X-Campus #4 - Awesome That's Over Too Soon

So when I first offered my review to the limited X-Campus series I admit I wasn't expecting much. Whenever Marvel churns out these gimmicky minis they're about as hit or miss as a Stevie Wonder at an archery tournament. Most are going to miss and kill a few innocent civilians in the process. But every so often one does hit the target. When I first saw X-Campus it looked too cartoony and too out-there to be anything more than a nice way to kill 12 minutes in between Skinemax marathons. Some have called it a cheap European import, sort of like Mili Vanilli except instead of lip syncing he's ripping off X-men Evolution. However, this is one of those books that takes a premise any half-brained idiot with low quality pot can come up with and makes it awesome. I didn't expect to like the first issue as much as I did. I expected even less to like the second issue. Now I'm all the way at the end and I can safely say that X-Campus has been a rare hit of awesome from the overused bong that is Marvel minis.

The last issue was really what prompted me to review X-Campus #4. The last issue continued the story that began with the first two issues while throwing in a hell of a twist at the end. That twist involved a revelation that Professor Jean Grey (who for the first two issues was more her older, mature, MILF movie version) was actually only a professor of jail bait. She was actually a teenage girl like the rest of the X-characters, who just happened to be parading around as an adult with the help of Professor Xavier. A twist like that is harder to top than Sarah Palin's shopping receipts. But that revelation helped set the stage for this issue because it put the X-men (bearing in mind they're not officially the X-men yet and just a bunch of teenage mutants) in position to uncover some secrets that have been brewing at the Worthington Foundation. Those secrets involve killer robots and mutant domination plots. In other words, it's a standard representation of 80 percent of all Marvel comic book plots. The key for X-Campus #4 is keeping it interesting.

It starts with the subtle approach, taking some of the proto X-men and having them patrol the campus on the look out for the sentinels. Except these aren't those lame, over-sized purple sentinels with a color scheme that would make a gay fashion designer faint. These are are a bit more practical and terrifying, taking on the shape of bugs and creepy crawler knock-offs that test their skills by harassing students that stay out too late. It seems a little underhanded until you take into account it's the perfect way to test these systems covertly because any student out that late at night is either drunk or stoned and would chalk the sighting up to mixing too much tequila with vodka.

These tiny incarnations of the sentinels act as sort of a pre-cursor to the greater plot that's been unfolding with the X-Campus students for the past few issues. These sentinels aren't exactly being built in factories. They're more the Braniac version of the sentinels in the sense that they inject nanomachines into regular humans (college students) and turn them into machine-like drones. In other words, they become part cyborg and part zombie. It takes one awesome concept and mixes it with another to make a new kind of awesome. It's simple, but damn it if it doesn't work nicely. It's a hell of a lot more efficient than building giant humanoids, that's for sure. It leads me to believe that Bolivar Trask in this universe is Japanese.

They pay Professor Magnus (Magneto) a visit to let him know they're onto his little side-projects. He reacts with about as much enthusiasm as Christopher Walken on Botox. He doesn't pick a fight with the X-men just yet. He essentially leaves them to ponder and worry as teenagers are so adept at doing with or without mutant powers. While they keep searching for answers on this techno-zombie hoard menace, they get a visit from someone else who has been habitually fucking with them since the beginning of this series. That's Emma Frost. She's still the preppy bitch in X-Campus (which alone makes her more true to her character than the 616 version at the moment) and she has the audacity to call out Jean Grey, the girl whose cover she blew so that she can't get into a bar anymore or a male strip club.

However, she's not up to her usual trick this time. She's actually trying to be somewhat of a help, which would make her seem somewhat less bitchy even if she's still in another zip code of Matt Fraction's Emma. She reveals that someone else has been developing this sentinel techno-zombie technology. Someone who isn't Magneto and isn't satisfied with Nazi style domination. She acts as a mediator between them and Magnus. It's like the Rebels and the Empire coming together to stop Jabba the Hut. Needless to say, that's a tough sell.

 

So Xavier still agrees to meet with Magnus. He brings Mesmero and Mystique with him. It has a very Bloods vs. Crips atmosphere to it and nobody is too thrilled to be working with each other. But they seem to agree that they would rather not fight a hoard of techno-zombies. These are still teenage X-men and Brotherhood. They're a few years away from that so they have to be pussies to some extent and find a way to stop it. That means breaking into the labs and putting a stop to the Cyberno research that has been developing for the past few issues.

Colossus and Nightcrawler are already a step ahead of the game and enter the lab. They're tasked with pulling the plug on Cyberno. It should be as easy as tripping over it in the dark and blaming poor lighting or inconsiderate roommates. But it's a plan that goes bad faster than a sub-prime mortgage from Bernie Madoff. Cyberno is a high tech piece of equipment. Like Skynet in Terminator, it's going to have defenses and these don't consist of a bunch of naked Arnold Schwarzeneggers.

Mystique and Mesmero soon show up to make good on this whole partnership deal. That's when a not-so-surprising revelation is dropped. Mystique reveals that Nightcrawler is her son. That's about as surprising as the Yankees making the playoffs, but there's another twist thrown into the mix. Remember Bolivar Trask? The other asshole behind the sentinels that was screwing Magneto over? Well he's there, but he's not exactly human anymore. He's pulled the old brain-in-a-jar stunt and actually become Cyberno. I know some people get caught up in their work, but I'm still a long ways away from linking my brain to my X-men Supreme website (not this year anyways).

Not content with just making himself a machine, Trask has done what the entire Department of Education has only dreamed of doing and turned each student within the school into a mindless machine. So instead of giant killer robots, the X-men have to fight their friends and classmates as zombie cyborgs. As much as I love killer robots and all, zombie cyborgs just looks and feels a lot cooler while throwing in that reservation and uncertainty that puts superheroes in such awkward positions. Yet it still makes for some kick ass action scenes that the Resident Evil movies haven't been able to capture despite four lackluster attempts.

