Divine Reckoning: Amazing X-men #1

The following is my review of Amazing X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com .

In recent years, bringing beloved characters back from the dead has become more overused than the “To Be Continued…” teaser at the end of a TV show. It is not as much as a foundation for a good story as it is a marketing gimmick. Killing characters and bringing them back seems to be a quick and easy way to boost sales. Stories like Death of Spider-Man and Blackest Night have proven that as shameless as this gimmick may be, it still works. However, that doesn’t mean that a beloved character can’t be brought back in a way that’s compelling.

When Marvel announced that Nightcrawler was returning in a new series, Amazing X-men, it had all the characteristics of a gimmick. This is a beloved character who has been dead for over four years now, which in comics might as well be two decades. And it could be argued that his death was fitting, having died a hero during Second Coming in a way that had an impact that reverberated for years to come. But there’s no getting around the appeal of Nightcrawler. His story still ended abruptly, leaving many fans to debate endlessly on message boards what he would think of the current state of the X-men. Now Amazing X-men #1 promises to begin a new chapter in Nightcrawler’s story while also beginning the post-Battle of the Atom era of X-men.

It’s clear from the beginning that Nightcrawler truly did die during X-men Second Coming. There’s no time travel, cloning, or magic involved. For once, a character actually died and went to Marvel’s version of Heaven, which for some reason looks like it was ripped from Avatar. And being a man of faith and humility, it should not surprise anyone that this is where Nightcrawler went after he died. In another concept that seems so novel when it really shouldn’t be, a hero was actually rewarded for their good deeds. In an era where good deeds are as fleeting as the next relaunch, it’s very refreshing.

But as fitting as Nightcrawler’s afterlife may be, even he echoes the sentiment of many fans in that his story ended too abruptly. There are still things he left unfinished in his life and battles he had yet to fight. It’s as if Marvel was actually reading the sad letters and emails from Nightcrawler fans after he died. But even in Heaven, conflict seems to find him and this conflict involves his demonic father, Azazel. Given the setting and circumstances, it’s very appropriate. While Azazel hasn’t shown up since Chuck Austin’s infamous run on Uncanny X-men, his clash with Nightcrawler is akin to a clash between Heaven and Hell. It’s a holy crusade without Knights Templar conspiracy theories. It’s also much more entertaining in that it shows Nightcrawler fighting in the distinct style that has been missing in the X-men comics for too long.

But Nightcrawler’s afterlife is only part of the story in Amazing X-men #1. This is also the first X-men comic since the big shake-up in X-men Battle of the Atom. Kitty Pryde and the Original Five X-men have left, leaving the Jean Grey Institute in need of a new teacher. That brave teacher happens to be Firestar, a character who has not had a major presence in the X-men comics for quite some time. In fact, some fans may only know her from reruns of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. However, she enters this story as someone who feels like she belongs in the X-men. She’s still understandably overwhelmed by what she sees in the Jean Grey Institute, but that’s to be expected of anyone who visits a school that has a living island on its front lawn.

Through Firestar, there’s a keen insight into the workings of the Jean Grey Institute that has been missing from recent comics. Everything from the diversity of the student body to the current relationships between characters is explored. It’s both a refresher course and a hint at what Firestar will have to deal with. And before she can even teach her first class, she gets roped into helping Beast uncover a plot with the bamfs, the miniature Nightcrawlers that have been plaguing the Jean Grey Institute since it opened. And through this plot, the X-men at the Jean Grey Institute are in a position to meet up with their deceased friend.

The dynamics here are perfectly crafted, capturing the subtle personalities amongst the X-men and Firestar. It also finally explores the nature of the bamfs, which in many ways is so overdue that it should be subject to late fees. These dynamics give the plot depth that goes beyond just seeking out a deceased friend. Time and energy is actually spent setting up the characters so that the emotions involved in meeting a deceased friend don’t fall flat. The strength of any story that involves death or resurrection comes from the emotional impact it leaves. Stories like the Phoenix Saga build up to that impact, so much so that the story resonates for generations to come. But that story took place over the course of many issues. This story is just beginning and the impact can only trigger so many emotions without becoming melodramatic.

