Uncanny X-Force #5 - A Tough Act (of Awesome) To Follow

If my words come off as a little hoarse in this review, don't be alarmed. I've been singing the praises of Uncanny X-Force so much that my vocal chords look like the frail threads holding Lindsey Lohan's career together. There's a lot to get excited about with this book. It has the rush of a fresh line of cocaine without the limp dick and scarred nasal pathways. Rick Remender took the events that came after Second Coming and created a compelling new X-men series that's dark, gritty, bloody, and has a hot Asian chick who likes to run around in a swimsuit. So there's something for everyone, even perverts.

The first arc of Uncanny X-Force hit the ground running. There was no build-up to a big fight. The team set up shop and their first mission was against Apocalypse, a villain that you can't be diplomatic with. You either have to wipe him out or become his evolutionary prison bitch. It was an epic battle for the new X-Force. It demonstrated that even though Cyclops officially disbanded the team in Second Coming, there's still a need for it. However, a twist was thrown in at the end. When X-Force reached Apocalypse, they didn't find the big bad supermutant who looks like an 800-pound-gorilla fucked a sentinel. He was just a kid. Granted, he was a creepy ass kid. But he was a kid.

It made for a powerful moment. X-Force is about killing threats before they manifest, but even with psychopaths like Deadpool on the team they couldn't go through with it. Well...except for Fantomex. After Wolverine, Psylocke, and even freakin' Arcangel decide to spare the kid, Fantomex steps in and shoots kidpocalypse right in the head. He killed the threat. He essentially completed their mission. However, the success wasn't all that satisfying. If anything, it sewed the seeds of discontent.

That's where Uncanny X-Force #5 picks up. It has the daunting task of following up the Apocalypse story. That's like trying to satisfy a porn star who just got plowed by four Calvin Klein models. It's a lot to measure up to and that's not just a cute dick joke. Fantomex takes center stage, being the guy that pulled the trigger in the last arc. He seems to be avoiding his fellow X-Force teammates. That's understandable because when you kill a kid, your friends tend to think less of you. For those who don't know shit about Fantomex other than the snooty French persona he uses to seduce women, there's a nice little summery of who he is. Fantomex describes where he came from. It's a Star Trek inspired place called The World, where millions of years of evolution can pass in only a month of real time. This is where Fantomex came of age. He was conditioned to be a mix of man and sentinel. In the same way a social outcast immerses himself in World of Warcraft, Fantomex is reconnecting with The World.

He hasn't been around to the World in a while. It stands to reason that the women in the real world are more appealing. Since his absence the World has become corrupted in the same way a shady porno file from a torrent site fucks up a computer. Remember, the World is essentially like Tron without Jeff Bridges and the flashy cars. Now that Fantomex has more free time, he investigates it further. He enters the world again to find out that the World may have been corrupted by illegal downloads of Japanese anime and images of perverse Disney drawings.

To prevent his home town from going haywire, he reveals that he has what can only be described as a secret fail safe. It's very vague. It's not really that clear what Fantomex is doing or where he is. It's only clear that something is fucked up about the World and he's trying to fix it. After the Apocalypse arc where everything flowed so nicely, this is a bit of a jolt. At the very least, it sets the stage for the conflict in this arc. Fantomex's old stomping ground seems appropriate given the shit storm he kicked up with his teammates.

While he's enjoying his little time out, X-Force is holding a special meeting to discuss Fantomex's shenanigans. Killing Kidpocalypse isn't one of those things they can just let slide. It's not like stealing pens from the office supply closet or fooling around with your boss's daughter (even if she does have great tits). Psylocke, Angel, and even Deadpool voice their discontent over what Fantomex did. Killing kids isn't what X-Force is supposed to be about. Even Deadpool was uncharacteristically coherent. This was a far cry from the guy who actually fed pieces of his arm to Angel. This guy is supposed to be nuttier than squirrel turds and he's coming off as emo. It's not just jarring. It's distressing.

Wolverine being the jerk he is basically brushes off all their concerns. In his eyes they did the right thing. They completed the mission. That's all that mattered. He tells those who can't stomach what they do to leave. This is a guy who has enough demons to start his own football league complete with cheerleaders, coaches, and a shitty Al Davis type owner. Psylocke and Angel come off as being painfully human, not liking the idea that they killed a kid. Wolverine brushes it off as if it were tick. Granted, ticks can fuck you up if they drain enough blood, but this is Wolverine we're talking about here. He's the one that put this team together and unlike Cyclops, he's not doing a very good job of leading it.

