Marvel Universe Reboot: Should They or Shouldn't They?

I try not to get too caught up in business aspect of comics. It's not just that I find the business aspect of any entertainment enterprise to be more boring than watching piles of shit dry out in the sun. When you've nuked as many brain cells as I have over the years, you just don't have enough energy to think about the rich men in fancy suits sitting in conference rooms contemplating how to squeeze as much money out of its customers as possible. Now don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against business. This is America, damn it! Heartless, soulless capitalism that mercilessly sucks on the teat of the almighty dollar is part of freedom and it gets consumers like us some pretty awesome shit. But for the past year and even a bit before that, the business practices of the comic book world have garnered greater attention among fans and for once it's not because it involves a lawsuit against Rupert Murdoch. It involves what I call the "Great Reboot Debate."

Comic fans, even the stoners, all remember what went down in September of 2011. DC Comics, sick of lagging behind Marvel's market share and all the "Superboy Prime continuity punch" jokes, decided to shake up the massively messy etch-a-sketch that was the DC Universe and reboot everything. In terms of marketing ploys, this is akin to remodeling an entire neighborhood using napalm. It sent some fans into a state of chronic conniption fits while others let out a sigh of relief because they didn't have to hack a NASA satellite to effectively track the convoluted conglomerate of continuity that was DC comics. Was it a gimmick? Fuck yes, it was a gimmick. But it fucking worked. The sales of DC Comics in September 2011 didn't just dominate, they dominated the top ten sales spots for months. Suddenly, those "Superboy Prime" jokes turned into "Aquaman is outselling Uncanny X-men and Avengers. Your argument is invalid."

King of Atlantis. Dating a hot redhead. Founding member of the Justice League. Suck it, Wolverine!

There's no question that DC's reboot worked. While Marvel may have regained their market share lead, it's much more neck-and-neck now. The gap between the two companies is razor thin and DC's push for the future rather than trying to forcibly make shit fit into the past has set a new precedent for the comic industry. Lapsed DC fans no longer have to ask "Do I REALLY need to get all 700+ issues of Action Comics to know what the fuck is going on?" They can just find the new number ones and go from there. No more wondering how all this shit from the 60s and 70s fits into the picture. No more endless bitching about how Crisis and Infinite Crisis only left the DC Universe more constipated with complications. It worked so well that now some are starting to question whether Marvel should do the same and reboot their own 40+ line of continuity that has seen multiple deaths and resurrections, multiple alternate universe crossovers, and even a marriage or two getting sold to the devil. Hell, some would be okay with a Marvel 616 reboot if it completely erased the clone saga, but it's more complicated than that.

The prospects of a Marvel 616 continuity reboot is not just the kind of speculation fans throw around like whether or not She-Hulk gets a bikini wax or what kind of shit the Thing spews when he's got the runs. It's a whole fucking thread on the CBR message boards. Even though Marvel's top brass and future governor of Atlantis, Axel Alonso, has said outright that Marvel is not rebooting, that hasn't stopped some from arguing the merits of a Marvel 616 reboot.

Is it not worth it to get people to shut up about the Clone Saga?

But how seriously should Marvel even consider such a notion? Well, this is one instance where no matter how much liquor you put in me, I don't come off too strongly on either side. I know that may seem shocking to those who have seen me dedicate entire posts to explaining why Hope Summers sucks elephant balls or why Miles Morales is the least interesting idea since Mitt Romney's last campaign speech, but it's true. I'm really on the fences with this and while I'm content to see both factions pop an artery arguing about it while I slam back a bottle of vodka, I do see merit in both sides.

First off, let's start with Marvel's current position. They say the Marvel 616 universe isn't broken and doesn't need to be fixing. In this, I think they're right for the most part. The 616 universe has been pretty damn strong lately thanks to events that don't suck like the Messiah Trilogy, Captain America Reborn, Planet Hulk, and Spider Island. They dominate the market without having to streamline their continuity, proving that it doesn't matter how fucked up a timeline is so long as it has a steady stream of events that soaks the panties of the fanbase.

It hasn't been perfect. Fear Itself and Secret Invasion still left fans more unsatisfied than Ricky Martin's last girlfriend. However, the world that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby birthed from the cosmic womb of awesome remains compelling. The ongoing events of Avengers vs. X-men and the sales it has generated prove that. So when guys like Axel Alonso and Tom Brevoort thumb their noses at fans who want a reboot, they have good reason for doing so. Although when they thumb their noses at fans who want Jean Grey to come back, that's still a dick move.

