Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #4

There comes a point where trying to do something too much has the opposite effect. While this may not work for endeavors like masturbation, it can happen in an ambitious comic book arc. There's no question that Marvel was going to make a lot of buttholes clench when they revealed that the Maximoff twins weren't fathered from Magneto's nutsack. It is a bullshit retcon and I think they understand that on some levels. But they also understand that we're okay with bullshit retcons if the stories that follow are awesome. The success of the Winter Soldier is proof of that.

The same really can't be said with the post-AXIS narrative in Uncanny Avengers. It did the right thing by focusing on Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch looking for answers on their true origins. However, that's one of the few things this story has done right. It's tried to tell other stories about the High Evolutionary, Vision, Dr. Voodoo, and Sabretooth. These stories have been more forgettable than a Paul Blart movie. It's not that the ideas are bad. It's just that there are so many fucking stories unfolding at once and I can only stand to stay sober for so many of them. Uncanny Avengers #4 makes an effort to try and bring them together. It succeeds only in part.

However, it succeeds in the most critical part in that it answers the burning question that triggered this whole story. Who are the true parents of the Maximoff twins? Well, the answer is as underwhelming as it blunt as it is underwhelming. The High Evolutionary, who captured the twins in the last issue, tells them what they came to discover. He doesn't make them beg for it. He doesn't tease them with riddles or whatever shit the Batman villains are doing these days. He just tells them with the same crass demeanor that I would use when I tell the barista at Starbucks that they got my order wrong.

It's nothing out of a Tolken novel or anything. It turns out that the High Evolutionary just abducted the Maximoff twins as infants, as a baby-napping asshole is prone to do. Then he did some experiments that gave them powers. It wasn't enough. So in his disappointment, he returned them to their parents, which he implies are the Maximoffs. That's it. That's their secret origins. They're not mutants or Inhumans. They're just the High Evolutionary's failed experiments. It's as bland as it sounds. It still has an impact on the twins, but it's hardly satisfying in that it still doesn't make the retcon any less shitty. It really couldn't, given the vast history between the twins and Magneto. It's still not an excuse. And if excuses can't get you out of a traffic ticket, it doesn't warrant a retcon.

This revelation is the most concise part of the story at this point. And because it's so bland, it's easy to skip the part where the twins whine about it. There's still a shit storm going on. The High Evolutionary sent one of his perverse experiments that wasn't a disappointment to deal with it. Her name is Luminous and she looks like she got locked in a tanning booth. That still doesn't stop her from kicking an unholy amount of ass.

She was the one that subdued the Maximoff twins. She's also tasked with subduing the attack by the Low Evolutionary, who tried to help the twins. Their reward for being so helpful is getting their asses handed to them by someone who has the power of a mentally stable Scarlet Witch. She also has the benefit of not having an annoying, whiny brother to distract her. So in that sense, I can see why the High Evolutionary likes her more than Wanda. She's still a raging sociopath, but she still comes off as less likely to go crazy and commit mass genocide with a sentence fragment.

That's not to say the battle is completely unbalanced. Sabretooth finally does something that doesn't involve being the Uncanny Avenger's glorified pet. Like the Maximoff twins, he was manipulated by the High Evolutionary as well. He finally got sick of that shit and decided to fight back. He's able to cop a feel on Luminous and rough up the High Evolutionary's forces in ways that would make Wolverine at least somewhat proud. He'd still probably want to punch Sabretooth in the balls, but an inverted Sabretooth would probably forgive him.

It's still somewhat generic, but it helps that we get a little insight into the inverted Sabretooth's mind. He reveals that on some levels, he's still the same brutal psychopath that he's always been. However, he's now able to channel that brutality into something more productive, just like Wolverine. It's not the most in depth insight into an inverted villain's mind we've seen, but it adds a little something extra to a story that really fucking needs it.

