Ms. Marvel #1: Nuff Said!

We live in an era where feels might as well be currency. There's a generation of kids who have gone to schools who will suspend your ass if you so much as hug someone in public. And pretty much any gesture towards any person of any gender in any situation can be construed as harassment if you're a big enough dick about it. That's what makes Ms. Marvel such a valuable mine for awesome. Kamala Khan has proven to be an ocean of feels. She proved that in the final days leading up to Secret Wars. Now that this multiversal clusterfuck is ending, Ms. Marvel #1 can get back to doing what she does best, giving feels to drunks like me and saving me a fuckton on weed.

So how much has Kamala’s life changed since the 8-month gap? She’s a freakin’ Avenger now. That’s right. A few years ago, she was just a nobody running around Jersey City in a mask. Now she’s fighting alongside Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor. That basically means 8 months is plenty of time for her to become awesome enough to join the Avengers. And she’s still not old enough to drive. She’s basically in the exact opposite position of the X-men. That’s how awesome her life is now.

Unfortunately, high school is still part of that life. She still has a secret identity to keep and friendships to maintain. At the very least, her school was rebuilt thanks to Tony Stark’s deep pockets. Plus, Loki’s golems stuck around. I admit high school would’ve been a lot more interesting if it had golems roaming the halls. Because let’s face it, golems aren’t even in the top 10 in terms of the most stressful shit teens face in high school.

Everything seems to be going well for Kamala. She’s with her friends. One of them is Zoe, who was once the kind of peppy cheerleader type that would get butchered first in every slasher movie. It seems her social life is on the up and up. Then she sees that Bruno, her best friend and the boy she kissed as the world was ending, has a new girlfriend.

As adults, seeing love interests swap spit with others is infuriating enough. For teenagers who live secret lives as Avengers, it’s like a punch in the kidneys while getting root canal by a drunk dentist. Kamala, already dealing with a lot of Avengers-related crap, reacts as well as any we can expect of a teenage girl. By that, I don’t mean she found the nearest pile of dog shit and threw it at him.

She avoids him at first. Eventually, they meet up in class and Kamala makes it clear that she’s pissed off at Bruno. She still exercises more restraint than half the girls in my graduating high school class. The fact that Bruno’s jaw is still intact makes him lucky. It leads to a difficult conversation, but one that is not nearly as hostile as it could’ve been. The fact that no bones are broken and no windows are shattered is a testament to Kamala and Bruno’s maturity.

It’s a painful recurring theme for the life of a superhero. Bruno flat out admitted he was in love with Kamala. They even kissed. Then, he kindly points out to her that she told him outright that she needs to focus on being a hero and not on being someone’s girlfriend. And when he finds someone else to swap spit with, it upsets her. Yeah, it’s the kind of petty jealousy that has existed in every teen movie John Hughes ever made, but they’re teenagers. Being petty and jealous is only a fraction of the overwhelming emotions teenagers experience. Just wait until they start paying taxes.

The conversation is personal and well-done. Then, they get an unpleasant distraction in the form of a billboard featuring Ms. Marvel’s image. Apparently, some yuppie developer used it showcase a fancy new development that appeals primarily to the hipster douche crowd with too much disposable income and an ass too small to kick. Short of a billboard for a cigarette company or for boner pills, I can’t think of a worse way for Ms. Marvel to have her image publicly degraded.

Naturally, she voices her outrage towards some douchey manager who looks like he came crawling out of Gordon Gecko’s anus. It’s just as effective as bitching about it on a message board. He basically explains to her that this development catering to hipster douche-bags is part of a revitalization effort and since Ms. Marvel is an icon and not a trademarked image, they can use it to sell their crap. Is it frustrating and a dick move? Yes. But is it illegal? No. Naturally, it pisses Kamala off even more. Between her friend hooking up with someone new and her image being tainted, this is a shittier day than most school days.

So what’s her response? It’s actually somewhat more meaningful than bitching about it on a message board. She dons her costume, breaks into the building, and finds out that this “revitalization plan” is an even bigger dick move than she thought. They don’t just want to knock over a few dilapidated buildings. They want to build over the entire city, use Ms. Marvel’s image, and presumably jerk off into a pool of orphan tears. They’re already acting like the pool is half-full when they kick out a former tenant. Doing this in front of Kamala, given the day she’s having, I’d say she’s well within her right to shatter a few kneecaps.

However, this isn’t a case of her beating up on a couple of semi-innocent business types. For some reason, these guys are armed with glowing energy sticks that look like they were stolen from Iron Man. They even have the kind of attack drones that I’m sure the Koch brothers use to protect their beach house. So if anyone had any doubts that this was just some simple redevelopment that some people bitched about, go ahead and throw them away along with any notion that hipster douche types have redeeming qualities.

Thankfully, the angry property owner helps her get away. She’s even nice enough to explain that she didn’t give permission for these hipster types to use her image. He believes her. The protesters that have gathered outside the development? Not so much. Oh yeah, that’s also happening, piling even more shit onto what has been a shitty day for both Kamala Khan and Ms. Marvel. Rather than face an angry mob alone, without the aid of the Avengers or a good lawyer, Ms. Marvel decides to shrink and get away. There’s just no reasoning with people who think you’re in league with some hipster douche business type.

She manages to catch up with Bruno and slip into an alley. With a protest going on, you would think that would be an important thing to discuss. But no. They’re teenagers. They first have to talk about who was kissing who and why. Yes, those priorities are fucked up. But again, their teenagers. Who they kiss tends to be as important as who they accept as friends on Facebook.

