Then he tries kissing her. It's not a very subtle kiss either. It's not the kind that X-23 is repulsed by. But then when it's over and he tries to get emotional, she just flat out says she doesn't want him. She doesn't care about him. She staying in the city, but not for him. It's probably the coldest, most dickish thing she's done in this comic and that includes the decapitation scene. So Hellion is understandably upset. He calls her out for being a machine that can't feel. It's harsh, but in this case X-23 deserved it.

This scene effectively ends the X-23/Hellion relationship, but in a way that's hardly clean. Marjorie Liu is great at writing teen drama and she does a great job of showing just how conflicted Hellion is. However, X-23 is so utterly stoic that I have a hard time making sense of this. She shows up, drags him along, and then breaks his heart? I know teenage girls can be cruel, but WTF? It's not that X-23 dumped Hellion in the middle of a street that bothers me. It's that she says so little and there's nothing in her expression that says anymore. She doesn't offer an explanation. She doesn't explain or even imply her motivations. She just flat out says "I don't want you. Now leave." It actually makes her seem like more of a douche than Hellion and that's saying a lot.

Now Hellion has even more reason to be emo, but X-23 doesn't seem to give too much of a damn. She just goes out for pizza where she meets up with Gambit. As he's done for much of this series, he offers X-23 some insight into what she's going through. It's not the most insightful bit of advice. To her credit X-23 does admit that Hellion meant something to her before, but it had changed. Gambit says that's normal and it is. Sometimes feelings get stronger and sometimes they don't and you have to move on. It sounds like the kind of message you get from a John Huges movie, but it's kind of hard to believe that coming from Gambit because he's been hung up on Rogue since the fucking Clinton administration. He says it's easier said than done, but that's like saying you can fix a nuclear reactor with a fucking wrench. The man has no credibility in this department and maybe that's the point.

Gambit takes X-23 home where she can do whatever teenage girls do after they break the heart of a teenage boy. I always imagined that they summon demons and swap blood with them so they can enjoy the suffering they inflict. Or maybe that's just my ex or that bitch that said I had too many pimples to go the prom with her. Whatever she had planned, those plans change when she arrives to find that she already has a guest. A few arcs ago, X-23 made her first real BFF in the form of Vampire Jubilee. She's the kind of girl that is such a stark contrast to X-23 that I'm pretty sure that Chuck Lorre is working on a sitcom based around this presence. So even with this series nearing it's end, Marjorie Liu sets us up for one last arc that involves trained killers and vampires. Sounds like fun to me!

So X-23's first venture into babysitting isn't a booming success or an epic failure. She does manage to keep Valeria and Franklin safe, but only after they make it exceedingly difficult for her by getting them caught up with an asshole like the Collector. While that turned out well, her pep talk with Hellion did not. I know there are some rabid Hellion/X-23 shippers out there and this issue is probably a dagger to the heart. X-23 makes it clear. She doesn't care about Hellion anymore. She's not all that conflicted about it either. She said so little to Hellion early on and gave so little indication as to what she felt for most of the story. It's still not clear if there was something else at work or if she was just being cold as teenagers tend to be. Either way, that romance is pretty much dead and given how much of an asshat Hellion has been since he lost his hands it may be for the better.

This was a great issue in terms of action and drama, but the lack of substance to X-23's interactions with Hellion is what really brought it down. Hellion was the emotional one here. All X-23 did was show up, stare blankly, and say she didn't want him in the end. I get that teenage girls have fucked up emotions, but the lack of insight here has me scratching my head. I honestly don't know what to make of X-23's actions here, but it looks like she has other drama in her life with Jubilee entering the picture again. In a way it sounds like she would get along a lot better with someone like Jubilee, a blood-sucking vampire that has to control her urge to kill just like X-23. Whether or not they talk about boys is basically moot at this point because the lack of detail here just makes it seem meaningless.

Everything else in this issue was solid. Marjorie Liu's writing is as good as we've come to expect. The art is beautiful. The action and the pacing all work nicely. It's just that emotional flatness on X-23 that brings this issue down. It ends the arc on a solid note, but it still feels like it's lacking. So with that minor detail, I give X-23 #19 a 4.5 out of 5. If you're an X-23/Hellion fan, you're probably going to hate this with the fire of a billion suns. But if you're just a fan of teen drama mixed with aliens and dragons, you'll have plenty to enjoy. Nuff said!