None-the-less, the impact of this story triggers all the right emotions. It’s entertaining and humorous, the voice of every character sounding distinct and appropriate. And while the action may not be on the same scale as the final issue of X-men Battle of the Atom, it still feels epic in a way not unlike a Rocky Balboa fight. Amazing X-men #1 was primarily billed as the issue that brought Nightcrawler back to the X-men. It did that and so much more. It re-established all the dynamics that make the X-men at Jean Grey Institute such a fun story to follow and did it in an entertaining, concise way. It’s a story that appeals to both Nightcrawler fans and X-men fans of every kind.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #1

Whenever a beloved character is killed off, fans are more pissed off than Rush Limbauh fans at a Jay-Z concert. Whenever a beloved character comes back from the dead, fans are more excited and emotional than a woman about to give birth. I'm one of those guys who becomes an angry drunk whenever a good character is killed off. I don't think all the lawsuits have been settled after all the angry drinking I did seeing the first three X-men movies. But when Marvel announced that they were bringing Nightcrawler back in Jason Aaron's new series, Amazing X-men, I think I asked every bartender within a five mile radius to marry me. That's how overjoyed I am. So as I review Amazing X-men #1, I'll try not to get too emotional. But I won't make any promises either.

It starts off with some painful emotional reminders that help me recall a time when Hope fucking Summers was still somewhat likable and Ted Cruz wasn’t in the news every fucking day. We get a quick and dirty recap of Nightcrawler’s life and how he died. It hardly conveys everything that made him so lovably awesome, but it effectively gets the point across. Then after it goes dark, we find out that Nightcrawler was awesome enough to go to whatever Marvel’s version of Heaven is. It’s no Tijuana strip club. In fact, it looks like someone at Marvel has seen Avatar way too many times. But it’s a beautiful scene where Nightcrawler reflects how he lived and died. Yet he still feels like he has unfinished business because he’s just that awesome. He can be given paradise after living a heroic life and still feel like he needs to do more. That sort of thing both brings a tear to my eye and makes me want to hug him in a way I usually reserve for really expensive hookers.

Everything seemed to come to a fitting end for Nightcrawler. He concedes that this is where he was supposed to end up. He did all the right things, ignoring assholes like Pat Robertson and having undying faith in people and God. He’s basically a big blue middle finger to the Christian Right and he rightly deserves to be in heaven for that. However, he’s not yet ready to sit back and enjoy paradise with an infinite glass of whiskey. He’s fucking Nightcrawler and he’s not done being awesome.

He gets his chance when the edges of Heaven are attacked by Pirates of the Caribbean cos-players and not the sexy kind either. They claim to be seeking souls. Instead, they get a nice dose of Nightcrawler’s fists. He even steals a couple of their swords, which brought me to tears again because it has been so long since I’ve seen Nightcrawler’s swash-buckling Jack Sparrow side. It has that special touch that can’t be seen in any other fight scene that doesn’t involve Nightcrawler. It was so refreshing that it makes me want to stand up and yell, “Suck it, Pixie!” And just like that, I feel more tears.

Nightcrawler clearly enjoys a good fight, but he’s also curious. Who in their unholy minds would be stupid enough to try and invade fucking Heaven of all places? Was Las Vegas or Miami too hot for them this time of year? Nightcrawler is just as curious and threatens some equally unholy action to these butt-ugly thugs if he doesn’t tell them. But the answer ends up finding him and Chuck Austin fans, all three of them, can rejoice because it’s Azazel.

That’s right, the asshole trying to invade Heaven is Nightcrawler’s father and Chuck Austin’s most infamous contribution to the X-men mythos. Sure, he was badass in the X-men First Class movie, but he’s been MIA in the X-men comics for a reason. He’s a douche and a very poorly developed douche at that. But he doesn’t need to be that developed in this story. He just says he wants to burn Heaven to the ground and offers his son a chance at fighting by his side. Nightcawler naturally tells him to piss off and they start fighting in another epic battle that would have been an awesome family feud on Jerry Springer, albeit with more teleporting. It’s as awesome as it sounds.

While this battle between Heaven and Hell is unfolding, the Jean Grey Institute is dealing with issues that don’t involve divine reckoning. Once again, the school has been completely rebuilt after the future Brotherhood fucked it up in X-men Battle of the Atom. I’m not sure how they do this or what kind of insurance they have, but it must be reserved for CEOs and Congressmen. Even with a rebuilt school, however, they’re still short a teacher. Kitty Pryde has left and they need someone to take their place. And that someone is Angelica Jones, aka Firestar.