This is where the story ditches the whole douche-bag developer story and focuses back on Bruno. It’s a bit chaotic, but seriously. Who wants to know more about a douche-bag developer who uses Ms. Marvel’s image rather than dig into the juicy details of Kamala’s personal life? Anyone who answers that question sober knows the choice is obvious.

The way Bruno describes it, his meeting with this girl wasn’t stolen from a Julia Roberts movie. One day, Ms. Marvel is chasing a giant amphibian monster through the streets, which I imagine is basically a worse-than-average rush-hour in Jersey City. In the middle of the shit storm, Bruno’s ass is saved by a girl named Michaela Miller. Apparently, they go to the same school. And now, she’s saved his life. By teenage standards, that basically requires them to dry hump at some point.

There’s a surprising amount of detail put into Bruno’s relationship with this girl. Hell, there’s more detail and depth here than the last two Christopher Nolan movies. It’s almost like G. Willow Wilson put some actual effort into developing these characters. What a concept, right?

It’s somewhat generic, but it keeps drunks like me from making too many assumptions. Without any insight, I would just assume that this girl is a Skrull agent like anyone else that gets caught up in a superhero’s personal life. But even if she is a Srkull, the girl is a very likable person. And Bruno is actually honest with her, telling her about his feelings for Kamala and not keeping it a secret. Most teenagers wait for something to blow up in their face like a shit pie mixed with napalm before they learn keeping secrets is a bad idea. Bruno didn’t wait, showing he’s so mature that he’d NEVER end up on a shitty reality show on MTV.

While letting Kamala know that he’s found someone else is kind of a dick move, Bruno doesn’t make it a bigger dick move than it has to be. There’s a sense of genuine emotion. He makes it clear that he likes this girl and he wants to be happy with her. I’m still not convinced that this girl isn’t a Skrull agent of sorts, but I’m willing to give her a chance. T still means Kamala is going to be miserable for a while, but she’s still a freakin’ Avenger. She’s got what it takes to bounce back. That or she’ll kiss Miles Morales the first chance she gets.

So...is it awesome?

It's Kamala Khan wrestling with being a superhero, being a teenage girl, and being pissed off that her best friend hooked up with someone else. If you can't find awesome in that, then you need to find a better weed dealer. This series, like a Jennifer Lopez's ass in a twerking contest, never misses a beat and never stops being awesome.

It does get a little chaotic, but that's to be expected of every teenage superhero that just joined the Avengers. It even gets a little side-tracked, but it offers details and insight to a story that requires more effort than those other than G. Willow Wilson are willing to give. And unlike the Peter Parkers of the world, Kamala Khan is toughing through this chaos in a way that feels genuine and refreshing. A god-powered Dr. Doom couldn't make her less lovable. What hope does anyone else in Jersey City have?

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Ms. Marvel #19: Nuff Said!

In recent years, Marvel realized something remarkable. They found out that women make up half the population and they actually have money to buy comics. I know. What a fucking concept, right? It’s one of those things that shouldn’t have had to wait until the 21st century, but better late than never I guess. Among Marvel’s efforts to appeal to the less masculine sex, Ms. Marvel has been its biggest success story. And Ms. Marvel #19 shows why. Sure, it takes place before the world ends during Secret Wars, but the Marvel universe ends every other Monday it seems. So does it really matter?

So Kamala’s mother apparently knew that she was Ms. Marvel all along. So does it really matter? Wait a second. She knew? An adult in a comic book about a teenage superhero actually has a functioning brain and can figure out when their child is acting strange? Well wax my balls, stick a feather up my ass, and call me a rooster because that’s another one of those concepts that should’ve happened way before 2015.

Beyond the shocking revelation that parents of teenage heroes can think for themselves, there’s no outrage or anger. There’s just feels…beautiful, glorious feels between a mother and her daughter. And why wouldn’t Kamala’s mother be proud? She raised a daughter who decided to become a superhero with her powers and didn’t need her uncle to get killed. I’m not saying she automatically deserves to be Mother of the Year in the Marvel universe. I’m just saying she’s got a head start.

As for Kamala’s father…well, he’s got a valid excuse. His son and Kamala’s brother just became an Inhuman. And he’s apparently not being very proactive about it. He says he’s going to pray about it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when was the last time prayer solved a problem that involved Inhumans and/or mutants? It’s frustrating, but it doesn’t stop Kamala from embracing her parents. Unlike them, she knows the world is coming to an end. And she’s not going to be an immature brat about it.

Looking at YOU Hope fucking Summers.

She gives her parents time to fume. This gives her time to catch up with Bruno, Ms. Marvel’s unofficial side-kick who badly needs a haircut. She tells him she knows the world is ending and there’s not a damn thing the Avengers can do about it. And when the Avengers are fucked, everyone is fucked. That’s all there is to it. But you know what? If the world is fucked, then they can spend their last day without any regrets. Bruno flat out says that, making him the most honest and sincere guy to ever stand in front of a teenage girl in any capacity in any universe.

He doesn’t need superpowers. He doesn’t need to be Batman either. He just needs to be Kamala’s friend. And hell, that might as well count as a superpower in this series.

Can everybody else seeking shelter in a fucking high school say the same? I doubt it, but we get a nice glimpse of how everybody is dealing. And no, they’re not eating live babies and using the sickly as target practice. They’re being decent human beings, helping one another in what they think is just another Skrull invasion. They don’t know the world is coming to an end, but they’re helping each other. That strange, alien feeling you’re getting in the pit of your stomach…that’s called faith in the human race. We don’t feel it often these days, but when we do it’s like a cold beer on a hot summer day.