The fighting isn't put on an epic scale that you would see in a Michael Bay movie, but what it lacks in mindless explosions it makes up for in the human element. You still get classic moments like Storm making Mother Nature her bitch to fight some zombie sentinels, but you also get the whole conflicted battle mentality. It's not simply a matter of blowing the obstacle up. You've gotta work around the people behind the crazy asshole looking to channel his inner Pol Pot. That helps make up for the lack of scale and ends the first half of the issue with Trask making his typical anti-mutant speech. Even though it sounds like he's reading it off a teleprompter, the fact that he's turning teenagers into zombie cyborgs helps add a bit more punch.

Now like every issue of X-Campus thus far, this issue is double sized with two issues being packed into one. For the first three issues, this usually meant two separate stories that didn't always link up. This one is different. This one is double sized, but the story is essentially a two-part arc. Except you don't have to wait a whole fucking month or two weeks to see it. Given that most fans now a days have the attention span of a flea on crystal meth, that's like being cast in a dick sucking contest for Sweedish supermodels. This issue doesn't miss a beat. As soon as the second part of the story begins, it's quick and seamless. Like the previously mentioned dick-sucking contest it continues as if it never stopped.

Trask's zombie cyborgs have both sides on the ropes. Then Nightcrawler is the one that steps it up, channeling his inner John Conner and teleporting him and Colossus out of the lab. He makes it a point to promise his mother, Mystique, that he would come back for her. Now this is somewhat strange because it's not clear if Nightcrawler knew beforehand that Mystique was his mother or if there was some sort of reaction. It's one of those little things that's overlooked, but when there are zombie cyborgs attacking it's understandable that such revelations would fall to the wayside.

Nightcrawler and Colossus's presence offer some much needed back up to the rest of the X-men. They start turning the tide with Rogue and Colossus acting as the heavy hitters along with Blob while Wolverine shows he's just as deadly as a punk teenager as he is a miserable asshole drunk adult. Even Warren, who has been keeping his wings concealed to this point makes a contribution. He rescues Nightcrawler so he can get in the action as well. He doesn't do much fighting. Wings aren't very useful as weapons, but at least he does something. His name is still on the school building so he can't feel too bad.

Once the tide turns, the zombie cyborgs of Trask's sentinel army retreat back into the school. Rather than follow them, Magnus uses this opportunity to become a total asshole again and break the truce. His solution is simple. Use his powers to basically level the school, destroying Cyberno and killing everyone inside it including the unwitting students whose only crime was not having a mutant power with which to defeat killer robots. This is definitely the Magneto we know and love, not the pussy who basically goes along with Cyclops now in 616. It doesn't even bother him that Mystique is still inside. He even hits Nightcrawler when he tries to stop him. That alone makes him the epic douche bag he's supposed to be and sets up for the long expected clash between the X-men and the Brotherhood. For old school X-men fans, this is like your favorite stripper offering you a free lap dance.

Unfortunately, that fight doesn't happen. Cooler heads do prevail. Xavier convinces him to avoid the whole mass killing part of his plan, instead opting for an electromagnetic blast that shorts out all the zombie cyborgs. It's like that favorite stripper I mentioned earlier suddenly asking for 100 bucks. I know many would have preferred an X-men vs. Brotherhood fight, but that would leave too little room with which to fight Cyberno. Since the book is running out of ink, they have to go with the indirect approach.

While this makes getting to Cyberno a lot easier, it also gives Magnus time to go over his whole "mutants are superior" shit and "we should join forces and take over the world" crap. Now for most teenagers who already think they rule the world, that's sort of a redundant speech to make. But it doesn't stop Magnus from being like Brett Favre and Ben Rothlesburger are to women and not take no for an answer. Before they can even get to Cyberno, he turns on the X-men. So it appears we'll get the classic X-men vs. Magneto fight after all, meaning that stripper bumped the price of that lap dance to a discount.

Here's where another twist enters the fray. Magnus tears into the X-men with his powers, going all out with his powers to take them down. And for a moment it looks like he wins. The X-men hardly put up a fight. However, that's not exactly what happens. You see, Magnus only thinks he's beating down on the X-men the same way Ike Turner beat down on Tina. In reality, Professor Xavier jacked his mind before he got past the "Let's take over the world" speech. He essentially did the dirty work and before he can screw Xavier over, he gets the better of him. It's not a Lost style mind-bending twist, but it's still damn good way to win a fight and it shows that Xavier can be pretty damn cunning for a guy in a wheelchair. In that sense he's like Stephen Hawkings if he could do kung fu.

This leaves the X-men free to journey into the lab and take down Cyberno. With no zombie cyborgs protecting him, Trask has to face fend for himself. He's surprisingly prepared because it looks like he saw War of the Worlds (the non-Tom Cruise version) and ensures his brain is in fighting condition via a Doctor Octopus spider monster. It's not a terribly original, but it's pretty damn effective. The man made a bunch of teenagers his zombie cyborg minions. He deserves somewhat of a pass for making a brain powered robot that looks like a knock-off of no fewer than 29 B-rated sci fi movies.

There is some heart thrust into this seemingly bland robot fight. Trask still has Mystique in his clutches and uses her the same way the Taliban uses their women, as cannon fodder and human shields. Trask does his typical boasting, but that doesn't stop the X-men from attacking. Nightcrawler isn't there to hold them back so Rogue makes the move to attack Trask's little brain bot, which frees Mystique but not in a very gentle way.