We really don't get that kind of insight from anywhere else. Dr. Voodoo is still trying to contribute in a way I'm too stoned to make sense of. Like many of the other characters, he got separated when the Uncanny Avengers traveled to Counter-Earth. And at this point, it's hard to give more than half a shit about his story when he's doing so little.

It was almost as hard to give a shit about Rogue, who has been strapped to a gurney by some guy who looks like a walking cure for constipation. But finally, we get some measure of convergence because the Maximoff twins join her. They didn't spend any more time yelling at the High Evolutionary or demanding to know more about what he did to them. They just get thrown into the shitty trap where the creepy old guy can torment them too. Again, it's as bland as it sounds. Am I really that stoned or is there a pattern here?

For that reason, it's just as unsurprising when the Maximoff twins decide they've had enough of this creepy old guy and break free. There's really no struggle or cunning to it. They just use their powers in the least spectacular way possible and somehow the old guy still acts appalled. It's poorly detailed and hard to follow. All anyone needs to know is that the twins escape and they manage to free Rogue in the process. She's been stuck in a room with this guy for nearly the entire arc. She's a whole new level of pissed at this point.

Her escape and her taking her frustrations out on this guy still isn't as satisfying as it sounds. She yells at him for silencing Wonder Man, who is still trapped inside her and not because of a bizarre sex accident either. Then Quicksilver knocks him out, telling Rogue he's not worth maiming at this point. He may be right on some levels, but this guy has been about as memorable as an Inspector Gadget villain so it might have helped to see Rogue rough his ass up a bit. Instead, she just lets him go. That's right. She let another creepy old guy live and didn't even debate it. And this is a guy who may have murdered Wonder Man. Yet Rogue just yells for a moment and shakes it off? I've seen waitresses at restaurants make a bigger deal out of a shitty tip.

There are still other characters in the Uncanny Avengers who have yet to do jack shit since arriving on Counter-Earth. Dr. Voodoo is one, but the Vision is the other. Even though Wanda Maximoff is a big part of this story, he still hasn't been doing shit. Instead, he's spent his time hanging out with a hot new robot chick named Eve that apparently loves him and wants to have robot babies with him. I guess in that respect, I can't blame Vision for opting to spend time with her. She's probably less inclined to go crazy and commit mass genocide as well. Vision's standards really aren't that high at this point.

Not much really comes of this, but it does give Vision a chance to finally decide whether he'll give a shit. Eve basically gives him the same ultimatum that every woman gives the main male character in shitty romantic comedies. Either come with her and be happy or stay and be miserable. This is usually the point in the movie where a shitty Green Day song starts playing, which makes Vision's decision painfully clear. Sure, it might be better in the long run to stay with a hot robot woman capable of creating a superior life with him, but he's still loyal to his friends. He's admirable in that sense, but it's still a moment that lacks any sense of emotional weight.

The most emotionally satisfying part of the story we get at this point comes from Luminous kicking ass. She may look like a football that Tom Brady tried too hard to under-inflate, but she knows how to torment her enemies. She finally manages to turn the tide on Sabretooth. She doesn't opt to just snap his neck either, which really wouldn't amount to much in terms of impact. Remember, this is a guy who got fucking decapitated and still survived. So she opts for something better and decides to use her powers to age him to Old Man Logan type status. It's creative, I'll give her that. But it's still Sabretooth. Even when he's inverted, it's hard to know who to root for so I usually root for the character with the nicer rack.

The High Evolutionary stops Luminous just before she could make Sabretooth dependent on depenz and boner pills for the rest of his life. He's still a guy who hates to throw away perfectly good genetic material. He's a psychopath, but he's not a wasteful psychopath.

Being environmentally friendly still doesn't earn him any points with Rogue or the Maximoff twins. They finally show up to join the battle. They're finally starting to meet up with the rest of the team against the chief architect of this douche-baggery. I admit it is at least somewhat satisfying to see more of the Uncanny Avengers converge around the High Evolutionary. It's still hard to get very excited at this point without the aid of really good blow. But if it means Rogue and the Scarlet Witch have a chance to be BFFs again and kick someone's ass, I'm willing to get on board with that.

