Superman #709 - Skewing Real and Fantasy Caliber Awesome

For the past few weeks I've been hung up on reviewing Marvel comics. Don't get pissed at me. It's not my fault they release all their good X-men shit in one week. I hope the fine, attractive, and non douche-bag readers of this blog don't take that to mean I've forgotten about DC books. I have been keeping up and I'm aware that DC is capable of churning out the same caliber awesome (and the occasional pile of shit) as well. Besides Brightest Day, the DC book that has captured my imagination in the way Tiger Woods captures porn stars is Superman. I know that Superman has been seen as uncool over the past few decades because he's not a drunken, murdering, mentally unstable, sociopath with a past so convoluted that it makes Lost look like an episode of Shit My Dad Says. Apparently a superhero that actually is heroic became a bad thing at one point. It's like being rich without being a douche-bag. Well there's a reason why Superman is the most iconic character in the history of comics. Heroic or not, he's part of some awesome stories.

Since the end of the War of the Supermen arc, DC has brought Superman down to Earth both literally and figuratively. For the last eight or so issues, Superman has basically been walking the cities and towns of America. He's not flying overhead and using his X-ray vision to spy on nude sunbathers at a Swedish Modeling school as I'm sure most male comic readers would. He's been reconnecting with the people he protects. It's led to some stories that don't involve the universe exploding or some supervillain throwing a hissy fit. Instead, these stories show Superman the man instead of Superman the superhero.

The last entry of this walk down the average Joe's block, he faced a moral crisis. He discovered that a chemical plant was taking a tip from BP to lax on it's safety protocols. This led to a disaster that wasn't quite as big as Chernobyl, but it did put Superman in an awkward position. It turns out his wife, the ever unlucky Lois Lane, was trying to do a report to expose these shenanigans. In doing so she would cost everyone who worked at that plant their job and their livelihood. Now most men who value their penis and balls being attached to their bodies would have sided with their wife. However, Superman did an about face. He sided with the workers and most likely earned himself a trip to the couch of solitude for the foreseeable future.

This scuffle with his wife put Superman into a world of doubt. All the while he's not aware that some crazy woman who was exposed to some crystals (a product of the War of the Supermen arc) is toying with him. While he's sulking at how he may never see Lois naked again, Superman gets some unexpected visitors. In DC that usually means a crazy message from the future and this time is no exception. A bunch of kids who look like high schoolers going to a Halloween party show up and say they understand the crisis he's going through and they can help. They urge him to step through a portal, which is the DC equivalent a windowless van from a middle-aged unmarried man with a history of seeing unicorns in his dreams. But Superman being in a vulnerable state decides to go with him. They didn't even have to offer him the proverbial candy, which in and of itself may be more disturbing.

The portal doesn't just lead to the future. It leads to a place called the Fortress of Solidarity. Now it may sound like a cute euphemism from North Korea, but it has a purpose. Whereas the Fortress of Solitude is where Supermen go to be alone, the Fortress of Solidarity is where they got to be together. Who is they you ask? Well apparently in the future Superman no longer holds the copyright to the big red S. Countless others have taken up his mantle. How they do this isn't clear, but if nothing else it's a hell of a fan club.

Even Superman can't help but be impressed. While he's picking his jaw up off the floor, the crazy kids who brought him there introduce themselves as the Superman Squad. They probably use a cute euphemism like S2, but that's assuming the future doesn't have lower standards of awesome. Superman isn't completely oblivious though. He recalls a message from another future (try to keep up, time in comics is more flexible than Snooki on a vodka bender) that tells of a band of Superman from various eras that ban together to protect the time stream. So they're like the bouncers that wrestle Snooki from trying to ingest a shot of tequila, aftershave, and battery acid. To accomplish this task, there are a wide variety of Superman. There's a Superman/Batman, a Superman with a mullet, and even a monkey Superman or Supermonkey if you will. I'm not shitting you.

It's at this point the whole "Grounded" idea seems to have fallen to the wayside. For readers just joining the Superman series, it'll fly over their heads or they'll think they got some bad weed. Now the Grounded arc has had it's share of aliens and physics-defying plots that would make Stephen Hawkings stand up in outrage. But this pushes it a little further and maybe a few feet over the ledge. There is still some real, down-to-Earth style dialog that saves the scene.