It's bad for Mystique, but bad for Trask as well. There's one last touching moment for Mystique, who passes on her memories to Rogue now that she's absorbed her. She becomes quite possibly the least spiteful Mystique in X-men and she goes out in a way that's somewhat heroic. Rogue, who may have been overly brash in attacking, has the sense to take on Mystique's form when she finishes the job against Trask. With help from the rest of the X-men, they make quick work of Trask. Again, it's not a terribly epic fight. This series has not really been keen on making the kind of epic fights that X-men are supposed to have. These are teenage versions of the X-men and they're not wearing uniforms so you wouldn't exactly expect it that way. It still seems unrefined, but satisfying none-the-less. It's like watching a firecracker blow up an aunt hill. Napalm would have been more awesome, but a firecracker still gets the job done.

So Trask is defeated. The X-men are triumphant. There are some casualties and some damage to the school that will make the insurance companies shit their pants. It's basically par for the course for the X-men. There's a nice moment with Rogue and Kurt as Rogue explains why Mystique got involved with Magnus and Trask. In the end she still loved him. She only helped Trask because she wanted to find her son. She did, but in the end Trask still fucked her up and Rogue managed to obtain all the memories with which he can share with him now. So it's a nice touch of emotion to go along with the triumph. It's like a gram of coke atop a bag of weed. It adds an extra touch to an already great experience.

Now that the killer brain is gone and Magnus has taken a 'leave of absence' as it were, the X-men of the X-Campus start anew. Xavier becomes the new director of the Worthington Foundation, the zombie cyborgs are cured of their condition and have no memory of their zombie badassery (which most will probably chalked up to some bad shrooms), and the X-men are now their own social click within a school. In a world where the difference between school being an ass-raping prison and a quality experience for growing teenage minds is simply having a click, it's as fitting an ending as anyone could hope for. It's actually a happy ending, something few comic books have had since the 1960s. There may be a few douche-bags out there who think a happy ending outside an Asian massage parlor is lame, but some people actually like finishing a comic book with a smile. There's actually something charming about a book that ends on a high note. Since X-Campus is a limited series, a happy ending means it can end without any loose ends. At a time when no comic company can resist leaving shit open for a sequel, this is like a unicorn fucking an elf. It's such a joy to see (in a non-bestiality way of course).

So that's it! X-Campus is over. The little mini that could has finished and in only four short (but double sized) issues, it has told a story about an entirely alternate X-men universe that is compelling, charming, and enjoyable. You get the sense that if X-men Evolution wasn't a cartoon, this is the secondary form it would take. The idea of the X-men being teenagers in a school is not new, but it's still a good idea and X-Campus does it as well as X-fans could possibly hope.

Now as I've already pointed out, this series is lacking in a few areas. There aren't the epic battles that one would associate with the X-men. Even X-men Evolution had a bigger scale than this. Hell, they had episodes with giant robots fighting mutants in the middle of downtown Manhattan. This series took place almost entirely on a school campus and was largely contained. So there isn't much of an awe factor. And because there were only four issues, the characters really didn't get much of a chance to develop. Aside from Rogue and Nightcrawler, there wasn't much of a personal touch. There wasn't even any romance or love triangles. If this series were longer there would have been plenty of time to develop it. Sadly, X-Campus was limited by it's scope.

Even so, this series has been a real treat and right in time for Halloween no less! X-Campus #4 is the perfect ending to a perfect little mini that really stands out among a vast sea of X-books that don't offer a viable alternative to the current status quo. With X-men Forever sucking more with each issue and Ultimate X-men utterly destroyed, X-Campus outshines them all with it's awesomeness. So for this final issue I give X-Campus a much deserved 5 out of 5. If you're an X-fan and looking for something different, this is your book! Marvel doesn't come out with shit like this often so enjoy it! Nuff said.

X-Campus #3 - Twists of Awesome

I know there are some big name books coming out this week. There's X-Force" Sex and Violence and X-men #3 (the new one and not the Claremont/Byrne one), two books who by most measures are more pressing on the minds of X-men fans other than trivial things like food, water, and air. You know, shit that's overrated. However, in addition to those titles which I'm sure are awesome in their own right, the X-Campus series released the third part in it's limited four issue series. Now I've reviewed the previous two issues and given them high marks. This series has done more than simply tempt fans into forking over more of their hard earned money. It's flown under the radar in terms of quality and novelty. It's taken the concept of X-men Evolution and given it a new twist with some European style (it doesn't involve as much tits as we've come to expect from across the pond, but still with pretty decent awesome). It hasn't just told the story of teenage X-men. It's presented a viable and engaging alternative that shows the X-men coming together along with the Brotherhood in a way that's nicely done and well-developed. It could very well be it's own cartoon series and hopefully one that won't get fucking canceled after only 26 episodes (if that was too subtle, fuck the assholes who canceled Wolverine and the X-men!).

Since this series is a mini, it's been somewhat limited. However, the quality comes in the package. Each book isn't just one issue technically. It comprises of two issues, which offers more story and more bang for the buck. This style has been like icing on top of the line of cocaine on a strippers ass. It's like a bonus, but this bonus feeds into the stories. Each story moves the premise of the series further. It started with a teenage version of Rogue being recruited to the Worthington Academy. It is here were teenage versions of the X-men (minus an adult Jean Grey) attend class like regular students who just happened to have superpowers beyond what raging teenage hormones give them. From this story Charles Xavier and a rival professor named Magnus (Magneto for all those not up to speed on the many codenames X-men has thrown around) have been quietly assembling a team of mutants to train. Xavier has more peaceful purposes in mind while Magnus has been quietly working on some dirty laundry that doesn't involve getting the hooker stench out of underwear. They've been building their forces for the last two issues and the third issue continues that story while setting the stage for a much bigger confrontation.