The High Evolutionary still has to flex his douche-baggery. He still has an entire fucking planet full of his creations to fight for him. This even includes an army of Groot ripoffs that rise up from the ground and surround the team. However, this isn't as daunting as it seems. One of them happens to be Captain America, who has also been doing jack shit since he showed up on Counter-Earth. Somehow and in ways that were not at all detailed, he managed to break control of these Groot rip-offs and join his friends. So the Uncanny Avengers are getting close to full strength again. It's just been so slow and bland at this point that I couldn't get worked up about it even if I were sober.

It took it's sweet fucking time, but this story is finally starting to come together in a meaningful way. Granted, it's past that point in a porno where there's a viable boner to work with and the convergence is still sloppier than drunk monkey in a shit-throwing contest, but it's still partially coherent. We have an explanation about the Maximoff Twins finally. It's still more bland than Dick Cheny's facial expression, but it does fulfill a key purpose for the story. We now know the true origin of the Maximoff Twins, at least until the next bullshit retcon. That's really the only thing this issue accomplished, but at least it accomplished the most important part of the story.

Besides that, this is a story that leaves a metric fuckton to be desired. The struggle between the Low Evolutionary and the High Evolutionary wasn't all that epic. The struggles with Sabretooth were a little more enjoyable, but still fairly bland. The biggest problem with this issue is that despite what it accomplished, the story has been so choppy and dragged so much that there's little emotional weight to it at this point. There's no emotional hit for the Maximoff Twins or anyone for that matter. It's valid, but it's unsatisfying. Like me getting a rejection letter from Harvard Law School, it offers no surprise. This isn't a bad issue in terms of the big picture, but it is very forgettable. I give Uncanny Avengers #4 a 5 out of 10. It's not going to make anyone's head's explode. It's not going to give Lewis Black another aneurism. It's just going to answer a question that most have stopped giving a shit about. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #4 - Propoganda-Filled Awesome

I try not to read too deeply into my comics. I'm not the kind of guy who will claim that Iron Man is a metaphor for Atlas Shrugged, mainly because Paul Ryan hasn't admitted to jerking off to it in the past. I'm also not one to argue that Batman: The Dark Knight was a metaphor for President Bush's policies of fuck-the-Constitution-let's-kill-bad-guys policies. When I read comics, I see male models and female porn stars kicking ass in awesome stories. But I understand comics can have a deeper meaning like any other form of literature.

That said, I'm really not sure what the deeper meaning of Uncanny Avengers is so far other than Nazis are assholes and so is Havok. This series from Rick Remender and John Cassaday was billed as the alpha dog of the Marvel NOW! relaunch. Aside from frustrating delays, it hasn't really done too much to establish itself in the new status quo other than assemble a rather hasty collection of X-men and Avengers just in time to see the Red Skull return. That's not to say it hasn't be awesome in its own right. A book that involves Nazis digging up the body of a fresh corpse and ripping out the brain is something that is meant to let you know that some serious shit is happening. The problem is that this book still feels too much like just another team book and not like a new series that involves a genuinely new team.

Uncanny Avengers has been slow at time, but Rick Remender raised the stakes in the previous issue when the Red Skull and his new team of bigots/Rush Limbaugh fans, the S-men, confronted the new X-Avengers in a big way. Armed with Charles Xavier's telepathy, the Red Skull began turning ordinary citizens against one another in a way not seen since Karl Rove was running George W. Bush's re-election campaign. He did such a good job of controlling the minds of others that he managed to make Thor his ideal Aryan agent of fuck-all-inferior-races. So if this really is supposed to be a new team, they're demonstrating the kind of incompetence you won't find outside of the post office or AT&T's tech support.