Now Firestar hasn’t been a major player with the X-men since her New Mutant days and most fans only know her for her role in that shitty Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends cartoon. But she is a mutant and she is experienced. That qualifies her to be a teacher at the Jean Grey Institute. And when she arrives, she’s like a priest at a drag show. But in a strange way, her arrival at the Jean Grey Institute offers a nice little insight into the current dynamics at the Jean Grey Institute. We see some playful staff interactions like Wolverine and Storm joking about a quickie in between classes and Warbird trying to bone Iceman now that he’s not with Kitty Pryde anymore. It’s not just a reminder of those quirks that Jason Aaron established so beautifully early on in Wolverine and the X-men. It’s a wildly entertaining reminder that has that distinct humor that makes this book feel so much fun. And for a book that has religious undertones, that’s saying something.

After stumbling around like a blindfolded stripper on heels, Firestar eventually finds Beast. In addition to being a total douche who loves to fuck with the timeline every now and then, he’s also a huge coffee addict. So when the bamfs steal his coffee maker, he treats it in the same way a woman on her period treats a man who just replaced her tampons with snickers bars. So before Firestar can even teach her first class, Beast ropes her into helping him track down the bamfs and his precious coffee pot. He even has a name for it. He calls it Eleanor. It sounds like the name a man would give a bottle of lube back during World War II, but in finding his coffee pot, he also finds out something about the bamfs that further complicates Firestar’s first day on the job.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that since Wolverine and the X-men began, the bamfs have been a constant presence. However, there hasn’t been a hint or clue of any kind as to what they are and where the fuck they came from. All I know about them is that they steal Wolverine’s whiskey. But this issue finally offers some insight. Apparently, the bamfs have been infesting the school since it opened. And somehow they managed to steal enough coffee pots to construct some strange machine. So they’re both cute and they can built awesome shit. That’s it. I want one for my next pet.

So once again, the Jean Grey Institute goes on lockdown while the staff investigates. Firestar tags along because if she’s going to be teaching at this school, she’s going to have to learn that they go on lockdown almost as often as they catch students sleeping in class. She even gets a chance to flirt with Iceman, which pisses Warbird off since she apparently wants to bone him too. But the main issue at hand is what the fuck this machine is and how they’re going to deal with it. They can only surmise that the bamfs have been working on this for a while and that it’s a gateway of sorts. Beyond that, it just looks like an oversized lava lamp.

Then they find out it does a lot more than glow. When the bamfs turn it on, an army of Azazel’s red bamfs come pouring through. It’s like being attacked by evil puppies and I imagine these things don’t have the same taste for whiskey, hence they must die. It’s a chaotic scene that catches them all by surprise. It would have been easy to just have them claw at each other like a bunch of hungry cats in a tuna factory. Instead, the red bamfs drag the X-men into the portal and they all disappear in a puff of sulfur. Either that or I farted. I’m not sure if my brain is playing tricks on me again, but it was still more fun than a bunch of drunk monkies in a panty factory.

The first ones to wake up are Wolverine and Northstar. They wake up in what looks like an enchanted forest. There are so many gay jokes I could make here, especially with Norstar being involved, that I’ll just leave them to Robin Willimas in his next stand-up special. But they figure out that they’ve been teleported somehow and that they can’t get in touch with the rest of the team. That wouldn’t be too distressing if it weren’t happening in such a peaceful setting. The problem is that peaceful setting is shot to shit when a full blown pirate ship shows up, declaring war on Heaven, and hinting to Wolverine that Nightcrawler is still alive. He’s understandably shocked and my dick is understandably hard. There’s really not much else that can be said about how awesome it is without getting Emma Frost’s tits involved.

The last time I got this emotional while laughing so hard, I watched The Notebook after smoking nine joints. I expected this issue to make me feel emotional with the return of Nightcrawler, but I didn’t expect to be so thoroughly entertained that I laughed in ways I haven’t laughed since George Carlin was still alive. This issue didn’t just bring Nightcrawler back into the fold. It re-established all the wondrous quirks within the Jean Grey Institute staff that had been cast aside in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men in favor of stories about fucking Dog Logan. Amazing X-men #1 is an upgrade to say the very least. It didn’t just finally solve the mystery of the bamfs, bring Nightcrawler back, and show Firestar joining the Jean Grey Institute. It did it in a way that was entertaining, emotional, and fucking hilarious. I couldn’t find a single flaw in this issue. Therefore, I give Amazing X-men #1 a perfect 10 out of 10. Nightcrawler is back and he’s taking on some serious daddy issues with an honest-to-God smile on his face. Excuse me, I just teared up again. Nuff said!