In the previous issue it was Nightcrawler who was the target. I suppose each team needs a mascot and Nightcrawler always has been his own spectacle. This time they're looking for more strength than style. So they look up a young yet still badass version of Colossus. Here he's much like his Ultimate version (although it's not clear if he's gay just yet). His name is Peter Rasputin and he's a super-strong if not mild mannered badass who works for some enterprising Russian gangsters. He doesn't come off as the mean Tony Soprano type gangster, but since gangster is still the most lucrative job in Russia it's right up his alley and he uses his powers well. Probably too well for that matter because Blob and Toad are staking him out like he's the window into a girl's locker room at a supermodel agency. It's not quite as perverted as one may expect, but remember these are teenagers. Everything they do has some levels of perversion in it.

The next scene isn't quite as ominous. In every issue of X-Campus thus far it details some levels of teenage slapstick that one would find in pretty much every teen movie ever made. Only this one has mutants involved. It shows some of the X-men in gym class (which for some will bring back horrible memories of rope burns and wedgies) and a couple of typical teenage douche-bags messing with Rogue. It's not as creative as the douche-bags in my old school. All they do is throw a basketball at her butt. As a guy who witnessed pants being pulled down, tampons being used as weapons of mass humiliation, and porn being shoved in less than appropriate areas it's very underwhelming. But it gives Rogue a chance to remind readers that in the last issue she tangoed with the X-Campus version of Juggernaut and got a touch of strength in the process. It puts her in a position to show up the arrogant pricks messing with her and should bring a tear to the eye of anybody who ever endured bullying. Excuse me, I just teared up a little.

Rogue isn't the only one showing off her new skills. Nightcrawler is now part of the school and like his X-men Evolution version, he's wearing an image inducer to hide his appearance. He doesn't look all that similar to the human form he showed in that series. He actually looks more like a younger version of Brad Pitt. And who could blame him? If anyone could pick their appearance, why not look like someone who gets more panties wet than a washing machine?

However, his looks aren't the main topic of discussion. Xavier had him investigate the office of a guy named Bolivar Trask, who is supposed to be a professor at the school. What class he teaches isn't clear, but he's Bolivar Trask so any X-fans should know that means trouble. Nightcrawler details how he 'casually stumbled' into his office and found a secret keycard leading to a special elevator. It's like those rumors of a secret basement in a school that contains a pool, a strip club, and various piles of blow that all students fantasize about. Only this one is real, minus the pools, blow, and strippers of course. Nightcrawler investigates the area, which turns out to be some sort of fancy sub-level. He then discovers that Trask is an idiot when it comes to password protecting his computers because he punches in the number on the keycard and it gives him access. It's like using your address as a combination. It's fucking stupid.

So Nightcrawler shows his worth. He helps pay Xavier back by spying on a guy he thinks is up to no good. Frankly, it may have been easier just to catch Trask with a hooker, but I guess this works as well. But it's not over for Nightcrawler when he leaves the office. He bumps right into Rogue and screws up his image inducer, which happened plenty of times in X-men Evolution. They end up having to hide while class lets out and everybody starts screaming like Justin Bieber fans. As if their luck wasn't fucked up enough, they end up slipping into the principal's office. Now this would seem bad enough, but there's a twist here. The principle in X-Campus is none other than Mystique and both Nightcrawler and Rogue see this when she returns to her true form. This would have made for a powerful moment, but nobody says anything and nothing happens. All they do is just stand there with their jaws on the floor while Mystique doesn't notice them. It seems unnecessary, but that all depends on whether or not Mystique will have any family ties to them as she does in the comics. Since X-Campus has so many twists, that's up in the air and no real hints are given here. It just seems like an unnecessary scene.

A more meaningful scene takes place next when Xavier and his prized mutant students meet at the gazebo they met at in the previous issue and learn of what was on that data Nightcrawler uncovered. This is where X-Campus doesn't necessarily distinguish itself too much from the other books. It essentially reveals that Xavier's rival, Professor Magnus, is preparing for a war between humans and mutants. Anyone who knows anything about the X-men comics will yawn at this revelation. Other revelations are a bit more meaningful. Apparently, Magnus is carrying out this plot under Warren's father's nose by keeping him mind controlled through Mastermind. He's also using a device called Cyberno, a less sexier version of Cerebro, to track mutants by tracing mutant brain waves. Among the latest brain waves to be scanned are none other than a guy who made an appearance earlier, Peter Rasputin.

As expected, Magnus's goons are already meeting up with Peter. He works at an auto garage as a cover, sort of like how Al Capone was officially a used furniture salesman who just happened to have a hundred million dollars. Toad, Blob, and Mastermind show up with pictures showing them roughing up Peter's uncle in order to set him free as they say in Russian. Of course, free is a relative term in Russia and Peter doesn't take too kindly to such tactics. I'm not sure what the Brotherhood was looking to get from a Russian gangster, but they look way more surprised than they should be.

Even so, Peter gets outmatched by Blob. It's three on one and when one of those three has super strength as well, it's not a fair fight. Thankfully, this is when the X-men show up to even the odds. But they aren't exactly even. Now they outnumber the Brotherhood and the fight that ensues really isn't all that even. In fact, the Brotherhood are readily handled and it's not even that elaborate. Cyclops and Wolverine don't even use their powers at one point. Within a page it's over and the Brotherhood is running away. It's a pretty underwhelming fight to say the least.