Superman gets a refresher course in the events of War of the Supermen and how it affected him. He also got a reminder of how he suffered a Superman style breakdown, which is equivalent to an Asian school-girl with an overbearing Tiger Mom getting a B- on her report card multiplied by 1000. Somehow Superman being really bummed out about losing New Krypton would fuck everything up. He starts doubting the whole truth, justice, and American way bullshit that republicans use in their campaign slogans. The Superman Squad gather together to offer some encouragement, Good Will Hunting style. They tell him it's not his fault and that traveling America would reconnect him with his values and determine whether the world really needs a Superman. It seems like a dumb question like "Do I really need a penis?" Well I guess when you're bummed, you question everything.

So after that complete deviation from the concept of "Grounded" the Superman Squad send Superman back to his own time. Maybe as a joke, they transport him back to Lincoln, Nebraska. If that weren't bad enough, he gets transported there in the middle of a storm. Seeing as how the Midwest has been more ravaged than Japanese school girl in anime porn by storms recently, it seems quite appropriate. Superman is still in a doubting mode, flying over the city and seeing only the trivial shit that doesn't require a man who can bench press the Statue of Liberty. Then he sees a bus full of kids fly off a bridge and that helps do a way with any doubts.

Superman saves the kids and they're naturally ecstatic, probably because they've been spared a hospital bill and years of therapy. That's all well and good for the kids, but then Superman faces another dilemma. He sees in the distance that a tornado has formed and is looking to use the town as it's personal toothpick. He also sees the city getting flooded Katrina style complete with people standing atop cars begging for help. If he helps the people, he's screwed because the tornado will fuck them up. If he stops the tornado, those people are screwed. The man is Superman and even he can't get a break.

That's when he gets some help from yet another guest star in this series. A few issues ago it was Batman who showed up. This time it's Wonder Woman, complete in her new costume that has had fanboys outrage in between masturbation sessions. Somehow Wonder Woman wearing skin-tight black pants is controversial. I don't get it either, but she appears to be having a crisis of faith herself and offers to help Superman. So while she helps the people, he flies off to stop the tornado before it does to the city what Michael Bay does to cars in his movies.

It seems like a solid enough plan. Wonder Woman plays the role of rescuer while Superman plays the role of Tornado killer. It seems only logical that people would want to be rescued by a beautiful woman in skin-tight black pants. However, there is a hiccup along the way. Remember that crazy stalker woman that got a touch of superman power a few issues ago? Well she's still stalking the big man and Wonder Woman is like that bush that's blocking the view of a hot cheerleader's bedroom. She wanted to see Superman make an impossible moral choice. Because of Wonder Woman he didn't have to and she shows her appreciation by giving her the Ben Rothelsburger treatment minus the booze.

Now you would expect this to be a great time for DC to unleash a hot girl-on-girl fight. Some fans might already have their dick in their hands while reading it. But sadly, it never develops. The crazy stalker woman reminds Wonder Woman that she's a hero. So rather than stick around and beat the shit out of the person who is actually responsible for this crisis, she has to go save lives. It's devious, but still disappointing. Fanboys by this point should put the baby oil away and save it for the next issue of Power Girl.

Superman returns after stopping to tornado to find that Wonder Woman did her part, forgoing her usual inclination to beat the shit out of anyone who opposes her. She reveals she's been on her own personal quest only hers involves more violence and fighting, which may be her way of saying she's more awesome in addition to having boobs. But she gives Superman a nice pep talk, telling him how he really inspires her. She was trained to be a warrior. All of her sisters were trained like that. Superman shows that being a warrior and a hero are two very different things. It's a nice compliment from Wonder Woman. And any time a beautiful woman in skin-tight pants compliments you, you no longer have an excuse to be depressed.