While the team deals with their share of problems, Fantomex visits the French Alps to catch up with another part of his past. This time it's not some French maiden he didn't call after a three way. It's an old blind woman who was involved in raising him in the World. He calls her mother even though she doesn't have the stretch marks from giving birth to him. Again, it may not be clear if you're not familiar with Fantomex's history. But Remender does a good job of having the scene explain itself. The woman explains how she tried to instill some ethics in him to counter the other harsh training he received. This conflicts with his recent actions and Fantomex makes it clear that he has a problem with it. He's part mutant and part sentinel. There's a "Target: Aquired. Lethal force authorized" part of his brain that's hard to ignore as the affair with Kidpocalypse demonstrated.

This nice moment with dear old mom quickly goes to Hell when they get some unexpected visitors. And it isn't neighbors asking for a cup of sugar. They're assassins. Sugar is for pussies. Blood makes brownies taste so much better. They're assassins in the form of familiar heroes like Elektra and Captain America. However, it's pretty clear they aren't human. They talk like sentinels with the whole "target acquired" and "primary objective" speech. Seriously, not even lame superheroes talk like that.

Fantomex fights off the assault and tries to protect dear old mom. They quickly reorganize, taking a page out of Terminator and showing their robot side to make them more badass. As lame as it sounds, it actually works. Fantomex gets his ass thrown around a bit like a newbie at a state prison. Then the robot Spider-Man shows up and grabs his mother. Fantomex tries to save her, but like with Kidpocalypse there's no room for mercy in this book. Robo-Spider snaps the old woman's neck. So that means in one issue, a kid is killed. In the next, an old lady is killed. It's official. This book is pretty hardcore. The sad part is that robo Spider-Man is still on a higher moral ground than real Spider-Man because he never made a deal with the fucking devil! But I'd rather not get into that discussion.

Fantomex is now pissed. Now those "Yo mama" jokes are personal. He fights back, but somewhere along the line these robo-heroes steal The World from him. Again, it's not clear where or how this happens. Did he drop it? Did he get pick-pocketed? Did someone reach into his pocket when he wasn't looking? It's another one of those confusing developments that the other X-Force books didn't have.

At this point Fantomex realizes that he's not going to win this battle on his own. All the smooth talking and French arrogance in the world won't help him. So he uses EVA to send a distress signal to the rest of X-Force, hoping that they're not too pissed at him to not help. Although if they didn't show up, it would be understandable. It may even teach Fantomex a lesson, but given that this is Fantomex we can't have that. He had to remain the arrogant French asshole to stay in character.

He manages to slip away when Hawkeye gets bold and hits him with an exploding arrow. Seriously, a bullet would have worked just as well. He's playing keep-away now until X-Force shows up, assuming they're not going to take their sweet time to fuck with him. He's in bad shape and it seems as though he puts some distance between him and the robo-heroes. Then he comes face-to-face with the guy who may be behind this whole mess. He's Deathlok and that my friends is how the name of the arc, Deathlok Nations, makes sense. Given the title it's not much of a surprise, but at least it makes sense. It's a good way to end the first issue of this arc and for those who enjoyed seeing Fantomex get his ass kicked, it leaves plenty of promise that his ass will be more tender than hamburger meat when the next issue rolls around.

So after reading this issue, will I finally be able to give my vocal chords a rest? Can I finally go to my throat doctor and avoid having to tell him to fuck off when he warns me of permanent damage? Well I'm okay with saying that this issue is awesome. Uncanny X-Force remains a top quality book. If you could only buy one X-book a month and you chose this book, you would get plenty of awesome X-stories. However, after the last arc the bar is so high that this issue had a lot to live up to. As a result, some of the minor flaws become a lot more glaring.

On more than one occasion, it's not entirely clear what's going on. It's not clear where Fantomex is at the beginning or what he's doing with the World. Those who don't know Fantomex's history may be a little lost at times. It's not clear when he loses the world during the fight with the robo-heroes. On top of that Deadpool was horribly out of character. He didn't even crack a poop joke. That's a big deal for some fans and it may turn them off this series in a big way. It shouldn't because there's still a lot of awesome material to go around. Rick Remender makes it a point to document the aftermath of Fantomex's decision to kill Apocalypse. The fight scene with Fantomex and the assassins was very well done as well. The death of his mother was a good shocker and Deathlok's appearance at the end was a nice treat. So this issue is still more than worth picking up.