With the team pretty roughed up, the challenge now falls upon the douchy shoulders of Havok. He was anointed the leader of the team by Captain America and already he’s showing why his brother got to hook up with the hot telepaths and he didn't. Uncanny Avengers #4 has him wounded and severely concussed while the Scarlet Witch is left to take on a mind-controlled Thor, who the Red Skull mind-fucked into becoming his Aryan superman/bitch. It’s a very volatile fight between two obscenely powerful characters. One fucks reality on a whim. One has a big ass hammer that isn’t a metaphor for his dick. It’s a battle Havok has no business being in, especially while injured and concussed. But since he was tasked by Captain America to try and compensate for what a dick-cheese his brother was, he doesn’t have the option being the same whiney little bitch.

In a move that gives the finger to the NFL’s concussion policies, Havok flexes his nuts and helps the Scarlet Witch by hitting him with a healthy dose of cosmic ass-kicking. It’s nowhere near enough to subdue the freakin’ God of Thunder and he admits this. At the very least, it shows that Havok is capable of stepping up when his own teammates are being used against him. For the more inept leaders, they would just whine about how their enemy is not playing fair. Back in grade school, we referred to those people as “easy targets” in dodge ball. While this shot allows Havok to better coordinate with the Scarlet Witch, the Red Skull isn’t even mildly annoyed as he continues to mind-fuck regular people into brutalizing others for reasons that only registered members of the KKK can understand.

But the Red Skull doesn’t just use his talents to mind-fuck living gods into doing his bidding. He’s a fucking Nazi. If he’s not going for overkill with his douche-baggery, then he’s spitting in the face of the Furor. Instead, he opts to just mentally fuck with Captain America’s treasured ideals about America and democracy by using his psychic talents to paint a painfully vivid picture that most won’t see outside of a typical reality TV show. He talks of creating an eternal Riche, peaceful and orderly, while pointing out that the America he treasures has failed. He says that by rallying humans against mutants, they elevate the common man to something greater than the random bag of flesh he is. And if Captain America rallies with them, then ruling over them will be as easy as Mitt Romney winning the Mormon vote.

Traditionally, nobody bothers to let Nazis try and justify their lust for carnage. Most people don’t give a shit. They see a Nazi and treat them the same way they are treated in Call of Duty or Indiana Jones movies. They’re target practice. But Rick Remender isn’t content with just making the Red Skull an unapologetic asshat like he’s often portrayed to be. He actually gives the Red Skull a vision and it’s not a vision of 24/7 Hitler worship. He wants to create a more orderly world and mutants are the enemy to that order. It’s a very Nazi-like thing to do, scapegoating a minority. But the vision is not inherently evil. It’s the methods of getting it that makes you want to throw his ass in a Call of Duty game and empty a machine gun into his cranium.

Thanks to his Xavier-level telepathy, the Red Skull has Captain America subdued without lifting a finger. Havok and the Scarlett Witch realize this and figure they need to do something before he gets bored and starts making Cap do Nazi themed porn. There’s still the matter of Thor being in their way and still being mind-fucked. But the Scarlett Witch finally decides it’s time to step up her game and start making up for the whole mutant genocide shit that led to Avengers vs. X-men in the first place. This involves her going the extra mile and hexing Thor’s godly ass into the exosphere. It’s a nice demonstration of how powerful she is, but she’s still a long ways away from being that crazy bitch that nearly wiped out an entire species with a sentence fragment.

And while Havok is taking his sweet time helping the team he’s supposed to be leading, the Red Skull continues to mind-fuck Captain America by vividly pointing out what a shitty place America has become. He describes the culture as greedy, gluttonous, lazy, and wasteful. He basically read the entire first chapter of Ann Coulter’s last book to him. All the while, he’s making Captain America watch as he mind-fucks other civilians into maiming one another. The main point of his message is that the America he idealizes has failed and this is not the shit he fought for.