It's a nice moment. It seems like it would go a ways to helping Superman get out of this funk he's in. What isn't clear is why he needed a message from the future to be involved in this. Wouldn't he have helped out in a disaster like this either way? It's not like he's so depressed that he's shying away from his duties. He's been doing it all throughout the Grounded arc. So it seems as though that trip to the future was nothing more than an overpriced bit of encouragement that he may or may not have needed. At least the ordeal ends with an ominous hint of new conflict. That woman that Wonder Woman clashed with earlier is still stalking Superman. She didn't get a chance to test him this time. Like any determined woman trying to fuck up a man, she'll find other chances. It's not the most ominous cliff-hanger from a Superman comic, but it's enough to make you want to pick up the next issue.

Since the beginning of the Grounded arc, I've had a lot of good things to say about it. I've got nothing against stories that involve aliens blowing shit up and Superman punching Lex Luthor so hard that his brains leak out of his toes, but Grounded has been very refreshing. It's been a very personal story for Superman as he deals with the aftermath of War of the Superman. For the most part, the stories have been awesome in how they showed Superman coping with this process. It's been about the little things, making just as big a crisis over a disagreement with his wife as he does saving the universe from Darkseid. It's walking a fine line, playing with moral ambiguity when Superman is one of the only characters who never plays that game. Yet in this issue, someone done tripped and fell over that line before even trying to walk it.

I'm not going to say that the whole visit from the Superman Squad was overdone, but it was about as modest as Lady Gaga's dress sense. As I said earlier, it's not really clear what good it did. They could have left Superman alone and he probably would have found his way to the disaster in Nebraska. Not much seems to have changed as a result of their intervention. All they really did is remind Superman why he's so depressed and that he needs to keep doing what he's doing to get over it. It really feels unnecessary. It's like driving a tank through a toll booth. It's completely unnecessary and pretty contrived.

Also, this issue didn't address any of the events in the previous issue either. Lois never even came up in a thought bubble. That was such a powerful moment in the last issue and for this one it's just up and forgotten. To this point the transitions have been fairly smooth so this came as a let-down. It was a powerful emotional moment with Superman and Lois. To not even mention it seems like an oversight that even the Egyptian government would scorn at.

There was still plenty of great material in this book. Wonder Woman's presence was a nice touch. She kicked ass and looked hot doing it like she always did. There wasn't a great deal of action aside from rescue operations, but that's been a theme for most of the Grounded arc. The chat between Superman and Wonder Woman was nice, but had some of the same problems as the chat with the Superhero Squad. It was good in spirit and light on details. While the end was enough to make the next issue worth picking up, this issue still has a fair share of weaknesses. That's why I give Superman #709 a 3.5 out of 5. I still love the Grounded arc, but it needs to stay...well, grounded for it to be awesome in it's own right. Nuff said!

Superman #707 - Ambiguous Awesome

Well I've been sick for nearly four days now and you know what that means! I have an excuse to get high out of my mind on cough meds, lay in bed all day, and read comics. I honestly don't remember much of the last few days, but when I woke up naked in my bath tub with some strange tattoo of a phone number on my ass I there was one particular comic I had in my grasp. It was Superman #707. I know it's been a while since I reviewed an issue of Superman. Blame Marvel. They've been churning out so many X-men books it's been hard to find time to review others. That doesn't mean my love for Superman has waned. The Grounded arc that has had Superman taking a casual stroll across the country Forest Gump style (minus the retardation) continues to tell some painfully down-to-Earth yet remarkably relevant stories.

For anyone who had been following DC comics the past few years, they're probably still dizzy as fuck from all the big events that have come within another Linsey Lohan drug arrest of destroying the universe. Between Final Crisis, Blackest Night, War of the Supermen, and the return of Bruce Wayne it's been like successive rounds of C4 being detonated from within your skull. There's only so much brain matter that survives so when a story like Grounded comes along, it takes a while to put the bits of brain back together in just the right order so you can appreciate it. It may not work for those who have become the equivalent of DC meth heads who need shot after shot of universe-ending Michael Bay style destruction. But for those who appreciate a damn find story, Grounded has been a case study in what makes Superman the most iconic comic character ever.