If I hadn't read the last arc of Uncanny X-Force, I may be inclined to score this a little higher. I've given high marks to this series for every issue thus far, yelling at the top of my lungs how great it is. This time I can give my lungs and vocal chords a rest. This issue is great, but it's not worth recording an album over. Overall, I give Uncanny X-Force #5 a 3.5 out of 5. The minor issues were made a lot bigger by the standards this series set up. There's nothing that can't be overcome in the next issue. For now, Uncanny X-Force is still a strong title. If Rick Remender can refine those little things, I'll gladly go back to straining my vocal chords. Nuff said.

Blog Update: Limited New Reviews

First off, I want to thank everybody who has been supporting this blog and my X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I really do appreciate it. However, I have some unfortunate news to share. In the real world I do have a job and that job has recently changed in a way that is going to make posting reviews to this blog exceedingly difficult. I would find a way to do it if the incentive was there, but in posting these long reviews with scans I'm getting very little in return. Very few people ever bother to post comments and more importantly, at least to me, it hasn't translated into hits on my website for X-men Supreme. These reviews are NOT easy to put together. They take hours of my time and my hope was that it would further enhance my X-men Supreme series. It hasn't. So for that reason, I'll be scaling back my reviews. There simply isn't enough reason for me to continue. I wanted this blog to support X-men Supreme more than anything else. That hasn't happened. I'm not getting hits or comments. So with no incentive and a job that's getting increasingly more hectic, I need to scale. I'm sorry for all those who enjoyed my reviews. But I just got so little feedback the effort does not justify the result. I hope you understand. Thanks again to all those who have supported this blog. I hope you continue to do so.

In other news, I did update my website. I added a bio page for Cameron Hodge. I meant to add it sooner, but I feel behind. It's there now and for anyone looking to fill in the blanks left by his story in the Uprising arc, this should do it.

Cameron Hodge - Bio

Thanks again everybody and take care.

Jack

Batman Beyond #4 - Secrets and Setbacks

Batman Beyond has done a lot to try and recapture the magic of the old TV show. It's also done a lot to try and be like a real Batman comic and not be some cheap gimmick that has people going "Ooh, it's Batman...from the future! Wow! Take my money!" To do this the Batman Beyond series has focused heavily not on the hardcore action or fighting of the show, but on the old school mystery element that made the Batman comics so epic. And I'm not talking about the mind-bending Lost style awesome that requires three doses of LSD and two doses of meth to at least partially follow. I'm talking about the classic mystery we got tested in back in grade school with motive, clues, and what not. Even though I got a D- on those tests, Batman Beyond is a mystery written in a way that is easy to follow and pretty damn awesome.

The mystery in this mini centers around the new Batman, Terry McGinnis, trying to uncover the truth behind a string of murders involving Batman's old enemies. The face behind these murders is supposedly Hush, the classic Batman villain who had ties to the early life of Bruce Wayne. However, that would be a bit of a stretch and not just because the guy is supposed to be dead. This is 40 years in the future and Bruce is old as dirt. Since Hush came after him when he was still in his prime, he should be withering with osteoporosis and pissing into a bag. So what's going on here? That's the question Terry has to answer.

Batman Beyond #4 brings where the last issue ended. Hush was confronting yet another old Batman villain (at least an updated version) in Catwoman. He had been getting help from her in his screwing-with-Batman plan and to no one's surprise, he looks to screw her over and not in a way you could make Viagra commercials about. There's still no clue as to who this new Catwoman is. She doesn't offer any hints, only that she's not related to the old Catwoman. Yeah, that's really helpful. But before Hush can finish the job, Batman shows up. However, it's not the old Batman or even the new Batman. It's a robot Batman. Don't get too excited though. It's not as awesome as it sounds.

So Hush is only fooled for a very brief moment. He's about as impressed as the readers probably are when it comes to Batman using a robot. It's not even a very good robot either. Terminator fans who may be reading this will scoff at how ineffective this robo-Batman is because Hush only takes one blow before out-smarting the machine (take that Skynet!). Well he doesn't exactly outsmart it. The damn thing malfunctions like the Windows Vista beta version. It's pretty underwhelming and with all those billions, you would think Bruce would have at least tried to work out the kinks.

While robo-Batman is giving himself a bad name, new Batman is still working the mystery angle with another old Batman ally, Dick Grayson. This is a character that never showed up in the TV show so it's nice to finally see him in the world of Batman Beyond. He's got some white hair going like the rest of the old Batman cast and like Tim Drake he's left pretty embittered by Bruce. He still made a new life for himself, teaching gymnastics and acrobatics. Terry's only mildly impressed. He gets right to the good-cop/bad-cop routine, asking for an alibi since Dick is one of the very few who knows Batman's secrets. If Tim Drake could go a little nuts, why couldn't Dick? Well he does offer an alibi and he also offers some insight into his history. While he doesn't have the rogue's gallery Batman has in his cave, he did keep one of his old uniforms (albeit riddled with bullet holes).