Underwhelming or not, the struggle does continue for a bit after. Peter doesn't take too kindly to all this commotion and tries to throw the nearest heavy object at the X-men. This doesn't do much because Rogue still has Juggernaut strength and she catches it as if he tossed her softball. This surprises Peter and saves the X-men the trouble of explaining who and what they are. They go onto offer Peter the same opportunity they were given and Peter's response is entirely appropriate. "You're not scientologists are you?" Classic! That line makes the whole issue.

So Peter Rasputin joins and the ranks of the X-men continue to grow. It's a nice ending to the first part of the comic. Now Xavier has a former Russian gangster on his team. Not sure if he's supposed to feel confident or not, but a win is a win. He's still not satisfied though anymore than a football team is satisfied with a win in the preseason. He also drops a hint that there was more in that data than he told his X-men and that Trask was working on something bigger than Cyberno. If the word Sentinel didn't come to mind, then someone needs to get in touch with their inner Google because that shit should be obvious for all X-fans.

As with the previous two issues of X-Campus, the book is only halfway done at this point. There's a whole other story in this double sized issue. It's a great format for a book like this because Marvel could have easily been greedy and just split the books up in hopes of more money. But surprisingly, they didn't. They kept the books together. It may just be to save them the cost of ink, but whatever the reason it's a great bonus because it keeps moving the story along without having to wait another agonizing month for the next part.

The next part starts off on a train with Rogue. Apparently, something happened off panel (or the writer watched the first X-men movie while writing this) and Rogue left the academy. She's now on a train heading back home and it's not entirely clear why. Either someone posted pictures around the school of her going down on a horse or she's being mind controlled. In the real world the former is more likely, but the inner monologues just drone on about how she doesn't want to hurt anybody and how she has the curse of Cain Marko in her now that she's absorbed the strength. It's a painfully weak portrayal of Rogue's character, but there's a full comic ahead to explain this shit so it's worth giving a chance.

It doesn't take long for some explanation to be offered. More appears to have happened off panel than Rogue leaving. Jean and Ororo are both already on the train looking for Rogue. Now how they got there is really not clear. Did they fly in? Did they board the train Mission Impossible style? It would have made for an awesome scene, but I suppose the writer wanted to leave it to the reader's imagination. That's always dangerous because most male readers will just picture the same thing, only with the women being naked and occasionally going at it with some hot lesbo action. Whatever the perverse fantasy, Emma and a teenage Sebastian Shaw show up and are on the train as well. They haven't been involved since the first issue so it's nice to see them up to their old tricks again, even if they try to make it sound more ominous than it really is.

The next scene is a flashback, one that hopefully will fill in the blanks. It doesn't seem to do much filling at first. It has Warren Worthington (remember, in this universe the school is called the Worthington Foundation so it's kind of a big deal) showing Professor Xavier that he has a power now. He has wings. It's not too surprising, but seeing as how Warren's family has a much bigger role in this series it opens the door to some different plots. Warren is understandably freaked out. It's not every day new limbs appear out of nowhere and this can't be good for his inheritance prospects. Lord knows he can't make nearly as much money as an angel as he can a mortal billionaire. What does that say about Heaven?

Thankfully, Xavier doesn't have to listen to Warren's bitching for too much. Nightcrawler comes in and says there's a problem in the computer lab. Donald Pierce, who also hasn't shown up in a while, attacked Hank and not simply because he's such an asshole. Teenage Pierce is just as bad as adult Pierce and that should come as no surprise. Except this time it may not have been out of sheer douchiness. Pierce is a cyborg in this universe just as he is in the other comics. Only this time the implants are courtesy of Bolivar Trask. If you remember a few pages ago, Xavier uncovered some data from Trask's computers. It was Hank's job to decrypt it and in doing so, it triggered a fail-safe that had Pierce go Manchurian Candidate on Hank. Lucky for him, Bobby stopped by and put him on ice (bad pun totally intended). Cut me some slack, this comic isn't giving me a lot of room to make dick, poop, drug, and stripper jokes.

Since Pierce is down for the count and the fail safe you know...failed, the work continued on decoding the data. But then the plot takes another random turn and it's discovered by Ororo that Rogue has up and left. Again, not much detail is offered into her departure. After the events of the previous story, there aren't really any clues that she was thinking about leaving. She just did. It could have been a totally worthless plot point, but there is an extra complication thrown in when Professor Magnus (Magneto again for those not keeping up) finds out from Emma.

So we return to the present without any of the explanations we hoped for. If your spirit feels a little betrayed, don't worry. That's normal. Explanation or not, the action does pick up. Emma Frost, who was on the train with Shaw at the beginning of the issue, decides to play a trick that's almost the cruelest a teenage girl can play on another human being (she's still an amateur compared to some the bitches from my old high school). She calls the police and says there are four girls on the train with weapons. Since we're assuming this series takes place after the events of 9/11, the reaction is what you would expect from the government and that's completely unnecessarily excessive.

On the plus side if you can call it that, they do find Rogue. She actually fell asleep only to wake up to find herself surrounded by guns. Since she's a bit more aggressive than Jean and Ororo, she takes them out with her special touch (admit it, that's a much better pun) and catches up with Jean and Ororo. It looks like this is just a matter of clearing up some confusion. Then we're reminded that this is Emma Frost guiding this little prank and she never does anything halfway. While still not in the same league as the girls from my old high school, she inches just a wee bit closer by using her telepathy to take over Ororo's mind and have her throw a teenage hissy fit in a confined area. It's quite possibly the deadliest weapon any terrorist could ever hope to unleash.

What happens next is a classic telepathic smack down between Jean and Emma and this time it isn't even over who's fucking who's man. It should bring a smile to all those who got high off of the psychic spats Grant Morrison put together in his run, even if this incarnation is a over a lot sooner. Even so, Jean still ends up winning. It further proves the point that redheads beat hot blonds no matter what the game, even if blonds are more fuckable.