So far Superman has walked through run downed cities and the small town places that Sarah Palin loves to campaign in. Yet wherever he goes, he finds time to save a few lives. This issue has him starting off in Des Moines Iowa, a part of the country so white that a visit from President Obama completely fucks up the entire demographic stats. There's nothing too remarkable about his feats. He stops a bank robbery, stops a freight train, and catches a helicopter. It's the equivalent of my grandpa's old routine of waking up, getting his coffee, and scratching himself in just the right way that it ruins my appetite for the morning. It doesn't sound too grounded, but then he shows he's still somewhat ordinary by calling his wife on a cell phone. He doesn't use some high-tech communication gizmo that projects a hologram out of his ass. He uses a regular, as-seen-on-Monday-Night-Football-commercials cell phone. Even Lois points out that he could use something a bit more sophisticated, but Superman makes a point to show people that he's still human on some levels and you can't get more human than listening to your wife nag you over the phone.

Naturally, the whole "grounded" concept of walking through the streets of America goes out the window the moment Superman hears that Lois is in danger. Like Sarah Palin, she attracts craziness and all it's influences wherever she goes. This time it comes in the form of an exploding chemical plant. Because in the world of comic books, what could be more evil than a chemical plant that makes all those toxic chemicals that make modern life so wonderful? Superman does his job and doesn't do it the everyman way either. He uses flight, strength, and X-ray vision to assess the problem. There's only so down-to-Earth a guy can be and still be a kick-ass superhero and this is one case where pragmatics overshadow principles.

The damage is about what you would expect of an exploding chemical plant in a comic book. That is to say it makes BP look an ethical golden boy. Superman gets the workers to safety as he's so good at doing. It's hard to surmise how in one page he can get what must be hundreds if not thousands of workers out of a structure that just exploded, but then again he's fucking Superman. Still, there's only so much you can leave to the imagination before even the elf on your shoulder starts crying bullshit. It actually makes the whole using-his-super-speed-to-create-a-whirlwind-of-water-from-a-conveniently-located-stream act a lot more believable.

He doesn't stop there either. See this is one of those instances of the little things in a comic. Traditionally, writers who don't give enough of a damn get lazy and just blow through one scene the same way Madonna used to blow through the NBA All-Star game. They don't pay attention to the finer details that turns a boring scene into something awesome.

Now J. Michael Straczynski could have easily stopped at putting out the fire, but he didn't. He must have watched a few of those 9/11 truther videos because Superman mentions how the fires weakened the metal structure. So to prevent a bunch of far left crazies from claiming it was a government sponsored demolition he flies off and 'borrows' some steel bars from a passing truck. Now before you think 'borrows' means steal, Superman does mention that he'll check to make sure the insurance company covers the cost of the bars he uses. So he really is 'borrowing' and enriching an insurance company. So everybody wins (except for maybe the truck driver, but fuck that guy). And he puts these bars to good use too, using them to strengthen the structure and prevent it from collapsing. Thus rendering him an accomplice to more 9/11 truthers as complacent in a conspiracy just like everything else in the world. Sorry Superman, but you just can't win with some people.

So the toxic chemical plant is saved and the profits of a soulless chemical company are safe. Shareholders rejoice! Well it doesn't take THAT much of a left wing message. Okay actually, this is a comic that's read by young kids who still have the hippie parts of their brain active so of course there will be some tree hugging bullshit. It's not unreasonable either. Remember Lois and how she just happened to be near the plant when it exploded? Well it isn't because she ran over a stampede of black cats while shooting mirrors from under a ladder with a shotgun that has 666 etched in the stock. She was doing an investigative piece on how this plant was fucking up the environment by ignoring the basic safety procedures that most kids learn from their parents when they get smacked for not doing the dishes. It's got everything the people at Greenpeace probably masterbate to: bribery, corporate greed, and environmental destruction.

Superman does what any reporter who happens to be a superhero in a comic would do. He checks his facts (as opposed to filling in the blanks with bullshit as 98 percent of most mainstream news does in real life). He confirms in a second what probably would have taken years to test. The plant has been polluting the water like an army of bears with diarrhea taking a bath in a pond. Now if George Soros had his way, the comic would end here. But Glenn Beck must have bought stock in DC comics because it gets a little more complicated.

While the plant may be shitty, the workers make an impassioned plea to Superman. As it turns out, this evil chemical plant is actually doing some good besides making the toxic shit that we modern folk love to consume. It's the only major employer in the area. Despite the toxic shit, it's a good place to work that pays well and allows men to support their families. So all you ultra-liberal types better look away because hearing this side of the argument tends to make you as uncomfortable as Justin Bieber in the Vatican.