Dick has the potential to offer some vital clues while filling in some of the blanks the show never got to. While Terry is getting this history lesson, the battle of robo-Batman continues to unfold. Not only that, the new Catwoman enlisted the help of some robo-Catwomen as well. It must be a mark of status in the future. You're not really awesome until you have your own army of duplicates doing your dirty work. Some may find the whole robot angle pretty lame, but since this is the future it does fit somewhat. It's just that for all the supposed advancements made, the damn things are still an insult to the Terminators and every robot movie ever made. That doesn't mean they don't kick a little ass though. Batman does manage to get some fight out of his robots and give Hush a good beat down.

Where it all goes wrong is in the design. Hush may be flesh and blood, but he still has a working brain. He quickly picks out a flaw in robo-Batman's design. He guesses that the main power supply is under the trademarked Batman emblem and guess what? He's right. It's just like those lame putty soldiers in the old Power Ranger TV show. One hit to a certain point and it's done for. Not a very effective design to say the least. The only thing Bruce can possibly do to not be completely humiliated is self-destruct the damn thing. In comics, that's like standing up with a bullhorn and admitting to a large crowd that you're a pussy.

It's clear Bruce is not doing very well without Terry, but someone has to do the whole mystery game. In the process, there's a quick flashback with Dick Grayson and this is where it gets a little muddled from the show. He says that during Bruce's final days as Batman the Joker showed up and abducted Alfred. But how can that be? It was already revealed in a previous issue that the whole plot of Return of the Joker still applied. Anyone who saw that story on a late-night rerun on Cartoon Network knows that the Joker was killed by Tim Drake. So how could he show up again to abduct Alfred? Moreover, how can this be the point when Bruce retired? In the first episode of Batman Beyond, it showed Bruce still going at it as an old man in the new suit. Something is clearly very wrong here.

It's the first major hiccup in the continuity with this series. So far the book has been very good at staying true to what the old show established. This is quite a misstep because it's flying in the face of events that were already established in this very mini. If Tim Drake never made an appearance, then one could say it was a retcon. But that's not the case. Someone drilled a hole here and it's big enough for Ron Jeremy to fuck. There is some other details about Dick getting shot during this process, but for most readers that will fly right over their heads as they're too busy scratching it trying to rectify this first and blatant inconsistency.

There may very well be an explanation for this, but for now it's a hole that this series will have to work around. There is some reprieve when another familiar face from Batman Beyond shows up, his old friend Max. Her hair is dyed a different color in this comic, but she's still clearly the new Batman's Alfred except she has boobs and no accent. She's able to give Terry a good pep talk and prompt him to quit with the detective shit and go do something about Hush and the shit he's been pulling.

What he ends up doing is luring Hush out by disguising himself as one of Batman's current villains, Mad Stan. He was one of the more colorful villains in the show, not so much a master criminal and more an overall trouble-maker. He was no Joker, but he was easy to laugh at. His appearance is more than enough to get Hush in the mix for another fight and this time he's packing more deranged madness this time. He's also got a spear, which admittedly isn't as subtle as a boomerang but even in the future being stabbed still hasn't been rendered obsolete.

The fighting is a lot more intense this time around. Hush isn't looking to taunt or tease Terry like some overpriced street hooker. He's out for blood. He rants on about how this is part of some bigger plan to do what's right for Gotham. Somehow killing Batman, the guy who has always taken it upon himself to save Gotham, is supposed to work. I don't get it either and it sounds like someone is off his meds for making this case, but Hush believes his madness the same way Donald Trump believes his own superiority. This seems to be enough because he ends up delivering a fatal blow to Terry.

Then comes the big reveal. Hush has taken down Batman. He's stabbed him, wounded him, and humiliated him. Now feeling his balls descend a bit more, he rips off the bandages covering his face to reveal his identity. Only it's not the same Hush that was described a few issues ago. This Hush is actually Dick Grayson. Yeah, the same damn Dick Grayson from earlier in the books! Somehow that alibi of his wasn't as solid as he claimed and somehow he figured out to be two places at once, fighting Catwoman while meeting with Terry. It's shocking and confusing, sort of like sitting on tasers while high on cocaine. It's certainly unexpected, but it offers more confusion rather than mystery.