Let me say right now that I hate Nazis every bit as much as I hate murderers, pedophiles, bigots, and Rick Santorum speeches. I am not in any way making a pro-Nazi statement on this blog or in any of the drunken ramblings I write. But the Red Skull does have a point here and it’s a point that Rick Remender articulates beautifully. The America that Captain America fought for is not the same America he idealizes. All that greed, waste, and bullshit is very real. I look at shit like Congress, terrorism, reality TV, and boy bands and think to myself “This is America?” The Red Skull is not wrong for pointing out the flaws in America and Rick Remender is not wrong for giving the Red Skull a justification for his Hitler-loving bullshit. It helps give a deeper perspective of this unapologetically evil son of a bitch. That perspective won’t make you hate him any less, but at least he has a reason for being such a dick.

Eventually, the Red Skull is knocked off the soap box with help from Rogue and Havok. Rogue, who was completely MIA up to this point in the issue, shows up to reveal that she took the power of one of the S-men to turn off the Red Skull’s telepathy. This allowed Havok to hit him with another blast and I imagine few blasts are more satisfying than one that hits a Nazi. The Red Skull responds by mind-fucking Havok into fighting Rogue for him, but it distracts him long enough to allow Captain America to shrug off his Nazi propaganda and proceed with beating the shit out of him.

It’s classic Cap and a great “America! Fuck yeah!” moment. But the Red Skull isn’t one of those villains that will just throw himself into a battle and wait for it to beat him to death. He’s a Nazi and Nazis love to escape so they can live long enough to keep fucking with minorities. That’s exactly what the Red Skull does, using one of his S-men to transport him away before Captain America can beat that stolen brain out of his school. The whole concept of the villain escaping the hero may be old as fuck, but if it means more battles like this than I’m perfectly fine with it. Especially if it means more Nazis getting their asses kicked over a longer span of time. Like a session with a hooker, you want that shit to last.

With the Red Skull gone, everyone is freed from his mind-fuck. That includes the countless people who were turned into a blood-thirsty hate mob that would soak the panties of Ann Coulter. They’re all understandably horrified at what they just did. So is Thor when he picks up a very wounded Wolverine, who like Rogue was pretty much just a prop in the battle. Havok, still trying to prove that he can be the same leader as his brother without boning hot telepaths, gives a little speech. It’s basically ripped off from the “It’s not your fault,” speech by Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Then again, I’m not sure if being mind-controlled into committing a crime is a valid legal defense in the Marvel universe. So it wasn’t all that moving, but at least Havok tried to contribute something to the battle when in the grand scheme of things he didn’t do dick with his first opportunity as a leader.

I could probably right several pages worth of criticisms for Havok if I had enough time and a few cases of hard liquor, but I’ll save that for another review. In the end my criticisms of Havok don’t mean dick because later on Captain America gives him his seal of approval. And Captain America has way more credibility than a drunk like me. It makes for a fairly standard epilogue where he tells Havok that he can be the leader they need while the Red Skull is on the loose. This whole series began with Cap setting out to choose a new leader to replace the tainted image of Cyclops. And I guess by that standard, he succeeded because Havok has shown he can step up. But he’s still not as good as his brother. At least he can boast he boned both Emma Frost and Jean Grey whereas Havok only got to bone Jean's batshit crazy clone.

We also see some resolution with other members of the team. The Scarlet Witch tries to make amends with Rogue after being a complete bitch to her in previous issues. Rather than forgive and become BFFs, Rogue says she still hates her. However, she’ll stay on the team just to make sure she doesn’t fuck reality again. Wolverine is still more wounded than a guy who went 25 rounds a meth-addicted Mike Tyson, but Thor drops by to let him know their new team has become mainstream. He also tries to give the “It’s not your fault” speech regarding Charles Xavier, but at this point I’m sure even Robin Williams would say that shit is old.