This puts Superman in the most uncomfortable position he could possibly be in...moral ambiguity. This is a shot to the scrotum because Superman doesn't deal with moral ambiguity. That's more like Batman's deal. In fact, Batman could probably sue Superman for half the Fortress of Solitude (and possibly win with his high-paid legal team) for his flirtation with moral ambiguity. But for once Superman does not have a black or white decision to make. It's not as simple as beating the shit out of Lex Luthor or throwing Darkseid into the sun. He either has to shut down a plan to protect the environment or save the plant to protect the people. It's an unfamiliar position for a guy who really isn't put in this position very often.

He ends up with a somewhat hallow compromise. He makes the guys at the plant promise to do a better job of cleaning up and in return he won't use his Superman level influence to shut it down. That's like telling bankers that they can still make shitty loans that screw people over so long as they don't screw people too badly. To be fair Superman does mention he'll come by and check and he's not nearly as easy to bribe as your local bureaucrat. So we might be able to assume the plant will be more inclined to shape up, at least a hell of a lot more of Superman was an EPA agent.

This is great for the plant, the workers, and greed-based capitalism. However, Lois is pissed. As most readers already know, Lois is a rare mutant freak among the reporter population in that she has no tolerance for glossing over the truth. Even if the truth sucks, she's going to report it. So Superman has to do something no man, not even the most powerful hero on the planet, it strong enough to do. He tells his wife to stand down. That's not a result of the cough medicine fucking me up. Superman actually tells Lois Lane that she can't run a story.

Take a few minutes for that to sink in because it's quite possibly the most uncomfortable thing a man who wears his underwear on the outside can possibly do. It's a new twist on the whole "Grounded" theme. The world from above may seem like a pretty cut and dry piece from some kids Ipad. But when you get down to the finer details, it's not so black and white. Superman wants to do good, but that's not as easy as rescuing a kitty from a tree. In order to save an entire community, he has to tell his wife not to run a story. Feminists may start protesting outside of DC comics when they read this book because Lois actually listens. I know, in pretty much every other sitcom or popular TV show the man would be the one to act like a pussy. But this time, Lois caves in and is not too happy about it. So while he does manage to save the plant and the livelihood of an entire community, his wife is now very upset with him and I imagine his penis is just as pissed (figuratively speaking).

It make for a pretty mixed ending. Does Superman save the day this time? If so it comes at the cost of his wife's scorn. For many men that's a hell of a cost. So as he gets back to his walk across America, he tries calling Lois. As expected, he gets her voice mail. That's universal woman's code for "I don't want to talk to you, asshole." It would have made for a real downer of an ending. But just as Superman is questioning the whole black and white aspect of morality, he's confronted with what is either a vision from the future or a the result of inhaling some really awesome chemicals at that plant. A bunch of Superman-dressed teenagers and a kid just appear right in front of him and say they can answer his questions. They call themselves the Superman squad. Again, this isn't me overdosing from cough syrup (although I did suspect it the first time I read this book). It's really random and doesn't really fit with anything that's happened with Grounded thus far, but it happens. I'm not sure what to make of it. I may need to down some extra doses of Nyquil to figure it out between now and when the next issue comes out.

So yeah, it's a somewhat cuckoo ending and one that sort of distracts from the theme of moral ambiguity. Without that last page, this is a pretty insightful book from a series that's known for being about as insightful as a Rocky Balboa movie. For the first time in quite a while Superman has to wrestle with the moral ambiguity of being a hero. He sees a wrong in the world, but by correcting that wrong it only does more wrong. So he has to compromise and when it comes to what's right and wrong, Superman doesn't compromise. Well this time he had to make a decision and it forced him to confront his wife in a very unpleasant way. It may be a commentary on marriage as well in that even when you make a whole community happy, if you piss off your wife you might as well stick your dick in a toaster. It plays up Superman's humanity and for a guy that really isn't human, that goes a long way.