Among these people trying to help out everybody is Zoey. Yes, I mean the same Zoey who might as well have been eye-candy in a Revenge of the Nerds movie. She actually takes Kamala aside and apologizes to her. She actually admits she’s jealous of Kamala. Everybody loves Kamala, but they only pretend to love her because she has nice tits. She’s probably the most honest a pretty girl has ever been outside of a divorce hearing. I didn’t think I could respect an spoiled brat like Zoey, but she actually made me like her here.

Again, looking at YOU Hope fucking Summers.

Kamala then catches up with her other friend, Nakia. She hasn’t had many moments to shine in this series, but she has come off as more likable than Zoey, which might not be saying much. But Kamala still goes out of her way to reach out to her. There is some unpleasantness, namely because Kamala didn’t tell her that she got a crush on an oversized sweat stain named Kamran. Granted, she doesn’t know Kamran also happened to be an Inhuman who used his powers to enhance his douche-baggery, but that’s beside the point. A quick Frozen joke and a hug later and they’re still on speaking terms. If the world is ending, the last thing Kamala needs is one of her friends to hate her. It won’t make Kamran’s scrotum collapse, but it’s the next best thing.

So the world is ending. And what do the fine people of Jersey City do? They say, “Fuck it! Let’s throw one last party.” Actually, that might be the healthiest way anyone has ever handled the end of the world. There’s no ritualistic human sacrifice, no crying, and no deep philosophical bullshit. They just party and enjoy their last few moments as best they can. Not gonna lie, I’d probably do the same thing, albeit with a few extra beers in me.

The last great party in Jersey City continues. But as the world ends, Kamala catches up with Bruno one last time. They finally have that chat that usually comes just as the rain starts falling in a shitty chick flick. But there’s nothing crass or contrived about this moment. Hugh Grant doesn’t make some dumb speech. Cameron Diaz doesn’t start crying. Kamala just thanks Bruno for being the best friend in her life. It’s the greatest non-pornographic display of affection two people can have outside a Disney movie.

Then, they both say they love each other. It’s not that “I’ve always loved you” crap that makes up every shitty boy band song ever made. It’s actually sincere. It feels truly genuine. It comes with context as well. Kamala says that right now, being Ms. Marvel has to be her focus, not playing the part of every Jennifer Anniston movie ever. That doesn’t bother Bruno in the slightest. Why would it? It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who feels like he has to control a woman to love her. Wait…that’s actually a thing? Men are capable of that? Well wipe my ass, spit on my face, and call me Ted Haggard. That’s way too reasonable, but it’s so damn fitting I don’t give a shit.

The world finally ends. The incursion finally happens. We all know what happens after that…Dr. Doom, Battleworld, and a fuckton of delays. But if I enter that shit storm after having spent one last day with Kamala Khan, then I’d be okay with that.

So...is it awesome?

Before I answer that, I need a moment to wipe the tears of joy and feels from my eyes. No, that’s not because of alcohol or weed, although that certainly helps. This really is one of those comics where you need to take a moment to soak in all the feels. Everything is so heartfelt and sincere, but it’s still fun and uplifting as Kamala Khan has been since her inception into the Marvel universe. Sure, there’s no epic battles or anything. She doesn’t even don her Ms. Marvel costume, but she doesn’t need to.

This issue dealt with the impact that Ms. Marvel has had on Kamala and her world as a whole. Even though that world came to an end, it’s an impact that hits you in all the right ways. And damn it, you want to keep getting hit. Kamala Khan, I’ve come to trust you with my heart, my balls, and everything in between. I trust you’ll use it wisely in the post-Secret Wars world of Marvel comics.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Ms. Marvel #18

Some combinations just feel so wright. Peanut butter and jelly, Jack and Coke, and Wolverine and Captain America are just a few that come to mind. Well with the current shit storm unfolding in Secret Wars, G. Willow Wilson is trying to add Kamala Khan and Carol Danvers to the mix. And so far, I'm ready to put it in the same category as Jack and Coke. This team-up between Kamala Khan and the idol who inspired her has been brewing for a long time now. And like that first bite into a steak that's been slow-cooking for hours, it's pretty damn delicious. However, the feast isn't over just yet.

The initial meeting between Kamala and Carol was already more memorable than the first time Spider-Man got dumped by a pretty girl. I'm still waiting for Marvel to make an "Everything sucks except for you!" t-shirt. They had a chance to help Kamala's neighborhood before going after her asshole ex-crush who decided that he wasn't a big enough asshole so he abducted Kamala's brother. Now, they've reached him, but they're too late. This creates a pretty volatile situation in Ms. Marvel #18, even as the final incursion is about to destroy the universe. Volatile or not, it still gives me that warm and tingly feelings that I usually get with Jack and Coke.

On the other side of the spectrum, assholes like Kamran give me that cold and stabbing feeling I usually get whenever I receive a letter from the IRS. Carol and Kamala went through a lot of trouble to find his miserable ass in the previous issue, hoping to kick it before he could get his hands on Amir, Kamala's older brother. Unfortunately, they were too late. They arrived just in time to see Kamran give Amir a healthy dose of purified Terrigen Mist. That's like the Inhuman equivalent of moonshine. Unless it's a bachelor party in Kentucky, it's not appropriate for use. For Kamala, this guy just keeps finding ways to warrant his entry into the asshole ex-boyfriend Hall of Fame.

It makes for a tense moment, which Karman utilizes to make himself sound like even more of an asshole. To be fair, he's not so much an asshole as he is uber-pro Inhuman. He wants to prop up those with Inhuman potential the same way the Koch brothers want to prop up the oil industry. So it's not like he's being an asshole just for the sake of it. He does have an agenda and one that's probably going to make him a huge target for X-men fans.