While Jean does win the battle, in the process it reveals the biggest twist of the X-Campus series to date. Apparently, Trask and Magnus aren't the only one keeping secrets. Early on in the series, one of the major twists was that Jean Grey wasn't a teenager in this. She's an adult who happens to be Xavier's assistant. It's not entirely a product of a bad LSD trip. The older and more mature Jean Grey was well established in the X-men movies, thanks in large part to the bonerific performance of Xania Onotop herself, Femke Jennsen. No one had any reason to call this twist weird and most were probably okay with accepting it. Then in the span of a page that all changes.

Apparently, Jean Grey wasn't as mature as she let on. When Emma Frost clashed with her mind, she undid a telepathic illusion that had been hiding the fact that Jean Grey wasn't a hot cougar psychic. In reality she's actually jail bait. Like most every other X-character, she's just a teenager and not a bad looking one either! It's a truly awesome surprise. If anyone says they saw it coming, assume they're either high or just lying through their fucking tooth.

It makes for a very awkward yet very awesome moment. Then everybody remembers they still have a fucking SWAT team bearing down on them. The explanation for Jean has to wait and Ororo pulls off another hissy fit, this time one that's a bit more controlled (at least as controlled as a teenage girl can get). More movie references are made as three tornadoes engulf the area and fuck up the government's operation. Liberal douches should be having heart attacks while conservative right-wingers should be getting boners. It makes for an iconic escape and a nice finish to the conflict.

So Rogue returns to the academy and so does teenage Jean. The boys are understandably shocked/intrigued. If any of them had a cougar fetish, they're fucked. But a hot teenage girl is certainly nothing to scoff at. The explanation is pretty standard. Jean used her powerful telepathy to make sure everybody saw only what they wanted her to see. There wasn't much explanation on how the school would get around Dr. Grey mysteriously disappearing and a teenager who looks like her and has the exact same name just happens to enter. Either they'll need to use even more telepathy or someone is going to have to call up the mob to get some fake paperwork. Since Peter joined in the last story, neither is completely out of the question.

In addition there are some hints that Logan and Scott are quite thrilled to see Jean as a teenager. Logan makes a comment about how she's a looker and Scott indirectly implies he feels the same by being a bit of a jerk. It sets the stage for what may be a teenage version of the classic Scott/Jean/Logan triangle. Since there's only one issue left that would be a perfect cap to what has been a unique and stellar series. But for now, everyone seems content with a younger Jean Grey and Rogue coming to her senses.

It's an interesting and fitting way for the book to end. While the two stories may not have flowed very well together, they were both compelling in their own right. Peter's first appearance and the revelation about Jean were both very nicely done. The twist and surprises in this issue alone makes it the best thus far in this young and short mini. There's still the issue of Rogue and why she ended up leaving out of the blue. There's also the plot with Warren, which was never really addressed after being revealed. Not every loose end was tied up, but with one issue left there's still time to bring it all together. There's a lot to enjoy here and not just because the book is twice the size of a normal X-book. There is actually some quality to be found beneath the whole gimmick of the X-men being teenagers. It may still sound like a half-hearted concept from someone at Marvel who watched too many John Huges movies. But it still works and this issue really moves things forward, getting a brief entry into the greater mutants/humans conflict while keeping with the same teenage conflicts that add to the appeal.

So far X-Campus has been one of the most surprising minis in a long time. It's no Ultimate style alternative nor is it some X-men Forever derivative. For one, it's a lot better done than X-men Forever and hasn't been destroyed by Jeph Loeb like Ultimate was. It's still something that mostly X-men Evolution fans would really enjoy the most, but there's something for all the hardcore X-fans in this. X-Campus #3 continued to develop the story that began with the first issue and sets the stage nicely for the final issue. This along with the twist involving Jean Grey make this issue the best thus far. So it earns a solid 4.5 out of 5. With the final issue, we'll know for sure if this mini deserves a special place in the annuls of X-men minis. So long as someone working on this title doesn't go on a one month cocaine bender, there's no reason why it shouldn't be great. Nuff said.

X-Campus #2 - Uniquely Awesome

Over a month ago an offbeat take on the X-men was introduced. It was called X-Campus, another one of those books forged in the shady underworld of European comics. I say shady because most X-fans in the states don't even know this shit exists. It usually takes some kind of fluke to get it here. X-Women was one of those comics and it was pretty kick-ass (gotta love those less than Puritainical attitudes of Europe). X-Campus is different in that it doesn't fit into the regular X-men continuity. Hell, it doesn't fit into any continuity. It's basically it's own thing, a total alternate take. And by alternate I don't mean a few tweaks here and there. I mean a full fledged re-imagining of the X-men. It's different and may cause some people's heads to spin right off their necks. But damn it if it isn't it's own kind of awesome.

X-Campus #1 set the stage. The Xavier Institute is the Xavier Academy, a special school where the X-gang we all know and love are your typical, hormone-driven, angst ridden, parent defying teenagers. Yeah, it was done before in X-men Evolution, but not like this. Charles Xavier is a real Professor who...you know, actually teaches like he never does in the comics. Jean Grey is his hot cougar-esque teaching assistant. Magneto (or Magnus as he's called) is another rival teacher. Mystique is operating under the guise of an administrator. And Logan is a teenager. That's right, the same deranged animal that was badass enough as an adult is a teenager! Where else are you going to find shit like that? All this was sort of touched on in the first issue while introducing Rogue into the story, or Anna as she's called here. She basically was the in that brought the reader into the world of X-Campus. In the new issue she doesn't take center stage nearly as much, but that's okay because it opens the door for other characters to be awesome.