There's still the matter of that last page that sort of disrupts the vibe of this issue. Superman is left wrestling with this whole moral ambiguity concept and out of nowhere a bunch of Superpeople appear and claim to have the answers? Even in comics, you have to be somewhat high for that to be believable. There's also some of the little things like saving every worker in that plant when it fucking exploded. It's one of those little things that the Grounded arc has been good about covering until now. It's not so egregious that it makes you want to write an angry letter to the editor and cite articles of Scientific America and Wikipedia to point out all the bullshit. But it does prevent the comic from matching the awesome of previous issues.

With the previous issues in mind, Superman #707 is still pretty damn awesome. It's as pure a Superman story as you can get without putting on a costume and flying to Richard Donner's old house and shooting your own series of youtube videos. It shows conflict and strife in Superman's life without having to blow up the whole freakin' DC universe. Some of the little things and the ending are a little sketchy though. That's why for this issue I give it a 4 out of 5. Superman is still a hero of heroes and when he's confronted with moral ambiguity, it really does make for great story. It's part of what has made the Grounded arc so enjoyable and for anybody who appreciates this extra layer to a comic, then it's a great time to be a Superman fan. Nuff said!

Superman #700 - Giant Sized Awesome

Thanks to likes of Blackest Night and Brightest Day my love for DC Comics has been rekindled and my wallet hates me for adding that much more to my weekly comic budget. We're not currently on speaking terms, but I'm not letting that stop me from getting awesome comics like Superman #700. I know I normally don't review Superman comics, but this is a Giant Sized anniversary issue and I just couldn't resist. These kinds of books are like a winning season for the Detroit Lions, rare in it's frequency yet beautiful in it's own right.

The book itself is divided into three self-contained stories. All of them are awesome in their own right, making it a three for one deal that offers more bang for the buck. Your wallet and bank account may just like you a little bit more, although my wallet still hates me. The first story centers around Clark and Lois. Now it may seem strange that the most iconic relationship in the history of comics has been lacking lately, but between Blackest Night and War of the Supermen these two haven't really gotten a lot of screen time. They're long overdue and they get their chance when Lois gets into trouble (as she's so prone to do) with Parasite.


What happens next is classic without being cliched. Superman shows up and saves Lois. I know, some are rolling their eyes because that's what Superman has been doing for nearly a century. My response to them (other than "what the fuck is your problem?") would be this is who these characters are. This age old story of Superman saving Lois is ingrained in their persona and it helps drive their relationship in a unique way that makes it the most iconic in comic history. Add to that, Superman still looks pretty badass when he beats the shit out of guys like Parasite.


After a classic super ass-kicking, Clark and Lois get more personal and this is where the real meat of the story resides. Clark fills Lois in about what happened on New Krypton (read War of the Superman if you're scratching your head) and they have a brief discussion. It's not as cliched as one would expect. These two, like any serious couple who doesn't want to end up in divorce court, don't gloss over these facts and confront them. I know that may seem counter-intuitive to readers raised on the merits of make-up sex, but in the real world and with characters like these confronting these issues is what makes a relationship actually work. Yet to satisfy these twisted notions, Clark and Lois do have an intimate moment.


After some super cuddling, the couple go out for a stroll. And by stroll I mean flying through the sky at speeds that would make most people shit themselves. This is Superman we're talking about. Everything he does is done with super dedication and that includes Lois, who by now should be plenty used to flying over the city as no mere mortal woman ever has. Here they share another moment that is very reflective of their relationship. Lois wants Superman to promise that he'll never leave her again. Now most men when their woman tells them this are obligated to say one thing: "Yes dear. I will never leave you again." Anything less will result in couch banishment for a full year and no sex for possibly longer.

But this is Superman we're dealing with. He's a guy whose righteous to a fault. He can't make a promise he can't keep, even to the woman he loves. He doesn't even flinch. He tells her he can't make that promise. This is why Lois is so right for him. She doesn't just understand. This is a part about him she loves. Many women may find it annoying for a man to be this blunt and morally ridged. But for Lois, for whatever odd tastes she may have, it's the equivalent of a pussy boner. And his response is just what she expected and wanted. If after this you're still cynical about Clark and Lois being the best couple in comic history, then you're just being difficult.