However, the process of making Amir an Inhuman doesn't go as smoothly as he hopes. Kamala and Carol try to warn him that these mists aren't the same mists that Kamala encountered when she got her powers. Being an asshole, he doesn't listen. It leads to Amir manifesting his powers erratically. And by erratically, I mean shit starts glowing and blowing up. It's like a bad LSD trip and a shitty rock concert. While it shuts Kamran up, it makes everything a bit more volatile and it gives Kamala even more reason to worry about her older brother.

The volatility gets so bad that it knocks Kamala and Carol on their asses for a moment. This gives Kamran just enough time to confront Amir. He surmises that his powers are some kind of psychic force fields, which is basically a ripoff of Amanda Sefton's powers. I guess Agents of SHIELD shouldn't be the only thing that rips off X-men these days, but that's besides the point.

What makes this moment powerful (and awesome for that matter) isn't that Kamala rushes into save her brother. She actually doesn't have to. Kamran's plan, in addition to making himself a terrible ex-boyfriend, was to recruit Amir by giving him awesome superpowers. Even I admit that's a pretty awesome recruiting tool. A cult once tried to recruit me by promising I could talk to aliens. I told them unless those aliens have big tits, I'll pass. But Amir can't just brush these powers aside. So what does he do?

He does what anyone who doesn't like assholes would do. He tells Kamran to fuck off in the most polite way possible. But what makes it even more powerful is that he says he doesn't want these powers. He was perfectly happy the way he was before, being this devout young Muslim in Jersey City. And Kamran, along with the Ted Cruzes and Glen Becks of the world, can't wrap his head around how a guy could be happy being that way. But he is. I know a guy who's happy collecting Ninja Turtles toys. Why is that so hard for people to accept?

It leads to a brief, but very satisfying clash. It's actually the first time in this series where Amir establishes himself as someone other than Kamala's devout and overprotective older brother. He's one of those rare characters who really isn't swayed by the promise of new powers. He doesn't want to be changed or have his life upended. He doesn't want to be a superhero or part of some crazy Inhuman cult. He just wants to live his life as he's always lived it. And if someone like Kamran tries to "improve" it in his own fucked up way, then he's going to kick his ass.

Again, it's not a wholly epic fight, but it's a fight that gets across all the right emotions. It's also a fight that makes Amir one of the most likable older brothers anyone will see outside a Full House rerun. Considering how small his role has been to this point, it's both refreshing and satisfying.

While Amir didn't need to be rescued from Kamran, he still ends up needing to be rescued. This guy just got Inhuman powers and beat up his younger sister's ex. That would make any guy exhausted. I think he earned a breather. So after the fight, he passes out. Then, Kamala and Carol carry him back through the chaos of Jersey City and towards the school. Keep in mind, the final incursion is still approaching. The world is still ending. So there's still a hell of a shit storm going on.

They manage to reach the school where they meet up with Bruno, who looks at Carol Danvers the same way I would look at Jennifer Lawrence if she showed up at my front door in a bikini. It's a nice scene and one that allows them to hand off Amir for treatment. But it's also a scene that effectively completes what Kamala and Carol set out to do in their first crossover adventure together. While it wasn't a complete success, they still got to see Kamran get his ass kicked. That alone warrants some level of success.

But with asshole ex-boyfriends out of the way, this means that it's time for Carol and Kamala to part way. Carol still has a role to play in the final incursion and in Secret Wars. And since she's among the few Marvel heroes awesome enough to confront this universe-crushing shit storm, she has to go. But before she leaves, she has a fitting yet overdue heart-to-heart with Kamala.

It's a powerful moment in the sense that she basically tells Kamala that she has earned the right to call herself Ms. Marvel. She gives her old necklace and a hug, which I guess is her way of officially bestowing on her the mantel of Ms. Marvel. It's a great moment, one generation of hero passing the torch onto another generation. Usually, this requires that one generation get shamelessly killed off. But Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel avoided that mess. While the battle against Kamran wasn't quite as epic, the pep talk Carol gives Kamala more than makes up for it. The feels in this scene are every bit as potent as any fight.

So it's really official now. Captain Marvel has passed on her old mantel to Kamala Khan. It took 18 issues, but Kamala used every one of those issues to become more awesome. You can't ask much more of a character aside from kicking Dr. Doom in the balls.

It has all the makings of Kamala Khan's ultimate triumph. She teamed up with her idol, watched her ex-boyfriend get his ass kicked, and earned the blessing of said idol. Then she had to go and have a chat with her brother outside her costume. It goes about as well as the last time I tried to argue myself out of a speeding ticket. At least this time, neither Kamala nor Amir got pepper sprayed.

Amir basically chides her for being involved with Kamran. Then, he chides her for not understanding what it's like to wake up with powers he didn't ask for. The dramatic irony here couldn't be more potent if the entire Eagles offensive line hadn't farted it out. Needless to say, Kamala can't exactly reveal just how much she understands so she opts to just be overly pissed. She's still a teenage girl. That's always a viable option.

She stays pissed, even as her parents catch up with them. There's no heartfelt family reunion just yet. It's more of a bittersweet moment. Kamala's parents are more concerned about Amir than they are with her. They don't know she just teamed up with Captain Marvel and kicked the asses of some Inhumans led by her ex. And it's not like she can tell them any more than I can tell my land lord that my rent money is in a strippers g-string. It's not a pleasant position to be in. Plus, the world is still ending outside so that's not helping her mood.