Every dick move needs a scapegoat. But does it always have to have such a nice rack?

But even if the 616 universe isn't broke now, history has shown that it can turn to shit pretty damn quickly. Some of you may have smoked more weed than I have so you don't remember how boring and bland 616 was in the early 2000s. We had shit like the Chuck Austin run of Uncanny X-men and Decimation for Avengers that made the 616 universe look like it had basketball sized tumor on the underside of its balls. Hell, during this time Marvel actually contemplated making the pre-fucked up Ultimate universe the new continuity because at the time it was actually outselling 616 by a wide margin. Granted, Ultimate eventually tanked in a way that made the Battlefield Earth movie look like the fucking Godfather, but the mere fact that Marvel contemplated this shit shows that they're were willing to fuck up their timeline before DC ever did.

In the end, however, they didn't have to. It only really turned around once Civil War got things going again, but a lot of the shit generated in that story ended up coming full circle. Iron Man redeemed himself (by forgetting what a douche he had been no less), Captain America came back to life, and Thor came back. Now this is a problem whether Marvel wants to admit it or not. I get the desire to keep the Marvel universe a certain way so that fans that see the cartoons and movies can jump right in, but really does make the stories seem more gimmicky than they already are. It's like there's a asterisks at the bottom of all these events that say "This story will be retconned to death in a few years so don't start shitting through your nose over what you see."

It's enough to make me wonder how much emotional energy fans should invest in Avengers vs. X-men. As always, Marvel promises that the results of this event will rock the Marvel universe in the same way Emma Frost rocks a bed on Namor's birthday. That may be true in the short term, but what about the long term? How long until the X-men and Avengers are slamming back beers and watching Monday Night Football again? How long until the Phoenix Force is back to being that shitty cosmic turkey that Marvel uses when it wants to put beautiful women in cosmic uniforms or men into uniforms that blatantly rip-off Nightwing? It may be a long time, but it may still come full circle. Like Civil War, it could get people interested in the comics again, but only end up becoming trivialized in the long run.

When all else fails, just have heroes beat each other up and watch fans give you money.

This leads me to believe that reboot could not only work, but it could actually make the Marvel Universe less of a running joke on how continuity is basically a synonym for "fuck the details and just keep rebranding and relaunching." Imagine an event where every Marvel book had to start from scratch. For once, Marvel wouldn't need to act like a Russian contortionist porn star to fit the details into a timeline. The Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four, and all the elaborate backstories that have roots at a time when JFK was still banging Marilyn Monroe could finally be properly refined. The whole Phoenix concept could finally be streamlined to ditch all the shitty retcons. Clones like Ben Riley and Madelyne Pryor could finally be cast aside or reinvented in a way that makes them seem like something that a writer didn't pull out of their ass when they ran out of good ideas/weed. Entire new twists could be put on these classic characters. It once seemed like an outrageous notion, but DC proved that it can be done and done pretty fucking well. And if Marvel really considers themselves the House of Ideas, they have no excuse. That or everyone at Marvel has to admit to Dan Didio that he can do something that they can't. And you know the folks at DC would hold that against Marvel and probably use it as a marketing ploy. I can already see ads like "If you're a pussy, work at Marvel. If you have the balls to reboot your whole line and do it right, work for DC!" In this age of talking geckos, you can't say that shit wouldn't work.

The smile of a man whose mustache has bigger balls than all of Marvel.

But even if a reboot would open so many possibilities for Marvel and fix some of the lingering issues that have plagued 616 for decades, that doesn't mean they should to it. Marvel would still run the risk of fucking it up, alienating the fans that have dedicated years of their wasted youth following the Marvel universe. That and Marvel comics have never truly lagged when it comes to sales. For all it's flaws, 616 still has proven to be Marvel's bread and butter. Series like the Ultimate universe and 2099 may be nice toppings, but they can never be the meat of an awesome sandwich.