Thankfully, the story doesn’t end with the “It’s not your fault” shit. Instead, Rick Remender gives us a brief glimpse into the future in terms of what we can expect. I’m not sure if this is a preview or yet another apocalyptic future for the Marvel universe, but it involves Havok, Sunfire, and the Scarlett Witch running away from Nimrod sentinels run by Tony Stark and confronting a Red Skull and brain-less Charles Xavier in the form of Onslaught. That’s how fucked mutants are now that the Red Skull is back. They have to deal with motherfucking Onslaught. We thought his ass was buried all the other 90s shit like the Spice Girls, dial-up internet, and the Macarana. But it looks like he may be back and mutants may be fucked yet again. So I guess Captain America’s commitment to coordinating with mutants didn’t last.

When Uncanny Avengers was first announced/excessively hyped, it was billed as a different kind of Marvel book. If I were drunk, I would be more inclined to get excited about that. But when I’m sober, I can’t help but wonder how the premise of an Avengers/X-men team-up is any different than your typical team-up book. There have been so many over the years by Marvel, DC, Image, and damn near every other medium that the concept has become too bland for the sober mind. Now maybe it’s because I was somewhat stoned when I read this, but I think it’s safe to say that this issue and this first arc of Uncanny Avengers succeeded at least partially.

One of the lessons Captain America learned after the events of Avengers vs. X-men (in addition to not letting Tony Stark shoot their problems with big ass guns) was that occasional team-ups with mutants just aren’t going to cut it. He began this arc by recruiting Havok to be the face of the new team. And while he was a total dick and clumsy as fuck for most of this issue, he proved he can get the job done. He also proved that there is some merit to this team and it can work beyond being just another casual team-up. They can’t just coax around one another like every NFL player does at the Pro Bowl. They need to work together if they’re to take on threats like an Xavier-powered Red Skull.

Uncanny Avengers #4 proved that the proof of concept behind this series works, but as an individual comic it was inconsistent. The big fight with the Red Skull was clumsy at times and there were too many instances of characters just being thrown into the mix. It was like throwing a bag of weed into cake batter without stirring it. It’ll still make the cake, but not everyone who eats it will get high.

But what this comic lacked in consistency it made up for in details. Rick Remender showed the kind of gritty details in this issue that helped make Uncanny X-Force an enema of consistent awesome. The narration bits were very well-done and added an element of drama to the struggle. And the Red Skull’s Glen Beck-style rant was beautifully crafted. He seemed less like the typical evil Nazi and more like the kind of guy who listens to Rush Limbaugh too intently. He established the Red Skull as a different kind of threat and one that will definitely be fucking with the team in the future.

I’m still exceedingly disturbed at how valid some of the Red Skull’s points were, but in the end this issue made me more confident on the future of this book. It didn’t just help establish the Red Skull as a threat. It established some of the personal conflicts that this team will face. We have Havok’s inept leadership that will likely leave him pissing and moaning about his brother. We have Rogue hating the Scarlet Witch with a passion, yet still showing a willingness to share a pack of tampons with her. We also have Captain America trying hard not to make the same dick moves that lead to Avengers vs. X-men. Then there’s Onslaught. Fuck, we have to deal with Onslaught again. Like I need another reminder of how much the 90s sucked. But I suppose it could’ve been much more fucked up in a comic that involves Nazis and brain surgery.

Uncanny Avengers #4 firmly established this series as having a unique and appealing theme. It nicely capped off the end of the first arc, which didn’t exactly start out very strongly in the first place. It offered a perfect blend of action and drama. True to Rick Remender’s talents, he’ll blow shit up while making you shed a few tears. It’s a feeling you won’t get without a case of imported fireworks and several bottles of tequila. I give Uncanny Avengers #4 a 4 out of 5. All you need to know about the future of Uncanny Avengers is it involves Nazis, racism, and violent uprisings. And unlike the paranoid ramblings of Alex Jones, this shit will actually make some sense under Rick Remender’s pen. Nuff said!