Eventually, her mother does confront her. But this ends up leading to a moment that almost sobered me up in a way that doesn't usually happen without putting a bag of ice down my pants. Since the world is ending, Kamala decides to come clean to her mother about her powers and her role as Ms. Marvel. After what happened to Amir, it sounds like it would be pouring napalm on a grease fire. Then, Kamala's mother reveals something that makes the end of the world a bit less pressing. She says she already knew Kamala was Ms. Marvel.

Let that sink in for a moment. Kamala's mother knew her daughter was running out at night and being a superhero. And she didn't have a massive seizure like every other parent to every other teenage hero. It's a shocking yet intriguing moment and one that'll make the end of the world for Kamala's family even more memorable.

Since the very first issue of this series, G. Willow Wilson has found all sorts of ways to make me squee at a level not usually seen outside a house full of puppies and kittens. This issue is no exception. Not only did it definitively make a Carol Danvers/Kamala Khan crossover the greatest crossover since Deadpool and tacos. It did so while expanding on the unique family dynamic of the Khan family that has helped make this series so enjoyable. While I would've liked to see Kamran get his ass kicked just a little harder, the sheer breadth of heart in this story and this series makes me feel warm and fuzzy in ways only whiskey and weed have matched.

We all know the world is still going to end. We know that it's going to begin anew with Kamala Khan taking her place in the Avengers. But what this issue did to make that transition more meaningful is have Carol Danvers officially pass the torch. That's the defining moment in this issue and this series as a whole. Carol sees that Kamala is worthy of the title of Ms. Marvel and officially grants her blessing. It's a powerful moment that puts a smile on my face, a boner in my pants, and a cold beer in my hand. I give Ms. Marvel #18 a 9 out of 10. Between Carol Danvers and Kamala Khan, Marvel has found a winning formula for making female heroes awesome without making breasts and butts bigger. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't sobered up and seen it for myself. And the fact that I admit sobering up for it was worth it is a testament to just how potent this formula can be. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Ms. Marvel #17

In the same way every teenager has their awkward coming of age moments, superheroes often go through certain phases. It's not as awkward as popping your first pimple, cutting yourself shaving, or hiding an erection in the middle of algebra class. But it can still be just as daunting. Kamala Khan is still an infant in terms of superhero years, but she's already gone through a number of phases. She's already had her first crossover story with Wolverine. She hasn't gotten to a point where one of Wolverine's enemies tries to kill her to get to him. But like I said, she's still young.

She's in the midst of another important phase. She's facing her first (and probably not her last) end of the world type battle. Between Ages of Apocalypse and Ages of Ultron, this sort of cataclysmic shit storm happens at least once a year in the Marvel universe. Kamala Khan is finding that out first-hand with the lead-up to Secret Wars. But it's not all doom and god-powered Dr. Dooms. Before the world ends, she gets to team up with Captain Marvel, her favorite hero in Ms. Marvel #17. Like going on a date with Jennifer Lawrence the day before the Earth explodes, it's not a bad way to go.

Naturally, Kamala's reaction to Captain Marvel's presence isn't wholly rational. She's not like a teenage girl who unexpectedly meets Justin Bieber. She manages to maintain at least some of her dignity. But one of the first things she says to Carol Danvers is, "Everything sucks except for you!" I don't know who is responsible for merchandising at Marvel, but somebody better have that on a fucking T-shirt by the time I sober up because it's one of the greatest moments in Marvel comics of the past decade and it didn't involve Emma Frost's boobs.

Beyond Ms. Marvel's memorable geek out, it's a great moment that isn't rushed or glossed over. Kamala has spent the past 16 issues establishing that she looks up to Captain Marvel the same way I look up to Jack Daniels. And Carol is remarkably understanding of Kamala's reaction. If I did that with Jennifer Lawrence, I'm pretty sure her body guards would crack my skull. She even approves of Kamala's choice of costume and moniker. For Kamala, that's like me getting a high five from Hugh Hefner. It's a beautiful moment.

Sadly, it's a moment made possible by the end of the fucking world. This is still taking place as an incursion is set to end the Marvel universe and everything in it that Dr. Doom doesn't feel is worth saving, which isn't saying much. Captain Marvel is able to give Ms. Marvel the explanation that others would find too pants-shittingly horrifying to hear. She takes it pretty well in that she doesn't curl up into a fetal position and ask for ice cream.

But Kamala being Kamala, she still wants to help. And she wants to do it without someone having killed her uncle or getting shrapnel in her heart. So yeah, Spider-Man and Iron Man got nothing on her. And Carol Danvers does a nice job of nurturing that lovable altruism that makes Kamala so awesome. She also tells her that nobody is going to come to Jersey City to save her friends and family. They're all focusing on the big fucking universe that's about to collide with theirs. And right now, the only one who can protect this place is Ms. Marvel. And once again, she shows she has balls that put mine to shame and says she wants to keep fighting. Part of that includes kicking the ass of Kamran, the boy who broke her heart and abducted her brother.

Marvel, remember that shirt I mentioned? Yeah, I'm going to need it even sooner.

Since helping her biggest fan is probably more satisfying than waiting for an incursion to destroy the universe, Captain Marvel agrees to help. It's every jaded exes dream, getting a superhero to help them kick the ass of the asshole that shit all over their heart. I'm still waiting for Jean Grey to show up and help me with some of my ex-girlfriends. But for Kamala, the wait is over.