Now in the long run, I think Marvel is going to have to do some serious retcons to keep the continuity relevant and contemporary. And there's only so many retcons you can do before Father Time himself says "Fuck it, I'm outta here." Years down the line, Marvel may do their own reboot. For now, the creative minds at Marvel believe that what they're doing is working and the sales charts show they're not wrong. But as the Iraq war has shown, shit can go bad very quickly. One day guys like Axel Alonso and Joe Quesada might just get drunk enough to contemplate such an idea. If they do, they'll be hung over as fuck but they'll at least have an idea that has been shown to be successful. DC's New 52 has changed the nature of the comic industry and I would argue it was a necessary change. They decided to roll the dice and do something crazy without getting too drunk in the process. Marvel could definitely do the same, but should they? For the moment, I really don't know. I love 616 now and I would rather not see a reboot at a time when shit seems to be working. But at the same time, I've seen Marvel fuck things up before. If it happens again and I'm not able to cope with it despite my copious diet of illicit substances, then I may have to change my mind. Only time will tell, but for now it's an open question and one Marvel would be wise not to ignore. Nuff said!

Action Comics #1 - Action Packed Awesome

Nostalgia is overrated. I have no problem saying that and rubbing it in the faces of people who still use walk-mans and think the 80s were the greatest era of music in recorded history, going so far as to sport a mullet after they've become the official hairstyle of sex offenders. The past is nice and all, but sometimes you just gotta move forward. DC took that concept to heart, stepping on the hearts and ignoring the incessant whining that ensued when they said they were going to relaunch all their books. And not just the ones that were doing poorly on the sales charts. They did it for every book. That includes Action Comics, a series so old that my dad was still a sperm fragment in my grandfather's nutsack when the first issue came out. This is the actual comic that introduced Superman...you know, the most iconic superhero ever? Well over 60 years later, DC is turning the odometer back on this classic comic. They're not starting from scratch, but they are starting with Superman so they're still nostalgic for some shit. To that extent, it nostalgia doesn't suck quite as much.

So here's the deal. I reviewed Justice League #1. I enjoyed it. It wasn't a solid 5 out of 5 like you would want the first comic of a massive reboot to be, but it was serviceable. That was the big guns, but it's the little guns that often do the more targeted killing. That's why picking up Action Comics #1 was at the top of my to-do list just below a routine visit to a hooker and a liquor store. This comic isn't on the same scale as Justice League #1. In fact, it's not even in the same era. This comic takes place years before Justice League #1 when Superman is in his early twenties. He's not quite Mr. Red, White, and Blue yet. Hell, he still wears jeans when he's in his cape. He's not quite the finished product, but he's on his way. Much like Brett Favre's backup quarterbacks minus the sexting scandels.

Now that Smallville is off the air, there's a market for a story like this. If this is truly a reboot, then Superman as we know him had to have gotten to where he is now in a different manner. How different is it? How different can you make it and still have him be Superman? The guy tasked with telling this story is Grant Morrison, who can soak panties with his English accent and bald head. He's the kind of guy who enjoys telling stories of god like figures. This is the story of a god-like figure in training so he's got plenty to work with and plenty of reasons not to screw it up.

Action Comics #1 doesn't retell the same origins stories we've all heard a trillion times before. We know all about the doomed planet, the orphaned boy, the small town values, and the Marlon Brando voice overs. That doesn't change or at least that hasn't been revealed yet. This comic starts off with Superman doing what you would expect a young college kid who read too much Noam Chomsky to do. He uses his vast powers to terrify corrupt businessman. Fuck killer aliens. Fuck giant monsters. This young Superman swoops in, grabs rich old fucks, and holds him by his ankle over a roof while the police try not to piss themselves. Take that, Tea Party!

Unlike the Superman we know, he's not rubbing shoulders with the authorities. When you're threatening a rich white guy, cops tend to notice and they tend to point guns at you. For Superman, they might as well be throwing didoes at him. It doesn't mean shit. He's basically asking Mr. I-Love-Ayan-Rand to admit that he's a douche-bag that screws over poor people. He won't, so Superman takes him on an express ride to the surface that's sure to cure every kind of constipation known to man. This not only scares the shit out of the rich fuck. It gets him to confess that he's a dirty, corrupt politician. He's basically Mitt Romney's prison bitch. That's good enough for Superman. He doesn't tell the cops to arrest him. He just says that if he doesn't get his act together, then he'll come back for him. Beats the shit out of the Supreme Court, eh?