So we've got Dick Grayson showing up and later revealing himself as Hush. This comes on top of that flashback that flies directly in the face of the story revealed in the cartoon. For a series that had been so streamlined and solid, it's like someone drove over a pothole laced with grease from a MacDonalds deep fryer. It didn't completely crash and burn, but it's swerving recklessly throughout a busy residential neighborhood and taking out a few kids and small kittens in the process. Even though these reveals made for some strong moments, they weren't all that striking and didn't hit an emotional chord. That in many ways is the greatest weakness of the book. Because of the confusing twists, it's hard to get really attached to it.

That doesn't mean it's been completely destroyed. This issue was not up to par with the previous three and it's really hurt the overall flow of the story. However, it certainly isn't beyond redemption. There could certainly be a worthy explanation in the next issue as there so often are with other mystery books. Perhaps that flashback in this book was a ruse. Perhaps that Dick Grayson that Terry talked to was a ruse. Perhaps even the Hush claiming to be Dick Grayson is an impostor. There are plenty of possibilities and it depends on how it brings the story together. For now though, this issue fell short of it's predecessors. That's why I give Batman Beyond #4 a 3 out of 5. It's not terrible enough to pan just yet, but it has some work to do to be awesome again. Nuff said.

X-Force Sex and Violence #3 - Kyle and Yost's Swan Song (OF BLOOD)

Well this is it. The end of an era. Craig Kyle and Chris Yost have graced the pages of X-men with their own brand of X-men awesome that offered a perfect blend of grotesque violence and hot women dressed in tight black leather. On the surface it seems like a series that didn't need quality writing or good stories to be awesome. Throw enough violence and sex into anything and it'll appeal to 80 percent of the young male demographic that reads comics. But Craig Kyle and Chris Yost didn't settle for less. They actually told decent stories behind all the bloodlust and boobage. X-Force was a hell of a reading experience and before they head off to rub shoulders with the pompous Hollywood crowd, they throw one last send-off to their run in the form of X-Force: Sex and Violence.

So far the series has embodied everything that makes X-Force awesome. The first issue had a sexy woman in black leather fight off ninjas and assassins in an effort to save a shipment of trafficked girls. In the second issue that same woman got down and dirty with Wolverine on a bed of money. Then more violence followed with an army of psychotic mutants and super-powered thugs coming after them. For a series that's only three issues long, that's a lot of grade-A T&A. Somewhere out there some moral crusader for the religious right is having a heart attack, which I guess could be considered a bonus.

The third and final issue of X-Force Sex and Violence keeps this train of blood and boobs going. After the Assassins ruined Wolverine and Domino's afterglow, they decided to skip the whole running-for-their-lives part and confront them head on. They quickly come face to face with the Assassins and the ever psychotic (yet strangely doable) Belladonna. Seeing as how she's out over 200 million bucks she's understandably pissed.

There's some witty exchange, but not much. Kyle and Yost comics are defined by actions and not words. It all boils down to a simple threat by Wolverine. If the Guild leaves them alone, he and Domino let them live. And that money they were humping on earlier? That goes to charity. Yeah, that's a good way to balance out a night of Caligula style debauchery. Take that same money and send it to the needy. It's hard to call it noble, but for a guy to go from humping on a pile of money to giving it away...I'm not sure if that takes balls, but it sure as hell takes something. Either way, Belladonna doesn't give two shits about his threat. There's no subtlety here. She orders them killed.

You can probably guess what happens after this, but words don't do it justice. Bullets fly, blood spills, and violence of inhuman proportions consume the scene. If ever there was a single scene to embody the Kyle and Yost X-Force run, this is it. There's not much I can say about it that I haven't already said before. Things like Wolverine getting his face blown off and Domino getting choked by a chain, it's par for the course if that course happened to be Tiger Woods's secret S&M room. I'd rather not describe it in too great a detail. I'll just say that X-Force fans should have nothing to complain about.

It all goes pretty well for the most part and by well I mean exceedingly violent and brutal. But the brutality takes only a mildly unexpected turn when the Hand shows up. Seeing as how Wolverine and Domino screwed them over too, it's practically a given they'll show up to get a piece of the action. They're willing to overlook the fact that the Assassins are still technically enemies. Even though the Hand and the Assassins were butchering each other as recently as last issue, they're still ninjas. They have their priorities and they're willing to actually drop their weapons so that the Assassins can finish the job. It's merely an issue of who they want to make suffer more, Wolverine and Domino or the Assassins. Since Wolverine and Domino fucked on top of money they were after, that pretty much settles it.