The next story shifts gears a bit, telling a story using the Worlds Finest. For those of you who aren't up to speed with comic lingo, that means Batman/Superman. Only this story isn't a typical Batman/Superman team up. In this story, Robin gets to do the teaming while Bruce Wayne and Batman take a back seat. What happens is Bruce has the standard Wayne Enterprise business he can't miss and Gotham has to go without Batman for the night. Robin is expected to stay home and finish his Geometry homework. But as with any rebellious teenager, he has other plans.


He ventures out on his motorcycle to stop a smuggling ring. There's no Batman to watch his back. He's just a kid in a costume looking to bust some heads. In the context of this story it's pretty predictable what happens next. He's overwhelmed, cornered, and captured by the well-armed smugglers. It seems at this point Robin can't hold his own and the bad guys don't take any chances, knowing Batman won't go down so easily.


But Batman is the least of their worries. As it just so happens, Superman is in town and he lends Robin a hand. He saves him from a concrete slipper and a date with the bottom of the river and makes quick work of the smugglers. Well-armed they may be, but Lex Luthor they are not. They don't stand a chance. Superman takes them out and Commissioner Gordon takes care of the rest.


Now if the story ended here, that would be fairly decent if not sub-par. But there are a few more twists that bring the awesome factor up to par. Not only does Superman fly Robin back home before Bruce can find out, he actually does his geometry homework for him! Seriously, when have you ever heard of a superhero being that cool? That's the kind of hero you don't just admire. That's the kind of hero you'd rather pray to besides some greedy, overly dramatic non-homework-doing super-being in tights. Only Superman can pull it off and it makes for a fun and entertaining end to a story that could have been too bland to mention.


The next story is a bit lighter on the action and much heavier on the drama. It covers Superman being interviewed about what happened with New Krypton by the media. The questions are pretty standard and unlike 99.9999 percent of all politicians and public figures, Superman answers honestly and without hesitation. He even says those three words that no politician is even supposed to think "I don't know." It all seems standard when out of nowhere this woman comes up and slaps him right across the face. No, she's not a super-villain looking to cause trouble. She's a regular woman whose pissed at Big Blue.


Now why is she pissed? It's not because Superman wronged her or lied to her. It's not even because of what happened to New Krypton. She was mad because she just lost her husband to a brain tumor. It seems odd that she would lash out at Superman of all people. He's a guy who fights super-powered monsters, not brain tumors. But that wasn't the point. The point she made was that he wasn't there. He wasn't where he was supposed to be, with the people he was supposed to look after. Some may argue circumstances, but it doesn't make her wrong and Superman knows this.


Superman then flies off, which is sort of his way of saying "no more questions" only in his case the media doesn't give him shit for it. He's clearly affected by what that woman said. He talks to Batman and the Flash about it. He talks about perspective and how they relate to the people they're trying to protect. For a guy who by many measures isn't human, that's an important perspective to have. The events of New Krypton made him forget about that and it's only now he's fully realizing that.


It makes for a fitting and emotional ending to the three stories. It also ties together the after-effects of events like War of the Supermen. It's always easy to gloss over these more personal moments in a story where there aren't giant robots looking to crush everything in their path. It perfectly compliments the first two stories and brings home much of what makes a Superman comic super. It may seem melodramatic to some, but in terms of storytelling it adds to a sense of completion.

In terms of a Giant Sized anniversary issue, Superman #700 can be considered a standard by which all others like it are measured. It's one of those issues where the writers seem to put extra effort. Some might find themselves wishing "why the hell can't they do this with every issue?!" Well that's not how these stories work. They are best told in a certain way and under the right circumstances. Those circumstances just happen to be rare and that's what makes it special. Nobody would give a fuck about Christmas if it happened more than once a year. It's the rarity that makes it special and this comic embodies all of those traits and then some.

Any Superman, DC, or general comic fan would be wise to add this to their collection and frame it for future generations so they know what real awesome entails. This issue gets a 5 out of 5 and every mark of perfection a comic can possibly earn. If DC keeps making comics like this, I'll be needing a much bigger pull list for each Wednesday. Now if you'll excuse me, my wallet and I are going to have another fight. But for awesome like this, it's worth it!