Now this is a pretty bold statement for the new Superman. This young, growing superhero is not on the level of kicking Darkseid's ass just yet. His ideals are still developing and right now they're at the same level as most college kids who pay way too much attention to their extreme liberal professors that think hippie communes are a great way to spend a summer. It's a very logical even if it's not very super kind of mindset for this up and coming Man of Steel. And it works in a way that only Apple engineers can masturbate to.

Even though the police have a much more pressing matter with an asshole politician just confessing to a crime, they still point their guns at Superman. So the police in Metropolis are about as efficient as Congress, ignoring the real problems and going after what's flashy. Now at this point Superman can't fly away. He can only jump over buildings. Now if that sounds a little lame, keep in mind that those were the powers Superman had way back in the day when he started off. That whole flight thing hasn't developed quite yet. A kid his age can't take on too much power. Otherwise it's just too easy for him to be an asshole to the rest of the real assholes. It's still more than enough power to outrun Metropolis's finest. Superman even has a little fun with it, treating it like a North Korean fitness exercise where he's running from guys with guns instead of just rabid pit bulls.

As you would expect in the real world when a superpowered being is making fools out of humble authority figures, the government takes notice. In particular, the assholes of the government find it necessary to unleash the shittiest parts of their ego. That's where General Lane, Lois Lane's father, and Lex Luthor, egocentric douce-bag extraordinaire, enter the picture. They've been tasked with apprehending Superman, presumably to see if his powers include magically winning elections. Luthor being Luthor, he's always jumps at a chance to stroke his ego. Plus, he gets to play with the government's credit card. Who wouldn't enjoy that?

Proving that the relaunch hasn't made him any less an asshole, Luthor lures Superman to an area full of innocent poor people that are in the process of being fucked over. An abandoned house that's scheduled for demolition gets a little pre-demolishing with a wrecking ball. As it just so happens (and Luthor makes it abundantly clear that he's aware of this), there are people inside that are likely to be crushed more than Tom Curise's Oscar chances. Superman being for the little guy at this point, does what he does best and helps get them to safety. However, rather than greet him with a metal, Luthor and the authorities greet him with a tank that doesn't even warn him when it fires on him. That's basically a metaphor for date rape and Lex Luthor.

Superman gets caught up in an electric net. It tingles a bit, but then he breaks it. Even if it doesn't even scratch him, he's a young guy. He gets pissed off when his cell phone gets no service. So he naturally does what any of us would do. He takes the wrecking ball and uses it to beat the shit out of the tank. It's a hell of a lot more effective than a hunger strike by your typical hippie. Then when they start firing back again, the people that Superman just saved come to his aid. It's a nice way to show that not everybody in this new DC world is an asshole. If you save the lives of a bunch of poor people, they'll return the favor. It's a beautiful think that shows that while Superman may be a headache for powerful white men, he's still a man of the people.

So with help from the people, Superman escapes. Somewhere out there Glenn Beck is crying over how communism is infiltrating our comic books, but for every tear he sheds a nerd loses his virginity to a supermodel so I think that's worth it. Upon escaping, Superman returns to his normal life as Clark Kent. But it's not that of a mild-mannered reporter. Remember, he's still a young guy. He's basically the equivalent of a starving college student. He doesn't use a phone booth to change. He just grabs some clothes from a laundry wire, assuming they're clean, and slips back into anonymity. It's to be expected, but it still works.

We then get a brief taste of how Clark Kent lives. He's very much a student, living a meager existence with an old land lord that isn't quite as big an asshole as most landlords. She's nice to Clark, treating him like the kind of kid she's trying to hook her grand-daughter up with. But she still bitches about the rent. Clark being the good guy that he is pays it and doesn't make excuses about staying in a strip club longer than he should have. He's got humility, but he gets along with people and he's not as clumsy.

You can argue that this Clark isn't terribly different from his predecessor. You could also argue that he's not too similar either. This is more an everyman who avoids being a dick for all the right reasons. He's not like Peter Parker or Batman or other big name heroes that make excuses for or in spite of their lifestyle. Superman seems comfortable with his world. Now we don't know how he got here or what's different about his life in this new DC universe. It's not even hinted at. That can be a little annoying, but it still works.