So it looks like they're screwed. They got the Hand on one side and the Assassins on the other. Both are looking to kill them and fuck on top of their corpses the same way they fucked on top of their money. But that would mean ending the blood and violence, which seems to be Kyle and Yost's least favorite activity. So while Wolverine and Domino stand prone like a deer staring into the grill of a speeding Hummer, the readers are reminded that this book is called X-FORCE Sex and Violence and not Wolverine and Domino: Sex and Violence. Ignoring for a moment that the latter title sounds more like a bad porno, this is still a team book and as such the X-Force team that Kyle and Yost have painstakingly developed over the past few years show up and finally contribute. Yeah, it took them three issues, but at least they aren't completely AWOL.

The violence resumes so all those trying to maintain a state of blood lust can relax. With the rest of the team's backing, the Assassins and the Hand are the paint and X-Force are those goofy guys on the Home Depot commercial demonstrating how easily paint spreads on old walls with the new Veldspar selection (Home Depot, if you're reading this please send the check to that PO box I forwarded you). There's impalement, stabbings, shootings, and some creative use of teleportation. It's not as drawn out as the earlier scenes with Wolverine and Domino, but it covers all the gruesome details one would expect from X-Force. In the end, Belladonna is left defeated and utterly screwed. They don't kill her. X-Force shows some mercy to prove they're somewhat heroic. But Wolverine makes his point. Belldonna has to drop this or get humiliated in a way that 1000 bad youtube videos can't match. She doesn't say it, but she seems to get the message.

So the violence is finally over and as always there are a few pages dedicated to a resolution, watered down it may be after so much action. It consists mainly of Wolverine yelling at everybody, mostly X-23 who he didn't want in X-Force to begin with. Apparently he didn't approve of some of their tactics, which would be like Barry Bonds giving a speech about the negative impact of steroids. It's a scene that's played out in X-Force before and since this seems to take place before the events of Second Coming (Vanisher is still alive) it's a nice way to link things up. However, the kicker comes when a news report details how an anonymous doner gave 200 million dollars to a Japanese orphanage. Since that doesn't amount to all the money Wolverine and Domino stole and humped on, Wolverine is pissed.

When he goes out to confront her he brings up the fact that 37 million dollars that is missing from that donation she was supposed to make. She replies in a calm, sexy way that most men would agree is worth every penny. She not only offers Wolverine a new car and another chance to bone her six ways until the next ice age, she even threw Razorfist (who they beat the shit out of in a previous issue) in the trunk. It's not clear what the resolution is or if Wolverine takes Domino up on her offer. He would be the dumbest comic character outside the Clone Saga if he refused, but he doesn't say no. They drive off in a final scene, like a cowboy into the sunset. Only in this scene it may be implied that while Wolverine is driving, Domino is giving him the stick shift special. It would be a fitting way to end a book called Sex and Violence. With so much violence throughout the final issue, there has to be a little sex to balance it all out. After the steamy scenes of the previous issue, this is a nice and provocative way to bring it together.

So there you have it. Craig Kyle and Chris Yost's final issue of X-Force. It's been a violent, blood stained, and slightly semen stained ride. But it's over now. X-Force will continue, but under Rick Remender's pen. It's not clear whether or not he'll live up to Kyle and Yost's legacy, but there's no question that he won't match their style. X-Force has been one of those books that didn't catch my interest at first, but as it unfolded with each issue it got better and better. That's rare with most comics, which always seem to start off with a bang only to fizzle out faster than Vanilla Ice's music career. X-Force was a great ride and while it's sad to see Craig Kyle and Chris Yost step down, this book definitely has them doing so on a high note.

There aren't a lot of criticisms to add for the final issue. It is a bit unclear when this happens in the scope of X-Force other than the fact it seems to happen before Second Coming. It's also not clear why Logan was yelling at X-23 at the end and just what he and Domino end up doing with that money and that car. There's probably already some fanfiction writer out there doing a story with them fucking over the hood, which probably wouldn't be all that inappropriate in a book like this. But it being left so open, it doesn't feel nearly as complete.

These are all minor compared to the grand scope of the book. It's the last issue for Craig Kyle and Chris Yost damn it! That puts me in a giving mood. So for the final issue of their landmark run, I send it off with a perfect 5 out of 5. Thank you Kyle and Yost! You filled the lives of fanboys everywhere with violence, gore, nudity, and cleavage! On behalf of X-fans everywhere I deem thee awesome and bid you a fond farewell! Excelsior!