In the early parts of X-Campus #2 it's Nightcrawler (who if you'll recall was recently killed in 616 so fans of him better latch onto this book like it's Pam Anderson's tit) who begins the story. He showed up in the last issue where he was essentially a kid trying to stay out of sight while surviving. That struggle continues here while guys like Magneto and Professor Xavier track him. Since kids with blue fur are underrepresented, they need something to statisfy the affirmative action crowd.

He somehow makes it to the top of Magneto's want-list (who for some reason is wearing some very Elton John type glasses and not in a way that makes him cool) and is enlisting Mesmero (who looks like a human version of Kermit the Frog) to recruit him. What's odd is he seems to know Nightcrawler on a more personal level and that offers some extra intrigue. He's not just playing the part of Mr. Burns and scheming for typical douche-baggery. There is some hint of another plot and it makes for a compelling setup.

As fun as the whole evil mutant mastermind plot is, this book is still called X-Campus #2 and that means some school related shit and just in time for back to school season as well. Along with school you get high school dramas and anybody who has been through high school knows that shit is about as nerve racking as having open heart surgery while you're doing a fitness test. X-Campus does try to capture some of that drama (while not conjuring too many painful memories for older readers). We get Rogue having some friendly exchanges with a teenage version of Donald Pierce, who looks about as sophisticated as a drunk monkey. We also get an entertaining moment with Bobby flirting with a girl. And by flirt I mean doing making little ice hearts in her water glass. Lord knows if guys like me had that in high school, we would have been up to our necks in naked cheerleaders.

Of course, along with teenage drama there's always a douche-bag looking to cock block the good guys. In this case it's some asshole named Mark. He doesn't seem related to any other X-character. He's just your standard douche. It's kind of a drag that another X-character wasn't used here. There are any number of potentially douche-bag characters in the X-universe, but it's not a total loss. Teenage Wolverine shows up and proves that in this universe, his greatest enemies are the douche-bags. It by far makes him a lot more likeable than some of his other incarnations that insist on drinking like the cast of Led Zeppline while trying to sleep with married women. But he's not a golden boy by far. He still finds time to flirt with the same girl Bobby is trying to flirt with. That makes him just a little bit more a jerk.

While girl troubles are always fun teenage drama (and plenty traumatizing for some), there's also that classic element of parent issues. What teenager doesn't get a little hostile to parents who won't let them smoke weed and hump mindlessly to midget porn? The story here is a bit more serious and a lot less sexy. It brings in Warren Worthington III, whose name is on some very important parts of the school, namely the Worthington Foundation. Now it's not clear here if Warren is a mutant or even if his father knows about it, but like any nosy parent he knows something is up and Warren isn't talking. So the potential for a Dawson's Creek style shit storm is definitely high and the added bit of Mesmero ensures that shit will be extra stinky.

At this point the teenage drama aspect starts to catch up with the readers. If someone by chance had a bad high school experience, it's not unusual for cold sweats to break out. The teenage angle is important here, but it's still an X-men book. That means at some point the X-men have to come together and thankfully the story doesn't dwell too much on the whole high school aspect. It saves those same readers the money of a trip to the therapist.

Charles Xavier finally starts becoming the Xavier we all know and love. He sends out notes to various students and tells them to meet at a gazebo. There he gives them a speech X-fans should be familiar with. He explains the extraordinary abilities they have coded in their DNA. Now keep in mind most of the characters here know they're mutants themselves, but they don't know that they're not the only ones. So when Xavier brings them together it's the first sign of a team forming and it only took one issue. Not bad for a book that's just a mini-series. Of course, not everybody gets with the program. Teenage Logan is a teenager and as such he doesn't fall in line. But that's to be expected. He just wouldn't be Logan if he did.

Not long after these new X-men meet up and join together, they get their first mission. Once again, Nightcralwer enters the picture. He's been snooping around the outer edge of the campus and runs into a couple of problems named Toad and Pyro. They look like your typical bullies, ready to cause trouble by hazing the weird kid and making a big scene of it. Only here they don't seem to have stringing him up by his underwear in mind. Nightcrawler shows some fight and there's a fart joke thrown in for good measure. Now you could say that's immature, but a fart joke is still funny and when done right it makes anything more awesome including a comic like X-Campus.

A chase ensues and Nightcrawler gets subdued. This time no fart joke is necessary. They take him down the way you would expect bullies to take down someone trying to run away from being harassed. Except unlike the countless other souls who suffer at the hands of these monsters, Nightcrawler gets some help from Professor Xavier and his new crew of students. He guides them to Nightcrawler where they outnumber and outgun Pyro and Toad. It makes for a classic X-men/Brotherhood clash even if it is lopsided and only involves a limited amount of characters. But limited or not, it's the first real taste of action in this book and for a book that centers around the X-men as teenagers it works perfectly. For veteran high school victims like myself, it's enough to evoke tears.

With Nightcrawler and his underwear safe, Xavier's new team has some success under their belt and Nightcrawler has some new friends. It makes for a nice little prelude for this burgeoning X-team even though they aren't calling themselves that yet. Not everything happens at once here. The pacing of the story remains steady even if it does seem at times that it should have overstepped a few bounds by now. But remarkably it doesn't. At this point Professor Xavier isn't even sure what to call his little club. The very idea of the X-men is still developing, which is unique to an X-comic. It gives X-campus a really nice feel and helps give more reasons to follow the story.

Now the book could have ended here and been plenty awesome, but like the first issue of X-Campus this is a two-for-one deal. That means this comic is double-sized, containing two self-contained stories. It's a great deal and an even greater bang for the buck because the first story helped build up an appetite for more X-Campus. The next story gives just another savory morsel to fuel that craving.