Now enter Lois Lane and Jimmy Olson. You can't have a Superman story without those two. That would be like having rap music without the weed. In this world Superman isn't working with Jimmy and Lois. He's actually working for a rival newspaper. Jimmy just happens to be Clark's friend. Lois wants nothing to do with him. So it's basically your standard pretty-girl-ignores-the-hero type deal. It's basically square one for Superman and some who were fans of the Superman/Lois marriage may not like that. Given how long it took for them to get together last time, my pubic hair will have turned gray before they come around this time.

But Jimmy and Lois's story is linked to Superman's story. Remember that rich fuck that Superman put the fear of God in? Well they're also trying to expose his bullshit and they're doing it without holding him over a rooftop. They're following a guy named Gus Glenmorgan, who was said rich fuck's enforcer. Like your typical college students with no regard for their lives, they try to go after him. And this is after Clark told Jimmy they shouldn't get on any trains because of his own little investigations surrounding the rich fuck. But low and behold, Lois doesn't listen. And you wonder why she constantly needs rescuing? They almost deserve to have the train go out of control as a result of sabotaged. Hell, in the DC universe, a train gets sabotaged ever other Tuesday it seems.

Lois and Jimmy try to confront Gus. When Clark hears that they completely ignored his advice and got on the train, he springs into action. It turns into a double does of "you're fucked" for Lois and Jimmy. When they confront Gus, he pulls two guns on them. If that weren't enough, the train goes out of control. Now this isn't the locomotive that Superman has constantly been compared to in terms of power. This is a fucking bullet train, meaning it's faster and stronger than those steam powered pieces of shit from the 1800s. So it's a bit tougher to stop and by a bit I mean even Superman has problems with it.

What follows next is your standard pants-shitting danger that Lois Lane will come to get used to throughout the DC universe. That's another bit that will never change no matter what universe DC is in. As the train goes out of control, it jumps the tracks and enters the streets. In the process Gus, Jimmy, Lois, and everyone else with loose bowels has to hold on for dear life as they crash through Metropolis like a Motley Crue reunion tour. It's a nice spectacle that shows Superman being Superman, regardless of how hippie-like Grant Morrison has made him.

Now wait a minute. How did that train go out of control anyways? Was it that rich fuck? Would he really be that stupid to crash a train after he just had Superman scare the shit out of him? Well rich white men in DC aren't quite that stupid. Lex Luthor on the other hand? Well his balls are almost the size of his ego. Despite putting General Lane's daughter in danger, he's perfectly fine with endangering hundreds of people. Sure, the General is pissed at him. But he could care less because it did just what they wanted him to do. It subdued Superman. Thus, the first issue of Action Comics ends with Superman being knocked out by a fucking train. That's growing pains for you!

Going back to what I said about nostalgia earlier, it's like crack. It's easy to overdose on. This comic could have been one big flashback issue. It could have been like me after one too much Bahama Mamas and just puke out old crap that has already been digested. But it wasn't. There wasn't a single flashback. There were only a few fleeting mentions of the past. Everything was very forward-focused. We start with this young, immature, hippie Superman and Grant Morrison rolls with it! This is a guy who isn't inspiring the law, but he is inspiring the little guy. It's the kind of story that wasn't told in Smallville, nor was it told in the countless origin stories in great depth. It's an untapped well of awesome that works beautifully even if it's a little thin in some areas.

The fact that it's so forward thinking is also somewhat of a shortcoming. So much of this new Superman is just imposed without context. Grant Morrison just plops him in Metropolis, has him scare the piss out of the establishment, gets some hippies to jerk each other off, and has Lex Luthor take it from there. It's a complete story with plenty of details in the middle, but not enough details in between. We don't know the circumstances of Clark's life in Metropolis. We don't know much about what makes him tick at this point besides watching too much of the Daily Show. There are a lot of blanks that weren't filled or even hinted at. This being the first issue, there's plenty of time to do so. However, it leaves the first issue feeling somewhat incomplete.

Never-the-less, this comic succeeds in more ways than Justice League #1. It's a more thorough and refined story. It stays within it's scope and does all the little things well. Everything feels coherent. Superman feels like a young Superman ought to feel. Same with Lois and Jimmy. Their characterization and dialog is spot on. There's plenty of variation to ensure that this story feels new and fresh. If it had a little more context, it would be perfect. For now, it's the next best thing! I give Action Comics #1 a 4.5 out of 5. It took over 900 issues, but this series was finally rebooted. Now after the first issue, it has a long ways to go. But even if you're not keen on following the next 900, it inspires you enough to pick up Action Comics #2. Nuff said!