Brightest Day #9 - Fiery Awesome

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Astonishing X-men #35 - Done With (Some) Style

Last time I reviewed Astonishing X-men, I spent most of the review pissing and moaning about how much the delays hurt this book and how obsolete this title had become since Joss Whedon left. Well I can't promise anybody I won't do more pissing and moaning here. When it comes to comics called Astonishing X-men, there are some very high standards. The bar is so high that most writers would be lucky to get over with only moderate trauma to the balls. Warren Ellis isn't most writers though and for what's it's worth, he's managed to carry this title through the agonizing delays and the utter lack of continuity between this book and the rest of the X-books. As far as I know the events of this book actually take place before the Utopia arc if not sooner. A lot of shit has happened since then and you almost have to have a touch of amnesia to get the same impact from this title. However, the pissing and moaning may finally be able to stop because this issue marks the end of the eXogenic arc. It's taken way longer than any decent comic should, but it's finally ending.

Now before I get into the action review here's a recap for those whose memory have trouble keeping up with delays or you just happen to smoke too much pot (or both, just saying). The X-men have been chasing a new brand of sentinels that were made from the dead bodies of their old enemies. The last issue revealed that this data was actually hacked from Beast's computer. After a string of awkward moments, the team followed the trail to a ship and from that ship it led them into a mountain (I know it probably would have been easier to just go to the mountain, which leads me to assume they were just trying to hoard airline miles or something). Inside that mountain was a shit ton of giant creatures that could have been Godzilla's prison bitch. These creatures are what's standing between them and confronting the asshole behind it all, Kaga. Yeah, it's not the darkest sounding name, but for the creatures he made his name could be Felicity Toriscockoff and he would still command respect.

The issue picks up where the X-men left off, which was basically somewhere between the armpits and ass crack of these over-sized creepy crawlers. Since there wasn't a four month delay this time, it feels a little smoother. There's not much the X-men have to fight against this shit. They got their powers and a kick-ass plane. Now they could use both and make for an exceptionally awesome and creative moment, but I guess that sort of thing was reserved for Joss Whedon. Instead, they go with the old using-the-flames-of-the-jet routine. It may not sound like a really heroic stand, but with the way it's drawn it still looks fucking awesome.

It can't be too lame if it works. The next few pages are spectacles that combine the awe-inspiring display of fireworks with the guilty pleasure of watching something explode like a beer keg stuffed with C4 (not a good idea to do in back yard while drunk mind you). Now usually in a comic the explosion is enough. Most readers would be content just seeing something blow up in the same way a guy will see a chick flick so long as it means seeing a certain number of breasts. But there is one small detail to this plan the X-men put together. They set the damn place on fire, but that means they'll get burned too. It's one of those little things that good writers like Warren Ellis take into account. In this Cyclops gambles that Kaga isn't completely retarded and has an emergency exhaust vent (which looks suspiciously like the thermal exhaust port on the Death Star) that's just small enough for them to fly through.

This daring escape is followed by a fairly rough ride that leaves the X-jet in the kind of ruin that Lehman Brothers would be proud of. I'm guessing they have that thing insured because they aren't too broken up about it being as air-worthy as a brick. That or maybe it has more to do with some nameless armed guards coming in to watch the fireworks. Seeing as how the team just emerged from setting ablaze a shit ton of giant Godzilla-esque monsters the prospect of facing nameless guards must seem pretty bland to them. Seriously, how many of these guys have they taken down over the years? Even Barry Bonds couldn't ballpark that figure.

The fight doesn't last nearly as long as the escape from the monster den and rightfully so. Why should a bunch of stiff who don't even say anything give them more trouble than a pack of D&D ripoffs? They're not completely without their use though. As they kick their asses, Emma Frost finally does more than play the part of Cyclops's arm candy and extracts some valuable information from one of the guards. She doesn't give specifics. She only saves those for the bedroom as indicated by a brief S&M quip. She just tells Cyclops to look up and shoot and this time it's in a completely non-sexual way (or so it seems).

From here the X-men venture up. At this point Storm finally does something other than stand around and fill in Marvel's obligatory racial quota. She uses her powers to guide the X-men up through the complex and past more guards. Again, nobody says much. A lot of the witty remarks are left for Cyclops, Emma, and Wolverine. The past few issues have left Storm a glorified background character, which is actually a shift if your memory is still working because she had a lot more to say early on in this arc. You get the sense Ellis is going out of his way to make others shine or simply can't come up with anything worth-while for Storm to say. I refuse to believe a guy as talented as him would simply render Storm that useless. Her marriage to Black Panther already accomplished that.

Once up through the various levels, the X-men finally come face-to-face with the asshole behind this whole excessively delayed arc. With a name like Kaga it's hard to expect something big and Earth-shattering. If his name was something like Dicksmash McIroncock or Max Killmonger then maybe the expectations would be a little higher. That's probably a good thing because when the readers finally get a glimpse of the guy, they don't find the kind of evil super-genius that usually is associated with giant monsters. They see a withered old man who looks like he was on the wrong end of a gypsy curse from a Stephen King novel.