They start making their way across Jersey City in search of Kamran. It's at this point Kamala informs Captain Marvel that she has no fucking clue where he is. She doesn't exactly have SHIELD or NSA resources at her disposal. She's a teenage girl. She has Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. They're close, but they're not going to help her find an evil ex. So they're already at a disadvantage, as is often the case with unexpected team-ups. But unlike most teenagers and adults, Kamala and Carol are not discouraged.

However, coming across looters certainly doesn't help. As they try to figure out how they're going to find an evil ex-crush while the world is coming to an end, they come across a pack of looters that think the end of the world is an excuse to steal shit and dress like idiots. Not saying they're entirely wrong, but it's still a shitty excuse that warrants an ass-kicking.

That's exactly what Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel do. It's not the most epic fight they could have at the end of the world. There's no alien ship crashing into a major city or anything. But it's still pretty damn satisfying. And Ms. Marvel helps set herself apart from other heroes who would just turn them over to the police or render them unconscious. She finds out that these guys are actually electricians. Because I guess being an asshole looter knows no occupation. And instead of roughing them up, she tells them to go to the school where her friends and family are hiding out and help them. It's either that or she uses Wolverine's approach, which she learned earlier in the series.

It may sound cheesy, but it's an amazing moment that goes beyond the whole "good guys kicking the asses of the bad guys" bit that we've seen for the past century. Marvel, I'm going to need that T-shirt even sooner now.

While this clash did side-track them and the plot for a bit, Captain Marvel and Ms. Marvel eventually make their way to the Jersey City Wharf, which is the only clue Ms. Marvel had to work with. Because I guess all villains and evil exes hide out in old warehouses. I think it's a rule or something. Along the way Ms. Marvel geeks out even more, asking all the kinds of questions to Captain Marvel that a lot of us have asked on message boards at one time or another. She doesn't ask about the Hulk shitting or Nick Fury's eye-patch, but she does make clear that she's a fangirl at heart and we love her for it.

But beyond the geek-out, they really don't have much to go on. And remember, the world is kind of ending so SHIELD is busy. Even if Carol flashed Tony Stark her tits, he probably wouldn't be able to help her. He'd do a lot of things, but he couldn't help her. Kamala also explains that in addition to being her ex-crush, Kamran was part of an asshole brand of Inhumans. So kicking his ass isn't going to be easy as kicking the asses of looters, but it'll be a lot more satisfying.

As they start searching, the plot gets side-tracked again. There aren't any looters this time though. Instead, it's kittens. No, I'm not THAT high. I'm serious. They get side-tracked after finding a bunch of kittens that have been left behind in a building. Not saying kittens aren't important, but I'm pretty sure an asshole ex should take priority. Unless that cat is playing a piano, I don't think they should derail a Ms. Marvel/Captain Marvel team-up.

That said, it still makes for a nice, dramatic moment that helps reinforce some of Kamala Khan's most awesome traits. She takes a moment to channel her inner Japanese schoolgirl. Naturally, she wants to save them. But Captain Marvel reminds her that every hero has to learn at some point that they can't save everybody. It's a lesson that's important to learn when the world is ending. It makes for an overly fluffy moment that might or might not bring a tear to your eye. Not going to say what it did to me, but let's just say I now feel bad about feeding that stray cat some of my weed.

When they finally do get back on track, they finally find their first clue towards Kamran's location. Or more accurately, it finds them. One of the asshole Inhumans that Ms. Marvel fought before, Kaboom, decides she's a bit too close to finding them. So what's her solution? Take on Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel by herself. To be fair, I doubt she thought she would have to be facing Captain Marvel. For her, it's like getting into a bar fight with a midget, only to find out that this midget is friends with Mike Tyson. That said, I don't feel bad for her in the slightest. She's helping an evil ex. That disqualifies her from any sympathy whatsoever.

Again, the fight here isn't all that epic compared to the looters, but it's not meant to be. Captain Marvel and Ms. Marvel up against one asshole Inhuman? That's not even a fair fight on paper. It's amazing it lasted as long as it did. And unlike the looters, it's a lot more satisfying when she loses. But this time, Ms. Marvel doesn't give Kaboom a chance to make up for being an asshole. She gives Kaboom a simple choice. Tell her where her brother is or she has to deal with a pissed off Captain Marvel. It would've been less intimidating if she threatened to gouge her eyes out. So fuck yes she's going to cooperate. Hell, she'll probably tell her where her weed stash is as well and how many times she wet the bed as a kid.

They find out where Kamran is and they leave Kaboom behind to shit herself in peace. However, Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel arrive just in time to find out that maybe they shouldn't have gone on that side-quest with the cats. I know cuteness is difficult to resist, but it has consequences. In this instance, the Terrigen Mists are already doing their thing, turning Kamala's brother into an Inhuman. She doesn't listen to her idol's advice that they be careful. For her, saving her brother is right up there with hugging cute cats. But she arrives only to see that her brother is about to become an Inhuman. Yes, he's going to become yet another part of Marvel's elaborate plan to undermine the X-men or some shit like that. It's still a powerful moment where Kamala, despite her best efforts, is unable to save one of her loved ones from her ex-crush's assholery. It's further proof that even when the world is coming to an end, an asshole ex will find a way to make it even worse.

The world may be ending (for now), but Ms. Marvel is making the most of it. Why spend her last day lamenting about all the ice cream she didn't eat and all the shows on Netflix she didn't binge watch? She's got Captain fucking Marvel at her side, ready to kick the asses of anyone who dares fuck with her brother or Jersey City as a whole. They both do plenty of that, but they never loose sight of the little picture. That's what gives this story its strength. It never becomes a bad Roland Emerich movie where most of their time is spent navigating shitty CGI to save the world. They spend time coming to terms with just how bad shit has gotten. It feels genuine and fitting, the exact opposite of every apology ever issued by Mel Gibson.