Justice League #1 - Rebooting Awesome

There comes a time in every drunk's life when he wakes up from a black out, his pants are around his ankles, there's some ugly tranny hooker in his bed, and there's some greenish brown stain on his shirt with a smell that can't quite be identified. Now aside from needing another dose of antibiotics for my ass (again), that new clarity is a refreshing feeling. That is after I finish puking. It's a clarity I liken to a reboot. It's not clean. It's not pleasant. It can get pretty damn ugly at times and you end up with scabs on your ass that take months to heal. But you know what? It can be worth it.

I've been talking about the DC reboot with my typical drunken ramblings for some time now. I've had mixed feelings about it, but unlike my failed AA meetings I've vowed to give this a chance. I haven't been an ardent follower of DC comics for a long time. In fact, it wasn't until Blackest Night that I started getting interested again. But even then, the DCU was harder to follow than the plot of the last two Matrix movies and that was without Keanu Reeves's shitty acting. There were gems like Superman, Brightest Day, and Batman Beyond. However, those gems were mixed with mixed with a lot of other clutter that could be a great subject for another episode of hoarders.

Enter Flashpoint. This is DC betting the house, their underwear, and their grandmother's pension on a complete revamp of all their books. This isn't your typical aftermath shit that every event has done since the original Crisis back in the 80s. This a new ball game with a new umpire, a new set of rules, and a whole new arsenal of dicks to fuck with readers. But at the same time it's new, it's fresh, it's different, and it's modernized. How it happened is fucked up. Basically, Flash pulled something that was only slightly lamer than the fucking continuity punch by Superboy. He merged with the speed force and kind of shattered history. And by kinda I mean he fucking date raped it so now we're starting over from square one. I could go on any number of rants about how that was handled, but I would need more booze than a Led Zeppline tour bus. So I'll spare my liver the torment and skip right to the relaunch.

It begins with Justice League #1. This is the book where it starts. It has Geoff Johns and Jim Lee at the helm, which is the equivalent of putting Shakespeare and Michelangelo on the same project. It's as all in you can be with your pants still on. We begin with a new world that really doesn't know superheroes. It's stated outright in the first few words that the events of this arc take place 5 years in the past. So this is how the Justice League came together. It's basically like Batman Begins without having to go through Batman and Robin. Fittingly enough, it involves Batman getting shot at. Remember, no Justice League so when a guy in a cape is running through a city like Gotham the standard protocol for the police is to shoot first and make excuses later. So they're basically the modern day DEA.

Now Batman isn't just outrunning the helicopters for the exercise, although knowing him he probably could. The reason for the bullet shower is a mysterious monster in a cloak that looks like a hooker that just left Charlie Sheen's house. Batman caught him stirring up shit in his city and that's all you need to get on Batman's shit list. So despite a helicopter shooting at him, he still chases the creature. If I was the creature, I'd be shitting my pants. There's some great action moments here. Jim Lee's art really shines and it's a very detailed, very vivid scene. It's like walking in on a cat fight with two hot women already having stripped each other down to their underwear. It's a beautiful thing.

This rooftop chase gets ugly quickly as shit starts going boom. The creature, not unlike a drunk Mel Gibson, gets pretty volatile and is ready to go on an anti-Semitic rant that would earn him a marriage proposal from Iran. It's not the kind of shit that Batman deals with. Then he gets help in the form of a glowing green fire truck. No he doesn't ingest a shitload of magic mushrooms. Everybody knows you only see yellow fire trucks on those. These come courtesy of the Green Lantern. Apparently, a rooftop brawl with a monster looking ready to explode is hard to ignore. So he deals with it in a way only slightly less subtle than waving your dick in the face of the President.

Now despite having his ass saved, Batman is pretty pissed. He doesn't much care for Green Lantern's approach of using giant glowing green projections and not because it's more tacky than a light show at Disney World. Remember those helicopters that were chasing him earlier? Well when they see glowing green shit, they have even more reason to shoot and probably quit drinking. Green Lantern, being the self-confident son-of-a-bitch he is at this point, doesn't break a sweat in blocking their attack. But Batman is still pissed. Then again, he's pissed most of the time anyways so I don't see why it matters.