Enter Kaga, a mutant like the X-men. No really, he is a mutant. He's just not the pretty, Hollywood style mutant that graces the cover of Time Magazine and saves the world. His story isn't your typical evil super-villain. His mother survived the Hiroshima atomic bomb and as a result, he was born with the kind of deformities that would make the Elephant Man cringe. Yet he is still a mutant. He still calls himself a child of the atom. He stands in stark contrast to the glamorous image the X-men portray.

It's not the most unexpected twist for the book, but it does have some profound implications. The next few pages have Kaga basically whining about how the X-men have it so easy. Their mutations didn't cause their parents to retch every time they reached for them. He actually was given hope when he heard about the X-men. He thought he would find a place to belong. Unfortunately, he has perfect eyesight. When he saw the X-men and how pretty they all looked, that was like being told he won the anti-lottery where instead of a huge sum of money he would have the pain of being kicked in the balls inflicted on him to the value of several million. If every asshole needs a reason to be upset, this would be a pretty damn good one.

From here on out there's no more action. There's just talking. That's not a terribly bad thing because one of Warren Ellis's greatest strengths is that he can write awesome dialogue. However, it still lacks the punch because there's no final showdown. There's no last desperate attack from Kaga. Cyclops and the others are certainly inclined to slug him one for the bullshit he put them through. Instead, they opt for Magneto level cruelty. Kaga wants them to kill him because his life is shit and he doesn't fit in anywhere. Instead, they just plan to arrest him and give him the top notch medical care he neither wants nor deserves so that he lives a long life as a monster. I don't know if that's heroic or mean, but it's pretty damn cold.

Kaga's response is perfectly understandable. I would be pissed too if I found out someone was going to keep me alive when I was suffering and wanted to end it all. It's why I always have Jack Kavorkian on speed dial just in case. He tries to tempt them further by doing yet another cliched super-villain tactic. He pushes 'the button.' And no I don't mean the button that opens the secret passage way leading to the guys porno stash (that would be much better hidden). I mean the button that is supposed to cause a huge explosion that essentially gives the finger to the X-men.

This would have been a perfect moment for another epic escape montage. For a series like Astonishing X-men, it would be fitting because it's always been defined by the best kind of action. Sadly, that doesn't happen here. The most intense action that happens form this point on is Wolverine punches Kaga and knocks him out. That's pretty unfair. Wolverine is a self-healing killing machine. Kaga is a crippled old guy with the frailty of James Dobson's and Pat Robertson's sensibilities. It's an inglorious way to end the conflict even if it does work.

After this, there's not much else. Just a few more witty remarks about Cyclops wanting to set Wolverine on top of a bomb and that's it. There's no escape. There's no hint of what that button Kaga pushed does. The story just ends. It's like ending a movie before Angelina Jolie gets naked or before Bruce Willis kills the last bad guy. It feels...incomplete.

So what can be said about Astonishing X-men that hasn't already been said to this point? The arc is finally over after yet another round of painful delays. It's a good thing that Ellis seems to put in the same effort Joss Whedon did when he was writing the title. Whenever an issue finally does come out it's never half-assed. However, the weak ending makes all those delays seem all the more unnecessary. It feels like "We waited all that time for this? And it doesn't even fit into the recent events of Utopia and Second Coming? What the fuck?" I get that Astonishing is supposed to be it's own thing that doesn't directly play into what's going on in the other comics. But when it's not put into a context it feels like that non-adorable and slightly autistic step-child of the Brady Bunch. It's hard to really feel the impact when it doesn't even affect anything. Part of the appeal of these comics is watching these characters grow. In a book like this they can't do much growing.

Even so, this book has plenty to praise. Nothing should be taken away from the theme set up by Kaga. In a ways he's a real mutant because most mutants in real life and even parts of comics are deformed and downright ugly at times. The X-men with all their beauty and sexuality are the real freaks. They seem to forget how lucky they are when it comes to the genetic lottery and there's a good message there. It gives a nice raw feel that makes the reader remember that this is a Warren Ellis book and Warren Ellis books always kick a certain amount of ass.

Since the other X-men books have gone through so much in the time this arc has been delayed, I can't really condemn it nor can I praise it. Astonishing X-men is still a good read for those who don't want to deal with having to catch up on all the bullshit that's been going on in the other comics. The story won't blow you away like a million bucks at a strip club in the Czech Republic would. It'll at least tell a decent story. So for that I give Astonishing X-men #35 a respectable 3 out of 5. It's not ground breaking, but it's the kind of quality you want and expect from Warren Ellis. Nuff said.