What makes Ms. Marvel such a great series and a great character is how it stays grounded, yet still incorporates alien dogs and killer robots. Kamala Khan never stops being a teenage girl. She never becomes the unlikable prick that Peter Parker has been for nearly a decade now. She still has that adorable, wide-eyed optimism that a lot of teenagers have, minus the goth crowd. But unlike a lot of those teenagers, she tries to fight for those ideals, even when the world is coming to an end. While some of that fight gets sidetracked in this issue, the story still hits all the right notes. I give Ms. Marvel #17 an 8 out of 10. Now, Kamala Khan can say she's teamed up with both her idol and Wolverine. She's at the point now where if I ever meet her, I'll be the one saying, "Everything sucks except for you!" I might not be totally sober when I say it, but it'll be every bit as sincere. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Ms. Marvel #16

It used to be that the only way for a female character to get attention was to have bigger tits. Don’t get me wrong. That still works to some extent. Emma Frost, Power Girl, and countless strippers in Las Vegas can attest to that. But we live in a time when anyone can download a billion pairs of tits on a cell phone in under five seconds. Now female characters have to do a lot more than fill out a bra to get attention. And in this new era where tits are no longer enough, Kamala Khan has become the gold standard.

Kamala might not have Emma Frost’s sex appeal or Wonder Woman’s warrior spirit, but she has a special kind of charisma that makes her so endearing that even Ann Coulter can’t help but love her. She’s not some overpowered force of nature with a convoluted backstory akin to a Wachowski movie. She’s a 16-year-old Pakistani American from Jersey City with powers that can be understood by anyone who has played a video game in the past 20 years. There’s so much to love about her and because of that, it’s hard to avoid the impact when something happens to her.

The events of Secret Wars affected everybody in the Marvel Universe, from Jersey City to Wakanda. It was the kind of big destructive tragedy that usually makes Roland Emerich rich. We know what happened in the eye of the shit storm. But what about those who are less concerned about invading armies from a parallel universe and more concerned with their family? That’s the story in Ms. Marvel #16. It’s Kamala Khan’s place in the universal clusterfuck that is Secret Wars and being the lovable girl she is, she finds a way to make it special.

And as it just so happens, the cosmic clusterfuck that is Secret Wars comes at the worst possible time from the perspective of a 16-year-old. Kamala Khan just had her heart broken by her first true love interest. Kamran, who also happens to be an Inhuman whose powers turned him into a massive douche, went out of his way to make Kamala swoon as only a hormonal 16-year-old girl can. Then he flat out ripped out her heart, wiped his ass with it, and stepped on it. To say Kamala is broken up about it would be like saying Ron Swanson enjoys a little sip of whiskey every now and then.

To her credit, Kamala’s coping skills are far healthier than most teenagers. She doesn’t cut her hair, get a tattoo, and start a goth band. She drowns her sorrows in hot dogs on the Jersey City Waterfront. Not saying hot dogs are healthy, but there are way worse things a teenage girl could do to cope with her first breakup. She says it feels like the world is coming to an end. And that’s completely normal. Who hasn’t felt that way after having their heart broken? This is just one of those instances where karma is a truly exceptional bitch.

Kamala goes from confiding in a hot dog vendor to having a front row seat to the first wave of WTF that came with Secret Wars. She wasn’t at all involved in it. She’s wasn’t rubbing elbows with the illuminati or swapping notes with Reed Richards. She’s just like every other civilian who thinks an incursion is just a sub-plot in a Tom Clancy novel. It puts Kamala in a very different frame of mind compared to other Marvel heroes. She’s not exactly Facebook friends with the rest of the Avengers so for all she knows, this is just another case of the Chitari being bored. That still doesn’t stop her from being Ms. Marvel.

She doesn’t hesitate in the slightest to slip under the dock and don her Ms. Marvel uniform. Then, in an act that would make Leonardo Di Vici proud, she creates massive duck feet so she can walk across the river and into Manhattan. While I’m sure this was debunked on an episode of Mythbusters, it’s quicker than hitching a ride on a ferry or swimming in a New Jersey river. I think the laws of physics are willing to make an exception for someone like Kamala.

That exception ends the moment she arrives in Manhattan, where she gets her first glimpse of the coming incursion. Suddenly, that sentiment about how having a broken heart feels like the world is coming to an end takes on a whole new meaning. At least with a broken heart, she had hot dogs. This is one problem where no amount of hot dogs, with or without relish, will alleviate. The world really is coming to an end here and it’s ending before she has a chance to punch Kamran in the jaw one last time. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Knowing she really can’t do jack shit about an incursion, Kamala immediately does the responsible thing. No, I don’t mean she curls up into a ball and whines about it on Facebook like a lot of teenage girls would be inclined to do. Instead, she turns her attention back to her home town and the people she cares about. It’s more responsibility than we expect from teenagers these days, but that’s what makes Kamala the hero she is.

Her first stop is the Circle Q where the Bruno, who she recently friend-zoned, is trying to defend his place with his brother. They’re armed only with baseball bats at a time when a planet is about to collide with their world. It’s not much, but it beats waving stale bread at them. Ms. Marvel’s presence is a bit more menacing than a bad so that ensures the candy bars and slurpie machines are safe. It also gives her time to coordinate with Bruno. They really can’t do much with a fucking incursion on the way, but Kamala has watched enough of the Weather Channel to know what has to be done in an emergency. She tells them to get others to hunker down at the school. It already survived an attack by killer robots and Loki. It’ll at least hold up better than most places during an incursion.