This scene also highlights an important element of the story. Batman and Green Lantern operate on completely different wavelengths. Batman works within the shadows using stealth and cunning. Green Lantern dresses like a walking traffic signal that can be seen from space. One uses wits. The other uses firepower and smugness. In other words, they're not superfriends. They're heroes, but they get on each others' nerves. In other words, welcome to the new DC people! Where superheroes annoy each other and somehow make it look awesome!

Now annoying each other has another effect. Remember that monster that Batman was facing? Well they apparently weren't annoying it enough because it got up from Green Lantern's little firetruck stunt. Then it turned it's sights on the helicopters, which in the monster's defense were still shooting. So it does what any monster would logically do. It shoots back and the helicopters really don't stand a chance. This being DC, Green Lantern doesn't let them become street pizza. He and Batman stop annoying each other and decide to go after the creature.

As they go after it, they have a more formal introduction. And by formal I mean they look at one another the same way they would look at a hobo beating off in the middle of a street. Batman is clearly trying not to scoff when Green Lantern tells him he's a space cop and that the creature he was chasing was part of an extraterrestrial incursion. Batman doesn't give a damn about that. The creature was still in his city so ET can go screw himself. If that weren't annoying enough, Green Lantern finds it hard to believe that Batman has no superpowers. He's just a guy in a costume. It's a great moment and one of the most memorable of the issue.

Now this is somewhat taboo in DC, pointing out that Batman has no powers. It's like being in an all-girls school, but you know that one girl that is clearly a boy that nobody talks about. It's just easier to ignore it and pretend it isn't an issue. It's a subtle yet fitting way to show that this is a true relaunch. This kind of shit won't be ignored this time and why not? It's the 21st century. We're not as politically correct as we used to be. Thanks a lot Fox News!

Again, the bickering seems to distract that they're chasing an alien. Using the same gags twice in one issue? That's enough to make it seem old already. But again, they drop the macho shit and go after the creature. Again, shit starts blowing up. This time it does so with a message. That message reveals who the big bad guy is that brought the Justice League together in the first place. It's Darkseid. To them, it's sounds like a bad punk band from New Jersey. To DC Comics, it's the heavyweight of bad guys. If you're going to come out with a big opening story, why not bring a juiced up Barry Bonds to the plate? DC wants to swing for the fences, substance abuse regulations be damned!

More reused gimmicks enter the picture. Seriously, it's like they're copying and pasting. Green Lantern's ring saves them again by shielding them from the blast. The creature is gone, but some creepy alien gizmo is left behind. Batman and Green Lantern look at it the same way kids today look at a Walkman made in the 80s. They determine that it's an alien computer. They immediately link it with the only other alien that is well known to them, which happens to be Superman. To DC fans it sounds stupid, connecting an alien monster to Mr. Truth, Justice, and Sarah Palin's masturbatory fantasies. But again, this is a new DC. They don't know each other and they don't know Superman. For all they know Superman is a threat. So instead of going after Darkseid, they go after Superman. It's about as efficient as it sounds.

As they being their search for Superman, we're introduced to a Vic Stone. For all you non DC folk, that's Cyborg but since this is 5 years ago he's not a Cyborg. He's just your typical star high school athlete that's so good and so popular that he has USC and Ohio State throwing illegal benefits at him and cheerleaders throwing pussy at him in all directions. It's a bit unnecessary. It comes off as filler. It seems like a lousy way to introduce a character, but there is some effort to tie Vic into the story. His dad appears to work with superhero folk or at least guys with too much power for the government to tax. But still, it comes off as filler.

Now this scene does make the book drag somewhat. This being Justice League, there isn't that large scale that you would expect of a book like this. Even though it's an introduction arc, it feels like Geoff Johns and Jim Lee are taking their sweet time getting to the juicy bits. I'm glad they're being detailed and all, but for fans too ADD to appreciate those details it may feel like it's dragging ab it.