This one involves the X-Campus take on Charles Xavier's tenuous relationship with his brother, Cain Marko. Yeah, you can probably see where this is going. Again, there's some uniqueness added to the mix. Xavier is daydreaming about an old memory with him and is breather. It involves running, something he can't do now. It's a memory caused by the sports page of the newspaper of all things. It seems out of place, but in X-Campus it makes about as much sense as anything else thus far.

In addition to Xavier's family dramas, the plot with Rogue's love life continues from the previous issue. For whatever reason, she's attracting all the guys. Must be the accent or something. She's still getting a douche-like charm from Donald Pierce, but now Warren throws his hat into the ring. It seems a bit out of place, but at least he's not a douche-bag about it. Plus, Ororo shows that while Rogue may be new to the whole idea of having two guys that want to get into her panties, she knows how to keep it from getting messed up. That more than anything makes her one of the best damn roommates in the history of teen dramas.

But the drama doesn't stop with Warren. Once again the events of the previous story are referenced, showing that Warren is now roommates with Nightcrawler. He's still not presentable in the halls of a typical high school where they'll stare if you have a lousy haircut. So Hank is working on an image inducer to help him walk the halls without being cornered by the nearest douche army. It's another page right out of X-men Evolution, but if you're going to life details from any source it may as be the only other medium that has X-men as a Dawson's Creek style drama.

Between Nightcrawler's appearance and Rogue's inability to understand the rituals involving the opposite sex, it's easy to forget that there is a more basic X-plot here and that plot is revealed with Charles Xavier once more. He meets with Scott to discuss a little field trip to a football game. Now usually when I see the word football and X-men in the same comic, it's the equivalent of taking a hit of crack and ecstasy while watching an X-men Animated Series marathon. But the emphasis here isn't on football. It's on Cain Marko, someone who gained power like a mutant and isn't using it in a very noble way (unless you're a Cowboys, Redskins, Patriots, or Eagles fan).

Now what do I mean by that? Well unless you're a total novice to X-men you'll know that Cain Marko became Juggernaut when he had a little run in with the gem of Cyttorak. That gem turned him into the unstoppable force he became. That happened here in X-Campus, but he didn't exactly use it to become the hulking dick-weed he is in the comics. He used to become a dick-weed athlete and one way he shows off his power is to make a fool out of the New York Giants. Again, if you don't like them this should put a smile on your face.

Charles isn't much of a football fan so he goes to talk with Cain after the event. It starts off as well as any reunion between brothers and by well I mean one is a total dick while the other is being the voice of reason. Cain doesn't give a hunk of donkey shit for reason though. He wants to use this Cyttorak power to gain money, fame, and women. A vast majority of the readers out there would probably do the same considering how much bank and pussy guys like Brett Farve and Albert Haynseworth get despite being douche-bags. When Xavier tries to challenge him, Cain reacts about as well as Ryan Leaf does to reporters. He acts like a fucking dick.

So thus begins another classic fight between the X-men and Juggernaut, only this takes the form of a locker room style brawl you would see on ESPN. The X-kids all try to take their shot, but it works about as well as a hunger strike in an anti-masterbation protest. Juggernaut may not have the distinct brown costume or that goofy helmet, but he's still pretty fucking strong and makes quick work of everyone that tries to take him on. Then Rogue takes a shot, giving him a simple touch on the face with her bear hand. Cain probably thinks this is just a pussy way to slap somebody, but her powers do kick in and there's a nice little homage to the X-men movies with the creepy black veins before she drains him and ends the fight.

Now some may cry foul here because Rogue has tried to absorb Juggernaut before in the comics and shows, and that's never stopped him. It always requires that Xavier stop him with his telepathy. It seems like that should be the case here, but it isn't. For whatever reason, Rogue's absorption powers are enough. It seems a little underhanded. But it works just fine. It's just not as awesome as it could have been.

Once Cain is taken down, Xavier goes back to high school mode. He helps the cops sort things out and his students go back to being students. He does some more daydreaming, which I guess is fitting because that's how this Juggernaut story started out. He touches a bit on Rogue's personal dramas and there's even a little hint about Donald Pierce being a bit less than human (translation, he's got cyber implants that make the look like a half-assed version of the Terminator). There's even a nice little hint about the next issue concerning someone else at the campus named Professor Bolivar Trask. Other than Michael Bay, no man has more giant robot connotations than that man and it sets the stage nicely for the next issue while laying to rest the story here. If that's not enough for readers of this double-sized book, then consider a bucket of crystal meth because nothing is good enough for you!

Between this issue and the first issue, X-Campus is shaping up to be a very enjoyable little series. It is a very unique twist on the X-men, but not so unique that it's difficult to follow. It takes some concepts from X-men Evolution and others from the books and crafts a unique kind of iteration of everybody's favorite mutants. The style isn't for everyone. The art can seem a bit sub-par at times and so can the dialogue, but for the most part it's a quality piece of awesome and you can't ask for much more. Throw in the added value of getting two full stories in a single book and you've got twice the awesome within the same pages.

Taking everything together and ignoring some of the painful memories of my own high school career that this book evokes, I give this book a 4.5 out of 5 and one of my highest recommendations. Now why did I take off half a point? Well the first issue had the benefit of really presenting a bold new concept and making it awesome. This issue didn't have that added benefit of being completely new. It still worked, but only as a continuation of the previous issue. It doesn't seem right to give it the same score as the first issue of X-Campus because it doesn't have the same ground-breaking feel to it.

Even without that half-a-point, this series is still awesome! Writer Francesco Artibani has done a great job thus far and deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as the current X-men writers. This issue, the last issue, and the next two issues are definitely worth picking up. If you're an X-man fan and looking for something novel and engaging (and weren't too traumatized by school), this is the way to go! Nuff said.