Kamala’s next major concern is her family. Yes, she is a hero who still loves and cares for her family. No, she didn’t become a hero because someone hurt her family. They just did a damn good job raising her. I think that’s worth mentioning because it makes her desire to save them all the more powerful. It’s true. Teenage girls are capable of really loving their parents, despite what every 90s teen sitcom would have you believe.

However, the end of the world just enough to ruin Kamala’s day. Fate has decided that it isn’t done tormenting Kamala. As soon as she gets home, the first person she finds is her ex, Kamran. It couldn’t be more infuriating without someone destroying the world’s hot dog supply for her. It’s immediately tense and for good reason. Kamran isn’t done being a total dick to Kamala. He reveals that he knocked out her parents and sent her brother, Aamir, to undergo an Inhuman transformation. In terms of being asshole exes, this guy is one act of arson away from being a weapons grade douche.

It adds another crisis beyond the world ending for Kamala to endure. Her entire focus since the incursion began was protecting her family and friends. Now one of them happens to be in the clutches of her ex. There’s a very tense, very heated exchange between the two. Basically, Kamran wants Kamala’s brother to join his team of renegade Inhumans because Kamala wouldn’t. It’s like a guy wanting to knock up his ex-wife’s sister on principle alone. It’s a shitty principle, but it rubs some extra salt in the wound.

It really does hurt Kamala in all the right ways. She doesn’t even get a chance to fight him. He doesn’t even have to. He hits her where it hurts and it impacts her in ways that feel genuine for a teenage girl. She doesn’t hulk out or go into a Wolverine berserker rage. She’s just overwhelmed and pissed as any teenage girl should be. It also complicates her mission to protect her family during the end of the world in ways that only an asshole ex-boyfriend can.

At the very least, her parents are okay. They wake up from Kamran’s assholery and find out like everyone else that the world is coming to an end. This would be a perfect time for Kamala to tell her parents what an asshole Kamran is, but she remains focused on finding her brother. She tells her parents to get down to the school where everyone is meeting. It’s still a reasonable plan, even if doesn’t do shit to stop an incursion.

The streets of Jersey City are still a clusterfuck. There are riots on par with the Lakers’ last championship win. Some are using the end of the world as an excuse do the Christmas shopping they wish they could’ve done. Eventually, some end up at the school. This is where Loki’s recent visit to Kamala’s school actually came in handy. This happened in another issue, but Loki left his mark as he always does. He actually used some runes to protect the school because why not? He’s the God of Mischief. He doesn’t need a reason. And it works perfectly. Some Asgardian mojo scares the shit out of the looters and the school is safe. I don’t know what the fuck they were hoping to loot from the school. Then again, I understand some will go to great lengths to get the answers to an SAT test.

Kamala arrives at the school just in time to see that she was right. The school, coupled with Asgardian runes, provides a safe haven for her community. Bruno and his brother even brought over a bunch of snacks from his store. Cheetos and orange soda don’t help save the world from incursions, but they certainly don’t hurt either. It’s the first bit of good news Kamala has had all day. Between incursions and asshole ex-boyfriends, this is a decent consolation, if that even matters at this point.

And it really does matter in the sense that it shows how the civilians are dealing with the incursion events. That’s something that Secret Wars didn’t really explore, the impact on the people. Kamala went out of her way to help these people and they acknowledged it. That’s way more than the X-men have ever gotten. It’s a pretty powerful moment that helps make the events of Secret Wars feel more personal. It’s personal to the point where it overwhelms Kamala, even when everyone is praising her. It’s a great moment, especially after the epicly shitty day she’s had.

She eventually has to leave because she still needs to save her brother. And since her day is way past the point of being shitty, she has to do it with the knowledge that the world is coming to an end. It’s like having to fix a toilet on a sinking cruise ship. It’s a tough situation for any teenage girl to handle.

However, it turns out Kamala doesn’t have to handle it alone. Someone finally comes by to help her. Who could it be and who could possibly be in a position to help her anyways? How about Captain Marvel? As in the same Captain Marvel she idolizes? That would be like me meeting Emma Frost outside a strip club. It’s a powerful moment that I imagine will make the end of the world just a bit more enjoyable for Kamala Khan.

There’s so much heart and so much win in this story that I’m not afraid to admit I squeed a little. Okay, maybe a lot. I can only restrain myself so much when I’m not sober. But I think I deserve a pass for Ms. Marvel. I think everyone deserves a pass because she’s just that awesome. She’s not the kind of hero who just sees a crisis and looks for ways to punch it. She sees a crisis and her first instinct is to protect her family, her loved ones, and her home. And the fact that she’s a minority within a minority in that home only makes her more of a hero than any Batman rip-off could hope to be.

We already know how the final incursion unfolds in the events of Secret Wars #1. Seeing how those events affect the actual people running for their lives helps give this issue the kind of dramatic impact you just can’t get by watching Tony Stark try to invent his way out of a problem. There’s a lot of personal and emotional drama, ranging from ordinary people stepping up to do good and asshole ex-lovers finding new ways to be assholes. And having Captain Marvel show up at the end just added a layer of frosting doused with chocolate fudge and Jack Daniels on top. Secret Wars has had all sorts of impacts on so many characters, but the Ms. Marvel #16 is by far the most memorable and the most endearing. I give it a perfect 10 out of 10. Now Kamala understands that there is a difference between heartbreak and the world ending. Yet even in the presence of both, she finds a way to be awesome. She’s truly the kind of girl I would actually quit drinking for. Nuff said!