After Vic is done being distracted from being a star athlete with all the poon he could ever want, Green Lantern and Superman arrive in Metropolis aboard Green Lantern's glowing green jet. No, it's not an acid trip. That's actually how he travels. It's like riding in a pink pinto with a flashing billboard of Natlie Portman riding a bull naked on the back. It's the kind of shit that attracts attention and Batman reminds him (again) that it's a bad idea. But Green Lantern keeps playing the part of arrogant asshole and he plays it well, most likely a secret homage to Ryan Reynolds. And like Ryan Reynolds, readers want to punch him in the balls at this point.

Unfortunately for them, he's beaten to it by a familiar face. That would be Superman who with all his powers is more than capable of noticing a big ass green jet flying over his city. Now will Green Lantern admit that Batman was right? Probably not, but he has to stop shitting himself first because Superman has shown up and he makes sure Green Lantern's balls are sufficiently shriveled before he's an asshole again. It's a great moment and a great scene with Superman showing the kind of poise and ballisness that makes him history's most recognizable superhero.

Say what you will about all the shit between the beginning and the end. This whole comic is worth picking up just for that final page. These guys aren't the Superfriends yet. They don't know that they need to work together to stop an asshole like Darkseid yet. They're like a bunch of free agent athletes with over-bloated egos that were brought in on one team and can't get along. In other words they're like the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys combined. You don't know how they're going to come together in the end. You just know that it's going to make for some awesome moments.

There's a lot to hope for in terms of the future for this comic. However, focusing on the present, the hype surrounding this book was just impossible to live up to. Geoff Johns and Jim Lee did something smart. They didn't rush the story. They didn't try to squeeze every character into one issue. They started by establishing the comic and introducing a few characters. These characters just happen to be very different from one another and get along about as well as Michelle Bachmann gets along with gay voters. It makes for a great exchange, but it doesn't make for an overall great story. It seems long-winded and tedious. Now it's great how they're taking it slow, but when a comic like this is overhyped it just comes off as underwhelming. I get it. It's hard NOT to make a big deal out of a comic like this, but setting the bar that high does cause problems that even the brilliance of Geoff Johns and Jim Lee can't solve.

This is still a worthy comic to relaunch a series. It could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse. It works. It leaves readers with the feeling that the best is just ahead. It succeeds in making the reader want to pick up the next issue, which for DC is really all they want. They got kids to feed and hookers to fuck. They need our money and with books like this, I'm more than happy to give it to them! That's why I give Justice League #1 a 4 out of 5. There's room for improvement and I'm confident that Johns and Lee can become the new Burt and Ernie of DC comics minus the gay innuendos. Nuff said!

BREAKING COMIC NEWS: Marvel Relaunching Uncanny X-men (Not a joke)!

No, I'm not drunk. No, I'm not high (too much). This is a real news story that broke on Yahoo this morning. Marvel has announced that this October, Uncanny X-men will end at #544 and be relaunched. This comes just weeks after DC announced that it's relaunching it's entire line with 52 number ones. Now I'm a little rusty on my 12th grade calculus, but 52 against 1 sounds like Marvel is being a bit underhanded. That or they're just hoping to cash in on the whole relaunch fever bit. Whatever the case, it comes off as more of a gimmick than an initiative.

Yahoo News: Marvel's Uncanny X-men Ending in October

Now this isn't coming out of nowhere so it may not be a total gimmick. I've already written about the upcoming Schism event with Marvel. Well that's what prompts this whole relaunch in the first place. Apparently, the divide between Wolverine and Cyclops is so severe that it warrants ending one of the longest running Marvel titles in history. Uncanny X-men started back in 1963 when my parents were barely old enough to shit in toilets. Now they're retooling it like they did the adjectiveless X-men title last year (which quickly fell into mediocrity after the Curse of the Mutants arc). I'm not sure what to make of this. I'll need to get plastered to wrap my brain around it. But here's a snippet of what Nick Lowe said.

"In the last five years or so, the X-Men have been exploring a different angle. A catastrophe reduced the population to a couple of hundred mutants, and no new ones are being born," he said. "This fledgling species was looking at extinction - and the militarized forces of prejudice moved in for the kill."

Cyclops united the remaining Mutants, doing what neither Magneto nor Xavier, aka Professor X, was able to do.

"Everyone has basically gone along with Cyclops, no matter what reservations they had," he added, but now, those reservations are reaching the breaking point, which is the focus of "Schism" and sounding the death knell of the Uncanny X-Men.